Original subtitles

(tense music)

- Mon.

- Gray.

- This is a bit dramatic, innit?

Early morning, abandoned warehouse.

(seagulls squawking)

Just you, me, and the seagulls.

- (sighing) Yeah.

Snidey little pricks laughing at us.

(Graham chuckling)

(somber music)

- I missed him, Mon.

- Hey, hey, hey, hey!

We don't know he's dead yet.

- I heard the shot!

I heard it!

I blame myself, you know?

It's my fault!

- Hey, hey, hey, don't you dare do that,

it is not your fault!

Don't you dare do that, it's...

(sighing) Look, it's Anne, mate.

I'm sorry to say this, but she's a...

(tense music)

She's a tell-tale tit.

(Graham scoffing)

Yeah, and we need to take her out.

(tense dramatic music)

- Say that again.

I will shoot you, I will shoot you in the eyes!

- It doesn't have to be like this.

- Right now, it's the only way it can be.

(engine rumbling)

- Look at you two, you're pathetic!

Put your guns down.

Put your guns down!

- All right.

- Right, as of 0900 hours this morning,

Whitehall have officially terminated Action Team

as a secret branch at MI6.

(Graham grumbling)

That means, I wanna thank you for your services,

but you're no longer required.

- No! - Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on.

What are you trying to say?

- On Friday, you both partook in an illegal mission,

that I did not authorize, where people were killed

and half of Montenegro was smashed up!

- Half?

- Oh, well, she told you that, did she?

Old, old ratty, old ratsville over there?

Yeah, well, I tapped her phone last week.

She was tipping off the kidnapper!

She is Abacus!

- She's Abacus!

Right, now we're gonna wrap this up, okay?

Because this is over with, done here, this is it!

I want to wish you the best of luck, so best of luck.

- See ya, Mon. - No, no.

- Cheers, Dougie, take it easy.

- End line is, best of luck, okay?

Best of luck.

- We might go for a pint Tuesday, if you fancy it?

- Yeah, that sounds nice, Dean, all the best.

- No, no, no, no, no, no!

No drinks!

Shut up, shush, all of you!

End line is best of luck.

So, I'm wishing you the best of luck.

Best of luck.

- All right, all right.

- (gasping) Best of luck, both of you.

Get in the car!

Best of luck.

(engine revving)

(somber music)

(Monica sighing)

(suspenseful music)

- Mr. Logan, what a surprise!

- Oh, God.

As if my day wasn't crappy enough.

- Before I forget it, Samantha sends her greetings.

We are going steady.

- What the heck?

Hey, do you know how much I liked that girl?

What are your intentions, to hurt my feelings?

- Well, not your feelings, just your body.

(blows thudding) (Logan farting)

(sniffing) Phew, that stinks!

- My apologies, the diet here has been somewhat cabbagey.

- Enough!

Bring in my tools.

(blows thudding) (Logan farting)

(panting) Come on, do you,

do you have to do this every time now?

- Well, I'm trying to hold them in.

I mean, you punching me in the stomach isn't really helping!

- [Bogohardt] But what if I punch you somewhere else?

- Hey, how about you don't punch me anywhere?

- Maybe here.

(blow thudding) (Logan yelping)

- What are you doing?

You're taking off your shirt?

(scoffing) As if I didn't feel shitty enough about myself,

you gotta make me body conscious?

- So, where should we start?

(dramatic music)

(blows thudding) (both grunting)

- Logan, catch!

- Oh, ah, uh, my bad!

(blows thudding) (both grunting)

Concentrate, concentrate and throw, concentrate and,

concentrate and throw, I said!

(blows thudding)

(soldier yelping)

- Yah!

- Just to throw it under-arm.

Take your time, take your time!

Stop spinning it!

Come on, man! (sighing)

- You know, I like you, but that's a bad throw.

You know, it's just not good enough, really.

All right, watch my armpits, they're a little ripe.

Hey, babe, thought you were dead.

- I'm as good as dead.

I know what Vlad has planned, and only you, Logan Mann...

Look at me!

Only you can save the world.

- I guess you're right.

See, I didn't choose action, action choose me.

Now, come away with me!

Otherwise they're gonna know that you helped me.

- No, I will say that you beat me half to death.

(blow thudding) (Rebekkah grunting)

- Ah, no, don't, don't hit yourself!

(Rebekkah grunting) (Logan yelling)

God, no, no, no, no, no!

(blow thudding) (Rebekkah groaning)

I'm not a woman beater!

(blow thudding) Oh, God, no!

- Go!

- God!

(Rebekkah groaning)

(grim dramatic music)

(suspenseful music)

- What? - There he is.

- Hey, baby!

(both laughing)

Oh, ow, ow.

- Victor, welcome to my evil Abacus network.

- Wow.

- Everybody, this is the guy I was telling you about,

who's going to build Super Mega Robot!

Tell everybody about it, tell them, tell us!

- Oh, well, uh, okay.

Uh, so, it's definitely a cool robot.

And, um, big.

- Tell us about the laser eyes!

- Yeah, it's gonna have laser eyes.

- I could sit here all day and talk about

how amazing you are, sir,

but I have attack on the West to plan,

the Antelope's Tail to reclaim.

La-la-la-la-la!

How long until we can launch robot?

- Uh, well, you see, that's the doozy.

'Cause, um, the special robot metal that I ordered,

it's really expensive.

So, I'm gonna need a little more money, I'm afraid.

- How much more do you need?

- Not, I mean, like, a million or two million.

You know, nothing--

- Whatever it takes.

I need robot ready for tomorrow.

- Tomorrow?

Uh...

- Will that be a problem?

- Uh...

- Problem, for this guy?

You're the problem!

- Well, well, I should probably hit the road,

if I'm gonna get the robot done.

So have a great afternoon.

- I don't like him.

- You don't like anyone.

(Logan panting)

(phone dial tone droning)

(answering machine beeping)

- Oh, this is sad.

Only number I remember and it's my own.

(soldiers shouting in foreign language)

I never thought it would end like this.

- Hello?

- Hello?

Hello?

Huxley, is that you?

Hux, Hux, it's me!

What are, what are you doing in my house?

- Uh, feeding your cats while you're dead.

- Well, I'm not dead anymore, kid.

- Oh, yeah, yeah Logan, um, my internship's done,

so I need a reference.

- Of course, I'd do that for you, it's fine, it's cool.

- Uh, yeah, look, Logan, like,

I don't know what to do, you know?

My mum's on my case, like, I wanted to do sociology,

but the course is full, and also I wanna learn Swahili,

'cause I might travel one day around the world, Logan--

- Kid, kid? Buddy, buddy-- - I want to be a DJ,

but I'm not sure-- - Now is not the time!

- If my mum's happy about that,

so I might just, you know, look at

a sports science course. - That's fine.

All brilliant ideas!

Listen, listen, kid, kid, kid?

You're gonna take this address down for me.

Nihad Fortress, Stoppoli Islands, Russia.

- All right, got it, Russia, thank you!

- No, no, no, no!

Russia's a massive place, it's the biggest country

in the world nearly!

Jesus, Hux!

Hux?

Hux, please!

(soldiers speaking in foreign language)

(gunshots booming) (intense music)

(phone ringing)

- Hello, Anne Bishop speaking.

- Dmitry?

- Yes, it's Dmitry.

- How is mission?

- (sighing) I don't know, man.

I'm in deep, perhaps too deep.

- I pay you to go real deep.

What is your problem?

- I am involved with member of the Action Team.

His name is Graham, I...

Lines have all become fuzzy blur.

I guess...

Well, I think I care about him.

- You know what I didn't do?

I didn't call up for a little girly catch-up.

This is not "Sex In The American City".

Do not lose focus!

You make Antelope's Tail your priority.

And now, I'll give you big ultimatum.

You must kill this Graham.

- Or what?

- What do you mean or what?

Just kill him and kill him dead.

- Yeah, but you said you give me ultimatum

but you not give me two choices.

- All right, all right, yep,

I now understand what you're getting at.

You kill Graham or you have to sing your favorite song

in front of whole of Abacus organization.

- No, that doesn't work, because I like to sing,

that is good for me.

- You know what, you kill Graham,

or I kill your whole family

with a big, angry lion called Thomas!

- That's it, that is ultimatum.

Boss?

Boss?

Oh, shit.

(alarm ringing)

(grim suspenseful music)

(elevator doors rattling)

Well, this is a surprise.

An unexpected visitor.

- [Graham] Oh, yeah.

(elevator doors rattling)

- I'm so sorry about today, Graham.

- (sighing) Yeah.

Bit of a stinker for Graham Hooper, all in all.

My best mate's carked it, I've lost my job,

(sighing) Monica's lost her mind,

and bloody all of it can just sod off, actually.

- Oh, darling, you've got yourself into such a state.

Look, why don't you go and grab yourself a wee beer?

I'm just gonna pop into the shower,

because I'm all sweaty after my workout video.

(Graham chuckling)

(grim tense music)

(bottles rattling)

(Graham sighing)

- It's just a book, Graham.

(Graham sighing)

Now, that is a big shoe.

(door creaking)

Okay, okay.

No, give her a chance.

Give her a chance, Gray, because, um,

you don't know, she might be, uh...

Shit.

(dramatic suspenseful music)

Anne?

(towel thudding)

Well, that confirms it, doesn't it?

I'm gonna assume that Anne's not your real name.

- I am Dmitry.

Abacus.

- Touche.

(chuckling) You had me fooled.

Everyone in the office is gonna be really upset.

You're very good at your job.

Now would you kindly put some knickers on before we do this?

(tense music)

That's it.

- On your knees.

On your knees!

(blows thudding) (both grunting)

(Graham yelping)

I did not mean for things to get so--

- What?

Lovely?

Best time of our lives?

- Yes, all of those things.

You are right to be angry.

- Oh, I am angry, Anne, Dmitry, whoever you are.

I'm angry with both of you, to be honest.

(blow thudding) (Dmitry yelping)

(gun clicking)

(Dmitry panting)

- Goodbye, lovely man.

(blow thudding) (Graham grunting)

(suspenseful music)

(Victor sighing)

- Come on, Tina.

Hey!

- How is progress on robot?

- It's on its way here in a robot truck.

- Robot truck?

- [Electronic Voice] Cough, cough.

Bullshit.

There is no robot.

(chair thudding) - Ow (chuckling).

- Oh, there's nothing as bitter and twisted

as a jealous invalid and a vicious old man.

How is my robot?

- Oh, man, you're gonna look so cool

in this thing, I promise.

- Did you just say look?

Look?

I'm going to wear it?

- Well, yeah, I mean, that's the vibe I'm going for.

Unless you don't want something that cool, then I could--

- No, no, no, no, no.

I want cool, I want the coolest one!

(Vlad chuckling)

But answer me something.

Will it fly?

- No, I'm gonna put my main man in a robot that can't fly.

(laughing) What kinda robot can't fly?

(Victor laughing)

(Vlad and Victor laughing)

(grim suspenseful music)

- And connect.

Okay, good morning everybody.

This call is being hosted by Vladimir Shevchenko.

Right, and present we have USA, France,

China, Italy, and Australia.

- Listen up!

I have built Super Mega Robot to launch attack on West

unless I'm handed back Antelope's Tail, with an apology!

I shall launch at midnight tonight.

- In what time zone?

- What you mean in what time zone?

- Midnight your time or ours?

- Just midnight, it is perfectly simple.

Just the middle part of the night,

from 12 a.m. is midnight, right?

- Uh, no. midnight isn't the same as midnight here.

- Hm, what?

- Uh, Mr. Shevchenko, you realize the world works

on contrasting time zones, right?

- It's just midnight, mid night.

It's like the middle of the night.

It's not the first bit of it or the last bit,

it's this bit in the middle, right?

- Midnight Moscow time is like seven a.m. here.

- Mm-hm?

Yes.

Completely (snapping).

It will be midnight Russian time.

- That would be five in the morning here,

so not so good for us.

- Oh, I'm sorry you'll have to get up early, creepy dragon!

Why has everybody got an opinion about this?

It's just midnight Russian time, right?

(drool dripping)

(glass shattering)

(Graham slurping)

- Hello?

(tense music)

(Monica sighing)

Conceded.

- [Monica] Hm.

- I owe you an apology, friend.

- Yeah, well, I won't harp on about it.

But I told you she was a mole, (scoffing) dirty cow.

- Oh, it gets worse.

And I hate to say this, actually, but she was a bloke.

- A what?

- She was a fella.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

You 100% sure about this?

- She had a penis.

A big old willy.

- Ah.

Circumcised?

- Oh, no.

I've never in my life seen so much foreskin,

it was like a boot-cut jean.

- Yeah?

- A bell bottom.

Like one of those tunnels that dogs scurry through.

- Oh.

Nice!

- Yeah, well, he was truly a master of disguise.

- Mm, hm.

- And I imagine he's headed straight

for the Antelope's Tail.

- Yeah.

- And fair play to her. - Well, him.

- Yeah.

(suspenseful music)

(engine rumbling)

- Hey, hey!

Hey there, hey, hey, hey!

Stop, stop!

(Logan panting)

(engine rumbling)

What, Hux?

What?

(Logan laughing)

Oh, I can't believe it!

Hey, buddy!

(tense music)

- For too long, you people have sneered at me.

Laughed at me!

But no more!

Behold and be fearful

(lights clicking)

of my Super Mega Robot!

- Now, Mr. Shevchenko, we do not want

this to become a situation.

- Get ready for judgment day.

Hour!

Get ready for judgment hour!

- Are you reading off cue cards?

- No.

That is a ridiculous thing, enough talk!

Time for you to witness the power of my Super Mega Robot.

Watch my deadly lasers.

Eat laser, goat!

Stupid goat!

Eat laser!

Oh, dear goat, why are you not eating laser?

(Super Mega Robot whirring)

Is that a goat?

That looks like a sheep.

- Just goat.

- It definitely a goat?

- From my mother's farm, it's a pedigree goat.

- For you, is that goat?

- Uh, I mean, it's got curly hair like a sheep,

but it has horns like a goat, I don't know.

- It's not a sheep-goat?

- No, I mean, I don't know, I'm not a farmer.

- He doesn't know.

- Eat laser, goat!

(Super Mega Robot whirring)

Why is the goat not exploding?

- Okay, goats are invincible to lasers,

it's like a superpower they have!

- Yes, I've heard that.

All right.

For too long, man has been confined to the floor,

scared of the possibility of flight!

Really? (wings rattling)

There isn't, there's not an automatic switch?

- No, it's safer that way.

- Time to take to the skies!

(goat bleating)

Time to take to the skies!

(goat bleating)

You're chomping my pecker, right?

This is humiliating.

Explain yourself, Victor.

- I, you know, I forgot the, the rocket toes.

- Enough!

Feed him to your mother's pigs.

(grim suspenseful music)

- Right, well, thank you for this, Mr. Shevchenko.

This has been a rather amusing and, should I say,

fitting end to this whole affair (chuckling).

Good night.

- Hold onto your horse, Ms. Brooks.

Don't you know that it is customary

when playing poker to check for ace in pack

before you believe you have a flush?

- Say hello to Anne for me, won't you? (chuckling)

(monitor beeping)

(grim somber music)

(footsteps tapping)

(air whooshing)