Original subtitles

Good evening, fellow tourists.

Have you longed to visit Europe but lacked the money?

Did you ever think it possible to travel there

aboard a luxurious ocean liner

for less than $25 roundtrip?

That is precisely what we are prepared to offer you tonight.

Here is a sample of our luxurious cabins.

All this for only $23.50 to London, England.

Slightly higher if you are discovered.

All this is prompted by the title of tonight’s fable,

"First Class Honeymoon."

It follows this commercial, which is in a class by itself.

[laughter]

[chuckles]

[alarm clock ringing]

[whooping call]

[grunts]

[happy grunts]

Well, good morning, Mrs. Phelan.

I’m sorry I left so many dirty dishes for you.

No, that’s all right, Mr. Gibson.

Coffee’s ready. Would you like some?

Oh, I’d love some.

How was the ball game last night?

I never saw such sloppy fielding in all my life.

Why that first baseman made three double plays in two innings.

And, as for the pitching,

that ex-wife of yours could throw a plate

faster than this guy could throw a baseball.

I know what you mean. I always said Gloria had a good knuckleball, huh.

You don’t feel too badly about that divorce, do you?

Feel badly? Listen, I’ve never been so happy in my life.

I’m very happy I got you in the settlement, too, Mrs. Phelan.

Well, now, I wasn’t going to let them

trade me off to that woman, Mr. Gibson.

Not even for a season pass, I wouldn’t.

Well, listen, it was a fair exchange,

I got you, she got the Cocker Spaniel,

they deserve each other.

I never did like those little itty-bitty dogs.

Them’s the kind that goes running out in the field

and holding up the game.

Now, is there anything else I could get for you?

No, no, just the bottle of beer.

Oh, heavens.

Ah, this is the life, Mrs. Phalen.

Single blessedness

to do whatever you want, whenever you want.

I know just how you feel, Mr. Gibson.

When poor Mr. Phalen was alive, rest his soul,

I hardly ever got to go to the ballpark.

But now I go all the time.

So you see, Mr. Gibson,

everything always works out for the best.

-Yeah. -See?

No, you get mean when you drink.

[sighs]

[doorbell rings]

-Mr. Gibson. -Yes.

I’m Abner Munroe, from the Tru-Art Galleries.

-The what? -The Tru-Art Galleries, Mr. Gibson.

May I come in?

Oh, thank you, but I don’t think I’m gonna buy a painting today.

I’m afraid you don’t understand, I am not a salesman,

I’m an artist representative.

Oh.

I think you’re going to be very pleased with this, Mr. Gibson,

very pleased.

After all, Raphael O’Connor

has himself said this is his finest work.

You know how difficult is to please Raphael.

Who is Raphael O’Connor?

You’re joking, of course.

Look, shall we unveil the work now?

Or would you prefer to wait until your wife is present?

-My wife? -Yes, this is Mrs. Gibson’s home.

-Oh, now I know you’re making a mistake. -It’s no matter.

-You see, my wife and I-- -You shall have the honor

of being the first to see the painting.

After all, you’re paying for it.

I am?

Oh, well, now I know you’re making a mistake.

You see, I didn’t order any painting.

Surely Mrs. Gibson told you about the commission

she gave to Mr. O’Connor?

No, she didn’t. And even if she had, it wouldn’t make any difference.

My wife and I are divorced.

-Divorced? -Yes.

Well, I’m terribly sorry, but--

Well, I’m not. Why should you be?

But the painting, I mean,

Mrs. Gibson gave us the commission

and told us to charge it to your account.

That was back in, let’s see, in April.

Well, you just take it right straight back.

Why, I’m sorry, Mr. Gibson, I can’t do that.

I mean, it’s your painting.

I don’t want the painting.

I don’t even know who Raphael O’Connor is!

Sir, Raphael O’Connor is one of America’s foremost portrait painters!

Portrait--?

It’s Gloria.

Isn’t the likeness remarkable?

You know, it’s as if she was right here with us.

Oh, it sure is.

I knew you’d be pleased, Mr. Gibson.

Well now, if you’ll just kindly write me out a check--

Get that thing out of here.

-I beg your pardon? -Get that thing out of here!

Gibson, I’m terribly sorry about your unfortunate difficulties with your wife,

but she did commission a portrait and a contract is a contract!

-How much is the contract? -It’s $2,500.

It wasn’t an easy assignment, you know.

Mrs. Gibson could only sit for a few minutes at a time

due to her ill health.

You know, I think Raphael absolutely captured

the spirit of Mrs. Gibson.

Don’t you think so?

Well, I must really be going back to my gallery,

so, if you’ll kindly write me out a check.

Mr. Munroe, all I have done for one month

-is write checks for Gloria. -Well, I’m terribly sorry, but--

Do you know how much alimony I paid that...

woman?

$2,000 a month.

$2,000.

And if you think for one minute

that I am going to pay you $2500

-for this lousy portrait, you’re crazy! -But the contract...

Now get this cartoon out of here, I don’t ever want to see it again!

-I’m sorry, Mr. Gibson, I-- -When I say, "Get out of here,"

I mean get out of her right now!

Mr. Gibson.

I don’t want to bring a legal action against you

but I will if you force me to.

If you don’t want to make any payment now

you can send your check to the Tru-Art Gallery.

-Here’s my card. -Get out!

[sighs]

Just couldn’t leave me alone, could you?

You weren’t satisfied were you?

$2,000 a month.

It’s not enough, huh?

No, you won’t be satisfied until you get every nickel, huh?

Oh, you’re adorable.

Why didn’t you say something?

You realize this is the first time since I’ve known you, you have nothing to say.

You used to have plenty to say.

Yap, yap, yap, yap, phooey.

How ’bout one of your famous fainting spells, huh? Hmm?

Ah, ooh.

[sighs]

Ugh, boy, you’re sick in bed half the time.

You couldn’t get up, but you could get your portrait painted.

Sure, send me the bill, $2500, huh?

Ugh, I could give you one of the great shots of our time.

[doorbell rings]

Good morning, Edward!

Good morning.

What are you doing here?

Well, I just wanted to see

how my old buddy’s surviving.

It’s a little early for you, isn’t it?

I thought you never got up until noon.

Well...

Maybe I’ve changed, old buddy.

Yeah, that’ll be the day.

You still like leading the bachelor life?

[Edward] Oh, crazy about it!

I never realized how great it was till after the divorce.

-Huh? No regrets? -Regrets? Are you kidding?

When I wake up in the morning and realize I don’t have to look at Gloria’s face.

Oh...

Excuse me. Maybe I shouldn’t say that to you.

[laughs]

You can say whatever you want, buddy.

You can’t hurt my feelings.

Yeah, I can see that.

Are you still seeing Gloria?

Practically every night.

We hit it off pretty well together.

She’s not so bad when you get to know her.

Yeah, well I got to know her.

Every curler in her hair, every whine in her voice,

every phony little ailment.

I got to know her all right. I’m doing my best to forget.

-Paying a pretty high price for it, I’m sure. -[groans]

Two thousand bucks a month.

That’s a lot of scratch.

That isn’t all. Wait till you see this.

Is that a beauty?

[chuckles]

She had it commissioned before the divorce.

Sent me the bill.

-$2500. -Ooh.

Hey, Carl.

I’ve got an idea.

You like Gloria so much?

Why don’t you buy the portrait?

I’ll make you a good price.

[laughs]

I’d like to help you out, buddy, but you know me.

I’m always broke.

[exhales]

-No. -Huh?

I may be broke myself pretty soon,

these alimony payments are draining me dry.

That’s a shame.

Oh, yeah, I know your heart’s broken.

Of course there’s a way out.

Oh, sure, I could always jump off a bridge.

No, if Gloria got married again

she wouldn’t be entitled any more alimony, would she?

-That was part of the deal, wasn’t it? -Gloria? Marry?

[laughs]

No, only the world’s prize fool would marry Gloria.

I ought to know, I was it for two years.

There’s no hope there.

-Maybe there is. -Sure.

Maybe I know someone

who’d be willing to marry Gloria.

For a price.

Like me, for instance.

Are you serious?

You mean you would actually marry her?

Now don’t rush me. I just said "maybe."

Carl, I don’t understand you.

You know what a monster Gloria is,

but you’ve been dating her ever since the divorce!

You even gave up that beautiful brunette,

-what’s her name? Uh... -Marian.

Well, Marian’s OK, she’s a real nice dish,

but you know how it is, Edward.

Appearances isn’t everything.

I mean, Gloria may not be the best-looking gal in the world--

-How can you say that? -But,

there are other factors.

She can be very pleasant at times.

And very generous.

Yeah, well, I’m sure of that. With my money.

That’s, uh, pretty watch you have, Carl.

Oh, yeah, you like it? It’s brand-new.

[chuckles]

Did she have it inscribed for you?

Look, Edward,

I came up here to help you.

I figured out a way to save you a lot of money.

Least you can do is listen.

All right, I’m listening.

All right, I’ll admit that Gloria is no prize package,

but there are times where a guy gets himself into a real jam.

Are you in trouble again?

I’ve been running into a little hard luck lately, Edward.

Some very nasty types are breathing down my neck.

Gambling types.

You’re still at it?

I got an urgent need for a quick bundle, Edward.

I’ve got some debts that just have to be taken care of.

Why don’t you ask Gloria for the money?

Maybe she’ll give you some of mine.

Gloria’s generous all right, I mean,

she’s good for a bar bill,

or half a dozen new shirts or a fancy watch but, uh...

She doesn’t have the kind of spending money I need.

That’s why I came to you, Edward.

Are you making me a proposition?

[snickers] Well, that’s, uh...

Let’s say it’s more of a proposal of marriage.

I’m willing to make one to Gloria,

if you’re willing to pay me for it,

in cash, and right away.

Oh now, you’re not serious.

You wouldn’t actually marry her?

You’d be surprised what I’d do.

Carl, you better think what you’re saying.

She may be generous now,

but when the alimony stops she won’t have a penny.

She has no money of her own, you’ll have to take her just as she is.

I know that.

Oh, no, I don’t think you do.

She may not be so bad with a few dollars in her pocket, but...

You oughta see her medical bills.

She spends $500 a year on pills alone!

Edward, are you trying to talk me out of it?

No.

No, no.

No.

No, if you’re willing to stick your neck out...

How much money do you need?

I need, uh, ten grand.

If I don’t have ten thousand bucks by this afternoon,

I might have to lose my good looks.

But it’s got to be in cash. Do you have that kind of money, Edward?

-In cash? -Oh, yeah, I got $5,000 in there.

Say, if I can get the rest at the bank tomorrow--

-That’ll be great! -Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Suppose you propose to her.

How do you know she’ll accept?

Are you kidding?

No.

[laughs]

Edward, I don’t like to brag, but I’ve got a way with women.

Especially Gloria.

If I snapped my fingers, she’d jump.

How do I know you’ll go through with it?

I mean, I can give you the money today

and you could back out tomorrow.

I’ll do anything you say.

I’ll put it in writing if you want.

I’ll go over to her apartment and propose to her right now.

Anything you want, I’ll do, Edward.

I’ll tell you what,

suppose I call her from here, right this minute.

You wouldn’t.

I would.

Do it.

[phone dialing]

[exhales]

Hello, Gloria baby.

Well, you know how it is, honey. I had a choice of either dreaming about you,

talking to you in person, so I decided to get up.

[Gloria laughs]

It was a lot of fun last night, wasn’t it?

I didn’t mean that.

Uh, how ’bout dinner tonight?

Sure, 7:00’s fine.

Oh and listen, honey,

uh, do me a favor, will ya?

You know that blue and white thing I like so much?

Wear it, huh?

Listen, baby, uh...

You don’t like the idea of a long engagement, do you?

What would you say if I came up with a plan to eliminate it altogether?

I’ll see you tonight, baby. I can hardly wait.

I love you, Gloria.

I’ll see you tonight.

Oh, you really did it, didn’t you?

You’d actually marry that...

Like I said, I’ll put it in writing if you want,

just as long as I get the money.

Can I have it now?

Yes, you can.

$5,000 now,

$5,000 tomorrow.

And you know what I’m going to do?

I’m going to give you an extra $500

for a first class honeymoon.

Congratulations.

Thank you, Edward.

Thank you.

Oh, you’re so welcome.

Oh, Gloria, my love.

Brings a tear to my eye, I can see the scene.

The city hall,

your handsome bride groom.

You and your bridal gloves.

Hmm.

You better wear a veil.

-Morning, sir. -Morning.

Oh, could you tell me the apartment number

of Mrs. Gloria Gibson, please?

-Mrs. Gibson, sir? -Yes.

Oh, maybe she’s using her maiden name.

Gloria Bailey.

We have a Gloria Gibson at apartment 11-D.

-11-D, thank you very much. -Oh, pardon me, sir.

What’s the matter? Isn’t she home?

May I ask who you are, sir?

Why, yes, I’m her ex-husband. Edward Gibson.

Then, uh, nobody’s told you about her.

Told me about what?

It’s a terrible sad business, sir,

they did everything they could to help the poor lady.

The policeman, the firemen, the oxygen, but it was of no use.

What are you trying to say?

Mr. Seabrook was in the apartment at the time, sir.

-Do you know him? -Carl Seabrook?

I believe that’s his name, sir. He’s the one who told me to call the ambulance

about midnight last night.

They couldn’t save her. It was her heart.

Do you mean she’s dead? Gloria is dead?

I’m sorry to be the one to break the bad--

-Where’s the telephone? Where is the telephone? -She was buried--

Right there, sir.

[telephone rings]

Mr. Seabrook’s residence.

Where is he?

This is Edward Gibson. I want to speak to Carl.

Mr. Gibson, Mr. Seabrook...

I’m sorry, Mr. Gibson,

but Mr. Seabrook has gone to the airport.

The airport?

Did he say anything about...?

Well, where’s he going?

He just said he was...

Going on a honeymoon.

[slams the phone]

Goodbye, Mr. Seabrook, Mrs. Seabrook.

Have a nice trip.

We will.

Come on, Marian.

Those of you who were disappointed

because you expected First Class Honeymoon to be a love story,

will be glad to hear that subsequent events

were more to your liking.

While in St. Thomas,

Mr. Seabrook met a beautiful girl,

fell madly in love with her,

and she swindled him out of all his money.

And speaking of money, I should be back in a moment.

That concludes tonight’s entertainment.

We should be back next week with more--

[geese honking]

Well, I think I got aboard just in time.

Goodnight.