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[guitar strumming]

[Bob] Ladies and gentlemen,
Bob Saget.

[cheers and applause]

Thank you, Brooklyn.
Thank you.

Look at you!

All excited, all hipsters,
all smart.

-[man] Whoo!
-All drugged.

It's nice to see y'all.

Stoned people in the audience.
That happens.

How many people
are stoned right now?

-[cheers]
-[laughs]

Are you like dealers?
What is this?

-How many people are drunk?
-[cheers]

I prefer stoned people
to drunk people

because when the heckle
comes out of a stoned person,

when you ask them what
they said, they can't recall.

It's like some
DVR thing happened.

I am really happy to be here.

I'm honored you guys
all came to this thing.

It's a beautiful space,
but enough about my penis.

Um--sorry, I started
with a penis joke.

I apologize.

I don't wanna talk about
my dick too much

because I don't want
to give him a big head.

Now, see, let me tell you
where that comes from.

I'm on a plane,
and I write down a joke

to make people laugh because
the world is so screwed up

and it's--
I can't watch the news.

It's upsetting me.
I'd rather just talk about

everything below my belt
and everything's just fine.

People just laugh,
but if I'm on a plane

and I'm writing, "I don't
wanna give my dick a big head,"

and there's a guy next to me,
but he's not looking at my face

and he looks at the table
and he sees "dick, big head,"

he's scared.
He's fucking scared

of what's next to him
and then he sees it's me

and then he doesn't know
what to make of it

'cause he only knows
that I was a dad on a show.

And that fucking show
won't go away.

[laughter]

It was Full House,
now it's Fuller House.

One day it's gonna be
Fullest House

and it's just gonna be
me in an urn on the window.

It's amazing
and it's an honor.

I'll get the big elephant
out of the room.

Not gonna talk about that show
the whole time,

but it's the number one show
in the world.

-Um, I don't know--
-[cheering]

I don't know if that's true,
I'm just making it up.

But I knew it was popular
years ago 'cause John Stamos--

by the way,
I have never had sex with him...

where he orgasmed.
I tried so hard.

Please, Uncle Jessie,
please finish, please.

And back in the day
when he had the mullet,

it was just easy,
I could just ride him anywhere,

you know?
Oh, whatever.

Like you didn't think
it happened.

Um...
[laughs]

That's a really nice way
to start.

But we knew we were popular.
He and I one time--

He and I or he and me?
What do you say?

-[man] He and I.
-[all] I.

Who gives a shit?
Grammar's bullshit.

So Stamos and I were on
Main Street in Disneyland

and Winnie the Pooh
was standing next to us.

TheWinnie the Pooh
and he's right there

and he's like angry.
He's like--He's all mad.

He's all Winnie'd out
and, uh--

and John and I are there
and little kids are coming over

and they're just getting
our autographs

and they're ignoring
Winnie the Pooh.

And I knew it.
I said, "John, look,

-we're bigger than Pooh."
-[laughter]

That's a bigger laugh than that.

-[laughter]
-That's okay.

I respect you people
'cause you're smart

and you're--You are
and you know you are

that's what I like about you.
You're arrogant, little fuckers.

And I appreciate that
'cause I'm arrogant.

No, I'm not.
I'm a really good person.

But I don't want
to offend people.

I was doing a show--You know,
'cause there's a duality,

I do many different things.
I love entertaining families.

-That sounds so creepy.
-[laughter]

I do kid parties.
I love entertaining children.

But I really do love
making people laugh

'cause they need it
really bad right now,

so I just
been hitting stand-up hard

'cause it just feels so good
to make people feel good.

And you can hear the laughter,
it comes out in the sound

of queefing
or whatever the hell, uh,

I don't think
that's any points

on Words With Friends
by the way.

I've tried.

It's a big word,
but you say big words

in Brooklyn,
that's what happens here.

Gotta talk smart
'cause you're all hipsters.

I know what's going on here.

I've played here before
and I had a good time.

Got nine people pregnant,
that's why I came back.

Just wanna--Just make some
support payments

and that's the story
of how I met your mother.

-[laughter, cheers, applause]
-See, I know.

It's weird 'cause it's like
a pop culture thing

to be in this Big Bird suit
that I'm in,

so people yell out
"Full House!"

They'll yell that out
and some of you will yell out,

"Entourage!"
No matter where I go,

everywhere you look
there's a hand to hold on to.

Um, but that's--
That's a creepy song.

That's stranger danger,
but, um...

but some people
get disappointed.

Like one young lady
was sitting in the audience

at a show a few weeks ago--
this really happened

and it was a few weeks ago,
and she said,

"Oh, my God, I wanted you
to be Danny Tanner.

Why aren't you acting
like Danny Tanner?"

And I'm like,
"What do you want me to do?

Dust bust?
Like hug people?

Have a cardigan sweater,
do the reach around?"

I don't know.
Another girl said,

"You're not dirty enough."
So I pissed on her and--

-[laughter]
-And she liked it.

And the VHS tape is climbing
up the charts in Russia.

It's doing really, really well.

Like a bullet.

But I've had so many
relationships--

-I'm 60 now! I turned 60! Me!
-[cheering]

You're either cheering 'cause
you think I'm gonna die soon,

or--or I'm a DILF.
That could be the other option.

I'll go with "B,"
but, uh,

I mean, I don't even know
what sex is anymore.

I'm so confused.

You know,
first base used to be what?

A handshake or what?
Or a kiss.

What was first base?
What is it?

-[all] A kiss.
-A kiss, no.

'Cause I'm 60,
it was a handshake.

What I believe first base
now is,

it's anal sex
in front of a jet engine.

That's what I think it is.

And then you end,
fifth base is a handshake.

"Thank you so much.
That anal sex

in front of a jet engine
was awesome. Thank you."

And I got a woman now.
I got a woman.

-I'm dating a woman.
-[cheers]

-That's right. She's a grownup.
-[man] Yeah, Bob!

-You shut up.
-[laughter]

That's called
great audience work.

Don't do that.

Don't just tell people
to shut up.

You had something to say,
you have a right to say it.

-What were you saying?
-[man] Whoo!

That's what you said?
He's stoned

'cause he went, "Hey, Bob"
the first time

and then when I said,
"What did you say?"

He couldn't remember
'cause he's stoned.

So he heckled back with "Whoo"
'cause he's in the backwoods.

He lives in the woods.
I can see you from here.

-You got a pretty mouth.
-[laughter]

What's your name, bro?
You can talk to me.

I was on the video show.
Talk to me.

-Jake.
-Jake, that's a cool name.

-[Jake] Thank you.
-All right, take care.

[laughter]

I mean, what else
do I wanna know about him?

He's stoned, he's here,
he's in the back.

But I got a woman now.
I've had--

I've been divorced 20 years,
I have a great ex-wife,

she's a great mama, baby mama,
and she's a good person,

can't say anything
mean about her

unless you have an extra
40 minutes, and--

That's a joke.
She's actually wonderful.

and that's nice
when you can be friends.

Anybody divorced here?

No, because you're 12

and that's why I like it 'cause
it makes me feel like

I'm doing something dirty.

No, I don't wanna be dirty.
I wanna be pure.

[laughter]

I do.
I wanna make people feel good.

I wanna feel 'em around,
put my pinky in their butt.

You know, if somebody's choking,

you give them
the Heimlich maneuver, right?

Anybody know how to do
the Heimlich maneuver?

-[scattered cheers]
-See, it's important to know.

I don't know that.
I came up with

the hiney lick maneuver.

If somebody's choking,
I put my tongue in their butt

and they throw up everything.

And then I throw up,
everybody throws up

and we're all healthy.

It's purging.

But, you know, you go out,
you wanna make people laugh,

and that's, like,
the most important thing

is not to feel the pain
of our lives right now.

And that's what my dad
imparted upon me

and he never touched me
and, um...

and we lost him,
but we found him.

-He was behind the shed.
-[laughter]

I learned about everything late,

so I learned about the
facts of life when I was nine.

Do you guys know
how babies are born?

I don't want to do
a spoiler alert for anybody.

Uh, anybody learn about
how babies are born

before nine years old?

Good. Good.
You had appropriate parents.

This is what happened to me.
I was nine years old,

I was sitting in front of
my house in Norfolk, Virginia,

-I got my sister there--
-[cheers]

Are you from Norfolk?
No, you ain't.

-[indistinct shouting]
-We don't drink, we don't smoke,

Norfolk, right?
You would know that.

-[laughter]
-It's a Navy town.

That's cool
that you're from there.

Jake, is that you?
Are you from Norfolk?

-It's my roommate.
-I don't care.

-[laughter]
-Your roommate's from Norfolk?

-[man] Yeah.
-Is your roommate in the Navy?

-No.
-Ah.

[laughter]

I'm a master of crowd work.

[cheers and applause]

They call it crowd work.
It's like--

Or I'll tell, like,
a stupid joke

and then somebody will go,
"ba-dum-bump."

I'm like, "You know what?
Fuck you.

You didn't try to do a joke."

I'm just trying
to make people laugh.

They're stupid.
They were always stupid.

My dad made me stupid.
So, here's how it happened.

So I'm sitting front of my house
in Norfolk, Virginia,

I got my sister there,
next to her is my cousin Brenda,

she was ten, I was nine.

She's still a year older
than me, really cool.

And, um, she's sitting there
in a tennis skirt

with no underwear on
and I'm like looking.

I'm just looking.
I'm nine, I'm interested.

I'm looking in, I'm like,
"What is that? A coin bank?

What the hell is that?
Do you put a quarter in that

and it's like the little 'copter
in front of the market?

It moves around?
I don't know."

And my sister said,
"Brenda, close your legs.

Bobby, stop looking in there."

I said, "No,
I wanna see what's in there."

And my sister goes, "Mom!"
And then my mom

runs outta the house
all panicked

like something terrible's
happened.

And she goes, "What happened?"
And my sister tells her.

"Bob was looking inside
and looking at the...

unit on the cousin."

And my mother calls me
in the house

And then closes me in the room
and locks the vault, you know--

it's like crazy,
it's got combination,

and she's like, "Bobby,
I'm gonna tell you

how babies are born, okay?

The man puts his penis
in the woman's vagina."

And I said, "How does he get it
through the pajamas?"

[laughter]

I said that.

-And I was wearing a onesie.
-[laughter]

It was sad.

And then I told that
on The Tonight Show.

She's like,
"Why'd you tell that?

That's personal information!
And stop telling people I wear

a Viking helmet
and tit plates and culottes.

It's embarrassing."

I said, "People laugh, Ma."

Worst thing I ever did
to my mom, um,

-that I can talk about, was...
-[laughter]

I was on The Tonight Show,
I had taken my parents

-to Israel and I had my mom--
-[man] Whoo!

Thank you very much.
Whoo-hoo!

One fan of Israel,
the rest...

we're being profiled
and we're in danger.

But my mom,
I took a picture of her

on a camel and I showed it
on The Tonight Show

and said, "This is the biggest
and hairiest thing

my mother has ever had
between her legs...

-[laughter]
-"Why did you say that, Bobby?"

"Well, it's true, Ma,
look at Dad,

he's got, like, a pin dick.

I mean, what do you
want me to do?"

So, once I found out
about the facts of life,

my dad was like thinking
he had a 16 year old,

but I was nine.

So he was telling me jokes
he should not have told me.

-And here's a couple of them.
-[laughter]

Nine years old, my dad
just told me like dick jokes

and I'm like, "Why?"
And what happened was,

we'd just had a lot of people
pass away

and, uh, that's not even funny,
'cause they did,

and so to get out of it,
we did gallows humor.

So my dad would just tell me
dirty shit

to make me feel better
and he was wrong.

-[laughter]
-He made a mistake

'cause I was nine.

I didn't know nothing at all

and now I'm all grown up
and I'm on Twitter

and people send me dick pics

and then I block 'em,
so I'm a cock blocker.

[laughter]

Let us pray.

So my dad tells me a joke,
my dad says,

"A man is accused
of having sex with a sheep."

And I'm like, "I don't know
what he's talking about."

I just found out what sex is,

"What's the guy making
a centaur?

A Minotaur?
What's he making?

You can't have sex
with a sheep."

And so, "The guy's accused,
then there's a trial,

and the judge says,
'We have a witness!'

His 20-year-old son
that's gonna prove beyond

a shadow of a doubt he did not
have sex with a sheep.

And they bring the kid up
and they say,

'What's your name?'
And the guy goes, 'Maaax.'"

And that's the joke.
It's an old joke.

So I didn't laugh,
I didn't get it,

I didn't know
what he was talking about.

I kinda laughed at the sound
of the goat,

'cause I liked Pinocchio,
and--

"You're gonna be
a real boy! Hee-haw!"

And then, 20 years later,
a friend tells me the joke

and I literally laughed
for ten minutes

'cause it was like,
"Oh, my God!

That's what it meant?
That is fucked up."

What was wrong with my dad?

And then he told me another one,
similarly inappropriate.

Uh, if you know it,
don't worry about it

'cause people know it.

Tarzan meets Jane
for the first time and says,

"Me Tarzan, what name?"
She says, "Jane."

He says, "What whole name?"
She says, "Vagina."

[laughter]

What hole name.

What is your hole's name.

30 years it took me
to understand that joke.

I had no fucking clue.

So, this to me,
I'm comfortable here.

This is where
I'm the most comfortable.

This is like being in
a living room with you people.

I get to talk to ya,
I get to know about ya.

I know most of you
are in rehab.

I'm wishing you the best.

But, I mean, I get--
[laughs]

If I'm dirty here, if I say
anything that offends anybody,

basically, I'm not like that
in my real life.

So what I'm telling you

is I'm the only television
father left that you can trust.

-That's what I'm telling you.
-[laughter and applause]

I don't wear a cardigan sweater
and have a pill dispenser

and go, "Hey, hey, hey."
I'm not doing that.

[laughter]

-"Want a puddin' pop?"
-[cheers and applause]

Now Bill Cosby--I don't know
if you heard about it

with all that's going on.

I mean, with all the politics,
that's like a relief.

He was one of my idols.
That guy was one of my icons.

And when you watch
an icon fall--

I mean, I used to love his work,
and it's just strange.

And he now claims
that he is legally blind

so that he cannot identify
women who are saying

that he molested them sexually.

But if you say that,
isn't that like saying

that if you weren't blind,
that you could identify

the women that are accusing you?

If I was blind,
I could definitely identify

women that I had
sexually molested.

I'd be like, "Oh,
that's not her, Your Honor.

Nope, definitely not her.

[sniffs]
That's her.

That's...I know her.

That's Kathy.

Oh, she's got a fever."

You have to write, like,
Sharpie pen numbers

on there, but if Bill Cosby
was reading Sharpie pen numbers,

it would mean he could see them
which means he's notblind.

I rest my case.
Thank you very much.

[laughter and applause]

No.

That didn't deserve that,
but thank you.

But you just--you just want
things to be okay.

Especially if you have children.
I have three beautiful children.

They're all old now.
They're 85, 72--

I got them walkers with
little tennis balls on 'em

so they don't skid.

As I said,
I've been divorced for 20 years.

I've had five girlfriends
in that amount of time.

I was in love with one girl
for 25 years

-and she's 30 now, so...
-[laughter]

I went to prison.
Prison's fucking great.

You never know
when you're gonna get nailed.

It's awesome.
Your butt's a fondue pot.

It's just fantastic.
It's just--

It's not bad to be raped
if you know the right people.

Hey, I apologize,
I don't want to offend

any rapists that might
be here tonight.

[laughter]

That's an upsetting word
to laugh at.

But, actually,
I did meet a woman

and I had five girlfriends,
I had to put 'em all down.

-Um...
-[laughter]

And I would take
like two years off.

I would lose my mojo.
I don't know what happened.

I just--I would concentrate
on work and stuff and be a dad.

And I said to a friend of mine,
"I don't know what to do.

I think I lost my mojo."

He said, "Bob, you gotta get
back up on the horse."

And I said,
"I want a woman, bro."

I do have
a wonderful girlfriend now.

She's a woman.
She's, uh--

Well,
in L. A. Hollywood bullshit,

it's--legally
it's supposed to be,

you know,
half your age plus seven

is appropriate for an older man
to date a younger woman,

but I was--I was doing
the plus seven,

but I wasn't doing
the half your age,

so I went to prison again
and, man, they went at me.

I had to duct tape
my butthole shut.

I didn't haveto,
I just liked it.

But this wonderful woman...
[laughs]

that I've met--I'm laughing
alone, I don't give a fuck.

[laughter]

This wonderful woman I met,
she's 37, she's a grown up,

and I wanted to buy her
a nice gift,

and I said, "Hey, I got
a choice for you here,

I can buy you a beautiful
chest of drawers,

or for the same price
I can get a vasectomy,

what do you think?"
And--

maybe they don't seem
to weigh out the same,

and she said, "Let's just get
the chest of drawers, Bob."

And I said, "Okay."
So I bought her this beautiful

chest of drawers
and then I slammed my dick in it

-1,500 times.
-[laughter]

You know, just so we both
get something out of it.

[laughter]

A friend of mine, my age,
married a woman,

uh, half his age plus seven--
he did it correctly,

and he just had a baby
and she was pregnant,

and I said, "May I--
May I feel the baby kick?"

And she said, "Yes, Bob,
but could you do it

externally this time?
'Cause I'm very touchy feely."

[audience groaning and laughing]

Anybody got a baby?
Anybody got a new baby?

You're too young an audience
to have a baby?

[laughter]

Does your seed not work?

Is this just
a "day-after pill" crowd?

-[women cheering]
-You just leave here--

Women are cheering
the "day-after pill."

-[women cheering]
-Du--

Ladies, it is not just something
you do.

"I had sex with a guy,
I'm not sure about him,

I think he's on meth
from Moscow,

I'm taking a 'day-after'."
Don't do that.

Unless I sell it to you
and it's got my brand.

That's my merch.
I sell "day-after pills."

[laughter]

How many people are in love?
Applaud if you're in love.

[scattered cheers and applause]

That's nice.
The enthusiasm is deafening.

-[laughter]
-[flatly] We're in love.

We're zombies in love.

Love's important.
I mean, that's why I--

I mean, I have been through
a lot of shit

as a stand-up
and you don't always get love.

Especially if you're
a beginning stand-up.

For ten years, um,
I was pretty lonely,

I had a girlfriend,
and then I didn't,

and then I was working
the shittiest gigs--

'cause that's how you become
a comedian,

so for ten years I was working
in really weird places.

I worked in a strip club
once in Anchorage

and, uh, Jay Leno
recommended it, he's like,

[as Jay]
Hey, you gotta go--

[normal]
That's my Jay Leno impression.

[as Jay]
Hey, you gotta go to--

[normal]
I'm a great impressionist.

[as Jay]
You gotta go to this strip club,

they pay cash.
Seinfeld's doing it.

[normal] I'm like,
"Okay, I'll go. What the hell?

I got no life."
And so this is what happened.

There's a stripper on stage

and I don't remember
much about it, but she's there.

She's got little
Easy Bake Oven pie pans

over her nether regions--
which I believe

is near Finland,
I'm not sure,

and she's got
Scotch taped matches

over these areas
and she lights the matches

on fire and then she does
a little dance

in her cocaine stupor,
and then she just

blows herself out
and then she goes,

[flatly] "And now the comedy
of Bob Saget."

[laughter]

It's like, "Fucking get me high
and shoot me."

I did another hell gig.
This one's worse.

It gets worse.
I was in Cleveland...

-[man] Yeah!
-[man] Boo!

-Really?
-[laughter]

-Are you really from Cleveland?
-[man] Yeah.

Oh, wow.
What's your name?

-[Sanu] Sanu.
-Where--What is it?

-[Sanu] Sanu.
-Sanyo?

-[Sanu] Yes.
-I'm sorry you have to leave.

-You have to--
-[laughter]

That's like a Don Rickles thing.
I just stole from my dad.

We just lost Don Rickles,
by the way.

-Give him a round of applause.
-[cheers and applause]

Anytime I talk to the audience
and I give them a hard time,

-especially--and you're Sanyo?
-Sanu.

-S-A-N-Y-O?
-S-A-N-U.

No, I'm sorry,
it's spelled S-A-N-Y-O.

For the purposes
of this fucking special,

I'm changing
the spelling of your name.

I can't make fun of your name,
my last name is Saget.

-I can't make fun of you.
-[laughter]

But it's Sanyo, that's the rig--
it's pronounced--

-[stammers, gibberish]
-[laughter]

[in French accent] That is
the proper pronunciation?

Huh-huh-huh.

Pepé Le Pew,
you are so beautiful.

I was talking about Don Rickles.
I loved him so much.

Um, and we just--
We lost him too soon.

He was funny as hell.
He wasn't mean.

He would talk to an audience.
He taught me

that you talk to an audience
you give people a hard time,

but then you do
something nice to them.

Like, you're laughing,
you're not offended yet.

You will be, but, um--
when I bring you up here

and strip you naked
you're not gonna like it.

And I hit your bare buttocks

with a cat o' nine tails.

I'm not gonna do that.
I don't wanna see his buttocks.

-I wanna see his back. Um--
-[laughter]

What?

But Don, I directed
in the movie Dirty Work

which is Norm Macdonald,
Artie Lange movie.

[cheers and applause]

Where the fuck were you guys
opening weekend?

[laughter]

And Don, I wasn't that close
with back then,

when we did that movie and I
hadn't seen him for like a year

and I was in a restaurant--
To give you an idea

how funny this man was,

I was in a restaurant
and Don comes over to me,

we're standing in the
restaurant,

there's people all around,

he grabs me by the head,
like my head's a little coconut,

and he just whispers in my ear--
nobody else can hear it,

[as Don]
"I don't miss you at all."

[laughter]

Like six weeks before
we lost him, I called him--

I had gotten very close
with him, he's like a dad to me,

and I said,
"How you doing, Don?"

He says, "What do I have to do
to get you out of my life?"

Apparently,
he went too far with it, but...

but, Sanyo,
you made me think of him

'cause I attacked you
for your name,

but I--you know,
my name got made fun of.

My last name's Saget which
rhymes with stuff, you know?

I didn't grow up and say, "Hey,
that's gonna be my stage name."

In junior high they called me
"Saget the Faggot."

-[scattered laughter]
-Don't laugh.

[laughter]

And you know what I did
to stop 'em?

I sucked their dicks.
That's what I did.

-[cheers and applause]
-I sucked all their dicks.

I must've sucked
500 dicks that year.

-I got out of gym.
-[laughter]

I got a lot outta Jim,
he was my coach.

[laughter]

One of the weirdest things
I ever did was

being in Cleveland
where Sanyo's from.

Uh, how long did you live
in Cleveland?

-[Sanu] Just like four years.
-Four years.

-You were just hiding out?
-[laughter]

That's a good place to hide out.
Nobody wants to go there.

Okay, I'm 24 years old--
everything bad happened at 24

doing stand-up.
I'm playing a place.

uh, the Cleveland Comedy Club--
this is not gonna go well

'cause this is a filmed special
so people are gonna...

hear about this.
It doesn't exist anymore.

It's now the parking lot
of a stadium,

but before it was a comedy club,
literally months before,

it was a chicken
slaughtering house.

So it's like,
"Remove the dead chickens,

bring in the comics,"
you know?

And so there I was,
and, um, at that time

Ludes were popular.
Anybody ever taken a Lude?

No, 'cause they don't--
You're going "yeah"?

They don't make 'em.
What, did you find one?

You dig up an old memory box
or something?

Your dad's little time capsule?

-What's your name, sir?
-Cy.

-Cy?
-[Cy] Yeah, I know.

What the fuck's
going on in here?

Nice to meet you, Cy,
you make me wanna go...

-[sighs]
-[laughter]

-So you took a Lude?
-Once.

Once?
Did you like it?

-Yes.
-You did?!

I'm against it.
I'm telling you people

as a dad,
if you're gonna buy drugs,

-get 'em from me.
-[laughter]

No, because Ludes--
it's like Locked-in syndrome.

You don't know where you are.
It's like Wolf of Wall Street.

It's Jonah Hill
and Leo DiCaprio and it's like,

[slo-mo sound]
It's all slow motion.

Like one minute
seems like twenty, you know?

It's like sex with me.
It's unbelievable.

-When I'm alone.
-[laughter]

So this is a true story.

So the club owner at the club
in Cleveland

gives me two Ludes
and I put 'em in my pocket

and he says,
"Put 'em in your pocket,

'cause this waitress likes you

and you can give one to her

and then she'll just
be unconscious

and you can do
whatever you want."

And I'm like,
"I'm not like that, dude,

that's for the future."

I don't do that.
I'm just not like that at all.

And he says, "Trust me."
And I had to stay--

not in a hotel, stayed
in the comedy club owner's house

upstairs in a little, tiny room
that had a rat in it.

Anybody ever had a rat
in their house?

-[woman] Yeah!
-It's the worst, right?

-And what is your name, dear?
-Amelia.

Amelia?
You had a rat in your house?

I've had so many rats
in so many houses!

I've had so many rats!

I'm having rat fuck
karma right now.

-[laughter]
-I'm having rat trap fever.

So...

-tell me the story, Amelia.
-My roommate was from Minnesota.

-This is gonna be
too long a story.

[laughter and applause]

I'm right here for ya.
I'm right here for ya.

It's just you and me
and all of the people.

Anyway, end of the story,
is the rat gone?

No, I woke up the other night,
I walked...

-[laughter]
-...a rat on the pavement!

-Are you on a Lude?
-[laughter]

So let me tell you
what happened.

I'm staying at this
shitty, little place,

I had to stay upstairs
in the room with the rat.

I go upstairs and then
this girl comes upstairs.

And this is a true story
and it makes me feel bad

and if she's watching this,
I apologize deeply

from the bottom of my scrot
to the back of your throat,

-but the thing is--
-[laughter]

I thought
I wasn't gonna be blue.

I'm working so hard.
I really am.

I'm going to classes.
So--[chuckles]

What happened was,
I'm upstairs, she comes up,

and I don't wanna talk
misogynistically

or chauvinistically
about a lady and her looks--

which is a terrible thing to do,
but this--this girl--

Let me tell you
what she looked like.

Remember Danny DeVito
in that first Batmanmovie?

Where he bit the head
off a fish?

She had squid ink
coming out of her mouth.

She looked like that
and, so, she comes upstairs,

and she's like sitting on the
bed, and I'm just laying there.

I got two Ludes in my pocket
and she's like,

[deep voice] "Hi, Bob."

[normal] And she's like
breathing on me

like mackerel and anchovies.
It was like a Caesar salad

with no lettuce or croutons,
you know?

It was just...not--not good.

And then, [deep voice]
"I wanna have sex with you."

[normal] As she was saying it,
like, smoke's coming out.

And I said, "No, I can't do it."
And she wouldn't stop.

You know what I did?
I took a Lude.

-I roofied myself.
-[laughter]

That's the kind of man I am.

And then she left
'cause I was unconscious.

And then an hour later,
she comes back,

and--this is really offensive,
so I apologize.

This is gross.
Her breath at this point,

smelled like a Slim Jim
dipped in shit

and she's like, [deep voice]
"Bob, come on, let's--"

[normal]
And I just went like, "No."

I took the second Lude.
I put myself down.

-[laughter]
-I wanted to be out.

I didn't wanna remember nothing.

And I woke up in the morning,
and I don't know,

I was--my butthole was burning.

I think she stuck like
a four-hour Duraflame log

up there
just to get back at me.

[laughs]

But you do standup
and it's a really nice thing

to do 'cause
you get to make people laugh

and--and we really need
to laugh right now

'cause there's so much
crazy shit going on.

And when--even at that time,
when I was starting out,

I knew that there was like a
light at the end of the tunnel.

And I got to meet
a lot of comedians.

I became friends
with Rodney Dangerfield

who was someone that helped
my career.

-[cheers and applause]
-And see, you know him,

'cause he's funny as shit,
and, um,

when I met him he had just
come out of a spa

and he was trying
to clean up a little bit

'cause he had some--some habits.

He was proud of them.
He loved pot.

[as Rodney] I'll tell everybody
about pot, man.

I'll smoke it
the rest of my life.

[normal] I was actually
in a hospital room with him

the night before he had
a surgical procedure

and he was smoking pot and
I said, "Rod, you gotta stop,

it's kinda dangerous right now."
He said...

[as Rodney]
"What are you talking about,

man, I don't care."
[normal] I said, "No,

there's an oxygen tank
next to you, Rodney.

-We're all gonna die."
-[laughter]

So Rodney,
when I first meet him,

I'm in a comedy club
in San Diego and he comes in.

I don't know him and he goes,
[as Rodney] "Man, I don't know

how I'm doing it,
I'm supposed to be in a spa

and I'm doing no coke,
no booze, no pot, no pills."

[normal] And I'm like,
"This guy's fascinating."

And then he says, [as Rodney]
"I've seen you on TV, man.

You're funny, man.
You got a Jew head.

You know what that means?
You're fucked.

You're fucked.
You can't stop thinking,

you're doing jokes all day long,
you're fucked."

[normal] And I'm like,
"I got a new friend!

He gets me."

And so I knew him
my whole career

and, uh, I actually
officiated his funeral.

And...
I had a pretty good set.

[laughs]

And he had two beautiful kids,
still does,

and, uh, and his, uh,
his widow gave me a lovely gift.

And this is a true story.

Um, she gave me a box
that said, "RD" on it

and I open it up and there's
a pot pipe in there.

That's his pot pipe
and I didn't use it

'cause I just, you know,
I knew maybe one day

I would give it to,
uh, Saint-Tropez

-and, um...
-[laughter]

Sanyo. Exactly.

I don't know why you couldn't
remember your own name.

And then I looked further
into this little box--

this is a true story,
you're not gonna believe it,

there's a bottle of Viagra
and it says,

"Rodney Dangerfield,
Viagra."

That's a $2 million eBay item
right there.

And there was one pill in it
that was ten years old.

People, don't take
a ten-year-old Viagra.

I'm telling you right now.

Has anybody ever taken
Viagra here?

-[man] Yeah.
-[laughter]

Someone said yes on television.

Most people would never
say a word

because if they're with someone
that they have sex with

and they go,
"Yes, I take Viagra."

They go, "What the fuck?

I thought those were
real erections."

"No, honey, I use
a pipe cleaner and duct tape

to make it dogleg left.

Sir, you have taken Viagra?
Where are you?

Raise your hand, sir.
Raise your penis.

Um, and what is your name, sir?
If you say "Sanyo,"

I'm gonna shoot you
in the fucking face.

-What is your name?
-Jack.

-Jack? That makes sense.
-Yeah.

-Uh, why--
-[laughter]

Jack, um, what was the occasion
for the Viagra?

Was it a special occasion?
Was it a birthday?

-I just can't last.
-You can't last?

This is amazing.
We're on television.

-This is fucking awesome.
-[laughter]

Jack, you're sitting here

like a jury in the OJ trial
right now.

You're telling
a room full of people...

that you just can't last.

That's just--and you got a
little Jake "Gelenhal"

in you, you got it going.

Is that how you say his name?
"Gelenhal"?

[laughter]

-"Geelenhal"? Is it "Geelenhal"?
-[overlapping voices]

Don't matter,
he can't get a hard on.

Who gives a fuck
what Jake's name is?

You're a good looking guy,
you can't last?

You take 'em right, though.
You take 'em orally,

don't put them in the pee hole
because--

I call it a "pee hole"
by the way,

it's gonna be in my TED Talk,
I know it's called

a urethra,
but she's my favorite singer

-and she's retiring, so...
-[laughter]

Well, here's a story
that happened to me.

I had never taken
a Viagra before

and so I had a bottle that said
"Rodney Dangerfield, Viagra"

with a ten-year-old pill in it,

and I was
in between relationships,

and I was in a bar--

this happened about
eight years ago I guess,

and this girl says to me,
"Come on,

let's go to your house.
Let's hang."

And that's what, you know,
a millennial says

to an older man,
"Let's hang."

All he does is hang.
He can't get it up.

[laughter]

What are you gonna do?

I feel so bad for you
right now.

I feel worse for your wiener.

His wiener.

TED Talk.
So I don't know what to do.

We're in the den,
we're hanging out

and I needed to do something

'cause little Bob
wasn't feeling it.

He looked at me like,
like Shemp Howard

from the Three Stooges.
He was just going,

"Memememememememememememememe."
He was making noise.

You don't need to know
the reference or nothing,

just know that's the sound
my dick made.

So I run upstairs

and I open a drawer and I find

the Rodney Dangerfield
ten year old Viagra,

and like a moron, I took it.

Don't do shit like that.

I go downstairs,
an hour goes by,

I don't get an erection,
but my eyes started

to bulge out of my head
and I started to talk like,

[as Rodney] "I got no dick.
No dick at all.

I'm gonna put a bag over my dick
in case your bag breaks."

[normal] So nothing happened
and, uh--

but I--years went by
and now that I'm 60,

I went, "You know,
I should have a supply.

I think."
I mean, you're supposed to

when you're older
if you wanna perform

-and I love performing.
-[laughter]

So I actually went
to my doctor--

I went to a few doctors,
I got my prostate checked

first of all, that's what
happens when you get older.

Anybody ever had
their prostate checked?

-No, because you're 12.
-[laughter]

I had it checked.
Is it a bad prostate exam doctor

if while he's giving it to you,
both of his hands

are on your shoulders?
Is that a bad doctor?

And you're looking in the mirror
and he's like winking at you

and saying, "Call me."

I went to a doctor and I said,
"What's up?"

And he said,
"Hey, take down your pants,

I want to look at your penis."

And I said,
"You're my eye doctor."

I went to a real doctor
and I said,

"I think I want Viagra."
And he said,

"Bob,
let me tell you something,

the problem's not
between your legs,

it's between your ears."
And it's true,

'cause his testicles
were in my mouth.

-And--
-[laughter]

-Is that in poor taste?
-[laughter]

I actually keep my testicles
in Tupperware in the freezer

and I burp them
every now and then.

You burp Tupperware.
I put my little balls

on my--on my shoulder
and I burp 'em at night.

My balls burp
and I put 'em back.

-This is just for me.
-[laughter]

And then I put 'em back
in the freezer,

and I freeze my balls.

Freeze my balls off.

Boy, you guys got weird weather.

I don't know if you heard
there's climate change

and, uh--I'll get back to that
other story,

don't you worry none.

But it's weird
because it's so cold.

I was playing Winnipeg,
I was doing standup there,

and it was like -20
and I'm gonna--this is gross

as opposed to anything else
I've said,

but I-I--It's gonna be personal,
but I'm sorry,

I'm in a safe space
with a bunch of cameras.

And I said I had a hemorrhoid

-and, uh, it was--
-[woman laughs]

Thanks for laughing at that.
Thanks.

And it was so cold
it broke off

and rolled down my leg
like an Ocean Spray cranberry.

-[audience groans]
-And then, a little fucking

rabid little Canadian Winnipeg
squirrel came up

and just picked it up
and started eating it

like a fucking apple
and he looked at me

like "Fuck you, I'm eating
your frozen fucking hemorrhoid,

you stupid asshole."

Fucking rabid squirrel.

[scattered laughter and groans]

[laughter]

I shouldn't have told
that story.

So, anyway...

So I go to get a prescription
of Viagra filled--

this is a totally true story.
It happened in my neighborhood

so you know it's the truth.
And I go into the drug store

and that's all I went in there
to pick up,

but then I see a little bottle
of travel hairspray

and I bought that 'cause I like
to look nice for the people.

I put the--
for the people.

So I put the travel hairspray
right on the pharmacy counter

and then I said, "I'd like
my prescription, please."

And she puts the Viagra
on the counter

and then--she was cool about it,
she didn't yell it out

like you see in comedy movies
that rip off Woody Allen.

And she said to me,
"Okay, with the copay,

your prescription is $1,200."

$1,200 for Viagra?

And I went, "No!"

-[laughter]
-I had righteous indignation.

"No! No! I'm just
gonna use the hairspray.

Thank you very much."

I didn't realize that came out
weird or what she thought,

but she's like staring at me
creeped the fuck out.

She's thinking
that what I'm saying is

that instead of Viagra,

I'm just gonna take
travel hairspray

and just do it up.
Just...

Just frickin' get that thing
all just--

gleam the cube.

Just shellac that fucker.

Just get a lathe

Just get a Build-A-Bear hat,
put it on the end of it

for lent.

And so I-I didn't get it
and I just, uh--

and now I met somebody
that I don't wanna talk about

'cause I would never
talk about my problems,

-like you, in public.
-[laughter]

I talked about a lot of stuff
about death and dying a lot

in this book I wrote--
New York TimesBest Seller,

but, uh, you probably
didn't read it.

Uh, it's called Dirty Daddy
and, uh,

-there's an audio--
-[woman] Whoo!

Really? A person read it.
Thank you.

Brooklyn's so smart.
One person read it.

Um, it's a seven-hour
audio book,

so if you don't want
to roofie somebody,

just play it,
they'll fall asleep right away.

My voice.
That'd be awesome.

But it's interesting,
I, um,

I had to investigate
about book writing

and learning and reading
and--[laughs]

And I, uh, was gonna go
on The Viewto co-host The View.

They wanted me
to interview an author.

And I wanna tell you something,
every single one of you

one day will co-host The View.

That's just how the world works.

One day Jake will be
on the fucking View.

-[cheering]
-They'll be sitting there,

and they'll say,
"What do you do, Jake?"

And he'll go, "Whoo!"
"Where you from?"

"I don't know, my friend's
from Norfolk, Virginia."

[laughter]

So I had to go on The View.

So they wanted me
to interview an author.

Guess who they pick?
E.L. James.

Fifty Shades of Grey.

That's who
they had me interview.

-That was a mistake.
-[laughter]

You guys like the book
Fifty Shades of Grey?

-[woman] Yeah! Yes!
-[scattered cheers and groans]

-Pretty not much.
-[laughter]

Well, I had to read it.

And I was on the plane,
I had to read it overnight

'cause I was on the show
the next day.

so I had to cram it.
So cramming's difficult.

I had to lube it up,
very painful.

I crammed it
is what I'm saying.

So I'm on the plane
and I'm reading

Fifty Shades of Grey,
I had the soft cover

and as I held it,
it became the hardback

-and--
-[laughter]

I've got the book with
the whole Christian Grey tie.

The whole thing.
Professional book.

Ed Asner gets on the plane.
Ed Asner.

Mary Tyler Moore's boss
Lou Grant.

If you don't know him
'cause you're so millennialish,

-he was the old man in Up.
-[woman] Aw.

-[laughter]
-Ohh, we like him.

He's kind of a curmudgeon
and I had directed him once

in a snuff film
and he was great, um...

No, it wasn't a snuff film,
'cause we didn't have

the budget for tractors,
but, um--they're expensive.

Actually,
it was a Lifetime movie

which is the opposite of snuff.
We put people together.

And, so,
Ed Asner gets on the plane

and I know the man for real
and, uh--

"Okay, Bob, we get it.
Who cares?"

So he comes on the plane,
he sees me reading this book.

He goes,
[as Ed] "How you doing, Bob?"

[normal] Then he sees
the book and he goes,

[as Ed] "What the fuck
you reading that shit for?

That's bullshit. That's
what's wrong with the world.

Fucking dirty shit."

[normal] I said, "No, Ed,
I'm on The Viewtomorrow,

I'm interviewing E.L. James."
[as Ed] "I don't give a shit.

Fuck that shit.
Good to see you, Bob."

[normal] Then he sits down
in front of me,

he just fell asleep
and I didn't care.

I loved him.
I gave him a--

a tit massage as he
was laying there.

They brought his sandwich,
I threw it back into coach.

He didn't know
what was going on.

They fought over it back there.

It was like Mad Max.
I've never been to coach,

but I hear it's crazy
back there.

So the next day
I'm on The View.

I'm sitting there with
the ladies and I actually

said this,
and they didn't bleep it,

I said, "I couldn't put
your book down,

-it was stuck to my hand."
-[laughter]

Yeah, they laughed at that
'cause they're dirty.

So people tell me jokes
all the time

which is, like, a nice thing.

It's nice if they're good jokes

and it's an exchange program.

Uh...
Russell Crowe came over to me.

-You like Russell Crowe?
-[scattered applause]

Yeah, I like him.
I like name dropping a lot.

I'm a real show biz asshole,
um...

But I really like Russell Crowe
and he's really cool.

He came over,
he had numbers and letters

floating around his head.
He's got a beautiful mind.

And he comes over and he goes,
[as Russell] "Hello, Bob Saget.

I'm Russell Crowe."

[normal] And I said,
"I-I know."

[as Russell] "I have
a joke for you, Bob Saget."

[normal] I said,
"You--You can call me Bob."

He said, [as Russell]
"Okay, Bob Saget."

Here's the joke: What did
the man say to his doctor

and the man had five penises
when his doctor asked him

how his shorts fit him?"
[normal] And I knew the joke

'cause I'd heard it
in junior high,

so I said,
"That they fit like a glove"?

-And he got pissed.
-[laughter]

He said, [as Russell]
"You gave away the punch line.

You weren't supposed to give
away the punch line, Bob Saget."

[normal] Then he ripped off
his suit and he had

a gladiator spangled outfit on

and he took out a scythe
then he gutted me

and he yelled, "Freedom!"

-Sorry, wrong guy.
-[laughter]

This is just, uh, this is nice

'cause, you know, it's been
a rough couple years for me

to be honest with you.

We buried my mom
a couple years ago--

she's alive,
but we buried her and put--

put in a funnel, poured Red Bull
and Boost in there.

Um...

That's what I learned
from my dad.

Just make a joke
at the worst time,

it'll get ya out of it.
And I did lose my mom

and it's a little bit
of a downer,

but I'll just tell you
the truth of it

and how we dealt with it.
Um, she was 89

and she got really cool
at the end of her life.

I actually wanted her to live
another ten years

'cause I could finally
tolerate her.

It was so cool.
And she was really adorable.

This is gonna get a little
weird, it's gonna be

a little like Psycho
with the Anthony Perkins,

uh, you know, impression,
'cause I--when I--

I can't help but do her voice
when I talk about her.

And her name was Dolly
and so this is, uh,

three years ago
she started to get sick.

And she said, [as Dolly]
"Bobby, I'm at peace with this.

I'm okay.
It's my time."

[normal] She was so cool
She was like Yoda.

I mean, a lot like Yoda.
She was green,

she was about that tall.
She was talking backwards.

[as Dolly]
"Eat the salmon, you must.

-It's for the company."
-[laughter]

[normal] I'm sitting there
with her and she's like,

[as Dolly] "I want you
to know something, Bobby.

I'm gonna come back
and I'm gonna give you a sign."

[normal] And I said,
"Mom, please don't do that."

I said, "I'm scared of ghosts.
You know I am.

Please don't do--"
[as Dolly] "I'm gonna do it,

Bobby, I'm gonna come back!
And you'll know it's me!"

[normal] I said, "Mom,
you're getting agitated."

[as Dolly] "No, I'm not!
I'm going to come back

as a--as a--"
[normal] And she looks around

the room and there's a bar
of Dove soap

sitting on the nightstand
and she says,

[as Dolly]
"I'm gonna come back as a dove."

[normal]
And I'm like, "Oh, fuck,

she's doing death improv."
I'm like, "Mom, don't do that."

[as Dolly] "You're gonna see
a dove and you'll know it's me!

It'll be a dove!
It'll be me!"

[normal] And now
I am scared to death of doves.

I don't wanna go to a wedding,
I don't wanna see a magician.

I'm afraid
I'm gonna be on vacation,

the shutters are gonna open,
there's gonna be a dove there.

And just to drive
the point home,

it's gonna have a bar
of Dove soap in it's mouth.

It's gonna drop the soap,
which tightens up my butthole,

and then it's gonna go,
[as Dolly] "Hello, Bobby!"

[normal]
[laughs] Fucking dove.

And I'm gonna go,
"Mom, I said no!"

Next thing you know
she's in my car.

[as Dolly]
"Make a left.

I gotta go to CVS."
[normal] Nothing's changed.

[as Dolly] I gotta buy moleskin
for those areas

that rub me raw.
[normal] It's like "Oh, my God,

what the fuck happened to me?"

I'm in purgatory
and Scuttle is my mother.

Scuttle, Little Mermaidbird,
right? Scuttle?

[cheers and applause]

-You like Little Mermaid?
-[cheers]

You realize she was 16
in that movie?

-[woman] Yeah!
-Yeah!

-[laughter]
-You're a dirty, dirty girl.

And then at the end,
she's 17 when she gets her legs.

Oh, sorry, spoiler alert,
but...

That Eric,
he's--he just went--

went and robbed the cradle.
I like Belle.

Belle was my favorite
Disney character.

-Do you like Belle?
-[cheers]

See, that's good.
Who else were your favorite

-Disney heroines?
-[woman] Jasmine!

Jasmine's not allowed
in the country.

-I'm sorry, she's--
-[laughter]

I didn't do it.

Who else?
Who else did you like?

-[shouting]
-Mulan--Mulan's at the airport.

-She can't get in.
-[laughter]

We're waiting for her papers.
Pocahontas is not legal.

She doesn't have paperwork.
She's not American.

-[man] Esméralda!
-You know who Bill Cosby's

favorite heroine is?
It's Sleeping Beauty.

-That's the...
-[audience groans, applause]

-joke that fits right there.
-[applause]

You are such a nice audience.

I did not expect you to be
such a nice audience.

I thought there'd be
some assholes in here,

-but there just aren't.
-[man shouts indistinctly]

-Jake.
-[laughter]

Hey, Jake,
wanna do me a favor?

Jake, uh, why don't you--
why don't you come up here?

Come on up here.
Just go around the side.

-[cheers and applause]
-[Bob] Follow this guy

and I'm gonna get a stool.
I'm gonna get a stool.

I can't believe I'm holding
my stool in front of you.

That's right,
I did a stool joke.

I wanna put Jake right here.
Is Jake coming up?

Wow, you're exactly
as I pictured you.

[laughter]

Hey, "tanks" for coming up.

It must be really hot outside.
It's a pleasure to meet you.

I don't wanna
give you difficult--

And I like this, just in case
really late tonight

-you need them.
-[Jake] [inaudible]

Yeah, so I can.
So I can.

Why don't you sit there
on this, uh, thing

that's been cleaned.
You're not as I expected you,

but you look like
you could be related to me.

You look like
you could be my kid.

-Sure. Sure.
-And--And you--

-[laughter]
-This is not what I expected.

And you--where--
where are you from originally?

-Dallas.
-Ah.

And when did you come here
to Brooklyn?

-Three years ago.
-And do you love it here?

-Mm-hmm, I do.
-That's good.

You're not trashing Dallas,
are you?

-No, not at all.
-Don't do that 'cause that state

-can secede whenever it wants.
-[laughter]

You know, sometimes I'll talk
to somebody in the audience

and they'll yell stuff out
like you were,

and then it makes me feel,
you know, like I wanna

parent them, like I wanna
teach 'em something, you know?

because all the time
when I was on that family show,

that's still on
'cause it's never going away...

[cheers and applause]

...I would talk
to my daughters,

and when I had stuff
to talk to my daughters about,

I would sit 'em down
and as I would talk to them

it was like a morality play.
All of a sudden, like,

synthesizer music would come in.

I can almost hear it now.

Like you're--Like you're
one of my daughters.

-[gentle music]
-Like you're Michelle or D.J.,

-or Steph...
-[laughter]

There it is.

And that's background music
that helps you teach

something to somebody.

Now, do you have
a career you like?

-Do you have a job you like?
-I'm an actor.

-[all exclaim]
-[laughter and applause]

Are you acting like now--

right now like you're wearing
clothing this evening?

-I am.
-Well, I wish you the best

with acting 'cause,
as you know, most people have

a huge success rate in it.

Um, and I don't wanna
make fun of ya,

I wanna talk to ya just about
a couple of things here.

Um, what would you say
is the craziest thing

that you've ever done
in your life?

Being on stage
with Bob Saget.

[cheers and applause]

So you are in the moment,
my friend.

What's the craziest thing
you did as a kid?

'Cause I was, like, crazy.
I was like a dry-humper.

I didn't mean to say that
right into your face

and look at you, that's creepy.
Creeped me out, creeped you out,

creeped everybody out.

You ever do that
when you were young?

Did you ever do the dry-humping?

-I did.
-Shame on--

Shame on you!
On television telling everybody.

How old were you
when you started?

-14.
-You finished--

-You finished yesterday.
-[laughter]

You know, that's dangerous.
Now, this music,

it's like a
public service announcement

for you right now.
Like, I would go on

with a commercial during
Dancing With the Stars,

Hi, this is Bob Saget with
a public service announcement.

Don't dry-hump.

And let me tell you why--
and you didn't know this.

-14 years old you say?
-Mm-hmm.

You can wear the skin
off your wiener.

-That's a truthful thing.
-[laughter]

And if that--
That's right.

Someone's really laughing
heartily at that.

Which makes them strange.

But if you wear the skin
off your wiener,

if you look up "skinless wiener"
and you Google it,

it just shows the thing on
the grill that's falling apart.

And let me tell you
something else,

you ever spent time
out in the woods?

-You can tell me, Jake.
-I have.

I feel like I know you
so much right now.

You spent time
alone in the woods?

[laughs]
No.

So people watched
what you did in the woods?

-Yes.
-You're a bad boy.

Let me tell you
what never to do

and if people are watching this
and you got like

a 14, 15 year old
kid at home,

you tell them
not to do stuff in the woods.

Not to dry-hump
'cause you could go up to a tree

and you see a knothole in a tree
and you're all by yourself,

that's a knothole,
that's not a hole!

You kids at home,
that's not a hole.

You don't put your wiener
in that hole

because you don't know
what could happen.

Now stay with me on this
'cause I'm not quitting.

-[laughter]
-If you got a hole in a tree,

and the tree's in the ground...
[laughs]

that's a whole song.
Don't touch me.

-And--
-[laughter]

Your wiener's in the hole.

-You know what can happen?
-I don't.

Grub worms, ticks,
all kinds of bugs.

Ladybugs, can go right
in your little pee hole.

TED Talk.
It can go right in there

-and you can be ruined.
-[stammers]

-[laughter]
-What acting. Oh, my God!

What an actor!
But it's true.

It's true.
You can be ruined.

And if there's sap in the tree,
it'll cauterize

the end of your wiener
and the next thing you know,

one of your balls just swells up
like a cantaloupe

and then you're home
on, like, Yom Kippur

and it pops open and then you--
[laughs]

You're ruined.

That's only if
you're celebrating Yom Kippur.

-[laughter]
-'Cause, you know,

'cause you repented.

So don't do it!

I just scared the living shit
outta you, didn't I?

You actually did.
[laughs]

Well, I can't tell you
how much I wish

success for you in acting,
'cause I don't want to.

-[laughter]
-Is there anything else

you'd like to say to me
at all before--

before I ask you
to get the hell outta here?

-No. No, thank you.
-I wanna thank you and I--

You know what I wish for you
in your future?

Is, uh, is clothing.
I wish clothing for you.

Give him a big
round of applause.

-He's a nice man.
-[applause]

Thank you.
Take care of yourself.

And fucking get dressed
next time you come to a show.

He's got--He bought
his clothes at Baby Gap.

[laughter]

I got to meet
a lot of people here tonight.

Now, I would actually like
to do some music for ya

'cause I got some new songs
I'd like to do.

-[cheers and applause]
-And I like doing 'em.

They make me feel good
and I think people like 'em

and this is, uh--
Thank you very much.

This is the son
of Mumford & Sons

-just handed me this.
-[laughter]

You can leave now.
Um...

[laughs]
He actually acted just now.

-He walked away rejected.
-[laughter]

That's adorable.

♪

You guys are incredibly nice.
Honestly.

I really love being here.
I'm not fucking around.

[cheers and applause]

It's just--
Straighten myself.

♪

This is a song I wrote.
I have a lot of new love songs

and they're all offensive
and, um...

I hope you like it.
This is a new one.

Uh, they're all new.
What the fuck?

And, uh, and here it is.

♪

♪ I recently dated a woman

♪ We went to dinner
And then to a bar ♪

♪ All she wanted to do
Was arm wrestle ♪

♪ She kicked my ass
And lit up a fat cigar ♪

♪ She was so sweet, so kind,
So full of ambition ♪

♪ And as we tapped
Our Champagne glasses ♪

♪ She said, "I have
Something to tell you, ♪

♪ I'm in transition"

[laughter]

♪ She was transitioning

♪ Not a matron nor a mate,
She was transitioning ♪

♪ That put a skid mark
On our date ♪

♪ I didn't judge her

♪ And it would've been rude
To go ♪

♪ Her name was Helen

♪ She said, "Six months ago

♪ It was Joe"

♪

♪ But we had fun,
We talked of love ♪

♪ What life's about

♪ How the thing
She wanted most ♪

♪ Was to turn her penis
Inside out ♪

♪ That's when dessert came

♪ Our date
Was coming to an end ♪

♪ Over the cherries jubilee

♪ We decided we'd be better off
As friends ♪

♪ Funny, she was my type

I mean, anatomically,
almost my type completely.

♪ Common interests,
We had it all ♪

♪ And as she held me hard
Good night ♪

♪ She said she really
Had a ball ♪

Two of 'em
and they were like wiffle balls.

They were firm. They dented me.
I had to ice.

♪ She looked like
Brooklyn Decker ♪

♪ Except she had a pecker

♪ And I always will
Respect her ♪

♪ Invited her
To my next show ♪

♪ And that's the story

♪ Of a girl named Helen

♪ Who six months ago

♪ Was Joe.

[cheers and applause]

True story.

This is a song I wrote
just for tonight.

Yeah, that's right.

I wrote it on a--
Well, it started on a plane.

I was on one of those
small planes.

I was in first, 'cause,
you know, I got no choice

and I had a Bloody Mary
and the flight attendant

seemed kinda cute, and I was
in between relationships

'cause I'm not a cheater
at all

except for the people
that I cheated on,

and--no, I'm not.
Don't cheat, by the way.

Don't cheat. Do anybo--
Does anybody here cheat?

[laughter]

This has turned
into a church revival.

♪

So I wrote this song and I got
a crush on the flight attendant.

I don't know what happened,
I just did.

And I thought
she was really pretty and, um,

I had a Bloody Mary
and then I had another one

and I wrote this song
and I wrote it just for tonight

and you'll know when it begins
that it's just for tonight.

♪

And it's a sing-a-long,
so I need your help.

-So I'll be begging for it.
-[man] Whoo!

♪ I got on board,
was looking forward ♪

♪ To my show
in Brooklyn tonight ♪

-See? Brooklyn. See?
-[cheers]

That's right, show
the enthusiasm for your town.

[cheers and applause]

♪ I sat in first class,
But it smelled like ass ♪

♪ Of the old man to my right

♪ But I forgot about that
Old man stink ♪

♪ When a pretty lady came over
And said, "Hey, Bob, ♪

♪ Would you like a drink?"

♪ Her hair was blonde
And her shoes were pink ♪

♪ The girl who wore the wings

♪ She reached across,
Pulled out my tray ♪

♪ Handed me a warm washcloth

♪ She said, "I always give these
To my man ♪

♪ I like to wipe him off"

♪ She gave me nuts,
They were heated up ♪

♪ She said, "I assume you like
Yours hot?" ♪

♪ That stopped my heart
And I heard a fart ♪

♪ The old man's pants
Were sharted ♪

Everybody sing!
♪ The old man's pants

-[all] ♪ Were sharted
-How'd you learn it that quick?

-You're geniuses.
-[all] ♪ The old man's pants

- ♪ Were sharted
-You sound like angels.

[all] ♪ The old man's pants
Were sharted ♪

♪ The old man's pants
Were sharted ♪

♪ Now it's sad,
first class smelled like ♪

♪ Boiled egg gas

♪ She asked me if I'd like
Some cheese ♪

♪ I said, "No, I'm good

♪ But if you could

♪ Bring him a diaper
And some Febreze" ♪

♪ She got down low
So I could hear ♪

♪ She said "I've seen
stranger things ♪

♪ I knew a captain
Whose pants were crapped in ♪

♪ That's how I earned
These wings ♪

Everybody!

[all] ♪ The old man's pants
Were sharted ♪

Sharted is a combination
of shit and farted.

[all] ♪ The old man's pants
Were sharted ♪

Tell your kids one day.

[all] ♪ The old man's pants
Were sharted ♪

-Oh, it's like a church revival.
-[all] ♪ The old man's pants

- ♪ Were sharted
-Here's the romantic part.

♪ But that man's shart

That's the romantic part.
♪ Was the very start

♪ Of our
Flight attendant fling ♪

♪ His soiled pants
Got me my first dance ♪

♪ With the girl
Who wore the wings ♪

♪ The girl who wore the wings

♪ Has smelled most everything

I mean, think about it,
she's in a jump seat

right next to the crapper.
You never know,

Jake could be sitting in there

eating a Subwaysandwich--
Just blast it

all over the walls.
Sit in there, stink it up

now she smells like Jake's butt
and I'm still attracted to her,

which means what?
I'm attracted to Jake's butt?

-That's fucked up.
-[laughter]

♪ Always had a thing
Give Jake applause.

♪ For the girl
Who wore the wings. ♪

[cheers and applause]

You guys are nice.

Um...
♪

I wanted to write a song
and, I don't know,

I have a friend--
I won't say who it is,

-Ben Folds, and he said--
-[laughter]

He said, "Your voice sounds like
Neil Diamond sometimes."

I said, [as Neil]
"No, it doesn't!"

[normal] And then he said,
"Yes, it do."

And, so, I decided to write
a Neil Diamond song

and I'm hoping
he doesn't sue me,

so--It's not really his tune,

so I'm gonna do it.
So here it is

and I hope you like it
and it's offensive.

It's about a relationship
that didn't work.

It's all just a running theme.

♪

♪ What did I do?

♪ What did I say?

♪ I wanted her back

♪ Not mess it up again

♪ But she had a thing

♪ Hanging out of her nose

♪ And I couldn't just
Leave it there ♪

♪ Hanging by a lonely hair

♪ And so I pulled it

♪ And she never forgot
The pain ♪

♪ I just yanked it

♪ I think it may have
Been part of her brain ♪

♪ After that,
Things just weren't the same ♪

♪ But she went out with me
again ♪

♪ A week later

♪ I took her to dinner,
All she wanted was some soup ♪

♪ I suggested the spicy gumbo

♪ Right there in her chair
She took a poop ♪

♪ That's right,
She pooped her pants ♪

♪ Right there in her seat

♪ She had no other chance

♪ I mean, the bathroom
Was like 50 feet ♪

♪ Thanks to her bad memory

♪ We went out once more

♪ I took her skydiving

♪ She said
She'd never been before ♪

♪ Her 'chute didn't open

♪ But she landed in a lake

♪ And she didn't drown

♪ Thank God
Her boobs were fake ♪

[laughter]

♪ She's like a buoy

♪ Like a buoy

♪ Like a buoy
She was bouncing up and down ♪

♪ I went out to save her

♪ I dried her off
And took her into town ♪

♪ I thought
Things were good for us ♪

♪ All of a sudden
She got hit by a bus ♪

♪ Now I really miss her

♪ You know what?
Now I'm dating her sister ♪

♪ And I can't wait

♪ To kiss her

♪ As soon as she gets rid
Of all of those blisters ♪

♪ That she got
From her mom and dad ♪

♪ 'Cause they live
In the woods ♪

♪ And it gives me wood

♪ And that ain't no good.

[cheers and applause]

Thank you.

Anybody drinking
and driving tonight?

-[scattered cheers]
-[man indistinctly shouts]

-I'm sorry?
-[man] Subway.

Subway?
You're gonna drink and subway.

Well, I hope you have
a good time on that subway.

[laughter]

You people
don't need me anymore.

♪

-[man] We always need you.
-What, bro?

-[man] We always need you, man.
-You always need me?

Then I will always be here
for you.

[cheers and applause]

I love you, too.

You're awesome.
You're just awesome.

You made this
a really fun special.

[audience chanting]
Bobby! Bobby! Bobby!

I've never had an audience
chant "Bobby."

[chanting continues]

-Who's the guy that was the dad?
-[all] Bobby! Bobby!

Who's the guy
that spanks your ass?

-No...
-[laughter]

This song is called
We Gotta Be Kind to Each Other

and it's--That's your chorus.
You're gonna say that,

if you would
'cause it's about trying to just

make people have fun
and have a good time.

And, uh, get through this life
that can be difficult at times.

So I wrote this song.
Kinda wanted to do my own

We Are the World
if you will.

Or--Or Give Peace a Chance,
you know?

Something like that.

So this is it
and I hope you like it.

And enjoy thinking about it
on the subway.

-[laughter]
-Here we go.

♪ I can't watch the news

♪ Yet every night I do

♪ I don't know
What's real or fake ♪

♪ But I know what love is
And hate's a mistake ♪

♪ And I don't wanna
Judge anyone ♪

♪ 'Cause judge is mean

♪ But we gotta be kind
To each other ♪

♪ Whether you're purple,
Pink, or green ♪

♪ Like my penis
That's not true.

I do not have a green penis.
It was one Easter.

I was in between two eggs
and I was just painting it.

That's not true.

I fucked a turtle.
Here's the chorus.

♪ We gotta be kind
To each other ♪

-Go!
-[all] ♪ We gotta be kind

-♪ To each other
-Love you.

♪ We gotta be kind
To each other ♪

[all] ♪ We gotta be kind
To each other ♪

♪ Our kids are hearing lies

♪ And they all need the truth

♪ Everyone's a spy

♪ Even Jake's got Russian
Microfilm hidden in his ♪

♪ Meth-rotted tooth
I don't know.

-Maybe you don't.
-[laughter]

♪ Women deserve equal pay

-♪ For the same job as a man
-[women cheer]

♪ But if she brings a donkey
In the room ♪

♪ I'll throw in an extra
Ten grand ♪

-[laughter]
-I've done it.

It's not good
'cause they're big.

Donkey, you don't wanna
be around that.

It's got like a kneecap
in the middle of it.

♪ We gotta feed our tired,
Our hungry, and our poor ♪

♪ And stay away
From the woman next door ♪

♪ I didn't
And my wiener's still sore ♪

That's how it got green.
That's what it was.

♪ We gotta be kind
To each other ♪

-[Bob] Take it.
-[all] ♪ We gotta be kind

-♪ To each other
-[Bob] Yeah!

[all] ♪ We gotta be kind
To each other ♪

♪ We gotta be kind
To each other ♪

♪ If your Mama is black,
And your Papa is brown ♪

♪ If you're a 40-year-old man
In a white wedding gown ♪

♪ If you're working in porn
As a part-time fluffer ♪

♪ If you live in the woods
And your sister's your mother ♪

[laughter]

♪ We gotta be, got to be,
got to be, got to be ♪

♪ Got to be, got to be,
got to be, got to be ♪

♪ Got to be, got to be,
got to be, got to ♪

-♪ Kind
-[cheers and applause]

♪ To every single
Motherfucking one of us ♪

♪ Except Jake

♪ 'Cause he's a douchebag
like no other ♪

♪ That's not true
'Cause I love you, Jake ♪

♪ Love you so much,
Even more than my own family ♪

♪ I love the way you dress

♪ I love the way
You don't dress ♪

♪ I love all of you

♪ I love Sanyo

♪ I love the guy
That can't make his dick work ♪

♪ I love all of you,
All of you, all of you ♪

♪ All of you except two of you
And that poor fucking loser ♪

♪ That's gotta take the subway

♪ We gotta be, gotta be,
gotta be, gotta be ♪

♪ Kind

♪ To each other

[cheers and applause]

Thank you guys so much!
That was so much fun!

Thank you!
Thank you so fucking much.

Thank you, everybody.

This was so much fun.
Thank you.

I appreciate it.

Sanyo, you're the man.

You're awesome.
Thank you so much, everybody.

[audience chanting]
Bobby! Bobby!

-So much!
-[chanting continues]