Original subtitles

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY TRIMARK HOME VIDEO

Children: ♪♪ LATE LAST NIGHT ♪♪

♪♪ AND THE NIGHT BEFORE ♪♪

♪♪ TOMMYKNOCKERS, TOMMYKNOCKERS KNOCKING AT THE DOOR ♪♪

♪♪ I WANT TO GO OUT ♪♪

♪♪ I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN ♪

♪♪ 'CAUSE I'M SO AFRAID OF THE TOMMYKNOCKER MAN ♪♪

BOBBI!

♪♪ AND THE NIGHT BEFORE ♪♪

♪♪ TOMMYKNOCKERS, TOMMYKNOCKERS KNOCKING AT THE DOOR ♪♪

♪♪ I WANT TO GO OUT, I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN ♪♪

♪♪ 'CAUSE I'M SO AFRAID OF THE TOMMYKNOCKER MAN ♪♪

HILLY, STOP IT!

♪♪ I WANT TO GO OUT, I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN ♪♪

♪♪ 'CAUSE I'M SO AFRAID OF THE TOMMYKNOCKER MAN ♪♪

MOM, MAKE HIM STOP!

FRAIDY CAT!

AM NOT!

STOP TORTURING HIM. GET READY FOR SCHOOL.

MOM!

HILLY, DON'T ARGUE WITH YOUR MOM.

COME STRAIGHT HOME AFTER SCHOOL FOR CHORES.

GRAMPS SAYS YOU'RE ONLY A KID ONCE.

GRAMPS DOESN'T PAY THE BILLS AROUND HERE.

AS LONG AS I DO, YOU'LL DO WHAT I SAY.

YES, SIR. OOPS!

DAMN IT, HILLY!

SORRY.

WAIT UP, HILL.

AND DON'T SLAM THE--

[DOOR SLAMS]

[CRASH]

HILLY WITHOUT ACCIDENTS

IS LIKE McDONALDS WITHOUT HAMBURGERS.

YOU WERE A LITTLE HARD ON HIM.

WELL, SOMEBODY'S GOT TO BE TOUGH ON HIM.

YOUR DAD SPOILS HIM ROTTEN.

WELL, THOSE BOYS ARE HIS WHOLE LIFE.

"30 NEW TRICKS.

"HOURS OF FUN FOR THE YOUNG...

PRESTIDIGITATOR?"

THAT'S MAGICIAN IN PLAIN ENGLISH.

IS IT OK?

IT'S COOL.

EXCEPT...

EXCEPT FOR WHAT?

DAD SAYS THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS MAGIC.

DADS FORGET THINGS BEING DADS.

THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS TO GROWNUPS.

BUT YOU'RE A GROWNUP.

NO, I'M AN OLD MAN.

KIDS AND OLD PEOPLE, WE KNOW THAT MAGIC'S REAL,

NO MATTER WHAT ANYBODY SAYS.

THERE IS EVEN A PLACE THAT'S MAGIC.

A PLACE?

YES, OUT BY THE ANDERSON FARM.

IN MY DAY, WE CALLED IT BIG INJUN WOODS,

BUT IT'S CALLED BURNING WOODS NOW.

NO MATTER WHAT IT'S CALLED, THERE'S MAGIC THERE.

THE INJUNS BELIEVED IT, AND SO DO I.

YOU MEAN THEY'RE HAUNTED?

YEAH. MAGIC SPIRITS.

YOU HAVE TO KEEP YOUR WITS ABOUT YOU

WHEN YOU GO THERE,

AND, HILLY, NEVER, NEVER GO THERE ALONE.

OK, DAVEY, LET'S USE YOUR THUMB, SHALL WE?

THERE YOU GO. RIGHT THERE.

GOOD. PERFECT.

YOU SEE?

THAT'S HOW WE FINGERPRINT OUR SUSPECTS.

SEE THAT, EVERYBODY?

OVER HERE--

COME ON OVER HERE.

THIS--THIS IS WHERE WE HAVE OUR CELLS.

WE PUT ALL THE PEOPLE WHO BREAK THE LAW IN HERE.

DOWN HERE,

THIS IS THE DISPATCHER'S STATION,

WHERE MRS. PAULSON ANSWERS ALL THE IMPORTANT POLICE CALLS.

DON'T YOU, MRS. PAULSON?

[DING DING]

YES, I DO.

OK. COME ON IN HERE.

LET'S GO SEE THE SCHOOLROOM.

THIS IS THE BEST PART. COME ON.

YOU SEE, WHEN I WAS A LITTLE GIRL,

MY PARENTS USED TO TRAVEL A LOT.

EVERY TIME THEY WENT TO A NEW COUNTRY,

THEY BROUGHT ME ANOTHER DOLL,

SO I HAVE DOLLS FROM AFRICA, EAST ASIA,

AND FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD.

ARE DOLLIES YOUR HOBBY?

OH, YES, THEY ARE MY HOBBY.

MY FRIENDS KNOW THAT I LIKE THEM

SO WHENEVER THEY TRAVEL, THEY BRING ME ONE.

NO, WE DON'T WANT TO BREAK ANYTHING.

THAT'S ALL RIGHT. JOJO'S NEVER BEEN BROKEN.

GO AHEAD. PULL THAT.

Doll: MY NAME IS JOJO. WHAT'S YOURS?

GRRR!

THEY'RE BAD! I'M SCARED!

DAVEY, IT'S OK, SWEETHEART.

COME ON, CHILDREN.

TELL YOU WHAT.

WHY DON'T YOU COME BACK SOME OTHER TIME,

AND WE'LL SEE THEM TOGETHER?

ALL ALONE. JUST YOU AND ME.

ALL RIGHT? BYE, DAVEY.

BYE.

NOW, ONE OF YOU SCARED THAT LITTLE BOY.

COME ON.

WHICH ONE OF YOU SCARED THAT LITTLE BOY?

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

[RING]

[RING]

YEAH, HAVEN POST OFFICE. JOE PAULSON.

HI, JOE. IT'S ME.

HI, HON.

BE RIGHT HOME AT 6:00.

I'M MAKING THAT CHICKEN KIEV RUSSKIES EAT.

SQUIRTS BUTTER WHEN YOU STICK YOUR FORK IN IT.

HONEY, I HAVE TO WORK LATE TONIGHT.

OH, JOE, COME ON! NOT AGAIN.

YOU KNOW THAT NEW POSTMISTRESS

IS A REAL TYRANT.

OH, YEAH, HONEY.

SHE'S MUCH HARDER ON ME THAN OLD CHARLIE ESTABROOKE.

YOU TELL HER FOR ME

THAT BECKA PAULSON LIKES HER HUSBAND HOME FOR DINNER.

HONEY, I WILL. I GOT TO GO NOW.

Becka: BYE.

THAT WOMAN'S GOING TO BE THE DEATH OF HIM.

HMM!

ARE YOU READY?

AM I READY? IS THAT YOUR QUESTION?

IT'S LIKE THE SIGN SAYS--

NEITHER SNOW NOR RAIN NOR...

SLEET...

NOR GLOOM OF NIGHT...

CAN STAY THESE COURIERS...

FROM THE SWIFT COMPLETION...

AW, JEEZ!

Both: OF THEIR APPOINTED ROUNDS.

TO BE BURIED IN BUFFALO SKINS...

[TYPEWRITER CARRIAGE RETURNS]

RATHER THAN IN COTTON CLOTHES.

UGH!

[WHINES]

WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?

[ARF]

WANT TO GET OUT OF HERE?

OK. LET'S GO. COME ON.

[ARF]

COME ON.

OH, ALL RIGHT. ONE MORE TIME.

READY?

READY?

GO GET IT.

GO GET IT.

[WHINING]

WHAT'S THE MATTER?

YOU CAN'T SEE WHERE IT WENT?

WHERE DID IT GO?

[ARF ARF]

OH.

OH, WOW!

I'M OK. I'M OK.

WHAT, WHAT, WHAT?

WHAT? WHAT'S THE MATTER?

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?

WHAT? IT'S JUST A CAN.

HERE IT IS.

OW!

WOW.

WEIRD.

UH...

[HOWLING]

[GRRR]

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU, HUH?

[ARF ARF]

[HOWLING]

OK, OK. WE'LL GO HOME.

COME ON.

COME ON.

I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET

A NEW FRIEND OF OURS FROM MAINE--JAMES GARDENER.

HI, I'M JIM, AND I'M AN ALCOHOLIC.

All: HI, JIM.

I HAVEN'T HAD A DRINK IN ABOUT A YEAR NOW,

NOT THAT I DON'T WANT ONE ALL THE TIME.

THE HELL I DON'T.

THE THING WITH ME AND BOOZE IS

I HAVE A BAD CONTAINMENT SYSTEM.

THERE'S THIS TECHNICIAN IN HERE

THAT SHOULD'VE BEEN FIRED LONG AGO.

AND WHEN I DRINK, I, UH...

I TURN INTO THIS STRANGER

WHO DOES THE STUPIDEST, CRAZY THINGS.

MONSTER.

AND MY FRIEND BOBBI,

SHE ALWAYS SAYS "KNOWING IS ONE THING,

"BUT DOING SOMETHING ABOUT IT IS, UH...

IS ANOTHER."

WELL, ANYWAY, THE PROBLEM IS

I'VE GOT THIS POEM I HAVE TO READ IN PUBLIC.

IT'S PROBABLY THE LAST CHANCE I'LL HAVE

TO SEE IF I CAN HACK IT ON THE CIRCUIT AS A POET.

OR JUST HANG UP MY JOCK.

AND, UH...

I'M SCARED TO DEATH

I'M GOING TO NEED A DRINK TO DO IT.

I'M SCARED TO DEATH.

I APPRECIATE YOU BRINGING THIS, BUTCH,

BUT YOU COULD'VE CALLED IT IN OR FAXED IT TO ME.

ALL PART OF THE SERVICE, RUTHIE.

THANK YOU.

WELL-- UM...

ANY PLANS ON COMING UP TO DERRY SOON?

NO, NOT IN THE NEAR FUTURE. WHY?

NO REASON.

JUST WONDERING.

YEAH.

LADIES.

BYE, BUTCH.

GOOD-BYE.

WHAT?

I THINK HE'S SWEET ON YOU.

DON'T BE RIDICULOUS.

I'LL BE BACK IN AN HOUR. ANYTHING NEW?

QUIET ON THIS FRONT, CAPTAIN.

WHEN ARE YOU GONNA ASK THAT MERRILL WOMAN OUT?

HAVEN'T YOU GOT SOMETHING BETTER TO DO

THAN WORRY ABOUT MY PRIVATE LIFE?

LIKE CHECKING ALL THE DINERS

IN NORTHERN MAINE FOR HEALTH VIOLATIONS?

BARK ALL YOU WANT.

BECAUSE SHE WAS YOUR PARTNER'S WIFE

AND A DAMN FINE CONSTABLE BESIDES,

IS NO REASON NOT TO SPEAK YOUR HEART.

LET IT BE, FELLAS.

BEN'S RIGHT. TIME'S GOING BY.

NEITHER OF YOU IS GETTING YOUNGER.

BECKA.

HMM?

GET AWAY FROM THAT WINDOW

AND GO BACK TO WORK, PLEASE.

ALL RIGHT.

[THUNDER]

HILLY?

GO TO SLEEP, KIDDO.

WHAT ABOUT YOU?

I'M READING ABOUT HARRY HOUDINI.

WHO'S THAT?

THE GREATEST MAGICIAN IN HISTORY.

I'M GONNA BE JUST LIKE HIM SOMEDAY.

GO TO SLEEP, KID.

THAT HOT WATER HEATER IS REALLY SHOT.

I THOUGHT I'D GET A NEW ONE WHILE YOU'RE GONE.

SEE IF YOU CAN KEEP IT GOING.

I'LL BUY A NEW ONE WHEN I GET BACK.

OK. PETE AND I FOUND A GREAT CACHE OF FIREWOOD.

MM-HMM.

HAVEN'T STARTED THE NOVEL, HUH?

JUST BECAUSE I'M A LITTLE BLOCKED,

THAT'S NO REASON TO RUB IT IN.

SO THAT SEXY YOUNG SCHOOL MARM

AND THE GRUFF BUFFALO HUNTER,

THEY HAVEN'T GOTTEN TOGETHER YET?

I HATE YOU.

YOU OK?

HEY, NEVER BETTER, BOBBI.

NEVER BETTER.

[THUNDER]

[WHINING]

[ARF]

[ARF ARF]

[HOWLING]

IT'S JUST A STORM, BUDDY.

IT'S JUST A STORM. GO BACK TO SLEEP.

MM-MM. HERE'S SOME NICE MUSH

FOR THOSE OLD TEETH.

SO, IT'S NOT MY IMAGINATION, RIGHT?

HIS RIGHT EYE VISION DOES SEEM TO BE RETURNING.

LET'S TAKE A CLOSER LOOK.

[SNARLS]

HEY.

HEY!

SORRY, HE'S NOT LIKE THIS.

PETER!

DR. ETHERIDGE, COME QUICK.

I'M AFRAID YOU'LL HAVE TO EXCUSE ME.

HEY, HEY, HEY.

WHAT'S--HEY!

HEY.

[ARF ARF]

[ARF ARF]

HEY!

LADY, WHY DON'T YOU GET YOUR DOG OUT OF HERE?

LET'S GO.

OUR LAST POET IS NO STRANGER

TO THOSE WHO REMEMBER RAGING ANGEL,

THE BOOK CRITICS CLAIMED GAVE AUTHORITATIVE VOICE

TO THE ANGST OF THE LAST DECADE.

I TRUST HE'LL PROVIDE US WITH A MEMORABLE FINISH,

READING US HIS LATEST WORK.

FRIENDS OF NEW POETRY,

I GIVE YOU JAMES ERIC GARDENER.

[APPLAUSE]

Gardener.

[TAPPING]

GOOD EVENING.

I WAS, UH...

GOING TO TRY TO LIVE UP TO MY REPUTATION

AND READ SOMETHING NEW AND ANGRY TONIGHT,

BUT INSTEAD, I THINK I'LL BE A LITTLE UNPREDICTABLE

AND READ SOMETHING FROM MY FIRST BOOK.

IT'S A LOVE POEM CALLED ONE MORE MILE.

IT'S FOR BOBBI ANDERSON.

"ONLY FOR YOU."

"I WAS RAISED TO BELIEVE GOD WAS LOVE,

"BUT HOW LOVING CAN GOD BE

"WHEN HE MAKES MEN AND WOMEN

"SMART ENOUGH TO LAND ON THE MOON

"BUT STUPID ENOUGH TO HAVE TO LEARN

"THAT THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS FOREVER,

"ONLY TO HAVE TO LEARN IT OVER AND OVER AGAIN.

"ONE MORE MILE.

"JUST ONE MORE MILE.

"THEN ONE DAY I DREAMED

"I FOUND YOU...

"ILLUSION MADE SUBSTANCE,

"IN A DREAM REALER THAN ANY MIRAGE

"YOUR EYES LOOKED UP AT ME AND SAW

"THE ME I WISH I WAS.

"AND AFTER ALL THESE DOUBTS AND ALL THESE FEARS,

"AFTER ALL THESE QUESTIONS WITHOUT ANSWERS

"AND DREAMS WITHOUT SUBSTANCE,

I JOURNEYED HOME."

"ONE MORE MILE.

JUST ONE LAST MILE."

"AND THERE YOU WERE."

THANK YOU. THANK YOU.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

ARE YOU RINGING THE RIGHT ROOM?

HE'S WITH THE NEW ENGLAND POETRY CARAVAN.

I HAVE BEEN RINGING, MA'AM.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO LEAVE A MESSAGE?

JUST TELL HIM-- NEVER MIND.

NO, THANKS. I'LL JUST TRY LATER.

WELL, HE'D SEE IT ALL RIGHT.

HE'D SAY, "BOBBI, CATARACTS DON'T RECEDE."

"YOU'VE GOT TO FIND OUT WHERE'S HE'S BEEN

AND WHAT HE'S GOTTEN INTO."

WELL, BUDDY, I KNOW WHERE YOU'VE BEEN.

I'M GOING TO TAKE A BETTER LOOK.

[WHINES]

[ARF ARF]

HERE. COME HERE.

OK. LISTEN.

I DON'T WANT YOU GOING WITH ME,

'CAUSE I DON'T WANT YOU FREAKING OUT.

GO BACK TO THE HOUSE. GO ON.

GOOD BOY.

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU?

MY FOLKS WILL KILL ME

IF THEY FIND OUT WE WERE HERE.

WHO'S GOING TO TELL THEM?

GRAMPS SAYS THIS IS WHERE THE MICKMACK INDIANS

USED TO PRAY TO THEIR GODS.

GIVE ME A BREAK!

REALLY.

THEY BELIEVED THIS WAS A PLACE OF MAGIC,

IN-BETWEEN THE SPIRIT WORLD AND THE REAL.

UGH!

GROSS!

WHOA. WHAT DO YOU THINK KILLED IT?

PROBABLY ATE SOME POISONED BAIT.

YEAH, OR MAYBE IT WAS A SACRIFICE TO THE GODS.

YEAH.

SHH!

[HUMMING SOUND]

WHAT?

DON'T YOU HEAR IT?

GRAMPS WAS RIGHT.

HILLY.

RUN, BARNEY!

WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING HERE?

SHOULDN'T BE ALONE IN THE WOODS.

LET'S GO CALL YOUR DAD. HE'LL COME PICK YOU UP.

DRINK, SIR?

UH...

TONIC WATER, PLEASE.

I THOUGHT YOUR POEM

WAS WONDERFUL TONIGHT, MR. GARDENER.

THANKS VERY MUCH, SON.

HEY, MY FRIENDS CALL ME JIM.

THANKS.

EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT, GARDENER?

PATRICIA, I DIDN'T KNOW YOU CARED.

TONIC WATER.

I'M DUBIOUS.

YES, YOU ALWAYS HAVE BEEN,

BUT YOU'RE REALLY TICKED OFF.

I GOT THE BIGGEST HAND OF THE DAY.

I PAY YOU TO READ NEW POETRY, NOT OLD STUFF.

WHEN'S THE LAST POEM YOU WROTE THAT GOT PUBLISHED

OR THAT WAS ANY GOOD?

YOU MAY FOOL THEM, BUT YOU DON'T FOOL ME.

YOU'RE NOTHING BUT A DRUNK, GARDENER.

ALWAYS WERE, ALWAYS WILL BE.

WHY DON'T WE ADD SOME VODKA TO THAT?

WHATEVER YOU SAY, MR. GARDENER.

I SAY, ON SECOND THOUGHT...

HOLD THE TONIC.

HI, PEARL. HOW ARE YOU?

HI, SHERIFF.

WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU?

JUST MY USUAL WASH AND FLUFF.

DON'T LISTEN TO A WORD SHE SAYS.

YOU GOT TO DOLL HER ALL UP.

SHE'S GOT A BIG DATE.

DO YOU MIND?

BIG.

STOP IT.

SHE'S GOING TO THE MOVIES WITH BUTCH DUGAN.

TELL THE WORLD, WHY DON'T YOU?

WE'LL ZIP YOU INTO ONE OF THOSE OUTFITS

LIKE MICHELLE PFEIFFER WEARS.

JUST MY REGULAR, PEARL, PLEASE.

CAN YOU SHOW HER

SOME OF THAT NEW POLISH AND LIPSTICK

THAT YOU GOT IN?

YES, YES. FINAL PASSION.

NO!

NO. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

THAT'S WHERE I DRAW THE LINE, GIRLS.

AW! AW!

RUTH'S RIGHT. WE DON'T WANT OUR SHERIFF

PARADING AROUND TOWN LOOKING LIKE A FLOOZY.

Besides, I just sold the last set to our postmistress.

GOOD. I'M GLAD TO HEAR THAT.

LADIES.

HI, NANCY. HI, NANCY.

WELL, THEN...

BYE-BYE, EVERYONE.

BYE, NANCY.

THAT WAS CLOSE.

YEAH, YEAH.

WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?

BOBBI ANDERSON'S WOODS.

Marie: NOT BURNING WOODS?

AFTER ALL THAT WE'VE TOLD YOU

ABOUT NOT GOING IN THERE?

YOU WERE RIGHT, GRAMPS. THE WOODS ARE MAGIC.

UPSTAIRS, YOUNG MAN.

BAD MAGIC.

NOT ANOTHER WORD.

WELL, EV HILLMAN,

THIS LOOKS LIKE YOUR FAULT.

THE BOY'S ALWAYS JUMPING AROUND.

I WAS THE SAME.

IF YOU'RE GONNA LIVE UNDER MY ROOF,

WOULD YOU PLEASE LIVE BY MY RULES?

EV.

I'M SORRY.

[SIGHS]

ARE YOU OK?

I GOT A HELL OF A HEADACHE.

I THINK SOMETHING BIT ME OUT THERE

WHEN I WAS PICKING UP HILLY.

THAT SUMMER FLU'S GOING AROUND.

I'LL CALL DOC WARD.

NO. HE'LL JUST TELL ME TO DRINK LOTS OF WATER

AND GET PLENTY OF REST.

PSST. WHAT'S HIS NAME AGAIN?

NO, NO, NO, NO. DON'T TELL ME.

IT'S THAT SOUND YOU MAKE WHEN YOU GARGLE.

ARGLEBARGLE.

THAT'S IT, ISN'T IT?

ARGLEBARGLE.

WELL, ARBERG, ACTUALLY.

NO. ARGLEBARGLE SOUNDS SO MUCH BETTER,

DON'T YOU THINK?

MR. ARGLEBARGLE, HELLO.

MAYBE YOU'D BETTER CALL IT A NIGHT.

YES. MAYBE YOU'RE RIGHT.

MAYBE I SHOULD JUST GO HOME,

GET A GOOD NIGHT'S SLEEP,

AND LIVE TO WRITE ANOTHER DAY.

TO FIGHT... ANOTHER DAY.

THE AMERICAN PEOPLE HAVE FINALLY GOT

THIS CHERNOBYL BUSINESS INTO PERSPECTIVE

SO WE CAN GO AHEAD WITH THE NEW PLANT.

26 DEAD. IT'S HORRIBLE,

BUT LAST MONTH A PLANE CRASH KILLED 195,

AND YOU DON'T SEE THE GOVERNMENT

SHUTTING DOWN ALL THE AIRLINES.

AT CHERNOBYL, THEY KILLED KIDS.

DID YOU KNOW THAT?

LITTLE 9-YEAR-OLDS,

THE ONES IN UTERO.

ISN'T THAT RIGHT, MR., UH...KILOWATT?

I'M GOING TO FIX YOU.

OH, PATRICIA. REALLY?

I'VE BEEN WAITING TO BE FIXED BY YOU FOR YEARS.

SHALL WE GO UPSTAIRS

OR GIVE EVERYBODY A TREAT AND DO IT RIGHT HERE?

I'LL SEE TO IT THAT YOU NEVER WORK AGAIN,

YOU DRUNKEN, CONTENTIOUS,

WORTHLESS--

CHEERS.

HEY, YOU.

Man: WHAT'S GOING ON?

CARAMBA.

HEY!

YOU STUPID ASS.

ANDALE. ANDALE.

STOP THIS!

SOMEBODY HELP ME.

HELP YOU? HELP YOU?

IS THAT ALL YOU CAN SAY, MR. POWER MAN,

MR. KILOWATT?

YOU NUKING S.O.B.

YOU GOT TO BUG OUT OF HERE.

THE LADY'S CALLED THE COPS.

I SHOULDN'T HAVE DONE THAT.

HIT HIM?

OPEN THE UMBRELLA IN THE HOUSE.

IT'S BAD LUCK.

GOOD-BYE, MY FRIEND.

GOOD-BYE, SIR.

GOOD-BYE.

IF YOU REMEMBER NOTHING ELSE IN THIS WORLD,

REMEMBER THIS...

GOD HATES A COWARD.

AAH!

BOBBI.

AAH!

OH, HELL.

WHAT HAVE I...

WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME, HUH?

BOBBI.

BOBBI!

THANKS FOR THE RIDE.

JACK KIMBALL'S MY NAME.

HI, JACK.

I'M A SALESMAN.

"MR. SUCK IT UP."

SPARE VACUUM-CLEANER PARTS.

SELLING PEOPLE THE GREAT AMERICAN DREAM, RIGHT?

SO, WHAT'S YOUR NAME,

AND WHAT'S YOUR GAME, FRIEND?

JIM GARDENER'S THE NAME.

POETRY IS THE GAME.

I NEVER MET A POET BEFORE.

SO WHERE, IF I MIGHT ASK,

ARE YOU HEADED, MR. POET?

TO A PLACE WHERE WHEN YOU HAVE TO GO THERE,

THEY HAVE TO TAKE YOU IN--

HOME.

OH...THAT IS NICE.

NOW, THAT'S VERY NICE.

THERE'S A, UH... THERMOS OF JAVA

AND A SACK OF DRUNKEN DOUGHNUTS IN THE BACK

IF YOU'RE HUNGRY.

THANKS.

HEY.

LET'S SEE IF I CAN GET SOME TRAVELING MUSIC.

[STATIC]

OH, DAMN.

[ECHOING]

WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?

OH, THAT WAS ME.

YOU SEE THIS?

YEAH. YOU GET THAT IN A FIGHT?

YEAH...WITH A GIANT PINE.

WOW. HOW DID IT HAPPEN?

I WAS TRYING TO IMPRESS THIS PRETTY YOUNG THING

ON THE SLOPES WHEN I WAS ABOUT 17.

WHEN I WOKE UP,

THEY'D FILLED MY HEAD WITH THIS STEEL PLATE.

TOLD ME I'D GET HEADACHES FROM TIME TO TIME.

HEADACHES? YOU'RE LUCKY TO BE ALIVE.

THAT'S WHAT THEY SAID.

WHAT THEY DIDN'T SAY WAS THAT NOW AND THEN

I'D PICK UP A MICROWAVE DISH OR RADIO TRANSMISSION.

MAN, THAT IS REALLY SOMETHING.

YOU'RE THE FIRST GUY I EVER MET

WHO COULD DO A TRICK LIKE THAT.

SOME TRICK.

HILLY!

HILLY, WAKE UP.

THERE'S A MONSTER IN MY CLOSET.

SOME MONSTER, SQUIRT.

CAN I SLEEP IN YOUR BED TONIGHT?

SURE.

BACK WE GO,

ALL WARM AND SAFE AND TOASTY.

I SAW IT.

IT WAS A TOMMYKNOCKER.

IT'S ONLY A NURSERY RHYME, DAVEY.

WHEN I WAS LITTLE,

MY FRIENDS USED TO TEASE ME ABOUT THEM, TOO.

GOOD NIGHT.

THANKS.

NO NUTS.

YOU LOOK REAL NICE.

THANK YOU. SO DO YOU.

THANKS.

I LIKED THAT MOVIE TONIGHT.

YEAH. ME, TOO.

CAN I ASK YOU SOMETHING, RUTHIE?

I'LL ANSWER IF I CAN.

AFTER RALPH DIED,

WHY'D YOU STAY IN HAVEN?

WELL, TO START WITH,

I DON'T LIKE CITIES SO MUCH,

AND THEN... AFTER A WHILE,

THE LAND CASTS A SPELL,

KIND OF GETS TO YOU.

SO, LET ME ASK YOU A QUESTION.

NAME IT.

HOW COME YOU NEVER GOT MARRIED?

ME?

EH. WHAT WOMAN WOULD MARRY A BIG LUG LIKE ME?

A LOT OF WOMEN.

YEAH. AS A MATTER OF FA--

COME HERE.

WHAT?

UH...NOTHING.

I WAS THINKING I HAVE TO GET UP EARLY.

LET'S GO, OK?

SURE.

Becka: JOE!

JOSEPH R. PAULSON, GET BACK HERE THIS INSTANT!

YOU OUGHT TO BE ASHAMED. DIDN'T YOU FORGET SOMETHING?

WHAT? I'M SORRY, HONEY.

YOU OUGHT TO BE.

THE SANDWICHES...

FOR YOU AND THE BOYS

FOR YOUR FISHING TRIP.

REALLY. THIS IS GREAT.

THANKS A LOT, HONEY.

I'LL SEE YOU TONIGHT.

[HUMMING]

[HONKING]

SHE BOUGHT THE FISHING STORY?

HOOK, LINE, AND SINKER.

GOOD.

THEN HOP ON IN

AND LET'S SEE WHAT WE CAN CATCH.

AHH...

HOP ON IN

AND LET'S SEE WHAT WE CAN CATCH.

THE MAGIC GUILLOTINE.

BEHOLD ITS SHARPNESS.

OBSERVE.

I NEED A VOLUNTEER FROM THE AUDIENCE.

YOU, BARNEY APPLEGATE.

ME?

I HOPE YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING.

JUST PUT YOUR FINGER IN HERE.

[SCREAMS]

[APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

NOW I NEED A VOLUNTEER FOR MY NEXT TRICK.

ME! ME! ME!

MR. ALLISON.

I DON'T THINK SO.

COME ON, MR. A, BE A SPORT.

OK, I'LL DO IT.

JUST MAKE IT FAST, HILLY.

THE BLACK-AND-WHITE RABBIT TRICK.

FIRST IT'S WHITE.

NOW PLEASE TAKE OFF THE TOP, SIR.

I'M SORRY, MR. ALLISON. GIVE ME ANOTHER CHANCE.

I CAN DO THE MULTIPLYING COIN TRICK.

THANKS FOR THE RIDE.

PETE.

PETE.

HOW YOU DOING?

HOW ARE YOU?

YOU LOOK GOOD.

WHERE'S BOBBI AT?

OK, OK.

WHERE IS SHE?

BOBBI.

BOBBI, BABY.

GOD, I'M SO GLAD YOU'RE BACK.

HI.

HI.

WAIT TILL YOU SEE IT.

IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN YOU.

IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN YOU WHO FOUND IT.

FOUND WHAT?

I THINK THAT IT WAS FOR YOU.

WHAT WAS?

WELL, YOU'LL UNDERSTAND BETTER

ONCE YOU SEE IT...

AND YOU FEEL IT.

HEY, HEY. WHAT...

WHAT ARE YOU ON?

EUPHORIA.

A MIRACLE.

AT FIRST, I THOUGHT IT WAS A CAR,

LIKE THE TIME WE FOUND THAT HUDSON HORNET.

I COULD HAVE WALKED PAST THIS THING

40 TIMES A DAY AND NEVER STUMBLED OVER IT.

ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

JUST SLOW DOWN A LITTLE.

UH, OK. I'M RAMBLING. I KNOW.

I HAVEN'T SLEPT,

AND I GUESS I NEED FOOD, TOO,

BUT IT JUST MAKES ME FEEL DIFFERENT.

I GOT ALL THIS ENERGY.

I'VE GOT IDEAS AND...

AND YOU'RE TELLING ME THIS THING IN THE GROUND

IS MAKING YOU FEEL THIS WAY?

IT'S AFFECTED PETE, TOO. HIS EYE'S BETTER.

THE CATARACT IS-- IS DISAPPEARING.

PLEASE, HONEY.

HUH?

TELL ME WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?

UH...WELL, NO, I'LL JUST SHOW YOU.

JUST WAIT TILL YOU SEE IT, GARD.

YOU ARE NOT GOING TO BELIEVE IT.

COME ON.

WHOA.

YOU OK?

HERE IT IS.

WHOA.

IT'S THE MOST INCREDIBLE THING I'VE EVER SEEN.

IT'S REALLY SOMETHING, ISN'T IT?

WOW.

WHAT THE HELL IS IT?

I DON'T KNOW.

OH, I WANT TO SHOW YOU SOMETHING ELSE.

WATCH THIS.

TOUCH IT.

WHAT?

TOUCH IT.

COME ON, IT'S NOT GOING TO BITE YOU.

BOBBI.

WHAT'S THE MATTER?

AAH!

GARD.

GARD.

LET GO!

OH, GOD.

GARD.

I'M BLEEDING.

IT'S STOPPED, I THINK, HUH?

OH, GOD. YOU SCARED ME TO DEATH.

I'M OK.

WHAT HAPPENED? WHAT WAS IT?

I TOUCHED THAT THING,

AND IT FELT LIKE MY HEAD WAS GOING TO EXPLODE.

IT'S LIKE THE DTs.

I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT THING COULD DO THIS TO YOU.

YEAH, WELL, MAYBE-- MAYBE IT DIDN'T.

I HAVEN'T BEEN TOO GOOD THE PAST COUPLE DAYS.

NO, I DON'T KNOW.

WELL, I WAS AWAY OVER THERE,

AND I GOT THIS REALLY BAD FEELING

THAT YOU WERE IN TROUBLE.

IS THAT WHY YOU CAME BACK EARLY?

MY HERO.

SOME HERO.

I FELL OFF THE WAGON, BOBBI.

WHAT?

YEAH, I WENT ON A BINGE.

I'M SORRY.

YOU'RE SORRY? JUST LIKE THAT?

AFTER EVERYTHING WE'VE BEEN THROUGH AND WORKED FOR?

YOU'RE SORRY?

I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED.

I HAD THIS LITTLE SUCCESS THING.

YOU WEREN'T THERE TO SHARE IT,

AND I JUST DIDN'T HAVE THE...

COME ON, SAY SOMETHING.

YOU GO TO HELL.

HERE, TWEETY. HERE YOU ARE.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

OK IF I COME IN?

DIDN'T GO SO GOOD AT SCHOOL TODAY, HUH?

THEY ALL LAUGHED.

SO?

THEY LAUGHED AT COLUMBUS, TOO.

WHO CARES WHAT THEY THINK?

I DO.

I PRACTICED SO HARD.

I WANTED IT TO BE PERFECT.

OF COURSE YOU DO.

YOU JUST GOT CAT WHISKERS FOR NERVES,

BUT ALL ARTISTS AND SMART GUYS DO.

THE TRICK IS TO GET BACK UP ON THE HORSE

AND SHOW HIM WHO'S BOSS.

YOU MEAN LIKE... STARTING AGAIN?

YEAH.

THAT'S WHAT MAKES THE DIFFERENCE

BETWEEN WINNERS AND LOSERS....

TRYING AGAIN.

COULD YOU JUST LISTEN TO ME FOR A MINUTE?

I COULDN'T HELP IT.

THAT'S A LIE.

I DIDN'T EVEN TRY.

I JUST DRANK.

I GOT ALL THIS APPLAUE FOR THIS OLD, OLD P.

LET'S BE REAL HERE.

I HAVEN'T WRITTEN ANYTHING WORTH CRAP IN YEARS.

YEARS.

I'M A FRAUD, BOBBI.

MAYBE I ALWAYS HAVE BEEN.

I KNOW I DON'T DESERVE YOUR FORGIVENESS,

BUT I AM SORRY.

YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE WHOSE LOVE STILL MATTERS TO ME.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'D DO

IF YOU STOPPED LOVING ME, BOB.

[THUNDER]

DON'T YOU KNOW BY NOW

THAT I'LL ALWAYS LOVE YOU?

[THUNDER]

UH-HUH.

UH-HUH.

YEAH...

I GET IT.

HILLY.

HILLY, WHO ARE YOU TALKING TO?

SO I TAKE THOSE THINGS, AND THEY WORK?

TV: I'M CHAZ STEWART. WELCOME AGAIN TO HE-DEVI,

WHERE OUR 3 LOVELY LADIES

WILL VIE FOR A NIGHT OF BREATHTAKING ROMANCE

WITH OUR ONE HUNK OF A STUD LARRY.

BECKA.

HERE, HERE.

HEY, LOOK.

NO. WATCH OUT.

YOU ALMOST MADE ME HIT MY CAR.

WHOOPS.

COME ON.

NO, I GOT TO GO.

BECKA IS EXPECTING ME BACK.

I GOT TO GO.

COME ON, IT'S OUR TIME TO HOWL.

AWOO!

I GOT TO GO.

I GOT TO GO.

GO ON, THEN. RUN HOME TO WIFEY.

GO ON!

HEY, NANCY.

GOTCHA!

THERE'S SOMETHING--

THERE'S SOMETHING IN THE WOODS.

MAYBE IT'S THE BIG BAD WOLF.

I'M NOT KIDDING. THERE'S SOMETHING.

IT'S JUST AN AMINAL, JOEY.

COME ON!

IT'S JUST AN AMINAL.

AMINAL.

LET'S GET OUT OF HERE!

[ENGINE FALTERS]

LET'S GO!

I'M READY TO GO HOME NOW, JOE.

BECKA, HONEY, UH...

DO I HAVE ANY CLEAN SHIRTS THAT ARE IRONED?

WHY DIDN'T YOU WAKE ME UP

WHEN YOU CAME HOME LAST NIGHT?

IT WAS VERY LATE AND--OH, HI.

IT WAS VERY LATE, AND YOU WERE SLEEPING,

AND I DIDN'T WANT TO WAKE YOU UP.

YOU SHOULD HAVE CALLED. I WAS WORRIED.

I'M IN THE WOODS.

HOW AM I GOING TO PHONE YOU?

I COOKED YOUR FAVORITE MEAL LAST NIGHT.

I'M SORRY.

AND I GOT THAT NIGHTGOWN

THAT YOU REALLY LIKE A LOT, AND I...

I'M SORRY.

WHERE ARE THE FISH?

WHAT FISH?

YOU KNOW, THE FISH.

I'M A LOUSY FISHERMAN.

DO I HAVE ANY IRONED SHIRTS?

YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO DO THEM YESTERDAY.

I PUT THEM IN THE DRAWER.

THEY'RE NOT IN THE DRAWER, OK?

ALL I ASK IS ONE SHIRT THAT'S IRONED.

GRAMPS?

GRAMPS?

WHAT IS IT, KIDDO? WHAT'S WRONG?

I NEED YOUR HELP. I NEED SOME BATTERIES.

BATTERIES?

YEAH, AND OTHER STUFF. I'VE GOT A LIST.

WHAT'S THIS ALL ABOUT?

I'VE GOT A NEW TRICK

FOR MY BIRTHDAY PARTY ON SATURDAY.

A NEW ONE, HUH? IS IT A GOOD TRICK?

NOT GOOD. GREAT.

THE BEST TRICK ANYONE'S EVER SEEN.

IT'LL MAKE THEM GASP AND SCREAM AND YELL,

A TRICK THAT THEY'LL REMEMBER FOREVER.

HA HA HA!

HEY, PETEY.

OH, ABOUT TIME.

YOU BEEN UP LONG?

HOURS.

REALLY?

BREAKFAST'S ALMOST READY.

COME HERE.

YOU NEED A SHAVE.

YEAH. WELL, I'D TRADE MY SOUL IN

FOR A LONG HOT SHOWER IN THE PROCESS.

YOU WOULD?

WELL... HAND IT OVER, THEN.

YOU DIDN'T CALL THE PLUMBER, DID YOU?

WE TALKED ABOUT THIS.

I DIDN'T CALL THE PLUMBER.

I DID IT MYSELF WHILE YOU WERE GONE.

HEY, PETE, MISS HOME IMPROVEMENT, HUH?

OH, YE OF LITTLE FAITH.

AAH!

BOBBI!

WHAT?

UHH.

OH, MY GOD. HOW THE...

WHAT'S THE TRICK, BOBBI?

UH, IT-- THERE IS NO TRICK.

MM-HMM.

IT, UH, ALL JUST KIND OF CAME TO ME.

I HEARD A VOICE

TELLING ME I COULD DO SOMETHING

ABOUT THE HOT WATER HEATER.

THE NEXT THING I KNEW, IT WAS DONE.

WAIT. YOU--LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT.

YOU'RE TELLING ME THAT THING OUT THERE

IS TALKING TO YOU?

MM-HMM. YEAH.

AS I UNCOVER IT,

IT'S SENDING OUT SOME KIND OF TRANSMISSION.

THEY'VE TURNED YOU INTO EINSTEIN, HUH?

WELL, NO, NOT EINSTEIN EXACTLY,

'CAUSE EINSTEIN KNEW THINGS. I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING.

I JUST--I MEAN, I HAVE NO IDEA

HOW I GOT THE HOT WATER HEATER TO WORK.

I JUST KNEW AS I WAS DOING IT

EVERYTHING SEEMED CLEAR AS A BELL.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT THING IS.

I JUST KNOW THAT WE HAVE TO DIG IT UP.

THERE'S SOMETHING MIRACULOUS ABOUT IT.

LET'S EXPERIENCE IT TOGETHER.

I REALLY OUGHT TO PATENT IT.

HEY, WHAT-- WHAT IS THIS?

MY INVENTION.

WHAT DOES IT DO?

IT SORTS THE FIRST-CLASS MAIL.

NO.

WATCH THIS.

COME ON. ARE YOU--

LOOK AT THIS LITTLE FLAG. I LOVE--

YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING.

RFD1, DAIRY ROAD.

HOW DID YOU THINK OF THIS?

IT JUST CAME TO ME. SMART, HUH?

FOR A WOMAN, IT'S NOT BAD AT ALL.

YOU WEREN'T COMPLAINING LAST NIGHT.

WE WERE GOING AT EACH OTHER LIKE BUNNIES.

THE SKY LIT UP LIKE NEW YEAR'S EVE.

NO, I WASN'T COMPLAINING AT ALL.

JOE, WHAT WAS THAT THING?

OH, WHO THE HELL KNOWS? WE WERE BOTH CROCKED.

WE SURE WERE, WEREN'T WE?

WANT TO DO IT AGAIN?

DO I?

DO YOU?

YEAH. OH, BOY, HOWDY, DO I!

OH!

MMWAAH!

GRRR--UHH!

HERE. THIS, TOO.

WHAT ARE YOU DIGGING UP ON THAT FARM OF YOURS?

JUST SOME STUMPS IN THE BACK

THAT NEED CLEARING.

IF YOU DIG UP ANY BURIED TREASURE,

SAVE SOME FOR ME.

I'D LIKE BEING A LADY OF LEISURE.

HEY, THERE, YOU TWO. TOP OF THE DAY.

HILLY NEEDS MORE BATTERIES.

BETTER TRY THE MALL UP AT AUGUSTA.

I'M CLEANED OUT. BEEN A RUN ON THEM.

SEEMS LIKE EVERYBODY WANTS THEM.

NOW, BEFORE WE HEAR FROM OUR HE-DEVIL,

WHO IS STANDING BY,

TELL OUR VIEWERS, EACH ONE OF YOU,

WHAT IT IS THAT YOU LIKE IN A MAN?

START HERE WITH WENDY.

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A MAN?

Wendy: WHEN THEY MADE CHAZ STEWART,

THEY BROKE THE MOLD.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING TONIGHT?

Chaz: I'M BUSY. WELL, ANYWAY...

HOW WOULD OUR HE-DEVIL ANSWER THIS QUESTION--

"SEX IS GOOD, BUT BLANK IS BETTER"?

JOE?

FISHING. FISHING IS BETTER.

DO YOU STILL LOVE ME, JOE?

WHAT IS THIS? DO I STILL WHAT?

WHAT KIND OF A DIM BULB QUESTION IS THAT?

IT'S JUST LATELY YOU DON'T SEEM TO SHOW IT.

I DON'T BELIEVE YOU. I REALLY DON'T.

TELL ME THE TRUTH, JOE.

NO. YOU'RE CRAZY. YOU'RE CRA--

I'M SORRY, HON. NO, I'M NOT. JEEZ!

WHY ARE YOU SO MEAN TO ME?

WHAT CHANGED YOU LIKE THIS?

NOTHING. I'M THE SAME AS I ALWAYS WAS.

WHERE'S MY KEYS?

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

HOW DARE YOU ASK ME THAT QUESTION.

I'M GOING OUT NOW

AND COMING BACK WHEN I WANT TO.

BUT, JOE--

GOT IT?

DO YOU GOT IT?

BUT, JOE!

BUT! BUT, BUT, BUT.

I NEVER WANT TO HEAR THAT WORD AGAIN.

"BUT" IS WHAT A GOAT HAS FOR BRAINS.

IT'S FOR SMALL-MINDED PEOPLE

IN THIS SMALL-MINDED TOWN.

BYE.

AND "BUT" IS WHAT YOU SAY

WHEN YOU WANT TO GET AWAY FROM YOUR STUPID WIFE.

Chaz: BOY, HE MUST THINK YOU WERE BORN YESTERDAY,

BORN YESTERDAY TO BELIEVE SUCH BULL.

LISTEN, BECKA.

JOE--HE'S BEEN CHEATING ON YOU.

IT MUST BE HEAT STROKE.

I BETTER CALL THE INFIRMARY.

Chaz: CALM DOWN, BECKA. CHILL OUT.

LET'S NOT HAVE A HEART ATTACK.

OK, CHAZ.

LISTEN, ONE THING YOU GOT TO GET STRAIGHT,

YOU ARE NOT GOING CRAZY.

TVs DON'T TALK.

IT APPEARS THAT THIS ONE DOES.

BESIDES, WE GOT A LOT TO TALK ABOUT,

ABOUT JOE, FOR ONE THING, AND HIS INFIDELITIES.

HE'S HAVING AN AFFAIR.

HE'S BEEN PUTTING IT TO THAT HUSSY

DOWN AT THE POST OFFICE EVERY LUNCH HOUR

AND AROUND QUITTING TIME, TOO.

WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?

Chaz: WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?

LET'S ASK OUR CONTESTANTS. OK, LADIES...

I WANT YOU TO PUT YOURSELF IN BECKA'S SHOES.

WHAT WOULD YOU DO?

KILL HIM.

KILL HIM.

KILL HIM.

HA HA HA!

WELL, THERE YOU HAVE IT, BECKA.

IT'S UNANIMOUS.

KILL HIM.

UHH!

ISN'T THIS ASTOUNDING?

UHH!

I WONDER HOW BIG IT IS?

I WONDER WHAT IT IS?

MAYBE IT'S AN ANCIENT TEMPLE

FROM ANOTHER CIVILIZATION.

OR A PIECE OF A MAYAN TREASURE--

HEY, MAYBE IT'S ATLANTIS.

IF PETE'S ANY INDICATION,

IT COULD BE THE FOUNTAIN OF YOUTH.

DO YOU THINK WE SHOULD TELL SOMEBODY ABOUT THIS?

SOMEBODY?

WHO?

I DON'T KNOW.

MAYBE WE SHOULD JUST TELL...

MAYBE WE SHOULD TELL THE AUTHORITIES.

OH, NO...

NO.

ALL RIGHT. RUTH MERRILL, THEN.

WELL, WHY? 'CAUSE SHE'S MY FRIEND?

SHE'S A COP, GARD. SHE'D GO TO THE FEDS.

WOULD THAT BE SO BAD?

HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT,

YOU THAT THINKS THAT OUR GOVERNMENT

WON'T BE COMPLETELY SATISFIED

UNTIL WE ALL GLOW IN THE DARK?

I FIND THIS AMAZING THING,

AND YOU WANT ME TO TUN IT OVER TO THEM?

GARD, THEY WILL COME HERE

WITH TRUCKS FILLED WITH BARBED WIRE

AND MEN WITH GUNS.

THEY'LL GAG US, GARD,

AND YOU KNOW THAT THEY WOULD DO IT.

YOU REALLY DO HOLD FORT. YOU KNOW THAT, DON'T YOU?

I LEARNED FROM A MASTER.

OK.

OK.

OK. SO, UNTIL WE KNOW WHAT THIS IS,

WE JUST KEEP IT BETWEEN US, ALL RIGHT?

NOT A WORD TO ANYONE.

[DING]

AFTERNOON, BOBBI. WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU?

YEAH. I'VE GOT A PIECE OF REGISTERED MAIL.

JOE, YOU GOT THAT PACKAGE FOR ANDERSON BACK THERE?

OH, GOD. HE'S SO HOT I CAN'T STAND IT.

EXCUSE ME?

I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING.

[DOOR CLOSES]

HEY...

THERE YOU GO, BOBBI.

HI, JOE. THANKS.

OH, JEEZ. LOOK AT HIS HAIR.

I HAVEN'T BEEN THIS HORNY SINCE I WAS 16.

THE LAST THING I NEED

IS HIS WIFE KNOWING WHAT WE'RE UP TO.

IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE?

GIVE MY REGARDS TO BECKA.

I'M TELLING YOU. I COULD READ THEIR MINDS.

SENSE THEY WERE HAVING AN AFFAIR, MAYBE,

BUT COME ON, READ THEIR MINDS?

YEAH.

WELL, YOU'RE VERY INTUITIVE,

ALWAYS KNOW WHAT I'LL SAY NEXT.

WELL, YOU'RE PROBABLY RIGHT.

I KNOW I'M RIGHT.

I KNOW I'M TIRED,

AND I THINK WE SHOULD GO TO BED.

UH, NO. I'M NOT REALLY TIRED.

I JUST WANT TO WRITE A LITTLE BIT.

I HOPE YOU HAVE BETTER LUCK THAN I DO.

DON'T STAY UP TOO LATE.

WHAT YOU DOING, HILL?

OUT. I'VE GOT TO GET READY FOR THE SHOW.

BUT, HILLY...

THE MEDICI PRINCES USED TO HAVE PEOPLE EXECUTED

IF THEY WERE CAUGHT LOOKING AT TRICKS AHEAD OF TIME. OUT.

YAY!

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

MY NAMESAKE HAS A SURPRISE FOR ALL OF YOU,

A MAGICAL TREAT OF HIS OWN--

I REPEAT-- OF HIS OWN DEVISING.

I GIVE YOU...

HILLMAN THE MAGNIFICENT.

THANK YOU.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, FOR MY FIRST TRICK,

I WANT YOU TO WATCH CLOSELY

AS THE MYSTERIES OF THE ORIENT TAKE HOLD.

[CAMERA CLICKS]

PRESTO CHANGO... THE DISAPPEARING TOMATO.

[AIR GUSHES]

TA-DA!

YAY! YAY!

PRESTO CHANGO...

RETURN!

[AIR GUSHES]

HOW DOES HE DO THAT?

THAT'S MY RADIO.

NOW, FOR THE DISAPPEARING RADIO.

PRESTO.

[AIR GUSHES]

COOL!

OH!

PRESTO CHANGO...

RETURN.

[AIR GUSHES]

IT'S TIME FOR THE GRAND FINALE--

THE DISAPPEARING...HUMAN.

NOW, I NEED AN ASSISTANT.

BARNEY APPLEGATE?

NO WAY, MAN. FORGET IT.

COME HERE, DAVEY.

I DON'T WANT TO.

DO WHAT I SAY.

IT'S OK, DAVID. GO AHEAD.

WAY TO GO, DAVEY.

AW.

BYE.

BUT, HILLY, I'M SCARED.

I'LL GIVE YOU ANYTHING.

ALL YOUR G.I. JOES?

EVERY ONE. JUST GET UP HERE NOW.

HILLY.

OFF YOU GO, KNOW THAT YOU CAN,

'CAUSE I LEARNED THIS TRICK

FROM THE TOMMYKNOCKER MAN.

PRESTO...

MAJESTO...

DISAPPEAR.

OH!

THAT WAS REAL GOOD.

TA-DA!

NOW, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT. I'M NOT DONE.

ENOUGH. GET YOUR BROTHER

AND COME ON IN AND OPEN THE PRESENTS.

HE'S NOT UNDER THERE, DAMN IT.

HILLY, DON'T SWEAR.

GET DAVEY. COME IN. OPEN YOUR PRESENTS.

PRESTO CHANGO RETURN.

PRESTO CHANGO RETURN.

PRESTO CHANGO RETURN!

PLEASE, GOD...

I'M SORRY. HE CAN HAVE ALL MY G.I. JOES,

ANYTHING. I SWEAR IT.

JUST LET HIM COME BACK.

WHAT'S WRONG, SON?

I'LL DO ANYTHING, JUST BRING HIM BACK NOW.

WHAT DOES HE MEAN?

WHO IS HE TALKING TO?

I DON'T KNOW.

HILLY, STOP FOOLING AROUND

AND GET DAVEY BACK NOW.

I'M TRYING, BUT I CAN'T.

OK. WHERE IS HE?

WHERE DID HE GO?

I DON'T KNOW WHERE THINGS GO

WHEN THEY STOP BEING HERE.

COME BACK, DAVEY. COME BACK.

I'M SURE THERE'S A LOGICAL EXPLANATION, EV.

HE'S PROBABLY ASLEEP SOMEWHERE IN THE GRASS.

WITHOUT ANY OF US SEEING IT?

HE WOULD NEVER HAVE GONE OFF BY HIMSELF.

YOU KNOW LITTLE BOYS, OK?

I MEAN, HE'S BEEN GONE AN HOUR.

HE'LL TURN UP.

YOU'VE GOT TO FIND HIM BEFORE DARK. YOU'VE GOT TO.

HILLY...

HOW DID YOU THINK UP THIS TRICK?

THE VOICES TOLD ME WHAT TO DO

AND HOW TO DO IT.

WHAT VOICES?

I DON'T KNOW.

I DON'T KNOW.

TAKE IT EASY, SON.

THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT.

I WISH YOU'D NEVER GIVEN ME THAT STUPID MAGIC SET.

HILLY, YOU DON'T MEAN THAT.

YES, I DO.

I HATE MAGIC, AND I HATE HIM.

ALL RIGHT, LISTEN UP.

WE'RE GOING TO SEARCH THIS TOWN FROM TOP TO BOTTOM.

FIRST, I WANT YOU TO DIVIDE INTO GROUPS.

ONE GROUP GO UP AND DOWN MAIN STREET.

CHECK EVERY BUILDING, STORE, AND HOUSE.

DON'T FORGET TO KNOCK ON EVERY DOOR.

EV, GARD, BOBBI, COME WITH BUTCH AND ME.

WE'LL SEARCH BURNING WOODS.

WE'VE GOT A LITTLE BOY LOST.

I WANT TO FIND HIM BEFORE NIGHTFALL.

WHAT ARE YOU ALL GAWKING AT?

COME ON. LET'S GO FIND HIM.

I'M SURE WE'LL FIND HIM.

ARE YOU?

HOW DO YOU KNOW HE'S LOST?

I GUESS I KNOW HOW YOU MUST FEEL, BUT--

NO. NO.

NO. YOU DON'T KNOW HOW I FEEL.

Man: HEAR ME, DAVEY?

DAVEY!

DAVEY!

DAVEY!

DAVEY BROWN!

DAVEY BROWN!

AAH!

OH, AM I GLAD TO SEE YOU, PETEY.

IT'S JUST ME. IT'S JUST ME.

PETER, NO! DOWN!

RUTH, I'M SORRY.

WHAT THE HELL'S THE MATTER WITH HIM?

HE'S BEEN ACTING REALLY WEIRD LATELY.

HE'S ACTING LIKE A REGULAR CUJO.

WHAT DO YOU HEAR?

I HEARD SOMETHING OVER THERE.

ALL RIGHT.

THAT WAS A CLOSE ONE.

DAVEY!

DAVEY!

MISSING CHILD HOTLINE.

NO, FATHER. NO SIGN OF THE POOR LITTLE LAMB.

HE'S--HE'S ABDUCTED, RIGHT?

I'M AFRAID SO.

THERE'S NO RATIONAL EXPLANATION.

HE COULD NOT HAVE GOTTEN PAST THE SEARCH AREA

WITHOUT BEING TAKEN BY SOMEBODY.

WE'VE GOT AN APB OUT. SOMEBODY WILL SPOT HIM.

YOUR MEN WILL KEEP LOOKING, WON'T THEY?

SURE, EV.

WE'LL START AGAIN AT FIRST LIGHT.

YOU'RE GOING TO LEAVE HIM OUT THERE ALL NIGHT?

WHAT'S THIS FIRST LIGHT?

BRYANT, WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?

LET THEM DO THEIR JOB.

WE'LL FIND HIM, MARIE.

EVERYTHING WILL BE FINE.

I KNOW WE WILL.

BECKA, YOU LOOK EXHAUSTED.

WHY DON'T YOU GO ON HOME AND TAKE CARE OF JOE?

WHAT?

JOE LEFT EARLY, SAID HE'S GOT THE FLU.

I'LL MAN THE PHONES.

I'LL GO SEE HOW HE IS.

I'LL BE BACK FIRST THING IN THE MORNING.

OK.

THANKS, BECKA.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

[RING]

MISSING CHILD HOTLINE.

[GIGGLING]

I TELL YOU, THAT KID DAVEY COULD BE THE BEST THING

THAT EVER HAPPENED TO US.

WITH ANY LUCK, HE'LL BE MISSING FOR A WEEK.

WE COULD BE.

WHAT ABOUT BECKA?

NO, NO. FORGET IT.

BECKA'S GOING TO BE MANNING THOSE PHONES DAY AND NIGHT

UNTIL THEY FIND HIM.

MMM.

OH.

DAY AND NIGHT.

NIGHT AND DAY.

JOE, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? JOE?

FINAL PASSION.

Chaz: AH, VERY GOOD, BECKA. NOW, EASY DOES IT.

THERE. THAT'S RIGHT.

NOW, SOLDER THAT RED WIRE.

NO, NO. NOT THERE.

YEAH. THERE.

I'M JUST NO GOOD AT THIS.

I'M TOO CLUMSY.

NOT TOO MUCH SOLDER. JUST A LITTLE DAB.

WHAT IF THERE'S ANOTHER EXPLANATION

FOR THE LIPSTICK?

WHAT IF HE GOT IT THROWING THAT HUSSY DOWN

IN A GIANT PILE OF CIRCULARS? WHAT THEN?

I'D HAVE TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.

YEAH, AND YOU ARE.

YOU ARE.

[TV PLAYS]

ANY LUCK FINDING THE BOY?

UH, NO.

WE LOOKED HIGH AND LOW,

BUT THERE WAS JUST NO SIGN OF THAT KID.

THOU SHALT NOT SUFFER A LIAR.

HUH?

I SAID, "THAT'S TOO BAD."

Chaz: SORRY, CHUM.

THE GALS DIDN'T PICK YOU AS THEIR PERFECT DATE.

WOULD YOU TURN THIS JUNK OFF?

I MEAN, I HATE THIS SHOW.

TURN IT OFF YOURSELF.

WHAT DID YOU SAY TO ME?

I SAID YOU CAN DAMN WELL TURN IT OFF YOURSELF!

WHAT IS WITH YOU, TALKING TO ME LIKE THAT?

Chaz: THAT'S IT. GOOD NIGHT.

GOOD DATING.

UHH!

Joe: OH!

JOE.

[TYPING]

PETEY?

PETER?

BOBBI?

HUH?

[MUMBLING]

[TYPING STOPS]

"THE BUFFALO SOLDIERS--

A NEW NOVEL BY ROBERTA ANDERSON."

"FOR GARD, MY PARTNER IN THE QUEST."

[TYPING]

[BZZZT]

PLEASE COME BACK.

IF YOU JUST COME BACK, I'LL GIVE YOU ALL MY G.I. JOES.

SNAKE-EYES...

CRYSTAL BALL...

MOBAT... EVEN THE TERRORDOME.

Davey: HILLY, HELP M.

DAVEY?

IT'S COLD AND DAR,

AND I WANT TO COME HOME, HILLY.

WHERE ARE YOU, DAVEY? WHERE ARE YOU?

I'M WITH THE TOMMYKNOCKERS.

HELP ME.

HOW? I DON'T KNOW HOW.

PLEASE, DAVEY.

WHO ARE YOU TALKING TO?

WHERE--WHERE IS DAVEY?

I DON'T KNOW.

I DON'T KNOW WHERE THINGS GO

WHEN THEY STOP BEING HERE.

I NEVER DISAPPEARED ANYTHING THAT WAS ALIVE BEFORE.

HILLY.

HILLY?

HELP ME, SOMEONE!

HE'S DELIRIOUS. HE'S TALKING TO DAVEY.

HE SAYS THE TOMMYKNOCKERS GOT HIM.

I'M TAKING HIM TO THE HOSPITAL.

YOU TWO STAY HERE.

I'LL TAKE HILLY TO THE HOSPITAL.

I'LL CALL WHEN I'VE SPOKEN WITH DOCTORS.

YOU'RE GOING TO BE OK. I'LL GET THE DOOR.

YOU'RE GOING TO BE OK, HILLY.

EVERYTHING'S GOING TO BE ALL RIGHT.

DADDY.

YOU'LL BE OK, HONEY.

YOU'LL BE OK.

WELL?

BEST THING YOU'VE EVER WRITTEN.

THANKS. I THINK IT IS, TOO.

YEAH, IT IS.

SO WHEN WAS THIS, UH...

DONE?

LAST NIGHT...

IN MY SLEEP.

IMPOSSIBLE.

WELL, NOT WITH MY WORD ACCORDION.

TELEPATHIC TYPEWRITER, HUH?

GOD, BOBBI...

WHAT'S IT LIKE, THIS, UH...FEELING?

IT'S A HIGH.

IT'S AN INCREDIBLE HIGH.

HMM.

WHAT ABOUT YOU? YOU DON'T FEEL ANYTHING?

NOT A JOT, NOT AN OUNCE OF POETIC INSPIRATION.

NOTHING.

YOU WILL.

IT JUST DOESN'T HAPPEN ALL AT ONCE.

I SUPPOSE YOU'RE RIGHT.

HEY, UH...

MAYBE IT'S THE OLD PLATE IN MY HEAD, HUH?

LET'S TAKE THE DAY OFF.

I THOUGHT YOU WANTED TO GO OUT AND DIG TODAY.

YEAH. WELL, I-- WE'RE WORKING TOO HARD.

DID YOU KNOW THAT IT'S THE FOURTH OF JULY?

YOU WANT TO GO INTO TOWN AND WAVE FLAGS?

YEAH. MAYBE.

UM, BUT I JUST KNOW THAT WE HAVE TO BE THERE.

I WANT TO WELCOME ALL OF YOU

TO OUR FOURTH OF JULY CELEBRATION.

AS YOU KNOW, OUR COMMUNITY HAS SUFFERED GREATLY

DURING THESE PAST FEW DAYS.

WE'VE LOST OUR BELOVED POSTMAN JOE PAULSON.

PRAY FOR A SPEEDY RECOVERY FOR HIS WIFE BECKY.

OUR HEARTS AND OUR PRAYERS

GO OUT TO THE BROWN FAMILY IN THEIR HOUR OF NEED

AS WE CONTINUE OUR SEARCH FOR THEIR SON DAVEY,

AND YET, IN THE FACE OF ALL THESE TRAGEDIES,

OUR COMMUNITY HAS REALLY JOINED TOGETHER.

I'M VERY PROUD OF YOU.

WOULD YOU PLEASE RISE NOW

AND JOIN ME IN SINGING THE NATIONAL ANTHEM?

♪♪ O, SAY CAN YOU SEE ♪♪

♪♪ BY THE DAWN'S EARLY LIGHT ♪♪

♪♪ WHAT SO PROUDLY WE HAILED ♪♪

♪♪ AT THE TWILIGHT'S LAST GLEAMING? ♪♪

♪♪ WHOSE BROAD STRIPES AND BRIGHT STARS ♪♪

♪♪ THROUGH THE PERILOUS FIGHT ♪♪

ISN'T THAT SOMETHING?

BOBBI?

♪♪ LATE LAST NIGHT ♪♪

♪♪ AND THE NIGHT BEFORE ♪♪

♪♪ TOMMYKNOCKERS, TOMMYKNOCKERS ♪♪

♪♪ KNOCKIN' AT THE DOOR ♪♪

I WANT TO GO OUT.

I--I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN.

IT'S ALL RIGHT. I'M HERE.

GRAMPS IS HERE.

'CAUSE I-- I LEARNED THIS TRICK

FROM--FROM THE TOMMYKNOCKER MAN.

♪♪ TOMMYKNOCKERS, TOMMYKNOCKERS ♪♪

♪♪ KNOCKIN' AT THE DOOR ♪♪

TOMMYKNOCKERS.

♪♪ TOMMYKNOCKERS ♪♪

TOMMYKNOCKERS.

♪♪ KNOCKIN' AT THE DOOR ♪♪

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