Original subtitles

Come on, you guys. Dinner's hot.

(Mark) What did you get?

Everybody's favorite - Polish food.

Oh...

All right, I love Polish food.

I went down to Hamtramick Stan's.

You were supposed to get pizza.

Anybody can get pizza. You didn't.

That's 'cause on the way to get the pizza,

I heard the call for kielbasa.

You know, the last time you ate Polish food, you were up half the night.

And in the bathroom the other half.

That's because I made a pig out of myself. This time, I didn't order so much.

These things look great.

Oh... these are great. Brad, you oughta try the duck blood soup.

It's all right, Dad. For lunch, I had a chicken gut sandwich.

I hope you're not gonna stuff yourself again.

Once you get started on golabkis, it's hard to put the brakes on.

It's not the brakes I'm worried about, it's your full tank of gas.

Oh. Ooh...

You awake?

No.

I think all those golabkis I ate

turned into one big golabki.

It's wedged between my head and my heinie, honey.

Go back to sleep. I can't.

Do we have any of those little minty, chalky,

chewy stomach thingies?

There's the liquid stuff downstairs.

Oh, would you go get it for me?

I didn't overeat. Why should I have to get up in the middle of the night?

'Cause in a second, you'll want to be getting out of this bed, anyway.

Oh, man.

(man) Now, when performing a vasectomy,

the first snip is always critical.

Qué buena gente.

Bonito, el viejito.

Y aquel chavito, pues tan requetechiquito.

Too sad.

(groans)

Does everybody know what time it is?

(audience) "Tool Time"!

That's right. Binford Tools is proud to present

Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor.

(cheering)

Last time, I promised construction-site cooking.

That's why I invited the guys at K&B Construction down here to the set.

Rock Lannigan, Dwayne Hoover, and Pete Bilker.

How you doing, Pete? Hi, Tim.

Nice beard.

Well, thank you, Tim. I grew it because of Al.

He's my hero.

Yeah, mine too. Rock, what have you got for us today?

Well, Tim, I'm a riveter.

I work way up on the high steel,

and it makes it darn hard to get a hot lunch up there,

but I've come up with a quick and easy way

of making a delicious grilled-cheese sandwich.

Hear my stomach growling?

You're gonna love this one, Tim.

The fellas call it "Cheddar a la Rock."

All right.

I use only sharp Wisconsin cheese,

because after all,

in Wisconsin, cheese is cheese.

American cheese from American cows.

(moos)

Look out!

I spread on a generous dollop of oleo

with my trowel,

then I take the cheese and I stick it between the bread.

Good place for it.

And then I...

Tim, I kinda hate to give this little secret away.

Come on, Rock, let it go. It's a Tool Time crowd.

(grunts)

(all grunt)

All right, all right. Pete?

I sprinkle on a little oregano for flavoring, and then I fire it up.

What do you use to heat that with?

That's the secret of cooking on the job site.

I go straight for my blowtorch.

That's no ordinary blowtorch.

That's the Binford 3000 turbo-ignition switch torch.

Yeah, you betcha, Tim.

See the trick... you gotta toast it

nice and evenly on both sides

so that you seal in that delicious Wisconsin flavor.

Try that, Timmy.

It's hot!

Might wanna let that cheese cool down a little bit there.

Oh, I remember that.

That thing tasted terrible. Ooh...

I'm gonna finish sanding that table now.

We've got our belt attached with a rough grip,

and we wanna plug the thing in.

You wanna be sure the trigger switch is not locked in the "on" position.

Any idiot knows that, Al.

Before we get gluing, I want to introduce Binford's new Miracle Glue.

You might want to remind viewers to be careful when using this glue

because it will bond instantly to your skin.

Al, we learned in the first grade

you're not supposed to play with glue.

Well, I was just worried about our viewers' welfare, as well as your welfare.

Al, these negative thoughts can hurt people on the job site.

I don't have negative thoughts.

You do too. No, I don't.

Do too. Do not.

Do. Not.

Maybe it would be better if I just swept up here.

Maybe it would be better if you just swept up, Mr. Negativity.

Not. Do.

You wanna set your laminate securely on your shimmies, front and back.

Jeez...

Al.

Al!

We'll be right back after these messages from Binford.

As you can see by our mock-up here,

we've got our jack studs in place.

Now we're gonna put our header in.

So are you planning on using a doubled-up 2 X 8?

No, I'm not, Bob. I'm thinking about using that beefy boy over there,

a 4 X 8 big piece of American Doug fir.

Doug fir. OK.

Folks, it's a good idea to use your framing square at this point in the job.

You wanna make sure this header is level. Excellent point.

There's nothing worse than trying to hang a door in an opening that isn't true.

How true, how true. Al, I was gonna get to that.

Making their television debut right here on Tool Time,

K&B and the boys and Janeen.

Rock, let's roll!

(♪ plays "Home Improvement" theme)

♪ Ba-ba da-ba

♪ Ba-ba da-ba ba-da-da

♪ Ba-da-da ba-da-da ba-da-da-da

Come on, Pete! Take it, Pete!

Whoo!

Al! (ding)

Thank you!

Thank you!

Hi. Welcome to Tool Time.

As you can see, our 1955 ranch home

needs a lot of work, especially the roof.

You wanna have a professional examine

any weak or discolored areas like these

and make sure they're properly attended to.

For now, we'll hop over these to a safer area.

It's a little weak here. You wanna avoid this area, too.

Aah!

Aah!

Ow. That hurt just looking at it again.

(Al) I don't think anyone did, Tim.

Hey, what are you doing up, honey?

Ever since you woke me, I couldn't get back to sleep.

Oh, sorry.

What happened to your hair? It looks horrible.

Well, excuse me.

I didn't know I had to dress for your upset stomach.

Well, I won't look at you that much.

Thank you.

I was starting to feast myself on old Tool Times.

Speaking of feast, are there any golabkis left?

If you even think about a golabki, I'm gonna file for a divorceki.

I wouldn't worry about other guys looking at you with your hair like that.

Will you watch some of these Tool Times with me?

Well, I can't get back to sleep any other way.

In order to get a new floor, we lift off the old floor.

That's right. And for that we can use a simple basic scraper.

But that wouldn't be fun. Let's use the Dry-Ice method.

Put Dry Ice down, and it lifts asphalt tiles right up.

Actually, Tim, uh...

Using Dry Ice, you'd need an awful lot of Dry Ice for that to work.

For once, Al, you're totally correct.

So what we'll do is, we'll be using the...

(engine starts)

...the simple basic scraper.

You can pick this up at just about any hardware store.

We'll be right back after these messages from Binford Tools.

Boy, there's a sport with more power. Oh-oh.

Ho-ho-ho-ho.

That's right, Tim.

But the secret is to channel that power through focus and concentration.

Two things I excel at.

Well, that and driving yourself to the hospital while bleeding.

Are you saying I couldn't break that board with my head?

Well, Tim, he says it takes focus and concentration.

I think we all know which one of us has that.

You think you can break this board with your head?

Yes, I do. Oh, really?

I don't think it's such a good idea, Al. My show here, OK?

You're up to the challenge, right, Al?

It's all right.

Hai!

(cheering)

Tim, I don't think you should try this. Hey, quiet, quiet, please.

One thing you... You've said enough.

You should know... It's my show. I can do this.

Hyah, Godzilla!

I was gonna say I have studied karate, Tim.

Buford Tools... w-w... messages. We have 'em.

We'll be right back.

Hi. Welcome to this special edition of Tool Time.

I'm Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor, and you know my assistant Al.

We're here at beautiful Memorial Park, ready for the big race with Bob Vila.

I've got this helmet cam, so you'll see exactly what I see.

Hey, Bob, who do you think is gonna win the race?

It's for charity. The real winners are the children.

Of course they are, Bob. The winners are the kids.

In second place, me. In a distant third, Bob.

Start your engines.

Ready?

One,

two, three!

Nice mower, Bob. Thanks, Tim.

I'd love to sit and chat, but I gotta run.

Oh, boy! Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Look out, buddy. Look out! Look out! Look out!

Aah!

Aah!

Aah!

As you can see, I've got three samples of wood on the workbench.

I'll hand them to Al one at a time.

He claims he can tell us what type of wood it is just by smelling it.

We shall see.

Al Borland, name that wood.

Tim, that's hickory.

Can you believe it, ladies? This man's single.

Second sample. Al Borland, name that wood.

Cedar. Hah!

Wait...

Western red cedar.

You almost messed that one up, Al.

Well, I'm fighting off a cold, Tim.

Well, this next sample...

...should be a little bit more difficult to discern, Al.

You might have to take a big old whiff of this thing to figure out what it is.

Well, I'm up to the challenge, Tim.

I certainly hope so, Al.

Al Borland, name that wood.

Oh!

Well, it's... it's a hardwood from the Pacific Northwest, and...

Uhh.

Well, this particular piece seems to have some type of a fungus.

Uh, well, uh, uh...

Uhh. Let me try this again.

Ohh!

I also have a helpful household hint.

I'm going to show the audience something

you don't ordinarily do with a potato.

Keep the kids away from the TV set. Tim.

Here's a safe way to take a broken bulb from its socket.

You simply take a cut potato, jam it into the socket, twist...

And in minutes, you have thousands of curly fries.

A wonderful snack for TV time, movies... Tim. Tim!

I doubted the razor, but I gave it a chance. Please do not mock my potato.

You say potato, I say stupid.

Tim, this'll work. You twist and pull the broken bulb right out of the socket.

But first you must... Jam it in the light.

...unplug the lamp.

I'd like to introduce you to Binford's small line of industrial magnets.

The Minimag 100 is perfect for picking up screws and nails.

It can pick up small tools that have carelessly been dropped behind the workbench,

perhaps the fault of a coworker.

And the Minimag 2000.

Small but powerful. 10 pounds will pick up 400 pounds.

This would suck the Tin Man right through a keyhole.

Well, it was designed to pick up sheet metal,

so you want to keep it pointed... Tim.

No, no, just slide it.

Slide it down.

Tim.

Pretty powerful little thing, isn't it?

(feedback)

Marv, pull it back! Marv!

We'll be right back after these messages from Binford.

Wait a minute.

Get this rope here, attach it here to my biner,

then you can head down towards that Porta-Potty right down there.

Tim, be careful. I don't know, Al, I... Oh!

Aah!

(Al) Tim! Are you all right?

Th - Are you awake?

Jill?

(Tim) Can somebody send me a magazine?

Uh, Jill?

I'm just gonna make myself a little kielbasa omelet,

with a hint of golabki.

Oh.

This is a good part. This is great stuff.

To John Q. Primitive Man, this was his source of fire.

They were trying to get a spark to get the kindling moving.

You should be careful because you could start a fire.

Like I'm really gonna start a fire. Well, that's the... Tim.

Al, Al, Al... Tim, you're on fire.

Indeed I am, Al.

I've done this to teach the kids out there an important lesson.

Don't play with sticks. They can put your eye out or ignite your forearm.

Al, could you help me out here?

I think we should bid John farewell in the Tool Time fashion -

a little tribute to John Binford

with a Binford 21-nailgun salute.

Do you think this isn't a little dangerous, Tim?

No, wait. Warren, the protective drop cloth, please.

Have you tried this?

The drop cloth will collect all of the nails.

Well, you've tried this? Hold on, hold on, hold on.

Klaus, some music, please.

(♪ plays "Taps")

So long, Johnny.

Look, Tim, just be careful.

Tim.

(music trails off)

Hey, that's all of our show today.

I'm Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor. I gotta get out of here.

Today, Al and I will be talking about fencing.

In order to do that, I'm gonna need my dueling dowel. Heidi?

Here you go, Tim.

Thanks, Heidi. You're welcome.

En garde, big fella. Come on, Flannel Man. Tim.

Tim. Tim.

He's scared.

This is not the type of fencing we're talking about.

Today, we'll be talking about the classic...

To show some of the advantages of soundproofing,

the crew and I got here early and constructed a special room.

Heidi, my room, please.

This room will not only protect you from the elements, keep you warm,

but it's also totally soundproof.

Here you go, Tim. Thank you, Heidi.

Watch this. Can't hear a word. It's so good.

Talking like this, you walk in.

Hi, everybody. It's great to be here. My name's Tim "The Tool..."

(mouths)

Aah!

(applause)

That is truly amazing. We did not hear a sound.

No, that's how it was designed. You gotta try it.

Let yourself go. It's great. Yeah.

Tim, can you hear me? (mouths)

You can't hear me?

In that case, I should be the host of this show.

And another thing, that's a stupid haircut you have.

And another thing...

♪ I am the very model of a modern major general

♪ I've information vegetable, animal and mineral

♪ I know the kings of England

♪ And I quote the fights historical

♪ From Marathon to Waterloo, in order categorical ♪

Al. Yes.

Al. Yes?

Can you hear me?

I can hear you.

Think about that.

Major General Borland.

Give a big Tool Time welcome to the astronauts,

the crew of the Endeavour space shuttle.

(cheering)

Let's meet Mission Commander Dick Covey.

How you doing, sir? Very good, Tim.

Well, Dick supervised the entire servicing

of the Hubble Space Telescope.

What's it like working with tools in outer space?

Well, Tim, it's a lot like using tools here on Earth,

except there's no gravity, so you don't have to worry

about dropping a tool on your foot.

Sounds like the perfect working environment for you, Tim.

He's very funny.

Yeah. A regular astro-nut.

Tim, it's pronounced astro-naut.

Yeah, I know. That was a little joke.

Oh, sorry. I had no idea.

Wow! Tools from space.

What I wouldn't give to have one of these on my shop wall.

That's a 3/8-inch drive McTether ratchet.

They use this for playing McTetherball out there.

And next, we have a...

Hey, where's my power tool with the adjustable extension?

You guys probably forgot to bring it.

No, I saw you working with it earlier.

I wasn't working with it. Yes, you were.

Tim, is this what you're looking for? Oh, that!

Heidi, where'd you find that? Doesn't matter where she found it.

It was in Tim's locker.

(high-pitched) Well, I... See, I...

(normal voice) I was gonna bring it back. It was just... I thought...

Whoo.

Taylor, we're gonna need this back too.

How did that get in there?

Last time, I was telling you how bathrooms have become a woman's domain.

Not anymore since the crew and I

designed and built the bathroom for men only. Guys, bring out my bathroom.

(♪ "Also Sprach Zarathustra" by Strauss)

(applause)

The man's bathroom.

100% - you guessed it - stainless steel. That's right.

A man's can, a John's john.

This will be on every man's Christmas list this year.

We're gonna take you through a typical male day in the bathroom.

I get up, I scratch, I get in the bathroom.

First, I wanna get rid of that horrible morning breath.

You've got everything here you need. You got your soap.

You got a little bit of your mouthwash.

No, that's the soap. That's the mouthwash.

To get deep-down manly dirt off,

you gotta jump in your multi-head shower.

Oh, oh, oh.

Oh, oh. Oh, oh.

Hop out, stand over your built-in floor drain. Gotta get dry real quick.

I'm dry. Well, ready to shave. I can't shave in the dark.

I'll need my trusty headlights.

Also useful in case a deer wanders into your bathroom.

For those pesky nose hairs, you flip on your brights.

All right, all right.

Well... the bathroom has everything,

including the brand-new La-Z-Bowl reclining toilet.

(applause)

Yes.

It's plush when you flush.

You guys are going, "If you spend so much time in the bathroom,

you won't know what's going on in the big game." Got it covered.

Go! Go! Go!

("Tool Time" video plays quietly)

Wilson.

Nighty-ho, good neighbor.

What are you barbecuing at 4am for?

Well, it may be 4am in Detroit,

but it's dinnertime in Mindanao.

(Tim) Huh?

Tonight is their annual Zamboanga festival.

Zamboanga?

I love watching those bad boys clear the ice

before a hockey game, huh?

No, no, no, no, Tim. The Zamboanga festival

is a celebration of multiculturalism in the Philippines.

Would you like some barbecued pork?

(groans)

No, I'm battling a gutful of Polish food.

I overdid it tonight.

Hmm. Well, as the Roman poet Lucan said,

"Keep to moderation, keep the end in view, follow nature."

Well, my end has been following nature all night.

I'll never do that again.

Although that pork is smelling mighty good.

Go to bed, Tim.

(mimics Wilson) Oh, OK, Wilson.

(Al) This works with more than footballs.

You can duplicate any of your favorite colors.

(Tim) That's right - antifreeze green,

road-kill gray...

Oh, boy, I don't wanna miss this.

But today, we develop a color just for "Tool Time" - the color Al.

Excuse me, Tim?

I'm gonna make a color out of you.

You'll be bigger than fuchsia.

This is absolutely ridiculous. Let's show 'em what the machine can do.

No, that's not what the machine... Come on, play along.

Al, just put your finger in there.

There you go.

OK.

One part pasty white, two parts flannel. OK.

Oh, yeah.

Now we've got a bucket of Al, I'm ready to paint with big Al here. OK.

Of course, Al is economical in the gallon size here.

Al goes on smooth, just like that.

(laughter and cheers)

Welcome to Drywall Week here on Tool Time.

I am Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor,

and you all know my assistant - Plump Al Stiltskin.

(cheering)

Thank you. Thank you. I'm wearing these stilts to show our viewers

a handy way to put up drywall ceiling panels.

This is all well and good if you have a traditional ten-foot ceiling,

but let's say I want to do a remodel on the Sistine Chapel.

Well, I don't think you'd be their first choice as contractor.

Stick with me here, OK?

Guys, raise this up to the Sistine Chapel level.

Let's say you wanna smooth out those chubby cherubs with some wallboard,

but the stilts only go up to 48 inches.

That's why I use these. Heidi?

My pneumatic drywall stilts.

Pneumatic drywall stilts?

Is there an echo in the building?!

Just how high can they go? Sky's the limit.

Want to go up, press this lever up.

Third floor - lingerie. Ding ding ding.

I'm very impressed, Tim.

Watch this. I want to reverse the process

and go down to the bargain basement

where you picked up that shirt, press here.

Here we have left-handed pruning shears.

If you go with these, your pruning will move a lot faster.

If you go with prunes, you'll move a lot faster.

Let's show the audience how two lefties can prune with left-handed tools.

My pleasure.

We'll see who's the quicker shearer here.

Yes, we will.

Klaus, some pruning music, please.

(♪ "Saber Dance" by Khachaturian)

Now the moment we've all been waiting for -

the introduction of the man's kitchen. A guy's galley.

I am man, hear me roast.

(grunts)

What do you say we start her up? That's right.

The only kitchen I know that has an ignition system.

(engine sputters)

Come on! Come on.

Well, maybe we should get jumper cables, hook it up to another kitchen.

I think I got it.

(engine starts)

Listen to that baby purr.

Now let's step inside and take a tour of the man's kitchen.

(cheering)

(grunts)

Well, for most men, there's only two kinds of vegetables - your beans and your potatoes.

I had my beans yesterday. I know.

Now, potatoes - hmm, hard to cook.

When a guys wants to eat, a guy wants to eat.

He can't wait for those endless seconds on a microwave.

That's why we've got the Binford macrowave.

Three convenient power settings -

"high," "really high" and "split your own atoms."

Now, Tim, won't this put out a little too much radiation?

Hmm, that's a good safety tip, Al.

That's why we're equipped with these.

Lead vests.

Also useful in case Superman wants to take a peek at your underwear.

No problem there. I'm not wearing any.

Don't overcook it, so only in there a couple of seconds.

Now, don't look directly at the potato.

(timer dings)

The man's refrigerator - stainless-steel doors, big cubic inches.

What does every man dream about having in a refrigerator?

That's simple, Tim. A butcher.

Benny, how you doing? Hey, Tim.

Hi, Al. What will it be today?

I don't know. I got a hankering for a thick porterhouse.

Good choice.

I'll take the petite filet mignon.

It takes all kinds.

Here you go. Good-looking meat. Thanks. Stay cool.

All right, we flip 'em on our grill.

You don't wanna overcook 'em. You just want 'em flame-kissed.

Ding! They're done. All right.

(moos)

Still moving, Al.

Now we're ready to put on our seasoning.

Right. We've got hot sauce, steak sauce, barbecue sauce.

What's your pick?

Not one of those. I'd like a pinch of salt.

You got it, friend.

I am Tim "The Cool Man" Taylor.

And you all know my assistant - The King - Al-vis.

(imitating Elvis) Thank you. Thank you very much.

Today, we're gonna have a rockin' good time,

because we're gonna be building ourselves a rockin' chair.

This is the last theme show we're gonna do.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

A rockin'... Could we?

All right. Well, yesterday, if you remember,

we bent the wood for the frame of our rocking chair

by putting it in this steamer box.

The steam made the wood pliable and easy to shape.

We're ready to make the legs and posts of our chair

using the Binford 6100 variable-speed wood lathe.

That's right. Now, we first use a rough gouge to take off the square edges.

Then Al will use a one half-inch round nose to start shaping our piece.

Marv, bring the camera and let's take a look at this.

There are various types of patterns to shape your legs.

Or you can do it freehand.

It's a very difficult skill to master.

You might wanna practice on a spare piece of wood.

Right. That's good advice. I'll give you more good advice.

Always think safety when working with a spinning lathe.

You notice I didn't wear a necktie. We got letters about this.

You want nothing hanging down and no loose clothing.

The possibility... (laughter)

Let me finish.

Sometimes...

If you get too close to a lathe,

you can lose an article of clothing.

Is it a little chilly in here?

Hi, and welcome to a special live edition of Tool Time.

Today, we're gonna show you the operation

of a 25-ton hydraulic truck crane.

(grunts)

That's right, Tim. We're gonna be using this crane

to pick up and set a three-ton beam

which will be used as a diagonal brace, also known as a kicker.

So you could call this a kicker picker-upper.

This is the lever here to raise the beam, right? Yes, but don't... No, Tim!

I'm doing it. I got it! I got it!

I'm beaming up, Scotty.

OK, Al, now what?

OK, hit the foot brake. Lock the beam in place. Right now.

OK. Now get out of the cab.

Tim's getting out of the cab,

and I'm going to move the beam right into place.

As you go out, be careful. Don't hit the brake release.

OK. This is the lever that would swing the beam?

Yes, it is, but, Tim... Tim!

Al, are you all right? (Al) Marv, look out!

Tim, your foot! Don't hit the brake release!

What?

Honey. Honey, honey. Honey, come on. Wake up.

This is the Tool Time pilot.

It's groundbreaking TV.

Does everybody know what time it is?

(all) Tool Time.

That's correct.

Binford Tools is happy to present your host -

Tom Taylor.

(♪ plays theme on the organ)

Thank you, Mrs. Binford. It's Tim Taylor.

Well, welcome, audience, to the premiere episode of Tool Time.

It's a show that celebrates men and their tools.

Before we get to our project today,

I'd like to bring out an assistant we hired for me.

We auditioned contractors all through Detroit area, a lot of professional men,

and this is the guy that would work for the money we offered.

Let's bring him out.

A contractor, a master plumber, and a Pisces - Albert Borland.

Come on out, Albert.

Good to have you here.

Hi.

We've already leveled our dirt, we got some form up.

Al, you guide us the rest of the way.

We've done just about everything until we pour the concrete.

So all we need to do is set the stakes, close in the form.

Exactly! We need a sledgehammer for that. Mrs. Binford?

There you go, Tom.

Thank you, Mrs. Been-In-The-Sauce.

All right. Al, will you hold the stake while I drive her in?

I'd be pleased to, Tim. With an expert like Tim, I know I'm in good hands.

(thump)

Ow! My hand!

Ow! That hurt!

How did a person like you get a show like this?

Wha...? Ow! Ow!

...get to that.

Aah!

...jam it in the light.

Marv!

Aah!

Aah!