All language subtitles for Family.Guy.S17E13.480p.x264-mSD

♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪

♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

Stone fruit season!

Now, those are
what my granddaddy called

"proposin' peaches."

Don't be shy, now. Dig in.

Whoa-ho!

Here I go.

Don't you do it.
Don't you go to the gross side.

It's out of my control.

They're too... juicy.

We exchanged a look earlier.

We have a grossed-out,
no-fun alliance.

So, you guys like peaches, huh?

- Yeah.
- Hold on.

I need a large pane of glass.

Well, I got her phone number.

How do you like them peaches?

"888-LAP-BAND"?

Covered by most insurance.

Guys, check it out.

In honor of opening day
at Fenway Park this weekend,

the Red Sox are offering
four tickets behind home plate

to the person who makes
the best Red Sox ad.

Oh...

My...

Freaking...

Guys, winning those seats
is our highest priority.

Even higher than my dream
of winning socks-on karate.

Point! Winner!

Ow!

Ah, this is the life.

- Thanks, Peter.
- I still can't believe you won

by filming yourself pooping
in a Yankees helmet.

I am not a subtle filmmaker,

and my audience
wouldn't have it any other way.

Joe, what are you eating
your ice cream out of?

They ran out of those
mini batting helmets,

so they're serving it
in athletic cups.

Did you buy that
from a certified vendor?

He wasn't behind the counter,
but he had a blue shirt on.

I think somebody might be
having a little fun with you.

Yeah, come to think of it,
he did have a friend filming,

and he made me eat the first
seven bites in front of him,

and he didn't charge me
anything.

Do you, uh...

do you want this?

I'll take a bite.

Four beers, please.

Anything else, fellas?

Uh, yeah, I'll have a beer.

Anyone else want another?

Yeah, why not?

- Quagmire?
- I'm good.

I'm good with one more.

- Cleveland?
- I'm fine.

Yeah,
I'm fine with one more, too.

I-I'm gonna take it
with me to the can.

All right, now to have
the only exciting thing

in the game happen
as soon as I turn my back.

Hey, buddy,
that's just a break in the line

so people can pass through.

End of the line's that way.

Yeah, it's all the way
to that guy with the scorebook

just waiting
for someone to talk to.

Don't get used to Benintendi's
two-strike hitting.

His history will tell you
it's not a sustainable pace

for an everyday outfielder.

Aw, screw that.
I'm using the ladies' room.

How bad could it be?

I saw a mouse.

Buddy, if you really gotta go,
you can use that one.

A bathroom for Prince?

I can't use that.
I'm not Prince.

It's not for Prince.

Space Cats?
I'm not a Space Cat.

Sir, I can assure you there's
no such thing as Space Cats.

Now, can you direct me
to Earth's reserve of yarn?

Aw, screw this.

Excuse me, ma'am,
could you direct me

to Earth's reserve
of near-empty tuna tins?

Are you a Space Cat?

- He's been made.
- We've got to call him back.

Psst, psst.

Psst, psst.

Guys! I found the best toilet
in the whole place.

- Next time...
- Peter! You're on the jumbotron!

- Where?
- Right there!

- Here?
- There, Peter, there!

Here? Yes?

It's right in front
of you, Peter!

- Right here?
- CLEVELAND and QUAGMIRE: No!

- Oh, over here?
- Damn it, Peter,

you're gonna miss it!

Is-is this... is this it?

Aha! Where?

Guys, look!
I'm on the jumbotron!

Ladies and gentlemen,

let's give a big Boston welcome
to Peter Griffin,

the fist transgender
Red Sox fan.

Peter, you used
the transgender bathroom,

so now everyone thinks
you're transgender.

Cleveland, what are you eating
your Cracker Jacks out of?

Oh, the guy said they
were out of regular boxes,

- so he gave me this box.
- What did he look like?

Like this.

Hey, that's the ice cream guy!

I got a handful, too, Peter.

You want to see
who can finish faster?

You're on!

It looks like
we've got ourselves

a good old-fashioned
Cracker Jack off.

Good morning, Peter.
We saw the game last night,

and, well,
we just want you to know

that we wholeheartedly support
all transgender people.

- But I'm not...
- Peter, before you say anything

that might clear all this up,
let me tell you

about our stellar transgender
employee benefit package.

Benefits?
I'm trans-listening.

Well, as such, you're entitled
to supplemental time off,

our on-site masseuse

and a $60 gift card
from Nordstrom Rack.

- Nordstrom?!
- Rack.

- Yeah, but Nordstrom!
- Yes, I understand.

But it's just... Rack.

Well, in the words
of trailblazer Caitlyn Jenner,

"I will do anything
for money and attention."

So brave.

Great. We'll send the paperwork
down to your office.

Well, better use
the men's room one last time.

Lot of history in there.

♪ ♪

You.

And you,
the Hungry Hungry Hippo.

You'd always swallow it
before I could see what I did.

And one last look at my crack
imprint on the walk of fame.

God, I remember that day.

I would find out later

that when you put your ass
in wet cement,

you're just
sealing it shut forever.

Best they could do
was poke holes in it

so it comes out
like Play-Doh spaghetti.

Anyway, that's the first act.

Peter, pretending to be
transgender to get time off work

trivializes a real struggle
in this country.

Did the... did the Space Cats
get to you?

I don't know what that is,
but you gotta knock this off.

And direct me to Earth's reserve
of sun-dappled window seats.

Lois is right, Peter.

Besides the fact that
you're lying to your employers,

you're taking advantage
of a civil liberty

that so many oppressed people

have fought
their entire lives for.

Shut your mouth, Brian.
I'm part of a movement.

Hey, what is
"transgender," anyway?

Is that the stuff
in potato chips

that makes your bum go bam?

It-it's pointless
arguing with you.

Cool. Now, in order
to pull this off,

I'm gonna have to look the part.

Lois, which dress may I borrow?

None! My closet is off-limits!

Fine. There's got to be
something in the attic.

I can't even begin to describe
the density of illness

I feel in my bone marrow
right now.

That is... that is
how appalled I am by this.

- Other guys?
- Sorry, Peter.

I don't see you getting away
with this one.

Look, Peter,
the good news is

you still fit
in your wife's wedding gown.

Not every guy can say that.

It's actually Meg's.
She commits murders in it.

What's this, now?

That's just it, Peter, this
whole thing is a joke to you.

Are you forgetting
I have a dad who's a woman?

No, of course not.
That's the first thing

everyone thinks of
when they see you.

But th-this isn't like that.

And I thought you guys
would support me.

Like we all supported Joe
on that road trip.

- Boy, I am stuffed.
- Oh, I forgot to mention,

one of you guys
has to be in charge

of changing my diaper
the whole trip.

Why don't we all
just switch off?

Oh, there will be other jobs
for other people.

Okay, I guess we should,
like, draw straws or something.

Actually,
I've been observing all of you

for the past few hours,
and I choose Quagmire.

- What?! Why me?
- You've got long fingers.

And I feel like
you wouldn't crack

if things start to go south.

Fine.
How do I know when it's time?

Well, I'll turn to you,
very sincerely,

and I'll look you
right in your eyes,

and I'll say,
"Quagmire, I've got poopies."

Ugh.

Now, Quagmire, I've...

- You got poopies. I know.
- No!

You're supposed
to let me say it!

Quagmire...

I've got poopies.

- Dad!
- Dad!

How goes the transition,
Mr. Griffin?

Like Huma Abedin, I'm trying
to forget about my Weiner.

Whoa, we're doing Cheers,
not Frasier.

Tough day, Dad?

I don't get it.
How does Rebel Wilson

always look so fetching?

- Does she, though?
- You could be, too,

if you just let
your hair down a little.

Now you just take that beautiful
hair down to the salon,

and you'll be a ten.

On a scale of a billion?

Thanks, Chris.

Thanks for helping me
at 11:30 on a school day.

There was a shooting.

♪ She's an old-time ambassador ♪

♪ Of sweet-talking,
night-walking games ♪

♪ But she's a queen
and such are queens ♪

♪ That your laughter
is sucked in their brains. ♪

I'll take 'em all.

Well, hello.

- Where you going, Dad?
- Out.

Now that I'm living as a woman,
I can say whatever I want to men

and they can't hit me.

Oh, hey, Peter.

Sully could've made it
to an airport.

Hey, you shut your mouth!
That man is a hero!

Ah, ah, ah, ah! Woman.

Well, it's definitely true

that I respect the boundaries
of women.

Oh, hey, Sherry, uh,
just-just get in the fireplace.

I'll-I'll spit down the chimney.

Hey, Joe.
How's the suspension going?

When you get married,

you don't think
you'll be home together all day.

It's, uh... trying.

Who's at the door?

It's my friend!

So, what's up, Peter?

I just wanted to tell you
that I'm the one

who planted the evidence
that got you suspended.

What?! I'm gonna kill you!

Ah, ah, ah! Woman.

Oh, right.

Joe, close the door.

You're letting the bugs in.

Is your daughter
still killing people?

She is.

Hey, Chris Brown.

I just wanted to say
I'm a huge fan of your music.

This is just
gonna make me listen more.

Oh, hey, Ray Rice.

Would you mind pressing "lobby"?

What do you got,
potatoes in your ears?

I said press "lobby"!

Now, Peter, one of the perks
of being a woman

is that you get to go out
and have a white wine,

squeak-fart lunch
with your friends.

Did you hear
Diane's husband left her?

Yeah, you could tell
from the wedding

they were not gonna last.

Oh, it's a shame.
And they have two kids!

Marriage is hard.

Those machines in the ladies'
room don't vend pants, do they?

Don't let 'em take my salad.
I'm still working on it.

♪ ♪

This is so great.
Now that I'm a woman,

I can lean-dance
into anyone's karaoke song.

♪ When you were here before ♪

♪ Couldn't look you
in the eye... ♪

Yeah! It's a work night!

Hey, come on.

Get out of here.

You're ruining
my birthday party.

♪ Your skin makes me cry... ♪

Sing Justin Timberlake!

Come on! I waited an hour
and a half for this!

And, hey, get off that bar!

Why?

Because you're at
Lowfan O'Reilly's.

All right,
where am I on the screen?

Oh. "Float like a feather
in a beautiful world."

Dah, dah, dah. Okay.

♪ Flippin' special ♪

♪ But I'm a creep... ♪

What? What happened?

Ah, I knew you'd catch it.

I'm parting my hair
on the other side now.

Oh, Peter,
thank God you're okay.

Hello, bosses and not my family.

You really gave us
a scare there.

Oh, what do you mean?

Well, you went into a coma

after you were hit in the head
by a fan.

Oh, it was funny.

- And then it wasn't.
- A coma?

Well, I feel tomato now,
beige spots.

And since the company was paying
for your medical care anyway,

we fulfilled your letter
of medical intent

for your sex
reassignment surgery.

- What?
- She's saying that your surgery

to become a woman
was a complete success.

It's much easier going that way,
believe me.

Just a chop and a mop.

Congratulations, Peter.

You're officially a woman.

No...!

That is one nutty hospital.

Peter, I'm sorry this happened,
but it's your own fault.

You should never have pretended
to be someone else.

That's right,
but now that it's done,

maybe I can help you
with the transition.

You know, I've always been a
great supporter of the LGBLT...

- Nope.
- LGTE.

- No.
- GED.

- Unrelated.
- L.I.E.

- The Long Island Expressway?
- NKOTB?

- The wrong stuff, Brian.
- WNBA?

Yes. Yes, WNBA.

Mom, you know,
our world today is filled

with people like Dad trying
to find their identities.

Whether it's cutters,
or people who cut themselves,

or people who drag knives across
their thighs to feel something.

You're right, Meg.

I guess we'll just have
to deal with this,

like when Chris won
that hundred-dollar scratcher

and talked down to everybody.

Your house is so cozy, Joe.

Wish I could get by
with just two bathrooms.

Technically, one and a half.

Leave us alone!

I said, "Leave us alone,"
but deep down,

I respected and even desired
Chris for his success.

It would take
another eight years

before I summoned the courage

to kiss him
at a backyard barbecue,

and from that moment on...

Bonnie! Bonnie!

I've got poopies.

Thank you
for showing me the 90 things

women have to do
before going to bed.

Okay, now quick break
to cry for no reason.

Can we do one last judgmental
scroll through Facebook first?

Of course.

Congratulations,
you went to a dance club.

You know, Peter,
if I didn't know better,

I'd say
you'd been a woman for years.

Now we just drift off to sleep,

thinking about Rick
from Midas Muffler.

I probably won't be able
to sleep

'cause I had two sips of tea
at 3:30 this afternoon.

That's okay, Peter.

You can just read
on an impossibly bright iPad

while I toss and turn
in a pissy way.

You almost done
with the chapter?

Oh, there's no chapters.
It's a Clifford book.

Thank you, young man.

Hey, now that we're all settled
at this table,

you guys want to move outside
'cause it's such a nice day?

Okay, why don't you go save us
a table outside,

and we'll be there soon?

Taken. Sorry.

You know, it's fun back here.

You don't even know
you're in Quahog.

Please don't talk to us.
You're too fat.

You want me
to start a new tab for you?

No, you can just
keep ours going.

Your friends left
the minute you came out here,

and they didn't
pay their indoor tab.

I feel so alone.

And that bitch stole
my hairstyles!

Well, hello.

That's what he said to me!

♪ ♪

Peter?

- Ida?
- Come, sit.

Well, look at you.

Yeah, look at me.

- What's wrong?
- It's a long story.

Yeah, I've heard.

Peter, everything
is gonna be okay.

I promise.

O-Okay.

Now, I'm going
to tell you a story.

When I first met you, Peter,

I was already at the end
of a long journey

to find the courage
to become a woman.

But before that,
I lived for 61 years

as a miserable, miserable man.

I grew up in the small town
of Football, Texas,

and from the age of eight,
I was mercilessly teased

for being different
and "dressing funny."

Then, at the age of 14,
I had an epiphany.

It was so clear.

I was a girl
trapped in a boy's body.

I'm having a hard time focusing
without a drink, but go on.

It took me 47 years from that
day to officially own who I am.

Is there a waiter or...?

In those 47 years, I became
an expert at hiding my secret.

I became a war hero
and raised a family,

but I was dying inside,
and the deeper I buried it,

the more unhappy I became,

and eventually, I even thought
of ending my own life.

But I couldn't do that to Glenn.

I had no idea.

It's clear you had no idea.

You know nothing
about what it means

to feel this struggle.

Yeah, you're right.

I kind of stumbled
into all this,

but you've been dealing with it
your whole life.

Yes, I have, and my story,
to one degree or another,

is every
transgender person's story,

and all those stories
are the price of admission

to finally feeling at peace
with who you are--

a price you never paid.

Ah, I'm so sorry, Ida.

I feel really awful,

and I'm a really bad person
for what I did.

I deserve what happened to me.

Touching story,
other people humans.

Now, could you direct me

to Earth's reserve
of other dog butts?

That's right, that's right.

Everybody natural.

Peter, listen to me.

You were a bad person.

But now you've taken a journey.

It just took becoming a woman
to make you a better man.

But I'll never be
that better man.

I can't afford the surgery
to go back.

I think I might be able
to help you with that, Peter.

- Really?
- Yes.

I've got an idea.

What a day.

Oh, Peter,
you started a Kickstarter.

Not exactly.

Oh, that's... that's not a "K."

Look at that.
You're up to six inches.

That's two inches
past your goal.

It's not important
what the goal was.

What's important is
this community cares.

Congratulations, Mr. Griffin.

Your surgery was a success.

You're a man again.

Sully was a hero!

Well, I'm glad
everything's back to normal.

I'll say.

Dad, you lost a wiener
but came out a winner.

Well, that does it
for our crossover episode.

Thanks for coming,
cast of Bob's Burgers.

We didn't get to do anything.

Show's 22 minutes long.

Not everything
makes it to air.

But, hey, you have the floor

if there's something hilarious
you want to say.

I'll just sit here and be quiet.

Give us two Emmys worth
of amazing.

Maybe a funny burger name? No?

Girl in the bunny ears?

Boy, I love it when characters
are expressed by props.

I kind of feel like
this is less of a crossover

and more of a roast.

No, a roast is good-natured.