Original subtitles

SONG: ♪ Hi-hee, hey, hey, hey

♪ Time to go to the Coffee Cafe

♪ Wow-wee-woo And lots of fun

♪ Yum, yum, yum in my tum

♪ Yeah. ♪

Hello. (CHUCKLES)

Today we're looking after a hamster.

This hamster's name is Toni,

but hamsters can have any name you want.

Yeah.

In fact, we've got a bit of a song about Toni.

Would you like to hear it? Yeah, I'd love to sing it now.

Yeah!

(ALL BEAT-BOX)

(RAPS) ♪ Toni Rigatoni, we love you

♪ Sally-Anne's hamster How do you do?

♪ I've only fucked a couple of hamsters in my life... ♪

The newspaper! The review!

Let's go!

Come on, let's go. Come on!

What's this review say?

It's confusing.

They talk about the fact that we also don't like Mondays.

Then they go into the fact that we don't do lasagne.

Give me that! Idiot!

Clearly, what you were reading

was a comic-strip cartoon in the newspaper.

And I... Oh, no.

Garfield the Cat wrote a review of our cafe.

Biscuits in my bottom!

This is worse than when Michelin gave us three stars!

What's next?!

A one-star review?

A four-star review?

Three hamburgers?

Five big biscuits.

Four...

Hey, Broden, mate... I'm sorry.

..you don't have to do this. I know. I...

You don't have to... I don't have to be funny, do I?

No, not always. No. Sorry.

Sometimes you've just got to be yourself.

Go on, go on.

Uh... There's a one-star review.

"The food was cold"?! (OTHERS GASP)

"The service was impersonal"?! (OTHERS GASP)

"Broden was rude to me."

Yeah. Yeah.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYS)

OK... (SNIFFLES)

After immediately accepting

the criticism from the one-star review as constructive

like the adults we are rather than cry about it for a few hours,

which did not happen... Yeah.

..let's all now walk through the changes we've implemented

to make this the best cafe ever.

Let me first show you what I have done in the kitchen.

OK. OK.

Just this way.

Ta-da!

Oh! A tiny, shiny hat. (APPLAUSE)

No, this is a... What?

Hey, everyone.

Ooh!

Nice tiny, shiny hat.

No, this is a service bell.

When I ding the bell, that means the food is ready to be served.

So, when you hear this sound...

(DING!)

..come get your hot, fresh food.

It's all explained in this simple flowchart.

Ah! Great flowchart, Zach.

Good hat too. Wow.

Thank you so much. That's great.

No more impersonal service.

Thanks to this sexy robot,

customers can now book from the comfort of their own home

or rented apartment if they're under 40

and leave us a note

which lets me know exactly who I'm catering to.

(TABLET CHIMES) Oh!

What's that, Senorita Nuts and Bolts, you extremely fuckable robot?

We already have a booking?

Ah, it's a blind date.

Perhaps I'll bring them some champagne.

Confirm.

Oh, and the Dungeons and Dragons event just booked the big table.

Perhaps I'll bring them some deodorant.

Confirm!

How easy it is to be personable now!

Ha-ha!

(APPLAUSE) (LAUGHS)

Ah!

Oh!

He said he's gonna fuck that tablet.

Yes, and two bookings already.

Ooh! Ooh!

Be gone, 'Please wait to be seated' sign.

Smash!

Replaced with this new podium.

Now I can greet every asshole customer with a smile on my dial,

like this.

Oh! Wow.

My official role is croque monsieur,

or, in English, grilled ham and cheese sandwich.

(APPLAUSE)

BOTH: Mwah!

But, Broden, how does this help you avoid being rude?

You're kind of one of the rudest dudes I know.

Well, how about this, you little fucking prick?

I promise to never be rude

on Toni Rigatoni.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS)

(SQUEAKS)

(GASPS)

And I've also organised for that reviewer to come back

and give us one more chance.

Broden...

..that's the best idea I've ever heard!

Just wait until she sees how personable I've become.

And wait until she gets a load of my latest culinary invention,

a dish so delish

with a name just as clever.

I want you boys to imagine

sausage meat wrapped in pastry...

That's a sausage roll.

And I'm confident when she comes back and sees the work we've done

she's gonna add a few more stars to that review.

BOTH: Yes!

But, Broden, what about the fact

that we're not dressed appropriately for our new roles?

Funny you mention that.

A-a-a-a-a-a-h!

That's right.

A-a-a-a-a-h!

Ohh! Ahh! Ahh!

We've organised with the best shops on Chapel Street

for you to have flashy new threads.

Ahh! Ahh! Ahh! Ahh! You'll be the envy of Nat Bass,

Delta Goodrem and Holly Valance.

Not to mention a dinner for two at Smorgy's, Bundoora.

What?! Ah! And what's that?

Calm down! An evening with Garry Lyon

at the Lilydale RSL.

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYS)

Oh, (BLEEP!)

Oh, God! I knew that would happen the second I put the tablet down.

Can you two (BLEEP!) can help?! Yeah...

Get a bag of rice or something?! Alright! Alright!

Agh!

I worry this is gonna have consequences later.

(BELL RINGS)

Ohh!

Hail and well-met, good sir.

Oh, yes, all our regular customers in disgusting fu...

..uh... (BABBLES)

..cool costumes.

Thank you. We're dressed as our Dungeons and Dragons characters.

Yeah, of course you like D and D.

I am a rogue bard.

I battle not with weapons but with my flute and lovemaking.

I'm a cat.

Well, I am your croque monsieur!

Yes. Let me see here. Ah!

I see you've reserved our very big table.

Right this way,

you fucking pack of disgusting, uh...

..regular, good humans.

Come along now.

And this right here is Mark.

He'll be your waiter.

A word, Mark?

Laying it on a bit thick, don't you think?

That's the whole point. What?

Now that I can see who I'm catering to in advance,

I can dress like them, I can talk like them

and I can make it super personable.

Wait till the reviewer gets a load of this.

Now, the specials today include a house-made sausage roll,

but I suspect you lot would prefer a sausage troll.

(ALL LAUGH)

Yeah!

I have a sword!

Alright. What are youse after?

(BELL RINGS)

What's up?

Nothing. No-one's ordered anything yet.

Well, I heard a ding.

Oh! You mean a ring.

Broden's put a bell on the door,

which makes a ring sound whenever a customer enters.

This makes more of a ding sound.

See? (DING!)

When you hear the ding, that's when I need you.

What do you want? Nothing, I was just demonstrating

the service bell to Stephanie. Ah, yeah!

(DING!) Don't do that.

What do you want? Nothing.

We were just checking the bell.

Oh, nice!

(DING!) Please, stop.

What you want? We were just having a ding-along.

You want a go? No! This is my bell, OK?

I hit the bell. I make the ding sounds.

(DING!) You didn't make THAT sound.

New plan - when the oven dings,

I ding telling you to ignore the ding.

Mm. What?

One ding means food, two dings means carry on.

(BELL RINGS)

What does that ding mean? That was a ring!

Ah! That must be the reviewer.

Or it could be the blind date.

No, we don't do... No.

Let me check.

Well, here I am. Yet another blind date.

Don't lose hope yet, Angela.

I'm here early. I'm looking good.

And I've made a reservation under my name, Angela Reviewer.

Hey, that's not technically true.

I made the booking using the first letter of my first name

and then my surname.

So, my booking is under A Reviewer.

I hope nothing goes wrong!

You must be a reviewer.

Oh, yes! I'm A Reviewer.

I can say I've never been this happy to meet a reviewer before.

You can just call me Angela.

Angela, thank you for coming.

Of course. I mean, I'm sorry, I'm a bit early.

Oh, well, I was in at 6:00AM.

Oh, my! That's eager.

Oh, yeah. I wanted everything to be perfect for you.

Wowie.

I mean, gosh,

I've never had anyone do something that nice for me before.

Well, it's easy when you know the owners.

Oh! Do you, now?!

Yeah. You can say Broden and I are very close.

Well, I don't know this Broden,

but I'm very interested in getting to know you.

Oh, yeah. I think you're gonna be very pleasantly surprised.

Oh, my!

Allow me to show you to the dining area.

Ooh, get that puddle for you there, ha-ha, reviewer.

Right this way.

(DING!)

Oh, sorry. One second.

(DING!)

Oh.

Yep. Don't worry about that.

(DING!) One second.

(DING!)

Eight grand finals... Sorry.

Ah! I think you should have a look at your coffee before you take a sip.

I think you'll be very pleasantly surprised.

OK, I'll...

Oh, my goodness. Now, THAT is incredible.

You don't get that anyway, do ya? No, you just don't!

Yeah. Mmm.

Mmm. Oh, yeah.

So yummy. Oh-poop-poop.

A little cream on your lip. Oh.

(SINGSONG) Gonna sort that out. Get the cream off your lip.

Bloody hell, get... Yeah.

Thank you. You are very thoughtful.

Yeah, I'm... I'm the best.

You are! And you know what else?

You're, um... If I can say it, you're quite handsome as well.

(CHUCKLES) What?

Well, you know, I've just done so many of these,

and they all end so badly

that I'm starting to think maybe I'M the problem.

(LAUGHS)

Mm.

(LAUGHS)

(TABLET CHIMES)

"Just a group of football bullies

"wanting a fun breakfast before a day of bullying dorks"

on the big table?!

Oh, no, no, no, no. That's the antithesis of nerds.

It'll be a goddamn bloodbath.

No, thank you.

You fuckin' piece of shit.

(TRILLS, CHIRPS)

(DING!)

Oh, frick.

That's why you've got to get to know someone.

Often on first impressions people think I'm a rude dude.

Well, as sweet as you are, I mean,

I sure hope things could get a little rude one day.

Yuck. Huh... Excuse me?

No way. I promised never to be rude again.

Oh! Oh. Um...

To whom? Oh, my best friend, of course.

Up there.

It would take someone very, very special for me to ever be rude again.

Oh, my goodness! I think I'm blushing.

Oh, yeah. That's weird.

What kind of special are you talking?

Oh, like, you know Rob Mills?

OK.

Mm.

Um... Uh... Hee-ho-ha! Ho-hum!

My merry band of travellers,

a great curtain of evil is about to split this here land in twain.

Yeah, yeah. So, move, move, please. Move down the table.

Move!

Wow! (EXCITED CHATTER)

And then the geezer, he comes right up to me,

and after that, oh, I pounded that geezer right in the ploughmans.

(OTHERS LAUGH)

I love pounding geezers, trollops and Carl Forsters!

This guy's mint!

Now, the specials today include a house-made sausage roll,

but I suspect you lot would prefer a house-made Tottenham Hotspurs.

(OTHERS LAUGH) Yeah, I'll roll 'em!

THE NAMELESS ONE: Hee-yah! I used the elixir of lust

to make the handsome stone toad fall for me.

Is that dorks? They're going to die! No! No!

No, no, not dorks.

No, I think that's just your morning browns

on their way, you plonkers. Let me go check.

Oh! (LAUGHS)

I trust him because he called me a plonker.

Hey, shouldn't you be writing this down?

Oh, sho... (DING!)

Sorry, um...

(DING!)

Uh... Whoa. (HORN HONKS)

(DING!) Gosh, I'm so sorry. Agh.

I'm just finding it a bit hard to concentrate

on our very wonderful date

because there's all that noise.

Let me go see what that is. OK.

And, of course, by 'date' you mean review of the cafe you're doing.

(LAUGHS) And, of course, by review of this cafe I'm doing

you mean date.

Ha-ha, yeah. Be right back. Ha-ha, K.

Miss... you.

Did you all just find the Lost Mine of Phandelver

or are you happy to see me?

(ALL LAUGH) Ah, get it?

(DING!)

(DING! DING! DING! DING! DING!)

Be that our food, innkeeper?

Oh, uh... let me check with the kitchen.

Oh, I mean the food hall.

Oh...

And how about another round of browns while we wait, OK?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What's all the noise?! You're upsetting the reviewer!

And where's my food?!

Oh, here it is, Mark.

And it's gone cold AGAIN.

Why didn't you ding, you dingus?!

I did ding, dickhead, but I don't ding once now

thanks to this damn thing. (HORN HONKS)

So, new system.

If it's a ding then the horn, it's the oven.

If it's a ding than the kazoo, it's the microwave.

If I hear a bing, I'll hit the vibraslap.

And if it's a ring, I'll blow the wood whistle.

Five dings now means food's ready.

And the handgun is a full reset.

(BANG!)

Jesus Christ! Jesus!

It's all up here.

You know what? I actually find that quite clear.

(BELL RINGS)

(BLOWS WHISTLE) Are you gonna get that?

(BELL RINGS)

Mm. (DING!)

(PATS VIBRASLAP) Are you gonna get that?

Get what? What are you talking about? Get what?!

Ahem!

Oh, can you please just wait, please?!

Now, Zach, sorry, talk me through...

Hey. Hey. What are you writing?

Just that, despite being invited back

in what I assume was to regain my favour,

I find this cafe to be in the same broken state

it was the last time I reviewed it.

(GASPS)

You must be the blind date!

No, Broden, I'm Melbourne's top reviewer.

Ha! Yeah, right!

Well, if that's the case,

you explain to me

why I've been schmoozing a reviewer over there all morning

and they've been really nice to me

and they haven't mentioned the review once

kind of like they're on a blind date.

OK? And now you've shown up, right? And oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God!

Why don't you show me to my seat?

I'll take you to your seat.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

ALL: Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Fuck! I don't know what's a croque monsieur

but now I've got egg on my face like a croque madame!

What are we gonna do?!

We are gonna get those stars!

The reviewer hasn't seen any of this yet.

So, you keep the food hot.

You keep the rudeness down.

Whatever it is I'M doing.

Do not let this become a farce!

(DING!)

(HONKS HORN)

(DING!) (BLOWS KAZOO)

(DING! DING! DING! DING! DING!)

Thanks.

OK, I thought I had it. I definitely don't.

Um... And another round of browns

while we await further nourishment.

Tiddle-dee-dee!

Uh... Stephanie, can we clear the cups, please?

The sink's full. Oh, good!

(TABLET CHIMES)

Oh, look, just clear the cups and then get the booking, OK?

You're the bookings gal now.

Sire, your generosity has done us a great wrong in our bellies.

What?

We need to go poo-poo in toi-toi.

So, today's special is

imagine there's sausage wrapped in pastry that we...

That's a sausage roll. I'll start with a coffee.

Yes, of course.

A strong latte. Yes, of course!

Extra hot. Yes, of course!

With oat milk.

Yes, of course. Yes, of course.

Oh, yes, of course.

Yes, of course. Yes, of course.

(SPOOKY MUSIC PLAYS)

Oi! Bagel brain! Where's our grub at?

Uh... Coming.

How about an extra round of morning browns while we all wait?

We're gonna need your bog-bog, Guv.

King Kong's asking for his fingers back.

What?

We need to poo-poo in the toi-toi.

Oh, then just go use the one toilet that we have in the cafe...

Oh. Oh.

Oh.

Oh... (MUTTERS)

Oh. Oh.

Oh. (MUTTERS) Oh.

(MUTTERS)

Oh. (MUTTERS) Oh.

No, oh!

Zach! Where do I put the sack of...

Stephanie, I'm trying to cook my long, flaky, round meaty boys.

Come on, have some initiative. Agh!

Cups. Coffee cups.

Coffee cups. Coffee cups for Broden Kelly.

(DRILL WHIRRS)

(PANTS)

Oh... Oh...

(TABLET CHIMES)

No, we don't want that booking.

Cancel. (TABLET TRILLS)

No, cancel. (TRILLS)

(BEEPS) Cancel.

(DING!) And it confirmed.

Uh...

(BREATHES HEAVILY)

(SCREAMS)

Well, here I am ready to go on a blind date.

It's the first date I've been on

since my wife, who was my childhood sweetheart and love of my life,

passed away both suddenly and tragically.

I sure hope nothing goes wrong.

(GRUNTS)

(CRASH!)

(SQUEAKS)

If anything happens to my Toni Rigatoni,

I'm gonna get my staple gun out

and I'm gonna rig your toe to your knee.

Get it?

Rig-a-toe-knee.

(LAUGHS)

Here's your extra-hot, strong, oat latte. Sorry, it's in a horn.

I don't know where all our cups are. Would you like to order lunch?

I'll take a chicken sandwich and a muffin.

You don't want sausage roll? Was I unclear?

No!

No, no, no, no, no, no.

No! (SCREAMS) My God!

Sorry! It had platypus milk in it! I'll get you another!

Stephanie, I'm so stressed

I'm about to turn into a one-dimensional character.

Stop whatever you are doing, just get rid of HER!

But I've got to tell Mark...

Oh, bloody hell, I've had a bloody gutful of your generation

always rocking around with your tablets and your giblets.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYS)

(FAIRY MUSIC PLAYS)

Ooh! He was offside!

What was that? Oh, uh... nothing.

I'm sure that was just some sort of owl-bear

having sexual intercourse with...

..a dungeon.

One sec.

(CHUCKLES)

You're saying that my date is waiting for me in there?

Yup. And I hear he's got a sexy surprise for you!

Ooh! I love a sexy surprise!

Oh, there it is!

(SQUEAKING) (RATTLING)

Stephanie! I need you in the kitchen! The flaky boys!

Mark is... No, but I.... Go, go, go, go, go, go!

(GROANS)

Alright, lads! What's going on?

Oi. What's that on your T-shirt?

You ain't some kind of dork, are ya?

This? D and D?

Um... Why, no, that's just short for 'dunkin' dorks'.

Really?

Yeah, I wear it so if I catch myself in the mirror,

then I can practise creamin' dorks!

See?

Oh! (LAUGHS)

Agh! Wow! (CHUCKLES) Yeah!

(OTHERS LAUGH)

MICHELLE: Imagine a 21-sided die.

What was that? Oh. Uh... I don't know.

One sec.

(SQUEAKING)

Is that blood? What?

There aren't b-b-bullies afoot, are there?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

This is just, um... I got a 4-sided die

stuck up my nose.

Just... Yeah. Oh! (LAUGHS)

Let me help you.

Oh. Ohh! OK, mate.

Thank you so much.

Ow!

Oh, thank you so much.

Gotcha. Mate, Zach, mate,

What are you doing? Let me go, you bastard.

Toni? You can talk?

Sure can, mate. It's called the gift of the gab.

Why do you sound like Australian character actor Ben Mendelsohn?

All hamsters sound like this, mate.

The real question is why does Ben Mendelsohn sound like a hamster?

I never thought about it that way.

Extra-strong, hot, oat latte!

I've seen enough. This hurts really bad!

Thank you for wasting my time in this terrible establishment.

Ohh! Why?

You really want to know? Mm.

(GASPS)

(TABLET CHIMES) (DING!)

Agh!

Zach, cut your hair. I love it.

Now release me from your bastard hands.

I can't. I made a promise to Sally-Anne.

And Broden made a promise on me never to be rude again.

I promise never to be rude again

on Toni Rigatoni.

If I'm within a 10-kilometre radius when he breaks that promise,

and he will,

I'll pop like Joel Edgerton in Animal Kingdom, mate.

Have you been talking to the cops, mate?

No.

You can tell me about it. I just want you to talk to me about it, mate.

I had to ask to be seated.

Coffee was made with platypus milk, which isn't a thing.

And it was served in an unsanitary horn.

(HISSING)

I accidently made a booking, and I need to kind of...

Oh, shrimp fishery!

I don't want to hear anything about bookings any more,

even if it's absolutely craz...

..crazy, like, uh... vampires looking to avoid the sight of blood.

Uh...

It IS vampires.

Well, fuck me!

Let me go, you little bastard.

(GROANS)

You instructed an employee to lock someone in a fridge.

The waiter needs medical attention.

The chef is chasing around an illegal hamster.

Boys!

Where's my Toni Rigatoni?! Mama's back!

I don't wanna hit you. Oh, don't mees with me, mate.

Ah! Velcome! (VAMPIRES HISS)

Food never came!

And Broden served coffee with his bare hands!

BRODEN: You saw all that? Yes, Broden! It's an open-plan cafe!

If we could just... No!

You listen!

I am going to give Morning Brown Cafe

a zero-star review!

I'll bite ya. Argh!

Toni!

(GROANS)

(HISSING)

(GRUNTS)

Uh-oh.

(GASPS) (VAMPIRES HISS)

Wh... There's a dork in the john with me!

(ALL EXCLAIM)

Don't touch me! No! No!

(VAMPIRES HISS) (BULLIES GRUNT)

(GASPS) Get him!

Unless...

Is this

a theatre restaurant?

Uh...

Uh...

Uh... Yeah...

Yes, you're right. Yes, it's theatre.

MARK: Yeah, it is! Yep.

STEPHANIE: Yep. Yep.

(QUIETLY) Go along with it.

(QUIETLY) Oh, oh, good, good, yeah! Uh..

(SINGS) ♪ Hey! 'Cause we're singin' and dancin'... ♪

(MUMBLES INDISTINCTLY)

(BLOWS WHISTLE)

(SINGS) ♪ I am the lead of the show

♪ Oh, at the theatre restaurant

♪ And I like to fuck... ♪

(GASPS)

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah!

(SINGS) ♪ This was always the plan from the start

♪ Well, you... ♪ You!

How dare you?! Agh!

It's a character. It's the, uh...

(SINGS) ♪ Wizard! ♪

It is the wizard of, um...

Winter!

Wizard of Winter!

It's the Wizard of Winter!

Go along with it. I'll give you 20 bucks.

♪ Here's the Wizard of Winter ♪ Yes, it's me... ♪

Get on the stage.

Alright, folks, the theatre restaurant's starting. Take a seat.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYS)

♪ When I came here to the wizard place! ♪

Ah! Captain Pissdicks!

Yes, I see it is you.

But no longer are we...

..are we a simple peasant folk,

for we now have...

♪ The w-i-i-i-z-a-a-a-a-a-a-a... ♪

It's...

♪ ..a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a... ♪

Kiss me, you fool!

(BOTH MOAN)

(VOCALISES OPERATICALLY)

(GASPS)

♪ Ah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! ♪

(SIREN WAILS)

(RAPS) ♪ I'm blood boy

♪ And I'm here to say

♪ I reckon everything's gonna be A-OK. ♪

Have you met... Bang!

Oh! I've been assassinated!

Bang!

He's been assassinated too.

Bang! Oh!

Someone shoot me. Someone shoot me.

Bang! Thank you!

Bang! Bang!

Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang!

Bang! Bang!

(INAUDIBLE)

♪ Ave

♪ Maria! ♪ (WAILS)

(CRIES)

Hitler invaded Poland.

We need all of you to report right to World War II now.

Say there, Sally-Anne, where are you going to?

Wollongong.

Choo-choo!

What are you doing in Wollongong?

Gonna have a perm.

ALL: ♪ Yeah! ♪

Whoo!

(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)

(READS) "Despite it feeling like a group of mostly strangers

"making the show up as they went along,

"thankfully, my taste in theatre is fucked."

Four and a half stars!

Yes-s-s-s-s-s-s.

(LAUGHS)

And how soon after the performance do you think it was

that everyone started attacking each other?

To my memory, almost immediately.

Um... Are you guys gonna help me clean?

(MEN LAUGH)

MEN: No.

No. No, no, no.

No.

Oh, a quiz! Yeah, shall we?

Which animal has the largest brain?

Human.

Hmm...

I love the brands we can use.

Wait, it was sperm whale.

Of course.

Uh... Number six...

Uh... Number two.

In what country is the Canary Islands?

Canary.

Mm. Broden?

Canary.

Wait. Uh...

No, it's Spain.

(BANGS TABLE)

Hey! Sorry, I just...

We're not gonna have fun, man.

It's not fun for me unless I'm winning.

Oh, my God. That IS a lot of bodies.

Don't let it distract you. Stick to the quiz, please.

But it's...

Is that a little heavy for an ABC sitcom?

Mm. We'll see.

Alright, uh... Oh, my God, John Howard won!

What? How old is this paper? (ALL LAUGH)

Captions by Red Bee Media

Copyright Australian Broadcasting Corporation