Original subtitles

(RAIN PATTERING)

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

? (INTRIGUING MUSIC PLAYING) ?

JEFF BALDWIN: Louie wanted to be the king.

Guess what happened there?

He lost.

Poor little Augustus Gloop

wanted to drink the chocolate river

and fell in the fountain and lost his opportunity.

I'm still the chancellor.

The protector of the kingdom.

(VIDEO GAME NOISES)

LOUIE MIGLIACCIO: Motherfucker.

Jeff fucked me.

And he fucked the deal.

What's the alternative? What's the fucking alternative?

If I don't buy this place

and George dies tomorrow, what's the alternative?

? (UNSETTLING MUSIC PLAYING) ?

LOUIE: George is a big loyalty guy, just like me.

We're all about loyalty.

And that's another reason I have a problem with Mr. Jeffrey.

Because he didn't have any loyalty to me, he fucked me.

I thought I didn't have to watch my back anymore.

I thought that things were settled.

This is not over.

Game of Thrones, you win or die.

? (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ?

? (BAGPIPE PLAYING) ?

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

There you go, ladies and gentlemen!

-(CROWD CHEERS) -(EXPLOSION)

? (PLAYFUL MUSIC PLAYING) ?

(CHICKENS CLUCKING)

GEORGE COULAM: Beautiful.

Okay. Here we go.

Yeah, that's good. Good price for that.

JESSE: Mm-hmm.

GEORGE: Next.

Give me the check sheet

on the brass columns for the bathroom.

JESSE: For the bathroom?

GEORGE: Yeah, remember I showed you

where they were going to go on the corner of the shower?

JESSE: No. You never--

-I didn't show you that? -JESSE: No.

-Come on. -JESSE: You didn't show me that.

GEORGE: Louie's a gangster fuck.

And I felt sorry for him,

and he asked me every year for six years to try to sell it.

And I prepared all this shit about how valuable it would be.

I said, this will be worth millions

and billions of dollars.

But his family wouldn't give him the money.

And I said, "Louie, they'd listen to you

a lot better if you'd cut your hair."

-(CAR DOOR OPENS) -(CAR DINGS)

GEORGE: See this? Had a dream. Rococo bathroom.

In my dream, I could see these columns.

That'll be the capital.

Make the capital separate right there.

And we'll cut it off so it's a triangle,

and we'll cut it off until it's a square.

Make one triangle and one square for over there.

GEORGE: Yes. Got it?

-JESSE: I got it. -GEORGE: Okay.

Retirement is very expensive.

(DRILL WHIRRING)

GEORGE: I want to spend two million on art,

and two million on the garden, and two million on me.

(WATER SPLASHING)

This is enough on this project.

Need to move on.

We're getting there, slowly but surely.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

DARLA SMITH: Louie was so close to owning the fair.

He was.

? ("HABANERA" PLAYING) ?

DARLA: I feel bad for him.

I really do.

Jeff told George it would be best

if he just held on to the fair forever.

(FAIRGOER SHOUTS)

DARLA: That was the safest place for Jeff.

STAFF: Morning, Darla.

DARLA: But George wants to retire,

so he's just going to liquefy his assets

little bit by little bit by little bit.

? (MUSIC CONTINUES) ?

JEFF: I told George that "It is my desire

to be the last general manager you ever have."

And he says, "I hope so, too."

I want George to feel confident enough

to just release the reins, come take carriage rides around,

but know that the daily operations

of the place are in good hands.

Trust me, all I want to do

is make the man happy. (CHUCKLES)

GEORGE: You okay?

-I'm here, babe. -GEORGE: Okay.

I've dried off your seat, George.

Your butt should not get wet.

JEFF: Is the owner or the manager here?

The manager can come meet King George.

-Hi, how are you? -ELIZABETH: My name's Elizabeth.

Hi Elizabeth, I'm George.

(SNIFFLES, LAUGHS) It's nice to meet you.

Listen, I'm retiring a little bit,

and I'm offering some of my shares

to the employees and the vendors.

And if you'd like to buy a share,

we'd be happy to have you.

Thank you. (LAUGHS)

Thanks for sharing your talents with us.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to get emotional,

-but it's just-- (SNIFFLES) -GEORGE: Okay. (CHUCKLES)

Do you think she was happy to be here?

(CHUCKLES)

JEFF: Good morning, King George would like a word with you.

GEORGE: I'm retiring a little bit.

-Okay. -GEORGE: But, uh--

VENDOR: How's this festival going to work without you?

GEORGE: Well, see, Jeffrey and Darla

are going to take over together.

All right, I appreciate it. Thank you.

GEORGE: Co-manager.

-(BOTH CHUCKLE) -Good to see you again.

Well, how long have you been here?

JOHN: From the beginning, day one.

GEORGE: Oh, my God!

-JOHN: And you know Darla? -GEORGE: Yeah.

JOHN: She is amazing. She...

GEORGE: I mean, unbelievable.

She was my manager almost 30 years ago.

-Is that right? -That's right.

Well, God damn. It's good to see you, John.

JOHN: You too, buddy.

DARLA: Folks here, did we talk to them yet?

We did not talk to these people here.

Okay. Let's hit him up.

-JEFF: Right here, George. -He should be the last in the group. Folks?

JEFF: We haven't hit this one yet.

King George would like to talk to you for a quick second.

JEFF: King George Coulam, the owner of the festival.

DARLA: George Coulam, owner of the fair,

would like to speak with you folks.

JEFF: King George Coulam, the owner of the festival.

-GEORGE: Just talk to Darla. -VENDOR 1: Okay.

-GEORGE: Or send Darla an email. -VENDOR 2: Yes, ma'am.

GEORGE: Darla. Darla. Darla.

-VENDOR 3: I love her. -VENDOR 4: Darla's the best.

Just talk to Darla.

? (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ?

DARLA: I'm going to finish getting contracts out,

and keep getting contracts in, and...

I'll touch base with you tomorrow, George.

If you need me for anything, just let me know, okay?

Yeah. Yeah.

JEFF: I thought I was Charlie.

? (PENSIVE MUSIC PLAYING) ?

JEFF: But right now, I feel more like Mike Teevee.

He gets shrunk down to a little bitty person,

and then the Oompa Loompas take him away.

He loses out, he doesn't get a chocolate factory.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(RIDE CREAKING)

LOUIE: Let's see the last few sales

we can get today.

And you guys will be pulled in in like ten minutes,

but put that pole right there.

-You need a drink. -I do need a drink,

but I stopped drinking a long time ago.

Do you have any energy drinks, Monster, anything like that?

I do not carry energy drinks, but I love your accoutrements.

LOUIE: Thank thee, thank thee.

You look very well. Have you been here very long?

I've been here longer than I can remember.

VENDOR: Oh, no! (LAUGHS)

-Yeah. -VENDOR: That sounds very sad.

No, I love it here. It's been a long time.

-I've been here a long time. -VENDOR: Wonderful. Whoa!

(PHONE BUZZING)

LOUIE: You know, everybody's got their own angle,

but I believe in Darla,

and I believe Darla wants the best for this place,

regardless if that includes me or not.

If I'm enemy number one today,

I would expect her to distance herself from me,

because you don't want to be next to a grenade.

Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.

-(PHONE CHIMES) -Hey, what's up?

PATRON 1: Do y'all think you can take a picture of us?

Sure, you can take a picture with me.

-(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS) -PATRON 2: Got it.

-Thank you so much. -You're very welcome.

I hope you have a good day today.

-PATRON 1: You too. -Good, thank you.

LOUIE: The season hasn't been fun for me,

and it's sad.

And if it's my time to go, it's my time to fucking go.

And I know that my future will be bright somewhere.

Anyway, I got to get out to count out.

So I really appreciate talking to you.

And we'll talk soon, all right? Thanks.

EMPLOYEES: (CHANTING) All hail Lord Louie!

Lord of Corn! Whoo!

JEFF: The festival's over. The festival's closed.

Putting it to sleep for another year.

I'm just thankful I have a job come January,

because really that's the bottom line.

I don't, you know, 60 years old,

you don't want to be searching for a new job.

I kind of want my story to end here.

(SIGHS)

It is a ritual that I have.

I can roll down the window

and I can hear the crowd from the arena.

I'll detox from the day. I'll listen to some music.

Have you ever heard any of the music

from Shrek the Musical?

Yeah, I'm looking for it.

? ("WHO I'D BE" BY BRIAN D'ARCY JAMES AND DANIEL BREAKER PLAYING) ?

You're gonna love this song.

This is Shrek.

It's the reason I did the show.

? I guess I'd be a hero ?

? With sword ?

-? And armor clashing ? -? And armor clashing ?

-? Looking semi-dashing ? -? Looking semi-dashing ?

-? A shield within my grip ? -? A shield within my grip ?

(TOGETHER) ? Or else I'd be a Viking ?

? And live a life of daring ?

? While smelling Like a herring ?

? Upon a Viking ship ?

? I'd sail away I'd see the world ?

? I'd reach The farthest reaches ?

? I'd feel the wind I'd taste the salt ?

-? And sea ? -? And sea ?

? And maybe storm ?

? Some beaches ?

? That's who I'd be ?

? That's who I'd be ?

(CROWD CHEERING)

? (SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING) ?

(FIREWORKS WHISTLING)

(PERFORMERS CHATTERING)

JEFF: You're the people who make the magic happen.

You're the people who these kids and generations

have been coming back year after year to see.

Who could ask for a better life? Who could ask for anything more?

So here's to the magic, guys.

ALL: To the magic!

To Brandi and Jeff.

-ALL: To Brandi and Jeff! -Thank you.

You guys are too nice, thank you very much.

My friends...

Brandi and I made a choice,

really even before we married,

that we weren't going to have children

because basically we're too childlike ourselves.

And too selfish.

PERFORMER 1: Whoo!

JEFF: But, you know, I do look at you

-as my children. -(PERFORMER 2 LAUGHS)

You certainly bring me enough joy to be my children.

I'm proud of you all the time.

? (SOMBER MUSIC CONTINUES) ?

To the company.

ALL: To the company!

(ALL CHEER, APPLAUD)

BRANDI: All right! Great day today.

-All righty, girl. -Sneaking on out?

-I am sneaking out. -All right.

-Love you. -I love you.

Drive safe.

-? (SOMBER MUSIC CONTINUES) ? -(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(ENGINE STARTS)

JEFF: It was a good, safe year.

We made a lot of money.

Made George a lot of money.

We made a lot of people a lot of money.

Made lots of people happy.

Made lots of people forget the mundane,

enjoy themselves for an afternoon or a day.

Hopefully, it means something to him.

? (SOMBER MUSIC CONTINUES) ?

? (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ?

JEFF:

GEORGE:

JEFF:

GEORGE: Okay.

JEFF:

GEORGE:

JEFF:

GEORGE:

JEFF: This is what I came up with.

GEORGE:

JEFF:

GEORGE:

JEFF:

GEORGE:

JEFF:

GEORGE:

JEFF:

GEORGE:

DARLA:

GEORGE:

Jeffrey. Jeffrey.

JEFF: Okay.

? (SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING) ?

-(CAR DOOR CLOSES) -(ENGINE STARTS)

(JEFF SOBS)

My life, everything I had in life

is because of the Texas Renaissance Festival. (SOBS)

How did I fail?

(SOBS) How did I fail?

I wish I could figure that out.

Just, "You piss me off."

"You piss me off and you're gone."

There's our benevolent king.

I thought by being true...

I thought by being honest...

(INHALES SHARPLY)

But that's not... that's not the way the world is.

It's not.

The righteous don't always win.

They don't. They don't.

In this case, the righteous was fucked.

GLENDA: (OVER PHONE) Hi, Jeff. It's Glenda.

Listen, baby, I just got the news,

and I... I hate that. Jesus fucking Christ.

I think that man's lost his mind,

and I know that bitch has.

FRIEND 1: Just want you to know I'm thinking of you.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

-I love you, brother. -FRIEND 2: I'm so sorry.

-I'm sure you're shocked. -SISTER-IN-LAW: Wow.

After all of that loyalty and time.

You know, that kind of shit comes around.

(BREATHES DEEPLY)

I'm just kind of numb.

So what am I gonna do?

-I'm sorry, baby. -JEFF: No, baby, I'm sorry.

(SNIFFLES)

BRANDI: You don't need to be.

I fucked up everything.

There'll be no severance.

No "here's vacation pay." There won't be any of that.

Now that whole portion of my life is dead, wasted.

(INHALES DEEPLY)

(BIRDS TWITTERING)

GEORGE: You want some information

about an American Rococo bathroom.

? (MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING) ?

You are standing in the world's first

American art Rococo bathroom.

Rococo.

Rococo art was in the early 18th century.

And it basically is really elaborate.

Every space and every wall and every ceiling

was used to use decoration.

So Rococo means overly decorated.

And that's what art is meant to be.

But the people that came in, like Andy Warhol,

they pulled the sheet over people's eyes.

It just stinks. People don't... What the hell?

There's no art in the Campbell's soup can.

What they're trying to do is jerk off

the American people, and all people.

They're trying to jerk them off with this.

Ugly art is not art.

And so, my aphorism of the year is

that the road to a perfect life

is spending 100 percent of your time

thinking positive in all elements of life.

Never spend one second feeling bad about anything.

Spend all of your time making things feel better.

For a good of the perfect life.

(GROANS)

Come on, you guys.

Come on.

DARLA: Hello, Carolyn.

CAROLYN: Hey. Darla and Virginia's here.

DARLA: Yeah.

(DOOR CLOSES)

GEORGE: Okay, now you guys gotta understand

what I did here was a hard thing.

It took me four days.

My brain going like a ping-pong ball.

-I can only imagine. -GEORGE: One side

of my brain says,

"Listen, Jeff's a nice person. Just go on about your business."

Then the other half of my brain says,

"No. He's a bad doggy. He's gonna be like that."

-That's just who he is. -Okay.

Okay, now, give me your check sheet.

That's my check sheet with what everybody's working on

-right now. -GEORGE: Okay.

VIRGINIA: I have my check sheet.

And Virginia has hers, too.

This is everything that we're gonna be working on.

-This is Virginia's right here, right? -DARLA: Mm-hmm. Yep.

-Real estate. -DARLA: Real estate.

I did notice that somebody put one of the lots

on that road for sale, so I'm going to look into that,

-and see what they're asking... -Yeah.

-...for that lot. -Call them and ask them.

Get your appointment in there, okay?

-Now, marketing. -DARLA: Mm-hmm.

GEORGE: Well, you don't have anything in here

under marketing.

DARLA: Yes, and I have that, I just did not bring it with me.

But I'm going to get that, and I'll pull it down into

a smaller report and everything.

GEORGE: What is the justification

for not bringing the marketing plan?

DARLA: (MUNCHES) That's a great question.

(SCOFFS, CHUCKLES) That's a good question.

(LAUGHS)

? (DISTORTED MUSIC PLAYING) ?

GEORGE: Darla, this ain't that tough a deal.

This should take one day

-to write up a plan. -Okay.

GEORGE: Now, you need to be in charge

of finding us a buyer for the festival.

Well, I think what we need to do

is learn from our mistakes and make sure

that we do our due diligence now

if you're thinking about somebody.

GEORGE: Darla.

All you have to do is make the plan.

DARLA: Okay. I'll put the plan together.

-And just write up your plan. -Okay.

GEORGE: Well, let me see your... your reading plan.

DARLA: I don't have my reading plan,

-they're... stacked up. -Darla, do you even know

what a reading plan would look like?

DARLA: Yes, you told me I need to dedicate

a certain amount of time,

and say I'm gonna read X amount of pages or chapters.

Every time I go to the bathroom, I'll have certain books

sitting right there to read it.

And then if I take a shit or a pee, I gotta read the book.

Every time I get laid, you gotta read the book.

Soon as I get laid, I finish, I gotta read that book.

? (MUSIC FADES) ?

Is that right?

? (�VICTORIA'S SECRET� BY JAX PLAYING) ?

? I know Victoria's secret ?

? And, girl You wouldn't believe ?

? She's an old man Who lives in Ohio ?

? Making money off Of girls like me ?

? Cashin' in on body issues ?

? Sellin' skin and bones With big boobs ?

DARLA: When I was 19 years old,

I ran away with the Renaissance Festival.

-? She was made up by a dude ? -? Made up by a dude ?

DARLA: That's what I've always loved to do.

? Victoria was made up By a dude ?

DARLA: I was making 70 dollars a week and living on it.

(MOUSE CLICKING)

DARLA: But learned a lot about business.

DARLA: Back in the day,

we ended up getting our very own elephant,

which is almost impossible.

This is Paige. Paige is actually one of the girls

that are here at the fair.

We were the elephant for the Texas lottery.

ELEPHANT: So, uh, are we going to talk about this?

Talk about what?

The 500 million dollar blockbuster

from the Texas lottery.

You know, and the whole thing was,

"I think we need to talk about the elephant in the room.

We need to talk about the Texas lottery."

You know what? Try 40, okay? Not to mention ten prizes.

DARLA: Working for George is whiplash.

He is brilliant and he is a visionary.

? (INTRIGUING MUSIC PLAYING) ?

DARLA: But the fair succeeds in spite of him.

Everybody's looking at the torch being passed.

But I think it's time for the king to step down.

(DOOR LOCK BEEPING)

DARLA: If we can find somebody to buy this fair...

George can retire.

And until somebody else owns this fair,

everyone is at risk.

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

(DOOR CREAKING)

(ELECTRICITY HUMS)

(EXHALES SHARPLY)

(ROOSTER CROWS)

(COUGHS)

TIMMY: Wizard!

Hi, young fella.

? (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) ?

(GUNSHOTS FIRING)

RESIDENT: The first one to hit, buys a round of beer.

(GUNSHOTS FIRING)

TIMMY: So you don't think he'll sell it?

-No. -(GUNSHOT FIRES)

Just like I don't think we're going to hit

one of these targets.

-(GUNSHOTS FIRING) -(CLANGS)

I don't know why he would anyway.

-I don't know either. -It's a gold mine.

Yep, a gold mine.

-? (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) ? -(GUNSHOTS FIRING)

-RESIDENT: Hey! -Boom!

All right, I gotta buy beer.

REPORTER: The Texas Ren Fest is a place filled

with homemade fair costumes, turkey legs, and themes.

But now there's some speculation

if the Texas Ren Fest will return

for its 49th year.

Recently, an ad in the magazine Funworld

showed the 900-acre complex in Todd Mission is up for sale.

TIMMY: Oh, that's not good.

(MUNCHES)

(PHONE RINGING)

(MACHINE BEEPS)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

-MARIA: Opa! -Opa!

MARIA: I have to step away for a second.

-(CELL PHONE RINGING) -GEOFF: Kind of had a feeling.

Hello.

MASKED PATRON: Uh, is anyone going to take my order?

DARLA: The previous situation with the buyer

has fallen through.

Yeah, George has decided to keep pursuing

finding one person to buy the whole thing out all at once.

And so, if you guys are interested,

you won't be stepping on anybody's toes.

What, are you getting a pump in?

SON: Oh, yeah.

-What are those, 20s? -SON: Thirties.

No.

DARLA: He knows that you guys are a strong family unit.

He knows that you work very hard.

Work those forearms. It's all in the grillin'.

DARLA: Anytime that we drive by your booths

and stuff like that, he always says,

"Oh, I don't need to know what's going on with them.

They do a great job." Sixty million.

That's the number. (LAUGHS) Well, good. Yes, it is.

I will definitely be around to support whoever it is.

If they want me, of course.

All right. Talk soon. Okay. Bye-bye.

? (UPBEAT MUSIC STOPS) ?

(EXHALES SHARPLY)

? (UPBEAT MUSIC RESUMES) ?

-DARLA: Hey, Virginia. -VIRGINIA: Yes, ma'am.

Uh, the buyer is asking about banking information

for them to be able to set up their new bank account.

Yes.

If you can shoot that over to him, please.

VIRGINIA: Okay.

DARLA: The Greeks, they knew that this was an option.

And then when things kind of cooled off with Louie,

that's when they stepped up.

The Greeks are gonna make it happen.

GEOFF: The food of the gods, milords and ladies.

-Food of the gods. -MARIA: Who's next please?

Good day, welcome. One gyro.

We're gonna do some fresh home-cut fries with that?

We need to expand.

We're... we're too busy for the size we have right now.

DARLA: Well, you know, George, these are the Greeks.

These are the guys that you don't have to worry about.

I told them that you want 60 million,

and they did not balk.

They do not need loans.

Their family member is a real estate mogul.

They mean business.

GEORGE: Georgie just wants to chase pussy and have fun.

I'm just going to sit back and relax.

Whoever comes across with the cash gets it.

The Greeks, they're really good.

Yeah, they're great.

(IN GREEK)

(IN ENGLISH) Well, we got all the paperwork.

Just have to do our due diligence now.

God willing.

(LAUGHS) God willing, it'll be a happy ending.

(WHIRRING)

MARIA: Or a new beginning.

DARLA: All right, y'all.

Here is to getting to the finish line.

Absolutely.

Getting through a fantastic fair season

and a new beginning.

-Definitely a new beginning. -Cheers.

-Fantastic. -Here's to it all.

Cheers.

We're gonna do it.

? (UPBEAT MUSIC ENDS) ?

(COW MOOING)

JEFF: After I was fired,

I literally wallowed in self-pity

and didn't do much of anything.

Rarely got dressed, didn't shave for a month.

And I looked for work, but you know,

sometimes even the look for work is depressing.

But the weight loss helped.

After my surgery on the 21st, my weight reduction surgery,

I have a little more energy, I do.

Even Brandi will tell you that once I started

getting active again...

(SAW WHIRRING)

...that my mood improved.

BRANDI: Get out of my way.

I can't get them if you're in my way.

(JINGLES)

JEFF: So you're going back to school?

LAUREN CROFT: I think I'm going back to school.

I got accepted, uh, about two weeks ago.

Um, told y'all, I haven't told my mom yet though. (LAUGHS)

So, whoops.

I kind of floundered. I'm still kind of floundering.

Yeah.

Cause now I'm stressed about the fact

that I can't find a job.

And I mean, we have a Meow Wolf coming to Houston

and I don't know anything about it, but...

I post out to jobs all the time.

I don't... I haven't stopped.

I'm hoping that, you know, 25 years in the profession...

-LAUREN: Yeah. -...it counts for...

-LAUREN: Something. -...would account for something.

LAUREN: Did last year kill all the magic for you?

Yeah. Yeah.

You know, yeah, yeah.

LAUREN: Yeah, I kind of miss the place.

It's one of those things where it's like my home away from home...

-(VOICE CONTINUES MUFFLED) -(SOUND DISTORTS)

(KEYBOARD CLACKING)

JEFF: Oh, babe, they haven't put

an ad up for an entertainment director yet.

BRANDI: Yay. Now let's go to sleep.

? (SENTIMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING) ?

(CROWD CHEERING)

JEFF: Dear George,

over the last month I've done a lot of

soul-searching and contemplating about our last meeting.

I love the festival more than anything in my life,

and the thought of not having it in my life is nearly unbearable.

I realize now that the general manager position

was not a good fit for me or my talent,

a realization I'm certain you came to months ago.

This place is very special to me.

I've been shot, stabbed, hung, beheaded, risen from the dead.

But as the entertainment director,

I feel I served you faithfully for over a quarter of a century.

It's what I am.

And what defines me.

Please, I beg you, let me do this

and prove to you my love of the festival.

(SIGHS)

I don't like the last part.

(CAT MEOWS)

-I don't like the word beg. -JEFF: Suggestions?

BRANDI: The whole thing smacks of desperation,

but you know him better than I do.

Yeah, that's why I put the word "beg" in there.

-BRANDI: Okay. (LAUGHS) -(LAUGHS)

Then you go with your gut.

(KEYBOARD CLACKING)

-JEFF: Yes. -The cat agrees.

(JEFF EXHALES SHARPLY)

DARLA: I was actually talking to another fair owner,

because of course it's out there.

-(TELEPHONE RINGING) -And he didn't believe.

He-- And I said, "Oh, ye of little faith."

I said, "Don't ever underestimate me."

-VIRGINIA: (LAUGHS) Exactly. -(LAUGHS)

So I'm actually looking forward to calling him up...

-(VIRGINIA LAUGHS) -...when this is done,

and saying, "Aha, there you go. See, told you."

VIRGINIA: Did it.

This is the, yes, this is the rabbit out of the hat thing

that everybody thinks it's going to be, but 11 days.

VIRGINIA: (LAUGHS) Eleven days.

DARLA: Okay, until closing.

Yes.

DARLA: But George works in cycles.

-Yes. -He has his days that are...

he's really aggressive sometimes.

And then he has his days that he's not

-and he's doing his art. -Yes.

So I think based on the fact that we have 11 days,

-we have one more cycle. -VIRGINIA: Yes.

(INSECTS CHIRPING)

? (CHORAL MUSIC PLAYING FAINTLY) ?

GEORGE: Lunch date at 12 o'clock at the Olive Garden.

Very beautiful lady.

I mean, really nice.

But she's 24.

Not a lot of ladies have natural breasts now.

And if I reach out and I feel plastic,

it's like somebody just shot me in the heart.

GEORGE: Park in the handicap.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

GEORGE: Those are natural breasts?

I do not have natural breasts.

I had an operation, I'd say about a year ago,

where I went from a size A

-to a full D. -Okay.

Okay.

We're done.

? (SOFT MUSIC PLAYING) ?

GREG: So, George, we had a company make our video.

GREG: (THROUGH VIDEO) Nobles, knights, ladies, lords,

peasants, and paupers.

And I did the voiceover to the video.

...to the Texas Renaissance Festival.

Revel with musicians and entertainers

throughout the village on over a dozen stages.

-Enjoy a bounty... -GEORGE: Close it down.

Todd, you need to give a complete ad so that it runs

and we can hear it and that's all gargling

and we can't hear a damn thing.

GREG: Oh, I got a bad speaker.

Ah, no! Don't!

It don't exist!

DARLA: Okay.

Bad speaker, no exist.

-GREG: Yeah, I'm s-- -Bad speaker, no exist.

GREG: You want me to bring another one out for you?

No, I want you and Todd to present a goddamn finished ad.

Oh, okay, well that's what I was trying to do.

I just don't have a good speaker.

(SPLUTTERS)

Unless it's perfect, it ain't no good.

No sale. No sale, perfect.

No excuses, no period.

Okay.

GEORGE: Did you see the ad?

DARLA: I haven't seen it since he did the voiceover yet.

-No. -DARLA: Not completed.

GEORGE: No, you don't do that. Don't add that.

GREG: (THROUGH VIDEO) Nobles, knights...

Well, here, I've been playing it for her.

GEORGE: You say you have not seen the completed ad.

I have not seen the completed ad.

GEORGE: Okay. What's the next one? We need tickets.

DARLA: Tickets.

? (PENSIVE MUSIC PLAYING) ?

DARLA: (CLEARS THROAT) So opening weekend,

we have sold almost 1,500 tickets.

What percentage of that is all the tickets you've sold?

DARLA: What's the total on here?

God almighty, over 20 percent of the people

-are buying that ticket. -DARLA: Right.

Why are they buying that ticket?

TEAGAN: Because our marketing is working.

Because it's the cheapest ticket!

-TEAGAN: Yup. -Okay. Thank you, Teagan.

-Okay. -Fuck.

Let me see your book.

-DARLA: It's on sponsorships. -On sponsorship, where is it?

Yeah, she was just ordering that.

Did you find a good one for sponsorships?

I didn't think we had one.

GEORGE: I read the books.

I read them. The fact that you don't have

either one of those books, what does that mean?

DARLA: That means that I do not have

the same information that you have.

Oh, Darla, you got to start from the beginning.

You don't have any intention

because it is not in your vocabulary.

When I-- You've got to find a book.

What's the book you've got to find?

-DARLA: For sponsorships. -No.

What's the book you as a human being have to find?

DARLA: I don't know George, tell me.

-"Why don't I read more?" -DARLA: Ah, I got you.

"What's wrong with my reading habits?"

In 53 years, you've never developed

-a habit of reading. -Right.

GEORGE: You do everything empirically.

You look at it with your own two eyes

and your own two ears.

And it goes in and goes through a cement mixer

in your brain, and then out pops the answer.

That's why you don't read.

Because why should you read? You don't need any.

You don't need to read.

DARLA: Gotcha.

GEORGE: That's what you gotta do.

Just shut the fuck up and ask some questions.

Because you don't know anything.

Okay.

GEORGE: That's when you have a reading habit

and it's all spelled out for you and you have a check in sheet

and you go down and it says, "Yes, I read my..."

(VOICE DISTORTING)

DARLA: George is afraid...

because his entire being is wrapped up in this.

He's built this kingdom in this little bubble

and he controls and has leverage over everybody.

That kind of power is not much different than an addiction.

If he can't let go...

if he can't make that shift...

where are we going to be?

? (MUSIC FADES) ?

One time I was sitting in the dining room

of the family home, and my mother was in the hall

on the telephone.

And she was telling her sister

all her trials and tribulations with George.

And of course, when she came out of the...

the hall, and she looked straight at me,

and then she realized

that I'd listened to every word she said.

And she said, "Oh, honey, I didn't mean that.

I did this and I said..."

She's ranting and raving and Jesus Christ.

She was a bitch.

She castrated my father, but my father didn't care.

Wow.

GEORGE: So I'm afraid to have a woman do that to me.

And so I'm very careful and watching.

When they get their knife out to cut my balls off,

I have a reaction.

And I get away from her as fast as I can.

? (SOFT MUSIC PLAYING) ?

Because I didn't follow the code of the Mormon church,

I was vilified.

My mother just had a fit,

and so she spent all of her time telling all the relatives

what a dirty, rotten son of a bitch I was.

And they treated me like the black sheep of the family.

Aunts, uncles, cousins, six brothers and sisters.

(BELL JINGLING)

GEORGE: And when I started the festival,

not one of them motherfuckers

called me up and said, "Way to go, George.

We're so proud of you." Not one.

But then everybody died.

So who cares?

(INDISTINCT CHATTER ON TV)

-(TV SHUTS OFF) -(CRICKETS CHIRPING)

ANNOUNCER: And now, The King!

? (FANFARE PLAYING) ?

GREG: Thank you, trumpeters.

It's time for you to enjoy another episode of

Hear Ye, Hear Ye! A Texas-style Renaissance Podcast.

And today, I am very excited

because I have our new

and returning entertainment director.

Lords and ladies, welcome Jeff Baldwin.

BOTH: Huzzah!

You had a very interesting several months,

and, uh,

how do you feel about being back at the festival?

I'm very thankful to be back creating,

and creating for something I've given my life to.

Yes, it's a demotion,

but let's take this as an opportunity

to create something new.

And that's kind of the way I've looked at it.

Let's take it as an opportunity.

I'm still very passionate about the festival. I still am.

I mean, God knows he could probably fire me

a dozen more times, and I'd still love the place.

I mean, I've given my life to it.

It's my life's work.

I find solace at my desk, you know,

being able to, you know, create,

do graphics. And ultimately,

I think something positive will come out of it.

GREG: What do you think positive will come out of it?

JEFF: I don't know, you know.

Artistic happiness, you know, growth.

It's good to be back at work, it is.

GREG: All right, lords and ladies,

our new and returning entertainment director,

Jeff Baldwin.

KARL: So where are we at with the rough drafts

of the 2023 brochures, George?

We just need to make sure that we're getting the pictures

that we need to fill it

so that it's nice and fresh and current...

? (CONTEMPLATIVE MUSIC PLAYING) ?

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

GEORGE: Call Carolyn.

SIRI: Calling Carolyn Richards mobile.

(LINE RINGING)

CAROLYN: Good morning, Mr. George.

Darla sent me a message yesterday

saying that I needed to work through the closing cost.

So I just want you to know I'm going to reach out to Andrew

-because I do need to be involved in that. -Jesus Christ.

What is the closing cost?

CAROLYN: I don't know yet. I'm working on that right now.

When Judge Judy asks you a question,

you can't say, "I don't know." (LAUGHS)

CAROLYN: I'm working through it, Mr. George.

It's just going to take some time

because here's what's going to happen next Tuesday.

GEORGE: Give me a low and a high.

CAROLYN: I'm sorry?

GEORGE: Give me a low and a high.

CAROLYN: Oh, I can't do it that quick, but I'll try.

What do you mean you can't do it that quick?

Just ask your brain. Ask your brain.

What's the low and the high for the closing cost?

You must just say my...

CAROLYN: Hear me out for a second.

The deposits, the prepaids, are 1.9 million dollars.

You gotta give that to the buyer.

They're gonna deduct it from the money he pays you.

What you're telling me right now

is the sale is going down the tubes right quickly here.

Because that is too scrambled up and too bullshit right there.

I'll call-- You-- you--

You work with it. See what you can come up with.

-But I'll call Darla. -CAROLYN: Okay.

CAROLYN: Thank you.

(MUTTERS ANGRILY)

? (CONTEMPLATIVE MUSIC CONTINUES) ?

(PHONE BUZZING)

Hello, this is Darla.

Yes, sir, I sure do.

Okay.

For the sale?

Would you mind letting me know why we're doing this?

Gotcha. Okay.

Okay.

So let me ask the question. Is there any chance, George?

Okay.

? (PENSIVE MUSIC PLAYING) ?

Gotcha.

Okay.

Gotcha.

Okay.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

JEFF: If the place doesn't sell,

there's part of me that thinks before.

BRANDI: Being the general manager and being in power?

JEFF: It will come back.

He's not going to find anybody more loyal.

He's not.

He's not going to find anybody more trustworthy,

because if I wasn't trustworthy,

I think I would have been gone by now.

I don't think he would have brought me back.

So if the sale falls through, he gets rid of Darla.

-You know I would. -Hm.

JEFF: You know I would.

Brandi, I think he would whistle a different tune.

? (PENSIVE MUSIC CONTINUES) ?

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

GEORGE: Darla, show me a draft

of your thumbnail sketch

for your ticket plan for next year.

You don't have that, right?

DARLA: Last four months, you told me to work on your sale.

GEORGE: I don't want you ever to say,

"But George, you've said..."

You know how much bullshit that is? I don't need it.

All you need to do is say, "I'll get it. I'll get it."

DARLA: For the last four months...

GEORGE: She's not getting it, is she?

DARLA: You told me to work on your sale.

And now you're blaming me for something that you did not

give me the time to do.

GEORGE: We're past the deal. We're past it.

We're past the goddamn deal and me telling you that.

-DARLA: Absolutely. -GEORGE: Okay. You just do it.

DARLA: As long as you are realistic, George.

GEORGE: No, don't, don't! God, see, you just did it again.

Jesus Christ.

DARLA: I'm simply asking you to be...

GEORGE: I know, but I don't want you to do that anymore.

I don't want you to bring that up.

I don't want any more anything about anything!

DARLA: We'll get it done, George.

GEORGE: Fuck it!

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

DARLA: It was not about the deal.

(CORK POPS)

DARLA: It was not about the deal.

If this one can fall through, as perfect

as this deal was for him,

I don't think we'll ever get to this point ever again.

And George will run this fair for the rest of his life.

That's where we're at.

GEORGE: Here, how do you spell Louie?

-L-O-U-I-E. -GEORGE: What?

-L. -GEORGE: L.

-O. -GEORGE: O.

-U. -GEORGE: U.

-I. -GEORGE: I.

-E. -GEORGE: E.

-GEORGE: God. -SECRETARY: Yes, sir.

GEORGE: I have so much trouble with that.

(SECRETARY LAUGHS)

GEORGE: L... Because just Lu...ee.

So the O is silent.

SECRETARY: Right.

GEORGE: Lo-ee. (CHUCKLES)

-No, O is no... -(SECRETARY LAUGHS)

GEORGE: O is silent.

Yes.

-GEORGE: Shit. -(SECRETARY LAUGHS)

SECRETARY: George, Louie's here.

GEORGE: Get your ugly ass in and shut up and sit down.

I don't mean to interrupt.

I thought I'd catch you before you started the day.

So how's it going?

Okay.

LOUIE: Good. All right, so this is what I got for you.

The goal is to get you to retire officially on December 15th.

And then to work directly with you on daily operations

to ensure successful passing the torch

for me to eventually solely run this

Texas Renaissance Festival for future years.

-And then... -GEORGE: Oh, wait a minute now.

You want to buy the festival on the...

-Monday. -GEORGE: Monday.

-Right. -GEORGE: This coming Monday.

That would be the best for the festival.

Okay.

And so...

LOUIE: I do have to make sure that...

Is everything with the previous sale completed?

Because I've gotta, you know, I'm being counseled

by my attorneys to make sure that

there's no interference and no issues.

-GEORGE: Louie. -I know me and you.

-George, but... -GEORGE: Write it...

-Write it down. Got it. -...down.

-GEORGE: Buyout plan. -No problem.

I can have that for you tomorrow or Friday.

-GEORGE: Okay. -Okay.

GEORGE: Just write it all down and I'll look at it,

and we'll check it off.

-Okay. -GEORGE: Okay.

Got it.

GEORGE: L-O-U, no, L-O-I-U.

U-I-E, you had it.

-GEORGE: L-O-U-I-E. -U... U-I-E.

-E. -GEORGE: E.

-God. -I know it's difficult.

If it helps, you can say Luigi, or you can just call me...

GEORGE: Well, it's because the O's silent.

Right, right. (CHUCKLES)

GEORGE: See, if you just left the O out, that's Louie.

(LOUIE LAUGHS)

Just L-U-I-E, I guess.

There you go.

I'll give you a call tonight a call tonight on the way home,

and I can walk you through that document.

We'll rock it out.

? (MUFFLED FANFARE PLAYING) ?

Thank you, trumpeters, and well met, goodly listeners.

It's a pleasure to have you back

for another episode of Hear Ye, Hear Ye!

A Texas-style renaissance podcast.

So, George, what qualities

have you looked for over the years in a leader?

You know, you've chosen a lot of general managers

and people out here to work for you.

What do you look for?

Gregly-poo, I don't have no answer to that...

-(GREG LAUGHS) -...because everything I've done

so far has been not good.

Right.

But I know that you've helped so many people

create their own kingdoms here at the Renaissance,

and I just wonder how that makes you feel

to know you've done--

you've done good things for people,

and that you're appreciated for that.

Make you happy.

I don't think about that.

GREG: (LAUGHS) You don't.

-No. -You don't. (LAUGHS)

-Right. -(PHONE RINGING)

-EDDIE: Yes, sir. -Let's go.

EDDIE: All right. I'm on my way.

I'm gonna change my pants.

EDDIE: All right, bye.

Huzzah.

(ENGINE REVS)

EDDIE: You excited about retirement, George?

Oh, I don't know.

We'll just take it slow and easy and see how it goes.

(BURPS)

It'll be fun.

We'll have a fun time.

? (SOFT MUSIC PLAYING) ?

-VIRGINIA: Louie? -DARLA: Is he coming?

LOUIE: Oh, George is here.

VIRGINIA: You don't say do it to it?

DARLA: Yeah, he always comes through--

GEORGE: I'll slap ya beside the head, boy.

I'm going to introduce Louie

-when they come in one by one. -DARLA: Okay.

-VIRGINIA: Oh, I didn't-- -DARLA: Thank you.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

-DARLA: This is Jeff's. -JEFF: Uh-huh, this is me.

GEORGE: Louie, he's here because he's agreed to buy my shares.

He will be the new godfather for the festival.

I will retire.

He'll be sitting in this seat right here.

? (PENSIVE MUSIC PLAYING) ?

GEORGE: New commander. All hail the new commander.

Louie.

He's the largest shareholder in the festival...

(MUFFLED) ...and we're entering an agreement

and he's gonna buy my stocks.

Okay? I'm selling my shares to him.

So shortly he will be your new boss.

Okay, now, here we go.

JEFF: When you come to the Renaissance Festival,

you or anybody can pretend to be something that they're not.

You can play the fantasy.

? (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) ?

CRIER: Out, peasants! Make way for the King!

King Jeffrey!

(ELEPHANT TRUMPETS)

JEFF: To think that anyone else...

CRIER: All hail Lord Louie!

JEFF: ...could be king...

CRIER: Lord of Corn!

JEFF: ...it was just a...

fantasy.

CRIER: Make way for the carriage.

Make way for the King.

? (DRAMATIC MUSIC CONTINUES) ?

(LAUGHTER)

? (DRAMATIC MUSIC CONCLUDES) ?

? (SOFT MUSIC PLAYING) ?

JEFF: That old adage, you know, if you don't learn from history,

you're destined to relive it.

It'll all happen again. It'll all happen again.

The whole cycle will happen again.

So I'm still playing the long game.

We all are.

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

? (MUSIC FADES) ?

GEORGE: What is a king without his kingdom?

He's nothing.

? (PENSIVE MUSIC PLAYING) ?

? (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ?

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