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1
00:00:02,280 --> 00:00:05,078
(''RED DWARF'' THEME)
2
00:00:44,760 --> 00:00:47,433
(BLEEPING AND CLICKING)
3
00:00:47,640 --> 00:00:51,110
(INDISTINCT EXCITED CHATTER)
4
00:00:51,520 --> 00:00:54,193
(INDISTINCT)
5
00:00:54,400 --> 00:00:56,789
Stand by. She's coming round.
6
00:00:57,960 --> 00:01:00,633
There's something out there, man.
We're clamping on.
7
00:01:00,800 --> 00:01:03,075
(ALL CHATTER)
8
00:01:03,280 --> 00:01:06,590
- Visual down! Radar down!
- We've lost the entire desk!
9
00:01:06,800 --> 00:01:08,916
(WHIRRING)
10
00:01:14,400 --> 00:01:17,870
- What are you all staring for?
- You've just unplugged the console.
11
00:01:18,080 --> 00:01:20,719
Right. I'm blow-drying my hair.
12
00:01:20,880 --> 00:01:24,350
- We're tracking a UFO.
- Oh, you're tracking a UFO,
13
00:01:24,520 --> 00:01:27,432
so I have to look like the Bride of Frankenstein?
14
00:01:27,640 --> 00:01:30,996
- Use another socket.
- This is beyond belief.
15
00:01:31,160 --> 00:01:34,994
A spaceship five miles long
without enough plug sockets!
16
00:01:35,200 --> 00:01:37,236
There's plenty of plug sockets, Cat.
17
00:01:37,400 --> 00:01:40,949
They're all taken up with your beauty aids.
Use a wall socket.
18
00:01:41,160 --> 00:01:45,438
What?! Unplug my hot wax strip
unsightly hair remover?!
19
00:01:45,640 --> 00:01:49,952
Yes. Unplug your hot wax strip
unsightly hair remover.
20
00:01:50,160 --> 00:01:52,151
I don't believe this.
21
00:01:52,320 --> 00:01:56,757
We finally encounter an alien species,
and I meet them with a wavery bikini line!
22
00:01:57,880 --> 00:02:01,270
It's back, bearing zero-niner-zero.
Adjust 1% portside.
23
00:02:01,440 --> 00:02:03,954
1% portside. C locked on...
24
00:02:08,760 --> 00:02:12,753
All right. OK. I'll use gel. Everybody happy?
25
00:02:12,960 --> 00:02:15,315
Stabilise pitch. Reduce correctives...
26
00:02:19,320 --> 00:02:21,993
- (LISTER) What is it?
- I have no idea.
27
00:02:22,160 --> 00:02:25,675
The craft does not appear
to be of Earth construction.
28
00:02:25,840 --> 00:02:28,593
Aliens. They're probably
going to return Glenn Miller.
29
00:02:28,800 --> 00:02:30,995
- What?
- That's what they do.
30
00:02:31,160 --> 00:02:33,549
People who inexplicably vanish, they return them.
31
00:02:33,720 --> 00:02:39,636
Ah, smeg! That's all we need. Glenn Miller
boring us with ''Pennsylvania 6-5000''.
32
00:02:39,800 --> 00:02:42,234
Kryten, open communication channels.
33
00:02:43,440 --> 00:02:46,352
(RIMMER) We don't want himI Go awayI
34
00:02:46,520 --> 00:02:49,671
You took him. You can keep the smeggerI
35
00:02:52,920 --> 00:02:58,392
How deliciously bizarre. The hall's molecular
structure conforms to no known element.
36
00:02:58,560 --> 00:03:03,714
Whoever or whatever made this thing
had access to a technology far ahead of our own.
37
00:03:03,920 --> 00:03:06,912
- OK, let's split up.
- Why? Why split up?
38
00:03:07,120 --> 00:03:09,350
- We'll can search quicker.
- What's the hurry?
39
00:03:09,560 --> 00:03:12,836
Have you got a major luncheon appointment?
40
00:03:13,040 --> 00:03:15,600
- What's your problem?
- I'm not going with him.
41
00:03:15,800 --> 00:03:18,997
- Me? What's wrong with me?
- You're totally egocentric,
42
00:03:19,160 --> 00:03:24,996
you flee at the first sign of trouble,
you're vain, selfish and self-obsessed.
43
00:03:25,200 --> 00:03:27,191
You just listed my best features.
44
00:03:28,400 --> 00:03:31,392
- I'm going with Kryten.
- Come on, Cat.
45
00:03:39,640 --> 00:03:44,589
Kryten, take point. I've seen those movies.
The guy in the lead always buys it first.
46
00:03:44,760 --> 00:03:50,153
Well, in my experience, the fellow
bringing up the rear gets picked off first,
47
00:03:50,320 --> 00:03:52,709
so the others aren't aware they're under attack.
48
00:03:52,880 --> 00:03:57,271
You're right. Can you take the front
and the back, so I'm in the middle?
49
00:03:57,440 --> 00:03:59,556
I'll do my best, sir.
50
00:04:13,040 --> 00:04:15,679
- Go, Kryten.
- We've found something, sir.
51
00:04:15,840 --> 00:04:18,400
- Yeah?
- I think it's one of the crew.
52
00:04:18,560 --> 00:04:23,270
A hideously malformed triple-headed skeletonwith putrefied flesh hanging from it.
53
00:04:23,440 --> 00:04:26,512
It fell through Rimmer as we opened the lift door.
54
00:04:26,680 --> 00:04:31,435
- Is he all right?
- He's discovered what shirt tails are for.
55
00:04:31,600 --> 00:04:36,469
(RIMMER) All right. Don't make me soundlike a complete cowardly git. I'm fine now.
56
00:04:36,640 --> 00:04:40,679
(KRYTEN) Shall I cancel the orderto find your mother?
57
00:04:40,840 --> 00:04:43,877
- (RIMMER) Is that thing still on?
- Hey, look at this.
58
00:04:44,080 --> 00:04:47,868
- Don't. We don't know what it does.
- I'm just looking.
59
00:04:48,040 --> 00:04:50,759
Cheers, man! Brilliant! I'm trapped!
60
00:04:50,920 --> 00:04:53,480
- Get me out of this thing.
- Be cool.
61
00:04:53,640 --> 00:04:56,234
I'm on the case. I remember the sequence.
62
00:04:56,400 --> 00:04:59,915
It was red-blue-yellow... No, blue-yellow-red.
63
00:05:00,120 --> 00:05:02,873
(GARBLED ELECTRONIC VOICE)
64
00:05:04,680 --> 00:05:07,148
What the smeg is that?!
65
00:05:07,600 --> 00:05:11,070
Curious, the skeletal form appears
to be basically humanoid in structure.
66
00:05:11,280 --> 00:05:13,555
He's got three heads.
67
00:05:14,400 --> 00:05:16,994
Wait. Here's some kind of wallet.
68
00:05:17,160 --> 00:05:21,153
The artefacts are human. A pilot's licence,
ID, even a video club card.
69
00:05:22,120 --> 00:05:26,591
This guy belonged to a video club
and needed a card so they'd recognise him?!
70
00:05:26,760 --> 00:05:30,150
He's got six eyes and three noses.
I'd remember him.
71
00:05:30,320 --> 00:05:34,598
''Aren't you the bloke who came in last week,
sneezed and caused a monsoon?''
72
00:05:34,760 --> 00:05:37,957
I think he started out as human
and something happened
73
00:05:38,120 --> 00:05:41,157
that mutated him in this unspeakable way.
74
00:05:41,560 --> 00:05:46,680
(COMPUTER) Language trace completed.Dialect English, colloquial, 23rd century.
75
00:05:46,880 --> 00:05:49,155
Do nothing. Press nothing. Just get Kryten!
76
00:05:49,360 --> 00:05:53,876
- Wait, I think I got it.
- Transmogrification sequence initiated.
77
00:05:55,200 --> 00:05:58,237
- Maybe not.
- Transmogrifi-what?!
78
00:05:58,440 --> 00:06:02,956
Gene sample accepted and cloned.Please key in new genetic structure.
79
00:06:03,160 --> 00:06:07,278
Do nothing. Press nothing. Get Kryten!
80
00:06:07,480 --> 00:06:13,430
Hey, you think I can't handle this? I have to
get Novelty-Condom-Head to bail you out?
81
00:06:13,600 --> 00:06:15,830
I got you into this, I'll get you out.
82
00:06:16,040 --> 00:06:19,794
- Get Kryten!
- Relax, would you? I know what I'm doing.
83
00:06:19,960 --> 00:06:22,679
New genetic structure accepted.
84
00:06:22,880 --> 00:06:26,475
Metamorphosis in ten seconds and counting.
85
00:06:28,680 --> 00:06:31,399
I got a good idea. Why don't I get Kryten?
86
00:06:31,600 --> 00:06:35,513
Look, forget Kryten.
Just press the pads, any pads! Stop this!
87
00:06:35,680 --> 00:06:37,830
Sequence complete.
88
00:06:43,600 --> 00:06:46,239
(CLUCKS)
89
00:06:47,280 --> 00:06:51,637
Are you OK? We detected
a massive power surge in this sector.
90
00:06:51,800 --> 00:06:53,950
Where's Lister?
91
00:06:55,240 --> 00:06:59,597
- That's Lister?!
- What can I say, except...whoops?
92
00:07:00,800 --> 00:07:04,270
- What is it?
- Best guess? Some kind of DNA modifier,
93
00:07:04,440 --> 00:07:07,273
designed to alter organic life at its molecular level.
94
00:07:07,440 --> 00:07:09,749
This explains our triple-headed friend.
95
00:07:09,920 --> 00:07:13,833
- So what does it do?
- Every cell in your body contains DNA,
96
00:07:14,000 --> 00:07:17,231
a series of genetic instructions for your body.
97
00:07:17,400 --> 00:07:22,713
It's like a computer program that chooses
the colour of your eyes, shape of your nose,
98
00:07:22,920 --> 00:07:26,435
designates sex, height, even your lifespan.
99
00:07:26,600 --> 00:07:29,239
This machine rewrites the DNA program.
100
00:07:29,760 --> 00:07:35,437
So this machine can transform any living thing
into any other living thing?
101
00:07:35,640 --> 00:07:38,598
- Precisely.
- And it turned Lister into a chicken.
102
00:07:38,800 --> 00:07:42,349
- So it seems.
- Question is, can we turn him back again?
103
00:07:42,920 --> 00:07:45,115
The question is, do we want to?
104
00:07:45,320 --> 00:07:48,676
Hypothetically, it shouldn't be too difficult
to recall his original form.
105
00:07:48,840 --> 00:07:51,354
We simply have to decode the keypad.
106
00:07:51,560 --> 00:07:54,279
Listy? (CLUCKS)
107
00:07:54,680 --> 00:07:59,117
It's incredible. It really is him.
Look, it's even got his little beer gut.
108
00:08:00,040 --> 00:08:03,237
Hmm, seems a fairly straightforward
hexadecimal layout.
109
00:08:03,400 --> 00:08:05,868
Logically, this should be the recall sequence.
110
00:08:08,640 --> 00:08:10,915
(KRYTEN) That's not it, is it?
111
00:08:11,520 --> 00:08:15,308
Let's start from the top.
What happened here, exactly?
112
00:08:15,520 --> 00:08:19,479
I was pressing the pads.
I definitely pressed the yellow one first.
113
00:08:19,640 --> 00:08:23,076
And then this thing came down.
I'm pressing buttons,
114
00:08:23,280 --> 00:08:26,590
- then this voice said...
- Transmogrification sequence engaged.
115
00:08:26,760 --> 00:08:30,514
Right! So I press some more buttons,
and then it says...
116
00:08:30,720 --> 00:08:34,349
- Please key in new genetic structure.
- That's it exactly!
117
00:08:34,560 --> 00:08:37,836
- Cat, stop!
- No need to engage your panic chip, sir.
118
00:08:38,000 --> 00:08:42,118
The machine only operates on organic life.
I am mineral and therefore immune.
119
00:08:42,320 --> 00:08:47,030
New genetic structure accepted.Metamorphosis in ten seconds and counting.
120
00:08:47,440 --> 00:08:51,353
Oh. Wait a minute. No. My brain is part organic,
121
00:08:51,520 --> 00:08:56,116
and therefore it is possible for the machine
to transmogrify my physical condition.
122
00:08:56,280 --> 00:08:59,511
Engage panic circuits... Panic circuits engaged.
123
00:08:59,680 --> 00:09:01,238
(WAILS)
124
00:09:02,120 --> 00:09:04,111
(BLEEPING)
125
00:09:06,920 --> 00:09:09,354
- (RIMMER) Are you OK?
- Yeah, I think so.
126
00:09:09,560 --> 00:09:13,678
- What was it like being a hamster?
- Better than being a chicken.
127
00:09:13,840 --> 00:09:17,469
You've seen the size of an egg?
You've seen a chicken's bum?
128
00:09:17,640 --> 00:09:22,839
That's what the clucking was about.
I was trying to say, ''Give me a epidural!''
129
00:09:25,360 --> 00:09:29,035
Let's get Kryten back.
Press what you pressed for Lister.
130
00:09:34,320 --> 00:09:36,117
My heavens.
131
00:09:36,320 --> 00:09:38,470
I am human.
132
00:09:39,160 --> 00:09:41,151
Yeah, but you lost your looks.
133
00:09:44,520 --> 00:09:49,071
I'm human - my greatest dream come true.I can experience real feelings.
134
00:09:49,240 --> 00:09:52,357
I'm experiencing one now. I'm in happiness mode.
135
00:09:52,520 --> 00:09:54,909
I've never experienced anything like it before.
136
00:09:55,080 --> 00:10:00,359
Except for that time I accidentally welded
my groinal socket to a washing machine.
137
00:10:00,520 --> 00:10:01,953
I'm alive!
138
00:10:10,920 --> 00:10:13,195
- How's he doing, Hol?
- Physically, he's fine.
139
00:10:13,360 --> 00:10:17,638
He's got the body of a perfectly normal
30-year-old human male...apparently.
140
00:10:19,360 --> 00:10:23,717
- Is he all right?
- He needs to adjust. Everything's a bit new.
141
00:10:26,840 --> 00:10:29,593
- Morning!
- Greetings, fellow human.
142
00:10:29,760 --> 00:10:34,754
Ah, breakfast, my very first meal.
Boiled chicken ovulations - delicious!
143
00:10:35,880 --> 00:10:39,270
- How you coping? Any problems?
- Just one or two.
144
00:10:39,440 --> 00:10:41,908
I've compiled a list, if you'll indulge me.
145
00:10:42,720 --> 00:10:46,793
Now, then, my optical system
doesn't appear to have a zoom function.
146
00:10:47,920 --> 00:10:52,596
- No, human eyes don't have a zoom.
- How do you bring a small object into focus?
147
00:10:54,840 --> 00:10:58,196
Well, you just move your head
closer to the object.
148
00:10:59,200 --> 00:11:03,796
I see. Move your head
closer...hmm...to the object.
149
00:11:03,960 --> 00:11:06,269
All right. What about other optical effects,
150
00:11:06,440 --> 00:11:08,635
like split screen, slow motion, Quantel?
151
00:11:11,480 --> 00:11:16,156
- No. We don't have them.
- You don't have them? Just the zoom.
152
00:11:16,720 --> 00:11:19,359
No, that's fine. That's great. No, that's great.
153
00:11:19,520 --> 00:11:22,080
Now, my nipples don't work.
154
00:11:24,720 --> 00:11:26,711
In what way ''don't work''?
155
00:11:26,920 --> 00:11:31,948
Well, when I was a mechanoid,
the right nipple nut regulated body temperature,
156
00:11:32,120 --> 00:11:36,989
while the left was used mainly
to pick up short-wave radio transmissions.
157
00:11:37,160 --> 00:11:42,439
Now, no matter how hard I twiddle it,
I can't seem to pick up Jazz FM.
158
00:11:43,600 --> 00:11:46,956
- Human nipples don't do that, Kryt.
- I see. Fine.
159
00:11:47,120 --> 00:11:48,678
Ah, recharging.
160
00:11:48,840 --> 00:11:52,992
Now, I presume that humans recharge
much the same way mechanoids do.
161
00:11:53,160 --> 00:11:56,232
I have located what I presume
is the recharging socket,
162
00:11:56,400 --> 00:12:02,316
but for some strange reason,
it doesn't have the standard three-pin adaption.
163
00:12:04,600 --> 00:12:09,754
Now, do I need some kind of adaptor,
because the lead just keeps falling out?
164
00:12:14,080 --> 00:12:17,550
Kryten, we eat and sleep.
That's our way of recharging.
165
00:12:17,760 --> 00:12:19,193
Oh. Hmm...
166
00:12:19,400 --> 00:12:22,915
Ah, now,
I wanted to talk to you about something.
167
00:12:23,080 --> 00:12:26,197
Something I know we humans
get a little embarrassed about.
168
00:12:26,360 --> 00:12:31,559
It's a bit of a taboo subject, not the sort
of thing we discuss in polite conversation.
169
00:12:31,760 --> 00:12:35,548
Kryten, I'm an enlightened 23rd-century guy.
Spit it out, man.
170
00:12:35,760 --> 00:12:39,150
Well, I want to talk to you about my penis.
171
00:12:45,440 --> 00:12:49,149
I knew it. You've gone straight into smirk mode.
172
00:12:49,320 --> 00:12:52,710
Aren't we both adults?
Can't we discuss our reproductive system
173
00:12:52,880 --> 00:12:55,030
without adolescent sniggering?
174
00:12:55,920 --> 00:12:58,912
- Yeah, of course we can.
- Thank you.
175
00:13:05,080 --> 00:13:07,355
- Well?
- Well, what?
176
00:13:07,560 --> 00:13:11,269
- Well, what do you think?
- What am I supposed to say?
177
00:13:11,480 --> 00:13:13,072
Is that normal?
178
00:13:13,280 --> 00:13:18,559
Taking photographs of it
and showing it to your mates? No, it's not!
179
00:13:19,480 --> 00:13:22,119
Well, is it supposed to look like that?
180
00:13:23,440 --> 00:13:26,079
- Well, yeah.
- It's hideous!
181
00:13:27,200 --> 00:13:29,668
That's the best they could come up with?!
182
00:13:29,840 --> 00:13:33,913
Are you telling me there were choices,
and someone said, ''Ah, that's it.
183
00:13:34,080 --> 00:13:38,596
''That's the shape we're looking for,
the last-chicken-in-the-shop look?''
184
00:13:38,800 --> 00:13:40,870
Shakespeare had one? Einstein?
185
00:13:41,040 --> 00:13:45,750
Perry Como sang ''Memories Are Made Of This''
with one of those stashed in his slacks?
186
00:13:46,640 --> 00:13:50,633
- Well, yeah.
- No wonder humans don't have a zoom mode.
187
00:13:51,800 --> 00:13:53,791
Now, take a look at this.
188
00:13:55,760 --> 00:13:57,751
And this.
189
00:14:04,360 --> 00:14:07,033
Now, why do you suppose that happened?
190
00:14:08,240 --> 00:14:10,913
Wh-What were you thinking of at the time?
191
00:14:12,800 --> 00:14:17,920
Nothing in particular. I was just flicking
through an electrical appliance catalogue.
192
00:14:19,400 --> 00:14:22,392
I came across the section
on super de-luxe vacuum cleaners
193
00:14:22,560 --> 00:14:27,873
and suddenly my underpant elastic
was catapulted across the medical bay.
194
00:14:28,040 --> 00:14:32,238
You see, man,
you're neither one thing or the other.
195
00:14:32,440 --> 00:14:36,149
You shouldn't be getting erotic thoughts
about electrical appliances.
196
00:14:36,320 --> 00:14:41,678
It WAS a triple-bag easy-glide vac
with turbo suction and a self-emptying dustbag.
197
00:14:43,320 --> 00:14:45,914
Kryten, I don't care what model it was.
198
00:14:46,080 --> 00:14:50,835
No vacuum cleaner
should give a human being a double Polaroid.
199
00:14:51,880 --> 00:14:54,792
- Do yourself a favour, man. Change back.
- Back?
200
00:14:54,960 --> 00:14:59,272
Become one of those sappy,
sad-act mechanoids again? This is my dream.
201
00:14:59,480 --> 00:15:01,471
Hey, I've got a joke for you.
202
00:15:01,680 --> 00:15:04,513
How many mechanoids
does it take to change a light bulb?
203
00:15:05,360 --> 00:15:07,749
- I don't know.
- Twelve. You know why?
204
00:15:07,920 --> 00:15:11,276
- Why?
- Because they're so stupid! (LAUGHS)
205
00:15:11,440 --> 00:15:13,431
Isn't that the greatest joke?
206
00:15:13,600 --> 00:15:17,149
I've got another.
Heard about the mechanoid peeping Tom?
207
00:15:20,320 --> 00:15:22,515
(LAUGHS)
208
00:15:23,640 --> 00:15:26,712
(KRYTEN'S LAUGHTER ECHOES)
209
00:15:31,400 --> 00:15:34,836
Man, this is a totally whacked-out idea.
It'll never work.
210
00:15:35,000 --> 00:15:39,994
That DNA machine can do anything.
The hard part was finding one of my dead cells.
211
00:15:40,200 --> 00:15:43,431
You really think you can clone yourself
from your dandruff?
212
00:15:43,640 --> 00:15:48,077
Why not? Dandruff has DNA in it.
That machine has a clone facility.
213
00:15:48,280 --> 00:15:51,397
But a man made from dandruff? It'll never work.
214
00:15:51,560 --> 00:15:55,553
The first time you use medicated shampoo,
you'll disappear.
215
00:15:55,720 --> 00:16:01,078
I won't be made of dandruff. My body
will be recreated from the genetic pattern in it.
216
00:16:01,280 --> 00:16:03,999
- How's Kryten?
- Confused.
217
00:16:04,160 --> 00:16:08,995
If he offers to show you his photo collection,
my advice is decline politely.
218
00:16:09,200 --> 00:16:14,320
I bet he can't believe his luck. He's reached
the pinnacle of evolution. He's human.
219
00:16:14,520 --> 00:16:16,715
What's so big about being human?
220
00:16:16,920 --> 00:16:20,071
Listy, don't knock it till you've tried it.
221
00:16:21,240 --> 00:16:24,676
I just don't trust that machine.
I know it's old-fashioned,
222
00:16:24,840 --> 00:16:27,638
but I believe if God intended us to fly,
223
00:16:27,800 --> 00:16:30,598
he wouldn't have invented
Spanish air traffic control.
224
00:16:30,760 --> 00:16:33,274
That machine might be able to cure diseases,
225
00:16:33,440 --> 00:16:37,638
but you shouldn't use it
to change you into what you're not.
226
00:16:37,800 --> 00:16:41,236
Wasn't it Descartes who said, ''I am what I am''?
227
00:16:42,200 --> 00:16:47,433
- No, it was Popeye the Sailor Man.
- Well, he was a hell of a philosopher.
228
00:16:47,600 --> 00:16:51,593
I think what he was saying
was stay true to what you are.
229
00:16:51,800 --> 00:16:55,679
Oh, here we go.
Typical knee-jerk techno-fear reaction.
230
00:16:55,840 --> 00:17:00,789
That machine is the greatest single
technological advancement mankind ever made.
231
00:17:00,960 --> 00:17:03,155
Greater than fire, greater than the wheel.
232
00:17:03,360 --> 00:17:05,669
What about the dude with three heads?
233
00:17:05,880 --> 00:17:08,838
- Well, he abused it.
- Someone always does.
234
00:17:09,040 --> 00:17:14,034
So you wouldn't use it? There's nothing
about your bodies you'd like to improve?
235
00:17:14,240 --> 00:17:20,349
Me?! Are you serious? Most people
leave their bodies to medical science.
236
00:17:20,520 --> 00:17:23,193
I'm leaving mine to the Louvre, baby!
237
00:17:23,400 --> 00:17:26,597
At some point,
most people wish they were someone else.
238
00:17:26,800 --> 00:17:29,598
This is going back years, before the accident.
239
00:17:29,800 --> 00:17:32,758
Kochanski had finished with me,
and I felt really pony.
240
00:17:32,920 --> 00:17:38,040
So I went for a walk in the botanical gardens
and saw this squirrel collecting nuts.
241
00:17:38,200 --> 00:17:42,193
It stopped and looked at me,
and I thought, ''You lucky little sod.
242
00:17:42,360 --> 00:17:48,230
''You like your job. You have no woman trouble.
You'll never feel as bad as I feel.''
243
00:17:48,400 --> 00:17:52,678
And at that moment, I would have given anything
to swap places with him.
244
00:17:53,640 --> 00:17:59,590
That's awful, man - when a woman screws
you up so bad you want to become a squirrel.
245
00:18:00,360 --> 00:18:03,591
It made me think
that being human isn't always fun.
246
00:18:03,800 --> 00:18:07,270
So, Lister, what are you telling us?
You're a closet squirrel?
247
00:18:07,440 --> 00:18:12,468
Behind closed doors, you parade around
in a strap-on bushy tail calling yourself Nutkin?
248
00:18:12,680 --> 00:18:18,198
I'm saying that being human
sometimes isn't all it's cracked up to be.
249
00:18:18,360 --> 00:18:24,515
If Kryten thinks it'll solve all his problems,
he's in for a major disappointment.
250
00:18:26,440 --> 00:18:28,670
(SNEEZES)
251
00:18:35,400 --> 00:18:39,518
A wonderful thing has happened.
We found this machine that's made me human.
252
00:18:40,920 --> 00:18:43,798
- You're a human now?
- That's right, Spare Head One.
253
00:18:43,960 --> 00:18:46,633
Our wildest,
most incredible dream has come true.
254
00:18:46,840 --> 00:18:49,832
- What's it like?
- It's indescribable, Spare Head Two.
255
00:18:50,000 --> 00:18:53,549
True, I'm having a few problems
coping with the human emotions,
256
00:18:53,720 --> 00:18:55,915
there's no zoom, the nipples don't work,
257
00:18:56,080 --> 00:19:00,517
and I could show you a snapshot
that would make your eyes spin.
258
00:19:00,680 --> 00:19:03,558
- That apart, it's all going well.
- What about us?
259
00:19:03,720 --> 00:19:07,998
- It was my turn to be main head next month.
- Obviously that's not possible.
260
00:19:08,160 --> 00:19:11,516
Aren't you happy for me?
I'm not second-class any more.
261
00:19:11,680 --> 00:19:16,231
What about Spare Head Three?
You can't just leave him. He's got droid rot.
262
00:19:16,400 --> 00:19:19,551
(YORKSHIRE ACCENT)
I don't need no bugger to look after me!
263
00:19:19,720 --> 00:19:23,599
Me units may be shot to buggery,
but I don't need sympathy from 'im!
264
00:19:23,800 --> 00:19:26,598
Well, I'll still visit. I won't forget you.
265
00:19:26,800 --> 00:19:30,315
- Where have you been for the past four days?
- I've been busy.
266
00:19:30,520 --> 00:19:34,991
Aye, busy swankin' round
with his poncey new eight-valve heart,
267
00:19:35,160 --> 00:19:37,958
la-di-da-ing with all his fancy new human friends!
268
00:19:38,160 --> 00:19:40,958
Oh, what do you know about anything?
269
00:19:41,160 --> 00:19:43,628
Ooh, hark at 'im! Orderin' his own heads around.
270
00:19:43,840 --> 00:19:45,831
I may be 30,000 years old,
271
00:19:46,000 --> 00:19:49,879
and me circuits may be bandy,
but I'll tell you this for nowt -
272
00:19:50,040 --> 00:19:54,033
you came into this world a mechanoid,
and a mechanoid you'll always be!
273
00:19:54,240 --> 00:19:59,075
I don't have to take this from you.
I'm a human. Shut your stupid flat head!
274
00:19:59,840 --> 00:20:02,308
Kryten, I don't believe you just said that.
275
00:20:02,520 --> 00:20:05,273
I don't even know why I came here.
276
00:20:05,480 --> 00:20:09,314
I think you should leave now, Kryten.
There's nothing more to say.
277
00:20:09,480 --> 00:20:12,313
Aye, sling your bloody hook! Go on! Clear off!
278
00:20:13,240 --> 00:20:15,470
And what about you, Spare Hand One?
279
00:20:20,640 --> 00:20:22,631
Greetings, fellow human.
280
00:20:22,800 --> 00:20:26,076
''Fellow human.''
How hollow those words sound now.
281
00:20:26,240 --> 00:20:28,231
What's eating you, man?
282
00:20:28,400 --> 00:20:33,633
I can't get the hang of these human emotions.
One moment I'm happy, the next I'm miserable.
283
00:20:33,800 --> 00:20:37,952
I'm up and down more
than a pair of kangaroos in the mating season.
284
00:20:38,160 --> 00:20:42,438
Depression's there for a reason.
It's the mind's way of saying something's wrong.
285
00:20:42,640 --> 00:20:45,552
What could be wrong? I've got everything I want.
286
00:20:45,760 --> 00:20:48,877
- Oh, yeah?
- No. I've done the most terrible thing.
287
00:20:49,040 --> 00:20:52,032
I've hurt my own kind, those closest to me.
288
00:20:52,320 --> 00:20:54,550
I've been a complete Polaroid-head.
289
00:20:54,760 --> 00:20:57,513
Yeah. You've had your head
up your recharge socket.
290
00:20:59,280 --> 00:21:01,555
Agreed. And you've known all along.
291
00:21:01,760 --> 00:21:06,390
Yeah, well. I did something similar once. Sold out.
292
00:21:07,840 --> 00:21:09,876
You sold out?
293
00:21:10,040 --> 00:21:13,999
Hmm. Look, this is between me and you,
OK, Kryten?
294
00:21:15,280 --> 00:21:17,794
Once, many years ago...
295
00:21:17,960 --> 00:21:20,394
I went into a wine bar.
296
00:21:23,800 --> 00:21:27,918
- That's it? You went into a wine bar?
- OK. Keep it down!
297
00:21:28,080 --> 00:21:33,996
- I don't want the whole world to know.
- What's so bad about going into a...WB?
298
00:21:34,200 --> 00:21:36,270
It means I was a class traitor.
299
00:21:36,440 --> 00:21:40,069
I could have been on that slippery slope -
hankering after pine kitchens,
300
00:21:40,240 --> 00:21:43,357
sleeping on futons, eating tapas.
301
00:21:43,520 --> 00:21:48,310
Who knows? I could have started
having ''relationships'' instead of ''going out'',
302
00:21:48,480 --> 00:21:51,950
got married, got on the property ladder.
303
00:21:52,120 --> 00:21:54,588
Who knows where it could have ended?
304
00:21:54,760 --> 00:21:59,550
Next thing you know, I'm playing squash
every Tuesday night with a bloke called Gerald.
305
00:21:59,720 --> 00:22:01,756
A lucky escape, man.
306
00:22:02,560 --> 00:22:07,429
I want to be a mechanoid again.
It's what I always have been, always will be.
307
00:22:08,320 --> 00:22:11,232
And no bad thing. Let's do it.
308
00:22:11,520 --> 00:22:15,593
Kryten, a cartoon character called Popeye
said a really profound thing.
309
00:22:15,800 --> 00:22:18,951
- What did he say?
- ''I am what I am.''
310
00:22:19,160 --> 00:22:21,720
Are you sure? I thought that was Descartes.
311
00:22:21,920 --> 00:22:26,835
So did I, man.
It's so easy to get those two dudes mixed up.
312
00:22:30,080 --> 00:22:32,719
- (LISTER) OK, Hol?
- I've got it sussed.
313
00:22:32,920 --> 00:22:35,354
- We should try it first.
- What with?
314
00:22:35,560 --> 00:22:38,632
- Well, anything organic.
- Hey, don't look at me.
315
00:22:38,840 --> 00:22:41,912
- I'm not. I'm looking at that container.
- Lister's curry?!
316
00:22:42,120 --> 00:22:46,159
It's organic. If we can change a mutton vindaloo
into a chicken vindaloo,
317
00:22:46,360 --> 00:22:48,351
we'll know it's safe for Kryten.
318
00:22:48,560 --> 00:22:51,233
Nice idea, Goalpost-Head.
319
00:22:51,400 --> 00:22:54,870
- Let's try it.
- I was enjoying that!
320
00:22:57,560 --> 00:23:01,758
(COMPUTER'S VOICE) Gene sample acceptedand cloned. Metamorphosis in progress.
321
00:23:06,520 --> 00:23:09,080
(BUBBLING AND GURGLING)
322
00:23:11,920 --> 00:23:15,117
- What the smeg is it?
- What have we created?
323
00:23:15,320 --> 00:23:20,872
(LISTER) It's the mutton vindaloo beast!
Half man, half extra-hot Indian curry!
324
00:23:22,280 --> 00:23:24,316
OK. You go. I'll cover you.
325
00:23:24,520 --> 00:23:27,114
- (OTHERS) Seriously?!
- No!
326
00:23:28,360 --> 00:23:30,828
(ROARS)
327
00:23:35,440 --> 00:23:39,479
I don't believe I'm running away
from a psychopathic curried man!
328
00:23:39,680 --> 00:23:44,151
- Is he still following us?
- Can't you smell him? He's right behind us!
329
00:23:49,400 --> 00:23:51,789
Remember last Easter? The Polymorph?
330
00:23:52,000 --> 00:23:54,594
That's right. The killer shami kebab.
331
00:23:54,800 --> 00:23:57,394
How can the same smeg
happen to the same guy twice?
332
00:23:57,600 --> 00:24:01,229
Last time, it was hors d'oeuvres.
This time, it's lunch.
333
00:24:01,400 --> 00:24:05,916
- Kiss your ugly ass goodbye, beast!
- (LISTER) Twice!
334
00:24:06,120 --> 00:24:08,350
(GUNFIRE)
335
00:24:09,720 --> 00:24:13,474
Go back to the DNA suite. I've got an idea!
336
00:24:23,080 --> 00:24:27,949
Holly, I want the truth - can you make
this machine work without any mistakes?
337
00:24:28,160 --> 00:24:30,435
Yeah. I know what I did wrong.
338
00:24:30,600 --> 00:24:33,910
It's a mistake any deranged,
half-witted computer could've made.
339
00:24:34,080 --> 00:24:37,993
- I can do it. Give me a chance.
- That creature's virtually indestructible.
340
00:24:38,160 --> 00:24:40,958
There's only one way to beat it.
341
00:24:41,120 --> 00:24:44,157
Turn me into a superhuman. Man plus.
342
00:24:45,000 --> 00:24:46,991
Are you totally insane?
343
00:24:47,160 --> 00:24:50,630
You're letting that fruitbat of a computer
diddle with your DNA?
344
00:24:50,840 --> 00:24:55,834
- Have you got a better plan?
- Maybe Indian restaurant music will stop it.
345
00:24:56,000 --> 00:24:59,549
Or we could make a surrender flag
out of flock wallpaper.
346
00:24:59,760 --> 00:25:03,230
The chomp thing'll be through that door
any minute now.
347
00:25:03,440 --> 00:25:04,953
Right. Let's do it.
348
00:25:05,160 --> 00:25:07,913
(COMPUTER'S VOICE)Transmogrification sequence initiated.
349
00:25:08,120 --> 00:25:10,350
(GROWLS)
350
00:25:12,080 --> 00:25:14,958
Metamorphosis complete.
351
00:25:17,160 --> 00:25:19,196
(SQUEAKS) Did it work?
352
00:25:20,480 --> 00:25:23,836
- Kind of.
- What do you mean, ''kind of''?
353
00:25:24,040 --> 00:25:26,315
I mean ''kind of''.
354
00:25:30,360 --> 00:25:32,828
- (HOLLY) Well, getting better.
- What now?
355
00:25:33,000 --> 00:25:35,719
No time to change him back. Let's scoot.
356
00:25:35,880 --> 00:25:37,871
Come on, stumpy.
357
00:25:38,040 --> 00:25:40,031
(SQUEAKS) Wait for me!
358
00:25:47,480 --> 00:25:50,074
I can't keep up! I'm knackered!
359
00:25:52,080 --> 00:25:54,913
(GROWLS)
360
00:26:09,200 --> 00:26:12,556
(ROARS IN PAIN)
361
00:26:13,960 --> 00:26:18,192
Of course. Lager.
The only thing that can kill a vindaloo.
362
00:26:42,080 --> 00:26:45,231
Has anyone got a poppadom
the size of Lake Michigan?
363
00:26:45,400 --> 00:26:47,755
This stuff's really good.
364
00:26:48,560 --> 00:26:50,232
This guy's pure class.
365
00:26:53,440 --> 00:26:56,796
It's cold outside, there's no kind of atmosphere
366
00:26:56,960 --> 00:27:00,191
I'm all alone, more or less
367
00:27:00,360 --> 00:27:03,511
Let me fly far away from here
368
00:27:03,680 --> 00:27:06,319
Fun, fun, fun
369
00:27:06,480 --> 00:27:10,029
In the sun, sun, sun
370
00:27:10,200 --> 00:27:13,510
I want to lie shipwrecked and comatose
371
00:27:13,680 --> 00:27:16,797
Drinking fresh mango juice
372
00:27:16,960 --> 00:27:20,191
Goldfish shoals nibbling at my toes
373
00:27:20,360 --> 00:27:22,954
Fun, fun, fun
374
00:27:23,120 --> 00:27:26,669
In the sun, sun, sun
375
00:27:26,840 --> 00:27:29,559
Fun, fun, fun
376
00:27:29,720 --> 00:27:33,713
In the sun, sun, sun
377
00:27:33,763 --> 00:27:38,313
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