Original subtitles

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

Before I begin tonight’s concert,

I would like to explain the structure of a symphony.

All symphonies are composed of two parts:

sounds and silences.

It is very important that you know

the difference between the two.

Perhaps I should give you an example.

This is sound.

[muted note]

[muted note]

Good heavens, I don’t like this a bit.

I was told I would be the only one on the program.

He’s as stiff as a board.

He must have been here some time.

To continue our little chat about musical appreciation,

for example of sounds, I know nothing better

than the next 60 seconds.

[Barret] Martha, why don’t you get me

a ticket on the first plane tomorrow morning to Toronto?

And get Mrs. Barret on the telephone.

You wanted to see me, Mr. Barret?

I sent Twining to Toronto to wind up an old litigation

and he’s tied himself up in enough red tape

to trim a Christmas tree.

I have to fly up there in the morning.

You know what that means, don’t you?

The Muldoon-Wright merger.

There’s enough work left on that to keep you busy until I get back.

I’m leaving you in charge.

I’ve given you everything I have here.

[phone buzzing]

-[Barret] Yes? -[Martha] Mr. Barret, I have

Mrs. Barret on your private wire.

[Barret] Thank you.

I don’t think you’ll have any trouble.

I’m sure that I won’t, Mr. Barret.

Good morning, Poopsie.

Did I awaken you?

Mrs. James Barret here.

[Barret] It’s me, Poopsie!

Oh, it’s you.

I’m flying to Toronto in the morning.

Toronto? Where’s Toronto?

In Canada.

Is that overseas?

No, that’s not overseas. Now listen, Poopsie.

This is what I called to tell you:

as much as I’ll miss you, we can’t have lunch together today.

I have an important conference.

Toronto...

Did you hear me, Poopsie?

Oh, yes.

Well, don’t worry about me.

I’ll miss you awfully, but...

I’ll have lunch with one of the girls.

Oh, darling. I’m sorry to be so terribly late,

but Gigi just wouldn’t eat her lunch.

Don’t be angry with me.

I asked you, my sweet, not to wear that get up.

It’s a bit like hiring a sound truck

to go through the streets announcing

that Mrs. James Barret is having a quiet lunch with her lover.

But I like to dress for you.

You want me to look frumpy,

you’ll end up by forgetting you love me at all.

Impossible.

I could never forget that.

I don’t believe you have any idea how far

that baby blue expression of yours could take you.

Phillip, it’s been so long.

A month.

A whole month without even seeing you.

You might at least have come to Irene’s cocktail party.

About that-- We’ll order later, thank you.

That’s the last thing I could have done, my darling.

You can’t help looking at me the way you are looking at me now.

And I undoubtedly would have made a dive for you

and the whole affair would have come crashing into the open.

No, there’s only one way for us to really be together.

Oh!

James is going away.

Yes, love.

James is going away on another of his business trips.

And we decided the last time what we must do, didn’t we?

Where’s Toronto?

Farther than James thinks.

I knew when he sent Twining off to Toronto

that he would leave him there just long enough

for him to make a rather thorough mess of things,

and the old boy would be off to the rescue.

[chuckling] He fancies himself

a kind of one-man cavalry charge.

I’ve made all the arrangements.

James will never reach the Toronto office.

What are you going to do?

Now, the less you know of the details

my adorable featherbrain,

the better for us both.

As things stand now, I’m completely covered.

I don’t want the details of James’ impending demise

to be New York’s favorite dinner topic tonight.

All you have to do is send him off to the airport

with a warm and tender farewell.

Farewell?

I’ll send you further instructions in the mail.

All you’ll have to do is follow them.

Then, after a brief period of mourning...

Oh, I look lovely in black.

-He was sweet. -And rich.

And generous.

Oh, you’re right, my darling.

You will look lovely in black.

It’s liable to be chilly up in Canada, Mr. Barret.

Did you call for a taxi?

Oh, yes, Mr. Barret. I did.

Well, did you tell them I’m in a hurry?

Well, of course I did!

Have a good trip, Mr. Barret.

Poopsie!

You didn’t have to get up so early just to see me off.

Oh, but I did. That was the first thing in...

That was the first thing I thought of when I woke up this morning.

"James is going away," I thought.

I must get up and see him off.

Gigi, kiss goodbye.

You make it all worthwhile, Poopsie.

That fool in Toronto’s enough to make me want to chuck everything.

But... you make it all worthwhile.

[doorbell buzzing]

Your taxi’s here, Mr. Barret.

Good morning, Mrs. Barret.

Morning, Harry.

You want me to walk Gigi for you this morning?

I’d like to have my bag taken down,

if you can spare the time.

Oh, I nearly forgot. I brought up the mail.

Oh, I’ll take it.

Goodbye, Poopsie, dear.

[Phillip] By this time, my sweet, your adoring husband is on his way to the airport.

Now, briefly, to business.

All you are to do is write James a good smarmy letter,

leaving nothing to the imagination of a policeman.

Mailed this morning, your letter should reach the Toronto office tomorrow.

It means nothing that James will never live to see it,

as long as it’s there for the police.

Send it airmail. The address is at the bottom of this letter.

Now, that’s all you have to do. Write it, mail it, forget it.

I suggest a small cocktail party in your apartment in the afternoon.

It will help you to forget and provide an excellent alibi

for a grief-stricken widow.

Need I remind you to destroy this?

My life is literally in your hands.

Yours forever and ever.

Address.

Barret...

Twining...

and Moore.

342.

Bay Street.

Toronto...

Canada.

[sigh]

Dear James...

My dear...

husband, James.

[sigh]

Oh, Gigi, what is a smarmy letter?

[barks]

Oh.

My dearest...

darling.

I know you will think...

that I am...

a foolish featherbrain...

for writing to you

so quickly.

Your adoring...

wife.

Poopsie.

Stamp.

Airmail.

[chuckles] Come on, Gigi.

I’m going out to mail a letter, Ellen.

What did you say?

Can I mail that letter for you, Mrs. Barret?

Oh, thank you, Harry, but... eh...

A little walk will do me good.

-[Gigi barking] -[man] Trudi. Trudi!

-[barking] -[Raymond] Stop.

Trudi, now, you mind your manners.

Oh, I’m terribly sorry. I...

Oh, why. Mrs. Barret, how nice to see you!

Oh, I’m Raymond.

Oh, surely you must remember.

That divine cocktail party at your apartment.

Oh, you give the most wonderful parties.

Thank you.

You know, I adore people who know

how to give good parties.

They’re such a wonderful therapy, don’t you think?

Oh, I’m giving one this afternoon. Do come.

Oh, fun! fun!

Around fivish. Bring friends.

Will do! Bye-bye!

Say goodbye to the pretty lady, Trudi.

You idiot.

I know you are snowed, Lotte, but I’m so desolate

whenever James is away, and...

and parties are such wonderful therapy.

You will? Bless you.

Ellen, I do wish you’d stop fussing around

and make some canapés.

-Canapés? -Hello, Collie?

But of course it’s me.

Oh, you’re sweet. Can-a-pees.

Well, I know I’m an angel for calling you.

How else could I invite you to cocktails?

[Ellen chuckling] Oh, cocktails!

Today, naturally.

No. Come as you are.

[chuckles]

Oh, Collie!

Oh, well. Around five, then.

All right, Mrs. Barret. Canapés.

You just hadn’t told me.

Do I have to tell her everything?

Oh, Gigi, what is Dodie’s number?

[gasping]

Oh!

Phillip’s letter.

Gigi...

Did you take Phillip’s letter?

I put it in the letter to James.

Oh, I couldn’t.

No...

[barking]

Wait! Wait!

Oh, Mrs. Barret. You didn’t tell me

how many guests to expect for cocktails.

Mrs. Barret, how many?

Mrs. Barret, don’t you feel good?

Can I get you something?

Little arsenic, please.

Oh, Mrs. Barret!

Oh, Ellen, did you ever do something terrible?

I mean, really terrible, like...

Like mail the wrong letter to the wrong person?

[laughter] Is that all?

All?

It’s the whole world crumbling, that’s all.

Well, why don’t you go to the post office

and ask them to get back your letter?

Go to the post office and ask to get it back.

[laughing] Sure.

I wonder if you could help me?

You’ll have to wait your turn, lady.

That will be one dollar.

Please, you’ve got to help me.

What’s your problem, Miss...?

Mrs... that’s my problem.

I mailed a letter to my husband by mistake.

I mean, I said some awful things. I was very angry.

And now you are not angry anymore.

No, I’m not.

Glad to hear that. Why don’t you go home

and write your husband a nice letter

and set everything right again.

But it wouldn’t.

You see, he has a very bad temper.

Please, couldn’t I just have my letter back?

If it hasn’t left the post office.

[Mrs. Barret] Well, look and see?

All right, lady. Take this form to the desk and fill it out.

But I just want my letter.

I know that, lady.

That’s why you have to fill out the form.

Put the full address here,

and down here put the location of the box where it was mailed.

Oh, it was the box on the corner near my apartment.

What corner? You have to put down what corner.

There’s a pen on the desk. Next!

Please, I must have my letter back.

Maybe you ought to wire your husband.

Why can’t I have my letter back?

This is a government office, isn’t it?

I’m a taxpayer.

So am I, lady.

I’m sorry, lady. That letter is government property, now.

Oh, it’s my letter!

Sent to Toronto, Canada.

I’m sorry, lady.

That mail left for the airport a half an hour ago.

Thank you.

I made canapés for 20.

Will that be enough?

Mrs. Barret?

Mrs. Barret!

His life is in my hands.

Now look, Mrs. Barret.

You mustn’t let yourself get all upset.

Mr. Barret is just gone off on one of his business trips

the way he does now and then.

He’ll come back.

Now look.

My cousin Hazel went through an experience just like this.

Her husband was a lineman for the telephone company.

Three nights running, Hazel dreamed

that he grabbed hold of a high tension wire.

Telephone company...

Nothing came of it, Mrs. Barret.

Hazel’s husband got fired. [laughter]

[doorbell buzzing]

Ellen, the door.

Oh, you’ll be all right.

[operator] Long distance operator.

Operator, I want the offices

of Barret, Twining and Moore in Toronto.

That’s in Canada.

[operator] You know the number?

No, I don’t have the number.

Ellen, how nice to see you! Come on in, gang.

Oh, don’t tell me we are the first ones here.

-Oh, that’s just fine. -Oh, don’t mind it.

Wait, you got to see this apartment.

It’s absolutely divine.

And there it is! Martini time!

[laughing] Oasis!

Where is the ravishing Mrs. Barret?

After all, we can’t drink without our charming hostess.

Where is Mrs. Barret, Ellen?

Oh, Mrs. Barret is in her bedroom telephoning.

Telephoning? Oh...

Now, is that any way to treat starved, parched guests?

-Perhaps just one. -[doorbell buzzing]

To settle the dust.

Mmm... Ah, thank you.

[Ellen] Oh, hello!

Hi! Katie, Marty, how nice to see you.

You know, I missed you at the Oliver’s. Hello, Mary.

Thank you, operator. Will you ring through, please?

Oh, please, let James be there. Please, let him still be alive.

Don’t let Phillip’s plan work.

[Raymond] Oh, there you are! [laughter]

Forgive not knocking, darling, but I knew you’d be dying of thirst.

P-Please, I’m telephoning.

Oh, but you needn’t. I’m here!

Oh... alone at last!

Don’t be silly.

-[operator] That line is busy. -What?

The line is busy. Shall we try later and call you back?

Oh, yes. Yes, please.

Come to the party, darling. It’s beginning to float.

Besides, nice people want to see you.

-Ah, I’m waiting for a call. -Oh, can’t wait.

Life is fleeting, life is short.

[Mrs. Barret] Don’t say that!

[Raymond] But life is short!

And the party leave behind those empty bottles in the sand.

Madame and messieurs, your charming hostess,

the ravaging Mrs. Barret!

[Mrs. Barret] Collie, you did come as you were!

Hello, nice to see you both.

Lotte, you look divine.

I’m a wreck.

I’m going strictly on nerves and vitamin pills.

My doctor says I am a medical impossibility.

He’s thinking of taking up astrology.

So this is what happens when the boss is away, Mrs. B.

We’ll have to do this more often.

The boss away?

Now, why didn’t you tell me that when we were alone?

-[phone ringing] -Have a yummy.

-Oh, yes. -Oh, please.

Please, that’s for me. Here, be a dear.

[phone ringing]

Hello?

[operator] I’m reading now on your call to Toronto.

-Thank you. -[operator] Go ahead.

Hello?

[man] Barret, Twining and Moore here.

Who’s calling, please?

His wife.

I mean, I’m Mrs. James Barret

and I’d like to speak to my husband, please.

He flew to Toronto this morning.

Oh, Mrs. Barret.

We’ve been trying to contact the New York office.

Mr. Barret hasn’t arrived.

He was listed as a passenger on the plane,

but he never registered at his hotel.

Hello? Hello?

You’ve been away from us too long.

Your drink is warming, darling!

[doorbell buzzing]

Ellen...

[doorbell buzzing]

The liquor store sent this over.

I’ll take it, Harry.

Oh, Mrs. Barret, I’m sorry,

but that letter that you sent to Mr. Barret this morning,

it came back due to insufficient postage.

Oh, what-what a shame, Harry.

Will you give me the letter, please?

I’ll see to the extra postage.

It’s all taken care of.

I put on the extra stamps and mailed it again.

I knew you’d want Mr. Barret to get it just as soon as possible.

Here’s the evening paper.

You have probably been wondering

about our friend in the other piano.

Rather than disturb him,

we simply buried him in his piano.

It was rather moving, really.

Like going down with one’s ship.

And now I should play the Minute Waltz.

[plays final note]

That was the fastest I’ve ever played it.

I suppose you’ve noticed that this piano

has only one pedal.

Because of my speed,

I had to put in an automatic transmission.

Next week, I shall be back with more music

and further explanatory comments.

Until then, goodnight.