All language subtitles for Nick.Cannon.Stand.Up.Dont.Shoot.2017.1080p.WEBRip.x264.AAC-[YTS.MX]

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- [man] What do we want?
- [all] Peace!

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- [man] When do we want it?
- [all] Now!

- [man] What do we want?
- [all] Peace!

- [man] When do we want it?
- [all] Now!

Heavenly father, we thank you
for the opportunity

to greet you in prayer,
and we thank you for this moment

for brother Nick, and all
the production, Father God,

and we just ask that you allow
your spirit to be upon him,

shower the favor upon him,

shower it upon
the room tonight,

Father God,
let the laughter flow.

In Jesus' name, Amen.

[all] It's your neighborhood!

- [man] What do we want?
- [all] Peace!

- [man] When do we want it?
- [all] Now!

Now, let me tell you
about comics.

See, if you look up
Redd Foxx and them,

ain't no record of 'em.

- Hmm.
- They worked black nightclubs.

And what's funny? Why?

Because it's a rhythm they had
for the suffering.

- Hmm. Rhythm for the suffering.
- You see? You hear me?

See, Queen Elizabeth one of
the richest women in the world.

- Mm-hmm.
- So--and beautiful.

You see that gorgeous ho when
she was a little girl?

- [laughing]
- Listen to this.

I'm sorry, bitch,
I called you a ho,

but you know you one.

- Hmm?
- [laughing]

All the king's horses
and all the king's men,

couldn't put your ass
back together again.

Now, that's who you
fuckin' with now.

What should I do,
I mean, as a comic,

getting ready for
this next special?

And I'm talking
about everything.

I'm talking about all the stuff they probably

don't even want me
to talk about.

[Dick] Here's what you do.

For Nick Cannon
to come on the road, man.

it's showing a lot of young kids
that, you feel me?

You ain't got to be a superstar.
You ain't gotta--

you know what I'm saying?
You can come to the hood

and still do things,
you can look out for--

Out here in Houston with the one
and only Nick Cannon.

- [Nick] Making it happen.
- [man] Big fan of yours.

I'm a big fan of yours, man.

Everything you do
for the communities.

- Beautiful.
- Thank you so much.

See, I tell people, "Don't ever
say you going to work."

I'm going to make people happy.

That's all.
Work is a negative.

- Yeah.
- That's what the slaves did.

- [Dick] Huh?
- [Nick] Yeah.

[Dick] Now here's what you do.

I--I stand on club every night,
in the theater,

"Let me tell you niggas
something."

They told you, "Don't use
the word nigga."

- The N-word.
- Right.

Wasn't one black person sitting
in the room

when that decision was made.

Hmm? Did you hear me?

- Not one.
- Y'all hear that?

Not one.

It's going down.
See if Trump--you up in there?

We gonna holla at you.

We got some things
we got to say.

- Well, I appreciate the advice.
- Thank you.

And about to go--
go get to it.

- Just walk through it, man.
- Yeah.

- Don't get scared.
- Right.

- [Nick] Never scared.
- [Dick] Never.

Stand Up, Don't Shoot.
Let's get it.

Now, if they shoot your ass,
then you should call me.

Make me--call,
"Greg, the shit don't work."

[man]
Give it up for Nick Cannon!

♪ It's time to tell the truth
in the streets ♪

♪♪

[cheers and applause]

♪♪

LA, how y'all doing?

[cheers and applause]

Y'all good?

Y'all came out to see
a brother too.

Y'all came all the way
to the hood too, shit.

Looking fresh too.
It--it's going down.

Oh, got a player in the front.
I see.

He out here looking
like No-dell Beckham.

I see you, boy.

He got all--oh, it's just
all ladies in--and you!

Hey, hey, either you a pimp
or a hair dresser.

One of 'em.

He's like, "Hey, nigga,
I'm both.

I'm both. Shoot. All right.

Gots to fix 'em up
before I dicks 'em up."

I understand. I see you.
[laughs]

I see you. I see you.

Else we got here.
You got...

How you doing, Officer?
I see you.

You can always--I know the
police when I see one.

Bald white man with glasses?
He got--

That's an undercover cop body.

He got his chest
all high and shit.

He's onto us. He's onto us.

Good to see you, Officer.

Oh, shit! We got Too $hort
in the house, y'all.

- I see.
- [cheering and applause]

The O...what's happening?

This a--this is a room
full of pimps and players.

I see Mister--oh, shit.

This is a player's ball
up in here tonight, y'all.

Tell 'em--go ahead, $hort.
I know you doing your drinking.

Tell--what's your favorite word?

[all] Bitch!

Now that's real pimpin'!

He ain't even have to say it
no more.

I asked him, he said...

Bitch!

He got other bitches saying
his catchphrases for him.

Pimpin'.
I learned from the best, y'all.

And I--I--
I apologize, white people.

We over here talking about
bitches and players and stuff,

and you think this is
"America's Got Talent."

Gon' be a little different
tonight.

"America's Got Talent,"

but America's got niggas too,
so...

And you staring at
a real one on stage.

It's going down.

You know you thought
you was gonna get the--

the tight suits
with the shiny shoes.

Ah, shoot, not tonight.
We off Crenshaw.

This the fuck you gonna get
right here.

They ain't got that type
budget down here.

But don't worry.
Don't worry.

Y'all are safe.
I got you.

I'm still "Friendly Nick."

Just give me a wink
if you need anything.

The officer'll help you out.

Because, I mean--
and that's what it is.

I'ma use some different
language than you're used

to seeing on
"America's Got Talent."

You know, I mean,
you gonna hear a few

"Niggas" sprinkled here
throughout my show.

Matter of fact, that's what
"NBC" gonna stand for tonight.

"Nigga Betta Come on."
Shit.

'Cause Niggas Be Cussin'.

So Nigga, Be Careful.

'Cause y'all see me
on the show, man.

Sometimes I wish I could
say the stuff

that I really want to say
that I be really thinking.

'Cause y'all see my face
on "America's Got Talent."

Man...

Like, this next crazy
motherfucker coming to the stage

gon' be juggling blindfolded
with knives and shit.

So niggas, be careful.

But I can't say that.
I can't talk like that.

'Cause that'd mess up
the white money.

It will--shit, I almost
fucked it up too, y'all.

On the finale,
did y'all see that?

I wore a turban
on that motherfucker.

Oh, yeah, it was all
sparkly and shit.

We--we got all type of calls

and complaints and shit
like that, y'all.

Like, why is Nick Cannon dressed
like Blanche

from "The Golden Girls"?

Shit, it is my constitutional
right

to dress like an old white lady
if I want to.

Shit.

Tell you. And ma'am?
Ma'am, what's your name?

Tree? Tr--your--

Treat?

Treat sound like a freak.
I like that.

Hey--hey--hey, you know I likes
'em older, Treat.

You know--trick or Treat.
Don't play with me!

Don't--don't play--don't...

[cheers and applause]

I...

Oh, shit.

I done kissed an old white lady
on the mouth on TV.

She put some tongue in there
too, girl, you...

I see what you're talking about,
Treat.

We about to be off the hook
tonight, y'all.

Telling you, y'all.
'Cause it's--

That's what I love too,
the forums like this

where we can just laugh
and just talk it up,

'cause I--ain't shit off-limits.

And I know what y'all thinking.
It's--it's a--

it's a few different
Nick Cannons that you can get.

You know what I mean? I just--
I'ma just be honest.

You know, 'cause we switch it
all the way up.

You know, like this--this--
this is a different

Nick Cannon, you know?
So--it is.

Like, sometimes you--you can get
the "Drumline" Nick Cannon.

Get the "Wild 'N Out"
Nick Cannon.

Yeah, you get the activist
Nick Cannon.

You get the rapper Nick Cannon.

Fuck is y'all laughing at?
That ain't the joke!

Y'all gonna respect me
in here tonight!

I got hits!
♪ Gigolo

Y'all know the shit
I'm talking about.

Because times has changed, and
you got to switch it up, y'all.

Look, y'all, I'm like an action
figure: I do it all.

I come with accessories.

Baby mama sold separately.

[laughing]

Times is changing.

Shoot, Trump in office.

Shoot, you might--you might
have to switch that shit up.

I might have to go from
"America's Got Talent"

to "America's Most Wanted"
in this motherfucker.

Come on, Treat.
Get your ass in the car.

He was so friendly!

What happened?

No, 'cause--
and I--I said that.

Did you--I said, "Trump in
office," and...

You heard the white people
in the back--"Whoo!"

White people bold as shit

now that Trump in office,
ain't they?

Embrace that bold shit.
I don't care.

Shit, yeah, hell, yeah.

Be proud of that shit.
Oh, so what?

They just--but they just done
got a little too rude now.

They used to say "Excuse me"
and shit.

They're like, "Move, boy,
we're back!

We're back! Fuck yeah!
We're back!

Fuck yeah! Feelin' great!
Great again! Fuck yeah!"

They just--
they just be using words

we don't even use no more, like,
"Scram, boy, we're back!

Scram!"

Ask 'em how you doing--
hey, sir, how you doing?

"I'm great!
Again."

Embrace that shit.

Damn right.
You better embrace that shit.

Because the same country that
elected Donald Trump

elected Barack Obama, so
I'm proud to be an American.

Absolutely.

Shit, 'cause black people?

Y'all know when
Obama got elected,

we was partying like
a motherfucker, weren't we?

There was "Soul Train"
lines and shit.

Obama waffles.
Seriously.

Obama waffles.

We was doing that shit.

So hey, shit, white people,
y'all party, celebrate.

Do y'all shit.

What's that new shit
y'all be doing?

Fuck yeah!

We're back!

Like, y'all just got to get
y'all food.

What's a white food?

Fuck it, truffles.
Trump truffle!

Fuck yeah! We're back!

Trump truffles.

Enjoy that shit.

Celebrate your president.
Do all that. Shit.

But keep that shit
in y'all own neighborhoods.

Right?

Don't let your president
get you fucked up.

Come around here if you want to.

All that Trump truffles shit'll
work real good

up in Hollywood.

You take that shit
to Inglewood...

It's a different story.

Y'all go down the street
over there to Roscoe's?

Do it if you want to.

Move! Scram! Get out the way
with your chicken.

Let me get two Trump--

Did--did we get the truffles?

But we got to laugh
about it, y'all.

That's all we can do.
Embrace it.

Talk about it, have these type
of conversations, right?

Shoot, Barack Obama embraced it.

Y'all saw that. First day.
First day the election happened.

What Barack do? He invited Trump
over to the house.

You saw that.
But he held it down, didn't he?

Yeah, you saw.
He got over there.

Man, he put a statue right--
of Martin Luther King--

right behind Donald Trump,
you saw that?

Just to let you know
some niggas was here.

You in a black man's house.

Yo, I bet you--I bet you
Obama just left

all type of black shit
in the White House, right?

Be old "Jet" magazines
in the bathroom.

Trump gonna be sniffing
the Beauty of the Week.

Like...
[laughing]

Oh, Michelle Obama's hot combs
gonna be on the stove.

Melania, she gonna--
she gonna find

some Magnum condoms
up under the pillow.

Like, "Donald, what is this?
It can't be yours.

It's way too big."

I ain't gonna lie, though.

Eight years the Obamas
held it down.

I salute Barack Obama.

I miss him already.

Oh!

I didn't want to see him go,
y'all.

And you know, think about that.

You got to leave a house that
you've been

living in for eight years?

You--you can't just kick a nigga
out like that!

You gonna need some sheriffs,
some hearings,

some marshals.

You gonna just try to evict
a black man?

Shoot, that's
government housing.

But you know
Barack a real nigga,

so you know he got
a spare key, right?

You know he ain't give
all them keys back.

Like, I got keys, keys, keys.
You know what it is.

'Cause it's gonna be--
it's gonna be

one of them press conferences
Donald Trump gonna be having,

and y'all just gonna see
Barack Obama walk by

in his drawers in a do-rag,

like, "Go ahead,
do your shit, nigga.

I'ma be in the kitchen making me
a sandwich and shit.

Who the fuck
put all this mayonnaise

in this motherfucker?

Nah, nigga, go ahead.
Do your shit, man.

I've been there, done that
shit, man, shit.

No, I'm doing--hey, nigga,
we went from Obamacare

to 'Obama don't care,' nigga."

Secret Service gonna
have to escort

Barack Obama out
the White House.

That's when the real nigga
really gonna come out, right?

He'll be, "Oh, oh!
Oh, it's like that?

It's like that, Larry? Oh, okay.

Nigga, I'm the one
that go you this job!

Fuck off me, Steve!
Okay, y'all gonna gang up on me.

Okay, okay, all them damn loose
cigarettes I gave y'all?

Okay!
Nah, it's all good.

I leave. I leave.

But I'll be back.

Michelle 2020, nigga."

Barack, that's a real nigga
right there.

And I always like to do this
in my shows,

just to see who's--
who's in the audience.

You know, take a little census.

Where all my real niggas at?
Make some noise.

[cheers and applause]

Trick question. Security.
Where--what they doing?

Officer.
[laughing]

Do your job.

Nah--you know what?
I am--I just--

it's a trick question when you
ask where real niggas at,

'cause $hort know,
first of all,

real niggas don't
raise they hand.

Unless they get pulled over
by the police.

Then you better raise your hand.

Make sure them shits is visible.

Damn right.

Shit, what are we gonna do about
the police situation

and get--you know what?
Fuck it. You know what?

I'ma just start
driving handcuffed.

Fuck it. Just...

Whoo whoo, you got me, nigga.
I'm down, nigga. I'm down.

I don't resist. I assist.

Just tryin' to make America
great again.

Shit.
But I think I can.

I--I could fix it.
I got the idea.

I know how we can fix
the police problem, man.

It's simple: all they got to do
is let us police ourselves.

Autonomously.

They do that all over the world,
in different countries.

If you just let us police
ourselves, because

right now, they got people
policing us

that have never been to our
community.

Know nothing about us.
They don't care about us.

We got people who don't care,
don't give a damn about you,

overseeing you?

Shit, that's like Ike Turner
running a women's shelter.

Somebody bound to get
they ass whooped.

Like, "Eat the cake, bitch!"
"I thought this was

supposed to be a safe place!"

Can't have that!

You got to have people
who care about you,

who know the community,
you know what I mean?

Who from the community.

People who know us better than
we know ourselves.

You know who they should let
be the police?

Baby mamas.

Shit, I got a couple of them.
Shit, they...

You know how the--shit, they
some investigators

for your ass, ain't they?

Ain't they?
Like, could you imagine

if the BMPD rolled in your spot?

It'd be like, "Everybody,
get on the ground,

put down the drugs, and spend
some time with your son."

Like, shit, I didn't know
it was my weekend.

Officer Carey.

You got it. We shooting tonight.
I told you.

We talkin' about everything.

Shit, 'cause real niggas know
about that visitation.

Shoot, y'all know.
$hort, how many kids you got?

He's like, "Nigga, we on TV.

You talkin' about in state?"

[laughing]

Nah, but you--you do.

Real niggas, we just go through
real nigga stuff.

Like, and--and it makes you--
it makes you stronger.

You know what I'm saying?
Like, I'ma be honest.

I'm a real nigga.

Fuck y'all laughing at?

I am!

I'm a real nigga.

Till some real niggas show up.

I'm a real--
I'm like a substitute nigga.

Here, I was just keeping
your real nigga spot warm.

Go ahead and do
your real nigga shit.

'Cause I'ma be honest.
I'ma be dead--

real niggas, they intimidate me.

Just be like--y'all know I'm
talking--them just straight--

just real, real niggas?

Like, you--you can smell a real
nigga when he walk in the room.

It smell like Hennessy, weed,
and back child support.

It just...

What is that, struggle?

By Mennen.
[laughing]

No!

But I'ma--I think this is what
happened to my life.

Because, you know, I grew up
like a real nigga,

all that stuff,
but I honestly believe

once I started doing
"America's Got Talent,"

they took my real nigga card.

They did, because then, like
these type of people

started showing up to my shows.

And I--hey!

Treat, I love it.
We gonna kiss later.

I appreciate that, but I just--
it's just--I--

I grew up with real niggas.
I kept real niggas all--

but I can't do the real nigga
stuff no more.

'Cause then they'll put me
on TMZ.

But I figured out
a way around it.

You know what?

I just keep real niggas
around me.

And that's how you get--
that's how you get rid

of all of that Hollywood shit,
you stay grounded.

You stay real, you keep some
real niggas around you.

Like my man $hort.

All that--you got to!

It's like, they block out
all the bullshit!

It's like a real nigga
force field.

Like, I got you, nigga.
I got you.

Nah, 'cause it's just certain
things, you know,

'cause of "America's Got
Talent."

Hey, America!
I got...

They don't expect me to do,
but I just--

it's certain things
I want to do,

but I can't.

But my real niggas can.

Real, like we gon' keep it
all the way honest.

We gonna put it out there.

Where all my weed smokers at?

Anybody smoking? Anybody?

I know the police here.
Medicinally. Medicinally.

I--I got a prescription.
Glaucoma, Officer.

But that shit,
it's legal now, though, right?

We--we good?
Legal-ish. Ish.

See that--I feel like
that's the setup too.

They be like, "Not over here,
nigger, get in the car."

But no, I do.
I'ma put it all out there.

Yes. I smoke weed.

[cheers and applause]

But I don't know
how to roll a blunt.

But my real niggas do.

[laughing]

And that's a talent right there.

They should put them
on the show.

Shit, for real.
Shoot, a real nigga?

He know how to roll a blunt
one-handed, riding a bicycle,

in a snowstorm, like...

I got you, my nigga.

I got you.

[sighs]

I don't carry a gun on me.

But my real niggas do.

But see, the problem,
the real niggas I roll with,

they just carry the gun
at all the inopportune times.

Just wrong places, wrong times.

I'll be out hanging out
with my kids,

like, "Nigga, we are at
Chuck E. Cheese!"

Like, "Hey, Nigga, Chuck E. be
trippin', nigga, trust.

Get your tokens, nigga,
we gon' get out of here

one way or another.

Shit.
I don't do time.

But my real niggas do.

And they doing time like a mofo.
Shit, I can't do that.

Nah, that's what I got
my white friends for.

Treat and all them,
them's some good

alibis and character witnesses.

"He's so friendly!"

Fuck that.
I can't do that.

'Cause now time is too--
I don't even have enough

time to go visit all my niggas
that's locked up.

Shit, because all these
privatized prisons

and all that shit, they giving
niggas football numbers

for bullshit, for real.

Like, I went to visit one of my
friends the other day.

Say, man, what they got you
in here for?

"Oh, some old bullshit.

Ain't nobody tell me you
couldn't carry

a gun up at Chuck E. Cheese."

Like, nigga, I did!

Shit.

You knew Chucky was gon' rat.

[laughing]

I don't eat vagina.

But I'm bullshittin'!

I'm bullshittin', Treat!

'Cause I'm a real nigga!

Treat was like, "Oh, you don't?

I thought you was a real nigga!"

I am.
Damn right I eat vagina.

Shit, all the minerals and
vitamins and all...

nutrients, and that's where
life come from.

Shit, eating coochie
cured my lupus.

That's the nighttime, sneezy,
stuffy head, fever,

so you can get some rest
medicine, shit.

I got me a pussy prescription.

Right next to my weed
prescription.

'Cause you know
all a real nigga need

is some pussy and some weed.

$hort know!

Bitch!

She said, "That's real."

Grandmama said, "That's real."

Somebody eating your coochie,
Grandma?

Hey, do--hey!
I ain't mad at you!

She's like, "Hey, older the
berry, the sweeter the juice."

I heard that.
That's--hey, ain't nothing--

'cause nowadays, shit--

she said, "That's how
you keep 'em"?

Look at that shit!

Look at--look at 'em,
look at 'em, look at 'em!

They--they gave each other

an old pussy high five!

I don't know about this
old pussy.

Hey, I love--hey, I love it.
You got to.

Shit, 'cause women, that's
they--it's empowerment now.

They want you to do all type
of shit now.

Eat the booty like groceries.

Bitch, I need to know
what's in the bag.

Shit, clean up in aisle six,
shit.

And I'ma--I'ma be honest,
I got to keep up with the times.

Shit, 'cause I'm single again,
I'm single, so I--

oh, hey, shit, I'm trying
to find somebody

to spend this alimony on, shit.

Hey, for real, shit, 'cause I'm
looking everywhere too.

I got to, 'cause I don't even
know if y'all know,

I enrolled back in college,
shit, y'all,

I'm out there,
Howard University, HU.

Real shit.

Y'all thought I was going
for an education.

I was looking for a situation.

Shit.

Nah, 'cause--and do we have any
college girls in here tonight?

College girls? Oh.
Whoa. Oh, shit. Hey.

Let me put something
on your books, baby.

Financial aid. Hey.

Call me Mr. Tuition. Shit.

We can get it pop--but I don't
know, 'cause

college girls, y'all might be--
young girls,

y'all doing too much nowadays.

I ain't ready for it.
'Cause it's different.

'Cause, like, the first time
I was single,

it was a little easier, y'all.

Now, I'm confused out here
single again.

Like, even in the nightclubs
and shit.

I don't even know what to do
no more, 'cause like,

early 2000s, first time
I was single,

like we was--we was even
dancing different, y'all.

Like dudes, we was dancing
like dudes.

We was tough.
We was doing this shit here.

Shit, the west coast, you might
do some shit like this.

Right?

You see the thugs
in the club today?

You see when a
gangsta song come on?

He be like...

Juju on that beat.

Like, nigga, you gonna drop your
gun Jujuing on the beat.

'Cause fellas, y'all remember.

Shit, we--we didn't even
dance in the club.

Remember, we just stand back
on the wall,

chill, and let our girl dance,
remember that?

Now the roles
have been reversed.

The girls standing on the wall,
talking about,

"Look at my nigga.
Look at my nigga."

Hey, somebody get this nigga
a drink.

He killin' this shit.

Ooh.

You call him Stephanie.

But fellas, if we gon' be
out here dating,

we gon' be out--
we got to stand up--we got to--

we got to be a little more
masculine with our shit.

We do.

We got niggas out here
taking selfies.

What the--
and since we all family,

we talkin' 'bout everything
tonight, right?

When--ho, I don't know when
this shit started,

but I do not subscribe to it.

Dick pics.

You see how awkward it got
in this motherfucker?

When did this shit start?

See, but watch this, we gonna
take a little test.

Watch this:
all the fellas

sending dick pics,
make some noise.

[man] Hey!

[cheers and applause]

One brave, lonely
Trump supporter.

He's like, "Damn right,

send it out on election night.
Dick!"

I--hey, I salute--
that's fucked up.

Y'all gonna let my man be out
there all by himself?

Watch this--it's okay, it's
okay, 'cause watch this.

All the ladies that have ever
received a dick pic,

make some noise.

[cheers and applause]

That's somebody dick!

Whose dick is this?

It can't be lonely
Billy-Bob up there.

See--did you see--I--
I'm telling you, see,

that's--hey, sir,

you are way more brave than me.

You stood up, you said
your dick was out there.

I'ma be honest,
we all family in here tonight,

I just got to tell
y'all the truth.

My dick is not photogenic.

I--hey, I got
an in-person penis.

I got some shit
I got to explain.

It hang to the left
'cause I slammed it

in the door when I was 12.

Don't mind that bump, baby.
Turn off the light.

Stop judging me.

Shit, she like, "Ugh.

Nick Cannon got a--ugh,
you got STDs?

Keep that alimony, nigga.
I don't want that."

It was a joke!

I ain't got no bumps
on my dick.

Shit, we can have a meet and
greet after the show.

I'll prove it to you.
You can greet the meat.

[laughing]

'Cause I don't--I don't do
no dick pics.

Shoot, I do dick drop-off.

Dick delivery,
right to your doorstep.

Ding-dong.

'Cause I--'cause dick pics--
I don't get it.

That--you take the wrong
dick pic,

and that shit'll fuck up
your career.

Think about it: you be like,
end up a meme

out there, motherfucker.

Be on the mannequin challenge
with your dick out, like...

Nah, I can't do that, and it's
all about the angles too.

I can't even mess--yo, hear what
you say, "Yup"?

He's like, "Yeah, you got to
start two inches

from the balls, get you an extra
two inches from the top."

Well, see, I didn't know that.

And it can mess--
man, I tell you,

it can ruin your whole shit.

Happened to one of my friends.

Usher.

Y'all saw the shit. Ooh, shit.
Y'all saw that shit.

And--and it wasn't even about
Usher's manhood,

'cause they covered that up
with one of them

little yellow emojis.

It was the angry emoji too,
like, why you got me

on your dick like this?

Get me off the dick.

But they covered Usher's whole
situation up.

And--but from the angle,

did y'all see Usher's legs
in this picture?

Oh, man, he had them little
Kermit the Frog joints.

Apparently, Usher done danced
his little legs off.

'Cause he had
the "Boyz n the Hood,"

paraplegic, drive-by legs.

Oh, my ass, he had the Tiny Tim
joints, y'all.

And--and I felt so bad
for my friend Usher too,

'cause that's my friend!

And not only is he a friend,

I'm a fan of Usher.

I am, so it broke my heart,
because

I'm such a fan 'cause
Usher is probably

one of the only few R&B artists
still working today

that still makes great, solid,
meaningful music.

Right?
His stuff is respectful.

Got substance to it.

So--so respectful,
Usher'll let you know

what time he coming over
in the song, won't he?

You know how it goes.
Sing with me.

♪ It's seven o'clock,
on the dot ♪

♪ I'm in my drop top,
cruising the streets ♪

Bang, bang, bang, bang.

Little legs. Just flailing.

♪ I got a real, pretty, pretty
little thing that's ♪

[all]
♪ Waiting for me

Uh!
♪ I roll up

Get your legs together, Usher.

But that was real music.
That's the stuff we came up on.

Not this stuff that
they singing today.

With the mus--these kids,
they don't give a damn.

They don't care.
Shoot, just like--one of--oh.

This my little brother,
I love him,

but shit, Chris Brown?

This nigga don't give a shit.

He will sing about anything
in a song.

You heard one of his
latest songs?

This is the real hook
to his song.

No joke, the chorus goes
just like this.

♪ I want to fuck you back
to sleep, girl ♪

You want to fuck her
back to sleep?

You want to fuck her
unconscious, Chris?

Nigga, don't you got
enough problems?

There's news helicopters and
police outside your house.

Somebody better wake up and
answer the God damn door.

You want to fuck her
back to sleep.

Fuck her unconscious?

Like, who are you gonna put
on the remix?

Bill Cosby?

♪ Oh, there's something
in this liquor ♪

Hey, we shooting tonight, y'all.
Telling you.

We--hey, shit, y'all know
Dr. Huxtable ain't shit.

Y'all know--hey, he been--
he been trying to tell y'all

he wasn't shit
the whole time.

If you ever watched "The Cosby
Show," he gave you

them little messages, he was
telling y'all the whole time.

Y'all just didn't realize it
'cause y'all was hypnotized

by them fuckin' sweaters.

No, it was subliminal shit.
You had to pay attention.

Like, think about it.
What was his occupation?

Doc--what kind of doctor?

A gynecologist.

Where was his office?

In his basement!

In a Brooklyn basement!

You know don't shit good go down
in a Brooklyn basement.

Shit, Biggie Smalls
told us that.

Think about it.
Like, let me find out that

Bill Cosby was ghostwriting
for Biggie.

He's like,
"Your daughter's tied up

in a Brooklyn basement,
face it, not guilty."

♪ Biggie, Biggie, Biggie

Dude, that's the Notorious
B.I.L. right there.

He wrote all that shit.

"To all the ladies in the place
with style and grace,

allow me to lace...

these lyrical duches
in your bushes."

Oh, y'all ain't shit
for laughing at that.

But no, that's--that's what
these forums are about, y'all.

We can come in here and talk
about controversial stuff,

stuff that puts people on edge,

and laugh, and have a good time,
right?

Look at us in here, we all in
here enjoying each other.

White, black--in the hood.

Sitting next--Mexican, Chinese--
everybody in here!

Ain't nobody protesting.
None of that.

We in here enj--this is what
America looks like, y'all.

This is it. Yeah!

For real, y'all, 'cause I--
honestly, I wish we could

get over all of that white,
black shit.

I've been doing this shit
way too long.

White people do this, black--
man, fuck all that.

That ain't even our skin color.
That ain't even what we are.

Shit, I'm more like
a peanut butter.

Old Kentucky-fried negro.

No, it's true because we--
we got all of this stuff, man,

and we--if we just get a little
bit more descriptive

with our skin tones,
I think it'd move things

so much further.

Like, Treat,

you ain't white.

You more like an off-pink.

You--it is.

And the--and--and--but society
wants you to choose

either white or black,
white or black.

You can't do that.
But that's how they control you.

They want to separate us so they
can control you the entire time.

And it's society--watch,
I'll show it to you, watch.

This is very ironic.
The--the fuckin'

Crayola box got 64 colors,
a job application got three.

Ain't that some bullshit?

That's society.

See, if--if it was up to me,
you know what I would do?

I would make sure that
we were just a little bit

more descriptive with our--
with our skin tone descriptions.

Like, it should be like
when you go shopping

for paint at Home Depot.

You ever see
them paint descriptions?

Them shits be eloquent
as hell, don't they?

Be all fancy and shit, like,
just try it out, uh...

Sir, you not white.

You more like a
eggshell alabaster.

That sounds better than white,
right?

You got, you got a...

a mocha brother
sitting next to you.

You got, uh, uh, some Irish
cream right here.

You know what I mean?
Sure, we got, uh,

Latina leche, hey.

See that? We got--we got--
we got some--

what else we got over here?
I see--

We got, uh--
white dude in the back.

Shit, um, you more like drywall.

Man, they ain't even
painted you yet.

You primer, base color.

Don't believe the rumors.
White people need lotion too.

Shit.

Couple dudes over there
sitting together

with each other, fuchsia, hey,
I understand.

Just different colors. I see.
I love all the colors.

Some oriental ivory over there.

I love--I love it all.

Shoot, and
my man right here.

He got a little Taliban tan.

That's...

It's explosive.
[laughing]

But shit, what else we got?
Shit.

We got--ooh, shit, now,
then you just black.

Damn, I didn't even see--
shit--

smile, nigga,
so everybody can see you.

That--but see, that's a--
that's a beautiful black.

That's that strong--yeah, that's
that strong black.

Yeah, he know.
Yeah, that's that beautiful...

Sir.

Shit, I bet you get
a part-time job

following niggas around
as they shadow, huh?

Like, I got you, nigga.
I got you. Just stay...

Keep walking.

That's black is beautiful.
I love that black. Shit.

Black lives matter.

So nigga, you really important.

See, think about that:
we can say that,

and everybody cracks up
and laughs.

But see, when we said
"Black lives matter,"

we made that statement,

and it divided
the entire country,

when it was supposed to bring us
all closer together,

over a little misunderstanding.

That's--that's all it was,
because what?

Every time we said,
"Black lives matter,"

what'd somebody else say?
[man] All lives matter!

All lives--motherfucker, we
wasn't even talking to you!

Always want to be included
in some shit!

"All lives matter!"

'Cause it wasn't like
we were saying

only black lives matter.

We're just saying black lives
matter too.

It's simple!

Very simple.

And I had a great conversation

with one of my close friends,
Howard Stern.

He got it. He got it.
Everybody else didn't get it,

but Howard didn't get it, and I
think after our conversation--

I explained it.
I had to put it in Caucasian.

I did, but it was real simple.
I said, it's like,

when y'all say,
"Save the whales,"

that don't mean "fuck all the
other fish in the ocean!"

It just mean
the whales need saving.

They are endangered.

Just like niggas.

So there y'all go, y'all.
There it is.

You can--you can take something
home with you.

You done learned something
at the Nick Cannon show.

Whales are the niggas
of the ocean.

That's why they call 'em
killers.

Yeah. Hey, for real.
They documented the shit.

They made a documentary
about the nigga whales.

They did. On CNN. Y'all saw.
What was it called?

"Blackfish." Exactly!

I ain't making this shit up!

Did you--did you see black--
"Blackfish."

And I'ma be honest: after I saw
this documentary on CNN,

I would never, ever, ever
go to another

SeaWorld or any other place
like that again,

because of the way they mistreat
these animals.

They keep 'em in captivity
they whole life.

They brainwash 'em, keep 'em
in these little containers.

It's horrible, and--and
if you saw the documentary,

it stars, uh, a whale by
the name of Tilikum.

But you know, I had to give him
a black name.

So I called him
O.G. Tilla the Killa.

And--and it starts off,
if you've seen this,

they put him in this prison--
I mean, SeaWorld.

Up--up in Canada.

And he has a white trainer,
young lady,

and she loves him,
she's riding on him,

kissing him in the mouth.
"Ah!"

And he ate her!

She start clapping.

"Damn right, the bitch
should have got ate."

No, that's--and this--
and we'll take a--

a small public service
announcement just for a second.

White people, why the fuck y'all
think y'all can ride

on killer whales and not get
ate the fuck up?

It's called a killer whale!

I know some niggas named Killer
in my neighborhood.

You don't want no piggyback
rides from them.

You want to ride a killer whale,

but won't get a ride
from Killer Mike.

That's some bullshit.

And--and I know some white
people, y'all getting

a little uncomfortable when I
say "White people."

When I say "White people,"

I'm not talkin' about y'all.

Y'all my friends.

When I say "White people,"
I'm talking about

the people who run everything.

You know, them--the Rothschilds,
the Bilderberg Group.

Them people who control
everything.

White.
It's like an acronym.

When Having Inheritance
To Everything.

You know who I'm talking about,
when they came over here

400 years ago
and just claiming everything.

That's mine. That's mine.
He's mine. He's mine.

I have the receipt.
Come on, Shadow, follow me.

Them white people.
That's who I'm talking about.

'Cause I'm talking--
'cause the great James Baldwin

said it the best:
he said,

"White is just society's
metaphor

for systemic power."

So I'm not talking about white
the people.

I'm talking about
white the power.

So you ain't got no power.
Shit.

You just an old eggshell
alabaster nigga.

We in this shit together!

My nigga right there! Shit!

Say, "Fuck them white people!"

Fuck them white people!

[cheers and applause]

Somebody get this nigga some
Hennessy!

Get him some Hennessy!

Yo, that's what I'm talking
about, my nigga!

We going to the strip club
after this, shit.

So back to the nigga whales.

So no, this is how
the story goes.

He ate his trainer,
so they shipped him

down to another pris--
SeaWorld.

In Orlando this time.

And this time, you know,
he trying to get

some time knocked off,
he be on his best behavior,

swimming around, working out,
doing push-ups and shit.

You know what I mean?
Reading the Quran.

Trying to get knowledge of self.

Making collect calls
to the ocean.

Trying to keep niggas
off his blowhole.

You know, right?

Go ahead with the bullshit,
Moby.

But he--and if you saw
the documentary,

this is no joke, this is exactly
how it happened.

Late one night,

a drunk, naked white man

jumps in the aquarium

with O.G. Tilla the Killa.

That sound like a setup for your
ass, don't it?

Man, and you know, they--
they had to process him.

They had to put O.G. Tilla the
Killa in court

and all that shit--
you know, my--

my imagination just took off.

You could see him trying to
explain his self to the judge.

This some bullshit, your honor!

This--oh, oh, oh,
but you let Willy go!

You let Willy go!

You got me on
these trumped-up charges,

but you free Willy,
this some bullshit!

I didn't do shit!
So you got--

you gonna let a drunk nigga,
white man jump--

I thought it was feed time!

Shit, thought he was
Albuquerque tuna.

Albuquerque.

Al-bu-querque.

I know it's albacore,
motherfucker,

but this nigga
was from Albuquerque.

White people always want
to correct you on some shit.

[stammers] Albacore.

Don't mean to interrupt
the show, Nick Cannon.

Just trying to make America
great again.

He's a comic, he's not as smart
as he thinks he is.

Now what fucking--always want to
correct you on some shit.

Don't they?
That's some bullshit.

"Uh, uh, hold on, wait a minute,
Nick Cannon.

That's an illegal left turn."

Bitch, this ain't even my car!

Stole this shit.

But see, the media always want
to jump in and correct you.

Wait a minute, you can't--
no, wait a minute.

Like when we was doing all
the Black Lives Matter stuff.

Wait a minute, no, what about
black on black crime?

Exactly.

Black on black crime--
ain't that some shit?

That's some old separating,

just trying to divide us,

bullshit term they done made up.

There is no such thing
as black on black crime.

You commit crimes in which
the areas that you cohabitate.

You have conflicts
in where you live.

It's just like if you
over there in China.

When they over there
in China fighting,

you don't call that shit
Chinese on Chinese crime.

You call that shit a good-ass
Kung Fu movie, shit.

[imitating impacts]

My shit right there.

[laughs]

But that's--they just use
these terms to separate us.

It's the media.
It happens all the time.

When you think--
when you think about it, like,

y'all saw it,
Michelle Obama gave such

an amazing speech, y'all.

She said some powerful stuff.

She said,
"I was blessed enough

to live in a house
that was built by slaves."

But the media:
"Wait a minute!"

Hold on, Bill O'Reilly
actually said this shit.

"But we fed them!"

What? You fed--
of course you fed 'em!

Shit, you got to put
gas in a car

for the motherfucker to run!

And we out here
building mansions.

The least you could do is give a
nigga a Scooby Snack.

Shit, a Capri Sun. Something.

Stab your ass with this straw.

Shit, we out there
working our ass off.

Let a nigga get a slave
Lunchable or something, shit.

An un-happy meal
out this motherfucker.

"But we fed them!"

You fed them.
Yeah, you fed 'em.

But did you feed 'em freedom?

Yeah.

That's what we've been starving
for to this day.

Y'all know what we talking
about,

but they gave us the scraps
to survive off of.

That's all we--hey, that's all
we wanted was some freedom,

but y'all gave us all this
little nasty junk food.

These nigga nachos.

Nigga, that's not yours.

Nigga, that's not yours.
That's not yours.

It's mine!

But no, y'all know
the ingredients

we've been asking for
for over 400 years.

Y'all know the recipe.
Come on, somebody.

- Church say amen in here.
- [all] Amen!

Shoot, all we want is a little
inch of equality, ha!

Two cups of justice.

A little ounce of opportunity!

Mmm-mmm, sounds like some
freedom pot pie to me, church!

The white people are like,
"What the fuck is going on?"

Honestly, it's a beautiful thing
that we can come in here

and discuss all of these things.

And--and know that it doesn't
have to be about

separating communities.

We can bring you close
together because

this is the purpose--
there's only one race,

and that's the human race,
y'all.

Simple.

It's simple.

And you know when
I figured it out?

I'ma be honest,
you know when I figured out?

When I had kids.
When I first had kids.

Because I had my children,
and I would see--

I would take them to the nursery
and everything,

and I would just see
all of these different kids,

just--just crawling, and
playing, and eating,

and pissing and shitting
on each other.

They--they didn't care!

They didn't know the different
races or none of that shit.

They were just having fun,
having a good time.

But when we take them home,

and instill our bullshit in 'em,
and tell 'em, oh,

if you live over here,
you're better than

those people over here.

If your hair looks this way,

if your eye color is this way,
then you're be--

no, we got to let
that bullshit go, y'all.

And then that's when
I honestly realized.

I said, you know what?
I got--I got one job.

It's to show my children
unconditional love.

That's all it is.

All I want to do
is establish normalcy.

I just want my kids to have
a fair shot.

Just want to be normal kids.

And that shit is hard as hell

when Mariah Carey is your mama.

For real, y'all know
what I'm talking about.

Be fuckin' diamonds,
and butterflies,

and gumdrops and shit floating
all through the house.

Like, put the damn butterflies
away now, shit, it's bedtime!

Shit!
Butterflies and shit!

I'ma go get me some Raid
and a net.

Put the shit away!

Fucking butterflies everywhere.

I want normal kids, y'all.

Shit--but no--but see, 'cause
I'ma be honest, y'all.

I'm a little tense because
my kids grew up with stuff

that I just didn't have.

They got shit like nannies.

I didn't have a daddy!

You mean it's gonna be a extra
motherfucker coming over?

My mama did this shit
on her own.

But--and it is, man,
and I make fun of 'em,

but I'ma be honest, I do,
I love our nanny.

Our nanny is amazing.
Consuelo, bless her heart.

She is...
What you laughing at?

That's--that's her name.
Consuelo.

And she's--Consuelo is amazing.
Her whole family.

Like, my kids go and play
with their family,

and they have a good time,
and they come home,

and sometimes I even be
getting a little jealous,

'cause they spend so much
time with the nanny,

and you know, my kids' about to
turn six years old,

so they're real impressionable.

So they like sponges.
They picking up everything.

They be over with
Consuelo and them,

and this--this really happened.

The other day, my son--I know
he broke the refrigerator.

He broke the refrigerator,
I was like, "Rocc!

Get in here, man!
Who broke this refrigerator!"

He came in, he was like, "Don't
worry, Daddy, I fix for you.

Give me two--two minutes, Daddy.
Two minutes.

One probably. I fix for you,
Daddy, no problem.

I got it for you."
This nigga had a big-ass

tape measure and shit.

"Two minutes."

Had keys and shit.

Nigga want to take field trips
to Home Depot and shit.

"Give me two eggshell
alabasters."

Nigga jumping out of the car
at the stoplight,

selling oranges and shit--
get your ass back in the car!

You ain't going over to Consuelo
house no more.

He's been picking up
all type of shit.

And black people, it's the same
way, 'cause you know,

holidays just passed,
all of that stuff.

When we get together, black
folks, what do we do?

We entertain each other
in the family, right?

We got to dance for company and
all that stuff, right?

You do the Electric Slide.
Obama waffles, you know?

We do that.
They show off.

And my daughter's talented.

So the family was over, I was
like, "Go on, Monroe.

Get out there, show 'em
what you been doing."

She's like, ♪ Suavemente

♪ Bésame

Sit your ass down!

This ain't no damn quinceañera!

Take off the fucking
wedding dress!

It's--but they--they pick shit
up, you know?

They honestly do, and you know
what they pick up the most?

And I realize this, and anybody
in here with kids,

they understand,
they pick up fear.

Fear is taught.
You ever notice that?

Like if you see your kid fall,

and you don't pay
no attention to it,

they'll get right back up.

But if they fall
and they see you react,

they start crying, 'cause they
see you scared,

so therefore, they get scared.

And that's when I realized,
I was like, yo,

I got to check the way that
I react around my kids.

I can't let 'em know
that I'm scared.

Because I'm--I'ma share
something with y'all,

and this is the honest
to God truth.

This is when I realized it.

This is a true story.

For their second birthday,

we went all the way

to an Australian zoo.

Some Mariah Carey shit.

All my birthday parties
be at McDonald's.

With the bootleg
Ronald McDonald.

Ronaldo?

The keg of orange Hi-C.

Un-happy meals, that's my shit.

But I went along with this.

I did, I went along with it
'cause I was interested.

Shit, I'll go to Australia.

'Cause I'm used to shit
in American zoos,

like cages.

Like, 'cause hey, for real,
like, if you go to Australia,

it's wild--it's the outback
for your ass.

They be out there.
And--and--you know--

I'ma paint the picture for you
'cause this is how

it happened, y'all,
so they put you

in this little choo-choo train.

And this--you know,
my son is in my lap.

He got on a birthday hat.
I got on a birthday hat.

Mariah had my daughter in
her lap, birthday hat,

butterflies and shit--
y'all get the picture.

So we in the choo-choo train,
and we see a sign

that says kangaroos
to the left.

I'm like, shit, I want to see
some kangaroos.

Yo, that choo-choo train
busted a left,

and we got surrounded
by like 200 kangaroos!

We pulled up in a kanga-hood!

Oh, and they was just
chilling on the block

like Puerto Ricans too.

They was doing pull-ups
on the trees.

Slap boxing, smoking Newports.

Fixing old Oldsmobiles.

Drinking 40 ounces
of Foster's beer.

They saw us, they start
throwing up

kang signs and shit.

Niggas start kang-banging
on me and shit.

And...
I am not gonna lie.

I was terrified.

Scared--I have never been
this scared in my life.

But this is how
it actually happened.

My son--fearless--

leaps out of my lap
and heads

straight for the kangaroos!

I'm like, "No!"

[clicking]
Nigga, you on your own.

Mm-mm!

Shit.

I can protect you from humans,
but I don't do marsupials.

Mm-mm!

Uh-uh, nigga. Mm.

I'll make another one.

For real, 'cause that's
how scared I was!

I wasn't going nowhere!

But everybody else
in the choo-choo train,

they just jumped out and
followed.

Mariah, my daugh--everybody.

And they was all over there,
just with the kangaroos,

playing, having fun,
taking selfies and shit.

One took a dick pic.
I was like, "What the fuck?"

They was enjoying, and--
and guess where my ass was.

In that God damn
choo-choo train!

Reflecting.

And I was sitting there
because, you know,

I looked out and saw
that sea of white people,

and all those wild kangaroos,

and my bravely beige family.

And a couple of things just
started going through my head.

First thing, I was like,

that got to be Mariah's
white side of the family.

And the second thing was,

this shit ain't gonna last.

It's true, because it
had nothing

to do with her, or them.

They was enjoying themselves.

They was having a great time.

It was all my insecurities
that was bothering me

that was keeping me from
hanging out with my family.

It was all my built-up shit,
and black people,

y'all got to rock
with me on this.

Y'all know, it's just--

it's just certain shit

we don't fuck with.

Right?
Like black people,

we do not mess with nothing

that start with the letter K.

Y'all know what I'm talking
'bout!

Shit, just ask the Kardashians.

Oh, my ass.

NBA players make it in, but they
don't make it out, shit.

Hey, it's three of them too.
K, K, K.

Y'all know what
I'm talking about.

Shoot, Kim, Khloe,

and Kanye.

We shootin' tonight, y'all!

No, but it's just--
it's just certain

K shit that we don't do, y'all.

We don't do no kangaroos.

I don't fuck with kanga--shit--
and I think

the kangaroos, they--
they even sensed it.

They did, 'cause I saw one
kangaroo hop over to Mariah.

He was like...

"You know your husband's
a bitch, right?

Hop in me pouch. Let's go."

He hopped off with my family.

So there you have it,
Los Angeles.

You heard it from
the horse's mouth.

That's why the divorce happened.

Mariah left me for
an Australian kangaroo.

Now you ain't got to hear the
shit on Wendy Williams.

With her big ass, shit.

What you mean, "Oh?"
Like y'all just found out

Wendy was big!

Shit, Wendy been big!

I love how she wear
that big shit!

Shit, y'all remember when Wendy
used to play for the Jets.

Shit, she still be coming out
on the show

with the shoulder pads and shit.

One, two, three,
"How you doing?"

Wendy be wearing that big shit.
I love that shit.

Shit, that's my man.

But I guess--that's funny,
I guess the joke is kind of

on me, though, when you think
about it, because

that whole Australian
trip to the zoo?

All of that, that actually
really happened.

Kangaroos and everything.

I--I fabricated a little bit
at the end.

But Mariah's ass didn't.

Shit, she really left
with an Australian.

But that kangaroo
had a billion dollars.

I would've hopped off with
his ass too, shit.

Like, nigga, when we goin'
to the yacht? Shit.

But since we all family in here
and we talking about it,

we in here talking about the
shit, shit,

would you leave your
significant other

for a billionaire?

Shit, somebody said, "Shit,
hell, I'll leave the nigga

for a bus pass if it's going
in the right direction.

Get my shit straight."

I heard a couple of no's,
though.

Who said that they wouldn't
leave?

You--you wouldn't--
that's--that's love.

Who--who would stay?
Who would stay? You would stay?

Yo, shit, you--you adding
stipulations to the shit.

But no, that's--
that's beautiful.

She said she would stay.
Now, y'all give it up.

That's--that's love right there.

Queen, I appreciate that.

She--that's--she's rubbing on
his leg and shit.

See, I know what it is.
See, 'cause it has--

it has nothing to do
with money, right?

You can get anybody with money.

But good dick is hard
to find, ain't it?

Hey, she--she gave me the fist
bump and everything.

Hey, dude, you putting it down.
That's a real nigga right there.

See, look how she cheesin'
all hard, shoot.

'Cause--hey--
'cause it's simple.

'Cause you can get you a man
with a good job.

But do he got good dick, though?

You can get you a man
with some good credit.

But do he got good dick, though?

Shoot, you can get you
a good Christian.

But do he got good dick, though?

Shoot, you could be
a preacher in them streets,

but you better be a sinner
in them sheets.

You know what I'm talkin' 'bout!

Shoot, 'cause so--lad--that's a
lot of ladies in here tonight.

All together, y'all all got
that one friend.

That got a man who ain't shit.

She always crying
and complaining.

He ain't got no job!

He ain't got no car!

He ain't got no money!

But he got good dick, though.

That'll make 'em stay!

It will! Shoot, look, look.
Just look.

Just--Treat moving all
in her seat and shit.

She's like, "I know exactly what
he talking 'bout."

It's the truth!

Because--and don't let it
be the reverse.

Don't let it--
you can have everything.

Shoot, you could be Willy Wonka
out there, motherfucker,

but if you ain't putting it
down in the bedroom,

a woman will leave your ass
fast as shit.

The sheets'll still be
smoking, won't they?

If you are not pleasing a woman
in the bedroom,

she gon' be out faster than
Sonic the Hedgehog.

SEGA!

'Cause you have officially
wasted her time.

And a real woman ain't got time
to be wastin' time!

Shit, that's why Mariah

ain't with the billionaire now.

But me and her still cool.

'Cause I got good dick, though!

♪ hip-hop music

♪♪

[Nick]
It's Ncredible!