Original subtitles

(soft dramatic music)

(bell chimes)

- Wow look at all that salad!

That's loads.

- Barry, could you move, I can't actually,

- Oh yeah my bad.

- Get the food out.

- I gotta say, I'm so excited to be here.

I can't wait to meet your parents.

I love families, just do.

- [Samantha's Father] Because with Jan and

our two beautiful daughters, I've

I've spent my whole life surrounded by women.

- What are you complaining about?

- Which means I

- You don't get a word in edgewise?

- I never get a word in edgewise.

- Oh sorry Mike.

- But

I wouldn't change it for the world.

- I love you all so very much.

(group applauds)

- [Logan] Wow.

Wowza, wowza.

I'd like to say a few words.

What a guy, huh, Mike?

Seriously good father, seriously good guy.

I guess you're all wondering who's this guy.

I'm Logan, Logan Mann, I'm

I'm Samantha's new squeeze Samantha's new

new boyfriend.

We're official, right?

(laughter)

Come up here come on.

I'm nothing without you gal.

I need you here.

Look at her huh?

Isn't she beautiful?

But today isn't about me, or Samantha.

It's about love.

I'm talking about these two,

Jan and Mike.

It hasn't all been plain sailing, hey?

It's had its ups and its downs.

Big down of course 2003,

where Mike hooked up with Rosemary from the tennis club,

lured by the promise of more adventurous sex.

But he, he realized the error of his ways.

You know, he wanted to win back his

his little firecracker.

And look at her, there.

Look at her little firecracker.

He got her back, by God he got her back.

I never knew who my parents were,

(ominous music)

didn't have much of a family.

(balloon hand air pump pulsing)

So,

thank you for having me here in this special occasion.

I love you mum.

I love you dad.

(crowd claps)

- [Samantha] What was that?

What were you thinking?

- I well I was

Was that a wrong thing to do?

- Yes.

It was wrong.

How did you know all that stuff about my dad?

- [Logan] Oh god,

are we having our first argument girl?

Oh no I'm freaking out.

- Logan, we've been on a couple of dates just

slow it down.

- You have my word I swear on my life.

- Okay

(ominous music)

- What the hell was that all about?

How did he know all that stuff?

- I honestly haven't told him anything dad.

(Logan grunts in the distance)

He's not what you think.

(thumbing on glass)

He's actually really sweet.

(distant commotion)

(glass shattering)

(gasps)

(suspenseful music music)

- Ah!

(painful groaning)

(heavy panting)

- This is not a real clown.

This is a man dressed as a clown.

- That's what clowns are.

- Really?

- Yes.

- Take your clown

and get out of my party.

(soft dramatic music)

- Gentlemen as you are aware,

I now have Antelope's Tail in my position.

The world is shitting nickers.

This can only mean good things for my position in

Interpol's Top Ten Most Wanted Bad Asses.

Sergei pray tell where do I stand.

- You are number five.

- I shit on five!

You know what?

I have brilliant plan to keep to numero uno.

Sergei take notes.

So here it is,

we invite other ten top most wanted bad guys

to secret auction using Antelope's Tail as bait.

But, we play mind games.

So is it a real auction to sell device,

or is it a trap to kill them?

- Okay, but just to be clear

we going to make real auction or it's a trick?

- Of course we are or are we?

Is it to trap or isn't it?

- [Sergei] No I guess that, but I think it's important

that at least we know if it's trap

or I cannot organize.

- Rengard can you please inform this bozo

what are mind games, please?

- [Ringard] I'm sorry.

I don't know what is mind games.

Or do I?

- You see Rengard gets it.

(dramatic music)

- Gentlemen this is Bad News.

I have employed her to pass on all of the bad news.

Because she is so hot.

The bad news doesn't feel quite so bad.

What is it my trickletart?

- The assassination attempt on Logan Mann has failed.

- Oh, right?

- [Bad News] And Gavril has been seized by MI6 operatives.

- Well that is actually some,

that is some really bad news.

- What if Gavril talks?

- Don't worry yourself old mother hen.

He'll keep his mouth shut.

You see all of my Abacus assassins

is issued with one of these,

deadly cyanide pills.

Knowing that each and everyone of you

would rather die than talk.

(distorted sounds)

- Loss of control of the jaw.

Bottom lip starting to shiver.

Pupils dilated, dry mouth.

Don't know what to do with his left hand.

However with the right one,

he's stroking his little pom pom there

with his inner palm for comfort.

- What's wrong with him?

- He's off his fucking swede mate.

- Flipflop!

- Geezer's peaking out

I'll have to get on his level a little though

to gain his trust, you know?

Now, I reckon some MDMA,

couple of a bombs, little snifter kittens

to take the edge off.

Nice one, got a little bit of weed

leftover from Crimbo.

Now, what I need you to do is get

your ass down to the shops and buy

me a box of menthol cigarettes and ice cold Stellas.

Must be ice cold, understood?

- I don't agree with your drinks and drugs.

I think people that take them are quite sad.

- Look, do you have a problem with me?

- Maybe you've got a problem with yourself,

so that's why you take so much drinks and drugs,

so you can run away from who you really are.

Oh!

- Dick.

(key pad beeping)

(enchanting mysterious music)

- How the hell did you get in here, man?

- [Logan] I broke a window.

But then I couldn't fit through it

so I smashed your door.

- You smashed my door?

- They tried to kill me, Ruth.

In my home!

Well it wasn't actually my home,

it was my girlfriend's but it

wasn't actually her place it was her parents' place

- All right stop.

Who tried to kill you?

- A clown assassin attacked me.

How did he know where I was?

I'm telling you now, we got a mole.

A dirty great leak.

- Right.

Well I'm going to pretend you didn't say that.

- I'll say it a million times so you believe me.

We got a leak, we got a leak, we got a leak

- All right just shut up.

- Let me start again, please.

We got a leak, we got a

- No just stop it!

Now, this assassin, do you think he'll talk?

- You bet your spaghetti bolognese he'll talk.

Permission to take this thing brown bananas.

- What what are you talking about?

- Approving to pickle a sticky Thomas

- A what?

- Schevchenko was tipped off in Bulgaria.

I need to take this thing!

Deaf, dumb and blind.

No eyes, no ears.

- Right well,

why didn't you just say that in the first place?

- Mark my words, someone under that roof

is not who they say they are.

(ominous music)

- Hi.

- Hey.

- I just wanted to say Graham,

thank you for dinner last night.

You really are a good cook.

- Nah chili con carn

Yeah, I really enjoyed it, it was great.

- Any joy for the assassins' handset?

- Well, this little guy.

Lovely little key actually.

He's using a dynamic IP aren't you mate?

Yeah, with the new anonymity tool

designed to conceal his user's identity

and heavily encrypt all communication.

My guess is the whole of the Abacus Network

is using the secure connection.

Now, I've cracked the username.

That was a piece of solid piss.

But I just need the eight-digit passcode

to gain entry so, I

- I like that you're so clever.

- I like the smell of your hair.

- Do you?

- Big time.

- Thank you.

It's um,

It's a medicated shampoo.

- What for the treatment of psoriasis?

- Yes.

I have a flaky scalp.

- Well, well

I believe it contains a coal tar

which relieves itching and also restores

skin structure by slowing down

the process of cell production.

- Oh, I wish I could just kiss you right now.

- Fair enough.

I am a very thorough lover, FYI.

- Oh yeah?

I will destroy you.

- Before I worked for this Fezzy guy.

I'm like a powerful mountain.

- Yeah.

- All around there were fish swimming.

I don't really like fish.

- But you are the fish, you know what I'm saying?

You're a fish mate.

Do you think I look like my mum?

How about now?

What about now?

(chair screeches)

- Fuck off, fuck off.

Fuck!

- What?

- Gav mate the table man, it's freaking out.

Fucking I don't like the way it's looking at me Gav man.

- Want me to kill the table?

- Yeah we need to.

- Gavril to table!

(hysteric shouting)

When I was little small boy child,

I wanted to be dance.

- Yeah?

- Papa said no,

(gentle ballet music)

Oh.

My unicorn

I want to ride you to magic place!

(ballet music)

I'm a bad man.

- No, no you're not

- I've been bad man.

- No sh, sh no cause you're a good man.

Really good, you're good.

- [Mysterious Voice] Mon?

Monica.

Hey mon.

Mon?

- Grandad?

Grandad is that you?

- No it's me Logan.

Listen,

we need the Abacus passcode for that email network.

- The passcode just, um, no...

Can I get some water in here, please?

I'm proper dry.

- Oh yeah.

- [Monica] Gav.

- [Gavril] Huh?

- Babe can I get your web email thing passcode thing,

(laughs)

please?

What is it Gav?

- [Gavril] Uh

23

04

1974

- I'm in.

The eagle has landed and he's laid a rather interesting egg.

An email egg sent today.

- Feed me.

Feed me data.

- Sender, Vlad Schevchenko,

Subject, the Antelope's Tail Auction Location,

Saint Petersburg, Russia.

(triumphant music)

- We fly east.

Fire up the chopper boys.

(dramatic music)

(dramatic music intensifies)

- Are guests all present yet?

Does it seem to you Sergei

that the good time in the cards?

- Yes, why are you do anxious?

- Truth is.

When I was a little gopnik of only ten years.

My mother had a birthday party for me.

She invited all other children from my school.

She made her famous kolaczki.

- Oh I love kolaczkis.

- Stop thinking of your stomach.

You fat horse.

- Sorry.

- We waited for hours and hours for what seemed like days.

But no one came.

In my bedroom that eve had I made a vow,

to never ever have another party.

Until now.

- Well it's not really a party, it's a

gathering stratagem with a mass murder tied to the end.

- I just want people to like me Sergei.

- I like you.

- Very sweet but you're opinion matters so very little.

Scurry along like menace.

Get started on the plan.

(suspenseful music)

(shouting in Spanish)

- Sorry I don't speak that.

- Sorry who the fuck are you?

What agency?

- One minute I just found out, yeah?

My name is John-Paul.

I'm 24 years old,

training chef.

I think I was suppose to read this in a French accent,

can I start again?

- No listen,

- What's your name?

- My name is Head Chef Sam Miguel

- Oh like the beer.

- No, Sam.

Sam Miguel.

- Yeah I know but there's a beer called that.

- My name is Sam Miguel.

- San Miguel?

- Sam, with an M.

- San Miguel.

- Sam Miguel.

- San Miguel.

- Sam Miguel.

- It still sounds like San Miguel.

- It's not important get back to work.

- San Miguel.

- Take these tablets grind them up.

Put powder in everyone's dessert.

It's poison.

Cyanide.

Everyone that enters the dining room will die tonight.

Everyone must die.

- I spy with my little eye something beginning with

the most wanted dangerous men in the bloody world

hanging around having a chin wag together.

This can only spell trouble.

T-R-O-U

- Yeah all right mate, all right I get the gist

- Mhm.

(exhausted sigh)

- You're not gonna do this all day are you?

Fucking hate recon, some wankers.

- Huh?

Ah I love it mate.

You know, my favorite part of the job to be honest.

Just watching people.

Some times I do it when I'm not even at work.

- That's not fucking weird at all is it?

Who do you watch?

- Business men.

Families in parks.

Keep me sharp.

- You telling me you sit around in parks watching kids?

- Well it sounds weird when you say it like that.

- Yeah.

- This man is strictly women only.

I do not fancy kids.

- You need to stop talking Graham.

- I do not like the kid kids.

- All right stop saying kids.

- Except for when I was a kid.

Then I fancied kids but I was a kid.

Lost my virginity when I was nine in a sauna.

We did everything.

- Welcome other global bad guys.

You fiends you deviants.

You gentlemen have all come here

for auction of Antelope's Tail.

Who would like to start the bidding?

- I will start with, say

million dollars.

- Bueno, two then.

Two millions

- 1.5 billion.

- 1.5 billion?

Are you crazy?

That is a hell of a leap from two million.

It's truly an insane amount of money.

I'm going to guess that nobody

can compete with that amount.

So it seems that the device has a new owner.

Sorry I forget your name, mister?

(gibberish)

- Just call me Mark.

- Well Mark maybe you will like to tell me

and the champs a little bit about yourself.

Because I'm fascinated to hear your story.

- I'm from a small African Republic

that's so scary no one dare say it's name.

It's night all the time there, 24 hours a day.

But on the plus side we have a thriving export business,

selling chili bean sandals and the surfing, well, excellent.

- Can anybody else smell that?

Smells to me a lot like bullshit!

Looks to me like we have been infiltrated gentlemen,

by an unwanted guest.

Wouldn't you say Mr. Mann.

- What?

I can assure you you are mistaken sir.

(speaking in Chinese)

- Oh come on I know you're in there Mann.

- Oh I'm not.

- Are you kidding with me Mr. Mann.

I know it is you in there.

- It isn't me I'm this guy.

- Who the hell is this?

Are you not at least going to attempt to do a voice?

- Which one am I at the moment?

- I don't know, you have like a mustache

like you're suppose to be Spanish?

- [Logan Mann] Oh no he's Greek I think, but I don't

actually know how Greek people sound.

- [Vlad] Oh come on Mann, you know also you can get

like a voice box it's a voice changer.

- I didn't know that actually.

- This is stupid now.

- There he is.

- Okay, okay, you got me.

(suspenseful music)

- Hello?

- Hello?

(suspenseful music intensifies)

- Did you really think you could just

waltz in here and take Antelope's Tail from me?

- Well that was the plan.

- Only question is, now, how exactly we kill you?

- Logan don't eat the food it's got poison in it.

- What?

Did you all hear that?

Vlad intended to kill you the food was poisoned.

(dramatic music)

(evil laugh)

- Let's do this.

(dramatic music)

(gunshots)

(motorcycle engine roaring)

- This is some kind of elaborate mousetrap?

- No, no, no!

It isn't like that.

- I knew we shouldn't have trusted you Schevchenko.

- [Vlad] You know something actually El Chito?

That is a very awful thing to say!

Did any of you think that maybe

the reason I might want to kill all of you

is 'cause I don't feel like an

integral member of this friendship group?

Because I'm not as cool as you are.

- No, no way man.

You're like so cool because

you don't think you're so cool.

So you're cool.

- Well that is very nice.

Kind of makes a little bit of sense.

- I really like your beard, man.

I wish I had the confidence to grow one.

- What are you talking about confidence?

You're hair it always looks so good no?

And you always dress so good.

- Thank you very much.

- Hey why don't we put some tunes on, huh?

I feel like I need to dance.

(friendly laughter)

(dramatic music)

- It is not definitely not cyanide.

- Sorry Vlad, we failed you.

- Oh stop slob don't waste your tears.

This whole thing you've got way more excited.

Go to plan B!

And plan C!

To B and C!

(keypad beeping)

(buzzer unlocking)

(ominous music)

- No, no please, please God no.