Original subtitles

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

Since you are accustomed to hearing

my brother Alfred at this time,

I shall allow him to make his usual announcement.

You may carry on, Alfred.

Thank you, kind sir.

I agreed to take part in this absurd charade,

only because I was assured

it would get us a booking on a certain

Sunday night variety show.

However, I’m not sure it’s worth it,

since watching us is rather

a limited form of amusement.

We have provided you

with some alternative entertainment

-here it is. -Hey!

Well, Arthur, what do you know?

I know I can’t afford to be seen with a known crook.

The boxing commissioner is very sensitive in this state.

We can talk in the dressing room.

Talk about what?

How you can turn $50 into a couple of grand

just for the price of a phone call.

We’ve only got a few minutes left

till post-time at Valencia Park.

Get lost.

The horse’s name is Sweet Salute.

If you don’t know a book-maker in this town

you can call New York for $1.20.

Like I said, the horse’s name is Sweet Salute.

[exhales]

All right, wake up, you blubbery slob.

[snores softly]

Too late to call your book-maker now.

Hey, the Soldier, how is he these days?

[groans] He’s alive and breathing.

But you can say the same thing for an acre of beets.

[chuckles] You’re so kind about it, Arthur.

When’s he going to fight again?

He fights Buster Bigelow, Tuesday night

in the local arena.

How do you think he’ll make out?

He’ll make out like General Custer.

Do you want to kiss that dead whale? He a friend of yours?

No, not personally, he doesn’t know me.

But gosh, I must have seen him fight,

oh, 10 or 12 times in the old days.

[exhales]

Boy, he was a great one when he had it.

Sure, so were they all.

They were all great when they had it.

[snores]

[radio announcer] In the first race at Valencia Park,

off and running at one-sixteen

Eastern Standard time,

the winner by seven and a half lengths,

-Sweet Salute. -Wow!

Target Bright was second

and Molest Me Not was third.

Why didn’t you say the race was rigged?

[laughs] It wasn’t rigged, Arthur.

Just the winner. He got special attention.

You mean the horse got a treatment?

Yeah, that’s a nice word for it, treatment.

Ah, no. Maybe you could’ve gotten away with it

20 years ago, but not today.

Not the way they go over those horses

before and after every race.

[radio announcer] In the first race at Valencia Park,

the official time for the sixth furlong sprint

was one minute and ten seconds flat,

a new track record. Sweet Salute

paid $88.40 to win,

52 to place, and $28 to show.

Target Bright paid--

How about that?

A new track record.

A pig like that?

Ha! In 20 minutes

they’ll be giving a saliva test to everybody in the state,

including the government.

It won’t make any difference, Arthur.

Nothing’s gonna show up in the laboratory test.

This was my masterpiece.

[clears throat]

You gave the horse the treatment?

Oh, no, no. The formula’s mine,

but you know yourself, there’s not a race track

in the country that’ll even let me look through the fence.

I gave a hundred units of the stuff,

that’s enough for one treatment to a groom, I know.

Today was, well, like our test flight.

Well, what about this groom?

What about him?

I gave my last hundred bucks and a clean syringe.

I had to know how the stuff worked

under actual racing conditions.

You trusted the guy?

Well, Arthur, sometimes it can’t be avoided.

And anyhow, the way I had it figured,

I couldn’t possibly get caught.

Come on, come on!

No. Now listen, Arthur.

This formula is absolutely harmless,

when administered to any form of mammal.

It works for 90 minutes,

it doesn’t show in the bloodstream

or the nervous system.

[exclaims]

Arthur, what I’m trying to tell you

is even if they do hold an investigation

at Valencia Park

why, it’ll be like frisking a Moslem picnic for booze.

we can do business together.

Could we? Why?

’Cause you’re as hungry as I am.

And a contact man that knows the answers

is an absolute necessity to me.

Horses ain’t my specialty.

And besides, I don’t like jail.

-[exclaims] -[groans]

The only livestock

I know anything about...

-No, Arthur, no. -Why not?

He’s a mammal, ain’t he?

Yeah, but that don’t make him a horse.

You just try picking up his feed bill sometime.

-Now, you wait a minute-- -Now, just a minute.

Did you or didn’t you say this stuff was harmless?

-Well, as far as I know. -All right then. Think ahead.

Think ahead the next Tuesday night at 10 o’clock.

Could this fat sheep turn into a roaring tiger?

Say he’s half the fighter he used to be, why he’ll knock

Buster Bigelow, boom! Right into the mezzanine seats.

Or could we pick up a beautiful dollar?

Got the stuff with you?

I could have, why?

Something you said a minute ago about a test flight.

Why couldn’t we have a test flight

right here in the gym?

I don’t know.

He’s gonna work out with a sparring partner

in about 10 or 15 minutes.

[exhales]

I’ll have to think about it.

Why? Because you hate money?

Oh, come on, Arthur, lay off!

It’s a matter of dignity, let’s say.

The invasion of privacy, is what I mean.

And the fact that he ain’t a horse.

What’s with the high class, intellectual talk?

Who are you supposed to be? Atlas Stevenson?

Give me a pencil.

How much does he weigh?

220.

Uh-huh.

The way I’ve got it figured out a hundred units is just right

for a horse in top racing condition.

The average colt weighs about 1,100 pounds.

You said he weighs 220?

Oh, give or take a chocolate pecan sundae.

Uh-huh.

So...

Comes out to about a fifth of the quantity.

-[Arthur nods] -I’d say 20 units.

Any more would be taking a chance.

Look how do you give it to him?

Injection, in the arm just like vitamins.

Oh, that’s great! Get it ready.

He don’t mind a needle, no, we give vitamins

to these meatballs all the time.

All right, Soldier, wake up.

Come on! Wake up! Wake up!

[both groaning]

He sleeps like a bear,

a season at a time.

[Soldier] Funny, I must’ve dozed off, huh?

[Arthur] Very funny.

You know he could sleep in a hammock full of cats.

Soldier, this is Doc Murphy from Terre Haute,

he just happened to be passing by.

Oh, nice to see you, Doc.

[Doc] Hello, Soldier.

[Arthur] The Doc’s a fan of yours.

Oh, that’s nice.

I appreciate you dropping by, Doc.

You know, the Doc’s got some new vitamins

that ain’t even on the market yet.

Oh, that’s real nice of a professional man

taking an interest.

Reminds me of a time in Cleveland

on fighting Ezzard Charles.

Never mind about Ezzard Charles.

I couldn’t have lost to a nicer feller.

Oh, will you shut up.

What I was gonna say, Doc--

Ah, would you just don’t talk us to death.

The Doc ain’t got all day.

You can’t buy these vitamins in the five and dime, you know?

OK, Doc.

You give the doc your arm.

Never felt it, Doc.

[inhales, exhales]

I never felt a thing.

[blows to the wall]

-[blows to the wall] -Hold it, hold it! Tarzan!

Hold that, save it for the workout.

[Soldier] Sure, hold it, save it for the workout.

-[Arthur] Yeah. -[Soldier] Sure.

It’s just that I feel kinda good.

Phew...

[Arthur] Now listen, Soldier,

yesterday this orangutan slapped you around

like a pound of salami.

But today it’s gonna be different.

Today you’re in charge.

Now, get in there and take him apart.

All right, let’s go to work.

[Arthur] Time!

[murmurs of amazement]

[heavy breathing]

Sorry, Gypsy boy.

You know what I mean? I don’t know what got into me.

[crowd cheering]

[both groaning]

[exclamations]

[crowd booing]

[exclamations]

[crowd cheering]

[knocks on door]

-[Arthur] Yeah? -[Doc] It’s me.

They’re all gone. Anybody see you come up?

Nobody that would have recognize me.

Where’s the Soldier?

He’s asleep, what else? Ain’t he always?

You suppose he suspects anything?

How could he suspect anything

when he ain’t got brains enough to have a headache?

How much we make in cold cash, Arthur?

It’s all right there in black and white.

3,500 from the TV,

2,800, plus some loose change from the gate.

I bet it all except the loose change

at five to one.

-So, who needs horses? -[Doc scoffs]

From now on it’s you and me, all the way Bootsie.

When’s he fight again?

He fights Luther Felix in Chicago,

two weeks from tonight.

Same TV producer,

only double the money,

plus 30% of the gate.

How about that?

Two weeks?

He’s gonna need more time than that

if he’s gonna fight anybody as tough as Felix.

Time? For what?

For what?

Well, for his cuts to heal.

I don’t care how sensational

he was in there against Bigelow.

You know, he got sliced up pretty good!

So what? He patches easy, like grandma’s quilt.

Oh, come on, Arthur.

You can’t do that to the Soldier.

Why not? Since when did that meatball

ever look like Robert Taylor?

All right, you guys, beat it.

I wanna talk to the Soldier alone.

-Is this a romance, Arthur? -Get out of here!

All right, Soldier.

It’s time to go to work.

It’s time for our vitamins.

Sure, Arthur, sure.

All right.

I don’t see Doc Murphy around no more, Arthur.

He sure was a nice feller.

I’ll remember to tell him that.

[inhales deeply]

[Arthur] That’s our fella.

You’re a great fighter.

Yes, you are. All right, let’s go.

All right, jab.

Jab, hook. Attaboy!

Jab, jab, hook, that’s it, boy.

Boy, you’re a good fighter.

You’re the greatest fighter that ever lived.

You’re a tiger! You’ve got seven sets of teeth.

Attaboy.

Ah, well, Bootsie.

Back on the big time.

New York City, a layout like this.

It’s the only place I feel at home, know what I mean?

You know, you wouldn’t have to sneak in and out of here

like a dishonest milkman if you trusted me.

Uh-huh.

What kind of a partner are you

that has to look at the books at 4 o’clock in the morning?

This kind, it’s the only time I can check up on you.

[chuckles] That’s very funny.

-Now, about the fight. -What about it?

Well, is this about it, he’s not gonna be in there

with just some Humpty-Dumpty this time.

He’s gonna be in there with the champion of the world.

Yeah, I know, Arthur, I’m listening.

Well, the point I’m trying to make is

the Soldier’s a national sensation

and we’ve got to protect the goose that lays the golden egg.

[scoffs] I noticed how you’ve been protecting him.

Every time he climbs out of the ring he looks

like he just fought a freight train with his face.

It took him several rounds to take care of Sonny Fialco,

nine rounds for that Irishman at San Francisco.

I got an idea maybe he’s building up

a tolerance for the stuff.

-What about it? -There’s this about it.

Instead of giving him 20 units this time,

suppose we make it 30.

Now, wait a minute, Arthur, you know th--!

This championship’s worth a million dollars.

A million for you and a million for me.

-I don’t like it. -[Arthur] You don’t like what?

I don’t like getting this last bit of mileage

out of an old re-tread like the Soldier.

Sure he wins, all right.

but, have you noticed lately

that every time he climbs out of the ring

his skull is lop-sided and he’s got

that same glassy look in his eyes.

Oh, tell me more.

Well, I say, give the Soldier a break,

let him get knocked out on the level,

quick and merciful,

well, then the poor clown can retire.

Will you say that again?

Look, Arthur,

I’ve been a crook all my life, same as you.

It’s kind of embarrassing to get noble all of a sudden.

Why don’t you go take a warm nice bath?

Arthur, I’m trying to tell you we never had it so good.

The Soldier doesn’t owe us a thing.

Look, there was Buster Bigelow,

Luther Felix, the Irishman in San Francisco, Sonny Fialco.

The Soldier came through for us like a four-horse parlay,

and do you know why?

Because he had 20 units of that stuff

pumping around inside of him each time.

Suppose he does win this fight,

just think of the punches he’s gonna have to take

for that open-doors style of his.

Think of a nice poor slob like the Soldier

walking around in his heels for the rest of his life.

-Oh... -Or going blind!

Oh, you’re breaking me up.

Now, if you don’t wanna have a nice warm bath,

try some booze.

We’ve got only the best.

Let’s let the Soldier off the hook.

Let him get knocked out quick and merciful,

and then turn him out to pasture.

Even if he ain’t a horse.

Oh, and another thing,

after this there won’t be anymore.

Won’t be anymore what?

The formula.

It was never mine.

-You’re lying. -No.

No, I’ve spooked a lot of horses in my time, Arthur, but...

as a chemist... [chuckles]

you turn me loose in a drugstore

and I could just about mix a chocolate ice cream soda.

I got this from Freddie Piltz king of the spooks.

Kind of a genius.

Poor guy died in Leavenworth last year.

No, Arthur, I’m leveling this time.

After this, there, there ain’t anymore.

You’re on your own.

Oh, and, Arthur, another thing.

Don’t give him any more than 20 units at a time.

Is everything all right, Soldier?

Fine, Charlie, just fine.

He’s got the nervous system of an oyster.

[knocks on door]

You’ve got 20 minutes, Arthur.

All right, come on, you guys. Beat it.

All right, come on, look alive.

Take off your robe, it’s time to warm up.

Sure, Arthur, sure.

Ah, it’s time for your vitamins.

[inhales deeply]

[Arthur] There’s 20,000 people

out there tonight, you know that?

-I know. -And you’re fighting

the champion of the world, now get that through your head.

He’s a real nice feller.

Oh, who cares if he’s a real nice feller.

You want me to warm up, pal?

No, no, wait a minute, wait a minute.

You know, this is for the championship of the world.

A few more vitamins can’t do any harm.

All right, Soldier, come on, give me your arm.

Now, stand still!

OK, jab, jab, jab, hook!

Attaboy! You take care of that bum tonight,

and you’ll be the champion of the world.

Attaboy.

Hook, jab, hook, jab.

Attaboy, attaboy.

Jab, jab, hook.

Had it, that’s it, that’s a boy.

Jab, hook, hook.

Attaboy, that’s it.

You flatten this bum tonight

you’ll be the champion of the world.

All right, come on, jab.

Jab, jab, hook, hook.

That’s it, knock it off, OK.

I said knock it off, Soldier!

What’s the matter with you?

Knock it off, Soldier. Cut it out, will you?

Knock it off!

Knock it off!

Soldier!

Soldier, please!

He’s dead.

That is the end of the story, I think.

Needless to say, Soldier was later apprehended.

I don’t know how you feel,

but for me, the story is merely a feeble overture

to the great amusement provided by our sponsor,

after which, Alfred and I, shall return.

Alfred has been strangely silent.

Alfred, what are you up to?

Nothing,

until next week.

Goodnight.