Original subtitles

(THUNDER CRASHES)

(SPOOKY MUSIC PLAYS)

VOICEOVER: Dear viewer here,

prepare for a shock,

for it's fast approaching spooky o'clock.

It begins with an idea from an unusual place,

from a doe-eyed man with a dumb, stupid face.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

Mark, I just had an idea.

Oh, dude, you have such bad ideas, though, Zach.

You don't remember? OK...

Like when you suggested that we should open at 5:00AM.

Too early. I don't like getting up early.

We're up early 'cause YOU'RE up early.

(ALL WHIMPER)

This is a good one, man. Come on. I don't know, man. I don't know.

Remember when you said we should close at lunch?

Open up! We can't! We're closed!

We're doing a thing where we're not open at lunch time.

Why?!

This is similar to that idea, but this is a good one, I promise.

I don't know, man! Remember when you had the idea

that we should have an incursion on our day off?

And she said to never show my butt and-or anus

to a stranger.

What do YOU think, Mr Paedophile?!

I think it would be really nice for ME.

I guess I'll do it.

Stop. Stop.

Showing your anus to a person online is not OK.

This isn't appropriate for a corporate event.

Well, you HAVE stopped sending me photos of your arsehole, Mark.

I don't know, man!

Do you remember when you convinced me I should spend my life savings

hosting a football-themed quiz show

even though I don't know anything about football?

Question number one -

how, uh... many

ruckmen

are... there?

Now?

Yeah! Or ever?

OK. Or in a team?

Yeah, time... (BUZZER)

I don't know what the fuck you were talking...

Next question. Uh... How much?

How much? Yeah.

How much is it? Yeah.

How much is it? To go?

(BUZZER) Doesn't matter.

What about that idea that you... Mark, stop this!

But I've got 19 more examples.

I'm powering through with my idea.

Fine. I will feign interest, I suppose.

Alright, so, you know how our cafe, like all cafes, closes at 3:30PM?

Yeah?!

And you know how some people want coffee after 3:30PM?

Yeah?!

What if we stayed open after 3:30PM?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. No, that's... that's... that's crazy.

I mean, is that even legal?

Sure it is, Mark. Think about it.

We could sell coffee to all the people that want coffee

in that window of time.

We'll make millions.

Zach, you've actually had a really good idea.

What's that saying?

A broken clock is accidentally not a dumb fuck, or something like that.

(CHUCKLES) When did you want to try this?

Well, I'm not doing anything tonight.

Me neither. Bro, what about you?

No can do, boys.

I got the Blueberry Burglar's bucks party tonight.

Oh, shiver-me-timbers, that's tonight?

I completely forgot.

Wait, the Blueberry Burglar is having a bucks,

and he didn't invite me?

That's bullshit! But you...

Oh, sorry. I forgot that I... I sentenced him to death.

Yeah. Carry on.

I'd love to come, but I don't have a car. Could I get a lift...

See ya, losers.

Broden, could I get a lift? Broden!

Can I get a lift with...

Oh.

Oh, come on, Mark. Chin up, mate.

Chin up!

Chin up. Get that chin up.

Get it up! Ow.

Staying open till 5:00.

OK.

BOTH: Staying open till 5:00. Yeah, yeah. I love this

BOTH: Staying open till 5:00.

Yeah. What?!

BOTH: Staying open till 5:00!

Staying op... (THUNDER CRASHES)

(CACKLES)

Heed this warning, boys,

for staying open past 3:30

shall bring about a darkness

the likes of which

your mortal souls cannot control.

(CACKLES)

So, is that soy or almond milk with your latte?

Soy.

Cool. Right. Thank you.

Oh, and it will just be about a minute on the wrap.

Oh, fine. It's not a problem. That's fine.

Like, I'd rather it take longer and be properly toasted.

Know what I mean? (CHUCKLES)

Yeah. Nothing worse than a cold schnitzel.

Oh, my gosh. No. Yeah.

(STEAMER HISSES)

It's crazy how, um... how well Collingwood's doing, eh?

Mm, that's... I didn't, um...

Top eight.

Pardon?

Top eight.

Right. Yeah.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYS)

Hey, Broden! Hey! Hey. How're you going? Hey!

Yeah, ready for my bucks party? It's gonna be wild!

Hey, I got you some blueberries. I know you like them.

No, I don't do that anymore.

Yeah, like, the whole Blueberry Burglar thing,

just... I don't want to let it take over my identity.

OK. Yeah.

Uh... Cool.

Cool, cool, cool.

Hey, you boys ready for a wild day?

ALL: Yeah!

(SPOOKY MUSIC PLAYS)

OK.

So, maybe there's not as much demand for coffee at 3:30

as we first suspected?

Hm? Oh. Yeah.

Oh.

We should put that we're open on the chalkboard.

Oh, great idea. Yeah.

But how do we make it funny?

Oh, yeah, chalkboards have to be funny these days.

Yeah, I saw one the other day for a bar,

and it had an arrow pointing to the door

saying, "This way - beer."

And then it had an arrow pointing away from the door

saying, "That way - real life." (CHUCKLES)

Ah. Sorry, it might be a little over my head.

If only I had some kind of guide to being funny,

like Kochie's Best Jokes Volume One

or Kochie's Best Jokes Volume Four

or Kochie's Guide To Keeping It Real by David Koch,

which are all real books, by the way.

But, Zach, you can't compare yourself to King Koch.

(LAUGHS) And you're funny.

Oh. No, thank you. I'm not funny. I'm silly, but I'm not funny.

Is there a difference between silly and funny?

Yeah, huge difference, man, and I should know,

I'm kind of considered an authority on... on being silly.

Just here? MAN: Yeah, yeah.

There, thanks. (CHUCKLES) Thank you.

Alright, thanks, guys, for coming.

I guess we just have some fun. Yeah, just fun.

(READS QUESTION)

Uh... Probably this. Neh.

Bleh.

Whoa.

Um... Eh!

(LAUGHS) Probably something like that.

That's very silly. Is it?

I found out first that I was silly when I was about 16.

I started to have a reaction to breads.

So, you were... coeliac?

Next question. Alright.

(READS QUESTION)

Oh, you be the judge.

(FARTS)

Ooh. (LAUGHS)

That was silly. Hang on, hang on.

(FARTS) That's... Yeah. Oh, God.

I'll buy some cabbage, and they'll say, "Is this for pop-offs, Zach?"

(FARTS) Fuck. That reeks.

That's... Yep.

You've got to stop. Please, stop.

Because that's fuck... That's making me sick.

(READS QUESTION)

Uh... It was probably hardest to be silly when...

..when my best mate died.

Nah, you're funny, man.

The way you look, the way you walk, the way you talk,

your pathetic love life.

Broden, Stephanie and I, we laugh behind your back all the time.

Well, thank you, Mark. That really has lifted my mood.

Yeah, great! But, uh...

I don't know. What if I get it wrong?

(SIGHS) That's the beauty of comedy, man -

there is no right or wrong.

No, this is wrong. You got it wrong.

It's funny because we're open.

I really stuffed up staying back with you.

I should have just gone to that bucks party.

God knows what crazy, wild stuff they're getting up to.

SONG: ♪ Bucks party! Bucks party!

♪ Broden's on a bucks So, let's make some fucking noise!

♪ It's going to be feral, yeah! It's going to be nuts!

♪ The craziest shit happens when the:

Hey, guys. Welcome to Go, Go, Go Karts.

Ohh... Sweet!

Which one of youse is the groom?

This guys right here. Yeah, no worries.

Reason I ask is because I've got a pink helmet for him.

Oh, get stuffed. Get stuffed. No!

But, hey, let's talk instructions. Let's talk steering.

No matter how small...

Hello. How do you know the groom?

I'm his cousin.

Oh, OK.

What do you... What do you do for a living?

Oh, I'm a tenders and awards manager at a construction company.

Oh, OK. Is that... Is that good?

Well... it pays the bills. Yeah.

If you think go-karts are cool,

just wait till we get to the next location.

Yeah.

Yeah, mate.

SONG: ♪ We're turning up the heat!

♪ Going motherfucking nuts!

♪ Shit is going mental on this:

Hey, guys. Welcome to this venue that does laser tag.

(OTHERS CHATTER) Let's go! Yeah!

Mark! Come over here! I want to show you something!

What?!

I can't hear you!

What?!

What?! Mark!

What?

I can't hear you!

What?!

Come over here. I want to show you something.

What?! What?!

What?

What?! What?!

I can't hear you!

Wait there! I'm gonna come to you!

OK, how's this?

What do you get when you mix

sodium carbonate with Justin Timberlake from NSYNC?

Uh...

Not sure. What do you get?

Soda pop.

Oh, nice.

Soda... pop. (LAUGHS) Soda pop. Yeah. Really good.

Where'd you get that from? Uh...

Kochie's Best Jokes Number 4.

Oh. I thought you didn't have that book here.

We didn't. Ha. So, when did you get it?

Kochie gave it to me.

Kochie?

As in THE David Koch?

King Koch? (CHUCKLES)

When?

Just before.

There's no-one else here, Zach.

Kochie is here.

Where?

In the meat fridge.

Where we keep the meat.

(CHUCKLES)

Of all the places.

What's Kochie doing in the meat fridge, Zach?

Just being cheeky.

Oh, he's so funny, Mark.

Till he gets his hands on that meat.

Is he touching the salamis?

(LAUGHS)

(HEAVY KNOCKING)

What the fuck was that? It's Kochie, silly.

He says you could be the next Melissa Doyle.

(HEAVY KNOCKING)

Does he want to get out?

(HEAVY KNOCKING)

No.

He wants you to join him.

(HEAVY KNOCKING)

He's so excited to meet you, Mark.

(HEAVY KNOCKING)

(SPOOKY MUSIC PLAYS)

(HEAVY KNOCKING)

(SPOOKY MUSIC PLAYS)

(SIGHS) Well, you're really starting to piss me off now, Zach.

There's no Kochie in the fridge!

What you saw was probably just this light swinging in a shadow

caused by the meat carcasses.

And that knocking we heard -

that was just your automatic knocking machine.

(KNOCKING)

You're right, Mark. I, um...

I'm sorry. It's...

It's been a long day.

It's fine.

I know it's late.

How about I just make you something to eat?

Thank you. That's lovely. Alright?

God.

(LAUGHS)

Kochie in the meat fridge.

(CHUCKLES)

(SPOOKY MUSIC PLAYS)

Agh! (GASPS)

(PANTS)

(GASPS)

Oh!

I, uh...

I think I fell asleep. I...

Staying open this late is really making me wig out.

You know what I mean? (CHUCKLES)

(LAUGHS)

If you're ducking, what's happening to the, uh... what's happening to...

Can't shoot it, you can't see it. You can't see it.

You're going like that, you're actually cheating

because, if you were in a war situation and you went like that,

they could take the bullet right through your head,

through your skull and out your anus.

And that does happen in war situations.

So, which one of youse is the groom?

GROUP: This guy here.

OK, the reason I ask is 'cause I've actually got a pink laser for him.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER) Chicks would normally wear that.

In all seriousness, though, guys, it does happen in war...

How do you know the groom?

Oh, I'm a clone of Mark,

and I was on the jury that sentenced him to death.

Oh, OK. Yeah.

Cool.

What do you do for... What do you do for a job?

I manage one of Australia's largest sports retail stores

in a large shopping centre.

Oh, OK.

Is that good? You like that?

Pays the bills.

(CHUCKLES) Yeah.

Yeah.

You think laser tag's cool,

just wait till we get to the next location.

Yeah. Cool.

How are you, everybody? My name is Mathias. Welcome to DcMonalds.

Now, which one of youse is the groom?

This guy!

Alright, now, the reason I ask

is maybe he'll be getting a little plastic princess toy.

(OTHERS LAUGH) You're gonna look stupid.

(SPOOKY MUSIC PLAYS)

I'm a Cowdoy. Put me in cupboard, I become real.

Oh, you're so wonderfully absurd, Cowdoy. I love you.

Uh-oh. It's time for the old jig'um.

(COUNTRY-WESTERN MUSIC PLAYS)

No, I...

I think you misunderstand. I, um...

I love you.

Hm! Silly-billy stupid Zach,

losing his mind, talking to his toys.

Some people just can't hack staying open late.

But we'll fix him up.

Won't we, Frogman?

Yes, we will, Mark.

I'm a frog.

Yes, you ARE a frog.

I want to hear about it all.

Alright. Uh... I'm from Craigieburn...

Let's wrangle up some beans in a pintle.

What do you mean there's a way?

Oh, that beaut stage coat.

Oh, Tiny Cowdoy,

I can't cut out Mark's heart and feed it to you.

How could you make me do such a thing, Cowdoy?!

Dungaree.

The only way?

Dungaree.

Hey? Yes?

Is he looking at me?

I don't know, Mark, but I reckon you should kill him.

Yeah, alright.

Sick.

But ice at the centre of an ice cube,

it can be as cold as the planet Venus.

And if you're on the planet Venus, you would snap in half.

So, I want you to be really careful, guys.

What do you do for work? I work at a cafe with my two friends.

Is that fun? Yeah. It pays the bills.

(CHUCKLES) (CHUCKLES)

(QUIETLY) Just a heads up -

the next location's coming up,

and it's gonna be effin'...wild.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

SONG: ♪ Now we're turning fuckin' feral! Yeah!

♪ We're goin' fuckin' nuts!

♪ The craziest shit happens... ♪

Now, which one of youse is the groom?

This guy!

Now, the reason why I ask that

is I've got the She-Hulk costume for him.

(LAUGHS) Yeah!

Yeah, that's the girl one.

Um... Nah, but in all seriousness, though,

we're gonna do some activities today, some games, some fun.

Yeah, mate? Are you really Batman?

No, mate.

I'm not Batman.

Oh. OK.

Anyway, basically...

(SIGHS HEAVILY)

What's wrong?

Oh, my God. You think my bucks party is lame, don't you?

Are you kidding? This is the best fun I've ever had.

I'm just sad this is the last scheduled activity.

Well, actually, we do have one more UNSCHEDULED activity.

(CHORTLES)

A real adult activity, if you catch my drift.

Oh, yeah.

(SNICKERS) Oh, yeah.

Hello, sir.

As promised, I made you a sandwich.

A hand-grenade sandwich.

Oh, Mark, you shouldn't have. It looks delicious.

That reminds me.

I have also prepared a sandwich for you.

Oh.

It looks scrumptious.

Tell me...

..is that a gun?

No, it's peanut butter.

Mmm. It looks like it'd be so yummy in my tummy.

But, Zach, on the off-chance you didn't enjoy my first sandwich...

..I made you another.

Oh, please, won't you take a drink...

..of my sandwich?

Bleach sandwich?

Oh, what a friend you are.

I am surrounded by Judases,

but you have not betrayed me.

It's very sweet of you.

Almost as sweet as this sweetie.

Are you mad?

You know I'm deathly allergic to muffin.

Haven't you heard?

This muffin is entirely muffin-free.

Eat the muffin, Mark.

I need you to eat the muffin, Mark.

And if I refuse?

Just eat the muffin, Mark.

Don't make this harder than it has to be.

(MURMURS)

I need you to eat the muffin, Mark.

I refuse your muffin.

I was afraid you'd say that.

Eat the muffin, Mark!

Eat the muffin!

(GROANS)

Argh!

(BOTH YELL INDISTINCTLY)

What are you guys doing?

I just forgot to do my availability, so, I was gonna fill that in now,

but I didn't realise you guys were gonna be here, so...

Mark just gave me a key.

(SCREECHING)

Argh!

Oh, my God!

You foolish girl!

Just as I nearly had them.

Just as they were about to kill each other.

Are you kidding me?!

I am Drew, the ghost of this cafe,

and you disturbed my ghostly rituals with your late-closing time.

Now you shall all perish

so that I may be left in peace to watch my favourite show,

Gardening Australia.

That's real sick. Mm.

Really? We all love Gardening Australia.

Yeah. It has all the great tips.

Costa! We love Costa! Oh, I love Costa!

I think that too! I've been saying that.

Also, you don't have to wait until it airs on the telly.

You can watch it any time you want.

What?

Ever heard of Australia's favourite streaming service, ABC iview?

Iview you say?

Yeah. Oh!

It's free and it works.

Well, this is very adult.

OTHERS: Yeah.

It's a cafe that's open past 3:30PM.

ALL: Yeah!

Coffee!

This place seems a little familiar.

Bloody hell, eh?

Oh, it's MY cafe.

That's why it's so familiar. That makes sense. Right. OK.

Excuse me.

We all know vegies are good for us, and there's nothing...

My nieces would love this. It's crashed. Sorry.

Iview's crashed again. Oh.

Oh, hey, bro. Oh, hi, man.

How are ya? Hi, Broden.

Turn it off and then turn it on.

Who's that?

Oh, this is Drew. She's a ghost.

I'm a ghost. Yes, I am a ghost. Yeah, a ghost.

And this is the witch. You met her, yeah?

Mm, yeah, no.

I think I'd... He wasn't here.

When I came into the... I'd remember you.

So, Drew was trying to make Mark and me murder each other.

Yes, only so that Witchy and I

could watch our 5:00PM Gardening Australia.

Yeah, I tried to explain it to them this morning,

but it was obviously really vague.

And it's crashed again. It's fucking crashed again.

This is just killing me. It's OK.

Well, give me a go.

I could just make you guys kill each other. I could just...

No, I get what you're saying...

Who's that?

Oh, that's the bucks party.

We came here to get a coffee as a saucy end to our day of activities.

See? 5:00PM WAS a good idea! Oh, that's so good!

And, as soon as we can get ABC iview

to FUCKING work,

we could do it every day.

Oh, no, no, no.

We're open before 9:00 because it's our most busy period

and we can't open past 3:30 for labour laws.

You're absolutely right. It WAS a dumb-fuck idea.

Yes, it was, Zach. But don't worry about that.

Forget about it because it's party time.

Broden, but we can't have a bucks party.

We've got a witch and a ghost.

And what about Gardening Australia? Gardening Australia.

Well, then it looks like we've got ourselves

a spooky Gardening Australia bucks party!

Oh, my God. Hello, boys!

Hit it, deejay!

VOICEOVER: Well, that's a simply spooky idea

Broden Kelly.

Hit it, deejay.

(SINGS) ♪ It's a spooky Gardening Australia bucks party

♪ Trying to use iview and being a ghoul

♪ Wearing nice shirts

♪ And being scary

♪ Struggling with iview and being a ghoul

♪ Where... ♪

(CLICK!)

(CLICK!)

♪ It's a spooky Gardening Australia bucks party

♪ Trying to use iview and being a ghoul

♪ We're the ghoul and we're being cool

♪ And having a dance and picking soil

♪ Then Blueberry Burglar and Zach

♪ Dance and chillies

♪ Doing chillies and whatev...

♪ Picking beans and Costa

♪ And then fuckin' Broden

♪ And kissing on the...

♪ Kissing the witch, yeah! ♪

Captions by Red Bee Media

Copyright Australian Broadcasting Corporation