Original subtitles

MICHELLE: (READS) "Today - the World Championships

"of People who are Terrible at Noughts-and-Crosses.

"Please don't read this aloud."

(GASPS) Ama-ma.

(SOFTLY) Sorry, sign. Sorry.

COMMENTATOR: And welcome back to the World Championships

of People who are Terrible at Noughts-and-Crosses.

First two moves have been particularly bad.

Top right.

SPECTATORS: Ooh!

Top right.

COMMENTATOR: Yeah, it's really bad stuff here.

Shit.

I was going to go there.

Any of the available spaces.

Top left.

Top left? Yeah.

Alright.

COMMENTATOR: Once again a terrible choice.

The finalists are really acting out the premise well here.

Didn't want to...

It wouldn't be right.

Your turn.

Top right.

Top right?

So, that square is taken by you.

COMMENTATOR: There appears to be some confusion down there.

Top right.

No, it's not your... No.

It's your turn.

Any of the AVAILABLE squares.

Any of the available squares.

Hmm. Pass.

Bottom left.

SPECTATORS: Ooh!

COMMENTATOR: Fantastic atmosphere by the crowd there.

Am I allowed to ask them why they just said, "Ooh"?

Uh...

They're just reading what it says there.

No...

Middle top.

Middle top? Put a circle there one.

No, you're cross... You're... You're cross.

Congratulations. No...

You've got to get three in a row...

Right. ..of yours.

Congratulations. No. Stop... Stop it.

Stop it! Three in a row.

Zach! Table five need those almond croissants pronto!

Hey, stop doing latte art with little dicks in them, please.

You're the one making connections out of nowhere. They are hearts.

Come's coming out of these, Stephanie!

You know the Ancient Romans considered genitalia

the source of all love.

OK.

Zach, is this what you've been serving table five?

Yeah. They ordered almond croissants.

Not almonds AND croissants.

How was I supposed to know that?!

This isn't a thing that exists?!

Did you teach her this (BLEEP!)? I taught her that as a joke!

It's not funny to put dicks in coffee!

What?!

We've got impressionable (BLEEP!) children here working now!

She's fucking 16, Broden!

She watches MA movies! She knows what a dick is!

Boys!

(FLASHY MUSIC PLAYS)

Hi!

I'm your property manager from the real-estate agency.

How's it going? Alright. Good. Not bad. Talk to me. How're you going?

Pretty good. The other week, this place was filled with wasps.

Oh, beautiful!

OK, well, I just wanted to pop down here

and see why you haven't paid your rent in six months.

You're in big trouble, my boys.

What are you talking about? We pay our rent every month like clockwork.

(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS)

Well, that's the rent paid, my drudes.

Back to the cafe.

Orange.

But nah, mate!

You owe us, like, thousands of dollars, gents, alright?

W-T-F?

Uh-huh. It's tomato day,

and you haven't got enough empty, clean jars

for the passata, I'm afraid.

Which one of you pooheads hasn't been paying the rent?

Mark, language!

Look, Miss, there must be some sort of clerical error here.

Can't we organise a potential payment-payback scheme?

Oof! Try saying that one 10 times fast, kids.

No, no. It's too late for that, I'm afraid.

It's like you're curing the salami mix,

and somebody's forgotten to salt it, sadly.

(CHUCKLES)

Oh, I talk mostly in Italian-cooking analogies, by the way.

Well, I'm Italian too,

but I prefer talking about E-sports, graphic novels

and hanging out online through the Discord platform.

Mm.

OK. Um...

Oh.

Any of the available squares. Here.

Top right. Yeah. No. Taken. Here.

Look. Loo... Top right.

No!

I'll take the top right.

No! Please?

Please! You know what?

I actually just came down here to evict you,

but I can see you dabble in functions, lads.

Oh, yeah, we do functions, sketches, whatever you want to call them.

OK. Alright. Cop this one.

Your cafe is going to host the Annual Real Estate Awards tonight,

and, in return,

I'm going to give you a little bit of an extension on paying your rent.

We can't do that tonight. We've already got a function on.

Well, you know what? Like, if you prefer,

I can just step aside and let you talk directly to your landlord

because, you know, she's very reasonable and level-headed, so...

Sally-Anne, what are you doing?!

Little spider came in!

That's not a spider, Sally-Anne,

that's a man!

It's Mark, Sally-Anne!

I'm gonna stab you, you little shit!

(SCREAMS)

Alright.

Hey, you guys have got to piss off.

It's alright. We're done. It was a draw.

They're REALLY bad. They're REALLY bad.

Beautiful!

Well, I'll scoot home, have a shower, make a pod coffee,

go to the garden, have a fig, smash that coffee, a little biscotti,

dippy-dip, have a sip,

scoot back in, put on the awards night.

No dramas! Beautiful.

God damn it, boys!

I wanted to go top right. You should've. You could've won it.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYS)

(GRUMBLES)

Yeah, no, I've actually got a showing soon.

Oh, they're setting up the Real Estate Awards already.

Yep. And you're passing in anything under 1.6...

This is so embarrassing, boys.

This is more embarrassing than when films have montages

and the lyrics to the song don't match thematically.

(QUIETLY) What an odd thing to say.

Let's pay the rent out of our own bank accounts.

For some reason,

that's the blood oath we agreed to when we opened this cafe.

Well, when I was seven, I missed out on my birthday because of rent.

I pay my rent on time every month, Mark.

Oh, my God. What happened?

(REMEMBERS) Broden, it's your dad, Ross Stevenson, here.

You were so bad in that production of Rent the musical

that we're cancelling your eighth birthday party.

No birthday cake, no cowboy hat, no eighth birthday party for you ever.

(GUNFIRE, EXPLOSIONS) Weather coming up.

Are you...

Better than ever. Just thinking of what I'll have for lunch today. Yum.

So, are you telling me

neither of you two bozos are going to admit to this?

What, we've got to open up our bank accounts

and trawl through our statements to see who the culprit was?

Really?! That's what we're going to do?!

Alright then, who's going first?

(SCOFFS) No volunteers?

Not a single one of youse?

Fine! I'll put my hand up.

I'll do it first.

(LAUGHS)

I cannot believe

I work with two people

so unwilling to admit to a mistake...

(CRIES)

It was me.

(CRIES)

Well, what the heck is this?

I haven't been paying the rent, boys.

I am shocked.

Not about the rent thing. That doesn't surprise me.

You're still seven?

No, I'm not seven.

I just... I turned eight. I just didn't have a birthday party for it.

Do you understand? Yes.

I've got an addiction! Look at my hands!

Look at them!

I can't stop thinking about my next hit.

A can't sleep. I'm living in a sac.

Oh, my God, Mark, a hessian sack?

No, a cul-de-sac. It's a little bit different.

So, do you still get, like, cheap movie tickets and stuff?

I'm not seven! I'm not seven. Alright?

Don't worry, Mark, acknowledgement is the first step to recovery.

Me and Zach are going to help you

get back to your little hairy dirt-fuck self.

Dirt-fuck?

(BOTH MURMUR INDISTINCTLY)

Oh.

Stop right there.

(LAUGHS) You stop right there. (LAUGHS)

Alright, Mark, Zach and I have laid a plan.

Zach's going to stay here and oversee the function,

and I'm going to help you boot this addiction.

Look, it's a shame I can't go with you,

but I think we can all agree

that running an entire function

is too complicated of a task for a little seven-year-old boy.

Are you cooked, man? I'm not seven.

I got a year older. I just didn't have a birthday party.

You've never been on a roller-coaster!

I'm 33! Stop it!

Alright, Mark, what's your addiction?

(ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYS)

(DRUMS NON-RHYTHMICALLY)

(BUZZER)

(BUZZER)

Got to get the timing just right.

(BUZZER)

It's so hard.

(BUZZER)

MACHINE: You lose!

You're addicted to Drummy Cool Dude?

I'm not a perfectionist. I don't want to 100% it.

I just want to get through it without failing it. You know?

I can't leave until I do.

Don't worry, Mark. I'm going to help you finish

Flight Of The Bumblebee right now.

You really mean it, Broden Kelly from Aunty Donna?

Oh, you betcha.

Because your story deserves to be finished.

Everyone has a story, and every story deserves to be told!

That bloke over there!

That... That guy!

And you, mate,

over there!

What did you do today?

Good morning, extras.

Welcome to the set of the new Aunty Donna show.

This morning we're going to be shooting an arcade scene.

A few rules to go through before we get started.

Number one - no overacting.

It's not funny, and you WILL get cut.

Number two - do not talk on set.

Even if one of the boys tries to impro a line with you, do not reply

because they WILL blacklist you

and you'll never work in this industry again.

Is that clear?

Is he alright?

Tell us what you did!

Maybe he's sick... Talk to me!

What's... Weird.

Alright. Let me have a crack at this.

Been a little while since Alex Kidd on Sega, LOL.

LOL. LOL.

LOL. (CHUCKLES) Alright, you just press down here?

Yeah. (BEEP!)

(ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYS) Good luck. It's hard.

(DRUMS RHYTHMICALLY)

MACHINE: You're cool at drumming!

Hmm...

Probably beginner's luck, eh?

I'll give it another go?

Mm.

(BEEP!)

(ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYS)

(DRUMS RHYTHMICALLY)

MACHINE: You're cool at drumming!

Hmm...

(DRUMS RHYTHMICALLY)

Mm.

Hmm...

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(GENTLE PIANO INTRO PLAYS)

(SINGS) ♪ It's real estate's night of nights

♪ It's magical and so jaunty

♪ Everybody's dressed to impress

♪ 'Cause tonight it's The (BLEEP!)-ies

(SINGS) ♪ Every single realtor is a (BLEEP!)

♪ If you lose, don't get grumpy

BOTH: ♪ You're still a (BLEEP!)

♪ I'm still a (BLEEP!)

♪ Tonight we're all (BLEEP!)-ies!

♪ Who's the biggest (BLEEP!)? Is it you or me?

♪ We're (BLEEP!) of the air, of the land and the sea

♪ If you've ever sold a house on earth

♪ Well above what it is worth

♪ The best night that you've ever seen

♪ Better than a renovator's dream

♪ Blow out the candles and make a wish

♪ Which one of you earned the biggest commish?

♪ Who has a big commish? ♪ Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh

♪ It's The (BLEEP!)-ies

♪ Yeah-eah-eah-eah-eah-eah-eah-eah ♪ O-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-h

♪ We're all big, old (BLEEP!) ♪

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

Cheers, lads, and welcome

to the 38th Annual (BLEEP!)-ies,

the most magical day on the real-estate calendar.

Apart from that time

I sold an absolute shitbox in Balwyn North

for over 500 K above reserve

and brought home a tasty commish.

It has been a big year for all of us (BLEEP!).

We've sold some houses and made some huge commishes on those sales.

GUEST: I've sold a house as well.

That's sick as.

How long till I can leave?

I've got Andre Rieu tickets.

Excuse me. How much longer does this have to go?

Oh, don't worry. Like, as a community,

agents don't like to pat ourselves on the back too much,

so, you know, probably only another

50 or so thousand awards to give out.

Should take several weeks at most.

The award for:

We have Mitch!

Mark, I'm going to get you drumming like a real Drum Boy in no time.

You mean it? Oh, mate.

I got an A for singing in Year 12. You are in good hands.

I could have done music theatre at uni if I'd wanted. Seriously.

Then sing a little for me, Chad Kroeger.

(SINGS) ♪ Oh, you want a little bit of singing, yeah? ♪

OK. Timing.

Most music follows the basic four-four time signature,

so, one, two, three, four.

Do it for me. One, two, three, four. Do it with me.

One, two. Stomp for me.

One, two, three. Just get that rhythm.

One, two. Come on, join the rhythm.

Just don't worry about the words. Just stomp in time.

Too much, OK. Just clap. (CLAPS)

Clap.

Mark, clap.

Put your hands together and make noise.

You don't know what clapping is?

Are you cooked?

So, so far we've learnt you're broke

and you're a grown human man

and you don't know what a clap is.

Well, we've got a lot of work to do, little fella.

I hope you're ready to bust a nut, you little nut boy,

'cause I'm going to make you work harder

than you've ever worked in your life.

But, also, we're in an arcade, so, let's have a bit of fun, alright?

Let's have fun while we're here. Absolutely.

Legit, are you cooked?

SONG: ♪ Run, run, run Drive my big truck

♪ Driving down the interstate I'm all out of luck.

♪ And then I hit a person with my car

♪ And then I drove away

♪ Hit and run Hit, hit-and-run

♪ I hit him with my car and now I'm on the run

♪ I did a hit, hit, hit... ♪

Let's stop for a sec.

I know it was my idea

to wear the loose fabric-y tracksuit pants and stuff,

but I can really clearly see your nuts.

Yes.

Stop. Sorry.

Let's just go back to our normal clothes.

♪ I burned my truck

♪ Ditched the plates

♪ Gonna start a new life

♪ In a new state

♪ Did a hit-and-run

♪ In my big truck

♪ And then the guy died

♪ Just my luck

♪ The FBI is trying to find me

♪ 'Cause I did a hit-and-run... ♪ ♪ Happy birthday to you... ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you... ♪ (GUNFIRE, EXPLOSIONS)

♪ Happy birthday... ♪ ♪ I hit him with my car

♪ And now I'm on the run

♪ I did a hit, hit, hit

♪ Hit, hit-and-run, yeah

♪ I hit him with my car and now I run, run, run

♪ Yeah, hit-and-runs I did one

♪ I hit a man and then I run

♪ Hit and run, running here

♪ I hit a man, yeah, I did

♪ Then I ran, ran away

♪ That is called a hit-and-run

♪ Yeah me, I did one

♪ I did a hit-and-run

♪ With my truck I hit a man

♪ I ran, ran a man down

♪ And then I ran, ran, ran away

♪ And then I ran down another man. ♪

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS)

♪ Hit and run

♪ Hit, hit-and-run, yeah

♪ I hit him with my car and now I run, run, run... ♪

Elbow, fist. Bam, bam! He staggers, jump up, kick to the face.

He's down!

Then I turn to them and I say,

"Listen up, you motherfuckers.

"You have got a choice -

"the door or my fist?"

And then they run away.

Thank you, Martha, for explaining what you would do

if a group of terrorists attacked one of your showings.

I'm sure you would get a huge commish for that sale.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

Now we remember those we have lost this past year.

(GENTLE MUSIC PLAYS)

(SINGS) ♪ Really, really sad and I miss you, my friend

♪ Your pain ♪ Pure sadness

♪ Remix

♪ Yeah, come on ♪ So bad

(RAPS) ♪ It's really sad when we lose the ones we love

♪ Yeah

♪ But they're shining down on us from up above

♪ Love grows ♪ Mother-(BLEEP!)... ♪

Nic, I need to talk to you.

Ah, you heard how good I was

at putting big 'sold' stickers on signs, and you want my advice?

(CHUCKLES)

Nah, you can't teach talent. Soz.

What? No, no, it's...

I need you guys to leave because... how do I put this lightly?

I hate this and it's awful.

Oh, my God. I'm so sorry. That's such a shame.

Guess I'm going to have to give Sally-Anne a ring.

Little spider came in again.

That's not a spider, Sally-Anne! That's a man!

It's Zach, Sally-Anne!

I'm going to stab you, you little... (SCREAMS)

OK. Fair point. But is there any way to make this go faster?

No way, Zachy! You can't stop a (BLEEP!)-ie once it's started.

Really? REALLY really.

You know, I mean, OK, like,

unless the real-estate bubble burst, I guess,

that would ruin everything, but...

(LAUGHS)

Which, of course, is impossible and would never happen

because there is no bubble.

You should forget I said that.

Here, have a fig.

This shadowy revelation presents an opportunity.

If that bubble is real,

than what is real can be burst.

Yes. I shall study.

I shall learn the ways of the bubble.

And when the time is right

I shall cure this cafe

of its real-estate-agent plague.

Is what I reckon we should do. But I'm open.

What... Where... What do YOU think we should do?

Yeah, that's good.

Yeah? Yeah.

I just...

I went in so confident, but I'm...

No, I'll do it.

I'm going to go... Get off your phone.

Here are the nominees for:

Steve, Greg...

Oh, jeez, Louise. It's a pretty big crowd forming, Broden.

I feel like I've gone to the butterfly sanctuary

and eaten a bunch of butterflies

and then I've pooed out all the butterflies.

I know, they're pretty impressive. Look at that one.

But don't worry, Mark. I taught you everything you need to know.

(EXHALES HEAVILY) OK.

(BEEP!)

(ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYS)

(BANGS) (BUZZER)

Oh, damn it.

(BUZZER)

(DRUMS NON-RHYTHMICALLY)

(BUZZER)

(BUZZER)

(DRUMS NON-RHYTHMICALLY)

(BUZZER)

MACHINE: You lose!

(CROWD LAUGHS)

You (BLEEP!) loser!

It's hopeless.

I'M hopeless.

For the first time in my life, Broden Kelly,

I think I'm going to have to accept the consequences of my actions

and trick Zach into giving me the money

and use that money to pay my rent.

I won't have it! No!

You're going to stay here till you beat that damned addiction!

Give it one more go.

You really think I can do it?

I don't THINK so.

I think maybe you can.

(BEEP!)

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS)

(BEEPING)

Now we're cooking.

Now we're cookin'.

Oh, my God.

MACHINE: Good job! Keep going!

MACHINE: You're cool at drumming!

(BANG!)

MACHINE: You win!

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE) 100% completion!

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

I did it!

I did it! (LAUGHS)

No! I hate you!

I can't believe it.

I beat the game AND on 100%.

Mark, you beat that damned addiction.

I am coming back here every day and spending all of my money.

Absolutely. Me too. I'm going to take a loan out.

I told you, Mark - if you set your mind to something,

you can achieve anything.

You are so right, Broden Kelly from Aunty Donna.

Please stop doing that.

Let's go get some waffle fries from that place next door that I love.

(GASPS) Oh!

Oh. Oop!

Slippery digits.

(BOTH LAUGH)

Oh! (LAUGHS)

Excuse me. I'm going to get that. OK. You got to get that.

You get out of here. Alright.

Thanks for operating the drum machine from inside, mate. I owe you.

I owe YOU one.

This is the most useful thing to come

from shrinking myself down to kid size.

I regret doing it so much. Yes, it was a silly thing to do.

I didn't even want anything from the kids menu.

I like adult meals, like spaghetti and balls.

The experiment was more of a "Could I do it?" kind of thing.

And now I'm stuck. Alright.

Well, ta-ta.

Think of all the incredible meals I could've had

if I'd spent my money at fancy restaurants, but now...

Tell my friends to attend my tent!

What a tiny man.

Oh, by the way,

I should have about five billion tickets on that thing.

Oh, my God.

Yeah. Yeah.

And did you want to let that kid out of the cupboard?

Can't be (BLEEP!).

Finally, I'm not wearing any socks.

Cheers.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

Congratulations again to Johnno

for receiving the (BLEEP!)-Time Achievement Award.

Just so well-deserved.

Oh.

Oh, and I've just been told we've reached the 5% mark of the evening.

Honestly, time flies when you're a (BLEEP!).

Which I am.

You can't just pop the bubble like it's a balloon, right?

First you need to put a noticeable amount of inflation

IN to the economy,

which will then, in turn, put pressure on the banks...

(SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY)

Will, in turn, put pressure...

(SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY)

To increase the reserve...

(SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY)

..IN to the economy.

And then that will, in turn,

put pressure...

(SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY)

NIC: Real-estate agents, hear me.

(SPOOKY CHANTING)

(SILENCE) (CHUCKLES)

It is time to pay homage to the great and powerful bubble.

Oh, it's...

It's a literal bubble.

OK.

The bubble is all-powerful

and earns us sick commishes.

All hail the bubble.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE) The bubble will never burst!

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

A-a-a-a-a-a...

(POP!)

..a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-gh!

OK, the bubble's burst.

OTHERS: It is done.

(MONOTONOUSLY) Off we go from whence we came.

Catch ya later, big fella. Good on ya, champ...

What are they doing?

I burst the bubble, Mark. It's all over.

Oh. Here's the cash for that situation with your sister.

I hope she's OK. Where are they going?

Not sure, but if I were to hazard a guess,

I would say they're on their way

to the swampy marshes under the West Gate Bridge,

where they will curl up and begin their hibernation process,

like a lungfish.

Mm.

VOICEOVER: And Zach was right.

Like the lungfish, the real-estate agents will return

to the swampy marshes under the West Gate Bridge.

There was no need for the boys to pay their rent

for the agents were now in holes 150 centimetres deep,

their spines dislocated

and folded in upon themselves,

leaving their nostrils above dirt

to allow regulated breathing.

The agents will re-emerge when the market begins to regain confidence.

They will then recommence selling houses

and receiving real nice commishes.

I wish there was another season of Friends so bad.

Mm, me t...

Ah! Mr Bonanno, our regular customer.

I see you've returned to redeem your tickets.

(RECITES) This isn't just an ordinary store.

Your tokens are not money.

The tokens are a key to the wonderous and yummy.

The only thing confining you

is your imagination.

You can have it all.

It funds your inclination.

(SINGS) ♪ Go on Just tell me your number of tokens

♪ And then an all-new world

♪ Of wonder will open. ♪

Um... I have five billion tickets,

or tokens.

Five billion tokens? Well, what a delight!

Five billion tokens is a glorious sight

because five billion tokens

is four billion more

than any I've seen redeemed before.

(SINGS) ♪ "What can I get?" is the question you might ask

♪ With five billion tokens

♪ You can get one chocolate bar! ♪

That's it, mother-(BLEEP!)

That's all you get!

We (BLEEP!) got you!

I saw you there every day for six months!

You thought you were going to get something from the shelf, did ya?!

Well, nah! You loser!

You understand?!

You thought you had enough tokens for a board game. Ha!

There are more stars in the sky

than there are tokens enough for a board game!

No-one ever gets the best of me,

the arcade guy!

Captions by Red Bee Media

Copyright Australian Broadcasting Corporation