Original subtitles

[ Caribbean music plays ]

Gorgeous hotel, huh?

Yeah. I spent my honeymoon here.

Actually, two of my honeymoons here.

We went to Pittsburgh, but very much like this.

So, how many times have you been married anyway?

Five.

Six, depending on how you count.

Hey, we're up.

Let me ask you something. The divorce is killing me.

Do you have any advice?

Nah, they're all pretty tough.

Actually, one wasn't so bad.

I signed the papers in front of the church

right before the next wedding.

I really wanted to sign the papers on the wedding night,

but I couldn't find a notary who'd go for it.

Sure, what would he stamp?

Well, I'm never getting married again, I'll tell you that.

- Sure you are. - No. No.

Never.

My wife left me for an audio-video salesman.

Do you believe that? I'm a doctor!

That sucks.

What do you do?

Audio-video salesman.

I own stores. A chain of stores.

Well, I'm turning over a whole new leaf down here.

A completely different approach with women.

From now on, I'm paying for it by the night.

I have two marriages who would've worked out a lot cheaper that way.

It's not the ex-wives that are killing me,

it's my daughter.

She absolutely refuses to talk to me.

I've been there.

Just keep trying. She'll come around.

If there was one thing I could change...

Here we are.

Huh?

Well, you ready?

I'm terrified, but this is great.

Aaah!

Yeah, right. He died parasailing in Mexico.

Okay, is this a sequel to last year's motorcycle accident?

How did he put you up to this anyway?

I don't think I could handle going back for this without you.

Are you sure you can take the days off?

Baby, it's not even an issue.

Thank you.

I'm not going back for you. I'm going to meet chicks.

[ Laughs ]

All those ex-wives of his... All grief-stricken and vulnerable.

I love you.

[ Smooches ]

What was he doing parasailing?

God damn him.

♪ I always thought that we would get back... ♪

♪ In the silence, I can hear us ♪

♪ Making plans for happily ever... ♪

You know, the last thing I ever said to him...

...was that I never want to see his stupid face again.

[ Up-tempo rock music plays ]

BARBARA: Oh, God.

This is totally him.

Drops me an e-mail, says he's in an accident,

and that he needs my help, and no one answers his damn phone.

LLOYD: I'm sure he's fine, baby.

If he wasn't, somebody else would have called, too.

Oh, well, I don't want to see them either.

I don't want any of it.

Marry me, Barbara Lefay.

You realize you're proposing to me on the phone while I'm pumping gas.

How am I supposed to say yes?

Hey, I tried at the beach. I tried at the church.

I even tried after sex when we got stuck in that elevator.

[ Laughs ] That was you?

Now that's very funny.

I even tried on the scoreboard at the Giants game.

Everybody says yes when you propose on the scoreboard, but not you.

So why do you keep asking?

'Cause you never say no.

I always say no.

Yeah, but you never mean it.

Listen, it can't be as bad as you remember.

You're older, they're older.

When's the last time you were back there?

Four years.

Okay, I haven't even met this wife, Autumn.

Her name is Autumn.

Why didn't you go back for the wedding?

It was an impulse thing in Bora Bora...

Some Polynesian voodoo ceremony.

- I don't want to be here. - Okay, stop.

Close your eyes.

Close them.

Take a deep breath.

Pretend you're in an elevator.

[ Laughs ] So stupid!

Trust me, everything's going to be fine.

Promise?

I promise.

Thank you.

Anytime.

I love you like a fat kid loves cake.

I love you, too. Bye.

[ Disconnects call ]

[ Engine turns over ]

[ Tires screech ]

Oh, great. Great!

He better be goddamned seriously injured.

[ Rings doorbell ]

You must be Barbie. I'm Autumn.

It's nice to meet you.

Oh!

Hi!

Oh, my gosh! You're practically my age!

How old are you?

I'm 28.

Me too!

Get out.

Wow, I love your scarf. Can I borrow it?

Uh, yeah. Yeah, of course.

Listen, um, Henry's upstairs.

Your grandma's in the kitchen if you want to say hi

while I go grab him.

Barbie Rose Lefay!

There's nothing wrong with you? I knew it. You son of a bitch.

Who do you love?

Arr, maties. Henry Lefay here,

or should I say Long John Henry Lefay.

Maybe I will.

With the best way to save a couple of extra doubloons

if you're looking for audio-video electronic equipment.

[ Laughs ]

In fact, I'll double your gold savings

if you can find a better price anywhere in all the seven seas,

or, at least, anywhere near Ithaca.

You know, this week only,

we're gonna save you an extra 20% here on these DVD players.

Just like that crocodile took 20% off me arm.

[ Pretends to cry ]

Arr! Long John Henry! We're sinking!

You know, I still write all these myself.

Was that the pirate one?

Yeah, Ma.

How many times do I have to watch that big steaming cow pie?

Mom, you love this.

You said you were in an accident.

[ Turns off TV ]

- When? - In your e-mail.

You said you were in a motorcycle accident and you need my help.

I do need your help.

But that accident was just a fender bender.

Hey, look at the size of this.

The same guys did the scoreboard at Yankee Stadium.

Big image quality!

Makes you feel like you're right part of the action.

Last night, we were watching Body Heat.

I felt like I was banging Kathleen Turner myself.

He did.

How come you didn't return my calls?

Ooh, look at the time! We've got to change.

Oh!

I got a gig tonight. I want you to go.

Gig? What do you mean "a gig"?

[ Blues music plays ]

♪ You know that I love you ♪

♪ I want to lay down in your arms ♪

[ Plays harmonica ]

Whoo!

[ Cheering and applause ]

Well?

That was good.

So, how did you guys meet?

Oh, through my parents.

Henry used to date my mother.

Oh, no, no, no. Not recently.

When they were in junior high school.

I bet you thought it was something weird.

Weird? No. Why?

Look, I know it bothers some people that Henry's twice my age.

But guess what? I asked him out.

I've always been attracted to more mature men.

It's just my thing.

Well, this old dog's not complaining.

Barbie doll, this marriage is different. It really is.

I'm a man at peace, you know.

Oh.

I just wish I'd met you 25 years ago.

Of course, 25 years ago, she didn't even know how to wipe herself.

She does now.

Daddy, why do you need my help?

[ Sighs ]

It's the business. Veronica's gotten totally impossible.

You know, she's never forgiven me for leaving her.

And now she's squeezing me with her 50%.

We don't see eye to eye on anything.

But she's always liked you.

Plus, you've got that MBA I bought you.

- You didn't buy me an MBA. - You know what I'm talking about.

I just figured you could help us iron some things out.

And, in the meantime, while you're here,

you can get to know your new stepmom.

Nobody knows us there.

They will, darling. They will.

Henry, I lived in New York City. They laugh at you.

With me. They always laugh with me.

- Barbie? - Really want my advice?

- Yeah. - Yes.

My advice is one of you should sell out your share to the other

and be done with it.

I've offered. She won't buy, she won't sell.

She's holding on out of sheer ornery spite.

Come on. Barbie's here. Let's do this.

Fine.

Do what?

Stockholder's meeting. I'm here representing my 50%.

And I'm here representing mine.

Okay, what's the first thing they do at a stockholders meeting?

Approval of the minutes of the last meeting.

- There was no last meeting. - Then it's approved.

All right, those in favor say "aye."”

- Aye. - Aye.

- All right, old business? - No old business.

New business.

I move that both Henry Lefay and Veronica Jaramillo

each make a gift of 1% of common stock in the company

to one Barbara Lefay.

- To me? - Motion approved.

I need a second. I'll second it. Those in favor say "aye."”

- Aye. - Aye.

Motion carries unanimously.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. Why are you giving me stock?

He hasn't explained this to you?

Classic. You are as bad a partner as you were a husband.

Did you know he actually cheated during our wedding reception?

Technically, that was not cheating

since I was married to her before I was married to you.

[ Speaking Spanish ]

Please, please, English. I love when you curse at me in English.

Why are you giving me stock? Hello?

Henry wants to do a Martin Luther King Day Sale.

Yeah.

- It's offensive. - No, it's not offensive!

It's to get a jump on President's Day.

If you just think outside the box for once, V.

Just for once.

Abe Lincoln. Martin Luther King. Two of the same kind.

Great Americans shot down by a racist assassin.

Both get their own holiday.

What about that doesn't scream 20% off?

But New York first! Please, let's vote on it.

My 49% says let's expand.

49 oppose.

Um, don't look at me. I don't care.

You've got to care. That's why we gave you the 2%.

So, what? I get deciding vote on everything,

and you guys give me no arguments?

- Agreed. - That's the deal.

Okay, fine. Forget the city. It's an awful idea.

Thank you.

An inventory-driven business like this,

starting up one store in a major market,

you couldn't possibly afford the media plan to justify that.

What did I tell you?

But, V, as for marketing and advertising,

my 2% goes behind Dad.

No matter how stupid or offensive his ideas may be,

he's made you rich off of making a fool out of himself,

so deal with it.

Martin Luther King Day?

Knock yourself out.

I'm sure I'm not making either one of you happy,

but that is my 2% worth,

and if you don't like it, you can take your damn stock back

and leave me alone.

- I'm happy. - That's good.

Yeah.

Hey, don't walk away so fast.

You're my only child. I never get to see you.

And, besides, I know it was crappy

how I tricked you into coming down here.

So I'd like to make it up to you.

♪ Blue skies smiling at me ♪

♪ Nothing but blue skies do I see ♪

I've arranged a day of beauty for you.

A day of beauty?

Don't get all big-city on me, Barbie doll.

Remember where you came from.

Terri Lee's House of Beauty, 9:00 a.m. tomorrow morning.

It's all reserved and paid for. Just you and Autumn.

Me and Autumn. Terrific.

Look, Dad, I really gotta go back.

Listen, I need you to do this for me.

- Autumn really respects you. - Here it comes.

I want you to tell her I want a divorce.

A divorce? I'm not telling her that.

Right, right. It's probably something I should tell her.

But you can tee it up for me.

You can tell her what a sleazebag I am.

You're my daughter. It will mean something coming from you.

Daddy, if you don't respect the institution of marriage,

at least respect what it means for the people you marry.

I respect the institution of marriage! I respect the living crap out of it!

But this one was a mistake! I knew it coming down the aisle!

There wasn't even an aisle... It was a dirt path!

Polynesian witch doctor holding us upside down and shaking us.

I don't even think this one was legal.

This is wife number five, Daddy,

and you haven't even been married a year yet.

Look, she's way too young,

but she seems like a really sweet girl,

and she's obviously crazy about you.

You can't take the easy way out this time.

Why don't you try marriage counseling?

Try whatever you have to!

But this time you have to get serious about yourself and at least try.

You're right. You're absolutely right.

I should do whatever it takes to make this one work!

And I bet you'll be happy in the end.

This is something that could change everything in your life.

- There's just one problem. - What is that?

I'm already engaged to somebody else.

- What? - Yes, I know, I know, I know.

But this gal, she's like a wildcat in the sack!

This is the one that will finally screw your old man into the ground.

- Daddy? I'm your daughter. - Right.

Dad, you cannot have a new fiancé. You are married to Autumn.

That's why I need your help.

Who do you love?

I just wanted to stop in at the store up here.

I was gonna get mom a present. Do you want to come in?

Uh, no. I'm just going to wait for you out here.

Okay.

Oh, good. I found you, you lying scum bucket!

Hey, hey! Why are we throwing teddy bears at me?

I'm giving you back everything you ever gave me.

You selfish jackass!

What did I do?

You were sleeping with your wife while we were still married.

I didn't... my wife?

Autumn!

You told me you didn't even meet her until after we were divorced.

Which divorce? The first or the second one?

Oh, you liar!

Our mutual colorist told me the whole sordid tale.

I don't want any of this anymore.

Nothing from our vacations.

Nothing from your stupid commercials.

Oh! Especially this.

- What the hell? - Wait, wait, wait, wait!

I bought you this?

Of course you did.

When we went to St. Lucia, and we snuck off to the dormant volcano,

just before midnight, you gave it to me to wear under my dress.

I've never been to St. Lucia.

Okay, the show's over!

Yeah, keep moving, people! Thank you!

- Stop staring. - Hey.

I've got an idea.

Lunch?

Didn't know she was in town?

No.

Hey, guys.

SARAH JANE: Well, well! Barbie Lefay?

God, we are all getting older, aren't we?

Sarah Jane.

Mmm.

And you. I remember you.

Hey, Barbie. How are you?

So, what brings the big girl back to the small town?

I'm just straightening out some family stuff.

With what? A faith healer?

Well, I see all those years since high school

haven't affected your charm.

I... I hear you're living in California now.

Some big business?

Uh, kind of. It's a consulting firm. What are you doing?

I'm still over at Friendly Freddy's.

Yeah.

Okay.

I manage it now.

Well, some things don't change much at all.

But some things do.

HENRY: I have a dream!

That one day... this Saturday, as a matter of fact,

you can save up to 10% on a big screen TV.

My dream is that this Martin Luther King Day

you can exercise your civil rights

by marching over to Henry Lefay's for big savings on audio equipment.

My dream is that if you're looking for the best prices

on portable DVD players,

nobody has to ride at the back of the bus.

And this weekend only, delivery is finally free at last!

Thank God Almighty, it's free at last!

He was young and handsome.

And just plain old more fun than any man I had ever met.

So you went out with him, I get that.

You had a good time.

But you had to have seen what he was like.

Why would you marry him?

Do you remember that big stuffed pig

that was in your bedroom when you were little?

- Yeah. - That big, hideous thing.

Do you know where that came from?

One time, when we were engaged, Henry took me to the carnival.

And we played that game,

the one where you squirt the water gun into the clown's mouth,

and you win a little stuffed animal.

And if you keep playing, you get a bigger stuffed animal.

Well, Henry played for hours,

and spent God knows how many dollars

until he won that grotesque, enormous stuffed pig.

So he decides it's going to be part of the family.

And we take it everywhere. It goes on all of our dates.

It even goes to my mother's house. My mother's house.

Thanksgiving, okay? Makes her set him a plate.

Ties a napkin around his neck.

Sure enough, we get on the plane to go to Hawaii for our honeymoon,

and there in the window seat next to us is the pig.

[ Laughing ]

Henry bought it a ticket. Arranged the whole thing.

[ Laughing ]

Wow.

I don't know what happened to that ugly old pig.

Look, baby, I know it's hard.

But I really want you to go over to your father's house

and make things better.

Find a way.

[ Sighs ]

HENRY: Get away from me! Put down that knife!

Help! Police! Fire department! Anybody!

Oh, not this again.

Help! Help! Help!

Help!

Dead! You are dead!

[ Thunder rumbles ]

Oh, crap!

Wait... how? Oh.

- Hey, Barbie. - Hi.

You are really dead!

I mean it, Henry! This time I'm going to cut it off!

Where are you?

HENRY: National Guard! Paramedics! Help!

Hiya, Barbie. When'd you get into town?

Oh, a couple days ago.

One of the neighbors called in. What's going on?

Well, Ophelia's chasing my dad around with a carving knife.

You know, when they got divorced, I thought these calls would stop.

Well, we can dream, can't we?

OPHELIA: I knew you'd run out of wind, you tired old goat!

Hey, look! They're naked this time.

Okay. So Henry and I were involved in...

Let me say this tastefully...

O-R-A-L.

And he answered his cell phone.

[ Groans ]

And then he tries to explain it away by saying it was his fiancé.

- It was. - You have a fiancé?!

Okay, speaking of fiancées and wives, where is Autumn?

She volunteers at the food bank one night a week.

- How convenient. - Isn't it?

Look, can I just get a minute alone with my father?

I best get going anyway.

Can you give me a ride home, honey?

But first, be a dear and help me find my bra.

[ Sighs ]

What are you doing screwing around with Ophelia

when you're engaged to someone else?

When you're married to someone else!

She came over here, she wanted to get it on.

What am I supposed to say?

Uh, "no"?

Barbie doll, you don't understand.

Around Ophelia, I'm... I'm powerless.

Seriously. I know she's wacky as a water bug,

and she's probably going to kill me in my sleep,

but when that woman gets around me, I turn into jelly.

So why are you engaged to another woman?

Why don't you just marry Ophelia for the third time and make it stick?

You saw her chase me around here naked with a butcher knife?

You know what we used to called that when we were married?

- What? - Tuesday.

[ Laughs ]

God help me, that crazy-ass blonde is the only one that matters.

That woman is hands down without a question

the one true love of my life.

Aw!

You're the one true love of my life, too, honey.

[ Smooches ]

Oh, isn't he adorable?

Oh, Barbie, did your dad tell you about our day of beauty?

You know what, Autumn?

It sounds great, but I've got to go home.

Barbie doll, you don't have to leave yet.

How could you break this little girl's heart?

You know, your dad's been so encouraging

about me redecorating his house and making it my own.

I was thinking of the little room off the kitchen area,

making it into a little breakfast nook

where we could snuggle up in the morning

with our coffee and read the paper.

Listen, Autumn, just be careful about idolizing my father.

You know his history with women, right?

It's the age thing, isn't it?

I mean, you can't seem to get past that, can you?

No, it's not that. I mean, there is that.

But I'm worried about you making plans and...

Barbie, forgive me for saying so,

but I think I know him a little bit better than you do at this point.

And with men of his type,

I mean, sometimes you just have to catch them at the right age

when they're finally ready to settle down.

I mean, at heart, Henry is a true romantic.

I know that it sounds crazy,

but why do you think he's gotten married so many times?

He honestly believes that there's such a thing as happily ever after.

♪ Owie, owie, ouch ♪

♪ Is what you got to say ♪

♪ Owie, owie, ouch ♪

♪ It helps the hurting go away ♪

Can I help you, Miss?

What do you think that kid could be thinking?

Oh, I know what he's thinking.

He's thinking, "No one is ever gonna have sex with me."

You used to have that job.

Mm-hmm.

And you used to be that girl right over there watching.

- Is that what you were thinking? - Maybe.

[ Laughs ]

Did you ever get married?

No.

- Boyfriend. - Yeah.

Yeah.

So, what's the deal with you and Sarah Jane?

I wasn't expecting that.

How long have you guys been together?

No, no, no. She was just pulling your chain.

We're not together.

[ Laughs ]

And, anyway, I don't see where you've got call

to say anything about that after the way you broke my heart.

What do mean the way I broke your heart?

You dumped me.

After I heard about you and Johnny Farigno on the band trip.

Johnny Farigno. I barely remember that.

I made out with him, didn't I?

That's what I was told.

And I know why you did it, too.

Is that a fact?

It is.

We were getting towards the end of senior year,

and you thought I was going to ask you to marry me.

Hey, I was no fool, Barbie.

Anybody could take one look at you

and see that you weren't going to spend the rest of your life

in a town this size with a kid named Stevie Peevie

who danced with a drunken elephant.

[ Laughs ]

Was I right?

I could tell you were the type

that wanted to settle down and get married early.

You always had that serious side.

Yeah, I guess maybe I did.

So, who is the lucky girl that actually got you?

Nobody.

Nobody even close.

I should go.

It was nice seeing you.

BARBARA: Why do I have to do this?

Come on. This is going to be your new step mom.

[ Sighs ]

- Think about Autumn. - What?

With Autumn, I almost got married and divorced

before you even got a chance to meet her.

I don't want that to happen again.

I feel like I'm cheating here.

I don't even know this one's name. I'm assuming you do.

Her name?

She did this thing last night that made me forget my name.

There's the little princess right now. Honey, meet your new step mom.

Hi, baby.

[ Smooches ]

Hi, Barbie.

Wait a minute, you were Sarah Jane's babysitter?

How did I not know that?

Were you aware of anything that happened to me when I was 137.

And then I was three years behind Barbie in high school.

Honey, I told you this whole thing on our first date,

don't you remember?

Yeah, well, on our first date, my mind was already

south of the border, if you know what I mean.

Lovely.

Oh, this doesn't bother you, does it, Barbie?

Your father and me?

Bother me? Not at all.

Because if it did, well, that would kind of suck for you.

Don't worry, Mommy. I'll be fine.

Have you guys talked about a prenup yet?

- I don't think this is really the... - No, honey. That's okay.

Look, I understand that you're skeptical.

Your dad walked out on you when you were a kid,

and we all knew that that left you with some major trust issues,

which probably screwed up every relationship you've ever had,

even to this day.

Daddy?

Outside.

Now!

- ♪ Blue skies smiling at me ♪ - Oh.

Don't even think of trying to charm your way out of this one.

Sarah Jane just likes to talk too much, that's all.

She's a bitch on wheels, okay?

Ever since high school, she was a freshman,

I didn't invite her to some party.

I don't even know what I did.

Just don't expect me to be nice to her.

Just give it time.

Everything has a way of working itself out.

No, things don't work themselves out.

What happens is you do what suits you at the moment,

and then you assume someone's gonna come along

and clean up your mess.

And someone always does. Usually me.

Okay, come back inside.

I'll buy you one of those molten chocolate cakes.

A molten ch...

I'm sure you'll like Sarah Jane once you get to know her better.

And don't call her mommy. It seemed to really tick her off.

I am so done with this.

Come on, Barbie doll. Who do you love?

I've got a noon flight out of Ithaca tomorrow,

and I don't ever want to see your stupid face again.

[ Engine turns over ]

[ Sighs ]

This is going to be a circus. You have no idea.

All right, I'll buy us some cotton candy.

We'll be fine.

[ Sighs ]

I guess he wasn't too hung up on the whole PC thing, huh?

Sweetheart. Oh, baby.

[ Crying ]

Hi, I'm Kate.

Lloyd. It's a... It's a pleasure to meet you.

Yeah, you too. I'm sorry it's not under happier circumstances.

Oh, sweetie. Come here.

How long has it been since you talked to your father?

Oh, about a year...

When he tricked me into coming in last fall.

My condolences. I'm sure this is...

I'm sure this is rough on you, too.

Oh, I did all my crying over losing Henry Lefay

a long time ago.

I won't be selfish about Henry's memory.

He spent the earlier stages of his life with several other women,

and I want to make sure that they're treated like family at the viewings

and sitting up front with us at the funeral.

That'll mean a lot to my mom. And the others.

A lot of women would be more jealous about his past.

I'm very secure in the journey that Henry and I shared together.

There's no point in troubling myself over what he experienced

before we even met.

What is the granola queen going on about now?

Um, Autumn was talking about Henry.

Henry's dead. What's she saying?

That they had a good marriage.

[ Scoffs ]

Just don't let her sell you any crystals.

Oh, okay.

Are you hungry, Mae? Or thirsty?

What?

Can I get you something to eat or drink?

Don't shout at me.

Get me some water.

Where's Henry?

He's gone, Grandma. He passed away.

I'm going to get you that water.

Okay? I'm going to grab that.

That's good. Okay.

What can I do to help with the arrangements?

'Cause I know dad never thought he was ever going to die,

so I'm sure there's a lot of things that need to be figured out.

It's all under control.

Henry made all the arrangements in advance.

It's one of the many ways your father changed

in the time since you've known him.

I think that Henry's spiritual quest was...

Was brought on in part by a sense that a transition might be coming.

He wrote me the most beautiful letter

outlining all the details of the funeral that he wanted...

Pallbearers, music, everything.

We even picked out a plot...

At Shady Glen, under a great white oak,

where someday ['ll rest beside him.

Really, the only problem has been

getting the American Consulate in Mexico

to help us get his body released and shipped up here,

but Veronica's taking care of that.

He's still in Mexico?

Wait... I mean, I'm surprised

that you would come back without him.

Oh, I wasn't in Mexico.

No, that trip was something that Henry had to do on his own.

Sort of a spiritual retreat.

But, between you and me,

there was something going on down there...

Some element of his quest that he didn't want me to know about.

I think he might have found some sort of shaman.

Or maybe even started experimenting with peyote.

Peyote, my ass.

He was in Mexico screwing someone else,

and the bimbo ran home and left his body to rot.

Any suspects?

Wife number two. Wife number four.

Wait a minute. Isn't that the same person?

Welcome to the circus.

[ Rings doorbell ]

[ Man singing opera from inside ]

Hello? Ophelia?

[ Ophelia crying ]

It's Barbara! Are you in here?

Hello?

Oh, boy.

Oh, Barbie! Barbie, Barbie!

Okay.

Oh, my God, you look just like him.

What's going to happen to us, huh?

Do you know I never stopped loving that man...

No matter who he was married to, no matter who I was married to?

Oh. It's okay.

Oh!

It's okay. It's okay.

And who is this tall, handsome prince?

That's my boyfriend, Lloyd.

Lloyd, say hello to Ophelia.

Charmed.

Not half as much as I am.

Um.

Can I get you a glass of cabernet, Lloyd?

It's too bad you weren't in town last week.

You could have watched me star in our local production of "Grease."

I got to relive high school.

I'm sure that was really something to see.

Well, maybe when this is all done, I'll give you a little private sample.

Barbie? We should talk about funeral arrangements.

Actually, aside from getting his body back into the country,

Autumn has it all under control.

Daddy worked everything out in advance,

right down to the burial plots.

Burial plots?

No, Henry wanted to be cremated.

Get the cotton candy ready.

He wrote me this beautiful letter

specifying exactly how he wanted his funeral,

down to the smallest detail.

He didn't trust Autumn to do it right, I'm sure.

No. Henry wanted to be cremated

and have his ashes spread over the ocean from a catamaran

off the Bahamas.

You have this in writing?

We once made love there, on one of those.

Anyway, talk to the other wives.

Ask Veronica. She saw him every day.

I'm sure she knew he wanted to be cremated.

- Lloyd? - Yeah?

Have you ever experienced pleasure

just inches away from a live barracuda?

Um...

Honey? Have we?

♪ I walked away ♪

♪ A thousand times a day ♪

♪ I tried to forget this love ♪

♪ Astray ♪

♪ I wandered through the wilderness to forget... ♪

Come inside.

Look, why don't you go downstairs and check out the new iPods?

Okay. But if there's gonna be a séance, I want to watch.

Okay, go. I'll be there in a few.

Oy.

Veronica, hi.

I'm grateful to have you near at such a painful time.

Yeah. You're taking this a lot harder than I expected,

considering that you guys spent pretty much the last 10 years

at each other's throats.

We remained business partners for so long

because we were the best of friends underneath.

V, can I ask you something?

Did Daddy want to be cremated?

No. Why would you think that?

That's what Ophelia says.

Ophelia is a manipulative neurotic.

Harry wanted to be buried at Pleasant Meadows.

- At Pleasant Meadows? - Yeah.

Autumn said that they have plots together at Shady Glen.

We have plots side by side at Pleasant Meadows.

Henry wanted us to be buried next to one another.

Yeah, but Autumn is his wife.

Yeah, please. Nobody takes that seriously.

[ Phone rings ]

Si?

Whoa, whoa. No entiendo. Que misterio?

American Consulate in Mexico.

[ Speaking Spanish ]

Ah-ha!

Mm-hmm.

Oh.

Ah-ha.

Ah-ha.

So... so you're trying to locate the woman

who had been staying at the hotel with him?

Excellent.

Gracias por su ayuda. Adios.

Ha.

They didn't want to release the body

if the woman he was staying with was still in Mexico.

But because they can't even figure out who the hell she is,

they've decided to turn him over to us.

He'll be in the country tonight

and at the Ithaca airport in the morning.

Okay, this is good news, I guess.

Yeah. Good news that they're sending him back.

Awful news that he was down there with somebody.

I don't know if I'm ready to see your dad in a casket.

You won't have to. It's closed.

Closed?

Well, everyone had a different opinion,

so I suggested that we close it, at least for now.

I think it's barbaric that people want to look at the body anyway.

Yeah, but he's been in an accident. They want to know that he's okay.

Ms. Lefay? I'm John Goodenough from the funeral home.

If there's anything we can do, please see me directly.

Thank you.

I did not have the privilege of knowing your father personally,

but from everything I've been hearing,

it's clear he brought a lot of love to a lot of people.

You have no idea.

While I have you, would you happen to know

if there's been a resolution regarding the cemetery?

I have been told it's Pleasant Meadows.

I've also been told it's Shady Glen.

I know you think Henry wanted to be buried in Shady Glen...

He did want to be buried at Shady Glen.

We picked out those plots only last year.

But he kept up the payment on Pleasant Meadows,

even after that.

I can show you the cancelled checks.

Veronica, I appreciate that you were Henry's partner,

but please don't forget that I was his wife.

Please keep your voices down.

Has anyone here happened to speak to the American Consulate in Mexico?

No. Why?

- Barbie? - Not now.

- What? - Really, Mom. Later.

Please?

[ Sighs ]

Apparently, Daddy wasn't alone in Mexico.

I knew it. Was he with some sort of shaman?

There was a woman staying with him at the hotel.

And they couldn't find her. And they don't know who she was.

Autumn?

Okay, maybe we should give you some time to yourself, okay?

So, Mom, Grandma?

Grandma?

V, let's go.

It's all mine.

The will says every last penny goes to me.

Henry's half of the business, everything.

I even have half interest in those precious plots of yours

at Pleasant goddamn Meadows,

and the only thing going into the ground come Friday.

is worms.

Or your bones, bitch, if you try and cross me.

Hello, hello. Sorry I'm late. Who's in charge here?

John Goodenough, the funeral director.

Ophelia Parker, the bereaved.

Well, the most deeply bereaved, I'm sure.

Listen, I bet a good-lookin' fellow like yourself

would know where to get a lady a vodka Collins, hm?

- Excuse me? - With lime. Thank you, darling.

And some McNuggets. I get hungry when I drink.

Where is he?

Henry. The body?

Oh! In the viewing room.

Thank you ever so much.

Oh! And two extra thingies of that tangy honey mustard sauce.

Thank you, gorgeous.

Oh. Were you all waiting for me?

Henry, Henry.

[ Crying ]

Closed casket!

I didn't realize it was this bad.

I wanted a closed casket

because I believe when someone dies,

he deserves his privacy and not to be gawked at.

So he wasn't disfigured?

No.

Oh, thank God.

Look at us here together.

It's like the reunion we never had.

Let's hold hands.

Come on! For Henry.

We have things we share in common with nobody else in the world.

We've all know the better,

we've all known the worse,

of all four of Henry Lefay's marriages.

Five.

Oh, yes. Two of which were to me, of course,

which does give me a sort of seniority.

Oh, screw you.

Honey, I'm just trying to say that though we all may think

we know how Henry wanted to say good-bye to this earth,

he did write it all down for me in a deeply personal letter.

So I stopped, and I made copies on the way.

That's why I was late.

I've got my own letter, too, exactly... exactly like this.

In mine, he wanted a Catholic priest.

GRANDMA: Did you say Catholic? In a pig's eye.

Time out!

I'm the current wife.

I'm making the decisions about the ceremony.

You know, a good compromise would be his childhood pastor.

If I wanted your opinion, I would have asked for it.

Get it?

May I say something about the casket?

What about the casket?

I think it should be open.

People want to see that he's all right.

Mom, would you stop saying that? It's screwed up.

No, I agree with Kate. Open, open, open.

I am the wife. Me!

I make all the decisions about everything!

Fine.

But Henry did want to be cremated.

- Well, that's not happening. - Well, it's what he wanted.

Nobody is getting cremated, so just stick it up your ass!

Oh!

- Oh, no, no, no! - Hey!

Hey.

No!

You're going to tip it over!

Let go of him!

Whoa!

[ Sighs ]

Oh, Daddy, Daddy, Daddy. What have you done now?

It's not right.

You're not supposed to bury your own children.

You raised a great man.

I raised a selfish prick.

But he was always good to me, so that's something.

Yes.

Hello.

Is Henry Lefay in this box?

- Yes. - Oh!

Do you mind if I just stand here with you for a bit?

No, no, not at all.

I'm... I'm Barbara Lefay, Henry's daughter.

How nice to finally meet you.

I'm Effa. Effa Devereaux.

I was Henry's very first wife.

Well, I'm sure some of you know about the time

that Henry dropped out of college and went to Chicago

to try to be a blues musician.

Well, the very week that boy got into town,

I ain't gonna lie!

He knocked me right off my feet.

But pretty soon, I could see he didn't belong in Chicago

with or without me.

So, after three months, we got an annulment,

and I sent him back home to New York.

Never saw Henry Lefay or heard his voice again.

There are no paper towels in the ladies' room.

Grandma, she doesn't work here!

VERONICA: I'm sorry, but I must ask you straight out.

What exactly do you want here?

You must be Veronica.

Well, I don't want anything at all.

In fact, I bet you dollars to doughnuts,

I'm the only person in this room

that doesn't have a will in her purse with her name on it.

Henry Lefay never gave me nothing.

And I don't expect nothing from him now.

Would you happen to be Kate?

Yeah.

You know, I'd imagine the shock is the biggest for you.

A woman thinks she's a man's first wife...

It's got to be mighty unsettling to find out she isn't.

You know, I truly regret any pain this causes you.

- BARBARA: Can I ask you something? - Yeah.

If you've been out of touch with my father since Chicago,

how do you know so much about all of us?

The Internet, honey.

[ Effa laughs ]

Yes, Ma'am. About...

Let's see, about five years ago... Out of the blue, don't you know...

Henry Lefay up and tracks me down and sends me an e-mail.

Just wanted to know whatever happened to me, you know?

What my life had been like.

And, you know, one thing led to another,

and we've been e-mailing each other ever since. Every day.

- Every day? - Every day.

Get out.

When I didn't hear from him a few days, I just...

I just got this bad feeling,

and I thought, "I better give that boy a Google."”

And sure enough...

Well, y'all know the rest.

Apparently, Henry's had all kinds of secrets.

I mean, there's no reason not to believe this one.

Oh, not so fast!

How do we know this isn't some kind of a scam?

That you're not inserting yourself into Henry's life

under false pretenses

just so you can get something from us later?

Oh, you mean like the time you pretended you were pregnant

so Henry could leave Veronica

and marry your boney ass a second time?

'Cause you are Ophelia, aren't you?

You've come a long way today, Effa. I bet you you're hungry.

You know what, girl?

I am feeing like a little pie with some ice cream.

You know where I could get some?

There's a diner across the green

where they make a mean Dutch Apple.

For real?

- My treat. - Ooh, cool!

Anything that you want for yourself you can have.

Thanks.

[ Plays harmonica ]

Good morning. You're here very early.

I asked everyone to come an hour before the viewing,

so that we could figure out the minister issue.

- Ah. - Are the others here?

No, you're the first.

Would you like to wait in the study?

Actually, if you guys don't mind,

I'd like a few minutes alone with Dad.

- Sure. - Thank you.

- Thank you. - Mm-hmm.

Thanks.

No, no, no, no, no. No!

How long were you and Henry together?

- Oh, 15 years. - Oh, wow.

Yeah, it was a crazy 15 years, too. I tell you.

Where's what's his name? The funeral guy?

What about Ophelia? Have you seen her?

No?

Baby?

Whatever you do, do not let Autumn into the viewing room.

Why not?

Why not let Autumn in the viewing room?

Wait a second. Wait, don't!

Come here!

[ Gasps ]

Who did this?

Oh!

Autumn.

Hang on a second!

Hey!

Wait!

Hey? Come on!

Really, Autumn?

Who said that you could cremate him?

- One of the ex-wives. - Ophelia?

Yes, Ophelia. That was her.

Well, I had no choice once the forms were signed.

Ophelia has no legal standing. Autumn is his wife.

But Ophelia brought me the form signed by Autumn.

She forged her signature?

I had no way of knowing that.

[ Vehicle approaches playing up-tempo music ]

[ Engine turns over ]

[ Tires screech ]

Oh!

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! - Oh!

Stop it!

Don't watch.

Aah!

Stay away from the hearse!

No! It's a classic!

Oh! I never give my car to the valet.

I want her arrested for unlawful incineration.

My husband was just lying there, minding his own business!

And you should arrest him, too, because he's the one that did it!

[ All talking simultaneously ]

[ Whistles ]

Cool it! All of you.

I guess what I really need to know is,

do any of you want me to press charges?

Well, yes!

Of course I want you to press charges! These women...

[ Whistles ]

That's real good, Barbie. Can you show me how to do that?

Maybe after the funeral. But here is what I'm thinking, Pinky.

We should charge her for attempted homicide with a hybrid.

And her for cremation fraud.

And him for aiding and abetting a forger.

Are those even laws?

Do you want to find out?

- No. - Not really.

So as far as the criminal justice system is concerned,

I think we should just all pretend that this never happened.

Well, yeah, I mean, I... I...

You know what?

- Okay. - Thank you, Pinky.

Great to see you again. Real sorry about your dad.

Officer.

You better watch it.

Get in there now!

Now you listen to me, and you listen to me good.

I intend to send my father off with a modicum of dignity.

That is what I owe him,

and I am going to give him that come hell or high water.

So that means no more surprise cremations, okay?

No more demolition derby with the hearses.

No more anything!

Except quiet, dignified, respectable mourning.

Have I made myself clear?

Yes.

All right, then.

[ Inaudible ]

AUTUMN: And just so I make myself clear,

we're spreading Henry's ashes in Bora Bora.

The hell we are.

That's where he was happiest.

Guys, please!

This coffee table is awfully dusty. You should use Pledge.

Somebody better talk to this woman.

Grandma!

Henry never gave a damn about Bora Bora.

He wanted to be scattered over the Pacific from a catamaran.

He should be buried at Pleasant Meadows.

You mean bury his ashes?

Would you give us a minute? We'll be in the viewing room soon.

I know I'm intruding.

But I'm actually kind of glad to find you guys all here together.

I was the one who was with Henry in Mexico.

Who are you?

I was Henry's first wife.

Oh. I was going to be his last wife.

Tell them, Barbie.

[ Exhales sharply ]

It sucks. I'm so sorry.

It's all just too much for one day.

I mean, I just lost my husband.

And then someone goes and burns him up!

And then I find out that he was going to leave me?

And you.

You knew.

Put yourself in my shoes!

Yes, I knew about her. But my loyalty has to be to my dad.

And I didn't know that Sarah Jane was the one with him in Mexico.

You mean there were others?

Oh, my God.

Oh, no.

He really, really was happy when we were in Bora Bora.

I'm sure of it.

I am, too.

That's why I want to spread his ashes there.

I think that it's where he should live forever.

I remember him happiest in Yosemite.

He took me hiking there when I was 10.

And he and my mother were still together.

Up near Sentinel Dome and...

He sat on the ground, and I sat in his lap,

and we looked out into the mountains forever.

And I don't remember any other time him holding me nearly that long.

[ Sighs ]

He had such an enormous spirit.

What if he could rest forever in all of those different places?

What if we divided up his ashes,

and each of us scattered a part of him

in a place we remember him being happy?

Because if anyone deserves that kind of good-bye,

it was Daddy, right?

Mmm.

I'm sorry.

[ Crying ]

How did you know my mother?

Okay.

So we have a new plan for Daddy's ashes.

Where's Ophelia?

She's in the viewing room. She wanted to be near him.

And we didn't mind.

Okay. Let's go in there then.

Ophelia?

Oh! There she is!

Come on!

Ophelia!

[ Speaking Spanish ]

[ Honking ]

[ Indistinct shouting ]

Get back here, you crazy oaf!

Take off your shoes! Take off your shoes!

Go!

For what it's worth, I think Henry's ashes

should be spread in Cancun.

Do not make me hurt you.

Give me my Henry!

Ophelia!

- Stop, stop, stop! - No!

What the hell do you think you're doing?

Henry wanted to be spread over the Pacific!

And I am not going to let some little Janey-come-lately

bring him to Bora Bora,

where he doesn't even speak the language!

Give him to me!

[ Indistinct shouting ]

Oh, my God.

Get off me!

No! No!!

Aah!

You know, some guys get turned on by this sort of thing.

Stupid!

I mean, not me. I'm just saying, some guys.

[ Indistinct yelling ]

- Hey! - Go, go, go, go!

So, what do we do now?

We could buy another urn, maybe something a little sturdier.

And leave it up there empty?

We could put something else in it.

Like what, M&M's?

What's the point? There's nothing left of him.

Oh, Henry. I'm sorry I didn't spring for the ornate brass.

You'd still be here now.

He'd still be dead.

Shut your face, you castrating Mexican twit!

I am Spanish!

[ Indistinct shouting ]

No, no!

[ Indistinct shouting ]

What in the sweet love of Jesus are you people doing?

You people are the worst fucking bereaved I have ever seen in my life!

Excuse me? I've been conferring with Father Houlihan,

and I believe we've found a way

to blend the Catholic and Presbyterian ceremonies.

But the Polynesian holy man just arrived,

and we were wondering how you'd like us to work him into the service.

♪ She sees him laying in the bed at home tonight ♪

♪ Only thing touching him's a crack of light ♪

♪ Pieces of her hair ♪

♪ Are wrapped around and around his fingers ♪

♪ And he reaches for her side ♪

♪ For any sign of her that lingers ♪

♪ And she says, "You are not alone ♪

♪ Laying in the light ♪

♪ Put out the fire in your head ♪

♪ And lay with me tonight" ♪

♪ One of them bullets went straight for the jugular vein ♪

♪ There were people running, a flash of flight ♪

♪ Then everything changed ♪

♪ And you are not alone ♪

♪ Laying in the light ♪

♪ Put out the fire in your head ♪

♪ And lay with me tonight ♪

Oh, God, whose mercies cannot be numbered,

accept our prayers in behalf of your servant, Henry Lefay.

Amen.

Amen.

And now, if you'll turn to page 297 in your hymnals...

"I can hear my savior calling.”

[ Harmonica plays ]

You son of a bitch.

But on that morning, Sarah Jane can't get herself out of bed.

I'm thinking to myself,

when's the next time I'm gonna be in Cancun?

So with or without her, I'm going parasailing.

So I hired this family firm.

That pulls you right off the beach behind their boat.

They don't speak much English.

I'm with two couples, both on their honeymoon,

and this single guy.

The guy's name is Lipschitz.

He's getting over a divorce

by working his way through every hooker in Cancun.

Heck of a guy.

My safety vest is a little tight, so Lipschitz switches with me.

I go up, I have a great time. It's really a lot of fun.

He goes up with the vest I just had on.

Just had this thing on. Something snaps.

He falls, like, 150 feet into the water.

Smack. They pull him out. The guy's dead.

He's dead.

I mean, I freak out. I lose it.

That could have been me, I'm thinking. That just...

That just could have been me.

I took off. You know, I left my ID there.

All I had was my little fanny pack with a couple 100 bucks,

which in Mexico buys a lot of tequila.

Next thing I know, I wake up passed out

in the backseat of a car in Tampico.

I tried to call you, but the hotel said you had already left.

Well, I figured you walked out on me.

So after two days, I had to get back to work,

so I checked out and went home alone.

Wait, wait, wait.

- How did we hear that Daddy died? - The Mexicans.

They must have thought Lipschitz was me and that I was Lipschitz.

Well, how did you get home from Mexico?

Just dumb luck.

The border guard supervisor grew up around here,

remembers me from all those commercials.

Why wouldn't you give someone a call?

Well, at this point, I didn't realize that anybody thought I was dead.

And who am I going to call anyway?

When I got home this morning, I get to the house...

Caterers setting up for a party.

Whoo-hoo! "What's going on?"

"They're all at your funeral”, he says.

"Well, I gotta go see this."

So I put on my suit, and here I am.

So, this Lipschitz. His family doesn't know.

And we've cremated him.

And scattered his ashes all over a gas station.

[ Laughs ]

All right. I got an idea.

I think you should come home with me.

I'll have your bags sent back.

[ Sighs ]

Come on.

I want to spend one great day with my grandmother.

Okay.

Okay.

I love you.

Love you, too.

Listen, I've got to say this.

Before this week, I thought you were amazing.

You know that.

But after watching everything you did

in the midst of all this insanity... Somehow holding together...

I have a whole new respect for you.

They say for better or for worse... What is worse than this?

And you were flawless.

Goddamn it, woman. Marry me.

Are you out of your mind?

Look at my family.

Look at every marriage I grew up around.

So what are you saying?

You never want to get married, no matter what?

I'm saying I never want to marry wrong.

Lloyd? No. That's not what I meant.

Lloyd!

MAN: Hey, hey, hey!

- Two minutes. - Don't even think about it.

Oh, my God. This is ridiculous.

I didn't like the way I left you last time.

And then, when I thought you were gone, I...

This is like a second chance for us, you know.

I know we got off track when I was a teenager.

And I know we'll never be normal father and daughter.

But, you know, maybe...

Maybe we can be some kind of friends.

Right. Okay. To a new beginning.

A new beginning.

Quite a funeral, huh?

[ Laughs ]

What's with the medicine man? What was that all about?

You mean, the Polynesian holy man?

Autumn said that he performed your wedding in Bora Bora.

That was the guy? But he had a red face.

Our wedding, he had a blue face.

It could have been a red face. I was pretty shitfaced.

[ Laughs ]

When I do go, no holy men of any kind.

I'll just leave you some instructions on what to do with me.

You gave everyone instructions, okay, Dad?

You got yourself buried at two different cemeteries

and your ashes scattered off a catamaran.

I'll just date your instructions

so everybody knows it's the latest version.

If Sarah Jane or anybody else shows up with a later one,

you can fight them tooth and nail. Just tell them...

Daddy, this is exactly what I'm asking you

to stop doing to me.

Right, right, right, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Got it. Got it.

Have you talked to Autumn? How pissed is she?

On a scale of 1 to 10 million?

Gals are a lot tougher to deal with during a divorce when they're angry.

That's how Veronica ended up with half of the company.

That's why I was hoping

you could kind of talk to Autumn a little bit, you know,

smooth things out.

And you might want to get a hold of that Lipschitz family,

let them know what happened.

Me?

I can't call them. They're liable to be kind of pissed off.

And don't mention that cremation thing.

I don't think Jewish people like that even when it's the right body.

We have no ashes. You'll think of something.

- Good-bye. - What?

Good-bye. I'm going back to California.

- Barbie? - Listen to me.

- Barbara. - You're never gonna change, Dad.

And if you don't change, I'm going to lose my mind.

Oh, God! I love you, Dad.

I love you more than you could possibly realize.

But don't follow me.

And don't sing.

Oh. Oh, hey, sweetheart.

Look. There's something I need to talk to you about.

It's pretty serious, so I wanted to wait till after the funeral.

What?

I'm done.

I only come here to tell you that I am out of here for good.

What do you mean for good?

I've had it, Mom!

Taking care of Daddy every minute whether he's alive or not,

fixing everything that he breaks.

- Oh, grow up! - Huh?

Do you think you're the only person with a family?

Roll with it!

You've gotten so self-centered!

What are you talking about?

Making the whole funeral about yourself.

- About me? - Yes!

How are you going to give your father some dignity in death

that he didn't have in life?

How narcissistic!

I was the one making this about myself?

What about those crazy women

that almost spilt that poor Lipschitz guy out of his coffin,

and then cremated him, huh?

They were just a bunch of sad women

trying to mourn the best way they could.

Why are you so damned accepting all the time?

Even of Ophelia, after everything that happened back then.

Why can't you just show some spine for once

instead of being the world's biggest doormat?

Spine? You want me to show you some spine?

My daughter will not speak to me that way.

If this is your big permanent exit out of New York,

why don't you just go back to San Francisco right now!

Is that some spine for you? Is that enough spine?

TV: At Henry Lefay's, it's lobster season.

So, don't get crabby.

I think when you get to be a certain age,

God starts to make you forget,

because if you had to hold on to all those memories,

it would just be too much to bear.

Listen.

Why don't you tell me a memory you haven't told me?

A happy one, huh?

Well, um... How about, um, Hawaii?

You were on vacation?

No! No, I lived there.

You lived in Hawaii? When?

During the war, after Pearl Harbor.

I lived near the naval base.

Oh, we had such fun!

I worked for this club,

and the sailors would come in on leave.

They paid us, and we split 60-40 with the house.

Well, the soldiers paid you, for what? To dance?

Good heavens, no! It was wartime.

You get a sailor on leave, they're not interested in dancing.

[ Laughs ]

Wait, what are you saying? That you were a hooker?

No! I was a party girl.

What's the difference?

That was much more patriotic.

Oh, this was so sweet of you to find all this time for me,

especially since your mother's in the hospital.

What? In the hospital? What do you mean?

She went into St. Joe's this morning for that biopsy.

You know that.

Oh, God.

Oh! How did you...?

The doctor said it went well.

Mom, I'm so sorry about...

I'm sorry, too.

You got a bad deal, Mom...

Spending all those years alone with just me.

My life hasn't been that bad.

You make decisions,

and things work out how they work out.

You know, when you go to a restaurant,

and your food comes,

and you realize that you've ordered badly?

That was me. I ordered badly.

That's all.

Well, you can bet I won't make that mistake.

No.

You'll make the other mistake.

What other mistake?

Mom?

Excuse me, visiting hours are over.

I'll be quick. I'm just going to say good night to my mother.

♪ I pretend that I am strong ♪

♪ Being far from you ♪

♪ Staying gone, moving on ♪

♪ I am putting on a face ♪

♪ And there is no one here ♪

♪ That can take your place ♪

♪ But you're the reason the glass is never full ♪

♪ You said you're leaving without reason ♪

♪ Like you'd never be ♪

♪ I'm half-empty ♪

[ Crying ]

♪ I am the one that breaks the fall ♪

♪ Seizing the moment... ♪

Hey.

I was just closing up.

Can I come in?

Yeah. Sure.

♪ I salvage memories ♪

♪ 'Cause we both make mistakes ♪

You wouldn't believe it,

but in California, I'm a very together person.

Well, I believe it.

I used to know you pretty well.

Oh, man.

What a week. You have no idea.

My father's dead. My father's not dead.

My mother's sick, and...

Grandmother's a horror.

You know what?

This is exactly how I felt with Johnny Farigno.

It was like I was trying to find my way out of something.

That's what she meant... There's ordering badly,

and the other mistake is not ordering at all.

Okay, uh...

Please don't hate me.

I tried that once.

Didn't work.

Lloyd. Listen, there's something I want to talk to you about.

Wait. Lloyd. Lloyd, let me call you back.

♪ Blue skies smiling at me ♪

♪ Nothing but blue skies ♪

[ Sighs ]

♪ Do I see ♪

[ Groans ]

This pile of dust is all that's left of me.

These are my ashes.

My remains.

No, it's ground crap from the gas station, okay?

Come on, you're drunk. Let's get you home.

You know, I thought that if I kept moving,

I could cheat death.

That's what I thought.

But that's not how it works, is it?

Someday I'm going to be just as dead as Lipschitz here.

And what did I leave? What did Lipschitz leave?

Disappointed hookers in Cancun is what he left.

But not me. I got...

I got half a business.

And some really memorable commercials.

And you.

A better daughter than this selfish asshole deserves.

And I lost you, didn't I?

Oh, Dad.

You know, I really would like to change.

I wanna change.

No, you don't.

No. No, I don't.

But I did break up with Sarah Jane.

- Really? - Yeah.

She wanted to keep the ring.

So, I said, "Go ahead, it's cubic zirconium anyway."

So she threw it at me.

Want it?

No, thank you.

That's too bad. It's the real deal.

It cost me 28 grand.

Let me see that.

Hey, Barbie doll. Barbie Barb.

Barbara, have I taught you anything?

I mean, in your whole life, have I taught you anything?

Look at me. What do you think?

I think you're a walking miracle, that's what I think.

I'd just like to think it didn't all come from your mom.

It didn't.

Thanks. Thank you.

Thank you.

You nervous?

Nah.

Not when you've walked down the aisle as many times as I have.

But you? You're the most beautiful bride I've ever seen.

Ready?

Yeah.

[ "Here Comes The Bride" plays ]

♪ The sun started shining ♪

♪ The day that I opened my eyes ♪

♪ And saw you ♪

♪ The way that you smile ♪

♪ And it's been a while now ♪

♪ And my heart grows stronger ♪

♪ And I take a memory each moment I'm with you ♪

♪ I think the stars are lining up for me ♪

♪ 'Cause I know that you are my blessing ♪

♪ What a day to love you ♪

♪ I've filled up ♪

♪ My heart is overflowing ♪

♪ What a day to love you ♪

BARBARA: I never thought I'd see them dance together.

OPHELIA: I'm so glad your mom's okay.

Of all your father's other wives, she was always my favorite.

Did your father tell you? We're getting married again.

To each other?

Of course.

[ Laughs ]

Well, third time's a charm.

Look at you. You're a knock-out, honey.

Thanks.

You think I could get away with wearing white?

Hey, there. I've been looking for you.

The day's been kind of intense. I was just looking for some quiet.

You know, once I remember sneaking away

from one of my weddings.

I'm guessing a bridesmaid was involved?

Maybe.

[ Laughs ]

[ "Blue Skies" plays ]

It's our song.

May I?

Yes, you may.

You're gonna love being married.

There's nothing like it in the world.

[ Laughs ]

Yeah.

♪ Time stands still ♪

♪ As bodies rise to meet ♪

♪ In the almost silent heat ♪

♪ Anticipation ♪

♪ You feel a chill ♪

♪ As cool air hits your skin ♪

♪ Where my anxious lips have been ♪

♪ Wild sensation ♪

♪ The moment is clear ♪

♪ There's nothing to fear ♪

♪ All the hurt that's been is left behind ♪

♪ I'm here with you now ♪

♪ I can't explain how ♪

♪ In a sea of change, you've stayed on my mind ♪

♪ Just when I thought love was done ♪

♪ I saw a world inside you ♪

♪ You shone out brighter than the sun ♪

♪ Don't run and hide ♪

♪ You won't be lied to ♪

♪ My world's inside ♪

♪ You lie awake ♪

♪ In the breathless afterglow ♪

♪ All the things you still don't know ♪

♪ Make you crazy ♪

♪ You want to take things one step at a time ♪

♪ But feelings so sublime make things hazy ♪

♪ The moment is clear ♪

♪ There's nothing to fear ♪

♪ All the hurt that's been is left behind ♪

♪ I'm here with you now ♪

♪ I can't explain how ♪

♪ In a sea of change, you've stayed on my mind ♪

♪ Just when I thought love was done ♪

♪ I saw a world inside you ♪

♪ You shone out brighter than the sun ♪

♪ Don't run and hide ♪

♪ You won't be lied to ♪

♪ My world's inside ♪

♪ Inside of you ♪

♪ And in the prism of my mind things are coming into view ♪

♪ My world's inside ♪

♪ I think it's true ♪

♪ This love will take your heart away ♪

♪ And fill it up with something new ♪

♪ Just when I thought love was done ♪

♪ I saw a world inside you ♪

♪ You shone out brighter than the sun ♪

♪ Don't run and hide ♪

♪ You won't be lied to ♪

♪ It seems to me you're running to get past this ♪

♪ I haven't seen you much in town ♪

♪ Can't remember places that you'd be ♪

♪ But looking back won't slow you down ♪

♪ Did you find the things that matter most? ♪

♪ The dreams you tried to chase ♪

♪ They were always right in front of you ♪

♪ Standing face to face ♪

♪ Blue skies are sometimes hard to find ♪

♪ They hide behind the brightness from the sun ♪

♪ The billboard signs and my street sounds ♪

♪ Can't explain what you've unwound ♪

♪ Little conversations you're having with yourself ♪

♪ Did you find the things that matter most? ♪

♪ Those dreams you tried to chase ♪

♪ They were always right in front of you ♪

♪ Standing face to face ♪

♪ All the things that matter most ♪

♪ The things you can't replace ♪

♪ They were always right in front of you ♪

♪ You were standing face to face ♪

♪ You were standing face to face ♪

♪ All the little things you chased ♪

♪ All the things you can't replace ♪

♪ You were standing face to face ♪

♪ All the little things you chased ♪

♪ All the things you can't replace ♪

♪ You were standing face... ♪