Original subtitles

[helicopter hovering]

[siren wailing]

["To Live and Die in L.A." by Wang Chung playing]

♪ In the dark of the night ♪

♪ Every time I turn the light I feel that God is not in heaven ♪

♪ In the dark of the night ♪

♪ The dark of the night ♪

♪ I wonder why I live alone here ♪

♪ I wonder why we spend These nights together ♪

♪ Is this the way I'll live my life forever? ♪

♪ I wonder why in L.A. ♪

♪ To live and die in L.A. ♪

[Richard] Live around the world

from the corner of Sunset and Gower in Los Angeles,

it's Everybody's in L.A.!

And now, here's your host, John Mulaney!

[audience cheers and applauds]

Good evening. Hello.

Welcome to the show. Thank you.

Welcome to the show.

Welcome, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to Everybody's in L.A.

We're live on Netflix right now, all around the world, with no delay.

It is 67 degrees in Los Angeles.

It is 7:01 p.m.

This is it.

This is the sixth and final episode of Everybody's in L.A.

After tonight, we are done,

because after tonight, I'm out of cool outfits.

This is our last chance to explore the city of Los Angeles.

I just wanna say that this show has been a dream come true.

Not a dream you have at night,

but a dream you might have during a nap on an airplane.

You know, like, just images?

And then you wake up, like, [grunts] "What? No."

And it sort of lingers.

Well, we made some of those images come true.

Honestly, it's been a goal of mine since childhood

to make a cigarette hypnotist stare at a kid dressed like George Carlin.

And we accomplished that this week.

But I'm not alone.

-Yes. It was... -[audience cheers and applauds]

-[Richard] Yay. -It was a big one.

I am not alone.

I carry all of my dead ancestors with me.

And I am joined by my announcer and best friend,

the wonderful Richard Kind!

[audience cheers and applauds]

-Yay! -[John] Richard.

Va-va-voom, man. You are looking especially sharp tonight.

I know. Our final night. I'm stepping it up.

I stepped up my fashion game.

And let me tell you, it starts from the bottom up.

I start with the shoes, John. Take a look at these.

Huh? Huh? They're made of Italian leather.

-[John] Wow. -Set me back $500.

But you can see why. I mean, they're gorgeous.

[John] They really are gorgeous. And they...

-[audience cheers and applauds] -I know. I know.

They hide your orthopedic insoles really well.

You remem... Yes, I was born with shallow heels.

This is why I wasn't drafted in the Gulf War.

[John] That's right. That's why.

[audience laughs]

Now, we're doing a show about Los Angeles.

No one embodies the freak-flag spirit of Los Angeles more than Flea,

the bassist for the Red Hot Chili...

-[audience applauds] -Yes.

Flea of the Red Hot Chili Peppers.

If you live in L.A.

or spend any time in L.A., you know that Flea is everywhere.

He's like a whack-a-mole.

On a date at the Silver Lake Reservoir? There's Flea.

Feeding a giraffe at the L.A. Zoo? So is Flea.

Eating at a booth in Casa Vega? Who's that over by the bar?

It's Slash.

But Flea is still everywhere.

So, tonight we're gonna play a game on this show called "Finding Flea."

Now...

[audience cheers and applauds]

I've selected two audience members.

They, in real time... And they will actually be doing this.

They'll have until the end of tonight's episode to find Flea,

who is somewhere in L.A.

The prize?

Two hundred dollars.

-Yeah. -[audience cheers]

I have it in my jacket.

[audience applauds]

Richard, why don't you introduce us to our contestants?

First up, we have Payton from Sacramento.

[audience cheering]

And their rival is Carrell from Las Vegas.

Hi.

Let me ask you guys.

Have you ever heard of Flea from the Chili Peppers?

Yes.

Of course.

How about that, huh?

[John] That's great. That is fantastic.

Uh, okay. So, let's get to the rules of the game.

Outside of the studio right now, Studio 15, here at Sunset and Gower,

are two stretch limousines.

They are parked...

Yeah, we ordered two black, but they sent one two-tone, so...

That's all right. We found out this morning.

They're there for your disposal.

The limousine drivers inside will take you wherever you want to go

in your pursuit of finding Flea.

Now, midway through the episode,

I'll give you one lifeline to help you find Flea.

A lifeline of your choice.

Whoever finds Flea gets the 200.

[cheering]

[Richard] Yes. Yes.

Payton and Carrell, are you ready for the first clue?

[both] Yes.

[John] Okay.

Let's go to our remote feed

from an undisclosed location somewhere in Los Angeles

to bring on the star of this game.

He's in the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame. He has six Grammys.

He wrote one of my favorite music memoirs ever.

He's a Los Angeles legend,

and he's always been ripped just from playing bass.

It's Flea!

[audience cheers and applauds]

Hello, John.

Hey, Flea. How are you doing?

I'm very pleased to be here in this secret, magical place.

-And hi. -Hi, dude.

Now, I know from reading your book that you refer to your own band

as the Red Hots, not the Chili Peppers. Is that right?

Yeah, and anybody... If you ever call them the Chili Peppers again,

I might have to put the smack down.

All right. Red Hots it is for the rest of the night.

Let's have the first clue, please, Flea.

[blows raspberry]

The first clue is "always open, always fun."

All right. Always open, always fun.

Are the gears turning?

Payton, Carrell. Think, think, think.

No. Not a lot of confidence.

Contestants.

In three, two, one.

-Run to your stretch limo. -Go! Find Flea!

[John] Get to your limousines. One is black.

One is two-tone.

Who will get in the two-tone limo?

Who will get the black stretch limo?

Good luck.

Good luck. Oh, future door.

Ooh, space door.

Dude, that one had a space door. That's fantastic.

Okay.

We wish them good luck.

They seemed irrationally confident towards the end.

Those of you who've been tuning in over the past five nights

know that each evening on Everybody's in L.A.

we sink our teeth into an important Los Angeles topic.

Tonight, we have a very special topic.

Our topic is the future of L.A.

What is going to happen to this city?

In many ways, L.A. is a place stuck in time.

You know, everyone lives in mid-century modern homes.

There are independent waterbed stores.

[audience laughs]

Accident lawyers actually book business from billboards.

It's... It's not a future-y place.

In fact, it's not good to speculate what the future is for L.A.

'cause that's how you end up with LAX,

which is someone in 1966's idea of what 1989 would look like.

[Richard laughs]

And by the way, don't think about it,

'cause I and many of us believe

Los Angeles is not prepared for the future.

L.A.'s about as prepared for the future as I'm prepared for trash day each week.

It's just me sprinting out of the house,

wheeling a huge blue bin down the street, chasing after a truck

in an XL shirt and mesh shorts going:

"Sorry, sorry! Señor, sorry. Hi, sorry. I slept in. I'm so sorry."

-[Richard laughs] -We'll be taking your calls, Los Angeles,

to find out what you think about the future of Los Angeles.

What are your thoughts? What are your theories?

What are your fears?

The number is on your screen. There it is.

Call into that number, and you'll be live on the air with all of us

to talk about the future of L.A.

My first guests are two outstanding stand-up comedians

and a paleontologist at La Brea Tar Pits.

Please welcome Hannah Gadsby, Mike Birbiglia, and Dr. Emily Lindsey.

[audience cheers and applauds]

[synthpop music playing]

Hey, doctor. How are you? Please have a seat.

All right.

All right.

Welcome to the show.

-Hi, Hannah. Nice to see you. -Nice to see you too.

We haven't gotten to hang out much.

I don't know you at all.

[audience and John laugh]

Does anybody?

No. Does anybody, really?

Thank you for being on the show. I really appreciate it.

I'm very excited to be here. I've enjoyed it.

-I'm glad. Oh, you've seen it? -Yeah.

-There's a live festival on at the moment. -Yeah.

And, um, I stay home and watch yours.

[John] Yes, there's a lot of events outdoors,

but I've tried to keep people inside as much as possible.

-I appreciate it. -[John] Hey, Mikey, how you doing?

I feel great.

Hannah and I went to the Tar Pits today.

Where, Dr. Emily Lindsey, you are the associate curator?

-Is that right? -That's right.

[John] Okay, cool.

Welcome to Everybody's in L.A., the show.

Uh, how was the Tar Pits?

Unbelievable.

Oh, I believed it.

-I'm not saying I didn't believe it. -Oh, right.

-I'm saying it as an American expression. -Okay, cool.

It was unbelievable. But you would have liked it, John,

if you had joined us, because there's a 3D movie...

[John] I wasn't gonna join you. What are you talking about?

Well, first of all, I texted you the other day.

I go, "Should I prepare for the talk about the La Brea Tar Pits?"

You go, "Have you watched my show? No one prepares anything."

No, including myself.

But we watched the movie, the 3D movie,

of all of these woolly mammoths and saber-tooth tigers in CG

being stuck in these naturally-occurring tar pits

that do still exist today.

And they basically freeze in real time, and then they can't get out.

And in the middle of this movie, in a full theater,

the two comedians, Hannah Gadsby and I, just start laughing hysterically

because they can't get out.

-But... -It's a mass grave.

Which is unfair, but they're CG.

Yeah. Yeah.

[chuckles]

Well, even if they weren't CG, they've been dead some 60,000 years, so...

It is a mass grave for stupid animals.

[John] Wow. Dr. Emily Lindsey.

John Mulaney.

[John laughs]

Could you tell us what are La Brea Tar Pits?

So, La Brea Tar Pits is the most important Ice Age fossil site in the world,

and it just happens to be in the middle of L.A.

And that's because we have a lot of two things in L.A.,

which is earthquakes and oil.

And there's this one place in Mid-City where these two things come into contact.

And you have this underground oil reserve

seeping up along these cracks in the rock formed by the earthquakes.

And it forms these shallow, sticky pools of tar or asphalt

that act as traps on the landscape.

And for the last 60,000 years, these traps,

anything that steps in them, falls in them, lands in them,

flies in them, blows in them, gets stuck there forever and preserved.

And it has built up the most incredible record

of Ice Age life anywhere on the planet.

Wow. What are some things that might surprise all of us

that used to roam the terrain of Los Angeles?

So, Ice Age L.A. was kind of like the African Serengeti, but on steroids.

So, you have two species of things like elephants.

You have probably seven carnivores that could eat you really easily.

You've got three species of sloths that are between 1000 and 3000 pounds.

-[Mike] Three-thousand-pounds sloths? -Three-thousand-pounds sloths.

Their bones? Or when they're padded out? Like, how'd you weigh that?

[John] 3000-pound bone or full?

When they were alive, with all the flesh and everything on them.

Also, they had these really big claws,

and they have armor embedded in their skin.

So, were they badass, then?

Or were they like the sloths we see now who just smile and hold on to the...?

[audience and Mike laugh]

They were probably pretty badass. I would, you know...

The big claws. I'd stay away from the big claws.

But they weren't fast.

They walked kind of on their knuckles and the sides of their feet.

Some of the animals that we still see around Los Angeles,

mountain lions, were they in existence back then?

Yup, yup, we have mountain lions

going back at least 50,000 years in the Tar Pits.

Actually, our third most common large animal is the coyote,

-which you discussed on your first show. -[John] Yes, we did.

So, coyotes, we have tons of coyotes in the Tar Pits.

Was the coyote a different kind of species back then?

-Same size? -Same coyotes.

[Richard] Were they huge? Were the coyotes huge?

Yeah, they were a bit bigger, but they were the same...

They weren't giant like the sloths.

They were just big coyotes.

Wow.

But I understand there wasn't as many mountain lions as...

We don't find a lot of mountain lions in the Tar Pits.

Is that because they go deeper, or you just haven't looked hard enough?

[audience laughs]

-You're not interested in them? -Or you're waiting to see what bubbles up.

I've always wondered that.

Do you guys just kind of chill, and then one floats to the top,

and you're like, "Saber-tooth"?

No, it doesn't work that way. No, we have to dig for them.

The mountain lions, I don't know. Maybe they were in the mountains.

Maybe they were scared of all the, like, saber-tooth cats,

but we don't find them very commonly in the Tar Pits.

Why did the saber-tooth cats, which we think of as ferocious, die off,

and the mountain lions survived?

-That's a really good question. -Thank you.

[audience laughs]

Yeah. Thanks a lot.

[audience applauds]

So, we think that, um...

There's a couple of things.

We know that this big extinction event, which happened all around the world,

sometime around, between about 10,000 and 50,000 years ago,

depending on what continent you're looking at,

uh, it was almost exclusively the big things.

And there's a couple of reasons.

You know, big things, they require more resources,

they reproduce more slowly,

they have a more difficult time adjusting to substantial change.

And there was a lot of change going on at this time.

Uh, here in L.A.,

we know the animals disappeared around 13,000 years ago.

And, at that time, we're going through this massive period of climate warming.

And it's also when human populations are really growing.

And so, there's these impacts that you're having.

You're having droughts, you're having, uh, tree loss,

you're having, um, fires starting everywhere.

And after that time, all the big animals are gone from L.A.

The scrappier animals survived.

-The scrappier animals survived... -It's like the studio system.

You know how, like, P-22...?

P-22. Yeah.

When he once, like, snuck into the L.A. Zoo and ate a koala?

[John] Sorry?

P-22 once snuck into the L.A. Zoo and ate a koala.

-[John] He ate a koala. -He ate a koala, right?

Like, a saber-tooth cat can't subsist on koalas.

But mountain lions can 'cause they're smaller.

And they... Yeah. Wow.

And there's not enough koalas to feed any species.

You don't see many.

Sorry, one second. I do wanna check in.

Our contestants must be deep in Hollywood by now.

Can we see... Where have they gone?

Oh, they're still at the gate.

-[Richard laughs] -[John] Sorry.

You went to the...

[audience applauds]

Dudes, did you send them to the Gordon Gate?

Send them to the Sunset Gate.

The Gordon Gate is closed. All right.

-All right. -[Richard laughs]

Let's take a call on the future of L.A.

And we're discussing the prehistoric past of L.A.

because it will give us clues towards the future.

I should've said that before I brought out these guests

and set up the Tar Pits.

Don't worry. I know exactly what I'm doing.

Um...

[Richard chuckles]

Really? Ashley, is this real?

Okay. This has been vetted?

Okay.

Hi, you're on Everybody's in L.A. Who's this?

[Karen] Hello?

Hello.

[Karen] This is Mayor Karen Bass. How are you?

-Hello, Your Honor. How are you? -[audience cheers]

Wow.

[Karen] I am doing just fine.

Excited about your show, of course.

Thank you. You've seen the show?

[Karen] Yeah, well, you know.

-I mean, Everybody's in L.A. [Mike] No. That was a hard no.

Listen, listen, with everything going on in Los Angeles,

you totally shouldn't be watching the show.

How are you, Your Honor?

[Karen chuckles] I am doing just fine.

Um, we're talking about the future of L.A. today.

Is that why we're graced with your call?

[Karen] Yeah, because I wanna say that the future of L.A. is incredible.

-This is an amazing city. -Yeah, but you're the mayor.

[Karen] Well, yes, I am the mayor. And I was born and raised in this city.

And I'm not leaving to go anywhere.

-Where'd you grow up, Mayor Bass? -[Karen] I grew up in Mid-City.

You know that area? It was on your map.

It was on my map, yeah.

Mid-City, one of the most uniquely named parts of L.A.

[Karen laughs]

Um, tell me, Mayor Bass,

what are you most excited about for Los Angeles?

[Karen] Well, I'm excited about the future.

One of the things that I love about L.A. is that the whole world is here.

We have the food, we have the people, and we have the culture.

I mean, what happens in L.A. impacts the entire world.

We're the entertainment industry capital of the world.

Um, Mayor Bass, I would imagine you have

a very sprawling, strange, interesting job.

-Um... -[Karen] I do.

What is the hardest part of your job?

[Karen] Oh, the hardest part of the job is...

The wonderful thing about L.A. is that everybody's here.

And that's the hardest part of the job. Everybody's here.

Can I ask Mayor Bass one question?

Mike Birbiglia, New York resident, has a question.

[audience laughs]

-As a New York resident... -[Karen] New York? Where's that?

Okay. As a New York resident, I'd like to ask,

are we supposed to eat almonds or not?

[Karen] Yes.

'Cause I know it takes a lot of water to make almonds.

[Karen] Yeah, it does. But see, that's the thing about L.A., too,

is that we're healthy.

-We're what? -Sorry?

[Karen] We eat healthy food. We have exercise.

We have the beach. We bike ride.

Everything you could possibly want.

-I think your... -Excuse me. Excuse me.

-Um, Mayor...? -[John] Mayor Bass.

-Mayor Bass. Hello. Hello. -[John] Hannah Gadsby speaking.

I'm not from here.

Um, I'm from a place that also has food, people, and culture.

Um... [clicks tongue]

I don't share, um, your optimism.

[audience laughs]

From the outside, it doesn't look like a healthy place.

-[Karen] Well, it is a healthy... -You're about to lose all your palm trees.

I haven't gotten over that episode.

-[John] Yeah, oh. -[Mike] That was hard.

Mayor Bass, I was curious. We did an episode on palm trees.

What is the city's official position on replanting the palm trees

that are about to die off?

[Karen] Well, we wanna make sure that our palm trees survive,

but we also want to have trees that are... The shade is much more full.

Right. So, palm trees provide no shade.

[Karen] They don't. So, we need to have a variety of trees in our city.

And when?

[audience laughs]

Like, I feel like time's ticking.

-Am I pressing your mayor too hard? -No, not at all.

-These are good questions. -I don't know how this works.

Um, or do we have trees on the way?

-[Karen] We do. -In seed form?

[Karen] We do. We have... [laughs] And we're planting trees...

You wouldn't start with seeds, would you?

-We're planting grown trees too... -Maybe seedlings, this high.

...because it takes trees forever to grow.

Yes.

-Sorry, I wasn't listening there. -I am so sorry.

Mayor Bass, I have a follow-up question.

Should we be eating almonds?

-[audience laughs] -[Bass laughs]

I love almonds! Almonds are healthy.

I know they take a lot of water.

Mike has some memory issues.

I don't know. We can't trust Mayor Bass. She's in the pocket of Big Almond.

And I know the Blue Diamond money funded your campaign.

[audience, Karen, and Mike laugh]

[Karen] To the tune of millions of dollars.

Mayor Bass, um, what would you say...

What do you wish more people in Los Angeles understood about your job?

[Karen] Uh, the complexity of the job.

But you know what, I want them to participate and help me do my job

because I believe in democracy.

And democracy only works if everybody participates.

That's... That's true. Uh...

[audience applauds]

What do you wish...

What do you wish you understood better about the people of Los Angeles?

[Karen] What do I wish I understood better about them?

Yeah.

[Karen] Well, maybe what they need.

Because there are so many different types of people here,

and I know what lots and lots of people need,

but you could always know more.

So, are you gonna come and volunteer and help us out?

We have lots of opportunities here...

What kind of car do you drive?

-[audience laughs] -[Karen laughs]

Your Honor, when you're not being driven, what kind of car do you drive?

[Karen] I think you are avoiding my question.

I want you to join me in City Hall.

Sure, I'll be planting big live oaks that provide lots of shade

starting around 8 a.m. tomorrow.

You'll see me in front of Madame Tussaud's on Hollywood.

-[audience laughs] -[Karen laughs]

It's gonna be kind of hard to plant a tree in concrete,

but I'll be there ready for you.

And what are we driving, Your Honor?

-[Karen] What am I... [laughs] -What kind of car do you drive when...

[Karen] I am not driving, and I don't own a car. How about that?

Oh, wow. Because you're driven, 'cause you're the mayor?

[Karen laughs]

What kind of car did you have before you were the mayor?

[Karen] Before I was the mayor, I had a Lincoln.

And my very first car was a Volkswagen. A Lincoln hybrid.

Wow, very cool. Thanks for calling in.

[audience and Mike laugh]

All right.

Let's, um...

[audience applauds]

[Richard laughs]

The almond question, because of the almond farming?

[Mike] Yeah, it takes a lot of water to make an almond.

I didn't wanna put you on the hot seat 'cause... Is it a political thing?

Can she fire you from La Brea Tar Pits?

-Oh, good question. -No. We're county.

-[John] You're county? -Yeah.

[John] You could have gone off.

[audience laughs]

Um, let's check in with our Finding Flea contestants.

Payton, how's it going out there?

-Hey, Payton. -It's going pretty good. Hi.

Hi. And where are you right now, Payton?

We're on the hunt.

I'm thinking maybe an arcade, maybe a liquor store. Something like that.

Okay, arcade. Oh, well...

I should be more poker-faced, but you are definitely on the right...

Well, anyway.

[audience laughs]

Carrell, are you there?

-Yeah. -Hey, what's up, man?

I'm here. Hello.

Neither of them are buckled up. That's great.

[audience laughs]

How are you doing? You're on the hunt.

Yeah. I'm on the hunt right now. Doing all right.

Where are you headed? What's your plan right now?

So, right now, we're heading to a Walmart.

-Ah... -[audience laughs]

I don't know, I have to not give away... You're definitely on a good...

Whatever, I won't say.

Um, and Flea, how are you doing?

I'm very comfortable in my skin.

[audience laughs]

The night is falling.

It's twilight, and you know what they say about night.

♪ The freaks come out at night The freaks come out at night ♪

That's right, Flea. Okay.

[audience applauds]

Stay comfortable. Stay comfortable, Flea.

Stretch your legs. They're not anywhere near you.

-[Flea] Thank you. -Don't worry. They're lost.

Um, I'm gonna give each contestant a lifeline right now.

You have two lifelines to choose from, contestants.

Here are the lifelines. First lifeline is called "Blackout."

I will show the cityscape of L.A. at night,

and then I will black out an area where Flea is not.

So, this will help you know where not to go, all right?

Our second lifeline option is called "Ask Richard."

In that lifeline, you ask Richard Kind where Flea is.

[audience laughs]

Let's go to Payton first. Payton, what lifeline do you wanna do?

-[Richard] Ask me. Ask me. -Do you want Blackout...?

I like the cut of Richard's jib. I'll ask Richard.

-You're gonna ask Richard? Oh, my gosh. -[audience cheers].

That is... All right. She went with "Ask Richard." Richard...

Where is Flea?

I have no idea.

[audience laughs]

-I don't know where he is. -[John] No idea.

I'm here! I've been here. I don't know.

Payton, I'm sorry he didn't know where Flea was.

Uh, let's go to Carrell now.

[audience laughs]

Hey, Carrell, did you listen to that?

-Hey, John. Uh, yeah. -Okay, good.

You heard all that? Well, what lifeline do you choose?

[audience laughs]

-Would you like to do Blackout? -I'll go with Blackout.

Blackout. Okay. You sure you don't wanna ask Richard?

-All right. -Um, no.

No, we'll do Blackout. Let's take a look at L.A. lit up at night.

This is gonna be helpful.

All right, now let's black out a section of L.A. where Flea is not.

-[audience laughs] -[John] Yeah.

All right, so Flea is currently not in Little Armenia.

I hope... I truly, from the bottom of our hearts,

we hope that that helps very much.

-[audience applauds] -[Richard chuckles]

All right. I'll be back with our panel in a moment to...

For more discussion on the past and future of Los Angeles.

But first, take a look at this.

[Tony] I grew up in the San Fernando Valley.

They call me Tony.

But when they don't know my name, they call me doctor.

[Tony laughs]

And I keep them ticking. I can take the waist in, let them out.

Taper them, splice them, add to them zippers, buttons.

I'll keep them going as long as I can.

People get attached to certain things.

Some pairs, like this one here,

they just keep bringing them back for more.

I tell them, you gotta retire them, get another pair and work on it, you know.

But he says, "I'll pay you whatever. Just fix them."

It's like Frankenstein.

Look at that.

Jesus Christ.

I tell him, "Get rid of it." But he wants it.

I started in 1975. And I get all kinds of different people here.

He used to come in all the time. And he saw some of the pictures.

He says, "Can I bring you a picture?" I says, "Yeah, absolutely."

So, he... He played the third Jason.

[chuckles]

I forget his name now, but that was way back when.

Pair of jeans. They're always gonna be in fashion.

They go to bells, and they go back to skinny,

and they go to high-rise, then they go to low-rise.

What goes around comes around.

But you know, everything goes up and down and fades away.

And that's the... [chuckles]

But I'm a Valley guy, and I go with the flow.

[chuckles]

[upbeat music plays]

[audience cheers]

[music stops]

Welcome back, ladies and gentlemen.

Welcome back to Everybody's in L.A.

Tonight, we're exploring Los Angeles in the present

and Los Angeles in the future.

And my next guest is an expert on all things Los Angeles,

uh, and the future and utopias and dystopias.

Please welcome... And this is an enormous honor.

...legendary director of films like Halloween, The Thing and Escape from L.A.,

Mr. John Carpenter.

-[audience cheers and applauds] -Yeah!

That was pretty great. Thanks for the devil horns.

No, you're welcome. You are more than welcome.

Mr. Carpenter, thank you so much for being here.

-My name is John. -So is mine. All right.

I'll call you John.

Um...

-You moved here from Kentucky? -I did.

How old were you when you came to Los Angeles?

-Twenty years old. I was. -Twenty years old.

What was your first day in L.A. like? Do you remember?

I landed at the airport, LAX, and I was gonna go to USC.

-For film school? -Yeah. I got a map.

And I... Just right up... It looks like right up the street here.

So, I decided to walk.

-[audience laughs] -[John laughs]

So, I put my bags... And they used to have those lockers, you know.

And I had a guitar. And I brought... I brought it.

And I was walking up the street. And I was just bopping along...

-From LAX? -Yes.

[audience laughs]

And I got... It kept going and going.

And finally, I realized, "What the f... What is this?"

This is too big.

So, you know, I'm from a little small town in Kentucky.

So, I finally took a bus and got there.

-You got to USC. -Yeah. It's stupid.

-What was USC like? -Stupid.

What was USC like in the late '60s?

Well, L.A. was fantastic in the late '60s.

You understand, this is the home of...

Well, I mean, it had everything here.

The most beautiful women in the world live in Los Angeles.

-[audience cheers] -Oh, you know it.

-That was Mayor Bass's campaign slogan. -Oh.

So, from Kentucky. You're kidding me? It's a wonderland here. It's incredible.

-Where would you go to see... -Everywhere. Anywhere.

I would... I went to the Sunset Strip.

I wanted to see what was going on.

Wow. Late '60s Sunset Strip. What was that like?

I'm walking. And out of the shadows, somebody would come up and say:

"Acid. Acid."

[audience laughs]

-Did you drop acid? -No.

-You never did? -No.

Were you not into hallucinogens, drugs, things like that?

A little marijuana, but that's about it.

I didn't want... No, thanks on the rest. But enjoy. Um...

But, yeah. And I went up to the Whisky, saw, uh, Chicago Transit Authority.

-That was Chicago before... Yeah. -They became Chicago later.

-There was great music back then. -Yeah. Oh, man.

Everything. The weather, the people.

L.A. is... Well, for me. This is for me. ...paradise.

And I've lived here ever since. And I love it.

Love every inch of it.

You love every inch of Los Angeles. That's fantastic.

-[audience cheers and applauds] -L.A.!

That's right.

Uh, John, what do you think the future of L.A. holds?

Oh, boy.

Well, okay, I'm gonna tell you what's gonna happen in the future.

-You'll tell me exactly what will happen? -I am.

[John laughs]

Within the next five years,

you're gonna have, uh... Mexico is gonna retake California.

And, uh, it's gonna start...

-That's in the next five? -Yeah.

There's gonna be a riot starting in Bel Air.

The help, the housekeepers and the gardeners are gonna start rioting.

-Rioting against those they work for. -Rioting there. It's gonna spread.

-Yeah. -And so, Mexico's gonna take us back.

But about six or eight months later,

there's gonna be a massive earthquake.

And... And...

So, in five years at least, Mexico takes us over.

-And then massive earthquake. -Wham-o.

And the long-awaited Doobie Brothers prophecy takes place.

-Which is? -California breaks off into the sea.

-Yeah. -So, that's what's gonna happen.

The Doobie Brothers foretold that in their scrolls.

-They did. -Yeah.

[audience and Richard laughs]

And then, um, Mexico gives back California to...

-They don't want it anymore? -No, they don't like that.

That's what's gonna be left of us, is we're gonna be in ruins.

-So. But... -But how do you feel about ruins?

-Like, um... -I love them.

-'Cause I know... -I love ruins.

I don't wanna bug you about your movies

'cause you told me not to, quote: "Fucking bring that up." But...

[audience and Richard laugh]

Sorry. Um...

But, you know, Escape From L.A. has a dystopian vision of L.A.,

but it's very... It's a very funny, brilliant movie.

-And so I see... -Thank you.

I feel like you can find the fun in apocalypse. Thoughts?

[audience laughs]

Well, comedy kind of comes out of that, doesn't it?

-[John] Of course. -Comes out of pain.

-Yeah. -Well, there you go.

How much would you wanna survive of an apocalyptic scenario?

I don't wanna be near it. Yeah, I don't really wanna be...

But if it happened in L.A., would you wanna go quick or would you want to...?

-No, I don't wanna go quick. -You don't?

-I would try to survive. Yeah. -Oh, I wouldn't.

-You wouldn't? -I'd try to protect my family.

But at a certain point if we're talking about, you know,

motorcycle gangs where, you know, they run on whiskey

and, uh, people are selling their teeth and everyone has a sawed-off shotgun,

I'd rather... I like my life. I don't just like life.

I can deal with...

I can deal with people. But it's... That's not what worries me.

-What worries you? -It's natural...

I mean, if there's a big earthquake, a giant one, forget it.

-Were you here for Northridge? -Yes.

-Was it scary? -Yes!

[John and audience laugh]

What did you do?

Uh, well, I shit my pants, is what I did.

[audience laughs]

[Richard laughs]

It was, uh... It brought the city to its knees.

-I mean, it was really big. -Yeah.

I am... Really, I love your pro-L.A. optimism about the people, especially.

Do you think L.A. gets a rap for having dumb people?

People think that California is filled with dumb...

-What? -That's what people say.

Oh, come on, man.

California has the most brilliant people in the entire world.

-[audience cheers and applauds] -Jet Propulsion Laboratory.

-Come on, now. -The which?

-Jet Propulsion Laboratory. -The Jet Propulsion Laboratory.

-Come on. We sent people into space. -Yeah.

What do you think Texas does? Nothing.

-Texas does nothing. -Nothing. Nothing.

Yeah. I mean, that shit gets tiresome after a while.

I know. I'm like, that's ridiculous. "We're stupid."

Well, they've become... That's because there were a lot of religious cults

kind of swimming around here, you know?

How did that... Yeah, I noticed there was a lot of Satanism too.

-I think it was the weather. -Yeah.

-Did you ever meet any satanists? -I did not, no.

Oh, okay. I've heard they're around L.A. a lot.

They might be. They might be.

Why do you think so many religious cults settled out here?

The weather, I told you.

-[audience laughs] -It's nice. It's sunny.

-Just to be in the sun? -Yes, dude.

Do you think there's something kind of, though, isolated about L.A.,

that we feel like we can come out here

and do weirder shit than we would in other states? Thoughts?

Everything is here. The beaches.

The... The... The mountains.

We have, uh, the surf, we have winter, we have snow, we have rain.

-We have it all here. -Yeah.

You just have to, you know, embrace it.

-Do you go in the sun a lot? -No. Hell, no.

[audience laughs and applauds]

Do the, uh...

Do the Santa Ana winds scare the shit out of you?

-They give me an uneasy feeling. -No, they're cool.

-They're pretty cool. Yeah. -Yeah.

-This is a corny question. -Okay.

You can slap it down. But as the man that made Halloween,

is there... It doesn't seem like much scares you.

Yeah.

[audience laughs]

I retract... I'm backing off the question. I don't think it's good.

Okay. What's your question?

-Well, I was wondering... -You wanna know what scares me?

-Yeah. -Wow. Wow.

-What a great question, right? -Okay. Uh...

Fried calamari.

[audience laughs]

Why does fried calamari scare you?

Oh, the three rules for living, ladies and gentlemen. Three rules.

-Three rules. -Never eat fish.

[audience laughs]

Never leave home unless absolutely necessary.

[audience and John laugh]

Never go south of the border.

[audience laughs]

-Done. -Three rules for living.

-Have you had bad experiences with fish? -Yes, yes.

Vomiting and stuff or what?

-Have you ever heard of Fukushima? -Yes.

Okay. What happened at Fukushima?

Well, Fukushima was the nuclear...

If I'm getting any details wrong, I apologize.

I'm unprepared, and we're on live TV.

It was a nuc... A nuclear reactor meltdown after a tsunami in Japan.

-That's correct. -Thank you.

-Right into the ocean. -Yeah.

-Into where the fish swim. -Right.

-The tuna that... -They are nuked, dude.

-[audience laughs] -Nuked.

Did you eat fish before Fukushima?

I had a problem with fish when I was little. That's what it was.

Really? Yeah. Even like a fish stick from a frozen...

No fish stick was okay, but this was like lobsters, you know?

-You didn't like that. -Lobsters are bugs.

-Really? I didn't know that. -Yeah.

They... They have all these arms and things and crawling.

-Yeah. They're bugs. -Oh, wow.

This is the first time I've heard that.

-Have you been to La Brea Tar Pits? -I have. It's incredible.

-It's pretty groovy, right? -I love it. I love the tar pits.

If you could go back to L.A. in the '60s...

[audience laughs]

If you could go back to L.A. in the '60s for one day, what would you do?

Oh, man. Oh.

There are a couple girls I'd like to look up.

-[audience laughs] -Down on the Sunset Strip?

-Uh, no. I have their numbers still. -Oh, okay.

-Call them up. -That's nice.

Yeah, yeah.

Um, I was curious, uh...

-Making Escape From L.A. -Yes.

-Which is a fantastic movie. -Thank you. You've said that.

-[audience laughs] -Well, I really... I love it.

I mean, I don't wanna be bo...

I don't wanna be boring and get into your movies.

You're not boring at all.

-I appreciate that. -Everything you say is exceptional.

-That's great news. I appreciate it. -Yeah, it is. You're welcome.

Um, well, being a real Los Angeles aficionado,

was it more fun than making Escape From New York?

-Yes. God, yes. -'Cause you were blowing up your home.

But, you know, we had... It provided great sets.

The Northridge earthquake provided this whole block of ruin.

-It was fantastic. -That you could shoot on.

-Oh, yeah. -Yeah, it looks...

And it was after Northridge that you made it.

-Yeah, yeah. -Did that inform it?

Of course it did.

Because you thought about the city breaking off like that.

Of course. Yeah.

-Um, well, Mr. Carpenter, I... -What did I tell you in the beginning?

-Sorry. -My name is John.

-Your name is John. -And your name is John.

My name is John.

I just got into sort of a host mode, and I said it again.

-I'm sorry. -That's okay.

-Did you hear the mayor before? -I did. Yeah.

Are you... I appreciated her optimism.

I mean, I didn't wanna make it like a platform for the mayor,

but you know, like, it's probably a crazy job.

-Would you ever do it? -No. Hell, no.

-No? -Oh, God, no. No.

-She's a really cool human being, yeah? -Yeah.

And I love what she has planned for L.A. I mean, she's gonna try her best.

[audience and John laugh]

-No, seriously. -Yeah.

She is.

Why are you laughing at that?

She's gonna try her best to make life better for us.

That's very...

And we all gotta embrace that and help her, including you.

You have to. -[Richard] I will try.

I will try.

I get scared of L.A. sometimes.

-[Carpenter] He's New Yorker. -[John] He's a New Yorker.

I get scared, I don't know where the evil lies.

-You do. -[Carpenter] I do.

It lies in Halloween,

and it lies in a town that's going to be inundated with...

[stammers] Going into the ocean, and people coming and taking over.

You know, we shot Halloween in a little block off of Sunset Boulevard...

-[Richard] Yeah. -...called Orange Grove Boulevard.

-Yeah. -The houses are still there.

They look exactly the same.

After this show, I want you all to go up there...

and knock on their doors and say hi.

[audience and John laugh]

-Thank you, John Carpenter. -You got it, man.

-You're the man. Thank you so much. -All right.

John Carpenter, ladies and gentlemen.

[audience cheers and applauds]

Wow, that was fantastic. Thank you.

Richard.

-Richard, wasn't that a great interview? -It was great. It was...

I'm sorry, I'm a little distracted right now.

And you... It was fascinating talking about evil.

But, uh, a certain robot,

is breaking the bro code.

-Hey, Saymo! -[whirring]

Stop flirting with my girl.

[audience laughs]

[John] That young... That's your girlfriend?

-My girlfriend, right there. -Hi, John.

-JoBeth. -[John] Hi.

-JoBeth? -It was kismet. JoBeth.

[John chuckles]

It was a kismet, our meet-cute, wasn't it?

Came up to her at Coffee Bean multiple times.

[audience laughs]

Told her I was a fashion photographer.

You know who she used to date? Vincent Gallo.

-And this huge agent over at WME. -[John] Oh.

Yeah, then with lots of guys.

That's how you know I'm a good girlfriend.

And there she is stealing my JoBeth.

You got some nerve, Saymo.

All right, all right, all right. Rich, calm down.

Hey, Saymo. Would you bring us a couple ginger ales here, please?

-Get us some... -Ow, ow, ow!

Oh, John! Johnny, Johnny!

[yelling] Saymo ran over my shoes!

My leather shoes!

-My Italian leather shoes! -[John] Oh, oh.

The hell's the matter with you?

You got nacho cheese in your circuits?

You boat brain!

Why don't you just go lock lips with a jukebox?

-Get out of here! -Hey, Richard! Richard!

-Get out of here! No, no! -We don't talk that way on this show.

This is wrong!

Get out of here, you clumsy robot!

-Leave my girl alone! -[John] Richard, take it easy.

[Richard] You'll never amount to anything at this show!

-Richard... -[audience applauds]

-What are you clapping? We don't clap... -Get out of here!

We don't clap for being mean.

[Richard] Oh, John, John, you and, "Oh, Saymo, oh, he's gonna be a big star."

Oh, go, go.

-Get out of here! -[John] Hey, man.

Take it out on other people but not me and Saymo. Okay?

Yell at other people on the show.

Jesus.

-Now he's gone. -[Richard] I'm sorry.

We don't have any drinks for me and John Carpenter.

I know. I'm sorry.

-John, I'm sorry... -[John] All right. Are you happy?

[melancholic music playing]

[engines roaring]

-[tire screeches] -Fuck you!

[horn honks]

[horn honks, tires screech]

Watch it, robot!

You're nothing but an oversized thermos on training wheels!

[upbeat music playing]

-[audience cheers and applauds] -[John laughs]

Yeah, I can hear.

Hi. Welcome back.

As you know, we are in the middle of an intense search

for Flea, bassist from the Red Hots.

Get it right.

It's not Mr. Carpenter, it's John.

It's not the Chili Peppers, it's the Red Hots.

Earlier, we were talking about. the past of L.A. and the future of L.A.,

and right now, there's a problem with the feed to Flea.

Do you have him yet?

I'd continue vamping. It's not that I'm uncomfortable on camera.

I just don't have any information.

[audience laughs]

You've got him? Okay. All right.

Hey, Finding Flea contestants. Are you there?

Payton, Carrell?

-Yes. Hello? -We've got another...

[John] We've got another clue to share with you.

Hi, Flea. We've got another clue. Let's hear it.

"Fun zone."

[Richard laughs]

[John] Fun zone?

[audience laughs]

Fun zone.

[John] Okay, you got a good clue.

[all laugh]

[John] Go find Flea. You're running out of time.

Come on, you crazy kids.

While our contestants continue their search...

[audience applauds]

[Richard] Oh, gosh.

While our contestants continue their search,

I'd like you to take a look at this.

[inspiring music playing]

[thuds]

[thumps]

["Clair de lune" by Debussy playing]

[interviewer] If you could give advice

to the graduating class of 2024, what would it be?

Follow your dreams for sure, but if you got a plan, stick to your plan

'cause that's how we got out here, really, you know.

I just kind of follow my personal morals.

[man 1] I'm a big believer in your passions.

A lot of people don't know what they're doing,

so take your time,

and don't put that pressure on yourself if you can't find a job immediately.

[music continues]

If you live your life by one motto, what would it be?

Open yourself up to other possibilities, to what you'll find.

Right. Not being afraid to kind of, you know, think outside the box.

Hundred percent, yeah.

[whistle blows]

Do you have any advice for graduating seniors?

-[laughs] Sorry. -No?

No.

We're pulling the ladder up behind us. Figure it out.

Good luck.

[thuds, then beeps]

If you could go back in time, what would you tell yourself?

Well, I should've stayed in school. Look at me.

Oh, you're doing great.

Obstacles are healthy.

What'd they say? One step backwards, two step forwards.

Like, going backwards and failure is...

Actually, failure is crucial to success.

[man 2] The young should get in touch with their spiritual side.

[interviewer] With an organized group or on their own?

I'm talking about God.

Pursue your passion. Stick to it and never give up.

[upbeat music playing]

[woman 1] If you think about the greatest people in history,

they did not fit in.

[interviewer] Who do you think of when you think of a great artist?

-You know, Tina Turner came to mind. Uh... -[interviewer] If you were giving advice

to a friend who's going through a hard time, what would you tell them?

Gotta go right through it.

Like, can't go around it, can't go under it.

You gotta go right through it.

You just gotta find those moments of light and happiness.

It was very hard to have hope as a young person.

And as I've gotten older, I'm like, "There's so much hope.

Things are gonna be okay."

You find a way as long as you don't give up.

If you didn't give up, then you won.

[upbeat music continues]

[electronic music playing]

[audience cheers and applauds]

[music fades]

Welcome back, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome back to the show.

We're discussing the future of L.A. tonight.

Hannah, Mike, Dr. Emily Lindsey, thank you for hanging out.

We're going to bring out two wonderful more people.

-Two more wonderful people. -[audience laughs]

They're excellent comedians, they're great people to hang out with,

and they're dear friends, and I'm very excited they're here.

Please welcome Nikki Glaser and George Wallace.

[audience cheers]

[speaking indistinctly]

George Wallace, Nikki Glaser, ladies and gentlemen.

Let me get in the middle.

-Let me get right in the middle of you. -Get right in the middle.

I'm about to sit my big ass down on this little sofa here.

I can't get up. If I go down, it's like a toilet stool.

-It's okay. -Oh!

-It's not that deep. -It is deep.

-[John] Okay. -It's good to be here.

-This is like... -[John] Is the couch too deep?

Oh, my, all these funny people out here. This is so good.

-Look at these funny people. I'm... -He's moved on.

-[grunts] -No he hasn't.

I'm so happy to be here. I love this show so much.

-Thanks, Nikki. -I've watched it all week.

I'm gonna miss it so much. It's great.

It's like an inside joke that only you are in on.

[all laugh]

But it feels... It's just so you. It's really fun.

-[John] Thanks, Nikki. I appreciate that. -I'm glad you have a podcast finally.

[all laugh]

-It's a video podcast in a way. -It's awesome.

It's so cool to be here.

It feels like a diorama I built, honestly.

George, do you hang out in Los Angeles a lot?

Hell, no. This city sucks, man.

[all laugh]

You think I'm kidding? What is traffic here?

What does it do? It suck.

-You from Australia, aren't you? -I don't come here often.

-We don't want you to come back, then. -[all laugh]

George, did you hear the mayor before? She thinks everything's great.

Well, she has to do...

She's a great lady, by the way.

She's beautiful, and things are gonna be great.

But it's not... In ten years, it's not gonna be L.A. anymore.

It's gonna... The moviemaking is gonna go to Africa, and, uh...

-Well, not Africa but Atlanta. Same thing. -[guests and audience laugh]

That's Richard over... Richard Kind.

You were so mean. You were so mean.

I don't even get to get ginger ale because your punk ass made the man leave!

[audience laughs]

I had no choice. He's after my girl.

What do I do? There's a code, my friend.

-[George groans] -[John] He's living by the bro code.

Oh, bro code. That's another thing.

How you doing? Where's the lady with the gentrification?

Uh, what do you call it? La Brea Tar Pits.

You moving the Black people out of the neighborhood?

-[audience laughs] -You know...

-[John] Great question. Dr. Emily Lindsey. -[audience laughs]

We've had a lot...

We've had a lot of very interesting things brought up on this show.

And I think that's a great one to lean into. [chuckles]

Did you kick...

What was it, George? ...Black people out of...

When you first moved here,

didn't you think La Brea Tar Pits was a Black neighborhood?

-[John] No, I didn't. -You didn't think that?

I was looking for it because they got...

But now, what are you doing over there with the tar pits?

-You moving them out? You're gonna... -[all laugh]

-Well, no... -White people do stupid shit.

Now you're taking our community away. White people do stupid shit.

Like, just his last day, he showed up for work.

-That's stupid shit white people would do. -[audience laughs]

-Me coming on my last day? -You don't come to work on your last day.

-[guests and audience laugh] -[George] You got to be crazy.

I just come late and move some shit out.

Yeah, listen. I... I can't believe I'm sitting next to this lady

-that destroyed the world...at the roast. -[John] At the roast? Yeah.

-Thank you. -[audience cheers and applauds]

She didn't literally destroy the world, Dr. Lindsey.

She just killed at The Roast of Tom Brady on Sunday.

Absolutely destroyed. Had the set of the night.

-It was wild. -Thank you so much.

What was that like? Was that fun?

It was, you know, so nerve-wracking because it's live,

-which is... You get it. -Sure.

-But it's like... -[John] But there were stakes.

This has like... We don't know what this is.

Well, it's killing. This is killing.

But, yeah, the stakes were high,

and you don't know if those jokes are gonna work with that audience.

Like, you've never been able to try out those jokes with the people there before.

So it really is risky.

But man, you ever get done with a set and you're like:

"Thank God that's over"?

Like you're so nervous about it, it goes well, and you're like, "Ah."

That... I had that feeling afterwards.

Like, it was just so cathartic to get done with it.

Mike, Hannah, George, me, and Emily,

when you speak in public, do you...? Who's...?

Do you still get nervous before everything?

I still do.

I don't. I love it. That's my sex and my drugs.

I love to go out there. That's my sex and my drugs. I get off.

Let me tell you something. When I...

You get off on stage?

[audience laughs]

Sometimes, when you get off, they give you a little light to get off.

-That's what that means. -Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But I love what I do. I have the greatest job in the world.

And sometimes, I hope everybody else is enjoying their life,

especially young people.

Make sure you enjoy your life. I thank God every day.

And I choke up because all I do is lie.

I just love to lie and make up shit.

-[audience laughs] -Isn't that great?

-[John] Yeah. -I just love what I do.

And I know she does, the way she killed the other night.

I saw her. I was like, "Wow, I couldn't do what she does."

Yes, you could.

Being a comedian is the hardest job in the world.

Some people don't know that, they...

Hannah thinks, no, not the hardest job in the world.

Hannah, what is harder than doing stand-up?

-Quite a lot. I just... -[audience laughs]

Like, there's a lot of really hard jobs. This is fun.

No, talking shit is great.

-[audience laughs] -That's not hard. It's great.

But that's what I'm saying. It's still hard.

We don't just... You don't just do jokes. We have to plan.

-You don't think she just went up there... -Everyone has to plan.

-Everyone has to plan. -[audience laughs]

-There's something wrong with you! -Yes there is.

Some jobs, you don't have to plan.

-Uh... -That's true too.

You make this show, you make Seinfeld look really bad.

Talk about a show about nothing. Ooh.

[audience gasps]

I made Seinfeld look bad?

He had a show about nothing, but this is really...

-Right. -[John] Oh, right. I...

I trumped him in terms of a lack of premise.

This is really about nothing. And you know what? And I like it.

I like the format. I like everything you do.

I like your new hairstyle. I like it all.

-[audience laugh] -Uh...

-[audience cheers and applauds] -Wait a second, wait a second.

I like this show... I like this show so much,

I wanna congratulate you with a nice... I got a gift for you.

Can you bring my gift out for John, please?

-You got a gift? -I have a gift for you

because you're so kind that you have me on the show.

-I have to pay people for it, you know. -What?

-Yes. -Aw!

-Oh, George. -Somebody help me up.

-Oh, oh, oh! -Wallace! Oh, my God.

-[George] Somebody help me up. -[Mike] Here we go.

-Everyone, help George. -[Mike] Let's get George out.

Yes, we have a congratulations cake for you.

Only for you, only because you're so nice.

What does it say?

It says, "Congratulations on your final show

or whatever this bullshit is" on here.

[guests and audience laugh]

[audience cheers and applauds]

And whoa, whoa.

That's a big spoon.

It's a silver spoon.

And I want you to have a piece of cake right now.

And, uh... Richard, how you cut the cake?

-I'm gonna cut a piece of cake for you. -[all laugh]

This has gone from really nice to some sort of force-feeding thing that...

This for this little bullshit show, have a...

This is not for you guys. You don't get shit, okay?

-You don't get nothing. -[Mike] I didn't ask.

-For John only. -Can I take a small bite of it?

I'm not gonna eat... I appreciate it,

but I decide how much cake I eat off an enormous spoon.

Okay. Thank you so much.

-Oh, that's pretty good, -That's good, that's good.

I wasn't gonna take a big bite.

Is there anything wrong with you before I eat this? After you ate...?

-No, I'm not contagious. I got nothing. -You sure?

Yeah. I'm just... It's just fatigue. Don't worry.

[audience laughs]

You went away for a while. I don't know what you went away for.

-I wanna know... -It wasn't anything contagious.

[all laugh]

You're gonna pay me now?

[audience laughs]

Yeah. We have it back... We have it backstage.

I know you usually walk around with cash. You've been away for a while.

It's just something I thought I'd bring up.

-Y'all want some cake? -No, I'm good.

[audience laughs]

Are you... George, before we pay you, are you SAG-AFTRA?

-Are you in the union? -Am I sagging?

[audience laughs]

Are you SAG-AFTRA? Thank you, Mike.

[Nikki] Oh, yum.

[audience cheers and applauds]

I love George Wallace.

I'll take cake from him all day. Are you kidding me?

George Wallace, he's ladled...

He's ladled more cake.

Eat the cake, Anna Mae. Eat the cake.

[audience laughs]

-Dr. Lindsey, don't eat any. -[Hannah] Thank you, sir.

[audience cheers and applauds]

Thank you, Dr. Lindsey.

Okay.

All these callers just blinking and...

[Richard and audience laugh]

Wait. Wait.

Right here, sir.

Okay. While George...

[audience cheers and applauds]

Careful. Okay.

While George feeds...

While George feeds...

Okay. That's all right.

-It's the last day. -Yeah.

[audience laughs]

Don't be tense. It's just... It's sheet cake. It's gonna be fun.

Uh, while George feeds the rest of our guests,

we're gonna go... Is Ashley...?

We're gonna go to a quick piece.

We're gonna go to a quick piece of video tape.

See you in a moment.

I'm on my lunch break.

Just walking around, taking a break.

Be open to new neighborhoods.

Don't just stay in Hollywood.

It's cool when you're, like, 18 and you gotta hit the club,

but get out of Hollywood.

There's so many different ethnic neighborhoods,

Little, you know... Filipinotown, Little Tokyo,

go to Koreatown, Inglewood.

Go anywhere but Hollywood.

I hate Hollywood.

[upbeat music playing]

[audience cheers]

[speaking indistinctly]

Welcome back.

Welcome back.

We're ostensibly talking about the future of L.A.,

but right now, a lot of people have been eating cake.

She just told me she's vegan. Let me tell you something,

you vegans and vegetarians,

you gonna die on schedule, just like everybody else.

[audience laughs]

-You want some cake? -[John] No. [laughs]

Richard, you want some cake?

I'm fine, thank you. Sugar rush.

All right, let's go to a call

because we have a crack team assembled here.

-Let's go to your call. -Aaron? Okay.

Aaron in Eagle Rock.

What's the topic tonight? Oh, future. Yeah.

[audience laughs]

Aaron in Eagle Rock, you're on Everybody's in L.A.

[Aaron] Hi. So I know Dr. Lindsey works at the tar pits,

and there's actually gonna be a subway stop

that opens near there next year.

This is on what they used to call the Purple Line.

Now they call it the D Line.

And so my question is,

will public transit ever be a good way to get around L.A.?

Will public transit ever be a good way to get around L.A.?

I mean, the history of that, at least, anecdotally...

Right, Rich? You told me Firestone Tires and the Ford Motor Company...

Firestone and Henry Ford said, "Put the kibosh on the subways."

And then... There were tunnels, and they just stopped.

-[John] They stopped building? -Yep.

-[George] Yeah. -Uh, do you think more would have, uh...

Did the digging of the subway tunnels uncover old fossils, Dr. Lindsey?

They did, but, uh...

Actually, there's a lot of fossils in L.A. that aren't in tar pits.

They didn't find any more tar pits when they dug the subway,

and that's probably good.

Speaking of big corporations...

Where...? What...? Where are all...

-the fossils? -[audience laughs]

Where are all these fossils that are not in the tar pits?

[Dr. Lindsey] Everywhere under L.A.

because we have this really high rate of, uh...

-[Hannah] Death? -Sedimentation.

[stutters] So like every year, you know,

the hills burn, and then it rains,

-and then you get a bunch of, uh... -[Hannah] Death?

-[audience laughs] -...dirt coming down off,

like the Santa Monica Mountains, and it's built up this, uh...

-And that's a great way to make fossils. -[George] Mm-hm.

And so everywhere you dig in L.A., you find fossils.

-Right. -Uh, not as many fossils

as we have at the tar pits,

but they did find some fossils in the subway, but just not...

Dr. Lindsey, what have you... What do you glean about the future of life

on this terrain from all your research into prehistory?

So what we know is that the Los Angeles basin

is capable of supporting a huge...

[John] Oh, sorry, Aaron, you still there?

-[audience laughs] -[Aaron] I am, yeah.

-What kind of car do your drive? -[Hannah chuckles]

[Aaron] Uh, I drive a silver 2011 Honda Fit.

A Honda what?

-[Aaron] Honda Fit. -Fit?

-[audience laughs] -[Aaron] Fit. Correct.

A Honda Fit? I never heard of that. You heard of Honda Fit?

[George] Hell no.

-Only in L.A. you get shit like that. -[audience laughs]

-Is that...? -Only at Alamo Rental.

-It's a Honda that sits there and you run. -[audience laughs]

-[John] Pretty good. -[indistinct chatter]

Did you hear Rich Kind?

He said, it's a Honda that sits there and you run.

-Do you get that, Aaron? -[Aaron] Yeah, that's fantastic.

-Bye-bye. Okay. -[audience laughs]

-[John] So this terrain is good for life? -[Emily] It's great for life.

I mean, the L.A. basin...

We have 600 species of plants and animals

identified from the La Brea Tar Pits alone.

And we know that the L.A. basin is capable of supporting

a huge amount of biodiversity.

Many different species of plants and animals.

Uh, we also know that it's really sensitive to changes,

uh, climate change, changes that humans, uh, cause as well.

And so we have to develop carefully.

I think Mayor Bass, who called in earlier,

um, has really great ambitious plans for, kind of, sustainable development

and integration of more nature in L.A.

And I hope that we can see that come to pass.

Opposite question. Will they make the freeways any larger?

-[audience laughs] -[Emily] You're asking me?

-Uh, you know the future. -Who else do you think he's talking to?

-[audience laughs] -"You talking to me?"

-[Mike] One question... -[Emily] Can you call the mayor back?

-We should. -And ask her that.

I have one more question. Should we eat almonds?

[audience laughs]

It's sad what happened to Mike. It just...

[audience laughs]

He comes and he goes. It's sad. He was... You know, he...

[audience cheers and applauds]

All of us close to him are working with him.

We're working with him and some exercise

and anti-inflammatories are helping his brain,

but it's very sad what's happened.

-I have a question for you. -Yes, George.

What kind of car do you drive?

I drive a, uh, Ford Bronco

and I have a Mini Cooper that's stick shift

-'cause I'm learning. -[George] Stick shift?

I'm learning stick right now.

-I drive a Subaru. -[Nikki] Why?

All the Black people... Any Black people listening?

All the Black people listening, make sure you drive a Subaru or a Volvo.

-Police never pull over a Subaru. -[John] Why?

[audience laughs]

-I can vouch for that. -I'm not lying.

-[Hannah] I can vouch for that. -Why are you learning stick shift?

[stutters] It frustrated me that I never knew stick shift.

And part of it's like sort of an apocalypse thing where I'm like,

there's gonna be a car gassed up, ready to rock.

-Yep. -And I'm gonna be, like, stalling out.

-Yeah. -And so I wanted to learn stick.

That's why I think Bill Burr learned how to, uh, fly a helicopter.

-[John] I know. His plan's better. -He wants to get out.

I'm just slowly having Olivia teach me stick shift.

-[Hannah] I plan to roll over and die. -[audience laughs]

-You're gonna give up? -Straight away. I'm food.

I've got sleep apnea.

-I can't even sleep on my own. -[audience laughs]

Like, I need electricity to keep go... I'm like... I'm not well-designed.

-You need a machine to sleep? -I should be in the tar pit.

-Like, in the next... -[audience laughs]

Because only, like, the dumb ones got stuck.

-[audience laughs] -[John] You think you'd be stuck?

They got stuck. They made decisions that got them to a place.

-And they're like, "Fuck." -[audience laughs]

Like, success on Netflix feels like a tar pit for me.

-Because I'm like, "Oh, this is it now." -[Nikki] Yes.

-Like, I'm just stuck. -[audience laughs]

-You blew up in one way... -It's fine.

-It's fine. It is just what it is now. -Yeah.

People come and look at us, but we're stuck.

-[Hannah] Yeah, we're stuck. Yeah. -Yeah.

-It's not the worst. -Do you find any feet in there?

Like, animals sort of just fallen off, like, their ankles?

-[Emily] We have a disproportionate... -Like 127 Hours, they just:

-[gnawing] Chew through. -Probably not.

I had a question when I was there today, 'cause they have animals reconfigured.

And John has a joke in his last Baby J special

about how sometimes do they get the bones wrong?

-[John] Oh, yeah. Not in the special. -Right?

But I have always wondered... No, but it was in the set.

It was in the hour but I cut it from the special.

This is that kind of insider comedian talk that doesn't exist anywhere in podcasts.

-Uh... -[guests laughs]

But did you ever assemble them wrong? Like, do you ever, like...

[John] Yeah. How do you know you assembled them right?

-That's a great question. -[John] It is.

All right. We have a caller in Hollywood.

-[George] All right. -Is that the last name, Ash? Scoot?

-All right. -[George] Scoot. Scoot over.

Scoot. Uh, Scoot, hi, in Hollywood. You're on Everybody's in L.A.

[Scoot] Yeah, is this Mulvaney?

-[audience laughs] -[George laughs]

[chuckles] This is John Mulaney on Everybody's in L.A.

[Scoot] Okay, listen.

Uh, Mulvaney, look. I, uh, I don't watch the show.

Uh, I don't got nothing to say about the future of L.A.

-This isn't really my... -You don't watch the show?

[audience laughs]

[Scoot] No, I mean, you're fine. I think you're a funny guy.

I'm glad you think I'm a funny guy. Thank you.

[Scoot] Look, I think you got some jokes.

I'm more of an Eddie Griffin fan, if I'm being honest with you.

You like Eddie Griffin?

[Scoot] That's my favorite comedian. I like Eddie Griffin.

-Have you...? -[George] Hang up on him.

[audience laughs]

You sit here and let him insult you like that?

-Hang up on him. -[John] A real-life Eddie Griffin fan.

-[Scoot] Hey, no. Hey. -How many times have you seen Eddie live?

-[Scoot] Three times I've seen him live. -Okay.

[Scoot] Each time better than the last. He's phenomenal.

-[laughing] What do you have to say, sir? -[Scoot] I...

Look, like I said, I don't watch this show.

-But your boy, Saymo, is out here. -What do you mean?

[Scoot] I've been seeing your boy, Saymo, around.

He's going around saying he knows you.

And he's saying he's gonna hurt himself.

-He's out on the streets? -[Scoot] Out on the streets, that's right.

-[Scoot] He... -Did you interact with him?

-This is Saymo, our robot. -[Scoot] Yeah.

We actually crawled out on a fire escape to smoke one-hitters together.

-[audience laughs] -Oh, wow.

[Scoot] Well, we talked, kind of connected just because we have similar backgrounds.

You have similar backgrounds with Saymo?

-[Scoot] Yeah. Yeah, that's right. -Okay.

[Scoot] Yeah, ask me about what my background is.

-What...? -[audience laughs]

-What's your background, Scoot? -[Nikki laughs]

[Scoot] I, uh, I... I'm an artist. You know, I'm an artist.

-Just like Saymo. -What kind of art do you make?

[Scoot] I, uh, I sell custom wisdom teeth.

[audience laughs]

-Scoot, Scoot, is Saymo...? -[George laughs]

Scoot, is Saymo...?

One, I'm gonna leave the show to you, Scoot.

Two, is Saymo okay?

[Scoot] Ahh, Saymo, he's not doing good.

He keeps saying... He screams, "I'm a star, I'm a star."

-And then, he gets sad. -Oh, shit.

-[Scoot] He cries his little robot tears. -Shit.

-[Scoot] It's bad out there, man. -Okay, uh, yeah, I hope...

-[Scoot] Ask me what kind of car I drive. -Sorry? What kind of car do you drive?

-[Scoot] I drive a Aztek. -[audience laughs]

-[Scoot] Okay. Okay. -Um...

[Scoot] You don't hang up on me, I hang up on you. Bye.

-[audience laughs] -All right.

Scoot. Thank you, Scoot. This is...

-Shit. -[audience laughs]

I mean, it doesn't sound like he's okay.

Um, can we do anything to...? Do we have our robot repair guy here?

Tony?

Hey, is there anything we could do to reset Saymo?

John, I don't know what to say here.

Saymo? His battery pack, I never installed it.

-[Richard] Oh. -You never...

-[laughs] -[audience laughs]

You never installed his battery pack?

-Yeah, he ain't got no batteries. -[audience laughs]

His circuits was never installed either.

No circuits, no batteries.

That means this whole time he's been...

[John and Richard] Alive.

[audience laughs]

Oh my God. Oh, this... Uh, I feel terrible.

Oh, my gosh, you think he's okay?

[helicopter whirring]

"Everybody in L.A. show struggles to find Flea."

These morons. They can't even find Flea.

[bottle clatters]

[whirring]

Are these from you?

How old are you?

You smell like booze, you bag of bolts!

Get out of here!

[whirring]

[dramatic music playing]

[helicopter whirring]

[truck horn honks]

[people laughs]

[man laughs]

-[Saymo whirring] -[angry driver] Fuck you!

You got nacho cheese in your circuits?

-Oversized thermos on training wheels. -Did your motherboard hook up with Atari?

-[car horn honks] -[whirring]

[lively music plays]

[whirring]

[old man] They can't even find Flea.

Morons.

[Saymo whirring]

[lively music continuous to play]

[staff laughs]

-[John] This is... -[staff] Yeah, yeah.

-[John] Are we live now? Are we? -[audience cheers and applauds]

[John] Why is...?

[Flea] Saymo, you found me.

[John] Holy shit. Saymo found Flea, ladies and gentlemen.

[audience cheers and applauds]

-[John] Saymo found Flea. -[Flea singing]

[John] They were at the Denny's across the street.

[audience laughs]

We got this, Saymo, come on!

[John] Yes, and now they're moving at two-to-three miles an hour.

This is live right now on Sunset and Gower.

Saymo, crossing the street. Flea, way ahead of him.

I got your back, buddy.

-[John] Oh, man, they are... -That asshole kicked you off the show.

-[John] Are we gonna follow them? -How dare he?

How dare he? Pablo, our good friend Pablo.

-[John] They got a golf cart, thank God. -[Flea] Come on.

-[audience laughs] -[John] We're putting Saymo onto a cart.

[audience cheers and applauds]

-[John] Oh, my God. -[Flea] How's it going?

[John] This is incredible. Pablo Goldstein, our researcher,

in a chauffeur outfit, driving now. Hopefully driving soon.

-Please start driving. -[audience laughs]

[John] Driving. This is a golf cart on Sunset Boulevard.

Uh, my panel, I didn't see this coming.

Did anyone here think Saymo would find Flea? George.

I said Denny's... We were backstage. We're going Denny's. 24 hours, fun.

Right across the street. Couldn't be too far.

Because I thought about Mel's down on Sunset, but this is closer.

-[indistinct chatter] -[John and audience laugh]

See what I say, here? I be thinking.

[John] You be thinking.

So wait, open 24 hours and fun, your first thought was Denny's?

[audience laughs]

It wasn't my first thought, but, you know, this is business.

So I thought, like I said... I thought first Mel's, but close.

It would have to be close for the Saymo... Whoever went to look for it.

But those kids, they're probably in Santa Monica by now. The other two.

[John] Oh, yeah. No, those two are long gone.

And if they're listening, you lost, you didn't find...

-[audience laughs] -You couldn't have found Flea less.

-[George mumbles] -And Saymo found Flea.

-People are joining this motorcade. -[Flea] Yeah, we got this!

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls.

We got this, Saymo.

They are on the lot.

They are on our lot here at Sunset and Gower.

-Well-wishers are coming. -[audience laughs and applauds]

This is exactly like the Bronco chase. Same stakes.

-[audience laughs] -The feed is cutting out.

They're approaching Stage 15, which is where we are.

Uh, where... Who's the Boss? was filmed in this very studio.

-[Nikki] No way. -Uh, Mike Birbiglia, thoughts.

[Mike and audience laugh]

[Mike] I did not see this coming by a long shot.

-Hannah Gadsby? -I've disassociated.

[audience laughs]

[John] Nikki Glaser, you come on a show, you don't know who's gonna find Flea.

Yeah, it's amazing. I love Saymo.

I've been a big fan for a while, since Monday.

-[John] Yeah. -[Nikki] He delivered me a $47 salad.

[John] Here they are.

-[audience cheers and applauds] -[John] They are approaching stage...

-They are approaching our stage. -[cheers]

[John] They are pulling up to the studio. Now let's hear it for them.

He's slowly getting lifted off of the cart, lifelessly,

but filled with life.

The man, Flea, a bassist, a trumpet player, a musician.

[audience cheers and applauds]

[Flea] Come on, ladies and gentlemen. Come on, Saymo.

[John] They're making their way around the side of the stage.

-[John] I can hear them coming. -[Flea] Come on, Saymo.

-Come on, Saymo. That's right. -[audience cheers and applauds]

-Saymo, you see? How dare you? -[John] It's Flea!

How dare you?

Shame on you for besmirching the good name of Saymo!

This is a man of integrity and character, and how dare you?

-John, how are you? I have a speech. -Flea... [laughs]

-Can I make a speech? -You wanna make a speech?

I got a speech. I gotta say a speech.

-Flea, make a speech. -Just look...

I just want everybody to know I was never lost.

-I was at Denny's. -[audience cheers and applauds]

Is the name of this show...? Is the name of this show What is L.A.?

Sorry? No, that's not the title.

Oh, whether it is or not, I'll tell you what L.A. is.

-L.A. is Denny's, motherfucker. -[audience cheers and applauds]

Denny's is a magical place. It is a sanctuary in this town.

It is a microcosm of L.A.

It transcends all cultural and ethnic and economic boundaries.

It's a beautiful place. You can find everybody in Denny's.

I was just there.

There are all these beautiful Latino kids just coming from their prom,

coming from a quinceañera.

It's a great place. Well, you could go there at midnight.

People bring their babies there at midnight.

-[audience laughs] -You might say, you might just go:

"Well, they better take that baby home." You don't know what they're doing,

why they're there. They might be locked out of their apartment.

-I know I'm locked out of mine. -[audience laughs]

But what I really wanna say is...

God bless Denny's.

God bless all those street musicians out there.

Put some money in their hat.

-And God bless this beautiful, filthy... -[audience cheers and applauds]

...glorious, sprawling city of Los Angeles.

-[audience cheers and applauds] -Thank you so much, Flea.

-We're glad you're here. -Thank you.

-Flea, ladies and gentlemen. -[audience cheers and applauds]

Thank you, Saymo.

Thank you, Flea.

I wanna thank our contestants for whatever...

You know, they didn't do much, but... Bring the limos back to the studio.

Especially the two-tone one.

Ladies and gentlemen, uh, we now would like to close our show out

with a musician who all of us in Los Angeles,

and all of us around the world,

but especially all of us in Los Angeles know and love,

and are thrilled is here.

Ladies and gentlemen, the one and only Beck.

[audience cheers and applauds]

["Loser" by Beck playing]

L.A.!

Los Angeles!

♪ In the time of chimpanzees I was a monkey ♪

♪ Butane in my veins And I'm out to cut the junkie ♪

♪ With the plastic eyeball Spray-paint the vegetables ♪

♪ Dog food stalls With the beefcake pantyhose ♪

♪ Kill the headlights And put it in neutral ♪

♪ Stock car flamin' With a loser and the cruise control ♪

♪ Baby's in Reno with the Vitamin D ♪

♪ A couple of couches Sleep on the love-seat ♪

♪ Someone came, sayin' I'm insane to complain ♪

♪ Shotgun wedding And a stain on my shirt ♪

♪ Don't believe Everything that you breathe ♪

♪ You get a parking violation And a maggot on your sleeve ♪

♪ Shave your face With some mace in the dark ♪

♪ Savin' all your food stamps And burnin' down the trailer park ♪

♪ Yo ♪

♪ Cut it ♪

♪ Soy un perdedor ♪

♪ I'm a loser baby So why don't you kill me? ♪

♪ Soy un perdedor ♪

♪ I'm a loser baby So why don't you kill me? ♪

♪ Forces of evil in a bozo nightmare ♪

♪ Ban all the music With a phony gas chamber ♪

♪ One's on the weasel And the other's on the flag ♪

♪ One's on the pole Shove the other up the flag ♪

♪ With the rerun shows And the cocaine nose job ♪

♪ All the crap of the folksinger slob ♪

♪ He hung himself with a guitar string ♪

♪ A slab of turkey-neck And it's hanging from a pigeon wing ♪

♪ You can't write if you can't relate ♪

♪ Trade the cash for the beef For the body for the hate ♪

♪ My time is a piece of wax Falling on a termite ♪

♪ Soy un perdedor ♪

♪ I'm a loser baby So why don't you kill me? ♪

♪ Get crazy with the Cheez Whiz ♪

♪ Soy un perdedor ♪

♪ I'm a loser baby So why don't you kill me? ♪

Come on, break it down.

Come on, Los Angeles.

[speaking in Spanish]

[sings in Spanish]

I wanna say, what's up?

Yeah!

I want you all to sing this with me as loud as you can, all right?

I know it's cold in the studio audience.

I want all the L.A. people from Boyle Heights to Brentwood,

from Frogtown to Van Nuys to give it up and sing it with me.

♪ Soy un perdedor ♪

♪ I'm a loser baby So why don't you kill me? ♪

[Beck] Oh, yeah!

♪ Soy un perdedor ♪

Sing it!

♪ I'm a loser baby So why don't you kill me? ♪

[Beck] L.A.!

♪ Soy un perdedor ♪

♪ I'm a loser baby So why don't you kill me? ♪

♪ Crazy with the Cheez Whiz ♪

Sing it one more time as loud as you want.

I wanna hear it all the way up to Sunset Boulevard.

♪ I'm a loser baby So why don't you kill me? ♪

-[man] Yeah! -Oh, yeah!

-[audience cheers and applauds] -[indistinct chatter]

-[audience cheers and applauds] -[indistinct chatter]

Beck, ladies and gentlemen.

[audience cheers and applauds]

What an amazing end to an amazing show.

Thank you, Hannah Gadsby, George Wallace, Nikki Glaser, Dr. Emily Lindsey,

Mike Birbiglia, John Carpenter, Flea, of course Richard Kind,

and the incredible Beck.

Thank you to all of you.

Thank you to Brook Linder who shot so many of the, uh, amazing things

you saw around Los Angeles this week.

This has been a real honor

to come into your homes live from the City of Angels.

A special L.A. goodbye to Mr. Sam Rubin.

Thank you to everyone who helped create this show. Bye-bye.

[audience cheers and applauds]

["To Live and Die in L.A." playing]