Original subtitles

[PERCUSSIVE MUSIC PLAYS]

SINGER: ♪ When your day

♪ Seems dark as night

♪ And nothing

♪ Is going right

♪ You want a love

♪ That's strong and brave ♪

♪ And I'll be with you

♪ Every step of the way ♪

♪ 'Cause oh

♪ If you're blue ♪

♪ And all alone

♪ And all your so-called ♪

♪ Your so-called ♪

♪ Friends are gone

♪ But I'll stick by you

♪ Pretty baby

♪ Night or day ♪

♪ Every step of the way ♪

♪ 'Cause, oh

♪ Don't worry

[SIGHS] SINGER: ♪ Don't worry ♪

♪ 'Cause I'll be there ♪ Fucking chickenshit.

SINGER: ♪ I'll be there ♪

♪ In a hurry All right, fuck it.

SINGER: ♪ Yes ♪

♪ Lift your head up high

Fucking knock on the fucking door.

SINGER: ♪ And girl don't you cry ♪

♪ 'Cause I love you ♪

♪ I love you ♪

Un-fucking-believable.

SINGER: ♪ No, no need to cry

♪ No need to sigh

♪ Can't you see, girl

♪ I offer you my life

Hi.

Hi.

This is you, right?

Yeah. That's me.

Are you the actor Andy Samberg?

I am.

- You are? - SAMBERG: Yeah.

Are you kidding? [LAUGHING]

I'm a big fan, man. Like, a big fan.

Oh, thank you very much. Hey, I got a question for you.

Do you like limos?

Do I like limos? Sure. Yeah.

Who doesn't, right?

- TOM: Right. - Yeah.

You wanna get in?

Uh...

- Sure. - Yeah? Come on.

[TENSE MUSIC PLAYING]

[SIGHS]

Congrats. You've been selected.

Thanks. For what?

Um, I don't know.

[CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY] So, um, you know what?

I'm not memorized, so I'm just gonna read this off the card.

Are you talking to me or...? SAMBERG: Per the contract.

Huh? No, sorry, you're good.

- Don't worry. Yeah. - Okay.

Uh, Thomas Walcott.

Single, no children, no dependents.

Job is network management,

focusing on statistical analysis.

Physically fit.

Enough.[LAUGHS]

I guess they're not too strict about that one.

I'm joking. Kind of serious though.

All right. I'll keep it going here.

I'm sorry. I'll keep it going. I'ma keep it tight.

Uh, after your breakup... I'm sorry.

You moved back in with your mother.

Yeah, I'm sorry, Andy Samberg. How do you know all this?

Oh, the company that hired me,

I think they've been tracking you for a while.

There's a company that's been tracking me?

I guess what I would say is, don't ask me

any specific questions because they told me nothing.

I, I don't know any details about what it is.

But I do need to ask you, do you want to continue on this adventure?

Um...

Fuck it. Yes.

- Really? - Really, yeah. Definitely.

Why would you say yes?

'Cause this is the most exciting thing that's happened to me in ages.

[LAUGHING] And I don't - want it to end. - Okay.

I mean, if I say no, then I have to go back to my life.

And my life is in this, like, routine. It's, like, I'm stuck.

So saying yes has to be better than that, right?

I mean, no, not necessarily.

But, man, the way you just phrased that. So sad.

Um... All right, let's go.

[DISCORDANT EERIE MUSIC PLAYING]

How long until we get to, uh, the next part of the adventure?

[WHISPERING] You're not supposed to talk.

How come?

I think they just wanna use all of this.

Build up the tension.

[TENSE MUSIC PLAYING]

Okay. You see that red door? Walk through it.

There will be small red arrows on the ground and walls.

Just follow those.

- You're not coming? - No, no, I'm done.

Yeah, they just paid me to get you here. So...

[SIGHS]

Well, it was really awesome to meet you.

Yeah.

- Maybe we could get a beer. - Good luck, man.

- Yeah. Thank you. - Yeah.

[TENSE PERCUSSIVE MUSIC PLAYING]

[TENSE MUSIC CONTINUES]

[MUSIC FADES]

[ORCHESTRAL STRING MUSIC PLAYS THROUGH SPEAKER]

INTERVIEWER 1: Come sit.

Please.

[STRING MUSIC STOPS]

Okay.

INTERVIEWER 1: Congratulations.

You have been selected to partake

in the biggest reality show in the dark web.

There will be people trying to kill you.

The hunters.

TOM: What are you talking about?

There's people trying to murder me?

Very much so.

[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]

Each participant selected will have 30 days to... survive.

If they survive 30 days,

they will receive one million dollars, cash.

The hunters will be all around the world, Mr. Walcott,

and, uh, might not make it to your city.

So you will be safe until they find you.

You might spend the next 30 days and never encounter anyone,

but you still make the million dollars.

We will be filming you the entire time.

TOM: How?

Production assistants have already bugged your residence

as well as places we expect you to go.

They will travel as you do. You will not see them.

They are highly skilled at evasion.

So they're kind of like production assistant ninjas?

No, they are not trained ninjas.

I didn't say trained ninjas, I said like ninjas.

But if it helps you to say yes, to think of them as ninjas,

we are fine with that.

Excuse me. I need to stand up for a moment.

- Yeah, please. - TOM: Thank you.

What are you thinking?

I mean, what can I do to help you say yes?

Ah, nothing. I don't think I can do this.

Oh, you can. You should.

Well, come sit down, yeah. You can always say no.

So, just come sit for a minute. Yeah?

[LAUGHS] It's very interesting, guys.

I just, I don't think that I can do this. I can't risk other people's lives.

I can't, I can't have my roommate catching a bullet

'cause I'm playing some silly game.

Your mother will be safe.

How do you... How can you guarantee that?

You will only be killed when you are alone.

What does that mean, I'll only be killed when I'm alone?

If you are with someone else, the hunters will have to wait.

There is no risk to anyone else.

But once alone, you are no longer safe.

So that's a loophole.

Well, this is no loophole. It's just a rule.

Well, it's kind of a loophole.

What if I was with, like, my mom or my sisters every second of every day?

You would need to spend every moment

with them in close proximity. It's not as easy as it sounds.

Yeah. If the person you're with walks

to the other side of the room, you are vulnerable for attack.

You must be within striking distance from them

each and every second.

So let me get this straight. It's 30 days, right?

And you guys are hunting me for my life.

But you cannot touch me if I'm with someone,

and the hunters might not even ever make it to my city.

So there's a chance I spend the entire 30 days

and no one even finds me.

And then I get a million dollars. That's the game?

- Yes. - Are you interested?

[TENSE MUSIC PLAYING]

[CHUCKLES]

Let's play.

[INTERVIEWERS CHUCKLING]

I just wanna make sure that I'm clear on what you're saying.

What you called us all here on a Saturday to say, which is

that Andy Samberg pulled up to you driving a limo?

- No, I, I'm not saying that. - AMY: Okay. What are you saying?

He had a chauffeur.

I'd hope so. Oh, I'm sorry. I botched that detail.

Oh, you're damn right he'd have a driver.

The Sams ain't driving himself.

Don't call him The Sams. He goes by Andy.

- What are you, his publicist? - Yeah, you're his best friend now?

TOM: No, but he, no, I didn't call him The Sams.

- He didn't introduce himself. - I call him The Sams.

[AMY LAUGHS] You've never met him.

- AMY: Andy Samberg. - Yeah.

Is like, "Hey Tommy, get in, get in the backseat."

[LAUGHING]

AMY: I'm just trying to get it right.

I didn't, okay, this is getting turned around.

I'm done talking about Andy fucking Samberg.

If the hunters find me,

you need to be with me 24/7 so I don't die.

Oh, hey, but, like, aren't there other people playing

the pretend-y game who could hang out with you?

I posted a cryptic message on, uh, Craigslist.

I'm waiting to hear back, but I can't depend on it.

So in the meantime, I need to lean on the family.

Okay. Tommy, you are delusional.

I am not delusional.

What about when you told everybody at school

that you were moving to Japan

to become a Samurai with Dad after he left? How about that?

Great idea. Bringing up when Dad left, right in front of Mom.

MARY: Okay, what about the time that you made us all

call you Michael Jackson for a year?

Okay, you know what, guys?'Cause I liked his music.

No, you know what, guys? - Stop. Stop. - I was a fan.

There's a big difference between liking...

What is the difference?

Stop, stop. Just a minute, okay? Just hang on just a minute.

Honey, do you think that all this, Andy Samberg,

Greenlandic ninjas, the Internet killing show

is really, really more about the fact

that Theresa broke up with you and now she has a baby?

So you created this all as a diversion

so that you wouldn't have to feel the emotional pain

of that loss. I mean, is that a possibility?

Well, first of all,

thanks for bringing up my breakup in this moment.

It feels like a great time for a mother to do that.

Um, and second, um,

if you're implying, lemme just try to do the math on this,

that the producers of this game

implanted my ex-girlfriend,

who I haven't talked to in nearly two years,

uh, with a baby.

She grew the baby and had it in order to get me

to risk my life for a million dollars?

Right, but if all that happened, then possibly.

But to me that seems a little wacky. Are you okay?

- I'm done. - Are you okay?

I'm done with this, Tommy.'Cause I'm worried about you.

- Tommy. - What?

You're lonely, so find a club, you know.

Yeah. That's not what this is about.

- Do a hobby or something. - Yeah, I understand.

- Just, this is sad. - Yeah, thanks.

AMY: And this is all in your head. Get over it.

MOM: Don't leave that ice cream, cause I'll eat it all.

- Great. - AMY: Bye, Mom. I'll see you Thursday.

MOM: Is, is it Thursday? I thought it was Friday.

- No, it's Thursday. - MARY: Bye, Tommy!

MALCOLM: I hope the ninjas don't kill you.

Mom. You believe me, right?

Not even a little.

[TENSE STRING MUSIC PLAYING]

[ALARM RINGING]

[EERIE STRING AND PERCUSSIVE MUSIC THROUGHOUT]

[ALARM RINGING]

[EERIE PERCUSSIVE MUSIC CONTINUES]

[ALARM RINGING]

[TENSE DISCORDANT MUSIC PLAYING]

[GLASS SHATTERING]

Hello?

Hello?

[QUIET MENACING MUSIC PLAYING]

[EERIE DISCORDANT MUSIC PLAYING]

MOM: Tommy, what?

Someone found me.

MOM: Oh, good. Well, now that they found you,

maybe you can move in with them. [LAUGHS]

TOM: It was a production assistant.

It was one of the ninjas with a camera.

Oh, God. This crap, again?

Mom, I'm holding a tiny camera in my hands right now.

A tiny-What are you holding a tiny camera for?

It's either that or a piece of rat shit. I'm not sure.

But- Or, like, a, a weird little blueberry.

Either way, do you understand what I'm saying, Mom?

Yeah, I know what you're saying.

You're holding a tiny piece of rat shit

and you're... Hi.

And you're pretending that it's a camera.

Put it down. Wash your hands. It's full of diseases.

Okay, you're not listening to what I'm saying.

I need to come see you right now.

I need to come to the hospital. I can't be alone.

- Oh, no, no, no. - Mom, do you want me killed?

MOM: You know what, at this point,

I think that, that I would prefer Sandy Amberg

to murder you on a computer show

than have you come down here and get me fired.

His name is Andy Samberg.

I don't care what his name... Call your sister.

Oh, God.

TOM: Dude, I heard something, like, bang.

It spooked me, man. Like, I know they're on to me now.

I left the back door closed.

I mean, I get it. Your mom's at work. It's after midnight.

You can't just run over there.

Well, this... Yeah, either way, man.

I appreciate it. I didn't know what I was gonna do.

I can't be alone.

Yeah, no, your sister doesn't get home until two.

So you're more than welcome to crash here with us on the couch.

You'll be good.

Yeah, and then what time do you wanna hop in there and go to bed together?

Huh?

At what point you wanna... If we hang out here, we'll watch...

I'm beat now. I'm ready for bed. I'll keep watching the movie with you,

but I don't, I don't care. I mean, I'm zonked, bro.

You wanna sleep in the bed with me?

No.

[LAUGHS][LAUGHS]

Good, man. 'Cause for a second there,

I was a little confused of what you were asking.

I have to for my safety.

[LAUGHS] What?

I have to sleep in bed with you so that I don't die.

These are the rules, my man.

Look, bro, I don't want you to die. I want you to be safe. You're my brother.

- I love you. - I love you.

But we not sleeping in the same bed.

- Yes, we are. - No, we're not.

Yes, we are.

- No, we are not. - Yes, we are.

- We are not. - Yes, we are.

- No. - Yes.

- Well, goodnight, man. - Shut the fuck up.

[CRICKETS CHIRPING][METAL CLANGS SOFTLY]

[EERIE DISCORDANT MUSIC PLAYING]

Oh, shit. No, no, no, no.

Oh, no. Malcolm! Malcolm!

- MALCOLM: I'm in the bathroom. - Ah, ah. Oh, God.

MALCOLM: What's going on?[GRUNTING]

MALCOLM: I am in the bathroom taking a shit. What's happening?

[SCREAMS]

- What are you doing? - What are you doing, man?

- Why'd you leave my side? - I had to take a shit.

Why didn't you wake me up and bring me with you?

Because I'm taking a shit.

I can't be alone.

MALCOLM: I'm not gonna wake you up to bring you in here to take a shit with me.

He's right here. He's taking a dump. He's taking a dump.

Put the rifle down. No, no, no. Get up, get up, get up.

Do not pull me off-Turn around.

- Turn the fuck around. - What are you doing?

TOM: He's right here. What the? God.

Man, there's nobody out there.

[CATCHING BREATH] Well...

They found me.

[SCOFFS] They found you, alright.

- Get out. - Huh?

Get out!

What you are doing is irresponsible.

You are not thinking clearly, man.

Oh, yes, I am.

- TOM: No, you're not. - And when Amy comes home,

I'll explain to her that you kicked in our bathroom door...

I was being hunted... and pulled me off the toilet.

I can't be alone. I've told you that.

- I can't be alone. - I had to go to the bathroom.

- I'm sorry. - What was I supposed to do?

Wake you up so I can have another man watch me dump?

No, that's gross.

I know it's gross. I didn't wanna do it.

I don't have a choice. I can't be alone, man.

Fuck.

[OBJECTS CLANGING]

Hey, you see that guy?

Who, him?

- TOM: Yeah, him. Do you see him? - MALCOLM: Yeah, I see him.

TOM: Just watch me until I get to him.

Please do not leave until I'm with that man, okay?

MALCOLM: You sure?

Yes, I'm sure. You promise you'll keep watching?

I promise I'll watch you.

I'm sorry I pulled you off a toilet while you were taking a dump.

It's all right. I'll forgive you.

We family.

[TENSE PERCUSSIVE MUSIC PLAYING]

[BOTTLES CLATTERING]

Excuse me, sir.

Hi. Uh, are, are you interested in making some money?

Yeah.

- TOM: Yeah? - Yeah, how much?

This is so weird. Very weird.

TOM: You have no idea, man. You're saving my life.

- Now well, how could that be? - Because I can't be alone,

'cause I'm playing this dark web game.

And so the whole thing about it is if I'm alone

even for a second, I can be killed.

But if I'm with you, I'm safe.

So you'll just shadow me and then I'm safe.

AMY: What the fuck is this?

I'm gonna need you to be a little bit more specific.

You need me to be more specific?

How about the stranger who's eating Mom's Raisin Bran.

Is that specific enough for you, Tommy?

Amy, you don't have to-don't be rude, honey.

- Mom. - Don't.

You called me to come over here, so please don't be soft now, okay?

Malcolm told me that you pulled him off the toilet last night

when he was in the middle of using the bathroom.

Well, I asked him to stand. He wouldn't stand.

I'm sorry I revealed his bare bottom. That was not my intention.

And this is James, my new friend.

Hi, James.

Hi, Tommy's family.

Oh, we are very happy to have you.

Mm. I'm very happy to be here. I slept great last night.

Me too, man.

Good. [CHUCKLING][CHUCKLING]

James, would you mind just stepping outside, please,

for a minute, so I can talk to my son now.

Oh, I can't do that. He pays me to shadow him.

It's my job.

MARY: Oh, wow. That is amazing.

- Shadow? - Good work.

Thank you for taking my unique situation seriously.

It genuinely means the world to me.

'Cause I'm kind of in a tough spot

and you're the only one who's kind of helping.

So thank you. But you can step outside.

- Are you sure? - Yeah.

Okay.

- Don't go far. - I won't.

What in the actual fuck is going on with you?

There was a cowboy who had a rifle...

- A cowboy? A cowboy. - TOM: on me last night.

And he was going to shoot me and kill me.

I cannot be alone, you guys.

I thought you were gonna be more supportive

or I never would've signed up for this fucking game.

Oh, that's not fair. - Supportive. - I support this.

So, yes, I hired a person without a home to shadow me.

Why?'Cause you're a weirdo.

Because I don't wanna die.

You cannot have this person sleeping in Mom's house.

We don't know him. It's not safe.

TOM: Then how about this. Are you gonna shadow me?

- No. - TOM: Are you gonna shadow me?

- No, I'm not gonna shadow. - TOM: Are you gonna shadow me?

I don't wanna take away James's job.

So what choice do I have here?

Okay, well, Mom... Mom, kick him out.

He's an adult. He has money. He's got a job.

- Mom, we had a deal. - Kick him out.

You said, as long as I had a job, I could stay with you.

I have a job.

- Mom. - Mom.

- No. Mom. - Mom.

Yeah, I did. No, I did say that.

I remember saying that. But that, now, now this, this whole thing

about picking people up off of the toilet bowls.

Honey, that's, I mean, come on.

That, I mean, no more of that. Okay? All right, that's fair I think.

As long as I got him,

I don't have to pull anybody off a toilet bowl, right?

[LAUGHS] That's why I have him.

But that's over. That's a deal.

Yeah, very tough, Mom. Well done.

[JAMES COUGHING HEAVILY]

Whoa.

This is gonna end badly. I guarantee it.

[ARABIC FUNK MUSIC PLAYING]

[ARABIC FUNK MUSIC CONTINUES]

MARY: Where's your best friend?

TOM: I don't know.

I tried calling him, hopefully he's on his way.

Long and short of it is I gotta crash with you

- a couple of days. - Well, you can't.

Yes, I can.

- No, you can't. - I actually have to.

- Mom kicked me out. - Wow, 'cause you got fired?

Yes, I had to deal with...

Holy shit.

MARY: Oh my God. Is that the Craigslist post?

TOM: It's also happening to me. Shall we chat?

- This is exactly what I want. - Honestly, get your hands off.

Can you just forward it to me?

- Stay here. Don't go away. - Just forward it to me.

Sorry, it's really loud. Gimme one sec.

This is the guy from Craigslist.

MADDY: Oh, hi. Yeah.

I saw your ad. I'm a participant.

How do I know you're real?

MADDY: How do I know you're real?

Yeah, but this could be a setup. You could be hunting me.

- MADDY: You could be hunting me. - TOM: Okay, so let's meet.

You wanna meet in public somewhere so it's safe?

How's that? MADDY: Okay, sure. When?

TOM: Uh, now.

MADDY: No, it's the middle of the night. I could do tomorrow.

Okay, you know where La Cita is downtown?

MADDY: No, but I can figure it out.

Great, let's meet there tomorrow at 10:00 AM.

Can you do that?

MADDY: Okay. How are you gonna recognize me?

You got anything yellow? Like, a yellow hat?

MADDY: I've got a banana sweatshirt.

What's a banana sweatshirt?

MADDY: It's a sweatshirt with a giant banana on it.

Okay. Wear the banana sweatshirt.

MADDY: Okay, are you gonna be wearing yellow?

No, it would be ridiculous if we were both wearing yellow clothes, right?

MADDY: That's a good point. I'll see you tomorrow.

Yeah, great. This is good.

[TENSE MENACING MUSIC PLAYING] Oh shit!

[THUDS][GRUNTING]

[TENSE MENACING MUSIC PLAYING]

[GAGGING]

Stop.

Oh, God. Oh.

- I'm not, I'm not alone. - You're alone.

I'm not! James is coming. He's on his way right now.

Oh, God. Oh, God.

[GAGGING][TENSE MENACING MUSIC PLAYING]

[GROANS]

[BOTTLE CLINKING]

[BOTTLE CRASHES][GROANS]

Help! Fucking help! Help! Help!

SOS! Hey, did you not hear me, man?

- No, what happened? - What the fuck you doing standing here?

I'm here.

I was just choked by a giant. He was trying to kill me.

He, he was wearing a, a red leather jacket with the...

He was wearing a fucking Michael Jackson jacket.

He was wearing the fucking "Thriller" jacket.

You got choked by a giant dressed like Michael Jackson.

He had the zippers.

He had the Michael Jackson "Thriller" video zippers.

Sorry, that's the jacket from... That's not the "Thriller" jacket.

- What? - The "Thriller" jacket?

The one, the- Was it a zippers jacket, right?

Yeah. That from "Beat It."

The "Thriller" jacket, they're similar jackets.

- JAMES: Tommy! - I'm sorry.

Tommy. I'm here. I'm sorry, man.

- Oh, man. - JAMES: I'm sorry, man.

- Where the fuck were you, man? - I was waiting for your call.

I fucking called you ten times.

My phone never rang. Maybe it's dead.

Okay, let's just go, man.

Tell my sister I was almost murdered. Okay?

I'm gonna give her a full report.

Thanks but hang on.

We gotta get that thing a charger, and we're...

It's pretty fucking annoying, but also really cool

how much you know about Michael Jackson, man.

I loved his music when I was a kid.

Thanks. Me too.

TOM: All right. Is your phone 100 percent charged?

- JAMES: Yes, sir. It is. - Okay, let's do this.

[TENSE MUSIC THROUGHOUT]

- TOM: I think that's her. - JAMES: She doesn't look that scary to me.

TOM: Well, you never know. Stay with me, okay?

JAMES: Okay, I got your back. Don't worry about it.

Hi, are you, uh, are you the lady from, uh, Craigslist?

- Yeah. - TOM: You are?

Why aren't you wearing the, uh, banana sweatshirt

- like you said? - Oh, I got self-conscious.

About what?

It's a sweatshirt with a giant banana on it.

But this is yellow, so I wore this.

Do you guys wanna sit?

- Yeah. Let's sit down. - Yeah, please.

- Great. - Uh...

Would you mind sitting there, - James? - I don't mind.

- TOM: Oh, thanks for meeting. - Yeah, sure.

It's nice to meet you. I'm Tom.

- Maddy. - TOM: Maddy?

- Yeah. - TOM: Yeah.

- How many days you got left? - Fifteen.

- You? - Sixteen.

I got a question for ya.

If you're playing the game, then how the fuck are you alone right now?

I'm not alone.

Well, we don't count. We just got here. You were alone before we got here.

- Yeah, my Mom's right over there. - Okay, well, that's my Dad right there.

- Mom? - Yeah, oh, yeah?

- Hi. - Hi.

- MADDY: Just checking in. - MADDY'S MOM: Oh, sure. Hi.

- Anything else I need to prove? - TOM: Let's cut the shit.

[LAUGHS]

You're not with them, right? You're not gonna murder me?

- Are you actually asking me that? - I really am. Yes.

Well, if I was gonna murder you, I wouldn't tell you. I'd just murder you.

Right, but I don't think you're gonna. But just say it so I can hear it.

You're not gonna... No, I'm not gonna murder you.

Are you gonna murder me?

No, I wanna be on the same team as you.

Great.

So that's settled.

This feels good, right?

- Mm-hmm. - Right?

- Mm-hmm. - You think what I'm thinking?

Mm-hmm.[LAUGHS] I hope so.

You know what I think we should do? I think we should partner up.

What does that mean, partner up?

TOM: I mean, spend all of our time together.

They can't kill us if we're together, right? The loophole.

You wanna spend all our time together

after knowing me for five minutes?

Come on, let's just do this. Let's team up. Let's fucking win together.

MADDY: Right.

I, I don't know if I'm ready to say okay to the full 15 days.

[MUMBLING]

I couldn't understand a word you said, buddy.

I said, "Go for what you can get."

Would you be willing to commit for the rest of today?

[ENERGETIC MUSIC PLAYING]

TOM: Wow, look at this.

- Beautiful house. - Wow.

- MADDY: Thanks. - Yeah.

Is it just you and, uh, your parents here then?

Uh, well, it's just me and my Mom. My dad died.

- Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. - No, it was a long time ago.

- He was in a car accident. - Oof.

It was a drunk driver. He was a drunk driver.

He was a veteran though. So his funeral was really beautiful.

He was kind of this, like, beloved figure in the community.

I don't know why I'm saying all that.

It's a lot of info.

You guys wanna see something weird?

- Uh, yeah, sure. - Sure, yeah.

JAMES: Oh, wow. [CHUCKLING]

What is this?

Yeah, it started as a hobby.

I've always liked making just, like,

weird little sculptures, ceramics, that kind of thing.

But Etsy's a wild place. You know?

The custom, like, dog things for people's pets and stuff?

It kind of sells like hot cakes.

[METAL CLANGS]

Did you hear that?

- It's an old house, so. - Right.

[QUIET MENACING MUSIC PLAYING]

Has that door always been like that?

MADDY: I don't know, I don't mark it.

Do you mind if I check it out?

Yeah.

- Do you mind coming with? - MADDY: Yeah, of course.

[MENACING MUSIC CONTINUES]

- Do you wanna hold hands? - Yeah, sure.

[DISCORDANT MUSIC PLAYING]

- Nothing, right? - Yep.

Just, um, Christmas decorations and a couple embarrassing old journals,

I'm guessing. That kind of thing.

And a camera.

- MADDY: No. - Yeah.

- The ninjas have been here. - Holy shit.

Little fucking snakes.

[GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING]

JAMES: Well, I've never been married,

but I never wanted to. I just like my freedom. [LAUGHS]

Well, I've had a lot of love affairs,

but then, um, who hasn't?

I'm sorry, ma'am. What was your question?

I didn't ask one.

- Oh. - I was married once, James.

I regret it. Should have stayed single.

- My ex was a pain in the ass. - Oh, boy. I'll say so.

I was never married, but I did date a woman for a long time. For 23 years.

- Did you say 23? - Yeah.

- Of dating? - Yes.

We felt married. We just never did the paperwork. But...

Well, what happened? Why did it end?

Uh... He doesn't know.

Oh, thank you, James.

We got together when we were young. We were, like, 15.

I thought we were gonna be together forever.

And then, um, I don't know, I guess we grew apart.

One day I came home and she said that was it.

And so, uh, so I left.

And then what?

He hasn't talked to the girl since she dumped him.

- What? - Shut up, James, please.

I've gone to her house a lot to ask her.

I just, I don't even know what I would say.

So you just broke- You just don't know why

- she broke up with you? - TOM: I don't.

- Don't you wanna know? - I would love to know.

- MADDY: Is it killing you? - It's killing me.

Well, this is what we're doing today.

Oh, no, no, no, no. I can't do that today.

Oh, no. We need to find out. If we're gonna be partners,

I need to know - what I'm dealing with. - I don't think you need to know.

Do you wanna be my partner or not?

Uh, this is delicious. So what do you call it?

Spaghetti.

[SIGHS]

[KNOCKING]

[DOOR OPENING]

- Hi, Tommy. - Hey, Theresa. How are ya?

Seen you out here a few times.

How's, uh, how's your baby?

She is good. Her name is Heather. She's almost one.

Are you just here to ask about the baby?

I actually wanted to ask you, um...

how you felt about the, uh, Ellen DeGeneres cancellation.

[LAUGHING] I know what a big fan you were of her show.

Yes, I was very disappointed, as you can imagine.

I've been dying to ask you.

I mean, all the red flags were there. I should have known, but...

Really fucked with my afternoon schedules.

What do you want?

A friend encouraged me to come here and ask you why you broke up with me.

You know why I broke up - with you. - I don't. Just tell me.

- Yes, you do. - No, I don't.

We talked about it so many times. You know.

We never talked. I don't know why.

I don't. If I knew, I wouldn't be here, okay?

And look, I-obviously, we had our, our problems,

but I mean, fuck, we were together forever.

We... [SIGHS]

We were supposed to make it work.

- THERESA: Yeah. - That was our fucking deal.

Yeah, I thought so too.

But your version of being together is just existing

and I needed more from life.

Right. I don't know what that means.

For years, we just did the same things all the time.

We just went to the same restaurants,

and ate the same foods, and sat in the same chairs,

just to, like, not feel anything.

But at a certain point, I wanted to feel things, good and bad.

And I wanted you there with me.

And I really tried.

And you didn't wanna do that. You never wanted to do that.

You just wanted to fucking hide.

You were just, like, stuck and you refused to move.

It's like you're so afraid of feeling that you're already dead.

I had a lot of shit to deal with, and I've been working on it,

and I have fought to get better...

but I don't think you wanted to do that fight, so I had to leave.

Well, what would you do if I told you, uh,

I got better too? What would you say then?

Yeah, well, then I would have to ask you who that man is.

This is an awkward time to explain.

Give it a shot.

This is James.

He follows me for a dark web game where I'm being hunted

for my life and he keeps me safe.

[SIGHS] Right.

Tommy, you have to deal with your emotions.

Okay? You deserve better than this.

MADDY: You know what?

Thank you.

Thank you. I actually owe you one.

'Cause he's awesome and now he's mine.

- Cool. Who is she? - MADDY: I'm his partner.

And we're gonna go live the fuck out of every day

'cause we could die at any moment.

Yes. [LAUGHS] Yeah.

And congratulations on your baby.

You look, I mean, honestly, you look stunning.

I'm so sorry. This isn't about-this isn't about me.

I'm so sorry. I'm really, I'm gonna go.

Take care, Tommy.

Yeah, you too.

Bye, James.

- Good try, buddy. - Thanks, pal.

MADDY: I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

I thought that was gonna be, like, funny,

or I don't know what I thought. That was awful.

That was so awful.

It's okay. It's okay. It needed to happen.

- Really? - Yes. I'm glad.

Okay. Partners? I'm so sorry.

- Yes. [LAUGHS] Partners. - Partners?

Okay, can we do something fun, please?

Yes, please.

Like, what's the most fun thing you can think of?

[SINGING IN SPANISH]

[ENERGETIC MUSIC PLAYING]

I am so glad we're playing this game together.

- I love dancing. - It is so fun.

- MADDY: I'm so bad at it. - You're so good at it.

MADDY: I'm better than you but I'm really bad.

TOM: All right, here you go. I'm good. Thanks, bud.

Um, I need to tell you something.

- Okay. - Uh...

My, uh, Dad didn't die. I lied about that.

He and my mom split up when I was 10.

It wasn't dramatic. Um, no fights or anything.

They just kind of drifted apart

and neither of them fought for the marriage.

So now, um, my nightmare is to be in that relationship,

and I, uh, kind of end up in these situations

with overly dramatic people.

Um, but then I get, like, overwhelmed by their shit

and I leave.

Well, thanks for the honesty.

[GENTLE MUSIC PLAYS ON SPEAKERS]

When I was 10, my dad vanished from the family.

We were just hanging out and everything was fine,

and he and I stayed up really late together.

And we were playing video games and laughing.

And it was one of the most fun nights I'd ever had with him.

And then when I woke up, he was gone.

And we all looked for him and we called the police.

There was, like, no trace of him.

This has been an interesting day.[TOM LAUGHS]

- Right? - Yeah.

It's been a fascinating, uh, first day,

of our partnership in this game together.

Do you wanna get outta here?

Sure. Um, where to?

I'm sorry I didn't want James staying here,

but I think he was content with the hotel room I got him.

Oh, he was really fired up about that hotel room tonight.

- He's excited for the time off. - Yeah, and, and again,

thank you for agreeing to sleep like this.

You know, I'm sorry I'm old school.

So I just thought it would be...

MADDY: Mom, stop... better if...

- Stop, stop, Mom. - Okay, okay.

So, again, you're welcome to use the guest room

if you want and have your own bed. But it's up to you.

That's really sweet of you. But I obviously can't be

away from your daughter or I'm gonna...

Oh, oh, right. Or you'll get murdered. I forgot.

Oh, you know what?

I can't talk to you about this. This is too weird.

You know, you're an adult so I assume you know

what you're doing, so goodnight.

And I hope no one murders either of you.

[MADDY GIGGLES]

- I'm sorry about my Mom. - No, she's great. [LAUGHING]

This is great.

- Thank God this is here. - Yeah, for sure.

Otherwise it would be weird.

[CHUCKLES][CHUCKLES]

Yeah, it would be weird without it. For sure.

All right.

Good day.

- Glad we met. - Mm-hmm.

Goodnight.

Goodnight.[CHUCKLES]

[TENSE MUSIC PLAYING]

Wake up.

My God.

- Are you a ninja? - Production assistant, yeah.

Why are you letting me see you?

Well, you're all of our favorite character.

We think you play with a lot of heart.

Thanks.

You are not as safe as you think you are.

We wanted to warn you.

Why do you keep saying "we" when you're all by yourself?

[TENSE MENACING MUSIC PLAYING]

Hi, guys.

You need to go. You are not safe here.

Yes, I am. I'm with Maddy.

NINJA: Shh.

Look.

Be careful. They're close. Closer than you think.

[EERIE DISCORDANT MUSIC PLAYING]

What the fuck?

[MUSIC CRECENDOING]

Holy-Oh my God.

[GASPING]

- Where were you? - I was getting water.

We need to go to a motel right now, Maddy.

- Is this about my Mom? - What?

Is this about, like, the sleeping situation?

No, it's not about your Mom, it's about...

There was a bunch of contortionist ninjas in here.

They came out of there and he,

there was, like, six of them in here and they told me that it wasn't safe

and I was in danger and we needed to go someplace safer.

We can just move the pillows.

It's not about the pillows.[GIGGLES] Okay.

[GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING]

SINGER: ♪ I had a dream ♪

♪ She took my hand

♪ Led me to a wonderland

How's this?

- TOM: Yeah, it's better, right? - MADDY: Oh, great.

[TOM LAUGHS]

Get up.

MADDY: No, I'm tired. I wanna go to sleep.

Please come out here - just for a second. - MADDY: What?

'Cause I can't. I can't go out there alone. Please.

- MADDY: No. - Please.

[MADDY GROANS] Thank you.

- It's very nice. - TOM: It's really...

- It's very pretty. - TOM: It's pretty.

Do you mind telling me why you agreed to play the game?

Why are you asking me this now?

I'm just so curious.

[WISTFUL MUSIC CONTINUES]

I was very bored.

Like, dangerously bored.

I felt like I needed to do something extreme to shake things up.

Why did you agree to do it?

I guess I did it, uh, 'cause I was lonely.

I felt so alone and, uh, stuck in my routine.

I didn't know how to get out of it.

And as soon as that fucking guy mentioned the loophole,

a light bulb went off.

And I thought, "Well, that's what I've been craving."

I want to be around people more, so I'll do that.

And it's worked. [LAUGHS]

Yeah. I think we sort of did it for the same reason.

I bet everybody who's played this game has done it for the same reason.

- Maybe. - Maybe.

- Let's go to bed. - Yeah, let's go to bed.

[MUSIC FADES][DOORKNOB RATTLING]

[TENSE MENACING MUSIC PLAYING]

Oh no. No. We're together.

Hey, hey. Hey, man, we're together.

You can't do this, man. Those aren't the rules.

Sorry, maintenance. I thought the room was empty.

Oh, fucking bullshit with you.

If you're maintenance then why are you dressed

like a Mario brother?

MADDY: Tommy?

What do you mean Mario brother?

You know what I mean. Fucking look at you.

MADDY: Hey... No, I don't know what you mean.

I'm also the manager of this motel. This is our uniform.

Well, what are you, are you maintenance or are you the fucking manager?

Can't I be both?

The, the uniform's kind of ridiculous, so.

Alright. I need to improve the uniform.

I'm sorry for interrupting your sleep.

Just stay out of our fucking room, Mario. You hear me?

We're together now.

[EERIE DISCORDANT MUSIC PLAYING]

Well...

if I'm Mario...

who does that make you, huh?

Huh? King Koopa?

What is King Koopa?

What? You don't know the characters?

MADDY: It's the bad guy from Mario Brothers.

- It's a really good reference. - I'm not the bad guy. You're the bad guy.

I'm the guy trying to survive.

So in your scenario that make you Mario.

Yeah, he's Mario.

And that doesn't mean I'm Princess Peach, by the way. I'm fucking Luigi.

[LAUGHS]

You wanna be Luigi? His twin brother?

- Not the princess? - MADDY: Well, I...

I mean, I guess I wasn't thinking about the fact that it's like a bro...

I guess Mario Brothers. They are brothers.

MANAGER: Yeah. I was just... I want it to be clear

that it's, like, a partnership and I feel like...

Just stay out of our fucking room. How about that, man?

'Cause we're together.

MADDY: Oh! Oh my gosh.

- TOM: Fucking Christ. - Oh my God. [LAUGHS]

- That was incredible. - Yeah.

MADDY: Can you imagine if I hadn't answered your ad?

I'd just be asleep in bed, and instead I'm yelling at some guy

at three in the morning, calling him like a Mario Brother.

Okay, we gotta go.

- What are you doing? - We have to go obviously.

- No, no, no, no, no, no. - Yes, we do.

It's just not safe here. We have to go.

MADDY: Hey. No, no, no.

- It's safe. - It's not safe.

Tommy. You're not serious. Where would we even go?

No, no, no, no, no, we're not...

- We're not doing that. - We have to do it.

Tommy, we just... We're fine.

- Okay, you know what? - I don't understand what's happening.

Here's what's happening. Did you see how close he was?

- Yes. - Did you see how aggressive he was?

- Yes. - I mean, he walked into our...

And we're fine 'cause we're together.

Right. But we have to be, like, so perfect.

Okay.

It can't be as sloppy as it was back at your house, right?

- MADDY: Okay. - It's gotta be 100 percent on.

- MADDY: Okay. - Or we're dead.

Look, I really, really like hanging with you.

I feel like I have been waiting for you.

And now that I got you, - I don't wanna die. - MADDY: Okay.

I'm...

[SIGHS] I'm not going anywhere.

Okay?

- Okay, I'm not going anywhere. - Good, then...

So then we have to spend the next...

Great... two weeks or so...

Great... like fucking this.

I'm not worried about it, - are you? - No, no.

All right, well, I promise I'm not going anywhere. I'm with you.

- You're not getting rid of me. - Okay, good. Then we're...

- We're together. - Yeah.

[BRIGHT AFROBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

SINGER: ♪ My love ♪

♪ Will you promise ♪

♪ To be mine

♪ And I'll be yours

♪ When the roses grow

♪ I'll be there to smile

♪ And to kiss you

♪ Love me more ♪

♪ Only heaven knows

♪ What's in store for us ♪

♪ In this simple act

♪ We call it love

♪ You bet you can't deny

♪ When your heart is bruised ♪

♪ And yet you become his love

[CELL PHONE VIBRATES]

Holy shit.

There's another participant. Look. Look.

I am also playing. I have info that you will want.

[LAUGHS APPREHENSIVELY][LAUGHS]

We don't wanna do that, right?

I mean, we have to see.

You wanna involve somebody else? Now?

I feel like we've got a pretty good thing going here.

- I would rather not fuck it up. - Right.

I'm feeling really good.

Like, kind of better than I've felt in a while.

Sorry, are you listening?

Yeah, yeah. I'm sorry. I am. There's another person playing.

MADDY: Hey, you're not listening. It sucks.

Maddy.

They could be playing the game and they could be alone

and in danger and we could help.

Do you remember how we were before we met each other?

How fucking scary that was? How lonely we were?

Well, they could be like this right now and we could help them.

Right?

[STAMMERING] Or they could help us.

They could have information that changes our game.

We don't know. We have to try.

And what is there? What, what's the risk?

Nothing. We have each other. Right?

Right.

But this could be huge for us. This could help our game so much.

[TENSE MUSIC BUILDING]

Sit down.

- How many days you got left? - I'm 11. She's, uh, 10.

[SNICKERS]

What's so funny?

I don't wanna burst your bubble, man, but the game is a joke.

They're laughing at us.

Oh, that's good to know.

Right? It's a good thing we met you.

Yeah, that's probably everything we need though. We should...

You don't wanna know how the game works?

TOM: I do want to know how the game works.

Well, we're still playing. So I don't... Of course, yeah. Please tell us.

They pick a certain type of contestant. You wanna know what the type is?

- Analytical. - Kinda cute.

CHARLIE: Hell no.

They pick people really going through shit. Like, struggling.

Those are the ones they take advantage of.

The kind of people when other people start to doubt them,

they doubt themselves too.

Right.

Tom, I think we should go.

CHARLIE: You guys ready for the other surprise?

- Yeah. - Not really.

The show is a comedy.

How's it a comedy? They're trying to fucking kill us.

That's it right there.

The people trying to kill you are dressed up just to get some laughs.

Like me, I'm getting hunted by a sumo wrestler

and a guy dressed like Sinbad.

A sumo wrestler?

And Sinbad, like, the comedian?

Yeah. And they're dangerous as fuck too.

So the show's, like, um, like, "Let's Make a Deal."

Is that the one with Wayne Brady?

Yeah, it's actually- It's a surprisingly good show.

- He's a great host. - No surprises there at all.

That motherfucker is all talent.

I've never seen the show.

- CHARLIE: Yes. - It's fun.

- CHARLIE: It's a good show. - Okay, I'll check it out.

Do you even know the title of the show you're on?

No, they never told me.

- Did they tell you? - No.

DOG. D, period, O, period, G. Delusions of Grandeur.

You're stuck in a spider web and don't even know it.

Charlie. Enough's enough. It's time to go.

Bring your ass on. Now. [MUMBLING] Gonna sit in the car.

That's my Dad. He's on one. I gotta go.

TOM: I don't even know, uh...

- what to say. - Yeah, um, I need to go home.

- TOM: Yeah? - Yeah.

TOM: Great, yeah. That's smart.

Just to get closer to the people and places we're familiar with.

No um, I'm gonna, I think I'm gonna go home alone.

What does that mean, alone? Without me?

Yeah, I just need, need the night at least

to kind of breathe. Does that make sense?

Uh, emotionally, yeah. In terms of the game, no, not at all.

Um, okay. How about this?

I can just drive you wherever you want to go.

And maybe tomorrow we can check in and,

and see where we're at kind of.

Or, or, or, sorry.

Or we could go back to the motel and I'll just give you,

- I'll just give you more space. - MADDY: Right.

The motel where we sleep in the same bed

and we can't be more than three feet apart.

TOM: Well, we can... I can take, I can take you wherever you want.

And I'll, I'll wait until somebody's with you.

I think this is a really bad idea and they could kill us.

[SIGHS] Yeah, um...

I'm okay with you thinking that.

TOM: Maddy. Maddy, please.

Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you.

What is happening?

I don't know where the cameras are, but I know they're here.

I know you guys have been here. You're sneaky as fuck.

And I know that the ninjas have been here.

I know the real name. Delusions of Grandeur.

Fuck off. I got it. Very clever. And guess what?

I don't care. And guess what?

You tried to get my family not to believe me.

Well, I got James. And guess what? He's become a friend.

Maybe even a friend for life.

- This is your brother. - Yeah.

TOM: And if I find out Madeline gets hurt,

I'm gonna fucking kill Andy Samberg. Maddy dies, Samberg dies.

I'll turn that motherfucker into a pinata. You understand what I'm saying?

I'll put his head on a fucking stick.

He'll be a little pinata boy. [LAUGHS]

Ya fucked with the wrong guy. I'll kill Andy Samberg.

[TENSE PERCUSSIVE MUSIC PLAYING]

Tommy.

You gotta go. There's a limo outside waiting for you.

I don't want to go - to a limo right now. - You don't have a choice.

Is this about... [SIGHS]

me saying I would murder Andy Samberg?

I don't know.'Cause I, I would never do that.

I was just saying it 'cause I was mad.

- I don't know. You gotta go. - Am I in trouble?

I don't know.

Let's go.

[EERIE DISCORDANT MUSIC PLAYING]

[TENSE PERCUSSIVE MUSIC PLAYING]

Hi, Tommy.

Hi, Dad.

How's your mother?

She's good, yeah. Mom's doing-Mary? Amy?

Good. Everybody's doing really good in the last 30 years.

How are you?

Oh, real good. [LAUGHS]

Actually...

Living in Cleveland, sober.

I'm sorry, uh, what, uh...

- What are you doing here? - Right. [CHUCKLES]

And I don't mean to be rude, Dad.

I'm just trying to do the math on what the fuck's happening.

[CHUCKLING][LAUGHS] I didn't expect to see you.

Well, yeah. [CHUCKLING] Yeah. [CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

I'm here to tell you... that Madeline is unharmed.

What are you talking about?

A few hours ago, a guy named Wayne Brady knocked on my door.

Next thing I know... [CHUCKLES]

I'm on a, a private jet.

Now I'm sitting here with you.

All right, Dad, well, this was interesting but, um...

Tommy.

When I, I left,

when you and me stayed up... Hey.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. No.

No. No.

Don't do this right now.

I can't do the big fucking Dad talk right now.

[STAMMERS]

What the fuck is going on now? We're doing a Dad talk?

If I try to do a Dad talk, my fucking head is gonna explode.

I understand.

I mean, don't get me wrong.

I have wanted to have this moment with you

since the night you fucking left.

I've dreamt of this fucking moment, man. But not now.

'Cause all I'm thinking about now is Madeline's safety.

I like her so much.

I hope no one hurts her, son. Or you.

And that you get to spend your lives together.

Don't be like me. Don't fuck up a good thing.

[SIGHING] Hey, Dad.

Is this real-life right now? Is this really happening?

I think so.

Okay.

Okay.

I love you, Dad.

Oh, man.

TOM: Mm-hmm.

- All right. - Okay.

[TENSE PERCUSSIVE MUSIC PLAYING]

- TOM: Been calling her for days. - JAMES: Maybe she wants some space.

Hi.

Hey, I've been trying you for days. Are you okay?

- I'm fine. I'm fine. - TOM: You're safe? Hundred percent?

Yeah.

TOM: Oh my God. - Come here, please. - Tommy. I was lying.

TOM: I know, we've been over that. I don't care.

No. Tommy, about the game.

Um. I'm not playing a game.

- What are you talking about? - I saw your ad and I...

was really bored and lonely, and um...

I thought it was a joke. I thought this was like...

roleplaying dating or something...

What are you talking about? What is this?

This is the truth. I...

I'm so sorry. I didn't know.

- Who got to you? - Nobody.

TOM: Who told you to say this?

Tommy, nobody.

Yeah. Was it fucking Wayne Brady?

Did Wayne Brady come here and tell you to say that?

That son of a fucking bitch.

I can assure you Wayne Brady was not here.

[PHONE DINGS]

Oh, for fuck's sake.

- They got my Mom. - MADDY: Who got your Mom?

Fucking hunters, Maddy.

Please, please keep up with me. James, go as fast as you can!

Shit. Shit. Shit.

[PANTING][TENSE PERCUSSIVE MUSIC PLAYING]

[GRUNTING AND GROANING]

- IMPERSONATOR: Ah! - Ah, God.

Whoo. Hi. I, I'm Ellen DeGeneres.

Sorry, but you don't really look like Ellen DeGeneres to me.

You're probably a little nervous, 'cause you're a big fan.

You've come to my taping before.

Yeah? You, you and, uh, your ex-girlfriend, didn't you?

Yeah, we went. How do you know that?

Well, get in the car, Tom. We can talk about it in private.

But it's not a limousine.

Well, I, I like a Lincoln.

Why the fuck would you like a Lincoln?

Come on, don't be a car snob. Just, just get in the car.

- I'm not a car snob. - IMPERSONATOR: Tommy, please.

TOM: Why would you like a Lincoln over a limo?

[WEAPON THWACKS][GROANS]

IMPERSONATOR: Get in the fucking car.

Hey, it's Ellen DeGeneres from TV. She's giving away guest blocks.

JAMES: Tommy! What the hell happened to you, man?

TOM: I got hit in the face.

Oh, well, that's what happens when you go too fast.

- Here, gimme your hand. - You gotta keep up with me, man.

MAN: Did you say Ellen DeGeneres was here?

No, that wasn't Ellen DeGeneres. It was a murderer, you asshole!

What?

- How's it look? - Awful. Wipe your mouth.

MAN: Did you just call me an asshole?

[TENSE PERCUSSIVE MUSIC PLAYING]

TOM: Almost there.

JAMES: Yeah, yeah, you said that about ten minutes ago.

Okay, come on, come on. Please, please, please. Hurry up.

What is this?

What does it look like? It's an intervention.

- For me? - No, for Mom.

We're all just facing the wrong direction.

What the hell happened to your tooth?

Oh, I got hit in the face by an Ellen DeGeneres impersonator.

- Did it hurt? - It was a pretty clean hit.

Yes, it hurt, but it's kind of fine now.

Hi, Tom. I'm Lindsay.

I'm an interventionist and I'd like to welcome you

to have a seat with us for a while.

Hi, Lindsay. An inter... What do you think? I'm a drug addict?

- Do you think I'm on drugs? - No, it's about your mental health.

MARY: Or, I mean... We're not really sure what it is.

Or maybe it's about attention or, like, Theresa dumped you.

TOM: Okay, well, then how about fucking this?

I saw Theresa and we're good. We talked.

Oh, yeah?

Okay, well, maybe it's about Dad never being around.

I saw Dad.

He says hi to everybody.

Yeah, he lives in Cleveland. He claims to be sober,

and he was pretty apologetic about how he left.

You saw Dad?

Yeah, we were in a limousine together.

Uh, Wayne Brady, um, I guess found him and put him on a private jet.

Wayne Brady's friends with Dad?

I'm not sure if Wayne Brady's friends with him,

but yeah, that's what Dad said.

There are a lot of people in this room who really love you.

So why don't you just sit for a while.

- AMY: Hey, hey. Tommy? - What?

AMY: Just sit down.

No offense, but this woman is ridiculously expensive,

so please, thank you.

Okay, we hired someone. We hired someone to search for your dark web show.

They found nothing, honey.

No thanks, buddy.

Well, maybe the person that you hired is part of the game.

Have you brainiacs ever thought of that?

- Maybe it's a setup. - MOM: Oh, Tommy.

Tommy, we've been down this road so many times.

And it's not the first time that you thought the world was against you.

It just happens to be the latest.

Honey, please accept it.

There's a ninja out the window right now.

But don't look, they'll just run away. It'll make me look worse.

There's no ninja.

What's that ninja doing? Something really cool?

Like, some back flips, some kicks, or are they just chilling?

Just chilling.

That's disappointing.

- MARY: Flips would've been cool. - Okay, stop it. It's not funny.

MARY: Used to be funny.

- Uh, excuse me, uh, Lindsay. - LINDSAY: Yes.

This is a lot to take in, um,

and, um, I'm just wondering before I make my decision

and we get to the letters, if I can just take a minute.

Um, just to process and then I'm happy to get in. Is that okay?

- Sure. - TOM: Thank you.

Would you stop fucking snacking and come with me, man?

That's all you ever say to me.

Stop snacking is all I say to you? [LAUGHS]

- Yeah. - That's not it.

- JAMES: Oh, it isn't? - TOM: No.

AMY: Well, that went really bad.

I can't believe one tooth can change a face so much.

- Right? - Oh! There, he's running.

- AMY: No, Tommy. - TOM: Go, go, go, go, go.

AMY: Oh, goddamn it. I'm calling the police.

[LAUGHING]

Man, I gotta admit, this has been a lot of fun.

I agree, man.

It's been great having you part of it, James. It really has.

Also, you should know my name's not James.

It's Walter.[LAUGHS]

- Is that true? - Yes, that's true.

So why the fuck did you tell me your name was James?

I didn't tell you my name was James.

You just started calling me James.

What? [CHUCKLING]

- I just made up James? - Yes, you did.

But don't worry about it, man.

Um... All right.

- We're friends now. - Okay.

- Sorry I did that. - So you should know my real name.

Yeah, I agree, man. [LAUGHING]

Sometimes my brain does shit, man.

Well, Walter, when I win this fucking game, which I will...

I'd like to buy you a place, man.

- For reals? - Hundred percent. You deserve it, man.

- No, no. - You're a great fucking guy.

- No, no, man. - And I don't...

I don't want you - living like this. - It's too much.

We're friends, right?

- Yeah. - So I got you.

Listen to me.

Keep your head in the game, kid.

Remember what you're doing. Remember the rules.

You can win. Don't quit.

Okay.

- You're good? - Yeah.

Okay. Me too.

Okay. [CHUCKLES][CHUCKLES]

Boy, we are a toothless bunch of old dudes, ain't we?

[LAUGHS][LAUGHS]

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

TOM: Excuse me. Have you seen the guy I was with, with the big beard?

What the fuck is going on? James!

[TENSE PERCUSSIVE MUSIC PLAYING]

Walter!

[TENSE DISCORDANT MUSIC THROUGHOUT]

Have you seen the guy I was with, with the big beard?

It's a dark web reality show.

I'm being hunted, I just can't be alone.

So that's why I came here, cause my family doesn't trust me. So...

[TENSE PERCUSSIVE MUSIC CONTINUES]

[GLASS SHATTERS][CAR HORNS HONKING]

I'd prefer to go home, believe me, you know,

but it's only a couple more days, so...

TOM: So I've got about 24 hours left, and then I win.

That's it. That's it.

[CAR HORNS HONKING]

[MUSIC FADES ABRUPTLY]

NINJA: Wake up.

[SIGHS]

It's day 30, is it over?

- Did I win? - No.

Then why are you here?

We're just here to give you instructions on the ending of the game.

Okay.

You can just bring out the other ninjas, I know they're here.

Hey.

So what happens now, how does it end?

- There will be a limo. - You need to get in it.

It will take you to the ending.

That's it. Those are the instructions.

Okay, where's the limo?

I don't know, but, uh, they did tell me to tell you

that you need to leave this area to find the limo.

I have to leave here? Why?

They feel like the audience is getting bored

watching you sleeping under this bridge.

They feel like it's getting a little depressing.

TOM: Really?

It is a comedy, remember?

Well, I'm sorry I'm not being more entertaining,

but people are trying to murder me.

We get it. But they do want a more exciting ending.

That's why we got rid of Walter in the first place.

They felt like your relationship was too repetitive.

You took Walter? You didn't hurt him, did you?

No, he's sleeping in a motel right now until you either win or die.

He's quite happy with the set up.

Well I'm sure he is.

We recommend that you find someone getting outta here

and you follow them.

- The limo will find you. - Okay.

Maybe her?

[TENSE PERCUSSIVE MUSIC THROUGHOUT]

[TOM GROANS]

Sir, why'd you follow me?

Oh, I wasn't following you.

We just both happened to be doing the same thing.

[MENACING MUSIC PLAYING]

How are you doing, Mr. Walcott?

Boy, you have been one hell of a contestant.

Excuse me, can you see him?

Stop talking to me.

Mm-hmm. Woah.

I'm not alone. We're together.

[CHUCKLING] You will be. And I'm a patient man.

Do you mind if I ask you a question?

Go ahead.

Have you figured it out?

That this whole game was set up just for you?

All that Michael Jackson shit.

You and your dad playing video games,

and your ex with Ellen DeGeneres.

[GENTLE EERIE MUSIC PLAYING]

So then who are you?

I think maybe you watched a few too many westerns, huh?

[TENSE MUSIC PLAYING]

[TENSE PERCUSSIVE MUSIC THROUGHOUT]

[DRAMATIC PERCUSSIVE MUSIC PLAYING]

[PANTING]

[CAR TIRES SQUEAL]

[SCREAMS]

[TENSE PERCUSSIVE MUSIC CONTINUES]

[CAR ENGINE REVS]

[CAR BRAKES SCREECH]

[GASPING]

[TIRES SCREECH]

[BREATHING HEAVY, CLEARING THROAT]

Hi.

- Me again. - Hi.

So, you been having fun?

Did you just ask if I was having fun?

Um... yes?

No! I'm not having fun!

Okay.

This has been a goddamn nightmare, Andy Samberg.

Well I'm sorry to hear that. But truth be told...

since I last saw you, things haven't been that great for me either. So...

[CLEARS THROAT] Been on a little bit of a bender.

- You've been on a bender? - SAMBERG: Lot of ups and downs.

[CHUCKLING] Currently in a big down.

In a big down. Thus, me, back here with you.

- For a little money gig. - What do you even want?

You know what, you're actually totally right.

I'm gonna keep this moving

so I can get paid, you can be on your way, and I can...

[SINGING] ♪ Take it back to squeaky street. ♪

[CHUCKLING] I'm just kidding!

No more of that.

Just getting my money so I can pay everyone back that I owe.

If you're watching, I'm just joking around,

you're gonna get your money. Here we go. [CLEARS THROAT]

Thomas Walcott. Smelly, no tooth.

Doesn't really say that, I was just joking.

Gotta keep it light. Congratulations. You have made it to the limo.

But the game is not over. You have a choice.

Do you want to continue playing, or end it now,

and return to your home safely but receive no money?

- I'm gonna do it. - Really?

Yeah, really. I've come this far, I need to finish what I started.

Why would you... You know what? Fine.

I get paid more if you keep going, so great.

He wants to keep going. Let's keep going.

[TIRES SQUEAL][ENGINE HUMS]

[GROANING] Jesus fucking Christ.

Hey uh, would you do me a favor? Roll your window down.

You're pretty ripe.

[WINDOW HUMS][SIGHS] Thank you.

Okay. Good luck, man.

[TENSE PERCUSSIVE MUSIC THROUGHOUT]

[TIRES SQUEAL]

WRESTLER: Hey, boo.

Can I talk to you? I got some information about Maddy.

Hey, Tommy, come this way. Towards me.

- We're friends with Charlie. - Sinbad...

- Come here. - Fuck. [YELLS]

Tommy.[GRUNTING]

[SHOUTING INCOHERENTLY]

SINBAD: Tommy![YELLS]

[SHOUTING AND GROANING]

SAMURAI: [SHOUTING][YELLS]

TOM: Holy shit.

Oh, fuck. Oh, shit.

[YELLING AND PANTING]

I won! I won! I won!

[UNNERVING MUSIC PLAYING]

Where are the fucking guys? I won!

It's been 30 days. The limo picked me up, I made it!

I told you when we were sitting here,

your game was beatable, and it was.

And I beat you!

You tried to break me, but you failed at that too.

You actually made me stronger.

You wanna know why? 'Cause I learned things.

First of all, I got over my ex. Check mark.

Second of all, I saw my Dad. Thank you.

Fucking check mark.

Third of all, I met a new woman and she's excellent.

So how's this?

I know that I won, and you owe me a million dollars,

and I'm not leaving until you bring it to me.

Just gimme my goddamn money so I can get on with my life

for fuck's sake.

[LIGHTS SLAMMING ON]

[APPLAUSE]

INTERVIEWER 1: Congratulations. You survived 30 days.

- You are our first winner! - You won our game!

How does it feel to be a winner?

Pretty good. [CHUCKLING] Pretty good.

Stoked for you, Tommy.

Thanks, man. You helped me a lot. All you guys did.

I mean, not you, Samurai. [LAUGHS]

- TOM: I just met you. - INTERVIEWER 1: And you remember this guy.

- OUTLAW: You beat me, ya prick. - TOM: [LAUGHS]

Even that was scary. [LAUGHING]

TOM: What is this?

This is Danish Kroner. It's the currency of Greenland.

Thank you. And I'm really glad you didn't kill me.

You're very welcome.

TOM: I think I learned from this game,

I'm ready to shake things up. Let's try new things.

Yeah.

I fucking won! [CHUCKLING] I won the game!

Fuck yeah! [LAUGHS]

Wow! What a fucked-up game! [LAUGHING]

TOM: Was it dangerous? Uh, yeah, it actually really was.

Was it worth it? Hmm.

You bet your ass it was. 'Cause we're talking a million dollars.

And I won. [LAUGHS]

So I'd like to thank you guys for fucking nothing,

because you didn't believe in me,

and you were wrong and I was right.

And you all have egg on your face.

So what do you have to say for yourselves?

I'm glad you fixed your tooth, 'cause it really looked terrible.

MARY: Comedically. - I preferred it before. - MOM: So you won.

So does that, does that mean you're, you're a millionaire now, honey?

Uh, obviously with this game, there's always twists and turns

and it's happened with the currency.

What's the twist with the currency?

Yeah, how much- How much did you...

I wonder what the twist is with the currency.

Are you a millionaire or not?

- Yeah, so. - MALCOLM: Of course.

Yeah, so the way they're doing the payment on this one is uh,

it's four grand a month for, I think it's 250 months.

And it's in Greenlandic currency. So I don't know the conversion.

That's very interesting. Greenlandic currency.

I wonder where that terrible idea came from.

Not so bad! That's, like, 12 years.

- MARY: Yeah. - AMY: Okay well, that's it. I'm done.

Uh, Wayne Brady, big fan.

- Yeah. - Aw, thank you.

Uh, you wanna grab lunch or something, or are you down?

- Yeah, yeah, no I'm down. - Great. Awesome. Yeah, cool.

Thank you. Alright, well good to see everybody.

AMY: It's just like a lot, you know what I mean?

WAYNE: Hey, thank you.

WALTER: So, what are you gonna tell Maddy if she asks about the game?

TOM: I'm gonna tell her the truth.

The game's over. Time to move on.

Alright. Here goes nothing. Now or never.

Yeah, here goes nothing.

You want me to come with you?

No, no. I wanna do it on my own. But thanks.

I'll see you back at the apartment, though, all right?

Come on, hug it up.

Thanks. I'll see you back - at home, okay? - Yeah, I'll see you at home.

Alright. You're the best.

[SIGHS]

[UPBEAT FOLK MUSIC PLAYING]

[EXHALES SHARPLY]

SINGER: ♪ Now what I want is an easy movement ♪

[SIGHS]

SINGER: ♪ So kindly go gently with me ♪

[FOLK MUSIC CONTINUES]

SINGER: ♪ Now what I want is freedom of my legs ♪

♪ So kindly keep back a little ♪

♪ I don'’t like it when you'’re holding my hips ♪

♪ I want you to rock me like this ♪

♪ I don'’t like it when you're touching my breast ♪

♪ I'd like you to be at your best ♪

♪ Oh mister, please go easy ♪

♪ So mister, I say, go easy with me ♪

♪ It is true that the music is sweet ♪

♪ But kindly keep me released ♪

♪ Now what I see is that you'’re getting too hot ♪

♪ Sir please, suppress your feeling ♪

♪ I say mister, please suppress your ♪

♪ So mister, I say, suppress your ♪

♪ I don'’t like it when you're holding my hips ♪

♪ I want you to rock me like this ♪

♪ I don'’t like it when you're touching my breast ♪

♪ I'd like you to be at your best ♪

♪ Oh mister, please go easy ♪

♪ So mister, I say, go easy with me, alright! ♪

[BRIGHT UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

[BRIGHT UPBEAT MUSIC CONTINUES]

SINGER: ♪ Wake up in the morning

♪ It's a quarter to three ♪

♪ I hit the street ♪

♪ Wake up in the morning

♪ It's a quarter to three ♪

♪ I hit the street ♪

♪ Now that my mind is racing

♪ And rolling around ♪

♪ I can't sleep anymore ♪

♪ Now that my mind is racing

♪ And rolling around ♪

♪ I can't sleep anymore ♪

[MUSIC ENDS]