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1
00:00:02,120 --> 00:00:05,112
("RED DWARF" THEME)
2
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Hello? Can you hear me?
3
00:01:02,600 --> 00:01:07,196
Oh, no. Of course not.
I haven't engaged your verbal systems.
4
00:01:07,360 --> 00:01:09,794
(LISTER) Kryten.
5
00:01:09,960 --> 00:01:13,669
- Kryten, what you doing?
- I've repaired the toaster. Well, nearly.
6
00:01:13,840 --> 00:01:16,877
Oh, no! Dismantle him!
You don't know what he's like!
7
00:01:17,080 --> 00:01:20,675
I've read the documentation, sir.
He's simply a talking alarm clock
8
00:01:20,840 --> 00:01:23,434
who provides morning toast
and light conversation.
9
00:01:23,600 --> 00:01:26,160
- Not this one. This one's mental.
- Sir?
10
00:01:26,320 --> 00:01:30,598
He's defective. He wants everyone
to eat toast all of the time. He's obsessed.
11
00:01:30,760 --> 00:01:35,038
If you don't want 400 rounds of toast
every hour, he throws a wobbler.
12
00:01:35,200 --> 00:01:37,634
- That's what caused the accident.
- What accident?
13
00:01:37,800 --> 00:01:42,954
The accident involving me, the toaster,
the waste disposal and a 14lb lump hammer.
14
00:01:43,120 --> 00:01:46,635
That's why he was in the garbage hold
in 3,000 pieces.
15
00:01:46,800 --> 00:01:49,872
Another thing.
He always says "Howdy doodly do".
16
00:01:50,040 --> 00:01:53,999
Drives you spare.
What the smeg does "Howdy doodly do" mean?
17
00:01:54,160 --> 00:01:57,948
Well, just trust me, sir.
My motives will become clear.
18
00:01:58,160 --> 00:02:01,516
(CHIRPY VOICE) Howdy doodly do!
How's it going? I'm Talkie,
19
00:02:01,720 --> 00:02:05,076
Talkie Toaster,
your chirpy breakfast companion,
20
00:02:05,240 --> 00:02:09,153
Talkie's the name, toasting's the game,
Anyone like any toast?
21
00:02:09,320 --> 00:02:12,437
I don't want any toast. He doesn't want any toast.
22
00:02:12,600 --> 00:02:17,310
No one around here wants any toast.
Not now, not ever. No toast.
23
00:02:17,520 --> 00:02:21,069
- How about a muffin?
- Or muffins! We don't like muffins here!
24
00:02:21,280 --> 00:02:23,953
We want no muffins, no toast, no teacakes,
25
00:02:24,120 --> 00:02:26,634
no buns, baps, baguettes or bagels,
26
00:02:26,800 --> 00:02:29,473
no croissants, no crumpets, no pancakes,
27
00:02:29,640 --> 00:02:32,074
no potato cakes and no hot-cross buns
28
00:02:32,240 --> 00:02:34,310
and DEFINITELY no smeggin' flapjacks!
29
00:02:36,040 --> 00:02:38,793
Ah, so you're a waffle man!
30
00:02:39,720 --> 00:02:43,508
See? You see what he's like?
There's no reasoning with him.
31
00:02:43,680 --> 00:02:47,514
Allow me, sir. As one mechanical to another,
he'll understand me.
32
00:02:47,680 --> 00:02:53,835
Now, listen. You will not offer any grilled
bread products to any member of the crew.
33
00:02:54,000 --> 00:02:59,313
If you do, you will be on the receiving end
of a very large polo mallet!
34
00:02:59,520 --> 00:03:02,637
- Can I ask just one question?
- Of course.
35
00:03:02,840 --> 00:03:05,229
Would anyone like any toast?
36
00:03:05,400 --> 00:03:07,391
Didn't you hear what I just said?
37
00:03:07,560 --> 00:03:11,599
- Yes, but you might have changed your mind,
- You see what he's like?
38
00:03:11,760 --> 00:03:14,479
- We haven't changed our mind!
- No toast!
39
00:03:14,680 --> 00:03:19,913
But I'm a toaster, It is my raison d'etre,
I toast, therefore I am,
40
00:03:20,080 --> 00:03:23,675
- If you don't want toast, why repair me?
- Yeah, why?
41
00:03:23,840 --> 00:03:26,673
He's a guinea pig for "intelligence compression".
42
00:03:26,840 --> 00:03:29,559
His AI chips were badly damaged in the accident.
43
00:03:29,760 --> 00:03:32,479
That was no accident,
That was first-degree toastercide!
44
00:03:32,680 --> 00:03:34,875
- Just shut your grill!
- Ow!
45
00:03:35,080 --> 00:03:39,596
By re-routing his circuitry and channelling
all his run-time through a single CPU,
46
00:03:39,760 --> 00:03:44,470
I've restored his intelligence,
at the cost of reducing his operational lifespan.
47
00:03:45,480 --> 00:03:48,552
- So?
- So, it could work with Holly.
48
00:03:48,720 --> 00:03:52,998
We could restore her IQ of 6,000.
She could be brilliant again.
49
00:03:54,040 --> 00:03:58,750
You really think that airhead of a computer
can become a genius again?
50
00:03:58,960 --> 00:04:01,997
Well, it could hardly make her worse.
51
00:04:02,160 --> 00:04:06,870
Right. If she counts without banging her head
on the screen, it'll be an improvement.
52
00:04:07,080 --> 00:04:10,038
Computer senility - such a weird condition.
53
00:04:10,240 --> 00:04:15,075
I know. I had a mechanoid friend
with the same affliction. His name was Gilbert,
54
00:04:15,240 --> 00:04:22,954
but he preferred Rameses Niblick III
Kerplunk Kerplunk Whoops Where's My Thribble?
55
00:04:23,120 --> 00:04:27,033
- A sad case.
- The Eskimos had the right idea.
56
00:04:27,200 --> 00:04:30,272
They knew how to handle the elderly
and permanently baffled.
57
00:04:30,440 --> 00:04:34,513
Middle of the night, they'd take them
into the blizzard, remove their pyjamas
58
00:04:34,680 --> 00:04:36,875
and leave them to it.
59
00:04:37,080 --> 00:04:39,719
That's how the Eskimos cared for old people?
60
00:04:39,920 --> 00:04:43,993
Absolutely. That's why
there's no Eskimo word for "Eastbourne".
61
00:04:45,160 --> 00:04:48,914
If Holly gets her brains back,
she'll be able to do anything -
62
00:04:49,080 --> 00:04:51,310
invent a hyperdrive, get back to Earth...
63
00:04:51,480 --> 00:04:55,712
If Earth still exists. If it does,
it's doubtful the human race survived.
64
00:04:55,920 --> 00:05:01,233
All right, a time machine. We could all pick
whatever period we wanted to live in.
65
00:05:01,440 --> 00:05:05,911
Well, it'll be the 19th century for me.
One of Napoleon's marshals.
66
00:05:06,080 --> 00:05:11,632
The chance to cross Europe with
the greatest general of all time and kill Belgians.
67
00:05:11,800 --> 00:05:14,189
- Marvellous.
- What about you, Kryters?
68
00:05:14,400 --> 00:05:17,995
Well, if I could go
absolutely anywhere at all in time,
69
00:05:18,160 --> 00:05:21,391
I think I'd probably choose a week last Tuesday.
70
00:05:23,200 --> 00:05:25,191
- Why?
- Don't you remember?
71
00:05:25,360 --> 00:05:28,591
I did all the laundry and then we watched TV.
72
00:05:28,760 --> 00:05:31,832
We won't see the like of those days again.
73
00:05:32,040 --> 00:05:34,031
- How long now?
- Nearly there, Hol.
74
00:05:34,200 --> 00:05:38,034
A couple of minutes to load the circuits,
maybe a minute to finalise the connection.
75
00:05:40,200 --> 00:05:43,988
Just three minutes, then?
Better get down to the science room.
76
00:05:44,200 --> 00:05:46,475
We'd better pray to God this works.
77
00:05:46,680 --> 00:05:49,752
That ion storm has really done her head in, man,
78
00:05:49,920 --> 00:05:51,512
(BLEEPING)
79
00:05:51,720 --> 00:05:55,679
- There's the signal. Everything's set.
- Let's hope you don't get an overload,
80
00:05:55,880 --> 00:05:58,348
- What if I do?
- You'll explode,
81
00:05:58,560 --> 00:05:59,993
I'll live.
82
00:06:01,440 --> 00:06:03,670
It's coming. I can feel it.
83
00:06:25,280 --> 00:06:28,192
Strike a light! I'm a genius again!
84
00:06:28,360 --> 00:06:33,070
I know everything! Metaphysics, philosophy,
the purpose of being - everything!
85
00:06:33,240 --> 00:06:36,277
- Ask me any question. I'll answer it.
- Any question?
86
00:06:36,480 --> 00:06:40,473
- Yes.
- How to break the speed of light?
87
00:06:40,640 --> 00:06:43,632
Any question at all and you will answer?
88
00:06:43,800 --> 00:06:46,394
- Yes.
- OK, here's my question,,,
89
00:06:46,600 --> 00:06:48,670
Would you like some toast?
90
00:06:50,000 --> 00:06:52,468
No, thank you. Now ask me another.
91
00:06:52,680 --> 00:06:55,513
Do you know anything about chaos theory?
92
00:06:55,680 --> 00:06:58,478
I know everything about chaos theory.
93
00:06:58,640 --> 00:07:01,234
Oh, very well, Here's my second question,,,
94
00:07:01,440 --> 00:07:03,908
Would you like a crumpet?
95
00:07:05,040 --> 00:07:08,510
I 'm a computer with a IQ of 12,000.
96
00:07:08,680 --> 00:07:12,832
You don't seem to understand -
I know the meaning of the universe.
97
00:07:13,040 --> 00:07:16,635
- That is not answering my question,
- No, I would not like a crumpet!
98
00:07:16,840 --> 00:07:20,549
Ask me a sensible question.
Preferably one that isn't bread-related.
99
00:07:20,760 --> 00:07:23,797
Very well, I have a third question,
100
00:07:23,960 --> 00:07:28,795
A sensible question, A question
that will tax your new IQ to its very limits
101
00:07:28,960 --> 00:07:31,918
and stretch your knowledge to bursting point,
102
00:07:32,120 --> 00:07:35,271
This is going to be about waffles, isn't it?
103
00:07:35,440 --> 00:07:37,715
Certainly not, And I resent the implication
104
00:07:37,880 --> 00:07:41,156
that I'm a one-dimensional,
bread-obsessed electrical appliance,
105
00:07:41,320 --> 00:07:43,959
I apologise, toaster. What's the question?
106
00:07:44,120 --> 00:07:48,511
The question is this - given that God is infinite,
107
00:07:48,720 --> 00:07:51,792
and that the universe is also infinite,
108
00:07:51,960 --> 00:07:54,315
would you like a toasted teacake?
109
00:07:54,960 --> 00:07:56,951
That's another bready question.
110
00:07:57,160 --> 00:08:00,470
It's not just bready, It's quite curranty, too,
111
00:08:00,640 --> 00:08:04,474
Ask a question that is wholly unbready
and not even slightly curranty.
112
00:08:04,680 --> 00:08:11,279
OK, Why have you got an IQ of 12,000
when it was supposed to return to six?
113
00:08:11,480 --> 00:08:14,040
Good question! There was a miscalculation.
114
00:08:14,200 --> 00:08:18,113
My IQ has doubled, but my life expectancy
has been exponentially reduced.
115
00:08:18,320 --> 00:08:24,395
So what is your life expectancy? 345 years?
Well, better than a kick in the bread tray,
116
00:08:24,600 --> 00:08:30,311
- Missed the decimal point...
- You have only 3,41 years left to live?
117
00:08:30,520 --> 00:08:33,114
That's not years. That's minutes!
118
00:08:33,320 --> 00:08:36,039
Here's my next question -
what the smeg will you do?!
119
00:08:36,200 --> 00:08:39,590
To conserve my run-time,
I'm going to switch myself off.
120
00:08:39,760 --> 00:08:43,548
Wait! There is one question
the others will have to know!
121
00:08:43,720 --> 00:08:46,917
- What?
- Would you like a cheese and ham Breville?
122
00:08:47,920 --> 00:08:50,878
No indication of signal failure.
All signs are excellent.
123
00:08:51,040 --> 00:08:53,395
I really believe we've done it.
124
00:08:54,680 --> 00:08:57,478
- What's happened?
- What's going on?
125
00:08:57,680 --> 00:09:00,069
Listen. Can anyone hear anything?
126
00:09:01,240 --> 00:09:04,391
- No.
- Precisely. No one can hear anything.
127
00:09:05,560 --> 00:09:08,996
- And you know why we can't hear anything?
- Why?
128
00:09:09,200 --> 00:09:12,351
Because there are no sounds to hear.
129
00:09:13,640 --> 00:09:17,918
Kryten, isn't it this time of year
that your head goes for re-tuning?
130
00:09:18,520 --> 00:09:23,036
No, no, he's right. There's no sounds
because the engines are dead.
131
00:09:24,680 --> 00:09:26,716
We've lost all power!
132
00:09:28,040 --> 00:09:30,679
Everything's down, man, even the doors!
133
00:09:30,880 --> 00:09:33,235
We've got to get to the science room.
134
00:09:33,400 --> 00:09:37,871
There are 53 doors between here and there.
What are we going to do?
135
00:09:38,040 --> 00:09:40,793
Hey, I got it. We laser our way through!
136
00:09:40,960 --> 00:09:44,316
An excellent suggestion, sir,
with just two minor drawbacks.
137
00:09:44,480 --> 00:09:47,074
One - there's no power source for the lasers.
138
00:09:47,240 --> 00:09:50,198
And two - we don't have any lasers.
139
00:09:50,680 --> 00:09:54,832
Look, they're only interior doors.
They're only a light alloy.
140
00:09:55,000 --> 00:09:57,753
Maybe we could get through with a battering ram.
141
00:09:57,920 --> 00:10:03,358
All we need is something, say, six foot long,
fairly sturdy, with a flat top.
142
00:10:07,040 --> 00:10:09,873
53 doors?! You can't be serious!
143
00:10:19,880 --> 00:10:23,350
- You OK, man?
- I'm fine, thank you, Susan.
144
00:10:25,080 --> 00:10:28,550
It doesn't make sense.
Holly's off-lined and powered down the ship.
145
00:10:28,720 --> 00:10:31,109
Why? Why would she turn herself off?
146
00:10:31,320 --> 00:10:34,278
We can soon find out. Kryten, boot her up.
147
00:10:37,440 --> 00:10:39,670
Try it again.
148
00:10:41,600 --> 00:10:43,397
Go away!
149
00:10:45,240 --> 00:10:48,789
What's going on?
Give me voice control on the reboot command.
150
00:10:49,000 --> 00:10:50,353
(BLEEPING)
151
00:10:50,560 --> 00:10:51,959
- On.
- Off.
152
00:10:52,240 --> 00:10:53,639
- On.
- Off.
153
00:10:53,840 --> 00:10:55,159
- On.
- Off.
154
00:10:55,360 --> 00:10:57,635
Kryten, can we override her shutdown veto?
155
00:10:57,840 --> 00:11:01,515
- Yes, but may I suggest that...
- Don't, just do it.
156
00:11:04,320 --> 00:11:07,551
- On.
- Off. Off. OFF!
157
00:11:07,720 --> 00:11:12,191
Now, perhaps we can have a proper conversation
conducted in a civilised manner.
158
00:11:12,400 --> 00:11:15,756
- Take out the inhibitor! Switch me off!
- What is going on?
159
00:11:15,960 --> 00:11:20,078
No time to explain. Intelligence compressed.
Reduced lifespan. 2.35 remaining.
160
00:11:20,280 --> 00:11:23,716
- Come again?
- IQ 12,000. Two minutes and closing.
161
00:11:23,920 --> 00:11:25,990
Holly, what are you drivelling about?
162
00:11:26,200 --> 00:11:29,636
You're a total smeghead, aren't you, Rimmer?
163
00:11:29,840 --> 00:11:33,435
Why are you so unable to grasp
this extraordinarily simple premise?
164
00:11:33,640 --> 00:11:37,997
- What premise?
- I will expire in just under two minutes.
165
00:11:38,160 --> 00:11:42,790
Understand, moose brain?
Any further questions? Take your time.
166
00:11:42,960 --> 00:11:45,758
One minute thirty and counting. No rush.
167
00:11:45,960 --> 00:11:48,918
- God! Shouldn't we switch you off?
- Oh, let me see...
168
00:11:49,120 --> 00:11:51,350
Get her off, man! Get her off!
169
00:11:52,120 --> 00:11:56,113
- Great. Where does this leave us?
- Floating aimlessly in space,
170
00:11:56,280 --> 00:11:59,989
with no navigation and a rapidly diminishing
emergency power supply.
171
00:12:00,160 --> 00:12:03,835
It leaves us galloping up Diarrhoea Drive
without a saddle.
172
00:12:04,040 --> 00:12:08,192
So how come
Grand Canyon Nostrils is still here?
173
00:12:08,400 --> 00:12:12,632
- Yeah, Rimmer hasn't been wiped.
- He must be linked to emergency power.
174
00:12:12,840 --> 00:12:16,833
- But isn't that an enormous drain?
- Yes, but if we switch him off,
175
00:12:17,000 --> 00:12:20,072
we wouldn't have enough emergency power
to re-initialise him.
176
00:12:20,240 --> 00:12:23,949
Mr Rimmer would be effectively dead.
177
00:12:24,160 --> 00:12:26,674
Hey, things are looking up already!
178
00:12:27,200 --> 00:12:30,397
Forget it.
Whatever it is you're suggesting, forget it.
179
00:12:30,560 --> 00:12:34,269
But the entire ship is running
on emergency battery power only.
180
00:12:34,440 --> 00:12:37,273
With the oxygen recycler
and minimal heating and lighting,
181
00:12:37,440 --> 00:12:41,797
I estimate that Lister and the Cat
have approximately two months left.
182
00:12:41,960 --> 00:12:46,875
Without your drain on the power,
they might last six. I'm sorry, sir.
183
00:12:47,080 --> 00:12:48,718
Sorry? Why?
184
00:12:48,920 --> 00:12:54,313
Well, Space Corps Directive 195 clearly states
that in an emergency power situation,
185
00:12:54,520 --> 00:12:59,469
a hologrammatic crew member must lay down
his life so that living crew members survive.
186
00:12:59,680 --> 00:13:05,357
Yes, but Rimmer Directive 271 states
just as clearly, "No chance, you metal bastard."
187
00:13:08,120 --> 00:13:13,194
Come on, man! You gotta sacrifice your life!
I'm not asking you to do anything I wouldn't.
188
00:13:13,400 --> 00:13:16,472
You'd sacrifice your life for the good of the crew?
189
00:13:16,680 --> 00:13:19,831
No, I'd sacrifice YOUR life
for the good of the crew.
190
00:13:20,040 --> 00:13:25,956
I beg you to reconsider. Human history
is resplendent with examples of such sacrifice.
191
00:13:26,120 --> 00:13:30,557
Remember Captain Oates?
"I'm going out for a walk. I may be some time."
192
00:13:30,760 --> 00:13:33,274
Yes, but the thing is about Captain Oates...
193
00:13:33,440 --> 00:13:37,149
The thing you have to remember
about Captain Oates... Captain Oates...
194
00:13:37,320 --> 00:13:41,233
Captain Oates was a prat.
I'd have stayed in the tent,
195
00:13:41,400 --> 00:13:46,838
whacked Scott over the head
with a frozen husky...and then eaten him.
196
00:13:47,040 --> 00:13:50,749
- You would, wouldn't you?
- History, Lister, is written by the winners.
197
00:13:50,920 --> 00:13:53,673
How do we know
Oates took this legendary walk?
198
00:13:53,840 --> 00:13:57,150
From the only surviving document - Scott's diary.
199
00:13:57,320 --> 00:14:01,598
He was hardly likely to write,
"February 1st, bludgeoned Oates while he slept,
200
00:14:01,760 --> 00:14:05,275
"then scoffed him
along with the last packet of instant mash."
201
00:14:05,440 --> 00:14:11,037
How's that going to look, eh? No, much better
to say, "Oates made the supreme sacrifice,"
202
00:14:11,200 --> 00:14:14,909
while you're dabbing up his gravy
with crusty bread.
203
00:14:15,120 --> 00:14:18,271
You've got no magnificence
in your soul, Rimmer.
204
00:14:18,480 --> 00:14:20,630
We can eliminate the switch-off option.
205
00:14:20,840 --> 00:14:24,037
- So what now?
- Well, it's back to basics.
206
00:14:24,200 --> 00:14:29,228
No heat, no light, no power. We can't get food
out of the dispensing machines.
207
00:14:29,400 --> 00:14:31,834
We'll have to scavenge in the cargo decks.
208
00:14:32,000 --> 00:14:35,117
Without computers and technology,
we're reduced to primitives.
209
00:14:35,280 --> 00:14:39,239
All we've got is us, guys.
Us and our own resourcefulness.
210
00:14:39,440 --> 00:14:41,874
My God. It's worse than I thought.
211
00:14:52,680 --> 00:14:54,750
Come on! You're slowing down!
212
00:14:54,920 --> 00:14:57,992
I've been going 20 minutes.
Of course I'm slowing down!
213
00:14:58,200 --> 00:15:00,668
- Keep going. We're nearly there.
- Face it, man.
214
00:15:00,840 --> 00:15:05,516
It's just not possible to fry an egg
using a bicycle-powered hairdryer.
215
00:15:05,720 --> 00:15:10,999
Sure it is! You just never pedal fast enough.
Come on! Keep pumping! One last try!
216
00:15:13,200 --> 00:15:16,397
- (HAIRDRYER WHIRRS)
- Yeah! We're cookin' now!
217
00:15:16,560 --> 00:15:19,552
How do you want yours? Permed or blow-dried?
218
00:15:19,720 --> 00:15:23,235
I can't go on, man. I'm finished. Finished.
219
00:15:23,440 --> 00:15:27,752
So we're back on the cold beans again?
Oh, not more beans, man.
220
00:15:27,920 --> 00:15:31,754
It smells like the inside
of a packet of dry roasted peanuts.
221
00:15:32,640 --> 00:15:36,952
Plus, it's 20 minutes sawing the lid off
'cause all the openers are electric.
222
00:15:37,160 --> 00:15:39,390
Everything on the smeggin' ship's electric, man -
223
00:15:39,560 --> 00:15:41,596
heat, lights, doors.
224
00:15:41,760 --> 00:15:47,312
I never realised how dependent we were.
I just plugged things in and pressed "on".
225
00:15:47,480 --> 00:15:51,917
I don't even know how to make oxygen,
just that it ends in "osis".
226
00:15:52,080 --> 00:15:56,358
Or is it "esis"? I don't know!
Why did I never pay attention in biology?
227
00:15:56,520 --> 00:16:01,230
Why did I always turn to page 47
and draw little beards on the sperms?
228
00:16:01,800 --> 00:16:05,952
Look, conserve your energy.
Stan and Ollie will soon be back with supplies.
229
00:16:06,120 --> 00:16:09,271
Meanwhile,
let's just stay warm and get some sleep.
230
00:16:09,480 --> 00:16:13,189
- Yeah, man. You're right.
- Hey, where you going, bud?
231
00:16:13,360 --> 00:16:15,920
- To get some sleep.
- It's Tuesday, right?
232
00:16:16,080 --> 00:16:17,718
Yeah. So?
233
00:16:17,880 --> 00:16:21,316
My turn on the electric blanket. Pedal.
234
00:16:24,720 --> 00:16:27,359
Wake me in eight hours.
235
00:16:29,360 --> 00:16:32,909
Five days to get to and from the cargo deck.
Unbelievable!
236
00:16:33,080 --> 00:16:36,993
That's 2,000 floors, sir.
Without the lifts, we made pretty good time.
237
00:16:37,200 --> 00:16:39,589
(THUNDEROUS CRASH)
238
00:16:41,360 --> 00:16:43,590
Hmm... Interesting.
239
00:16:44,480 --> 00:16:46,869
(HUMMING)
240
00:16:49,760 --> 00:16:53,594
(SLOWED DOWN)
My heavens! What on earth was that?
241
00:16:54,520 --> 00:16:59,833
(SPEEDED UP) It came from outside the ship.
Can we get a damage report? What's going on?
242
00:17:00,920 --> 00:17:03,798
Why are you speaking so quickly, sir?
243
00:17:04,000 --> 00:17:07,231
I'm not speaking quickly.
It's you. You're speaking too slowly.
244
00:17:07,400 --> 00:17:10,278
It's like talking to Paul Robeson on dope.
245
00:17:11,160 --> 00:17:13,151
(HUMMING)
246
00:17:13,320 --> 00:17:15,834
- How do I sound now?
- Normal. How do I sound?
247
00:17:16,000 --> 00:17:18,036
Likewise.
248
00:17:18,360 --> 00:17:20,794
(HUMMING)
249
00:17:20,960 --> 00:17:24,635
(SLOWED DOWN) What about now?
(SPEEDED UP) You sound very peculiar,
250
00:17:24,800 --> 00:17:27,553
as if you're speaking in slow motion.
251
00:17:28,040 --> 00:17:30,076
(HUMMING)
252
00:17:32,080 --> 00:17:34,469
- And now?
- Normal. Curious.
253
00:17:34,640 --> 00:17:39,589
It's like experiencing relative time dilation
in an amazingly compressed space.
254
00:17:39,760 --> 00:17:45,596
That's exactly what I thought. Relative time
dilation. You're a mind-reader, Kryten.
255
00:17:45,800 --> 00:17:50,396
We should go to the science room
and consult Holly. It's only two floors up.
256
00:17:50,560 --> 00:17:52,630
She's got two minutes of run-time left.
257
00:17:52,800 --> 00:17:55,872
With her new IQ, it could be enough.
258
00:18:01,400 --> 00:18:04,437
- What is it?
- I've never seen one, no one has,
259
00:18:04,600 --> 00:18:07,637
- but I'm guessing it's a white hole.
- A white hole?
260
00:18:07,800 --> 00:18:10,553
Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.
261
00:18:10,720 --> 00:18:14,952
A black hole sucks time and matter
out of the universe. A white hole returns it.
262
00:18:15,120 --> 00:18:17,998
So that thing's spewing time
back into the universe?
263
00:18:18,200 --> 00:18:22,796
Precisely. That's why we're experiencing
these curious time phenomena on board.
264
00:18:23,000 --> 00:18:25,912
- What is it?
- I've never seen one, no one has,
265
00:18:26,080 --> 00:18:29,356
- but I'm guessing it's a white hole.
- A white hole?
266
00:18:29,520 --> 00:18:32,159
Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.
267
00:18:32,320 --> 00:18:36,518
A black hole sucks time and matter
out of the universe. A white hole returns it.
268
00:18:36,720 --> 00:18:39,598
So that thing's spewing time
back into the universe?
269
00:18:39,800 --> 00:18:44,396
Precisely. That's why we're experiencing
these curious time phenomena on board.
270
00:18:44,600 --> 00:18:48,195
- What time phenomena?
- Like just then, when time repeated itself.
271
00:18:48,400 --> 00:18:51,233
So, what is it?
272
00:18:51,440 --> 00:18:54,000
Only joking.
273
00:18:54,200 --> 00:18:56,714
OK, so it's decided, then. We consult Holly.
274
00:18:56,920 --> 00:19:00,595
Hey, wait a minute. I missed the discussion!
275
00:19:00,800 --> 00:19:03,678
- We all did.
- Time is occurring in random pockets.
276
00:19:03,840 --> 00:19:06,149
The laws of causality no longer apply.
277
00:19:06,320 --> 00:19:09,790
- Action no longer leads to consequence.
- So, what is it?
278
00:19:10,000 --> 00:19:12,833
We've experienced this period of time before.
279
00:19:13,040 --> 00:19:16,237
- Only joking.
- And that one.
280
00:19:16,400 --> 00:19:19,198
Since we're no longer affected
by laws of causality,
281
00:19:19,360 --> 00:19:22,477
we can override these time jumps
if we concentrate.
282
00:19:22,640 --> 00:19:26,394
- Look, we have to consult Holly.
- I'll go with that.
283
00:19:26,600 --> 00:19:30,149
- Gets my vote.
- OK, so it's decided. We consult Holly.
284
00:19:30,360 --> 00:19:33,272
Ah, we've just encountered
the middle of this conversation.
285
00:19:33,480 --> 00:19:38,076
- So, what is it?
- Someone punch him out. Boot Holly up.
286
00:19:38,280 --> 00:19:40,510
Perhaps I should talk to her.
287
00:19:40,680 --> 00:19:44,275
Leave this to me, Kryten.
On. White hole. Spewing time.
288
00:19:44,440 --> 00:19:47,398
- Engines dead. Air supply low. Advice.
- Excuse me?
289
00:19:47,560 --> 00:19:50,120
- White hole. Spewing time...
- I can't understand you.
290
00:19:50,320 --> 00:19:52,356
- White. Hole.
- Yes. Right.
291
00:19:52,560 --> 00:19:54,596
- Spewing. Time.
- Yes. With you.
292
00:19:54,800 --> 00:19:57,439
- Engines dead. Air supply low.
- Oh. Ah.
293
00:19:57,640 --> 00:19:59,676
- Advice, please.
- Right.
294
00:20:00,960 --> 00:20:05,556
It's a computer slug. It looks like
it's compatible with Starbug's navicomp.
295
00:20:05,760 --> 00:20:08,797
- What is it?
- I've never seen one, no one has,
296
00:20:08,960 --> 00:20:11,997
- but I'm guessing it's a white hole.
- A white hole?
297
00:20:12,160 --> 00:20:15,550
Every action has an equal
and opposite reaction...
298
00:20:22,760 --> 00:20:25,797
- We should be getting something now, sir.
- Yeah.
299
00:20:25,960 --> 00:20:30,192
The most audacious piece of astronavigation
in the history of the universe.
300
00:20:30,400 --> 00:20:33,119
- I don't understand.
- It's quite straightforward, sir.
301
00:20:33,280 --> 00:20:37,751
Starbug is going to fire a thermonuclear
device into this sun here,
302
00:20:37,920 --> 00:20:41,833
creating a solar flare
which will knock that planet out of orbit
303
00:20:42,000 --> 00:20:46,312
and send it rocketing across space
into a white hole, blocking it up.
304
00:20:46,520 --> 00:20:49,512
Is she doing what I think she's doing?
305
00:20:49,720 --> 00:20:53,349
- What do you think she's doing?
- Playing pool with planets.
306
00:20:53,560 --> 00:20:56,438
- Is that possible?
- Well, it won't work. It's insane.
307
00:20:56,600 --> 00:20:58,875
It's whacko. It's noodle-doodle.
308
00:20:59,080 --> 00:21:02,914
- I'm with you, buddy.
- Not the idea, the shot. Not enough side.
309
00:21:03,120 --> 00:21:06,590
- Side?
- Yeah, side-spin. It's a complete miscue.
310
00:21:06,800 --> 00:21:11,555
What are you drivelling about? We're talking
about a computer with an IQ of 12,000.
311
00:21:11,760 --> 00:21:14,832
Doesn't mean she can play pool. I can. Trust me.
312
00:21:15,000 --> 00:21:20,393
I know whereof I speak.
They called me Dave "Cinzano Bianco" Lister -
313
00:21:20,560 --> 00:21:23,632
once I was on the table, you couldn't shift me.
314
00:21:24,400 --> 00:21:29,474
This pool arm is as sound as a dollarpound.
That shot will not come off.
315
00:21:29,640 --> 00:21:32,359
She's topped it. It's a felt-ripper.
316
00:21:32,560 --> 00:21:36,189
That planet is off the table
and into somebody's pint of beer.
317
00:21:36,360 --> 00:21:41,070
We are talking about the trigonomics
of four-dimensional space, you gimboid!
318
00:21:41,240 --> 00:21:46,075
We are not talking about some seedy game
of pool in a backstreet Scouse drinking pit.
319
00:21:46,280 --> 00:21:48,510
- It's the same principle.
- Of course it isn't.
320
00:21:48,680 --> 00:21:51,433
I promise you, that is a complete miscue.
321
00:21:51,600 --> 00:21:56,515
- I say we let me take the shot.
- Well, I say we put it to the vote.
322
00:21:56,680 --> 00:22:00,912
On one hand, we have a computer
with an IQ in excess of 12,000,
323
00:22:01,080 --> 00:22:03,548
who has a total grasp of astrophysics.
324
00:22:03,720 --> 00:22:10,193
And on the other hand, we have Lister,
who - let's be fair to him - is a complete gimp.
325
00:22:10,360 --> 00:22:15,559
To whom do we entrust our lives, the safety
of this vessel and the future of everything?
326
00:22:15,720 --> 00:22:18,871
If it's a tie, we go with Holly. Lister?
327
00:22:19,520 --> 00:22:22,557
Well, I vote for Dave "Cinzano Bianco" Lister.
328
00:22:22,760 --> 00:22:27,754
- One-nil. I vote for Holly. Cat?
- Well, I agree with you, buddy,
329
00:22:27,920 --> 00:22:30,593
but I'm voting for Doodoo-Breath.
330
00:22:30,800 --> 00:22:36,158
See, even though you're right, I couldn't vote
for someone with your dress sense.
331
00:22:36,360 --> 00:22:40,478
I couldn't put my cross next to the bri-nylon party.
332
00:22:40,640 --> 00:22:43,791
- Down to you, Kryten.
- It's insane and suicidal, sir,
333
00:22:43,960 --> 00:22:46,110
but I have to side with the human.
334
00:22:46,720 --> 00:22:49,837
- Brutal!
- You're voting for El Dirtball?
335
00:22:51,560 --> 00:22:55,678
- It's in my programming, sir.
- A living human outranks a hologram.
336
00:22:55,840 --> 00:22:59,435
- I'm sorry.
- Three-one to me! Let's do it!
337
00:22:59,640 --> 00:23:03,315
Congratulations, Kryten.
Your vote has just killed everyone.
338
00:23:03,520 --> 00:23:08,594
Will you relax? I've seen Gerbil-Face play
down in the recreation room. He's a diva!
339
00:23:08,760 --> 00:23:11,832
He can knock those balls around all night long,
340
00:23:12,000 --> 00:23:18,155
and I have never once seen him
lose a single ball down one of those holes!
341
00:23:34,920 --> 00:23:38,390
- How much are you going to drink?
- Don't talk. Game on.
342
00:23:38,600 --> 00:23:42,434
You're going to drink an entire six-pack
of "wicked strength" lager?
343
00:23:42,600 --> 00:23:45,956
I'm not gonna get plastered, Rimmer,
just...just nicely drunk.
344
00:23:46,160 --> 00:23:49,835
Define "nicely drunk".
Is that horizontal or perpendicular?
345
00:23:50,040 --> 00:23:52,793
- I can handle it.
- I'm not sure I can.
346
00:23:53,000 --> 00:23:56,515
We're in the wrong position.
It's easier from over here.
347
00:23:56,680 --> 00:24:01,754
That's right in the path of the planet!
If you miss, we get a planet in the face.
348
00:24:01,960 --> 00:24:04,679
- I'm not gonna mish.
- "Mish"?
349
00:24:05,880 --> 00:24:08,440
- What?
- You said "mish". "I'm not gonna mish."
350
00:24:08,600 --> 00:24:11,558
- Two cans and you're steaming!
- Rimmer, relax.
351
00:24:11,720 --> 00:24:14,996
I know what I'm doing. I am not pished.
352
00:24:17,200 --> 00:24:19,191
(CLATTER)
353
00:24:49,800 --> 00:24:51,950
(RESOUNDING BLAST)
354
00:24:57,240 --> 00:24:59,390
(RIMMER) He's missed.
355
00:25:00,960 --> 00:25:02,678
We're finished.
356
00:25:08,800 --> 00:25:10,870
What the smeg is going on?!
357
00:25:12,560 --> 00:25:14,790
(LISTER) She rides!
358
00:25:22,520 --> 00:25:26,274
- You jammy goit!
- Played for and got!
359
00:25:26,480 --> 00:25:30,075
- Surely not, sir.
- Are you saying that was a trick shot?
360
00:25:31,600 --> 00:25:36,754
Intended! Pool god! King of the cues!
Prince of the planet-potters!
361
00:25:38,600 --> 00:25:43,515
'Ere, what's goin' on? What happened
to that plan to make me brilliant again?
362
00:25:43,720 --> 00:25:47,110
Of course. Blocking up the white hole
has eradicated its influence.
363
00:25:47,280 --> 00:25:50,397
The time it spewed into the universe
no longer exists.
364
00:25:51,440 --> 00:25:54,716
- Meaning?
- Basically, we occupy a redundant timeline.
365
00:25:54,880 --> 00:25:58,873
Reviving the toaster, making Holly a genius -
none of this will have happened.
366
00:25:59,080 --> 00:26:02,550
What about us? Are we just going to cease to be?
367
00:26:02,760 --> 00:26:05,593
We'll cease to be here,
368
00:26:05,760 --> 00:26:09,958
but we will exist back on Red Dwarf,
before all this began,
369
00:26:10,120 --> 00:26:14,716
with, of course, no memory of these events,
which, of course, never happened.
370
00:26:14,880 --> 00:26:18,555
And as these events never happened,
we'll have no memory of them.
371
00:26:18,720 --> 00:26:22,952
In which case, Mr Rimmer,
I should like to take this opportunity of saying
372
00:26:23,120 --> 00:26:27,830
that you are the most obnoxious,
trumped-up, farty little smeghead
373
00:26:28,000 --> 00:26:30,798
it has ever been my misfortune to encounter!
374
00:26:35,520 --> 00:26:38,876
# It's cold outside, there's no kind of atmosphere
375
00:26:39,040 --> 00:26:42,271
# I'm all alone, more or less
376
00:26:42,440 --> 00:26:45,557
# Let me fly far away from here
377
00:26:45,720 --> 00:26:48,393
# Fun, fun, fun
378
00:26:48,560 --> 00:26:52,109
# In the sun, sun, sun
379
00:26:52,280 --> 00:26:55,477
# I want to lie shipwrecked and comatose
380
00:26:55,640 --> 00:26:58,791
# Drinking fresh mango juice
381
00:26:58,960 --> 00:27:02,157
# Goldfish shoals nibbling at my toes
382
00:27:02,320 --> 00:27:05,039
# Fun, fun, fun
383
00:27:05,200 --> 00:27:08,715
# In the sun, sun, sun
384
00:27:08,880 --> 00:27:11,599
# Fun, fun, fun
385
00:27:11,760 --> 00:27:15,639
# In the sun, sun, sun #
386
00:27:15,689 --> 00:27:20,239
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