Original subtitles

‐ASTRID: Let's dissect this monster mo‐fo! [Squelching]

Ugh.

[Exploding innards]

‐LILLY: Oh!

I'm gonna barf.

‐He's so full of the creepy goo.

Oh, God.

[Squelching]

‐Is this it?

It has those fuzzy swirly thingies.

‐Uh.

Fascinating extracellular matrix.

[Gentle music]

But I don't think so.

It's supposed to be more dick‐shaped.

Oh, you know what?

I think "Tontoom" basically means tongue.

So, yeah, just rip out his tongue.

‐Just?

‐Here, I'll do it.

[Pulsing energetic music]

I got it!

‐Okay.

‐Ohh.

‐Oh! Ugh.

Oh, look on the bright side:

only nine more of these and we can close the portal.

‐Oh, great.

Just in time for Formal.

[Chuckling] [Sigh]

[Screaming]

[Energetic music]

♪♪ They can see What they wanna see ♪♪

♪♪ Don't agree? Don't agree. ♪♪

♪♪ I'ma keep being me, keep being me ♪♪

♪♪ I don't care ♪♪

♪♪ They can leave when they wanna leave ♪♪

♪♪ They can leave ♪♪

‐I feel like Olivia Benson should be featured more.

Or does she like where she is?

‐Get some friends. ‐Get out of my room!

[Sigh]

‐Oh.

‐Aw, I love that we're next to Alias.

‐Check it out!

‐Thanks, Moms.

[Gasp] ‐What are you doing?

‐Mom!

Shit, I'm going to be late.

[Astrid and Lilly whooping]

‐Ah, girl, I've been waiting for this all day!

‐Me too, girl.

‐Ohh!

This song makes me want to write poetry

in a field of daffodils.

‐This song makes me want to dry hump

in the back of a pickup truck at Burger King.

[Laughter]

♪♪ I was on fire for you ♪♪

♪♪ Where did you go? ♪♪

It's true!

Okay, so, to conclude the research from last night...

‐Yes. ‐Dance clubs are over.

But video arcades are happening.

‐Confirmed. ‐Whoof!

‐Almost here.

‐ASTRID: Time to study the inner workings

of what cool kids do at night.

‐Ooh.

New Patrol Mission,

commencing now.

[Crickets chirping]

‐Jackpot. ‐You got him?

‐Okay, well, I can't see a thing

but I'm pretty sure I see an upside down cross.

So hot.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

The subject is in frame!

Hello, Sparrow.

Yeah, that's right, baby,

you stretch that sexy bod.

You gonna take those itchy pants off for mama?

‐Down, Sparky! ‐Like you wouldn't hit it.

‐You know I'm saving myself for my soulmate.

Can we just focus on the cultural task at hand, please?

‐Okay, okay.

‐Do you see any, like, movie posters or books?

‐I think I spy an iguana cage...

And, oh,

an SNFU poster?

Maybe we should give 'em a listen.

‐Yeah, I'll add it to the list.

‐How about bitchface Candace?

‐Not sure.

[Mysterious music]

Her porch light is on and it never is.

‐What was that? ‐What?

Ooh, weird. Oh, he dropped something.

‐Who the heck is sneaking around in her backyard?

[Car unlocks, horn honks]

[Car door closes] [Engine turns over]

‐That ain't Tate's car.

There's something there.

I'm gonna go get it.

‐Careful! ‐Okay.

[Mischievous music]

‐What? What? What did you get?

Show me.

‐What random dude is taking pictures of Candace?

‐Whoa.

Hella weird.

‐Okay, I gotta write this down.

‐Okay. ‐Okay.

‐Um...

Icy grey SUV.

‐Mm‐hm, yeah.

‐Crumpled photo found at the scene.

‐Slouching. ‐Uh‐huh.

‐Adult male.

Six‐two.

Seemed sad.

Thoughtful.

Why was he sneaking around in Candace's backyard?

‐Candace.

Cheating on sexy boyf, Tate?

["Lovely Little Frankenstein" by SNFU plays]

‐Huh. ‐Hm.

[Song plays on phone]

‐You really think

us blasting music like this

SNFU stuff is gonna make people want to hang out with us?

‐Like, I mean, it might?

[Turns off song] I don't know, Lils.

I thought the whole point was just to figure out

how to blend in and not be so "us."

‐But I love us.

‐Just like I love

Sparrow's creamy translucent skin.

I love us too, Lils.

[Gentle music]

Oh!

I am gonna pull prints off this tomorrow,

just in case.

‐Good call.

Does this make us creepy?

‐No!

This makes us Olivia Benson.

[Bag crinkling] ‐Mm.

Ah, oh!

Sparrow's first nipple ring.

‐You know, Sparrow's going to the party tonight.

‐Piper, get out of my room!

‐What party tonight? ‐The party at Tate's.

‐How would you know this? You're 12.

‐I'm connected. ‐lt's a Sunday night!

‐lt's what the cool kids are doing.

[Upbeat music]

‐No!

No.

‐And here we are!

And Sparrow's in there and I look fly as hell!

‐Hm.

‐And I know there are some honeys in there

just dying to get a piece of your jelly.

‐Mm, I don't know.

‐I do know!

[Gentle music]

Let's do this. Let's go.

Oh, my God, we're here, we're here, we're here.

‐Out on a Sunday. Rock & roll, ladies!

For you and for you.

‐Thanks, Val!

‐Oh! Are you...?

‐Oh, no, my gosh.

For the millionth time, I'm not crying.

It's just allergies.

Okay, cool, have fun! Bye!

‐TATE: No, it was crazy.

There was, like, seven defenders on me.

‐There's Candace and Tate.

They're totally having sex, right?

You know, I bet his butt feels like a hard dinner roll.

Or like the curve

of a ripe plum.

Or like two peeled honeydew melons.

‐What are you staring at, FatAsstrid?

Let's go, babe.

‐lmma blow that off. Let's just keep going.

Let's go.

♪♪

I swear to God he just looked at me.

‐Mm‐hm.

‐Oh, my God. Shut up!

‐lt's not my fault my mom won't let me go to Formal.

‐Since when do you ever do what she says?

‐I don't. I'm just trying to keep the peace

so I can get her to let me go to LA this summer.

‐Mm, so if you stay here you'd be stuck with me.

‐That's not what I said!

‐Whatever. Why don't you just leave town?

‐lt's like...

‐TATE: I mean, why even stay?

‐...kind of okay here. You drink your drink?

‐TATE: Go.

‐You're being such an asshole.

‐Well, should we talk to anyone?

‐Why do you guys keep staring at me?

‐Oh! We, um...

Are you okay?

‐Gross.

‐Can we just go home?

‐Sure, they're officially killing my Sparrow‐boner.

[Lilly sighs]

‐What're you looking at?

And why are you guys even here? I didn't invite you.

‐Don't worry about it. We're outta here.

‐You know, you should do us all a favor

and get back in that little weird patrol car

you're always in and never come out.

That's what you call it, right?

Patrol?

More like Pudge Patrol!

[Laughter]

‐You're a monster!

‐Check out a mirror.

‐Let's go.

I hate that asshole.

I wish he'd just evaporate.

[Crickets chirping]

[Sniffle]

‐Pudge Patrol?

God, I want to die.

How does he even know we've been patrolling?

‐For all we know,

he's been following us.

Perv!

‐I'm just

so sick

of being treated like we're

sub‐human.

‐Me too.

But you know we're not, right?

We are awesome.

Maybe they're the subhumans and...

we're the normal ones.

‐He called us...

monsters.

[Trembling inhale]

Are we really that gross?

‐No.

No! Why?

Just because we have a few extra luscious curves?

And weird,

fun extracurriculars?

No‐no‐no‐no‐no‐no.

I refuse to let some idiot chodebag

tell us who we are.

He doesn't even know us.

And, what, he gets to be a total dick to us

because his butt's hard

and he kicks a ball around a field?

What is that even?

[Sigh] ‐Yeah.

[Both sighing]

‐I think I might know what'll make us feel better.

[Whoosh] [Mysterious music]

[Lilly laughing]

Let's burn the son‐of‐a‐beast.

‐Whoa!

I'm liking this fury.

‐This crap will help it burn, right?

‐Probably. [Fire whooshes]

Ohh...

[Giggling]

We want you all to just disappear!

‐Eff those haters!

We want Tate to just...

evaporate!

‐You're the monsters, not us!

‐Let's dance 'em out of our bodies!

Get out!

Get!

[Inspirational music]

[Vocalizing]

[Laughing]

‐Oh, and now,

make sea kelp arms!

[Laughing]

‐Now, um,

stare up at the moon and howl!

[Howling]

Oh, my God!

‐Now, we want you all to evaporate!

‐Say it backwards.

‐Yeah.

‐Etaropave...

Ot...

lla...

Ouy... tnaw...

Yeah!

‐BOTH: Ew!

[Laughing]

[Thunder crashing]

[Echoing voices]

‐Uh, weird.

‐Yeah.

Cool coincidence.

Oh, shit!

Curfew!

‐Go‐go‐go‐go‐go! ‐You have the keys?

‐Yeah! ‐Give me them.

[Giggling]

‐Uh, thanks, pal.

I feel so much better!

‐I know, me too! Okay, that was so much fun.

‐Love you. Mwah!

[Eerie music]

[Evil laughter]

‐She left my party. Next she'll leave me.

Stupid Candace.

I'm just gonna be alone. [Thunder rumbles]

‐TEARJERKER: Tate.

‐Hello?

‐Come closer.

Why don't you join me at my party?

[Thunder rumbles]

♪♪

[Light airy music] [Boom] ‐Ouch! Ow.

What the...?

‐NEWS REPORTER: Local crime stoppers

reported a missing woman,

last seen crying at the city central bus station.

‐Gross, Mom.

What are you cooking?

‐...please notify the Copper Cove‐‐

‐lf my mom pitches Gateway to God

one more time, I swear to God...

‐Sorry, girl!

[Thumping] [Feedback]

‐Good morning, Fighting Ferrets!

It's finally here!

The big event you've all been waiting for...

Midterms!

JK.

The Soccer Formal!

So, without further ado...

I give you Michelle!

[Button clicking] [Feedback]

‐Soccer Formal tix are offish on sale.

There's a sign‐up sheet inside the caf.

I will be announcing the theme later this week

so make sure you write in a suggestion.

Oh, and make them good this year,

for once.

‐I know it's kinda cliché, but

I really wanted to go to the dance.

‐Me too, girl.

Hey, worse comes to worse,

I'll be your date.

‐What? You with moi?

I'd be honored!

[Giggles]

[Feedback]

‐Uh, one more thing, guys.

This is probably nothing, but the police got a call

from Tate Hudson's father.

Tate appears to be missing this morning.

If anyone has seen him today, come to my office!

And you know me: my office hours are every hour.

‐EGGS: Statistically, it's nearly impossible

to find a missing person after 72 hours.

If a person's been missing for more than seven years,

in some states, they can be legally declared deceased.

‐Jeez, Eggs.

‐Tate is probably fine.

‐I heard that he left the party crying.

‐I heard he has a side piece in the city.

‐Oh, my gosh!

‐You have a safe and beautiful day,

Fighting Ferrets!

Squeak, squeak! [Thunder crashing]

‐Ow! Oh!

‐Sorry! Nothing! Sorry.

‐What was that outburst? Are you okay?

‐Yeah. This is going to sound crazy,

but every time the lightning flashes,

I get a spasm in my leg.

‐Tate?

Where the hell are you?

‐You don't think we did that, right?

‐Ha! I wish we had the power to make assholes disappear!

[Malevolent music]

[Tate sobbing]

[Tears dripping]

‐I don't need a fashion fund.

I've already got the hottest new accessory.

My new, favorite portable Bunsen burner,

Bunny!

All right, everyone, enough fun.

Turn your books to page 20.

‐Oh, my God, what is that smell?

Horseradish?

‐I don't smell anything. ‐You don't!?

How?

[Brooding music]

‐Yes, Eggs.

‐How come the storm clouds today

don't look like standard cumulonimbus clouds?

‐lt's probably because the thermal rose so quickly.

[Thunder] ‐Oh!

Oh!

[Camera shutter clicking] [School bell ringing]

[Bushes rustling]

‐Hey, here are your photos from last night.

‐Thanks, Jonas.

Oh, and sorry for the stealth exit through the garden.

‐Another patrol mystery solved!

‐I think we got some good shots for your portfolio.

And if you need any more copies anytime just let me know, okay?

‐Yeah, for sure. ‐Yeah.

‐So, are you, uh, getting back into acting?

I'm telling you: it was so weird.

I‐I could have sworn I saw something outside

the window in art class.

I had my camera and I saw something

like, rustling in the trees.

I don't‐‐ I can't even explain to you. Like‐‐

‐BRB. Emergency.

[Airy music]

‐Anyways, like I was saying,

I definitely saw rustling in the trees, though.

‐Or did you fall asleep watching Twilight Zone again?

‐Gotta get a jump on the pepperoni

before Pudge Patrol clears it out.

[Students laughing] [Sigh]

‐Come on, let's get outta here.

Well, I guess we have a new nickname.

‐Yeah, this one really stings.

‐Screw them.

What do you want to do tonight?

Some light breaking and entering, perhaps?

[Bathroom door opens]

‐MICHELLE: I hope Tate's okay.

He's obvi my ideal court king for Formal!

‐So, I have some goss from my brother

who works at the police station.

I could get in so much trouble for this‐‐

‐Dish!

Pinky swear I won't say anything.

You know you're my BFFesty 4L.

‐Well, apparently,

a few officers got called to Brighton Creek Trail.

They found Tate's school ID, but no sign of him.

[Ominous music] ‐What?

‐lt's like he evaporated, or something.

‐No.

You're kidding!

‐Oh!

Holy shit, Astrid! Evaporated!

‐Lils, it's a common word;

coincidence!

Speaking of, you gotta stop

with the psychosomatic guilt yelps.

‐They're not psychosomatic and they hurt like hell!

You don't feel different at all?

‐No. I mean, the smell of breakfast

made me extra nauseated this morning,

but what else is new?

‐What about science class? Horseradish?

‐ Lils, we didn't do anything.

We burned a Hacky Sack, danced around the yard

and yelled some stuff into the universe.

People do it all the time.

‐Can we please check it out tonight?

For science?

[Mysterious music]

[Thunder cracks]

‐Now, who here pissed off God and brought these storm clouds?

‐Mom.

‐How was school, sweetie?

What's in the envelope?

Those better not be the headshots

that I told you not to take.

‐No, it's just homework.

‐I know you wouldn't lie to me.

‐Don't really have a choice.

[Thunder rumbles]

[Unsettling music]

‐THEATER GAL: You coming back, Val?

‐Yeah, I'll be back to rehearsals in a moment.

My allergies are just killing me!

[Crickets chirping]

[Mysterious music]

[Sneezing] [Coughing]

[Unsettling music]

[Tree leaves rustling]

[Sneezing and coughing continues]

‐TEARJERKER: Hello,

Valerie.

Alone again,

like always.

It's a shame

that your melodramatic personality

pushes everyone away.

I could drink you right up, Valerie.

[Moaning]

In fact, I think I will.

[Crying]

[Unsettling music]

‐ASTRID: Whoa.

What exactly are we looking for?

‐LILLY: Not sure. Um...

[Mysterious music]

[Owl hooting in distance]

Oh, I think that flag marks where Tate's ID was found.

Ouch!

Oh.

Oh, my leg!

[Gasps]

What is this stuff?

‐Uh, like, honestly...

I have no idea.

[Lily groans in pain]

‐lt's disgusting.

It's so squishy.

‐Ach! Almost smells like...

burnt pickles.

[Astrid sniffs]

‐Oh, my God, what is happening?

My leg won't stop freaking out on me.

It's like it's being drawn to the goo.

Uh, Astrid?

I think I found something!

‐Is that a broken fingernail?

A seven‐inch long

broken fingernail?

‐Looks like it.

Bag it up.

‐Oh, God. [Leaves rustling]

‐Hello?

[Leaves rustling nearby]

‐Aah...

[Foreboding music]

[Panicked breathing]

[Both screaming]

‐B‐b‐ack off, buddy!

Oh, shit.

I'm gonna die at the hands of a hottie with a body.

‐BRUTUS: Relax, I'm not going to kill you.

[Scoffs] I'm actually here to protect you

from the thing that wants to kill you, so, you're welcome.

‐Wait. What?

‐Who the hell are you and wh‐what do you mean

that thing that wants to kill us?

‐Okay, so, I'm Brutus.

Long story short: a portal to another dimension was opened.

End‐of‐the‐world type thing: bad guys, monsters...

The sort of thing you see in the movies.

The thing is that this portal wasn't just opened by itself.

No, it was opened by...

you.

B‐T‐dubs,

who hurt you, hm?

This portal is no joke.

Only humans with severe pain can open that portal.

‐We're stuck in the woods

with a crazy mofo who thinks monsters are real!

Lilly, run!

‐What about that spell you did?

Hm?

‐Oh, I told you! ‐Okay, what spell?

‐Oh, you know, the one where you were standing

7.263 feet from each other.

The copper, the fir tree bark

and the pièce de résistance

when you were howling your intense pain at the moon.

"Ahh..."

‐And then we said, "We want you all to evaporate" backwards!

‐What? No.

No, no ‐ only the stuff that I said.

‐Wait, why are we listening to this lunatic?

‐And you really should have known better than to do it

on the third Sunday of the ninth month during a pink moon.

Come on...

Since you're the ones who opened it,

you are also the only ones who can close it.

Otherwise, humanity sort of...

disappears.

No biggie.

‐This cannot be real. You cannot be real.

We were just messing around!

It was all fake!

We were just blowing off steam

from the hostile jerks at school!

‐Yeah, well, the good news

is that your connection to the portal

is actually increasing your senses.

The leg cramps, the weird smells...

That's your powers kicking in.

‐Hey, look, hot guy,

you're dropping an insane amount

of batshit craziness on us.

And why the hell would we believe you?

‐Because I'm from the dimension you opened.

I'm your guide. Your‐your Brutus.

[Laughs] Your, um...

your "Giles," in terms you humans might understand.

‐Huh. Nice try.

‐Okay.

Proof. I really hate this part.

Yeah, messes up the whole 'do.

[Sharp nasal exhale]

[Crackling]

I know: not a good look.

‐Nice special effects makeup.

You tell Tate, or Candace, or whoever

to kiss my fat ass!

We'll never go to one of their parties again, hm?

They win! Come on, Lilly, let's go.

This dude is psycho! Come on!

‐Look, I can't make you stay.

Rule number 6795C, but you really should know:

the thing that has your friend is called a Tearjerker

and it targets literally anything that cries,

for any reason at all.

‐We've gotta go. Let's go!

‐And if you happen to be sad AF,

‐then it really wants you. ‐Come on, Lilly.

It will say to you the deepest, darkest thing you fear the most.

Oh, and you should really know

your friend only has 26 hours!

‐I'm not listening to a horny guy in the woods!

[Whimpering and crying]

[Foreboding music]

‐Why can't I stop crying?

‐I don't know.

I can't either.

[Sniffling and sobbing]

‐Let all those tears out,

my miserable lovelies!

[Maniacal laughter]

[Thumping techno music]

And I'll tell you why...

you can't stop

crying:

because you're excellent party guests!

Ahh...

Damn, I love these sweet beats.

‐I know this monster thing is disgusting,

but is he also kind of sexy?

Like a sexy daddy

who deals party drugs?

‐Gross, but yes, exactly.

‐I know you're not quite ready yet,

but daddy wants a tear‐tini.

[Maniacal laughter]

[Deep sniff and exhale]

I think it might need a little garnish.

[Woman whimpering]

[Woman crying]

[Scream]

[Squelching]

Perfect.

[Tate screams]

[Organ music] ‐CHRISTINE: Now, speaking of sin...

let's talk about the upcoming fertile ground for sin:

the Soccer Formal.

And don't give me that look, okay?

I was young once, too,

and we all know what happens at those things.

So, I am here to ask you

what would you rather have inside you:

The Lord's light

or the devil's penis?

‐Jesus, Mom.

‐Exactly, Jesus.

Ding, ding, ding! Hm.

That's my girl.

You got it, for the win.

Okay, I'll be right back.

Just going to powder my holy nose.

Hm.

[Conspiratorial music]

[Hushed boom]

[Shaky breathing]

I knew it!

Lord, why have you forsaken me?

Send me

an angel of mercy

to vanquish that devil teacher,

Jonas,

who took these disgusting photos

before he becomes a worse influence

on my precious daughter.

‐That couldn't have been real, right?

Someone's screwing with us, right?

Who do you think it is?

‐I honestly don't know what to think.

‐Well, what does it say again?

‐Um...

Rule 7.85b,

closing the portal:

Collect the following ten monster body parts:

a krivack from a

J‐Z‐Z‐X‐X‐S‐H

an A‐borg from a Memoragatu;

and a bunch of other words I don't understand.

‐There must be a logical explanation.

There always is.

‐A horn came out of his head.

‐Yeah.

Yeah, there is that.

At first, I thought Pilar cyst

but those don't present like that.

‐What if he was telling the truth?

‐But what about science?

‐What about everything else?

‐That would mean there are actually monsters

in Coppers Cove.

And...

it's all our fault.

‐And if that is true,

then that means there's something called a Tearjerker

eating people's tears and holding them hostage!

[Sigh] And if somehow Tate has been taken or hurt

because of us,

then I guess that means...

‐Oh, son of a bitch.

We gotta find that asshole.

How else will we know?

[Thunder clap]

‐Ohh! My leg!

‐God, that smell! Ugh, ew.

‐VARSHIDI: Good afternoon, Ferrets!

I'm giving out free...

‐ASTRID: It's just a normal school day.

Just like any other day.

Absolutely nothing insane happened last night.

[Thud]

See? Normal.

‐I'm a monster hunter.

What?

I opened a portal. What?

Of monsters. What?

‐GIRL: Have you seen Valerie? She wasn't on the bus.

‐Oh, no: her allergies! It got Val!

‐Let's not jump to conclusions yet.

‐Okay, but what if it did?

[Whoosh]

[Bright upbeat music]

‐You know you're not as subtle as you think you are.

‐Uh, uh, so you're talking to me now?

‐I never didn't talk to you.

‐Uh, mmkay.

Ever since you got cool and I got fat,

we haven't exactly been buddies.

‐lt's not like you've given me the time of day

since Astrid came to town.

So, um...

do you...

Do you have any leads?

‐Let's say, TBD.

Have you heard anything from him?

‐Pfft. You tell me.

You're the creeper stalking everyone around town, right?

‐Right. Cool, have a nice life.

‐Oh, sorry. Um...

No offense.

I‐I heard about the Pudge Patrol thing.

I'm sure Tate didn't mean for it to spread.

‐Well, as long as he didn't mean it.

‐Well, I'm sorry.

‐So, your jerk boyfriend...

Have you heard from him or what?

‐No. Nothing.

‐Crap.

‐You know, he's not...

always an asshole.

Unlike me.

[Chuckling]

‐For those of you who signed up for formal decorations committee

because you care,

very cool. For those of you

forced to sign up because of detention, Sparrow,

if you beef up my dance, I will end you.

Got it?

First official meeting is tomorrow during lunch.

Don't be late.

[Sucks teeth]

‐Oh, shit. Tears.

Yo, she‐she didn't mean anything by it.

Are you crying under there?

It probably doesn't matter,

but maybe i‐it does so stop!

Just in case.

[Tender music]

‐You're a weird girl.

[Indistinct conversations]

‐Oh, I could just... Uh!

‐Oh, hey.

‐I think my Sparrow deflowering dreams are done forever.

‐Oh.

‐But I do think I've maybe saved his life,

so there's that.

‐Oh, no! And... cool?

So, I talked to Candace and I kinda resolved some stuff.

‐Ew! You talked to Princess Turd‐vomit?

How was that?

‐lt was fine. ‐Fine?

‐Mm‐hm. ‐That's it?

‐What is that face?

‐What face?

[Deep bass boom]

There is a weird‐looking

mystical golden orb in there.

[Mysterious music]

‐Goddamn it, Unicorn Boy.

Way to pile it on.

Can't we just quietly ignore this all away?

‐I don't think so.

‐Like we need another reason

for people to think we're freakshows.

‐You are freakshows.

‐Hello, monster hunters.

Jesus!

Use me to hold the ten body parts

needed to close the portal.

‐Is he frickin' serious?

Step one:

retrieve the Tontoom from the Tearjerker.

His body is weak, but his urge to kill is strong.

And if you haven't figured it out yet,

follow your nose and leg,

AKA your monster‐tracker superpowers.

I can't believe these are the powers we get!

[Intriguing music]

How does it work?

[Hissing] Oh, heh‐heh.

‐BOTH: Time for some recon.

‐I'll get the car.

[Exciting music]

‐Ugh. ‐Where are we?

‐This is where my leg told me to take us.

‐Well, what's your leg saying now?

‐Cold.

Cold.

Warm. [Astrid sniffs]

Warmer.

Hot, hot. What's your nose saying?

‐Ah, same!

Man, lamest powers ever.

‐Oh! My leg stopped.

But it's...

throbbing like a mofo from all this cramping.

‐I like it when you talk dirty.

But yeah, same. My nose stopped, too.

‐I‐I need to sit down a sec.

‐Yeah. BRB. I gotta pee so bad.

‐I'll be here, heh, massaging myself.

‐Ah, yeah, get it, girl!

‐You know what I mean!

[Sighing]

Oh, okay...

[Mysterious music]

Ouch!

Yeah, great power.

Hey‐hey Astrid?

Hm.

[Echoing sobs in distance]

Astrid?

‐TEARJERKER: Try again, Lilly.

[Evil laughter]

Well, look who it is.

It's my number one portal‐opening party girl.

I've been waiting to invite you to my very special party.

You're not normally invited to parties.

Is that right?

Oh, no.

Did I hit a nerve?

[Sobbing]

You're not going to cry, are you?

‐Please...

‐Let it out.

[Snorts]

Shit, that tastes...

good!

You know why?

It's because you hate yourself.

‐Oh, no.

‐Sh, sh, sh, sh, sh.

Now sad...

it tastes good

but worthless

is delicious.

‐Well, I'm... I'm not.

‐Sure you are, girlfriend.

Now just give daddy one more taste

before we get started.

[Squelching]

[Scream]

‐Lilly! Get the hell away from my friend!

[Grunt]

‐Ooh!

[Roar]

Come on. Let's go.

Keep the flashlight, tear jerkoff!

[Upbeat exciting music]

[Laughing]

[Heavy breathing]

Ah, oh...

Oh, my God.

Lilly, are you okay?

‐You saved my life.

‐You were right: this shit's real.

Oh, crap, I'm so‐‐

I'm so glad you're okay.

What?

What happened back there?

You seem...

so sad.

‐lt was awful.

He told me the truth...

What I already knew.

That I'm worthless.

‐Lilly,

you are the farthest thing from worthless.

You're the most important person in my life.

‐Then why do people keep telling it to me

if it's not true?

‐Because some people are idiots!

And that thing's a literal monster.

[Tender music]

You were the only one smart enough to see

what was actually happening.

And who could be worthless with such a badass

leg cramp superpower?

Huh?

Now, how do we kill this psycho butt‐face monster thing?

‐Okay.

[Upbeat music]

Okay.

Ten monster body parts...

place them in orb...

yada, yada, yada...

Um...

Tearjerker! Found it.

Okay, listen to this.

‐Cut out his Tontoom,

permeate him with Krontoxix cocktail.

[Sighs] Cool.

Yeah, easy peasy.

Clear as day.

‐I see you found what I left in your mailbox.

‐Oh!

It's called a locker

and it's extremely public.

How do you expect us to keep a low profile about all this?

‐Oh, you'd be surprised.

People see what they wanna see.

Most people, you know, just forget,

or they'll invent their own explanation.

Anyway, I just came to bring you this.

It'll take the Tearjerker right out.

You ran away before I could give it to you.

Just mix it in with some stolen victim tears

and some elephant tranquilizer.

‐Where are we gonna get elephant tra‐‐?

And you're sure he has Tate?

And Valerie and the woman who went missing?

‐Yes.

Usually distills his victims for 48 hours

before he kills them.

To‐to wring out as much despair as possible.

Hm.

For when he drains and drinks the bodily fluids.

Friends, come on. I...

‐Oh!

‐Anyway, you have about...

eight hours left to get to them.

And remember: if you don't get the Tontoom,

then you can't close the portal

and if you can't close the portal

then the world just...

[Pops lips]

Dies.

Good luck!

‐But, wait! What's a Tontoom?

[Frustrated sigh]

‐Hey, Astrid!

‐What?

‐Got a little something in your hair.

Is that blood?

‐Um...

I think so.

‐Cool.

[Bright music]

[Funky electro music]

[Astrid laughs]

♪♪ We ferocious ♪♪

[Electro music ends abruptly]

‐Let's do this.

‐Oh, my God, this is insane.

I honestly don't know if I can do this, Astrid.

‐You are stronger than you think.

‐Oh...

I'm scared.

‐I'm right behind you. ‐Okay.

‐Just you and me, Lils.

Hey, we're the only ones who can save the world.

Just us.

It's kinda cool when you think about it.

‐Maybe being us ain't so bad after all.

‐Hm.

‐Pudge Patrol:

armed and ready for some mega ass‐kicking.

‐Oh, my God! Pudge Patrol!

Takin' it back! You're a genius!

[Crying]

‐TATE: Help! Help.

Help!

[Sobbing]

[Tearjerker vocalizing excitedly]

[Upbeat techno music]

‐Ah, ooh, uh!

‐Okay.

Let's do this.

Okay.

Love you.

[Sobbing continues]

Good luck.

[Tearjerker laughs]

‐ Hey, Jerkface, wanna go again?

‐A return guest!

My favourite!

[Whimpering]

‐Sh‐sh‐sh.

‐Welcome...

to the paaartyyy!

You poor thing...

Don't you know

faking confidence doesn't make you any less...

worthless?

[Squelching]

‐Astrid! Now!

‐Taste this!

‐Ah!

[Sizzling]

[Gagging]

‐Whoa.

‐I think it's stopping.

‐Let's dissect this mofo and get the hell outta here!

[Squelching]

[Exploding innards]

‐Uh, gross!

‐Is this it? [Squelching]

‐Oh, you know what?

I think "Tontoom" basically means tongue.

‐Ha!

I got it!

‐Okay.

‐Ugh.

‐Ew...

‐Ugh.

‐Oh, look on the bright side:

only nine more of these and we can close the portal.

‐Oh, great. Just in time for Formal.

[Laughter]

[Screaming]

[Sobbing]

‐Look out!

[Growling]

‐TEARJERKER: Astrid...

I can see why your mom is so deeply ashamed of you.

Always ruining everything.

‐LILLY: Go hide over here.

‐Pitiful. I'm going to put you out of your misery right now!

‐Wait! Some party.

All your snacks are gone.

[Tense music]

Who's the sad one now?

[Chemical hissing] [Roar]

[Thudding to ground]

[Explosive breath]

‐I've officially decided

parties are overrated.

[Astrid and Lilly sobbing in relief]

Okay. Come on.

‐I'm dehydrated.

‐ASTRID: Yeah, don't got no water right now.

[Unintelligible whispers]

Okay, we'll get you water.

‐Ow! ‐Oh, sorry.

‐Are you okay?

‐I don't know.

What just happened? Wh‐what was that? Was...

Was that a monster?!

‐Look, it's a long story,

but right now we just need to get you and Val home, okay?

I'll explain on the way. ‐Who's Val?

‐She goes to school with us.

She was at your party!

‐Really?

‐Maybe you need to get your head out of your ass.

‐I don't know what to say.

‐You can start by thanking us,

Pudge Patrol,

for drowning in monster guts to save your life!

‐Pudge Patrol.

We're takin' it back!

Oh, and, uh, don't worry,

we won't tell anyone about us rescuing you.

In fact, we probably

shouldn't talk about this to, like, anyone.

‐Yeah, cover story. Good idea.

‐Right? ‐Mm‐hm.

‐Yeah, sure.

Nobody would believe monsters are real.

Or that I spent more than five minutes

with you dorks, anyway, so we're cool.

‐Hm.

‐Also, thanks.

‐Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Monster!

‐Oops. Just a shadow.

‐I had the weirdest dream

that I was in a drug den with a sexy monster.

‐Your mind, Val!

[Snapping fingers]

‐You guys chose a dumb theme for the dance,

even though I asked you not to.

So, I chose something new.

I am super stoked to announce the new cool theme:

Angels & Demons!

‐A little on the nose.

‐And now...

I would like to welcome back to Pine

your favourite ferret:

Tate Hudson!

‐Ah‐ha‐ha‐ha!

What's up? What's up?

‐VARSHIDI: He's alive, guys! Yeah!

‐Okay, thanks, guys.

Super stoked to be back here.

A‐a quick reminder to everybody, all right?

Wear a helmet before you go bouldering!

You won't regret that, okay.

[Laughs]

‐I do have somebody to thank.

[Tender music]

I could not have done it without them.

Candy, baby, will you come up here?

[Music fades out]

Thank you. [Cheers and applause]

‐I guess some things never change.

‐Some stuff changes!

Like, I guess monsters are real.

‐I guess we're monster hunters now.

Arguably cooler than iguanas and SNFU.

‐I'm gonna get so much ass it's gonna be freaky.

‐You guys are freaky.

‐Damn right we are!

[Laughing] [Theme music]

[Soft boom] [Tense music]

[Crickets chirping]

‐Hello?

[Clattering]

Jamison, if that is you

playing another one of your pranks,

then I will be forced to tell your mo‐‐

[Sharp inhale and exhale]

[Quiet tense music]

Mighty Lord and Savior,

you have chosen me!

What an unusual‐looking angel of his mercy!

Not at all what I expected, but...

no matter.

You heard my prayers.

And you are here to rid me

of that evil teacher,

Jonas.

[Menacing music]

‐VOICE: I am here

to serve.

[Closing theme]