Original subtitles

[whistling]

Good evening. I’ve decided to take up touch football.

I understand it’s the thing to do.

The players are perfect gentlemen.

That penalty was not for them.

It was a clipping penalty and was called on

an overzealous popcorn salesman

whom I caught shortchanging a customer.

He’ll be penalized five cents.

However, he’s the best man they have.

I’m sure he’ll make it up on the next play.

I, uh, I see by the clock

that we have time for just one more play

before the halftime show

which is entitled "Servant Problem."

-Tina! -Oh, hello, Mr. Drake.

What are you still doing here?

When I left, you only had a couple more pages to type.

Oh, I finished those hours ago.

I thought I’d fix some hors d’oeuvres for your company tonight.

So you have.

Mm, good, very good.

-What happened to Mrs. Hoffman? -Oh, she came down with a virus or something.

I didn’t want you to get stranded, so I thought I’d fix the hors d’oeuvres.

You’re an angel. No, I take that back, you’re a genius.

I’m sorry about Mrs. Hoffman’s virus, but she never made hors d’oeuvres like this.

Sure you can manage without her?

I could call an employment agency and get somebody.

No, I really don’t need anyone. It’s just a few people coming,

Mr. Standish and his wife and the Coltons.

They’ll be here any minute.

-Mm, champagne. -Mm, sort of a celebration.

Standish has just agreed to publish my new book.

That’s wonderful. Congratulations, Mr. Drake.

Ah, congratulations to you.

-Delicious. -Well, I’d better rush home

and fix dinner for Tom and the boys.

A secretary’s work is never done.

Goodnight and have a good time, Mr. Drake.

Goodnight, and thanks again.

[doorbell buzzing]

[Mr. Drake] Yes?

Merwin?

What’s that?

Merwin Goff.

Merwin, it’s me. Molly!

Don’t you even recognize me?

Oh, Merwin, I’m so glad I found you.

Oh, I’m so happy I could bust.

Let me look at you.

Oh, you look marvelous. You’re a living doll.

Oh, Merwin, you’re even better looking than you used to be, you know that?

Molly...

Molly, for heaven sake, I’d thought that--

What that I was dead, huh? I bet you did.

My gosh, how long has it been now? 22 years.

I-I didn’t recognize you.

-Y-You’ve changed so much. -Oh, listen, don’t I know it?

I got fat, huh?

Well, you know, I don’t know what happens to a girl.

Remember how slim I used to be when you first married me?

You used to call me your little fawn, remember?

What? Molly, Molly you can’t. You can’t stay here.

Listen, it took me long enough to find you.

I’m not gonna let you get away now.

Oh, Merwin, what a place.

Oh, dear, it’s just beautiful.

Oh, boy, am I gonna like it here.

Eh, M-Molly,

I said you can’t stay here.

Listen, I’m still your wife, remember?

Molly, for the love of Heaven. It’s been years, 22 years.

Yeah, 22 years since you walked out on me.

You know, that wasn’t very nice.

You could have knocked me over with a feather when I see your picture in the paper,

in the society column.

And that girl...

that, what’s her name? That Sylvia something or another.

-Sylvia Colton. -Yeah, her.

I knew it was you, though, the minute I seen your picture,

even with that phony name, Kerwin Drake.

Ooh-ooh, boy, what a name you picked out for yourself.

Listen, it’s better than Merwin Goff,

I used to hate it when they called me Mrs. Goff.

Molly...

there’s something you must realize.

Everything about me has changed since those days.

-Sure. -Not just my name,

-everything. -Yeah.

You never did understand.

Oh, well, listen, Merwin,

I-I was just a kid. What did I know?

I used to hate it when you sat around that lousy old kitchen

with that broken-down old typewriter.

How did I know you were gonna amount to anything?

-I mean, you know, be famous and rich. -I’m not rich.

Oh, well, it don’t matter, Merwin, nothing matters now.

I don’t even mad at you that you walked out on me.

We just start all over again, huh?

-Are you serious? -Sure?

You think I left you because of some whim?

No, I knew it wasn’t working out,

that we were too far apart. That’s why I left.

And we’re 22 years further apart now.

-Oh, well, Merwin-- -You think I haven’t tried to find you?

I spent years looking for you.

Did you?

Only to make the break final and legal.

Only you never stayed in one place long enough for me to reach you.

Well, I was traveling. I like to travel.

Well, we can’t talk anymore tonight.

I got friends coming,

important friends, my publisher for one.

-They’ll be here any minute. -Is she coming too?

You mean Sylvia? As a matter of fact, she is.

Do you like her, Merwin?

-I mean, do you like her as good as you used to like me? -Oh, for...

Oh, well, never mind, it don’t matter, I was just asking.

Wait, wait, I’m gonna show you something.

A-What do you think you are doing? -Wait a minute now.

I brought my best dress with me, see?

Look,

you won’t be ashamed of me in that party.

Didn’t you hear what I said?

You can’t stay here.

Oh, don’t get excited. I-I was only gonna stay one night.

I got me an apartment on 48th Street, just three blocks from here.

O-Only they won’t let me move in till tomorrow.

I said you can’t stay here tonight.

Well, I got no place to go, Merwin.

You could go to a hotel.

Here,

here some money.

I don’t want your money.

And I ain’t going to no hotel, neither.

I’m gonna stay right here till we get things settled.

-Oh, Molly, please. -I ain’t leaving.

You can throw me out if you wanna,

but I’ll come right back.

-Now look-- -Oh, look yourself.

I’ll make trouble for you, Merwin.

You see if I don’t.

[sighs]

All right, now listen...

you can stay here tonight, but only tonight, understand?

-In the morning we can talk things over. -Oh, Merwin.

No, no, no, don’t touch me, huh?

I want you to go upstairs, right now.

-Yeah. -The first door to the right. It’s the guest room.

-Yeah. -Only I don’t want you leaving it for a minute.

You understand?

I’ve got important people coming here tonight.

And I don’t want you to breathe loud enough for them to hear you.

OK, Merwin, I’ll be as quiet as a mouse.

-What, up there? -Yes.

And remember what I said.

Oh, sure, Merwin, sure.

No, the publishing business isn’t what it used to be.

Kerwin can tell you that.

Hard to sell a book these days,

unless you can put a beautiful woman with an axe murderer on the cover.

Oh, please, Harold. You promised

there wouldn’t be any business talk tonight.

I find it very interesting.

-Don’t you, George? -Mm.

Oh, yes, of course.

I’m afraid you won’t get any sympathy from my father, Mr. Standish.

He rather likes those books with the beautiful women and the axe murderers.

Well, I don’t get time for much serious reading,

but I did enjoy your last book, Kerwin.

[Mr. Drake] Why, thank you.

-Sylvia? -Oh, I think I’ve had my quota for tonight.

But daddy’s glass looks little empty.

Well, thank you, Sylvia.

Kerwin.

What’s the matter with me?

I completely forgot the hors d’oeuvres.

Oh, thank you, not for me, Mr. Drake.

Oh, no, you must try these, they are delicious.

-I’ll go and get them. -Let me help you.

-Kerwin? -Yes?

-Is anything the matter? -Why, no, no, why do you ask?

I think I know you.

No, no, it’s nothing really,

I-I just feel a little nervous tonight.

Are you sure it’s just that?

Of course.

We better get back.

You really have to try these, they are terrific.

-Mrs. Standish? -Well, just one.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Oh, what’s that, caviar? I love caviar.

These are good.

Never liked these itty-bitty things myself.

-These are unusually good, Harold, do try one. -Mm.

Thank you.

Mm, thank you, Kerwin.

Mm, not bad.

Well, Kerwin,

I understand you’re already planning the next book.

Yes, that’s right.

As a matter of fact, I was thinking of the Middle East

as the setting this time.

Does that mean you’ll be traveling again?

Oh, I hope not.

Well, you know how I feel about background to my novels.

Mm, I need the touch, the smell of the places I’m writing about.

Yes, that will certainly makes sense.

But you wouldn’t be going soon, would you? I mean, right now

with conditions so unsettled over there.

That’s not really what mother means, Kerwin.

She means it wouldn’t be a very good place for a honeymoon.

Oh, well, I wasn’t thinking of it like that, I--

I thought I’d work out the novel first, and then later...

perhaps...

Well, I--

I think a toast is in order, don’t you?

To Kerwin’s new book.

-[Mrs. Standish] That’s a fine idea. -I’ll propose it.

Here’s to the book.

I hope it makes money.

[Mrs. Standish] Oh, really, Harold.

[Mrs. Colton] To you, Kerwin.

[Molly] Hello, everybody.

[Mrs. Standish] For heaven’s sake.

Kerwin, who is she?

What?

Oh, it’s my cook. Just Molly, my cook.

Molly.

Molly, why didn’t you stay where I told you?

I-I-I’ve told you time and time again to stay in your room when I have my guests here.

I won’t have you traipsing around the house this way.

-I know but-- -N-No, never mind, no, no, never mind the excuses.

I know you’re all dressed up to go out tonight, but...

you can go into the kitchen and...

wait for your boyfriend there.

Do you understand me?

Yeah, I understand.

And stay in there until I’m ready to talk to you, do you hear me?

I’m sorry, Merwin, I just got a little lonesome sitting up there by myself.

Go on.

I’m sorry about that, but...

tomorrow’s her day off and...

well, tonight she was going to live it up,

but I think her boyfriend stood her up.

What an odd woman.

Well, I’m sure she’s a very good cook, if Kerwin hired her.

[Mrs. Colton] She is, if she made these delicious hors d’oeuvres.

Well, as a matter of fact, she did. She’s really superb.

You can get used to the way she looks once you’ve tasted her food.

You didn’t let me know you were hiring a cook, Kerwin.

Didn’t I?

Well, it must’ve slipped my mind.

Yes, I hired her last week.

You are darned lucky to have her, let me tell you.

My wife can no more find a good cook than I can break 80 on the golf course.

It’s really is a dreadful problem.

Y-You have no idea how difficult servants are these days.

We’ve seven cooks in the last year, and each worse than the other.

We had to set the table every night with knives, forks, and stomach pumps.

Well, I-I guess I never thought much about it.

I mean I don’t eat at home too often, anyway.

What a waste.

Of course, I still don’t know if she’ll work out.

Molly, I mean...

She might prove to be, uh, a problem.

Never mind how she looks.

Just keep her chained to the stove.

Good cooks are scarce as hen’s teeth these days.

[Mrs. Colton] I certainly agree with that.

You hold on to her, Kerwin.

[Mrs. Standish] Heavenly.

You are a lucky man, Mr. Drake.

Yes, I... I guess am.

Enjoyed the evening, Kerwin.

We’ll have to do it at our place some night soon.

It was lovely, Kerwin, thank you so much.

Are you coming with us, Sylvia, or--?

I think I’ll stay a while, mother.

Now, don’t go running off to Pakistan or someplace without telling me.

Where’s that wife of mine? Come on, Lydia, it’s getting late.

Sorry, I just had to go in the kitchen

and compliment your cook, Mr. Drake.

-You talked to her? -Yes.

I had to tell her how much I enjoyed the hors d’oeuvres.

Kerwin, let’s have lunch together one day next week, OK?

-That would be fine. -I’ll call you.

-[woman] Goodnight, Kerwin. -[Mr. Drake] Thank you for coming.

-Thank you, Kerwin. -Goodnight.

-Goodnight. -[Sylvia] Mrs. Standish.

[Mr. Colton] See you later, dear.

-Kerwin? -Yeah?

Were you serious about that Middle East trip?

Well, yes, I guess so.

I haven’t any definite plans.

-Kerwin? -Well, there was...

no time limit set, was there?

Is that how you feel about it?

Oh, Sylvia, for heaven’s sake, let’s not make something out of nothing.

Aren’t you afraid you’ll spoil your appetite?

Appetite?

Well, we haven’t eaten yet, and...

I sort of assumed you’d take me to dinner.

Oh.

Well, but the fact is I’d planned to work tonight

Well, writers have their feeding time, too, don’t they,

just like all the other zoo animals?

I’m sorry, Sylvia.

Well...

I guess I better leave alone, then.

[Mr. Drake] I...

I’ll calling tomorrow.

-We’ll have dinner. -[Sylvia] If you like.

Come out of there.

You’ve caused enough trouble tonight.

Go upstairs and pack your bag.

Well, I’m sorry if I spoiled your evening.

Why don’t you let me cook dinner for you and Miss snooty-nose?

I’m supposed to be the cook, right?

What did you want to say? That you’re my wife?

Well, it’s true, ain’t it?

Only you had to say I was nothing but a lousy cook.

If you were a cook, I’m sure you’d be a lousy one.

Oh, yeah?

Well, I had a short-order job once in Phoenix and I was pretty good, too.

Only I ain’t no servant.

I’m married to you and I got my rights.

I told you to go upstairs, pack your bag and get out of here!

OK for you, Merwin.

I’ll go to a hotel tonight. Only tomorrow I’m moving into that apartment.

And you better come over there and talk things over with me.

You can do all your talking to my lawyer.

411, 48th Street, apartment 3-B.

Better come up at 12:00.

Oh, no, I won’t.

You better be there, Merwin.

[Molly] Just a minute!

Oh, it’s you.

Well, you were dying to get me over here. Here I am.

Oh, yeah, well...

OK, Merwin, come on in.

Let’s get this over fast. I know what you want from me,

and prepared to pay you $5,000 to stop bothering me.

Look, maybe we ought to talk this over later, huh?

Uh-uh, I mean, maybe we could have dinner in a restaurant, I mean.

With you? No, thanks.

We’ll do it right now. I want this thing settled.

I even brought my checkbook.

That’s not what I want.

10,000 is my last offer.

And that’s on the condition you agree to a quiet divorce immediately.

I don’t want your money!

And I ain’t your servant,

no matter what you tell your friends.

I’m your wife!

I won’t pay you more than 10,000 dollars, and that’s my final offer.

If you don’t want it, all right. I’ll fight you.

-I’ll get that divorce. -Oh, yeah?

Well, I won’t give you no divorce.

You ain’t walked on me twice. You don’t get rid of me that easy.

And I’m tired of being pushed around, you understand?

I’m your wife. I’m your wife!

-Oh, shut up! Shut up! -I’ll never give you no divorce!

Never! Never!

Merwin. Mer-- [chokes]

[grunting]

Mer--

[grunting]

[groans]

[latch rattles]

-Mrs. Standish. -Oh, I’m sorry.

I’m, I’m so sorry.

I--

came to see if I could hire your cook.

Last night, when I went into the kitchen, I asked her for her address.

Uh, when I heard your voice outside just now I--

I hid myself.

Please don’t hurt me, Mr. Drake.

I--

I only wanted a cook.

Ah! A cook!

No!

Help! Help!

Before we continue our game, I must tidy up the story a bit.

Kerwin Drake was put on trial for his crime.

And the judge threw the book at him,

which was exactly what Mr. Standish did to his wife.

But in that case, it was the cook book.

Please, rejoin me after this brief, institutional announcement.

Goodnight, until next week.

Now I must get back to the touch football game.

[whistles]

[continues]

Touché, touché.