Original subtitles

(BIRDS TWITTER)

And where do you think you're going at this hour?

I'm going to my new job.

At 6am?

You can't be sneaking out all hours of the night.

You, get a job.

I just said that I'm going to my new job.

At this hour? Yes, that's when the shift starts.

That shift better be a shift at a job.

I'm going now.

(TRAM BELL DINGS)

(BELL RINGS)

Um... Hello?

Ah, Stephanie.

Welcome to the first day of the rest of your life.

I'm Broden, and, not to pat myself on the back,

but I'm a pretty cool effin' boss.

I'll let you check your phone whenevs and I love high-fivin'.

Don't even think of me as a boss.

Just think of me as a cool friend

who has control over your financial wellbeing.

Ah, Stephanie, it's me, Zach.

I'm more of a classic professional boss.

Think of me as a Fortune 500 CEO type,

except the C stands for 'cool'

because I also like high-fiving...

Why are you dressed like that?

Why, this is how I always dress, Broden.

You just wear your crappy shirt, usually.

Ha-ha! Why don't we take this offline and circle back?

I think more of you as the stupid boss.

You said you'd let me do this!

Alright, go. No, it's fine.

You've ruined it anyway, man.

It's stupid anyway.

Uh... Stephanie, it's me, Mark. Bleh.

You could probably tell by that that I'm the goofy one around here.

And you can always find me goofing about.

Like this! (BLOWS RASPBERRY)

(LAUGHS)

(BABBLES)

(LAUGHS) I'm cra...

Wait, wait. I'm not done.

Uh... Uh... Uh...

Quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack.

(LAUGHS) Quack, quack, quack.

Now, Stephanie, this is a very unique thing,

known as a trendy, overpriced Melbourne cafe.

Let us walk you through some of the things that make it so special.

Firstly, this is a door.

It's kind of like a wall, but it has hinges.

You should be writing this down.

When a customer comes in, they'll stand by this sign.

Whatever you do, do not seat them.

Eventually, they will get bored and approach the counter,

at which point whoever is there will say...

Sit wherever. I do not care.

Now, if a customer wants a takeaway coffee,

ask if they have a reusable cup.

And if they say no, look at them

like they've just personally strangled a Galapagos tortoise.

If they say yes,

look at them like this is the hugest inconvenience imaginable.

Like they're trying to stop you

from strangling a Galapagos tortoise.

Why aren't you writing this down?

Now, Stephanie, let's talk merch

because apparently cafes need friggin' merch now.

Take whatever you'd like. We'll just dock it from your pay.

Look - Mark has milk.

People seem to be off dairy these days.

Maybe it's too much udder or too much teat.

So, that's why, at Morning Brown,

we specialise in the milk of the platypus

that secretes through its skin.

(GROANS)

Teat-free.

I regret telling Mark this fact.

Mmm. Platypussy.

(GROANS)

Now, Stephanie, when you're on the floor, you're representing us,

so, we need you to wear our apron.

Now, where's yours?

STEPHANIE: Um... I...

(LAUGHS) Just kidding. Here it is!

(LAUGHS) We'll dock that from your pay.

And never let me catch you without it again.

(LAUGHS) Banter, banter, banter.

Now, when a mother and daughter come in, you want to say...

"Gee, are you two sisters?"

Here we go.

Gee, are you two sisters?

(WOMAN LAUGHS) Yeah, we are.

What's wrong?

I can't lie anymore.

(SNIFFS)

You're my daughter.

I had you when I was 17,

and I was young...

So, Mum's my grandma?

I'm so sorry! I always knew! I always knew!

(CRIES)

This is the availability ledger.

Just chuck your avails in by Wednesday at the latest,

but we're pretty chill.

If you do forget and you can't work, you ARE gonna come in,

I don't care if your sister's your mum or some shit, you ARE comin' in.

Hello.

Some people think of this

as just a job to get a bit of spending money.

But it's not.

This is a career,

like a butter churner or a bushranger.

So, you should think about what you wanna do with the rest of your life.

You can piss-fart around in school with your Englishes and your Maths

and your Soces.

Or you can be like us and join the incredible world

of owning your own hospitality business

in an overcrowded and extremely volatile market.

So, did you get all that?

No.

Seriously? None of it?

No. That was too fast.

So, I'm guessing you just want me to just serve some customers?

(SCREAMS)

(YELLS) What customers?!

Look! We hardly have any customers!

And the ones we do have are loser nerds!

The great thing about board games

is the imagination beats any movie's CGI.

You're a Narvi in my mind.

What the fuck is that shit?!

Damn it, Broden's right!

Our clientele are shit-entele!

Ha! (APPLAUSE)

Thank you.

But how do we get cool new customers?

(YELLS) Do you know how to get cool new customer?!

Why are you yelling at a teenager, you weird old man?!

I'm afraid in my heart!

I'm pretty cool, but. Look at this.

Oh. Oh.

That's pretty cool.

We don't have a HR department, by the way, so...

SONG: # Aunty Donna! #

(THEME MUSIC PLAYS)

# Coffee Cafe!

# Coffee Cafe! #

VOICEOVER:

This kitchen makes authentic Malaysian street food

served by a robot waiter.

It's called 'library'.

This crazy outdoor cafe

only has rations for food

and involves fighting the Germans on the beaches of Normandy,

and it's so exclusive, you can't go there unless you are in the past.

It's called an 'historical event'.

What's that?

Whoa, ay-ay-ay-ay-ay. Don't know what that was. Probably wasn't real clean.

Well, it looks like you've got a secret sexy-cowboy account.

Enough.

I showed you those to demonstrate what cool cafes are doing, alright?

Now, at the moment, we've got customers like this.

Yeah. Big dorks.

Too much hair.

Tiniest dick you've ever seen.

And stinky. Yeah.

And stinky. Yeah, stinky.

What we want to move to is something a little more like this, my boys.

Yeah! Yeah!

Sexy! Ha-ha!

Muscle boy! Cool!

Still got a tiny dick, but he's pretty cool.

BOTH: Yeah!

And we're gonna find these cool customers

by getting a cool, trendy hook.

We already have a cool, trendy hook.

Coffee, sandwiches, a swashbuckling attitude, fear of clocks,

his hand is a hook, flying around with kids.

You're doing Peter Pan. You're doing full Peter Pan there.

Oh...

What about a cafe that uses masculine archetypes

to explore contemporary Australian culture through an absurdist lens?

I told you, no more reading books!

Yeah. I'm sorry. Now, listen.

Who are the coolest people we know?

BOTH: Our parents. Yeah.

And how are we gonna get parents?

BOTH: Ohh!

Ohh!

BOTH: Ohh!

Ohh!

A cheeseboard.

Oh, they love cheeseboards! They love cheeseboards!

Yeah, they love cheeseboards and...

..and maybe a little bit of a selection of cold meats on there.

Yeah!

"Before we have dinner, let's have a little cheeseboard."

Uh... Reverse (BLEEP!) Yeah.

Because if, uh...

..if (BLEEP!) gives... ..if (BLEEP!) gives kids,

then reverse would give you parents.

Now, it's just theoretical at this point...

Mark...

..fetch me the blackboard.

OK. Oh. Go on.

Really good, man. This is gonna get those parents in for sure.

What if someone took advantage of this, Mark?

How? How?

How? How?

How?

How? How?

How could... How?

(HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Can I just pay for table 12, thanks?

Wait a minute.

Are you a man who's shrunk themselves down to kid size

in order to get a free kid's meal?

Yeah, I have, and, honestly, it's the worst decision

I've ever made in my life.

I saw the 'kids eat free' sign

and I thought, "That's a pretty good offer,"

and, you know, I'm pretty impulsive,

so, I just went out and I, you know, created the machine

and $3 billion later, here I am.

A kid's meal's, like, six bucks, man. I know.

It makes no financial sense,

but I didn't have that foresight at the time.

I didn't get any good advice.

If I did, I wouldn't have made this decision

and I wouldn't be stuck like this.

Can you just reverse it or...?

I mean, I thought I could, but...but I can't.

It doesn't work like that.

I thought it would work like that, but it doesn't.

Otherwise, I wouldn't have friggin' made this decision, would I?

Hmm! I hate to say it... Shut up.

OK. That was just a hiccup.

That's not a hiccup. THIS is a hiccup.

(BELCHES)

Oh, my God.

Someone did a big spew-spew.

Well, that was horrific.

I think we should release the mice.

Why would we do that? To attract the cats,

so we have the cats to make the cafe a cat cafe

to get the cat-cafe customers.

(LAUGHS) I think that was pretty obvious.

No mice or cats or, heaven forbid, bats.

Ooh.

We need to do something that's authentic to us and this place.

Well, what are you suggesting?

Well, do you remember when we first came in here

with our landlord, Sally-Anne?

(WASPS BUZZ) Fun fact -

this factory is built on the largest wasp nest

in the Southern Hemisphere.

They're in the walls, in the roof, in the wasp room, everywhere.

And if we were to come in here, you would get rid of the wasps?

No, I can't.

The wasps are Heritage Listed.

They cannot be evicted.

But...

..I can offer you this free hat.

Oh.

I'm convinced.

I think this is gonna be the perfect place

to open our academy of dramatic art.

Hold that thought, Zach.

Instead of turning this place into NIDA 2, better than NIDA,

what if we turn this place

into a cafe?!

We get rid of the wasps.

Find their queen. Eat the queen.

Tables, chairs.

Clean this coffee machine that's already here for some reason.

What I'm saying is could it be wasp-based?

Yes. Like a wasp-flavoured coffee.

Or how about wasps and avocado on toast?

Or, better yet, we strip down, willies out,

we paint our bodies black and yellow, like wasps,

and then we buzz around the cafe.

Bzzz-bzzz, a-buzz, bzzz, a-bzzz.

Hanging over sugary cans of drinks.

Buzz, bzzz.

And all of my ideas are terrible today.

Yeah. And I'm gonna stop.

I'm gonna stop talking.

No more wasp stuff. It's a stupid idea. We're overthinking this.

You're right. There's no need to reinvent the wheel.

(GASPS)

My life's work!

Ah, heightened characters.

It's a great tone for the show.

Earlier today, I was going through the latest glossy mags,

and I found some hot goss on Beck and Leighton Hewitt

but also a list of fun hospitality ideas

that I thought we might be able to try.

But how will we know if they're cool or not?

I mean, I remember a time when we used to think our parents were cool.

Who are the coolest people we know?

BOTH: Our parents.

Oh... Can you imagine?!

(LAUGHS) Can you imagine? Can you imagine?

Ah. Well, that's why I've enlisted the help of Cool Zeke, my cousin.

He's kind of an authority on everything that's cool.

Sup, Zach and Zach's nerd friends?

I'm Cool Zeke.

That's the coolest guy I've ever seen.

(BEAT-BOXES BADLY)

He'll be able to tell us whether our ideas are cool or not.

Radical. (LAUGHS)

(BEAT-BOXES)

Bah-bah-bah, bah-bah-bah, blah, blah, blah.

(BEAT-BOXES BADLY)

Oh, yeah, ba...baby!

Beginning Operation Robot Waiter.

Launch me, Zach.

Y-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-h.

(INHALES SHARPLY)

What do you reckon, Bro-bot?

Don't ask me. You should be asking Cool Zeke.

(BUZZER)

The next one says 'axe throwing'.

Hello! Welcome to Morning Brown axe throwing!

We will help you... (YELLS INDISTINCTLY)

(LAUGHS MANIACALLY)

(BUZZER)

(SIGHS)

(SINGS) # One of us has a vibrator in our bottoms

# Oh, which one of us could it be?

# Yeah!

# One of us has a vibrator in our bottom

# Oh, do you think that it could be me?! #

Ha-ha!

(BUZZING)

(GROANS)

(BUZZING)

(GRUNTS)

BOTH: # Well, is it Broden? # I don't know, maybe

# Or is it Mark? # I don't know, could be

# Or is it Zach? #

(BUZZING)

(BREATHES SHAKILY)

(BUZZING)

Can you turn it off with the remote?

Just get the remote. There's a remote in the...

Where's the remote? We've lost it. We've lost the remote.

(QUIETLY) We lost the remote.

(ZACH BABBLES ANXIOUSLY)

(BUZZER)

Nah.

Nah. No good.

Ohh...

So, no idea so far... (SQUEAKING)

..has worked in any way.

You didn't think the vibrator-up-the-bottom song worked?

No. Did YOU like it?

I liked it, but I don't think it worked.

Yeah, you loved it. I loved it.

It hit my P spot. (SQUEAKING)

Next time... Oi. You been releasing mice?

Yeah.

Wha... What? You said it was OK.

You both said it was OK. No, we didn't.

I remember you saying some shit earlier today, but I couldn't...

I think, sometimes, you're just hard to understand.

Hey, guys, in case this doesn't work out,

do you guys mind if I release the mice now?

I can't understand his thick Italian accent.

Something about pizza.

Ye... Yea... BOTH: Yes.

I can tell you're mad at me, but I still love you

even though you can be very rude.

No, thanks. I'm full of chinotto.

What...? I...

Rude.

(SQUEAKING)

That's the look! Remember where we went for Broden's birthday party?

(LAUGHS)

OK.

Which one of you losers is the birthday boy?

(LAUGHS)

I am. That's so rude.

Here's your cake.

Loser!

(ALL LAUGH)

Is she supposed to be that rude?

BOTH: Yeah, it's part of it. That's so great.

What's wrong, Broden? I'm nervous.

What if I forget my lines? What if I'm not rude enough? What if?

Hey, man, you've got nothing to worry about.

Zach and I are here to back you up. You've got this!

(HUMS)

I love this cafe, Grandpa.

They're not perfect, but they have good hearts.

Um... Here's your sandwich, your dingus.

Pardon?

And your coffee, you double dingus.

I'm sorry... You triple dingus.

Are you OK?

You (BLEEP!)-head.

Oh.

Um...

You nice-head.

Oh. (CHUCKLES)

I have a gun. Oh, my God.

I have a knife.

Oh. Well...

I have a butter knife.

But I've sharpened it to a deadly point!

Then I threw it away!

Oh. (CHUCKLES)

But then I got it back.

And then I threw it away again!

And then... And then...

OK. Um...

Alright. So, there's a man walking.

Maybe he's going to the airport.

OK. Putting his baggage down and...

"Oh, can you look after my bags?" he says.

And then the other guy sneaks around. He's gonna take them bags.

He's gonna put in there...

He's got to put on that man's pants.

Uh-oh, he's been caught!

"You're wearing my pants!" he says.

And then the other guy's like, "Oopsie-poopsie!

"They're your pantsy-wantsies!"

And then he danced around and there was lots of farcical elements to it.

And then, oh, no, he stabbed him to (BLEEP!) death!

Just stabbed the (BLEEP!) shit out of him!

(BLEEP!) blood and shit everywhere!

And then he took his body, took his pants off,

put the pants back on, and he said,

"No-one will ever (BLEEP!) with me again and my pants."

Then he came back in some sort of god form, the pants-stealer,

now transcended,

and he used his electric lightning bolts to take the pants back.

Ah, he had the pants and he ate the pants for power.

And then he ate them. And then he (BLEEP!) the pants out.

He (BLEEP!) the pants out and it hurt.

The man put the pants back on.

And then he had blood in his stool.

He had very bloody stool.

So, the god-pant-stealer went to a doctor

and he said, "I've got blood in my (BLEEP!)"

He goes, "OK, so, I'm just gonna send you for some tests.

"Obviously that could be... it could be cancer."

And then they got results. He's like, "OK, yeah. I went and got the..."

They went and got the X-rays, and said, "OK, so...

"So, it looks like the pants that you ate

"did nothing and everything's OK!"

And then they threw the knife away again!

I'm just gonna have my sandwich, if that's OK.

Thank you so much.

A little play, so...

(CRUNCH!) (YELPS)

(SINGS) # Oh, no... #

(SIREN WAILS) Bye-bye.

Ta-da.

See you later. Bye.

Hooroo. Alright.

Let's check with Cool Zeke.

Rude?

More like...

ALL: Yes! Great!

Rude it is! Agreed.

Rude diner from now on. Rude diner.

Yes. Hey.

Who are you?

I'm Stephanie.

I'm doing a shift here.

You literally gave me a tour of the cafe before.

That's news to me, OK?

Broden, sorry, who are you talking to, mate?

Apparently Stephanie.

Hi. Hi.

Can we make sure you're in an apron if you're on the floor?

Isn't this an apron? Yes, it is.

Good job.

Anyway, um...

..the mice are kind of eating all your muffins and your sandwiches.

Oh, good stuff, Mark, you dickhead!

Hey! The mice were only here to attract the cats,

and they did a pretty good job of that.

Yeah, just one off-putting cat.

Uh-oh.

(GAGS)

The cat looks too much like a nude man for my comfort.

I think I like it. I do,

for it reminds me of Ta-Miu,

companion to the Egyptian King Thutmose,

buried alongside him in his sarcophagus.

I'm poly.

Yeah. I don't like the cat either.

You're right. I don't like the cat. Let's get rid of it.

Let's get rid of the mice too.

They're ruining the rude-diner theme.

Don't worry about the mice. I know a guy.

Who can get rid of them.

And who is that?

SONG: # The Pied Piper plays his pipe

# To lead the mice from the cafe

# The Pied Piper pipes and pipes

# His pipe in the morning

# Morning comes and he plays his pipe

# For he is the Pied Piper

# Piedy, Piedy, Piedy

# Ready to lead the mice in the morning. #

Well, thank God it's working.

How much is this gonna cost us?

Pfft. Don't worry about it.

What do you mean?

I got this covered.

You are gonna pay him, yeah?

Oh, God, Zach.

I cannot believe I have to say this.

You don't know the old saying?

Never pay the Pied Piper.

Ever? Never, ever.

Are... Are you sure?

He's right, you never pay the Pied Piper.

Not a cent. It's bad luck or some bullshit.

I don't know, that doesn't sound right.

I... I reckon you should pay him.

Let me handle it. Alright? I've got this.

Pied Piper, very good. Thanks for that.

That's really lovely.

Thanks a lot. Thanks. That was great.

It seems to be going well. Yeah.

Anyway, well, just hook me up and I'll bounce.

Uh... Sure. Did you want a coffee or something like that?

Nah, just the money and I'll go.

Whoa! (SCOFFS) Come on. You're not gonna charge me, are ya?

(CHUCKLES) Yeah, man.

Alright. Well, would've appreciated a heads-up.

I sent you my rates in an email.

What email? I didn't get any email.

I know when people get my emails.

I have the Chrome extension. I know you've opened it.

Hey, you should be happy for the exposure that this has given you.

OK? Oh, please!

If you're gonna be a dickhead, give me the heads-up.

It seems to be going badly now.

Yeah, yeah.

Come on, we're trying to run a business here!

And I'm not? Oh, oh, this is a business?

Legitimate. Legitimate. Oh, this is a business, is it?

(BOTH ARGUE SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY)

Dirtiest place I've ever seen in my fucking life.

Excuse me? Skanky, skanky shit.

Skanky? Skanky?! Skanky.

Get the fuck out...

Fuck off! ..of my fucking establishment!

Son of a bitch!

Fucking hell!

Seemed to go pretty well.

I don't know, he se...seemed pretty upset to me, man.

Ah, what's he gonna do?!

SONG: # Pied Piper's pissed off

# You've pissed off the Pied Piper (KIDS SCREAM)

# You have pissed him off Now he's come to get ya. #

(KIDS SCREAM) Always pay...

(SINGS) # The Pied! #

Piper.

(KIDS SCREAM) Pfft! This is it?

There's, like, four kids.

Four hungry kids.

Yeah, so?

(KIDS SCREAM)

These nice men will feed you whatever you want, kiddies.

Adios.

Au revoir. Arrivederci.

Yo, all, look you mob later.

Or maybe I won't.

(KIDS SCREAM)

Oh, my God. We legally have to feed them.

It's on the sign! Just wipe it off!

I can't be bothered! Ohh!

The mice have eaten all the food! We have no food!

(KIDS SCREAM)

Not ALL the food.

Cat soup for the children.

Cat soup will fix all problems?

(KIDS SCREAM)

Yes.

(KIDS SCREAM)

OK.

Cat soup.

Cat soup. Yes. Cat soup.

Yeah. Yes, cat s...

No!

What are we doing?

Cat SOUP?!

We're boiling cats in water now?!

This is a cafe!

We should be boiling them in coffee.

You're right. No!

Mark's right.

What ARE we doing?

We should wash the cat before we boil it.

Food safety is no joke.

You're right.

No, what are we doing?!

Cat soup will only go so far.

We must feed the cat soup to the children

in order to make children soup.

And then the children will all be gone.

And we'll have all the soup.

(WHOOSH!)

Wasps.

(WASPS BUZZ)

Wasps! Wasps!

Waps! Wasps!

Waps!

Sorry. It's alright.

WASPS. Wasps.

ALL: Wasps! Wasps! Wasps!

Life's amazing! So, go out there, get... Go out there...

No way this guy isn't adding.

VOICEOVER: So, there's this cafe in Melbourne

that's literally filled with angry, aggressive wasps.

(WASPS BUZZ) (KIDS SCREAM)

It's got a cursed cat, screaming children with deadly axes

and the staff are so rude, they won't even take your order.

Get out of here, arseholes!

This cafe has too many hooks.

Morning Brown is clearly a meta comment

on how it seems like every cafe has to have a hook these days.

Stop swatting the wasps!

They're Heritage Listed!

Protect the delicious queen!

It's so cool.

(SCREAMS)

You know, spending all this time cleaning

has given me the space to reflect on who we are

and what makes this cafe special.

Sure, our customers might be fedora-wearing nerds...

Au contraire.

While the fedora was considered passe in the mid-2000s,

it is now an item of style.

..I do think there might be a lesson in this.

This whole time, we've been trying to find out what was cool.

But what if the coolest thing...?

Hey, can you do that shit in the kitchen?

Yeah.

(MUFFLED) I used to think being cool

was being a rock star or a billionaire...

I don't want to learn. Me neither.

Let's just not do hooks. Agreed.

So, did I get the job?

Ah, Stephanie, welcome to the first day of the rest of your life.

You already did this bit earlier today.

Has this all been one day?

Apparently.

I could have sworn it was at least a week.

Yeah. You got the job. I'll send you your roster on Thursday.

Sick.

Before you go, enjoy the perks of working at a cafe

and take home this free bag of wasps.

(BUZZING)

You guys are fucked.

We ARE fucked.

Heh. Cool.

(CHUCKLES)

What up, Cool Zeke?

Oh, hey, Cool Brenda!

What up?

NM. U?

Just being cool.

Oh! Oh!

Hey, let's go skateboardin' time.

ALL: Skateboard!

Take some weight. Skateboard.

I wonder what our loser cousins are doing right now.

# Having a cool time Cool rapping is sublime. #

# Aussie! I say Aussie! #

I'm Cool Meat.

Nothing cooler than a scab.

I'm cool. Let's try doing some cool tricks.

Surf's up.

Have you seen the crowd, bro? Yeah.

Pose.

Captions by Red Bee Media

Copyright Australian Broadcasting Corporation