Original subtitles

Announcer: Tonight, direct from our nation's capitol,

it's the 11th annual Kennedy Center Mark Twain Prize

for American humor, celebrating the legacy

of the great Grge Carlin.

With, Richard Belzer, Lewis Black, Margaret Cho,

Ben E. King, Denis Leary, Bill Maher, Joan Rivers,

Garry Shandling, Jon Stewart, Ben Stiller, and Lily Tomlin.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Bill Maher.

Bill Maher: Thank you very much.

Oh, thank you very much.

Good evening donors, presenters, and other East Coast Elites.

What a great day to be an American again,

we have a president who can speak English.

Oh my God.

There's a subject and a predicate and a point!

We have a point!

Well, what can you say about George Carlin

that hasn't already been argued before the Supreme Court?

We will attempt to do justice tonight to the king of raw truth

in a setting that requires us to work clean,

because you know if George were up here talking right now,

PBS would be cutting to that bald guy who sells the tote bags.

Here is what George Carlin said he wanted by way of a memorial:

He said, quote, It should be extremely informal.

And so here we all are in dark suits at the Kennedy Center.

With lots of people who love golf.

He also said he wanted some great R&B music

and lots of laughs, and we're gonna have that too.

But just think of it, the Mark Twain Prize

at the Kennedy Center, what an honor to be associated

with men like Twain and Kennedy.

Especially for Joan Rivers, who knew them both.

Now, you know, today we think of Mark Twain as an author,

but in his own lifetime he was best known

as a public speaker, like George Carlin.

They both gave speeches about hating all mankind

to large and appreciative audiences.

In fact, you could divide Twain's and Carlin's work

into the same three stages:

The early stage: Some people suck.

The middle stage: Most people suck.

And the late stage: You suck.

And like Twain, George also was an author

who wrote 4 incredibly funny, insightful books,

all of which have been banned from the Wasilla Library.

Oh, I kid, Sarah Palin.

And I wish her luck on her season of Rock of Love.

George Carlin was called America's Class Clown,

because he brought to the stage a gleeful sense

of rebellion against authority.

Class clowns are the kids who entertain us by acting out

and ridiculing and generally blowing the cover

on the whole adult world.

This, of course, was before Ritalin.

Here's the album Class Clown.

It made me so want to be him, and still does.

And this one.

Here is FM & AM.

This is the album that showed me you can be born one thing,

but will yourself to become something else,

something you like better.

This album made a big impression on me as a fifteen year old teenager,

because side one,

and this is the days when albums, side 1 and side 2, this album had so.

Oh.

That's been in there since 1973.

I'm so sorry.

Boy, they had a lot of seeds back then, didn't they?

Thank God they got rid of those.

But that was the old, straight-laced, skinny tie Carlin,

suit, short hair, and side two, FM,

was the new, hippie Carlin, t-shirt, long hair,

the kind of guy the fellow on side one wouldn't

pick up hitchhiking, and much dirtier material.

And that theme, that you could reinvent yourself,

inspired me to believe that I could do things differently,

that I could try something new, like sex with a partner.

You know, even at the end, in his last HBO special,

earlier this year, I remember when I turned off the TV,

aer watching it, I was like: damn, he is still the rabbit.

And I don't know if anybody is ever going to catch him,

not in terms of the currency I value the most, utter honesty.

What a giant.

What a lion.

Thank you, George, for everything, even though

I know you can't hear me!

And thank you.

You sound like a good group.

And, ladies and gentlemen,

I want now to give you something very special,

Jimmy Durante giving you, George Carlin!

Jimmy Durante: Folks, it's great to see new comedians come along

because if there's one thing the world can always use,

you know it's a smile.

And this young fellow is one of the best.

Ladies and gentlemen, George Carlin.

George Carlin: Thank you very much.

I'm sure that you're aware of the fact that teenagers today

are the most powerful group in the country.

First of all, there are more of them then ever before,

and teenagers are so much better organized

then they ever have been before.

Many of them are armed.

They even have their own radio stations, a coast to coast

network of top 40 teenage good-guy swingin'

rompin' stompin' echo chamber stations where all

the disc jockeys sound alike.

It's all the same guy, he's in a jar.

Any time you turn on your transistor, you just might

hear something like the following.

Hi there kids, welcome to the Willy West show here on WINO,

wonderful WINO radio.

�Wonderful WINO.�

Yeah, welcome to the Willy West show here on

a wonderful Wednesday here with your winner spinner

weird Willy West, winging your way with a wonderful

101 wild and wooly wedges of wax and cwazy wecords

to pway on the wadio.

Right here on wonderful WINO.

1750 on your dial, just above the police call scan.

We've got stacks and stacks of wax and wax,

we've got the pick to click, the ones to watch,

the oldies but goodies and ooies and gooies,

we've got the top 700 records here in the land of wonderful WINO.

�Wonderful WINO.�

Here is a bulletin, bulletin, bulletin.

Russia and the United States are at war.

Missiles have been fired by both sides.

Washington and Moscow are in flames.

Details in 25 minutes, kids, on Action Central News.

(singing)

Here's another big one kids in

the wonderful world of WINO.

This one's number one and moving higher every week,

let's give a listen.

Let's make some dedications first,

we'll send it out for Big Al, Red, Louie, Spike, Tutu,

Spanish Anna, Dirty Mary, Nick the Greek, Baby,

Carlos, Junior, PeeWee, Toots, Pablo, Spot, Greasy Creek,

Woozy, Mush, Ralph, and Brucey.

Ralph and Brucey?

Hey kids, it's our pick to make you sick, Jenny!

(singing)

(singing)

Bill Maher: Okay, please welcome another

huge George Carlin fan and a man who has earned legions

of fans of his own, Jon Stewart!

Jon Stewart: Thank you, thank you very much.

It's an absolute honor to be here.

I, like everyone else, discovered Class Clown

when I was around 11 years old.

Until my friends found it, I was the funniest kid.

When I first heard him, he got me with two words:

cheese tits.

Cheese t---!

Who would have thought to put those two words together?

The man was clearly a genius.

And I didn't realize until many years later,

that everything else that I was hearing on that album

had another level of value.

That was the brilliance to me of what George could bring.

He would reel in 10 year olds and 11 year olds with

great phrases like cheese t---, I just walked all over,

cheese t---, cheese t---.

And then later on I discovered on the same album

there was a little bit about Mohammed Ali

that had a whole other level of understanding about our society.

Cheese t--- was just bait.

George Carlin: I used to be this guy,

or maybe this guy used to be me.

I don't know, we were eachother at one time.

It wasn't long ago, I liked him, you know, he was really good,

he was funny, I had a lot of fun with him,

he did some nice things for me, but it was

like there was nothing behind him, you know.

He was kind of just superficial, just the surface,

he was all characters, I wasn't in there.

I found out I wasn't in my own act after a while and

here I've been doing it for 5 years, it was all characters.

It was all other people that I remembered from my life

and composites of people, people like

this lady at Breckinridge a marvelous contestant on a quiz show,

pick a door, oh let me see, Monty, Monty,

oh, what are the doors.

One, two, and three.

Oh wow, what was that again?

One, two, and three.

Okay three, wait, one, no, hold on,

I didn't go yet.

Jon Stewart: Now that if nothing else is proof

of the theory of evolution.

George Carlin's transformation was amazing

and one of the reasons that I'm here today is

I was fortunate enough to be asked to host 40 years in comedy,

a night with George Carlin.

Now the idea was we were gonna take this amazing comedian,

he'd been doing comedy for 40 years

and had two heart attacks, and we were gonna send him

to Aspen, Colorado, the highest point in America,

where there is very little oxygen.

And then we were gonna bring in a heavy smoker

from New York to interview him.

So my job was to interview George and I got the chance

to get to know him a little bit beforehand,

I flew out to California to meet him and to sit down

with him and to talk with him and I think that's where

I learned the lesson about George Carlin

and what he meant to comedy and what he was like as an artist.

I didn't know what to expect.

I went over to his office in Brentwood and I sort of

had this idea that I was gonna watch the master create.

You know, we were gonna go there and he'd be like,

hey man, let's go out to the desert, I'm gonna take some peyote,

I'm gonna get in a yurt, and s--- gonna come to me.

And I walked into his office and it's just a computer.

And desk.

And this incredibly anti-establishment mind

punched in every day and sat and worked.

He cared enough about his comedy and about what

he was doing that every day he punched the clock.

This was a blue collar guy, that was the main message

that I took from him, so when we went out to Aspen,

I was so excited, it was the Wheeler Opera House,

about 4 stories up was where the stage was.

George and I both had our little oxygen tanks,

they gave us both oxygen tanks.

And so when I finally caught up to George on the 4th floor,

he was just pacing back and forth going over this routine

that he had written about advertising.

It was 3 minutes of just advertising phrases,

just one after the other, over and over again.

And he was just going back and forth, just rehearsing it.

Forty years in comedy and he was still choreographing

and presenting it and drafting it,

perfecting it.

And it was the most inspiring thing I think

I had ever seen from a comedian and I was kind of

trying to talk to him right beforehand, and I said,

hey man, no oxygen up here.

I can't believe they built a city.

And he just leaned in and he goes, I'm gonna tell you something.

Rich ass---- can survive anywhere.

Here's a little bit from the interview.

When you were a kid growing up, you wanted to

be Danny K and Bob Hope, so how do you think this thing

is working out so far, looking back?

George Carlin: Well, I knew I wanted to stand up

and, you know, and be silly and have people say,

isn't he cute?

Isn't he cute and clever?

And that's all it was, was a reward, a psychic reward,

you know, when you're a kid and you find out

that you can get the attention of adults

and approval and a little bit of respect,

and you just hunger for it, you just keep going back for it.

And I have, fortunately, genetic, you know,

my little tool kit, my genetic tool kit I was given

included a mother and father who were very funny people,

could do accents and dialects

and tell funny stories about what happened on the bus that morning.

And have a punch line.

So, you don't lick it off the rocks, they say, in Ireland.

But I thank my grandmother's milkman, actually.

You never know where these things come from.

Jon Stewart: It's interesting, you know,

as I watch you now and through all the years

I listened to your albums and things,

your fascination with language is so apparent.

Watching you is almost like watching a musician,

you know, the way you weave words and use language

for emphasis and all that.

Was that always a fascination for you, even as a kid?

George Carlin: Well, to go backwards with the question,

don't forget, what we do is oratory, it's rhetoric.

It's not just comedy, it's a form of rhetoric,

and with rhetoric you look and you listen for rhythms,

you look for ways to sing at the same time you're talking and to go.

And it's just natural.

My mother was very controlling, wanted to control my life

and was heart broken when I began

with the dirty language.

And the awful stuff he says about business,

she was a business, she was an advertising executive secretary,

loved the business world.

Thought it was just the finest thing that had ever happened.

And so when I went in that direction at first, very opposed.

Until one day, we lived on the same street that

I went to school in, I went to school on the same block

I lived on, something like that.

Corpus Christy School and the nuns were great.

It wasn't a typical Catholic school.

It was an experimental progressive school that

didn't have grades, didn't have any sort of corporal punishment.

It was just a very, very wonderful school.

And the nuns, she would see the nuns on the street

and they would say, oh, we saw George on the Tonight Show.

And she, being a bit of an actress, she would say,

oh, it's the awful language, sister, the awful language.

And one of them said to her, oh, no, no, no,

you don't understand.

He's using it for other purposes,

he's not just doing it for that.

It's kind of like part of what he does, don't you understand

it's this and that and so forth?

So she said, oh, well, oh.

And from that day on she was ok with it,

because the church had approved it.

Jon Stewart: I'm so glad I started dying my hair gray.

Making myself look tired, it's really smart of me.

Ladies and gentlemen, here's Mark Twain Prize winner,

the amazing Lily Tomlin.

Lily Tomlin: Thank you all.

Well, thank you all, thank you all a lot.

It's great to be back here at the Kennedy Center.

After three times on this Show, which I have been,

they make you an honorary Kennedy.

I have always felt a kind of a comedy kinship with George Carlin.

And I seem to, I think, flatter myself to think

that we somehow drank from the same comedy fountain.

Or should I say, inhaled?

Or perhaps I shouldn't.

Before I even got started as a comedian,

George already had a big career.

He was doing his best to fit in, with his skinny tie Vegas shtick,

when I got my first job on the Gary Moore Show

doing a bare-foot tap dance.

And amazingly, this was after Carol, much to my shock

they liked me and they cast me on the show as The Girl.

Well, I did not like it one bit, and I mean,

how many times could I say, More coffee, sir?

And after that, three weeks, they gave me the axe.

And thank Heaven.

Along came some new comedy shows called the Smothers Brothers

and Laugh-In and it was just a great time to be in comedy.

The world was absolutely changing and so was George Carlin.

He said goodbye to all those glitzy gigs

and he said hello to a new world where weird and good

meant the same thing.

He played college campuses and coffee houses

and then he was there at the birth of

this new thing called cable.

And the rest is sort of history.

I've always loved the short form of observation

that George called his Braindroppings.

Let me just share a few with you.

I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose.

My fear is that part of hell will break loose.

And that'll be much harder to detect.

You know, when you think about it,

12:15pm is really 11:75am.

And you know what's fun?

Is to go to a German restaurant and insist on using chopsticks.

Dear George, sir, you were a deep thinker

and a very, very funny man.

And you know the expression, it's not what you say,

it's how you say it?

Well, it doesn't matter how good your material is

if you can't sell it.

And George, George's beautiful voice always, always closed the deal.

Watch.

George Carlin: This is called Advertising Lullaby.

Keep in mind, of course, that the whole purpose of advertising

is to lull you to sleep.

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batteries not included, mileage may vary, all sales are final,

allow six weeks for delivery, some items not available,

some assembly required,

some restrictions may apply.

So come on in, come on in, come on in for a free demonstration

and a free consultation with our friendly, professional staff.

Our experienced and knledgeable sales representatives

will help you make a selection

that's just right for you and just right for your budget.

And say, don't forget to pick up your free gift:

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Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome Garry Shandling.

Garry Shandling: Thank you, thank you.

A real pleasure for me to be here tonight.

I would like to address very personally

how George affected my life.

When I was 18 years old, I grew up in Tucson,

Arizona, and there's no comedy in Tucson,

there are no comedy clubs, there are no Jews.

I was the only Jew.

Bill Ayers was at my bar mitzvah.

I don't know what he was doing there, I don't know

how he got in, I had nothing to do with him.

I haven't seen him since.

I'm an electrical engineering major

at the University of Arizona, or as we called it,

the Harvard of Tucson.

And I decided I wanted to take a shot at comedy writing

because I don't like engineering

and I was kinda funny in school.

So I thought, maybe I can put these two together somehow

and so I would sit in class and I wrote three George Carlin routines.

This would've been when I was 18, 18 and a half, 19, somewhere in there.

Didn't know how to meet George.

I saw in a newspaper that he was appearing at a jazz club

in Phoenix which is a two hour drive.

I got to the show an hour early not knowing any better

and luckily I did the right thing

and I walked into the club and I said,

I'm looking for Mr. Carlin.

Is he around?

And they said, well, he's sitting over there by the bar.

I walked up to him with a wad of material and I said,

Mr. Carlin, my name is Garry Shandling

and I go the University of Arizona and I wrote this material

and I was wondering if you'd look at it.

And he said, well, I write my own stuff.

And I said, I assumed.

And he said, but if you'd like me to read it

and tell you what I think, I will.

He said, come back tomorrow night and I'll have read it.

And I thought, well sure, now I've gotta drive

two hours back to Tucson.

So I took the chance, I drove back two hours

and drove back two hours the next night and he sees me

and he says, come on backstage.

And I go into the dressing room backstage in this

kind of dingy club and there is my material on the table,

George sits down and he gives me notes.

He gives me notes for 20 minutes.

I'm a kid, I'm a kid from Tucson, Arizona and George Carlin

sits down and gives me notes.

You understand that that changes your life.

And you cut to about 12 years later and George

is receiving the lifetime achievement award

and I was asked to present that award because the family

knew about the story and it's a really true story.

And so I got on stage like I have tonight

and I told the whole story.

I made it longer.

And I did the whole story and George walked up

and I gave George the award and this is my first moment

with him, you know, that way, and he looked at it

and he turned to the audience and he said,

first of all, I'm sorry for encouraging Garry

to pursue his career.

He's been nothing but a pain in the ass ever since.

And that speaks to the heart of the man

and unfortunately the part that gave up.

So we miss him, we miss him dearly, and I miss him

as you can imagine because of that.

About 5 years later, Saturday Night Live started,

so we want you to look at a tape of George,

because George, a lot of people don't remember,

was the first host of Saturday Night Live when Lorne Michaels

was looking for a host.

Let's take a look.

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, George Carlin!

George Carlin: A live show!

Wow.

Nice to see you, welcome, and thanks for joining us live.

I'm kinda glad that wre on at night so that we're

not competing with all the football and baseball games.

So many, man.

And this is the time of the year when there's both.

Football's kinda nice, they changed it a little bit.

They moved the hash marks in.

Guys found 'em and smoked 'em anyway.

But, you know, football wants to be the national,

the number one sport, national pastime,

and I think it already is.

Football represents something we are.

We are Europe Junior.

When you get right down to it, we're Europe Junior.

We play the Europe Game.

What was the Europe Game?

Let's take their land away from them.

You be the pink in the map, we'll be the blue

and they'll be the green.

Ground acquisition and that's what football is.

Football is a ground acquisition game.

You knock the crap out of 11 guys and take their land away from them.

Of course, we only do it 10 yards at a time,

that's the way we did it with the Indians,

won by little by little.

First down and Ohio, Midwest to go.

I think it's not surprising that football vies,

um, let's look at it this way.

There are things about the words surrounding football

and baseball which give it all away.

Football is technological.

Baseball is pastoral.

Football is playing in a stadium.

Baseball is played in a park.

In football you wear a helmet.

In baseball you wear a cap.

Football is played on an enclosed rectangular grid

and every one of them is the same size.

Baseball is played on an ever widening angle that

reaches to infinity and every park is different.

Football is rigidly timed.

Baseball has no time limit.

We don't know hen it's gonna end.

We might even have extra innings.

In football you get a penalty.

In baseball you make an error.

Whoops.

The object in football is to march downfield

and penetrate enemy territory.

And get into the end zone.

In baseball, the object is to go home.

I'm going home.

And in football they have the clip, the hit, the block,

the tackle, the blitz, the bomb,

the offense and the defense.

In baseball they have the sacrifice.

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Richard Belzer.

Richard Belzer: Mrs. Lincoln.

Mr Lincoln.

You know what George wanted as his epitaph, it was,

Jheez, He was here just a minute ago.

George Carlin is in the rarefied pantheon of the few,

too few, really truly great stand-up comedians.

Along with Mort Sahl, Lenny Bruce, Dick Gregory

and Richard Pryor, George Carlin embodied

the Swiftian, Twainish culturally astute rapier

wit and wisdom that every era needs.

The love of language, the horror, ecstasy

and sublime ridiculousness of human behavior along

with the sensibility to synthesize psychology

and sociology into the unique poetry of joke-telling

is the very recipe for comic greatness.

George Carlin was ahead of his time in many ways.

He was such a visionary that 40 years ago

he did a parody of a show that was yet to be created,

America's Most Wanted.

Here's a clip of George Carlin's The FBI's Most Wanted,

including an ad for The Justice Department.

George Carlin: Hi there, mom.

Have your civil rights been violated today?

Has some corporate monopoly closed down

another small merchant in your neighborhood?

Has organized crime corrupted another public

official in your community?

Well, we'll worry about the small stuff later on.

Right now, let's talk about important things

like the Commi-agitators in our kindergartens.

Don't let your child's Christmas pageant

be taken over by atheist pinkos.

Insist on a Nativity scene.

Remember, for anti-trust or Commi-bust,

the department that's just is a really a must.

Don't leave your family defenseless.

And now, heeeeere's J. Egdar.

Richard Belzer: That was harmless enough, right?

Wrong.

Through the courtesy of the Freedom of Information Act,

and we're not making this up, ladies and J-walkers,

I have in my hand George's FBI file,

in which our lauded Justice department does everything

in its power to protect us from the likes of George Carlin.

A protest letter found its way to the desk

of J. Edgar Hoover and of course, Clyde Tolson.

If you don't know who Clyde Tolson is,

ask your hairdresser.

And in an internal memo, an FBI agent wrote,

and I'll just quote it, you can read along with me:

In his performance, Carlin referred, in his performance,

Carlin had a speech therapist who talked, no, I'm sorry.

In his performance, Carlin referred to the Bureau

and the Director in a satirical vein.

His treatment was considered to be in very poor taste

and it was obvious that he was using the prestige

of the Bureau and Mr. Hoover to enhance his performance.

As an example, he commented on one occasion,

I'm J. Edgar Hoover.

I have just come back from a stakeout with Ramsey Clark,

that is, a cookout in the back yard.

That's pretty radical subversive stuff,

don't you think, ladies and gentlemen?

As you can see, George's love of language

got him in trouble a few times, but who cares.

His books sold in the millions, among them,

as Lily mentioned, Braindroppings, Napalm & Silly Putty,

and I'm sure the Christian Right's favorite book

of all time, When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?

George's great gift was his precision.

Like Mark Twain, who also couldn't be here tonight,

Twain said, The difference between the right word

and the almost right word is the difference between

the lightning bug and the lightning.

Thank you, Kelly.

That's Kelly's favorite quote.

Here's a prime example of George's take on the use

and abuse of our precious English language, observe.

George Carlin: I don't like words that hide the truth,

I don't like words that conceal reality,

I don't like euphemisms or euphemistic language.

And American English is loaded with euphemisms

cause Americans have a lot of trouble dealing with reality.

Americans have trouble facing the truth.

So they invent the kind of a soft language

to protect themselves from it.

And it gets worse with every generation.

For some reason, it just keeps getting worse.

I'll give you an example of that.

There's a condition in combat, most people know about it,

it's when a fighting person's nervous system

has been stressed to its absolute peak and maximum,

can't take any more input.

The nervous system has either snapped or is about to snap.

In the first World War, that condition was called "shell shock".

Simple, honest, direct language.

Two syllables.

Shell shock.

Almost sounds like the gunners themselves.

That was 70 years ago.

Then a whole generation went by

and the second World War came along

and the very same combat condition was called "battle fatigue".

Four syllables now, takes a little longer to say.

Doesn't seem to hurt as much.

Fatigue is a nicer word then shock.

Shell shock.

Battle fatigue.

Then we had the war in Korea in 1950.

Madison Avenue was riding high by that time

and the very same combat condition was called

"operational exhaustion".

Hey, we're up to 8 syllables now.

And the humanity has been squeezed completely out of

the phrase, it's totally sterile now.

Operational exhaustion, sounds like something

that might happen to your car.

Then of course came the war in Vietnam which has

only been over for about 16 or 17 years.

And thanks to the lies and deceit surrounding that war,

I guess it's no surprise that the very same condition

was called "post-traumatic stress disorder".

Still 8 syllables, but we've added a hyphen.

And the pain is completely buried under jargon.

Post-traumatic stress disorder.

I'll betcha if we'd still been calling it shell shock,

some of those Vietnam veterans might have gotten

the attention they needed at the time.

I'll betcha that.

I'll betcha that.

Richard Belzer: Few people are always funny.

But certainly one of the chosen people is our next presenter,

the fabulous Joan Rivers, ladies and gentlemen.

Joan Rivers: First of all, I am so thrilled to be here

becausI'm the only one that didn't know George.

I don't know why, who the f--- was he?

I don't know who he was.

I don't know his work, I'll find out.

Actually, of course I knew George, I should read the,

I can't read the teleprompter.

Can I borrow somebody's, do you have glasses?

That's very kind, thank you.

Age, hmm.

Walmart, hmm.

Do I look like a Jewish elephant show?

Okay.

Anyhow, I knew George very, very well and I was thrilled

when they asked me to come here today and speak about him.

We met in the 1960s in Greenwich village

and we always used to say, let's pinpoint the date,

and we couldn't because he was high on acid and I was just totally wasted.

But we met and we used to play these terrible clubs,

and those are the kinds of clubs, literally,

where you didn't get paid, you passed the hat.

And some nights the hat would come back with

a severed head and some nights it wouldn't come back.

And all we wanted in those days, everybody wanted

to be on the Tonight Show.

The Tonight Show made you a star.

There were three major networks and that was it.

Nowadays, there are a thousand networks now,

I mean, tonight I was just flipping around, I mean

you see things like Amish wife swapping, stuff on the stupid,

all the CSI, CSI Bayonne.

All we all wanted in those days was to be on the Carson show

and I was around the first time George was on the Carson show.

And the trick was, if Carson liked you, when you

did your standup, he would then take you over

and sit you down on the couch.

If he took you over and stood you up, you know you were crap.

But if he sat you down, and George was asked

to sit down the first time, which is a big thing,

and he sat down on that show over a hundred times after that

and that was an amazing, amazing, amazing, amazing.

You know, we've all been watching clips of George

and everyone knows how brilliant he is onstage,

but do any of you realize what a 6 minute shot on television,

what you have to do?

He honed every single word, he worked on jokes

for years and years and years til he made them perfect

and then he took them and he worked on them some more.

And then he would go on a couch and sit there

and make it look like he just thought of it.

I mean, that is so important.

Now, at the start of this thing, and I thank you

for your glasses by the way, at the start of this thing,

I said they asked me to say a couple of

words about George and I kept thinking, that's so unfair.

You can't sum George Carlin up in two words,

give me at least seven.

And please watch with me.

Watch George's first appearance that I was

privileged to be a friend of his and know him then,

first appearance on the Tonight Show when he did

the Hippy Dippy Weatherman which is so amazing.

And just watch.

He never missed.

Do you understand?

He never missed!

Incredible.

I thank you all so much, I'm thrilled to be here,

and I thank you for these, come and get 'em.

George Carlin.

George Carlin: Now for the latest in weather,

here's Al Sleet, your Hippy Dippy Weatherman.

Hey everybody, what's happening?

Que pasa?

Al Sleet here and I imagine some of you were

a little surprised at the weather over the weekend,

especially if you watched my show Friday night, man.

I'd like to apologize for the weather, especially

to the former residents of Rogers, Oklahoma.

Caught them napping.

First of all, the pollen count from Long Island Jewish Hospital,

one two three four five.

Now if you'll take a look at our weather map.

These cats have moved over here.

You'll see that we got a warm front which extends

from Natchez to Mobile.

�From Memphis to St. Joe.

I've been to the big town.

And I've seen me some bad things.�

Let's take a quick look at the radar.

I see the radar tonight is picking up a lot of

thundershowers which extends from a point

9 miles south southeast of Pennsylvania along a line

6 miles either side of the line to a point 8 miles

north northeast of Secaucus, New Jersey.

However, the radar is also picking up a squadron

of Russian ICBMs, so I wouldn't sweat the thundershowers.

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Denis Leary.

Denis ary: Good evening, how are you?

First time I met George, I was working in

a comedy club as a door guy.

That's how poor I was, okay, I wasn't even working the stage.

And I'm working the door one night and in walks

George Carlin, but nobody knows that but me

and the bartender because everybody's facing the stage

and, of course, the comedian on stage has

the spotlight in his eyes.

It's George Carlin.

This is in the days, by the way, when you could smoke,

so I'm smoking.

He sits over there and I'm kind of sneaking looks at him

and he calls me over.

And I walk over and he goes, can I bum a cigarette?

I go, sure.

Give him the cigarette, he lights up.

And I walk away.

George Carlin's smoking one of my cigarettes.

A few minutes later, he goes, hey.

I walk over.

He says, you got another cigarette?

I go, yeah.

Give him another one.

Light it up, walk away.

This happens about 6 more times.

In between me and George is a cigarette machine.

By the time we got to the 8th cigarette, I said,

hey George, you know, there's a cigarette machine right there.

He goes yeah, you might wanna buy a pack,

we're gonna need 'em.

Anyways, back in 1972, I was an alter boy

at St. Peter's parish in Wooster, Massachusetts

and I was pretty much good at two things.

Pissing off nuns and pissing off priests.

I had no idea what I was gonna do for a living.

But thank God the Catholic Church, once a month

in the bulletin would put a list of

the banned books and records.

And the recommended books and records.

Which, by the way, for us in those days was like

a What's Hot and What's Not list.

So one Sunday, the paperback version of the Godfather

was listed under the books that were not

to be read by Catholics and Class Clown, which was one

of the things I was vying to be in my school at the time,

and they specifically said the seven words

you can't say on televisi.

There were 4 alter boys.

We pooled our money, left the church after mass,

and went to the record store and bought the record,

went to this kid's house whose parents were away

and listened right away to the seven words

you can't say on television.

It was at that moment that I became an ex-Catholic,

ladies and gentlemen.

That was when I realized you could make money for

saying stuff my dad used to say when the car wouldn't start.

And you know, we are still battling that issue

in the Supreme Court almost 40 years later.

The controversy is still alive, the seven dirty words

are still being heard before the Supreme Court as we speak.

For instance, take the F-word.

You can't use it in reference to a sexual act,

but if you use it as what the law calls a passing expletive,

you can conceivably get away with it.

Sister Rosemary Sullivan at St. Peter's High would

have been so proud of me for explaining that

particular distinction this evening.

But no one can explain it better than the master himself,

Pope George the First, ladies and gentlemen.

George Carlin: What are these words that I'm talking about?

They're just words that we've decided,

sort of decided not to use all the time.

That's about the only thing you can really say

about them for sure.

That they're just some words, not many either,

just a few, that we've decided, well,

we won't use 'em all the time.

Sometimes, well, hell yeah.

Sometimes it's okay, but not all the time.

And they're the only words that seem to have that restriction.

I mean, there are a lot of words you can say

whenever you want, you know.

Pneumonia!

Nobody gives you a lot of.

Alright, you can't yell it in a hospital a great deal,

but what the hell.

There are words that you can say, no problem.

Topography!

No one has ever gone to jail for screaming topography.

But there are some words that you can go to jail for.

There are just some words that we just have decided

we will not say all the time.

Sometimes, okay.

If you're running through the jungle chasing somebody

that we're at war with, you can holler 'em.

If you're shooting a criminal, it's okay,

it's the all-American thing.

Dirty f--- crook!

But if you're with the bishop's wife at lunch,

it's better not to ask for the ---damn lettuce.

You know what I mean.

It's just like we've decided there'll be some words

we won't say all the time but I was just trying

to find out which words they were.

For sure.

All of them.

I wanted a list.

Cause nobody gives you a list.

That's the problem, they don't give you a list.

Wouldn't you think it'd be normal, if they didn't want you

to say something, they'd tell you what it is?

Nobody even tells, you when you're a kid,

what the words are that you're supposed to avoid.

You have to say them to find out which ones they are.

Yeah, you never know what's gonna be on the list.

Cause it's always somebody else's list.

You didn't make that up.

Somebody told you that s---.

They told you, better not say that.

And you don't know what's gonna be on their list.

People's lists even change from day to day.

Some people on Friday night, got a list, you know,

about two or three words.

Sunday morning, f--- them, there's like 27 words on there.

These are the same people, two days later, different list.

So you gotta kinda watch out what you're gonna believe from them.

The trouble is, I was trying to find out what

these words might be and I wanted to know the ones

that you could never say on television, I mean,

the filthy words that are always filthy.

There are a lot of these little two way double entendre

words that have two meanings.

Words that, okay, part of the time, I call them

like part time filth, some of these words,

they're only 50% dirty.

You have words like ass.

Ass is hardly even a dirty word anymore.

But it has a few meanings that you can't say on television.

That's what I was talking about.

What can you say on television?

That's another one of those places where we

can't use these words all the time.

But some of them are alright some of the time.

Ass is alright on television.

You can say on television things like, well,

you've made a perfect ass of yourself tonight,

but you can't say, hey, let's go get some a--.

Bitch.

Bitch is another word like that, same kind of word.

It's only dirty part of the time, it depends

on what you mean by bitch.

You might be the lady from the San Diego Zoo visiting

one of the Tonight Shows and you might just have

a bunch of little canines and one is a female

and you say there's the bitch.

Drop it and it's okay, fine.

Just don't refer to the singer the same way, that's all.

Is that bitch gonna do another number?

Yes.

Animals are fine.

On those two way words.

That's what I was trying to find, the words that

were always dirty, not just part of the time.

But completely filth.

Well, in looking for these words, I kept finding new categories.

We have so many ways of describing these dirty words.

Well, we have more ways to describe dirty words then

we actually have dirty words.

That seems a little strange to me.

It seems to indicate that somebody was awfully

interested in these words.

They kept referring to them.

They called them bad words.

Dirty.

Filthy.

Foul.

Vile.

Vulgar.

Coarse.

In poor taste.

Unseemly.

Street talk, gutter talk, locker room language,

barracks talk.

Bawdy, naughty, saucy, raunchy.

Rude, crude, lewd, lascivious, indecent,

profane, obscene, blue, off-color.

Risqu�.

Suggestive.

Cursing, cussing, swearing.

And all I could think of were s---, p---, f---, c---, c-----, mother f----, and t---.

Stephen Colbert: Evidently, George Carlin is the man who

banned the seven words you can't say on television.

A brave move which brings us to tonight's word.

The 1970s were a disgusting time.

Everyone's hair was long and greasy.

People streaked naked on their way to the next wife swapping

and an innocent president was publicly vilified

simply for violating the Constitution.

But evidently, the 70s were cleaned up by a nice

young man named George Carlin.

Before Mr. Carlin famously banned those words,

TV was a cesspool of foul language.

Of course, we all remember when Walter Cronkite said

the OPEC oil embargo was, quote, "something that sucked a--."

But thanks to George Carlin, a fearless warrior

in the fight for censorship, there are

seven words you will never hear on TV.

Instead, if, if TV must deal with unpleasant subjects,

they have to use nice substitutes for each word.

Like poop.

Tinkle.

Intercourse.

Cho-cho.

Oral enthusiast.

Father.

And, let's say dodgeballs.

Thank you George Carlin.

Thank you.

Few people have done more to repress

what other people can say.

And most of the other ones are Vladimir Putin.

So, folks, let us all continue his work.

There are so many other words that I don't want to hear anymore,

like antiauthoritarian.

Questioning.

Rule breaking.

And Chipotle.

It's just spicy mayonnaise.

So here's to the heroic, repressive spirit of George Carlin.

And that's-

Jimmy: Stephen?

Stephen: What is it, Jimmy?

I'm doing The Word.

Jimmy: George Carlin was a comedian.

He didn't ban those words.

He used them to point out the ridiculousness

of banning words in the first place.

Stephen: Seriously?

Jimmy: Yes.

Stephen: You mother----.

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Lewis Black.

Lewis Black: I hadn't seen that clip previously

and that they bleeped it is really, I mean, seriously.

To bleep it here, to bleep it over TV I kinda get.

But here?

In front of a room filled with adults?

I was gonna try not to be irritated tonight.

I'm gonna always be indebted to George Carlin.

Just for the laughs alone.

And as I grew up, he's the person who made it easier

for me to deal with the insanity around me.

I always felt that inherent in every laugh

George shared was he was saying,

Hey you're not crazy, they are.

As a comic, he was a role model.

His work gave me a direction and something to aspire to.

There are many who entertain, but there are

few who entertain by challenging us.

He served as a reminder that I could say whatever

I wanted on stage, as long as it was funny.

And I could use bad words because there weren't any bad words.

He encouraged me.

While I was wondering if I was ever going to make it

as a comic and what "making it" actually meant.

He called me at my home and left a message that began:

Hi, this is George Carlin.

First let me say,

there is nothing I can do for your career.

As far as I was concerned, the fact that George Carlin,

whom I never met called me at home, made my career.

I played his message for my mother over and over and over.

And that shut her up.

George's mastery of the English language was stunning.

There are few, let alone comics, who use the language

with such exquisite precision as he did.

He raised the level of our craft.

And by being so meticulous, he makes us laugh

while raising our consciousness.

He was funny.

God, I want to say that word, that f word

that goes so well with funny.

But I can't say that really bad word.

Certainly not on a show honoring George Carlin.

No way.

Because if I said that word, the tenuous fabric

that holds our society together would be ripped asunder.

Oh no, he said that horrible word.

I can't take it!

Millions would commit suicide, bashing their heads

through their TV screens.

Young boys and girls would be forever rendered mute.

Drenched in the shame of it all,

the sun would never rise again.

Aw, f--- it, George.

Without your presence among us,

the world is a less funny place.

Which really sucks.

George cast a cold hard eye on the world around him

and drew humor out of subjects that few attempt

to make light of.

Like Death for instance.

Take it away Mr. Carlin.

Smothers Brothers: Some of the people I really admire

and are not seen enough, I think, on television

are Lily Tomlin, Richie Pryor, David Steinberg.

Well this next one, George Carlin, I like to see a lot

because he's really creative and really unique

and toggles your brain.

He's number 4 on my list and moving up.

Please welcome to the stage, Mr. George Carlin.

George Carlin: Thank you.

Do you ever look at the crowds in old movies

and wonder if they're dead yet?

I do that.

I think about death.

I dare to think about death.

I think a comedian has to think about death.

Nobody wants to come out here and die.

Of course, if you don't die, if you do well,

if you make 'em laugh, then you can say, 'you killed 'em!'

So it's one or the other, either I die or I kill you.

I didn't die, I killed them.

So I'm involved in death and I think we should think about it.

Death is inevitable for one thing.

It's one of the fairest things we have,

everybody gets it once.

And I think when you die, you should die big.

I don't think you should just pass away.

Such a negative thing.

Die big, die in style,

take advantage of the moment of death to teach and entertain.

Like I say, go out in style, now the only reason

I imply that you have a choice about how to go out

is a very little known and misunderstood portion of death

called the two minute warning.

Everyone receives an audible signal two minutes

before they die, right in the ear, 'Two minutes,

death coming, make plans.'

And the reason we never hear about it

is cause the only people that get it die two minutes later.

They don't have time to explain it to you.

And actually, you wouldn't believe it,

no one believes it.

I mean, would you believe a guy on the bus who says,

'Hey, I just got my two minute warning.'

I'd think it was some football coach out on the town.

By the way, there's one exception to the two minute warning.

We people in theater, those in show business,

we do get five minutes.

Five minutes, Mr. Carlin.

And I say you can use the time to really go out in style.

Let's say, let's say a speech.

How about a speech, you get your two minute warning.

Use the two minutes, deliver a one minute

and fifty second speech on the subject of your choice.

Just wail, something you really enjoy,

something you're into and espouse it fervently and really build up

to a great crescendo and then say, if this

is not the truth, may God strike me dead.

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome Margaret Cho.

Margaret Cho: When I first saw George do A Place For My Stuff,

it changed my life.

I was just a kid, and it impressed me so much,

it made me want to be a comedian.

And it made me realize that I could do it.

I am not sure what it was, but I think there was like

this mathematical precision to it,

and that's what I connected with, the math part!

So here is the master himself, from Comic Relief 1986.

Take it away, George.

George Carlin: Listen, I woulda been out here

a little bit sooner but they gave me the wrong dressing room

and I couldn't find any place to put my stuff.

And I don't know how you are, but I need a place to put my stuff.

So that's what I've been doing back there,

just trying to find a place for my stuff.

You know how important that is.

That's the whole, that's the whole meaning of life, isn't it?

Trying to find a place for your stuff.

That's all your house is.

Your house is just a place for your stuff.

If you didn't have to much damn stuff,

you wouldn't need a house.

You'd be just walking around all the time.

That's all your house is, it's a pile of stuff with a cover on it.

You see that when you take off in an airplane,

you look down and you see everybody's got a little

pile of stuff, everybody's got their own pile of stuff.

And when you leave your stuff, you gotta lock it up.

Wouldn't want somebody to come by and take some of your stuff.

They always take the good stuff.

They don't bother with that crap you're saving.

Ain't nobody interested in your fourth grade arithmetic papers.

They're looking for the good stuff.

That's all your house is, it's a place to keep your stuff

while you go out and get more stuff.

Now sometimes, sometimes you've gotta move,

you've gotta get a bigger house.

Why?

Too much stuff.

You've gotta move all your stuff.

And maybe put some of your stuff in storage.

Now imagine that, there's a whole industry based on

keeping an eye on your stuff.

Enough about your stuff, let's talk about other people's stuff.

Did you ever notice when you go to somebody else's house,

you never quite feel 100% at home?

You know why?

No room for your stuff.

Somebody else's stuff is all over the place.

And what awful stuff it is.

Where did they get this stuff?

And if you have to stay overnight at someone's house,

yoknow, unexpectedly and they give you a little room to sleep in

Someone died in it 11 years ago.

And they haven't moved any of his stuff.

Or wherever they give you to sleep, usually right

near theed there's a dresser and there's never

any room on the dresser for your stuff.

Someone else's s--- is on the dresser.

Have you noticed that their stuff is s---

and your s--- is stuff?

Get that off of there.

Now sometimes you go on vacation, you gotta bring

some of your stuff with you.

You can't bring all your stuff.

Just the stuff you really like.

The stuff that fits you well that month.

Let's say you're gonna go to Honolulu, you're gonna

go all the way to Honolulu, you gotta take

two big bags of stuff, plus your carry on stuff,

plus the stuff in your pockets.

You get all the way to Honolulu and you get to

your hotel room and you start to put away your stuff.

That's the first thing you do in a hotel room,

is put away your stuff.

And I'll put some stuff in here, put some stuff down there,

here's another place, some stuff here,

I'll put me stuff over there.

You put your stuff over there, I'll put my stuff over here.

Here's another place for the stuff.

Hey, we've got more places then we've got stuff,

we're gonna have to buy more stuff.

Margaret Cho: Although I've known that routine

for 25 years, I never thought there was

a real place where George actually kept real stuff.

But there is.

There is a sacred comedy ground,

a 10 by 20 storage unit in West LA.

And this cut out of pre-hippie George is from there.

And all these signs, all relating to show biz,

things that he boosted whenever he was on the road.

And that's just the tip of the iceberg.

There's family photos, lots of pictures

from New York when he was a kid.

All of the scripts from his specials bound in leather,

notes from his routines, notebooks of observations.

Thousands of books and records.

This guy never threw anything out!

He had a huge music collection.

How about this?

Ed Sanders Beer Cans On The Moon?

And this, The Communists are Coming To Kill Us

by John Trubee and the Ugly Janitors of America.

And this demure damsel is Brooklyn stripper

Tammy Temptation & her Terrific Terrier.

Now, if you're a book lover, and certainly

George was Mr. Language, who wouldn't want to be

without the timeless Skin Flutes and Velvet Gloves.

Hey the skin flute.

I play that!

Actually, I was a child prodigy.

And we have a real Irish Shillelagh, which is like

numchucks for white people.

And then this which is my favorite.

I don't know if you can see it.

I thought it said Gone Fisting.

So that's a little bit of George's real life stuff,

and for me it is really like seeing comedy come alive.

Thanks George for all your stuff.

George Carlin: 1954, Marvin and Johnny had this,

it was the other side of Tick Tock.

Tick Tock was the chart tune and this was

the one we danced to, Cherry Pie.

And I'm gonna just do it for you.

You know what I mean?

�Cherry, Cherry pie

Cherry, Cherry pie

Cherry, Cherry pie

Ooh, so good

Oh baby

Baby, sugar plum

Sugar, sugar plum

Sugar, sugar plum

Sweet as they come

I'm little Jack Horner just sitting in that corner

Oh he s eating his cherry, cherry, cherry, cherry pie

Only I didn't put in a thumb

and then pull out a plum

So I guess I'm not as great as he,

well, well, well, well, well

Give me, give me some

Give me, give me some

Give me, give me some

Cherry cherry pie

Oh baby

Cherry cherry pie

Oh baby

Cherry cherry pie

Oh baby

Cherry cherry pie�

Announcer: Once again, the Creator, and star of Religulous,

Bill Maher.

Bill Maher: Thank you.

I get it, that's very funny.

You know, a long time ago, I used to do a joke in my act

and the joke was, suicide is our way of

saying to God, You can't fire me, I quit!

Pretty good, but George Carlin inspired me to do

a more honest kind of joke about religion, one that

didn't even pretend that there were personal gods

with suspiciously human characteristics.

Jokes that didn't apologize for being rational.

Jokes that said, I'm not the crazy one, the crazy people

are the ones who think Jesus gave pony rides on dinosaurs,

they're the crazy ones.

George died at a hospital named after a saint, Saint John's,

in a town named after a saint, Santa Monica.

I think he would have thought that was pretty funny.

George Carlin: The Ten Commandments.

Here is my problem.

Why are there 10?

I'm gonna show you how you can reduce the number of commandments

and come up with a list that's

a little more workable and logical.

I'm gonna start with the first three and I'll use

the Roman Catholic version because those are the ones

I was taught as a little boy:

I AM THE LORD THY GOD,

THOU SHALT NOT HAVE STRANGE GODS BEFORE ME.

THOU SHALT NOT TAKE THE NAME OF THE LORD THY GOD IN VAIN.

THOU SHALT KEEP HOLY THE SABBATH.

Right off the bat, the first three, pure bulls---.

Sabbath, Sabbath day?

Lord's name?

Strange gods?

Spooky language.

Spooky language!

Designed to scare and control primitive people.

In no way does superstitious nonsense like this apply

to the lives of intelligent civilized humans in the 21st century.

You throw out the first three commandments,

you're down to 7.

Next: HONOR THY FATHER AND MOTHER.

Obedience, respect for authority.

Just another name for controlling people.

The truth is, obedience and respect should not be automatic.

They should be earned.

They should be based on the parent's performance.

Parent's performance.

Alright?

Some parents deserve respect, most of them don't, period.

You're down to six.

Now in the interest of logic, something religion

is very uncomfortable with, we're going to

jump around the list a little bit.

THOU SHALT NOT STEAL.

THOU SHALT NOT BEAR FALSE WITNESS.

Stealing and lying.

Well actually, these two both prohibit the same

kind of behavior, dishonesty.

Stealing and lying.

So you don't need two of them.

Instead, you combine them and you call it

"thou shalt not be dishonest".

And suddenly you're down to 5.

And as long as we're combining,

I have two others that belong together:

THOU SHALT NOT COMMITDULTRY.

THOU SHALT NOT COVET THY NEIGHBOR'S WIFE.

Once again, these two prohibit the same kind of behavior.

In this case, marital infidelity.

The difference is, coveting takes place in the mind.

And I don't think you should outlaw fantasizing

about someone else's wife, otheise what's a guy

gonna think about when he's waxing his carrot?

But, marital fidelity is a good idea so we're gonna

keep the idea and call this one "thou shalt not be unfaithful".

And suddenly we're down to four.

But when you think about it, honesty and fidelity

are really part of the same overall value so,

in truth, you could combine the two honesty commandments

with the two delity commandments

and give them simpler language, positive language

instead of negative and call the whole thing

"thou shalt always be honest and faithful"

and we're down to 3.

Thou shalt, thou shalt.

They're going away, they're going away fast.

THOU SHALT NOT COVET THY NEIGHBOR'S GOODS.

This one is just plain f---- stupid.

Coveting your neighbor's goods is what keeps the economy going!

Alright?

Coveting creates jobs, leave it alone.

You throw out coveting and you're down to 2 now,

the big honesty and fidelity commandment and the one

we haven't talked about yet:

THOU SHALT NOT KILL.

Murder.

The fifth commandment.

But when you think about it, when you think about it,

religion has never really had a big problem with murder.

Not really.

More people have been killed in the name of god

than for any other reason.

All you have to do.

Uh huh.

All you have to do is look at Northern Ireland,

the Middle East, Cashmire, the Inquisition, the Crusades,

and the World Trade Center to see how seriously

the religious folks take thou shalt not kill.

The more devout they are, the more they see murder

as being negotiable.

It's negotiable, you know?

It depends, it depends.

It depends on who's doin the killin' and who's gettin' killed.

So, with all of this in mind, I leave you

with my revised list of the two commandments:

Thou shalt always be honest and faithful

to the provider of thy nookie.

And thou shalt try real hard not to kill anyone,

unless of course, they pray to a different invisible man

from the one you pray to.

Two is all you need;

Moses could have carried them down the hill

in his f---- pocket.

And if they had a list like that, I wouldn't mind

those folks in Alabama putting it up on the courthouse wall,

as long as they included one additional commandment:

Thou shalt keep thy religion to thyself.

Thank you, thank you.

Thank you everybody.

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome

the Chairman of the Board of Trustees

of the John F. Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts,

Stephen Schwarzman.

Stephen Schwarzman: When George heard he was getting the Twain,

he began to work on his acceptance speech.

His daughter Kelly found some of his notes.

Okay, I am reading from George's notes here.

It says: Twain Event, underlined and then, quote

Henry David Thoreau once said, Beware of all

enterprises that require new clothes.

And now, this is George talking, I must admit

this is the first time I have worn this suit.

I was saving it for any possible court appearances.'

If it's true when they say Bob Dylan is the voice

of a generation, George is truly its comic conscience.

In his own way, like Twain, underneath it all

he is a moralist, as stern as the nuns in his catechism class.

Ladies and gentlemen the winner of the Kennedy Center

Mark Twain Prize for American Humor,

the immortal George Carlin.

George Caain: Wow.

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

I'm a modern man, a man for the millennium.

Digital and smoke free.

A diversified multi-cultural,

post-modern deconstruction that is politically,

anatomically and ecologically incorrect.

I've been up linked and downloaded,

I've been inputted and outsourced, I know the upside of downsizing,

I know the downside of upgrading.

I'm a high-tech low-life.

A cutting edge, state-of-the-art bi-coastal multi-tasker

and I can give you a gigabyte in a nanosecond!

I'm new wave, but I'm old school

and my inner child is outward bound.

I'm a hot-wired, heat seeking, warm-hearted cool customer,

voice activated and bio-degradable.

I interface with my database, my database is in cyberspace,

so I'm interactive, I'm hyperactive

and from time to time I'm radioactive.

Behind the eight ball, ahead of the curve,

ridin' the wave, dodgin' the bullet and pushin' the envelope.

I'm on-point, on-task, on-message and off drugs.

I've got no need for coke and speed.

I've got no urge to binge and purge.

I'm in-the-moment, on-the-edge, over-the-top

but under-the-radar.

A high-concept, low-profile,

medium-range ballistic missionary.

A street-wise smart bomb.

A top-gun bottom feeder.

I wear power ties, I tell power lies, I take power naps

and run victory laps.

I'm a totally ongoing big-foot, slam-dunk,

rainmaker with a pro-active outreach.

A raging workaholic.

A working rageaholic.

Out of rehab and in denial!

I've got a personal trainer, a personal shopper,

a personal assistant and a personal agenda.

You can't shut me up.

You can't dumb me down because I'm tireless and I'm wireless,

I'm an alpha male on beta-blockers.

I'm a non-believer and an over-achiever,

laid-back but fashion-forward.

Up-front, down-home, low-rent, high-maintenance.

Super-sized, long-lasting, high-definition,

fast-acting, oven-ready and built-to-last!

I'm a hands-on, foot-loose, knee-jerk head case,

prematurely post-traumatic

and I've got a love-child that sends me hate mail.

But I'm feeling, I'm caring, I'm healing, I'm sharing.

A supportive, bonding, nurturing primary care-giver.

My output is down, but my income is up.

I took a short position on the long bond

and my revenue stream has its own cash-flow.

I read junk mail, I eat junk food, I buy junk bonds

and I watch trash sports!

I'm gender specific, capital intensive,

user-friendly and lactose intolerant.

I like rough sex.

I like rough sex.

I like tough love.

I use the "F" word in my emails and the software

on my hard-drive is hardcore, no soft porn.

I bought a microwave at a mini-mall;

I bought a mini-van at a mega-store.

I eat fast-food in the slow lane.

I'm toll-free, bite-sized, ready-to-wear

and I come in all sizes.

A fully-equipped, factory-authorized,

hospital-tested, clinically-proven,

scientifically-formulated medical miracle.

I've been pre-wash, pre-cooked, pre-heated,

pre-screened, pre-approved,

pre-packaged, post-dated, freeze-dried,

double-wrapped, vacuum-packed and,

I have an unlimited broadband capacity.

I'm a rude dude, but I'm the real deal.

Lean and mean!

Cocked, locked and ready-to-rock.

Rough, tough and hard to bluff.

I take it slow, I go with the flow, I ride with the tide.

I've got glide in my stride.

Drivin' and movin', sailin' and spinin',

jiving and groovin', wailin' and winnin'.

I don't snooze, so I don't lose.

I keep the pedal to the metal and the rubber on the road.

I party hearty and lunch time is crunch time.

I'm hangin' in, there ain't no doubt

and I'm hangin' tough, over and out!

Jon Stewart: Just the most amazing mind that man had.

Just amazing.

Right now, let's give it up for one of George's

all time favorite songs by the wonderful Ben E. King.

Ben E. King: �When the night Has come

And the land is dark

And the moon Is the only

Light we'll see

And no I won't be afraid

No I won't be afraid

Just as long As you stand

Stand by me

And darlin', darlin' stand by me

Oh stand By me

Oh stand

Stand by me

Stand by me

Stand by me

If the sky that we look upon

Should tumble and fall

Or the mountains Should crumble to the sea

I won't cry

I won't cry

I won't shed a tear

Just as long As you stand

Stand by me

And darlin', darlin', stand By me

Oh stand By me

Oh stand

Stand by me

Stand by me

Stand by me�

Narrator: To learn more about this year's recipient

of the Kennedy Center's Mark Twain Prize

as well as more about the history of the award

and its past recipients, you can find it at pbs.org.

Ben E. King: �Stand by me

Oh stand By me

Oh stand

Stand by me

Stand by me

Stand by me

Stand by me

Stand by me

Everybody clap your hands

Stand by me

Oh darling, darling, darling, darling

Stand by me

Stand by me

Stand by me

Stand by me