Original subtitles

Announcer: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.

GENTLEMEN, THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES. [BAND PLAYS INTRODUCTION TO

UNITED STATES. [BAND PLAYS INTRODUCTION TO "HAIL TO THE CHIEF"]

MY FELLOW AMERICANS, LADIES

AND GENTLEMEN, MEMBERS OF THE

PRESS, AND MY IMMEDIATE FAMILY,

FIRST MAY I THANK YOU ALL FOR

BEING HERE.

AND I AM... AND MY IMMEDIATE FAMILY, FIRST MAY I THANK YOU ALL FOR BEING HERE, AND I AM...

FAMILY, FIRST MAY I THANK YOU ALL FOR BEING HERE, AND I AM... AND MY IMMEDIATE FAMILY.

ALL FOR BEING HERE, AND I AM... AND MY IMMEDIATE FAMILY. THANK YOU ALL FOR BEING HERE.

AND MY IMMEDIATE FAMILY. THANK YOU ALL FOR BEING HERE. AND I AM TRULY HONORED TO BE

THANK YOU ALL FOR BEING HERE. AND I AM TRULY HONORED TO BE ASKED BY YOU TO OPEN THE

AND I AM TRULY HONORED TO BE ASKED BY YOU TO OPEN THE "SATURDAY NIGHT" SHOW WITH

ASKED BY YOU TO OPEN THE "SATURDAY NIGHT" SHOW WITH HARVEY COSELL.

"SATURDAY NIGHT" SHOW WITH HARVEY COSELL. [CHUCKLES]

HARVEY COSELL. [CHUCKLES] I DO HAVE...

[CHUCKLES] I DO HAVE... I DO HAVE TWO MAJOR

I DO HAVE... I DO HAVE TWO MAJOR ANNOUNCEMENTS TO MAKE.

I DO HAVE TWO MAJOR ANNOUNCEMENTS TO MAKE. WHOOP! UH-OH!

ANNOUNCEMENTS TO MAKE. WHOOP! UH-OH! NO PROBLEM. NO PROBLEM.

WHOOP! UH-OH! NO PROBLEM. NO PROBLEM. NO PROBLEM. OKAY.

NO PROBLEM. NO PROBLEM. NO PROBLEM. OKAY. MY FIRST ANNOUNCEMENT IS ONE I

NO PROBLEM. OKAY. MY FIRST ANNOUNCEMENT IS ONE I THINK YOU'VE ALL BEEN WAITING

MY FIRST ANNOUNCEMENT IS ONE I THINK YOU'VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR.

THINK YOU'VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR. OH! NO PROBLEM!

FOR. OH! NO PROBLEM! NOPE! OKAY. NO PROBLEM.

OH! NO PROBLEM! NOPE! OKAY. NO PROBLEM. SORRY. NO PROBLEM.

I KNOW A FELLOW WHO IS GOING TO ENTER THE NEW HAMPSHIRE, MASSACHUSETTS, FLORIDA, AND

ENTER THE NEW HAMPSHIRE, MASSACHUSETTS, FLORIDA, AND EVERY OTHER PRIMARY.

MASSACHUSETTS, FLORIDA, AND EVERY OTHER PRIMARY. AND I KNOW HE IS GOING TO WIN.

EVERY OTHER PRIMARY. AND I KNOW HE IS GOING TO WIN. AND IF HE HAS ANY OTHER

AND I KNOW HE IS GOING TO WIN. AND IF HE HAS ANY OTHER COMPETITION RIGHT UP TO THE END

AND IF HE HAS ANY OTHER COMPETITION RIGHT UP TO THE END OF 1976, THANK YOU!

COMPETITION RIGHT UP TO THE END OF 1976, THANK YOU! HEY.

OF 1976, THANK YOU! HEY. UH-OH!

HEY. UH-OH! NO PROBLEM. NO PROBLEM.

UH-OH! NO PROBLEM. NO PROBLEM. AND IF I DON'T WIN, I WILL

NO PROBLEM. NO PROBLEM. AND IF I DON'T WIN, I WILL CONTINUE TO RUN IN THE

AND IF I DON'T WIN, I WILL CONTINUE TO RUN IN THE PRIMARIES, EVEN IF THERE ARE

CONTINUE TO RUN IN THE PRIMARIES, EVEN IF THERE ARE NONE.

PRIMARIES, EVEN IF THERE ARE NONE. AND NOW FOR MY SECOND

NONE. AND NOW FOR MY SECOND ANNOUNCEMENT.

AND NOW FOR MY SECOND ANNOUNCEMENT. LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S

ANNOUNCEMENT. LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S "SATURDAY NIGHT"!

LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S "SATURDAY NIGHT"! [BAND PLAYS]

Announcer: STARRING... WITH...

AND THE NOT-READY-FOR-PRIME-TIME PLAYERS... LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

PLAYERS... LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, CANDICE BERGEN!

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, CANDICE BERGEN! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. I AM VERY HAPPY TO BE HERE

THANK YOU VERY MUCH. I AM VERY HAPPY TO BE HERE TONIGHT.

I AM VERY HAPPY TO BE HERE TONIGHT. I AM ALSO ESPECIALLY HAPPY TO BE

TONIGHT. I AM ALSO ESPECIALLY HAPPY TO BE HERE AS "SATURDAY NIGHT'S" FIRST

I AM ALSO ESPECIALLY HAPPY TO BE HERE AS "SATURDAY NIGHT'S" FIRST WOMAN HOST.

HERE AS "SATURDAY NIGHT'S" FIRST WOMAN HOST. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

WOMAN HOST. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] THIS MAY NOT MAKE UP FOR THE

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] THIS MAY NOT MAKE UP FOR THE E.R.A. VOTE THE OTHER DAY, BUT

THIS MAY NOT MAKE UP FOR THE E.R.A. VOTE THE OTHER DAY, BUT AT LEAST IT'S SOMETHING.

E.R.A. VOTE THE OTHER DAY, BUT AT LEAST IT'S SOMETHING. I JUST WANT TO SAY THAT

AT LEAST IT'S SOMETHING. I JUST WANT TO SAY THAT REHEARSALS HAVE BEEN VERY

I JUST WANT TO SAY THAT REHEARSALS HAVE BEEN VERY HECTIC, BUT VERY EXCITING.

REHEARSALS HAVE BEEN VERY HECTIC, BUT VERY EXCITING. THE WHOLE CREW HERE HAS MADE ME

HECTIC, BUT VERY EXCITING. THE WHOLE CREW HERE HAS MADE ME FEEL VERY MUCH...

THE WHOLE CREW HERE HAS MADE ME FEEL VERY MUCH... CANDICE, SORRY TO BOTHER YOU.

FEEL VERY MUCH... CANDICE, SORRY TO BOTHER YOU. DON'T MOVE.

CANDICE, SORRY TO BOTHER YOU. DON'T MOVE. THERE'S A BEE ON YOUR HAND.

DON'T MOVE. THERE'S A BEE ON YOUR HAND. UM... UH, I'M ALLERGIC TO

THERE'S A BEE ON YOUR HAND. UM... UH, I'M ALLERGIC TO BEES.

UM... UH, I'M ALLERGIC TO BEES. WHAT SHOULD I DO?

BEES. WHAT SHOULD I DO? IT'S OKAY.

WHAT SHOULD I DO? IT'S OKAY. JUST GO ON. IGNORE THE BEE.

IT'S OKAY. JUST GO ON. IGNORE THE BEE. I'LL TAKE CARE OF IT.

JUST GO ON. IGNORE THE BEE. I'LL TAKE CARE OF IT. YOU JUST GO ON. GO ON.

I'LL TAKE CARE OF IT. YOU JUST GO ON. GO ON. JUST GO ON WITH THE SHOW?

YOU JUST GO ON. GO ON. JUST GO ON WITH THE SHOW? UM...

JUST GO ON WITH THE SHOW? UM... WE HAVE ESTHER PHILLIPS WITH US

UM... WE HAVE ESTHER PHILLIPS WITH US TONIGHT.

WE HAVE ESTHER PHILLIPS WITH US TONIGHT. CHEVY, DON'T HURT THE BEE.

TONIGHT. CHEVY, DON'T HURT THE BEE. DON'T HURT THE BEE.

CHEVY, DON'T HURT THE BEE. DON'T HURT THE BEE. OH, I WON'T HURT THE BEE.

DON'T HURT THE BEE. OH, I WON'T HURT THE BEE. NO. IT'S JUST A SCRIPT.

OH, I WON'T HURT THE BEE. NO. IT'S JUST A SCRIPT. I'M JUST GONNA SHOO IT AWAY.

NO. IT'S JUST A SCRIPT. I'M JUST GONNA SHOO IT AWAY. GO ON, LITTLE BEE. GO ON.

I'M JUST GONNA SHOO IT AWAY. GO ON, LITTLE BEE. GO ON. [BLOWS]

GO ON, LITTLE BEE. GO ON. [BLOWS] GO ON. SHOO, SHOO.

[BLOWS] GO ON. SHOO, SHOO. OH!

GO ON. SHOO, SHOO. OH! I TOLD YOU NOT TO HURT HIM.

OH! I TOLD YOU NOT TO HURT HIM. NOW YOU'VE KILLED HIM.

I TOLD YOU NOT TO HURT HIM. NOW YOU'VE KILLED HIM. HE'S JUST STUNNED.

NOW YOU'VE KILLED HIM. HE'S JUST STUNNED. HE'S ALL RIGHT.

HE'S JUST STUNNED. HE'S ALL RIGHT. YOU OKAY, LITTLE BEE?

HE'S ALL RIGHT. YOU OKAY, LITTLE BEE? YOU OKAY THERE, LITTLE FELLOW?

YOU OKAY, LITTLE BEE? YOU OKAY THERE, LITTLE FELLOW? EVERYTHING OKAY?

YOU OKAY THERE, LITTLE FELLOW? EVERYTHING OKAY? YEAH.

EVERYTHING OKAY? YEAH. I ASKED HIM NOT TO HURT YOU,

YEAH. I ASKED HIM NOT TO HURT YOU, DIDN'T I?

I ASKED HIM NOT TO HURT YOU, DIDN'T I? YOU HEARD ME.

DIDN'T I? YOU HEARD ME. OKAY.

YOU HEARD ME. OKAY. OKAY.

OKAY. OKAY. HE'S GOING AWAY.

OKAY. HE'S GOING AWAY. HE'LL BE FINE.

HE'S GOING AWAY. HE'LL BE FINE. THANK YOU, CHEVY.

HE'LL BE FINE. THANK YOU, CHEVY. I APPRECIATE IT SO MUCH.

THANK YOU, CHEVY. I APPRECIATE IT SO MUCH. OH, LET'S SEE, ESTHER PHILLIPS,

I APPRECIATE IT SO MUCH. OH, LET'S SEE, ESTHER PHILLIPS, ANDY KAUFMAN, THE "SATURDAY

OH, LET'S SEE, ESTHER PHILLIPS, ANDY KAUFMAN, THE "SATURDAY NIGHT" REGULARS ARE WITH US

ANDY KAUFMAN, THE "SATURDAY NIGHT" REGULARS ARE WITH US TONIGHT.

NIGHT" REGULARS ARE WITH US TONIGHT. AND WE THINK IT'S GOING TO BE...

TONIGHT. AND WE THINK IT'S GOING TO BE... WE THINK IT'S GOING TO BE A VERY

AND WE THINK IT'S GOING TO BE... WE THINK IT'S GOING TO BE A VERY EXCITING SHOW.

WE THINK IT'S GOING TO BE A VERY EXCITING SHOW. AND WE'LL BE BACK AFTER THIS

EXCITING SHOW. AND WE'LL BE BACK AFTER THIS FILMED MESSAGE.

SANDWICHES AGAIN TONIGHT? YOU KNOW I CAN'T STRETCH THE FOOD BUDGET ANY FURTHER.

YOU KNOW I CAN'T STRETCH THE FOOD BUDGET ANY FURTHER. WHY DON'T YOU GET A BETTER JOB?

FOOD BUDGET ANY FURTHER. WHY DON'T YOU GET A BETTER JOB? ARE YOU STUCK IN A

WHY DON'T YOU GET A BETTER JOB? ARE YOU STUCK IN A GO-NOWHERE, DO-NOTHING JOB?

ARE YOU STUCK IN A GO-NOWHERE, DO-NOTHING JOB? IF SO, THIS IS YOUR CHANCE TO

GO-NOWHERE, DO-NOTHING JOB? IF SO, THIS IS YOUR CHANCE TO START AN EXCITING CAREER IN THE

IF SO, THIS IS YOUR CHANCE TO START AN EXCITING CAREER IN THE WORLD OF INTERNATIONAL DIPLOMACY

START AN EXCITING CAREER IN THE WORLD OF INTERNATIONAL DIPLOMACY AS AN AMBASSADOR TO A FOREIGN

WORLD OF INTERNATIONAL DIPLOMACY AS AN AMBASSADOR TO A FOREIGN COUNTRY BY ENROLLING NOW AT THE

AS AN AMBASSADOR TO A FOREIGN COUNTRY BY ENROLLING NOW AT THE AMBASSADOR TRAINING INSTITUTE.

COUNTRY BY ENROLLING NOW AT THE AMBASSADOR TRAINING INSTITUTE. AMBASSADORS LIVE IN LUXURY AND

AMBASSADOR TRAINING INSTITUTE. AMBASSADORS LIVE IN LUXURY AND GET TO MINGLE WITH GLAMOROUS

AMBASSADORS LIVE IN LUXURY AND GET TO MINGLE WITH GLAMOROUS CELEBRITIES, ROYALTY, AND THE

GET TO MINGLE WITH GLAMOROUS CELEBRITIES, ROYALTY, AND THE SOCIAL ELITE.

CELEBRITIES, ROYALTY, AND THE SOCIAL ELITE. AND THEY DON'T HAVE TO PICK UP

SOCIAL ELITE. AND THEY DON'T HAVE TO PICK UP AFTER THEMSELVES.

AND THEY DON'T HAVE TO PICK UP AFTER THEMSELVES. AMBASSADORS HAVE A LOT OF

AFTER THEMSELVES. AMBASSADORS HAVE A LOT OF PRESTIGE AND INFLUENCE.

AMBASSADORS HAVE A LOT OF PRESTIGE AND INFLUENCE. THEY PUT IN LONG HOURS WITHOUT

PRESTIGE AND INFLUENCE. THEY PUT IN LONG HOURS WITHOUT WORKING HARD, AND THEY'RE OFTEN

THEY PUT IN LONG HOURS WITHOUT WORKING HARD, AND THEY'RE OFTEN THE CENTER OF ATTENTION.

WORKING HARD, AND THEY'RE OFTEN THE CENTER OF ATTENTION. AND THE FOOD?

THE CENTER OF ATTENTION. AND THE FOOD? FANTASTIC!

AND THE FOOD? FANTASTIC! AMBASSADORS DINE ON THE FINEST

FANTASTIC! AMBASSADORS DINE ON THE FINEST GOURMET FOOD AT BIG FANCY DINNER

AMBASSADORS DINE ON THE FINEST GOURMET FOOD AT BIG FANCY DINNER PARTIES IN PALACES AND EMBASSIES

GOURMET FOOD AT BIG FANCY DINNER PARTIES IN PALACES AND EMBASSIES AND TRADE CENTERS.

PARTIES IN PALACES AND EMBASSIES AND TRADE CENTERS. TO SEE IF YOU QUALIFY FOR A

AND TRADE CENTERS. TO SEE IF YOU QUALIFY FOR A CAREER IN DIPLOMACY, TAKE THIS

TO SEE IF YOU QUALIFY FOR A CAREER IN DIPLOMACY, TAKE THIS EASY TEST RIGHT NOW IN THE

CAREER IN DIPLOMACY, TAKE THIS EASY TEST RIGHT NOW IN THE PRIVACY OF YOUR OWN HOME.

EASY TEST RIGHT NOW IN THE PRIVACY OF YOUR OWN HOME. LISTEN CLOSELY.

PRIVACY OF YOUR OWN HOME. LISTEN CLOSELY. YOU ARE HAVING DINNER WITH SOME

LISTEN CLOSELY. YOU ARE HAVING DINNER WITH SOME FOREIGN DIGNITARIES, AND SOMEONE

YOU ARE HAVING DINNER WITH SOME FOREIGN DIGNITARIES, AND SOMEONE SAYS SOMETHING ANTI-AMERICAN.

FOREIGN DIGNITARIES, AND SOMEONE SAYS SOMETHING ANTI-AMERICAN. YOU...

YOU'D BE SURPRISED HOW MANY PEOPLE SAY "A." BUT IF YOU SAID "B," THEN YOU

PEOPLE SAY "A." BUT IF YOU SAID "B," THEN YOU HAVE THE ABILITY TO MAKE QUICK

BUT IF YOU SAID "B," THEN YOU HAVE THE ABILITY TO MAKE QUICK DECISIONS ON YOUR FEET.

HAVE THE ABILITY TO MAKE QUICK DECISIONS ON YOUR FEET. WHEN YOU ENROLL AT AMBASSADOR

DECISIONS ON YOUR FEET. WHEN YOU ENROLL AT AMBASSADOR TRAINING INSTITUTE, YOU'LL LEARN

WHEN YOU ENROLL AT AMBASSADOR TRAINING INSTITUTE, YOU'LL LEARN HOW TO ACCEPT GIFTS GRACIOUSLY,

TRAINING INSTITUTE, YOU'LL LEARN HOW TO ACCEPT GIFTS GRACIOUSLY, HOW TO PROPOSE TOASTS.

HOW TO ACCEPT GIFTS GRACIOUSLY, HOW TO PROPOSE TOASTS. YOU'LL USE PHRASES LIKE,

HOW TO PROPOSE TOASTS. YOU'LL USE PHRASES LIKE, "DELIGHTED TO SEE YOU AGAIN,"

YOU'LL USE PHRASES LIKE, "DELIGHTED TO SEE YOU AGAIN," "I'LL ASK THE SECRETARY OF

"DELIGHTED TO SEE YOU AGAIN," "I'LL ASK THE SECRETARY OF STATE," AND "PASS THE SWEET AND

"I'LL ASK THE SECRETARY OF STATE," AND "PASS THE SWEET AND SOUR SHRIMP."

STATE," AND "PASS THE SWEET AND SOUR SHRIMP." NOW, HERE'S HOW TO GET YOUR FREE

SOUR SHRIMP." NOW, HERE'S HOW TO GET YOUR FREE BOOKLET.

JUST SEND $300,000 AND THE NAME

OF THE COUNTRY TO WHICH YOU'D

LIKE TO BE AMBASSADOR TO...

[TELEPHONE RINGS] HELLO, CIA, DEPARTMENT OF RECORDS, SCRAMBLE LINE SIX.

HELLO, CIA, DEPARTMENT OF RECORDS, SCRAMBLE LINE SIX. WELL, THANK YOU.

RECORDS, SCRAMBLE LINE SIX. WELL, THANK YOU. WHY ARE WE ALWAYS THE LAST TO

WELL, THANK YOU. WHY ARE WE ALWAYS THE LAST TO KNOW?

WHY ARE WE ALWAYS THE LAST TO KNOW? [SIGHS]

KNOW? [SIGHS] DOWN WITH COLBY...

[SIGHS] DOWN WITH COLBY... UP WITH BUSH.

DOWN WITH COLBY... UP WITH BUSH. WAY TO GO, BILL.

UP WITH BUSH. WAY TO GO, BILL. I WAS TOLD THAT AS AN

WAY TO GO, BILL. I WAS TOLD THAT AS AN AMERICAN CITIZEN, I GOT A RIGHT

I WAS TOLD THAT AS AN AMERICAN CITIZEN, I GOT A RIGHT TO KNOW IF THE CIA's GOT A FILE

AMERICAN CITIZEN, I GOT A RIGHT TO KNOW IF THE CIA's GOT A FILE ON ME AND THAT YOU'RE SUPPOSED

TO KNOW IF THE CIA's GOT A FILE ON ME AND THAT YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO SHOW IT TO ME.

ON ME AND THAT YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO SHOW IT TO ME. WAIT JUST A MINUTE THERE.

TO SHOW IT TO ME. WAIT JUST A MINUTE THERE. CAN'T YOU PREFACE YOUR REMARKS

WAIT JUST A MINUTE THERE. CAN'T YOU PREFACE YOUR REMARKS WITH A SIMPLE "GOOD MORNING"?

CAN'T YOU PREFACE YOUR REMARKS WITH A SIMPLE "GOOD MORNING"? GOOD MORNING.

WITH A SIMPLE "GOOD MORNING"? GOOD MORNING. CAN I HELP YOU?

GOOD MORNING. CAN I HELP YOU? THE LAW SAYS THAT IF YOU GOT

CAN I HELP YOU? THE LAW SAYS THAT IF YOU GOT A FILE ON ME, I GOT A RIGHT TO

THE LAW SAYS THAT IF YOU GOT A FILE ON ME, I GOT A RIGHT TO SEE IT.

A FILE ON ME, I GOT A RIGHT TO SEE IT. YES, YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO

SEE IT. YES, YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO SEE IT, BUT HAVING THE RIGHT TO

YES, YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO SEE IT, BUT HAVING THE RIGHT TO SEE IT AND ACTUALLY SEEING IT

SEE IT, BUT HAVING THE RIGHT TO SEE IT AND ACTUALLY SEEING IT ARE TWO DIFFERENT THINGS...

SEE IT AND ACTUALLY SEEING IT ARE TWO DIFFERENT THINGS... VERY DIFFERENT.

ARE TWO DIFFERENT THINGS... VERY DIFFERENT. WHAT YOU MEAN BY THAT?

VERY DIFFERENT. WHAT YOU MEAN BY THAT? WELL, LOOK AT THIS, MAN.

WHAT YOU MEAN BY THAT? WELL, LOOK AT THIS, MAN. DOES THIS LOOK LIKE ORDER?

WELL, LOOK AT THIS, MAN. DOES THIS LOOK LIKE ORDER? THIS ISN'T ORDER.

DOES THIS LOOK LIKE ORDER? THIS ISN'T ORDER. THIS IS ABSOLUTE CHAOS!

THIS ISN'T ORDER. THIS IS ABSOLUTE CHAOS! EVERYBODY IN WASHINGTON HAS BEEN

THIS IS ABSOLUTE CHAOS! EVERYBODY IN WASHINGTON HAS BEEN THROUGH THIS OFFICE!

EVERYBODY IN WASHINGTON HAS BEEN THROUGH THIS OFFICE! I'D LIKE TO KNOW WHO WAS IN HERE

THROUGH THIS OFFICE! I'D LIKE TO KNOW WHO WAS IN HERE LAST NIGHT.

I'D LIKE TO KNOW WHO WAS IN HERE LAST NIGHT. I CAN'T FIND A THING.

LAST NIGHT. I CAN'T FIND A THING. I CAN'T EVEN FIND A PAPER CLIP.

I CAN'T FIND A THING. I CAN'T EVEN FIND A PAPER CLIP. BUT THAT'S NOT YOUR PROBLEM.

I CAN'T EVEN FIND A PAPER CLIP. BUT THAT'S NOT YOUR PROBLEM. NAME?

BUT THAT'S NOT YOUR PROBLEM. NAME? I BEG YOUR PARDON?

NAME? I BEG YOUR PARDON? I SAID, "NAME?"

I BEG YOUR PARDON? I SAID, "NAME?" GARRETT MORRIS.

I SAID, "NAME?" GARRETT MORRIS. THAT'S UNFORTUNATE.

GARRETT MORRIS. THAT'S UNFORTUNATE. I NEVER LIKED IT THAT MUCH...

THAT'S UNFORTUNATE. I NEVER LIKED IT THAT MUCH... I HAVE 3,677 GARRETT MORRISES

I NEVER LIKED IT THAT MUCH... I HAVE 3,677 GARRETT MORRISES IN THIS FILING BANK ALONE.

I HAVE 3,677 GARRETT MORRISES IN THIS FILING BANK ALONE. I HAVE GARRETT MORRISES HERE,

IN THIS FILING BANK ALONE. I HAVE GARRETT MORRISES HERE, HERE, HERE, HERE WITH THE

I HAVE GARRETT MORRISES HERE, HERE, HERE, HERE WITH THE PACKING CLEARANCES.

HERE, HERE, HERE WITH THE PACKING CLEARANCES. HAVE YOU EVER CHANGED YOUR NAME

PACKING CLEARANCES. HAVE YOU EVER CHANGED YOUR NAME TO "X"?

HAVE YOU EVER CHANGED YOUR NAME TO "X"? OH, I DID CHANGE IT TO

TO "X"? OH, I DID CHANGE IT TO "GARRETT BARAKA."

OH, I DID CHANGE IT TO "GARRETT BARAKA." BARAKA.

"GARRETT BARAKA." BARAKA. YOU WERE ON THE AFRICAN KICK

BARAKA. YOU WERE ON THE AFRICAN KICK FOR A WHILE... YOU AND 32,688

YOU WERE ON THE AFRICAN KICK FOR A WHILE... YOU AND 32,688 OTHER BLACK AMERICANS.

FOR A WHILE... YOU AND 32,688 OTHER BLACK AMERICANS. SOMETHING ELSE... DID YOU EVER

OTHER BLACK AMERICANS. SOMETHING ELSE... DID YOU EVER COMMIT AN ILLEGAL ACT OR

SOMETHING ELSE... DID YOU EVER COMMIT AN ILLEGAL ACT OR SOMETHING?

COMMIT AN ILLEGAL ACT OR SOMETHING? OH, YEAH, UH, I RAN GUNS.

SOMETHING? OH, YEAH, UH, I RAN GUNS. OH, MR. MORRIS, ARE YOU AWARE

OH, YEAH, UH, I RAN GUNS. OH, MR. MORRIS, ARE YOU AWARE OF HOW MANY PEOPLE ILLEGALLY

OH, MR. MORRIS, ARE YOU AWARE OF HOW MANY PEOPLE ILLEGALLY TRANSPORT FIREARMS ACROSS STATE

OF HOW MANY PEOPLE ILLEGALLY TRANSPORT FIREARMS ACROSS STATE LINES IN THIS COUNTRY EACH YEAR?

TRANSPORT FIREARMS ACROSS STATE LINES IN THIS COUNTRY EACH YEAR? WELL, HOLD ON.

LINES IN THIS COUNTRY EACH YEAR? WELL, HOLD ON. WAIT A MINUTE.

WELL, HOLD ON. WAIT A MINUTE. I ALSO...

WAIT A MINUTE. I ALSO... MILLIONS! MILLIONS OF THEM!

I ALSO... MILLIONS! MILLIONS OF THEM! I HAVE SHEAVES OF FILES.

MILLIONS! MILLIONS OF THEM! I HAVE SHEAVES OF FILES. SOMETHING OUTSTANDING... I CAN'T

I HAVE SHEAVES OF FILES. SOMETHING OUTSTANDING... I CAN'T WORK WITH THIS.

SOMETHING OUTSTANDING... I CAN'T WORK WITH THIS. WAIT A MINUTE.

WORK WITH THIS. WAIT A MINUTE. I ALSO SOLD ILLEGAL NARCOTICS,

WAIT A MINUTE. I ALSO SOLD ILLEGAL NARCOTICS, SINCE 1968.

I ALSO SOLD ILLEGAL NARCOTICS, SINCE 1968. I HAVE NO TIME FOR JOKES,

SINCE 1968. I HAVE NO TIME FOR JOKES, MR. MORRIS.

I HAVE NO TIME FOR JOKES, MR. MORRIS. WELL, IN OAKLAND, MAN, I WAS,

MR. MORRIS. WELL, IN OAKLAND, MAN, I WAS, UH, THE MINISTER OF DEFENSE FOR

WELL, IN OAKLAND, MAN, I WAS, UH, THE MINISTER OF DEFENSE FOR A...

UH, THE MINISTER OF DEFENSE FOR A... RADICAL ORGANIZATIONS... IN A

A... RADICAL ORGANIZATIONS... IN A DIMLY LIT VAULT DOWN THE HALL, I

RADICAL ORGANIZATIONS... IN A DIMLY LIT VAULT DOWN THE HALL, I HAVE 6 POUNDS OF MATERIAL ON

DIMLY LIT VAULT DOWN THE HALL, I HAVE 6 POUNDS OF MATERIAL ON RADICAL ORGANIZATIONS.

HAVE 6 POUNDS OF MATERIAL ON RADICAL ORGANIZATIONS. YOU'RE JUST GOING TO HAVE TO

RADICAL ORGANIZATIONS. YOU'RE JUST GOING TO HAVE TO GIVE ME SOMETHING MORE IF WE'RE

YOU'RE JUST GOING TO HAVE TO GIVE ME SOMETHING MORE IF WE'RE GOING TO FIND YOUR FILE.

GIVE ME SOMETHING MORE IF WE'RE GOING TO FIND YOUR FILE. I... I ACTIVELY, UH,

GOING TO FIND YOUR FILE. I... I ACTIVELY, UH, ADVOCATED THE OVERTHROW OF THE

I... I ACTIVELY, UH, ADVOCATED THE OVERTHROW OF THE AMERICAN GOVERNMENT.

ADVOCATED THE OVERTHROW OF THE AMERICAN GOVERNMENT. YOU AND 6.4 PERCENT OF THE

AMERICAN GOVERNMENT. YOU AND 6.4 PERCENT OF THE AMERICAN POPULACE.

YOU AND 6.4 PERCENT OF THE AMERICAN POPULACE. OH, WAIT, WAIT.

AMERICAN POPULACE. OH, WAIT, WAIT. I ALSO CONSPIRED TO INCITE A

OH, WAIT, WAIT. I ALSO CONSPIRED TO INCITE A RIOT.

I ALSO CONSPIRED TO INCITE A RIOT. THAT'S RIGHT, I CROSSED STATE

RIOT. THAT'S RIGHT, I CROSSED STATE LINES...

THAT'S RIGHT, I CROSSED STATE LINES... "CONSPIRED TO INCITE A RIOT."

LINES... "CONSPIRED TO INCITE A RIOT." WELL, YIPPEE!

"CONSPIRED TO INCITE A RIOT." WELL, YIPPEE! YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO DO

WELL, YIPPEE! YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO DO BETTER THAN THAT.

YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO DO BETTER THAN THAT. HEY, MAN, WAIT A MINUTE!

BETTER THAN THAT. HEY, MAN, WAIT A MINUTE! I BOMBED... THAT'S RIGHT, I

HEY, MAN, WAIT A MINUTE! I BOMBED... THAT'S RIGHT, I BOMBED THE FEDERAL RESERVE BANK.

I BOMBED... THAT'S RIGHT, I BOMBED THE FEDERAL RESERVE BANK. THAT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH.

BOMBED THE FEDERAL RESERVE BANK. THAT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH. ANYTHING ELSE?

THAT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH. ANYTHING ELSE? THE BIG ONE... FIVE

ANYTHING ELSE? THE BIG ONE... FIVE ASSASSINATION ATTEMPTS.

THE BIG ONE... FIVE ASSASSINATION ATTEMPTS. LOOK, LOOK, LOOK, LOOK.

ASSASSINATION ATTEMPTS. LOOK, LOOK, LOOK, LOOK. YOU'RE BEING NO HELP AT ALL

LOOK, LOOK, LOOK, LOOK. YOU'RE BEING NO HELP AT ALL HERE.

YOU'RE BEING NO HELP AT ALL HERE. YOU COME IN HERE.

HERE. YOU COME IN HERE. YOU WANT US TO FIND A FILE ON

YOU COME IN HERE. YOU WANT US TO FIND A FILE ON YOU.

YOU WANT US TO FIND A FILE ON YOU. YOU COME IN HERE WITH THIS

YOU. YOU COME IN HERE WITH THIS PATSIFIED DRIVEL OF KNOWLEDGE

YOU COME IN HERE WITH THIS PATSIFIED DRIVEL OF KNOWLEDGE AND EXPECT US TO WORK HERE?

PATSIFIED DRIVEL OF KNOWLEDGE AND EXPECT US TO WORK HERE? I CAN'T FIND ANYTHING IN THIS

AND EXPECT US TO WORK HERE? I CAN'T FIND ANYTHING IN THIS OFFICE.

I CAN'T FIND ANYTHING IN THIS OFFICE. I DON'T KNOW WHO'S BEEN IN HERE.

OFFICE. I DON'T KNOW WHO'S BEEN IN HERE. THESE CONGRESSIONAL AIDES ASKING

I DON'T KNOW WHO'S BEEN IN HERE. THESE CONGRESSIONAL AIDES ASKING FOR TAPE-RECORDER BATTERIES...

THESE CONGRESSIONAL AIDES ASKING FOR TAPE-RECORDER BATTERIES... THEY DON'T HAVE SECURITY

FOR TAPE-RECORDER BATTERIES... THEY DON'T HAVE SECURITY CLEARANCE.

THEY DON'T HAVE SECURITY CLEARANCE. GIVE ME SOME TIME ON THIS,

CLEARANCE. GIVE ME SOME TIME ON THIS, PERHAPS A MONTH, PERHAPS A YEAR.

GIVE ME SOME TIME ON THIS, PERHAPS A MONTH, PERHAPS A YEAR. I DON'T KNOW.

PERHAPS A MONTH, PERHAPS A YEAR. I DON'T KNOW. I FRANKLY DON'T KNOW.

I DON'T KNOW. I FRANKLY DON'T KNOW. FILL OUT THIS CARD HERE.

I FRANKLY DON'T KNOW. FILL OUT THIS CARD HERE. PUT YOUR NAME, YOUR ADDRESS ON

FILL OUT THIS CARD HERE. PUT YOUR NAME, YOUR ADDRESS ON IT, VITAL STATISTICS.

PUT YOUR NAME, YOUR ADDRESS ON IT, VITAL STATISTICS. IF SOMETHING COMES UP... NOT

IT, VITAL STATISTICS. IF SOMETHING COMES UP... NOT THAT ONE, THIS ONE HERE.

IF SOMETHING COMES UP... NOT THAT ONE, THIS ONE HERE. THAT'S MINE.

THAT ONE, THIS ONE HERE. THAT'S MINE. IF SOMETHING COMES UP, WE'LL LET

THAT'S MINE. IF SOMETHING COMES UP, WE'LL LET YOU KNOW.

IF SOMETHING COMES UP, WE'LL LET YOU KNOW. THE LAST TWO SPACES DON'T MATTER

YOU KNOW. THE LAST TWO SPACES DON'T MATTER AT ALL.

THE LAST TWO SPACES DON'T MATTER AT ALL. OKAY, THANKS.

AT ALL. OKAY, THANKS. ALL RIGHT, THEN.

OKAY, THANKS. ALL RIGHT, THEN. THESE YOUNG-FACED CONGRESSIONAL

ALL RIGHT, THEN. THESE YOUNG-FACED CONGRESSIONAL AIDES, COULDN'T BE 25 YEARS OF

THESE YOUNG-FACED CONGRESSIONAL AIDES, COULDN'T BE 25 YEARS OF AGE...

AIDES, COULDN'T BE 25 YEARS OF AGE... RUSS, I WANT A TAP ON 143

AGE... RUSS, I WANT A TAP ON 143 "L" STREET, APARTMENT 8.

RUSS, I WANT A TAP ON 143 "L" STREET, APARTMENT 8. SALLY, COME IN HERE AND GET SOME

"L" STREET, APARTMENT 8. SALLY, COME IN HERE AND GET SOME PRINTS OFF THIS PENCIL.

SALLY, COME IN HERE AND GET SOME PRINTS OFF THIS PENCIL. WE'RE OPENING A NEW SUBJECT

PRINTS OFF THIS PENCIL. WE'RE OPENING A NEW SUBJECT FILE.

WE'RE OPENING A NEW SUBJECT FILE. THAT'S "MORRIS"...

FILE. THAT'S "MORRIS"... M-O-DOUBLE-R-I-S.

THAT'S "MORRIS"... M-O-DOUBLE-R-I-S. G-A-R-R-E-T-T.

["JAWS" THEME PLAYS] WHO IS IT? THIS IS [MUMBLES]

WHO IS IT? THIS IS [MUMBLES] WHO IS IT?

THIS IS [MUMBLES] WHO IS IT? PLUMBER.

WHO IS IT? PLUMBER. PLUMBER?

PLUMBER. PLUMBER? I DIDN'T ASK FOR A PLUMBER.

PLUMBER? I DIDN'T ASK FOR A PLUMBER. WHO IS IT?

I DIDN'T ASK FOR A PLUMBER. WHO IS IT? TELEGRAM.

WHO IS IT? TELEGRAM. OH, TELEGRAM.

TELEGRAM. OH, TELEGRAM. JUST A MOMENT.

OH, TELEGRAM. JUST A MOMENT. AAAH!

OH, MY GOD! YOU CAN'T TELL ME THIS WOMAN WAS KILLED BY FALLING OUT OF A TREE.

YOU CAN'T TELL ME THIS WOMAN WAS KILLED BY FALLING OUT OF A TREE. WHAT IS IT?

KILLED BY FALLING OUT OF A TREE. WHAT IS IT? LAND SHARK... THE CLEVEREST

WHAT IS IT? LAND SHARK... THE CLEVEREST SPECIES OF THEM ALL.

LAND SHARK... THE CLEVEREST SPECIES OF THEM ALL. OH, MY GOD.

[MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO] [KNOCK ON DOOR] [MUSIC STOPS]

[KNOCK ON DOOR] [MUSIC STOPS] ["JAWS" THEME PLAYS]

[MUSIC STOPS] ["JAWS" THEME PLAYS] YES?

["JAWS" THEME PLAYS] YES? MRS. ARLSBERGH?

YES? MRS. ARLSBERGH? WHO?

MRS. ARLSBERGH? WHO? MRS. [MUMBLES]

WHO? MRS. [MUMBLES] WHO IS IT?

MRS. [MUMBLES] WHO IS IT? FLOWERS.

WHO IS IT? FLOWERS. FLOWERS FOR WHOM?

FLOWERS. FLOWERS FOR WHOM? PLUMBER, MA'AM.

FLOWERS FOR WHOM? PLUMBER, MA'AM. I DON'T NEED A PLUMBER.

PLUMBER, MA'AM. I DON'T NEED A PLUMBER. YOU'RE THAT CLEVER SHARK, AREN'T

I DON'T NEED A PLUMBER. YOU'RE THAT CLEVER SHARK, AREN'T YOU?

YOU'RE THAT CLEVER SHARK, AREN'T YOU? CANDYGRAM.

YOU? CANDYGRAM. CANDYGRAM, MY FOOT!

CANDYGRAM. CANDYGRAM, MY FOOT! YOU GET OUT OF HERE BEFORE I

CANDYGRAM, MY FOOT! YOU GET OUT OF HERE BEFORE I CALL THE POLICE.

YOU GET OUT OF HERE BEFORE I CALL THE POLICE. YOU'RE THE SHARK, AND YOU KNOW

CALL THE POLICE. YOU'RE THE SHARK, AND YOU KNOW IT.

YOU'RE THE SHARK, AND YOU KNOW IT. I-I'M ONLY A DOLPHIN, MA'AM.

IT. I-I'M ONLY A DOLPHIN, MA'AM. A DOLPHIN?

I-I'M ONLY A DOLPHIN, MA'AM. A DOLPHIN? WELL, OKAY.

A DOLPHIN? WELL, OKAY. AAAAH!

OH, MY GOD! WHAT IS IT? EGG SALAD AGAIN.

[DOORBELL BUZZES] WHO IS IT? LAND SHARK.

WHO IS IT? LAND SHARK. OH, WALTER!

LAND SHARK. OH, WALTER! "LAND SHARK"... THAT IS THE C...

OH, WALTER! "LAND SHARK"... THAT IS THE C... AAAAAH!

HELLO, WALTER? I HAVE SOME GOOD NEWS, AND I HAVE SOME BAD NEWS.

I HAVE SOME GOOD NEWS, AND I HAVE SOME BAD NEWS. FIRST, THE GOOD NEWS.

HAVE SOME BAD NEWS. FIRST, THE GOOD NEWS. BETTY AND I ARE HAVING A PARTY

FIRST, THE GOOD NEWS. BETTY AND I ARE HAVING A PARTY TONIGHT.

BETTY AND I ARE HAVING A PARTY TONIGHT. COME ON OVER.

TONIGHT. COME ON OVER. YOU'LL HAVE A GREAT TIME.

COME ON OVER. YOU'LL HAVE A GREAT TIME. NOW THE BAD NEWS... YOU'LL BE

YOU'LL HAVE A GREAT TIME. NOW THE BAD NEWS... YOU'LL BE COMING STAG.

CONSIDERED THE CLEVEREST OF ALL SHARKS. UNLIKE THE GREAT WHITE, WHICH

OF ALL SHARKS. UNLIKE THE GREAT WHITE, WHICH TENDS TO INHABIT THE WATERS OF

UNLIKE THE GREAT WHITE, WHICH TENDS TO INHABIT THE WATERS OF HARBORS AND RECREATIONAL BEACH

TENDS TO INHABIT THE WATERS OF HARBORS AND RECREATIONAL BEACH AREAS, THE LAND SHARK MAY STRIKE

HARBORS AND RECREATIONAL BEACH AREAS, THE LAND SHARK MAY STRIKE AT ANY TIME, ANY PLACE.

AREAS, THE LAND SHARK MAY STRIKE AT ANY TIME, ANY PLACE. IT IS CAPABLE OF DISGUISING ITS

AT ANY TIME, ANY PLACE. IT IS CAPABLE OF DISGUISING ITS VOICE AND GENERALLY ATTACKS

IT IS CAPABLE OF DISGUISING ITS VOICE AND GENERALLY ATTACKS YOUNG, SINGLE WOMEN.

VOICE AND GENERALLY ATTACKS YOUNG, SINGLE WOMEN. EXPERTS AT THE UNIVERSITY OF

YOUNG, SINGLE WOMEN. EXPERTS AT THE UNIVERSITY OF MIAMI'S OCEANOGRAPHIC INSTITUTE

EXPERTS AT THE UNIVERSITY OF MIAMI'S OCEANOGRAPHIC INSTITUTE SUGGEST THAT THE BEST WAY TO

MIAMI'S OCEANOGRAPHIC INSTITUTE SUGGEST THAT THE BEST WAY TO SCARE OFF THE SHARK IN THE EVENT

SUGGEST THAT THE BEST WAY TO SCARE OFF THE SHARK IN THE EVENT OF AN ATTACK IS TO HIT OR PUNCH

SCARE OFF THE SHARK IN THE EVENT OF AN ATTACK IS TO HIT OR PUNCH THE PREDATOR IN THE NOSE.

OF AN ATTACK IS TO HIT OR PUNCH THE PREDATOR IN THE NOSE. NOW FOR THE WEATHER.

THE PREDATOR IN THE NOSE. NOW FOR THE WEATHER. IN THE...

NOW FOR THE WEATHER. IN THE... [DOORBELL RINGS]

IN THE... [DOORBELL RINGS] WHO IS IT?

[DOORBELL RINGS] WHO IS IT? ["JAWS" THEME PLAYS]

WHO IS IT? ["JAWS" THEME PLAYS] SORRY TO DISTURB YOU, MA'AM.

["JAWS" THEME PLAYS] SORRY TO DISTURB YOU, MA'AM. I'M FROM JEHOVAH'S WITNESSES...

SORRY TO DISTURB YOU, MA'AM. I'M FROM JEHOVAH'S WITNESSES... AND THOUGHT YOU MIGHT BE

I'M FROM JEHOVAH'S WITNESSES... AND THOUGHT YOU MIGHT BE INTERESTED IN A COPY OF OUR

AND THOUGHT YOU MIGHT BE INTERESTED IN A COPY OF OUR JOURNAL, "THE WATCHTOWER."

INTERESTED IN A COPY OF OUR JOURNAL, "THE WATCHTOWER." WHY, CERTAINLY.

JOURNAL, "THE WATCHTOWER." WHY, CERTAINLY. I'D BE VERY INTERESTED.

WHY, CERTAINLY. I'D BE VERY INTERESTED. WOULD YOU MIND OPENING THE

I'D BE VERY INTERESTED. WOULD YOU MIND OPENING THE DOOR, PLEASE, MA'AM?

WOULD YOU MIND OPENING THE DOOR, PLEASE, MA'AM? UH, SURE. JUST A SECOND.

DOOR, PLEASE, MA'AM? UH, SURE. JUST A SECOND. AAH!

UH, SURE. JUST A SECOND. AAH! [MUSIC STOPS]

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THIS IS SOMEONE I WANTED VERY MUCH TO HAVE ON THE SHOW...

SOMEONE I WANTED VERY MUCH TO HAVE ON THE SHOW... MISS ESTHER PHILLIPS.

HAVE ON THE SHOW... MISS ESTHER PHILLIPS. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

NOW, ESTHER, ONE OF US IS GOING TO SING "WHAT A DIFF'RENCE A DAY MAKES."

TO SING "WHAT A DIFF'RENCE A DAY MAKES." SINCE YOU KNOW THE WORDS,

MAKES." SINCE YOU KNOW THE WORDS, PROBABLY YOU SHOULD DO IT.

SINCE YOU KNOW THE WORDS, PROBABLY YOU SHOULD DO IT. NO, I THINK YOU SHOULD.

PROBABLY YOU SHOULD DO IT. NO, I THINK YOU SHOULD. [BAND PLAYS]

NO, I THINK YOU SHOULD. [BAND PLAYS] BYE, ESTHER!

[BAND PLAYS] BYE, ESTHER! ♪ OHH-WA, AHH, OHH-WA, AHHH ♪

BYE, ESTHER! ♪ OHH-WA, AHH, OHH-WA, AHHH ♪ ♪ WHAT A DIFF'RENCE A DAY

♪ OHH-WA, AHH, OHH-WA, AHHH ♪ ♪ WHAT A DIFF'RENCE A DAY MAKES ♪

♪ WHAT A DIFF'RENCE A DAY MAKES ♪ ♪ 24 LITTLE HOURS ♪

MAKES ♪ ♪ 24 LITTLE HOURS ♪ ♪ BROUGHT THE SUN AND THE

♪ 24 LITTLE HOURS ♪ ♪ BROUGHT THE SUN AND THE FLOWERS ♪

♪ BROUGHT THE SUN AND THE FLOWERS ♪ ♪ WHERE THERE USED TO BE RAIN ♪

FLOWERS ♪ ♪ WHERE THERE USED TO BE RAIN ♪ ♪ MY YESTERDAY WAS BLUE, DEAR ♪

♪ WHERE THERE USED TO BE RAIN ♪ ♪ MY YESTERDAY WAS BLUE, DEAR ♪ ♪ TODAY I'M PART OF YOU, DEAR ♪

♪ MY YESTERDAY WAS BLUE, DEAR ♪ ♪ TODAY I'M PART OF YOU, DEAR ♪ ♪ MY LONELY NIGHTS ARE THROUGH,

♪ TODAY I'M PART OF YOU, DEAR ♪ ♪ MY LONELY NIGHTS ARE THROUGH, DEAR ♪

♪ MY LONELY NIGHTS ARE THROUGH, DEAR ♪ ♪ SINCE YOU SAID YOU WERE MINE ♪

DEAR ♪ ♪ SINCE YOU SAID YOU WERE MINE ♪ ♪ WHAT A DIFF'RENCE A DAY

♪ SINCE YOU SAID YOU WERE MINE ♪ ♪ WHAT A DIFF'RENCE A DAY MAKES ♪

♪ WHAT A DIFF'RENCE A DAY MAKES ♪ ♪ THERE'S A RAINBOW BEFORE ME ♪

MAKES ♪ ♪ THERE'S A RAINBOW BEFORE ME ♪ ♪ SKIES ABOVE CAN'T BE STORMY ♪

♪ THERE'S A RAINBOW BEFORE ME ♪ ♪ SKIES ABOVE CAN'T BE STORMY ♪ ♪ SINCE THAT MOMENT OF BLISS ♪

♪ SKIES ABOVE CAN'T BE STORMY ♪ ♪ SINCE THAT MOMENT OF BLISS ♪ ♪ THAT THRILLING KISS ♪

♪ SINCE THAT MOMENT OF BLISS ♪ ♪ THAT THRILLING KISS ♪ ♪ IT'S HEAVEN WHEN YOU

♪ THAT THRILLING KISS ♪ ♪ IT'S HEAVEN WHEN YOU FIND ROMANCE ON YOUR MENU ♪

♪ IT'S HEAVEN WHEN YOU FIND ROMANCE ON YOUR MENU ♪ ♪ WHAT A DIFF'RENCE A DAY

FIND ROMANCE ON YOUR MENU ♪ ♪ WHAT A DIFF'RENCE A DAY MAKES ♪

♪ WHAT A DIFF'RENCE A DAY MAKES ♪ ♪ AND THE DIFF'RENCE IS YOU ♪

MAKES ♪ ♪ AND THE DIFF'RENCE IS YOU ♪ ♪ OH, YES ♪

♪ AND THE DIFF'RENCE IS YOU ♪ ♪ OH, YES ♪ ♪ OH, YES ♪

♪ OH, YES ♪ ♪ OH, YES ♪ ♪ OHHH ♪

♪ OH, YES ♪ ♪ OHHH ♪ ♪ UH-HUH ♪

♪ OHHH ♪ ♪ UH-HUH ♪ ♪ OHHH, YES ♪

♪ UH-HUH ♪ ♪ OHHH, YES ♪ ♪ OHHH ♪

♪ OHHH, YES ♪ ♪ OHHH ♪ ♪ OHHH ♪

♪ OHHH ♪ ♪ OHHH ♪ ♪ OHHH, YES ♪

♪ OHHH ♪ ♪ OHHH, YES ♪ ♪ OHHH ♪

♪ OHHH, YES ♪ ♪ OHHH ♪ ♪ WHAT A DIFF'RENCE A DAY

♪ OHHH ♪ ♪ WHAT A DIFF'RENCE A DAY MAKES ♪

♪ WHAT A DIFF'RENCE A DAY MAKES ♪ ♪ 24 LITTLE HOURS ♪

MAKES ♪ ♪ 24 LITTLE HOURS ♪ ♪ BROUGHT THE SUN AND THE

♪ 24 LITTLE HOURS ♪ ♪ BROUGHT THE SUN AND THE FLOWERS ♪

♪ BROUGHT THE SUN AND THE FLOWERS ♪ ♪ WHERE THERE USED TO BE RAIN ♪

FLOWERS ♪ ♪ WHERE THERE USED TO BE RAIN ♪ ♪ MY YESTERDAY WAS BLUE, DEAR ♪

♪ WHERE THERE USED TO BE RAIN ♪ ♪ MY YESTERDAY WAS BLUE, DEAR ♪ ♪ TODAY I'M PART OF YOU, DEAR ♪

♪ MY YESTERDAY WAS BLUE, DEAR ♪ ♪ TODAY I'M PART OF YOU, DEAR ♪ ♪ MY LONELY NIGHTS ARE THROUGH,

♪ TODAY I'M PART OF YOU, DEAR ♪ ♪ MY LONELY NIGHTS ARE THROUGH, DEAR ♪

♪ MY LONELY NIGHTS ARE THROUGH, DEAR ♪ ♪ SINCE YOU SAID YOU WERE MINE ♪

DEAR ♪ ♪ SINCE YOU SAID YOU WERE MINE ♪ ♪ WHAT A DIFF'RENCE A DAY

♪ SINCE YOU SAID YOU WERE MINE ♪ ♪ WHAT A DIFF'RENCE A DAY MAKES ♪

♪ WHAT A DIFF'RENCE A DAY MAKES ♪ ♪ THERE'S A RAINBOW BEFORE ME ♪

MAKES ♪ ♪ THERE'S A RAINBOW BEFORE ME ♪ ♪ SKIES ABOVE CAN'T BE STORMY ♪

♪ THERE'S A RAINBOW BEFORE ME ♪ ♪ SKIES ABOVE CAN'T BE STORMY ♪ ♪ SINCE THAT MOMENT OF BLISS ♪

♪ SKIES ABOVE CAN'T BE STORMY ♪ ♪ SINCE THAT MOMENT OF BLISS ♪ ♪ OH, THAT THRILLING KISS ♪

♪ SINCE THAT MOMENT OF BLISS ♪ ♪ OH, THAT THRILLING KISS ♪ ♪ IT'S HEAVEN WHEN YOU

♪ OH, THAT THRILLING KISS ♪ ♪ IT'S HEAVEN WHEN YOU FIND ROMANCE ON YOUR MENU ♪

♪ IT'S HEAVEN WHEN YOU FIND ROMANCE ON YOUR MENU ♪ ♪ WHAT A DIFF'RENCE A DAY

FIND ROMANCE ON YOUR MENU ♪ ♪ WHAT A DIFF'RENCE A DAY MAKES ♪

♪ WHAT A DIFF'RENCE A DAY MAKES ♪ ♪ AND THE DIFF'RENCE IS YOU ♪

MAKES ♪ ♪ AND THE DIFF'RENCE IS YOU ♪ ♪ I SAID THE DIFF'RENCE IS YOU ♪

♪ AND THE DIFF'RENCE IS YOU ♪ ♪ I SAID THE DIFF'RENCE IS YOU ♪ ♪ I SAID THE DIFF'RENCE IS YOU ♪

♪ I SAID THE DIFF'RENCE IS YOU ♪ ♪ I SAID THE DIFF'RENCE IS YOU ♪ ♪ YOU, YOU, YOU, YOU, YOU, YOU

♪ I SAID THE DIFF'RENCE IS YOU ♪ ♪ YOU, YOU, YOU, YOU, YOU, YOU YOU, YOU, YOU ♪

♪ YOU, YOU, YOU, YOU, YOU, YOU YOU, YOU, YOU ♪ ♪ I SAID THE DIFF'RENCE IS YOU,

YOU, YOU, YOU ♪ ♪ I SAID THE DIFF'RENCE IS YOU, YEAH ♪

♪ I SAID THE DIFF'RENCE IS YOU, YEAH ♪ ♪ WHAT A DIFFERENCE A DAY

YEAH ♪ ♪ WHAT A DIFFERENCE A DAY MAKES ♪

♪ WHAT A DIFFERENCE A DAY MAKES ♪ ♪ OH, YEAH ♪

MAKES ♪ ♪ OH, YEAH ♪ ♪ THE DIFF'RENCE IS YOU, YEAH ♪

♪ OH, YEAH ♪ ♪ THE DIFF'RENCE IS YOU, YEAH ♪ ♪ I SAID THE DIFF'RENCE IS YOU ♪

♪ THE DIFF'RENCE IS YOU, YEAH ♪ ♪ I SAID THE DIFF'RENCE IS YOU ♪ [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

ALAS, POOR YORICK. I KNEW HIM, HORATIO... A FELLOW OF INFINITE JEST, OF MOST

I KNEW HIM, HORATIO... A FELLOW OF INFINITE JEST, OF MOST EXCELLENT FANCY.

OF INFINITE JEST, OF MOST EXCELLENT FANCY. HE HATH BORNE ME ON HIS BACK A

EXCELLENT FANCY. HE HATH BORNE ME ON HIS BACK A THOUSAND TIMES, AND NOW...

HE HATH BORNE ME ON HIS BACK A THOUSAND TIMES, AND NOW... HOW ABHORRED IN MY IMAGINATION

THOUSAND TIMES, AND NOW... HOW ABHORRED IN MY IMAGINATION IT IS.

HOW ABHORRED IN MY IMAGINATION IT IS. MY GORGE RISES AT IT.

IT IS. MY GORGE RISES AT IT. HERE... HERE HUNG THOSE LIPS

MY GORGE RISES AT IT. HERE... HERE HUNG THOSE LIPS THAT I HAVE KISSED I KNOW NOT

HERE... HERE HUNG THOSE LIPS THAT I HAVE KISSED I KNOW NOT HOW OFT.

THAT I HAVE KISSED I KNOW NOT HOW OFT. WHERE BE YOUR GIBES NOW, YOUR

HOW OFT. WHERE BE YOUR GIBES NOW, YOUR GAMBOLS?

WHERE BE YOUR GIBES NOW, YOUR GAMBOLS? WHERE...

GAMBOLS? WHERE... ALAS, POOR YORICK.

WHERE... ALAS, POOR YORICK. A THOUSAND TIMES.

ALAS, POOR YORICK. A THOUSAND TIMES. HELLO, DOLLY!

A THOUSAND TIMES. HELLO, DOLLY! POOR... I KNEW HIM REALLY GOOD.

HELLO, DOLLY! POOR... I KNEW HIM REALLY GOOD. HE WAS A GREAT GUY.

POOR... I KNEW HIM REALLY GOOD. HE WAS A GREAT GUY. IT LOOKS LIKE IT'S TIME FOR THE

HE WAS A GREAT GUY. IT LOOKS LIKE IT'S TIME FOR THE POLAROID COMMERCIAL.

IT LOOKS LIKE IT'S TIME FOR THE POLAROID COMMERCIAL. AH, OKAY.

POLAROID COMMERCIAL. AH, OKAY. CANDICE, I KNOW I DON'T HAVE TO

AH, OKAY. CANDICE, I KNOW I DON'T HAVE TO TELL YOU WHAT THIS IS.

CANDICE, I KNOW I DON'T HAVE TO TELL YOU WHAT THIS IS. NO, CHEVY, I THINK I'VE SEEN

TELL YOU WHAT THIS IS. NO, CHEVY, I THINK I'VE SEEN ONE OF THOSE BEFORE.

NO, CHEVY, I THINK I'VE SEEN ONE OF THOSE BEFORE. POLAROID'S DELUXE SX-70.

ONE OF THOSE BEFORE. POLAROID'S DELUXE SX-70. AND WHY DON'T YOU TELL EVERYBODY

POLAROID'S DELUXE SX-70. AND WHY DON'T YOU TELL EVERYBODY WHAT I'M DOING?

AND WHY DON'T YOU TELL EVERYBODY WHAT I'M DOING? WELL, YOU'RE LOOKING AT ME

WHAT I'M DOING? WELL, YOU'RE LOOKING AT ME THROUGH THE LENS, AND NOW YOU'RE

WELL, YOU'RE LOOKING AT ME THROUGH THE LENS, AND NOW YOU'RE FOCUSING.

THROUGH THE LENS, AND NOW YOU'RE FOCUSING. YOU DO THAT BY TURNING A LITTLE

FOCUSING. YOU DO THAT BY TURNING A LITTLE WHEEL WITH YOUR FINGER.

YOU DO THAT BY TURNING A LITTLE WHEEL WITH YOUR FINGER. I SEE A BLURRY FACE.

WHEEL WITH YOUR FINGER. I SEE A BLURRY FACE. AND NOW I SEE A SHARP BEE.

I SEE A BLURRY FACE. AND NOW I SEE A SHARP BEE. WELL, THAT MEANS YOU'RE IN

AND NOW I SEE A SHARP BEE. WELL, THAT MEANS YOU'RE IN FOCUS AND READY TO PRESS THE RED

WELL, THAT MEANS YOU'RE IN FOCUS AND READY TO PRESS THE RED ELECTRIC BUTTON.

FOCUS AND READY TO PRESS THE RED ELECTRIC BUTTON. ALL RIGHT, TRY TO LOOK

ELECTRIC BUTTON. ALL RIGHT, TRY TO LOOK BEAUTIFUL, CANDICE.

ALL RIGHT, TRY TO LOOK BEAUTIFUL, CANDICE. [CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]

BEAUTIFUL, CANDICE. [CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS] FAR AWAY.

[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS] FAR AWAY. SX-70 PICTURES DEVELOP BEFORE

FAR AWAY. SX-70 PICTURES DEVELOP BEFORE YOUR EYES IN MINUTES, BUT YOU

SX-70 PICTURES DEVELOP BEFORE YOUR EYES IN MINUTES, BUT YOU DON'T SEE MUCH AT FIRST, CHEVY.

YOUR EYES IN MINUTES, BUT YOU DON'T SEE MUCH AT FIRST, CHEVY. WELL, THIS ONE'S STARTING TO

DON'T SEE MUCH AT FIRST, CHEVY. WELL, THIS ONE'S STARTING TO DEVELOP.

WELL, THIS ONE'S STARTING TO DEVELOP. AND HERE ARE A FEW WE TOOK A

DEVELOP. AND HERE ARE A FEW WE TOOK A LITTLE BIT EARLIER.

AND HERE ARE A FEW WE TOOK A LITTLE BIT EARLIER. AND THEY'RE ALREADY DEVELOPED.

LITTLE BIT EARLIER. AND THEY'RE ALREADY DEVELOPED. AND THE CAMERA DOES ALL THE

AND THEY'RE ALREADY DEVELOPED. AND THE CAMERA DOES ALL THE WORK.

AND THE CAMERA DOES ALL THE WORK. THAT'S RIGHT... POLAROID'S

WORK. THAT'S RIGHT... POLAROID'S DELUXE SX-70 LAND CAMERA.

THAT'S RIGHT... POLAROID'S DELUXE SX-70 LAND CAMERA. YOU LOOK LIKE A TURKEY IN

DELUXE SX-70 LAND CAMERA. YOU LOOK LIKE A TURKEY IN THAT COSTUME.

YOU LOOK LIKE A TURKEY IN THAT COSTUME. YOU LOOK LIKE A WASP.

REMEMBER WHEN YOU WERE A LITTLE BOY AND MOTHER WOULD DRESS YOU UP IN HER PRETTIEST

LITTLE BOY AND MOTHER WOULD DRESS YOU UP IN HER PRETTIEST THINGS...

DRESS YOU UP IN HER PRETTIEST THINGS... THE HOURS OF FUN TOGETHER,

THINGS... THE HOURS OF FUN TOGETHER, SHARING SECRETS AND PLANNING

THE HOURS OF FUN TOGETHER, SHARING SECRETS AND PLANNING ELEGANT LITTLE TEA PARTIES?

SHARING SECRETS AND PLANNING ELEGANT LITTLE TEA PARTIES? WELL, MOTHER IS STILL ONLY

ELEGANT LITTLE TEA PARTIES? WELL, MOTHER IS STILL ONLY SECONDS AWAY WHEN YOU DIAL

WELL, MOTHER IS STILL ONLY SECONDS AWAY WHEN YOU DIAL LONG-DISTANCE.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

LONG DISTANCE... IT'S THE NEXT

BEST THING TO BEING HER.

Announcer: AND NOW "WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH CHEVY CHASE.

"WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH CHEVY CHASE. WHAT DO YOU MEAN, YOU'RE

CHEVY CHASE. WHAT DO YOU MEAN, YOU'RE LATE?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, YOU'RE LATE? HOW LATE?

LATE? HOW LATE? TWO WEEKS LATE... THAT COULD BE

HOW LATE? TWO WEEKS LATE... THAT COULD BE EMOTIONAL.

TWO WEEKS LATE... THAT COULD BE EMOTIONAL. DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

EMOTIONAL. DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT. I'LL TAKE CARE OF IT, OKAY?

DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT. I'LL TAKE CARE OF IT, OKAY? OKAY, GOOD BYE, BARBARA...

I'LL TAKE CARE OF IT, OKAY? OKAY, GOOD BYE, BARBARA... MARGARET.

OKAY, GOOD BYE, BARBARA... MARGARET. I'M SORRY. BYE.

MARGARET. I'M SORRY. BYE. GOOD EVENING. I'M CHEVY CHASE.

I'M SORRY. BYE. GOOD EVENING. I'M CHEVY CHASE. AND YOU'RE NOT.

GOOD EVENING. I'M CHEVY CHASE. AND YOU'RE NOT. THE TOP STORY TONIGHT... THE

AND YOU'RE NOT. THE TOP STORY TONIGHT... THE WHITE HOUSE TODAY RELEASED

THE TOP STORY TONIGHT... THE WHITE HOUSE TODAY RELEASED ANOTHER ENEMIES LIST.

WHITE HOUSE TODAY RELEASED ANOTHER ENEMIES LIST. IT'S THE NEW YORK CITY TELEPHONE

ANOTHER ENEMIES LIST. IT'S THE NEW YORK CITY TELEPHONE DIRECTORY.

IT'S THE NEW YORK CITY TELEPHONE DIRECTORY. EGYPT'S PRESIDENT, ANWAR SADAT,

DIRECTORY. EGYPT'S PRESIDENT, ANWAR SADAT, LEFT THIS COUNTRY AFTER A

EGYPT'S PRESIDENT, ANWAR SADAT, LEFT THIS COUNTRY AFTER A TWO-WEEK STAY WITH THE FIRST

LEFT THIS COUNTRY AFTER A TWO-WEEK STAY WITH THE FIRST FAMILY.

TWO-WEEK STAY WITH THE FIRST FAMILY. AS PARTING GIFTS, HE GAVE

FAMILY. AS PARTING GIFTS, HE GAVE MRS. FORD SOME JEWELRY AND

AS PARTING GIFTS, HE GAVE MRS. FORD SOME JEWELRY AND MR. FORD SOME KNEEPADS AND A

MRS. FORD SOME JEWELRY AND MR. FORD SOME KNEEPADS AND A CRASH HELMET.

MR. FORD SOME KNEEPADS AND A CRASH HELMET. GRACIOUSLY ACCEPTING THE GIFTS,

CRASH HELMET. GRACIOUSLY ACCEPTING THE GIFTS, MR. FORD APOLOGIZED FOR EARLIER

GRACIOUSLY ACCEPTING THE GIFTS, MR. FORD APOLOGIZED FOR EARLIER CALLING SADAT THE PRESIDENT OF

MR. FORD APOLOGIZED FOR EARLIER CALLING SADAT THE PRESIDENT OF ISRAEL, RECTIFYING THE FAUX PAS

CALLING SADAT THE PRESIDENT OF ISRAEL, RECTIFYING THE FAUX PAS BY PRESENTING HIM WITH A PIZZA

ISRAEL, RECTIFYING THE FAUX PAS BY PRESENTING HIM WITH A PIZZA AND A NUCLEAR REACTOR.

BY PRESENTING HIM WITH A PIZZA AND A NUCLEAR REACTOR. THE SHAKE-UP IN WASHINGTON

AND A NUCLEAR REACTOR. THE SHAKE-UP IN WASHINGTON CONTINUES FOLLOWING THE RECENT

THE SHAKE-UP IN WASHINGTON CONTINUES FOLLOWING THE RECENT FIRINGS AND HIRINGS.

CONTINUES FOLLOWING THE RECENT FIRINGS AND HIRINGS. WHITE HOUSE SOURCES REPORTED

FIRINGS AND HIRINGS. WHITE HOUSE SOURCES REPORTED TODAY THAT PRESIDENT FORD HAS

WHITE HOUSE SOURCES REPORTED TODAY THAT PRESIDENT FORD HAS ASKED FOR AND RECEIVED THE

TODAY THAT PRESIDENT FORD HAS ASKED FOR AND RECEIVED THE RESIGNATION OF HIS SON JACK.

ASKED FOR AND RECEIVED THE RESIGNATION OF HIS SON JACK. THE POSITION OF "SON" WILL BE

RESIGNATION OF HIS SON JACK. THE POSITION OF "SON" WILL BE TAKEN OVER BY CLEVELAND AMORY, A

THE POSITION OF "SON" WILL BE TAKEN OVER BY CLEVELAND AMORY, A LONGTIME PRESIDENTIAL FAVORITE.

TAKEN OVER BY CLEVELAND AMORY, A LONGTIME PRESIDENTIAL FAVORITE. VICE PRESIDENT

LONGTIME PRESIDENTIAL FAVORITE. VICE PRESIDENT NELSON ROCKEFELLER ANNOUNCED

VICE PRESIDENT NELSON ROCKEFELLER ANNOUNCED THAT HE WILL NOT RUN ON FORD'S

NELSON ROCKEFELLER ANNOUNCED THAT HE WILL NOT RUN ON FORD'S TICKET IN 1976.

THAT HE WILL NOT RUN ON FORD'S TICKET IN 1976. HE COMMENTED THAT FORD IS THE

TICKET IN 1976. HE COMMENTED THAT FORD IS THE ONLY LEADER HE KNOWS WHO IS

HE COMMENTED THAT FORD IS THE ONLY LEADER HE KNOWS WHO IS CAPABLE OF ASSASSINATING HIMSELF

ONLY LEADER HE KNOWS WHO IS CAPABLE OF ASSASSINATING HIMSELF BY MISTAKE.

CAPABLE OF ASSASSINATING HIMSELF BY MISTAKE. WHILE MANHATTAN'S NEW WOMEN'S

BY MISTAKE. WHILE MANHATTAN'S NEW WOMEN'S BANK SEEMS TO BE THRIVING,

WHILE MANHATTAN'S NEW WOMEN'S BANK SEEMS TO BE THRIVING, CONGRESSWOMAN BELLA ABZUG CAME

BANK SEEMS TO BE THRIVING, CONGRESSWOMAN BELLA ABZUG CAME OUT THIS WEEK TO DENY THE RUMOR

CONGRESSWOMAN BELLA ABZUG CAME OUT THIS WEEK TO DENY THE RUMOR THAT THE BANK'S NIGHT DEPOSITORY

OUT THIS WEEK TO DENY THE RUMOR THAT THE BANK'S NIGHT DEPOSITORY WILL BE CLOSED FOUR TO FIVE DAYS

THAT THE BANK'S NIGHT DEPOSITORY WILL BE CLOSED FOUR TO FIVE DAYS EVERY MONTH.

WILL BE CLOSED FOUR TO FIVE DAYS EVERY MONTH. MRS. ABZUG SAID THAT NOT ONLY IS

EVERY MONTH. MRS. ABZUG SAID THAT NOT ONLY IS THE RUMOR SEXIST, BUT IS ALSO A

MRS. ABZUG SAID THAT NOT ONLY IS THE RUMOR SEXIST, BUT IS ALSO A SWITCH ON AN OLD JOKE DONE MANY

THE RUMOR SEXIST, BUT IS ALSO A SWITCH ON AN OLD JOKE DONE MANY YEARS AGO BY JACK CARTER.

SWITCH ON AN OLD JOKE DONE MANY YEARS AGO BY JACK CARTER. AS A WEDDING PRESENT TO ACTRESS

YEARS AGO BY JACK CARTER. AS A WEDDING PRESENT TO ACTRESS ELIZABETH TAYLOR ON THEIR SECOND

AS A WEDDING PRESENT TO ACTRESS ELIZABETH TAYLOR ON THEIR SECOND MARRIAGE, A MALARIA-STRICKEN

ELIZABETH TAYLOR ON THEIR SECOND MARRIAGE, A MALARIA-STRICKEN RICHARD BURTON GAVE HIS WIFE

MARRIAGE, A MALARIA-STRICKEN RICHARD BURTON GAVE HIS WIFE WHAT HE CALLS A DO-IT-YOURSELF

RICHARD BURTON GAVE HIS WIFE WHAT HE CALLS A DO-IT-YOURSELF FUR COAT KIT.

WHAT HE CALLS A DO-IT-YOURSELF FUR COAT KIT. THE BICENTENNIAL COMMITTEE

FUR COAT KIT. THE BICENTENNIAL COMMITTEE ANNOUNCED TODAY THAT

THE BICENTENNIAL COMMITTEE ANNOUNCED TODAY THAT GEORGE WASHINGTON'S WOODEN

ANNOUNCED TODAY THAT GEORGE WASHINGTON'S WOODEN DENTURES HAVE BEEN DISCOVERED BY

GEORGE WASHINGTON'S WOODEN DENTURES HAVE BEEN DISCOVERED BY A MOUNT VERNON CURATOR.

DENTURES HAVE BEEN DISCOVERED BY A MOUNT VERNON CURATOR. FOUND WITH THE DENTURES, A

A MOUNT VERNON CURATOR. FOUND WITH THE DENTURES, A DOCUMENT PROVING THAT AMERICA'S

FOUND WITH THE DENTURES, A DOCUMENT PROVING THAT AMERICA'S FIRST PRESIDENT ACTUALLY BRUSHED

DOCUMENT PROVING THAT AMERICA'S FIRST PRESIDENT ACTUALLY BRUSHED HIS TEETH WITH FURNITURE POLISH.

FIRST PRESIDENT ACTUALLY BRUSHED HIS TEETH WITH FURNITURE POLISH. A SERIOUS NOTE...

HIS TEETH WITH FURNITURE POLISH. A SERIOUS NOTE... VANDALS BROKE INTO THE LOUVRE IN

A SERIOUS NOTE... VANDALS BROKE INTO THE LOUVRE IN PARIS LAST NIGHT AND ATTACHED

VANDALS BROKE INTO THE LOUVRE IN PARIS LAST NIGHT AND ATTACHED ARMS TO THE FAMED VENUS de MILO

PARIS LAST NIGHT AND ATTACHED ARMS TO THE FAMED VENUS de MILO SCULPTURE.

ARMS TO THE FAMED VENUS de MILO SCULPTURE. SAID THE HEARTBROKEN CURATOR OF

SCULPTURE. SAID THE HEARTBROKEN CURATOR OF THE MUSEUM, "I DO NOT SPEAK

SAID THE HEARTBROKEN CURATOR OF THE MUSEUM, "I DO NOT SPEAK ENGLISH."

THE MUSEUM, "I DO NOT SPEAK ENGLISH." AND NOW FOR THE "WEEKEND UPDATE"

ENGLISH." AND NOW FOR THE "WEEKEND UPDATE" LIVE, ON-THE-SPOT TRAFFIC

AND NOW FOR THE "WEEKEND UPDATE" LIVE, ON-THE-SPOT TRAFFIC REPORT.

LIVE, ON-THE-SPOT TRAFFIC REPORT. A STALLED VEHICLE ON THE

REPORT. A STALLED VEHICLE ON THE OFF-RAMP FROM U.S. 80 EXITING TO

A STALLED VEHICLE ON THE OFF-RAMP FROM U.S. 80 EXITING TO 4th AVENUE IN GARY, INDIANA, HAS

OFF-RAMP FROM U.S. 80 EXITING TO 4th AVENUE IN GARY, INDIANA, HAS TIED UP TRAFFIC THERE, BUT ONLY

4th AVENUE IN GARY, INDIANA, HAS TIED UP TRAFFIC THERE, BUT ONLY LEG TRAFFIC, AS REPORTED ON THE

TIED UP TRAFFIC THERE, BUT ONLY LEG TRAFFIC, AS REPORTED ON THE SOUTHBOUND GOLDEN GATE BRIDGE

LEG TRAFFIC, AS REPORTED ON THE SOUTHBOUND GOLDEN GATE BRIDGE LANE LEAVING SAN FRANCISCO.

SOUTHBOUND GOLDEN GATE BRIDGE LANE LEAVING SAN FRANCISCO. BIRMINGHAM, ALABAMA, HIGHWAY

LANE LEAVING SAN FRANCISCO. BIRMINGHAM, ALABAMA, HIGHWAY AUTHORITIES REPORT SPORADIC

BIRMINGHAM, ALABAMA, HIGHWAY AUTHORITIES REPORT SPORADIC TIE-UPS FOLLOWING AN OVERTURNED

AUTHORITIES REPORT SPORADIC TIE-UPS FOLLOWING AN OVERTURNED TRUCK AND A BROKEN TRAFFIC LIGHT

TIE-UPS FOLLOWING AN OVERTURNED TRUCK AND A BROKEN TRAFFIC LIGHT ON ORVAL FAUBUS BOULEVARD.

TRUCK AND A BROKEN TRAFFIC LIGHT ON ORVAL FAUBUS BOULEVARD. ALL IN ALL, THERE SEEMS TO BE NO

ON ORVAL FAUBUS BOULEVARD. ALL IN ALL, THERE SEEMS TO BE NO MAJOR TIE-UPS EXCEPT FOR THE

ALL IN ALL, THERE SEEMS TO BE NO MAJOR TIE-UPS EXCEPT FOR THE USUAL SATURDAY NIGHT DRUG

MAJOR TIE-UPS EXCEPT FOR THE USUAL SATURDAY NIGHT DRUG TRAFFIC IN THE GREAT LAKES

USUAL SATURDAY NIGHT DRUG TRAFFIC IN THE GREAT LAKES REGION.

TRAFFIC IN THE GREAT LAKES REGION. STILL TO COME, JERRY FORD'S

REGION. STILL TO COME, JERRY FORD'S COLLEGE FOOTBALL DAYS AFTER THIS

STILL TO COME, JERRY FORD'S COLLEGE FOOTBALL DAYS AFTER THIS FILMED MESSAGE.

ARTHRITIS IN THE ADULT IS PAINFUL, LONELY, AND SOMETIMES DIFFICULT TO MANAGE.

PAINFUL, LONELY, AND SOMETIMES DIFFICULT TO MANAGE. ARTHRITIS IS PARTICULARLY

DIFFICULT TO MANAGE. ARTHRITIS IS PARTICULARLY ANNOYING WHEN COUPLED WITH

ARTHRITIS IS PARTICULARLY ANNOYING WHEN COUPLED WITH NEURALGIA AND SEVERE MUSCULAR

ANNOYING WHEN COUPLED WITH NEURALGIA AND SEVERE MUSCULAR TENSION.

NEURALGIA AND SEVERE MUSCULAR TENSION. ABRUPT WEATHER CHANGES CAN ADD

TENSION. ABRUPT WEATHER CHANGES CAN ADD DISCOMFORT.

ABRUPT WEATHER CHANGES CAN ADD DISCOMFORT. INFLAMED TISSUES CAN CAUSE LOCAL

DISCOMFORT. INFLAMED TISSUES CAN CAUSE LOCAL SWELLING, CALLING FOR SPECIAL

INFLAMED TISSUES CAN CAUSE LOCAL SWELLING, CALLING FOR SPECIAL RELIEF.

SWELLING, CALLING FOR SPECIAL RELIEF. TRIOPENIN, A COMPOUND OF

RELIEF. TRIOPENIN, A COMPOUND OF POWERFUL ANTI-ARTHRITIC

TRIOPENIN, A COMPOUND OF POWERFUL ANTI-ARTHRITIC SPANSULES AND ANTIHISTAMINES,

POWERFUL ANTI-ARTHRITIC SPANSULES AND ANTIHISTAMINES, SPEEDS SOOTHING RELIEF WHERE

SPANSULES AND ANTIHISTAMINES, SPEEDS SOOTHING RELIEF WHERE NEEDED.

SPEEDS SOOTHING RELIEF WHERE NEEDED. TRIOPENIN IS GENTLE,

NEEDED. TRIOPENIN IS GENTLE, NON-HABIT-FORMING, AIDS IN

TRIOPENIN IS GENTLE, NON-HABIT-FORMING, AIDS IN SOOTHING MUSCLES AND LIBERATING

NON-HABIT-FORMING, AIDS IN SOOTHING MUSCLES AND LIBERATING STIFF, PAINFUL JOINTS.

SOOTHING MUSCLES AND LIBERATING STIFF, PAINFUL JOINTS. SOON, YOU'RE HANDLING LIFE

STIFF, PAINFUL JOINTS. SOON, YOU'RE HANDLING LIFE AGAIN, FEELING BETTER, AND

SOON, YOU'RE HANDLING LIFE AGAIN, FEELING BETTER, AND GETTING A FIRM GRASP ON THE

AGAIN, FEELING BETTER, AND GETTING A FIRM GRASP ON THE SITUATION.

TRIOPENIN... GET YOUR HANDS

WORKING AGAIN.

NOW WITH THE NEW CHILDPROOF

SAFETY CAP.

LAST WEEK ON THIS BROADCAST, "WEEKEND UPDATE" PRESENTED AN EDITORIAL IN WHICH WE SPOKE IN

"WEEKEND UPDATE" PRESENTED AN EDITORIAL IN WHICH WE SPOKE IN FAVOR OF FEDERAL AID TO

EDITORIAL IN WHICH WE SPOKE IN FAVOR OF FEDERAL AID TO NEW YORK CITY.

FAVOR OF FEDERAL AID TO NEW YORK CITY. HERE TO REPLY TO THAT EDITORIAL

NEW YORK CITY. HERE TO REPLY TO THAT EDITORIAL IS CONGRESSWOMAN JANE CURTIN.

NEW YORK CITY MAY STILL BE

THE BIG APPLE, BUT EVERY APPLE

MUST SOONER OR LATER ROT.

PRESIDENT FORD IS RIGHT WHEN HE

SAYS THAT THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT

CANNOT ARREST A NATURAL PROCESS

SIMPLY BY SHINING THE APPLE TO

MAKE IT MORE APPETIZING.

EVENTUALLY THE APPLE MUST EITHER

BE EATEN OR ALLOWED TO DIE ON

ITS OWN.

FRANKLY, I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THE

PRESIDENT MEANT BY THIS METAPHOR

EITHER, BUT I DO KNOW THIS.

MONEY DOES NOT GROW ON TREES.

WE SIMPLY CANNOT AND MUST NOT

WASTE FUNDS ON A DYING CITY WHEN

THESE FUNDS CAN BE USED BY THE

PENTAGON TO PROTECT THE REST OF

OUR PEOPLE FROM INEVITABLE

NUCLEAR ATTACK.

THANK YOU.

"WEEKEND UPDATE" RECOGNIZES

ITS OBLIGATION TO PRESENT

RESPONSIBLE OPPOSING VIEWPOINTS

TO OUR EDITORIALS WHEN AND WHERE

TIME PERMITS.

AND NOW AS A PUBLIC SERVICE TO

THOSE OF OUR VIEWERS WHO HAVE

DIFFICULTY WITH THEIR HEARING, I

WILL REPEAT THE TOP STORY OF THE

DAY, AIDED BY THE HEADMASTER OF

THE NEW YORK SCHOOL FOR THE

HARD-OF-HEARING, GARRETT MORRIS.

THE TOP STORY TONIGHT...

THE TOP STORY TONIGHT... THE

WHITE HOUSE HAS RELEASED ITS

LATEST ENEMIES LIST, THE

NEW YORK TELEPHONE DIRECTORY!

GOOD NIGHT, AND HAVE A PLEASANT

TOMORROW!

[French accent] IT IS NOT EASY BEING CATHERINE DENEUVE. OH, YOU ARE SURPRISED?

EASY BEING CATHERINE DENEUVE. OH, YOU ARE SURPRISED? YOU THINK IT'S A FUNNY JOKE TO

OH, YOU ARE SURPRISED? YOU THINK IT'S A FUNNY JOKE TO BE A BIG MOVIE STAR WHO IS SO

YOU THINK IT'S A FUNNY JOKE TO BE A BIG MOVIE STAR WHO IS SO BEAUTIFUL LIKE ME,

BE A BIG MOVIE STAR WHO IS SO BEAUTIFUL LIKE ME, CATHERINE DENEUVE?

BEAUTIFUL LIKE ME, CATHERINE DENEUVE? HA HA!

CATHERINE DENEUVE? HA HA! YOU DO NOT KNOW THE ALL OF IT,

HA HA! YOU DO NOT KNOW THE ALL OF IT, MY FRIEND.

YOU DO NOT KNOW THE ALL OF IT, MY FRIEND. THE ACTING, IT IS LIKE FALLING

MY FRIEND. THE ACTING, IT IS LIKE FALLING OFF A TREE.

THE ACTING, IT IS LIKE FALLING OFF A TREE. I LOOK LIKE THIS, AND THEN I

OFF A TREE. I LOOK LIKE THIS, AND THEN I LOOK LIKE THIS, AND THEN, POOF,

I LOOK LIKE THIS, AND THEN I LOOK LIKE THIS, AND THEN, POOF, WE ARE FINISHED WITH THE ACTING.

LOOK LIKE THIS, AND THEN, POOF, WE ARE FINISHED WITH THE ACTING. BUT TO BE CATHERINE DENEUVE, HA,

WE ARE FINISHED WITH THE ACTING. BUT TO BE CATHERINE DENEUVE, HA, THAT IS DIFFERENT.

BUT TO BE CATHERINE DENEUVE, HA, THAT IS DIFFERENT. I MUST TO GET UP EARLY IN THE

THAT IS DIFFERENT. I MUST TO GET UP EARLY IN THE MORNING EVEN IF I WAS TO A

I MUST TO GET UP EARLY IN THE MORNING EVEN IF I WAS TO A PARTY WITH OMAR SHARIF THE NIGHT

MORNING EVEN IF I WAS TO A PARTY WITH OMAR SHARIF THE NIGHT BEFORE.

PARTY WITH OMAR SHARIF THE NIGHT BEFORE. AND I MUST TO BE PHOTOGRAPHED

BEFORE. AND I MUST TO BE PHOTOGRAPHED FOR VOGUE MAGAZINE, AND I MUST

AND I MUST TO BE PHOTOGRAPHED FOR VOGUE MAGAZINE, AND I MUST TO FLY ALL OVER THE WORLD AND

FOR VOGUE MAGAZINE, AND I MUST TO FLY ALL OVER THE WORLD AND STAY IN THE LUXURY HOTEL.

TO FLY ALL OVER THE WORLD AND STAY IN THE LUXURY HOTEL. AND SOMETIME THEY DO NOT EVEN

STAY IN THE LUXURY HOTEL. AND SOMETIME THEY DO NOT EVEN HAVE THE MINERAL WATER.

AND SOMETIME THEY DO NOT EVEN HAVE THE MINERAL WATER. AND ALL THE TIME, I MUST STRIVE

HAVE THE MINERAL WATER. AND ALL THE TIME, I MUST STRIVE TO MAKE THOSE, SO I'M USING A

AND ALL THE TIME, I MUST STRIVE TO MAKE THOSE, SO I'M USING A PERFUME.

TO MAKE THOSE, SO I'M USING A PERFUME. MY FRIENDS...

PERFUME. MY FRIENDS... I CAN'T STAND TO BE

MY FRIENDS... I CAN'T STAND TO BE CATHERINE DENEUVE.

[Normal voice] BOYS AND GIRLS, THIS IS A MAN THAT I LOVE VERY MUCH.

THIS IS A MAN THAT I LOVE VERY MUCH. THE WORD "GENIUS" COMES TO MIND,

MUCH. THE WORD "GENIUS" COMES TO MIND, BUT I WILL LET YOU DECIDE FOR

THE WORD "GENIUS" COMES TO MIND, BUT I WILL LET YOU DECIDE FOR YOURSELVES.

BUT I WILL LET YOU DECIDE FOR YOURSELVES. ANDY KAUFMAN.

YOURSELVES. ANDY KAUFMAN. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[Foreign accent] IT WAS THREE PEOPLE. AND THEY CARRIED THE BIGGEST

THREE PEOPLE. AND THEY CARRIED THE BIGGEST CANNON IN THE WORLD TO SPAIN.

AND THEY CARRIED THE BIGGEST CANNON IN THE WORLD TO SPAIN. SO, IT WAS TWO BOYS AND ONE

CANNON IN THE WORLD TO SPAIN. SO, IT WAS TWO BOYS AND ONE GIRL.

SO, IT WAS TWO BOYS AND ONE GIRL. AND THEY CARRYING THE... THE

GIRL. AND THEY CARRYING THE... THE CANNON, EH, TO THE HIGHEST

AND THEY CARRYING THE... THE CANNON, EH, TO THE HIGHEST MOUNTAIN IN SPAIN.

CANNON, EH, TO THE HIGHEST MOUNTAIN IN SPAIN. SO, THE FIRST BOY, YOU KNOW...

MOUNTAIN IN SPAIN. SO, THE FIRST BOY, YOU KNOW... THEY... THEY ARE ON TOP OF THE

SO, THE FIRST BOY, YOU KNOW... THEY... THEY ARE ON TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN... AND THE FIRST BOY,

THEY... THEY ARE ON TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN... AND THE FIRST BOY, HE POINT THE CANNON TO THIS

MOUNTAIN... AND THE FIRST BOY, HE POINT THE CANNON TO THIS CASTLE.

HE POINT THE CANNON TO THIS CASTLE. AND SO, SO, SO, SO, HE, SO,

CASTLE. AND SO, SO, SO, SO, HE, SO, HE... HE SAY TO THE SECOND

AND SO, SO, SO, SO, HE, SO, HE... HE SAY TO THE SECOND BOY...

HE... HE SAY TO THE SECOND BOY... "ALL RIGHT, HAND ME THE

BOY... "ALL RIGHT, HAND ME THE CANNONBALL."

"ALL RIGHT, HAND ME THE CANNONBALL." AND SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, THE

CANNONBALL." AND SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, THE SECOND BOY, HE SAY, "EHH, I

AND SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, THE SECOND BOY, HE SAY, "EHH, I THOUGHT YOU HAD THEM."

SECOND BOY, HE SAY, "EHH, I THOUGHT YOU HAD THEM." SO, SO, THEN, LISTEN, SO, SO,

THOUGHT YOU HAD THEM." SO, SO, THEN, LISTEN, SO, SO, SO, THE, SO, LISTEN, SO, SO,

SO, SO, THEN, LISTEN, SO, SO, SO, THE, SO, LISTEN, SO, SO, THEY BOTH TURN TO THE GIRL.

SO, THE, SO, LISTEN, SO, SO, THEY BOTH TURN TO THE GIRL. AND SHE SAY, "DON'T LOOK AT ME."

THEY BOTH TURN TO THE GIRL. AND SHE SAY, "DON'T LOOK AT ME." YOU KNOW, BECAUSE, EH, THEY

AND SHE SAY, "DON'T LOOK AT ME." YOU KNOW, BECAUSE, EH, THEY COULD NOT SHOOT.

YOU KNOW, BECAUSE, EH, THEY COULD NOT SHOOT. THEY... THEY HAD THE CANNON,

COULD NOT SHOOT. THEY... THEY HAD THE CANNON, BUT THEY COULD NOT... THEY HAVE

THEY... THEY HAD THE CANNON, BUT THEY COULD NOT... THEY HAVE NO CANNONBALL.

BUT THEY COULD NOT... THEY HAVE NO CANNONBALL. THEY COULD NOT SHOOT.

NO CANNONBALL. THEY COULD NOT SHOOT. DO YOU UNDERSTAND?

THEY COULD NOT SHOOT. DO YOU UNDERSTAND? THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

DO YOU UNDERSTAND? THANK YOU VERY MUCH. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

RIGHT NOW, I WOULD LIKE TO DO FOR YOU SOME IMITATIONS. SO, FIRST, I WOULD LIKE TO

FOR YOU SOME IMITATIONS. SO, FIRST, I WOULD LIKE TO IMITATE ARCHIE BUNKER.

SO, FIRST, I WOULD LIKE TO IMITATE ARCHIE BUNKER. YOU STUPID... YOU... YOU ARE SO

IMITATE ARCHIE BUNKER. YOU STUPID... YOU... YOU ARE SO STUPID.

YOU STUPID... YOU... YOU ARE SO STUPID. EVERYBODY'S STUPID.

STUPID. EVERYBODY'S STUPID. GET... GET OUT OF MY CHAIR,

EVERYBODY'S STUPID. GET... GET OUT OF MY CHAIR, MEATHEAD!

GET... GET OUT OF MY CHAIR, MEATHEAD! YOU GO, AND THE... THE DINGBAT

MEATHEAD! YOU GO, AND THE... THE DINGBAT GET INTO THE KITCHEN, MAKING THE

YOU GO, AND THE... THE DINGBAT GET INTO THE KITCHEN, MAKING THE FOOD.

GET INTO THE KITCHEN, MAKING THE FOOD. EVERY... EVERYBODY'S STUPID!

FOOD. EVERY... EVERYBODY'S STUPID! I DON'T LIKE NOBODY!

EVERY... EVERYBODY'S STUPID! I DON'T LIKE NOBODY! IT'S SO STUPID!

I DON'T LIKE NOBODY! IT'S SO STUPID! THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

IT'S SO STUPID! THANK YOU VERY MUCH. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU VERY MUCH. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] AND NOW... NOW I WOULD LIKE TO

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] AND NOW... NOW I WOULD LIKE TO IMITATE, EH...

WAIT.

I DON'T... EH, I FORGET WHAT... EH... WAIT.

EH... WAIT. WHAT?

WAIT. WHAT? YOU WANT TO SEE ME DANCE?

WHAT? YOU WANT TO SEE ME DANCE? ALL RIGHT.

YOU WANT TO SEE ME DANCE? ALL RIGHT. ♪ LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA ♪

ALL RIGHT. ♪ LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA ♪ I-I CAN, EH, SING.

♪ LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA ♪ I-I CAN, EH, SING. ♪ LA LA LA LA LA ♪

I-I CAN, EH, SING. ♪ LA LA LA LA LA ♪ ♪ LA LA LA LA LA ♪

♪ LA LA LA LA LA ♪ ♪ LA LA LA LA LA ♪ OPERA!

♪ LA LA LA LA LA ♪ OPERA! [High-pitched voice] ♪ LA LA

OPERA! [High-pitched voice] ♪ LA LA LAAA ♪

[High-pitched voice] ♪ LA LA LAAA ♪ [LAUGHS]

LAAA ♪ [LAUGHS] [Normal voice] I-I-I DON'T

[LAUGHS] [Normal voice] I-I-I DON'T KNOW NOTHING.

[Normal voice] I-I-I DON'T KNOW NOTHING. I...

KNOW NOTHING. I... COULD... COULD WE STOP THE TAPE?

I... COULD... COULD WE STOP THE TAPE? COULD... COULD WE...

COULD... COULD WE STOP THE TAPE? COULD... COULD WE... I THINK...

COULD... COULD WE... I THINK... I THINK YOU SHOULD TURN OFF THE

I THINK... I THINK YOU SHOULD TURN OFF THE TV.

I THINK YOU SHOULD TURN OFF THE TV. I... I DON'T KNOW IF... IF YOU

TV. I... I DON'T KNOW IF... IF YOU ARE LAUGHING AT ME OR WITH ME.

I... I DON'T KNOW IF... IF YOU ARE LAUGHING AT ME OR WITH ME. BUT, YOU KNOW, EH, YOU KNOW,

ARE LAUGHING AT ME OR WITH ME. BUT, YOU KNOW, EH, YOU KNOW, I TRYING TO DO MY BEST, AND, EH,

BUT, YOU KNOW, EH, YOU KNOW, I TRYING TO DO MY BEST, AND, EH, I FORGOT WHAT I WAS GOING TO DO,

I TRYING TO DO MY BEST, AND, EH, I FORGOT WHAT I WAS GOING TO DO, BUT... BUT...

I FORGOT WHAT I WAS GOING TO DO, BUT... BUT... I PROMISE THAT, EH, YOU KNOW, IS

BUT... BUT... I PROMISE THAT, EH, YOU KNOW, IS NOTHING I CAN DO BUT PROMISE I

I PROMISE THAT, EH, YOU KNOW, IS NOTHING I CAN DO BUT PROMISE I WILL NOT BE HERE AGAIN.

NOTHING I CAN DO BUT PROMISE I WILL NOT BE HERE AGAIN. [LAUGHTER]

WILL NOT BE HERE AGAIN. [LAUGHTER] WHAT IS SO FUNNY ABOUT THAT...

[LAUGHTER] WHAT IS SO FUNNY ABOUT THAT... THAT?

WHAT IS SO FUNNY ABOUT THAT... THAT? I DON'T...

THAT? I DON'T... [Voice breaking] I DON'T KNOW

I DON'T... [Voice breaking] I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

[Voice breaking] I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. [EXHALES DEEPLY]

WHAT TO DO. [EXHALES DEEPLY] [Sobbing] I TRIED TO DO MY

[EXHALES DEEPLY] [Sobbing] I TRIED TO DO MY BEST.

[Sobbing] I TRIED TO DO MY BEST. AND THEN I TRIED TO GET YOU TO

BEST. AND THEN I TRIED TO GET YOU TO LAUGH.

AND THEN I TRIED TO GET YOU TO LAUGH. [SQUEAKING SOBS]

LAUGH. [SQUEAKING SOBS] ALL I WANT TO DO IS...

[SQUEAKING SOBS] ALL I WANT TO DO IS... BUT YOU... YOU'RE LAUGHING AT

ALL I WANT TO DO IS... BUT YOU... YOU'RE LAUGHING AT ME, SEE?

BUT YOU... YOU'RE LAUGHING AT ME, SEE? [SQUEAKING SOBS]

ME, SEE? [SQUEAKING SOBS] I WAS ONLY TRYING TO DO MY BEST.

[SQUEAKING SOBS] I WAS ONLY TRYING TO DO MY BEST. [SQUEAKING SOBS]

I WAS ONLY TRYING TO DO MY BEST. [SQUEAKING SOBS] [SOBBING INDISTINCTLY]

[SQUEAKING SOBS] [SOBBING INDISTINCTLY] [SQUEAKING SOBS]

[SOBBING INDISTINCTLY] [SQUEAKING SOBS] [CHANTING INDISTINCTLY]

[SQUEAKING SOBS] [CHANTING INDISTINCTLY] [SQUEAKING SOBS]

[CHANTING INDISTINCTLY] [SQUEAKING SOBS] [CHANTING INDISTINCTLY]

[SQUEAKING SOBS] [CHANTING INDISTINCTLY] [SQUEAKING]

[CHANTING INDISTINCTLY] [SQUEAKING] [CHANTING INDISTINCTLY]

[SQUEAKING] [CHANTING INDISTINCTLY] [AUDIENCE CLAPS IN TIME TO

[CHANTING INDISTINCTLY] [AUDIENCE CLAPS IN TIME TO CHANTING]

[AUDIENCE CLAPS IN TIME TO CHANTING] [SQUEAKING, CHANTING]

[CHANTING] [SQUEAKING, CHANTING] [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

CANDY... WHAT, GILDA? NOW I WOULD LIKE TO TALK TO

WHAT, GILDA? NOW I WOULD LIKE TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT YOU BEING SO PRETTY.

NOW I WOULD LIKE TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT YOU BEING SO PRETTY. OH.

YOU ABOUT YOU BEING SO PRETTY. OH. BECAUSE EVERY TIME I'M WITH A

OH. BECAUSE EVERY TIME I'M WITH A REALLY PRETTY GIRL, PART OF ME

BECAUSE EVERY TIME I'M WITH A REALLY PRETTY GIRL, PART OF ME JUST WANTS TO WAIT ON YOU,

REALLY PRETTY GIRL, PART OF ME JUST WANTS TO WAIT ON YOU, YOU KNOW, LIKE POLISH YOUR

JUST WANTS TO WAIT ON YOU, YOU KNOW, LIKE POLISH YOUR EARRINGS OR SOMETHING.

YOU KNOW, LIKE POLISH YOUR EARRINGS OR SOMETHING. BUT ANOTHER PART OF ME JUST

EARRINGS OR SOMETHING. BUT ANOTHER PART OF ME JUST WANTS TO JUST LOOK AT YOUR FACE

BUT ANOTHER PART OF ME JUST WANTS TO JUST LOOK AT YOUR FACE AND FIND SOMETHING WRONG WITH

WANTS TO JUST LOOK AT YOUR FACE AND FIND SOMETHING WRONG WITH IT, YOU KNOW?

AND FIND SOMETHING WRONG WITH IT, YOU KNOW? LIKE, I WISH YOU HAD SOMETHING

IT, YOU KNOW? LIKE, I WISH YOU HAD SOMETHING IN YOUR TEETH OR SOMETHING

LIKE, I WISH YOU HAD SOMETHING IN YOUR TEETH OR SOMETHING HANGING OUT OF YOUR NOSE OR

IN YOUR TEETH OR SOMETHING HANGING OUT OF YOUR NOSE OR SOMETHING.

HANGING OUT OF YOUR NOSE OR SOMETHING. REALLY, I DO 'CAUSE WHEN I'M

SOMETHING. REALLY, I DO 'CAUSE WHEN I'M WITH YOU, I FEEL UNFEMININE.

REALLY, I DO 'CAUSE WHEN I'M WITH YOU, I FEEL UNFEMININE. YOU DO?

WITH YOU, I FEEL UNFEMININE. YOU DO? A LITTLE BIT.

YOU DO? A LITTLE BIT. HERE'S WHAT YOU HAVE TO

A LITTLE BIT. HERE'S WHAT YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND.

HERE'S WHAT YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND. NOBODY LIKES THE WAY THEY LOOK.

UNDERSTAND. NOBODY LIKES THE WAY THEY LOOK. VERY FEW OF US ARE THAT HEALTHY.

NOBODY LIKES THE WAY THEY LOOK. VERY FEW OF US ARE THAT HEALTHY. SEE, I OPEN VOGUE MAGAZINE, AND

VERY FEW OF US ARE THAT HEALTHY. SEE, I OPEN VOGUE MAGAZINE, AND I FEEL LIKE THIS VIKING.

SEE, I OPEN VOGUE MAGAZINE, AND I FEEL LIKE THIS VIKING. I LOOK AT THESE LITHE WOMEN.

I FEEL LIKE THIS VIKING. I LOOK AT THESE LITHE WOMEN. I THINK, "WHY CAN'T I BE LIKE

I LOOK AT THESE LITHE WOMEN. I THINK, "WHY CAN'T I BE LIKE THEM?"

I THINK, "WHY CAN'T I BE LIKE THEM?" IT'S VERY COMMON.

THEM?" IT'S VERY COMMON. JUST TELL ME SOMETHING.

IT'S VERY COMMON. JUST TELL ME SOMETHING. HAVE YOU EVER HAD A GUY ASK YOU

JUST TELL ME SOMETHING. HAVE YOU EVER HAD A GUY ASK YOU OUT ON A DATE OVER THE PHONE,

HAVE YOU EVER HAD A GUY ASK YOU OUT ON A DATE OVER THE PHONE, AND THEN HE SHOWS UP AT THE

OUT ON A DATE OVER THE PHONE, AND THEN HE SHOWS UP AT THE DOOR, AND HE GOES AWAY, DOESN'T

AND THEN HE SHOWS UP AT THE DOOR, AND HE GOES AWAY, DOESN'T WANT TO TAKE YOU OUT AFTER HE

DOOR, AND HE GOES AWAY, DOESN'T WANT TO TAKE YOU OUT AFTER HE TAKES ONE LOOK AT YOU?

WANT TO TAKE YOU OUT AFTER HE TAKES ONE LOOK AT YOU? NO.

TAKES ONE LOOK AT YOU? NO. OH.

NO. OH. BUT I'VE HAD THEM NOT CALL

OH. BUT I'VE HAD THEM NOT CALL BACK.

BUT I'VE HAD THEM NOT CALL BACK. OH, THIS IS THE HAPPIEST DAY

BACK. OH, THIS IS THE HAPPIEST DAY OF MY LIFE.

OH, THIS IS THE HAPPIEST DAY OF MY LIFE. [LAUGHS]

OF MY LIFE. [LAUGHS] WELL, TELL ME WHAT ELSE GOES

[LAUGHS] WELL, TELL ME WHAT ELSE GOES WRONG FOR YOU?

WELL, TELL ME WHAT ELSE GOES WRONG FOR YOU? I LOVE IT.

WRONG FOR YOU? I LOVE IT. WELL, HERE'S WHEN I FEEL

I LOVE IT. WELL, HERE'S WHEN I FEEL AWKWARD.

WELL, HERE'S WHEN I FEEL AWKWARD. I FEEL AWKWARD AROUND THESE NEW

AWKWARD. I FEEL AWKWARD AROUND THESE NEW LITTLE SKINNY GUYS, THE LITTLE

I FEEL AWKWARD AROUND THESE NEW LITTLE SKINNY GUYS, THE LITTLE TINY ONES WITH THE BODY SHIRTS

LITTLE SKINNY GUYS, THE LITTLE TINY ONES WITH THE BODY SHIRTS AND THE LONG, SILKY HAIR, THE

TINY ONES WITH THE BODY SHIRTS AND THE LONG, SILKY HAIR, THE ONES YOU COULD BREAK IN HALF.

AND THE LONG, SILKY HAIR, THE ONES YOU COULD BREAK IN HALF. RIGHT, WHEN YOU SIT NEXT TO

ONES YOU COULD BREAK IN HALF. RIGHT, WHEN YOU SIT NEXT TO THEM IN THE BACK OF A CAR, YOU

RIGHT, WHEN YOU SIT NEXT TO THEM IN THE BACK OF A CAR, YOU LOOK DOWN.

THEM IN THE BACK OF A CAR, YOU LOOK DOWN. YOU NOTICE THAT YOUR THIGH IS

LOOK DOWN. YOU NOTICE THAT YOUR THIGH IS TWICE THE SIZE OF THEIRS.

YOU NOTICE THAT YOUR THIGH IS TWICE THE SIZE OF THEIRS. YEAH.

TWICE THE SIZE OF THEIRS. YEAH. 'CAUSE, YOU KNOW, IT USED TO

YEAH. 'CAUSE, YOU KNOW, IT USED TO BE THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN

'CAUSE, YOU KNOW, IT USED TO BE THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN THE WORLD TO BE REALLY FEMININE.

BE THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN THE WORLD TO BE REALLY FEMININE. MY GIRLFRIENDS USED TO DRILL ME

THE WORLD TO BE REALLY FEMININE. MY GIRLFRIENDS USED TO DRILL ME ON BEING FEMININE.

MY GIRLFRIENDS USED TO DRILL ME ON BEING FEMININE. AND IT WAS MY... I WAS GOING ON

ON BEING FEMININE. AND IT WAS MY... I WAS GOING ON MY FIRST DATE, AND THEY TOLD ME

AND IT WAS MY... I WAS GOING ON MY FIRST DATE, AND THEY TOLD ME THE MOST IMPORTANT THING, IF

MY FIRST DATE, AND THEY TOLD ME THE MOST IMPORTANT THING, IF YOU'RE REALLY A GIRL, YOU DON'T

THE MOST IMPORTANT THING, IF YOU'RE REALLY A GIRL, YOU DON'T OPEN THE DOOR FOR YOURSELF OF

YOU'RE REALLY A GIRL, YOU DON'T OPEN THE DOOR FOR YOURSELF OF THE CAR, RIGHT?

OPEN THE DOOR FOR YOURSELF OF THE CAR, RIGHT? SO THIS GUY TAKES ME OUT, AND WE

THE CAR, RIGHT? SO THIS GUY TAKES ME OUT, AND WE GET TO THE MOVIE, AND WE PULL UP

SO THIS GUY TAKES ME OUT, AND WE GET TO THE MOVIE, AND WE PULL UP IN THE CAR.

GET TO THE MOVIE, AND WE PULL UP IN THE CAR. AND HE GETS OUT OF THE CAR, AND

IN THE CAR. AND HE GETS OUT OF THE CAR, AND I OPEN THE DOOR RIGHT AWAY.

AND HE GETS OUT OF THE CAR, AND I OPEN THE DOOR RIGHT AWAY. YEAH?

I OPEN THE DOOR RIGHT AWAY. YEAH? SO HE'S COMING AROUND, AND I

YEAH? SO HE'S COMING AROUND, AND I GOT TO CLOSE THE CAR DOOR BEFORE

SO HE'S COMING AROUND, AND I GOT TO CLOSE THE CAR DOOR BEFORE HE GETS THERE OR HE'LL THINK I'M

GOT TO CLOSE THE CAR DOOR BEFORE HE GETS THERE OR HE'LL THINK I'M A GUY, YOU KNOW?

HE GETS THERE OR HE'LL THINK I'M A GUY, YOU KNOW? SO I'M TRYING TO CLOSE THE CAR

A GUY, YOU KNOW? SO I'M TRYING TO CLOSE THE CAR DOOR.

SO I'M TRYING TO CLOSE THE CAR DOOR. I DON'T GET IT CLOSED, AND HE

DOOR. I DON'T GET IT CLOSED, AND HE GETS AROUND TO THE SIDE.

I DON'T GET IT CLOSED, AND HE GETS AROUND TO THE SIDE. AND I JUST LOOKED IN HIS FACE

GETS AROUND TO THE SIDE. AND I JUST LOOKED IN HIS FACE AND SAID, "OH, THE CAR'S BROKEN.

AND I JUST LOOKED IN HIS FACE AND SAID, "OH, THE CAR'S BROKEN. THE CAR MUST BE BROKEN OR WE

AND SAID, "OH, THE CAR'S BROKEN. THE CAR MUST BE BROKEN OR WE CRASHED AND SOMETHING."

THE CAR MUST BE BROKEN OR WE CRASHED AND SOMETHING." GILDA, YOU MUSTN'T FALL FOR

CRASHED AND SOMETHING." GILDA, YOU MUSTN'T FALL FOR THIS HYPE ABOUT WHAT IS

GILDA, YOU MUSTN'T FALL FOR THIS HYPE ABOUT WHAT IS FEMININE.

THIS HYPE ABOUT WHAT IS FEMININE. WE ALL REALLY HAVE TO ACCEPT

FEMININE. WE ALL REALLY HAVE TO ACCEPT OURSELVES THE WAY WE ARE, YOU

WE ALL REALLY HAVE TO ACCEPT OURSELVES THE WAY WE ARE, YOU KNOW, AND JUST BE OURSELVES.

OURSELVES THE WAY WE ARE, YOU KNOW, AND JUST BE OURSELVES. DID YOU VOTE FOR E.R.A.?

KNOW, AND JUST BE OURSELVES. DID YOU VOTE FOR E.R.A.? OF COURSE I VOTED FOR E.R.A.

DID YOU VOTE FOR E.R.A.? OF COURSE I VOTED FOR E.R.A. WHAT DID YOU VOTE?

OF COURSE I VOTED FOR E.R.A. WHAT DID YOU VOTE? I VOTED FOR E.R.A.

WHAT DID YOU VOTE? I VOTED FOR E.R.A. HOW COULD YOU NOT?

I VOTED FOR E.R.A. HOW COULD YOU NOT? I DIDN'T GO.

HOW COULD YOU NOT? I DIDN'T GO. YOU DIDN'T GO.

I DIDN'T GO. YOU DIDN'T GO. I WAS WORKING, BUT, YOU

YOU DIDN'T GO. I WAS WORKING, BUT, YOU KNOW...

I WAS WORKING, BUT, YOU KNOW... YOU WERE WORKING.

KNOW... YOU WERE WORKING. YEAH.

YOU WERE WORKING. YEAH. YOU WERE WORKING.

YEAH. YOU WERE WORKING. YOU SEE, BUT COULD YOU REALLY

YOU WERE WORKING. YOU SEE, BUT COULD YOU REALLY GO TO THE BATHROOM WITH A GUY IN

YOU SEE, BUT COULD YOU REALLY GO TO THE BATHROOM WITH A GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO YOU?

GO TO THE BATHROOM WITH A GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO YOU? I MEAN, I WOULD REALLY...

THE STALL NEXT TO YOU? I MEAN, I WOULD REALLY... PSYCHOLOGICALLY... SOMEONE WOULD

I MEAN, I WOULD REALLY... PSYCHOLOGICALLY... SOMEONE WOULD HAVE TO RUN THE WATER OR SING

PSYCHOLOGICALLY... SOMEONE WOULD HAVE TO RUN THE WATER OR SING "RAINDROPS ARE FALLING ON YOUR

HAVE TO RUN THE WATER OR SING "RAINDROPS ARE FALLING ON YOUR HEAD" OR SOMETHING FOR ME TO...

"RAINDROPS ARE FALLING ON YOUR HEAD" OR SOMETHING FOR ME TO... I'M BEING STUPID NOW.

HEAD" OR SOMETHING FOR ME TO... I'M BEING STUPID NOW. YEAH, YOU ARE.

I'M BEING STUPID NOW. YEAH, YOU ARE. YOU'RE BEING STUPID LIKE

YEAH, YOU ARE. YOU'RE BEING STUPID LIKE THOUSANDS OF OTHER VOTERS.

YOU'RE BEING STUPID LIKE THOUSANDS OF OTHER VOTERS. GILDA, THAT WAS NOT WHAT E.R.A.

THOUSANDS OF OTHER VOTERS. GILDA, THAT WAS NOT WHAT E.R.A. WAS ABOUT.

GILDA, THAT WAS NOT WHAT E.R.A. WAS ABOUT. THIS WAS A MISCONCEPTION ON THE

WAS ABOUT. THIS WAS A MISCONCEPTION ON THE PART OF THE MEDIA.

THIS WAS A MISCONCEPTION ON THE PART OF THE MEDIA. UM, SEE, EQUALITY DOES NOT MEAN

PART OF THE MEDIA. UM, SEE, EQUALITY DOES NOT MEAN WE HAVE TO BE THE SAME.

UM, SEE, EQUALITY DOES NOT MEAN WE HAVE TO BE THE SAME. WE CAN BE EQUAL AND BE

WE HAVE TO BE THE SAME. WE CAN BE EQUAL AND BE DIFFERENT, LIKE US, YOU KNOW.

WE CAN BE EQUAL AND BE DIFFERENT, LIKE US, YOU KNOW. YEAH.

DIFFERENT, LIKE US, YOU KNOW. YEAH. OKAY.

YEAH. OKAY. YOU'RE OKAY.

OKAY. YOU'RE OKAY. YOU TOO, GILDA.

YOU'RE OKAY. YOU TOO, GILDA. OKAY.

YOU TOO, GILDA. OKAY. OKAY.

OKAY. OKAY. AND NOW HERE'S THIS WEEK'S FILM

OKAY. AND NOW HERE'S THIS WEEK'S FILM WRITTEN AND DIRECTED BY

AND NOW HERE'S THIS WEEK'S FILM WRITTEN AND DIRECTED BY ALBERT BROOKS.

♪ WE'VE GOT A SUPER SEASON ON NBC ♪ ♪ YOU'RE GONNA LIKE IT A LOT ♪

NBC ♪ ♪ YOU'RE GONNA LIKE IT A LOT ♪ EVEN A SUPER SEASON HAS SUPER

♪ YOU'RE GONNA LIKE IT A LOT ♪ EVEN A SUPER SEASON HAS SUPER FAILURES.

EVEN A SUPER SEASON HAS SUPER FAILURES. THAT'S WHY AT NBC WE'VE GOT

FAILURES. THAT'S WHY AT NBC WE'VE GOT SUPER REPLACEMENTS.

THAT'S WHY AT NBC WE'VE GOT SUPER REPLACEMENTS. HERE ARE JUST A FEW OF THE NEW

SUPER REPLACEMENTS. HERE ARE JUST A FEW OF THE NEW SHOWS WAITING IN THE WINGS.

REAL STORIES. REAL PEOPLE. REAL ACTION.

REAL PEOPLE. REAL ACTION. AND REALITY WAS NEVER LIKE THIS.

REAL ACTION. AND REALITY WAS NEVER LIKE THIS. AT BEST, I'D SAY YOU HAVE A

AND REALITY WAS NEVER LIKE THIS. AT BEST, I'D SAY YOU HAVE A YEAR TO LIVE.

AT BEST, I'D SAY YOU HAVE A YEAR TO LIVE. I KNOW.

YEAR TO LIVE. I KNOW. I OVERHEARD YOU TELL

I KNOW. I OVERHEARD YOU TELL DR. FRANKLIN.

I OVERHEARD YOU TELL DR. FRANKLIN. YOU ALREADY KNEW, AND YOU

DR. FRANKLIN. YOU ALREADY KNEW, AND YOU MADE ME GO THROUGH THE AGONY OF

YOU ALREADY KNEW, AND YOU MADE ME GO THROUGH THE AGONY OF TELLING YOU THIS?

MADE ME GO THROUGH THE AGONY OF TELLING YOU THIS? YOU ARE AN INCONSIDERATE AND

TELLING YOU THIS? YOU ARE AN INCONSIDERATE AND THOUGHTLESS WOMAN.

YOU ARE AN INCONSIDERATE AND THOUGHTLESS WOMAN. IF SHE'S IN PAIN, THEN, DAMN

THOUGHTLESS WOMAN. IF SHE'S IN PAIN, THEN, DAMN IT, DON'T KEEP HER ALIVE.

IF SHE'S IN PAIN, THEN, DAMN IT, DON'T KEEP HER ALIVE. SHE'S NOT IN PAIN.

IT, DON'T KEEP HER ALIVE. SHE'S NOT IN PAIN. YOUR WIFE WILL BE FINE UNTIL SHE

SHE'S NOT IN PAIN. YOUR WIFE WILL BE FINE UNTIL SHE DIES.

YOUR WIFE WILL BE FINE UNTIL SHE DIES. SHE SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED TO

DIES. SHE SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED TO LIVE IF SHE'S GONNA DIE LIKE

SHE SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED TO LIVE IF SHE'S GONNA DIE LIKE THIS.

LIVE IF SHE'S GONNA DIE LIKE THIS. YOU'RE GONNA DIE,

THIS. YOU'RE GONNA DIE, MR. ROBERTS.

YOU'RE GONNA DIE, MR. ROBERTS. YOU'RE ALLOWED TO LIVE.

MR. ROBERTS. YOU'RE ALLOWED TO LIVE. I'M NOT GONNA DIE WITHIN A

YOU'RE ALLOWED TO LIVE. I'M NOT GONNA DIE WITHIN A YEAR, DOCTOR.

I'M NOT GONNA DIE WITHIN A YEAR, DOCTOR. HOW DO YOU KNOW?

YEAR, DOCTOR. HOW DO YOU KNOW? YOU COULD BE HIT BY A CAR

HOW DO YOU KNOW? YOU COULD BE HIT BY A CAR DRIVING HOME TODAY.

YOU COULD BE HIT BY A CAR DRIVING HOME TODAY. I'M NOT GOING HOME TODAY.

DRIVING HOME TODAY. I'M NOT GOING HOME TODAY. BUT IT'S UNNECESSARY.

I'M NOT GOING HOME TODAY. BUT IT'S UNNECESSARY. THIS MAN DOES NOT NEED SURGERY.

BUT IT'S UNNECESSARY. THIS MAN DOES NOT NEED SURGERY. HE'S ALREADY PAID FOR IT, AND

THIS MAN DOES NOT NEED SURGERY. HE'S ALREADY PAID FOR IT, AND WE'VE ALREADY SPENT THE MONEY.

HE'S ALREADY PAID FOR IT, AND WE'VE ALREADY SPENT THE MONEY. YOU'RE THE MAN IN CHARGE.

WE'VE ALREADY SPENT THE MONEY. YOU'RE THE MAN IN CHARGE. IF YOU GO ON VACATION DURING

YOU'RE THE MAN IN CHARGE. IF YOU GO ON VACATION DURING THIS CRISIS, YOU LOSE THE

IF YOU GO ON VACATION DURING THIS CRISIS, YOU LOSE THE RESPECT OF EVERY DOCTOR WHO

THIS CRISIS, YOU LOSE THE RESPECT OF EVERY DOCTOR WHO WORKS FOR YOU.

RESPECT OF EVERY DOCTOR WHO WORKS FOR YOU. I HAVE WEIGHED THIS DECISION

WORKS FOR YOU. I HAVE WEIGHED THIS DECISION MOST CAREFULLY.

I HAVE WEIGHED THIS DECISION MOST CAREFULLY. I'LL SEE YOU IN A WEEK.

MOST CAREFULLY. I'LL SEE YOU IN A WEEK. YOU'RE NOT REALLY IN LOVE

I'LL SEE YOU IN A WEEK. YOU'RE NOT REALLY IN LOVE WITH ME.

YOU'RE NOT REALLY IN LOVE WITH ME. YOU JUST THINK YOU ARE.

WITH ME. YOU JUST THINK YOU ARE. IT HAPPENS ALL THE TIME, LESLIE.

YOU JUST THINK YOU ARE. IT HAPPENS ALL THE TIME, LESLIE. PATIENTS THINK THEY'RE IN LOVE

IT HAPPENS ALL THE TIME, LESLIE. PATIENTS THINK THEY'RE IN LOVE WITH THEIR DOCTORS.

PATIENTS THINK THEY'RE IN LOVE WITH THEIR DOCTORS. BUT THEY NEVER REALLY ARE.

WITH THEIR DOCTORS. BUT THEY NEVER REALLY ARE. THEY SUCK THE DOCTORS INTO

BUT THEY NEVER REALLY ARE. THEY SUCK THE DOCTORS INTO BELIEVING THEM.

THEY SUCK THE DOCTORS INTO BELIEVING THEM. THE DOCTORS DO.

BELIEVING THEM. THE DOCTORS DO. THEN THE DOCTORS GET DUMPED!

THE DOCTORS DO. THEN THE DOCTORS GET DUMPED! I AM A REGISTERED NURSE, NOT

THEN THE DOCTORS GET DUMPED! I AM A REGISTERED NURSE, NOT A REGISTERED PROSTITUTE.

I AM A REGISTERED NURSE, NOT A REGISTERED PROSTITUTE. [SIREN WAILS]

A REGISTERED PROSTITUTE. [SIREN WAILS] "MEDICAL SEASON"... 9 OUT OF

[SIREN WAILS] "MEDICAL SEASON"... 9 OUT OF 10 DOCTORS AGREE... IF THIS SHOW

"MEDICAL SEASON"... 9 OUT OF 10 DOCTORS AGREE... IF THIS SHOW GETS ON THE AIR, WATCH OUT.

10 DOCTORS AGREE... IF THIS SHOW GETS ON THE AIR, WATCH OUT. IT JUST MIGHT BE HABIT-FORMING.

THE WILDEST NEW COMEDY YOU'VE EVER SEEN. ON THE RIGHT ARE BOB AND CATHY.

EVER SEEN. ON THE RIGHT ARE BOB AND CATHY. THEY'RE MARRIED.

ON THE RIGHT ARE BOB AND CATHY. THEY'RE MARRIED. ON THE LEFT IS SUSAN, CATHY'S

THEY'RE MARRIED. ON THE LEFT IS SUSAN, CATHY'S BEST FRIEND.

ON THE LEFT IS SUSAN, CATHY'S BEST FRIEND. THEY ALL LIVE TOGETHER IN

BEST FRIEND. THEY ALL LIVE TOGETHER IN FASHIONABLE WEST LOS ANGELES.

THEY ALL LIVE TOGETHER IN FASHIONABLE WEST LOS ANGELES. THIS MAKES FOR A WHOLE LOT OF

FASHIONABLE WEST LOS ANGELES. THIS MAKES FOR A WHOLE LOT OF FUN, BESIDES MAKING BOB VERY

THIS MAKES FOR A WHOLE LOT OF FUN, BESIDES MAKING BOB VERY EXCITED!

FUN, BESIDES MAKING BOB VERY EXCITED! WELL, I THINK WE OUGHT TO DO

EXCITED! WELL, I THINK WE OUGHT TO DO SOMETHING EXOTIC.

WELL, I THINK WE OUGHT TO DO SOMETHING EXOTIC. WHAT DID YOU HAVE IN MIND,

SOMETHING EXOTIC. WHAT DID YOU HAVE IN MIND, DARLING?

WHAT DID YOU HAVE IN MIND, DARLING? WELL, I DON'T KNOW, MAYBE,

DARLING? WELL, I DON'T KNOW, MAYBE, YOU KNOW, WHAT THEY TALK ABOUT

WELL, I DON'T KNOW, MAYBE, YOU KNOW, WHAT THEY TALK ABOUT IN THE MAGAZINES.

YOU KNOW, WHAT THEY TALK ABOUT IN THE MAGAZINES. THE ONLY MAGAZINES WE GOT

IN THE MAGAZINES. THE ONLY MAGAZINES WE GOT AROUND HERE IS "TV GUIDE."

THE ONLY MAGAZINES WE GOT AROUND HERE IS "TV GUIDE." HEY, WHY DON'T WE JOIN A RECORD

AROUND HERE IS "TV GUIDE." HEY, WHY DON'T WE JOIN A RECORD CLUB?

HEY, WHY DON'T WE JOIN A RECORD CLUB? COME ON, LET'S ASK HER IN

CLUB? COME ON, LET'S ASK HER IN HERE.

COME ON, LET'S ASK HER IN HERE. I DON'T WANT TO ASK HER IN

HERE. I DON'T WANT TO ASK HER IN HERE.

I DON'T WANT TO ASK HER IN HERE. I WENT TO COLLEGE WITH HER.

HERE. I WENT TO COLLEGE WITH HER. SO YOU WENT TO COLLEGE WITH

I WENT TO COLLEGE WITH HER. SO YOU WENT TO COLLEGE WITH HER.

SO YOU WENT TO COLLEGE WITH HER. YOU'RE BOTH SMART.

HER. YOU'RE BOTH SMART. SHE'LL FIND HER WAY IN HERE IN A

YOU'RE BOTH SMART. SHE'LL FIND HER WAY IN HERE IN A SECOND.

SHE'LL FIND HER WAY IN HERE IN A SECOND. WHY CAN'T SHE HAVE TWO EGGS LIKE

SECOND. WHY CAN'T SHE HAVE TWO EGGS LIKE THE REST OF US?

WHY CAN'T SHE HAVE TWO EGGS LIKE THE REST OF US? WHY DO I HAVE TO MAKE AN ODD

THE REST OF US? WHY DO I HAVE TO MAKE AN ODD NUMBER OF EGGS EVERY MORNING?

WHY DO I HAVE TO MAKE AN ODD NUMBER OF EGGS EVERY MORNING? WHY DO I EVEN HAVE TO MAKE EGGS

NUMBER OF EGGS EVERY MORNING? WHY DO I EVEN HAVE TO MAKE EGGS EVERY MORNING?

WHY DO I EVEN HAVE TO MAKE EGGS EVERY MORNING? WHY AM I DOING THE COOKING?

EVERY MORNING? WHY AM I DOING THE COOKING? WHAT IS MY PLACE HERE?

WHY AM I DOING THE COOKING? WHAT IS MY PLACE HERE? OH, LISTEN, BEFORE I FORGET,

WHAT IS MY PLACE HERE? OH, LISTEN, BEFORE I FORGET, IF IT'S OKAY, CAN I BORROW YOUR

OH, LISTEN, BEFORE I FORGET, IF IT'S OKAY, CAN I BORROW YOUR OVERNIGHT BAG?

IF IT'S OKAY, CAN I BORROW YOUR OVERNIGHT BAG? SURE. IT'S UPSTAIRS.

OVERNIGHT BAG? SURE. IT'S UPSTAIRS. OVERNIGHT BAG, HUH?

SURE. IT'S UPSTAIRS. OVERNIGHT BAG, HUH? WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

OVERNIGHT BAG, HUH? WHERE ARE YOU GOING? WHY DO YOU CARE?

WHERE ARE YOU GOING? WHY DO YOU CARE? WHAT DO YOU MEAN, WHY DO I

WHY DO YOU CARE? WHAT DO YOU MEAN, WHY DO I CARE?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, WHY DO I CARE? I'M A HUMAN BEING.

CARE? I'M A HUMAN BEING. I HAVE FEELINGS.

I'M A HUMAN BEING. I HAVE FEELINGS. I'M ALSO VERY GOOD IN BED.

I HAVE FEELINGS. I'M ALSO VERY GOOD IN BED. OH, PLEASE, SUSAN.

I'M ALSO VERY GOOD IN BED. OH, PLEASE, SUSAN. PLEASE, YOU TWO.

OH, PLEASE, SUSAN. PLEASE, YOU TWO. PLEASE!

PLEASE, YOU TWO. PLEASE! LOOK, JAM.

PLEASE! LOOK, JAM. EVERYBODY'S FANTASY NOW

LOOK, JAM. EVERYBODY'S FANTASY NOW BECOMES A SITUATION COMEDY.

EVERYBODY'S FANTASY NOW BECOMES A SITUATION COMEDY. "THE THREE OF US"... IT'S IN THE

BECOMES A SITUATION COMEDY. "THE THREE OF US"... IT'S IN THE CAN AND WAITING.

A YOUNG BLACK VETERAN FROM THE VIETNAM WAR RETURNS AND TAKES UP PRACTICE AS A VETERINARIAN IN A

VIETNAM WAR RETURNS AND TAKES UP PRACTICE AS A VETERINARIAN IN A SMALL SOUTHERN TOWN.

PRACTICE AS A VETERINARIAN IN A SMALL SOUTHERN TOWN. HE AND HIS FAMILY FIND

SMALL SOUTHERN TOWN. HE AND HIS FAMILY FIND ACCEPTANCE DIFFICULT.

HE AND HIS FAMILY FIND ACCEPTANCE DIFFICULT. NOW, HE'S GONNA HAVE TO BE

ACCEPTANCE DIFFICULT. NOW, HE'S GONNA HAVE TO BE OPERATED ON.

NOW, HE'S GONNA HAVE TO BE OPERATED ON. QUITE FRANKLY, DUKE DOESN'T WANT

OPERATED ON. QUITE FRANKLY, DUKE DOESN'T WANT YOU TO DO IT.

QUITE FRANKLY, DUKE DOESN'T WANT YOU TO DO IT. YOU MEAN, I'M GOOD ENOUGH TO

YOU TO DO IT. YOU MEAN, I'M GOOD ENOUGH TO BOARD THIS DOG WHILE YOU'RE OUT

YOU MEAN, I'M GOOD ENOUGH TO BOARD THIS DOG WHILE YOU'RE OUT OF TOWN, BUT I'M NOT GOOD ENOUGH

BOARD THIS DOG WHILE YOU'RE OUT OF TOWN, BUT I'M NOT GOOD ENOUGH TO OPERATE?

OF TOWN, BUT I'M NOT GOOD ENOUGH TO OPERATE? IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE SAYING TO

TO OPERATE? IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE SAYING TO ME?

IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE SAYING TO ME? WELL, I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING

ME? WELL, I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH IT.

WELL, I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH IT. IT'S HIS CHOICE.

TO DO WITH IT. IT'S HIS CHOICE. I'M NOT THE KIND OF VET THAT

IT'S HIS CHOICE. I'M NOT THE KIND OF VET THAT BELIEVES IN DROWNING CATS...

I'M NOT THE KIND OF VET THAT BELIEVES IN DROWNING CATS... EXCEPT THE KIND THAT GO AFTER

BELIEVES IN DROWNING CATS... EXCEPT THE KIND THAT GO AFTER MY WIFE.

EXCEPT THE KIND THAT GO AFTER MY WIFE. I JUST TAKE CARE OF HER COW.

MY WIFE. I JUST TAKE CARE OF HER COW. DO YOU UNDERSTAND?

I JUST TAKE CARE OF HER COW. DO YOU UNDERSTAND? THAT'S ALL.

DO YOU UNDERSTAND? THAT'S ALL. SHE DOESN'T HAVE A COW,

THAT'S ALL. SHE DOESN'T HAVE A COW, DR. BOWMAN.

SHE DOESN'T HAVE A COW, DR. BOWMAN. MAYBE WE'RE TALKING ABOUT

DR. BOWMAN. MAYBE WE'RE TALKING ABOUT SOMEBODY ELSE.

MAYBE WE'RE TALKING ABOUT SOMEBODY ELSE. WHO DO YOU MEAN?

SOMEBODY ELSE. WHO DO YOU MEAN? MALPRACTICE?

WHO DO YOU MEAN? MALPRACTICE? THAT'S RIGHT!

MALPRACTICE? THAT'S RIGHT! HEY, GIVE ME A BREAK, MAN.

THAT'S RIGHT! HEY, GIVE ME A BREAK, MAN. WE'RE TALKING ABOUT PARAKEETS.

HEY, GIVE ME A BREAK, MAN. WE'RE TALKING ABOUT PARAKEETS. STAY AWAY FROM THE SHEEP!

WE'RE TALKING ABOUT PARAKEETS. STAY AWAY FROM THE SHEEP! YOU GOT IT?

STAY AWAY FROM THE SHEEP! YOU GOT IT? YOU JUST STAY AWAY FROM THEM!

YOU GOT IT? YOU JUST STAY AWAY FROM THEM! LAST NIGHT, MARTIN, IN YOUR

YOU JUST STAY AWAY FROM THEM! LAST NIGHT, MARTIN, IN YOUR SLEEP, YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU

LAST NIGHT, MARTIN, IN YOUR SLEEP, YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU LOVED ME.

SLEEP, YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU LOVED ME. YOU KNOW I MEANT IT.

LOVED ME. YOU KNOW I MEANT IT. WHAT ELSE DID I SAY?

YOU KNOW I MEANT IT. WHAT ELSE DID I SAY? YOU SAID YOU DIDN'T THINK I'D

WHAT ELSE DID I SAY? YOU SAID YOU DIDN'T THINK I'D EVER RACE AGAIN, BUT YOU

YOU SAID YOU DIDN'T THINK I'D EVER RACE AGAIN, BUT YOU WOULDN'T HAVE TO SHOOT ME.

EVER RACE AGAIN, BUT YOU WOULDN'T HAVE TO SHOOT ME. [LAUGHING]

"BLACK VET"... HE'S COMING YOUR WAY JUST AS FAST AS HE CAN. PLUS THERE'S MORE...

YOUR WAY JUST AS FAST AS HE CAN. PLUS THERE'S MORE... SPECIALS THE LIKES OF WHICH

PLUS THERE'S MORE... SPECIALS THE LIKES OF WHICH YOU'VE NEVER SEEN...

SPECIALS THE LIKES OF WHICH YOU'VE NEVER SEEN... SPECIALS LIKE "TUESDAY NIGHT

YOU'VE NEVER SEEN... SPECIALS LIKE "TUESDAY NIGHT NIGHTCLUB."

SPECIALS LIKE "TUESDAY NIGHT NIGHTCLUB." EVERY RANDOM TUESDAY, NBC TAKES

NIGHTCLUB." EVERY RANDOM TUESDAY, NBC TAKES YOU TO A WORLD-FAMOUS CABARET TO

EVERY RANDOM TUESDAY, NBC TAKES YOU TO A WORLD-FAMOUS CABARET TO PRESENT THE FINEST IN

YOU TO A WORLD-FAMOUS CABARET TO PRESENT THE FINEST IN UNDERGROUND ENTERTAINMENT.

PRESENT THE FINEST IN UNDERGROUND ENTERTAINMENT. AND A NEW PRODUCTION OF

UNDERGROUND ENTERTAINMENT. AND A NEW PRODUCTION OF ARTHUR MILLER'S

AND A NEW PRODUCTION OF ARTHUR MILLER'S "DEATH OF A SALESMAN" TOTALLY

ARTHUR MILLER'S "DEATH OF A SALESMAN" TOTALLY ACTED BY CHILDREN.

"DEATH OF A SALESMAN" TOTALLY ACTED BY CHILDREN. DO YOU HAVE YOUR GLASSES?

ACTED BY CHILDREN. DO YOU HAVE YOUR GLASSES? YEAH, I GOT MY GLASSES.

DO YOU HAVE YOUR GLASSES? YEAH, I GOT MY GLASSES. AND YOUR SACCHARIN?

YEAH, I GOT MY GLASSES. AND YOUR SACCHARIN? AND MY SACCHARIN.

AND YOUR SACCHARIN? AND MY SACCHARIN. GOODBYE. I'M LATE.

AND MY SACCHARIN. GOODBYE. I'M LATE. ALSO A SERIES OF BICENTENNIAL

GOODBYE. I'M LATE. ALSO A SERIES OF BICENTENNIAL PROGRAMS GUARANTEED TO MAKE YOU

ALSO A SERIES OF BICENTENNIAL PROGRAMS GUARANTEED TO MAKE YOU FEEL 200 YEARS OLD.

PROGRAMS GUARANTEED TO MAKE YOU FEEL 200 YEARS OLD. AND COMEDIAN ALBERT BROOKS

FEEL 200 YEARS OLD. AND COMEDIAN ALBERT BROOKS BREAKS OUT OF HIS LATE-NIGHT

AND COMEDIAN ALBERT BROOKS BREAKS OUT OF HIS LATE-NIGHT HARNESS, GETS A PRIME-TIME

BREAKS OUT OF HIS LATE-NIGHT HARNESS, GETS A PRIME-TIME SPECIAL, AND FINALLY GETS A

HARNESS, GETS A PRIME-TIME SPECIAL, AND FINALLY GETS A CHANCE AT MAKING SOME BIG MONEY.

SPECIAL, AND FINALLY GETS A CHANCE AT MAKING SOME BIG MONEY. IT'S ALL RIGHT HERE.

CHANCE AT MAKING SOME BIG MONEY. IT'S ALL RIGHT HERE. AND, GOD WILLING, YOU'RE GONNA

IT'S ALL RIGHT HERE. AND, GOD WILLING, YOU'RE GONNA LIKE IT A LOT!

GOOD EVENING, AND WELCOME TO "MIDNIGHT PROBE." DENNIS "X" AND ANTHONY "Q" COME

"MIDNIGHT PROBE." DENNIS "X" AND ANTHONY "Q" COME TO US FROM TEMPERQUAIL,

DENNIS "X" AND ANTHONY "Q" COME TO US FROM TEMPERQUAIL, NEW ZEALAND.

TO US FROM TEMPERQUAIL, NEW ZEALAND. BOTH MEN ARE AMERICANS.

NEW ZEALAND. BOTH MEN ARE AMERICANS. BOTH ARE VIETNAM VETERANS, AND

BOTH MEN ARE AMERICANS. BOTH ARE VIETNAM VETERANS, AND FOR THE PAST FIVE YEARS, THEY

BOTH ARE VIETNAM VETERANS, AND FOR THE PAST FIVE YEARS, THEY HAVE WORKED AS PROFESSIONAL KIWI

FOR THE PAST FIVE YEARS, THEY HAVE WORKED AS PROFESSIONAL KIWI TRAPPERS.

HAVE WORKED AS PROFESSIONAL KIWI TRAPPERS. GENTLEMEN, NOW, REALLY, WHY THE

TRAPPERS. GENTLEMEN, NOW, REALLY, WHY THE DARK GLASSES?

GENTLEMEN, NOW, REALLY, WHY THE DARK GLASSES? WELL, KIWI TRAPPING IN SOME

DARK GLASSES? WELL, KIWI TRAPPING IN SOME PARTS OF THE WORLD IS ILLEGAL.

WELL, KIWI TRAPPING IN SOME PARTS OF THE WORLD IS ILLEGAL. WE DON'T LIKE TO ENCOURAGE KIWI

PARTS OF THE WORLD IS ILLEGAL. WE DON'T LIKE TO ENCOURAGE KIWI BOOTLEGGING.

WE DON'T LIKE TO ENCOURAGE KIWI BOOTLEGGING. A LITTLE BIT ABOUT THE KIWI.

BOOTLEGGING. A LITTLE BIT ABOUT THE KIWI. OH, OKAY, THE BEAST WE'RE

A LITTLE BIT ABOUT THE KIWI. OH, OKAY, THE BEAST WE'RE DEALING WITH, WHICH IS GENUS

OH, OKAY, THE BEAST WE'RE DEALING WITH, WHICH IS GENUS APTERYX AUSTRALIS, A BIRD

DEALING WITH, WHICH IS GENUS APTERYX AUSTRALIS, A BIRD INCAPABLE OF FLIGHT.

APTERYX AUSTRALIS, A BIRD INCAPABLE OF FLIGHT. IT IS CAPABLE OF RANDOMLY

INCAPABLE OF FLIGHT. IT IS CAPABLE OF RANDOMLY ASSEMBLING ITSELF INTO LARGE

IT IS CAPABLE OF RANDOMLY ASSEMBLING ITSELF INTO LARGE GROUPS IN VERY SMALL PLACES.

ASSEMBLING ITSELF INTO LARGE GROUPS IN VERY SMALL PLACES. STANDS ABOUT 10 TO 16 INCHES

GROUPS IN VERY SMALL PLACES. STANDS ABOUT 10 TO 16 INCHES HIGH AND IS DRABLY COLORED, EATS

STANDS ABOUT 10 TO 16 INCHES HIGH AND IS DRABLY COLORED, EATS GRUBS.

HIGH AND IS DRABLY COLORED, EATS GRUBS. WHY TRAP THE KIWI... USEFUL

GRUBS. WHY TRAP THE KIWI... USEFUL BY-PRODUCTS?

WHY TRAP THE KIWI... USEFUL BY-PRODUCTS? THAT'S RIGHT.

BY-PRODUCTS? THAT'S RIGHT. THEIR CROWN FEATHERS ARE PLUCKED

THAT'S RIGHT. THEIR CROWN FEATHERS ARE PLUCKED AND FITTED AS GRIT FILTERS ON

THEIR CROWN FEATHERS ARE PLUCKED AND FITTED AS GRIT FILTERS ON THE HYDROELECTRIC PRESSES USED

AND FITTED AS GRIT FILTERS ON THE HYDROELECTRIC PRESSES USED TO PUNCH OUT BULLDOZER BLADES IN

THE HYDROELECTRIC PRESSES USED TO PUNCH OUT BULLDOZER BLADES IN AUSTRALIA'S HEAVY-EQUIPMENT

TO PUNCH OUT BULLDOZER BLADES IN AUSTRALIA'S HEAVY-EQUIPMENT INDUSTRY.

AUSTRALIA'S HEAVY-EQUIPMENT INDUSTRY. UH-HUH.

INDUSTRY. UH-HUH. KIWI TRAPPING... HOW DANGEROUS?

UH-HUH. KIWI TRAPPING... HOW DANGEROUS? IF A HELMET IS WORN, NOT AT

KIWI TRAPPING... HOW DANGEROUS? IF A HELMET IS WORN, NOT AT ALL... PROPER HEADGEAR, MITTS.

IF A HELMET IS WORN, NOT AT ALL... PROPER HEADGEAR, MITTS. UH-HUH.

ALL... PROPER HEADGEAR, MITTS. UH-HUH. KIWI CAPABILITY... NOTEWORTHY OR

UH-HUH. KIWI CAPABILITY... NOTEWORTHY OR NEGLIGIBLE?

KIWI CAPABILITY... NOTEWORTHY OR NEGLIGIBLE? TOUGH TO TRACK?

NEGLIGIBLE? TOUGH TO TRACK? I'LL TELL YOU ONE THING,

TOUGH TO TRACK? I'LL TELL YOU ONE THING, SISTER.

I'LL TELL YOU ONE THING, SISTER. THEY DON'T COME WHEN THEY'RE

SISTER. THEY DON'T COME WHEN THEY'RE CALLED.

THEY DON'T COME WHEN THEY'RE CALLED. [CHUCKLES]

CALLED. [CHUCKLES] YEAH.

[CHUCKLES] YEAH. NO, BUT THEY'RE FAST.

YEAH. NO, BUT THEY'RE FAST. THEY'RE TOUCHY.

NO, BUT THEY'RE FAST. THEY'RE TOUCHY. IF THEY WERE A LITTLE HEAVIER, A

THEY'RE TOUCHY. IF THEY WERE A LITTLE HEAVIER, A LITTLE TALLER, A LITTLE BROADER

IF THEY WERE A LITTLE HEAVIER, A LITTLE TALLER, A LITTLE BROADER IN THE WING, THEY COULD PROBABLY

LITTLE TALLER, A LITTLE BROADER IN THE WING, THEY COULD PROBABLY DROP ME IN A FIGHT.

IN THE WING, THEY COULD PROBABLY DROP ME IN A FIGHT. IT COULD BE A BAD BIRD,

DROP ME IN A FIGHT. IT COULD BE A BAD BIRD, SISTER.

IT COULD BE A BAD BIRD, SISTER. LET ME TELL YOU.

SISTER. LET ME TELL YOU. DENNIS HAS PERSONALLY HANDLED

LET ME TELL YOU. DENNIS HAS PERSONALLY HANDLED THOUSANDS OF THESE BIRDS.

DENNIS HAS PERSONALLY HANDLED THOUSANDS OF THESE BIRDS. IT'S LIKE SOMETIMES THEY

THOUSANDS OF THESE BIRDS. IT'S LIKE SOMETIMES THEY CAN... THEY CAN READ MINDS OR

IT'S LIKE SOMETIMES THEY CAN... THEY CAN READ MINDS OR SOMETHING.

CAN... THEY CAN READ MINDS OR SOMETHING. YES.

SOMETHING. YES. SEE, WE'VE LEARNED THAT SLEEPING

YES. SEE, WE'VE LEARNED THAT SLEEPING WITH 30 OR MORE STATIONARY KIWI

SEE, WE'VE LEARNED THAT SLEEPING WITH 30 OR MORE STATIONARY KIWI CAUSES NIGHTMARES.

WITH 30 OR MORE STATIONARY KIWI CAUSES NIGHTMARES. SLEEP WITH THEM?

CAUSES NIGHTMARES. SLEEP WITH THEM? FORGET ABOUT SLEEPING WITH THEM!

SLEEP WITH THEM? FORGET ABOUT SLEEPING WITH THEM! 1:00, 2:00 IN THE MORNING, SOME

FORGET ABOUT SLEEPING WITH THEM! 1:00, 2:00 IN THE MORNING, SOME OF THEM WILL START HOPPING.

1:00, 2:00 IN THE MORNING, SOME OF THEM WILL START HOPPING. 200, 300 OF THEM HOPPING AROUND,

OF THEM WILL START HOPPING. 200, 300 OF THEM HOPPING AROUND, ZIGZAGGING AN AREA OF 90 SQUARE

200, 300 OF THEM HOPPING AROUND, ZIGZAGGING AN AREA OF 90 SQUARE FEET, LEAPING CRAZILY AROUND,

ZIGZAGGING AN AREA OF 90 SQUARE FEET, LEAPING CRAZILY AROUND, MAKING SHAPES AND PATTERNS.

FEET, LEAPING CRAZILY AROUND, MAKING SHAPES AND PATTERNS. YOU CAN SEE THESE SHAPES AND

MAKING SHAPES AND PATTERNS. YOU CAN SEE THESE SHAPES AND PATTERNS LIKE DIAGONALS.

YOU CAN SEE THESE SHAPES AND PATTERNS LIKE DIAGONALS. IT'S... IT'S JUST LIKE THEY DO

PATTERNS LIKE DIAGONALS. IT'S... IT'S JUST LIKE THEY DO IT TO HYPNOTIZE YOU OR

IT'S... IT'S JUST LIKE THEY DO IT TO HYPNOTIZE YOU OR SOMETHING.

IT TO HYPNOTIZE YOU OR SOMETHING. IT'S LIKE THIS POWER THEY HAVE.

SOMETHING. IT'S LIKE THIS POWER THEY HAVE. THAT'S RIGHT.

IT'S LIKE THIS POWER THEY HAVE. THAT'S RIGHT. BUT I'LL SAY THIS FOR THE KIWI.

THAT'S RIGHT. BUT I'LL SAY THIS FOR THE KIWI. ALONE... NO SWEAT.

BUT I'LL SAY THIS FOR THE KIWI. ALONE... NO SWEAT. BUT IN FLOCKS, MAN, YOU GOT TO

ALONE... NO SWEAT. BUT IN FLOCKS, MAN, YOU GOT TO HUSTLE.

BUT IN FLOCKS, MAN, YOU GOT TO HUSTLE. SOMETIMES I JUST FEEL LIKE

HUSTLE. SOMETIMES I JUST FEEL LIKE DRILLING HOLES IN THEIR BEAKS

SOMETIMES I JUST FEEL LIKE DRILLING HOLES IN THEIR BEAKS AND USING THE DAMN BIRDS AS

DRILLING HOLES IN THEIR BEAKS AND USING THE DAMN BIRDS AS TOOTHBRUSH HOLDERS.

AND USING THE DAMN BIRDS AS TOOTHBRUSH HOLDERS. BUT YOU LEARN TO LOVE THEM.

TOOTHBRUSH HOLDERS. BUT YOU LEARN TO LOVE THEM. MOST OF ALL, CANDICE, MOST OF

BUT YOU LEARN TO LOVE THEM. MOST OF ALL, CANDICE, MOST OF ALL, YOU LEARN TO RESPECT THEM.

MOST OF ALL, CANDICE, MOST OF ALL, YOU LEARN TO RESPECT THEM. THAT'S RIGHT.

ALL, YOU LEARN TO RESPECT THEM. THAT'S RIGHT. UH-HUH. I SEE.

THAT'S RIGHT. UH-HUH. I SEE. WELL, GENTLEMAN, IF YOU WILL,

UH-HUH. I SEE. WELL, GENTLEMAN, IF YOU WILL, PLEASE, A DEMONSTRATION OF

WELL, GENTLEMAN, IF YOU WILL, PLEASE, A DEMONSTRATION OF KIWI-TRAPPING TECHNIQUE.

PLEASE, A DEMONSTRATION OF KIWI-TRAPPING TECHNIQUE. OKAY, DENNIS AND I WILL DO

KIWI-TRAPPING TECHNIQUE. OKAY, DENNIS AND I WILL DO THE STANDARD HIGH-NOON

OKAY, DENNIS AND I WILL DO THE STANDARD HIGH-NOON FLUSH-AND-BAG PROCEDURE.

THE STANDARD HIGH-NOON FLUSH-AND-BAG PROCEDURE. THIS IS THE THE STANDARD

FLUSH-AND-BAG PROCEDURE. THIS IS THE THE STANDARD HIGH-NOON FLUSH-AND-BAG

THIS IS THE THE STANDARD HIGH-NOON FLUSH-AND-BAG PROCEDURE.

HIGH-NOON FLUSH-AND-BAG PROCEDURE. IT'S USED BY MOST TRAPPERS.

PROCEDURE. IT'S USED BY MOST TRAPPERS. IN IT, WE DO A FLUSHING CHANT.

IT'S USED BY MOST TRAPPERS. IN IT, WE DO A FLUSHING CHANT. SO IF YOU COULD TURN DOWN YOUR

IN IT, WE DO A FLUSHING CHANT. SO IF YOU COULD TURN DOWN YOUR MICROPHONES A BIT, MIGHT BE

SO IF YOU COULD TURN DOWN YOUR MICROPHONES A BIT, MIGHT BE EASIER ON THE STUDIO.

MICROPHONES A BIT, MIGHT BE EASIER ON THE STUDIO. CANDICE, WOULD YOU STEP RIGHT IN

EASIER ON THE STUDIO. CANDICE, WOULD YOU STEP RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE DESK?

CANDICE, WOULD YOU STEP RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE DESK? THERE. RIGHT HERE.

FRONT OF THE DESK? THERE. RIGHT HERE. OKAY.

THERE. RIGHT HERE. OKAY. OKAY.

OKAY. OKAY. OKAY, READY?

OKAY. OKAY, READY? Both: [Chanting] KIWI!

OKAY, READY? Both: [Chanting] KIWI! KIWI! KIWI! KIWI! KIWI!

Both: [Chanting] KIWI! KIWI! KIWI! KIWI! KIWI! KIWI! KIWI! KIWI! KIWI!

KIWI! KIWI! KIWI! KIWI! KIWI! KIWI! KIWI! KIWI! KIWI! KIWI! KIWI! KIWI!

KIWI! KIWI! KIWI! KIWI! KIWI! KIWI! KIWI! KIWI! KIWI! KIWI! KIWI! KIWI!

KIWI! KIWI! KIWI! KIWI! KIWI! KIWI! KIWI! KIWI! [Chanting] GOT YOU! GOT YOU!

KIWI! KIWI! KIWI! KIWI! [Chanting] GOT YOU! GOT YOU! GOT YOU! GOT YOU!

[Chanting] GOT YOU! GOT YOU! GOT YOU! GOT YOU! WE GOT YOU! WE GOT YOU! GOT YOU!

GOT YOU! GOT YOU! WE GOT YOU! WE GOT YOU! GOT YOU! GOT YOU, KIWI! GOT YOU! GOT YOU!

WE GOT YOU! WE GOT YOU! GOT YOU! GOT YOU, KIWI! GOT YOU! GOT YOU! GOT YOU, KIWI! GOT YOU! GOT YOU!

GOT YOU, KIWI! GOT YOU! GOT YOU! GOT YOU, KIWI! GOT YOU! GOT YOU! GOT YOU! GOT YOU!

GOT YOU, KIWI! GOT YOU! GOT YOU! GOT YOU! GOT YOU! GOT YOU, KIWI! GOT YOU!

GOT YOU! GOT YOU! GOT YOU, KIWI! GOT YOU! GOT YOU! GOT YOU!

GOT YOU, KIWI! GOT YOU! GOT YOU! GOT YOU! GOT YOU! GOT YOU!

GOT YOU! GOT YOU! GOT YOU! GOT YOU! GOT YOU! GOT YOU!

GOT YOU! GOT YOU! GOT YOU! GOT YOU! GOT YOU! GOT YOU!

GOT YOU! GOT YOU! GOT YOU! GOT YOU! GOT YOU! GOT YOU!

GOT YOU! GOT YOU! GOT YOU! GOT YOU! GOT YOU! GOT YOU!

GOT YOU! GOT YOU! GOT YOU! GOT YOU! GOT YOU! GOT YOU!

GOT YOU! GOT YOU! GOT YOU! GOT YOU! GOT YOU! GOT YOU!

GOOD EVENING. TRANS AMERICAN AIRLINES. YOU KNOW WHAT I'D LIKE TO DO

TRANS AMERICAN AIRLINES. YOU KNOW WHAT I'D LIKE TO DO TO YOU, LADY?

YOU KNOW WHAT I'D LIKE TO DO TO YOU, LADY? I'D LIKE TO STICK TACKS IN YOUR

TO YOU, LADY? I'D LIKE TO STICK TACKS IN YOUR NECK.

I'D LIKE TO STICK TACKS IN YOUR NECK. AND THEN I'D LIKE TO TAKE A

NECK. AND THEN I'D LIKE TO TAKE A CHAINSAW AND RUN IT DOWN YOUR

AND THEN I'D LIKE TO TAKE A CHAINSAW AND RUN IT DOWN YOUR SPINE.

CHAINSAW AND RUN IT DOWN YOUR SPINE. THEN I'D LIKE TO THROW GARBAGE

SPINE. THEN I'D LIKE TO THROW GARBAGE AT YOUR FACE.

THEN I'D LIKE TO THROW GARBAGE AT YOUR FACE. THEN I'D LIKE TO RENT A TRUCK,

AT YOUR FACE. THEN I'D LIKE TO RENT A TRUCK, FILL IT FULL OF SCRAP METAL, AND

THEN I'D LIKE TO RENT A TRUCK, FILL IT FULL OF SCRAP METAL, AND PARK IT ON YOUR KNEECAPS.

FILL IT FULL OF SCRAP METAL, AND PARK IT ON YOUR KNEECAPS. THEN I'D LIKE TO HIT YOU IN THE

PARK IT ON YOUR KNEECAPS. THEN I'D LIKE TO HIT YOU IN THE LUNGS WITH A SHOVEL, THROW MORE

THEN I'D LIKE TO HIT YOU IN THE LUNGS WITH A SHOVEL, THROW MORE GARBAGE AT YOUR FACE, AND THEN

LUNGS WITH A SHOVEL, THROW MORE GARBAGE AT YOUR FACE, AND THEN I'D LIKE TO LOP OFF YOUR THUMBS

GARBAGE AT YOUR FACE, AND THEN I'D LIKE TO LOP OFF YOUR THUMBS WITH A GRAPEFRUIT KNIFE.

I'D LIKE TO LOP OFF YOUR THUMBS WITH A GRAPEFRUIT KNIFE. GOODBYE.

WITH A GRAPEFRUIT KNIFE. GOODBYE. GOODBYE, AND THANK YOU FOR

GOODBYE. GOODBYE, AND THANK YOU FOR CALLING TRANS AMERICAN.

GOODBYE, AND THANK YOU FOR CALLING TRANS AMERICAN. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

CALLING TRANS AMERICAN. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] Announcer: COME WITH US NOW

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] Announcer: COME WITH US NOW FROM THE BUBBLING TAR PITS OF

Announcer: COME WITH US NOW FROM THE BUBBLING TAR PITS OF THE SULFUROUS WASTELAND, FROM

FROM THE BUBBLING TAR PITS OF THE SULFUROUS WASTELAND, FROM THE ROTTING FOREST TO THE

THE SULFUROUS WASTELAND, FROM THE ROTTING FOREST TO THE STAGNANT MUD FLATS, TO THE LAND

THE ROTTING FOREST TO THE STAGNANT MUD FLATS, TO THE LAND OF GORCH.

STAGNANT MUD FLATS, TO THE LAND OF GORCH. MMM.

[SLURPING] [LIPS SMACKING] AHH!

[LIPS SMACKING] AHH! BOY, THESE GLIGS ARE REALLY

AHH! BOY, THESE GLIGS ARE REALLY CLAW-LICKING GOOD, YOU KNOW?

BOY, THESE GLIGS ARE REALLY CLAW-LICKING GOOD, YOU KNOW? MMM.

CLAW-LICKING GOOD, YOU KNOW? MMM. TELL ME, VAZH, IS THERE ANY MORE

MMM. TELL ME, VAZH, IS THERE ANY MORE EXTRA-CRISPY LEFT?

TELL ME, VAZH, IS THERE ANY MORE EXTRA-CRISPY LEFT? OH, NO.

EXTRA-CRISPY LEFT? OH, NO. NO?

OH, NO. NO? WHY DIDN'T YOU PREPARE MORE?

NO? WHY DIDN'T YOU PREPARE MORE? YOU KNOW THAT THE GLIGS ARE MY

WHY DIDN'T YOU PREPARE MORE? YOU KNOW THAT THE GLIGS ARE MY FAVORITE DISH.

YOU KNOW THAT THE GLIGS ARE MY FAVORITE DISH. OH, BUT, PLOOBIS, THERE ARE

FAVORITE DISH. OH, BUT, PLOOBIS, THERE ARE ONLY A PAIR OF THEM LEFT...

OH, BUT, PLOOBIS, THERE ARE ONLY A PAIR OF THEM LEFT... A MALE AND A FEMALE.

ONLY A PAIR OF THEM LEFT... A MALE AND A FEMALE. YES.

A MALE AND A FEMALE. YES. B-BUT I REMEMBER THAT ONCE,

YES. B-BUT I REMEMBER THAT ONCE, THE PRAIRIES OF GORCH USED TO

B-BUT I REMEMBER THAT ONCE, THE PRAIRIES OF GORCH USED TO TEEM WITH GREAT FLOCKS OF GLIGS.

THE PRAIRIES OF GORCH USED TO TEEM WITH GREAT FLOCKS OF GLIGS. I KNOW, BUT WE'VE USED THEM

TEEM WITH GREAT FLOCKS OF GLIGS. I KNOW, BUT WE'VE USED THEM ALL UP.

I KNOW, BUT WE'VE USED THEM ALL UP. [GROANS]

ALL UP. [GROANS] WHAT SHOULD WE DO WITH THE

[GROANS] WHAT SHOULD WE DO WITH THE LAST TWO?

WHAT SHOULD WE DO WITH THE LAST TWO? HORS D'OEUVRES OR MAYBE A HAT TO

LAST TWO? HORS D'OEUVRES OR MAYBE A HAT TO GO WITH MY GLIG-SKIN COAT.

HORS D'OEUVRES OR MAYBE A HAT TO GO WITH MY GLIG-SKIN COAT. A COAT?

GO WITH MY GLIG-SKIN COAT. A COAT? NO!

A COAT? NO! SEE THAT?

NO! SEE THAT? IT'S PEOPLE LIKE YOU THAT HAVE

SEE THAT? IT'S PEOPLE LIKE YOU THAT HAVE BROUGHT THE GLIG TO THE VERGE OF

IT'S PEOPLE LIKE YOU THAT HAVE BROUGHT THE GLIG TO THE VERGE OF EXTINCTION.

BROUGHT THE GLIG TO THE VERGE OF EXTINCTION. B-BUT, PLOOBIS, YOU GAVE ME

EXTINCTION. B-BUT, PLOOBIS, YOU GAVE ME THAT COAT, REMEMBER?

B-BUT, PLOOBIS, YOU GAVE ME THAT COAT, REMEMBER? ON THAT LONG WEEKEND?

THAT COAT, REMEMBER? ON THAT LONG WEEKEND? OH, YEAH, LISTEN, VAZH, WHY

ON THAT LONG WEEKEND? OH, YEAH, LISTEN, VAZH, WHY DON'T YOU JUST KEEP THAT WEEKEND

OH, YEAH, LISTEN, VAZH, WHY DON'T YOU JUST KEEP THAT WEEKEND BETWEEN YOU AND ME, YOU KNOW,

DON'T YOU JUST KEEP THAT WEEKEND BETWEEN YOU AND ME, YOU KNOW, HUH?

BETWEEN YOU AND ME, YOU KNOW, HUH? OH, SURE.

HUH? OH, SURE. PLOOBIS!

OH, SURE. PLOOBIS! YEAH, YEAH.

PLOOBIS! YEAH, YEAH. YES, MY DEAR.

YEAH, YEAH. YES, MY DEAR. WHAT'S GOING ON OUT HERE?

YES, MY DEAR. WHAT'S GOING ON OUT HERE? NOTHING, NOTHING.

WHAT'S GOING ON OUT HERE? NOTHING, NOTHING. I WAS JUST [CLEARS THROAT]

NOTHING, NOTHING. I WAS JUST [CLEARS THROAT] I WAS JUST, UH... I WAS JUST

I WAS JUST [CLEARS THROAT] I WAS JUST, UH... I WAS JUST GIVING SOME ADVICE TO THE

I WAS JUST, UH... I WAS JUST GIVING SOME ADVICE TO THE SERVANTS HERE.

GIVING SOME ADVICE TO THE SERVANTS HERE. VAZH, WHY DON'T YOU GO OUT AND

SERVANTS HERE. VAZH, WHY DON'T YOU GO OUT AND MILK THE GORKON?

VAZH, WHY DON'T YOU GO OUT AND MILK THE GORKON? AGAIN?

MILK THE GORKON? AGAIN? JUST GET ON OUT OF HERE.

AGAIN? JUST GET ON OUT OF HERE. [CHUCKLES]

JUST GET ON OUT OF HERE. [CHUCKLES] WELL, DEAR, HOW DO YOU LIKE

[CHUCKLES] WELL, DEAR, HOW DO YOU LIKE MY NEW SHOES, HUH?

WELL, DEAR, HOW DO YOU LIKE MY NEW SHOES, HUH? HMM?

MY NEW SHOES, HUH? HMM? AND HANDBAG.

HMM? AND HANDBAG. WAIT A MINUTE.

AND HANDBAG. WAIT A MINUTE. THAT'S MADE OUT OF GLIG-SKIN.

WAIT A MINUTE. THAT'S MADE OUT OF GLIG-SKIN. UH-HUH.

THAT'S MADE OUT OF GLIG-SKIN. UH-HUH. YEAH. AND THOSE SHOES.

UH-HUH. YEAH. AND THOSE SHOES. WHY, IT MUST HAVE TAKEN THREE

YEAH. AND THOSE SHOES. WHY, IT MUST HAVE TAKEN THREE GLIGS FOR THOSE SHOES ALONE.

WHY, IT MUST HAVE TAKEN THREE GLIGS FOR THOSE SHOES ALONE. WELL, THAT'S RIGHT.

GLIGS FOR THOSE SHOES ALONE. WELL, THAT'S RIGHT. ONE FOR EACH FOOT.

WELL, THAT'S RIGHT. ONE FOR EACH FOOT. YEAH.

ONE FOR EACH FOOT. YEAH. HMM.

YEAH. HMM. SCRED! SCRED, COME IN HERE.

HMM. SCRED! SCRED, COME IN HERE. ♪ DON'T ASK ME IF I LOVE

SCRED! SCRED, COME IN HERE. ♪ DON'T ASK ME IF I LOVE YOU ♪

♪ DON'T ASK ME IF I LOVE YOU ♪ ♪ I'D HAVE TO TELL A LIE ♪

YOU ♪ ♪ I'D HAVE TO TELL A LIE ♪ SCRED!

♪ I'D HAVE TO TELL A LIE ♪ SCRED! COME HERE.

SCRED! COME HERE. LISTEN.

COME HERE. LISTEN. IT HAS COME TO ME THAT THERE ARE

LISTEN. IT HAS COME TO ME THAT THERE ARE ONLY TWO GLIGS LEFT IN ALL

IT HAS COME TO ME THAT THERE ARE ONLY TWO GLIGS LEFT IN ALL GORCH.

ONLY TWO GLIGS LEFT IN ALL GORCH. HMM.

GORCH. HMM. WHAT DO WE DO?

HMM. WHAT DO WE DO? HMM.

WHAT DO WE DO? HMM. HOWS ABOUT WE STUFF 'EM AND PUT

HMM. HOWS ABOUT WE STUFF 'EM AND PUT 'EM IN THE GORCH MUSEUM, HMM?

HOWS ABOUT WE STUFF 'EM AND PUT 'EM IN THE GORCH MUSEUM, HMM? SCRED!

'EM IN THE GORCH MUSEUM, HMM? SCRED! AAH!

SCRED! AAH! I GUESS NOT, HUH?

AAH! I GUESS NOT, HUH? NO. WHAT WE DO IS WE ASK THE

I GUESS NOT, HUH? NO. WHAT WE DO IS WE ASK THE ADVICE OF THE MIGHTY FAVOG.

NO. WHAT WE DO IS WE ASK THE ADVICE OF THE MIGHTY FAVOG. [GONG BANGS]

ADVICE OF THE MIGHTY FAVOG. [GONG BANGS] THIS IS THE MIGHTY FAVOG.

[GONG BANGS] THIS IS THE MIGHTY FAVOG. TALK TA ME.

THIS IS THE MIGHTY FAVOG. TALK TA ME. OH, MIGHTY FAVOG!

TALK TA ME. OH, MIGHTY FAVOG! DON'T SHOUT.

OH, MIGHTY FAVOG! DON'T SHOUT. OH, MIGHTY FAVOG.

DON'T SHOUT. OH, MIGHTY FAVOG. THAT'S NICE.

OH, MIGHTY FAVOG. THAT'S NICE. I'VE GOT A PROBLEM.

THAT'S NICE. I'VE GOT A PROBLEM. BUSINESS, SPORTS, OR

I'VE GOT A PROBLEM. BUSINESS, SPORTS, OR PERSONAL?

BUSINESS, SPORTS, OR PERSONAL? UH... SCRED?

PERSONAL? UH... SCRED? ECOLOGICAL, OH, GRAND

UH... SCRED? ECOLOGICAL, OH, GRAND POLLUTER.

ECOLOGICAL, OH, GRAND POLLUTER. IT'S ECOLOGICAL!

POLLUTER. IT'S ECOLOGICAL! [SNORTS]

IT'S ECOLOGICAL! [SNORTS] IT'S GONNA COST YA...

[SNORTS] IT'S GONNA COST YA... TWO CHICKENS AND A GLIG.

IT'S GONNA COST YA... TWO CHICKENS AND A GLIG. PAY HIM, SCRED.

TWO CHICKENS AND A GLIG. PAY HIM, SCRED. OH, YEAH.

PAY HIM, SCRED. OH, YEAH. [HUMMING]

OH, YEAH. [HUMMING] TWO CHICKENS!

[HUMMING] TWO CHICKENS! GET IN THERE, YA LITTLE GUYS.

TWO CHICKENS! GET IN THERE, YA LITTLE GUYS. MM-HMM.

GET IN THERE, YA LITTLE GUYS. MM-HMM. AND ONE GLIG.

MM-HMM. AND ONE GLIG. OH, WE DON'T HAVE A GLIG.

AND ONE GLIG. OH, WE DON'T HAVE A GLIG. LET'S SEE.

OH, WE DON'T HAVE A GLIG. LET'S SEE. OH, LOOK!

LET'S SEE. OH, LOOK! AH! THERE, THERE!

OH, LOOK! AH! THERE, THERE! THERE'S A GLIG! LOOK!

AH! THERE, THERE! THERE'S A GLIG! LOOK! GET HIM! GET HIM!

THERE'S A GLIG! LOOK! GET HIM! GET HIM! OH, PLEASE!

GET HIM! GET HIM! OH, PLEASE! DON'T HURT ME!

OH, PLEASE! DON'T HURT ME! PLEASE! OH, PLEASE!

DON'T HURT ME! PLEASE! OH, PLEASE! OH, PLEASE!

PLEASE! OH, PLEASE! OH, PLEASE! STOP THIS!

OH, PLEASE! STOP THIS! OH, PLEASE!

STOP THIS! OH, PLEASE! AAAH! AAAAAAAAH!

OH, PLEASE! AAAH! AAAAAAAAH! [SPLASH]

AAAH! AAAAAAAAH! [SPLASH] EMOTIONAL LITTLE DEVIL.

[SPLASH] EMOTIONAL LITTLE DEVIL. ALL RIGHT, WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM?

EMOTIONAL LITTLE DEVIL. ALL RIGHT, WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM? WELL, THE PROBLEM IS THIS.

ALL RIGHT, WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM? WELL, THE PROBLEM IS THIS. YOU SEE, WE ONLY HAVE TWO GLIGS.

WELL, THE PROBLEM IS THIS. YOU SEE, WE ONLY HAVE TWO GLIGS. MNH-MNH. SIRE, SIRE.

YOU SEE, WE ONLY HAVE TWO GLIGS. MNH-MNH. SIRE, SIRE. [WHISPERING]

MNH-MNH. SIRE, SIRE. [WHISPERING] TWO GLIGS...

[WHISPERING] TWO GLIGS... [WHISPERING]

TWO GLIGS... [WHISPERING] ONE GLIG...

[WHISPERING] ONE GLIG... [WHISPERING]

ONE GLIG... [WHISPERING] FAVOG.

[WHISPERING] FAVOG. OH.

FAVOG. OH. MM-HMM.

OH. MM-HMM. UH... WE ONLY GOT ONE GLIG IN

MM-HMM. UH... WE ONLY GOT ONE GLIG IN ALL OF GORCH, YOU SEE?

UH... WE ONLY GOT ONE GLIG IN ALL OF GORCH, YOU SEE? AND THE PROBLEM IS, HOW DO WE

ALL OF GORCH, YOU SEE? AND THE PROBLEM IS, HOW DO WE GET MORE GLIGS?

AND THE PROBLEM IS, HOW DO WE GET MORE GLIGS? YOU SHOULD'VE SAID SOMETHING

GET MORE GLIGS? YOU SHOULD'VE SAID SOMETHING SOONER.

YOU SHOULD'VE SAID SOMETHING SOONER. ALL RIGHT, TAKE BACK YOUR GLIG.

SOONER. ALL RIGHT, TAKE BACK YOUR GLIG. THANK GOODNESS!

ALL RIGHT, TAKE BACK YOUR GLIG. THANK GOODNESS! AHH! COME BACK HERE, YOU!

THANK GOODNESS! AHH! COME BACK HERE, YOU! OKAY.

AHH! COME BACK HERE, YOU! OKAY. GO FORTH, BE FRUITFUL, AND

OKAY. GO FORTH, BE FRUITFUL, AND MULTIPLY!

GO FORTH, BE FRUITFUL, AND MULTIPLY! I'M COMING, BERNICE!

MULTIPLY! I'M COMING, BERNICE! [APPLAUSE]

AND SO THE COW WAS RETURNED TO ITS RIGHTFUL OWNER. [BOTH LAUGH]

TO ITS RIGHTFUL OWNER. [BOTH LAUGH] YOU KNOW, YOUR MAJESTY, IN

[BOTH LAUGH] YOU KNOW, YOUR MAJESTY, IN ALL MY TRAVELS, I HAVE SELDOM

YOU KNOW, YOUR MAJESTY, IN ALL MY TRAVELS, I HAVE SELDOM SEEN A PEOPLE AS HAPPY AS THOSE

ALL MY TRAVELS, I HAVE SELDOM SEEN A PEOPLE AS HAPPY AS THOSE I'VE MET DURING MY STAY HERE.

SEEN A PEOPLE AS HAPPY AS THOSE I'VE MET DURING MY STAY HERE. VERY HAPPY, YES, YES.

I'VE MET DURING MY STAY HERE. VERY HAPPY, YES, YES. THERE IS NO POLITICAL UNREST

VERY HAPPY, YES, YES. THERE IS NO POLITICAL UNREST IN YOUR COUNTRY, NO RELIGIOUS

THERE IS NO POLITICAL UNREST IN YOUR COUNTRY, NO RELIGIOUS STRIFE.

IN YOUR COUNTRY, NO RELIGIOUS STRIFE. YES, YES, VERY, VERY

STRIFE. YES, YES, VERY, VERY PEACEFUL.

YES, YES, VERY, VERY PEACEFUL. VERY HAPPY PEOPLE.

PEACEFUL. VERY HAPPY PEOPLE. ISN'T THAT WONDERFUL?

VERY HAPPY PEOPLE. ISN'T THAT WONDERFUL? ARE WE ALL SET TO ROLL, JIM?

ISN'T THAT WONDERFUL? ARE WE ALL SET TO ROLL, JIM? JIM?

ARE WE ALL SET TO ROLL, JIM? JIM? OKAY.

JIM? OKAY. WELL, THIS MAY NOT BE THE MOST

OKAY. WELL, THIS MAY NOT BE THE MOST CONTROVERSIAL INTERVIEW I'VE

WELL, THIS MAY NOT BE THE MOST CONTROVERSIAL INTERVIEW I'VE EVER DONE, BUT LET'S GIVE IT A

CONTROVERSIAL INTERVIEW I'VE EVER DONE, BUT LET'S GIVE IT A WHIRL, ALL RIGHT?

EVER DONE, BUT LET'S GIVE IT A WHIRL, ALL RIGHT? OKAY.

WHIRL, ALL RIGHT? OKAY. OKAY.

OKAY. OKAY. OKAY.

OKAY. OKAY. [CLEARS THROAT]

OKAY. [CLEARS THROAT] GOOD EVENING.

[CLEARS THROAT] GOOD EVENING. THIS IS CANDICE BERGEN REPORTING

GOOD EVENING. THIS IS CANDICE BERGEN REPORTING FROM, UH, ONE OF THOSE LITTLE

THIS IS CANDICE BERGEN REPORTING FROM, UH, ONE OF THOSE LITTLE THIRD-WORLD COUNTRIES, AND I'M

FROM, UH, ONE OF THOSE LITTLE THIRD-WORLD COUNTRIES, AND I'M TALKING TO THE RULER OF THAT

THIRD-WORLD COUNTRIES, AND I'M TALKING TO THE RULER OF THAT COUNTRY, HIS ROYAL HIGHNESS,

TALKING TO THE RULER OF THAT COUNTRY, HIS ROYAL HIGHNESS, KING... TASAFUKA... [CHUCKLES]

COUNTRY, HIS ROYAL HIGHNESS, KING... TASAFUKA... [CHUCKLES] LISTEN, I CAN'T PRONOUNCE THIS

KING... TASAFUKA... [CHUCKLES] LISTEN, I CAN'T PRONOUNCE THIS NAME.

LISTEN, I CAN'T PRONOUNCE THIS NAME. WHY DON'T I JUST CALL YOU

NAME. WHY DON'T I JUST CALL YOU RAGHEAD, OKAY?

WHY DON'T I JUST CALL YOU RAGHEAD, OKAY? I-I APOLOGIZE FOR NOT SPEAK

RAGHEAD, OKAY? I-I APOLOGIZE FOR NOT SPEAK ENGLISH TOO GOOD.

I-I APOLOGIZE FOR NOT SPEAK ENGLISH TOO GOOD. WHAT IS THIS RAGHEAD?

ENGLISH TOO GOOD. WHAT IS THIS RAGHEAD? OF COURSE, I'M SORRY.

WHAT IS THIS RAGHEAD? OF COURSE, I'M SORRY. NOW, IF YOU PREFER PORKFACE,

OF COURSE, I'M SORRY. NOW, IF YOU PREFER PORKFACE, THAT'S FINE WITH ME.

NOW, IF YOU PREFER PORKFACE, THAT'S FINE WITH ME. PORKFACE.

THAT'S FINE WITH ME. PORKFACE. YES, WONDERFUL.

PORKFACE. YES, WONDERFUL. PORKFACE.

YES, WONDERFUL. PORKFACE. YOU KNOW, THAT'S A WONDERFUL

PORKFACE. YOU KNOW, THAT'S A WONDERFUL TIE YOU HAVE THERE.

YOU KNOW, THAT'S A WONDERFUL TIE YOU HAVE THERE. IT'S VERY ELEGANT.

TIE YOU HAVE THERE. IT'S VERY ELEGANT. YOU LIKE THIS?

IT'S VERY ELEGANT. YOU LIKE THIS? VERY MUCH.

YOU LIKE THIS? VERY MUCH. OH, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

VERY MUCH. OH, THANK YOU VERY MUCH. WOULD YOU LIKE A MATCHING

OH, THANK YOU VERY MUCH. WOULD YOU LIKE A MATCHING HANDKERCHIEF?

WOULD YOU LIKE A MATCHING HANDKERCHIEF? THAT WOULD BE NICE.

HANDKERCHIEF? THAT WOULD BE NICE. IT WOULD BE NICE.

THAT WOULD BE NICE. IT WOULD BE NICE. OKAY. HERE YOU GO.

IT WOULD BE NICE. OKAY. HERE YOU GO. MATCHING HANDKERCHIEF.

OKAY. HERE YOU GO. MATCHING HANDKERCHIEF. OH, YOU LOOK LIKE A MILLION

MATCHING HANDKERCHIEF. OH, YOU LOOK LIKE A MILLION BUCKS.

OH, YOU LOOK LIKE A MILLION BUCKS. I DO NOT THINK IT LOOK GOOD.

BUCKS. I DO NOT THINK IT LOOK GOOD. I WOULD RATHER YOU HAD NOT HAVE

I DO NOT THINK IT LOOK GOOD. I WOULD RATHER YOU HAD NOT HAVE DONE THAT.

I WOULD RATHER YOU HAD NOT HAVE DONE THAT. NO GOOD, HUH?

DONE THAT. NO GOOD, HUH? NO GOOD.

NO GOOD, HUH? NO GOOD. I KNOW... A GOATEE.

NO GOOD. I KNOW... A GOATEE. DO YOU MIND?

I KNOW... A GOATEE. DO YOU MIND? WELL, IF YOU MUST.

DO YOU MIND? WELL, IF YOU MUST. OKAY. A GOATEE.

WELL, IF YOU MUST. OKAY. A GOATEE. THERE WE GO.

OKAY. A GOATEE. THERE WE GO. VERY SMART, VERY STYLISH.

THERE WE GO. VERY SMART, VERY STYLISH. OKAY, HERE'S YOUR PEN BACK.

VERY SMART, VERY STYLISH. OKAY, HERE'S YOUR PEN BACK. ALLOW ME TO JUST STICK IT UP

OKAY, HERE'S YOUR PEN BACK. ALLOW ME TO JUST STICK IT UP YOUR NOSE.

ALLOW ME TO JUST STICK IT UP YOUR NOSE. WHY WOULD YOU THINK I WOULD

YOUR NOSE. WHY WOULD YOU THINK I WOULD WANT PEN IN NOSE?

WHY WOULD YOU THINK I WOULD WANT PEN IN NOSE? YOU HAVE BEEN BEING RUDE, I

WANT PEN IN NOSE? YOU HAVE BEEN BEING RUDE, I THINK.

YOU HAVE BEEN BEING RUDE, I THINK. YOU KNOW, KING, THIS IS GREAT

THINK. YOU KNOW, KING, THIS IS GREAT COFFEE.

YOU KNOW, KING, THIS IS GREAT COFFEE. VERY FULL-BODIED.

COFFEE. VERY FULL-BODIED. COULD I GIVE YOU SOME?

VERY FULL-BODIED. COULD I GIVE YOU SOME? I DON'T KNOW.

COULD I GIVE YOU SOME? I DON'T KNOW. OH, ARE YOU KIDDING?

I DON'T KNOW. OH, ARE YOU KIDDING? ARE YOU KIDDING? YOU'LL LOVE IT.

OH, ARE YOU KIDDING? ARE YOU KIDDING? YOU'LL LOVE IT. OKAY.

ARE YOU KIDDING? YOU'LL LOVE IT. OKAY. OKAY, HERE.

OKAY. OKAY, HERE. HERE WE GO.

OKAY, HERE. HERE WE GO. COFFEE.

HERE WE GO. COFFEE. COFFEE... AAH-GAH-AAH!

COFFEE. COFFEE... AAH-GAH-AAH! OH, NOW I THINK YOU GO TOO FAR.

COFFEE... AAH-GAH-AAH! OH, NOW I THINK YOU GO TOO FAR. OH, BY THE WAY, I SENT YOU A

OH, NOW I THINK YOU GO TOO FAR. OH, BY THE WAY, I SENT YOU A LETTER LAST WEEK.

OH, BY THE WAY, I SENT YOU A LETTER LAST WEEK. YOU DID?

LETTER LAST WEEK. YOU DID? I RECEIVED NO SUCH

YOU DID? I RECEIVED NO SUCH CORRESPONDENCE.

I RECEIVED NO SUCH CORRESPONDENCE. OH, REALLY?

CORRESPONDENCE. OH, REALLY? NO.

OH, REALLY? NO. THAT'S BECAUSE I FORGOT TO

NO. THAT'S BECAUSE I FORGOT TO STAMP IT.

THAT'S BECAUSE I FORGOT TO STAMP IT. [FOOT POUNDS]

STAMP IT. [FOOT POUNDS] AAH! GAH! WAH!

[FOOT POUNDS] AAH! GAH! WAH! OH, THIS IS IT.

AAH! GAH! WAH! OH, THIS IS IT. YOU ARE BEGGING FOR A BEATING,

OH, THIS IS IT. YOU ARE BEGGING FOR A BEATING, FOOLISH ONE.

YOU ARE BEGGING FOR A BEATING, FOOLISH ONE. THIS INSULT WILL NOT GO

FOOLISH ONE. THIS INSULT WILL NOT GO UNPUNISHED.

THIS INSULT WILL NOT GO UNPUNISHED. BEFORE THE SUN RISES...

UNPUNISHED. BEFORE THE SUN RISES... PARDON ME FOR INTERRUPTING

BEFORE THE SUN RISES... PARDON ME FOR INTERRUPTING YOU.

PARDON ME FOR INTERRUPTING YOU. YES?

YOU. YES? LISTEN TO THIS.

YES? LISTEN TO THIS. HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A MATCH BURN

LISTEN TO THIS. HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A MATCH BURN TWICE?

HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A MATCH BURN TWICE? NO, I HAVE NOT SEEN THIS.

TWICE? NO, I HAVE NOT SEEN THIS. WATCH THIS... ONCE.

NO, I HAVE NOT SEEN THIS. WATCH THIS... ONCE. OH, ONCE.

WATCH THIS... ONCE. OH, ONCE. GAH!

OH, ONCE. GAH! TWICE.

GAH! TWICE. GAH!

TWICE. GAH! YOU... YOU HAVE SEALED YOUR

GAH! YOU... YOU HAVE SEALED YOUR DOOM, DAUGHTER OF A THOUSAND

YOU... YOU HAVE SEALED YOUR DOOM, DAUGHTER OF A THOUSAND DEVILS!

DOOM, DAUGHTER OF A THOUSAND DEVILS! PREPARE TO DIE!

DEVILS! PREPARE TO DIE! GUARDS!

PREPARE TO DIE! GUARDS! GUARDS!

GUARDS! GUARDS! TAKE THIS WOMAN OUT.

GUARDS! TAKE THIS WOMAN OUT. HANG HER AND SHOOT HER AND CHOP

TAKE THIS WOMAN OUT. HANG HER AND SHOOT HER AND CHOP OFF HER HEAD AND PLACE IT ON A

HANG HER AND SHOOT HER AND CHOP OFF HER HEAD AND PLACE IT ON A STAKE SO THAT ALL MAY SEE!

OFF HER HEAD AND PLACE IT ON A STAKE SO THAT ALL MAY SEE! AND SO IT IS OBVIOUS THAT

STAKE SO THAT ALL MAY SEE! AND SO IT IS OBVIOUS THAT CIVIL LIBERTIES ARE AT AN END

AND SO IT IS OBVIOUS THAT CIVIL LIBERTIES ARE AT AN END HERE AS A POWER-MAD MONARCH

CIVIL LIBERTIES ARE AT AN END HERE AS A POWER-MAD MONARCH MUZZLES THE FREE PRESS AND IN

HERE AS A POWER-MAD MONARCH MUZZLES THE FREE PRESS AND IN DEFIANCE OF ALL INTERNATIONAL

MUZZLES THE FREE PRESS AND IN DEFIANCE OF ALL INTERNATIONAL LAW HAS EVEN GONE SO FAR AS TO

DEFIANCE OF ALL INTERNATIONAL LAW HAS EVEN GONE SO FAR AS TO THREATEN ONE FOREIGN

LAW HAS EVEN GONE SO FAR AS TO THREATEN ONE FOREIGN CORRESPONDENT WITH DEATH.

THREATEN ONE FOREIGN CORRESPONDENT WITH DEATH. THIS IS CANDICE BERGEN,

CORRESPONDENT WITH DEATH. THIS IS CANDICE BERGEN, SOMEWHERE IN THE MIDEAST.

THIS IS CANDICE BERGEN, SOMEWHERE IN THE MIDEAST. [APPLAUSE]

GOOD EVENING, THIS IS GARRETT MORRIS, AND WELCOME TO "BLACK PERSPECTIVE."

GARRETT MORRIS, AND WELCOME TO "BLACK PERSPECTIVE." MY GUEST THIS EVENING IS A

"BLACK PERSPECTIVE." MY GUEST THIS EVENING IS A DISTINGUISHED AUTHORESS WHO HAS

MY GUEST THIS EVENING IS A DISTINGUISHED AUTHORESS WHO HAS WRITTEN SUCH SCATHING NOVELS AS

DISTINGUISHED AUTHORESS WHO HAS WRITTEN SUCH SCATHING NOVELS AS "SHARECROPPER '75" AND

WRITTEN SUCH SCATHING NOVELS AS "SHARECROPPER '75" AND "CHARCOAL CITY."

"SHARECROPPER '75" AND "CHARCOAL CITY." SHE WAS A SCRIPT CONSULTANT ON

"CHARCOAL CITY." SHE WAS A SCRIPT CONSULTANT ON THE FILM "SOUNDER" AND HAS GIVEN

SHE WAS A SCRIPT CONSULTANT ON THE FILM "SOUNDER" AND HAS GIVEN MANY OF US A MOST ENRICHING

THE FILM "SOUNDER" AND HAS GIVEN MANY OF US A MOST ENRICHING INSIGHT INTO THE URBAN BLACK

MANY OF US A MOST ENRICHING INSIGHT INTO THE URBAN BLACK EXPERIENCE.

INSIGHT INTO THE URBAN BLACK EXPERIENCE. MISS JANE CURTIN.

EXPERIENCE. MISS JANE CURTIN. WELCOME, SOUL SISTER CURTIN.

MISS JANE CURTIN. WELCOME, SOUL SISTER CURTIN. I HAVE NEVER MET YOU, BUT I'M A

WELCOME, SOUL SISTER CURTIN. I HAVE NEVER MET YOU, BUT I'M A BIG FAN OF YOUR WORK.

I HAVE NEVER MET YOU, BUT I'M A BIG FAN OF YOUR WORK. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

BIG FAN OF YOUR WORK. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. I'M HAPPY TO BE HERE TONIGHT.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH. I'M HAPPY TO BE HERE TONIGHT. JANE, IF I MAY CALL YOU THAT,

I'M HAPPY TO BE HERE TONIGHT. JANE, IF I MAY CALL YOU THAT, YOUR WRITING SUGGESTS A LINEAGE,

JANE, IF I MAY CALL YOU THAT, YOUR WRITING SUGGESTS A LINEAGE, A BACKGROUND STEEPED IN THE

YOUR WRITING SUGGESTS A LINEAGE, A BACKGROUND STEEPED IN THE TRADITIONS OF THE SHARECROPPERS

A BACKGROUND STEEPED IN THE TRADITIONS OF THE SHARECROPPERS OF THE '30s WHO ULTIMATELY

TRADITIONS OF THE SHARECROPPERS OF THE '30s WHO ULTIMATELY MIGRATED TO THE LARGE CITIES.

OF THE '30s WHO ULTIMATELY MIGRATED TO THE LARGE CITIES. WHERE WERE YOU RAISED AS A

MIGRATED TO THE LARGE CITIES. WHERE WERE YOU RAISED AS A LITTLE GIRL?

WHERE WERE YOU RAISED AS A LITTLE GIRL? WELL, AS A MATTER OF FACT,

LITTLE GIRL? WELL, AS A MATTER OF FACT, GARRETT, I WAS RAISED IN THE

WELL, AS A MATTER OF FACT, GARRETT, I WAS RAISED IN THE NORTH... NEW YORK CITY TO BE

GARRETT, I WAS RAISED IN THE NORTH... NEW YORK CITY TO BE EXACT.

NORTH... NEW YORK CITY TO BE EXACT. AH, I SUPPOSE, THEN, THAT

EXACT. AH, I SUPPOSE, THEN, THAT GROWING UP IN HARLEM GAVE YOU

AH, I SUPPOSE, THEN, THAT GROWING UP IN HARLEM GAVE YOU THIS ANIMAL ALERTNESS, THIS

GROWING UP IN HARLEM GAVE YOU THIS ANIMAL ALERTNESS, THIS STREET SENSE THAT SEEMS TO

THIS ANIMAL ALERTNESS, THIS STREET SENSE THAT SEEMS TO PERMEATE THE CORE OF YOUR WORK.

STREET SENSE THAT SEEMS TO PERMEATE THE CORE OF YOUR WORK. NOT EXACTLY, GARRETT.

PERMEATE THE CORE OF YOUR WORK. NOT EXACTLY, GARRETT. I GREW UP IN MIDTOWN MANHATTAN,

NOT EXACTLY, GARRETT. I GREW UP IN MIDTOWN MANHATTAN, NOT FAR FROM THIS STUDIO HERE...

I GREW UP IN MIDTOWN MANHATTAN, NOT FAR FROM THIS STUDIO HERE... MADISON AND 63rd.

NOT FAR FROM THIS STUDIO HERE... MADISON AND 63rd. BUT I DO FEEL THAT THE

MADISON AND 63rd. BUT I DO FEEL THAT THE CONSCIENCE OF MY WRITING HAS

BUT I DO FEEL THAT THE CONSCIENCE OF MY WRITING HAS BEEN STRONGLY INFLUENCED BY THE

CONSCIENCE OF MY WRITING HAS BEEN STRONGLY INFLUENCED BY THE PLIGHT OF MY BROTHERS AND

BEEN STRONGLY INFLUENCED BY THE PLIGHT OF MY BROTHERS AND SISTERS IN THE GHETTO AREAS YOU

PLIGHT OF MY BROTHERS AND SISTERS IN THE GHETTO AREAS YOU SPEAK OF.

SISTERS IN THE GHETTO AREAS YOU SPEAK OF. BUT MOST IMPORTANT IN

SPEAK OF. BUT MOST IMPORTANT IN RELATIONSHIP TO THIS, I THINK,

BUT MOST IMPORTANT IN RELATIONSHIP TO THIS, I THINK, IS THAT IF YOU ARE ONE OF US,

RELATIONSHIP TO THIS, I THINK, IS THAT IF YOU ARE ONE OF US, YOU CAN SPEAK AND FEEL FOR ALL

IS THAT IF YOU ARE ONE OF US, YOU CAN SPEAK AND FEEL FOR ALL OF US, NO MATTER WHERE YOU COME

YOU CAN SPEAK AND FEEL FOR ALL OF US, NO MATTER WHERE YOU COME FROM.

OF US, NO MATTER WHERE YOU COME FROM. RIGHT ON.

FROM. RIGHT ON. JANE, I'M SURE THAT YOU AND I

RIGHT ON. JANE, I'M SURE THAT YOU AND I AGREE ON THIS, BUT FOR THE SAKE

JANE, I'M SURE THAT YOU AND I AGREE ON THIS, BUT FOR THE SAKE OF OUR VIEWERS, I'M GOING TO ASK

AGREE ON THIS, BUT FOR THE SAKE OF OUR VIEWERS, I'M GOING TO ASK YOU ANYWAY.

OF OUR VIEWERS, I'M GOING TO ASK YOU ANYWAY. WHICH DO YOU PREFER... "BLACK,"

YOU ANYWAY. WHICH DO YOU PREFER... "BLACK," "AFRO-AMERICAN," "NEGRO"...

WHICH DO YOU PREFER... "BLACK," "AFRO-AMERICAN," "NEGRO"... I PREFER SIMPLY

"AFRO-AMERICAN," "NEGRO"... I PREFER SIMPLY "JUNGLE BUNNY."

I PREFER SIMPLY "JUNGLE BUNNY." [LAUGHS] NO!

"JUNGLE BUNNY." [LAUGHS] NO! [LAUGHTER]

[LAUGHS] NO! [LAUGHTER] "BLACK" IS FINE, GARRETT.

[LAUGHTER] "BLACK" IS FINE, GARRETT. "BLACK" IS FINE.

"BLACK" IS FINE, GARRETT. "BLACK" IS FINE. [LAUGHS]

"BLACK" IS FINE. [LAUGHS] ANY SUGGESTIONS FOR YOUNG BLACK

[LAUGHS] ANY SUGGESTIONS FOR YOUNG BLACK WRITERS?

ANY SUGGESTIONS FOR YOUNG BLACK WRITERS? WRITE WHAT YOU KNOW, WRITE

WRITERS? WRITE WHAT YOU KNOW, WRITE WHAT YOU FEEL, WRITE THE TRUTH.

WRITE WHAT YOU KNOW, WRITE WHAT YOU FEEL, WRITE THE TRUTH. I'M HOLDING HERE... I'M

WHAT YOU FEEL, WRITE THE TRUTH. I'M HOLDING HERE... I'M HOLDING HERE A COPY OF YOUR

I'M HOLDING HERE... I'M HOLDING HERE A COPY OF YOUR NEWEST BOOK, "SHADOWS," AND

HOLDING HERE A COPY OF YOUR NEWEST BOOK, "SHADOWS," AND THERE IS NO DENYING THAT, IN

NEWEST BOOK, "SHADOWS," AND THERE IS NO DENYING THAT, IN PERSON, YOU LOOK NOTHING AT ALL

THERE IS NO DENYING THAT, IN PERSON, YOU LOOK NOTHING AT ALL LIKE YOUR PICTURE.

PERSON, YOU LOOK NOTHING AT ALL LIKE YOUR PICTURE. I'M SURE THAT YOU MUST HEAR THIS

LIKE YOUR PICTURE. I'M SURE THAT YOU MUST HEAR THIS A LOT.

I'M SURE THAT YOU MUST HEAR THIS A LOT. YES, I DO. QUITE FREQUENTLY.

A LOT. YES, I DO. QUITE FREQUENTLY. BUT I MUST BE HONEST, I DON'T

YES, I DO. QUITE FREQUENTLY. BUT I MUST BE HONEST, I DON'T PHOTOGRAPH WELL AT ALL.

BUT I MUST BE HONEST, I DON'T PHOTOGRAPH WELL AT ALL. WELL, THANK YOU, JANE CURTIN,

PHOTOGRAPH WELL AT ALL. WELL, THANK YOU, JANE CURTIN, FOR BEING WITH US HERE ON

WELL, THANK YOU, JANE CURTIN, FOR BEING WITH US HERE ON "BLACK PERSPECTIVE."

FOR BEING WITH US HERE ON "BLACK PERSPECTIVE." BE WITH US NEXT WEEK WHEN OUR

"BLACK PERSPECTIVE." BE WITH US NEXT WEEK WHEN OUR GUEST WILL BE ANDRé PREVIN.

BE WITH US NEXT WEEK WHEN OUR GUEST WILL BE ANDRé PREVIN. [APPLAUSE]

HEY, I'M PLAYING AT A DISADVANTAGE. I'M REALLY BETTER FROM THE LEFT

DISADVANTAGE. I'M REALLY BETTER FROM THE LEFT SIDE.

I'M REALLY BETTER FROM THE LEFT SIDE. THAT'S WHAT YOU SAID

SIDE. THAT'S WHAT YOU SAID YESTERDAY WHEN I WON, REMEMBER?

THAT'S WHAT YOU SAID YESTERDAY WHEN I WON, REMEMBER? YOU WERE PLAYING ON THE LEFT

YESTERDAY WHEN I WON, REMEMBER? YOU WERE PLAYING ON THE LEFT SIDE.

YOU WERE PLAYING ON THE LEFT SIDE. OKAY, KEEP IT DOWN.

SIDE. OKAY, KEEP IT DOWN. NOT EVERYONE HAS TO KNOW ABOUT

OKAY, KEEP IT DOWN. NOT EVERYONE HAS TO KNOW ABOUT IT, OKAY?

NOT EVERYONE HAS TO KNOW ABOUT IT, OKAY? YOU GOT ANYTHING...

IT, OKAY? YOU GOT ANYTHING... NICE SHOT.

YOU GOT ANYTHING... NICE SHOT. RIGHT IN THE HOLE.

NICE SHOT. RIGHT IN THE HOLE. GOT ANYTHING PLANNED FOR THE

RIGHT IN THE HOLE. GOT ANYTHING PLANNED FOR THE THANKSGIVING WEEKEND?

GOT ANYTHING PLANNED FOR THE THANKSGIVING WEEKEND? NAH.

THANKSGIVING WEEKEND? NAH. I'M GOING HOME.

NAH. I'M GOING HOME. I'M, UH...

I'M GOING HOME. I'M, UH... I'M TAKING CAROL WITH ME.

I'M, UH... I'M TAKING CAROL WITH ME. THINGS GETTING PRETTY HEAVY

I'M TAKING CAROL WITH ME. THINGS GETTING PRETTY HEAVY BE... BETWEEN YOU AND CAROL?

THINGS GETTING PRETTY HEAVY BE... BETWEEN YOU AND CAROL? I GUESS SO.

BE... BETWEEN YOU AND CAROL? I GUESS SO. BOY, MY PARENTS HAVEN'T MET HER

I GUESS SO. BOY, MY PARENTS HAVEN'T MET HER YET, AND I'M BRINGING HER THERE,

BOY, MY PARENTS HAVEN'T MET HER YET, AND I'M BRINGING HER THERE, YOU KNOW?

YET, AND I'M BRINGING HER THERE, YOU KNOW? WE'VE BEEN LIVING TOGETHER ALL

YOU KNOW? WE'VE BEEN LIVING TOGETHER ALL SEMESTER.

WE'VE BEEN LIVING TOGETHER ALL SEMESTER. YOUR PARENTS KNOW THAT?

SEMESTER. YOUR PARENTS KNOW THAT? NO WAY, MAN.

YOUR PARENTS KNOW THAT? NO WAY, MAN. THEY'RE REALLY PRUDES,

NO WAY, MAN. THEY'RE REALLY PRUDES, ESPECIALLY MY FATHER.

THEY'RE REALLY PRUDES, ESPECIALLY MY FATHER. HE... HE'D THINK CAROL WAS SOME

ESPECIALLY MY FATHER. HE... HE'D THINK CAROL WAS SOME KIND OF HOOKER OR SOMETHING.

HE... HE'D THINK CAROL WAS SOME KIND OF HOOKER OR SOMETHING. NICE SHOT THERE.

KIND OF HOOKER OR SOMETHING. NICE SHOT THERE. WELL, WHERE IS SHE GONNA...

NICE SHOT THERE. WELL, WHERE IS SHE GONNA... WHERE IS SHE GONNA SLEEP?

WELL, WHERE IS SHE GONNA... WHERE IS SHE GONNA SLEEP? WHAT... WHAT'D YOU SAY?

WHERE IS SHE GONNA SLEEP? WHAT... WHAT'D YOU SAY? CAROL... WHERE'S SHE GONNA

WHAT... WHAT'D YOU SAY? CAROL... WHERE'S SHE GONNA SLEEP WHEN YOU'RE AT YOUR

CAROL... WHERE'S SHE GONNA SLEEP WHEN YOU'RE AT YOUR PARENTS' HOUSE?

SLEEP WHEN YOU'RE AT YOUR PARENTS' HOUSE? OH, I... I DON'T KNOW.

PARENTS' HOUSE? OH, I... I DON'T KNOW. THE GUEST ROOM, PROBABLY.

OH, I... I DON'T KNOW. THE GUEST ROOM, PROBABLY. GUEST ROOM?

THE GUEST ROOM, PROBABLY. GUEST ROOM? I WOULDN'T STAND FOR THAT.

GUEST ROOM? I WOULDN'T STAND FOR THAT. WELL, WHAT CAN I DO?

I WOULDN'T STAND FOR THAT. WELL, WHAT CAN I DO? WELL, YOU COULD SAY, "LOOK,

WELL, WHAT CAN I DO? WELL, YOU COULD SAY, "LOOK, CAROL AND I ARE TWO MATURE

WELL, YOU COULD SAY, "LOOK, CAROL AND I ARE TWO MATURE ADULTS, AND WE FEEL"...

CAROL AND I ARE TWO MATURE ADULTS, AND WE FEEL"... NICE SHOT.

ADULTS, AND WE FEEL"... NICE SHOT. "VERY STRONGLY ABOUT EACH OTHER,

NICE SHOT. "VERY STRONGLY ABOUT EACH OTHER, AND WE JUST WANT TO BE ALONE

"VERY STRONGLY ABOUT EACH OTHER, AND WE JUST WANT TO BE ALONE TOGETHER, THAT'S ALL."

AND WE JUST WANT TO BE ALONE TOGETHER, THAT'S ALL." I COULDN'T SAY THAT TO MY

TOGETHER, THAT'S ALL." I COULDN'T SAY THAT TO MY PARENTS.

I COULDN'T SAY THAT TO MY PARENTS. YOU DON'T KNOW THEM.

PARENTS. YOU DON'T KNOW THEM. WELL, YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO

YOU DON'T KNOW THEM. WELL, YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO MAKE A STAND SOMETIME.

WELL, YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO MAKE A STAND SOMETIME. WELL, UH... SOUNDS LIKE YOU'VE

MAKE A STAND SOMETIME. WELL, UH... SOUNDS LIKE YOU'VE BEEN THROUGH THIS YOURSELF.

WELL, UH... SOUNDS LIKE YOU'VE BEEN THROUGH THIS YOURSELF. SURE.

BEEN THROUGH THIS YOURSELF. SURE. JUST ABOUT EVERY GUY HAS.

SURE. JUST ABOUT EVERY GUY HAS. WELL, HOW'D IT GO?

JUST ABOUT EVERY GUY HAS. WELL, HOW'D IT GO? I MEAN, WEREN'T YOU SCARED?

WELL, HOW'D IT GO? I MEAN, WEREN'T YOU SCARED? NO. YOU JUST HAVE TO MAKE A

I MEAN, WEREN'T YOU SCARED? NO. YOU JUST HAVE TO MAKE A STAND, THAT'S ALL.

NO. YOU JUST HAVE TO MAKE A STAND, THAT'S ALL. IT'S NOT EASY.

STAND, THAT'S ALL. IT'S NOT EASY. YEAH, WELL, UH, I DON'T KNOW.

IT'S NOT EASY. YEAH, WELL, UH, I DON'T KNOW. I-I COULDN'T SAY IT TO MY

YEAH, WELL, UH, I DON'T KNOW. I-I COULDN'T SAY IT TO MY PARENTS.

I-I COULDN'T SAY IT TO MY PARENTS. WHEN DID YOU DO THIS?

PARENTS. WHEN DID YOU DO THIS? LAST THANKSGIVING, WHEN CAROL

WHEN DID YOU DO THIS? LAST THANKSGIVING, WHEN CAROL SLEPT OVER AT MY HOUSE.

LAST THANKSGIVING, WHEN CAROL SLEPT OVER AT MY HOUSE. SAY THAT AGAIN.

SLEPT OVER AT MY HOUSE. SAY THAT AGAIN. NEVER MIND, BOZO.

SAY THAT AGAIN. NEVER MIND, BOZO. I JUST SWEPT THE SERIES.

NEVER MIND, BOZO. I JUST SWEPT THE SERIES. [APPLAUSE]

I JUST SWEPT THE SERIES. [APPLAUSE] [INTRODUCTION TO "I CAN STAND

[APPLAUSE] [INTRODUCTION TO "I CAN STAND A LITTLE RAIN" PLAYS]

♪ I CAN STAND A LITTLE RAIN ♪ ♪ I CAN STAND A LITTLE RAIN ♪ ♪ I CAN STAND A LITTLE RAIN ♪

♪ I CAN STAND A LITTLE RAIN ♪ ♪ I CAN STAND A LITTLE RAIN ♪ ♪ I CAN STAND A LITTLE RAIN ♪

♪ I CAN STAND A LITTLE RAIN ♪ ♪ I CAN STAND A LITTLE RAIN ♪ ♪ BUT WHEN THE RAIN COMES UP

♪ I CAN STAND A LITTLE RAIN ♪ ♪ BUT WHEN THE RAIN COMES UP THROUGH THE FLOORBOARDS ♪

♪ BUT WHEN THE RAIN COMES UP THROUGH THE FLOORBOARDS ♪ ♪ I CAN STAND A LITTLE REST ♪

♪ MM-HMM-HMM-HMM-HMM ♪ ♪ AND I CAN STAND A LITTLE SORROW ♪

♪ AND I CAN STAND A LITTLE SORROW ♪ ♪ I CAN STAND IT UNTIL

SORROW ♪ ♪ I CAN STAND IT UNTIL TOMORROW ♪

♪ I CAN STAND IT UNTIL TOMORROW ♪ ♪ I CAN STAND A LITTLE STRIFE ♪

TOMORROW ♪ ♪ I CAN STAND A LITTLE STRIFE ♪ ♪ OH, IT'S JUST ANOTHER TASTE OF

♪ I CAN STAND A LITTLE STRIFE ♪ ♪ OH, IT'S JUST ANOTHER TASTE OF LIFE ♪

♪ OH, IT'S JUST ANOTHER TASTE OF LIFE ♪ ♪ I CAN STAND A LITTLE LOVE ♪

LIFE ♪ ♪ I CAN STAND A LITTLE LOVE ♪ ♪ I SAID I CAN STAND A LITTLE

♪ I CAN STAND A LITTLE LOVE ♪ ♪ I SAID I CAN STAND A LITTLE LOVE ♪

♪ I SAID I CAN STAND A LITTLE LOVE ♪ ♪ OH, LORDY ♪

LOVE ♪ ♪ OH, LORDY ♪ ♪ AND WHEN I'M ON MY LAST

♪ OH, LORDY ♪ ♪ AND WHEN I'M ON MY LAST GO-ROUND ♪

♪ AND WHEN I'M ON MY LAST GO-ROUND ♪ ♪ I CAN STAND A LITTLE REST ♪

♪ WELL, I MADE IT ♪ ♪ I MADE IT BEFORE, YES ♪ ♪ AND I'M GONNA MAKE IT, YEAH ♪

♪ I MADE IT BEFORE, YES ♪ ♪ AND I'M GONNA MAKE IT, YEAH ♪ ♪ OH, MY LORD, I'M GONNA MAKE IT

♪ AND I'M GONNA MAKE IT, YEAH ♪ ♪ OH, MY LORD, I'M GONNA MAKE IT SOME MORE, YEAH ♪

♪ OH, MY LORD, I'M GONNA MAKE IT SOME MORE, YEAH ♪ ♪ LET ME SPEAK ON IT FOR A

SOME MORE, YEAH ♪ ♪ LET ME SPEAK ON IT FOR A MINUTE, YEAH ♪

♪ LET ME SPEAK ON IT FOR A MINUTE, YEAH ♪ ♪ AND ALL I NEED IS A WEE BIT OF

MINUTE, YEAH ♪ ♪ AND ALL I NEED IS A WEE BIT OF LOVIN' ♪

♪ AND ALL I NEED IS A WEE BIT OF LOVIN' ♪ ♪ AND I'M GONNA KEEP ON

LOVIN' ♪ ♪ AND I'M GONNA KEEP ON A-TRUCKIN' AND A-STEPPIN' AND

♪ AND I'M GONNA KEEP ON A-TRUCKIN' AND A-STEPPIN' AND A-STEPPIN' AND A-STEPPIN' ♪

A-TRUCKIN' AND A-STEPPIN' AND A-STEPPIN' AND A-STEPPIN' ♪ ♪ I'M GONNA MAKE IT SOME MORE,

A-STEPPIN' AND A-STEPPIN' ♪ ♪ I'M GONNA MAKE IT SOME MORE, YEAH ♪

♪ I'M GONNA MAKE IT SOME MORE, YEAH ♪ ♪ WELL, WELL, WELL, WELL, WELL,

YEAH ♪ ♪ WELL, WELL, WELL, WELL, WELL, WELL ♪

♪ WELL, WELL, WELL, WELL, WELL, WELL ♪ ♪ I SAID, HEY, I MADE IT ♪

WELL ♪ ♪ I SAID, HEY, I MADE IT ♪ ♪ I MADE IT BEFORE, YEAH ♪

♪ I SAID, HEY, I MADE IT ♪ ♪ I MADE IT BEFORE, YEAH ♪ ♪ AND I'M GONNA KEEP ON MAKIN'

♪ I MADE IT BEFORE, YEAH ♪ ♪ AND I'M GONNA KEEP ON MAKIN' IT SOME MORE ♪

♪ AND I'M GONNA KEEP ON MAKIN' IT SOME MORE ♪ [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

GOOD NIGHT. OH! OH!

OH! OH! [LAUGHS]

OH! [LAUGHS] [APPLAUSE]

Announcer: THE MUPPETS ARE

FRANK OZ, JERRY NELSON,

FRAN BRILL, ALICE TWEEDY,

RICHARD HUNT, AND JIM HENSON.

THE OTHER SEGMENT CONCEIVED BY

ROB REINER AND CARL GOTTLIEB.

THE HAMLET PIECE CONCEIVED AND

WRITTEN BY WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE.