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1
00:00:03,643 --> 00:00:05,393
♫ Wheels on fire
2
00:00:06,643 --> 00:00:11,313
♫ Rolling down the road
3
00:00:12,125 --> 00:00:16,550
♫ Best notify my next of kin
4
00:00:16,765 --> 00:00:22,204
♫ This wheel shall explode ♫
5
00:00:24,965 --> 00:00:27,315
- What is that?
- A Christmas tree.
6
00:00:29,525 --> 00:00:32,336
- Oh, but, darling...
- What?
7
00:00:32,885 --> 00:00:35,485
- Plastique.
- It's vey realistic.
8
00:00:36,600 --> 00:00:40,355
I'm prepared to suspend my disbelief of
Father Chrimbo, but not for that old hairbrush!
9
00:00:41,126 --> 00:00:43,156
- Come on!
- It's ecological.
10
00:00:43,606 --> 00:00:46,447
Until you burn it! Hideous, sweetheart, hideous.
11
00:00:47,700 --> 00:00:51,606
I'm just tying to make it a nice Christmas,
darling, for little Lola and you.
12
00:00:53,700 --> 00:00:55,536
It's my first family Christmas at home, sweetheart.
13
00:00:58,526 --> 00:00:59,926
Anyway, I've...
14
00:01:01,688 --> 00:01:03,298
- What have you done?
- Nothing.
15
00:01:03,688 --> 00:01:06,770
-(BUZZING)
- It's a surprise! You can't see it yet!
16
00:01:06,568 --> 00:01:09,687
- It's a surprise, it's a surprise.
- Let me in!
17
00:01:10,288 --> 00:01:12,247
(ELECTRICAL SAW BUZZES)
18
00:01:17,569 --> 00:01:21,259
There you go. Had to take the top off to fit it in.
19
00:01:21,929 --> 00:01:24,459
- Thank you. Cheers.
- Yeah. See you, then.
20
00:01:25,369 --> 00:01:28,690
God, it didn't look that big in the forest.
21
00:01:28,608 --> 00:01:30,569
Where is it from? It's disgusting!
22
00:01:31,900 --> 00:01:34,378
It's from special Greenpeace
and Friends of the Earth recyc...
23
00:01:37,810 --> 00:01:43,430
Scandinavia. Anyway, it would have ended up
as cheap furniture in IKEA if it wasn't here!
24
00:01:45,249 --> 00:01:47,710
It looked quite small from the helicopter!
25
00:01:48,850 --> 00:01:52,499
- Get it out!
- Can't, darling. Man's taken crane away now.
26
00:01:53,170 --> 00:01:54,991
- Eddie! Eddie!
- Is that Pats?
27
00:01:55,410 --> 00:01:57,550
- Eddie, where are you?
- Pats!
28
00:01:58,571 --> 00:02:02,360
Follow my voice, darling. Hello, hello, hello!
29
00:02:03,500 --> 00:02:05,151
Sweetheart! Patsy, darling!
30
00:02:05,611 --> 00:02:07,152
Eddie, where have I been?
31
00:02:07,531 --> 00:02:10,721
They must've picked you up on the way in.
Fantastic, isn't it?
32
00:02:11,332 --> 00:02:14,100
- Oh, look, squirrel, squirrel!
- Squirrel!
33
00:02:17,212 --> 00:02:21,251
- Well, that's realistic, darling.
- Mum, come downstairs. I need to talk to you.
34
00:02:22,933 --> 00:02:25,143
Nightmare in Gucci and Prada!
35
00:02:27,732 --> 00:02:29,942
It's become... Oh, thank you.
36
00:02:30,412 --> 00:02:33,743
It's become SO common.
I blame Martine McCutcheon.
37
00:02:34,373 --> 00:02:37,252
- Yes.
- You have to queue to get in.
38
00:02:37,813 --> 00:02:40,933
Then it's like Petticoat Lane!
Shouting and chewing!
39
00:02:41,533 --> 00:02:44,344
"Oi, Tracy! How do I look?
40
00:02:44,894 --> 00:02:48,964
"Pass us a couple of belts, will you,
and a Gucci shoehorn!"
41
00:02:49,693 --> 00:02:53,663
Oh, so vey, vey common! Lost all its chic.
42
00:02:54,374 --> 00:02:58,554
Honestly, one trip down Bond Street,
suddenly she's a duchess!
43
00:02:59,294 --> 00:03:03,794
- What did you get?
- Whatever I could rip from a Sharon's grasp.
44
00:03:04,574 --> 00:03:06,965
- Please don't send me there again!
- I won't!
45
00:03:07,454 --> 00:03:10,474
- I've got to go and see Saffy.
- I'll come with you.
46
00:03:11,550 --> 00:03:14,400
- No, you don't have to.
- No, I'll come with you.
47
00:03:14,575 --> 00:03:16,535
Ugh! Bollinger!
48
00:03:18,575 --> 00:03:20,255
Well, I suppose if I must.
49
00:03:22,896 --> 00:03:27,985
I don't mind Tiffany's, though I did see
Amanda Holden in there sniffing around.
50
00:03:28,856 --> 00:03:31,527
New wealth. So vey, vey common.
51
00:03:33,576 --> 00:03:35,467
Listen. (HUMS TUNELESSLY)
52
00:03:38,736 --> 00:03:41,196
♫ Ahhh ahhh ahhh ahh ahh-ah! ♫
53
00:03:42,777 --> 00:03:45,967
Mum, I need that room tidy.
We're eating in there tomorrow.
54
00:03:46,577 --> 00:03:51,248
- It will be tidy. I've only got to do my wrapping.
- Eddie, Eddie, Eddie, whoa-a-a!
55
00:03:53,137 --> 00:03:54,887
Sit down.
56
00:03:58,658 --> 00:04:02,767
I'm not angry. I know what you're tying to do.
It's just too much.
57
00:04:03,499 --> 00:04:06,869
The reason I like the plastic tree
is because it's OURS.
58
00:04:07,499 --> 00:04:10,198
Every year we get it out. It's like an old friend.
59
00:04:10,738 --> 00:04:14,529
I know it doesn't look good,
but it's special, and each decoration...
60
00:04:15,219 --> 00:04:18,169
It just could be so much nicer,
don't you understand?
61
00:04:18,740 --> 00:04:20,630
- We do Christmas every year.
- Yes.
62
00:04:21,600 --> 00:04:26,329
We have our way of doing it. You can't come
in here and dynamite away our local culture.
63
00:04:27,219 --> 00:04:30,769
Where have we gone now?
Where are we in the world?
64
00:04:31,420 --> 00:04:33,449
- You have to be sensitive.
- I am!
65
00:04:33,900 --> 00:04:38,710
Mum, Christmas is always the same. We do
the same things at the same times. It's lovely.
66
00:04:40,621 --> 00:04:44,760
- It could be so much better, darling.
- Only in your terms.
67
00:04:45,501 --> 00:04:49,330
All right, all right. What is it you do?
What's happened here?
68
00:04:50,210 --> 00:04:52,831
Well, today I start the stuffing for the turkey.
69
00:04:53,382 --> 00:04:55,942
- But I...
- No, I cancelled the caterers.
70
00:04:56,461 --> 00:05:00,672
Oh, darling! I was going to save you
all this work, sweetheart.
71
00:05:01,422 --> 00:05:03,951
We want to do it. We like doing it.
72
00:05:04,461 --> 00:05:10,612
You can have a good time and do the work.
Doing it IS having a good time. Here, help me.
73
00:05:16,823 --> 00:05:18,820
Don't!
74
00:05:18,983 --> 00:05:21,722
- It's raw sausage meat!
- It's quite nice.
75
00:05:25,223 --> 00:05:29,963
There was always more stuffing in your mother
at Christmas than there was in the turkey.
76
00:05:32,984 --> 00:05:35,653
Christmas is about doing things.
77
00:05:36,184 --> 00:05:39,763
When you have the meal,
it tastes better because you've done it yourself.
78
00:05:40,425 --> 00:05:43,264
That's the theory they have at rehab.
Works for me.
79
00:05:43,825 --> 00:05:48,604
"Would you like a drink?" "Yes." "Pour it yourself."
"Yes, I will. Cheers, sweetie."
80
00:05:51,264 --> 00:05:53,365
Cheers, darling!
81
00:05:53,825 --> 00:05:54,985
Cheers.
82
00:05:56,506 --> 00:05:59,136
Why isn't she doing the stuffing?
She's good at stuffing.
83
00:05:59,665 --> 00:06:04,560
Once she stuffed the turkey with the contents
of her handbag and the Christmas pudding.
84
00:06:04,826 --> 00:06:07,215
Mum, will you stop eating it!
85
00:06:07,705 --> 00:06:12,626
Granddad always put his fake teeth
in the turkey's bottom...
86
00:06:15,507 --> 00:06:17,896
…to make it look as if it was smiling!
87
00:06:26,146 --> 00:06:28,637
"It's Princess Anne," he used to say!
88
00:06:29,787 --> 00:06:31,298
Oh, how we laughed!
89
00:06:34,388 --> 00:06:36,878
Ooh, I wonder where I put them.
90
00:06:39,147 --> 00:06:44,657
♫ Glor-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo-
OOOO-OOOO-OOOO-OOOO-OOO-OOO-OOO...
91
00:06:45,588 --> 00:06:48,259
- Stop now, Mum!
- ♫..ria! ♫
92
00:06:49,708 --> 00:06:52,338
♫ Blah-blah in a-blah-blas! ♫
93
00:06:52,869 --> 00:06:55,358
- Mama singing Christmas songs!
- Yes.
94
00:06:55,869 --> 00:06:58,259
- Eddie, look, is that an atoll?
- What?
95
00:06:58,749 --> 00:07:00,778
- Is that an atoll?
- Yeah, darling.
96
00:07:01,228 --> 00:07:05,619
A finger of sand poking up in the Indian Ocean
has a resort on it!
97
00:07:06,390 --> 00:07:11,450
A nipple of land the size of a coffee table
has a Four Seasons resort on stilts on it!
98
00:07:12,950 --> 00:07:17,760
Two people get in the sea and it's flooded!
You use scuba gear to get to the lobby!
99
00:07:21,470 --> 00:07:23,220
We'll go there next year.
100
00:07:23,631 --> 00:07:25,701
(EDDIE LAUGHS UNCOMFORTABLY)
101
00:07:26,590 --> 00:07:29,150
What exactly is this for and where does it go?
102
00:07:29,670 --> 00:07:31,701
- It goes upstairs, Gran.
- Oh, right.
103
00:07:34,911 --> 00:07:38,392
- So, darling, Father Christmas comes tonight.
- Yes.
104
00:07:39,310 --> 00:07:42,192
We have drinks in the evening, then go to church.
105
00:07:42,791 --> 00:07:45,410
- Yes?
- Then we open stockings next morning.
106
00:07:45,512 --> 00:07:48,771
Father Christmas brings the stockings,
doesn't he, darling?
107
00:07:49,392 --> 00:07:53,410
Because you've never been here,
I've always done my own.
108
00:07:53,712 --> 00:07:57,643
Naughty Father Christmas!
Naughty Father Christmas, darling.
109
00:07:58,352 --> 00:08:02,183
And for lunch, sweetheart?
For Christmas lunch? Who comes to that?
110
00:08:02,873 --> 00:08:06,172
- Well, there will be me and John...
- Is he from Gabon?
111
00:08:08,273 --> 00:08:10,230
- What?
- Is he from Gabon?
112
00:08:10,913 --> 00:08:13,894
- Gabon?
- Yes, is he from Gabon?
113
00:08:14,473 --> 00:08:16,963
- Why are you saying that?
- Gabon.
114
00:08:17,473 --> 00:08:20,454
- Will you stop saying that!
- Ask her if he's from Gabon.
115
00:08:21,330 --> 00:08:22,264
- Is he?
- No.
116
00:08:22,593 --> 00:08:25,574
No, he's not from Gabon, so shut up! Shh!
117
00:08:28,755 --> 00:08:32,655
- Darling, Christmas lunch. Who's coming?
- Bo and Marshall.
118
00:08:33,354 --> 00:08:36,374
- Yeah, yeah.
- And Dad and Gran and Jane.
119
00:08:36,955 --> 00:08:38,984
Eddie, Eddie, Eddie, come on!
120
00:08:40,234 --> 00:08:43,425
- You haven't told her, have you?
- It'll all be fine.
121
00:08:44,360 --> 00:08:50,145
- Keep going. Who's coming to Christmas lunch?
- Well, me, John, Dad, Gran, Jane, Bo, Marshall.
122
00:08:51,156 --> 00:08:54,316
- And you!
- Oh, are you inviting me for Christmas lunch?
123
00:08:54,916 --> 00:08:58,495
Oh, Saff's just invited me for Christmas lunch,
darling!
124
00:08:59,157 --> 00:09:02,846
- Saff's just... (WHISPERS) And Patsy!
- What, Eddie?
125
00:09:03,516 --> 00:09:08,606
And Patsy? Oh, darling, you as well, she said!
Invited us to Christmas lunch, darling!
126
00:09:09,476 --> 00:09:12,527
No, Eddie, we're going away!
We always go away!
127
00:09:13,116 --> 00:09:15,470
- Just be here for Christmas...
- No!
128
00:09:15,477 --> 00:09:20,780
Just for little Lola, sweetheart. Just for Lola.
We could just be here for Christmas.
129
00:09:20,877 --> 00:09:23,198
- Couldn't we?
- When were you going to tell her?
130
00:09:23,678 --> 00:09:27,880
- Shut up! I understand this process! Shut up!
- Eddie, I can't!
131
00:09:27,717 --> 00:09:29,467
Give me the ticket!
132
00:09:31,790 --> 00:09:32,829
Haven't got any tickets.
133
00:09:34,478 --> 00:09:36,268
We're staying here for Christmas.
134
00:09:55,999 --> 00:09:57,540
Yeah.
135
00:09:57,920 --> 00:10:01,749
Well, you handled that vey badly,
vey badly, darling.
136
00:10:02,440 --> 00:10:05,249
- Sometimes you beggar belief.
- Yeah, I know.
137
00:10:14,720 --> 00:10:18,411
- Pats...
- I can't, Eddie! I won't! I hate Christmas!
138
00:10:19,761 --> 00:10:24,182
How cruel this time is
with its ghastly pretence of festivity!
139
00:10:24,962 --> 00:10:28,611
-(MOURNFUL MUSIC)
- It's lights twinkling in cruel mockery!
140
00:10:30,202 --> 00:10:32,592
Like the eyes of my Spanish gypsy boy!
141
00:10:34,601 --> 00:10:37,131
(DRUNKENLY) He was too good to me!
142
00:10:39,402 --> 00:10:41,830
Where is he now?
143
00:10:42,963 --> 00:10:46,652
Why am I banished here
with no one to love me?
144
00:10:47,323 --> 00:10:49,492
(YOUNG PATSY) Mother.
145
00:10:49,963 --> 00:10:51,713
Oh, you, Patricia.
146
00:10:53,403 --> 00:10:55,334
What do you want, chit?
147
00:10:55,763 --> 00:10:58,574
I...I...er...I...
148
00:10:59,123 --> 00:11:00,594
What?!
149
00:11:00,964 --> 00:11:05,340
Spit it out! Or I'll wash it down with absinthe!
150
00:11:06,363 --> 00:11:08,464
Happy Christmas.
151
00:11:08,925 --> 00:11:10,185
No!
152
00:11:10,524 --> 00:11:12,874
Why?! Why have you done this?!
153
00:11:14,124 --> 00:11:15,945
It must be kept out!
154
00:11:18,644 --> 00:11:21,175
- We must not let it in!
- (SCRAPES RECORD OFF)
155
00:11:22,445 --> 00:11:24,614
Why have you brought this poison in?!
156
00:11:25,846 --> 00:11:28,235
You are tainted with their gluttony
157
00:11:28,725 --> 00:11:31,495
and...and insincerity
158
00:11:32,460 --> 00:11:34,855
and urbanity and punctilio!
159
00:11:37,405 --> 00:11:38,635
Sorry.
160
00:11:38,966 --> 00:11:43,355
Oh, I lament your pain and your useless pitying!
161
00:11:44,126 --> 00:11:48,376
But I, like a ship at harbour,
too long have been riding my ropes
162
00:11:49,126 --> 00:11:53,307
and now cast off the fetterhood of motherdom!
163
00:11:54,807 --> 00:11:56,486
Where are you going?
164
00:11:58,480 --> 00:12:00,438
I'm going down the Golden Calf
165
00:12:00,928 --> 00:12:04,477
with Paolo and Maris and Lydia
166
00:12:05,127 --> 00:12:06,527
to drink
167
00:12:06,887 --> 00:12:11,680
and to play out the unfinished drama of my soul!
168
00:12:12,647 --> 00:12:14,328
I won't be home!
169
00:12:15,809 --> 00:12:19,809
If Betty-May comes over,
the skinned rabbit is in the kitchen.
170
00:12:30,488 --> 00:12:32,589
- Keep it out!
- Keep it out!
171
00:12:34,810 --> 00:12:40,249
I'll go on my own! I won't have to see your fat
white body in a bikini like a beached whale!
172
00:12:41,170 --> 00:12:42,749
Oh, thank you (!)
173
00:12:47,500 --> 00:12:50,170
- Here we go! Here we go!
- Eddie, Eddie, Eddie...
174
00:12:50,770 --> 00:12:54,490
Oh, yeah. Oh, dear, just leave her, leave her.
175
00:12:55,171 --> 00:12:57,130
I know what she's doing. I know...
176
00:12:57,571 --> 00:13:01,360
You're supposed to be putting them on,
not taking them off!
177
00:13:02,510 --> 00:13:05,740
Christmas comes around so quickly, dear.
It's hard to know where you are.
178
00:13:06,891 --> 00:13:08,852
Just... Go on, scat, scat, scat!
179
00:13:10,452 --> 00:13:14,720
It's supposed to be a Christmas tree,
not the Blair Witch Project!
180
00:13:14,731 --> 00:13:18,452
- Get up there. Put the star on.
- No! I'm no good with heights!
181
00:13:19,131 --> 00:13:23,552
- Get up there now!
- I think I see an eagle circling!
182
00:13:24,333 --> 00:13:27,200
Saff, come on up!
We're putting the star on, darling!
183
00:13:27,532 --> 00:13:31,323
(BLEATS) I'm sc-c-c-cared!
S-c-c-ared! Sc-c-c-cared!
184
00:13:32,120 --> 00:13:35,313
Saff, we're putting the star on the top, darling!
185
00:13:36,412 --> 00:13:39,252
- Oh, my God!
- What's happened to her?
186
00:13:39,814 --> 00:13:44,523
- She's collapsed. It's quite normal.
- Just leave her. Star on top, sweetheart.
187
00:13:45,334 --> 00:13:50,604
I've not been this scared since I lost my teeth
on the Cat and Mouse at Blackpool!
188
00:13:52,294 --> 00:13:55,483
We have to do something. She is vey cold.
189
00:13:56,950 --> 00:13:58,975
- We have to increase her temperature.
- I'll get her a reviver.
190
00:13:59,534 --> 00:14:04,345
If the patient's temperature is too low,
you have to increase it by warming her up.
191
00:14:05,175 --> 00:14:09,914
- Mum, you'll have to take her to hospital.
- No one's finding this funny! Get up!
192
00:14:10,735 --> 00:14:12,135
(SIREN)
193
00:14:15,775 --> 00:14:19,706
- (PARAMEDIC) Patsy, can you hear me?
- What are you giving her there?
194
00:14:20,415 --> 00:14:24,915
What is that? Oxygen? I want that!
She's all right! Pats, Pats, wake up!
195
00:14:25,696 --> 00:14:27,905
We've got to go back. It's Christmas.
196
00:14:28,376 --> 00:14:30,866
Ohhhhhh! Owwwww!
197
00:14:31,376 --> 00:14:34,327
Owwwww! I hurt my head!
198
00:14:34,896 --> 00:14:39,360
I need a stretcher. I want a stretcher like that.
I'm sick, too!
199
00:14:39,776 --> 00:14:43,847
(EDDIE) I want oxygen! I want the oxygen!
(SOBS) Oh, no!
200
00:14:52,617 --> 00:14:55,428
- What's the story here?
- 65-year-old woman collapsed.
201
00:14:55,978 --> 00:14:57,657
I'm 43!
202
00:15:00,859 --> 00:15:03,138
Come back! Follow that trolley!
203
00:15:10,618 --> 00:15:14,758
This is ridiculous! This is stupid!
What is this, Eastern Europe? Ow!
204
00:15:15,499 --> 00:15:18,519
(MUNERS TO HERSELF)
205
00:15:29,860 --> 00:15:33,649
And I'm partial to an injection of adrenalin
straight into the heart.
206
00:15:34,341 --> 00:15:36,660
- That's good to know, Miss Stone.
- Yeah.
207
00:15:40,780 --> 00:15:43,831
- What's the matter with you?
- I dunno. Had a funny turn.
208
00:15:44,420 --> 00:15:47,790
I'd rather be here than having Christmas.
Few days on drugs. Lovely.
209
00:15:48,421 --> 00:15:50,241
- Can I go?
- Pass me my chart.
210
00:15:51,901 --> 00:15:55,452
I'll write down some of the things I must have.
Read off that.
211
00:15:56,102 --> 00:15:59,612
- "Smoking contains benzene, formaldehyde...
- Benzene, formaldehyde.
212
00:16:00,261 --> 00:16:02,932
- Hydrogen cyanide.
- "Hydrogen cyanide."
213
00:16:03,781 --> 00:16:07,612
- Put that back, please.
- I'd stay, but I've got so much to do, you know.
214
00:16:09,823 --> 00:16:11,573
Well, go!
215
00:16:19,703 --> 00:16:23,213
Excuse me. It's just Miss Stone,
she's extremely unwell.
216
00:16:23,864 --> 00:16:27,934
- Yeah, well, I'M unwell!
- Do you know who her next of kin is?
217
00:16:28,663 --> 00:16:32,143
Oh, God, she's got a sister called Jackie.
That's it, that's it!
218
00:16:36,783 --> 00:16:41,383
Cross Patsy off your Christmas lunch list.
They've put her on a bleep machine.
219
00:16:42,185 --> 00:16:44,674
Oh. Sorry.
220
00:16:45,185 --> 00:16:47,715
- Are you really?
- Well, it is Christmas.
221
00:16:48,225 --> 00:16:51,595
- What's that got to do with it?
- Time to forgive and forget.
222
00:16:54,505 --> 00:16:58,226
- I'd better get on with my wrapping.
- Yes, well, don't go over the top.
223
00:16:58,905 --> 00:17:00,696
I haven't gone over the top.
224
00:17:01,106 --> 00:17:03,106
Sweetheart, about little Lola's present.
225
00:17:03,545 --> 00:17:09,125
You know you said Wendy house? Well, darling,
Bubble wondered if that was a Barratt Home.
226
00:17:10,660 --> 00:17:12,415
- No!
- No, I said not.
227
00:17:12,906 --> 00:17:15,537
I said not. I didn't get one. I said no.
228
00:17:18,706 --> 00:17:21,376
What have you got for Mama, darling?
229
00:17:21,906 --> 00:17:24,857
- I'm not telling you.
- Yeah, but if it's...
230
00:17:25,426 --> 00:17:27,146
It's the thought that counts.
231
00:17:27,907 --> 00:17:30,258
It's the thought I'm worried about, darling.
232
00:17:30,748 --> 00:17:33,727
- Because if the thought is Yardley...
- Stop it!
233
00:17:36,308 --> 00:17:40,518
I have over-bought, darling.
There's plenty of stuff in my room upstairs...
234
00:17:41,268 --> 00:17:43,157
Will you just go!
235
00:17:47,628 --> 00:17:52,408
And I don't eat Brussell spouts, remember.
They make me a bit - phtt - you know.
236
00:17:55,690 --> 00:17:58,549
Don't use too much paper.
Don't overlap it. Just make it meet.
237
00:17:59,188 --> 00:18:01,438
- Ah-ah-ah!
- Scrooge!
238
00:18:01,909 --> 00:18:04,959
Don't use too much of that ribbon either.
It's expensive.
239
00:18:05,550 --> 00:18:08,810
Oh, look at it. I don't want to give all this away.
240
00:18:09,429 --> 00:18:11,679
- Who did I buy that for?
- The old woman.
241
00:18:12,149 --> 00:18:13,830
Oh, my mother.
242
00:18:15,750 --> 00:18:18,909
It's a bit big, isn't it? That scarf, a bit big for her.
243
00:18:19,511 --> 00:18:21,791
She won't want all that now, will she?
244
00:18:23,751 --> 00:18:26,630
- She won't want it all now.
- Common miserly.
245
00:18:27,190 --> 00:18:29,541
Save the rest for next year. Just wrap that.
246
00:18:35,391 --> 00:18:37,491
Merry Christmas,
247
00:18:37,951 --> 00:18:41,532
I suppose, are appropriate words to use
for this time of year.
248
00:18:42,191 --> 00:18:47,282
No. She's in a coma, you fool. Anyway,
Patsy doesn't do Christmas. Didn't you know?
249
00:18:48,151 --> 00:18:49,762
Yes.
250
00:18:50,152 --> 00:18:54,722
"Are you vey ill?"
is the next subject that springs to mind.
251
00:18:55,513 --> 00:18:57,530
- No, she's...
- Hello.
252
00:18:57,432 --> 00:19:00,172
- oh.
- She's having a rest.
253
00:19:00,712 --> 00:19:02,293
- Recuperation.
- Wecupewation.
254
00:19:02,672 --> 00:19:06,222
That's quite hard for you to say, isn't it?
Say it again.
255
00:19:07,594 --> 00:19:09,314
- Wecupewation.
- Again!
256
00:19:09,713 --> 00:19:13,504
- What are you doing here?
- I bought you a small gift.
257
00:19:14,193 --> 00:19:18,334
- Oh, yes, it's from both of us. What is it?
- It's nothing.
258
00:19:19,740 --> 00:19:22,483
- Go on, open it. It's a trifle, a trinket.
- No, really, it's nothing.
259
00:19:23,115 --> 00:19:25,394
Open it now. It's from me, mainly.
260
00:19:28,394 --> 00:19:30,884
I told you. Just some lovely packaging.
261
00:19:31,394 --> 00:19:33,394
- Turn up that drip.
- I'll do it!
262
00:19:36,154 --> 00:19:38,434
oh. oh!
263
00:19:38,915 --> 00:19:42,360
- ohh!
- You couldn't possibly understand them.
264
00:19:46,116 --> 00:19:48,215
(CONTINUOUS BEEP)
265
00:19:52,435 --> 00:19:54,366
Let's shock her.
266
00:19:54,796 --> 00:19:56,895
Give me 2OO, Nurse.
267
00:19:57,357 --> 00:19:59,527
Charging. Stand clear.
268
00:20:01,517 --> 00:20:03,307
No, nothing. 36O.
269
00:20:03,716 --> 00:20:05,436
Charging. Stand clear.
270
00:20:07,357 --> 00:20:08,797
Hold it.
271
00:20:10,436 --> 00:20:12,537
Oh, that was fantastic!
272
00:20:15,917 --> 00:20:20,308
- You'll get more than a hamper this year.
- There's nothing wrong with a hamper.
273
00:20:21,780 --> 00:20:24,128
If you like anchovies,
potted meat and thick-cut marmalade.
274
00:20:24,717 --> 00:20:29,497
It's as if they scrape everything up that won't
ever be sold and put it in a Christmas hamp...
275
00:20:31,198 --> 00:20:35,908
- We're always vey grateful for the thought.
- I blistered my lip with all my wrapping.
276
00:20:36,718 --> 00:20:38,228
- Oh, dear.
- Mm.
277
00:20:39,918 --> 00:20:45,148
Stop shaking everything! Put it down! Shall I
get you a stick and you can beat it to death?
278
00:20:46,600 --> 00:20:51,830
- How did you manage the procreation?
- Well...these things happen.
279
00:20:53,400 --> 00:20:57,249
When you first met her,
did you think that she was a man?
280
00:20:57,999 --> 00:20:59,399
Certainly not.
281
00:20:59,760 --> 00:21:03,800
Because I was wondering,
what do you feel when you look at a man?
282
00:21:04,521 --> 00:21:09,371
- Well, the same as when you look at a woman.
- Well, when I look at a woman,
283
00:21:10,200 --> 00:21:14,450
if she's gorgeous,
then I think about intimate relations.
284
00:21:16,410 --> 00:21:19,591
But when I look at a man,
even if he's gorgeous, nothing.
285
00:21:21,820 --> 00:21:25,262
When I look at Saffron,
I think about maximum intimate relations.
286
00:21:27,201 --> 00:21:30,532
But when I look at her mother, Edininia...
287
00:21:31,161 --> 00:21:32,562
nothing!
288
00:21:34,830 --> 00:21:38,333
I wondered if, when you had intimate relations
with her, you thought she was a man.
289
00:21:39,830 --> 00:21:40,763
That may well explain it.
290
00:21:44,682 --> 00:21:47,843
Darling Saff, I'm bringing in something now,
but it's not for you.
291
00:21:48,442 --> 00:21:50,902
It's coming in now, but it's not for you.
292
00:21:51,403 --> 00:21:56,740
It's not as big as it looks, darling.
It's not as big as it looks, all right, sweetheart?
293
00:21:56,884 --> 00:21:59,344
It's not for you, it's for Lola, darling.
294
00:21:59,844 --> 00:22:03,493
- Listen to that! Jingle bells! It's not a reindeer!
- (BELLS R_NG)
295
00:22:05,300 --> 00:22:08,903
Sweetheart, darling, got a little thing for baby.
Got a little thing for you.
296
00:22:11,244 --> 00:22:14,865
Da-dee! It's for you, sweetheart.
It's a stocking. Is it a stocking?
297
00:22:15,525 --> 00:22:17,525
- Yes.
- Yeah! It's for you, darling.
298
00:22:17,964 --> 00:22:21,724
- Thank you.
- Do you wanna know what's in it? Money!
299
00:22:22,404 --> 00:22:25,815
- It's stuffed with money.
- Has it got a tangerine and a sugar mouse?
300
00:22:29,366 --> 00:22:34,215
- Merry Christmas!
- This is the day that the Lord has made!
301
00:22:40,246 --> 00:22:43,966
Hello, stranger! I hear you're joining us
to celebrate the birth of Christ!
302
00:22:44,646 --> 00:22:47,976
- Amen!
- Don't sit down yet, Marshall. OK, baby.
303
00:22:50,847 --> 00:22:54,746
- So what's happening with you two?
- You haven't gotten our newsletter?
304
00:22:55,446 --> 00:23:00,887
Hi, I'm Bo and this is Marshall. I am so excited!
I cannot wait to share the news of this product!
305
00:23:01,808 --> 00:23:04,618
- Well, what is it, Bo?
- I'll tell ya, Marshall!
306
00:23:05,167 --> 00:23:10,507
Rejoice because finally there is a non-fat
fat-eating product for the faith community!
307
00:23:11,407 --> 00:23:14,288
Hallelujah, Bo! Tell us what you're talking about!
308
00:23:14,849 --> 00:23:18,359
I'm talking about Staylene,
the non-fat fat-eating product system.
309
00:23:19,800 --> 00:23:21,428
- System is a vey important part.
- It sure is!
310
00:23:21,928 --> 00:23:25,188
It is the best non-fat fat-eating system
on the market today.
311
00:23:25,809 --> 00:23:30,379
It is taking the fat out of America, but leaving
the flavour behind! We are helping people!
312
00:23:31,169 --> 00:23:36,189
- How does Staylene work? Is it a miracle?
- Well, thanks for asking. And I think it is.
313
00:23:37,500 --> 00:23:41,790
It's a chemical process prepared by our own
ministry scientists at our laboratories in Ohio.
314
00:23:42,610 --> 00:23:46,999
They explained to me that it is a combination
of tiny sponges and silicone.
315
00:23:47,771 --> 00:23:50,821
The sponges act like God's own angels
sucking up the bad fat
316
00:23:51,410 --> 00:23:54,391
and the silicone eases it gently out of your colon.
317
00:23:55,771 --> 00:24:00,831
Staylene must be safe when science has,
along with the Lord, had a hand in it.
318
00:24:01,690 --> 00:24:03,900
- Amen!
- Whaddaya miKing up there, Bo?
319
00:24:04,372 --> 00:24:06,261
Oh, I'm not miKing, I'm agitating.
320
00:24:06,691 --> 00:24:09,112
Agitating the compound prior to cooking.
321
00:24:09,612 --> 00:24:15,372
Many other non-fat fat-eating products go straight
through your body causing... I can't bear to say it!
322
00:24:16,332 --> 00:24:19,142
Well, I'll say it for ya, Bo. Anal leakage.
323
00:24:20,573 --> 00:24:24,962
But not Staylene, no. It's safe and effective
and it also protects and cleans.
324
00:24:25,732 --> 00:24:29,103
- To prove that... Would you agitate for me?
- Sure, honey.
325
00:24:31,172 --> 00:24:36,752
To prove this, I fed Marshall another fat-eating
product. These were his pants after that day.
326
00:24:37,693 --> 00:24:41,453
These are his underpants after Staylene.
One pair, horribly stained.
327
00:24:42,134 --> 00:24:47,644
The other, fresh as a daisy, as God intended.
Can we celebrate that with a hallelujah?
328
00:24:48,574 --> 00:24:51,663
Hallelujah! We have many testimonials
from satisfied customers!
329
00:24:52,254 --> 00:24:57,345
We sure do. In just three days of eating Staylene,
Philomena Bill enjoyed these miraculous results.
330
00:24:58,214 --> 00:25:01,234
- I think it's her face that's the problem.
- It's pixelated, Bo.
331
00:25:01,815 --> 00:25:06,454
I've been pixelated before I got good with the
Lord! My face never looked like that!
332
00:25:07,254 --> 00:25:12,105
But we are talking about Staylene, God's own
non-fat fat-eating product system. Celebrate!
333
00:25:12,935 --> 00:25:17,185
- An offer that's irresistible!
- Amen! It also removes unwanted body hair!
334
00:25:17,935 --> 00:25:22,576
Show 'em your back! I'm kidding
because I'm crazy! So crazy, I have an offer!
335
00:25:23,376 --> 00:25:27,586
The first ten people who call for our system
will receive a free agitator!
336
00:25:28,337 --> 00:25:30,587
- Steady, Bo!
- I'm gonna do it!
337
00:25:31,570 --> 00:25:34,147
- I'm gonna do it! Amen! Praise Jesus!
- Can you believe this?
338
00:25:35,256 --> 00:25:38,666
We've been in Staylene
since the bottom fell out of the baby business.
339
00:25:39,297 --> 00:25:42,877
Much like the bottom has fallen out of Marshall.
He OD'd on Staylene.
340
00:25:43,538 --> 00:25:47,467
- Yup, once an addict. Couldn't have one cookie.
- Had to have the whole jar!
341
00:25:48,177 --> 00:25:52,108
- Has everyone got a drink?
- Oh, look at her, the hostess (!)
342
00:25:52,818 --> 00:25:54,608
Merry Christmas Eve!
343
00:25:55,257 --> 00:25:57,538
- Saffy.
- Oh, no, Gran.
344
00:25:58,498 --> 00:26:00,248
Happy Christmas Eve!
345
00:26:00,658 --> 00:26:02,518
(FARTS)
346
00:26:02,938 --> 00:26:07,188
Marshall, was that you? OK, upstairs now, mister!
347
00:26:07,938 --> 00:26:10,468
Come on! March, two, three, four!
348
00:26:37,980 --> 00:26:40,371
- Pats.
- Jacks!
349
00:26:43,260 --> 00:26:45,930
- I came as soon as I heard.
- Heard?
350
00:26:46,460 --> 00:26:49,970
No, don't speak. Don't tire yourself.
I can see it's difficult.
351
00:26:50,622 --> 00:26:54,832
The nurses tell me you haven't got long.
Let's make the most of these moments.
352
00:26:55,582 --> 00:26:59,971
- I haven't got long?
- I know, darling. But I'm here. Your sister.
353
00:27:01,582 --> 00:27:04,812
Oh, Patsy, always my favourite.
354
00:27:05,422 --> 00:27:07,772
- Really?
- Oh, yes, darling.
355
00:27:08,262 --> 00:27:10,432
Your protector, friend.
356
00:27:11,502 --> 00:27:15,120
Oh, darling...let's remember the good times, eh?
357
00:27:16,630 --> 00:27:22,212
The old times. Before the birdsong
comes to brighten the mood...
358
00:27:24,463 --> 00:27:27,723
…and the terrible hours are driven away
359
00:27:28,344 --> 00:27:32,384
and the demons creep back into...
wherever you keep your demons!
360
00:27:33,824 --> 00:27:35,404
My pants drawer.
361
00:27:38,585 --> 00:27:41,395
It's... It's nice to have you here.
362
00:27:43,385 --> 00:27:45,345
Yeah, I've been OK, haven't I?
363
00:27:47,905 --> 00:27:50,184
Are you...er...missing Patsy?
364
00:27:50,664 --> 00:27:56,750
Pat... Mm, yes, darling, I am missing Patsy, yeah.
Well, yeah. Yeah!
365
00:27:56,985 --> 00:28:00,425
We can go and see her tomorrow,
take her something.
366
00:28:01,660 --> 00:28:03,735
Just a little thing, darling. Not anything too big.
367
00:28:04,265 --> 00:28:08,406
I think you were right. It's just too much.
Everything's got out of control, hasn't it?
368
00:28:09,147 --> 00:28:13,926
Yes. It's OK this time, Mum. I know you got
carried away. There is a pleasure in giving.
369
00:28:14,746 --> 00:28:16,847
Is there? Yes.
370
00:28:17,946 --> 00:28:20,160
Yeah, there is, darling.
371
00:28:20,466 --> 00:28:22,287
- Goodnight.
- Goodn... Ooh!
372
00:28:28,707 --> 00:28:31,828
- Jacks, I don't remember any good times.
- Yes, darling. Parties!
373
00:28:32,427 --> 00:28:38,368
Remember the party we had when Mother died.
That was a great time. How happy we were.
374
00:28:39,348 --> 00:28:41,308
- And then...
- You married Marcello!
375
00:28:41,747 --> 00:28:44,378
- Don't be...
- I can't remember that! I wasn't there!
376
00:28:44,909 --> 00:28:47,718
- Stop it or I shall fetch the nurse.
- He was mine!
377
00:28:48,268 --> 00:28:51,178
Marcello Agnelli.
He was the only man I ever loved.
378
00:28:51,748 --> 00:28:56,668
- We were meant to be married. You took him!
- How could I take him? He was a grown man!
379
00:28:57,508 --> 00:29:01,198
- You told him I was dead!
- I thought you were dead.
380
00:29:01,870 --> 00:29:04,919
How many people survive a heroin overdose
on that scale?
381
00:29:06,290 --> 00:29:07,919
(QUIETLY) I must've got the purity wrong.
382
00:29:08,350 --> 00:29:11,189
When I came out of the clinic, YOU'D got him.
383
00:29:11,749 --> 00:29:13,429
You stripped him clean!
384
00:29:15,351 --> 00:29:17,170
The lifestyle tired me.
385
00:29:18,551 --> 00:29:22,940
The Learjets, the villas, the yachts, the parents!
386
00:29:24,470 --> 00:29:28,401
My God! Oh, Pats, darling,
I'm so glad we can laugh at it all now.
387
00:29:30,230 --> 00:29:32,831
But, darling, you've been all right.
388
00:29:33,352 --> 00:29:37,491
You've had your job. You're a woman
of means now, which reminds me.
389
00:29:38,592 --> 00:29:43,332
The will. Darling, you've...um...
You've left everything to me.
390
00:29:44,152 --> 00:29:45,342
Will?!
391
00:29:45,671 --> 00:29:51,251
There was some pair of shoes of yours that I like,
so I included those. I can sell the rest.
392
00:29:52,192 --> 00:29:55,313
My cats are going to be so grateful. Sign there.
393
00:29:58,232 --> 00:29:59,982
I hate you!
394
00:30:03,320 --> 00:30:05,133
Ohh, darling!
395
00:30:08,330 --> 00:30:09,294
And now...
396
00:30:12,193 --> 00:30:13,874
..the final pin.
397
00:30:16,554 --> 00:30:19,223
I think I got the purity right this time.
398
00:30:22,994 --> 00:30:28,140
We must get home for present unwrapping.
I don't want to miss it, so we can't stay long.
399
00:30:28,875 --> 00:30:32,424
- Excuse me, who are you here to see?
- Miss Stone.
400
00:30:33,750 --> 00:30:36,835
I'm afraid I have some bad news.
Miss Stone passed away last night.
401
00:30:42,876 --> 00:30:44,485
I got her...
402
00:30:44,876 --> 00:30:47,546
- What did she say?
- Mum, she's dead.
403
00:30:53,475 --> 00:30:54,735
Patsy?
404
00:31:14,477 --> 00:31:17,287
Oh, hi, Eddie. Have you come to take me home?
405
00:31:18,798 --> 00:31:23,608
- What? What?
- Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's Jackie.
406
00:31:24,437 --> 00:31:26,858
She died last night. Heroin overdose.
407
00:31:27,359 --> 00:31:28,728
It's Jacks!
408
00:31:29,790 --> 00:31:33,468
- So, merry Christmas, sweetie!
- Merry Christmas, darling! Merry Christmas!
409
00:31:34,998 --> 00:31:39,690
- Merry Christmas, merry Christmas.
- It's Patsy, darling.
410
00:31:39,799 --> 00:31:41,968
(EDINA LAUGHS JOYFULLY)
411
00:31:46,719 --> 00:31:48,400
Merry Christmas.
412
00:31:48,800 --> 00:31:51,259
(EDINA CHUCKLES) Come on, darling.
413
00:31:52,160 --> 00:31:57,390
- Well, merry Christmas, merry Christmas...
- Will you stop saying merry Christmas?
414
00:31:58,279 --> 00:32:01,900
Too much, always too much.
415
00:32:02,561 --> 00:32:05,440
- This is for you, Saffy.
- Oh, thank you, Gran.
416
00:32:06,000 --> 00:32:08,280
I can't remember what I bought everyone,
417
00:32:08,760 --> 00:32:13,680
but some of you will get cat beds
and the others will get pillow lights.
418
00:32:14,520 --> 00:32:18,980
Ahh, I like it! It's just the ticket!
419
00:32:19,761 --> 00:32:22,152
Dad, what were you thinking?
420
00:32:22,642 --> 00:32:25,201
I don't want to discuss vulgar matters,
421
00:32:25,721 --> 00:32:28,251
but when you are with the other fellow,
422
00:32:28,761 --> 00:32:30,652
what's the procedure?
423
00:32:31,820 --> 00:32:34,312
How do you decide
who is the gentleman and who is the lady?
424
00:32:37,323 --> 00:32:40,692
- Well, I... I'm the lady.
- Oh, you're the lady!
425
00:32:42,762 --> 00:32:45,712
You two really have to stop talking about this now.
426
00:32:46,282 --> 00:32:49,163
If anyone doesn't like my presents
I'll have them back...
427
00:32:49,723 --> 00:32:52,914
- Oh, Mum, I love it!
- Good.
428
00:32:57,124 --> 00:33:00,174
- What's this?
- It's a professional tool kit.
429
00:33:00,763 --> 00:33:03,743
- That you've always wanted?
- How did you guess?
430
00:33:04,324 --> 00:33:08,223
- Eddie, how long does all this go on?
- There's a sort of lunch thing.
431
00:33:08,925 --> 00:33:13,135
I think in the afternoon we can nip down
Annabel's, have a bit of a... (LAUGHS)
432
00:33:13,885 --> 00:33:18,950
- Sweetheart, I've got you a little present.
- Oh, cheers, sweetheart. I got you one.
433
00:33:20,400 --> 00:33:21,544
Happy Christmas!
434
00:33:21,926 --> 00:33:26,636
- Eddie, we will stay for lunch, won't we?
- We'll stay for lunch, we'll stay for lunch.
435
00:33:31,965 --> 00:33:34,245
Cheers to the chef!
436
00:33:34,725 --> 00:33:36,406
(ALL) Cheers!
437
00:33:37,406 --> 00:33:40,846
Er, Mrs M...just a little for me, please.
438
00:34:39,930 --> 00:34:42,290
Oh, I knew this would happen!
439
00:34:44,811 --> 00:34:47,231
♫ Wheels on fire
440
00:34:47,731 --> 00:34:52,470
♫ Rolling down the road
441
00:34:53,291 --> 00:34:57,400
♫ Best notify my next of kin
442
00:34:58,130 --> 00:35:03,751
♫ This wheel shall explode ♫
36812
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