All language subtitles for Alfred.Hitchcock.Presents.S05E23.Craigs.Will.1080p.PCOK.WEBRip.AAC.2.0.H.265.-EDGE2020_track3_[eng]

Good evening.

I have some advice

for those of you
who want to be performers:

Don’t blindly answer
an advertisement.

How was I to know
that they call themselves

the Doheny Brothers?

That is Ship.

That’s Towser,

and this is Bounce.

All right. And I’m Spot.

You have no idea what
I’ve been through this week.

Jumping through hoops...

[barking]

They’re jealous
because I can stand

on my hind legs
better than they.

It’s the only trick I do well.

Ours is a difficult
act to follow,

but I know someone

who is just
foolhardy enough to try.

After which,
we shall have tonight’s play.

[panting]

I see.

You had this compulsion
to become rich.

-Go on.
-[woman] Of course,

in these days, the only way
a girl can become a millionaire,

if she doesn’t inherit
the money, is to marry it.

But the only millionaire
in Craigsville

was old Wilbur Craig.

So my problem was,

how does a deserving young girl

pry lose all that money
from a rich, old coot?

Well, the first thing he did
to simplify matters for me,

was to die.

"...and so,
having amassed a fortune

which I leave, reluctantly,

I, Wilbur Orville Craig,
being of sound mind,

do hereby make my last will
and testament."

[woman] Old Wilbur not only
left all those millions,

but the next nice thing
he did for me,

was to leave only one
surviving relative.

Not bad looking,
not too smart,

but best of all: unmarried.

"Next, to my faithful
housekeeper, Martha Henderson,

who has served me well,

even though she has been
taking a seven and a half
percent kickback

from the grocer and the butcher

for the last 32 years,

I give $10,000

and 1,000 shares
of Craig Coal and Coke."

Oh, he was a kind and good man.

[sniffing]

Mr. Craig, will you sit down
and stop looking so happy?

Let’s try and remember that
this is the reading of a will.

Oh, I’m-I’m sorry.

Don’t see why we have to all
be such killjoys.

"And as to the bulk
of my estate,

consisting of more than
$800,000 in cash

as well as the securities
and properties listed below,

this I leave in trust
for the one

who has meant the most to me.

One whose high spirits
have brightened these last days,

and was always there
when I called,

my ever faithful, Casper."

Casper?

But you can’t leave a fortune
to a dog!

That’s true. I can’t.

But your uncle could and did.

And believe me, this document
is absolutely legal.

But I’ve been planning.

He’s just a dog!

-[whimpers]
-A dog can’t...

Wait a minute.

Casper’s got
to have a guardian.

I mean, somebody’s got
to take care of him.

I mean, like, who’s going to
help him with his income tax?

I’m coming to that.

"Casper’s guardian
and the administrator
of this trust

is declared to be my butler,
Sam Loomis."

Loomis?

But he hasn’t
forgotten you, Mr. Craig.

I’ll say he hasn’t.

He’s remembered everything
I did in my entire life

that he didn’t approve of.

-Which was everything.
-Yes.

"The income from the trust
is to be used

for Casper’s shelter and comfort

and the maintenance
of the Craig mansion

as a suitable home
and cultural background
for the dog.

At Casper’s death,

the estate will pass
into the hands

of my only surviving relative,
Thomas Craig."

Oh, that’s very nice of him.
But I need it now.

I’m sorry, Mr. Craig,
but all that your uncle’s will

provides for you at this time
is $1

and the right to room
and board here in the mansion.

Thanks a lot, Unc.

But I’ll take it.
And the buck, too.

And that finishes
the reading of the will.

[whimpers]

Man’s best friend.

[whimpers]

What’ve you got to beg about?

[woman] Tom had good reason
to worry.

He was now faced
with a loss even more
disastrous than money:

Me!

[doorbell buzzing]

Well?

-Let’s have a drink.
-All right.

Did they all put on
those phony tears?

Tell me about it.
I want to hear everything.

Everything?

Well, there’s really
not much to tell.

All right, we don’t have
to be hypocrites about it,

you can skip the details.

Just tell me
how much we’re drinking to.

Well, that’s really hard to say.

I know there are lawyer’s fees
and inheritance taxes,

but you can make a rough guess.

Yeah, but it won’t be a guess,
and it’s pretty rough.

Tom, how much did he leave you?

$1.

One what?

I don’t believe you.

But he wouldn’t dare!

You’re his only living relative.

This is almost...

What did he do
with all that money?
Who did he leave it to?

His dog.

His dog?

But that’s crazy!

He can’t do that!
You’ll protest it.

He was obviously insane
when he--

No, I can’t,
and he wasn’t.

And it’s all absolutely legal.

Oh, this is despicable!

That vicious old man,

leaving everything
to a vicious old dog.

That’s one
of the problems, honey.

The dog isn’t very old.

What do you mean?

Well, I do inherit everything,
but only after the dog dies.

After he dies?

Well, then Tom,

honey, darling, sweetheart,
what’s the problem?

The problem is,
the dog is only two years old.

With good care,
he can live to be 16.

Oh, I can see you must’ve been
through an awful lot today.

You must be very tired,

’cause my honey’s
not thinking straight.

Huh?

Maybe he could live
to be 16 with good care.

But how long with
a little bad care?

Hmm?

Oh, no, I couldn’t do that.

That’d be murder!

Oh, no, honey.

A nasty, mean,
old animal like that?

He’s just a dog.

But he’s a living creature.

And he is kind of
a friendly mutt.

-I know, darling, I know.
-But...

[woman]
It wasn’t too difficult.

I was asking for so little.

After all,
Cleopatra made Julius Caesar

give her the throne of Egypt.

How could Tom Craig refuse
to kill a mere dog for me?

The plan was
brilliantly simple.

What could be more natural

than a man going out hunting
with a dog?

A hunting accident.

Of course,
Tom wouldn’t be bringing home

what he was going to kill.

Casper,
you’re a good hunting dog.

You found a good place.

All right, sit.
Sit, Casper, sit.

[whimpering]

Now stay.

[whimpering]

Oh, look, Casper,
over there, not here.

Never mind. I’ll go over there
and you stay here.

Stay.

Now, stay.

Stay.

-[barking]
-Oh! It’s a dog!

Oh, I’m sorry, friend. Howdy?
Uh, you baggin’ anything?

Uh, no,
not much around here.

Hear tell, there’s a lot of game
up North of the hollow there.

Oh, maybe I’ll try over there.

Say, are you huntin’
with that dog?

[Craig]
Well, sure, why not?

Well, it’s all right, I guess,

except I never figured
that breed

-for a hunting dog.
-Oh, I’m told

he has a touch of hound in him.

I see.

Well, maybe I’ll try North
of the hollow.

[whimpers]

[woman] I know
it took a lot of courage

for Tom to pull that trigger.

But he was doing it for me.

And as I waited,
that fortune so close now,

it seemed an eternity.

[gunshot]

But then...

[barking]

[barking]

-You missed?
-You see any blood?

-What happened?
-Let’s get outta here!

This place is full
of trigger-happy hunters!

Now, don’t be upset.

We mustn’t be discouraged

because something went wrong
the first time.

We can very easily
find another--

Oh, no.
No, I’ve had it.

I couldn’t have pulled that
trigger in the first place.

Besides, look!
I almost got killed.

And you know why? Because I
was doing something wrong.

Oh, I knew it
from the very beginning.

No, it’s not right,

he’s a nice dog,
and as far as I’m concerned,

he can die
in his own good time.

But, darling,

sweetheart,

-my angel.
-No.

No!

I don’t know how
you could have asked me

to do such a thing
in the first place.

Oh, you’re right, dear.

I don’t know what came over me.

How could I possibly think

that you could hurt
such a darling animal?

We were just being selfish
and...

we’ll forget the whole thing.

Yeah?

Oh, gee, honey.
I’m glad you feel that way,

but let’s forget it
someplace else.

[woman]
Forget it? A fortune?

Just because he was
obviously suffering

from a hormone deficiency?

I wouldn’t even tell him
what I had in mind now.

After all, Madame du Barry
got what she wanted,

and not by telling Louis
everything.

Well, I hear ya, doll,

but, uh, just where
do I figure in this?

Well, to be perfectly blunt,
Mr. Noonan--

Now you’re talkin’.

I want you to dispose of Casper.

Well, uh,
I’ll tell ya, angel.

I mean, it’s a little
outta my line.

Like it would be a snap

if you wanted me
to follow this dog

or rough him up

or maybe get some pictures
of him in a motel.

But knockin’ him off...

Why? It’s not
as if I was asking you
to kill a person.

Well, no, but this is
a well-known mutt.

He’s an heir and...

Mr. Noonan, I was told
that you didn’t mind

doing things
that are a little beyond
private investigating.

-Well...
-I came to you in good faith

and told you things
I had no business
telling anyone.

You can’t back out on me now.

I ain’t backing out, baby.
I never drove in.

No, I’m sorry.

I’m willing to pay you $1,000.

$1,000?
Just to erase a dog?

-Plus expenses?
-Plus expenses.

-When can you start?
-I started already.

Why didn’t you tell me
you had it in mind
to be so generous?

No, this has got to look
like an accident.

Anything you say.

And, uh, by the way,

I don’t think
it would be necessary

to upset my fiancé
with any of these details,

-do you?
-Oh, no. No, no.

It’s just between you and me.

-And, of course, the dog.
-By the way.

-Yeah?
-You don’t like dogs, do you?

Only hot and on a bun.

[woman] It was up to me
to get Noonan into the house,

where he could do
what he had to

without looking suspicious.

You’re sure now
that cousin Vincent
won’t be in the way?

You know,
my place is so small.

Oh, don’t give it
a second thought.

Any cousin of Judy’s
is a cousin of mine.

Or will be.

Oh, Loomis!

I’ll go find Loomis.
He can take your bag up

-and show you your room.
-Oh, thanks, thanks.

Say, I don’t blame you
being angry at that mutt.

Keepin’ you from all this stuff.

[barking]

[whimpers]

Ah, he’s friendly.
Then it’ll make it even easier.

Get down!
You’re getting hair

all over my flannels.

-Come on, beat it!
-[whining]

Loomis, this is Mr. Noonan.

He’ll be staying with us
for a while.

-How do you do, sir?
Will you be with us long?
-How do you do?

[Noonan] Well, I expect
to wind up my business
in a couple of days.

I, uh, hope to make
a quick killing,

then blow!

Hello, there, boy.

-[whining]
-Nice dog you got there.

[Judy]
Noonan was very thorough.

He gave a great deal of thought
to the method

by which he would help Casper

to a lovely accident.

-[whimpers]
-Now, look,

don’t give me any of that
phony personality stuff.

-That don’t cut no--
-[Loomis] Casper?

Casper!
Oh, there you are.

Would you like
to have your dinner

in the library tonight
with Mr. Noonan?

[barks]

-Good evening, sir.
-Good evening, good evening.

-Uh, steaks for the dog?
-Filet mignon, prime.

He gets one every night.
He loves it.

What’s not to love?

[Judy] This was not
as simple an assignment

as Noonan thought
it was going to be.

I guess good things
never come easily.

I think warm is a better word.

This house is so
comfortably furnished,

all these beautiful
marble fireplaces,

even the sweet pup.

By the way, Loomis,
where is Casper?

He’s having his
after-dinner nap, miss.

[Noonan] Oh, he have
his dinner already, huh?

Yes, sir.

Uh, cousin Vincent, my Tommy
is a hard-working man now,

but, uh, I’ll bet
he’s finding out,

earning a weekly paycheck
is no picnic.

Oh, no, honey,

you know,
I’m beginning to find out

that Coal and Coke is
a pretty interesting business.

Besides, we’re going
to need the money

if we get married next month.

Say, Vincent,
can you stay on for the wedding?

Well, I don’t know.

My business
has just about wound up.

Say, Loomis, I don’t know
what kind of sauce

you put on this meat,
but it’s great.

Whatever it is,
it’s just great.

Yes, Loomis,
these meatballs are wonderful.

Meatballs?
You two eatin’ meatballs?

Yes, sir. I talked it over
with Mr. Tommy.

Yesterday you expressed
a desire for steak

and I didn’t have time
to shop,

so we decided
that Casper tonight

can do
without his filet mignon.

Well, that’s really swell
of you two guys.

Filet mignon?

How do you feel now, Vince?

Better, I think.

Gee, I wonder what
could have caused it.

Must have been somethin’
I ate...

l mean, yesterday.

Well, the doctor says
you’re out of danger,

but I better get this
prescription filled anyway.

Honey, will you stay with him
till I get back?

I’ll stay with him.

Mind if I let Casper in?

Poor fella’s
been sitting outside

-worrying about you.
-All right, let him in.

[whining]

You!

What do you mean, him?
You!

You’ve been here
almost a week now

and the closest you can come
to getting rid of that animal

is almost killing yourself!

I could have hired a moron
and gotten somebody
with more brains.

-[barks]
-Look who’s on my side.

Well, he ought to be,
the way you’ve been

taking such good care of him.

I’m just about fed up.

Now do you want that $1,000

-or don’t you?
-Sure!

Then he better be out of my life
and by tomorrow!

And I don’t care how you do it.

Push him off a cliff,
drown him.

Drown him?

I thought you wanted something
more than that for $1,000.

Something with imagination.

I suppose
I can make it look accidental.

-Then do it!
-OK!

Now, look, Casper.

It-it’s true I don’t know
very much about dogs,

but I guess as dogs go
you’re pretty much all right.

Uh, you mustn’t
take this personal,

but what-what’s gotta be
has gotta be.

I mean, it’s like as if
the syndicate sent a guy up.

It’s strictly business.

Personally,
you’re not hard to take,

but a thousand bucks is easier.
You understand?

[whining]

I see.
Yes, sir. Goodbye.

-Well, good morning, miss.
-Did they find him?

I’m afraid not, miss.

That was Mr. Tommy.
He should be back any minute.

And Casper wasn’t
at the dog pound either.

Oh, that is too bad.

If you’ll excuse me, miss,
I’d like to take one more look

around the neighborhood.

You just do that little thing.

-Noonan, it worked.
-Are you kiddin’?

[whining]

That dog saved my life!

He saved my life.

And anybody
that wants to kill him

has to do it over my dead body!

But you’ve got to,
you promised!

You can keep
your thousand bucks.

-Then I’ll kill him myself!
-Judy!

Tom, darling,
I’m glad you’re here.

See? Casper’s here
and he’s all right.

Tom?

Don’t look at me like that,
darling.

I was only trying
to do it for us.

After all,
you said yourself you wanted us

to spend our honeymoon
on our own yacht,

cruising through
the Mediterranean.

Well, we can’t do it if
the dog’s got all our money.

Darling? Sweetheart?

Lover?

[Judy] I could see that
Tom no longer loved me.

[whines, barks]

But Casper did.

And that’s when it came to me.

The one simple plan

that could still make me rich!

And that was?

To become a dog
and marry Casper.

[barks]

I lost the rest of my act.

Their uncle died and left them
a small fortune,

so they retired.

Now that you have seen
Craig’s Will,

listen to this codicil,

after which, I shall return.

After the humiliations
we’ve experienced this evening,

I think it’s time man
reasserted his superiority

over animals.

Until next week, goodnight.