All language subtitles for Mom S07E07 Pork Butt and a Mall Walker - fiveofseven

(sighs)

Mom?

Adam?

(sighs)

Yes.

I said I didn't want to
go, and you made me go.

No.

Then you sat there like a lump.

I finally find a couple we
can be couple friends with,

and you consciously uncoupled us.

The guy called soccer
"football." He's from Milwaukee.

There's no excuse for that.

Why are you so hung up
on having couple friends?

It's what you do when you get married.

You cultivate relationships
with other couples.

You go to movies together,
you meet for sushi,

you stay at their beach house.

They had a beach house.

Really? Do they have any kids my age?

Don't bother. He killed it.

And not the good kind of "killed
it" like you young people say.

Fine, if it'll make you happy,
I'll have another brutal dinner

with a couple of hipsters you
met at the Artichoke Festival.

Are you kidding? 'Cause when
I said we should do this again,

their voices jumped three octaves.

(high-pitched): "Yeah, absolutely!"

Well, if you're looking for a fun hang,

I'll go out with you guys.

BOTH (high-pitched): Yeah, absolutely.

♪♪

It's just, I've waited
so long to get married,

I want the whole married package,

and that package
includes couple friends.

You know, the kind you
go on bicycle trips with.

Adam's in a wheelchair.

- Or take wine-tasting classes.
- You're an alcoholic.

Or help you bury relentlessly
negative friends in the desert.

She's taking a shot at you.
I don't know if you caught it.

(scoffs) Like those
idiots could bury me.

Well, couple friends are great
until two of you stay behind

in the lodge while
your spouses go skiing,

and next thing you know,
your husband's asking you

how you got rug burns on
your knees playing Scrabble.

Well, you just got a
lot more interesting.

Um, hello?

Hi.

Not you.

- What about me and Andy?
- Interesting pitch. Bring it home.

Well, I do believe I
am the only other one

at this table who's coupled up.

Some of us are just a little pickier.

Maybe a little too picky.

For the last time, I'm not gonna date

any of your widowed
mall-walking friends.

Seymour is a very vigorous 72.

- That's still way too...
- We'll talk about this at home.

I'll take a mall walker.

As long as he doesn't
actually have a walker.

Oh, screw it, he can have a walker.

But he has to have his hair.

Ugh, what do I need hair for?

I'm desperate, too. I just
hit on my Sparkletts guy.

It didn't go well. I
can't have water now.

You know, you and Andy could be fun.

We think so.

I mean, you don't have a vacation home,

but you do have a nice pool.

I have a vacation home.

- You do?
- No. Not in Santa Barbara, not anywhere

Split six ways?
Actually, I only had soup.

Oh, I did have two iced teas.

(sighs) I'll get the calculator.

I'm gonna hit the ladies'.

Tell me what I owe you when I get back.

I'll go with you. You know
what they say about BLTs.

You don't buy 'em, you rent 'em.

Wouldn't that be true of all food?

I find it's best not
to press these things.

I don't have to go, I just need to talk.

Oh, okay. I'll just,
I'll just be a minute.

No, Marjorie is driving me nuts.

Can this wait a sec?

Christy, I was in prison seven
years. The mystery's gone.

Okay, don't have to go anymore.

You see how she's going all
Scrooge McDuck with the bill?

That's nothing compared
to how she is at home.

She's cheap, she's controlling.

I mean, even the cats are avoiding her.

I'm serious. We
exchange knowing glances.

You think it's hard
living with Marjorie?

Try living with my mother.

She is the reason I
don't bring guys home.

Well, she's one of the reasons.

Does Bonnie freak out

when you accidentally
throw out the Valpak?

"Damn it to hell, you
threw out the Valpak!"

That is such a Marjorie word. "Valpak."

Oh, you know what's another good one?

"Trash bag."

"Tammy, I found a
Valpak in the trash bag."

It's not funny when you
live with it, Christy.

If it's so bad, why don't
you save up some money

and get your own place?

I have enough money now.

I'm crushing it with the handyman stuff.

Williams-Sonoma has
me fixing stuff there

for the next three weeks.

Did you know that they
make pasta with zucchini?

News flash: still vegetables.

You have money to live alone
without an annoying older woman?

That's my dream.

You each owe 16 bucks, so
wipe it, zip it, wrap it up.

Move out.

Do it, do it for me.

Get out. It's a grill and
a stick-burning smoker?

Buddy, you can make a
cake with this thing.

Won't it stink?

Yeah. But you made it in a barbecue.

And check this out.
You can isolate zones.

I'm going slow and low on the pork butt

while I sear with high
heat on the lamb chops.

See this? It's my mind.

Know why it's over
here? 'Cause it's blown.

- To meat.
- Meat.

(chuckles)

Look at 'em. It's like
the best play-date ever.

(chuckles) I don't think
I'm gonna get mine to leave.

You guys are such a nice
break from Andy's cop friends.

I mean, how many times can a girl laugh

when a guy says "Don't worry,
it is a gun in my pocket."

I'm willing to bet at least
one of them wasn't a gun.

Herb, with the lingering hugs.

I got to say, I'm glad we did this.

Doing this couple thing is fun.

It is. So this Santa Barbara house,

if we climb a tree, can we see Oprah?

(slurring): To dessert.
(slurring): To dessert.

They should make meat dessert.

Like meat in a pie.

Meatloaf pot pie.

But no peas.

Why do people ruin everything with peas?

Get out of here, peas.

Mm. Okay.

Whoa.

One more Predator handshake.

Do you want to be Dutch?

I am Dutch.

(Schwarzenegger voice):
What's the matter, Dillon?

FBI got you pushing too many pencils?

Did we look this stupid
when we were drinking?

Yes, but I still got laid.

And let's be honest, so will they.

ANDY (regular voice): Hey, babe.

Babe. Let's fire up the
'cuzza... Jacuzzaroo.

He has never called it that.

Come on, Bonnie, 'c-cuzzaroo.

'Cuzzaroo!

'Cuzzar...

Oh, like there's a chance in hell

we're gonna get naked in front of...

- I loved your share, Tammy.
- Thanks.

Even though you did
ignore the timer twice.

I live a big life, Marjorie.
And it wasn't twice... .

We'll talk about this at home.

I need you.

What's going on?

I found a great apartment,
but I got to give them

a check on Friday or I lose the place.

Fantastic. Give them a check.

I still haven't told Marjorie.

I started to, but then I got cold feet.

And then I accidentally
threw out another Valpak,

so I was coming from
a position of weakness.

Will you talk to her for me?

This is something you got to do alone.

Like your 40s.

Please? I work a half-day
at Williams-Sonoma tomorrow.

You guys can come by and
we can go out to lunch.

Okay, but you're assuming
she's gonna be upset.

She could be happy.

Why would she be happy?

Right, she's gonna be
devastated. It'll be good.

- Hey, couple buddy.
- Hey, you.

Adam could not stop talking
about Andy and your barbecue.

So, listen, what do you say

we recapture the magic this weekend?

Maybe take a little drive down
to your place in Santa Barbara?

Ooh, this weekend?

- Or next.
- Ooh, next?

We could do it another time. Do
you want to do it another time?

(high-pitched): Yeah,
absolutely. Let's make a date.

I have a calendar on my phone.

I just learned how to, how to use it.

Way to go, pally.

Jill and Andy hate us,
and it's all your fault.

Jill and Andy don't hate us.

Yes, they do. They don't want
to go out with us anymore.

So now it's just gonna be you,
me, and... let's be honest...

Christy until we die.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

- Andy and I are great.
- Yeah, I thought so, too, when he was

Officer and a Gentleman-ing
you out of the hot tub,

but, uh... apparently not.

- Why are you so sure it's me?
- Who else was there?

"Andy, want to grab a beer?"

Prepare to be ghosted,
because you're never gonna...

(phone chimes)

"Now? Sure."

(phone chimes)

And a fist bump. It's you.

Oh.

- It smells so good in here.
- (chuckles)

It's like a pumpkin made
love to a gingerbread man

in an orange grove.

I'm just excited you got to meet
some of my mall walker friends.

Seymour really is vigorous.

I hope he calls.

- Oh, my God.
- What?

Valerie Bertinelli has that mixer.

Tell Seymour I want this for Christmas.

Can I offer you a sample?

Tomato focaccia with
basil-infused olive oil.

Ooh. Sounds yummy. Thanks.

Um, I don't suppose

that you would be hiring, would you?

Uh, well, you could go to our website

and fill out an application.

Do you know what a website is?

I believe I can figure it out.

Good for you!

Marjorie, is everything all right?

Yeah. Why?

'Cause it sounded like
you were asking for a job.

Okay. (sighs)

I'm a little embarrassed about this,

so please don't tell the other ladies,

but I am having a
few... financial issues.

But I thought Victor had money.

Well, he did.

And then he got sick,
and between the meds

and the home health care,
there's very little left.

I'm so sorry.

Well, thank God for Tammy.

If she weren't kicking in on rent,

I think I might not
still have the house.

TAMMY: Hey, guys!

Oh, my God, aren't those good?

I've been eating so
many, my blood type's

tomato focaccia-positive. (chuckles)

That's just a little Willy
Sonoma humor. (chuckles)

All right, let's go do this lunch.

No-no-no, no lunch.

Yes, lunch. We have a lot to talk about.

But I'm not hungry anymore.

But you promised you'd be hungry.

But now I've changed my mind.

But we were gonna have this lunch,

and you were gonna
support me through that.

But now I'm not, so I will support you

at a future meal TBD.

Oh... for heaven's sakes.

She doesn't think I can afford lunch

because I just told her I was having

a few money problems.

And that your rent
was really saving her.

Oh!

No lunch.

Knock, knock.

Bonnie. (exhales)

What are you doing here...

past two maids and a gate?

I was just in the neighborhood,

thought I'd drop in to
find out why you hate me.

Is it 'cause I broke the fairy statue

in the guest bathroom?

It's a sea sprite, and
I didn't know about that.

The wings are in the toilet tank.

- So, what'd I do?
- Nothing.

Great. So, when are the four
of us gonna hang out again?

Real soon.

Look at you, lying to me
right in front of Buddha.

I'm not lying!

Really? You sure about that?

I know "real soon" is code

for "don't want to do it."

Okay, then why don't you shut up

and pretend like everything's
fine like a normal person?

Because I want to know what I did.

(sighing): Oh, God.

It isn't you, it's Adam.

I knew it! (whoops)

Is it the loud chewing?

'Cause maybe we just don't have salad.

No. It's not that. He's a great guy.

I was just really uncomfortable
watching Andy get drunk.

I've never seen him like that before.

And you're afraid if
he and Adam hang out,

it'll become a regular thing?

Well, Adam does like to party.

I guess I just realized
that I don't want to be

around that anymore.

I don't know how you do it.

Honestly, I don't mind.

When he has a beer and a half at night,

it reminds me I can't drink that way,

and when he occasionally gets sloppy,

it reminds me I don't want
to drink that way, so...

Also, he broke the sea sprite.

Do you think I'm being too rigid?

What I think doesn't matter.

You have to do what's right for you.

Thanks.

You're a really good friend.

The kind of friend who gets a spare key

to your Santa Barbara
house? Don't say anything.

Think about it.

- (music playing on TV)
- (chuckles)

(sighs)

Oh, by the way, it was you.

I just never expected to be
without money at this age.

It's humiliating. Who will hire me?

I haven't worked in years.

I'm over 65. I have a record.

Don't worry. There's gonna be

plenty of places that will hire you.

Tammy, would you pass the focaccia? Mm.

Ooh, are those samples?

No, we brought them from home.

Nice work, Christy.

I've been job hunting for weeks.

If I don't find something,

I may have to sell my house.

(sighs) What'll happen to my cats?
They're old. Like me.

People don't take in old cats.

Yeah, but unlike you,
people can't necessarily tell

that the cats are old.

Look, Marjorie, I've been where you are.

I know how you feel, so
I'm going to say to you

what you always say to
me when I'm spinning out.

You have a roof over your head.

- Yes, but...
- Are your bills paid?

Okay. I know where this is going.

Do you have food in your fridge?

Yes. Minus the French vanilla yogurt.

I didn't eat it, I spilled it.

You know what? We'll
talk about it at home.

(sighs)

Just take it one day at a time.

At least for today, you
have everything you need.

Worst-case scenario,
which rarely happens,

you're never gonna be on the
street, because you have us.

And we're roomies for life.

In fact, you should raise my rent.

I'm making money like a
call girl at the ESPYs.

(sniffs) Mmm, smells good.

Well, that's curious,
'cause nothing's cooking yet.

Got to get this baby
seasoned up so it can rest

before it faces the flame.

Hey, would you mind grabbing me a beer?

I'd get it myself, but, you know,

the timing on this is crucial.

Andy, can we talk?

You mean right now, during
the crucial seasoning phase?

Yeah.

Uh... sure.

I don't know how to say this.

Well, you know, take your time

and gather your thoughts.

No, I need to get this out now.

Yeah.

The other night when Bonnie
and Adam were here, I just...

I don't know, I-I was
really uncomfortable

being around that kind of drinking.

Oh. Yeah, uh, sorry about that.

We kind of went overboard.

The thing is...

it made me realize that I
want to have a sober home,

and that includes... being with someone

who doesn't drink.

Oh.

This is hard, because
you're the best thing

that's happened to me in a long time.

Maybe ever.

And it's not like I think
you have a drinking problem.

I know you drink like a regular guy.

But, honestly, I don't want
to kiss you and taste beer.

Not that that's wrong for you.

I mean, you have your way
of living, and I have mine.

Maybe the two don't blend.

Like-like a bad Long Island iced tea.

You know, I've had some good ones,

I've had some bad ones,

I've had a lot of 'em
because I'm an alcoholic.

And this just isn't gonna
work out between the two of us,

um, so goodbye.

Or... I could just not drink.

What?

I mean, if it makes you
uncomfortable, I won't drink.

You can do that?

Absolutely.

Oh, my God. I love that
you would do that for me.

Aw...

And I hate you because you can.

You know, I love Marjorie.

And I know she's going
through a tough time,

and I'm gonna be there for
her no matter what it takes.

But I got to be honest.

It is not easy. (chuckles)

I'm so stressed.

I wake up every night in a cold sweat

because I dreamt I accidentally
threw out the Valpak... again

You know what?
You do get used to it.