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1
00:00:07,007 --> 00:00:11,046
(DRAMATIC "2001"-TYPE MUSIC)
2
00:01:04,047 --> 00:01:07,642
This is an SOS distress callfrom the mining ship "Red Dwarf".
3
00:01:07,727 --> 00:01:10,764
The crew are dead, killed by a radiation leak.
4
00:01:10,847 --> 00:01:12,803
The only survivors were. Dave Lister,
5
00:01:12,887 --> 00:01:15,481
who was in suspended animationduring the disaster,
6
00:01:15,567 --> 00:01:18,400
and his pregnant cat,who was safely sealed in the hold.
7
00:01:18,487 --> 00:01:20,682
Revived three million years later,
8
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his only companionsare a life form who evolved from his cat
9
00:01:24,447 --> 00:01:26,961
and Arnold Rimmer - a hologramsimulation of one of the dead crew.
10
00:01:29,687 --> 00:01:33,316
I am Holly, the ship's computer,with an IQ of 6,000 -
11
00:01:33,407 --> 00:01:36,160
the same IQ as 6,000 PE teachers.
12
00:01:38,087 --> 00:01:42,046
In a crater, on a ast'roid
excavating for a mine,
13
00:01:42,127 --> 00:01:46,678
Lived an old plutonium miner,
and his daughter Clementine
14
00:01:47,087 --> 00:01:51,638
- Lister. RD 52169.
- Yeth? Can I help you?
15
00:01:52,367 --> 00:01:54,483
- You've got a lisp.
- Yeth, I know.
16
00:01:54,727 --> 00:01:58,925
The malfunction has been reported.Thorry for the inconvenienth.
17
00:01:59,007 --> 00:02:02,556
Give me a bacon sandwich
with French mustard and black coffee.
18
00:02:02,647 --> 00:02:04,683
(MACHINE HUMS)
19
00:02:05,487 --> 00:02:08,285
Your vocabulary unit's not working either.
20
00:02:08,367 --> 00:02:13,122
Thith altho hath been reported.Thorry for the inconvenienth.
21
00:02:13,207 --> 00:02:17,246
- Can you just try a black coffee?
- I'll certainly try.
22
00:02:21,887 --> 00:02:24,162
- That's a bucket.
- Thorry.
23
00:02:24,527 --> 00:02:27,087
Do, do, do, da da Morning, Lister.
24
00:02:27,167 --> 00:02:31,046
How's life, you pregnant
baboon-bellied space beatnik?
25
00:02:31,127 --> 00:02:33,561
What's the plan for today, then?
26
00:02:33,647 --> 00:02:36,081
Slobbing in the morning,
then slobbing in the afternoon,
27
00:02:36,167 --> 00:02:39,045
then a snooze before the main evening slob?
28
00:02:39,127 --> 00:02:41,766
You're a disgrace to the species.
29
00:02:45,127 --> 00:02:47,277
Good morning, Rimmer.
30
00:02:48,567 --> 00:02:53,880
Clock stop! 6.47.
Not a bad little time for the mile.
31
00:02:54,367 --> 00:02:57,200
Pity I was only doing the 300 metres.
32
00:02:57,287 --> 00:03:01,519
I had that conversation with Lister.
Knock... 4 minutes off for that.
33
00:03:01,607 --> 00:03:05,839
Plus a little rest, so I wouldn't
looked shagged out as I passed him.
34
00:03:05,927 --> 00:03:09,602
So, knock that off
and... I've broken the world record, well done.
35
00:03:09,687 --> 00:03:12,360
I'm fitter than I thought.
Holly, give me a clean uniform.
36
00:03:12,447 --> 00:03:16,679
- 9.47 am, Arnold.
- No, a clean uniform, you idiot.
37
00:03:16,847 --> 00:03:19,884
- I'm rather busy at the moment.
- Now!
38
00:03:19,967 --> 00:03:22,356
(H0LLY SIGHS)
39
00:03:23,807 --> 00:03:28,597
And give me a crewcut.
I'm beginning to look like a Hell's Angel.
40
00:03:29,127 --> 00:03:32,483
We're going to hit light speed in 24 hours.
41
00:03:32,567 --> 00:03:35,127
I have to navigate a ship the size of a city
42
00:03:35,207 --> 00:03:38,961
through speeds neverexperienced in the human sphere.
43
00:03:39,127 --> 00:03:43,678
I'm not a combination of the SpeakingClock, Moss Bros and Teasy-Weasy.
44
00:03:44,207 --> 00:03:46,675
Holly, a hologram I may be.
45
00:03:46,767 --> 00:03:50,043
But I'm still the highest ranking
technician aboard this ship.
46
00:03:50,127 --> 00:03:52,357
If I say do something, you do it.
47
00:03:52,447 --> 00:03:55,644
Understand? You stupid, jumped-up filofax.
48
00:03:55,727 --> 00:03:58,002
- I'm a what?
- You heard.
49
00:03:58,367 --> 00:04:02,360
- Just get on with it. Very short.
- OK, Arnold.
50
00:04:05,287 --> 00:04:07,881
- Have you done it, Hol?
- Yes.
51
00:04:07,967 --> 00:04:11,164
- A crewcut, and it's very short?
- Yes, Arnold.
52
00:04:11,247 --> 00:04:14,557
As my father always said, shiny clean boots
53
00:04:14,647 --> 00:04:17,957
and a spanking short haircut,
and you can cope with anything.
54
00:04:18,047 --> 00:04:21,722
He said that just before all that
unfortunate suicide business.
55
00:04:27,007 --> 00:04:30,556
Ah, now that's me with jim Bexley Speed.
56
00:04:30,647 --> 00:04:33,525
He played for the London jets
Zero Gravity Football Team.
57
00:04:33,687 --> 00:04:35,837
He was roof attack.
58
00:04:36,007 --> 00:04:39,841
He was really, really, really,
really thrilled to meet me.
59
00:04:40,847 --> 00:04:43,759
- Who's that guy?
- That's me grandmother.
60
00:04:43,847 --> 00:04:46,759
She brought me up. She was a great old lady.
61
00:04:46,927 --> 00:04:51,000
She got me expelled from school
because she nutted the headmaster.
62
00:04:51,247 --> 00:04:53,317
Wow. That's nice.
63
00:04:53,407 --> 00:04:55,682
It's just a jupiter rise. Everyone takes that shot.
64
00:04:57,767 --> 00:05:00,156
Who is that?
65
00:05:00,247 --> 00:05:02,363
That's me Dad. It's me only photo.
66
00:05:02,447 --> 00:05:05,519
He's your father? No wonder you're so ugly.
67
00:05:05,687 --> 00:05:09,123
- No, that's his dog, Hannah.
- Dawwg? What's a dawwg?
68
00:05:09,207 --> 00:05:11,641
- It's just a pet.
- Ugleeeeee!
69
00:05:11,807 --> 00:05:16,358
You go get your stuff and let me pack mine.
Will you do that?
70
00:05:16,567 --> 00:05:21,960
This... dog. Better not be around here
or I may have to chase him.
71
00:05:22,127 --> 00:05:24,960
0h, yeah. Do you know how big they are?
72
00:05:25,047 --> 00:05:29,723
They're about 18 feet long
with teeth as big as your leg.
73
00:05:29,887 --> 00:05:32,765
0h, yes, well, I may have to chase him anyway.
74
00:05:32,847 --> 00:05:34,599
Aaaaaw!
75
00:05:37,167 --> 00:05:40,876
0h, Lennon! Look what's happened to McCartney.
76
00:05:56,087 --> 00:05:58,123
So, mechanical engineering!
77
00:05:59,367 --> 00:06:01,835
Hey! Perfection!
78
00:06:01,927 --> 00:06:04,157
And they said you was a waste of money.
79
00:06:14,127 --> 00:06:16,516
- What's he looking at?
- Who?
80
00:06:16,607 --> 00:06:18,996
That idiotic cat.
81
00:06:22,287 --> 00:06:25,643
- What have you done to your hair?
- Holly did it.
82
00:06:25,727 --> 00:06:28,116
- Why?
- I ordered him to.
83
00:06:28,207 --> 00:06:31,324
- It looks ridiculous.
- It may look ridiculous to you,
84
00:06:31,407 --> 00:06:34,160
but I like it like this. I feel like a man.
85
00:06:35,367 --> 00:06:38,245
Yeah. And you'll probably
get one, looking like that.
86
00:06:39,087 --> 00:06:43,524
Short hair gives a man
a sense of dignity, a sense of discipline.
87
00:06:43,607 --> 00:06:46,679
- Have you seen it?
- I don't need to see it.
88
00:06:46,767 --> 00:06:48,678
I didn't get it to look good.
89
00:06:48,767 --> 00:06:52,316
This is a haircut for action,
not poncing around in.
90
00:06:52,407 --> 00:06:56,195
Maybe a bit severe. A bit too Green Beret.
91
00:06:58,527 --> 00:07:04,318
But you are how you look, and I look...
like a complete and total tit!
92
00:07:06,847 --> 00:07:08,678
Holly! Holly!
93
00:07:08,847 --> 00:07:12,237
This is a recording. Holly is busy at the moment.
94
00:07:12,407 --> 00:07:16,002
Leave a message after the bleepand he'll get back to you.
95
00:07:16,167 --> 00:07:17,885
Bleep.
96
00:07:18,047 --> 00:07:21,722
Holly, this is Rimmer. Remember me? Rimmer.
97
00:07:21,807 --> 00:07:26,005
Arnold Rimmer. The poor goit
you made look like Helen Shapiro.
98
00:07:26,087 --> 00:07:29,045
I'll see you toast in the fires of Hell for this.
99
00:07:29,207 --> 00:07:31,596
Did someone say they wanted toast?
100
00:07:31,687 --> 00:07:33,996
No, shut up.
101
00:07:34,087 --> 00:07:37,636
- What are you doing?
- I'm going into stasis. Holly tell you?
102
00:07:37,727 --> 00:07:39,445
Stasis? What for?
103
00:07:39,527 --> 00:07:41,643
While we go through light speed.
104
00:07:41,727 --> 00:07:44,844
I thought I may as well stay
till we get back to Earth.
105
00:07:45,007 --> 00:07:47,282
Earth? That's three million years away.
106
00:07:47,367 --> 00:07:50,200
You can't leave me that long - I'll go peculiar.
107
00:07:52,967 --> 00:07:56,323
Holly, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be rude.
108
00:07:56,407 --> 00:07:58,523
Can I please have my own hair back?
109
00:07:58,607 --> 00:08:03,283
- Pretty please, with sugar on?
- I'll think about it, Arnold.
110
00:08:05,447 --> 00:08:08,519
Holly's supposed to have told you.
I thought you didn't mind.
111
00:08:08,607 --> 00:08:11,201
Mind? Mind? Why should I mind?
112
00:08:11,287 --> 00:08:14,757
3,000 millennia alone,
while you're in suspended animation?
113
00:08:14,847 --> 00:08:18,237
I'll do that crossword book -
that should kill a couple of centuries.
114
00:08:18,407 --> 00:08:20,443
Holly'll switch you off till we come out.
115
00:08:20,527 --> 00:08:24,759
Switch me on, switch me off,
like a battery-powered sex aid.
116
00:08:25,007 --> 00:08:27,475
- Don't give me this.
- Give you what?
117
00:08:27,567 --> 00:08:30,161
I'm dead, or haven't you noticed?
118
00:08:30,327 --> 00:08:32,557
I know you're dead. Don't whinge on.
119
00:08:32,727 --> 00:08:34,558
Sorry to be a bore.
120
00:08:34,727 --> 00:08:37,924
You're everything you were when you were alive.
121
00:08:38,007 --> 00:08:40,726
Same personality, same everything.
122
00:08:40,887 --> 00:08:43,447
Apart from the detail that I'm a stiffy.
123
00:08:44,487 --> 00:08:47,559
Death isn't the handicap it was in the olden days.
124
00:08:47,647 --> 00:08:49,797
It doesn't screw your career like it used to.
125
00:08:49,967 --> 00:08:52,686
But if you had two people coming for a job
126
00:08:52,767 --> 00:08:55,201
and one was dead, which would you pick?
127
00:08:55,807 --> 00:08:58,844
Well, depends on which was best qualified.
128
00:08:59,007 --> 00:09:02,363
Bullpats. When did you last
see a dead newsreader?
129
00:09:03,527 --> 00:09:06,246
Channel 27 had a hologram reading the news.
130
00:09:06,407 --> 00:09:10,241
0h... groovy, funky Channel 27.
131
00:09:10,327 --> 00:09:14,002
Big smegging deal. You livies hate us deadies.
132
00:09:14,207 --> 00:09:17,961
If I'm going back to Earth,
I have to go into stasis.
133
00:09:18,047 --> 00:09:21,642
It's gonna take 4,000 years just to turn around.
134
00:09:21,727 --> 00:09:24,924
You can't do a three-point turn
this close to light speed.
135
00:09:25,367 --> 00:09:28,837
Really? Read that in the Ladybird
Book of Astronavigation?
136
00:09:29,007 --> 00:09:31,396
It happens to be true.
137
00:09:31,567 --> 00:09:35,765
I know. I've taken
the astronavigation exam nine times.
138
00:09:35,847 --> 00:09:37,917
Ten, counting the time I had my spasm.
139
00:09:38,127 --> 00:09:42,120
You'll only be turned off till we get back to Earth.
140
00:09:42,207 --> 00:09:44,767
Where you won't need me,
so I won't get switched back on.
141
00:09:44,967 --> 00:09:49,563
They may cure you. They may have
made advances while we were away.
142
00:09:49,727 --> 00:09:53,481
I expect they cured death
the instant we left Earth.
143
00:09:53,567 --> 00:09:56,639
I expect doctors' surgeries
are packed with the dead.
144
00:09:56,727 --> 00:09:59,719
"Mrs johnstone, take one
of these three times a day,
145
00:09:59,807 --> 00:10:03,004
"you'll soon be living again.
Carole, next corpse, please."
146
00:10:03,647 --> 00:10:06,844
- They might.
- Yes, if the Earth hasn't blown up.
147
00:10:07,007 --> 00:10:08,998
0r the ants haven't taken over.
148
00:10:09,167 --> 00:10:13,877
Well, you'll be in your element.
You'll get a decent job at last.
149
00:10:14,047 --> 00:10:16,436
- Yeah, yeah.
- You'll run for government.
150
00:10:16,527 --> 00:10:20,076
- Yeah, yeah.
- You'll even make it as a male model.
151
00:10:22,887 --> 00:10:24,286
Git.
152
00:10:35,047 --> 00:10:38,357
To Ganymede and Titan
153
00:10:41,487 --> 00:10:44,797
Yes, sir, I've been around.
154
00:10:44,887 --> 00:10:49,836
But there ain't no place
in the whole of... space
155
00:10:49,927 --> 00:10:53,806
Like that good ol' toddlin' town...
156
00:10:53,967 --> 00:10:56,276
0h, oohh...
157
00:10:56,367 --> 00:10:58,562
Lunar City...
158
00:11:11,247 --> 00:11:13,841
Lunar City 7...
159
00:11:14,007 --> 00:11:15,998
You can't sing, you know.
160
00:11:16,367 --> 00:11:20,406
- You can, can you?
- As a toaster, I'm tone deaf, am I?
161
00:11:20,487 --> 00:11:22,557
Go on, then.
162
00:11:22,647 --> 00:11:24,797
Welcome to the Starlight Ballroom...
163
00:11:24,887 --> 00:11:29,324
Fly me to the moon and let me...
164
00:11:30,207 --> 00:11:32,118
Lunar City 7...
165
00:11:32,687 --> 00:11:35,247
(LISTER C0NTINUES SINGING)
166
00:11:41,447 --> 00:11:46,157
- What was that?!
- Er, 11. 14 ship time, Dave.
167
00:11:46,247 --> 00:11:48,761
No, Holly, what was that flash?
168
00:11:48,847 --> 00:11:51,725
We've broken the light barrier 22 hours early.
169
00:11:51,807 --> 00:11:53,877
Is everyone all right?
170
00:11:53,967 --> 00:11:56,276
I can't do it. I can't cope.
171
00:11:56,367 --> 00:11:58,517
Me bottle's gone.
172
00:11:59,327 --> 00:12:02,205
Holly, is everyone all right?
173
00:12:02,487 --> 00:12:05,763
No, I'm not. I thoughtI could navigate at light speed
174
00:12:05,847 --> 00:12:08,202
but I can't wrap me head round it.
175
00:12:08,767 --> 00:12:11,235
Gordon Bennet, that was a close onel
176
00:12:11,527 --> 00:12:15,236
What's the problem? You've an IQ of 6,000!
177
00:12:15,487 --> 00:12:18,320
We're travelling faster than the speed of light.
178
00:12:18,407 --> 00:12:21,444
By the time we see something,we've already passed through it.
179
00:12:21,527 --> 00:12:24,917
Even with an IQ of 6,000,it's still brown trousers time.
180
00:12:26,767 --> 00:12:28,564
Can I help?
181
00:12:28,727 --> 00:12:31,525
It's all right. I'm getting the hang of it now.
182
00:12:31,607 --> 00:12:34,519
Left a bit... straighten her up. I better go.
183
00:12:37,047 --> 00:12:40,517
To Ganymede and Titan,
Yes, sir, I've...
184
00:12:43,447 --> 00:12:45,563
Rimmer! Rimmer!
185
00:12:45,727 --> 00:12:47,718
(SILENT)
186
00:12:55,847 --> 00:12:57,883
(SILENT)
187
00:12:58,207 --> 00:13:01,995
To Ganymede and Titan,
Yes, sir, I've been...
188
00:13:03,167 --> 00:13:05,635
Rimmer!
189
00:13:06,047 --> 00:13:08,003
What? What is it?
190
00:13:08,447 --> 00:13:11,359
Do you see anything really weird in that mirror?
191
00:13:13,647 --> 00:13:15,683
Yes. You, you ugly goit.
192
00:13:15,767 --> 00:13:19,646
- No. It was really odd.
- What was?
193
00:13:19,727 --> 00:13:22,400
Nothing. Forget it, doesn't matter.
194
00:13:22,487 --> 00:13:25,604
- What doesn't matter?
- Nothing, forget it.
195
00:13:26,887 --> 00:13:29,355
Have you been at the marijuana gin?
196
00:13:29,447 --> 00:13:31,438
Forget it. It doesn't matter.
197
00:13:31,527 --> 00:13:34,166
Fine. If you have more problems with nothing
198
00:13:34,247 --> 00:13:37,159
and things that don't matter,
just scream my name hysterically,
199
00:13:37,247 --> 00:13:39,636
and I'll come pelting down the corridor!
200
00:13:45,487 --> 00:13:48,081
This little kitty went to space...
201
00:13:48,167 --> 00:13:50,965
This little kitty stayed at home
202
00:13:51,047 --> 00:13:53,277
0oohh, aaaahh, tcheee...
203
00:13:53,367 --> 00:13:56,518
My clothes are
- What are you doing?
204
00:13:56,607 --> 00:13:58,643
What you said, dude.
205
00:13:58,727 --> 00:14:02,959
I said take a few essentials
that you couldn't bear to leave.
206
00:14:03,047 --> 00:14:05,163
Right. These are all I'm taking.
207
00:14:05,247 --> 00:14:09,684
These and the other ten racks.
Travel light, move fast.
208
00:14:09,767 --> 00:14:12,122
You can't take it all. There's no room.
209
00:14:12,567 --> 00:14:16,401
0K. I'll leave... this.
210
00:14:17,087 --> 00:14:19,282
I'll just have to do without it.
211
00:14:20,767 --> 00:14:23,645
- You can take two suits, that's it.
- Two suits?
212
00:14:23,727 --> 00:14:25,718
- Then I'm staying.
- You can't stay.
213
00:14:25,807 --> 00:14:29,083
- When I come out, you'll be dead.
- Two suits IS dead.
214
00:14:29,927 --> 00:14:33,602
If I cut off my leg and leave it behind,
can I take three?
215
00:14:34,967 --> 00:14:36,958
Going into stasis in 10 minutes,
meet you in the sleeping quarters.
216
00:14:39,567 --> 00:14:42,365
- Rimmer, I've been thinking.
- What?
217
00:14:42,447 --> 00:14:45,644
- About going into stasis.
- How did I do what?
218
00:14:49,087 --> 00:14:51,362
What do you mean, "How did I do what?"
219
00:14:51,447 --> 00:14:54,519
- Lister, don't be a gimboid.
- I'm not being a gimboid.
220
00:14:58,607 --> 00:15:01,280
I've been in the library, thinking. I've decided...
221
00:15:01,367 --> 00:15:03,483
Shut up.
222
00:15:04,007 --> 00:15:07,124
As I was saying
before I was so rudely interrupted,
223
00:15:07,207 --> 00:15:11,120
I've decided when you go into stasis
I want to be left behind.
224
00:15:11,207 --> 00:15:13,675
0n your own, for the rest of your life?
225
00:15:13,767 --> 00:15:15,837
- What things?
- Eh?
226
00:15:16,927 --> 00:15:19,395
- I said, what?
- What's going on?
227
00:15:20,167 --> 00:15:22,556
- You are space crazy.
- I'M space crazy?!
228
00:15:22,647 --> 00:15:26,037
You're the one who's... space crazy.
229
00:15:26,127 --> 00:15:29,278
It probably is déja-vu. It sounds like it.
230
00:15:36,287 --> 00:15:40,997
Aaaagh! Rimmer, I've just seen you
walk out of that door.
231
00:15:41,087 --> 00:15:43,555
- What?
- How did you do that?
232
00:15:43,727 --> 00:15:47,163
- How did I do what?
- You just walked out of that door.
233
00:15:47,247 --> 00:15:49,238
Lister, don't be a gimboid.
234
00:15:49,327 --> 00:15:53,878
I swear, as you walked out
that door, you came in this one.
235
00:15:54,567 --> 00:15:56,558
I've been in the library, and I've decided...
236
00:15:56,647 --> 00:15:58,797
- I'm telling you...
- Shut up.
237
00:15:58,887 --> 00:16:01,526
As I was saying
before I was so rudely interrupted,
238
00:16:01,607 --> 00:16:04,963
when you go into stasis
I want to be left behind.
239
00:16:05,047 --> 00:16:07,561
You just came in and said exactly that.
240
00:16:07,647 --> 00:16:09,478
- What?
- You said that.
241
00:16:09,567 --> 00:16:11,637
- What?
- And that. You said that.
242
00:16:11,727 --> 00:16:14,605
- You are space crazy.
- And then you said...
243
00:16:14,687 --> 00:16:16,564
"It probably is déja-vu."
244
00:16:16,647 --> 00:16:19,366
It probably is déja-vu. It sounds like it.
245
00:16:20,447 --> 00:16:23,007
Go on, then: Shake your head and walk out.
246
00:16:27,767 --> 00:16:30,156
Rimmer, listen. Will you just listen?
247
00:16:30,247 --> 00:16:32,442
My tooth! I think I lost my tooth!
248
00:16:32,527 --> 00:16:34,722
Cat, wait. Rimmer, listen.
249
00:16:34,927 --> 00:16:38,044
I'm gonna eat the little fishies.
250
00:16:38,127 --> 00:16:40,766
I'm gonna... oh-oh... ah-ha!
251
00:16:40,847 --> 00:16:44,840
I was just making sure your fish were 0K.
I wasn't going to eat them.
252
00:16:45,687 --> 00:16:49,362
- He just walked past us.
- Must be the light speed.
253
00:16:49,447 --> 00:16:52,007
- Holly, what's going on?
- It's light speed, I bet.
254
00:16:52,087 --> 00:16:54,521
- Is your name Holly?
- "Is your name Holly" (?)
255
00:16:54,607 --> 00:16:56,643
Holly, what is going on?
256
00:16:56,807 --> 00:17:01,483
I'm a 10th generation Al hologramic computer.I'm not your mum.
257
00:17:01,567 --> 00:17:03,922
Yes, fantastic.
258
00:17:04,087 --> 00:17:06,157
Do you want a hand with your homework,
259
00:17:06,247 --> 00:17:09,284
or me to sew little nametags in your PE kit?
260
00:17:09,927 --> 00:17:15,479
Holly, watch my lips. What is hap-pen-ing?
261
00:17:15,567 --> 00:17:17,637
With the mirror, the cat, everything...
262
00:17:17,807 --> 00:17:21,595
You're seeing future echoes. Didn't I explain?
263
00:17:21,807 --> 00:17:24,002
What are future echoes?
264
00:17:24,087 --> 00:17:26,965
- How simple do you want this?
- So Lister can understand it.
265
00:17:27,127 --> 00:17:29,880
Ohh. Oh, dear.
266
00:17:30,047 --> 00:17:32,038
Difficult, I know.
267
00:17:32,287 --> 00:17:34,278
We're travelling faster than L.S. Right?
268
00:17:34,367 --> 00:17:36,358
- What's L.S.?
- Light Speed.
269
00:17:36,447 --> 00:17:38,085
- Smartarse.
270
00:17:38,247 --> 00:17:42,479
It's catching up with things you're to dobefore you've done them.
271
00:17:42,567 --> 00:17:45,718
- We're seeing bits of the future?
- Yes.
272
00:17:45,807 --> 00:17:48,879
Told you it was light speed.
You should've asked me.
273
00:17:48,967 --> 00:17:52,482
- Can they see us?
- Of course not. Use your loaf.
274
00:17:52,647 --> 00:17:57,084
Wait. So the Cat's gonna break
his tooth some time in the future?
275
00:17:57,167 --> 00:17:59,442
I didn't think you wanted it THIS simple.
276
00:17:59,607 --> 00:18:01,916
Ain't nobody gonna break my tooth.
277
00:18:02,087 --> 00:18:04,123
How long is this going to last?
278
00:18:04,207 --> 00:18:07,756
Till the reverse thrust takes effectand we drop below light speed.
279
00:18:07,847 --> 00:18:11,237
- What's that photograph?
- Me and Frankenstein, isn't it?
280
00:18:11,327 --> 00:18:16,401
- No. The one with the babies.
- Babies? I've never seen it before.
281
00:18:16,607 --> 00:18:19,440
Holly, is this what you call a future echo?
282
00:18:19,967 --> 00:18:23,084
Yes, of course it isl Bozo.
283
00:18:24,407 --> 00:18:28,366
Two babies. How did I get two babies?
284
00:18:32,287 --> 00:18:36,121
Ganymede and Titan,
Yes, sir, I've been around
285
00:18:36,207 --> 00:18:38,084
But there ain't no place
in the whole of space
286
00:18:38,167 --> 00:18:40,283
What's this, guys?
287
00:18:41,047 --> 00:18:45,325
"Don't go into stasis.
Please don't leave us with Rimmer."
288
00:18:46,407 --> 00:18:48,967
I'm sorry, guys, I've got to. We need you.
289
00:18:49,167 --> 00:18:51,681
There's nothing for me here.
I want to go back to Earth.
290
00:18:51,767 --> 00:18:55,885
Don't do that. I don't care what it's like.
It must be better than this.
291
00:18:55,967 --> 00:19:00,802
The dolphins may be in charge
of people in a human being-atarium.
292
00:19:00,887 --> 00:19:02,878
I just want to find out.
293
00:19:02,967 --> 00:19:05,845
(EXPL0Sl0N)
What was that?!
294
00:19:18,527 --> 00:19:21,599
- What was that?
- Brace yourself for a shock.
295
00:19:21,687 --> 00:19:23,678
- I just saw you die.
- What?
296
00:19:23,767 --> 00:19:25,758
I did warn you to brace yourself.
297
00:19:26,007 --> 00:19:29,044
- You didn't give me a chance.
- I gave you ample bracing time.
298
00:19:29,127 --> 00:19:31,277
You didn't... you didn't even pause.
299
00:19:31,447 --> 00:19:34,200
I'm sorry. I've just had a rather nasty experience.
300
00:19:34,327 --> 00:19:39,401
I've just seen someone I know
die in the most hideous way!
301
00:19:40,287 --> 00:19:43,324
- Yeah, me!
- You were fiddling with a navicomp...
302
00:19:43,407 --> 00:19:45,841
I don't wanna know. I don't wanna know.
303
00:19:46,007 --> 00:19:49,397
- You don't want to know?
- No! Was it quick?
304
00:19:49,847 --> 00:19:52,839
Well, I wouldn't say it was super-fast.
305
00:19:52,927 --> 00:19:56,966
Not if you count the thrashing around
and agonised squealing.
306
00:19:57,047 --> 00:20:01,484
- You're loving this, aren't you?
- What a horrible thing to say.
307
00:20:01,647 --> 00:20:03,717
- It was definitely me?
- 0h, yes.
308
00:20:03,887 --> 00:20:06,117
I don't wanna know.
309
00:20:06,207 --> 00:20:08,243
- How old did I look?
- How old are you now?
310
00:20:08,407 --> 00:20:11,877
- 25. How old did I look?
- Mid-twenties.
311
00:20:11,967 --> 00:20:16,006
Smeg! I'm not ready.
I'm not smegging ready!
312
00:20:16,167 --> 00:20:17,805
You did seem surprised.
313
00:20:19,127 --> 00:20:21,516
Did you actually see me face?
314
00:20:21,687 --> 00:20:24,076
You were wearing a hat, but it was you.
315
00:20:24,247 --> 00:20:27,205
I won't wear a hat and it can't happen. Can it?
316
00:20:27,327 --> 00:20:30,364
- I can live without a hat.
- Lister, it has happened.
317
00:20:30,447 --> 00:20:33,280
You can't change it any more
than change what you had for breakfast.
318
00:20:33,447 --> 00:20:37,235
It hasn't happened. It has will
have going to have happened,
319
00:20:37,327 --> 00:20:41,684
happened but it hasn't actually
happened, happened yet, actually.
320
00:20:41,887 --> 00:20:45,960
Poppycock. It will be happened,
it shall be going to be happening,
321
00:20:46,047 --> 00:20:49,881
it will be wasn't, could -
will have been taken place in the future.
322
00:20:49,967 --> 00:20:53,198
Simple as that. You bucket's been kicked, baby.
323
00:20:54,207 --> 00:20:58,325
- Says you.
- Says me and Albert Einstein.
324
00:20:58,407 --> 00:21:00,762
Albo and I agree on this one -
325
00:21:00,847 --> 00:21:02,758
the Theory of Relativity.
326
00:21:02,927 --> 00:21:04,918
All right. 0K. 0K.
327
00:21:05,407 --> 00:21:09,844
Right. The Cat broke his tooth
in a future echo, right?
328
00:21:09,927 --> 00:21:12,566
- If I can stop him...
- Can't be done.
329
00:21:12,647 --> 00:21:15,366
- I can stop me from dying.
- Can't be done.
330
00:21:15,447 --> 00:21:17,438
How would a cat break his tooth?
331
00:21:17,527 --> 00:21:23,045
- (HUMS FUNERAL MARCH)
- By eating something... hard.
332
00:21:24,487 --> 00:21:27,524
My robot goldfish! Eating my robot goldfish.
333
00:21:27,607 --> 00:21:30,644
- Holly, where's the Cat?
- Going into your sleeping quarters.
334
00:21:30,727 --> 00:21:32,718
0h, Smegging Hell!
335
00:21:34,647 --> 00:21:37,844
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm back. Feeling good.
336
00:21:39,127 --> 00:21:41,277
How am I looking?
337
00:21:44,247 --> 00:21:46,397
Go-oo-od.
338
00:21:46,487 --> 00:21:49,320
I wish I was someone else, then I could kiss me.
339
00:21:49,887 --> 00:21:53,038
I think I'll investigate... these!
340
00:21:54,127 --> 00:21:57,324
No. I just ate. Well, one little fishy...
341
00:21:57,407 --> 00:22:00,638
Yeah, yeah, I'm gonna eat you,
little fishy...
342
00:22:00,727 --> 00:22:03,764
I'm gonna eat you, little fishy
343
00:22:03,847 --> 00:22:06,680
0h-eeh-oh...
344
00:22:06,767 --> 00:22:09,361
Yeah, I got you!
345
00:22:09,447 --> 00:22:11,438
I'm gonna... errgh.
346
00:22:13,767 --> 00:22:16,804
I got the fish, I'm not gonna die.
I'm not gonna die.
347
00:22:16,887 --> 00:22:19,082
Crazy monkey! You creased my suit.
348
00:22:19,167 --> 00:22:23,843
My tooth! My tooth! I think I've lost my tooth.
349
00:22:27,767 --> 00:22:32,079
Lister, allow me to be the first
to offer my commiserations.
350
00:22:34,247 --> 00:22:36,841
You're really loving this, aren't ya?
351
00:22:37,167 --> 00:22:40,398
"Death isn't the handicap
it used to be in the olden days"!
352
00:22:40,487 --> 00:22:43,559
"It doesn't screw your career up
in the way it used to"!
353
00:22:43,647 --> 00:22:46,719
Right. There's always some good
in every situation.
354
00:22:46,807 --> 00:22:51,801
Absolutely. You are about to do
the largest splits in your life.
355
00:22:52,087 --> 00:22:55,079
- I get blown up, then?
- Bits of you do.
356
00:22:56,327 --> 00:23:00,605
It's not fair. There's loads of things
I've never done.
357
00:23:01,207 --> 00:23:04,119
Like... I've never had a prawn vindaloo.
358
00:23:04,767 --> 00:23:07,725
And I've never read... a book.
359
00:23:08,727 --> 00:23:10,957
And I wanted to have a family.
360
00:23:11,047 --> 00:23:15,359
And loads of practise on the things
you've to do to get a family.
361
00:23:16,767 --> 00:23:21,682
Holly, I'd like to send
an internal memo. Black border.
362
00:23:21,767 --> 00:23:24,440
Begins: "To Dave Lister,
363
00:23:24,527 --> 00:23:27,121
"condolences on your passing away."
364
00:23:27,207 --> 00:23:30,916
What's that poem? "Now, weary traveller,
365
00:23:31,007 --> 00:23:35,603
"rest your head, for just like me,
you're utterly dead."
366
00:23:36,567 --> 00:23:40,640
Emergency. Emergency.There's an emergency going on.
367
00:23:40,807 --> 00:23:44,038
- What is it, Hol?
- There's an emergency, Dave.
368
00:23:44,127 --> 00:23:47,881
The navicomp's overheating.I need your help in the Drive Room.
369
00:23:47,967 --> 00:23:51,755
- 0ooh-ooh-ooh.
- Come in 169, your time is up.
370
00:23:52,167 --> 00:23:55,876
- 0K. What was I wearing?
- That jacket and red Tee shirt.
371
00:23:58,407 --> 00:24:02,923
You said yourself I can't stop it.
Let's get it over with.
372
00:24:03,007 --> 00:24:05,123
Lister, what's that for?
373
00:24:05,327 --> 00:24:08,160
I'm going out as I came in,
screaming and kicking.
374
00:24:08,247 --> 00:24:10,442
You can't whack Death on the head.
375
00:24:11,087 --> 00:24:13,999
If he comes near me,
I'm gonna rip his nipples off.
376
00:24:27,767 --> 00:24:30,884
It can't cope with the influxof data at light speed, Dave.
377
00:24:30,967 --> 00:24:33,481
Hook it up to the drive computer for me?
378
00:24:49,447 --> 00:24:52,166
Six...
379
00:24:52,247 --> 00:24:54,397
Five...
380
00:24:57,567 --> 00:24:59,603
Four...
381
00:25:00,007 --> 00:25:01,998
Three...
382
00:25:05,087 --> 00:25:07,078
Two...
383
00:25:07,367 --> 00:25:11,076
Aaaaaaaaaah! 0ne...
384
00:25:13,047 --> 00:25:16,039
I did it! I'm not going to die.
385
00:25:16,127 --> 00:25:19,676
- Aaaaaaaaaah!
- Aaaaaaaah. Dog attack.
386
00:25:27,007 --> 00:25:29,601
- Why are you so chirpy.
- I'm alive.
387
00:25:29,687 --> 00:25:31,996
For how long? It may happen tomorrow.
388
00:25:32,087 --> 00:25:35,284
- Maybe it won't happen at all.
- I saw it. I'm sure it was you.
389
00:25:38,927 --> 00:25:43,045
Hello, Dave. This is me. I mean you.
390
00:25:43,127 --> 00:25:48,440
I mean, I am you. This is you aged 171, Dave.
391
00:25:48,527 --> 00:25:52,440
I know you're there,
because when I was your age,
392
00:25:52,527 --> 00:25:56,884
I saw me at my age telling you
what I'm about to tell you,
393
00:25:57,687 --> 00:26:00,997
and you've got to tell you,
when you get to be me.
394
00:26:01,527 --> 00:26:04,758
- I'm glad you've got your marbles.
- Shhhhh!
395
00:26:04,927 --> 00:26:07,566
I've got to tell you about Bexley.
396
00:26:07,767 --> 00:26:11,077
- Who's Bexley?
- I wanted to call my second son "Bexley",
397
00:26:11,167 --> 00:26:13,761
- after jim Bexley Speed.
- Your second son?
398
00:26:13,847 --> 00:26:16,964
- What about your first son?
- Jim! After jim Bexley Speed.
399
00:26:17,127 --> 00:26:20,756
It wasn't you Rimmer saw
in the Drive Room, it was Bexley.
400
00:26:20,927 --> 00:26:22,883
Rimmer, you saw me son die!
401
00:26:23,367 --> 00:26:26,643
Never mind this tott! What about me, old man?
402
00:26:26,727 --> 00:26:29,844
What happens to me? Do I become an officer?
403
00:26:29,927 --> 00:26:32,236
I'm to have two sons! Fantastic.
404
00:26:32,327 --> 00:26:34,602
- But one dies.
- Everybody dies.
405
00:26:34,687 --> 00:26:38,839
You're born, you die. The middle bit
is "life", and that's still to come.
406
00:26:39,007 --> 00:26:41,760
Get your camera. You haven't much time.
407
00:26:41,927 --> 00:26:45,158
Get your camera
and run to the medical unit. Run!
408
00:26:46,847 --> 00:26:49,042
What about me? What happens?
409
00:26:49,167 --> 00:26:51,601
He can't hear us, he's from the future.
410
00:26:51,687 --> 00:26:54,679
Ah, if I ask you now, you can remember it,
411
00:26:54,767 --> 00:26:56,962
and when you're him, and you can tell me.
412
00:26:57,047 --> 00:26:58,685
Boss thinking!
413
00:26:59,527 --> 00:27:02,599
Rimmer, you wanted to know
what happened to you.
414
00:27:02,687 --> 00:27:07,556
- Come closer, come closer still.
- Yes. Yes.
415
00:27:07,647 --> 00:27:10,480
- Heh, heh, heh.
- You goit.
416
00:27:10,887 --> 00:27:15,677
No, you goit. I'm surrounded by goits.
Holly, you're a goit.
417
00:27:15,847 --> 00:27:17,838
- I'm a what?
- You heard!
418
00:27:18,007 --> 00:27:21,841
What's happening, Hol?
Are we going to see my funeral?
419
00:27:21,927 --> 00:27:26,682
The faster we go, the more into the futurethe future echoes are.
420
00:27:26,767 --> 00:27:29,281
And now, since we've started to slow down,
421
00:27:29,367 --> 00:27:32,404
the future echoes are nearer to the present.Clear?
422
00:27:32,487 --> 00:27:34,842
- No.
- Tough.
423
00:27:38,567 --> 00:27:42,719
Wait a minute. I don't understand
how you're supposed to get two sons,
424
00:27:42,807 --> 00:27:45,605
- without a woman on the ship.
- Neither do I.
425
00:27:45,687 --> 00:27:47,962
It'll be a laugh finding out.
426
00:27:49,367 --> 00:27:52,279
I can't see you, but I know you can see me.
427
00:27:52,367 --> 00:27:54,403
I'd like you to meet your two sons.
428
00:27:54,487 --> 00:27:58,799
This is jim and this is Bexley.
Stop crying and say "cheese", boys.
429
00:28:02,447 --> 00:28:06,884
It's cold outside
There's no kind of atmosphere.
430
00:28:06,967 --> 00:28:10,084
I'm all alone, more or less
431
00:28:10,167 --> 00:28:13,159
Let me fly, far away from here
432
00:28:13,247 --> 00:28:16,284
Fun, fun, fun
433
00:28:16,367 --> 00:28:19,404
In the sun, sun, sun
434
00:28:19,487 --> 00:28:23,446
I want to lie, shipwrecked and comatose
435
00:28:23,527 --> 00:28:26,485
Drinking fresh mango juice
436
00:28:26,567 --> 00:28:30,003
Goldfish shoals, nibbling at my toes
437
00:28:30,087 --> 00:28:32,885
Fun, fun, fun
438
00:28:32,967 --> 00:28:36,198
In the sun, sun, sun
439
00:28:36,287 --> 00:28:39,324
Fun, fun, fun
440
00:28:39,407 --> 00:28:42,956
In the sun, sun, sun
441
00:28:43,006 --> 00:28:47,556
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