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1
00:00:01,560 --> 00:00:04,230
What colour was it, Gran?
- What, dear?
2
00:00:04,759 --> 00:00:08,169
The mobility scooter,
and they need to know where you left it.
3
00:00:08,800 --> 00:00:11,609
Don't tell them.
They might steal it. Call the police.
4
00:00:12,160 --> 00:00:14,500
This IS the police.
- oh.
5
00:00:14,519 --> 00:00:16,550
Flash-flash, snap-snap, kiss-kiss...
6
00:00:17,000 --> 00:00:20,230
Another London Fashion Week over.
- The foot spa beckons.
7
00:00:20,839 --> 00:00:23,120
"Whose shows
are you going to, Patsy?" Flash! Flash!
8
00:00:23,600 --> 00:00:27,149
"New York next week, Patsy?"
Flash! Flash! "Boys, give the model a chance!
9
00:00:27,800 --> 00:00:31,379
"Point your cameras at the catwalk."
Hello. We've been to the shows.
10
00:00:32,790 --> 00:00:34,469
Oh, was it winter?
- No, spring.
11
00:00:34,960 --> 00:00:37,770
Have we had winter?
- Last summer.
12
00:00:39,119 --> 00:00:42,700
I think I'm out of the loop.
- I feel like I've walked the marathon.
13
00:00:43,359 --> 00:00:45,820
You haven't, though.
- No...
14
00:00:47,439 --> 00:00:50,700
Where's Mum?
- left! Left!
15
00:00:58,679 --> 00:01:01,350
♫ Wheel's on fire
16
00:01:01,920 --> 00:01:06,450
♫ Rolling down the road
17
00:01:07,439 --> 00:01:11,299
♫ Best notify my next of kin
18
00:01:12,400 --> 00:01:16,920
♫ This wheel shall explode ♫
19
00:01:18,560 --> 00:01:23,969
It was so hard, actually sketching the model
when they were moving along the runway.
20
00:01:26,790 --> 00:01:28,569
My hand kept falling off the page.
21
00:01:29,790 --> 00:01:32,379
You got through nearly six pencils.
- Good heavens!
22
00:01:33,000 --> 00:01:36,549
Now, let's see what we've got
before I set off for the Big...
23
00:01:37,200 --> 00:01:40,609
the Giant Apple... the Big Fruit...
the City That Only Sleeps Twice... New York.
24
00:01:41,920 --> 00:01:44,190
Oh, New York. I understand now.
25
00:01:44,519 --> 00:01:49,299
I didn't know it was her shopper-hopper, darling!
Anyway, it wasn't up to much, was it?
26
00:01:50,120 --> 00:01:53,629
Might as well walk.
- There's a lock on the back wheel.
27
00:01:54,319 --> 00:01:57,730
Eddie, we need some drink here.
- Right, darling. Champagne?
28
00:02:09,159 --> 00:02:12,389
Darling, Fashion Week was a war zone.
29
00:02:13,560 --> 00:02:16,370
life-threatening crowd situations,
rushing from show to show,
30
00:02:16,919 --> 00:02:20,639
barely clinging to the last shred
of one's own personal glamour.
31
00:02:21,319 --> 00:02:24,409
Backstage parties land mined
with bitch editors and Donatella bloody Versace.
32
00:02:25,390 --> 00:02:28,550
I wouldn't want to step on her.
- She'd take your leg off.
33
00:02:29,960 --> 00:02:33,120
God, tanned like an old kipper now, isn't she?
34
00:02:34,719 --> 00:02:38,900
Don't you think? Honestly, even looking
at her can seriously damage your health.
35
00:02:41,240 --> 00:02:45,690
It's so lovely to be back to normal
after that terrible thing last year.
36
00:02:45,800 --> 00:02:47,590
Yes. 7/11.
37
00:02:50,479 --> 00:02:52,600
What?!
38
00:02:53,479 --> 00:02:56,900
You know, darling, the... 24/7.
39
00:02:58,599 --> 00:03:00,349
It was 7/11!
- 9n1!
40
00:03:00,800 --> 00:03:03,289
I knew that!
41
00:03:03,840 --> 00:03:07,210
Well, let's drink to a world
that's changed for the better.
42
00:03:07,879 --> 00:03:11,500
You make me realise it hasn't.
You think it's of global importance
43
00:03:12,159 --> 00:03:16,600
that someone reinvented
Hispanic Barroco and applied it to a shoe!
44
00:03:16,800 --> 00:03:18,900
Gosh! Have they?
45
00:03:20,840 --> 00:03:24,139
A shoe?! We must get one for Jeremy's.
46
00:03:24,800 --> 00:03:27,750
The girls might like some nibbles.
47
00:03:28,319 --> 00:03:31,600
What's Jeremy's?
- It's a new concept fashion store, darling.
48
00:03:31,599 --> 00:03:34,229
Pats isn't with the magazine
any more. She's a buyer.
49
00:03:34,800 --> 00:03:39,300
No, Eddie, I'm the Executive Creative Director
Chief Buyer and lifestyle Coordinator.
50
00:03:41,000 --> 00:03:43,530
It's a huge responsibility. I'm vey important.
51
00:03:44,390 --> 00:03:48,539
I decide the direction, the adjacencies,
the brand miK, the now, the gorgeous,
52
00:03:49,319 --> 00:03:52,759
the wham, the bam, the new noir
just decision, decision, decision.
53
00:03:53,400 --> 00:03:55,610
I say what goes in this store.
54
00:03:56,120 --> 00:03:59,669
And what will that be, darling?
- Oh, vey little.
55
00:04:00,560 --> 00:04:04,419
A few items that vey few can afford.
I've done the customer's shopping for them.
56
00:04:05,159 --> 00:04:06,949
Who is the customer?
- Rich bitches
57
00:04:07,360 --> 00:04:12,419
whose faces have been pulled so tight
they can't see what they're buying.
58
00:04:13,319 --> 00:04:15,139
And we're her team!
59
00:04:15,719 --> 00:04:17,470
Go, Jeremy!
- Go, go, go!
60
00:04:17,879 --> 00:04:20,439
Oh, right. We'll be off, then.
61
00:04:20,959 --> 00:04:22,819
Have a lovely time in NY.
- Bubble?
62
00:04:23,240 --> 00:04:26,360
Did Bubble come down here, darling?
Where is she? Where...?
63
00:04:26,959 --> 00:04:29,209
Bubble! Come down here and do your job!
64
00:04:29,720 --> 00:04:34,949
How can she still have a job when you don't?
- Because I'm retraining her as my PA.
65
00:04:36,600 --> 00:04:39,689
Come on, assistant. Assist.
- But I don't understand.
66
00:04:40,319 --> 00:04:44,400
It's vey simple.
You are a PA. I tell you what I have to do,
67
00:04:44,720 --> 00:04:46,720
then you tell me, all right.
68
00:04:47,720 --> 00:04:50,600
But I'm scared!
- Oh, stop it. Get off!
69
00:04:51,160 --> 00:04:53,190
Get off me! Get off me!
70
00:04:54,120 --> 00:04:57,279
Ask Patsy if she wants another drink.
- I'm tying to work.
71
00:05:06,790 --> 00:05:07,970
Darling, darling... Shush!
72
00:05:08,399 --> 00:05:11,949
Eddie, what's she saying?
- She's asking you if you want another drink.
73
00:05:12,600 --> 00:05:15,649
Tell her, and she'll get back to me.
Come back here! Here!
74
00:05:23,600 --> 00:05:26,439
You can only train with pain. Stay.
75
00:05:28,120 --> 00:05:31,670
I'll have a bottle,
but I'll have it in my room.
76
00:05:32,879 --> 00:05:35,509
I'm going. Don't forget New York.
- I know.
77
00:05:36,790 --> 00:05:37,829
Have you got a bag?
78
00:05:38,240 --> 00:05:40,839
Put everything on a sticky. There's your...
79
00:05:43,160 --> 00:05:44,910
Cheers.
- What's that for?
80
00:05:45,319 --> 00:05:46,620
Toiletries.
81
00:05:50,720 --> 00:05:53,949
What is Patsy's room?
- It's the utility room.
82
00:05:55,600 --> 00:05:57,420
That's vey now, innit?
83
00:05:57,839 --> 00:06:02,649
Well, I don't like having her here.
I can hear her creeping around and scratching.
84
00:06:03,480 --> 00:06:07,170
I've had to put extra locks on my door.
- Oh, poor you
85
00:06:13,759 --> 00:06:17,970
What are you doing...? Pen, pen...
Pen, pen, pen, pen, pen...
86
00:06:19,160 --> 00:06:22,319
What is this?
"Observations dreay" - what does that mean?
87
00:06:22,920 --> 00:06:25,170
Diary.
- Oh, diary.
88
00:06:27,519 --> 00:06:30,790
It's for my writing course.
- Oh, your writing course.
89
00:06:30,600 --> 00:06:34,250
I thought they stopped you going
after you were arrested for stalking.
90
00:06:36,400 --> 00:06:40,389
How many weeks were you
in that poor family's cupboard... observing?
91
00:06:41,160 --> 00:06:43,970
Two. But it was worth it.
- Was it?
92
00:06:47,120 --> 00:06:49,509
You should use me as your raw material.
93
00:06:50,000 --> 00:06:53,480
No, I needed a glimpse of normality.
- Normality.
94
00:06:55,600 --> 00:06:58,370
Darling, normal is what you know.
95
00:07:10,400 --> 00:07:11,790
It's a new diet thing, darling.
96
00:07:12,199 --> 00:07:14,759
Liz Hurley does it. Dolly cutlery.
97
00:07:16,560 --> 00:07:20,000
It fools your brain
into thinking you're eating a big meal.
98
00:07:20,639 --> 00:07:23,759
It's freaky, though, isn't it?
Look. Eddie Gianthands.
99
00:07:26,480 --> 00:07:29,500
Eddie Gianthands, sweetheart.
- "Mother still fat."
100
00:07:32,160 --> 00:07:34,500
Obser-bloody-vations!
101
00:07:34,480 --> 00:07:37,810
I may be fat, darling,
but at least I'm not a thief.
102
00:07:38,439 --> 00:07:42,759
Stealing bits from other people's lives.
Stealing their wit and calling it your own.
103
00:07:43,560 --> 00:07:48,439
Little wit-picker, that's all you are.
Little regurgitator of old wit-picks.
104
00:07:50,680 --> 00:07:55,420
You know what that is?
That's just all arrt-farrt-poop-parp-tit, that is.
105
00:08:00,360 --> 00:08:05,310
Talk to me!
- No! People don't have to talk endlessly.
106
00:08:07,720 --> 00:08:09,540
I'm... just lonely.
107
00:08:12,519 --> 00:08:14,310
Well, I am.
108
00:08:15,319 --> 00:08:18,800
You know, Patsy's workin', you're obserrvin'...
109
00:08:20,439 --> 00:08:22,300
I've got no job any more...
110
00:08:23,759 --> 00:08:24,920
that...
111
00:08:38,519 --> 00:08:40,309
listen to me, darling.
112
00:08:40,720 --> 00:08:43,250
I mean... I miss my son.
113
00:08:44,919 --> 00:08:47,899
I do. I miss my lovely son.
114
00:08:48,519 --> 00:08:51,429
He'd talk to me. Serge would talk to me.
115
00:08:52,390 --> 00:08:56,149
I'm calling Marshall to see where Serge is...
- You don't need to. He's coming over later.
116
00:08:58,390 --> 00:08:59,440
Marshall?
117
00:09:01,759 --> 00:09:03,690
That does it.
118
00:09:05,399 --> 00:09:08,139
Just looking, not eating. Look, hands.
119
00:09:24,879 --> 00:09:29,159
...so send in your cheque and your infirmity
to epiphany and we will pray for you.
120
00:09:29,919 --> 00:09:33,390
Can I hear an Amen?
- Amen!
121
00:09:34,120 --> 00:09:37,700
Because God don't like demands. No, he doesn't.
122
00:09:38,360 --> 00:09:41,980
"And he said, 'lo, ' and bade
the children crawl up and sit on his lap."
123
00:09:42,639 --> 00:09:47,139
Ephedrians 12.7. Can I hear a praise Jesus?
- Praise Jesus!
124
00:09:48,279 --> 00:09:50,419
All the cults, they think they got it made.
125
00:09:50,879 --> 00:09:54,740
All the Hindus and the Buddhists
and the lutherans. Oh, yeah.
126
00:09:55,440 --> 00:09:59,590
Well, the Hindus, they got a wheel,
and the Buddhists, they got a circle,
127
00:09:59,720 --> 00:10:02,320
and everyone's got Allah
coming down, but, friends,
128
00:10:02,840 --> 00:10:04,590
we have got Jesus Christ!
129
00:10:05,000 --> 00:10:06,789
Can I hear an amen?
- Amen!
130
00:10:07,720 --> 00:10:10,460
Pay attention up here. Stay with us, lola.
131
00:10:11,840 --> 00:10:14,370
Because we just wanna thank the lord.
132
00:10:14,879 --> 00:10:19,299
We wanna take his holy name on high
and thank him from the bottom of our buttocks.
133
00:10:20,800 --> 00:10:22,919
Thank you, dear lord Jesus! Thank you!
134
00:10:23,480 --> 00:10:27,730
Now, Philomena Beale from Ohio
bring yourself towards your screen.
135
00:10:28,480 --> 00:10:33,750
Bring yourself up, hitch that chair up,
drag those big fat limbs up and look at me.
136
00:10:34,639 --> 00:10:36,389
Now touch me, Phil.
137
00:10:36,799 --> 00:10:39,500
Touch me because I CAN STEAl your cancer!
138
00:10:40,390 --> 00:10:41,789
I CAN STEAl your diabetes!
139
00:10:42,200 --> 00:10:45,179
I CAN STEAl your hypogly... your hypo...
140
00:10:46,919 --> 00:10:50,960
Well, God sees your disease.
He don't need a heap of letters.
141
00:10:51,679 --> 00:10:54,700
And through me, in Jesus' name, BE HEAlED!
142
00:10:55,279 --> 00:10:57,450
BE HEAlED! BE HEAlED!
143
00:10:57,919 --> 00:11:01,179
OH, BE HEAlED!
- Amen.
144
00:11:08,759 --> 00:11:12,129
We have a TV ministry.
- We got a temple and everything.
145
00:11:12,759 --> 00:11:14,580
It's a TV studio.
146
00:11:15,879 --> 00:11:18,480
I had a calling...
- It was the network.
147
00:11:19,000 --> 00:11:22,649
But - let me finish - we truly have been changed.
148
00:11:23,320 --> 00:11:25,700
God sent us an angel.
149
00:11:26,720 --> 00:11:28,509
Are you talking about lola?
150
00:11:29,679 --> 00:11:33,900
Oh, she's a wonder. An innocent. A prophetess!
151
00:11:33,679 --> 00:11:37,789
Lola can't see the future.
She can't even see her own feet.
152
00:11:43,720 --> 00:11:45,299
Where's my son?
153
00:11:45,679 --> 00:11:47,779
OUR son...
- MY son. Where is he?
154
00:11:48,240 --> 00:11:50,659
In the Indian Ocean...
- Working with Eskimos...
155
00:11:51,159 --> 00:11:52,909
Pleurgh-blib-bleh-blah-blah!
156
00:11:54,759 --> 00:11:56,509
It's lies, isn't it7. All lies!
157
00:11:56,919 --> 00:11:59,940
- ♫ Jesus is our saviour, Jesus is... ♫
- Not now, Bo.
158
00:12:01,279 --> 00:12:06,159
I've been thinking about this
for some time in that fridge, darling.
159
00:12:07,000 --> 00:12:09,700
Why doesn't Serge come home?
160
00:12:10,240 --> 00:12:15,820
What can it possibly have been
that drove him away all those years ago, darling?
161
00:12:16,759 --> 00:12:19,879
What can it possibly have been
that you did to him, sweetheart?
162
00:12:20,519 --> 00:12:23,750
Me?!
- Yes, you. It's the only logical explanation.
163
00:12:24,360 --> 00:12:26,110
He left because of you.
164
00:12:26,519 --> 00:12:28,940
You smothered him and tried
to seduce every friend he brought home.
165
00:12:29,440 --> 00:12:33,340
You, with your overbearing corpulence, not me!
- Overbearing corp...?!
166
00:12:35,960 --> 00:12:39,490
How dare you, darling?!
- You don't even know what it means.
167
00:12:42,639 --> 00:12:47,309
I don't actually, no,
but, darling, I know something... My son loved me.
168
00:12:48,879 --> 00:12:52,210
My son always loved me. He always said so.
169
00:12:52,879 --> 00:12:56,639
You were clutching him so tight
to your breast, he'd suffocate if he didn't!
170
00:12:57,360 --> 00:13:01,900
Sweetheart...
you drove him away because you were jealous.
171
00:13:01,679 --> 00:13:04,309
I wish he was here to take the brunt of you!
172
00:13:04,879 --> 00:13:06,950
Well, tell me where he is, then.
173
00:13:07,440 --> 00:13:09,929
The boy wants to be left alone.
- "Boy!"
174
00:13:10,480 --> 00:13:13,639
Praise Jesus! He has come from on high!
175
00:13:23,390 --> 00:13:27,179
Oh, hello, dears. Have I missed anything?
- They were just telling me about Serge.
176
00:13:27,919 --> 00:13:30,549
Say nothing.
- I was just thinking about him.
177
00:13:31,120 --> 00:13:35,860
I was wondering if it can run in the family.
- What?
178
00:13:36,679 --> 00:13:39,629
Zip it!
- Being gay, dear.
179
00:13:44,120 --> 00:13:47,279
Serge is gay?
- That's true, isn't it, Saffy?
180
00:13:48,390 --> 00:13:50,179
Yes, it is.
- Yes, it is?!
181
00:13:51,720 --> 00:13:54,980
My son is gay! My son is gay and you knew!
182
00:13:55,600 --> 00:13:57,350
That's all she needs to know.
183
00:13:57,799 --> 00:14:00,429
Where does he live?
- Oh, er...
184
00:14:00,960 --> 00:14:03,590
Don't tell her!
- New York, Eds.
185
00:14:03,519 --> 00:14:06,960
New York, that's it. Patsy knew, yes.
186
00:14:08,919 --> 00:14:12,390
My son is gay and in New York and you knew!
187
00:14:13,360 --> 00:14:18,240
My son is gay and in New York.
I'm going to New York. I can see him!
188
00:14:19,800 --> 00:14:22,100
He won't want to see you.
- Of course he will, darling.
189
00:14:22,679 --> 00:14:24,710
Gay people love me. Oh, yeah.
190
00:14:25,159 --> 00:14:27,929
All my friends are gay.
191
00:14:28,519 --> 00:14:31,639
I laugh with them, I cry with them, darling.
192
00:14:32,240 --> 00:14:37,159
You know... ♫ Oklahoma, where the wind comes
sweeping down the plain... ♫
193
00:14:38,390 --> 00:14:42,750
He could fill me in on David and Liza, scream
with me when Valentino makes a new flip-flop.
194
00:14:43,559 --> 00:14:48,590
Oh, darling... a personal shopper for life!
Ooh, sweetheart!
195
00:14:49,600 --> 00:14:52,549
Give me his address, darling. Go on.
- No!
196
00:14:53,159 --> 00:14:56,000
Shut up! I know you've got it in that book.
- No!
197
00:14:56,600 --> 00:14:58,990
Will you shut up? Give me the address!
198
00:15:00,759 --> 00:15:02,690
I'll find him! I'll sniff him out!
199
00:15:03,120 --> 00:15:06,169
How many gay men can there be in New York?
200
00:15:09,559 --> 00:15:11,950
Marshall, I am vey disappointed in you.
201
00:15:12,440 --> 00:15:15,990
How could you stand by
while your son wallows in the jaws of Sodom?
202
00:15:16,639 --> 00:15:20,919
Oh, Bo! Get real here. We all have gay feelings!
203
00:15:26,639 --> 00:15:28,220
Don't we?
204
00:15:35,879 --> 00:15:37,769
Pats? Pats, sweetheart?
205
00:15:39,240 --> 00:15:41,240
Darling, what are you doing here?
206
00:15:41,679 --> 00:15:46,179
Eddie, I'm not worried about New York,
but you will come? You're gonna be there...?
207
00:15:46,960 --> 00:15:52,330
I'm going to find my son.
- Yeah, just a little support. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
208
00:15:53,240 --> 00:15:57,139
I'm going to find Serge's address.
Saffy's got it. We're going to find it.
209
00:15:57,840 --> 00:16:01,809
If she wakes up, just smother her...
- Oh, right. I might have to give her a drug...
210
00:16:02,519 --> 00:16:07,490
Shh! But let's be quiet!
- But you will come to New York, won't you?
211
00:16:07,840 --> 00:16:11,389
That's OK, then. Thanks. Cheers. I'm with you.
- Come on. Shh!
212
00:16:24,360 --> 00:16:26,360
It's OK.
- Just as well. This is good stuff.
213
00:16:26,799 --> 00:16:29,820
Shame to waste it.
- Look for a little black book.
214
00:16:30,440 --> 00:16:33,990
She's got everything in it. Little tiny thing.
215
00:16:34,639 --> 00:16:39,210
I hate books, darling. They give me itchy eyes.
- Pats! Up there!
216
00:16:40,000 --> 00:16:44,700
I'll keep an eye on her.
- Eddie, I need some help here.
217
00:16:45,200 --> 00:16:49,590
Ah, that's vey good.
- Give it to me. Give me the book.
218
00:16:49,759 --> 00:16:53,590
There we are, darling.
- Serge... Serge...
219
00:16:55,399 --> 00:16:58,809
Serge! "Guff."
Must be a club he works in or something.
220
00:16:59,480 --> 00:17:03,620
New York, New York. Put that back.
Guff. New York, New York.
221
00:17:04,359 --> 00:17:06,960
Won't even notice it's gone.
- I knew she knew.
222
00:17:07,480 --> 00:17:10,319
Yeah... Ed? Ed, can you...?
223
00:17:11,240 --> 00:17:13,200
Can you help me down from here?
224
00:17:29,799 --> 00:17:32,900
Mum!
225
00:17:33,200 --> 00:17:34,710
Good morning.
226
00:17:35,790 --> 00:17:38,450
Mum!
- Eddie! Eddie!
227
00:17:42,390 --> 00:17:44,210
Have you got everything?
Tickets, money, passport...
228
00:17:44,680 --> 00:17:47,140
Don't go!
- No, come on! We're going!
229
00:17:47,640 --> 00:17:49,740
Ow! Damn! Ooh! Ooh!
230
00:17:50,200 --> 00:17:52,730
Get up those stairs! Darling, darling...
231
00:17:53,240 --> 00:17:56,750
She's given me a wedgie on my thong. Can you...?
232
00:17:58,400 --> 00:18:00,329
Keep still...
233
00:18:04,839 --> 00:18:07,720
Ooh, that's better.
Ooh, that's a bit better. Thank you, darling.
234
00:18:08,279 --> 00:18:10,910
Can you still see it? Is it still sexy?
- Yeah. Well...
235
00:18:11,440 --> 00:18:15,160
Have you seen my glasses? I just...
236
00:18:17,480 --> 00:18:20,430
Even if you find him, he won't want to see you.
237
00:18:21,000 --> 00:18:23,880
He will, darling. My son is gonna love me.
238
00:18:27,119 --> 00:18:29,609
Tickets, money, passport.
- No! No!
239
00:18:30,119 --> 00:18:32,490
No!
240
00:18:34,960 --> 00:18:36,819
We have check-in. Yeah.
241
00:18:37,240 --> 00:18:40,259
No, stay there. We're paying to stay in the car.
- Tickets and passports, please.
242
00:18:40,839 --> 00:18:42,700
Is this upper class?
- Yes, madam.
243
00:18:43,119 --> 00:18:47,759
My face was too close to the camera. That's me.
- Thank you. Passport, please.
244
00:18:48,599 --> 00:18:50,210
Is he getting the bags?
245
00:18:51,839 --> 00:18:54,930
Sarah, would you have a look?
When was this photo taken?
246
00:18:55,519 --> 00:18:59,140
It's vey recent.
- OK, thank you. There's your boarding pass.
247
00:18:59,799 --> 00:19:02,920
Have a good flight today.
- Drive! Drive!
248
00:19:07,720 --> 00:19:11,579
You're not nervous, are you?
- No, it's all about confidence.
249
00:19:12,279 --> 00:19:16,779
If I believe it, they'll believe it.
Whatever I choose is cool because I am cool.
250
00:19:18,200 --> 00:19:20,900
What's that, darling?
- Oh, Chanel No. 5.
251
00:19:25,640 --> 00:19:27,990
I wonder what he looks like?
- Who?
252
00:19:28,480 --> 00:19:29,640
Serge.
253
00:19:29,960 --> 00:19:32,130
You're not still on about him?
- He's my son!
254
00:19:32,599 --> 00:19:36,500
Who you haven't seen for...
- All right. Ten, eleven...
255
00:19:37,200 --> 00:19:40,359
When did he leave?
- When did you notice he'd gone?
256
00:19:41,000 --> 00:19:43,980
When did I have him?
- When did your pelvic floor collapse?
257
00:19:45,160 --> 00:19:47,759
What age was I?
- Maybe he doesn't eKist.
258
00:19:48,319 --> 00:19:53,480
Maybe, Eddie...
Maybe that wasn't the placenta you ate.
259
00:19:55,599 --> 00:19:56,829
Ridiculous.
260
00:19:57,200 --> 00:20:00,250
We have to meet him.
He has to answer all these questions.
261
00:20:00,839 --> 00:20:03,470
A talking placenta.
- He'll be more interesting than that.
262
00:20:04,390 --> 00:20:08,849
He'll be...
Oh, I need some fresh air.
263
00:20:10,960 --> 00:20:14,930
Yes! My son is gay and living in New York! Yeah!
264
00:20:15,640 --> 00:20:17,809
Oh! Oh! My sunglasses! My sunglasses!
265
00:20:18,279 --> 00:20:22,460
Stop the car! Stop the car!
My sunglasses! Stop the car!
266
00:20:23,240 --> 00:20:25,630
Stop the car! They're vintage Jackie O!
267
00:20:26,119 --> 00:20:28,400
Stop the car! Go for it, babe!
268
00:20:28,920 --> 00:20:31,759
YOUTH NABBED AS SNIPER II BY BLONDIE)
269
00:20:37,000 --> 00:20:40,690
♫ Be my only
270
00:20:42,960 --> 00:20:48,230
♫ Be my own ♫
271
00:20:50,319 --> 00:20:53,890
Where are we?
Are we not staying at the Four Seasons, darling?
272
00:20:53,680 --> 00:20:58,290
It's the Soho Grand.
This is where it's at. Downtown. The street.
273
00:20:58,799 --> 00:21:02,279
You won't be woken
by a Gucci loafer on a marble floor.
274
00:21:02,920 --> 00:21:05,130
It'll be Reeboks smashing the door,
275
00:21:05,599 --> 00:21:08,590
so some kid can jack your bling.
- Fabulous!
276
00:21:10,960 --> 00:21:12,400
Oh, lovely hotel.
277
00:21:16,119 --> 00:21:18,960
Oh, I want to wear some of this, darling.
- It'll never fit.
278
00:21:19,519 --> 00:21:21,910
I'll drape it.
- We'd better get a move on.
279
00:21:22,400 --> 00:21:25,660
We've missed the press breakfast,
but we can start with Timmy Holefinger,
280
00:21:26,279 --> 00:21:29,509
Then Ellis, D... DKNY
281
00:21:30,119 --> 00:21:32,190
and then Bartley, then Luca Luca,
282
00:21:32,640 --> 00:21:35,290
then we can go onto... oh, Zac Posen.
283
00:21:35,519 --> 00:21:38,490
My little man with the bling.
284
00:21:38,559 --> 00:21:41,859
Then, darling, we could go down to Serge's club.
285
00:21:46,759 --> 00:21:50,339
Guff, darling. It's a club.
It can't be that hard to find.
286
00:21:53,240 --> 00:21:56,720
Just think -
tomorrow, I'll have a gay man on my arm.
287
00:21:57,359 --> 00:21:59,890
Darling, you don't need a fag bangle.
288
00:22:00,920 --> 00:22:04,680
That porter could've been him. I wouldn't know.
- Too tall, Eddie.
289
00:22:05,359 --> 00:22:08,269
He might've grown.
- Too thin.
290
00:22:09,390 --> 00:22:11,500
Oh, never thought about it like that. Yeah.
291
00:22:12,000 --> 00:22:13,789
So, where shall we start?
292
00:22:14,200 --> 00:22:16,269
Champagne tent?
- Yeah. Champagne tent.
293
00:22:16,720 --> 00:22:18,259
Well, let's go.
294
00:22:18,640 --> 00:22:19,799
Darling...
295
00:22:20,680 --> 00:22:22,819
Ready, Marshall?
- Do I have to do this?
296
00:22:23,279 --> 00:22:26,509
Yes. Don't talk back to me, you little twink.
297
00:22:27,119 --> 00:22:28,980
I'll stay for one drink.
- All right.
298
00:22:29,400 --> 00:22:31,930
Stay and experiment with your gay feelings.
299
00:22:32,440 --> 00:22:34,650
But if you fall foul of sin...
- Which I won't.
300
00:22:35,119 --> 00:22:37,750
...which you might,
and if you do, you come back here,
301
00:22:38,279 --> 00:22:42,690
we will exorcise the demon
and laugh the laugh of the righteous.
302
00:22:42,759 --> 00:22:45,529
I hope you're writing this down.
This could be a movie.
303
00:22:46,790 --> 00:22:48,750
Did you call Serge?
- I tried. I'll try later.
304
00:22:49,279 --> 00:22:51,420
Big daddy bear!
305
00:22:53,319 --> 00:22:55,690
Go. You go. You go.
306
00:22:55,480 --> 00:22:58,569
OK, God loves you,
just not your condition, big guy.
307
00:22:59,160 --> 00:23:01,259
Take care of baby bear.
308
00:23:09,519 --> 00:23:11,240
I'M ON E BY BLONDIE)
309
00:23:11,680 --> 00:23:13,609
♫ I'm on e, I'm on e
310
00:23:14,790 --> 00:23:15,900
♫ I'm on e, got nothin' to say
311
00:23:16,359 --> 00:23:20,490
♫ I used to have a car of my own... ♫
312
00:23:22,480 --> 00:23:25,790
Cheers. Yeah, I'm with Jeremy's now. Yeah.
313
00:23:25,599 --> 00:23:27,349
Cheers. Thanks a lot.
314
00:23:28,400 --> 00:23:31,589
It's clearing a bit. I'll go back to the bar.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
315
00:23:32,200 --> 00:23:33,950
Oh, Ruff, how are you doing?
- I'm OK.
316
00:23:34,359 --> 00:23:38,119
Seeing a lot of them?
- I'm seeing all of them, baby.
317
00:23:39,119 --> 00:23:41,329
We can give Herrera a miss, actually.
318
00:23:46,279 --> 00:23:48,380
Oh, hi.
- Hello, sweetheart. How are you?
319
00:23:48,839 --> 00:23:52,420
Great.
- My son'll be here tomorrow. He's gay.
320
00:24:03,790 --> 00:24:04,940
Precious, precious little sparrow.
321
00:24:05,359 --> 00:24:09,819
Read to me from your little journal,
take my mind off things.
322
00:24:10,599 --> 00:24:12,000
Thank you!
323
00:24:12,359 --> 00:24:14,640
"Cupboard Memoirs - Day 5.
324
00:24:15,880 --> 00:24:20,619
"My flask is empty. I'm now surviving
on old cornflakes that I found in the cupboard.
325
00:24:21,440 --> 00:24:23,789
"The family have still
not been alerted to my presence.
326
00:24:24,279 --> 00:24:30,109
"This is fantastic. Observing life through
the keyhole have opened up a new world to me.
327
00:24:31,759 --> 00:24:36,990
"This afternoon, they sat at the table
and said nothing for almost ten minutes,
328
00:24:38,319 --> 00:24:40,640
"and then the mother made them a cup of tea.
329
00:24:42,599 --> 00:24:47,269
"The father, called Ted, turned on the TV
and they watched Changing Rooms,
330
00:24:48,790 --> 00:24:49,829
"which is a television programme.
331
00:24:50,839 --> 00:24:54,319
"They watched it
without comment. Nothing was said.
332
00:24:54,960 --> 00:24:58,509
"Nothing was said. It was so funny."
333
00:25:00,319 --> 00:25:03,160
That's vey funny. Where is Marshall?!
334
00:25:05,160 --> 00:25:08,000
Why isn't he back yet,
that crazy little chubby chaser?
335
00:25:08,599 --> 00:25:11,759
Oh, baby, what if he never comes back?
336
00:25:12,359 --> 00:25:16,569
I'll have to do the show myself.
I can do that. I've done it before.
337
00:25:19,400 --> 00:25:22,910
...and that was sort of it.
- That's fascinating, lola.
338
00:25:23,599 --> 00:25:26,590
Now, lola, how did Jesus come to you?
339
00:25:26,559 --> 00:25:29,970
Did he come from the side?
Did he come straight at you?
340
00:25:30,640 --> 00:25:35,240
If he came from below, you wouldn't
have seen him. He'd have been lost for days.
341
00:25:36,390 --> 00:25:41,380
Now, lola, how did Jesus come to you?
- He came more on the diagonal.
342
00:25:42,319 --> 00:25:45,799
That's a big word for you!
Diagonal. And what did he look like?
343
00:25:46,480 --> 00:25:48,440
Like... like Jesus.
344
00:25:49,160 --> 00:25:51,690
Like Jesus. Did he have a beard?
- Oh, yeah.
345
00:25:52,240 --> 00:25:55,539
Was he wearing sandals or was he barefoot?
- Barefoot.
346
00:25:56,200 --> 00:25:58,299
What colour was his robe?
- Blue.
347
00:25:58,799 --> 00:26:01,569
That weren't Jesus! Jesus has a white robe.
348
00:26:02,119 --> 00:26:04,220
That was a demon, lola.
- oh.
349
00:26:04,680 --> 00:26:07,170
A demon came to you, lola?
- No, I...
350
00:26:07,680 --> 00:26:10,990
Is that what happened?
Get down and pray for forgiveness.
351
00:26:10,640 --> 00:26:15,210
This is what he asked me to do.
- Good God! Get the demon out! Demon out!
352
00:26:16,390 --> 00:26:17,829
Demon out! Demon out!
353
00:26:18,319 --> 00:26:20,710
What am I gonna do?
354
00:26:26,799 --> 00:26:28,549
Let me see the schedule.
355
00:26:28,960 --> 00:26:31,170
So, er... Oh, darling, what does it say?
356
00:26:31,640 --> 00:26:33,390
Basically, we've missed the first six.
357
00:26:38,000 --> 00:26:42,599
We've got to see something.
- It's down there. We'll catch the next one.
358
00:26:43,440 --> 00:26:47,369
I'll get another drink.
- No, I'm being vey selective.
359
00:26:48,119 --> 00:26:51,910
Take it easy.
- I'm not prepared to reveal my vibe.
360
00:26:56,759 --> 00:26:59,740
What is your vibe?
- Bling.
361
00:27:00,319 --> 00:27:02,670
Just simple, you know? Just, um...
362
00:27:03,160 --> 00:27:06,250
Just a T-shirt on a rail and a bag.
363
00:27:06,839 --> 00:27:08,559
Simple.
- Yeah.
364
00:27:08,960 --> 00:27:11,349
We'll come tomorrow. We'll do Zac Posen
365
00:27:11,880 --> 00:27:15,690
That's all we have to do.
That gives us the afternoon. Cheers.
366
00:27:15,680 --> 00:27:18,690
Then we could go down Serge's club.
367
00:27:18,559 --> 00:27:21,539
Oh, no!
- I have to, darling. You promised.
368
00:27:22,119 --> 00:27:25,349
Everyone out there
thinks he's coming tomorrow. Please, sweetie.
369
00:27:25,960 --> 00:27:28,990
Well, change first, Eddie.
370
00:27:38,559 --> 00:27:42,529
It's here. Ooh, sweetheart! Guff! Guff!
371
00:27:43,880 --> 00:27:45,210
Guff.
372
00:27:49,759 --> 00:27:53,190
Oh, Guff. "Gays Uniting Friends and Family."
373
00:27:53,640 --> 00:27:56,619
So not a club?
- No, it's a drop-in centre for l, G...
374
00:27:57,200 --> 00:28:00,900
"lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Trans-gender."
375
00:28:00,559 --> 00:28:01,789
Oh.
376
00:28:02,759 --> 00:28:04,720
My son is gay. He works here.
377
00:28:05,160 --> 00:28:07,259
Serge. Is he here?
- No.
378
00:28:09,279 --> 00:28:12,859
Will you give me his address and phone nu...?
- No, I can't give it to you.
379
00:28:13,519 --> 00:28:15,269
I'm his mother!
- No, I can't.
380
00:28:15,680 --> 00:28:18,839
Well, who can?
- Goldie, our counsellor, but she won't.
381
00:28:29,390 --> 00:28:31,390
Get out!
382
00:28:31,480 --> 00:28:35,290
Get out! Get out!
I'm not talking to you people again.
383
00:28:35,680 --> 00:28:39,720
There you are in my office,
crying. "Oh, my son! Ooh!
384
00:28:40,440 --> 00:28:43,180
"My son is gay! What am I going to do?"
385
00:28:43,720 --> 00:28:46,559
You know what you can do? Get over it! Get out!
386
00:28:48,200 --> 00:28:50,890
Creepy, strange-ass white people!
387
00:29:02,440 --> 00:29:06,829
Sit. And you know what?
They all have the same little idea.
388
00:29:07,599 --> 00:29:10,720
Gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay,
gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay.
389
00:29:13,680 --> 00:29:18,349
I do weddings. That's how I really
make my money. Can I show you something?
390
00:29:19,200 --> 00:29:25,140
I want to welcome you here
to the LBGB counselling centre.
391
00:29:26,119 --> 00:29:30,970
I counsel out of the goodness of my heart
because I want people to be married.
392
00:29:31,839 --> 00:29:34,160
Will you think about getting married for me?
393
00:29:34,640 --> 00:29:39,630
Now, I do these same-sex marriages.
It doesn't cost much.
394
00:29:40,480 --> 00:29:44,410
And you know what I include?
Foot-washing and hand-fastening.
395
00:29:46,790 --> 00:29:48,710
I have speaking in tongues, just as a sideline...
396
00:29:49,799 --> 00:29:51,940
Eddie, just play along with me.
397
00:29:52,400 --> 00:29:54,569
It costs nothin' and I take traveller's cheques.
398
00:29:55,790 --> 00:29:57,500
I take it you're both "l"
399
00:29:58,390 --> 00:30:00,109
Yes. I take it you're "T"
400
00:30:00,599 --> 00:30:04,670
No, I'm just getting over flu,
but you're the second person to say that today.
401
00:30:09,240 --> 00:30:11,589
Hmm... Who's been smoking?
402
00:30:12,559 --> 00:30:14,990
I can smell it.
403
00:30:15,640 --> 00:30:18,589
Is it you? Come here. Come here, gal.
404
00:30:19,160 --> 00:30:21,299
Come here. Let me smell you.
405
00:30:22,400 --> 00:30:24,960
Oh, God! One more time!
406
00:30:28,799 --> 00:30:33,119
Thank you, girl. I've been sitting
up here all day, tying to get myself together.
407
00:30:33,880 --> 00:30:37,849
You know what?
You like lady Nicotine to me. Lady Nicotine!
408
00:30:39,279 --> 00:30:40,539
Mmm!
409
00:30:40,920 --> 00:30:42,880
So, what can I do for ya?
410
00:30:43,359 --> 00:30:47,119
Um, we, er... We want to get married.
411
00:30:49,390 --> 00:30:50,650
No, we don't.
- Yes, we do.
412
00:30:51,790 --> 00:30:53,710
We do.
- We don't, because I'm...
413
00:30:54,279 --> 00:30:57,190
We want to get married for your son's sake.
414
00:30:57,559 --> 00:31:00,789
What do you mean?
- She's worried that the family won't accept it.
415
00:31:02,720 --> 00:31:06,690
Of course my family will accept it.
My son and my first husband are gay,
416
00:31:07,400 --> 00:31:10,290
but my... my gay son is from my straight husband.
417
00:31:10,839 --> 00:31:14,349
I've got a daughter, too,
but she doesn't like Patsy living in the house.
418
00:31:15,000 --> 00:31:17,250
She's jealous.
- She's not jealous, darling.
419
00:31:17,720 --> 00:31:20,599
Do you know something? OK, counselling.
420
00:31:21,160 --> 00:31:24,950
Sometimes I don't like you living in the house.
- Oh, don't let's rake this up again.
421
00:31:25,640 --> 00:31:30,170
Rake it up? That's what counselling is for,
darling, so we don't live through the lie,
422
00:31:30,960 --> 00:31:35,529
because since you've had the job and been wearing
the trousers, so to speak, you're taking over.
423
00:31:36,319 --> 00:31:40,990
I can't get a word in edgeways.
You're drinking my drink, spending all my money...
424
00:31:41,799 --> 00:31:45,240
You come back at me now.
Tell me something you don't like about me.
425
00:31:45,880 --> 00:31:49,460
All right, then. Sometimes you talk
with your mouth full, but I don't care.
426
00:31:50,119 --> 00:31:51,869
Mary me, Eddie!
427
00:31:52,839 --> 00:31:54,589
Mmm-mmm-mmm.
428
00:31:55,960 --> 00:31:58,210
It's... It's so sudden.
429
00:31:59,440 --> 00:32:03,440
You know what? I think we've gone
as far as we can go with counselling.
430
00:32:04,160 --> 00:32:06,160
You come with me.
431
00:32:09,480 --> 00:32:11,440
Give me five minutes. I'm a genius.
432
00:32:11,880 --> 00:32:13,809
We'll meet you on the pier.
433
00:32:14,240 --> 00:32:16,940
Can I get another hit?
- Sure.
434
00:32:17,960 --> 00:32:20,589
Oh, yeah! Yeah! Who's your mama?
435
00:32:25,400 --> 00:32:28,349
Um... Cheers. Thanks a lot.
436
00:32:32,480 --> 00:32:36,519
What are you doing?! Why haven't you moved?!
Why are you just sitting there?!
437
00:32:37,240 --> 00:32:41,000
Is she back?
- No! She's not here. It's vey late.
438
00:32:46,519 --> 00:32:49,220
♫ Happy talk, keep talking happy talk
439
00:32:49,759 --> 00:32:52,180
♫ Talk about things you like to do
440
00:32:52,680 --> 00:32:54,490
♫ You got to have a dream
441
00:32:54,400 --> 00:32:55,769
♫ If you don't have a dream
442
00:32:56,119 --> 00:32:58,509
♫ How you gonna have a dream come true? ♫
443
00:33:01,200 --> 00:33:02,950
What happened then?
- You clapped.
444
00:33:03,480 --> 00:33:07,339
This is ridiculous! They'll think
I'm a fantasist! You're all freaks!
445
00:33:10,480 --> 00:33:11,920
You see, I'm not gay.
446
00:33:12,279 --> 00:33:17,200
OK. OK...but there's a few things
you'll have to come to terms with.
447
00:33:18,390 --> 00:33:23,519
First, everybody is gay.
- Oh, yeah, I know that.
448
00:33:24,440 --> 00:33:27,769
From the mailman
to the President, everybody's in denial.
449
00:33:28,400 --> 00:33:30,359
You know.
- Yes.
450
00:33:31,440 --> 00:33:34,109
Don't be ashamed of who you are.
- I'm not. No.
451
00:33:34,640 --> 00:33:38,779
Learn to love the "V"- on-"V" thing.
452
00:33:39,519 --> 00:33:43,140
It's cool.
- "V"- on-"V" thing...
453
00:33:43,799 --> 00:33:45,730
Tasty, too.
454
00:34:02,799 --> 00:34:05,710
Come on, now. Come here. Look at me.
455
00:34:06,319 --> 00:34:09,199
Love yourself.
- No, I do. That's fine.
456
00:34:09,760 --> 00:34:13,590
No, you've got to say it
to yourself - "I love you."
457
00:34:13,719 --> 00:34:14,949
I love you.
458
00:34:15,320 --> 00:34:19,360
Put your hand down here... on the love box.
459
00:34:20,480 --> 00:34:22,230
I love you.
- I love...
460
00:34:22,639 --> 00:34:24,960
No, I'm not too happy with... No!
461
00:34:25,440 --> 00:34:27,300
All right. You like the girls?
- Yeah.
462
00:34:27,719 --> 00:34:29,469
Grab the girls.
- OK. Grab the girls.
463
00:34:29,920 --> 00:34:33,920
Pick the girls up.
Rise them up! What do you say to them?
464
00:34:34,679 --> 00:34:36,429
I lOVE you!
- That's right.
465
00:34:36,840 --> 00:34:38,420
I lOVE you!
- Feeling good?
466
00:34:38,800 --> 00:34:41,150
Yeah, good.
- Stick that tongue out. "I love ya!"
467
00:34:41,639 --> 00:34:43,100
I lOVE ya!
- Grit your teeth now!
468
00:34:43,360 --> 00:34:45,639
I love ya!
- I love ya!
469
00:34:46,159 --> 00:34:48,860
Ooh, girl, you ready! You ready, girl!
- I'm ready.
470
00:34:49,400 --> 00:34:51,360
Come on, girl. You ready.
471
00:35:03,390 --> 00:35:06,230
There she is now. Remember, she's Mr Right.
472
00:35:08,840 --> 00:35:11,750
We are gathered here today in wonderfulness...
473
00:35:12,360 --> 00:35:14,849
Quick, Eddie.
- ...in wonderfulness
474
00:35:15,960 --> 00:35:19,789
to bring together
this woman with this woman...
475
00:35:21,790 --> 00:35:22,900
in the sight of...
476
00:35:24,280 --> 00:35:26,880
What's your name?
- Bill.
477
00:35:27,519 --> 00:35:32,300
...in the sight of Bill
to join this heart to this heart...
478
00:35:33,159 --> 00:35:36,320
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no! Let's go.
479
00:35:43,760 --> 00:35:45,619
Is that my office?
480
00:35:50,920 --> 00:35:54,150
Just needed a bit of information...
It was in the filing cabinet...
481
00:35:54,800 --> 00:35:57,639
My son is gay! And it's Fashion Week!
482
00:36:00,519 --> 00:36:04,349
Bless this union - and you'll go
through with this or the deal's off...
483
00:36:07,320 --> 00:36:09,849
Now, repeat after me. "I, Edina..."
484
00:36:11,390 --> 00:36:13,989
I, Edina, take you, Patsy...
485
00:36:16,199 --> 00:36:19,960
I, Patsy, take you, Ed... E...
486
00:36:20,639 --> 00:36:22,570
Eddie...
487
00:36:23,000 --> 00:36:25,489
"...to be my woman."
- To be my woman.
488
00:36:27,199 --> 00:36:29,519
Have you prepared vows?
- No!
489
00:36:30,390 --> 00:36:33,269
Do you want a hand-fastening?
- No.
490
00:36:33,920 --> 00:36:35,989
Do you want to sip from the common goblet?
491
00:36:36,440 --> 00:36:38,329
Of course, that's extra.
- Well, a sip...
492
00:36:38,760 --> 00:36:40,190
No.
- No.
493
00:36:41,559 --> 00:36:43,349
Then, on with the exchange of rings.
494
00:36:55,159 --> 00:36:57,190
I pronounce you married.
495
00:36:57,639 --> 00:37:00,990
You may kiss the brides.
496
00:37:02,360 --> 00:37:04,710
You pucker.
- No, you pucker.
497
00:37:05,199 --> 00:37:09,990
Come on, now. Somebody pucker up.
- No!
498
00:37:09,800 --> 00:37:12,260
She'll be there in a minute.
- I can't, Ed. I...
499
00:37:15,239 --> 00:37:16,989
I can't do that, Eddie.
500
00:37:17,400 --> 00:37:21,440
Pucker, don't pucker - suit yourself.
I will require a credit card.
501
00:37:22,559 --> 00:37:24,309
American Express.
502
00:37:25,719 --> 00:37:27,820
That better be Serge's address. Give it!
503
00:37:30,920 --> 00:37:33,199
He'll be there in the morning.
504
00:37:34,920 --> 00:37:38,219
Thank you vey much.
- Cheers. Thanks a lot.
505
00:37:39,800 --> 00:37:42,790
I wanted that! We're married!
506
00:37:42,559 --> 00:37:45,539
Aren't you going to cary me
over the porthole, sweetheart?
507
00:37:49,880 --> 00:37:53,390
You know what? Third time lucky for me.
- Don't be ridiculous!
508
00:37:53,679 --> 00:37:55,780
I should've had a pre-nup.
You're not getting my money.
509
00:37:56,280 --> 00:37:59,400
Oh, stop this, Eddie.
- What's the matter with you?
510
00:38:00,000 --> 00:38:02,139
I just...
- Go and change.
511
00:38:02,599 --> 00:38:05,690
It's 'cause I've got this stuff...
- What? What? Where?
512
00:38:06,280 --> 00:38:09,539
It's all over. There's something
down here that hurts so much.
513
00:38:10,159 --> 00:38:12,190
Let me have a look.
- Really, really hurts. Ah!
514
00:38:12,639 --> 00:38:15,239
It's dropped down.
You'll have to take your pants off.
515
00:38:17,519 --> 00:38:19,380
It's all right. We're married!
516
00:38:21,199 --> 00:38:22,949
Paper clip.
- Cheers. Thanks a lot.
517
00:38:24,790 --> 00:38:27,980
Listen, we are not married. It is not legal.
- We are married. Darling!
518
00:38:28,719 --> 00:38:31,110
Just keep it on till tomorrow.
- Why?
519
00:38:31,599 --> 00:38:35,360
Then I'll have been married to you
longer than I've been married to anybody.
520
00:38:36,790 --> 00:38:38,679
I've never even come back
from honeymoon still married.
521
00:38:41,790 --> 00:38:43,219
Still... got what I wanted.
522
00:38:43,679 --> 00:38:45,679
Serge's address. Serge... Turtle.
523
00:38:46,119 --> 00:38:50,690
Why's he called Turtle?
The Strand - must be a club. He works at a club...
524
00:38:51,480 --> 00:38:53,269
Oh, stop going on about this!
525
00:38:53,679 --> 00:38:57,679
I've had a hell of a day,
I've got work to do and I'm vey tired!
526
00:38:58,400 --> 00:39:01,909
Good. Because, frankly, I've got a headache!
527
00:39:05,800 --> 00:39:09,519
I just spoke to Mum.
She thinks she's found Serge. I don't know how.
528
00:39:10,239 --> 00:39:13,539
Oh, never mind, dear.
- No, I wanted her to find him.
529
00:39:14,159 --> 00:39:18,829
I hope he loves her. I hope she stays there.
- Of course. We all want that.
530
00:39:20,360 --> 00:39:22,889
I hope he's realises what he's put me through.
531
00:39:23,440 --> 00:39:26,460
But, Saffy dear, what would you be without her?
532
00:39:28,360 --> 00:39:29,590
What?
533
00:39:30,880 --> 00:39:33,480
What is it? What is it, Eddie?
- It's a bookshop!
534
00:39:36,119 --> 00:39:38,119
It's not a club?!
- No, it's a second-hand bookshop.
535
00:39:38,559 --> 00:39:43,230
Oh, no! Well, let's not go in.
- You gave me half an hour. We're going in.
536
00:39:44,390 --> 00:39:46,809
I can't do this! I can't meet her toddy!
537
00:39:48,199 --> 00:39:50,590
Look at what I'm wearing!
538
00:39:50,480 --> 00:39:55,400
I have to go shopping.
She can't arrive until I've gone shopping. Aah!
539
00:39:56,239 --> 00:39:59,100
I have to work out. I'm so fat!
540
00:39:59,559 --> 00:40:01,949
Fat! Fat! Fat! Fat! Fatty-Fatty-2K4!
541
00:40:02,440 --> 00:40:05,670
Saffy, call her! Tell her she can't come today.
542
00:40:07,239 --> 00:40:08,469
Saffy?
543
00:40:09,599 --> 00:40:11,389
Run! Run! Run! Run!
544
00:40:11,800 --> 00:40:13,550
Move! Move! Move! Move!
545
00:40:14,000 --> 00:40:17,510
. II
BV VOUR PRESENCE DEARII BV BLONDIE)
546
00:40:18,159 --> 00:40:20,260
Ma'am, your bags.
547
00:40:21,920 --> 00:40:24,690
I need lipo and pecs!
548
00:40:25,920 --> 00:40:27,710
I need pecs!
549
00:40:29,599 --> 00:40:31,349
I'm looking for my son.
550
00:40:34,840 --> 00:40:37,400
Of course I'll recognise her.
551
00:40:43,400 --> 00:40:45,100
My eyes! My eyes!
552
00:40:47,000 --> 00:40:50,929
♫ Stay awake at night and count your RfMs
553
00:40:53,639 --> 00:40:57,400
♫ When you're talking with your super friends... ♫
554
00:40:59,280 --> 00:41:02,929
I will get pecs,
even if I have to rip open my own chest
555
00:41:03,599 --> 00:41:06,230
and push in chicken livers with my teeth!
556
00:41:06,760 --> 00:41:10,829
Teeth! I need new teeth!
I keep finding bits of enamel on the floor!
557
00:41:13,800 --> 00:41:15,380
Eddie?
558
00:41:18,480 --> 00:41:19,639
Pats?
559
00:41:19,960 --> 00:41:22,940
Over here, Eddie. I'm stuck!
- I'm down here, sweetheart.
560
00:41:26,790 --> 00:41:27,659
Serge!
561
00:41:32,390 --> 00:41:34,500
It's me, Mama.
562
00:41:35,000 --> 00:41:38,789
Oh, my God! I didn't want to meet you like this.
563
00:41:39,480 --> 00:41:41,300
Not here.
- That's all right, darling.
564
00:41:48,119 --> 00:41:52,329
Oh! I don't care where we are
or what you are. You are my son.
565
00:41:53,719 --> 00:41:55,500
Er... I'm not.
566
00:41:59,440 --> 00:42:02,460
What?
- I'm... I'm not Serge.
567
00:42:03,679 --> 00:42:04,909
Serge Turtle?
568
00:42:05,880 --> 00:42:08,409
No, I'm not your son, but...
569
00:42:10,639 --> 00:42:15,380
I love you... and I don't even know you, so...
570
00:42:18,159 --> 00:42:22,190
I'm Serge, I dm your son,
571
00:42:25,599 --> 00:42:27,670
He's a book?
572
00:42:41,639 --> 00:42:43,809
Serge.
- Hello.
573
00:42:45,480 --> 00:42:48,780
Darling, is that really you?
Are you standing on something, sweetheart?
574
00:42:49,440 --> 00:42:50,670
No.
575
00:42:52,639 --> 00:42:54,599
You exist, then.
576
00:42:55,390 --> 00:42:58,590
I was beginning to think you were
just talking placenta. That's what Pats said.
577
00:43:00,790 --> 00:43:03,630
Sorry.
- Give your mum a hug, darling.
578
00:43:27,790 --> 00:43:29,790
Sweetheart! Hello, darling.
579
00:43:34,360 --> 00:43:37,619
Look at you. Oh, Daddy's face. Ooh.
580
00:43:39,280 --> 00:43:43,920
Sweetheart... Do you know who this is?
- This is Martin, my partner.
581
00:43:44,760 --> 00:43:46,550
Your boyfriend?
- Yes.
582
00:43:46,960 --> 00:43:48,780
Yes. Oh, yes. Oh, yes.
583
00:43:49,239 --> 00:43:52,889
It's super to meet you.
I knew this would work out.
584
00:43:53,599 --> 00:43:56,440
May I say that in the flesh, you are...
- Stop it.
585
00:43:57,000 --> 00:43:59,170
You are bigger... I mean, larger...
586
00:43:59,639 --> 00:44:03,190
I mean, a light. A vey big light.
- Just leave it. Shut up.
587
00:44:03,840 --> 00:44:05,909
I just adore what you're wearing!
588
00:44:06,360 --> 00:44:09,239
I'll shut up now. You two, you know, cary on.
589
00:44:11,000 --> 00:44:12,960
So...
- You found me.
590
00:44:13,440 --> 00:44:17,550
Yeah, it wasn't easy,
you using that fake name, Turtle.
591
00:44:19,119 --> 00:44:21,150
That is my name. It's Dad's name.
592
00:44:22,400 --> 00:44:23,559
Oh.
593
00:44:23,920 --> 00:44:29,190
Look, Saffy's right. I have been a coward.
- Darling, I want us to forget that now.
594
00:44:30,119 --> 00:44:34,579
Well, don't you want to know why I left?
- It's the past! We can start over!
595
00:44:35,400 --> 00:44:40,700
No, I left to be the person I am,
not the son you want me to be.
596
00:44:40,920 --> 00:44:43,130
I wanted you to be gay, darling!
597
00:44:44,119 --> 00:44:48,119
Why do think I blasted my belly
with Donna Summer for nine months?
598
00:44:48,840 --> 00:44:52,880
I was tying to mould you in the womb.
My hairdresser laid hands on you!
599
00:44:54,480 --> 00:44:58,239
Honestly, you could have told me.
You could have told Mama.
600
00:44:58,920 --> 00:45:02,790
Think of the things we've missed,
the times we could have had.
601
00:45:02,679 --> 00:45:06,789
I'm in mourning now for the shopping trips,
the sunbeds, the bitchin'...
602
00:45:07,559 --> 00:45:11,280
This is why I left.
You have one idea about what it is to be gay.
603
00:45:11,960 --> 00:45:15,219
A gay man can be... boring.
604
00:45:15,840 --> 00:45:21,389
Sweetheart, being gay is the best excuse
you'll ever have for NOT being boring.
605
00:45:22,840 --> 00:45:24,170
Time's up, Eddie.
606
00:45:26,920 --> 00:45:29,519
Darling, where've you been?
- I got my head wedged in the Erica Jongs.
607
00:45:31,239 --> 00:45:33,940
This is Serge. Not that one, this one.
608
00:45:34,519 --> 00:45:36,800
Serge, darling, do you remember old Patsy?
609
00:45:38,119 --> 00:45:39,280
Serge.
610
00:45:39,639 --> 00:45:40,829
Pat.
611
00:45:45,760 --> 00:45:48,250
listen, we're taking in a few fashion shows...
612
00:45:48,760 --> 00:45:50,510
In about half an hour.
- I know.
613
00:45:52,119 --> 00:45:54,219
So, darling...
- Oh, just go.
614
00:45:54,719 --> 00:45:57,389
No, you could come with us.
- No, no, no.
615
00:45:57,920 --> 00:46:02,990
My God. It's just the same!
You think you can attach me like an accessory
616
00:46:02,880 --> 00:46:05,829
and drag me around without
ever listening to what I want to say.
617
00:46:06,440 --> 00:46:11,429
I will, darling, but just not here.
- We only have 30 minutes. I want to go with her.
618
00:46:13,280 --> 00:46:16,159
OK, listen.
- I will listen to you, darling,
619
00:46:16,719 --> 00:46:18,579
but not with the books.
620
00:46:19,000 --> 00:46:22,260
Don't you remember my book allergy? Itchy eyes!
621
00:46:23,800 --> 00:46:25,550
Itchy eyes?!
622
00:46:26,920 --> 00:46:30,150
You never could stand books.
- Well, I like books with photos.
623
00:46:30,960 --> 00:46:33,559
You hate books!
- I hate these books, yes.
624
00:46:34,790 --> 00:46:38,119
I hate these dusty old books,
these books of... dead ideas.
625
00:46:38,880 --> 00:46:41,500
"A graveyard of ideas", that's what you said.
626
00:46:41,519 --> 00:46:46,539
"Tiny coffins full of putrefying concepts."
- Yeah, well, I was jealous of the books...
627
00:46:47,440 --> 00:46:52,320
I could take you hating everything eke about me,
flaunting your breasts at my friends,
628
00:46:53,159 --> 00:46:56,920
seducing them, chasing them away
with your overbearing corpulence,
629
00:46:57,639 --> 00:46:59,780
the way you smothered me with blubber...
630
00:47:01,840 --> 00:47:04,539
the way you clutched me
to your breast when you were lonely,
631
00:47:05,790 --> 00:47:08,130
the way you let THAT revel in our misery,
632
00:47:08,719 --> 00:47:10,929
but... my books.
633
00:47:11,639 --> 00:47:14,449
Why did you burn all my books?
634
00:47:15,199 --> 00:47:18,530
We were cold! Come on, Eddie.
I'm going. This is important to me.
635
00:47:19,320 --> 00:47:21,349
I know, darling. Hang on one sec.
636
00:47:23,000 --> 00:47:26,190
Just come with us today.
We'll do a couple of shows.
637
00:47:27,320 --> 00:47:31,429
Give me a day to prove
how much I love you, sweetheart.
638
00:47:32,199 --> 00:47:37,500
Will you? Just give me a day, sweetheart.
Say you'll do that. Come on, darling. Come on.
639
00:47:38,440 --> 00:47:40,789
Say yes! Say yes! Come on! Say yes!
640
00:47:41,280 --> 00:47:44,230
I'm stronger than you!
This always worked when he was a boy.
641
00:47:44,800 --> 00:47:48,559
Say yes. I'm not letting go.
- Say yes! It's only a day! Say yes!
642
00:47:49,239 --> 00:47:51,170
OK! Let go!
643
00:47:51,639 --> 00:47:53,110
Oh! He said yes!
644
00:47:53,960 --> 00:47:57,610
Saf? Darling? Saffy?
We're in New York, darling. Can you hear me?
645
00:47:58,280 --> 00:48:01,190
Guess who's next to me now, darling? Serge.
646
00:48:01,559 --> 00:48:03,309
Come on, darling.
- I'm coming.
647
00:48:03,719 --> 00:48:05,539
Darling, say hello.
- Hi, Saffy.
648
00:48:05,960 --> 00:48:08,990
See, darling? I've got him!
649
00:48:08,599 --> 00:48:10,460
Mum? Serge?
650
00:48:10,880 --> 00:48:14,000
Where the hell have you been?
- On my date. You sent me.
651
00:48:14,599 --> 00:48:16,630
Did he touch you?
- Only on the knee.
652
00:48:17,790 --> 00:48:19,639
Oh, God! Did you kiss him?
- We talked about it.
653
00:48:20,159 --> 00:48:22,900
That's the same thing in God's eyes!
654
00:48:22,519 --> 00:48:25,500
Get down! Get down!
- See? This really is a movie.
655
00:48:25,559 --> 00:48:27,519
We'll take it out of you.
656
00:48:27,960 --> 00:48:30,980
I should write it down. You've got a script here.
657
00:48:31,559 --> 00:48:33,769
Or a book, even. Are you listening, dear?
658
00:48:34,280 --> 00:48:36,909
♫ If your memory serves you well
659
00:48:37,880 --> 00:48:41,139
♫ We were going to meet again and wait... ♫
660
00:48:41,760 --> 00:48:43,690
Darling, he's with me.
661
00:48:44,159 --> 00:48:48,440
This way, sweetheart.
Perhaps you could give my son a haircut. He's gay.
662
00:48:49,239 --> 00:48:51,519
Can anyone tongue my son? He's gay.
663
00:48:54,559 --> 00:48:57,300
♫ With another tale to tell
664
00:48:58,559 --> 00:49:01,929
♫And you know that we shall meet again
665
00:49:02,599 --> 00:49:06,790
- ♫ If your memory serves you well... ♫
- Keep up, darling. This is my son. He's gay.
666
00:49:06,760 --> 00:49:09,289
No, he's with me.
667
00:49:10,840 --> 00:49:15,900
♫ Rolling down the road
668
00:49:16,800 --> 00:49:20,349
♫ Best notify my next of kin
669
00:49:21,000 --> 00:49:24,650
- ♫ This wheel shall explode
- I think it's water.
670
00:49:27,440 --> 00:49:31,130
Oh, no. That's Patsy's bottle.
Put the lid back on before it evaporates.
671
00:49:37,960 --> 00:49:39,710
Nice to meet you.
672
00:49:40,159 --> 00:49:45,500
Hello. We loved it. We loved it. This is my son.
- Is he gay?
673
00:49:46,400 --> 00:49:49,239
Put him in leather. Put him in leather.
674
00:49:55,239 --> 00:49:58,360
- ♫ If your memory serves you well... ♫
- Debbie!
675
00:49:58,960 --> 00:50:00,849
Your godson! Your godson!
676
00:50:18,000 --> 00:50:19,789
My son is gay.
677
00:51:35,320 --> 00:51:37,700
Hold that. I can do that, Eddie.
678
00:51:38,840 --> 00:51:41,610
Eddie? Eddie, look at this, darling.
679
00:51:44,159 --> 00:51:46,579
Whoa! Eddie, look. I'm up here, darling!
680
00:51:47,119 --> 00:51:49,100
Rock 'n' roll!
681
00:51:52,800 --> 00:51:55,190
Ow! Ow! Ed, something's burning!
682
00:51:56,199 --> 00:51:58,369
Oh, my God! It's me! Eddie!
683
00:52:16,519 --> 00:52:18,990
Darling, call Saffy!
684
00:52:23,000 --> 00:52:24,750
Do something!
685
00:52:26,440 --> 00:52:28,260
♫ Wheel's on fire
686
00:52:29,440 --> 00:52:34,150
♫ Rolling down the road
687
00:52:35,790 --> 00:52:38,909
♫ Best notify my next of kin
688
00:52:39,599 --> 00:52:44,990
♫ This wheel shall explode... ♫
689
00:52:49,440 --> 00:52:52,489
You're early.
I didn't know if you'd be on this flight.
690
00:52:53,790 --> 00:52:55,750
No, they let us out. The cops. No charge.
691
00:52:56,280 --> 00:52:58,239
That's because I paid the fine.
692
00:52:58,719 --> 00:53:01,630
It was a great trip, wasn't it?
You got inspiration for Jeremy's.
693
00:53:02,199 --> 00:53:05,960
I've got a fantastic new concept -
just free airline sponge bags and a rail.
694
00:53:06,639 --> 00:53:10,100
Gifts for the customers.
I must get on to the team.
695
00:53:10,639 --> 00:53:12,809
That's not your phone. That's your lighter.
696
00:53:13,280 --> 00:53:15,769
Oh! It's a lighter!
- Did you see that, darling?
697
00:53:16,280 --> 00:53:18,700
Fantastic trip, Eddie.
698
00:53:18,519 --> 00:53:20,269
Mum...
- Oh, cheers, darling.
699
00:53:20,679 --> 00:53:23,139
Patsy and I got married.
- Well, we...
700
00:53:23,639 --> 00:53:28,309
Yeah. Third time for me, isn't it, sweetheart?
Gay man, straight man, woman.
701
00:53:29,159 --> 00:53:31,159
That's fantastic.
- Mum...
702
00:53:31,599 --> 00:53:33,809
I'm sorry about Serge.
- That's all right.
703
00:53:34,400 --> 00:53:36,429
I just wanted to say...
704
00:53:38,199 --> 00:53:39,949
I still love you.
705
00:53:42,320 --> 00:53:45,480
Yeah, well, you don't need to now.
My son loves me.
706
00:53:46,119 --> 00:53:48,960
In fact, he's coming to live with us.
- Serge?!
707
00:53:50,790 --> 00:53:51,659
No, my son.
708
00:53:52,599 --> 00:53:55,900
I now pronounce you mother and son.
709
00:53:57,159 --> 00:53:58,909
Photo.
710
00:53:59,840 --> 00:54:04,619
♫ This wheel shall explode ♫
56117
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