Original subtitles

(dramatic music).

(cowbells ringing)

(men shouting in foreign language).

(gun shots).

(humming sound)

(suspenseful music).

- The antelope's tail.

- It is beautiful.

(close briefcase)

(car door bangs)

Oh shit.

I locked the keys in the boot.

(phone rings)

- Hello, caller you are through

to Vladimir Schevchenko's main office.

You're on his speaker phone.

Everybody say hello.

- Hello. - Hi.

- Hello.

- Vladimir, it is me, my love.

- Oh hey baby girl.

How are you?

(Vladimir grunts)

You'll never guess who I'm with.

Rengard.

He's the toughest guy I know, you know?

He doesn't feel any pain.

In fact, since he was shot in his head,

he doesn't feel anything at all.

- Good to meet you.

Mr. Softy is so in love with you.

I love you.

I am so needy.

LOL.

- Rengard, what you doing?

I'm trying to play cool with this chick.

You fucking...

Baby!

He was just joking, my love.

He was just pranking around like a pranker.

- My darling, we have successfully seized

the antelope's tail.

(suspenseful music)

- You swear it on your life?

- Double swears, and no returns.

- I completely believe you.

Bring it to me.

(man laughs)

(murmurs)

(both laugh)

- You're such a good listener.

- Well I have to be.

It's part of my job.

- What is it that you do?

- I make those big hats that Chinese people wear.

- Oh, right.

Don't they call them conicals?

- Oh, I don't know about that.

I think it's fine just to call them Chinese people.

- No, I meant the hats.

(man laughs)

(phone chimes)

- Oh, sorry, I must get that.

Dammit!

Damn it.

My grandmother.

Her parakeet, John Edward, has escaped.

So I must go to her.

I need you to know that I like you

and you look beautiful tonight.

I don't know, it's the lighting,

and the way you've done your hair.

- You should go find that parakeet. (exhales)

- What?

Oh, yes, yeah of course.

Good night, pretty lady.

(mysterious piano music).

- Right, now, as you know,

we have been working tirelessly

on building a file on Vlad Schevchenko.

Up until now, intel has been relatively scarce.

But last night, we made a massive breakthrough, okay?

This is Rebekkah Volk.

Anne, as we've practiced.

- So she is Vlad Schevchenko's girlfriend,

but we believe potentially his number two.

- Right, now we have been monitoring Volk's phone activity

and we have found some very interesting information, Anne?

- Well thanks, Ruth.

On Tuesday, she contacted Schevchenko from Rabat.

Then she called him again on Wednesday from Zurich--

- Thursday Ljubljana, Slovenia.

Now, we believe she is taking something to him.

We have also found out that she is having

a birthday party in Sofia, Bulgaria.

I need Volk bugged.

I want her filmed.

Logan, you are gonna have to befriend her,

so you'll have do whatever is necessary.

- Well, I gotta throw this into the mix.

I've just started seeing someone.

- Have ya? (group murmurs)

- It's early days but I really like this girl.

- Congratulations.

- Listen, I'm happy to tap it, I mean

not usually my bag, but you know

when I've had a drink

I've messed about with mates and stuff you know.

Any hole's a goal, and all that.

- No, Monica, thank you.

Logan, your target.

(dramatic music)

- Yes, sir?

- I'll have an apple martini

and a cheese toaster.

(suspenseful music)

Thank you.

- A man should watch his back

at a party he's not invited to.

- Back off, knucklehead.

- Well now,

talk about going from scared to horny in five seconds.

- Oh, you should still be scared, Mr --

- Mann, Logan Mann.

- We know who you are.

No one else would have the balls

to walk into the tiger's den.

- I think you'll find it's called the lion's den.

- No this place is called The Tiger's Den.

- So it is.

Well, I stand corrected Ms. Volk.

(suspenseful music)

- Monica, what do I do with this vase again?

- Pop it on the side there, point it at the bed.

- Where's the camera, though?

I can't even see it.

- Yeah well, you're not supposed to, are ya?

It's hidden inside, you gunk!

(Monica sighs)

(phone rings)

- Hi, Anne.

- Oh, hi Graham.

I was wondering,

when you get back do you fancy maybe grabbing a drink?

- Yeah!

I mean, no, no, yeah, no, yeah.

I mean, that sounds like the invite

of a lifetime if I'm honest.

Shit, shit, gotta go, gotta go, Anne, sorry.

Monica, incoming incoming two bogies, incoming!

- Shit. Fuck!

We need to hide, quick!

- I love hide and seek!

This is my game, you know.

You know, this one time, I was hiding,

and to this very day, they've never found me!

- Right, don't you think they just stopped looking for ya?

Now listen, you get under that bed

and you do not fucking breathe

or I swear, Dan, I will fucking smother you!

(suspenseful music)

(door closes)

(footsteps)

- Tonight has been nice, eh?

- It's been a perfect night, just perfect.

But,

Sergei,

I can't do this.

- You can't do what?

- Even when everything is perfect,

being with you just, it doesn't feel right.

- Did you make this decision?

My whole life,

you have been the most beautiful person I have ever met!

(Sergei sobs)

- Stop.

(Sergei sobs)

- I've always loved you!

And you can love me again.

- Sergei, stop.

(Sergei sobs)

I love Borisco.

- Borisco?

Borisco?

The bee-keeper?

- Look, I just need some time.

We need to get back to the party.

- Don't touch me! - Give me a hug.

- Don't touch me, cheating pig!

(Sergei sobs).

- It's a funny old thing, Miss Volk.

Usually after this amount of flirting

I can usually rustle up at least a kiss.

- There are too many eyes here.

I have an apartment across the road.

Count to a thousand and join me there.

(footsteps)

- One Mississippi, two Mississippi, three Mississippi,

four Mississippi, five Mississippi, six Mississippi,

seven Mississippi, eight Mississippi,

nine Mississippi.

(suspenseful music)

(door opens)

(door closes)

(suspenseful music)

- What took you so long?

- I'm sorry. I was waiting for a toastie.

- How was it?

Cheesy.

- Surprise!

I am not what or who you think I am.

(dramatic music)

- Whoa, now.

- Looks like a little fly has landed in the spider's web.

The famous Logan Mann of Action Team.

Secret agent, killer, lover.

- Wow, licking me and biting, I feel like an ice cream!

- I am a slippery agent, Mr. Mann.

You didn't see that coming, huh?

- Well, you say that

but it's quite common for a lot of people

in this industry not to be who they say they are.

There's an awful lot of lying.

- I have been deep undercover

in Schevchenko's organization for many years.

We've become lovers.

- Mm-hmm.

- Originally I was working for the Russians,

the FSB

but I don't trust them any more.

I don't trust anyone!

(both groan)

- I didn't really need your whole back story.

I kind of only need the bits about Vladimir Schevchenko

and what his next move is.

- Enough talking, Mr Mann.

Make love to me.

- Oh, you are deceptively strong, Miss Volk!

I must commend you on that.

Hey, just slow down!

What if we just chat?

Let's just have a chat.

Or maybe a cuddle?

And just all get to know each other.

(Logan groans).

Hello. (laughs)

Ah, Jesus!

Ow!

Ah! What are you doing?

That's my nose!

- Agent, you are going to have to penetrate the target.

- What are you doing?

Just getting a rubber Johnny.

You know, a good agent always carries protection.

- Oh, yes of course.

(Rebekkah grunts)

(slapping sounds)

- What's the matter?

- The little fellow's just not standing to attention.

(Logan coughs)

- Hey, slow down, slow down!

You're gonna pull it off.

- Agent, take control of the situation.

- I'm trying.

- You want me to talk dirty to you?

- Yeah, yeah, go for it, go for it.

Push it out. Push it-- Aghh!

(Rebekkah growls)

You make me sick, you sniveling troll pig!

- Troll pig, that hurts my feelings.

I feel hurt by that.

- Do you want me to lick your armpits?

- Come on, who even are you?

- I'm running out of ideas!

- This has never happened to me before!

- You know what?

Take a chill pill.

Take it down a notch or eight!

- Right, has anybody got any advice?

- Hey how many people are watching this thing?

- We need this information.

Does anybody have any suggestions at all?

- Could try sticking a finger up his bum.

- What was that?

- It stimulates the prostate.

- Is that my biscuits?

- Logan, did you get that?

Try sticking your finger up your bum.

- I am not doing that.

That's disgusting!

- Stick your finger up your bum, agent.

There must be something I can do, tell me!

There is one thing you could try.

(Logan groans)

- Is that nice?

- Not so deep.

Pull it out a bit.

You've got long old nails, so --

(Logan groans).

Oh, God.

(both groan)

Oh, yeah, you feel that wood, huh?

(Logan grunts)

(Logan and Rebekkah grunt)

(both scream)

(dramatic music)

- Logan, I have the antelope's tail.

- Antelope's tail?

- It is a mysterious digital device.

They say that owning it is the key to global power.

And Vlad is using me on the penultimate leg

as mule to transport the device into Russia.

I'll be boarding the 6:20 train from Poduyane station.

I will have the device disguised as a gift for my nephew.

I will be accompanied by two other close associates.

If you can take care of them,

then you can make the escape with the device

before the final station at the Romanian border.

And then you might just save the world.

- Oh, I'll save it, all right.

I will save it!

- Shh!

- You haven't washed your finger

since you stuck it up my ass.

- Oh, sorry.

- Yeah, it's on the end of my nose.

Yeah, go and have a wash.

- Poduyane Station.

- I'll be there.

(lively music).

- Let's kick this thing in the dick.

- Roger that preparing to board.

(body thuds)

- Whoa!

Is that you on the roof, Guv?

It's fast, it is fast!

(screams).

- Are you going to ignore me all day?

- I'm not ignoring you, baby.

I'm just doing my job.

- Why didn't you just do your job at breakfast

when I was eating all alone?

- You're going to do this here?

You're kidding me right now.

- You know, I don't even know who you are anymore.

- You should go to him.

- Monica!

(Logan groans).

(phone rings)

- Hi, Rebekkah.

- You need to come now.

You need to come now!

- Monica, it's me.

You need to get to Volk as soon as you can.

Get to Volk.

(phone rings)

Hold on, it's Samantha!

Hey, baby!

- Hi, sorry, is this a bad time?

Oh, no, no it's a perfect time!

- Was everything okay with your grandma?

Did you find her parakeet?

(Logan yells)

Are you feeling okay?

Are you feeling --

- Oh, um, hello?

- Samantha!

- I'm on my way, boss man.

You in position?

- No that's a negative.

I haven't moved from this spot.

(speaks foreign language)

Excuse me.

In a bit of a rush all right step aside.

You have ticket?

- No, no, no.

No ticket I'm a spy.

- No ticket, no train.

- No, you're not listening to me, yeah?

Saving world, world saving?

Penalty, penalty, 400 penalty.

Do me a favor!

Bastard.

- Am I doing all right?

- No, good, no, you're doing okay.

Have you had much experience in an all-terrain vehicle?

- Uh, well, not exactly but

I've been learning it in a Micro.

Okay okay, well it's pretty much the same principle.

This obviously has a little bit more muscle

than your average Micro.

You've got your hands ten to two.

Lovely, well done.

And when the train comes,

we're gonna have to give it a little bit more gas, okay?

That's the train.

So you need to...

- Shall I go faster now?

- Yeah, foot to the metal please, mate.

(man yells)

- Who are you?

- I'm with Action Team.

Believe I'll be needing this.

Chao.

(Logan pants)

- Did someone order a hero?

- Nah, nah, we're all right, mate.

Let's crack on, yeah?

- Logan Mann I will always be

in all of the shadows.

- Listen Rebekkah, I gotta go.

(Rebekkah gasps)

(dramatic music).

- What the...

Dammit!

- Why?

- Listen to me.

The only people that knew what we knew,

that we knew what we knew,

are the people watching me and Volk make love

in that bedroom last night.

- I'm just gonna call it as I see it.

We got ourselves a mole.

- Or Volk double-crossed us.

(intense music)

- Get off me!

- Where is Alesky?

- We broke up.

(speaks foreign language)

- Borisco the bee-keeper?

Really?

Where is the package?

- I'm sorry, but we got ambushed.

I don't have package.

- See I am not as stupid

as you like to know.

- My darling, I never think you're stupid.

- Enough! (Rebekkah screams)

Stop pissing on my face and telling me it rains!

- Please I love you!

I love you!

- No.

I know you had sex with Logan.

- How do you think that makes me feel?

When we've been going steady for two semesters

and I don't even get to second base!

Just a little bit of top half only.

Only touch my boobies.

And then you stick your finger up his ass?

- I like the sound of that!

- No, Rengard, no, not now.

Take her away to Tin mines.

- Oh, no. No, no, no!

Not the Tin mines!

No.

I love you please, no. (cries)

Sergei, come.

(intense music)

(in foreign language)

(upbeat music).