Original subtitles

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen,

and welcome to Alfred Hitchcock Presents.

I should explain. I came down with a cold.

The broken leg was a later development.

These nurses can become quite forceful at times.

The National Safety Council has asked that I remind you

that most accidents occur in the home.

Therefore, this might be a very good place to avoid.

If you must be there, now would be an excellent time

to check for those items that may be lying around

and waiting to produce accidents.

Roller skates at the bottom of the stairs,

poorly insulated wires near the bathtub,

ground glass in the sugar bowl,

arsenic in the coffee.

Little things which, if you don’t find,

you may regret for the rest of your lives.

So much for accidents.

Now we come to the intentional part of our program.

Hey, shame on you, mister.

Hey, you’ve got my place there.

I come around here every day at noon, 12 o’clock sharp.

And I sit right there on that log

with my back to this piling.

Yes.

Matter of fact is, I’m two minutes late now.

[chuckles] Can you beat that?

I’m 93, and I haven’t been more than two minutes late

on any appointment I’ve ever had.

[chuckles]

Well, time is a science.

And if you make good use of it, it’ll double your life.

[grunts]

Yes, sir.

The only reason I’m late now,

I had to find my pills.

Uh-oh.

Yes, yes, I’ve got them right here.

[sighs]

You ever take these?

No, I’ve never have.

Greatest little old pill in the world.

Something new, they call it "Think-Ease."

Well, here goes!

Yeah! Yes, sir.

It’s a great life if you don’t weaken.

[laughs]

Better get your line in the water, there’s a big one right there.

-Huh? Where? -Right there!

Well, I don’t see it.

-It’s going under the pier! -Huh?

Under the pier?

-Now you see him? -[old man] No.

You will!

Mr. Treadwell, please, Mr. Bunce calls.

[recorder] This is a recording.

Recent scientific discoveries

prove that speech is the most common carrier

of the common cold.

Therefore, in the interest of public health,

we, in this office,

are doing all we can to eliminate speech.

Well, I do have to say a little something.

[recorder] Turn to your right, please, and state your business

directly to the telecom,

holding up any identification you have simultaneously.

State your business, please, to the telecom.

Time is pressing.

Well, uh...

I’m JJ Bunce. I’m here to see Mr. Treadwell.

Uh, I do have a card in here somewhere. Uh...

I’m from the SEG.

[recorder] State your business, please,

you have not stated your business clearly.

I’m JJ Bunce from the SEG,

here to see Mr. Treadwell, and I do have a card.

[recorder] You have not stated your business clearly.

Look, will you just let me see the guy?

It’s a personal matter.

In fact, you might say it’s real intimate.

[recorder] You have stated your business clearly.

Go through the double doors to the first door on your left.

It’s about time.

[recorder] We try to not give you a disease.

Why should you give us one?

Walk right in. You are welcome.

-Mr. Treadwell. -Mr. Bunce.

Oh, I’m sorry I can’t shake hands with you.

One of the rules of the firm.

We made a number of surveys, and we found

where there is human contact there is contamination.

Now...

What is this intimate matter?

Bunce. Society for Experimental Gerontology.

-[Treadwell] Oh? -You’ve heard of it?

No.

Mr. Treadwell, if you’re having this taped,

I’d advise you to cut it off.

Sit down, Mr. Bunce.

I’d like to give you a rough idea

of the work we’re doing.

"Society for Experimental Gerontology."

You’re collecting money for a hospital, Mr. Bunce?

Please, Mr. Treadwell,

don’t confuse Gerontology with geriatrics.

Oh?

Well, both words have the same Greek root,

"geras," meaning "old,"

whereas geriatrics deals with diseases of the age,

Gerontology deals with the social problems

arising out of age.

Especially extreme age.

And I may add, sir,

that the SEG is the most consecrated,

the most dedicated organization that I know of.

You seem to be something of a crusader, Mr. Bunce.

Sir, our outfit is the only one

that is facing up to the situation,

the most tragic situation facing our modern society.

Well, if you let me speak to my secretary,

I’ll have her make you out a check.

We’re not after money, Mr. Treadwell.

No?

Our outfit believes in helping you first.

Helping me?

Then, if you agree that you have been helped,

then you pay the fee.

Mr. Bunce, I’m in my 50s.

The way people are living today,

I really don’t see how can you help me.

Mr. Treadwell, I have been studying your case

for several months.

Believe you me, you are a serious case.

I’ve never been a serious case

of anything in my life, Mr. Bunce.

John Treadwell, college graduate,

lives in the Elysian Fields in Jersey,

likes sailing, owns his own home,

nine years of mortgage payments due, refrigerator paid for,

pool’s not paid for,

mother-in-law’s face lifting not yet paid for.

Where did you get this?

Late model car,

18 monthly payments yet to be made,

children’s education not yet paid for.

Otherwise happily married for 27 years,

two teenage children,

one older son and a daughter-in-law. Any errors, Mr. Treadwell?

Mr. Bunce, I have a great deal to do.

You missed the last paragraph, Mr. Treadwell.

It deals with your mother-in-law,

aged 82.

What about her?

She is your problem, Mr. Treadwell.

When your son married and moved out, she moved in.

She lives with you day and night.

And she’s driving you mad.

Mr. Bunce.

Mr. Treadwell.

According to the latest gerological statistic tables,

your mother-in-law should live, barring accident,

another 32 years,

nine months,

six days.

32 years, nine months and six days?

Oh, I beg your pardon, seven days.

That is, of course, barring accident.

What do you mean?

An old lady might climb up a step ladder,

she might, uh, slip in the bathtub,

tumble off a pier.

I always say, Mr. Treadwell,

that recognizing that we have a problem

is the first step towards solution.

Now, when you want action, just let me know.

Mr. Bunce,

I will not pretend that I’m in love with my mother-in-law,

but if you’re suggesting that I have her done away with,

that is the most fiendish thing I’ve ever heard of.

I’m a man of principle!

A religious man!

I’m sorry you got personal, Mr. Treadwell,

-I was hoping to keep this-- -Get out.

My card’s on your desk, Mr. Treadwell.

I’ll be expecting your call.

We thank Thee for our many privileges,

we thank Thee for the comfort of our home.

[loud banging]

For the comfort of our home,

we thank Thee for the nourishment of our food,

we thank Thee for one another.

[loud banging]

Lord, grant us patience in times of tribulation,

grant us strength...

[loud banging]

Yes, Mother?

[mother] Who the heck turned off my intercom?

We turned it off, Mother,

because we were just saying grace.

[mother] My TV set’s busted.

I want you to come up here and fix it.

Now!

Mother, he can’t come now,

we’re right in the middle of grace.

[mother] Why did he have to buy me such a cheap set, then?

I will come, Mother, as soon as we finish grace.

[mother] Hurry up or I’ll miss the Roller Derby!

Our Father, who art in space...

[loud banging]

If you’ll excuse me, dear,

I think I’d better fix the television set.

Never mind, I’ll serve.

You know what I’d do? I’d get rid of her.

-I’d just get rid of her! -Shh, darling.

We all get old sometime.

[loud banging]

Children, it’s getting late.

You should get to bed.

I gotta finish this, it’s my project.

Boy, people are stupid.

Stupider than you?

Look at this crate!

Twenty years ago they thought it was the greatest.

I’m trying to write.

Can you imagine taking four and a half hours across the country?

How slow can you get?

I said I’m trying to write.

[son] Oh, shut up.

[exhales]

[humming]

Darling.

Would you mind very much not humming?

Yes, of course. I’m sorry.

What’s that you’re looking at?

It’s a graph of the population growth

according to increased age.

Rather astounding.

Darling, is anything the matter? You seem so sad.

Just thinking.

If you’ll excuse me, dear, I believe I’ll turn in.

Dad, if you’re worried about something,

why don’t you take a Think-Ease?

I don’t need a Think-Ease, dear, I need to think hard.

And would you mind turning off that music?

But Daddy, it’s soothing.

-Yeah, Dad, don’t you know-- -I said turn it off!

But John...

The world needs silence. Silence.

Like the outside of space.

Just imagine how quiet it must be

beyond the last star, hmm?

All right.

I say let us live in that silence,

and no music,

and start thinking about the meaning of life.

Yes, and the meaning of death too,

because death has a meaning.

And believe you me, it has a function.

Boy, did he goof off.

Maybe he’s fallen in love or something.

Just be quiet, will you?

Well, remember three years ago?

When he went off skiing with his secretary?

He got mad then too.

[marching band music]

[music stops]

Why the heck did you do that?

It’s too loud, Mother.

You won’t be able to get away with this for very long, son.

Just as soon as my leg’s mended

I’m going to be up and about.

Mother.

My, but you’re getting a paunch.

[chuckles]

I’ve been sitting in this chair for eight weeks

and I look better than you do.

Mother, the noise is not good for you.

Don’t you worry.

I’m going to live to be well over hundred,

no thanks to you.

Fine.

But would you just manage to be a little more quiet about it?

Who wants to be quiet?

You’ll be quiet a long time in your grave.

Oh, you young people. You don’t know how to live.

You’re too solemn. You, you don’t enjoy life.

Did you do your setting-up exercises this morning?

No, I did not.

Hah, you look like a rumpled pillow.

You know, things are not the same as when I was a girl.

Thank goodness they’re not.

Change, change, that’s the great thing,

that’s the secret of life.

Used to be we lived to be 75 or 80.

Now the life span’s gone up to 125,

and no end in sight.

[chuckles]

So you just as well get used to me,

and stop turning off my intercom!

[loud music plays]

[recorder] Good morning, Mr. Treadwell.

-We hope your work day will be-- -Oh, shut up.

Come in, Mr. Bunce.

Well, Mr. Treadwell, are you with us?

And even if you aren’t with us,

I trust you won’t turn against us.

You know, the attorney general himself is over 80 years old.

One report about us

and we’re liable to end up in the atomic energy chamber.

Don’t worry.

Dear Mr. Treadwell, you still seem to have some doubts.

My dear sir, the tragic situation

is that by the miracles of science,

by sheer number, the old have come into power, they have the vote!

Mr. Bunce, you don’t have to convince me on theoretical grounds.

Then on what grounds?

The point is, I detest my mother-in-law so much,

I have to make sure I’m joining your movement

out of idealism and not through personal pleasure.

Yes, I see what you mean.

And have you decided?

[Treadwell sighs] How would you do it?

[Bunce] Well, you’ll have to leave that up to me.

Probably some household accident.

What if you bungle it?

How could I bungle it? I know her well, I know her habits.

You know her?

How do you think I got all that information about you, Mr. Treadwell?

I meet her in the park every Sunday

after you leave her there.

No, I couldn’t possibly tell you

how am I going to do it, Mr. Treadwell.

You might feel some sense of guilt.

Could you at least tell me when it’s going to happen?

How about Sunday morning?

You all go to church.

And she goes to the park because she hates the preacher.

Yes, I rather think Sunday morning might be excellent!

That is, if I have your consent.

It’s a deal.

Speaking of deals, Mr. Treadwell.

What’s this?

In signing a pledge to our organization,

Mr. Treadwell, you will be performing

one of the most praiseworthy acts of your life.

"I hereby promise to...

To pay you $2,000."

You never said anything about money like this.

The occasion has never arisen before, Mr. Treadwell.

But may I point out,

that a donation to a charitable organization such as ours,

is, of course,

tax deductible.

Oh, where’s Daddy? He’s going to be late for church.

I suppose he’s still dressing.

No, he went out.

Oh?

Yeah, he pushed Grandma to the park.

My, what a beautiful morning.

Darling, you aren’t even dressed!

You’ll be late for church.

I’m not going.

You’re not going?

Why, John,

you haven’t missed church in 20 years.

Not going.

Do you mind if I ask why?

-I’m going fishing. -You’re what?

Don’t look so alarmed.

But Daddy, you’ll get arrested.

Don’t you know they passed a new law?

No fishing on Sunday?

Who passed it?

Just last week.

The League for Elderly Democracy passed it.

That’s right, and now everyone has to go to church.

But Grandma doesn’t go to church.

That’s because she has a health certificate.

If you’re old enough, you can get a health certificate

and you don’t have to go.

That’s why there’s no one on the streets Sunday morning.

Uh-huh.

I hadn’t noticed that.

[daughter] Well, of course not, you’ve always been in church.

Doesn’t matter.

It’s decided: I’m going fishing.

Really, Daddy?

Now, don’t look so alarmed,

you don’t have to call a lawyer and have me committed.

I’m going to eat a big stack

of fresh, fluffy pancakes,

drowned in golden, sparkling syrup.

And then I’m going fishing.

Well, children,

we’ll go to church.

It’s called the Blessington Method,

after our founder, Mr. Ralph Blessington.

He saw the problem arising way back in the ’60s.

Young man, I don’t know what you’re talking about,

but I like your voice.

Of course, all forms of life

grow, flower, fail and fall.

It’s a soothing voice.

Death is the compost of life.

And what is more wonderful for this spring’s flowers

than last year’s rotten leaves?

Death is built right into the universe for the enrichment of life.

Now, what do you suppose would happen

if all the fish in the ocean

suddenly had the power not to die?

Why, in two weeks’ time,

the ocean would be so choked with fish,

there wouldn’t be enough water left.

All fish would die.

So when man, in his infinite mischief,

upsets the order of things,

infinite mischief is bound to result.

Young man, I don’t quite know what you’re saying,

but I know I don’t like it!

Turn me around.

[Bunce] Mr. Treadwell.

It’s done.

Death by accidental submersion.

Oh, dear.

Now, don’t feel too badly, Mr. Treadwell.

It’s in the past.

Forget about it, you must think about the future.

Think about your children.

Now you can have the pleasure of watching them grow,

flower into full bloom.

Think about your daughter.

Someday she’ll marry.

Yes.

Now, can’t you picture in your mind’s eye,

that handsome, strong, young son-in-law?

Can’t you just feel the warmth of his handclasp

as he greets you?

Wait a minute...

Are you trying to tell me that,

someday, somebody from your group,

will come and give my children ideas?

Honestly, Mr. Treadwell,

can you imagine those affectionate, devoted youngsters

ever possibly doing you the slightest harm,

the slightest harm?

No, I... I guess not.

Splendid.

Now you hold onto that thought.

Keep it close to you at all times.

Cherish it.

It will be a great solace to you.

And a comfort.

To the very end.

The doctor told me that I could take the cast off any time.

But I find I receive much better treatment

with it on.

As for Mr. Bunce and Mr. Treadwell,

even their advanced society

frowned on their activities.

By then, mothers-in-law were most numerous,

and even more powerful than they are today.

It’s something to look forward to.

Provided you’re a mother-in-law.

Now, until next time...

goodnight.