Original subtitles

[indistinct chatter]

Oh, my God. What happened?

A little warning from The Dean.

How's it coming with the money? We've only got two weeks left.

Yep, we're on target, it's the final push but, erm...

[whispers] we're low on stock.

-Of what? -Everything.

-Even crack? -It's our best seller.

Professionals, clubbers, students, they love it.

Yeah. It can get you like that.

Okay, so how do we replenish stock?

You need some fresh ingredients and a cook.

I'll arrange it.

Well done.

I'm impressed.

[Hanies] The Brook Hill crew is nominally run by this man, Christian Taylor.

Taylor is currently inside for violating the terms of his probation.

-So who's in charge now, his lieutenants? -[exhales] Unclear.

Souljah's gone to ground,

and Spider was shot and injured by persons unknown.

-Have you spoken to him? -We have.

He's still so weak, he could barely answer our questions,

let alone run any kind of crew.

Do we know how Brook Hill is structured?

Like most local crews, we think they've got a network

of foot soldiers who are young and highly mobile.

[dramatic music playing]

[Margaret] I thought I might go and see mum later.

Oh! Well, say hi from me.

You could come, she'd like that.

Normally I'd be in like Flynn, but sadly, I got a thing.

Do you not feel like you owe Mum a visit?

Absolutely. It's on my list. Right at the top.

[Haines] Brook Hill is plugged into the local community,

but we believe they have ties to this major London player, The Dean.

Well, that means Brook Hill has to get profits back to London,

which means a bagman. Any leads?

Not yet, but The Dean's been at the top level for years,

so anyone moving money for him will be one slick operator.

I don't like broccoli.

You can't live entirely off tangy cheese Doritos.

You need fruit and veg in your diet if you want to love again.

Why?

Right. Supposing you go round to Anne-Marie's house

-and she's made you a nice salad? -I'll just pretend to have a stroke.

How about...

-an olive? -Oh, fuck off!

[Selforth] We've identified a kid, Carter, 17,

we know he's running for Brook Hill.

We need four plainclothes in one week to run surveillance on him.

No. I don't have the manpower.

Sir, if we sit on this kid for long enough,

whoever's running Brook Hill will show their face.

Two people, 48 hours.

Three people, 72 hours.

Fine. But I want pictures on my desk in three days.

[Malaki] You better watch yourself.

The Feds was here asking about The Dean.

They know someone's running my end,

so look sharp.

Okay.

You gotta leave right now?

Yeah? What?

If you go, I gotta go back to my cell and talk to Hank,

and he ain't exactly Graham Norton, you know?

Can we-- can we just talk?

Okay. What do you wanna talk about?

[Malaki] Anything.

Why did you become a drug dealer?

The pension plan.

Aren't you scared of getting hurt?

My dad never broke the law once.

He was a welder all his life.

What did he get for all his honest, hard work?

Chronic lung disease from the fumes.

Why didn't you stay in school, get an education?

If your family couldn't afford to put food on the table

and someone offered you a chance to make money,

what would you choose?

Dealing, or double maths?

[theme music playing]

[Claire] Following an extensive community needs assessment,

we have a strategy that's in line with the city's economic action plan.

Slide.

When I say slide, Susie, jump to the next slide.

[Myrna] What are you doing?

Prepping for the Town Hall tonight.

You can stand down, love. I'll be doing the talking.

You don't know how to work PowerPoint!

We don't need slides, we need passion!

This isn't rabblerousing.

We need to convince the council that we have

the financial nous to take over the community centre.

You have never done a Town Hall, love. You've gotta win the crowd.

It is war.

Maybe we should put it to the group.

Claire, although I fully support the democratic process,

in this instance, kindly do one.

I will be speaking at the meeting.

[Gabby] Oh, my God!

Lara's back on Her.

Am I supposed to know what that means?

Err... okay! Erm,

Lara-- Lara's my ex,

and Her is-- is a lesbian dating site,

which means that she's single again! [inhales]

I don't know what to do. I mean-- should I DM her?

I should probably DM her, right? I mean, is it weird if I DM her?

I don't know, I mean, I think it'd be weirder if I didn't DM her, is that right?

-What do I do, Greg? -Have you thought about DM'ing her?

You really think I should?

I mean, last time I saw her, I royally shat the nest.

-Well, you're in a better place now. -[whisper] Yeah.

Emotionally, not physically. I mean, your place was way nicer.

Yeah. Are you on the apps?

[scoffs] No.

Need a full body or brain transplant

before an internet lady found me attractive.

That's nonsense. You should-- you should definitely go on the apps.

-Really? You think so? -Yeah! Yeah, you should.

I mean, look we... [clears throat]

...we need to work on a few things first, but...

Like what?

Well, your diet, posture, conversation,

wardrobe, general aura and height.

-My height? -Yeah.

You're just-- you're too tall.

-You loom over people, and it's... -How can I change that?

You could be in the distance more.

Sure, I'll try that.

Hmm. I'm gonna make you my new project.

Greg 2.0.

I'm gonna sign you up to all of the dating apps, so...

commit to change, choose happiness,

and eat the broccolini.

-Careful, it's hot. -Okay. It's hot.

Mmm!

It's amazing!

-Yeah? -Mmm, thank you.

Erm, I spoke to my parents.

Okay. You ask about the loan?

-No. -No?

It's just-- just a bit difficult.

'Cause, you know, all the money they saved was for me to go to Oxford.

Okay.

You're not getting cold feet about Weston, are you?

No!

No, I-- I-- I just wanna approach it really carefully, you know?

Erm, so I told them we'd come over, bring dinner,

and then, once they've sampled your yummy food,

then we'd bring up the loan.

-Okay. -That okay?

-Yeah. -You sure?

Yes. Okay.

Can you just add a bit more chilli, 'cause Dad likes it hot.

-Oh, yeah? So do I... -Yeah.

Eww!

-Go to your room! -Go to your room.

Es, how would you like to move to Weston with us?

To open a food shack.

Start selling my food.

Why would people pay for your food?

'Cause it's different.

Come on, Es! Don't you wanna live by the beach?

You know, sun, sea, donkeys?

More people are killed by donkeys every year than die in plane crashes.

So... is that a yes?

Fine.

But if a donkey even looks at me funny, I'm moving back to Bristol.

Excuse me.

Erm, excuse me, madam, this is private property.

For your own safety,

I'm gonna have to ask you to step onto the pavement, please?

Okay.

Legally we're now safe.

-How can I help? -Right, well,

I live at number 14, just across the road.

You look like you're in charge.

Your eyes do not deceive you.

I thought I should let you know

that of an evening

there's often comings and goings in the centre.

What, post 6:00 p.m.?

Yes. Sometimes late into the night.

Can I take your name, please?

Barbara Latham.

I'm not being nosey or nothing. I just thought it was a bit odd, you know?

It's been empty for so long, and then...

Can you describe these comings and goings, please, Barbara?

Not really. I'd need to move my sofa to get a proper look.

Yeah, that'd be great if you could.

Sofa's quite heavy, though, and I'm on my own.

Right, well, you've got to bend at the knees, you see.

Really engage the core.

Use the breath... [sniffs] breathe in...

[exhales] ...lift. Okay?

Oi.

[Diane] Yeah.

Get a good vantage point, take photos.

Have you got a telephoto lens?

-No. -No?

Well, you can pick 'em up cheap on eBay, okay?

Look, if you see anything suspicious, call me.

Right.

Shouldn't I call the police?

Read the card, Barbara!

I'm a Trainee Police Community Support Officer!

Round here, I am the law, okay?

Unless you get mugged, or raped,

in which case call the real police.

I need you three to pick up supplies for me.

Supplies? Of what?

Raw product.

And bring it here tonight, where a cook will... cook it.

-Ready for sale. -Why do we have to do that?

Because look at you. No one will suspect you.

Well, why can't you do it?

Because I have to drive around intimidating

little children that work for us. Would you rather do that?

I don't wanna do that. I don't know anything about buying drugs.

Could you just figure it out!

No one taught me how to run a drug empire in school either.

I'd love to help, but I promised my daughter I'd visit my ex-wife.

If we're cooking crack cocaine, you're cooking crack cocaine.

Nah, leave him, leave him.

He's fixing things with his family. That's important.

Yeah.

Okay, so I'm signing you up for Tinder.

[Greg] No, I don't wanna be one of those sad, desperate losers on a dating app.

All right, fine. I'll delete it.

I guess it is just a load of people looking for meaningless sex.

Well, I suppose I could give it one go.

No, Greg, I think you're right. I think we should ease you in more gently.

Maybe eHarmony?

Isn't that mainly over-50s?

Yeah.

-How old do you think I am? -We'll need a sexy profile pic.

Have you got any photos of you on holiday, or maybe with a cute animal?

Ooh, yeah! I've got a nice one of me on Clacton Beach with a dead squid.

[Gabby] Three... two... one... go!

Ooh. Yeah.

I mean-- maybe take your glasses off?

-Glasses off? Yeah. -Yeah, rock n roll.

Yeah. Absolutely. Okay.

Aww! Smile!

You look like a Victorian child catcher.

Let's try a pout, okay?

Say 'prunes'.

[both] Ooh.

You look like someone's doing something to you without your consent.

-Greg, just... -I'm out of my depth here.

If I can't even pose for a photo, what am I gonna be like on a real date?

Maybe I can change the filter.

Yeah? Can you filter out middle age and desperation?

No. But that's a great idea for an app!

I'm getting Greg back on the dating horse, and he needs a bit of practise.

And this affects me how?

Would you go on a trial date with him?

-What? -You know, just report back,

let me know how he does so that we can iron out any wrinkles

before he goes on any real dates.

Definitely not. I find Greg not only unattractive

but sexually repugnant.

No offence taken.

Mmm.

You see, the thing is Diane, I need a woman I can trust

to give an independent heterosexual

female assessment of Greg's behaviour.

I can't be seen socialising with criminals.

I mean, not only am I his community support supervisor,

I'm also a trainee PCSO now.

But I need, you know, a... dating... detective.

Do you need fingerprints? DNA? Swab of the foreskin?

Whatever you think is useful,

but you would be doing me a massive solid.

Go on, then.

But only for the purposes of research.

Fabulous, thank you! I owe you one, Di.

I'll pick you up at 1900 hours.

Oh, would you mind if he picks you up, just to keep it more traditional?

I'll allow it.

-Don't be late! -No, ma'am.

Okay. [indistinct chatter]

[Selforth] It must be so boring being a drug runner.

Sitting around, doing nothing.

Just waiting and keeping lookout.

I'd be so bored.

-No, right. -What are we looking for?

We are looking for a green Volkswagen Golf,

and the driver has a scar underneath his left eye.

Jesus. Of course he does. Jesus!

This is not happening!

I'm a middle-aged bloke with a wife and two kids, you know.

I should-- I should be bleeding radiators or creosoting a shed,

not sat here waiting to pick up a kilo of uncut shitting cocaine!

Forget it. Not doing it.

[Myrna] Too late.

[John] Shit. Oh, shit. Shit!

-What do we do now!? What do we do? -[Myrna] I don't know!

I'll just consult my Black person manual, shall I?

Car park drug deals, chapter five.

Oh, window! Oh, shit, we're doing this.

Oh, fuck my life!

Hello, all right? Yo! Is it G-- are you G?

Good afternoon, Officer.

No, I'm not-- I'm not a policeman.

-No? What do you do, then? -Me?

Well, I'm, er, I'm between jobs at the moment

because no one's--

no one's hiring a white middle-aged bloke these days, are they?

Unless you're disabled or a transgender vegan that's...

-Not-not-- not now... -Not now.

-You got the four bags? -No.

'Cause I think we're-- I think we're buying them from you.

Bag o' sand, grand. Four grand. You got the four grand?

We're from Bristol. We don't do rhyming slang.

Wait, if you call a grand a bag of sand,

just interested, what do you call a bag of sand?

-You got the money? -Yeah.

Shit man! Don't wave it around like a gameshow host!

Put it in something.

Have a look in the glove compartment.

-Anything? -No!

Just some middle-of-the-road white man music,

and an underwear catalogue

that seems to be catering for women

with a fuller bust. What is this, porn for cowards?

Just my wife's.

Okay! I've got-- I've got an envelope.

I've got envelope-- I've got an envelope.

Here we go.

No!

Right. You've put the money in...

-I've done-- yeah. -Get out...

-Yeah. -Pretend to drop your keys.

Drop your keys.

Leave the money on the front right tyre.

He said leave the money on the front right tyre.

And walk inside, get a coffee.

He said go get a coff-- I don't drink coffee.

It makes me all kinds of wired.

Is peppermint tea okay?

Listen!

It don't matter what you drink.

Just go away, come back in ten,

and the product will be where the money is.

You get me, right?

Yeah.

Go then!

[John] Oh, gosh,

butterfingers!

I've got 'em!

[acoustic music playing]

We're coming! We're coming! We're coming. Oh, my God, it's there. Okay.

So, I have to--

[stuttering] Oh!

Do you know, I don't-- I do not know what's wrong with me today.

Just, wait, wait, wait!

Jesus Christ. [mumbles]

Hey, Mum!

Look who's come to see you!

Hey, Lou.

Does she even know we're here?

Erm, she doesn't talk anymore, so we don't know how much she knows.

Frank is gonna take you for a walk today.

[Frank] Nice wheels you got there.

A little different from that Alfa Romeo

we used to skip around in.

Remember that time

we drove all the way to London

just to see the sun rise over Tower Bridge?

We broke down on the freeway coming back.

I flagged down that guy,

persuaded him to swap his Hillman for the Alfa Romeo.

[chuckles]

I wonder if he ever made it home!

I'm sorry...

...I didn't visit earlier.

I've been busy.

[Greg] Remind me of the brief again?

Just choose an outfit you think will make

a good first impression on a first date!

[Greg] I got it.

Leather trousers?

Yeah! I read in GQ magazine that every man should have

at least one peacocking item that really makes him stand out.

Right, right.

But you've-you've paired the leather trousers

with loafers and a shirt and tie?

I have, yeah, yeah. Adding a bit of class.

You look like the Hell's Angels' accountant.

-Thank you. -Greg, that's not a compliment.

[sighs] It doesn't work.

Why not?

Jim Morrison...

regional manager of a Morrisons.

Come on!

[upbeat music playing]

[siren wailing]

Does he want me to pull over?

-You can't. -[John] What?

-Don't pull over! -No-- it's-- shit! Shit!

You've got a kilo of coke in your bag.

Oh, this is not happening!

-What do we do? What happens, though? -[Myrna] Stay calm.

You just have to act like you have not got a care in the world.

Oh!

[suspenseful music playing]

[vocalist sings pop ballad]

Can you turn the music down, please, sir?

♪ And I don't... ♪

S-- sure, sorry.

Is there a problem, Officer?

You were doing 40 in a 30-mile-per-hour zone.

Do you know, I literally didn't know that that was a 30.

I assume you understand the dangers

of driving over the speed limit in a built-up area?

Listen, I-I know that highway code like the back of my hand.

License.

Sorry.

-Are you all right? -Yeah.

He just prides himself on being a really good driver.

He's a bit embarrassed.

Hopefully three points and a hundred-quid fine

will make him be a bit more careful in the future.

-Three points! -One minute.

Three points!

Are you-- you should be out there catching criminals, mate!

-Three points! -Thank you, Officer!

And once again, we are really sorry.

Three points! That is-- that is madness!

Would you rather have 20 years in jail for drug dealing?

[grunts]

-You all right? -No, I feel--

I feel like I can't breathe!

Oh, God.

You're hyperventilating. Hold on.

Myrna, seriously, I'm...

You know, take that. Breathe into that.

Okay.

Better?

It's bloody plastic!

Just take small breaths and try and stay calm.

[groans] I don't like it, Myrna...

Right! Here we go.

Try some of that.

It is herbal but it will calm you down.

-[spits] What the-- what is that? -No!

You're supposed to dab some behind your ears!

Oh, for Christ's sake! Oh, Christ's sake, Myrna!

Oh, God!

[Frank] Bad luck, Reg!

Come on, Stanley!

Bad luck, fellas!

-Wanna go again? -Oh, seriously?

You're unbelievable.

Dennis here is the unbelievable one!

Three winning shots on the bounce!

I think he's hustling me!

So, you can't even spend half an hour with her.

Margie, she has no idea what's happening.

Do you even understand why that's wrong?

I have to level with you, seeing her like this makes me feel bad.

It isn't about you!

When she got sick, you never visited her.

You just pretended she didn't exist. Well, she does exist.

And if seeing her makes you feel bad, then that's tough!

Whoa.

Mum? Mum?

Get a-- get a nurse!

[dramatic music playing]

[sighs]

[knocks on door]

Hello, Rani.

Hello, Mum.

Come in, come in.

-Shoes off at the door, please. -Yeah, sure.

I don't want any scratches on my floor.

There are no scratches on the floor.

Because it's shoes off at the door! [laughs]

Please, put on some slippers.

You can wear an old pair of mine!

Yeah, you don't have to wear those.

No-- I've-- I've never had a pair of slippers before!

Oh! They're-- they're lush!

Oh, good!

I hope you're hungry!

Oh, yes! [chuckles]

-Please, it's through there. -Thank you.

[cheery music playing]

Evening, Diane.

-You look nice. -19:03.

Subject is three minutes late and did not, I repeat, not bring flowers.

Breathe?

Breath, adequate.

Aftershave, vinegary.

-You gonna do this all night? -As I see fit.

I just think it might ruin the mood.

Subject questions methodology of the adjudicator.

Bye, Mum!

Subject picks up hot date in a beige

2012 Skoda Octavia.

Makes him look like a Bulgarian minicab driver.

Vehicle interior smells like balls and Glade.

-Happy to go? -Yeah, let's get this over with.

[grunts] I'm gonna have to crack a window.

[breathes deeply]

[whimsical music playing]

-[distant dogs barking] -Sorry.

Sorry.

You're not what I expected.

-You're late. -Sorry, yeah.

-We just had a bit of a run in with the-- -Traffic!

With the traffic on the M4.

You know what the traffic can be like on the M4.

My mum's the best cook in the South West.

She's Michelin-starred, it's rude to keep her waiting.

Sorry, let's-- let's crack on, shall we?

No pun intended.

It's just through those double doors up there.

John, there is a meeting tonight which I cannot miss.

Cop hold.

What do you mean there's a meeting?

You can't leave me with these people!

They seem nice.

They seem-- Myrna, these people cook crack for a living!

Oh, you're being a coward!

No. I don't wanna do this on my own!

Look. I know that today has been rather stressful.

-Stressful! -I will be back in an hour! I promise.

-Go, go! -No... listen... lis...

Myrns!

[cheery music playing]

You've not done this before, have you?

Can you tell?

[Anastasia] You don't look like someone who usually deals crack.

What d'you need the money for?

Gambling debts?

Big divorce settlement?

A London gangster wants to kill me.

[laughs]

Classic!

Calm your nerves.

Cheers.

Cheers.

-What's your name? -[coughs] John.

-Yours? -Anastasia.

-Really? -No!

Never use your real name, John.

First rule of crack dealing.

[whimsical music playing]

Nice, innit?

-Would you like another drink? -Yeah, definitely.

[whistles] Excuse me!

Can I have another Grolsch for me and a white wine spritzer for him?

[sighs]

Why don't you ask me some questions?

Oh, yeah. Questions, yeah? Good idea.

What is your favourite colour, please?

This is a date, not a Smash Hits interview.

Ask me an adult question.

-Have you ever had a threesome? -No, not like an adult movie question.

And, yeah, I have.

Didn't enjoy it. Too much talking.

Just ask me a normal question from one person to another.

-Do you have any hobbies? -No. I don't have time for hobbies.

Too busy training as a PSCO.

-Oh, yeah! How's that going? -Yeah, it's awesome.

Incapacitant spray training last week. That was a highlight.

What does that involve?

This.

Pepper Spray.

They spray it on our faces so we know what it feels like.

-They issue you with this, do they? -Oh, God! No, no.

-Pepper spray is illegal. -So where did you get that?

Next question.

[Lara] It's good to see you.

Yeah, yeah, you too, you too!

And you're drinking water?

I'm-- I'm completely off the booze now.

Like, for real this time.

-That's great. -Yeah, yeah.

Oh, and the drugs and...

yeah, I got rid of all the hangers-on, you know?

Just realised that they were actually just taking the piss.

[nervous laugh]

Look, erm, Lara, I... I want you to know

that I have completely sorted myself out and...

well, I-- I saw that you're-- you're on Her,

and I thought maybe you might wanna try again?

-Gabby... -I'm completely clean, I promise.

I mean, I don't-- I don't touch a thing now,

not even on weekends or on special occasions.

-That's great. -Yeah.

I'm pleased for you really, I am.

But I forgot to remove my profile from Her.

I'm not single.

I'm actually engaged.

Er, congratulations.

-Wow. Erm, do I-- -No!

Look I probably need to go.

Of course, no, of course.

It really was nice to see you.

[rock music playing]

[clattering]

Where did you hide it, you overgrown stick insect?

[rock music playing]

Who still buys DVDs, Greg?

[vocalist sings aggressive song]

[sing-song] Yes!

[aggressive song ends]

[slow music playing]

You look... tired.

Your eyes are dark.

-Are you getting enough sleep? -Mum...

Well, then, you're not drinking enough water.

Jerzy, pour Rani a glass of water.

No, I don't want any water.

Yeah, you need about seven or eight glasses...

I don't want any water!

[sighs]

You may think you are old enough to look after yourself,

make your own decisions, but look at you.

You're a mess, abandoning your future...

-I'm not talking about this. -...living with a boy with no prospects.

What sort of a boy has never owned a pair of slippers?

Why are you fixating on that?

Because it tells us all that we need to know about the kind of boy he is.

[Shanthi] You are throwing your life after some sort of low-life

that we've always tried to protect you from...

-Ah! -[laughs]

Wow, Ben, smells delicious!

Thank you!

There's extra chilli in this one for you, Mr Rekowski.

Rani told me you like your food hot.

The hotter the better.

-[laughter] -[Jerzy] You make all this yourself?

Yeah.

I'll just be...

Ah.

[Greg] My wife felt that we were stuck in a rut,

so Mr Romantic here surprised her with a camping trip to Cornwall,

and while I was emptying out the chemical toilet, this chap came by

and he's like, 'Oh, would you like to do some white water rafting with me?'

Apparently, some other people had dropped out, and he needed

to make up the numbers 'cause otherwise he would have lost his deposit...

It doesn't matter, move on.

Yeah, well, anyway, I couldn't do it myself

because I've only got my 10-metre swimming badge.

But my wife did go with him and, erm...

[Diane] Don't tell me. You caught her with the bloke

shagging your wife's brains out.

No, no. But, she fell in love with...

The other bloke.

Cause he's a demon in the sack

and having sex with you is like shagging a giant Peperami.

No, she fell in love with danger and adrenaline.

Oh, right.

There was no stopping her after that.

She got into base jumping and abseiling

and doing parkour round Bristol City Centre.

I mean, we'd be down in town doing a bit of Christmas shopping,

she'd suddenly be off over the roof of Argos.

She wanted us to do a bungee jump together,

to try and sort of save the marriage.

So I agreed.

We got harnessed up, stood on the edge of Clifton Suspension Bridge,

but I couldn't go through with it.

She jumped, looked back, saw me standing there

and just shouted, 'I want a divorce', as she plummeted into Avon gorge.

She bounced back up and shouted, 'You're dragging me down!'

Even though it was gravity dragging her down at that point, to be honest,

but, erm, I understood what she was saying,

which is that I'm boring.

No. You're not boring.

-Wanna do the quiz? -Yeah, for the love of God, yeah.

Thank you.

[sighs]

Team name.

Diane and Greg.

[slow music playing]

-Margie... -Don't talk to me.

[slow music playing]

[Jerzy] I have never tasted anything like this.

It's so... fresh!

[Shanthi chuckles] Would you give me the recipe?

The recipe belongs to my Grandma,

so I'm gonna have to take that one to my grave.

[laughter]

I'm really glad that you like Ben's cooking,

'cause we actually have something that we want to talk to you about.

We're gonna-- we want to open a food place in Weston.

With my cooking and Rani's brain,

who knows, we might be able to start our own franchise.

And we were wondering if you could give us a loan?

Which we will pay back once we get back on our feet.

Oh, what about Oxford?

That was your dream, not mine.

So, a food shack in Weston. That's your dream?

Yeah.

[scoffs]

Your mother and I started a business from scratch.

It takes all of your energies.

So much hard work, you will have no free time.

Yeah, I know.

Well, I imagine the sense of achievement must be intense.

Starting a business from nothing,

raising such an amazing daughter at the same time?

What I want most is what you have.

I never had a stable upbringing.

Well, you know, the thought of starting my own business,

buying my own house, wife, kids...

[deep sigh]

So...

what do you think about the loan?

-[scoffs] -We'll, er...

we'll think about it.

[Claire] Look at the slide.

Fourteen percent of over-25s we surveyed

said a phone mast brings no jobs to the community.

Or anything productive.

And on the next slide...

What it will bring is faster data download and upload speed,

so no more waiting for Netflix to buffer.

-[audience laughing] -[man] And we're planning to build

in front of the mast site, as a voluntary contribution

to the community at our own expense,

a park bench and...

three trees.

[Claire] Yeah, yea, yes, yes, but returning to slide four...

Oh! Just what we need. More slides!

[laughter]

We don't need another park bench around here either.

Where kids can go to drink or get high because they're so bloody bored.

This guy will promise you the moon on a string

if it gets him his planning application.

But he'll be gone in a week.

Me, and you, and Claire, we live here.

There are kids out there as young as 9 or 10

selling drugs to make ends meet.

I know. I see them every day.

They don't need faster mobile phone speeds

if they're dead or locked up or hooked on crack.

-Well... -What they do need

is somewhere to go at nights,

to study, to get what they need,

where their parents can get therapy or go to rehab

or learn to dance!

Mate, we don't need your phone tower around here.

What we do need is community!

Plus, 5G gives you COVID-19.

[cheers and applause]

[slow music playing]

You like-- you like cooking other things. Erm, food, or...

just the crack?

[slow music playing]

How does someone like you wind up in trouble with a London gangster?

That's a very long and a very depressing story.

We've got a while.

Nah.

You don't want my tale of woe.

Want some?

No.

-You ever tried it? -Have I ever smoked crack?

Er, no, no, I've never smoked crack.

I'm a middle-aged married man with two kids and a recurrent hernia.

-All the more reason to smoke some. -No, I read the papers.

I know what that stuff's like. Instantly addictive.

I'd have one puff and in a month,

I'd have no teeth and a pimp named Alphonso.

[scoffs]

No.

It's nothing like The Daily Mail says.

Just amazingly good fun.

[smirks]

How much amazingly good fun?

It will make you forget your tale of woe.

[tense music playing]

Oh, shit!

[vocalist sings soulful ballad]

She's stable, so you can see her.

[soulful ballad ends]

[man] Which famous actor is said to have invented

the Magnum ice cream?

Oh, what?

-Who is gonna get that? -Roger Moore.

He loved a choc ice,

but he didn't like getting chocolate ice cream on his safari suit.

So he thought, hang on, I'll pop a stick in the end.

Ergo, the Magnum.

What about the picture round? I don't know any of them.

Rod Hull, Samantha Fox, Keith Flint from The Prodigy, Kendall Jenner,

Jeffrey from Rainbow, Charles Manson, Emma Stone, and DJ Bruno Brookes.

[man] What is the capital of Ecuador?

-Oh, you are havin' a laugh! -Quito.

Yep, we got it. We know it.

-Okay. -Okay.

[tense music playing]

[car engine revving]

[mellow music playing]

[indistinct chatter]

[mellow music playing]

[indistinct chatter]

-[indistinct] -What?

[camera shutter clicks]

-Anyone watching you? -No.

I can't see who's inside.

-No one complaining? -Nah, I got compliments.

Did you lose any regulars?

-Don't think so. -Is that a yes or a no?

It's a no.

-[whispers] Don't lie to me. -I ain't.

Do you know what happens when you lie?

-Yeah, and I ain't lying. -You better not be.

Go.

[dramatic music playing]

[man] ...which means the runners-up, in second place

with 36 points are...

[Greg] You're crushing my fingers.

I'm sorry, it's my natural vice-like grip.

...J Lo's Ass!

Which means the winners are Cagney and Lacey!

Ye-haw! Whoo! Losers!

Losers! Losers!

Oh, hello, sir, you all right?

You just dropped something on the floor... that!

-And one for you! -I will remember that.

Wow! Oh my God!

I've never won anything before, you are insane at quizzes!

Oh, thanks, yeah. Product of a misspent youth.

I played a lot of Trivial Pursuit in my teens.

-Wow! Idea. Wild.

You and I go back to my house, have coffee and sexual intercourse.

I don't do tea-bagging, golden showers, or reverse anal.

-Everything else is up for grabs. -What's reverse anal?

Wouldn't that just be regular, in the front door?

[Diane] No, that's what they want you to think. Hold that thought.

-Go for Diane Pemberley. -[Barbara] Hello, it's Barbara.

-Who? -There's people in the centre.

I can see their shadows moving about.

-Right. Did you get a camera? -[Barbara] Yes, I found one

in the back of the sideboard.

I'm not sure how well it'll come out, mind.

It's been in the drawer since my Kenny died.

-God, I miss him! -Right! Stay focused, woman!

Take pictures of everything, okay? I'm coming over.

I need you to drop me off at the community centre.

There are people inside looking suspicious.

What about-- what about the coffee, and the... sexual intercourse?

Well, that's off.

I mean look, if this turns into a stakeout,

I might give you a quick hand job, all right?

No promises, though. Come on. Let's go.

[Christian] Oh, shit!

I think we're being followed.

By who?

[Christian] You see that black Vauxhall? It was there when we left Windmill Hill.

-What do we do? -Erm...

Er...

Just, erm, take-- take a left.

A-And go right. Go right.

[tense music playing]

-Fuck! -Fuck!

Can you see who it is?

It's the police. Go.

I just got a text from Greg saying stop cooking crack, Diane's on her way.

Oh, shit!

[vocalist sings pop ballad]

-[John] ...yeah, my own father -Sacked you?

[John] I had a mortgage, kids school fees,

skiing, bollocks.

You know, it's eight hundred pounds a year for horse riding insurance.

Eight hundred pounds!

I mean, just don't crash your horse, right?

[sniffs]

Doesn't your wife work?

[sighs]

She makes and sells vegan dog treats, so, no.

[chuckles]

-Er, what's funny? -[laughs]

Vegan dog treats!

-Are you down with vegan dogs? -[chuckles]

I think I'm beginning to understand your tale of woe.

[vocalist sings 1980s pop ballad]

[indistinct]

Hello?

[Rani] Erm, are you at the community centre?

-No. I had to pop out for a bit. -Pop out?

-Why are you popping out? -Yeah, I've left John in charge.

[Rani] Well, he isn't answering his phone,

and Diane is on her way there, so you have to get everyone out!

I'm busy. Why can't you?

-[Rani] I'm in a police car chase! -What did you say?

I don't think I heard you right.

[man] I bet you wish you had 5G.

[Rani] Hello? Hello?

[Diane] Why are you driving so slowly? Have you heard of second gear?

-[Greg] A little kiddie might jump out. -[Diane] Kiddie? It's night time!

-You're doing about eight miles an hour. -Speed kills.

What are you doing?! Don't wave 'em on! Don't let 'em overtake you.

Well, you know, I'm just... feeling generous.

Oh, my God.

Subject drives like my nan.

Well, you know there's a lot of idiots on the road this time of night.

-You've gotta be careful. -Yeah, idiots like you.

Number one over here.

She's going faster than we are! With her stupid little scooter.

[Greg] Well, yeah, but that's reckless, isn't it? Absolutely reckless.

[Diane] It's not reckless.

Go through right, we're coming up to the lights. That's good.

Right-- amber, go through on the amber, go through on the amber!

Well, you shouldn't go through on the amber.

No, cause it might change to red. You see there you go.

-[Diane] Oh, my God. -You've gotta be careful.

What are you doing?

Where are you going?

What are you up to? What's going on?

I'm commandeering this vehicle for volunteer police purposes.

[Haines] It's Haines. We're following a black Range Rover.

Yeah, I need you to run a plate for me, please.

-They still there? -Yeah.

[Christian] Okay. What am I doing? Where am I going?

-Rani, what now? They're behind us! -[Rani] Calm. Down.

I'm trying to think!

Go right, go right!

[rock music playing]

[Rani] We need to lose them! Fuck!

[man] The vehicle is leased to a Christian Taylor.

We need to overtake that lorry there.

[Haines] Taylor's in prison.

[man] It's his car.

[Rani] Go, go, go.

[rock music playing]

Wait for it...

Now pull off! Pull off!

Where-- where are they?

-Where are they? -I can't see them.

Shit!

We have to find that Range.

Whoever is driving that is running Brook Hill.

[rock music playing]

[exhales]

[Rani] My heart is racing.

That was incredible! That was so cool!

Hmm.

Wait, Rani, wait.

That weren't cool.

Yeah, it was! We totally outfoxed them.

So cool.

-Wait, wait, wait, wait! -Yeah?

-Does this stuff turn you on? -What stuff?

-[moans] -Car chases.

The drug deals. The gang shit!

No, of course not. It doesn't. Just, erm...

it must be my adrenaline... pumping.

We need to get rid of this car.

[slow music playing]

[sighs]

[panting]

-What is going on? -Myrns!

I'm a crack ho.

What?!

Diane is coming.

We need to get out here.

Diane is on her way here!

We need to pack up and get out of here now!

We need to pack up and get out of here, come on! Move.

[vocalist sings soulful ballad]

I'm coming, Dad.

[screams] John!

[dramatic music playing]

What have we got here, then?

Light on at the side of the building.

Moving to investigate.

Hmm. Gate is unlocked.

-Note to self-- what? -Diane!

I have to tell you something before you go in there.

-Well, it'll have to wait. -No! It can't wait.

I have to tell you it now.

The reason I was driving so slow earlier, like your nan,

is so that I could spend more time with you and enjoy your...

magical personality.

-Yeah, makes sense. -Yeah, but there's more.

[sighs] Diane Permberley...

-I love you. -Well, you're only human.

Yeah.

[screams]

God!

I had to incapacitate subject as his libido became inflamed

by his smoking hot date.

Headed inside to investigate further.

What's in it! What's in it!

[sobbing]

I need a wet wipe!

[Diane] I am entering the premises.

[tense music playing]

[Greg] Diane?

I can't drive you home, 'cause I'm blind now.

[fire scorching]

Christian is gonna be so pissed.

He only had six months left on the lease.

I'm gonna get a tea, do you want one?

No.

We swore we'd never be that couple with nothing to say to each other.

Remember, when we met...

you taught me The Shuffle, The Backdrop.

King and Queen of the dance floor.

We were a head-turning couple.

Being busy is not the reason I didn't visit when you got sick, Lou.

It's 'cause I was in a pub!

Getting high.

Getting laid.

'Cause all of that was a hundred times easier than facing you,

'cause facing you meant facing me, and I never could do that.

I missed my chance to say sorry...

when it mattered.

What the heck, I'm gonna say it now.

Anyway, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry you had to put up with all the lies,

then apologies, then more lies.

I'm sorry for the things I did when I was here

and the things I didn't do when I wasn't.

And I'm sorry I didn't get to know our little girl earlier.

You raised a helluva woman without me, Lou.

You know, I don't have a pot to piss in.

All I got to show for my time on this earth...

is what I walked out on.

So, let's us, you and me...

remember the good times.

We were King, Queen...

of the dance floor.

We were...

a head-turning couple.

[sighs]

[mellow music playing]

[water patters]

Erm, excuse me!

Shoes off at the door, yeah?

Those are not my dad's slippers, are they?

No. They're mine.

-He let me keep 'em. -You don't have to wear them, though.

Yeah, well, they're kinda snuggly.

Erm, do you really want kids?

Yeah, don't you?

We never spoke about it.

I think we'd make great parents.

[vocalist sings folksy song]

God!

[folksy song continues]

Ah, fuck it! Bedtime.

I'm coming to bed!

[folksy song continues]

[folksy song fades out]