Original subtitles

We have to transform those sex bots.

They have to be absolutely convincing.

What if we connect a real Comms Link

to their prop headsets.

That is exactly the sort of idea I should have had,

if I weren't a complete fraud.

♪ (MUSIC PLAYS) ♪

Here's an idea to get people to like you,

cocktail party. You can meet 19 people a week.

Don't people come in couples?

No, widows, widowers, priests, ugly people.

-You're not a couple. -Neither was Zeus.

I'm basically Zeus.

KAREN KELLY: I would suggest everyone laughing,

hitting it off, maybe on the bridge.

This is perfect. Get some Mr. Average

to push that fake button we have for the kids.

Can I join the party? Go!

-(CROWD GASPS) -(BELLOWING)

There's a rupture in the turd shield.

A real captain would be out there.

-You ready to do this? -With every fiber of my being...

No.

One, two. One, two. (CLEARS THROAT)

Hello, I'm Jordan.

Best stand-up comic this side of Mars.

Also, the only stand-up comic this side of Mars,

but don't tell my mum that, she's super impressed.

(MUTTERING) Laugh, laugh, laugh. Uh...

-Two, two. Is this thing on? -Yeah, it's on.

No-- I know. It's a bit.

The "is this on" thing,

to imply that the audience weren't laughing.

Best thing about doing stand-up in space?

Literally no pressure.

-Is this thing on? -Yup.

No, I know it's...

And then I'll plug the beer.

And... when I first took this gig on,

they told me that I needed

enough material to cover the first half of the journey,

so I guess now I need a tight one year and three quarters.

Is that funny?

-Or is that too much maths? -"Math."

-(LOUD BANG) -(METAL CREAKING)

MAN 1: I can't look!

WOMAN 1: God! That's not good.

-MAN 2: It's shit. -It's all shit!

Hey, maybe they heard your set. (LAUGHS)

♪ (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

Captain, you ready to do this?

(ENGLISH ACCENT) I'd always hoped that my last words

might be better than...

"Fuck me, no."

I don't know how to attach the tether.

There should be an instruction panel right in front of you.

-(AMERICAN ACCENT) To attach your safety tether...

-Oh, f... -...simply grasp the narrow end of the clamp

to release the G Catch.

There. That wasn't so hard, was it?

(ENGLISH ACCENT) Well, you fucking try it.

BILLIE MCEVOY: Okay, it's a spacewalk, so...

walk.

So, Captain, what exactly are you looking at?

-The inside of my eyelids. -Ha.

Ah. There appears to be no floor.

Yes, Captain. You-- You really make this look easy.

RAV MULCAIR: Why is he flailing around like that? What--

-No. Look. He's upright now. -Yes.

-Uh, no, just gone back. -(SIGHS)

Where are you going?

I'm gonna do 600 pushups and then throw up in the sink.

Can you get visuals on the wet suit compromise?

"Have visuals"? What's wrong with "see"?

-Or "come back in". -Engineering?

-Present. -Yeah, not you.

Looking at wet suit protocol three now.

Captain Courageous needs to locate

the lateral access valve where it intersects with the...

Intersects with the binary caps

from the lower deck. Did you get that?

All I got from that was, "You're gonna die out here."

BILLIE: Find a big metal wheel and turn it off.

Estimate of her velocity, Captain?

-RYAN CLARK: I might actually sneeze. -He can't hear you because...

-well, you know, he's outside-- -RYAN: What happens then?

-Billie, what's the sneezing protocol in space? -Good point.

Get me in his ear. I'll walk him home.

RYAN: Is there one?

Could you look that up?

-Hola. -Gracias.

Yeah, in other devastating news,

Spike is about to join the auto comms.

(SCOFFS) The icing on the shit.

SPIKE MARTIN: I got you now, buddy.

-Whoa! She's a gusher. -Please don't call it "she."

Why? That thing's powerful. And I respect it.

BILLIE: (SCOFFS) I'm gonna go check on a valve.

Billie?

Okay. Mr. Tambourine Man, you're up.

-Yeah, sure. -RYAN: Billie?

So, we're just splitting forward, uh, protocol three.

It's just a... thing we do.

-MAN: We love you, Spike! -SPIKE: Okay, Captain,

I'm splitting forward protocol three.

It's just-- It's a thing we do. Don't worry.

WOMAN: Make way for the shit shooter.

-Oh God, was that me? -It's a little bit of all of us.

Hey! I got a button on the end of my fist,

do you wanna press it with your face? Button dick!

(WHISPERING) I think she's talking to me.

♪ (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

RYAN: Yeah, so, nobody thought to put this wheel on the inside.

Would that have been easier at all?

(METAL BANGING)

-Oh! Bugger me. -Oh no!

Oh, I can taste last year's breakfast.

Some guys would pay good money to have that done to them.

And girls. Uh, women.

Not me, though. Mm-mm.

BILLIE: Other way, other way.

(GASPS)

Don't worry, Captain. You got this.

(WHISPERS) I've got this. Turn it this way.

(AMERICAN ACCENT) Of course I've got it!

I was born getting it.

(WHISPERS IN ENGLISH ACCENT) I haven't got it. Help me more.

That's it.

♪ (TRIUMPHANT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

-Oh! -Ugh. (SPITS)

(LAUGHING) Yes!

-Yeah! (LAUGHS) -Whoo!

Alan, get me a car to Buffalo!

You're going to the White House?

Oh, yes. Time to do some corporate begging.

-(GASPS) -Yes!

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)

(BILLIE LAUGHS)

HERMAN JUDD: There he is! There he is. I believed in you!

Unlike Iris. She already rented out your cabin.

(AMERICAN ACCENT) That was nothing!

But then, what isn't?

He's so modest, he could almost be British.

Why the fuck did I say that?

(SIGHS) I think that stuff is neurodevelopmental.

I was very, very proud of how

Captain Ryan followed my direction out there.

You were out of depth on the bridge.

Yes, you're much better suited in a secondary position.

-BILLIE: Right, well-- -(JUDD YELLS)

-(COUGHING, GAGGING) -(JUDD YELLING)

Fucking balls.

Burn those suits, they smell like hell!

-I can actually hear that smell. -(GAGGING)

MATT SPENCER: Hey, beautiful.

Tonight at midnight, we reach our furthest point from Earth

and turn around to head back.

I know. Time flies. I don't wanna go home, either.

But I'll see you later at the Halfway Home party.

MAN: Hey, is-- is that true?

Well, it was true when I said it.

Like a marriage vow.

And you just kept this up?

Sure. I mean, we could still have a...

"One Forty-Sixth of the Way Home" Party.

-SPIKE: Yeah, that could work. -Spike gets it.

We brought 200,000 dollars' worth of streamers.

The only other use would be for your funeral.

WOMAN 1: Hey. It's the shit whisperer.

MAN 1: Hey, Benjamin Button!

WOMAN 2: Shit stack walking.

MAN 2: Frankenfuck.

MAN 3: Mr. Crappatoa.

Wow! Couldn't you just stay in this cabin all day?

I mean, I know I could.

And I think you should.

Why?

There's just so much to explore, baby.

We have booze. Right? Who doesn't love booze?

And-- And four books--

five books here! I mean that's just-- right?

All I did was...

And then they...

And the--

Don't ever sit.

Inflate one thousand balloons.

I need to vet your materials for this show this evening.

Oh, wow. So it's true. The show really does go on.

It's in your contract. You'd be doing a show tonight

even if this was a burned-out hulk

full of space junk and dead animals.

So...

Jokes.

Do some.

-Okay, what makes you laugh? -Comedy.

-Obviously. -And sometimes tragedy.

Light tragedy. Erectile dysfunction,

non-fatal hunting accidents,

waving at someone you think you know

but it turns out to be a stranger, that sort of thing.

Now, make it topical.

Mention "it," but don't mention it.

"It"? That's horrible.

Go.

-Okay, I could start with-- -It's not called "sit-down."

I can start with...

"This is some hot shit."

You know it's actually extremely cold in space?

Are you gonna do this the whole way through?

Yes. And I'd say you're a heckler's wet dream right now.

(ENGLISH ACCENT) You see what I did? Did you see--

I put a fucking goldfish bowl on my head,

went out there, and fixed a spaceship.

I know.

I need you to make it clear that it wasn't Frank's fault.

-Who's Frank? -My husband.

Oh! Do you mind if we don't talk about him?

He's-- He's only there to stop his skeleton from falling over.

Christ, I'm coming off my fucking nut.

I feel like I could kill and eat a man.

Oh, God! Just fuck me and don't even give me your name.

Okay! So...

somebody needs some soap for their mouth

and a hot toddy for their mood. Sit.

-(RYAN SIGHS) -Chill.

I just did something, and I don't know what it was.

I don't know what I'm doing.

I don't know how anybody knows what they're doing.

Does anybody know what they're doing?

How does anything work? Does anybody know?

How-- I mean who knows how that door works?

KAREN KELLY: It doesn't work.

Well, I didn't even know how it doesn't work.

And look at this.

I mean, how am I doing that?

I do not know how the fuck I'm doing that.

-Drink this. -Now you--

See, orifices!

They're all over us! Well, that can't be safe, can it?

You know what's ironic?

I just left a man who can't finish his sentence,

and here you are, and you just can't shut the F up.

(PHONE RINGS)

-Hi. -Hi!

I feel a bit trapped.

Well honey, we're all trapped.

The sky is full of S-H-I-T.

Oh, no. There it floats.

Oh, bollocks.

Oh, can everything just fuck off?

Wait, is that-- Was that Captain Ryan?

(STAMMERS) Ah-- Oh! Uh... It-- It was not.

In fact, I will be back soon, tootsie roll, okay?

(PHONE HANGS UP)

♪ (ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYS) ♪

MATT: I'll see you all tonight.

Bring your children.

Unless they have behavioral disorders.

And bring them, too. It's a party!

♪ (PLAYS TWO NOTES) ♪

Hey, I don't wanna get you overexcited,

but this party is going to be an orgy of the gods--

I don't get overexcited.

I'm always the same fucking level of excited.

-Right, Iris? -Yes.

I'll have another shot of water, please.

All right! Let's go yell in some people's faces!

(YELLS)

IRIS KIMURA: I'm so sorry. Please enjoy this Judd voucher

-JUDD: Hey! -I apologize. These are...

-JUDD: You don't need this! -...valid anywhere on the ship.

Take the French fries. Leave the beer.

I'm so sorry. These are valid everywhere on the ship

-except the golf course. -All right...

Oh, really? Can I get one of those?

Oh!

-Hey. -Hey, Billie.

-You look nice. -So do you.

I decided to go for "I just saved the ship" casual.

(LAUGHS) "We" just saved the ship.

-What did I say? -Yeah.

-(APPLAUSE AND CHEERS) -(AMERICAN ACCENT) Oh, hey!

-Come on. Stop that. -Stop.

-Stop it. -Thank you.

-We were just doing our job. -I was just doing my job.

We just did what we had to do.

-I did what I had to do. -Thank you.

Yes. Yes. (LAUGHS) Did you see me out there?

Do you understand, I've not slept a wink since you freaked me out.

I'm writing my jokes on tissue paper.

Who does that these days?

We can delay the start by five minutes.

Are you sure it's safe for me here?

-I'm getting sneering looks. -Oh, honey, relax.

Everybody's here to celebrate Captain Ryan.

Oh my god, he looks amazing in that turtleneck.

Listen, with him wearing that,

I guarantee nobody is thinking about you.

(ENGLISH ACCENT) We make a really great team.

You saving the ship, and me thanking you for that.

(LAUGHS) Yeah. I mean, you know, they were probably

livestreaming the whole thing all over the world.

So right now, I'm probably more famous

than that guy who shat his pants at the Superbowl.

-Daniel Radcliffe? -Yeah.

Those two are an item.

-Those two? No. -Yeah.

-Yeah. -No. Nuh-uh. No.

She's not his type.

I mean, I think he would...

I think he would probably want an older woman,

you know, a woman who's more, like, mature.

The way I see it, like... (STAMMERS)

twenty-five hundred women on board?

At least seven hundred of them,

I would totally want a consensual meeting with.

-Oh, yeah. -Yeah, yeah.

I am gonna get me some informed consent tonight.

Just some sweet, sweet informed consent

from a strong autonomous woman--

Hey guys, did you hear that? I-- I think that was the sound

of seven hundred vaginas snapping shut.

-It's not. -(MIA EXHALES)

Now, if you'll excuse me, I am horny as hell,

so I am gonna go out and get my body slammed.

And it's okay that she said--

-We're-- We're separated. -Oh.

They just haven't found me my own cabin yet.

Oh, we, uh... (CLEARS THROAT)

-We should... -Yeah, we should.

I'll freshen up and see you down there.

That means he has to have a little cry.

I really don't.

-Shots? -You know, I usually don't drink

because it makes me blunt and opinionated.

As opposed to?

Hey, everyone.

Welcome to the Halfway Home party.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Now, in a second, I'm gonna bring out

our comedian for the evening. His name's Jordan Hatwal.

He is... (CHUCKLES) ...extremely nervous.

Okay? But I know you guys are gonna love him.

Right?

-WOMAN: (FLATLY) Yeah. -MAN: Hey.

-(WEAK APPLAUSE) -Okay. Okay.

I think that's probably gonna make him more nervous

'cause it was pretty underwhelming.

Let's try it again, right?

Are you excited for Jordan Hatwal?

(CHEERING)

Okay, okay.

(LAUGHS) Okay. I don't think he can live up to that.

You know, if he was that good,

he'd probably be doing arena shows on Earth.

Um... But...

Now that I've lowered your expectations again,

I think you might be pleasantly surprised

by the competent, workmanlike comedy of Jordan Hatwal.

But before he comes out to win you over

or die horribly,

I want to give a big round of applause

to our heroes, Captain Ryan Clark...

-♪ (FANFARE PLAYS) ♪ -(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)

(WHOOPS)

-...and... -Billie McEvoy!

...former astronaut Spike Martin.

What?

Okay. Jordan, are you ready to go?

Yep.

Listen to him, he's nervous, right?

-AUDIENCE: Yeah! -Yeah! Okay!

Please put your hands together

or silently reserve judgement for Jordan Hatwal.

(WHOOPS AND CHEERS)

JORDAN HATWAL: All right. Hey, how you doin'?

Uh...

I've been asleep for the last 120 hours, what did I miss?

We're stuck up here for three years.

Okay, guys. That was his first joke,

so you can laugh, it's okay to laugh.

Matt, don't-- Don't do that.

I'm just-- I'm just trying to help.

(LAUGHS) Yeah, it's-- it's hard doing, uh,

a Halfway Home gig when, I mean, we're not even halfway--

-Ah! I vetoed that angle. -Uh... okay.

Guys, pretend that we're 21 months into the voyage.

Right? Is-- is that helpful?

-JORDAN: No. -Yes.

(LAUGHS AWKWARDLY) Doesn't-- It's not helpful.

Do you want-- Do you wanna come up here and do the set?

Sure, yeah.

I wasn't actually asking. (LAUGHS)

Oh, you were joking?

Yep, that was a joke.

That's what I'm here to do.

It's like the joke police over here.

Anyway, shoehorns...

-pretty weird, aren't they? -(LAUGHS) Yes!

(NADIA GIGGLING)

MAN: Thank you for your service!

You're real-life heroes!

-NADIA: People loved us. -No, no, no, I'm sorry, no.

I don't get it. I just don't-- I don't get this, this--

I arm-wrestled with space

-and I won, so that was me. -Speaking of arms,

-yours are so firm. -Oh?

How do you find gym time in between saving lives?

(BOTH LAUGH)

(STUTTERS) Well, f-- f-- firm is my middle name.

What's your first name?

-Colin. -Colin Firm.

Yeah, Colin Firm Erbifritz.

Oh, is that Italian?

-No, it's actu-- -Who cares?

-Okay. -Okay.

Oh! Guess who else will be on the prowl tonight?

Captain Ryan Clark, ladies and gentlemen.

He's as horny and as hairy as a tomcat, and I should know,

because back in the day, he put a baby up me.

-Wow! -Wow.

Was your oxygen restricted in your early developmental years?

Oh, you can't wash the shame away, Frank.

Next time leave it to the professionals,

you silly man.

Why can't the Captain be a womanizer?

Or a man-anizer?

He can do what he wants.

I actually don't care at this point.

-Captain Clark is a sex man? -SARAH: He's a dog.

Hey, fuck it. Shall we start a conga?

-(ALL CHEERING) -Let's do a conga.

-Whoo! -Frank, come on.

-NADIA: Allez. -SARAH: Hey, hey, hey.

(SINGING) ♪ He cannot press a button ♪

-Whoo! -♪ Doo doo doo ♪

♪ (SINGING CONTINUES) ♪

MIA: Come on, let's get outta here. Okay!

-SARAH: ♪ He always fucks it up ♪ -NADIA: Fucks it up!

-(MIA GIGGLING) I'm sorry. -JORDAN: Oh, check it out.

-(MIA GIGGLING) -(JORDAN CHUCKLES)

Uh, first person that's laughed in quite some time.

Hey, you wanna come back to my place?

Sure, yeah, I'll take it where I can get it.

-A hole's a hole. -Oh... No, thank you.

I-- I have a flight simulation game

I would love to play with you. Be an honor, sir.

Oh, okay, well, I'll batten down the sexual hatches.

Let's fly some ships.

Uh... So, um... Do you remember the, uh,

the phones that you had to plug in to charge?

Yes, I do.

Yeah, well, they...

They were, um...

Uh... no. No, that one's gone.

Just give it a second.

'Cause this could be good when you think of it.

-IRIS: They had a cord. -They had a cord, yeah.

I don't think that was the punchline, though. Um...

Promote the beer.

(PHONE RINGS)

-RYAN: Hey! -You can probably tell from our expressions that, uh...

-we need to talk face-to-face. -Oh, no, no, no. You're talking. You should-- no.

'Cause I called you, so you should really wait.

-Anyway, doesn't matter. -Ryan, we have to tell you something.

-I know, it was impressive-- -Now, it's not bad.

(STAMMERS) Wait-- What-- What do you mean, "bad"?

We love you, but...

we didn't sign up for three and a half years, and...

-with that crazy spacewalk... -RYAN: Ah, yes.

-CRIS: ...we can't-- -You're looking at a hero, basically.

-We can't take the stress. -The wh-- what?

You lose the plot, you lose your slot.

"Slot"? This is a marriage, not a fucking squash court.

We're getting trivorced.

Two-thirds majority. Motion carried.

-What about our vows? "Hand in hand in hand"? -CRIS: No, sorry.

And then I downed it in one and I threw up on...

uh, on her dress, and...

That was the end of...

end of prom and, um...

that's the first time I had a drink.

Uh, but it was a Judd Light,

and Judd Light is available throughout the ship.

Um, it's, a-- a liquid party.

I'm right in here. (GIGGLES)

-What are you doing? -(MUMBLES)

-What? -Just going in my room.

-Why are you here? -It's my room.

If you're trying to trick us into a foursome,

there's no tricking needed.

This isn't a foursome, it's a twosome.

-I'm easy. -You guys stay here.

MIA: Why'd you bring the peat bog man?

DOUG: We're going on my flight simulator.

MIA: Well, you need to vacate the room

because I'll be making love everywhere.

Hey, yeah, we could-- we could go to yours.

-Can I keep that as a backup? -Oh, sure, yeah.

Give 'em a minute, see what pans out.

MIA: Colin Firm, get in here!

What?

Sorry, Doug, the viewing gallery is closed.

Come on. Let's just do it quickly.

-MADS: No... -MIA: No, no, no.

-Just do it quickly, before he-- -Do it!

-MIA: Who cares about him? -MADS: No no, I--

-Do it! Do it! -MIA: You want it, you want it.

Don't be a pussy, Colin!

(STAMMERS) I'm sorry-- I wasn't trained for this, I'm sorry.

This reminds me of my last days

on the International Space Station.

That was a scene!

I ruined it for her.

(VOICE BREAKING) So I won.

(SOBS)

So, my last relationship didn't end well.

Uh, but-- Well, in some ways you could say it did.

'Cause my girlfriend fell down a well.

Gravity, what a downer.

JUDD: No, no, no, no. Uh-uh. No. No.

Hey, it's Mr. Judd, everyone.

No, hold your applause.

Four people died because of that gravity fail.

Don't joke about stuff like that.

Maybe that's why your girlfriend jumped down that well,

'cause of those kind of jokes.

JORDAN: She didn't, she just left me--

I was gonna say a few words later,

but now that "Uhhh"

sucked all the good energy out of the room and just...

flushed it out into space like... (SPLUTTERS)

I'm just gonna read it now.

"As you know, this was meant to be the halfway point,

but we're not halfway.

And yet, in so many ways,

we're more... (SNIFFLES) ...than halfway."

-Iris, who wrote this? -I did.

And is it like this all the way through,

or does it get any better?

Well, that was the best part, and you kind of threw it away.

Fuck!

All right.

"Because we've come a long way,

and I'm proud of you

and of me,

and I'm inspired by you and me."

(EXHALES LOUDLY) I'm just gonna skip to the end.

-Yep. -JUDD: All right.

"We can do this! We're nearly there!

We're not, but we are!"

(SCATTERED APPLAUSE)

Ever been to Buffalo before?

-(RAV'S PHONE RINGS) -It's changed a lot

since they moved the White House there.

-For a start-- -RAV: Shut up.

Alan, this better not be bad news. I--

What the fuck is that?

ALAN LEWIS: I'm afraid some of the, uh, residual matter

hasn't escaped the ship's gravitational pull.

Okay. Well...

It's a ring of shit.

-ALAN: Mm. -A ring of shit?

Could you just--? Back to the book.

On the upside, you can't see the coffins anymore.

Oh, no. There's one.

Get ready to pretend we're ten minutes to halfway there.

Mmm!

Could I get another one of those?

-WAITRESS: Sure. -BILLIE: Um...

Billie, don't ever, ever show anyone your feelings.

All right? Just bury them as deep as you can.

Scrunch them up into a little tiny ball

and then just... (GROWLS)

Grow a couple of ulcers if you wanna mark the spot,

but otherwise, just smile, pretend everything's fine.

-You're not a happy drunk. -I'm not a happy anything.

-MAN: You the man! -(AMERICAN ACCENT) Hi, there. Hey.

JUDD: Is it-- Why is the shit still outside there?

(YELLS) Iris!

It's getting thicker.

IRIS: We're-- We're working on it.

All right, that's Mr. Judd, everybody. Give it up.

-(FAINT APPLAUSE) -(TAPS MICROPHONE)

-SOUND TECH: Yeah, it's on. -I know it's on--

MAN: You're gonna have to compensate us for this.

This is your fault.

I mean, it's Frank's fault.

He hit the big brown button.

-MAN: Yeah. -You mean, shit the button.

See, that's comedy, man.

That right there is comedy, word play.

(CHUCKLES) I love it.

Hey, Frank, what if I came and took a shit

outside of your room?

(CHUCKLING) The shit is already outside my room.

Okay. Then I'll come take a shit

-inside your room. -(AUDIENCE JEERING)

I'll pay for the cleanup, so you can do it again tomorrow.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

We should shit Frank out the airlock.

You hurt him without my consent and involvement

and I will harm you deeply.

(CHANTING) Shit. Him. Out.

-(AUDIENCE JOINS CHANT) -WOMAN: Shit him out! Yeah.

-Shit him out! (LAUGHS) -Shit him out!

Shit him out!

JORDAN: Guys, come on, calm down.

-Whoo! Shit him out! -Shit him out!

Hey, who remembers the last Oscars? That was a real shitshow, wasn't it?

They gave an award to a sparrow.

(ENGLISH ACCENT) Do you have...

Do you have a whistle you can blow to keep him under control?

-Shit him out! -IRIS: When he gets like this,

it's best to just let him wear himself out.

-Security! Shit him the shit... -FRANK KELLY: All right, all right, I understand you're--

...out of the airlock and into the shit!

KAREN: You need to shut the F up

before I knock you the F-- Frank!

-Frank! -Shit him out!

-Frank! Frank! -Shit him out! Shit him out!

Frank! Frank!

Hey! Put him down, he's mine!

No! Stop murdering someone!

Frank!

(CLAMORING AND CHANTING)

Do something!

Well, I guess things are looking up for-- Oh, thank fuck.

(CHEERING AND WHISTLING)

-(MICROPHONE SQUEALS) -(CROWD SILENCES)

(AMERICAN ACCENT) Calm... and I cannot stress this enough...

(YELLS) the fuck down!

Mr. Judd did not mean shit anybody out.

He was making a joke.

(SCOFFS) Yeah. Yeah.

You guys don't understand comedy.

I do.

What I did back there, that was comedy. Idiots.

Uh... right, and the comedy was, may I say,

exquisitely performed, unlike this guy, who...

I assume was abused by a punchline when he was a kid.

(CROWD LAUGHS)

-Oh, come on! -RYAN: Taking his revenge--

Do you mind? Please!

Okay, security, can we-- can we bring Frank back down?

Right? Let's bring-- Let's bring Frank back down.

-(MUTTERING) Oh, thank God. -MAN: Whoo!

RYAN: Thank you.

And can we, uh, render him vertical?

There we go.

Okay. Now, do you know what's gonna get us out of this?

A big rocket?

Uh, no.

That-- Well, yes, that would be...

Okay, there's two ways we can get out of this.

Captain Ryan saved you, okay?

So you just owe him a big handshake.

-Go on. Go ahead. -RYAN: Teamwork.

We together as a team. All right?

Like the Egyptians building the pyramids.

We can be like... bricks

in one of those Mexican palaces

with the steps up the side, we climb the steps--

-(FRANK GRUNTS) -(MICROPHONE SQUEALS)

-Frank! -MAN: Whoa.

(YELLS) You stay away from my wife, you jackal!

Or you will have me and my wife to deal with!

Got it? Captain Turtleneck?

-Frank! -Honey--

-That was wrong. -Honey--

Hot, but wrong.

-We're ten seconds from Halfway Home. -JORDAN: So, uh...

-It's funny, isn't it? You call them "elevators." -MATT: Ten. Nine...

-Uh, but they just don't elevate they also... lower. -MATT: Eight. Seven. Six. Seven.

And zero!

-(CHEERING) -♪ (PARTY MUSIC STARTS) ♪

We're halfway home!

Let's party so loud, they hear us back on Earth.

MAN: Who threw that? You are dead man.

All right, or woman, let's not be sexist.

But actually, no, it was-- it was a man.

-It was him there. -(GRUNTS)

Not him. Him!

-This is all on you. -What?

You had one job.

I expect. I'm not sure exactly what you do.

I saved everybody, so I think the words you're looking for

are "thank you, Billie"

and "I'm sorry I've got a rod up my metal ass."

I hope you're trampled by this conga line--

Whoa!

Iris, I'll be in my cabin with a protein ball and a gun.

-Yes, Mr. Judd-- -JUDD: (BANGS ON GLASS) Iris!

(YELLING) I heard you!

JORDAN: Well, I think that's my time.

So thanks for coming, everyone, to see the funniest man

in the universe.

That's me, in case it wasn't clear.

I think everything will be okay if we just stick together.

(ENGLISH ACCENT) Worked for every extinct species in history.

MATT: What a crazy night, right?

Knock, knock.

(CHUCKLES) Knock, knock.

(MATT CHUCKLES AGAIN)

-These-- These people are... -(PHONE CHIMES)

...the bravest and the boldest.

They are humanity's finest, and they need safe--

(CLAMORING AND SINGING)

-(LAUGHTER) -(CHEERING)

(RETCHING)

(SIGHS)

STAFFER: The President will see you now.

Great.

-(CHEERING CONTINUES) -MATT: Hey, uh,

Jordan's gonna be signing merchandise at the bar.

(LAUGHS) I'm just kidding. He's in hiding.

♪ (MUSIC PLAYING) ♪