Original subtitles

- Hello!

It's me, Kimia Behpoornia.

I don't know what's gonna happen today,

but I'm here with Jacob Wysocki, so it's gonna be good.

- Wazzup!

(upbeat music)

- [Vic] Today we are giving these comedians

a total transformation.

They have no idea who or what they're about to become.

- What are you doing over here?

- [Vic] Once they see themselves in the mirror,

they'll have to make up a character, on the spot,

and then sit down with me for an improvised interview.

(inaudible)

This is "Very Important People".

- You gotta be loving this at home.

You know what I look like, but I don't. Must be nice.

Hey, Kimia?

- [Kimia] Yeah?

- No matter what happens?

- [Kimia] Yeah?

- We're always gonna be friends.

- [Kimia] Absolutely, man.

- [Director] Three, two, one!

- Oh boy! (laughs)

Wow! - Oh!

- Look at you. - Okay.

- Those are some good- - Very cool.

- Shoes.

Oh, whoa! - Oh no!

- Oh boy! That's what's in there.

(both laughing)

- It's so different than every aspect

that I had imagined and clocked.

I do feel shnaz! I didn't do the 360.

Oh, we both have our little-

- Oh, a little-!

- Love will save you! - We must-

Oh my God! - Step right up,

step right up!

- You gonna see the weirdest things you ever seen!

- We got a guy who swallows beards!

- I don't think it- (laughing) - Okay, all right.

(vocalizing)

- [Both] No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

- Time travelers?

- Yeah, 'cause, like what?

We're, like, the richest people ever.

We afforded time travel back in the day.

- Absolutely.

Would you like us to add another zero to the check?

- Ah, yeah, no one's gonna know

who we is when we pop in there, man.

- Who's these twos? - Who's these two stumps?

- Never seen these twos before. - Ain't never seen

these two dumps before.

- Wallet in my pantaloons- - That's right, that's right.

- Rolex on my wrist.

What year did you die?

- Oh crap, I'm dead?

- High-five! (wooshing)

- Oh these? Oh, these guys in here?

Tomas and Jacques.

- They have the power to fly, but they stick with us.

(upbeat, funky music)

- We all have a story to tell.

And sometimes that story needs to be shared with the world.

Good evening, I'm Vic Michaelis here with another edition

of "Very Important People".

Please introduce yourselves.

- Hello, I'm Zonton de la Doll.

- Bonsoir, Marionette Conqui!

(tense music)

- Okay, so I'm gonna ask one more time. What was your name?

- Zonton. - Zonton?

- Zonton! - Zonton, okay-

- De la Doll. - Zonton de la Doll?

- Oui. - You better remember that

because he is having a hard time remembering.

- What was your name again?

- Marionette Conqui!

- Marionette Conqui. - Marionette Conqui.

- Well, thank you two so much for being here-

- Help her remember!

- I'm sorry?

- Help her remember. - You better remember.

- I better remember?

- She needs help to remember.

- See, you know what would be helpful right now

is some live subtitles, right? (laughs nervously)

- What? - So you two traveled

quite far to be here today, is that correct?

- [Both] Oui.

Where are you coming from?

- The south of France.

- Well, I guess I probably should have guessed that

from the accents, right?

- Hey, you would not know what region of France we are from

unless you do know the accents from different regions

because this is very specific.

- Is there a difference between the northern-?

- [Both] Is there a difference?

(both laughing)

- Absolutely there is.

In the north, they sound like this:

"Hello, we are from France!"

- (high-pitched) Bonsoir, bonjour.

- I see, and then do yours one more time.

- We are from the south. - This is the south

of France. - So it's a pitch thing,

mostly. - Yes.

You are picking up very fast! - You get it.

- Well, thank you. I appreciate that.

So you've come all the way to Los Angeles, California.

- Yes.

- How was the travel? I have to ask.

- We shared one seat! - Lap sitting?

(affirmative French grunting) I see.

- We are used to being next to each other, so close.

- Well, and I'd love to dig into that a little bit more.

You're used to being next to each other?

- Correct! - What do you mean by that?

- We spent most of our lives on a shelf together.

- And why is that?

- Well, can't you tell?

- You're French?

- And we used to be-

- [All] Dolls.

- I see.

I was gonna say that and then I thought maybe it

would be inappropriate to point that out,

so I appreciate you bringing it up.

- It is best to let us lead the way

in that sort of discussion. - That's good.

You do the listening and we tell you and then you learn.

Though, do not make us educate you.

Do you know what I'll say? - I-

- There's a very thin line of, like,

you should know,

and I shouldn't have to tell you,

but you can ask some questions if you're, like,

genuinely curious. - That's right,

but you do research on your own

and then so you bring that to our table

and then we go together- - Well, speaking

of doing research on my own, I know you two

had quite an arduous journey to get here.

Obviously the plane, but there was a lot more involved

in that. A train, at one point.

- Planes, trains.

- Automobile.

- Lakes. - A lake.

- Rivers. - Plateaus.

- Tributaries. - Bridges.

- Springs. - Railways, toll roads.

- One of those scooters when you break your knee

and you scoot around with one good leg.

- We took that from a man.

- So we sort of took a series of modes of transportation

and then also we took a series of,

it sounds like geographic features.

But nonetheless, we're so happy to have you here today.

And why Los Angeles?

- That is where we thought we could find Her.

- Where you thought you could find her?

- Her. - Who is Her?

- The one. - Who is the one?

- The boss woman.

- Who is the boss woman? - She walks around the house

while we sit on the shelf.

- Why does she walk around the house?

- She is the boss woman.

- Why is she the boss?

- She made us.

- She made you.

- Our creator.

- I understand.

- We must find her.

- So you were sort of left in France

and your creator disappeared

and you're here searching for her today?

- [Both] Oui.

- If I might ask the question on everybody's mind,

did we find Her?

(suspenseful music)

- Oh, feel good.

- No, no, we didn't find her. Well, we did find something.

(both gasping)

- She's here? - And that is a series

of your accessories.

I don't know why I lead it in like that and I apologize.

But we do have a series of your accessories that we found

and we have hidden them around the set.

So we thought it'd be a fun little game

if you two find your accessories.

- That was such a cruel trick.

- And I realized that when I said it and I do apologize.

We have taken two of your things

and hidden them around the set.

- Ah, just two things. - Okay, just two,

not too much.

- It's a sort of a segment the producers pitched.

- Oh, is this a prop?

- Do you recognize that?

- Yes, absolutely. - Oh, please play me the song.

(imitating trumpet)

- Absolutely beautiful.

We do have one more prop hidden around the set here.

- Okay, it's hidden? It's not this big canine?

- [Vic] No, that canine is mine.

- Maybe it is the batteries

in the small clock? - It's not the batteries.

That's mine actually and that's sort of a heirloom,

so we're gonna put that down. - Is it here?

- [Vic] Well, how about you take a seat

and maybe I will find your prop for you.

- Thank you so much.

- Oh, look what we found! - Oh boy, oh good!

- Oh! My old lyre.

(lyre strums)

- Oh, that's pretty good, actually.

(vocalizing)

(vocalizing continues)

(trumpet-adjacent noise)

Sort of Jason Mraz-y.

- Mraz-y, that's a French name.

- Jason Mraz! - Is that a French name?

- Where did you find this?

- A little birdie sent them to us.

It wasn't the ones in your hair,

but that is a wonderful point to make.

Alright, so, I'm learning a lot about doll culture here

and I appreciate you two taking the time

to come and introduce this.

So you did just flip instruments here.

(actual trumpet blows)

You are a very talented doll.

- Thank you so much. I can do more than one thing!

- Not me, just the one.

- Just the one? I understand.

So going from being so small to now being human size,

are you finding the adjustment difficult?

- It is a good question. - Oh, it is good question

because it is a lot.

We are walking around and then everybody look at us,

they go like this.

- Sometimes they go like this.

- Or they go like this.

- The one that hurts me the most, they go,

"Huh, strange."

- Then this one is weird, for only to me, they go,

"Hey lady, hey lady!"

What is this? - Isn't that so strange?

- Humans have been quite judgmental towards you two

is what I'm hearing. - Mhmm.

- And how does that feel?

- That is not how Her treats people.

- Her treats people perfectly. - Perfect.

- What are some things you used to like to do with Her?

- Sometimes I remember my little arms

being out and spinning.

- Oh! - So fast and the giggles

and I could hardly see anything. (laughs)

- That was good and sometimes, you know,

she put me in the bed and put my head on the pillow

like I am big human, like I am now.

And she would go, "Goodnight, Marionette Conqui!

Je t'aime!" - Je t'aime.

- So it seems like something has brought you to life.

Do you have any idea how you ended up here?

- No. - No, no.

- We wish we did.

- That would solve a lot of problems for us.

- Now what is the last thing you remember as dolls?

- There was a storm outside and a lightning.

- And it struck exactly the top of our home.

- At midnight.

- And then everything changed.

- I see. So did you make a wish, something like that?

- Did you? - Did you make a wish?

- I'm trying to think. - Did I make a wish?

- This feels so long ago, but it's really

just a couple of weeks- - It does- What's happened,

a couple weeks? - There's so many things.

- Sort of days. - I think maybe I said,

"If I could be big and see Her again..."

- That's right, it was a shk, shk,

and I was like, "Oh!" - What were the exact words

you said?

- The exact words I said was, "I want to be human".

- Mm, I said the same thing!

- You said it? - I said,

"I want to be human."

- So when I asked about sort of a specific wish

or instance, I think maybe something like that

was what I would be referring to there.

Incredible. - You found it!

- Thank you for saying that. - You have a gift!

- Oh, no, I- - You got that out of us.

- Tell that to MSNBC. They don't want me, so-

- Who is this?

- Well, it's a news- - MSNBC, I'll kill you!

- Okay, don't say that.

Because I am still, I mean, this is great.

- Every person on N-M-N-N-S-N-M-S-N-B-C?

- Yeah, no.

- The guillotine!

- We're not threatening anybody at MS,

this is not a threat to anybody at MSNBC.

- It is! - No, it's not!

- Unfortunately, I've never been more serious.

- Now you two have taken the media by storm.

I don't know if you know this. There's a hashtag-

- There was a storm?

- Not a literal- - How bad, how much rain?

- Do I need to take cover? - No, it's, so,

a media storm is a sort of when you set the media on fire!

- Now there's a fire? - Not a fire!

- No, there's not a fire- - [Both] Fire, fire!

- It's not a fire, it's not a fire!

Sit, nope. Stop, no.

It's a sort of an influx

a sudden great gust of posts.

- There are so many fence posts coming for us.

- So many, many people have used a hashtag

to document your trip from France to Los Angeles.

And if we can actually pull that up here,

it is "Homeward Bound" but with dolls this time.

Do you see that?

- This us? - They see us?

- Hello. - Hello!

- Now we can see all of these posts of you

going through America's-

So we hit Times Square, we see you then going down

to Boston and then, from here, just outside of Los Angeles.

It seems like you exclusively stopped

at what we call tourist traps.

- [Zonton] Yes, we saw so many interesting things

on the side of the road!

- [Marionette] Yes, we went to this place.

There is, like, a statue of a troll under a bridge.

- Oh, okay, so another doll.

- Yeah, and we were like, "Hello, are you okay?"

- Do you need help from your friends?

- Do you need help?

- Better hope that one doesn't come to life.

- [Both] Why?

- He should experience life. - Why would you say that?

- Well, it's just trolls are scary, typically.

(speaking gibberish) (hon hon hon-ing)

- Je parle un peu fran�ais.

- Huh?

- I heard on your travels, you two have actually developed

new hobbies outside of each other, is that correct?

- [Both] Oui.

- I've taken up reading poetry.

- Amazing, well, we actually have a video

from an open mic that you did recently

if we wanna go ahead and watch that there.

- Hello, I'd like to read an original poem.

(speaking dramatic "French")

Me knife!

(snapping)

- Yes.

- Groovy stuff.

- You took the words...

And you? - Oh, yes, I do a lot

of latte art.

- Okay, well, that sounds just lovely. It's a real skill.

- Oh, thank you. - A marketable skill

in this environment, I would say.

- Yeah, you'd be surprised.

People don't seem to like what I art on the latt�s.

- And what do you mean by that?

- Their art is some of the most harrowing, dark,

criminal depictions of human struggle and strife.

- Like, spooky art? Like, for Halloween.

- No. - Spooky?

- People love that.

- No, it's not spooky.

Spooky is like, pfft, spooky is nothing.

This is, like, scary.

Like, you receive your coffee

and then immediately you vomit inside into it.

- I think we have a photo of it.

And so, and just go ahead

and click through the content warning there.

- Oh. - Oh, yes.

- It is so hard to look at.

My favorite part is how the things in his stomach

are coming out of the slit in the neck.

- [Marionette] That's right.

- Looks like my dad. (laughs nervously)

(laid-back music)

We have a couple of rapid fire questions

that we ask all of our guests.

- [Both] Fire, fire! - No, it's not fire-

- Everybody's on fire! - It's not fire,

it's not like that.

That's my fault because I did, and now I know.

Rephrasing, we have some quick questions

we're gonna ask you two.

- Okay, sure.

- What did you eat for breakfast?

- Omelet. - Omurice.

- I'm sorry? - Omu-ru-rice.

- Okay, how old are you?

- We have different numbers in France. We measure in crumbs.

- Well if you can do the conversion to human years

for us, that would be

an ideal situation- - Well, I guess

we wouldn't know, right?

- Say about 450, 500 crumbs. - Little crumbs,

which is like- - 450, 500 crumbs?

- Seven and, uh- - It's seven and we

are probably like, you know, so many years

before the crumbs. - 14? 14?

- 1440?

- 14 to 40. - 14 to 40?

- We were made in 1440.

- Do you actually speak French?

- Oui, s�, oui.

- What kind of question is this?

- S�, oui oui!

- Well that was a French word right there.

- This is what they call "got you" journalism.

- Oh, you trying to say, "Oh, they're not from!"

- I bet you want to clip that.

- Oh, maybe we play a tiny little game here,

if we have a second.

So I'll say something and then you say it in French, okay?

- You are too excited. Okay. - Yes, of course!

- So let's start with, "Oh, I'm having so much fun."

(speaking gibberish)

- Why don't we just do something really, really simple.

I'm going to the library today.

�D�nde est� la biblioteca?

- It's not my first language by any means,

but is that not Spanish?

(both humming)

- I think it's French. The words that I say are French.

- Seems like it is French to you.

(both laughing)

- So I'm gonna go ahead and ask a question

I ask all of my guests.

- What is the color you are most afraid of?

- No, that's not the question, but that is a-

- Do you hug soft or hard?

- So once again, I'm gonna ask the questions and you two

are gonna sort of answer- - What is a lunch you feel

like you could not get anymore 'cause you're too old?

- Okay, so that is another question

and I'm gonna be looking for an answer in a moment here.

So keep that energy, all right? What is the meaning of life?

- To find Her.

- She must be found. - We will find her.

- And that's beautiful.

And find your thing,

I guess is- - To be reunited.

- To be reunited with those you love.

- Oui. - We will be so excited.

- We will get played with, our hair will be combed.

- Really incredible.

Well, she cultivated two pretty spectacular dolls

is what I will say.

- Aye!

- It's nice.

- All right, we have a TikTok video

of your announcement to find the creator,

so we're gonna go ahead and take a look at that.

(upbeat music)

- Yeah, someone said this is the only way

to find someone you are looking for.

They call them web sleuths.

- Web sleuths.

- [Marionette] Web sleuths. - Wonderful.

- They will help us find her.

- All right, and, actually, I am so pleased to announce

one of those TikTokkers, KittyCat55, did heed your call

and found a photo of you two with your creator.

So if we can go ahead and pop that on the monitor.

(both sighing)

- There she is!

- Is that her? - This is her!

- It is her! - It is her.

- And she's about 400 crumbs.

- That's right.

- Getting confirmation that this is in fact her,

we have a very special guest here.

- [Both] Could it be?

- You wouldn't trick us again. - Is it her?

Sarah?

Please! - She's here?

- Thank you so much for joining us today-

- Sarah? - Sarah.

- No! - We found her.

- What is this supposed to be? - Is it her?

- Do not say that! - Don't say it!

- Do not say that!

- So Sarah did die in 1987, according to our records.

That photo is quite old. - When was her photo taken?

- 1986.

- Okay, right now it is-

- 2023. - [Zonton] 86, 87?

- [Both] 2023?

- Yeah, 2023. - 87, 30...

- Carry the crumb. What?

- This is so fucked.

- This is the most fucked!

- Okay- - Gentle!

- Could we have a moment to say goodbye?

- Please, anything you would like to say to Sarah, please.

- Sarah, what a cruel moment.

It is so ironic that you used to hold our little bodies

and stroke us like this

and now we are holding your little body

and stroking you like this.

I wish I could put you on a pillow next to me

and whisper, "Je t'aime."

- In the famous words of poet Pierre Jean-Bulge,

"You are wind and soon wind becomes dust

and dust becomes wind again

and wind can never be dust fully

until it is dust and wind."

- Wow. - "And sometimes-"

- Shh, there's more!

- "The wind in the dust will touch the moon.

Kissing-" - He's not done.

- "Smooching and turning itself off for the sun to rise.

For there is no wind without the sun."

- That- - "There is no dust

without the moon.

(claps) And I could not

put my pen down unless I said."

(clapping)

- Stunning, beautiful.

Okay and that is still a biohazard material-

- They used to do this a lot.

- Oh, did they? - Yes.

- Okay and, well, and actually, as a parting gift,

we would like to send you home with Sarah.

- Sarah's tooth!

(all giggling)

Sarah's- Sarah, I'm so sorry!

- [Marionette] Oh, you kissed her tooth away!

- [Vic] Why don't we just pop it

back in? - I kissed her tooth off.

I kissed her tooth off!

- You kiss her tooth off!

You must be a really good kisser.

- I kissed her tooth off. - Kisses good.

- I'm so sorry, Sarah. - Well, we would like

to send you home with Sarah.

You were once her play thing

and now she can be your play thing.

(both weeping)

And that is our show!

I'm Vic Michaelis, reminding you to be true to yourself

unless you'd rather be somebody else.

Goodnight.

(wailing continues)

Do you like it?

- [Both] Goodnight Sarah.

- Yeah.

- This is what I will do to MSNBC!

(upbeat music)

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