Original subtitles

- I'm Josh, I'm here.

I have no idea what's happening.

I'm in a bathrobe.

I'm shouting like Bill Murray,

and I am ready for whatever you have for me.

- [Vic] Today, we're giving this comedian

a total transformation.

They have no idea who or what they're about to become.

- I'm onto you, all you guys.

- [Vic] Once they see themselves in the mirror,

they'll have to make up a character on the spot,

and then sit down with me for an improvised interview.

- Oh!

- [Vic] This is "Very Important People".

- Can you open your mouth wide?

I'm sorry.

(Josh groans)

- All right, I think I know what we're doing, guys.

I think it's safe to say I'm a vampire.

(Josh chuckles)

Okay, here I come!

(Josh groans)

- [Director] Three, two, one!

- Oh my God! (lighthearted music)

Ah! Why?

Wow, I look like Freddy Krueger's brother.

Wow.

Oh my God.

Unfortunately, it's too...

It's too real.

- [Director] We have another thing for you.

- Oh!

(Josh cackles)

Oh, thank God.

(Josh mock vomits)

I think this is gonna be a

really good time. What do you think?

I agree.

I'm still working on the voice. (hisses)

Yeah, okay, I love spaghetti sauce.

Do you?

Hey, I got a fun story for ya!

One time I fell real hard,

and now I'm a fuckin' poltergeist!

I think that the problem with everybody here

is y'all make me nervous.

Butt out!

I could also just make him German.

You know what I mean? I don't know.

Can you just come over for a second?

(crew laughing) Just come over for a second.

You need to slow your roll.

Okay?

(upbeat music)

(camera shutters snapping)

- We all have a story to tell.

And sometimes, that story needs to be shared with the world.

Good evening, I'm Vic Michaelis,

here with another edition of "Very Important People."

Please, introduce yourself.

- Hi, uh, I am Kepl.

- Kep?

- K-E-P. - K-E-P?

- And a silent L. And this is Dr. Milk.

- Hello, I'm Dr. Milk.

(Kepl laughs) (Tense musical sting)

- Wonderful, Kelpf?

Kelp? - Kepl.

- Kepl. - Kepl.

- Yep.

- Where did this name come from?

How were your parents inspired by this?

- I think it was name that one of my dads

saw on a gravestone.

- I see.

Can I ask, a doctor? A doctor in what?

- Can I take this?

- I wasn't gonna do anything.

- I'm sorry, do you two need a minute?

- No, no, no, no, no.

Excuse me, Vic.

No. So, I'm not a real doctor.

That's just part of the part of the bit.

(Dr. Milk laughs) - Really?

- Yeah, but no.

I'm actually an actor.

- Well, you have a face for it.

(Dr. Milk laughs)

- I know.

- May I ask, how did this come to be?

How did you get together in the first place?

- So, I made him.

It wasn't going too well for me in high school, or in life.

When you find yourself alone, you sort of go,

"I'm gonna, you know,

reach into the old graveyard of vintage shirts and such."

And then the felt, you know, as most adult men have,

big box of felt.

And you kind of go, "I'm gonna make a friend."

- And if I could just chime in just real quick.

Psychologically, what I think Kepl is getting at-

- I was gonna get at what I was getting at, sorry.

- Is that, psychologically, what he's getting at,

is he's going to tell you that I was some sort of a crutch.

I always sort of existed.

You know what I'm saying?

- I can feel that. - I know.

- I can feel that you have been here many lifetimes.

- I can feel that you've been the same.

- Whoop, all right. - Stop!

(Vic laughs)

- Yeah, like, there's kind of a moment here, but-

- So, yeah.

No, what happened was, we still came together,

we start doing our shows at cafes and such.

I'm, you know, intended to be some kind of a joke,

what have you.

And then he ends up being the joke.

- Okay!

(Vic laughs) - He ends up being the joke.

And the rest is sort of history.

- Now, Dr. Milk, Kepl, the reason you're here.

- Yeah.

- My producers found footage from your live show in Omaha.

- Oh boy!

- Yes.

So, I was hoping we could actually roll that clip there.

- Oh, great.

- I think I smell something funny.

Did you fart?

- Yes, yes I did.

I farted on your knee.

(Kepl laughs)

- This guy, Dr. Milk, always farting.

Maybe he's lactose intolerant.

(Kepl chuckles) - I'm not.

- So, do you wanna describe a little bit

about what happened?

- Um, yeah, well, you know,

we were just doing our sort of routine.

- Yeah, as we can see,

sort of starts off looking-

- Awesome!

- Well... (Vic and Kepl laughing)

- It started out pretty awesome, Vic.

- Oh, who's to say?

- And then Mr. Know-it-All...

(Kepl chuckles)

- Dr. Milk.

- You did.

Just decided he would go rogue and did a monologue,

and then everyone's going,

"Ooh, wow, I love that bullshit!"

And-Pardon my fralps.

And yeah.

- And then it sort of took off for me.

- It well, it kind of did, but, you know,

sort of leave your partner behind.

Don't do that.

- Shut up.

Yeah, so it was not great, for him.

But for me, it was wonderful.

- Well, and then as we can see,

just show after show after show here.

- [Dr. Milk] Oh, please do.

- We actually have a clip here from your Chicago show.

- Oh, great, yeah, this is-

- Old Vic.

- Like you?

- Not that old. (chuckles)

Young, actually. - [Dr. Milk] But-

- Pretty young.

- As you all know, my mother left in a Camaro.

And that...

Was what they call triggering.

(Kepl coughs)

(audience cheers)

No, sit!

Please, sit.

- Just absolutely sensational work here.

Wow.

And just standing ovation after standing ovation.

And a little birdie told me

you were actually up for a BAFTA.

And a part written specifically for you.

Is that correct? (Kepl snores)

Not boring, actually. Very exciting.

- Okay. - If you think about it.

And I'm sorry, well, Dr. Milk was doing-

- Succeeding.

- Succ... (Vic chuckles)

As that was happening, what were you up to?

- Oh, sometimes I'll just go to the graveyard,

and I'll go, "Dad, Dad!"

- Are you dating anyone?

Anybody in your love life?

- Oh, it's so good.

Oh, it's so good.

It's like, "Lock up your daughters!"

(Kepl laughs) - Okay.

- You sound like a pervert.

- Yeah, we can't do this, actually.

- Oh, no, I was just telling you-

- Dr. Milk.

- Yeah.

- Did you always wanna be an actor?

- Yes, I always knew.

I always knew.

And you could say, "Oh, he's a puppet."

It's not a puppet.

- I don't think anyone's saying that.

- Good. And I agree.

- I think it's quite obvious.

- I think it's quite obvious you need to pipe.

You need to pipe.

You need to pipe.

- Hey, Cr�pe, if you wanna take a little break-

- It's not possible for him to exist without me.

But- - Excuse me, so...

You know, the great Sam Rockwell

is producing my one man show,

"Not More Than a Puppet, Definitely Not A Human."

- Incredible. - And yet, here we are.

- Can I just chime in too?

- Actually, I'm sorry, what was it?

- Oh, Kepl. - Kirby?

- Krep, Krep. - Oh.

- Why don't we just have you two flip places?

- Oh, right on.

- Do you mind if we just have you flip places?

- So-

- Just sort of plop him on the chair,

and then maybe if you wanna go on the, maybe...

- So...

- And behind, and then down.

- Behind? - And then you just down.

- Oh, that's good.

- Down, and just even a little more if, there.

And I think that's perfect.

How does that work for camera?

- Seems like kind of he's taking the ol' upstage...

(Vic laughs)

- I was just curious,

and I hope this isn't putting you on the spot.

If it is, just let me know.

Maybe, could we see a small selection?

Would we like to see a selection?

(people clapping)

- So yeah, sample from our show-

- I'm sorry, can we just...

And I hate to say it like this,

just shut up for one sec.

- Oh.

- Sorry, Vic, just one moment,

I need to articulate to- - Of course.

- The dullard in the room.

She's asking about my show.

- Oh, your one man-

- Yes, the one man show.

- One moment, ha.

- So, this is a monologue from the show I did.

- And Doctor, please, go ahead.

Take center if you'd like.

- Great.

- Center of the chair, exactly.

Thank you so much.

- Flowers were never my favorite thing.

In fact, I at least hated flowers.

I never wanted to see a flower, see grass ever again,

the day that my mother left.

I'll never forget the sound of the Camaro

ripping down Bushwick Avenue once she did leave.

So then I looked after my brothers and sisters.

And it was the air wafting in with the smell of summer,

where I realized I was never going to be a child again.

(soft piano music)

Scene.

(crew clapping)

- Oh, wow.

- I also know- - Okay, you know what, Curse?

Why don't you just come on and sit down,

'cause you seem like you wanna get in here,

so why don't we get you in here.

- Yeah, thank you, it's good.

- And I'm seeing tears in the eyes of most of the crew here.

Okay.

Kelvin, so what do you do?

- Huh? Oh!

- What do you do?

- Oh, yeah. Tell 'em about all your various talents, Kepl.

- Okay, I have a couple.

I made a gun out of wood.

(Kepl chuckles)

It can't be detected at bus stations.

- You say it can't be detected at bus stations?

- I do a great Neil Diamond.

- You know what? I think that's a wonderful idea.

Why don't we do a little talent show?

Do we wanna see a little Neil Diamond, everyone?

- Oh, oh, no, I don't know.

- No, let's see a little Neil Diamond.

- Well, we will.

- Oh, great, we will.

(calming intermission music)

- Why don't you go ahead and do your impression for us?

- Yeah. Hello, I'm Neil Diamond!

Ah!

- I think he's fuckin' American.

- Uh, my stepdaughter, PA, was able to find the commercial-

- Oh, wow.

- That you were in. - Ah.

- So we would actually like to play that right now.

- Oh, yeah, that's a great one.

Hello, I'm Dr. Milk.

Want to help, but don't know how?

Use Tiddly.

The only way to be connected, better.

- Absolutely incredible.

Do you wanna tell us a little bit about the product?

- Well, it was a 15 day shoot.

- For a commercial?

(Kepl laughs)

Fuck!

- You can tell.

- It was a new social media platform,

created for philanthropy,

to help children around the world.

- Can I be honest?

I had no interest, I saw the commercial, and I did join.

- Wow.

- I did join.

- You joined Tiddly.

- Yeah. - That's wonderful.

- Well, thank you for all of the good work

that you're doing.

And I mean, truly incredible.

And I hear you've also done a campaign.

And so, we have that.

- I sure have!

- We have that queued up right here.

- Hi, this is Kepl.

Do you like guns that aren't made of metal?

Do you want to go to a bus station and don't get caught?

Get Kepl's wooden guns.

We've got balsa wood guns.

We've also got more balsa wood guns.

(Kepl laughs)

Whoa!

Bang, bang!

Kepl's wooden guns.

You can't catch me at a bus station!

Cut.

Okay, end scene.

(intense rock music)

Dad, can you turn off the...

Oh, I don't have to.

- Yikes.

Offensive and scary and low budget.

- Yeah, it was a lot of fun to do.

Shot it on Boost Mobile.

- Kepl, Dr. Milk.

A few rapid fire questions for you two.

- Great. - Great.

- What do you like most about yourself?

- Um, I like to listen with my whole body.

- Uh, I know everything about graveyards,

and I can make a gun you can't find at a bus station.

- Okay, wow. Insightful.

Do you believe in second chances?

- Yes, I do.

- I don't know.

Because one thing I think is stupid about second chances

is the first time they should have said, "I love you."

- Are you all right?

- Yeah, yeah.

- Well, I'm just wondering what's going on

in that head of yours.

- Well, we have the same bank account,

and yet this guy's got more money.

(Kepl and Vic laughing)

- Can you just give me just one moment?

- Of course.

- Um... - Waters?

- I'm gonna need you to stop.

'Cause the thing is, it's sort of...

The thing is, you're sort of, you're taking up-

- No, you're taking up my-My space.

You wouldn't exist.

- I wouldn't exist?

You wouldn't exist without me.

Does Sam Rockwell call you on your Boost Mobile,

or did he intend to call me on his?

- That seems like some kind of a trick question.

- I'm gonna ask you this next question.

All right?

What is the meaning of life?

- I think the meaning of life, Vic, is...

- I'm sorry, I just love the way you say my name.

(Vic chuckles)

- Oh, Vic. - Yeah.

- Vic, Vic Vic. - Yeah, Dr. Milk.

- Vic!

- I'm sorry, I lost my train of thought, sort of-

- What is the meaning of life?

- Thinking about you.

Um...

- Did you say you're thinking about me?

- Sorry, I'm just gonna grab a sip of water.

- Oh yeah, go for it.

- Do you need some help? - Watch this. Watch this.

He can't do it. This is the thing.

This is where we kind of-

- But that's okay, because that is the beauty of it.

We can always get people to help.

- I actually can't. Thank you, Vic.

I'm sorry. - Oh, no, no, no.

Sorry.

- Here, lemme grab your hand.

- Oh, I appreciate it.

Actually, I'd like to grab yours.

- Oh, okay. (tender piano music)

(Vic chuckles) - Oh!

- Oh, sorry, sorry.

- Oh, wow, okay. Get a room!

- Sorry. (Vic and Kepl chuckling)

- No, seriously, get a room.

- We're just-

- Sorry, I'm gonna go back to my seat.

- No, it's okay. - Um, I just...

What was I saying?

Meaning of life.

(Vic chuckles) - Oh, right.

What's the meaning of life to you, Vic?

- You don't wanna know what I think about that.

- No, I would love nothing more.

- Are you serious?

- Yeah.

(soft music) - Well, I-

- I would too, I'd also like-

- Okay, thank you.

I guess if I...

I don't know, if I had to say,

it'd be finding people to live a shared experience with,

would be the meaning of life.

Maybe that's naive and silly and-

- No.

- But that's- - No, no, no, not at all.

- From where I'm sitting, what I would say.

- Not at all. Not at all.

- Dr. Milk, is there anything that you would like to say?

Is there anything you would like to let the people know,

on a global stage here?

- Speaking of global stage,

I'll be at the West End Theater, the A24,

the Cherry Lane and The Langham.

- How many productions are you in right now?

- It's six. We're live streaming ones I'm not doing live.

And the live ones happen one after another in one day.

- Incredible. - So-

- And I am also involved.

- You won't be.

- But, yeah.

- Thank you both so much for being here.

- It was a real pleasure.

- It was fun, it was really fun, when he wasn't talkin'!

(Kepl chuckles)

- But it was a pleasure, Vic.

- Thank you for being here.

- Can I get your number too, after?

- Oh, I'll...

If you want it.

- Or we could connect on Tiddly.

- I follow you already on app.

You don't follow me.

There would be no reason to follow me,

but I follow you.

- And I'll follow you. - Okay.

- Anywhere you go...

? I'll follow you ?

(Vic and Dr. Milk chuckling)

- Hey, I just wanna quickly say, I feel really upstaged.

- I think we can cut.

- And I feel sad, and I feel kind of vulnerable.

I'm actually doing a show, I'm going back to Zerner's.

It's a warehouse, where they have a bunch of old Zeniths.

And it's usually a warehouse,

but they also have food trucks,

and I will be there, just kind of generally walking around.

I don't have an official show, but I am gonna show up,

and I'm just gonna start...

I'll do my monologue too.

- I just don't know-

- I'll do my monologue too.

And I'm going to...

I'm gonna walk around, I'm gonna be like,

"Hey, I love fuckin' spaghetti!"

- I'm sorry, I can't...

And I think we're gonna cut to commercial.

Thank you so much.

(Vic clears throat) (camera shutters snapping)

Chompsky's Potato Chips.

America's crispiest, heartiest and tastiest chip.

(vintage commercial music)

Mm.

(camera shutters snapping)

(chuckles) Well, that is our show.

I'm Vic Michaelis, reminding you to be true to yourself,

unless you'd rather be somebody else.

Goodnight.

So, Doctor, I was just thinking that if you...

Doctor, I was...

Doctor?

Doctor?

Doctor?

(Vic nervously chuckles) (upbeat music)

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