Original subtitles

Hi, you'’ve reached Noah and Clare.

Leave a message at the--

Hi, it'’s Mom.

I hope I'’m not bothering you.

Happy Halloween.

Well, you'’re probably at work now,

so you can just call me when you get home.

You--I mean, but you actually

don'’t really have to call me until--

Obviously it'’s not anything important,

but if you want to call me, please feel free to.

I just wanted to ask--

Shoot, I can'’t remember why I called now.

Anyway, I am sleeping so much better

with this new prescription,

and my jaw only clicks now when I yawn or chew, and I--

Oh, you know what? I remembered why I called now.

Do you have my VCR manual in your--

Hang on a second. My toast just popped.

All right, Sammy Higgins.

Who'’s on the phone, Marilyn?

-- What'’s that, huh? -- Who'’s on the phone?

What do you mean? Somebody'’s on the phone?

Hello? Hello?

There'’s nobody on the phone, Gene.

I think your mom'’s messages are getting shorter.

You know how people

worry about their mothers dying? - Mm-hmm.

I worry mine'’s gonna live forever.

There has to be another exercise I can do.

Who'’s the physical therapist, Bob, you or me?

- You. - All right,

keep those knees up, I want to see

some high steppin'’, work that ACL.

Noah, your mom'’s on line one.

- Tell her I'’m busy, would you? - Mm.

You'’re doing great, Bob.

You look like a gazelle back here.

Cooper, I need you in my office now.

Technically, Dana,

it'’s your dad'’s office, not yours.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

That'’s what he thinks.

Today, Cooper.

That'’s good, Bob. Take a rest.

Oh, thank God.

Dad, I have Cooper here.

...need to see your ticket--

I upgraded to first class on the website!

Dana, what time we doing that Cooper thing?

He'’s here now.

- Put him on. - He is.

- Hello, Ralph. - Enough small talk.

I'’ve asked Dana to meet with you

to discuss some issues we'’re having. Dana?

We'’ve been watching you as head PT now

for several months, and it'’s become

increasingly clear that you'’re not meeting

company standards.

Show Copernicus the numbers.

These are the monthly billing guidelines

that have been established for you,

and these are the actual totals that you billed out.

Quite a discrepancy, wouldn'’t you say?

I would say that these goals are completely unrealistic.

Oh, you'’re the boss now? I didn'’t get the memo.

Look, I'’ve told you this before, Ralph.

I'’m not gonna overbill patients for you.

It'’s unethical. - Are you calling me a fraud?

The bottom line is this.

We have given you

plenty of chances to get with the program,

and you failed.

I'’m sorry to say this,

but we'’re gonna have to let you go.

You'’re firing me?

You just won Jeopardy, genius.

It'’s not a reflection of you as a person.

How does it not reflect on me as a person?

Have your testicles even descended yet?

Did he just say testicles?

I built this office for you.

Every doctor that refers patients to us is because of me.

Every supplier connection is because of me.

Christ, I hit a game-winning home run

against Silverman'’s Orthopedic All-Stars

and won a championship for you.

Only '’cause I got a 2-out hit in the ninth

and kept the inning alive!

Against a shortstop that had a prosthetic leg.

You hit it to his weak side. There'’s no pride in that.

Go to hell, Cooper! I never want to see you

in my office again!

Dana, call security. - Gladly.

-- Calm down-- -- What was that noise?

Are you all right? Don'’t let him take any spines!

"But the wise little Alice was not going to do that in a hurry.

"'’No, I'’ll look first,'’ she said.

"For she had read several nice little stories

"about children who had got burnt

and eaten up by wild beasts and other unpleasant things."

Sorry, guys, sorry.

Sit tight, okay?

Mrs. Cooper'’s class.

Hello, Mrs. Cooper, it'’s me.

- Hi, me.

So I have some good news and some bad news.

What happened?

Well, the bad news is, I got fired.

The good news is, I'’m gonna start my own practice

two years ahead of schedule.

Ralph fired you?

Well, no, Dana did.

Ralph was on speakerphone.

Oh, my God, what an asshole.

Look, honey, I'’m--I'’m really sorry,

but I'’m in the middle of class right now.

Can we talk later?

Yeah, try not get fired, '’kay?

One of us should have a job, I think.

Happy Halloween.

Good-bye.

Oh. How'’s it going?

- Pretty good. - Great.

Uh, who are you?

Um, Myron Stubbs.

You know, I'’m--I'’m Clare'’s cousin from Indianapolis.

She said I could stay here for a few days

for this writing seminar I'’m going to.

Oh, right. I thought that was in a couple weeks.

Yeah, it got moved up, so-- I called her from the airport

to find out where the spare key was.

I never would have guessed.

I'’m Noah.

Oh, yeah, nice to finally meet you.

Yeah, nice to meet you.

Hey, can I ask you a question?

Is that my toothbrush next to your toenail clippings?

Oh, is it?

Oh, man, I'’m sorry.

I forgot mine at home, so I just--

Yeah, simple mistake.

Well, you know what? I'’ll just go buy one.

Nah, that'’s okay.

You know what? Keep it,

and think of it as a "welcome to our home" present.

Really? Right on.

Thanks.

Trick or treat!

- Trick or treat! - Uh-oh, who is it?

Oh, look at this.

Straight from Villa Villekulla.

How exciting.

Happy Halloween.

Thank you.

There'’s my unemployed man.

Did my cousin get here okay?

Yeah, he went out for a while.

But he said he'’d be back in a minute.

So are you serious about what you said,

about starting your own practice right now?

Yeah, I mean, what have I got to lose, right?

I'’ve got experience,

and I'’m clearly executive management material.

So what do you think?

Can we go to the honesty zone?

- I would love to. - I'’ve always thought

you'’d be great running your own practice. You know that.

But you haven'’t had the most stable job history,

and this is a lot of responsibility.

Wow, I hadn'’t thought of that. Thank you.

Oh. Hmm, maybe that'’s because you'’re too busy

trying to avoid accountability

by making a joke out of everything?

Does it feel like the honesty zone'’s

not quite as constructive as it used to be?

You know, look, I support you no matter what.

I just want you to be sure this is the right time.

I think I can really do something great with this,

and it'’ll only take a few months to get started,

so in the meantime, honey,

I could call Donnie and get my old job back

so we don'’t starve. - Eww. Donnie, are you sure?

Well, he said I could come back if I wanted to,

and the hours are flexible, and the pay'’s not horrible.

Okay, then that'’s the plan.

- I like you.

Trick or treat!

Mom?

Marilyn, what'’s the matter?

I'’m fine--nothing.

I'’m--no, I'’m--I'’m perfectly happy.

I-I don'’t want to bother you. I'’ll--

- Whoa! Hey, where is Dad? - Oh, him?

He'’s at home, and we had a really big fight.

But don'’t worry about me, because I'’m absolutely fine,

and I'’m just gonna go to a motel room.

No, maybe you should stay here tonight.

Or come in for some coffee,

and we'’ll call around for vacancies

at some-- the nicer--no?

Well, I don'’t really want to intrude on you, darling.

I just thought I'’d stop by, and I'’d say hello to you

and just sort of give you the thumbs up on everything,

you know what I'’m saying? - It'’s not a big deal

to come on in and use the phone,

check motel vacancies.

We'’re not taking no for an answer.

You'’re staying with us tonight.

That is so sweet of you.

All right, Hartanto, we can stay!

Come on. Let'’s go, Sammy Higgins!

-- Sammy-- -- Oh, great, great.

Clare, it'’s--oh, don'’t worry. We'’ll gather '’em.

Oh, you are such a tiny little blessing, Hartanto.

Just put it anywhere. - It'’s--I'’m not Hartanto.

Don'’t worry about it, just place '’em anywhere.

But be careful of that glass one.

Don'’t worry, it'’s okay. - I come back with other ones.

You only brought the essentials, I see.

Yeah, I know. Honey, what are you supposed to be?

A French vampire? - Hey, check it out,

your neighbor'’s giving away king-size Snickers. Hey.

- Hey, Clare! - Oh, my goodness.

- I'’m so happy to see you.

- Anyway, I'’m feeling a little cooped up.

Is anyone hungry? My treat.

When was the last time you washed your hair?

It looks kind of greasy.

I think it'’s your diabetic retinopathy,

to be honest.

Because it'’s not greasy.

- Oh! Look how succulent everything looks.

Okay, sweetie, I'’ll take that.

Yes, the egg salad is for me.

Lady Clare will have the Belgian waffle.

And this one right here will have the cheese sandwich.

And whoo!

Yes, the big guy can have the--

Ooh, the Spanish omelet.

Yeah, I think she knows. She took the order.

Oh, can I ask you, do you know

if the cheese on the omelet has reduced fat?

I don'’t know.

Well, can you please check?

Because you see, we have high cholesterol

and diabetes in our family.

Sure, can I get you anything else?

- I'’m a diabetic. And sometimes diabetics

have very large babies.

My son was ten pounds.

- Oh, My God. - You know, we'’re great.

Thank you. And I'’m sorry

that you had to hear her medical history

and mine.

Okay.

Is it just me,

or did she seem like she was high on marijuana?

Are you gonna tell me what'’s going on with you and Dad?

Can you please pass the salt, Myrelle?

- Oh. - Thank you.

- It'’s Myron. - Oh, Myron.

Well, actually, I kind of like Myrelle better.

It reminds me of Gone with the Wind.

Normally, black movies don'’t hold my attention,

but I liked that one.

And I like The Jeffersons.

Honey, how is your omelet?

I haven'’t tasted it yet.

Can I have a little bite?

You know, just a smidge?

Yeah, you can tell me how it tastes.

- Honey, can I have a bite? - Go crazy.

Oh, get a big bite.

Mm. Oh, you like it?

You like my omelet? Should I have gotten ham?

It is so succulent.

So are you gonna tell me what'’s going on

with you and Dad, no?

- How is school, Clare? -It'’s great.

We had a costume competition today,

and there was a runoff between Freddy Krueger and a crayon,

and Freddy Krueger won.

It was very cute. - You know what?

There you go.

Thank you, honey.

That is so nice, dear.

Myron, what do you do for a living?

I'’m a screenwriter.

No! That is so interesting.

Yeah, I'’m working on a horror sci-fi project

that'’s set in the jungles of Vietnam.

Lieutenant Tom Dawson gets infected

by Agent Orange-infused malaria,

then mutates into this violent

but misunderstood creature driven to insanity

by the horrors of herbicidal warfare.

That'’s unreal.

My original title was Mansquito,

but that'’s already been taken.

Oh, yeah.

So my working title is PTSD,

which is Post-Traumatic Stress--

- Disorder. - Destroyer.

Oh, "Destroyer." that'’s provocative.

It'’s Platoonmeets, you know, The Fly.

- Excellent. - Sounds like

it'’ll really capture

that authentic Vietnam experience.

But with a sci-fi hook. Exactly.

Half commando, half mosquito--

total terror.

Oh, my gosh! That sounds so exciting to me!

Sounds great. I'’d really like to read it.

How much do you get paid?

Oh, well, I don'’t get paid until I sell it,

but I did send a query letter to William Morrison

just to see if they want it for Snipes.

- Wesley Snipes? - Mm.

Oh...wow.

Is that one of your favorite black actors?

I don'’t want to talk about it.

- How is everything?

- Oh, it'’s succulent. Isn'’t it, everyone?

Oh, hey, do you like movies?

I love them.

Oh, my gosh,

you should tell her your idea, Myron.

Lieutenant Tom Dawson gets infected

with Agent Orange-infused malaria...

Ohhh, come on.

Oh, my God. Clare, I'’m so sorry.

Bad!

Hello?

Is your mother there?

I'’m not kidding, you made pack leader angry!

Never mind, I hear my answer

shitting on your floor. - Okay, what'’s going on?

She said you guys got in a fight,

but every time I ask her about it,

she ignores me. - How should I know?

We'’re handing out candy one minute,

and the next, she'’s yelling at me

in that ridiculous pumpkin suit.

All right, well, what did you do?

Just put her on the phone. - Mom.

No, I am not gonna get on the phone with him.

She doesn'’t want to talk.

There'’s a first.

Who is it, Gene? Is it her?

- No, it'’s your unemployed grandson.

Okay, what does that have to do with anything?

I'’m just stating the facts.

Well, we'’re not all lucky enough

to work at the post office our whole lives.

It'’s not luck when you earn it.

Okay, well, whatever.

She'’s spending the night here,

so you'’re gonna have to talk to her tomorrow.

Don'’t bet on it. Aaah!

She just fell, didn'’t she?

Yeah.

I hope I'’m not putting you out, Myron.

No, I'’ll be fine on the couch.

Sammy, Sammy, get out of there.

What are you doing in my pursey-wursey?

So these guys all have the same name, huh?

Oh, yeah, no, they'’re part of my home dog rescue.

Yeah, I have-- I average about 40 a year,

and that'’s why I call everyone Sammy Higgins.

It'’s easy to remember.

Plus, it helps me keep a detached professionalism

when they get adopted.

You okay there? - Right on.

Well, I hope you feel better.

I'’ll see you in the morning, I guess.

Wonderful. Good luck

on that writing seminar tomorrow.

- Thanks. - '’Kay, bye, Myron.

Marilyn, is this yours?

This was just laying on the living room floor.

Thank you so much.

It must have slipped out of my bag.

Yeah, what the hell is that thing?

It'’s just a lighter. Relax. Bang!

You know what I do?

I use it to scare people like you

who sneak up on me.

Wouldn'’t it be safer to just carry some Mace?

Oh, I tried that once,

but I ended up mistaking it for Binaca.

- Come here. - Well, I'’m going to sleep.

- You'’re going? Oh. - I'’ll see you in the morning.

Please help yourself to whatever you want.

Call me if you need help with this turkey. Ah.

Oh, gosh, Noah, you know what'’s funny?

Yeah, I do.

What'’s funny is my head is throbbing,

but the fall snapped my shoulder back into place.

I got to remember to tell my Pain Pals about that, right?

Yeah, Mom, maybe you should just go to bed,

'’cause it'’s getting late, and it'’s been a long day.

You want to play Scrabble? I brought my dictionary.

Oh, no, but maybe tomorrow.

Oh, oh, okay.

- Okay, good night. Hmm? - Noah?

Hug me as hard as you can

and show me how much you love me.

Mmm. Harder.

- I don'’t want to dislodge that shoulder of yours.

- Oh.

Nice to meet you.

- Noah? - Yeah.

You forgot to say good night to Sammy Higgins.

Uh, good night, Sammy Higginses.

- Look how much he loves you. - Good night.

I love--

you too.

Oh, my God.

Come on, she'’s only here for one night.

Oh, I wish they would just get divorced already

and put us all out of our misery.

Is my hair really greasy?

No, not really.

Sometimes.

She'’s just so needy one minute

and then critical the next.

Why don'’t you tell her that?

Well, I think it would hurt her feelings.

Maybe I should pay someone to do it.

Do you want to make five bucks?

- Good night, cutie. - Good night.

Honey?

- What? - Honey?

What is it?

We'’re supposed to do the deed tonight.

Oh, does that start today?

The next fournights.

Oh, cool.

Um, do you think maybe we should hold off

until we settle the whole job thing?

And that would be when exactly?

Well, are you even sure that you'’re ovulating or--

Yeah, I mean, it'’s what the calendar says,

tonight, tomorrow.

Okay.

Look, if you'’re not up for it, you'’re not up for it.

Well, I can get up for it.

It'’s just been a crazy day.

Okay, well,

we'’ll do it tomorrow, I guess.

Twice.

Yeah, right, as if.

All right, thanks.

Spoony?

Clare Bear, I'’m so tired.

Spoony?

Baby, I'’m just trying to stretch out, okay?

Pull your head out of your ass, babe.

I want to be held. - Oh, okay.

It'’s okay! It'’s okay! It'’s okay!

- It'’s just me. -Honey, are you okay?

- I'’m fine. Go back to sleep, honey.

-Mom? - Myron, you'’re having a dream.

Go back to sleep.

It'’s all right. It'’s okay.

Listen, it'’s all right. Let'’s sit down, okay?

Let'’s save the remodel for later, okay?

Are you hungry? Is that why you'’re up?

Do you want me to make you some toast?

I think your father'’s having an aff...air.

It'’s okay, Sammy Higgins.

Go on back to bed.

Okay, what are you talking about?

That'’s what we'’ve been fighting about.

I confronted him,

and he lied to me, so I left.

I left, and now I'’m all alone,

and I'’d give just about anything

to get my hands on an apple fritter,

but never mind, I just--

it'’s--I'’m fine.

I'’m perfectly--

Well, hey, sit down.

Are you sure Dad--

Put his thing in another woman'’s thing,

and it felt good, and then they did it again,

and then he probably saw or felt her boobs

in the middle of all that?

- Yeah. - It'’s pretty clear to me, yes.

All right, come on, Mom. There'’s no way Dad did that.

Did you actually see him doing this?

A woman knows. Trust me.

It'’s like when you look at a person

and you know they'’re gay-- you can just tell.

Right. Look, I think we'’re both really tired.

And maybe we should go to bed

and talk about this tomorrow morning.

I need a place to stay

until I can decide what to do.

Now, maybe you might know somebody

who could take me in for a couple of weeks?

A couple of weeks?

Yeah, well, sure, to clear my head and--

Well, I know that there are YWCAs.

Those are nice.

Yeah.

Okay.

Uh-- Okay, okay. - Oh! Oh!

But listen to me.

I need you to promise me

that you'’re going to be good.

No prying, no chaos,

no insanity, no circus routine.

You'’re going like this. I want to see this.

I promise you'’re not even gonna know I'’m here.

Scout'’s honor.

That'’s not the Scout'’s honor.

That'’s something to do with Star Trekor Star--

Good night. - Thank you.

Thank you. I'’m gonna be so good.

Honey, she wants to stay for two weeks.

- Really? - Yeah.

I guess that'’s okay.

I mean, she doesn'’t have anywhere else to go.

No, that'’s not okay.

How am I gonna screen her calls if she'’s here with us?

She will bring great unhappiness to this household.

Mark my words.

Don'’t be such a drama queen.

It'’s okay.

Let'’s just go to sleep now.

Honey, I'’m too wound up now.

I'’m really gonna need a BJ to calm down.

Nice try.

Good night.

- Oh! - Oh.

Good morning, Captain.

- What are you doing? - Guess what.

Breakfast is ready.

Can I just get some privacy, please?

Uh-oh.

Here comes the grumpy bear.

I'’m 29 years old. I'’m not playing grumpy bear.

And nothing stops the grumpy bear but a big--

Rar!--smile.

Oh-- Unhhh!

- - Marilyn sniffing ]

When was the last time you washed your bedspread?

Okay, out, go, go.

I mean, what are you, the stink police?

Get that creature out of here.

All right, Sammy Higgins,

let'’s let your grumpy brother get dressed.

- Come on. - He'’s not my brother.

He'’s a dog.

And I'’m a human being.

And my sheets don'’t even sm-- Oh, my God.

Max, I need a new

minority villain sergeant, please.

Is he Hopi Indian?

- Hmm. - No, too peaceful.

Hmm!

- Morning. - Morning, camper.

Honey, there'’s some carob chip pancakes on the stove there.

Thanks. Could you not smoke in the house, Mom?

How did I ever raise such a funny son?

You are a crackup with the jokes, sweetie.

Is he African-American?

- A little stale, Max.

Myron, I thought your writing seminar was today.

Yeah, it got pushed back.

Is he Puerto Rican?

Excellent, Max, fresh new take.

- P-U-E-R. - What is that thing?

Oh, it'’s a-- it'’s a new voice recognition

script writing program called Max 9000.

He'’s my digital collaborator.

Watch. Max, I need a name for my new minority villain sergeant.

- Max 9000.

Try again.

- Victor Escobar.

Perfect.

Wow, writing is easy.

Oh, I know. You'’re telling me.

Isn'’t it sweet of Myron to take care of Sammy Higgins?

I think Myron has some paralyzing social deficiencies.

- So much fun getting out of the house,

being with my son.

Whoo! Here we go.

- Oh, well.

- Whoa, Mom, what are you-- Pick that up!

I'’m not--oh. - We'’re not in Tijuana.

- Come on, I'’ve obeyed the rules all my life,

if I want to throw

a little trash on the ground occasionally

I think I'’ve earned the right.

- That makes zero sense. - Yeah, to you, maybe.

- Just go do your shopping, and I'’ll come find you after.

- Okay, turkey lips. - Hey, don'’t call me turkey--

Whoa!

All right, honey bunch. I love you.

Knock '’em dead! - Oh!

-Aah! Sorry!

Thanks again for seeing me

on such short notice, Donnie.

Hey, what are former bosses for?

So the wife good?

Uh, yes, very good.

Kids?

No, not yet.

Clare'’s pretty eager, though,

so we'’ve been trying.

Boy, do I know what that'’s like.

The missus wanting to settle down and nest,

bringing spousal pressure on the head of the household

to buckle under and procreate.

Not a fun place to be in

if you'’re not ready to have kids,

you know what I mean?

Between you and me,

there'’s plenty of things you can do

to lower your sperm count-- simple things.

Excuse me?

Oh, yeah.

I delayed conception for months.

I took scalding hot baths, wore tight underwear,

anything to sap those nuts.

Of course, rubbing one out before sex

is the best way to deplete viable sperm from your load.

Good to know. Thank you.

So anyway, I was surprised to hear from you.

I thought once you became Mr. Physical Therapy

you'’d be done with the carpet industry forever.

- After I graduated school,

I worked a few years for--

Carpet Bazaar, Donnie Booker speaking.

Go ahead, I'’m listening.

Me?

So after college,

I worked for a number of private practices.

Uh-huh.

And although I gained

a lot of valuable experience,

I found that that environment just wasn'’t for me.

Uh-huh.

So now I'’m just--

I'’m looking for solid employment, you know.

Uh-huh, right.

And since you said I'’d always have a job here,

I thought I'’d take you up on that offer.

Blue.

Your recent firing would ordinarily be

an enormous red flag to anybody with half a brain.

I have two halves,

and I believe in giving people a second chance

after they'’ve thrown away the best years of their lives.

And if you think you'’re ready

to take it to the next level, mister,

you can fill out some paperwork and start today.

Oh, I'’m--I'’m ready to take it to the next level and beyond.

Well, I guess all I have to say is,

take your shirt off.

I'’m kidding.

Welcome back to the Bazaar.

Thank you.

That was a really good joke.

Thank you.

Oh!

Thank you, Mr. Donnie.

Mom, Mom, Mom,

what are you doing here?

Oh! I just got a job!

- Where? - Here.

They needed a sales assistant, somebody to write up orders,

schedule deliveries, things like that.

No, no, there'’s no way they need someone like that.

No, I got done shopping.

So I came inside because it was so hot outside.

Oh, remind me to ask them

when they cleaned those air conditioning filters last,

because you know what?

You can get the Legionnaires'’ disease.

Mom, Mom, focus.

Okay, what happened was, I got talking to Donnie,

and he thought I would be perfect for the job.

And I could use the money, and I thought, "Why not?"

I mean, can you believe?

I mean, I haven'’t had a job

since I worked at the House of Peanuts

before you were born, and now we'’re gonna be coworkers.

Oh! Hug me.

Oh! Oh...

- Okay.

You know what, Darlene, that'’s your department.

Take care of it.

Good morning.

Welcome to Carpet Bazaar orientation.

All right, cut the crap.

We'’re gonna be watching a safety video,

and then we'’ll move on to a tour of the facility.

Excuse me, Donnie,

do we have to watch the video?

I mean, I'’ve already seen it.

- What color is my lamp? - Your lamp?

- What color is my lamp? - Gold?

That'’s right. It'’s gold. I'’m the owner.

That means I make all executive level decisions.

What color is your lamp? - His is silver.

- That'’s right. It'’s silver. Good initiative, Marilyn.

Thank you.

Silver means assistant manager,

which means assistant level decisions.

Yours is bronze. No decisions.

Put your hand down.

The following safety video

contains information that may one day save your lives.

I suggest taking notes.

He seems very knowledgeable.

"It only takes a second."

- But watching it feels like a lifetime.

Oh, my God.

What is the message of that?

Don'’t drive a wood-paneled station wagon

in a winter blizzard?

Hey, you guys, I'’m in here!

Hey!

Help! No!

My heart goes out.

- To the actors in-- - But--Just--

I'’ll sell you the whole seat,

but you'’ll only need the edge for this video.

- Shh! Donnie could come back.

He may quiz us.

I want to be the person who knows

what my job is and requirements.

We also have some new product lines

you'’ll have to familiarize yourself with immediately.

That should be a rewarding challenge.

Okay, pop quiz.

How many square yards are there in a 12x18 piece of carpet?

- 1,000? - 24.

Looks like somebody already forgot his conversions, okay?

Don'’t let me down again.

Hi, honey. Hi, Donnie.

Incidentally, I presume you can maintain a professional

working relationship with your mother?

Yeah, about that. I'’m a little concerned

that she lacks any qualifications whatsoever.

No, I'’m an incredible judge of potential.

She'’ll be fine.

Well, she'’s not worked since the Peanut--

Shh. This is learning time.

Take this opportunity to learn.

Okay, what'’s the most important thing about sales?

Uh, I'’m pretty sure it'’s friendliness?

No, the up-sell.

Come on, shake the cobwebs out, man.

Okay, quick refresher course.

See that lady over there? - Mm-hmm.

- I'’m gonna up-sell her,

and you'’re gonna watch me, understand?

I think I'’m starting to.

Yeah, she'’s looking at the Berber,

but she'’s leaving with multiframe Wilton.

Watch and learn, Cochise.

Ah, I see you'’re looking at the Berber.

- Yes. - Very nice.

If you want to go class A,

you want to look at this one down here.

This is a multiframe Wilton.

Check it out.

Mm-hmm, this feels nice.

Yes, that'’s probably the best carpet we have.

I'’m gonna try not to be involved with this.

Right down at the bottom, can you see it?

You might have to bend a little bit.

There, right there.

Is he Samoan?

Hello.

Whoo, home again, home again, jiggity jig.

I don'’t know about you,

but this working stiff could sure use a cold one.

Make mine a double.

Mm, sperm are dwindling.

Okay.

- Oh! Occupied.

It'’s me. Your mom needs some Tums. She ran out.

Taking a shower, a very mild

and soothing shower.

You'’re not playing soapy worm, are you?

Yep, you caught me.

I'’ll be out in a minute.

Oh, oh.

Oh, it is just so much fun to be part of a team.

Oh, and you know what, Clare?

We get a 10% employee discount

on every 2,500 square feet of carpet that we purchase.

It'’s true.

And they have a big picnic every June.

And they have

a competitive softball team, Myron.

It sounds like you'’re really enjoying yourself.

Oh, you would have been so proud of Noah

out there in the field today,

even though he didn'’t talk to me very much.

I figure he must have been working

on his award-winning customer service

and not intentionally ignoring his mom...

Yeah, I was really proud of me too,

'’cause there was a moment-- I'’m gonna be honest--

that I felt kind of overqualified

and yet useless at the same time,

and then I saw the gigantic piece of carpet,

and I realized the genie had been bottled up

in here the whole time.

I think I'’m wiser for it.

I had a nice breakthrough on the script today.

Did you?

In the middle of a village raid, searching for mercenary VC,

Lieutenant Tom Dawson starts to grow a syringe-like proboscis.

- Oh! - Excuse me.

- It'’s like a weird nose.

Well, I guess his attention span isn'’t what it used to be.

He just has a lot on his--

Oh! Oh, my God, I'’ve got to get ready

for my Pain Pal meeting.

They'’re gonna be here any second.

Clare, dinner? Yummy.

Did you make any dessert?

In the fridge.

Right on.

So anyway, I'’ve been eating a lot of chocolate,

which I know hasn'’t helped my blood sugar level.

And the chewing has caused my TMJ to flare up.

Can you hear it? Listen, girls.

It'’s worse than ever.

Poor Marilyn.

- I did exactly the same thing.

Oh, honey.

Everybody, you know my son, Noah.

Hi, Noah.

- Hi, there. - Dear, do you think you could

take a look at Barbara'’s foot?

Her GP says she has fallen arches,

but she feels like she needs a second opinion.

Yeah, she should really see a podiatrist about that.

Just a little peek, Noah.

It'’s been so difficult getting around on the bus lately.

I'’d really appreciate it.

Well, since you'’re riding mass transit,

I guess I'’ll look.

Oh, thank you, sweetie.

Oh, dear,

look at that, honey.

- Get right-- oh, right in--

Yeah--oh, that-- oh, that'’s the spot.

We were so sorry to hear about you

losing your job like that.

But don'’t worry about it, honey.

I'’m sure you'’re gonna land on your feet.

- Didja hear that, Myron?

Could I see you outside, please?

Excuse me, girls.

What are you gonna do, Marilyn,

hide out here forever?

- I'’m an independent woman now.

I'’ve got a job!

She serious?

Yeah, with me.

Good! Now you can pay me back

for that refugee kid you send money to every month.

It'’s a scam, you know.

- Don'’t you dare talk about Joaquin that way!

Joaquin? Last year it was Ernesto.

- Aw, jeez. - What are you looking at?

- Okay, will you calm down, please, would you?

You'’re upsetting the Pain Pals, and they'’re very litigious.

I don'’t want to calm down.

I want my wife to live where she'’s supposed to.

That is a dream we all share, but obviously she'’s mad at you.

- She said you-- - I know what she said.

Well--Well, did you?

Do you think any other woman besides your mother

wants my salty prune bag?

You want to see it?

I'’ll prove to you how disgusting I am.

I'’ll take a rain check, okay?

Is that my extension cord?

- No, it'’s mine. - You sure?

Yeah, believe it or not, I own an extension cord.

Yeah, but mine has the little green--

All right, would you focus?

On what?

On how she gets to make wild accusations?

She has too much time on her hands.

She does nothing but invent problems for herself.

She reads too many spy novels.

- It'’s better than watching Strategic Air Command

all the time!

Mom, just stay out of it, okay?

Listen, if we'’re gonna get her to move home,

you'’ve got to start talking to her like an adult.

You know what?

I think I'’m through talking for a while.

You take over. See you around.

Okay, hey, hey, Dad.

Don'’t be stupid. - Bye-bye!

She knows where to find me.

You people, you'’re out of your minds.

It'’s all in your head. You hear me?

That'’s the spirit.

Way to find a common ground.

How'’s it going?

None of these banks want to loan me anything

'’cause of my credit.

What about asking your dad?

I mean, maybe he could

co-sign for you or something.

Yeah, my guess is that he would side with the banks.

Do you think he'’s really cheating on her?

Uh...

No, I think my mom just needs chaos in her life to function.

I don'’t even know what I'’d do

if I found out you were doing something like that

behind my back.

In the bedroom, they come all the way off.

Um...

could I get two minutes to brush my teeth?

Whoa!

Okay, give me a winner.

Too thin.

Ooh, too big.

Oh, jeez. Oh, yeah.

This is so wrong.

Okay, let'’s go quick.

What'’s wrong?

- Hmm? - What'’s wrong?

- Nothing. I'’m fine.

Ow! - Honey, you'’re pulling my hair.

- I'’m sorry.

Guys?

Is there an extra pillow in there?

Mine'’s really uncomfortable.

Yeah?

As uncomfortable as a motel room?

Right on.

- What?!

Noah?

Are you asleep in there?

- Yes, I am asleep. - Okay, good,

'’cause I don'’t want to bother you if you'’re asleep.

I mean, if you'’re asleep,

I really don'’t think we should talk.

- Mom? - What?

- Spit it out. - Did you set your alarm

for work tomorrow?

- Yes. - Good, okay.

Well, I was just checking,

because I don'’t have a clock in my room,

and I'’m so excited about work, I can'’t sleep,

and I took the wrong medication, so I'’m a little keyed up.

Okay, I need you to go back into your room

and not come out for the rest of the night.

Can you do that for me?

Oh, sure, natch, no problem.

And--and don'’t you worry about a thing.

I didn'’t hear you doing it.

I just don'’t understand

how you can let a few minor distractions ruin everything.

See if you can tell me what word doesn'’t belong here.

Son, Mom, boner.

Whatever. Look, the fertility wizard says

that for the next two nights, I'’m at the peak of my cycle,

so we have to do something both nights, okay?

It sounds so romantic.

I have to be up early.

- Spoony? - Grow up.

Hey, hey, hey!

Hey, stop, stop.

- What'’s up? - What the hell are you doing?

Oh, I'’m going to the supermarket,

and I thought that I could get some soy milk for me, and--

Okay, it'’s00 in the morning.

Okay, all right, you know.

I'’m going to your father'’s house.

You'’re gonna spy on him?

No, I'’m not gonna spy on him.

I'’m just going to discreetly monitor

some of his activities, that'’s all.

See, this is what I'’m talking about.

You'’re always stirring things up.

Just get out of the car, Lansbury.

You know what?

You can ignore what'’s going on if you want to,

but I need to do this.

So you can either come with me, or--

You rolled the window up. Is this not obvious to you?

What is it, dear?

Why don'’t you get in the trunk,

and let'’s have this conversation?

Say that again.

- I mean, what are you doing? - Get in.

See? There'’s nothing going on.

We'’ve only been here for five minutes.

Be patient.

You know, you could get a better look from inside.

Maybe you should move back in

and call me with a full report.

I mean, do you really think Dad'’s got broads inside

with Grandma Helen home?

Well, let me tell you something.

Helen is no fan of mine.

Maybe she'’s covering for him,

and maybe she'’s being paid for her silence.

I really don'’t know.

Pay--who'’s paying her?

0134, nothing to report.

Do you want some Corn Nuts?

- No, thank you. - I got plenty.

- Thanks anyway. - They'’re high in fiber.

- I'’d love some. - Great.

You know what I'’ve got?

I'’ve got Ranch, Jalapeño, and Barbecue.

Just surprise me.

Okay, one Ranch coming up.

- Oh, what is it?

- Oh, my--

Oh, wait a minute.

Oh, wait a minute.

Dad'’s got a sex slave in a little wheelchair inside.

It'’s just Satan.

Your father would never admit it,

but she runs his life.

Well, sometimes it'’s easier

to take the path of least resistance.

Trust me on that one.

0135, mother-in-law confirmed inside residence.

- What are you laughing at?

There'’s some really impressive lingo there, Condor.

You know, you--you want to make fun of me.

Yeah.

But I'’ve read a lot about how the CIA operates,

and I know how they do business

at the highest level of government.

In fact, if I got into a situation at the Pentagon--

Do you hear what you'’re saying?

The Pentagon?

Yes, I'’m certain,

based on everything I'’ve read,

that I could find my way around and get myself out of a jam.

I'’d need a Glock, though.

You know, I am so happy

that I was recruited for this mission.

I think the top-level brass is gonna be really impressed

with our results.

You think that I enjoy this?

Is that what you really think,

that I like spying on my husband?

I'’ve known Gene since I was 16 years old.

He is my whole entire life, and if--

And if I s--

stop-- Never mind.

You know what? Let'’s just go.

Surveillance ended, 0136.

Rise and shine, twinkle toes.

Today is the first day of the rest of your life.

Oh! Whoa.

Ohh!

- I don'’t remember this being here.

Bye-bye, Sammy Higgins.

Bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye.

Bye, Myron. - Bye.

This also comes in a red oak.

Whoo!

Excuse me, sir.

Oh, wait.

Ooh, ooh!

Isn'’t this fun?

Okay, okay, okay.

Now, I'’m using coffee, but you could use motor oil.

Mom, hit it.

Come on down here, get a look at this.

See that the stains are disappearing like--

- Oh! - Mom, Mom, Mom!

This one. This one matches.

Fine, fine.

Hey, guys.

What are you doing here?

I thought I'’d stop by and say hi.

There are times when you'’re given certain responsibilities.

You can'’t ignore them.

Well, don'’t you have any responsibilities to hope--

- Is your mother

still being your mother?

She'’s trying to figure some things out, I guess.

Ha!

Would you like me to get you a glass of water, Grandma?

- What are you watching? - Strategic Air Command.

- All right, you don'’t have to tell me.

- Honey, I just did tell you.

Why are you fast-forwarding?

I skip all the scenes with June Allyson.

She does nothing but bitch.

That'’s June Allyson for you.

So look, there was another reason I stopped by, Dad.

Really, what'’s that?

Well, I'’ve decided to take a crack

at running my own physical therapy practice.

- Uh-huh. - And I was wondering,

since the bank'’s not really in a position

to loan me anything right now,

if you'’d like to invest some startup money

or co-sign for a small business loan.

We could be like partners.

What do you say, partner?

There are lots of things I would do for you, son,

but investing money in you isn'’t one of them.

I'’ve already got a lifelong credit liability

with your mother.

I'’m not ready to take on her protegé.

Being an Air Force wife--

Maybe Grandma could loan me some--

Oh, that'’s right.

That'’s where you get your famous generosity from.

I make practical decisions, not popular ones.

Someday, when you have a son, you'’ll understand why.

Thank you for the pearl.

Okay, so Max, how would Escobar

capture Lieutenant Dawson in the Mekong Delta?

Heavily armed choppers.

- Ohh. - That'’s been done.

Yeah, sounds tired to me.

Giant pest strip.

That'’s unrealistic.

Okay, well, wait a minute. So what if--

How about if Escobar orders a napalm strike diversion?

And then what if shadow ops ambushed Dawson,

okay, while he'’s hatching eggs in the rice paddy?

- Breakthrough, breakthrough. - All right!

- We got it. - Pass the astronaut ice cream.

All right.

See you in a few, okay? - Okay. Good luck.

Sorry, honey. Shh. - Good luck.

Hi.

Oh.

- Mm! Mm. - Mmm...

- Honey. - Mm-hmm?

What'’s wrong?

I talked to my dad, and he'’s not gonna help me.

Well, that'’s pretty bad news, then.

Yeah, it'’s just bad timing.

I get it.

If my wife wanted to make a baby, and I didn'’t,

I'’d be pretty uninterested in sex too.

What?!

That is ridiculous.

Well, news to me,

because every time we try and do something lately,

you have an excuse.

Oh, like getting fired,

watching my parents'’ marriage collapse,

or realizing I'’m gonna work at a themed carpet store

for the rest of my life, those kind of excuses?

Well, you know what? I'’m feeling it.

Let'’s do this, huh?

I'’m gonna go to town on you.

I know you.

I know when you don'’t want to do something.

I have been very supportive throughout all of this.

Oh, you'’ve been so supportive.

Noah, the only pregnancy question you'’ve asked me

in, like, six months is, how big are my boobs gonna get?

Yeah, because I'’m worried about your back.

I don'’t want you to strain it.

I'’m sorry if I care about you.

You are a piece of work.

- God damn it!

Oh, oh, oh, Mom! Mom, get out of the car.

What are you doing? Your father'’s at the bowling alley.

I'’m supposed to be in that parking lot.

Let go of me.

What do you-- this is outrageous!

- Okay, listen. - I am your mother!

I'’m not some sort of a rag doll.

You think you can push me around?

I have rights! - Get in your bedroom.

She'’s going to her Pain Pals meeting!

Okay, listen to me.

My house, my rules.

Rule number one, stop stealing my car.

What are you so afraid of, that I'’m right?

Listen to me and listen well, Houdini,

because this is my last warning to you.

You even think about leaving this house tonight,

and I am driving you straight to a homeless shelter.

Oh, yeah, I scare'’.

You know, I wish just once,

you could see yourself the way I do.

Um, I was thinking about what happened last night,

and I--and if I upset you,

I just want to apologize for my actions.

You'’re supposed to say you accept.

Fine, I accept.

Good!

Now, let'’s go sell some carpet, huh?

All right.

Yeah, no, no, no.

I know, sir. I know what you'’re saying.

And I want to do that, okay.

Just, um-- where did you go?

- Hey, ace, where'’s your vest? - Your wife'’s hamper?

- Excuse me? - The drycleaner.

Oh, well, if I catch you without it again,

it'’s a write-up, you understand? - Okay.

Now, what'’s going on with the Brisbane order?

I don'’t know; my mom'’s handling it.

What'’d I do with the-- where'’s your paper?

I'’m next.

Oh, God.

I really thought she'’d catch on quicker.

She'’s a slow starter, Donnie. She'’s 60.

She'’s fired, that'’s what she is.

What? She hasn'’t even worked here a full week.

She'’s the worst Caucasian employee we'’ve ever had,

and she'’s costing me money, okay?

So I'’m canning her ass.

She'’s the only one in here wearing a vest.

You'’re gonna fire your one employee wearing the vest?

What am I running, a telethon here?

The quick ones make it, and the the slow ones don'’t.

Darwin said that, and I'’m sticking to it.

Hi, there.

Look, Donnie, she loves this-- excuse me.

Look, okay, it'’s all she'’s got.

Believe me when I tell you, if you fire her,

it'’s gonna destroy her.

You can'’t do it.

Actually, you'’re her direct supervisor.

This falls under your domain.

That'’s a joke? That'’s a sick joke?

No, I don'’t joke

about terminating someone'’s livelihood.

That I take very seriously.

Okay, you know what I'’m serious about?

Not firing my mom. I'’m not gonna do that.

Look, maybe I'’m not making myself clear.

Either you do this for me, or you'’re gone.

Now, you need this job, right?

Do me proud.

This is the Carpet Bazaar.

- Hey. - Hi, honey.

Donnie said you wanted to talk to me?

Yeah, you want to have a seat?

You know, I was just reading the employees'’ manual.

It said that we get a week'’s vacation

and five sick days after 12 months of service.

Huh.

I'’ve never even had benefits before.

Um, yeah.

So, Mom, I was talking to Donnie,

and he said he'’s been watching you work over the last few days,

and he thinks your skills might be put to better use

in another area.

Already?

You mean like greeter?

Well, maybe.

I think you'’d be a great greeter.

But I don'’t think that'’s what he was talking about.

No?

Oh, no, no, he doesn'’t really think

I'’m ready for team leader yet, does he?

No, I think he feels it'’d be best

if you worked at home from now on.

I don'’t understand how I'’m gonna do that

when all the carpet and the customers are here.

I don'’t think he means working with the carpet

and customers anymore.

Well, I don'’t understand. What would I be doing?

I mean-- - You'’d be--

Oh, I know, I would be the telemarketer.

You'’d be fired, Mom.

You'’d be fired.

Okay, I'’d be fired.

I'’m sorry.

I-I tried to-- I told him how much--

Right. Well, anyway.

I-I guess I won'’t be needing this anymore, huh?

Here.

I-I am fine, sweetie.

It'’s--I'’m perfectly fine.

It'’s not like it'’s the end of the whole wide, you know,

world or anything.

I mean, obviously,

someday you and I are gonna look back on this,

and we'’re just gonna laugh, right?

We'’re just gonna laugh, right?

How'’d it go?

Pop quiz: How many square feet in this?

You'’re fired. You hear me?

The third time will not be the charm for you.

Ha! Laugh'’s on you, Cooper.

That'’s stain-resistant.

Mom, Mom, wait a minute.

- Bus! - Mom, wait!

Mom.

Mom.

Gonna need your keys back, chappy.

- I'’m talking to you, ace. Oh, yeah?!

Hey.

So what are you in for?

Uh, I beat my boss senseless with a foam scepter.

I'’d prefer you sat over there.

Sure.

You know how much carpet I had to buy

to talk him out of pressing charges?

350 feet.

You have any idea how much carpet that is?

467 square yards.

That'’s on top of bail. - If you worked harder

on your marriage, maybe you wouldn'’t have to be

so involved in my life.

How'’s that his responsibility?

He'’s not the one who left.

- You don'’t know what you'’re talking about.

No one knows how hard I'’ve worked on this marriage.

Well, then why am I in the middle mediating it?

In case you hadn'’t noticed,

I'’m the one who'’s been trying to sit down and talk.

How could he? He'’s too busy landing himself in jail.

Okay, don'’t you have some kind of a baking magazine

or some knitting to do back there?

Look, I know what you'’re going through.

But she'’s gotta come home. You picked her, not me.

Noah, your mom and I have been at this for a long time.

For a lot of years,

I used to worry she was gonna walk out on me,

not because I was afraid to be alone,

but because I was afraid I'’d find out I liked it.

And guess what-- I like living alone.

There'’s no complaining, no fights,

no dogs.

I can just be me.

Don'’t get me wrong. I love your mother.

She was the sweetheart of my youth.

I'’ll always love her.

I'’m just not sure what'’s supposed to happen

if I don'’t like her anymore.

Hi, there.

Myron, where'’d my mom go?

Monkey sidekick.

She told me not to tell you.

Okay, where'’d she go?

Ah! Downtowner Inn.

Come here often?

Excuse me, I'’m not allowed to talk to strangers.

I'’m sorry.

- Yeah, well. - I'’m really sorry.

It wasn'’t my choice.

I just thought maybe it'’d be easier

if it was coming from me.

All I have to say is,

you have a real delicate touch, okay?

I really mean it.

If it makes you feel any better,

I got fired too.

You did?

Good.

Tony, darling, two dirties, pronto-rooni.

We'’re good, Tony.

Listen, let'’s grab your things

and--and just go home, all right?

Was I a good mom?

Of course you were a good mom.

Let'’s just go, all right?

Yeah, sure, let'’s just go.

Let'’s just run away

and forget how little Marilyn has accomplished with her life.

Come on, you'’ve accomplished a lot.

Yeah, like what?

What have I accomplished besides having you, huh?

All kinds of--you know.

Right.

Nothing.

Not true.

Dutiful wife,

housecleaner,

zero!

You did a lot of things.

You were very active and--

You saved my rat Herman.

Remember?

The one with the skin disease?

Yeah, you could'’ve put him to sleep,

but instead you scrubbed him every day

with that medicated shampoo.

You saved his life. That'’s, like,

my greatest childhood memory, Mom.

What?

His skin kept getting worse,

and he started having brain seizures,

so one night when you were asleep,

I put him in a coffee can,

stuck holes in the lid,

and stuck him in the washing machine.

The next day, I bought another rat

and put it in Herman'’s cage.

You drowned Herman?

I don'’t know what to say. It was suffering.

Your dad was away for the weekend.

I didn'’t know what to do.

Well, that'’s the worst thing I'’ve ever heard.

Who pokes a hole in a coffee can and drowns a rat?

That was your best idea?

Didn'’t you have a friend you could have called?

Well, guess what.

P.S., I did the best that I could with my life.

Is there anything else I need to know about,

any other lies?

You wet your bed until you were six.

The noise you heard in the closet at night

really was a ghost.

And they held you back two times

in first grade.

I'’m 31?

Thirty-two.

Oh, my God.

Thank you. Thank you.

- Thank you. - Thank you, Verlon.

That was as lovely as it was haunt-ing.

Next up, please put your hands together for Marilyn Cooper.

- Marilyn? - Just go.

- Hold that thought. - Sing your song.

- Okay, dear. - I'’ll be over here aging.

- Oh, thank you.

You owe me three birthdays.

I'’d like to bring the room down for a minute

and dedicate this next song to my very special son Noah.

He fired me from the best job I ever had,

but I never accomplished much in my life,

so it really doesn'’t matter

if my husband fucked another woman

and I murdered a rat.

Hit it, Lou.

Okay, hold it.

Take me home.

I'’ve put up with him for 36 years.

Okay, just relax, would you?

Oh, no, no, no, Sammy Higgins, don'’t eat that.

- We'’re almost there. - Oh, my God.

Oh, no, no, this is not my room.

My room is by the ice machine.

- Oh, thank you, dear. - Just get in bed.

Can you put my nightgown on me?

- No. - Why not?

Are you afraid of seeing your mom naked?

Yeah, that'’s exactly what I'’m afraid of.

Yeah, well, I got news for you, mister.

I still have a pretty good body,

even though I haven'’t had sex in five years.

- Eww. - Five.

Oh...sex.

Can I get you anything?

Yeah.

Can you take me back to 1968 so I can start all over again?

No, not this second.

Oh, that'’s too bad.

I'’d like to start all over again.

- Okay. - Good night.

What are these?

Oh, I'’ve been trying some new briefs out.

Trying to get a little more support.

These are, like, four sizes too small for you.

Oh, well, that explains a lot.

I must have misread the label. I'’ll return '’em tomorrow.

You'’re trying to sabotage your sperm count,

aren'’t you? - What?

That'’s why it'’s taking so long.

No, it'’s taking so long

because our schedules don'’t match up.

You have some serious problems, you know that?

Okay, you'’re throwing underwear at me.

I think maybe we need to go to the honesty zone.

Screw the honesty zone. I hate the honesty zone.

Okay, don'’t dismiss the honesty zone like that. Not cool.

- What are you gonna do about it?

You don'’t want to find out.

You know, maybe this whole

"I'’ve got so much on my plate" routine

has nothing to do with your job or your mom.

Maybe it has something to do with me.

It has nothing to do with you, all right?

That'’s ridiculous.

Please, I need you to be honest with me right now

and tell me if it'’s me you'’re unhappy with.

I'’m not unhappy with you.

Anything else?

Have you been trying to keep me from getting pregnant?

No. Yes, I have.

- What?! - But only a couple times.

Oh, my God, how could you do that?

What are you getting so upset with me?

I'’m being honest with you. - Now you try and be honest?

My life'’s coming apart at the seams

and all you want to do is get on me

and grind out like a mechanical bull.

Well, all you have to do is tell me if you wanted to wait.

Oh, yeah, I'’m sure that would have fit in neatly

with your species propagation agenda.

My agenda? We both agreed to this.

Well, I didn'’t agree to my wife

becoming a single-minded fertility robot.

Need more sperm.

I don'’t need more sperm, okay?

Look, I need you to stop putting all of this on me.

It'’s not fair. - I'’m not putting it on you.

It is clearly the baby'’s fault.

I need you to stop making excuses.

Fine, what else?

- I need you to-- - Done.

- I didn'’t finish. - Well, I agree.

You talk, and I agree. That'’s the deal, right?

You'’re being stupid and immature.

I agree again. We'’re in total agreement.

Look how well we'’re communicating.

Out! Get out.

You'’re not sleeping in here tonight.

Well, I got bad news for you.

I ain'’t leaving this room.

Ha! Real mature.

Sweetie, my blanket'’s caught in the door.

Rough night with the old lady?

Why are you here?

Clare said I could stay here for the writing seminar, remember?

Yeah, that was supposed to be last Tuesday.

Yeah, it got pushed back, so...

To when? That was three days ago.

I'’ve had two jobs since then.

I mean, what have you been doing?

You just sit on the couch in your sofa fantasy land

being my mother'’s little monkey sidekick?

Monkey sidekick.

There is no writing seminar, is there?

What?

I'’m sorry, can you say that into my good ear?

I can'’t hear you.

Uh...

I might have made the seminar up.

You--

My parents kicked me out of their house.

So I'’ve got no money, and I'’ve got no place to go.

That'’s outstanding.

When exactly were you planning on leaving?

Well, I don'’t know. I'’m still working on that.

You'’re working on it?

You know what you remind me of?

You remind me of that bad movie

that'’s on cable at00 in the morning.

It'’s on because something has to fill the void.

That'’s what'’s your life is like to me: filler and void.

This week on Filler and Void,

Detective Myron Stubbs finds an unproduced screenplay

in his diaper.

Oh, I'’m sorry, did I dishonor

Vietnam Mosquito Soldier?

You know what I'’d like to see?

I'’d like to see Lieutenant Tom Dawson

fragged by his own platoon.

You think that'’s a good idea,

or should I ask your little friend?

Max, what do you think of my great new idea?

I smell an Oscar.

Thank you, Max. You know what?

Why don'’t you do us all a favor

and write something that actually benefits mankind, okay?

But do us an even bigger favor

and don'’t write it in our living room.

Well...

I know I'’m not the greatest writer in the world.

I'’m sure there'’s a lot of people

who think the stuff I do isn'’t very good.

But I enjoy doing it. It keeps me going.

And believe me, underneath this confident exterior

is a guy with just as many doubts and insecurities as you,

except you have a beautiful wife

and a mom who loves you, and...

I just have me.

Sorry if the stuff I do

doesn'’t interest you very much,

but I can'’t really change what makes me happy.

Anyway, this blanket'’s extra,

so I'’ll just go blow up the aero bed

so you can have the couch.

Where are you going?

To search for Yeti.

Can we please talk like adults?

You bet. Call me when you find one.

Your mom stole my car.

I mean, listen to yourself.

You'’re acting like I'’m hiding

all these deep, dark secrets or something.

You are! You'’re wearing toddler briefs,

and you'’re sabotaging jobs to avoid having kids.

That--that'’s not true. - Yes, it is true.

I haven'’t even had enough time

to sabotage my job at the carpet store.

How do you explain that one, huh?

You got fired from the carpet store?

- I didn'’t tell you that? - Arggh!

What? Sweetie...Bear.

Don'’t "Sweetie Bear" me!

Wait! Hon--honey, I was in jail.

I didn'’t have time to tell you.

Ohh!

- Where are you going? - Holly'’s!

Feel free not to call!

Call you where, Holly'’s or Molly'’s?

Holly'’s!

Oh, my God.

Oh, my-- M-Mom?

Mom.

Nice shot, Mom.

Now you'’re working on a turkey.

Excuse me.

I want to know who she is.

Was it Phyllis?

Ah, what are you doing? We'’re bowling here.

Is it Susan?

That'’s who it is, isn'’t it?

Okay, let'’s go home.

No, I am not leaving here

until you give me an answer.

I got an answer for ya.

Crazy, ungrateful bitch.

You want to hear what the question is?

You'’re pathetic, Gene.

It'’s all in your head, Marilyn.

You'’re an out of control dope fiend.

Stay out of it, Grandma.

I tried very hard to give you

everything you wanted.

You think that it was money that I wanted.

You think that it was furniture.

You think I wanted clothes.

But that'’s not what I wanted.

I wanted more.

You hear that, everyone?

She wanted more than that.

And he put up with your moods and your complaining

and your dogs.

I wanted more of you!

Maybe we can find a better time to discuss this, yeah?

If he can look me straight in the eye

and tell me the truth, I will leave your house,

and you'’ll never see me or my dogs ever again.

Dad?

What?

Does Gene have to account for himself yet again?

I'’m a respected man.

I served my country.

I did what was asked of me.

Did you or did you not have an affair?

No, I didn'’t have an affair.

It was a one-night stand.

Twice.

I defended you.

Yeah, well, no one asked you to.

I screwed up, okay? I'’m sorry.

But how would you like to spend

the last few good years of your life

with someone who'’s always unhappy,

who does nothing but live in the past,

who can only complain about all the rotten things

that happened to her, even though, really,

nothing bad ever happened to you

except you expected so much?

You think I wanted a wife like June Allyson

from Strategic Air Command?

Well, guess what!

You won'’t have to put up with

June Allyson anymore.

I'’ll live in his house

for the rest of my goddamn life

if I have to,

but I am through with this marriage!

I need to talk to you, Marilyn.

She'’s not feeling very chatty today, Dad.

Yeah, you know, Gene,

now'’s probably not a good time.

Come on, that'’s my jacket.

Though we don'’t always understand

why we'’re taken so soon from this life, dear Lord,

much less why we'’ve been placed here to begin with,

we ask that you bless this service

and this family.

- And everybody said, "Amen." - Amen.

I'’ve been asked by the deceased'’s son

to open up the floor

so that anyone may share

their thoughts about Helen.

Anyone at all.

Anyone?

Uh, hello, everyone.

Um...

What can I say about my Grandma Helen?

Well, for one, I remember how she was my grandma.

Also, she was a-a good pers-- dresser.

She was a good dresser,

and she owned some very nice jumpsuits,

and I'’ll miss her very much.

Thank you.

Thank you, son.

Anyone else?

Well, if there'’s no one else who would like to say anything,

then I'’ll just continue with the service--

I'’d like to say something, please.

Oh, terrific.

For those of you who don'’t know me,

I am Gene'’s wife, Marilyn.

Well, I am right now, but not for very long,

but that isn'’t what I wanted to talk about.

In all the years that I knew Helen Cooper,

she wasn'’t very nice to me.

She didn'’t think I was very smart,

and she said I talked too much.

Now, I know that that is a terrible thing to say

at someone'’s funeral, but

I spent a lot of time and effort

trying to make her like me, and for what?

So she could make me feel bad and stick her nose up at me?

Well, I don'’t wanna be just tolerated anymore,

so I'’ve decided that I'’d rather spend the rest of my life alone

instead of being surrounded by strangers

who pretended they were my family.

I guess that'’s a little off-topic,

but anyway, I would like to say

that Helen had a lovely singing voice,

and she was a very good cook.

Her holiday fudge was second to none.

Thank you.

Well, that was, uh... from the heart.

Uh, there'’s anyone else who'’d like to speak at this time...

Yeah, I'’d like to add something.

Okay.

I forgot to add that Helen was born in northern Florida

to migrant walnut farmers.

Also, if a certain somebody

isn'’t happy with her living situation

or how she'’s apparently being mistreated

and ignored by her family,

said person can move out any time she sees fit.

Helen'’s middle name was Esther.

Thank you.

Well, if that--

Yeah, well now, all right.

- That'’s enough. - Sit down, Gene.

I would like to correct the previous speaker,

who said that Helen was born to walnut farmers.

The truth is, Helen was born to cashew farmers.

- The previous speaker

can get a lot of his facts wrong.

He can also be very self-absorbed and immature.

Just ask his wife.

She'’ll tell you the same thing.

Helen'’s favorite color was yellow.

Thank you.

Actually it was walnut farmers.

They can'’t even grow cashews in northern Florida

because of the freezing winter temperatures.

A second-grader could tell you that.

A second-grader could also tell you

that you shouldn'’t treat your 29-year-old son...

32.

...like a child

and criticize him for having greasy hair

when he uses a moisturizing shampoo on a regular basis.

And then dump all your selfish problems on him

and expect him to be sympathetic,

especially if he'’s been held hostage

with your never-ending jiggity, jiggity,

"I'’m so insanely happy, but desperately lonely" madhouse

for so long that he'’s wearing underwear four sizes too small

and sticking his balls against a microwave.

Helen stood 5'’6" and loved playing checkers.

I'’m sure we can all agree

that Helen was an outstanding checkers player.

Hey, you want to be mad at me?

I'’m mad at me too.

I spent my life

trying to do what was right for everyone else,

trying to be who I was expected to be,

except the real me wasn'’t the person I ended up becoming,

and now I'’m 60?

And the only thing that has saved me in my whole life

is that when I look at you,

I'’m worth something.

I talk to you, and I feel good.

And I look at you, and...

my life matters.

So if I needed you more than you needed me

and that was too much to bear,

then I am terribly sorry, but, sweetie...

you'’re my son,

and until you have one of your own,

you cannot imagine the extraordinary person

who is going to come out of your own imperfections.

The, uh, deceased'’s son has asked

that we play Helen'’s favorite song.

Mom, I gotta go.

Hi.

I need to see Clare.

It'’s really important.

She said she would call you when she was ready to talk.

Besides, I'’m hosting a baby shower.

Look, Holly, I know we'’ve never seen eye to eye,

but I am asking you as a semi-human being

to please let me in this house.

Thank you.

Oh. Oops.

Hi.

Just looking for my wife.

There she is.

Can we talk for a minute, sweetie?

Clare.

Clare, please, I need to talk to you.

Need, need-- Tell me more about what you need.

Okay, I deserved that,

but will you please hear me out?

- Please? Ow! - Ow!

- I'’m sorry. - What are you doing?

You stopped really fast, and then you turned.

All right, whatever you'’re gonna say,

just spit it out.

Okay, I know we haven'’t been getting along that great,

and I-I don'’t want to get into whose fault it is,

especially '’cause Myron'’s not here to defend himself.

- Oh, Noah. - No, no, no.

Okay, okay, okay.

All right, some of it-- some of it--

most of it, moving towards all of it, is my fault.

Honesty zone?

Fine.

Okay.

Well?

Oh, you want me to start.

- Noah. - No, wait.

How long are you gonna put me through this?

Believe me, I just--

I wish I could take the whole week back,

but I-I can'’t.

And I know. I know. You'’re married to a guy

who can'’t hold a real conversation

with his mom and dad,

a guy who'’s sneaking around,

snapping one off before sex?

I get it.

Instead of just telling you

that he feels completely inadequate to be a father.

But you'’re not inadequate.

- That'’s what'’s so stupid.

Will you shut up!

I mean, who has geese in their yard?

Honey, you say that now, but what about in 30 years?

I mean, I just see all the things

that my parents are going through.

We'’re not your parents.

Yeah, but at some point, they were as in love as we are,

and something went wrong,

and I-I just didn'’t want that to happen to us,

and I made a huge mistake,

and I hurt you,

and I'’m sorry,

and I'’m lame,

and I suck too.

You hurt me so much.

Now you just show up here and...

say you'’re sorry,

and you want me to just say everything'’s okay,

and it doesn'’t feel okay.

I know.

I wouldn'’t believe me either,

but today my mom actually said

that I'’m the only thing in her life she doesn'’t regret,

which floored me, '’cause I didn'’t think she was

all that thrilled with how I turned out.

But apparently, I'’m not that bad.

So if my parents can produce this rousing success story,

then I have to think you and I can make one of our own.

And I don'’t wanna miss out on that.

I mean, what kind of idiot would--would miss out on that?

Not this idiot.

No more toddler briefs.

I'’m wearing big boy undies now.

That chaise lounge, you know it'’s right.

Shut up!

Ooh, is something burning?

- Oh, hey. - Woo!

It'’s Noah and Clare Cooper.

Like a Cheech and Chong movie in here, isn'’t it?

Looks like somebody kissed and made up.

Yeah, it looks like

they did a little bit more than that.

- Join us right this instant. - Okay.

Yeah, sit down.

Get over here.

We were just smoking some green,

like, that medicine, you know,

that green medicine.

Yeah, since when do you smoke green medicine?

Hey, you don'’t think that'’s all we do at Pain Pals, do you?

You think that all we do is talk about our problems?

We'’re into action, man.

'’Cause the herb is a blessing.

Such a blessing.

So...

The bud'’s the bomb.

So, Mom, Clare and I were talking on the way home,

and we want you to know that you'’re both welcome

to stay with us as long as you need to.

- Oh. - That'’s nice.

Well, you know what?

We don'’t need it, though.

No, no.

Nope. We'’re moving in together.

You'’re what?

Yes, we both need a place,

and we really enjoy each other'’s company,

so we thought,

"Hey, why the heck not?"

Yeah, you'’ve known each other for four days.

I think it'’s a good idea.

And I called my parents, and they'’re really excited,

and they'’re giving me seed money

and my own credit card.

Yes.

And I'’ve never had one.

- I'’m surprised. - Where are you gonna stay?

We'’re sacking out down at the Downtowner for a couple days

And we'’re also collaborating on a screenplay

- Oh! - about diabetic vampires.

Yeah, listen to this.

Do you like the title?

Blood Sugar.

Oh, wow. Oh, I get it.

Right?

I can'’t believe he'’s 32.

Oh, I know.

- What?

I shoulda told him!

I should have told him.

I'’m an old person.

Do you like old people?

- All right, thanks. - You'’re welcome.

Thanks for sharing your home with me.

Anytime. Oh.

You'’re a special person,

and I don'’t mean the kind that wears a helmet.

Oh, that'’s good.

You should put that in PTSD.

Well, actually...

Thanks for everything, sweetie.

Always an adventure.

Now, let me know if you guys make me a grandkid, all right?

I'’ll stay on top of it.

And if you do, don'’t drink too much

in the first trimester.

That'’s where I went wrong with Noah, I think.

- But anyway--oh. - Bye, Clare.

Bye, Myron.

Hey.

I don'’t know what to say.

Just hug me as hard as you can, and let'’s call it a week.

I can do that.

- Okay. - I love you.

I love you too.

One of these days, we'’ll work out

all of our stuff.

Probably not.

- Okay. - All right.

All right, Hartanto.

That old road'’s a-callin'’.

Marilyn...

and Myron...

are out right now.

So please leave a message.

Hi, it'’s your son.

Uh, I know you'’re probably at work right now.

Um. I was just calling to say hi, but call me back.

Oh, wait, I think you have class tonight.

But anyways, I just was calling to say

that I hired a hand and wrist specialist,

so the next time you come to the office--

Hang on a second, Dad'’s in a standoff with Ian.

He keeps winging his mac-n-cheese at me.

Hey, eat your lunch, monkey.

- Don'’t throw it at Grandpa.

Honey, why'’s the phone off the hook?

Can you come down here, please?

I'’ve got it under control.

What'’s going on?

Okay, you don'’t have it under control.

Honey, who'’s on the phone?

Sweetie.

Hello?

Clare. Clare bear!

All right!

Mommy to the rescue.