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Downloaded from
YTS.MX
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[upbeat music]
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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
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[cheering]
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[cheers and applause]
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- LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
ROB SCHNEIDER.
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[cheers and applause]
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- THANK YOU,
SAN JOSE, CALIFORNIA.
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00:00:35,600 --> 00:00:37,689
BOY, YOU'VE GOT
SOME TRAFFIC OUT HERE.
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HOLY SHIT, YOU GOT TRAFFIC.
L.A.'S GOT NOTHING ON YOU GUYS.
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I'M TELLING YOU, MAN.
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YOU KNOW IT'S BAD TRAFFIC
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WHEN I'M GETTING RECOGNIZED
IN TRAFFIC.
14
00:00:45,523 --> 00:00:50,093
"DUDE, WHAT'S UP?"
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00:00:50,137 --> 00:00:52,313
I DON'T CARE HOW LONG YOU'VE
BEEN FAMOUS, IT'S STILL WEIRD.
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00:00:52,356 --> 00:00:53,836
YOU KNOW, IT'S WEIRD
GETTING RECOGNIZED,
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00:00:53,879 --> 00:00:55,577
SOMETIMES MORE FUN
THAN OTHER TIMES.
18
00:00:55,620 --> 00:00:57,318
I LIKE IT WHEN OLDER,
BLACK WOMEN RECOGNIZE ME
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00:00:57,361 --> 00:01:00,973
'CAUSE OLDER BLACK WOMEN MAKE
YOU PROVE WHO YOU ARE.
20
00:01:05,108 --> 00:01:08,807
"TELL ME WHY I KNOW YOU."
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[laughter]
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"DON'T YOU WALK AWAY FROM ME.
YOU TELL ME WHY I KNOW YOU."
23
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"I DON'T KNOW.
I'M AN ACTOR, ROB SCHNEIDER."
24
00:01:19,209 --> 00:01:21,168
"YOU AIN'T NO ROB SNYDER."
25
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[laughter]
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"ROB SNYDER AIN'T NO MIDGET,
BABY. MM-MM."
27
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[laughter]
28
00:01:28,740 --> 00:01:30,786
"CHECK OUT
THIS DWARF-LOOKING MOTHERFUCKER
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00:01:30,829 --> 00:01:32,570
"SAYING HE'S ROB SNYDER.
30
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MM-MM, BABY, MM-MM."
31
00:01:37,097 --> 00:01:39,099
SOMETIMES PEOPLE SEE ME
AND EXPECT ME
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00:01:39,142 --> 00:01:40,143
TO PERFORM LIKE I'M SOME KIND
OF TRAINED SEAL
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00:01:40,187 --> 00:01:41,927
OR SOMETHING, I DON'T KNOW.
34
00:01:41,971 --> 00:01:44,365
"WHY DON'T YOU DO A SCENE
FROM ONE OF YOUR MOVIES?"
35
00:01:44,408 --> 00:01:46,236
"WHAT?"
36
00:01:46,280 --> 00:01:49,979
"YOU KNOW, LIKE THAT
'SOMETHING ABOUT MARY' MOVIE."
37
00:01:50,022 --> 00:01:53,200
"FIRST OF ALL, I WASN'T EVEN
IN THAT MOVIE.
38
00:01:53,243 --> 00:01:57,856
"I DON'T GIVE A FUCK.
YOU KNOW THAT MOVIE. COME ON.
39
00:01:57,900 --> 00:02:00,207
YOU A ACTOR, AIN'T YOU?"
40
00:02:00,250 --> 00:02:03,862
[laughter]
41
00:02:03,906 --> 00:02:05,473
SEE, HERE'S THE WEIRD THING
ABOUT BEING FAMOUS.
42
00:02:05,516 --> 00:02:07,344
YOU KNOW, I'M USUALLY
A NICE GUY. I'LL SAY HI.
43
00:02:07,388 --> 00:02:09,172
I'LL TAKE A PICTURE WITH PEOPLE.
I'LL SIGN AN AUTOGRAPH.
44
00:02:09,216 --> 00:02:10,695
BUT LET'S SAY
I HAVE A BAD MOMENT.
45
00:02:10,739 --> 00:02:12,349
IT'S POSSIBLE, RIGHT?
YOU KNOW?
46
00:02:12,393 --> 00:02:13,698
THAT'LL PROBABLY BE
THE ONLY INTERACTION I HAVE
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00:02:13,742 --> 00:02:14,917
WITH THAT PARTICULAR PERSON
48
00:02:14,960 --> 00:02:16,353
THEIR ENTIRE LIFE,
MY ENTIRE LIFE.
49
00:02:16,397 --> 00:02:18,355
NO MATTER WHAT MOVIE,
TV SHOW I EVER MAKE,
50
00:02:18,399 --> 00:02:20,749
ALL THEY'RE GONNA REMEMBER IS,
LIKE, "HEY, THERE'S THAT ASSHOLE
51
00:02:20,792 --> 00:02:22,838
THAT KICKED MY CHILD
IN THE FACE," YOU KNOW?
52
00:02:22,881 --> 00:02:23,839
[laughter]
53
00:02:23,882 --> 00:02:25,449
[imitates thud]
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00:02:25,493 --> 00:02:27,538
[laughter]
55
00:02:27,582 --> 00:02:29,845
PEOPLE HAVE NO PROBLEM COMING UP
TO ME AND SAYING, LIKE,
56
00:02:29,888 --> 00:02:32,195
"HEY, YOU LOOK SHORT
IN PERSON."
57
00:02:32,239 --> 00:02:34,328
"THANK YOU."
58
00:02:34,371 --> 00:02:38,158
"NO, BUT IN A WEIRD,
UNHEALTHY WAY,
59
00:02:38,201 --> 00:02:40,421
"LIKE SOMETHING'S WRONG
WITH YOU.
60
00:02:40,464 --> 00:02:43,424
"CAN YOU DRIVE A NORMAL CAR?
61
00:02:43,467 --> 00:02:46,209
"DO BOTH YOUR KIDNEYS WORK?
62
00:02:46,253 --> 00:02:47,863
"WHEN YOU GO
TO A SPORTING EVENT,
63
00:02:47,906 --> 00:02:51,562
"DOES SOMEBODY HAVE TO
PICK YOU UP TO USE THE URINAL?
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00:02:51,606 --> 00:02:53,564
DO YOU LIVE
AS LONG AS A TORTOISE?"
65
00:02:53,608 --> 00:02:56,306
YOU KNOW,
I GET ALL THAT SHIT.
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00:02:56,350 --> 00:02:57,655
ONE THING THAT SUCKS
ABOUT BEING SHORT, YOU KNOW,
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00:02:57,699 --> 00:02:59,091
YOU GO SOMEWHERE,
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00:02:59,135 --> 00:03:00,832
AND A GIRL WANTS
TO TAKE A PICTURE WITH YOU.
69
00:03:00,876 --> 00:03:03,095
SHE PUTS HER ARM AROUND YOU,
AND SHE WALKS AWAY, YOU GOT
70
00:03:03,139 --> 00:03:06,186
THAT WHITE ANTIPERSPIRANT STAIN
RIGHT THERE.
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00:03:06,229 --> 00:03:09,972
WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?
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00:03:10,015 --> 00:03:12,888
SHE GOT ME OVER HERE TOO!
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00:03:12,931 --> 00:03:16,674
THAT'S A HUGE BITCH.
YOU KNOW.
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00:03:16,718 --> 00:03:19,199
ANYWAY, IT'S NICE TO BE
UP HERE, I TELL YOU.
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00:03:19,242 --> 00:03:21,375
WHEW!
I'M TIRED THOUGH, MAN.
76
00:03:21,418 --> 00:03:22,941
IN MY 40s NOW. OH!
77
00:03:22,985 --> 00:03:24,682
GOT TO PACE YOURSELF
IN YOUR 40s, YOU KNOW?
78
00:03:24,726 --> 00:03:27,163
PEOPLE IN THEIR 20s, YOU KNOW,
THEY GET COCKY, YOU KNOW?
79
00:03:27,207 --> 00:03:30,122
PEOPLE IN THEIR 20s ARE LIKE,
"IN MY 20s. I CAN PARTY.
80
00:03:30,166 --> 00:03:33,125
"IN MY 20s. PARTIED LAST NIGHT.
I'LL PARTY AGAIN TONIGHT.
81
00:03:33,169 --> 00:03:34,692
"I'LL GO STRAIGHT TO WORK.
I DON'T GIVE A FUCK.
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00:03:34,736 --> 00:03:36,520
"PARTY. 20s.
83
00:03:36,564 --> 00:03:39,610
20s. PARTY."
84
00:03:39,654 --> 00:03:41,917
PEOPLE IN THEIR 30s ARE LIKE,
"I CAN PARTY AGAIN TOMORROW,
85
00:03:41,960 --> 00:03:43,353
BUT I CHOOSE NOT TO."
86
00:03:43,397 --> 00:03:47,052
[laughter]
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00:03:47,096 --> 00:03:49,620
PEOPLE IN THEIR 40s,
"IF I PARTY AGAIN TOMORROW,
88
00:03:49,664 --> 00:03:53,015
"I WILL FUCKING DIE.
89
00:03:53,058 --> 00:03:54,886
"I HAD THREE GLASSES
OF WINE.
90
00:03:54,930 --> 00:03:58,368
"I CAN'T GO TO WORK THIS WEEK.
I CAN'T.
91
00:03:58,412 --> 00:03:59,804
"I FUCKED UP LAST NIGHT.
92
00:03:59,848 --> 00:04:01,066
"I STAYED UP,
AND I WATCHED THE NEWS.
93
00:04:01,110 --> 00:04:04,374
"I CAN'T FEEL MY FACE!
94
00:04:04,418 --> 00:04:06,376
"I CAN ONLY COMMUNICATE
THROUGH BLINKING
95
00:04:06,420 --> 00:04:10,380
AND HAND GESTURES
AT THIS POINT."
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00:04:10,424 --> 00:04:12,382
PEOPLE IN THEIR 40s ARE ALWAYS
PUTTING ON THEIR SWEATPANTS
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00:04:12,426 --> 00:04:15,690
WITH NO INTENTION AT ALL
OF WORKING OUT.
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00:04:15,733 --> 00:04:17,822
"WANT TO GO OUT, HONEY?
99
00:04:17,866 --> 00:04:20,477
"YEAH, LET ME PUT ON
MY SWEATPANTS.
100
00:04:20,521 --> 00:04:23,393
"THEN I'LL BE ABLE
TO GO OUT, MAYBE.
101
00:04:23,437 --> 00:04:27,397
"GO TO A RESTAURANT, SIT DOWN
WITHOUT RUPTURING A TESTICLE.
102
00:04:27,441 --> 00:04:31,140
SEE A MOVIE, CROSS MY LEGS.
MIX IT UP."
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00:04:33,229 --> 00:04:35,623
PEOPLE IN THEIR 40s,
YOU KNOW--IN YOUR 20s,
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00:04:35,666 --> 00:04:37,755
YOU GO TO THE PHARMACY,
IT'S LIKE,
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00:04:37,799 --> 00:04:43,761
"YEAH, LET ME GET SOME CONDOMS,
LIQUOR, CANDY."
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00:04:43,805 --> 00:04:48,549
PEOPLE IN THEIR 40s,
METAMUCIL,
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00:04:48,592 --> 00:04:51,900
CHEATER GLASSES,
108
00:04:51,943 --> 00:04:55,033
FLOMAX...
109
00:04:55,077 --> 00:04:59,037
AND CANDY.
I STILL LIKE CANDY.
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00:04:59,081 --> 00:05:04,129
IN YOUR 40s, PEOPLE SAY THIS
TO YOU, "HEY, YOU LOOK...GOOD."
111
00:05:04,173 --> 00:05:06,306
IS THAT A LITTLE PAUSE?
112
00:05:06,349 --> 00:05:08,308
'CAUSE BASICALLY THEY'RE SAYING,
"HEY, YOU LOOK...
113
00:05:08,351 --> 00:05:11,136
"KIND OF FUCKED UP.
114
00:05:11,180 --> 00:05:12,442
"YOU LOOK LIKE
A FUCKED UP VERSION
115
00:05:12,486 --> 00:05:14,444
"OF WHAT
YOU USED TO LOOK LIKE,
116
00:05:14,488 --> 00:05:17,012
"BUT FOR A FUCKED UP VERSION
OF WHAT YOU USED TO LOOK LIKE,
117
00:05:17,055 --> 00:05:20,581
YOU LOOK GOOD."
118
00:05:20,624 --> 00:05:23,888
PEOPLE IN THEIR 40s AREN'T SHY
OR EMBARRASSED AT ALL
119
00:05:23,932 --> 00:05:26,674
ABOUT BUYING SUPPLIES
FOR THEIR ASSHOLE.
120
00:05:26,717 --> 00:05:29,633
"I NEED SOMETHING
FOR MY ASSHOLE.
121
00:05:29,677 --> 00:05:31,374
"IT'S ON FIRE.
122
00:05:31,418 --> 00:05:33,463
"YEAH, MY ASSHOLE. I NEED
SOMETHING FOR MY ASSHOLE.
123
00:05:33,507 --> 00:05:35,509
"IT'S KILLING ME.
NO, I'M SERIOUS.
124
00:05:35,552 --> 00:05:38,903
"I DROP MY PANTS, I LOOK
LIKE I GOT A BABOON'S ASS.
125
00:05:38,947 --> 00:05:41,602
"HONEY, I'M GETTING
SOMETHING FOR MY ASSHOLE.
126
00:05:41,645 --> 00:05:44,039
"IT'S KILLING ME.
127
00:05:44,082 --> 00:05:46,084
"AISLE 12? OKAY, AISLE 12.
THANK YOU.
128
00:05:46,128 --> 00:05:48,478
EXCUSE ME, GETTING SOMETHING
FOR MY ASSHOLE."
129
00:05:48,522 --> 00:05:51,481
[laughter]
130
00:05:51,525 --> 00:05:52,569
YOU GET EASILY INJURED TOO
IN YOUR 40s.
131
00:05:52,613 --> 00:05:54,136
YOU KNOW, YOU BECOME FRAGILE.
132
00:05:54,179 --> 00:05:55,833
ANYTHING CAN MESS YOU UP,
AND IT'S LIKE,
133
00:05:55,877 --> 00:05:58,488
"GOD DAMN IT, HONEY, DID YOU
USE MY PILLOW LAST NIGHT?
134
00:05:58,532 --> 00:06:01,056
"I'M FUCKED UP NOW.
LOOK AT ME.
135
00:06:01,099 --> 00:06:03,493
"THAT'S MY PILLOW
ON MY SIDE OF THE BED.
136
00:06:03,537 --> 00:06:05,539
"THAT'S WHY
IT'S ON MY SIDE OF THE BED.
137
00:06:05,582 --> 00:06:08,280
"I'M GONNA BE LIKE THIS
FOR THREE DAYS NOW.
138
00:06:08,324 --> 00:06:11,066
"AND WHERE'S MY ASS PILLOW?
139
00:06:11,109 --> 00:06:13,416
"THE PILLOW FOR MY ASS?
140
00:06:13,460 --> 00:06:16,288
"NOW MY HIPS ARE OUT.
MY NECK'S OUT, MY HIPS ARE OUT.
141
00:06:16,332 --> 00:06:18,813
"I'M GONNA BE LIKE THIS
FOR THE NEXT...
142
00:06:18,856 --> 00:06:22,382
FUCKED UP.
I'M IN MY 40s."
143
00:06:22,425 --> 00:06:23,644
PEOPLE IN THEIR 20s,
THEY HEAR...
144
00:06:23,687 --> 00:06:28,300
[beatboxing]
145
00:06:28,344 --> 00:06:29,998
"HEY, MAN,
WE GOT TO GET IN THERE, MAN."
146
00:06:30,041 --> 00:06:32,174
[beatboxing]
147
00:06:32,217 --> 00:06:33,480
"DO YOU KNOW ANYBODY
AT THE DOOR?"
148
00:06:33,523 --> 00:06:35,786
[beatboxing]
149
00:06:35,830 --> 00:06:37,309
"HEY, MAN,
LOOK AT THOSE CHICKS IN LINE."
150
00:06:37,353 --> 00:06:38,528
[beatboxing]
151
00:06:38,572 --> 00:06:39,747
PEOPLE IN THEIR 40s HEAR...
152
00:06:39,790 --> 00:06:42,532
[beatboxing]
153
00:06:42,576 --> 00:06:45,579
"TURN THAT SHIT DOWN!"
154
00:06:45,622 --> 00:06:48,190
[laughter]
155
00:06:48,233 --> 00:06:51,193
"I'M TRYING
TO PUT ON MY SWEATPANTS!"
156
00:06:51,236 --> 00:06:53,587
[laughter]
157
00:06:56,503 --> 00:06:59,070
I KNOW I'M IN MY 40s NOW,
158
00:06:59,114 --> 00:07:02,291
BECAUSE WHEN I JERK OFF
STANDING UP,
159
00:07:02,334 --> 00:07:03,858
I GET WINDED.
160
00:07:03,901 --> 00:07:06,469
[laughter]
161
00:07:06,513 --> 00:07:09,516
I DON'T REMEMBER THAT
IN MY 20s OR 30s.
162
00:07:09,559 --> 00:07:12,736
I GOT TO FINISH THE REST OF
THIS ONE SITTING DOWN, I THINK.
163
00:07:12,780 --> 00:07:14,521
[laughter]
164
00:07:14,564 --> 00:07:19,090
"THIS IS TAKING MORE ENERGY
THAN I'VE ALLOCATED FOR.
165
00:07:19,134 --> 00:07:20,788
"LET'S JUST CALL THIS ONE
A DRAW, BUDDY.
166
00:07:20,831 --> 00:07:22,877
"WHAT DO YOU SAY, HUH?
COME ON.
167
00:07:22,920 --> 00:07:25,009
"YOU DID YOUR BEST.
I DID MY BEST.
168
00:07:25,053 --> 00:07:28,317
LET'S WALK AWAY WITH ONE
OF OUR HEADS HELD HIGH."
169
00:07:28,360 --> 00:07:34,323
[laughter]
170
00:07:34,366 --> 00:07:37,457
THAT'S JUST THE WAY I WALK.
171
00:07:37,500 --> 00:07:38,893
I HAVE
A REASON TO BE TIRED NOW.
172
00:07:38,936 --> 00:07:41,417
MY WIFE JUST HAD
A BABY LAST MONTH,
173
00:07:41,461 --> 00:07:42,766
AND THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
174
00:07:42,810 --> 00:07:46,117
[cheers and applause]
175
00:07:46,161 --> 00:07:47,292
SHE'S YOUNGER THAN ME.
176
00:07:47,336 --> 00:07:48,685
YOU KNOW, SHE--YOU KNOW,
177
00:07:48,729 --> 00:07:51,601
SHE STILL WANTS TO DO THINGS,
YOU KNOW.
178
00:07:51,645 --> 00:07:53,603
HAVE FRIENDS, YOU KNOW.
179
00:07:53,647 --> 00:07:55,823
LEAVE THE HOUSE, YOU KNOW.
180
00:07:55,866 --> 00:07:57,694
LEARN HOW TO READ,
ALL THIS DUMB SHIT,
181
00:07:57,738 --> 00:07:59,522
YOU KNOW, AND IT'S LIKE,
YOU KNOW,
182
00:07:59,566 --> 00:08:01,481
SHE'S GONNA BE 30
IN ABOUT 10 YEARS,
183
00:08:01,524 --> 00:08:02,569
SO I'M REALLY HAPPY
ABOUT THAT.
184
00:08:02,612 --> 00:08:04,527
NO, I'M JUST KIDDING.
185
00:08:04,571 --> 00:08:06,007
I MEAN, IT'S AMAZING.
186
00:08:06,050 --> 00:08:07,574
MAYBE IT'S JUST
'CAUSE I'M OLDER,
187
00:08:07,617 --> 00:08:08,923
BUT THE AMAZING THING
ABOUT 'EM, YOU KNOW,
188
00:08:08,966 --> 00:08:11,621
MAKING A HUMAN BEING,
MAKING A BABY.
189
00:08:11,665 --> 00:08:14,450
ANOTHER HUMAN BEING, IT'S JUST
AMAZING, YOU KNOW? HUH?
190
00:08:14,494 --> 00:08:16,539
ALL I HAD TO DO WAS
COME IN HER, YOU KNOW?
191
00:08:16,583 --> 00:08:19,803
I MEAN--NO, NO, NO, IT WAS
MORE THAN THAT. I'M SORRY.
192
00:08:19,847 --> 00:08:22,153
NO. I ALSO, YOU KNOW, I HAD
TO CHOKE HER A LITTLE BIT,
193
00:08:22,197 --> 00:08:23,459
I'LL BE HONEST, YOU KNOW.
194
00:08:23,503 --> 00:08:25,461
AH, NO, NOT TILL
SHE PASSED OUT,
195
00:08:25,505 --> 00:08:26,767
JUST TILL
SHE GOT LITTLE WOOZY.
196
00:08:26,810 --> 00:08:28,159
YOU KNOW, HAVE SOME FUN.
LET'S MIX IT UP.
197
00:08:28,203 --> 00:08:29,204
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?
198
00:08:29,247 --> 00:08:30,640
LET'S MIX IT UP, YOU KNOW.
199
00:08:30,684 --> 00:08:34,035
HAVE SOME FUN, YOU KNOW,
BUT, UM...
200
00:08:34,078 --> 00:08:36,428
IT'S AMAZING. MY WIFE,
SHE'S MEXICAN, YOU KNOW.
201
00:08:36,472 --> 00:08:38,866
HER NAME'S--
HER NAME'S "PA-TREE-SEE-A."
202
00:08:38,909 --> 00:08:39,954
I THINK
THAT'S HOW YOU PRONOUNCE IT.
203
00:08:39,997 --> 00:08:42,173
I'M NOT 100% SURE.
204
00:08:42,217 --> 00:08:43,740
I JUST RUN BY QUICKLY
AND MUMBLE.
205
00:08:43,784 --> 00:08:46,047
[mumbling rapidly]
206
00:08:46,090 --> 00:08:47,788
PATRICIA,
WANNA MOVE THE CAR?
207
00:08:47,831 --> 00:08:50,181
I LIKE MEXICANS THOUGH
208
00:08:50,225 --> 00:08:52,053
'CAUSE THEY ALL HAVE NICKNAMES,
YOU KNOW?
209
00:08:52,096 --> 00:08:56,318
LIKE, HER NAME'S PATRICIA,
BUT HER NICKNAME IS PETITA.
210
00:08:56,361 --> 00:08:58,233
THAT'S CUTE, HUH?
PETITA.
211
00:08:58,276 --> 00:09:00,322
"COMO ESTAS, PETITA?"
HER FRIENDS CALL HER.
212
00:09:00,365 --> 00:09:02,193
"HOLA, PETITA."
"BUENOS DIAS, PETITA."
213
00:09:02,237 --> 00:09:04,282
IT'S CUTE, HUH?
214
00:09:04,326 --> 00:09:08,635
HER NICKNAME FOR ME IS,
"YOU ARE A LIAR
215
00:09:08,678 --> 00:09:10,898
"AND A PERVERT.
216
00:09:10,941 --> 00:09:12,377
"WHY DO YOU WANT
TO STICK IT IN THERE?
217
00:09:12,421 --> 00:09:15,511
"YOU'RE A PERVERT
AND A LIAR.
218
00:09:15,555 --> 00:09:19,515
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO WARN
SOMEBODY."
219
00:09:19,559 --> 00:09:22,866
SHE'S A NICE GIRL, THOUGH.
220
00:09:22,910 --> 00:09:25,739
ANYWAY, WE HAVE
A NEW BABY.
221
00:09:25,782 --> 00:09:29,656
HER NAME IS, UH--WELL,
MY WIFE CALLS HER "MEE-RAN-DA."
222
00:09:29,699 --> 00:09:31,048
IT'S LIKE, "CAN WE
JUST CALL HER 'MIRANDA,'
223
00:09:31,092 --> 00:09:32,310
SO WE CAN GET HER
INTO A GOOD SCHOOL?"
224
00:09:32,354 --> 00:09:35,923
YOU KNOW, BUT, UH...
225
00:09:35,966 --> 00:09:37,359
IT'S UNBELIEVABLE WHAT A WOMAN
HAS TO GO THROUGH.
226
00:09:37,402 --> 00:09:38,578
I NEVER REALLY REALIZED IT,
BUT, LIKE,
227
00:09:38,621 --> 00:09:39,622
I MEAN, SHE'S BREASTFEEDING.
228
00:09:39,666 --> 00:09:41,276
I MEAN,
THIS IS HOW TOUGH IT IS.
229
00:09:41,319 --> 00:09:45,976
A PIECE OF MY WIFE'S NIPPLE
ACTUALLY FELL OFF.
230
00:09:46,020 --> 00:09:49,240
SHE'S STILL HAVING TO BREASTFEED
EVERY TWO, THREE HOURS.
231
00:09:49,284 --> 00:09:52,156
YOU KNOW, IF A PIECE
OF MY PENIS FELL OFF,
232
00:09:52,200 --> 00:09:54,245
THAT'S ONE DEAD FUCKING BABY
RIGHT THERE, SO--
233
00:09:54,289 --> 00:09:59,381
"THAT IS IT.
NO MORE FOR YOU.
234
00:09:59,424 --> 00:10:03,037
"YOU CANNOT CONTROL YOURSELF,
OBVIOUSLY.
235
00:10:03,080 --> 00:10:06,475
THAT IS IT."
236
00:10:06,518 --> 00:10:08,651
THEN AGAIN, FEEDING
YOUR BABY WITH A PENIS
237
00:10:08,695 --> 00:10:10,131
BRINGS UP
A WHOLE OTHER SET OF PROBLEMS
238
00:10:10,174 --> 00:10:12,133
AND ISSUES THAT I DON'T
WANT TO GET INTO.
239
00:10:12,176 --> 00:10:15,963
[laughter]
240
00:10:16,006 --> 00:10:18,052
SEE, YOU KNOW, THANK GOD
WE GOT THE ABUELITA THERE.
241
00:10:18,095 --> 00:10:21,708
YOU KNOW, THAT'S, YOU KNOW,
SPANISH FOR, YOU KNOW,
242
00:10:21,751 --> 00:10:24,188
GRANDMA,
DOMESTIC SERVANT.
243
00:10:24,232 --> 00:10:27,670
YOU KNOW, THAT'S THE--
IT'S AMAZING.
244
00:10:27,714 --> 00:10:29,672
SHE DOESN'T SPEAK A WORD
OF ENGLISH, WHICH IS GREAT,
245
00:10:29,716 --> 00:10:31,500
'CAUSE I DON'T HAVE TO WASTE MY
TIME TALKING TO HER, YOU KNOW?
246
00:10:31,543 --> 00:10:33,981
IT'S LIKE, IT'S JUST A LOT OF
"UH-HUH, UH-HUH, UH-HUH.
247
00:10:34,024 --> 00:10:35,504
"UH-HUH.
OKAY, TAKE THE FUCKING BABY.
248
00:10:35,547 --> 00:10:38,550
OKAY, GOOD. OKAY,
I'LL SEE YOU IN A BIT."
249
00:10:38,594 --> 00:10:40,640
[laughs]
250
00:10:40,683 --> 00:10:41,858
BUT ANYWAY,
SHE'S AMAZING THOUGH.
251
00:10:41,902 --> 00:10:43,686
I CALL HER
"THE BABY WHISPERER."
252
00:10:43,730 --> 00:10:46,036
YEAH.
NO, BECAUSE SHE'S AMAZING.
253
00:10:46,080 --> 00:10:47,951
SHE MAKES THIS SOUND,
AND IT'S NOT EXACTLY LIKE A--
254
00:10:47,995 --> 00:10:49,692
IT'S LIKE A "SHH"
AND A WHISTLE.
255
00:10:49,736 --> 00:10:53,261
IT'S LIKE...
[whistling, exhaling]
256
00:10:53,304 --> 00:10:54,262
AND IT'S REALLY HYPNOTIZING.
257
00:10:54,305 --> 00:10:55,698
THE BABY COULD BE, LIKE,
258
00:10:55,742 --> 00:10:56,699
YOU KNOW, VOMITING,
POOPING, CRYING, LIKE...
259
00:10:56,743 --> 00:10:58,005
[imitates baby wailing]
260
00:10:58,048 --> 00:11:01,182
AND SHE GOES...
[whistling, exhaling]
261
00:11:01,225 --> 00:11:02,270
AND THE BABY'S LIKE...
262
00:11:02,313 --> 00:11:04,533
[laughter]
263
00:11:06,709 --> 00:11:08,580
IT'S INCREDIBLE,
YOU KNOW?
264
00:11:08,624 --> 00:11:10,844
SHE DOES THE SAME THING
AT CUSTOMS, YOU KNOW?
265
00:11:10,887 --> 00:11:12,280
[laughter]
266
00:11:12,323 --> 00:11:13,716
"I NOTICE YOU DON'T HAVE
A VISA HERE."
267
00:11:13,760 --> 00:11:18,416
[whistling, exhaling]
268
00:11:18,460 --> 00:11:19,853
[imitates stamping]
269
00:11:19,896 --> 00:11:22,856
"WELCOME TO AMERICA.
PLEASE COME ON THROUGH."
270
00:11:22,899 --> 00:11:25,946
"I NOTICE YOU HAVE
A LIVE CHICKEN IN YOUR LUGGAGE."
271
00:11:25,989 --> 00:11:29,689
[whistling, exhaling]
272
00:11:29,732 --> 00:11:34,476
"WELCOME TO AMERICA.
PLEASE COME ON THROUGH."
273
00:11:34,519 --> 00:11:36,478
IT'S AMAZING WHAT MY WIFE
HAS JUST GONE THROUGH.
274
00:11:36,521 --> 00:11:38,393
IT'S INCREDIBLE, YOU KNOW.
275
00:11:38,436 --> 00:11:39,873
I FEEL BAD FOR HER, YOU KNOW?
THERE'S NOT A LOT I COULD DO.
276
00:11:39,916 --> 00:11:41,135
SHE LOST A PIECE OF HER NIPPLE,
IT'S LIKE,
277
00:11:41,178 --> 00:11:42,440
"OKAY, YOU LOST
A PIECE OF YOUR NIPPLE?
278
00:11:42,484 --> 00:11:43,485
"HERE, WATCH
WHATEVER YOU WANT ON TV.
279
00:11:43,528 --> 00:11:44,573
"HELP YOURSELF, PLEASE.
280
00:11:44,616 --> 00:11:46,662
LEAST I CAN DO."
281
00:11:46,706 --> 00:11:48,446
SHE LIKES TO WATCH
THESE REALITY SHOWS, YOU KNOW?
282
00:11:48,490 --> 00:11:50,318
I HATE WATCHING
THESE REALITY SHOWS
283
00:11:50,361 --> 00:11:52,059
'CAUSE THEN YOU GET ADDICTED TO
WATCHING THIS STUFF, YOU KNOW?
284
00:11:52,102 --> 00:11:53,625
THEN YOU START
PLANNING YOUR LIFE.
285
00:11:53,669 --> 00:11:55,497
"HONEY, IT'S 9:00.
WE GOT TO GET HOME.
286
00:11:55,540 --> 00:11:57,673
"WE CAN'T MISS 'HOARDERS.'
287
00:11:57,717 --> 00:11:59,980
"NO, THIS WEEK'S GONNA BE
DIFFERENT THAN LAST WEEK.
288
00:12:00,023 --> 00:12:02,025
"THE PILES OF SHIT
ARE GONNA BE DIFFERENT
289
00:12:02,069 --> 00:12:04,680
THAN LAST WEEK'S PILES
OF SHIT."
290
00:12:04,724 --> 00:12:06,769
[laughter]
291
00:12:06,813 --> 00:12:08,031
YOU KNOW,
"HOARDERS" IS ON A&E,
292
00:12:08,075 --> 00:12:10,904
YOU KNOW,
THE MISERY CHANNEL.
293
00:12:10,947 --> 00:12:12,644
EVERY SHOW ON THERE
IS LIKE, "HEY, HONEY,
294
00:12:12,688 --> 00:12:13,950
"THIS GUY
WEIGHS 800 POUNDS.
295
00:12:13,994 --> 00:12:15,386
"HE CAN'T TIE HIS SHOES
OR WIPE HIS ASS.
296
00:12:15,430 --> 00:12:16,910
"LET'S WATCH THIS
FOR THE NEXT HOUR.
297
00:12:16,953 --> 00:12:18,302
"HE'S REALLY SUFFERING.
298
00:12:18,346 --> 00:12:20,827
THIS COULD BE
ENTERTAINING FOR US."
299
00:12:20,870 --> 00:12:22,611
ON "HOARDERS," THE PROBLEM
IS SO OBVIOUS.
300
00:12:22,654 --> 00:12:23,830
YOU GOT A HOUSE
FILLED WITH GARBAGE.
301
00:12:23,873 --> 00:12:25,440
YOU CAN THROW IT OUT.
302
00:12:25,483 --> 00:12:27,137
THAT'S IT, YOU KNOW?
YOU KNOW, THEY BRING--
303
00:12:27,181 --> 00:12:29,139
THESE PROFESSIONAL ORGANIZERS
COME OVER,
304
00:12:29,183 --> 00:12:30,750
AND THEY'RE REALLY ANNOYING
'CAUSE THEY'RE OVERLY NICE
305
00:12:30,793 --> 00:12:31,881
TO THESE SICK BASTARDS.
YOU KNOW, IT'S LIKE,
306
00:12:31,925 --> 00:12:33,143
"SO TELL ME,
307
00:12:33,187 --> 00:12:34,579
"WHAT DID THIS ROOM HERE
USED TO BE
308
00:12:34,623 --> 00:12:36,668
"BEFORE YOU TURNED IT
INTO A TOILET?
309
00:12:36,712 --> 00:12:39,062
WHAT WAS THIS?"
YOU KNOW?
310
00:12:39,106 --> 00:12:41,499
THE IDEA OF THE SHOW IS TO GET
THEM TO THROW AWAY THEIR STUFF,
311
00:12:41,543 --> 00:12:43,327
AND THEY DIDN'T WANT TO THROW
ANYTHING AWAY
312
00:12:43,371 --> 00:12:44,894
'CAUSE EVERYTHING IS VALUABLE
TO THESE SICKOS, YOU KNOW?
313
00:12:44,938 --> 00:12:46,635
THEY ARGUE ABOUT THROWING
ANYTHING AWAY.
314
00:12:46,678 --> 00:12:47,810
THEY SAY,
"WHAT ARE YOU THROWING AWAY?
315
00:12:47,854 --> 00:12:51,727
"WHAT IS THAT?
WHAT IS THAT?
316
00:12:51,771 --> 00:12:54,382
"THAT'S A DEAD CAT.
317
00:12:54,425 --> 00:12:57,080
"WHY WOULD YOU
THROW THAT AWAY?
318
00:12:57,124 --> 00:13:00,518
"THAT'S A PERFECTLY GOOD
DEAD CAT RIGHT THERE.
319
00:13:00,562 --> 00:13:03,434
"IT'S STILL GOT A HUNK OF FUR
AND A CLAW ON IT.
320
00:13:03,478 --> 00:13:04,827
"THIS GUY'S TRYING TO
321
00:13:04,871 --> 00:13:06,307
"BREAK UP OUR DEAD CAT
COLLECTION, HONEY.
322
00:13:06,350 --> 00:13:08,048
"THAT'S THE BEST ONE!
323
00:13:08,091 --> 00:13:09,745
"NOW WHAT ARE YOU
THROWING AWAY?
324
00:13:09,789 --> 00:13:13,444
THAT Q-TIP'S STILL GOOD
ON THE OTHER SIDE! COME ON!"
325
00:13:13,488 --> 00:13:17,100
[laughter]
326
00:13:17,144 --> 00:13:18,972
BUT IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN
THE SHOW, IT'S COMING BACK.
327
00:13:19,015 --> 00:13:20,625
"HOARDERS" IS COMING BACK
AT THE END OF THIS MONTH.
328
00:13:20,669 --> 00:13:23,411
IT'S GONNA BE ON A&E,
9:00, MONDAY NIGHTS.
329
00:13:23,454 --> 00:13:24,934
WATCH IT WITH YOUR WIVES,
WATCH IT WITH YOUR HUSBANDS,
330
00:13:24,978 --> 00:13:26,283
WATCH IT WITH YOUR KIDS,
'CAUSE WHAT YOU DO
331
00:13:26,327 --> 00:13:27,894
WHEN YOU'RE DONE
WATCHING THE SHOW?
332
00:13:27,937 --> 00:13:29,765
YOU CLEAN THE HOUSE TILL 3:00
IN THE FUCKING MORNING.
333
00:13:29,809 --> 00:13:34,726
IT'S LIKE, "WE'RE FUCKED UP TOO.
LOOK AT ALL THIS SHIT.
334
00:13:34,770 --> 00:13:38,600
"THEY COULD HAVE AN EPISODE HERE
TOMORROW, HONEY.
335
00:13:38,643 --> 00:13:40,863
GO OUT FRONT AND SEE
IF THERE'S A CAMERA CREW."
336
00:13:40,907 --> 00:13:45,563
[laughter]
337
00:13:45,607 --> 00:13:47,130
PATRICIA THINKS
I'M A HOARDER
338
00:13:47,174 --> 00:13:48,262
IF I DON'T THROW
THE NEWSPAPER--
339
00:13:48,305 --> 00:13:50,655
"YOU'RE A NEWSPAPER HOARDER!
340
00:13:50,699 --> 00:13:53,310
YOU CAN'T EVEN THROW AWAY
A NEWSPAPER, YOU HOARDER!"
341
00:13:53,354 --> 00:13:54,877
"HONEY,
IT'S TODAY'S PAPER."
342
00:13:54,921 --> 00:13:59,142
"IT'S 5:00.
YOU'RE A HOARDER."
343
00:13:59,186 --> 00:14:01,144
"WELL, YOU HAVE
85 PAIRS OF SHOES."
344
00:14:01,188 --> 00:14:04,582
"YEAH, THAT'S
BECAUSE I'M A GOOD SHOPPER.
345
00:14:04,626 --> 00:14:06,889
"I NEED EVERY ONE
OF THOSE PAIRS OF SHOES.
346
00:14:06,933 --> 00:14:10,371
CHEWS, C-H-E-W-S,
CHEWS."
347
00:14:10,414 --> 00:14:14,331
[laughter]
348
00:14:14,375 --> 00:14:16,812
MY WIFE AND I ARE TRYING TO CUT
BACK. YOU KNOW, THIS ECONOMY.
349
00:14:16,856 --> 00:14:18,335
IT'S TOUGH OUT THERE
IN THE ECONOMY, YOU KNOW?
350
00:14:18,379 --> 00:14:21,338
GOT TO CUT BACK WHERE YOU CAN,
YOU KNOW?
351
00:14:21,382 --> 00:14:23,514
MAYBE EVEN TIME TO GET RID
OF STUFF. THERE'S AN IDEA.
352
00:14:23,558 --> 00:14:24,951
GET RID OF STUFF
YOU DON'T WANT ANYMORE.
353
00:14:24,994 --> 00:14:26,430
MY FAVORITE COMMERCIAL ON TV
RIGHT NOW IS,
354
00:14:26,474 --> 00:14:29,259
"GET RID
OF YOUR UNWANTED GOLD."
355
00:14:29,303 --> 00:14:31,044
[laughter]
356
00:14:31,087 --> 00:14:33,350
UNWANTED GOLD?
357
00:14:33,394 --> 00:14:36,179
IT'S FUCKING GOLD.
358
00:14:36,223 --> 00:14:40,531
WHO HAS UNWANT--?
"HONEY, WHAT IS THIS SHIT?
359
00:14:40,575 --> 00:14:44,840
"GOLD?
GET RID OF IT!
360
00:14:44,884 --> 00:14:47,060
"IT'S EMBARRASSING!
361
00:14:47,103 --> 00:14:49,062
"WE GOT FRIENDS
COMING OVER,
362
00:14:49,105 --> 00:14:52,587
"THERE'S FUCKING GOLD
EVERYWHERE!
363
00:14:52,630 --> 00:14:58,506
GET THIS SINGLE MOST PRECIOUS
HEAVY METAL OUT OF OUR HOUSE!"
364
00:14:58,549 --> 00:15:00,464
I'M GONNA PUT A COMMERCIAL ON TV
JUST FOR THE HELL OF IT.
365
00:15:00,508 --> 00:15:02,989
"GET RID
OF YOUR UNWANTED CASH."
366
00:15:03,032 --> 00:15:08,385
[laughter]
367
00:15:08,429 --> 00:15:10,692
IT'S TOUGH OUT THERE
IN THE ECONOMY, THOUGH.
368
00:15:10,735 --> 00:15:11,693
IT'S TOUGH, YOU KNOW?
I FEEL IT.
369
00:15:11,736 --> 00:15:14,000
I FEEL IT, YOU KNOW.
370
00:15:14,043 --> 00:15:15,305
WELL, I DON'T FEEL IT,
BUT, YOU KNOW,
371
00:15:15,349 --> 00:15:16,480
I HEAR SHIT
FROM A BUNCH OF PEOPLE.
372
00:15:16,524 --> 00:15:18,569
WE DRIVE BY PEOPLE.
373
00:15:18,613 --> 00:15:20,267
"HONEY, THOSE PEOPLE LOOK
FUCKED UP. LET'S KEEP GOING.
374
00:15:20,310 --> 00:15:21,616
COME ON, LET'S KEEP GOING.
KEEP GOING, KEEP GOING."
375
00:15:21,659 --> 00:15:22,965
YOU KNOW WHAT'S FUCKED UP?
376
00:15:23,009 --> 00:15:24,967
'CAUSE YOU SEE--
YOU SEE HOMELESS PEOPLE,
377
00:15:25,011 --> 00:15:26,751
AND SOME OF 'EM ARE WHITE,
YOU GO, "OH, THAT'S FUCKED UP.
378
00:15:26,795 --> 00:15:28,492
"COME ON, LET'S KEEP GOING.
THEY LOOK LIKE US, HONEY.
379
00:15:28,536 --> 00:15:30,973
"KEEP GOING. DON'T LOOK AT THEM,
DON'T LOOK AT THEM!"
380
00:15:31,017 --> 00:15:32,366
NO MATTER
WHERE THE ECONOMY GOES,
381
00:15:32,409 --> 00:15:33,802
SOME THINGS
YOU CAN'T DO WITHOUT.
382
00:15:33,845 --> 00:15:35,325
I GOT TO KEEP MY DOG,
AND I LIKE MY DOG,
383
00:15:35,369 --> 00:15:36,848
BUT I'M NOT ONE
OF THESE DELUSIONAL DOG OWNERS.
384
00:15:36,892 --> 00:15:38,415
YOU KNOW, IT'S LIKE,
"MY DOG LOVES ME.
385
00:15:38,459 --> 00:15:40,635
I KNOW MY DOG LOVES ME.
MY DOG--"
386
00:15:40,678 --> 00:15:42,985
I'M SORRY, YOU DON'T KNOW
YOUR DOG LOVES YOU, OKAY?
387
00:15:43,029 --> 00:15:45,379
HE'S ANOTHER SPECIES.
HE MAY LIKE YOU.
388
00:15:45,422 --> 00:15:47,163
HE MAY TOLERATE YOU,
BUT YOU NOTICE,
389
00:15:47,207 --> 00:15:49,209
YOU HAVE TO KEEP HIM
ON A LEASH
390
00:15:49,252 --> 00:15:51,646
OR BEHIND THE FENCE
OR INSIDE THE HOUSE.
391
00:15:51,689 --> 00:15:54,214
OTHERWISE, HE'D PROBABLY
FUCKING GO SOMEPLACE BETTER.
392
00:15:54,257 --> 00:15:57,391
[laughter]
393
00:15:57,434 --> 00:15:58,696
YOU WANT TO SEE
IF HE LOVES YOU? LET HIM GO.
394
00:15:58,740 --> 00:16:01,003
SEE IF HE FUCKING COMES BACK.
395
00:16:01,047 --> 00:16:03,571
THEN MAYBE HE LOVES YOU.
396
00:16:03,614 --> 00:16:05,007
I LIKE MY DOG,
BUT I DON'T DELUDE MYSELF.
397
00:16:05,051 --> 00:16:06,835
I THINK
MY DOG'S SMART ENOUGH.
398
00:16:06,878 --> 00:16:08,228
I THINK MY DOG GETS WHAT
THE BASIS OF THE RELATIONSHIP IS
399
00:16:08,271 --> 00:16:09,881
BETWEEN ME AND HIM.
400
00:16:09,925 --> 00:16:11,971
MY DOG LOOKS AT ME LIKE...
401
00:16:12,014 --> 00:16:14,190
[laughter]
402
00:16:14,234 --> 00:16:16,105
"HE'S GOT MORE FOOD!"
403
00:16:16,149 --> 00:16:19,630
[laughter]
404
00:16:19,674 --> 00:16:23,852
"HE'S A GENIUS
AT FINDING FOOD!
405
00:16:23,895 --> 00:16:27,943
"ALL DAY LONG HE COMES BACK
WITH MORE AND MORE FOOD!
406
00:16:27,987 --> 00:16:30,032
"I DON'T HAVE A LOT OF OTHER
THINGS TO GET EXCITED ABOUT!
407
00:16:30,076 --> 00:16:32,600
"HE CUT MY BALLS OFF.
408
00:16:32,643 --> 00:16:33,905
"I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW
IT WAS GONNA HAPPEN.
409
00:16:33,949 --> 00:16:35,255
"I JUST WENT SOMEWHERE,
I FELL ASLEEP,
410
00:16:35,298 --> 00:16:37,692
"AND I WOKE UP
WITH NO BALLS.
411
00:16:37,735 --> 00:16:40,564
YEP, THEY'RE STILL GONE."
412
00:16:40,608 --> 00:16:42,610
I THINK MY DOG,
IN THAT SMALL BRAIN OF HIS,
413
00:16:42,653 --> 00:16:44,090
BELIEVES IT'S A FAIR EXCHANGE,
'CAUSE EVERY DAY,
414
00:16:44,133 --> 00:16:47,615
I'M OUT IN THE BACKYARD,
PICKING UP HIS SHIT.
415
00:16:47,658 --> 00:16:50,009
[laughter]
416
00:16:50,052 --> 00:16:52,228
"WHAT DOES HE WANT
WITH MY SHIT?"
417
00:16:52,272 --> 00:16:55,101
[laughter]
418
00:16:55,144 --> 00:16:57,929
"EVERY DAY, HE'S IN
THE BACKYARD, LOOKING AROUND.
419
00:16:57,973 --> 00:17:00,976
HE'S NOT SATISFIED
UNTIL HE FINDS MY SHIT."
420
00:17:01,020 --> 00:17:02,934
[laughter]
421
00:17:02,978 --> 00:17:05,720
"THAT'S LAST WEEK'S SHIT.
422
00:17:05,763 --> 00:17:09,985
"WHAT COULD HE POSSIBLY
WANT WITH LAST WEEK'S SHIT?
423
00:17:10,029 --> 00:17:13,858
"HE'S A SHIT HOARDER.
424
00:17:13,902 --> 00:17:17,079
"I'M OWNED
BY A SHIT HOARDER.
425
00:17:17,123 --> 00:17:18,950
"I'LL MAKE IT MORE INTERESTING
FOR HIM TODAY.
426
00:17:18,994 --> 00:17:23,303
"I'LL LEAVE ONE
BY HIS PILLOW.
427
00:17:23,346 --> 00:17:26,480
"HE WON'T EVEN NEED TO GO
OUTSIDE FOR THAT ONE.
428
00:17:26,523 --> 00:17:28,003
"HE CAN JUST ROLL OVER.
429
00:17:28,047 --> 00:17:30,919
"IT'LL BE RIGHT THERE,
WAITING FOR HIM.
430
00:17:30,962 --> 00:17:32,268
"HELLO, MASTER.
HOW ARE YOU?
431
00:17:32,312 --> 00:17:33,574
"I WAS JUST LEAVING YOU
A LITTLE PRESENT,
432
00:17:33,617 --> 00:17:34,923
"SOMETHING I KNOW
YOU'LL LOVE.
433
00:17:34,966 --> 00:17:36,446
"WHY IS HE HITTING
WITH A NEWSPAPER?
434
00:17:36,490 --> 00:17:38,492
"AH! AH! HE'S CRAZY.
OUTSIDE HE LOVES IT.
435
00:17:38,535 --> 00:17:40,581
"HE CAN'T GET ENOUGH OF IT.
HE LOOKS EVERYWHERE FOR IT.
436
00:17:40,624 --> 00:17:42,974
"UNDER TREES, IN
THE NEIGHBOR'S LAWN, IN BUSHES.
437
00:17:43,018 --> 00:17:45,847
"INSIDE, HE HITS ME.
438
00:17:45,890 --> 00:17:48,719
"IT'S THE SAME SHIT,
439
00:17:48,763 --> 00:17:54,377
"AND THIS IS A NEW ONE,
STILL WARM.
440
00:17:54,421 --> 00:17:56,858
YOU DON'T APPRECIATE SHIT."
441
00:17:56,901 --> 00:17:59,165
[laughter]
442
00:17:59,208 --> 00:18:00,992
MY WIFE WANTED HER OWN DOG.
443
00:18:01,036 --> 00:18:03,821
SHE'S MEXICAN, SO WE HAD
TO GET A PIT BULL, YOU KNOW.
444
00:18:03,865 --> 00:18:05,606
HAVING A PIT BULL MAKES
SOME THINGS MORE INTERESTING.
445
00:18:05,649 --> 00:18:07,869
YOU KNOW, YOU THROW A BALL,
HE COMES BACK WITH AN ARM.
446
00:18:07,912 --> 00:18:10,959
"JESUS CHRIST.
GET IN THE VAN.
447
00:18:11,002 --> 00:18:14,136
NOW WE HAVE TO LEAVE
BECAUSE OF YOU. COME ON."
448
00:18:14,180 --> 00:18:17,313
EVERYTHING'S ABOUT MONEY NOW
IN SOCIETY, YOU KNOW?
449
00:18:17,357 --> 00:18:19,663
EVEN BEFORE YOU GET ON A PLANE,
THEY MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE SHIT.
450
00:18:19,707 --> 00:18:21,926
THEY LET YOU KNOW
WHO HAS MORE MONEY THAN YOU.
451
00:18:21,970 --> 00:18:25,669
"NOW BOARDING
ALL DIAMOND ELITE FLIERS.
452
00:18:25,713 --> 00:18:28,324
"DIAMOND ELITE,
1K MILLION MILE FLIERS
453
00:18:28,368 --> 00:18:30,979
"ARE WELCOME TO BOARD
AT THIS TIME.
454
00:18:31,022 --> 00:18:34,504
"NOW BOARDING
ALL EMERALD GOLD FLIERS.
455
00:18:34,548 --> 00:18:37,768
"EMERALD GOLD, 1K MILLION MILE
FLIERS ARE WEL--
456
00:18:37,812 --> 00:18:41,337
NOW BOARDING ALL SILVER
MEDALLION FLIERS."
457
00:18:41,381 --> 00:18:42,773
THEY WORK THEIR WAY DOWN
TO YOU, YOU KNOW.
458
00:18:42,817 --> 00:18:47,169
"NOW BOARDING
ALL TIN FOIL TURD FLIERS.
459
00:18:47,213 --> 00:18:48,866
"THE REST OF YOU LOSERS
AND MUTANTS
460
00:18:48,910 --> 00:18:50,912
ARE WELCOME TO BOARD
AT THIS TIME."
461
00:18:50,955 --> 00:18:56,265
WE'RE LIKE,
"THANK YOU SO MUCH
462
00:18:56,309 --> 00:18:59,790
"FOR LETTING ME
ON THE P-P-PLANE
463
00:18:59,834 --> 00:19:02,489
"WITH ALL
THE NORMAL P-P-PEOPLE.
464
00:19:02,532 --> 00:19:05,274
WHICH SEAT
DO I CLIMB UNDERNEATH?"
465
00:19:05,318 --> 00:19:07,624
[laughter]
466
00:19:07,668 --> 00:19:09,974
YOU KNOW, THEY'RE SO CHEAP,
THE AIRLINES, YOU KNOW?
467
00:19:10,018 --> 00:19:11,324
IT'S LIKE,
YOU WANT TO CHECK A BAG,
468
00:19:11,367 --> 00:19:12,325
YOU GOT TO PAY FOR THAT NOW,
YOU KNOW?
469
00:19:12,368 --> 00:19:13,761
WE'RE USED TO THAT.
470
00:19:13,804 --> 00:19:15,197
YOU WANT TO CHECK A BAG,
YOU GOT TO PAY FOR THAT.
471
00:19:15,241 --> 00:19:16,851
IT'S LIKE, "YOU WANT TO FLY
SOMEWHERE,
472
00:19:16,894 --> 00:19:19,419
"AND YOU WANT TO CHANGE CLOTHES
WHEN YOU GET THERE?
473
00:19:19,462 --> 00:19:22,291
"THAT'S ANOTHER $40, ASSHOLE,
LET'S GO. COME ON, COME ON.
474
00:19:22,335 --> 00:19:25,425
OTHERWISE JUST WEAR THAT T-SHIRT
THE WHOLE TIME YOU'RE THERE."
475
00:19:25,468 --> 00:19:28,515
THEY'RE SO CHEAP, AND GET READY
FOR THIS, SAN JOSEANS.
476
00:19:28,558 --> 00:19:30,212
[laughter]
477
00:19:30,256 --> 00:19:31,735
I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL
THEY CALL YOU,
478
00:19:31,779 --> 00:19:34,042
BUT IT'S GOOD ENOUGH,
YOU KNOW?
479
00:19:34,085 --> 00:19:37,306
DO YOU WANT TO SIT
BY THE WINDOW OR THE AISLE,
480
00:19:37,350 --> 00:19:38,960
OR, GOD FORBID,
TOGETHER NEXT YEAR?
481
00:19:39,003 --> 00:19:41,049
YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO PAY
A SURCHARGE FOR THAT.
482
00:19:41,092 --> 00:19:44,792
YEAH. GOD FORBID THERE'S ANY
TURBULENCE ON THESE FLIGHTS.
483
00:19:44,835 --> 00:19:46,663
"IN CASE OF LOSS
OF CABIN PRESSURE,
484
00:19:46,707 --> 00:19:49,492
"PUT YOUR CREDIT CARD
IN THE SLOT IN FRONT OF YOU,
485
00:19:49,536 --> 00:19:51,059
"AND IF YOUR CREDIT CARD
IS GOOD,
486
00:19:51,102 --> 00:19:53,279
"AN OXYGEN MASK WILL DROP
FROM THE CEILING.
487
00:19:53,322 --> 00:19:57,152
"OTHERWISE, THANK YOU FOR
FLYING AMERICAN AIRLINES.
488
00:19:57,196 --> 00:19:58,762
"IN CASE OF A WATER LANDING,
489
00:19:58,806 --> 00:20:00,590
FOR $9.99, YOU CAN PURCHASE
A FLOATATION DEVICE."
490
00:20:00,634 --> 00:20:05,116
LIKE, "HEY! THAT SHIT SHOULD
COME WITH THE CRASH!
491
00:20:05,160 --> 00:20:09,556
THAT SHOULD BE INCLUDED
IN THE DISASTER!"
492
00:20:09,599 --> 00:20:12,211
BY THE WAY,
TO BE A T.S.A. AGENT,
493
00:20:12,254 --> 00:20:16,737
DO YOU HAVE TO PROMISE
TO NEVER WORK OUT AGAIN?
494
00:20:16,780 --> 00:20:20,349
DO YOU HAVE TO TAKE AN OATH
TO ONLY EAT PUDDING?
495
00:20:20,393 --> 00:20:24,266
PROMISE TO NEVER GO
NEAR A TREADMILL OR A GYM AGAIN?
496
00:20:24,310 --> 00:20:25,659
YOU GOT TO TAKE YOUR SHOES OFF,
497
00:20:25,702 --> 00:20:28,314
'CAUSE THE SHOE BOMBER,
YOU KNOW.
498
00:20:28,357 --> 00:20:30,446
CAN'T HAVE ANY LIQUIDS,
THE LIQUIDS BOMBER.
499
00:20:30,490 --> 00:20:31,969
YOU'VE GOT TO PUT YOUR COMPUTER
OUT IN ITS OWN BIN,
500
00:20:32,013 --> 00:20:33,754
BECAUSE THE COMPUTER BOMBER.
501
00:20:33,797 --> 00:20:36,278
YOU CAN'T HAVE ANY UNDERWEAR,
THE UNDERWEAR BOMBER.
502
00:20:36,322 --> 00:20:37,584
YOU GOT TO TAKE YOUR BELT OFF,
'CAUSE YOU KNOW
503
00:20:37,627 --> 00:20:39,499
HOW DANGEROUS A BELT
COULD BE, RIGHT?
504
00:20:39,542 --> 00:20:40,717
I COULD PUT IT
ON THE PILOT'S HEAD
505
00:20:40,761 --> 00:20:42,371
AND FUCKING CHOKE HIM OUT
WITH IT.
506
00:20:42,415 --> 00:20:44,199
TAKE THAT LITTLE METAL PIECE
507
00:20:44,243 --> 00:20:47,463
AND POKE HIM
IN THE FUCKING EYE.
508
00:20:47,507 --> 00:20:49,552
"HEY, CAPTAIN, YOU DROPPED
YOUR PEN RIGHT THERE.
509
00:20:49,596 --> 00:20:52,163
"I GOT YOU, YOU FUCKER.
510
00:20:52,207 --> 00:20:57,560
I'M TAKING OVER THIS PLANE.
I GOT A BELT."
511
00:20:57,604 --> 00:20:59,040
YOU KNOW, SO YOU'RE BAREFOOT,
512
00:20:59,083 --> 00:21:01,042
AND YOU'RE HOLDING
YOUR PANTS UP, YOU KNOW.
513
00:21:01,085 --> 00:21:04,306
PUSHING THREE BINS' WORTH
OF SHIT, YOU KNOW.
514
00:21:04,350 --> 00:21:06,395
TRYING TO GET A WIDE STANCE
SO YOU DON'T GET
515
00:21:06,439 --> 00:21:08,615
SOME WEIRD INDIAN FUNGUS
ON YOUR FEET, YOU KNOW.
516
00:21:08,658 --> 00:21:10,791
YOU GO THROUGH
THE METAL DETECTOR, "BING!"
517
00:21:10,834 --> 00:21:12,619
OOPS, I FORGOT I GOT
A NICKEL IN MY ASS.
518
00:21:12,662 --> 00:21:16,623
HONEY, HOW IS THAT HELPING?
519
00:21:16,666 --> 00:21:18,189
BUT THAT'S NOT HUMILIATING
ENOUGH.
520
00:21:18,233 --> 00:21:19,408
NOW THEY WANT TO X-RAY US.
THAT'S RIGHT.
521
00:21:19,452 --> 00:21:21,715
THOSE NEW SCANNING MACHINES,
X-RAYS.
522
00:21:21,758 --> 00:21:23,586
YEAH, I CAN'T BELIEVE IT,
YOU KNOW,
523
00:21:23,630 --> 00:21:25,196
"IS THAT AN X-RAY MACHINE--CAN
YOU SEE UNDERNEATH MY CLOTHES?"
524
00:21:25,240 --> 00:21:27,634
"YES."
"SO YOU'RE X-RAYING ME."
525
00:21:27,677 --> 00:21:29,462
"NO, IT'S NOT AN X-RAY."
"HUH?
526
00:21:29,505 --> 00:21:31,464
"BUT WHEN SUPERMAN SAW
UNDERNEATH PEOPLE'S CLOTHES,
527
00:21:31,507 --> 00:21:34,162
"HE CALLED IT X-RAY VISION.
528
00:21:34,205 --> 00:21:38,906
WHO AM I GOING TO BELIEVE,
YOU OR THE MAN OF STEEL?"
529
00:21:38,949 --> 00:21:40,429
SO, ANYWAY, YOU KNOW, I CAN'T
BELIEVE AMERICANS, YOU KNOW.
530
00:21:40,473 --> 00:21:41,952
YOU GO TO SAN JOSE
INTERNATIONAL,
531
00:21:41,996 --> 00:21:43,998
SEE THOSE SCANNERS,
THEY'RE DOING THIS.
532
00:21:44,041 --> 00:21:45,608
YOU KNOW, THEY'RE X-RAYING
YOUR GENITALS.
533
00:21:45,652 --> 00:21:47,349
THAT'S WHAT THEY'RE DOING,
YOU KNOW.
534
00:21:47,393 --> 00:21:49,046
THE NEXT TIME THEY WANT
TO X-RAY YOUR GENITALS,
535
00:21:49,090 --> 00:21:50,396
YOUR WIFE'S GENITALS
BEFORE YOU FLY SOMEWHERE, SAY,
536
00:21:50,439 --> 00:21:52,267
"EXCUSE ME,
BEFORE WE DO ANY X-RAYING
537
00:21:52,311 --> 00:21:53,703
"OF THE GENITALS, CAN I JUST
SHOW YOU SOMETHING ON MY iPHONE?
538
00:21:53,747 --> 00:21:54,791
"LOOK AT THIS.
IT'S THE BILL OF RIGHTS.
539
00:21:54,835 --> 00:21:56,619
"LOOK AT NUMBER FOUR.
540
00:21:56,663 --> 00:21:58,795
"IT'S REASONABLE SEARCH
AND SEIZURE, YOU KNOW.
541
00:21:58,839 --> 00:22:02,364
"I'M JUST--I'VE NEVER BEEN
CONVICTED OF A CRIME.
542
00:22:02,408 --> 00:22:04,148
"I'VE NEVER BEEN ARRESTED
FOR A CRIME.
543
00:22:04,192 --> 00:22:05,802
"HONEY, YOU EVER BEEN CONVICTED
OR ARRESTED FOR A CRIME?
544
00:22:05,846 --> 00:22:07,369
"WE'RE JUST FLYING TO MIAMI
FOR THE WEEKEND.
545
00:22:07,413 --> 00:22:08,414
"I DON'T THINK IT'S REASONABLE
FOR YOU
546
00:22:08,457 --> 00:22:09,937
"TO BE X-RAYING OUR GENITALS.
547
00:22:09,980 --> 00:22:11,242
"WE'LL TAKE
THE FREE CROTCH MASSAGE INSTEAD.
548
00:22:11,286 --> 00:22:14,071
THANK YOU VERY MUCH."
549
00:22:14,115 --> 00:22:15,508
THE FAT GUY IN THE BLUE GLOVES
COMES OUT.
550
00:22:15,551 --> 00:22:17,074
"WHAT DO WE GOT HERE?
WHAT DO WE GOT HERE?
551
00:22:17,118 --> 00:22:19,294
"OKAY.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SENSITIVE AREAS?
552
00:22:19,338 --> 00:22:20,948
DO YOU HAVE ANY--"
"WELL, YOU KNOW, MY RELATIONSHIP
553
00:22:20,991 --> 00:22:25,039
WITH MY MOTHER IS KIND
OF A SENSITIVE AREA, YOU KNOW."
554
00:22:25,082 --> 00:22:27,476
I FEEL SORRY FOR SECURITY,
SORRY FOR THE GUY IN THE BOOTH,
555
00:22:27,520 --> 00:22:29,391
YOU KNOW, AFTER BEING THERE,
'CAUSE YOU'RE GONNA--
556
00:22:29,435 --> 00:22:30,827
THE SECURITY, THEY'RE GONNA
GAMBLE AWAY EVERY PAYCHECK.
557
00:22:30,871 --> 00:22:32,394
THEY'RE GONNA LOSE
ALL THEIR MONEY.
558
00:22:32,438 --> 00:22:33,874
IT'S LIKE "AHA!
I TOLD YOU, TRANSVESTITE.
559
00:22:33,917 --> 00:22:35,049
"50 BUCKS, BOBBY.
LET'S GO, RIGHT THERE.
560
00:22:35,092 --> 00:22:37,181
"RIGHT THERE.
AHA, ONE BALL.
561
00:22:37,225 --> 00:22:42,012
DANNY, YOU OWE ME 20,
LOOK AT THAT RIGHT THERE."
562
00:22:42,056 --> 00:22:43,362
I JUST THINK WE'RE AMERICANS.
WE'RE SMARTER THAN THAT.
563
00:22:43,405 --> 00:22:44,624
COME ON,
WE INVENTED THE PHONE,
564
00:22:44,667 --> 00:22:46,321
THE FLYING MACHINE,
THE INTERNET.
565
00:22:46,365 --> 00:22:48,062
WE CAN COME UP WITH A RULE
THAT APPLIES TO EVERYBODY.
566
00:22:48,105 --> 00:22:49,411
MOVE THINGS ALONG,
RESTORE DIGNITY AND LUXURY
567
00:22:49,455 --> 00:22:50,586
THAT FLYING DESERVES.
I GOT AN IDEA.
568
00:22:50,630 --> 00:22:52,327
IF YOU LIKE IT,
YOU RUN WITH IT.
569
00:22:52,371 --> 00:22:55,591
IF YOUR NAME TAKES UP MORE
THAN ONE PAGE ON YOUR PASSPORT,
570
00:22:55,635 --> 00:22:57,288
SPREAD YOUR FUCKING CHEEKS.
EVERYBODY ELSE IS GOOD.
571
00:22:57,332 --> 00:23:01,423
IT'S NOT TOO BAD.
IT'S NOT PERFECT.
572
00:23:01,467 --> 00:23:03,164
"OKAY, STEVE SMITH FROM
SAN JOSE, OKAY, YOU'RE GOOD.
573
00:23:03,207 --> 00:23:04,513
"NO, IT'S OKAY.
NO, KEEP YOUR SHOES ON.
574
00:23:04,557 --> 00:23:05,993
"IT'S OKAY.
NO, IT'S GOOD.
575
00:23:06,036 --> 00:23:07,298
"TAKE THE KNIFE WITH YOU.
WE TRUST YOU.
576
00:23:07,342 --> 00:23:08,778
"YOU'RE GOOD.
NO, YOU'RE GOOD.
577
00:23:08,822 --> 00:23:11,781
"KHALID RAFSANJANI AHMADINEJAD
ABDUL MUTALEB,
578
00:23:11,825 --> 00:23:14,523
"LET'S TAKE A LOOK
AT THAT ASSHOLE OF YOURS.
579
00:23:18,919 --> 00:23:21,312
"IT'S EITHER A HAND GRENADE...
580
00:23:21,356 --> 00:23:22,792
"OR A DINGLEBERRY.
581
00:23:22,836 --> 00:23:24,577
"CLIMB IN THERE
AND SEE WHAT THE HELL THIS--
582
00:23:24,620 --> 00:23:26,796
PUT IT ON THE X-RAY MACHINE,
YOU KNOW."
583
00:23:26,840 --> 00:23:28,537
WE GOT TO GET HEALTHY.
584
00:23:28,581 --> 00:23:30,147
THAT'S WHAT'S THE THING
ABOUT BANKRUPTING AMERICA,
585
00:23:30,191 --> 00:23:32,149
IS WE GOT TO GET HEALTHY,
YOU KNOW.
586
00:23:32,193 --> 00:23:34,238
ONE OUT OF THREE AMERICANS
IS OVERWEIGHT.
587
00:23:34,282 --> 00:23:37,328
ONE OUT OF SIX AMERICANS
IS REALLY OVERWEIGHT.
588
00:23:37,372 --> 00:23:39,461
NOW THAT'S SOME MESSED-UP PEOPLE
OUT THERE.
589
00:23:39,505 --> 00:23:41,376
THE GOOD THING ABOUT BEING FAT
IN AMERICA
590
00:23:41,420 --> 00:23:43,683
IS NO MATTER HOW FAT YOU ARE,
THERE'S ALWAYS SOMEBODY FATTER.
591
00:23:43,726 --> 00:23:46,468
LIKE, "I'M FUCKED UP?
LOOK AT THAT GUY OVER THERE.
592
00:23:46,512 --> 00:23:50,341
HE NEEDS A SPECIAL CAR."
593
00:23:50,385 --> 00:23:51,734
IT'S AMAZING.
THAT'S WHAT PISSES ME OFF.
594
00:23:51,778 --> 00:23:53,475
YOU SEE THESE COMMERCIALS
LATE AT NIGHT
595
00:23:53,519 --> 00:23:55,216
THAT DON'T ENCOURAGE PEOPLE
TO GET HEALTHY, LIKE,
596
00:23:55,259 --> 00:23:57,305
"THE NEW BODY CORSET."
597
00:23:57,348 --> 00:23:58,741
IT'S LIKE,
WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?
598
00:23:58,785 --> 00:24:00,700
"JUST SQUISH
ALL THAT SHIT TOGETHER
599
00:24:00,743 --> 00:24:05,400
AND PUT YOUR CLOTHES BACK ON."
600
00:24:05,444 --> 00:24:06,662
THAT'S NOT HELPING.
601
00:24:06,706 --> 00:24:08,403
WALK AROUND THE BLOCK.
602
00:24:08,447 --> 00:24:09,491
SKIP DESSERT.
TAKE A DUMP.
603
00:24:09,535 --> 00:24:12,929
DO ANYTHING, COME ON.
604
00:24:12,973 --> 00:24:15,497
THE BIGGEST THREAT TO AMERICAN
WAY OF LIFE IS NOT AL-QAEDA.
605
00:24:15,541 --> 00:24:17,325
IT'S NOT IRAN.
IT'S NOT NORTH KOREA.
606
00:24:17,368 --> 00:24:20,154
IT'S FUCKING CHEESECAKE FACTORY.
607
00:24:20,197 --> 00:24:22,330
WHO'S FRYING
THE MACARONI AND CHEESE?
608
00:24:22,373 --> 00:24:23,549
IT'S ALREADY
CHEESE AND MACARONI.
609
00:24:23,592 --> 00:24:25,246
WHAT ELSE COULD WE DO TO IT?
610
00:24:25,289 --> 00:24:26,769
"IT'S MACARONI AND CHEESE.
WE COULD FRY IT.
611
00:24:26,813 --> 00:24:28,684
"YEAH.
WHAT ELSE CAN WE DO?
612
00:24:28,728 --> 00:24:30,556
"WE COULD PUT SOME CIGARETTES
IN THERE.
613
00:24:30,599 --> 00:24:33,036
"REESE--REESE'S
PEANUT BUTTER CUPS.
614
00:24:33,080 --> 00:24:34,081
"YEAH, LET'S FUCK IT UP.
GO AHEAD.
615
00:24:34,124 --> 00:24:35,517
"PUT SOME MORE SHIT IN THERE.
616
00:24:35,561 --> 00:24:37,650
LET'S KILL
THESE FUCKING PEOPLE."
617
00:24:37,693 --> 00:24:39,826
AND OUR OLD PEOPLE
ARE BANKRUPTING US.
618
00:24:39,869 --> 00:24:41,654
YOU KNOW,
HALF THE COMMERCIALS ON TV
619
00:24:41,697 --> 00:24:43,743
ARE NOW DRUGS AIMED AT OLD
PEOPLE WHO OBVIOUSLY AREN'T
620
00:24:43,786 --> 00:24:46,223
IN A POSITION TO BE MAKING GOOD
DECISIONS, BECAUSE THEY'RE LOOPY
621
00:24:46,267 --> 00:24:48,965
FROM ALL THE OTHER SHIT
THEY'RE ALREADY TAKING.
622
00:24:49,009 --> 00:24:50,750
THEY ADVERTISE THIS STUFF
LATE AT NIGHT,
623
00:24:50,793 --> 00:24:52,882
LIKE, "DO YOU NOT WANT
TO PEE ANYMORE?
624
00:24:52,926 --> 00:24:56,451
THEN TAKE 'FLOW LESS'
AND NEVER PEE AGAIN."
625
00:24:56,495 --> 00:24:58,584
YOU STAY UP REALLY LATE
AT NIGHT,
626
00:24:58,627 --> 00:25:00,586
THAT'S WHEN THE REALLY BIZARRE,
FAKE COMMERCIALS COME ON,
627
00:25:00,629 --> 00:25:01,935
YOU KNOW, THOSE FAKE DISEASES.
628
00:25:01,978 --> 00:25:03,197
LIKE, "DO YOU HAVE ONE BALL
629
00:25:03,240 --> 00:25:05,765
"THAT STICKS TO THE SIDE
OF YOUR LEG?
630
00:25:05,808 --> 00:25:08,376
"YOU COULD HAVE
'ONE BALL STUCK TO THE SIDE
631
00:25:08,419 --> 00:25:09,812
"OF YOUR LEG' SYNDROME.
632
00:25:09,856 --> 00:25:13,686
"YOU NEED TO TAKE
ASSLICKOVOREPOLYHYDRATE.
633
00:25:13,729 --> 00:25:16,993
GET RID OF THAT ONE BALL
STUCK TO THE SIDE OF YOUR LEG."
634
00:25:17,037 --> 00:25:18,952
THEN THEY RUN THE SIDE EFFECTS
AT THE END OF THE COMMERCIAL.
635
00:25:18,995 --> 00:25:20,780
THE SIDE EFFECTS ARE ALWAYS
A THOUSAND TIMES WORSE
636
00:25:20,823 --> 00:25:22,825
THAN HAVING A BALL STUCK
TO YOUR FUCKING LEG, YOU KNOW?
637
00:25:22,869 --> 00:25:24,523
"SIDE EFFECTS ARE
YOU COULD BLEED FROM YOUR EARS
638
00:25:24,566 --> 00:25:25,915
"AND YOUR EYES AND YOUR ASS.
639
00:25:25,959 --> 00:25:27,264
"YOU COULD HAVE SEIZURES,
640
00:25:27,308 --> 00:25:29,136
"GO INTO SHOCK, STOP BREATHING.
641
00:25:29,179 --> 00:25:32,226
"YOUR BLADDER COULD EXPLODE
IN FRONT OF YOUR GRANDCHILDREN.
642
00:25:32,269 --> 00:25:34,968
YOU MAY NEVER BE ABLE
TO SHIT AGAIN."
643
00:25:35,011 --> 00:25:38,493
MY FAVORITE IS "SOME PATIENTS
ON ASSLICKOVORE
644
00:25:38,537 --> 00:25:40,930
HAVE EXPERIENCED THEIR OTHER
BALL STICKING TO THEIR LEG."
645
00:25:40,974 --> 00:25:45,761
IT'S LIKE, COME ON.
646
00:25:45,805 --> 00:25:48,068
WE HAVE A CROSS-CULTURAL KID.
LITTLE MIRANDA.
647
00:25:48,111 --> 00:25:49,809
I COME FROM A CROSS-CULTURAL
BACKGROUND.
648
00:25:49,852 --> 00:25:51,985
MY DAD WAS JEWISH.
MY MOM'S FILIPINO.
649
00:25:52,028 --> 00:25:55,945
IT'S LIKE THE PERFECT STORM
OF SMALL PENISES.
650
00:26:00,123 --> 00:26:04,693
MY HOUSE SMELLED LIKE SOY SAUCE
AND THE HOLOCAUST.
651
00:26:07,000 --> 00:26:09,263
MY DAD WAS VERY HAPPY HE MARRIED
AN ASIAN WOMAN.
652
00:26:09,306 --> 00:26:10,830
MY DAD WOULD TRY TO GIVE ME
ADVICE WHEN I WAS YOUNGER.
653
00:26:10,873 --> 00:26:12,875
HE SAID, "HEY ROBBY, HEY, HEY.
654
00:26:12,919 --> 00:26:17,097
IF YOU WANT TO BE HAPPY,
GET YOURSELF AN ORIENTAL."
655
00:26:17,140 --> 00:26:19,490
IT'S ALREADY INAPPROPRIATE
RIGHT THERE, YOU KNOW?
656
00:26:19,534 --> 00:26:21,014
"YOU KNOW THESE ORIENTALS
WILL TAKE CARE OF YOU
657
00:26:21,057 --> 00:26:22,711
"IN EVERY WAY IMAGINABLE.
658
00:26:22,755 --> 00:26:24,626
"THEY WILL GIVE YOU HAND RELIEF
AND ORAL.
659
00:26:24,670 --> 00:26:26,106
WHAT THESE ORIENTALS CAN DO
WITH THEIR MOUTHS--"
660
00:26:26,149 --> 00:26:28,935
"HEY, DAD!
661
00:26:28,978 --> 00:26:33,592
"THAT 'ORIENTAL'
IS IN THE KITCHEN.
662
00:26:33,635 --> 00:26:37,900
"THAT'S MOM.
MY MOM.
663
00:26:37,944 --> 00:26:41,556
I'M SEVEN."
664
00:26:43,776 --> 00:26:45,821
MY MOM'S ORIGINALLY FROM MANILA
IN THE PHILIPPINES.
665
00:26:45,865 --> 00:26:47,301
SHE SPEAKS VERY GOOD ENGLISH,
BUT THE SUBTLETIES
666
00:26:47,344 --> 00:26:48,607
OF THE LANGUAGE
HAVE ALWAYS ESCAPED HER.
667
00:26:48,650 --> 00:26:50,043
YOU KNOW, LIKE THE SWEAR WORDS
668
00:26:50,086 --> 00:26:51,740
SHE NEVER QUITE FIGURED OUT,
YOU KNOW.
669
00:26:51,784 --> 00:26:53,263
SHE'D HEAR MY BROTHER AND I CALL
EACH OTHER NAMES,
670
00:26:53,307 --> 00:26:54,700
AND SHE'D USE THOSE SAME NAMES
TO GET US
671
00:26:54,743 --> 00:26:56,527
TO PICK UP AROUND THE HOUSE.
672
00:26:56,571 --> 00:27:00,619
"ALL RIGHT, YOU FAGGOTS,
PICK UP YOUR TOWELS.
673
00:27:00,662 --> 00:27:04,753
"BEDTIME FOR QUEER BAITS,
LET'S GO.
674
00:27:04,797 --> 00:27:08,627
"GET READY FOR SCHOOL,
ASS PIRATES.
675
00:27:08,670 --> 00:27:13,936
YOU DON'T WANT TO BE THE LAST
FUDGE PACKERS ON THE BUS."
676
00:27:16,330 --> 00:27:17,810
"DID MOM JUST CALL US
FUDGE PACKERS?
677
00:27:17,853 --> 00:27:19,768
"IS THAT WHAT HAPPENED?
678
00:27:19,812 --> 00:27:23,076
I THINK SHE DID."
679
00:27:23,119 --> 00:27:25,121
MY MOM WILL COOK FILIPINO FOOD,
OF COURSE.
680
00:27:25,165 --> 00:27:27,602
CHICKEN ADOBO, AND SHE'D LEAVE
IT ON THE STOVE OVERNIGHT.
681
00:27:27,646 --> 00:27:28,995
SHE WOULDN'T REFRIGERATE IT,
'CAUSE THEY DIDN'T HAVE
682
00:27:29,038 --> 00:27:30,344
REFRIGERATORS
IN THE PHILIPPINES.
683
00:27:30,387 --> 00:27:31,562
YOU KNOW,
EVEN AS AN EIGHT-YEAR-OLD,
684
00:27:31,606 --> 00:27:32,999
IT SEEMED KIND OF FUNKY,
YOU KNOW.
685
00:27:33,042 --> 00:27:34,304
"MOM, WHY DON'T YOU PUT THAT
IN THE--"
686
00:27:34,348 --> 00:27:36,524
"DOESN'T NEED TO BE 'FRIGERATED.
687
00:27:36,567 --> 00:27:38,657
"WE DON'T 'FRIGERATE
IN THE PHILIPPINES.
688
00:27:38,700 --> 00:27:40,702
WE DON'T 'FRIGERATE HERE."
689
00:27:40,746 --> 00:27:45,751
"YEAH, BUT WE GOT ONE."
690
00:27:45,794 --> 00:27:47,404
"DOESN'T NEED
TO BE 'FRIGERATED."
691
00:27:47,448 --> 00:27:49,276
IT'S LIKE, WHAT ABOUT BUGS
GETTING IN THERE?
692
00:27:49,319 --> 00:27:53,454
"NO BUGS WILL GO ANYWHERE
NEAR THIS FOOD."
693
00:27:53,497 --> 00:27:55,717
IT'S LIKE, WHY ARE WE FUCKING
EATIN' IT THEN?
694
00:27:55,761 --> 00:27:57,893
IT'S BEEN REJECTED BY BUGS.
695
00:27:57,937 --> 00:28:00,722
[makes buzzing sound]
696
00:28:00,766 --> 00:28:04,552
"I DON'T TRUST IT.
697
00:28:04,595 --> 00:28:07,076
[makes buzzing sound]
698
00:28:07,120 --> 00:28:08,382
"LOOKS LIKE FILIPINO FOOD.
COME ON, GUYS.
699
00:28:08,425 --> 00:28:10,645
"LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.
700
00:28:10,689 --> 00:28:13,779
[makes buzzing sound]
I'M ONLY ALIVE FOR 72 HOURS.
701
00:28:13,822 --> 00:28:15,563
"I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE WHOLE
TIME HAVING DIARRHEA.
702
00:28:15,606 --> 00:28:20,176
[makes buzzing sound]
703
00:28:20,220 --> 00:28:22,222
WASTING FOOD IS A BIG DEAL
IN MY MOM'S HOUSE, THOUGH,
704
00:28:22,265 --> 00:28:24,093
BECAUSE SHE'S A WAR SURVIVOR,
YOU KNOW.
705
00:28:24,137 --> 00:28:26,487
WORLD WAR II DURING THE JAPANESE
OCCUPATION, YOU KNOW.
706
00:28:26,530 --> 00:28:27,967
YOU KNOW,
AS AN EIGHT-YEAR-OLD,
707
00:28:28,010 --> 00:28:29,185
YOU DON'T KNOW ANY OF THAT SHIT.
708
00:28:29,229 --> 00:28:31,971
"YOU GONNA EAT THAT POTATO?"
709
00:28:32,014 --> 00:28:34,060
"WELL, I HAVEN'T EATEN IT YET."
710
00:28:34,103 --> 00:28:38,238
"I HAD TO CRAWL UP A MOUNTAIN
FOR THREE DAYS TO GET A POTATO.
711
00:28:38,281 --> 00:28:39,848
"THE JAPANESE
WERE SHOOTING AT US.
712
00:28:39,892 --> 00:28:42,546
"HAD TO CRAWL UNDER--
MY HANDS AND KNEES--
713
00:28:42,590 --> 00:28:46,812
UNDER BARBED WIRE TO BRING
MY MOM BACK A POTATO."
714
00:28:46,855 --> 00:28:48,204
"WELL, THEN YOU
SHOULD FUCKING EAT IT,
715
00:28:48,248 --> 00:28:49,597
BECAUSE YOU OBVIOUSLY..."
716
00:28:49,640 --> 00:28:52,556
[imitates assault sounds]
717
00:28:56,909 --> 00:28:58,780
AND OF COURSE, YOU KNOW,
YOUR PARENTS GET OLDER,
718
00:28:58,824 --> 00:29:00,477
THE AGE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN YOU
AND THEM BECOMES INSIGNIFICANT.
719
00:29:00,521 --> 00:29:01,783
THEY BECOME MORE
LIKE YOUR FRIENDS.
720
00:29:01,827 --> 00:29:03,219
THEY FEEL MORE COMFORTABLE
OPENING UP
721
00:29:03,263 --> 00:29:04,655
AND TELLING YOU THINGS
THAT'LL SCAR YOU
722
00:29:04,699 --> 00:29:06,614
FOR THE REST OF YOUR ADULT LIFE,
YOU KNOW.
723
00:29:06,657 --> 00:29:09,225
SO MY MOM FELT COMFORTABLE
TELLING ME STUFF.
724
00:29:09,269 --> 00:29:12,925
"ROBERT, ALL YOUR FATHER WANTS
IS SEX,
725
00:29:12,968 --> 00:29:16,624
"AND I DON'T WANT IT ANYMORE.
726
00:29:16,667 --> 00:29:22,108
"MY JAW HURTS.
727
00:29:22,151 --> 00:29:24,980
"I'M NOT AS LIMBER
AS I USED TO BE.
728
00:29:25,024 --> 00:29:28,592
"CAN'T GET MY ANKLES
BEHIND MY EARS LIKE HE LIKES.
729
00:29:28,636 --> 00:29:30,246
"I DON'T WANT TO SIT
IN THE DAMN CHAIR
730
00:29:30,290 --> 00:29:33,336
"WITH ALL THE ROPES SPINNING
BACK AND FORTH ANYMORE.
731
00:29:33,380 --> 00:29:35,991
I GET DIZZY AS HELL
IN THAT DAMN CHAIR."
732
00:29:36,035 --> 00:29:37,950
"EXCUSE ME FOR A SECOND,
MOM, WILL YOU?"
733
00:29:37,993 --> 00:29:41,083
[imitates vomiting sound]
734
00:29:46,785 --> 00:29:48,569
MY WIFE PATRICIA,
LIKE ALL WOMEN,
735
00:29:48,612 --> 00:29:53,139
SHE SUFFERS
FROM SELECTIVE MEMORY DISORDER.
736
00:29:53,182 --> 00:29:54,488
WOMEN ONLY REMEMBER THE STUFF
THEY WANT TO REMEMBER,
737
00:29:54,531 --> 00:29:56,664
THE STUFF THAT SERVES
THEIR PURPOSES.
738
00:29:56,707 --> 00:29:58,405
STUFF THEY DON'T WANT
TO REMEMBER,
739
00:29:58,448 --> 00:30:01,321
THEY CONVENIENTLY LOSE
ALL KNOWLEDGE OF, YOU KNOW.
740
00:30:01,364 --> 00:30:03,062
STUFF MY WIFE WANTS TO REMEMBER,
IT'S LIKE,
741
00:30:03,105 --> 00:30:04,715
"OKAY, YOU SAID YOU GONNA TAKE
A DANCE CLASS AT 7:30,
742
00:30:04,759 --> 00:30:06,674
"WEST HOLLYWOOD, SALSA LESSON.
COME ON.
743
00:30:06,717 --> 00:30:08,241
WE GOT TO GO."
744
00:30:08,284 --> 00:30:10,591
"OH, WHEN DID I AGREE TO THAT?"
745
00:30:10,634 --> 00:30:15,291
"AUGUST 13TH, 3:32 P.M.
746
00:30:15,335 --> 00:30:16,510
"YOU WERE WEARING BROWN SLACKS,
747
00:30:16,553 --> 00:30:18,729
"A U2 T-SHIRT,
TENNIS SHOES.
748
00:30:18,773 --> 00:30:22,385
"IT WAS 68 DEGREES, SLIGHT
CHANCE OF PRECIPITATION.
749
00:30:22,429 --> 00:30:24,039
"I SAID, 'YOU WANT TO TAKE
A SALSA LESSON?'
750
00:30:24,083 --> 00:30:26,650
"YOU DID THIS.
751
00:30:26,694 --> 00:30:31,220
EVERYONE KNOWS THAT MEANS YES."
752
00:30:31,264 --> 00:30:33,135
STUFF SHE DOESN'T WANT
TO REMEMBER, IT'S LIKE,
753
00:30:33,179 --> 00:30:34,833
"HONEY, WHEN DID YOU SCRATCH
THE SHIT OUT OF THE CAR?"
754
00:30:34,876 --> 00:30:36,269
"WHAT CAR?"
755
00:30:36,312 --> 00:30:39,315
I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW
WE HAD A CAR."
756
00:30:42,492 --> 00:30:46,279
WOMEN ARE
VERY POWERFUL CREATURES.
757
00:30:46,322 --> 00:30:48,716
I DON'T MEAN THAT IN A GOOD WAY.
758
00:30:48,759 --> 00:30:51,675
WOMEN WILL MAKE YOU
DOUBT SOMETHING
759
00:30:51,719 --> 00:30:55,418
YOU KNOW YOU FUCKING DID.
760
00:30:55,462 --> 00:30:57,116
YOUR GUY FRIENDS
WON'T MAKE YOU DOUBT.
761
00:30:57,159 --> 00:30:58,944
WOMEN WILL MAKE YOU DOUBT
SOMETHING YOU KNOW
762
00:30:58,987 --> 00:31:01,120
FOR SURE YOU DID, MAKE YOU LOSE
ALL CONFIDENCE IN IT.
763
00:31:01,163 --> 00:31:04,297
"HONEY, DID YOU LOCK
THE FRONT DOOR?"
764
00:31:11,913 --> 00:31:15,525
"MAYBE I DIDN'T LOCK
THE FRONT DOOR.
765
00:31:15,569 --> 00:31:19,225
"MAYBE I HAD A 'LOCKING
THE FRONT DOOR' HALLUCINATION.
766
00:31:19,268 --> 00:31:24,752
MAYBE I SECRETLY WANT PEOPLE
TO COME IN AND KILL US."
767
00:31:24,795 --> 00:31:26,710
WOMEN ARE MAGICIANS.
768
00:31:26,754 --> 00:31:31,411
WOMEN CAN MAKE THINGS APPEAR
AND DISAPPEAR AT WILL.
769
00:31:31,454 --> 00:31:32,847
WE CAN'T DO THAT.
770
00:31:32,891 --> 00:31:34,631
"HONEY, I CAN'T FIND
MY CAR KEYS.
771
00:31:34,675 --> 00:31:36,068
DO YOU KNOW
WHERE MY CAR KEYS ARE?"
772
00:31:36,111 --> 00:31:38,200
"IT'S ON THE PLATE
BY THE FRONT DOOR."
773
00:31:38,244 --> 00:31:41,987
"NO, I LOOKED THERE, IT'S NOT--"
"WELL, LOOK AGAIN."
774
00:31:47,166 --> 00:31:49,211
"NO, IT'S NOT THERE."
"IT IS THERE."
775
00:31:49,255 --> 00:31:51,474
"NO, I SWEAR TO GOD.
I JUST--"
776
00:31:51,518 --> 00:31:53,128
"DON'T MAKE ME COME DOWN THERE."
777
00:31:53,172 --> 00:31:54,521
"HONEY, I'M TELLING YOU,
IT'S NOT."
778
00:31:54,564 --> 00:31:58,612
"OH, GOD DAMN."
[makes thumping noise]
779
00:31:58,655 --> 00:32:01,963
"IT'S RIGHT FUCKING HERE.
780
00:32:02,007 --> 00:32:03,530
"IT WAS HERE
THE WHOLE FUCKING TIME.
781
00:32:03,573 --> 00:32:05,924
WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?"
782
00:32:10,058 --> 00:32:11,886
SHE'S A WITCH.
783
00:32:11,930 --> 00:32:14,758
BURN HER.
WITCH!
784
00:32:17,239 --> 00:32:19,198
SO WOMEN COULD EASILY
COME OUT AND TELL US
785
00:32:19,241 --> 00:32:21,113
WHAT IT IS THEY WANT, BUT WOMEN
DON'T FEEL THEY SHOULD HAVE TO.
786
00:32:21,156 --> 00:32:24,116
WOMEN ARE INSULTED.
"YOU SHOULD KNOW.
787
00:32:24,159 --> 00:32:25,987
"I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO TELL YOU
WHAT THE PROBLEM--IF I HAVE
788
00:32:26,031 --> 00:32:29,469
"TO TELL YOU WHAT THE PROBLEM
IS, THAT'S ANOTHER PROBLEM.
789
00:32:29,512 --> 00:32:32,254
"YOU JUST DOUBLED YOUR PROBLEMS
RIGHT THERE.
790
00:32:32,298 --> 00:32:34,300
"YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO CLIMB
IN MY BRAIN, LOOK AROUND,
791
00:32:34,343 --> 00:32:36,519
"FIND OUT WHAT I WANT AND WHAT I
DON'T WANT, PUT YOUR SHIT AWAY.
792
00:32:36,563 --> 00:32:39,740
YOU'RE SELFISH
BEING YOUR OWN PERSON."
793
00:32:39,783 --> 00:32:43,135
OH, JUST TELL US
WHAT IT IS YOU WANT, LADIES,
794
00:32:43,178 --> 00:32:44,701
'CAUSE WE DON'T WANT
TO DISAPPOINT YOU,
795
00:32:44,745 --> 00:32:46,790
BECAUSE WE'RE GUYS.
WE WILL FRUSTRATE YOU.
796
00:32:46,834 --> 00:32:48,270
WE'LL GUESS WRONG EVERY TIME.
797
00:32:48,314 --> 00:32:50,359
JUST TELL US
WHAT THE PROBLEM IS.
798
00:32:50,403 --> 00:32:53,014
TELL US WHAT YOU WANT US TO DO
TO FIX IT, AND WE'LL DO THAT.
799
00:32:53,058 --> 00:32:58,063
OTHERWISE WE'LL--BECAUSE WE
CAN'T FIGURE IT OUT ON OUR OWN.
800
00:32:58,106 --> 00:33:00,674
SHE'S CRYING.
801
00:33:03,633 --> 00:33:06,549
MAYBE SHE WANTS A PIZZA.
802
00:33:10,989 --> 00:33:13,861
IF I WAS CRYING,
I'D WANT A PIZZA.
803
00:33:13,904 --> 00:33:17,908
I WONDER WHAT KIND OF PIZZA
SHE WANTS.
804
00:33:17,952 --> 00:33:21,521
I KNOW WHAT KIND OF PIZZA
I WANT.
805
00:33:21,564 --> 00:33:25,264
I WANT THE PIZZA WITH
THE SAUSAGE AND THEN PIZZA--
806
00:33:25,307 --> 00:33:28,267
WHY IS SHE THROWING
THE PIZZA AT ME?
807
00:33:28,310 --> 00:33:33,446
WHAT DID THE PIZZA DO
TO PISS HER OFF?
808
00:33:33,489 --> 00:33:34,969
I DON'T MEAN TO PICK ON WOMEN,
809
00:33:35,013 --> 00:33:37,711
BUT I DO NEED TO HAVE AN ACT,
YOU KNOW?
810
00:33:37,754 --> 00:33:40,061
'CAUSE WOMEN DON'T FIGHT FAIR,
AND YOU KNOW
811
00:33:40,105 --> 00:33:41,584
YOU DON'T FIGHT FAIR,
CAUSE WOMEN DON'T FIGHT
812
00:33:41,628 --> 00:33:42,759
TO WIN THE ARGUMENT.
WOMEN FIGHT TO DESTROY US.
813
00:33:42,803 --> 00:33:44,587
THAT'S A DIFFERENT GOAL.
814
00:33:44,631 --> 00:33:46,981
GUYS FUCK UP
BECAUSE WE TEND TO ARGUE
815
00:33:47,025 --> 00:33:51,638
ABOUT WHAT THE ARGUMENT'S
ACTUALLY ABOUT.
816
00:33:51,681 --> 00:33:55,120
WOMEN DON'T FEEL
THAT CONSTRAINED.
817
00:33:55,163 --> 00:33:57,122
IT'S LIKE, "HONEY, DID YOU HAVE
TO PARK BEHIND ME?
818
00:33:57,165 --> 00:33:59,080
"YOU KNOW I GOT TO GET UP
AT 5:00 IN THE MORNING
819
00:33:59,124 --> 00:34:00,560
"AND DRIVE TO THE AIRPORT.
820
00:34:00,603 --> 00:34:02,214
"THEN YOU HAVE TO HIDE
YOUR CAR KEYS,
821
00:34:02,257 --> 00:34:04,129
"SO I CAN'T MOVE YOUR CAR,
SO I MISS MY FLIGHT.
822
00:34:04,172 --> 00:34:05,782
DID YOU HAVE TO DO THAT, HUH?"
823
00:34:05,826 --> 00:34:08,350
"OH, YEAH?
824
00:34:08,394 --> 00:34:11,571
YOU NEVER MAKE ME COME."
825
00:34:22,756 --> 00:34:27,543
THAT'S NOT FAIR.
STOP DOING THAT.
826
00:34:27,587 --> 00:34:29,893
BUT I ADMIRE WOMEN.
I DO.
827
00:34:29,937 --> 00:34:32,070
WOMEN HAVE THE ABILITY
TO STEP OUTSIDE THEMSELVES
828
00:34:32,113 --> 00:34:33,680
AND APPRECIATE
ANOTHER WOMAN'S BEAUTY.
829
00:34:33,723 --> 00:34:35,334
THAT'S A VERY POWERFUL THING.
830
00:34:35,377 --> 00:34:36,900
A WOMAN CAN GO UP
TO ANOTHER WOMAN
831
00:34:36,944 --> 00:34:38,902
SHE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW
AND GO, "WOW.
832
00:34:38,946 --> 00:34:41,644
"YOU'RE
A REALLY BEAUTIFUL WOMAN.
833
00:34:41,688 --> 00:34:43,820
I LIKE WHAT YOU'RE DOING
WITH YOUR HAIR,"
834
00:34:43,864 --> 00:34:46,345
AND MEAN IT, YOU KNOW.
835
00:34:46,388 --> 00:34:48,434
GUYS ARE MUCH MORE INSECURE.
836
00:34:48,477 --> 00:34:50,871
GUYS DON'T HAVE THAT CONFIDENCE
AT ALL.
837
00:34:50,914 --> 00:34:54,483
YOU NEVER HEAR A GUY GO UP
TO ANOTHER GUY AND GO,
838
00:34:54,527 --> 00:34:59,880
"WOW, YOU'RE
A REALLY BEAUTIFUL GUY.
839
00:34:59,923 --> 00:35:02,926
"I LIKE WHAT YOU DO
WITH YOUR EYEBROWS.
840
00:35:02,970 --> 00:35:03,927
"DO YOU SHAVE
YOUR OWN CHEST HAIR?
841
00:35:03,971 --> 00:35:04,928
"HEY, WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
842
00:35:04,972 --> 00:35:07,540
"COME BACK HERE, BEAUTIFUL GUY!
843
00:35:07,583 --> 00:35:10,717
"BEAUTIFUL GUY'S GETTING AWAY.
844
00:35:10,760 --> 00:35:13,676
BEAUTIFUL GUY!"
845
00:35:21,031 --> 00:35:23,164
YET WOMEN, IF THEY SO CHOOSE,
CAN FIND THE ONE DEFECT
846
00:35:23,208 --> 00:35:24,426
IN AN OTHERWISE
PERFECTLY GOOD-LOOKING WOMAN
847
00:35:24,470 --> 00:35:26,167
AND TEAR HER TO SHREDS.
848
00:35:26,211 --> 00:35:27,951
"YEAH, SHE'S PRETTY, I GUESS,
849
00:35:27,995 --> 00:35:32,565
"BUT THAT'S
A LONG, FUCKED-UP NECK.
850
00:35:32,608 --> 00:35:34,567
"IF I WAS HER,
I'D NEVER EVEN LEAVE THE HOUSE.
851
00:35:34,610 --> 00:35:37,004
"I MEAN, I'D JUST STAY INDOORS
ALL DAY,
852
00:35:37,047 --> 00:35:40,138
HANG OUT
WITH ALL THE OTHER GIRAFFES."
853
00:35:46,622 --> 00:35:48,537
GUYS ARE THE OPPOSITE.
854
00:35:48,581 --> 00:35:50,017
GUYS SEE SOMETHING WRONG,
SOMETHING MESSED UP
855
00:35:50,060 --> 00:35:51,105
ON SOME OTHER GUY,
WE'RE CURIOUS.
856
00:35:51,149 --> 00:35:52,889
WE WANT TO KNOW ABOUT IT.
857
00:35:52,933 --> 00:35:54,021
"HEY, CHECK OUT THAT ASSHOLE.
HE'S MISSING AN ELBOW.
858
00:35:54,064 --> 00:35:57,459
"LET'S BUY HIM A BEER.
859
00:35:57,503 --> 00:35:58,852
"HOW DID YOU END UP
MISSING AN ELBOW?
860
00:35:58,895 --> 00:36:02,072
LOOK, HE CAN'T EVEN DRINK IT!"
861
00:36:09,993 --> 00:36:11,560
OF COURSE, WOMEN HAVE
A MUCH HIGHER TOLERANCE TO PAIN
862
00:36:11,604 --> 00:36:13,867
THAN US GUYS
COULD EVER HAVE, YOU KNOW.
863
00:36:13,910 --> 00:36:16,304
WOMEN CAN JUST TAKE THE IDEA
OF PAIN AND PUSH IT ASIDE
864
00:36:16,348 --> 00:36:19,394
LIKE A DISTANT BASTARD STEPCHILD
OF FASHION.
865
00:36:19,438 --> 00:36:21,483
MY WIFE CAN TAKE
THESE HIGH-HEEL SHOES,
866
00:36:21,527 --> 00:36:23,703
CRAM FIVE TOES
867
00:36:23,746 --> 00:36:26,401
INTO THE SPACE
OF A TOE AND A HALF,
868
00:36:26,445 --> 00:36:27,968
AND BE FINE.
869
00:36:28,011 --> 00:36:29,361
IT'S LIKE,
"HONEY, ARE THOSE PAINFUL?"
870
00:36:29,404 --> 00:36:32,190
"NAH, IT'S OKAY.
I CAN DEAL WITH IT."
871
00:36:32,233 --> 00:36:34,235
"WELL, THEY LOOK PAINFUL."
"NAH, IT'S OKAY.
872
00:36:34,279 --> 00:36:37,804
THEY ONLY HURT
WHEN I TAKE STEPS."
873
00:36:37,847 --> 00:36:39,501
TAKE STEPS?
874
00:36:39,545 --> 00:36:41,938
THAT'S THE WHOLE FUNCTION
OF SHOES, ISN'T IT?
875
00:36:41,982 --> 00:36:43,462
"IS THAT DRESS A LITTLE TIGHT?"
"NAH, IT'S OKAY.
876
00:36:43,505 --> 00:36:46,639
"I TOOK A FEW BREATHS
BEFORE I PUT IT ON.
877
00:36:46,682 --> 00:36:49,250
I DON'T THINK I'M GONNA BREATHE
A LOT TONIGHT."
878
00:36:49,294 --> 00:36:51,426
"IT MIGHT GET COLD LATER.
YOU WANT A SWEATER?"
879
00:36:51,470 --> 00:36:53,080
"NAH, IT DOESN'T MATCH
MY OUTFIT.
880
00:36:53,123 --> 00:36:54,690
"I'LL JUST DEAL WITH MY NIPPLES
GETTING FROSTBITE.
881
00:36:54,734 --> 00:36:57,519
IT'S OKAY."
882
00:36:57,563 --> 00:36:59,565
WOMEN WILL HAVE
THE MOST SENSITIVE PARTS
883
00:36:59,608 --> 00:37:01,349
OF THEIR BODIES SHAVED,
SCRAPED.
884
00:37:01,393 --> 00:37:04,091
WOMEN WILL PAY SOMEBODY
TO TAKE A STICK AND SOME WAX
885
00:37:04,134 --> 00:37:06,093
AND HAVE THE HAIR
ON THEIR VA-HOO-HOOS RIPPED OFF
886
00:37:06,136 --> 00:37:07,834
AND BE--BE TEXTING
WHILE IT'S HAPPENING.
887
00:37:07,877 --> 00:37:10,358
"YES, MARIA.
I'M AT THE BRAZILIAN WAX PLACE.
888
00:37:10,402 --> 00:37:12,186
"SHE'S VERY NICE.
VERY PROFESSIONAL.
889
00:37:12,230 --> 00:37:13,970
"SHE TALKS A LITTLE BIT,
BUT NOT TOO MUCH, YOU KNOW?
890
00:37:14,014 --> 00:37:15,450
"SHE'S VERY RESPECTFUL--
OKAY, DON'T FORGET THE BACK,
891
00:37:15,494 --> 00:37:17,104
"DON'T FORGET THE BACK.
OKAY, GET READY.
892
00:37:17,147 --> 00:37:18,410
"I'M COMING AT YOU.
I'M COMING AT YOU.
893
00:37:18,453 --> 00:37:20,020
"HERE WE GO.
I'M GONNA GET READY.
894
00:37:20,063 --> 00:37:21,021
"OKAY, I'M GONNA COME.
READY, HERE WE GO.
895
00:37:21,064 --> 00:37:22,631
"GRAB IT, GRAB IT.
896
00:37:22,675 --> 00:37:24,285
"OKAY, HOW MUCH I OWE YOU
FOR THAT?
897
00:37:24,329 --> 00:37:27,854
HOW MUCH IS THAT?
HOW MUCH I OWE YOU FOR THAT?"
898
00:37:27,897 --> 00:37:29,290
"GRAB IT."
899
00:37:29,334 --> 00:37:31,988
I--"GRAB IT."
900
00:37:32,032 --> 00:37:33,642
[laughs]
901
00:37:33,686 --> 00:37:35,122
I DON'T KNOW IF MY WIFE
SAYS THAT,
902
00:37:35,165 --> 00:37:36,297
BUT IT WOULD BE GREAT
IF SHE DID.
903
00:37:36,341 --> 00:37:37,733
WOULDN'T IT BE GREAT OR WHAT?
904
00:37:37,777 --> 00:37:40,301
"GRAB IT.
905
00:37:40,345 --> 00:37:43,826
TAKE THE BIG STICK RIGHT NOW."
906
00:37:43,870 --> 00:37:45,654
IT'S AMAZING.
I WAS IN THE BATHROOM,
907
00:37:45,698 --> 00:37:47,003
I SAW MY WIFE, YOU KNOW,
DOING SOMETHING
908
00:37:47,047 --> 00:37:48,483
I JUST--I JUST NEVER IMAGINED.
909
00:37:48,527 --> 00:37:50,093
SHE'S TAKING, LIKE,
DENTAL FLOSS, AND...
910
00:37:50,137 --> 00:37:51,486
[makes popping sound]
PLUCKING OUT HER EYEBROWS.
911
00:37:51,530 --> 00:37:53,053
[makes popping sound]
WITH DENTAL FLOSS.
912
00:37:53,096 --> 00:37:54,663
[makes popping sounds]
EVERY ONCE IN AWHILE,
913
00:37:54,707 --> 00:37:55,838
THEY TRY TO DO IT TO US.
"HONEY, YOU GOT A HAIR THERE."
914
00:37:55,882 --> 00:37:57,318
"WHAT?"
[makes popping sound]
915
00:37:57,362 --> 00:38:00,974
"WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?
916
00:38:01,017 --> 00:38:06,719
THAT WAS CONNECTED
TO MY BRAIN."
917
00:38:06,762 --> 00:38:08,329
'CAUSE, GUYS,
WE CAN'T DEAL WITH PAIN.
918
00:38:08,373 --> 00:38:10,157
WE DON'T WANT PAIN.
WE TRY TO AVOID PAIN.
919
00:38:10,200 --> 00:38:12,246
GUYS TRY TO AVOID PAIN
ALL THE TIME.
920
00:38:12,290 --> 00:38:14,161
IT'S LIKE,
"OW, OW, GET THESE OFF OF ME.
921
00:38:14,204 --> 00:38:18,861
I'M NEVER WEARING
THESE SOCKS AGAIN."
922
00:38:18,905 --> 00:38:21,647
LIKE, "AH! AH, THIS T-SHIRT
HAS AN ITCHY TAG.
923
00:38:21,690 --> 00:38:24,432
"FUCK ME.
OW. OW.
924
00:38:24,476 --> 00:38:27,348
"AH! WHY WOULD THEY MAKE
A T-SHIRT WITH AN ITCHY TAG?
925
00:38:27,392 --> 00:38:29,742
"THEY'RE INSANE.
926
00:38:29,785 --> 00:38:32,222
"IT'S NICE, SOFT MATERIAL,
BUT THE NECK, IT'S SANDPAPER.
927
00:38:32,266 --> 00:38:34,312
"I CAN'T DRIVE TONIGHT, HONEY.
YOU HAVE TO DRIVE.
928
00:38:34,355 --> 00:38:38,185
I CAN'T. ITCHY TAG.
I'LL KILL US ALL."
929
00:38:38,228 --> 00:38:40,187
WOMEN LOVE TO MOCK US ANY TIME
WE'RE IN PAIN.
930
00:38:40,230 --> 00:38:42,276
"SERIOUSLY?
931
00:38:42,320 --> 00:38:45,018
YOU'RE SAYING THAT HURTS,
SERIOUSLY?"
932
00:38:45,061 --> 00:38:47,281
"YES, THAT HURTS.
THAT'S MY PENIS.
933
00:38:47,325 --> 00:38:49,631
YOU'RE BENDING IT IN HALF."
934
00:38:49,675 --> 00:38:52,460
"REALLY, THIS HURTS?"
"YES, THOSE ARE MY BALLS, HONEY.
935
00:38:52,504 --> 00:38:54,506
YOU'RE TRYING TO RIP THEM
OFF MY BODY."
936
00:38:54,549 --> 00:38:58,466
WOMEN, JUST BY THE VERY VIRTUE
OF BEING A WOMAN,
937
00:38:58,510 --> 00:39:00,294
YOU'RE AUTOMATICALLY
A SMELL DETECTIVE.
938
00:39:00,338 --> 00:39:02,775
MY WIFE'S SENSE OF SMELL
IS RIDICULOUS.
939
00:39:02,818 --> 00:39:06,996
YOU KNOW, IT'S LIKE...
[sniffs]
940
00:39:11,087 --> 00:39:13,394
"DID YOU FART?"
941
00:39:13,438 --> 00:39:14,961
"NO."
942
00:39:15,004 --> 00:39:18,094
"OH, COME ON."
943
00:39:18,138 --> 00:39:21,097
"MAYBE FOUR HOURS AGO."
"I KNEW IT!
944
00:39:21,141 --> 00:39:25,537
I KNEW YOU FARTED IN MY CLOSET
AT 4:45, YOU ASSHOLE."
945
00:39:29,454 --> 00:39:33,849
"YOU ATE THAT CHEESECAKE.
I WAS SAVING THAT."
946
00:39:33,893 --> 00:39:38,114
MAYBE TOO MUCH INFORMATION.
947
00:39:38,158 --> 00:39:39,812
MY WIFE'S CLOSET'S
RIDICULOUS, THOUGH.
948
00:39:39,855 --> 00:39:41,161
I MEAN, WOMEN,
THEIR ORGANIZATIONAL SKILLS
949
00:39:41,204 --> 00:39:43,032
ARE INCREDIBLE.
YOU GO IN THERE,
950
00:39:43,076 --> 00:39:45,295
YOU SEE MY WIFE, SHE'S GOT
WINTER, SPRING, SUMMER, FALL.
951
00:39:45,339 --> 00:39:50,083
SHE'S GOT, LIKE, FORMAL,
CASUAL, AND SLUTTY,
952
00:39:50,126 --> 00:39:52,694
FORMAL SLUTTY, CASUAL SLUTTY,
SLUTTY SLUTTY,
953
00:39:52,738 --> 00:39:56,437
AND THEN WHORE.
954
00:39:56,481 --> 00:40:00,441
FORMAL WHORE, CASUAL WHORE,
SLUTTY WHORE, WHORE WHORE,
955
00:40:00,485 --> 00:40:05,968
CRACK WHORE, THE WHOLE
WHORE ENSEMBLE, YOU KNOW.
956
00:40:06,012 --> 00:40:07,796
GUYS ORGANIZE OURSELVES
DIFFERENTLY.
957
00:40:07,840 --> 00:40:10,669
THAT'S PRETTY CLEAN.
WHAT THE FUCK?
958
00:40:10,712 --> 00:40:14,673
THAT'S MORE THAN CLEAN ENOUGH
FOR WHAT I'M GONNA NEED IT FOR.
959
00:40:14,716 --> 00:40:20,461
I DON'T MEAN TO BE CRASS, BUT I
HAVE LEARNED THAT SEXY TALK,
960
00:40:20,505 --> 00:40:22,158
DIRTY TALK,
WHATEVER YOU WANT TO CALL IT,
961
00:40:22,202 --> 00:40:24,944
MUST ALWAYS BE INSTIGATED
BY THE WOMAN.
962
00:40:24,987 --> 00:40:27,381
IF THE WOMAN STARTS IT,
IT'S FINE,
963
00:40:27,425 --> 00:40:31,429
BUT IF THE GUY STARTS IT,
IT'S ALWAYS CREEPY.
964
00:40:31,472 --> 00:40:33,909
YOU KNOW, IF THE WOMAN
STARTS THE DIRTY TALK--
965
00:40:33,953 --> 00:40:36,651
"I JUST WANT YOU TO USE ME.
966
00:40:36,695 --> 00:40:40,176
"JUST GET CRAZY.
967
00:40:40,220 --> 00:40:42,178
"JUST PLEASURE YOURSELF.
DO WHATEVER YOU WANT TO ME.
968
00:40:42,222 --> 00:40:46,444
JUST USE ME, GET CRAZY."
969
00:40:46,487 --> 00:40:50,491
WELL, YEAH.
ALL RIGHT. OKAY.
970
00:40:50,535 --> 00:40:54,452
BUT IF A GUY STARTS IT,
YOU KNOW...
971
00:40:54,495 --> 00:41:00,066
[laughter]
972
00:41:00,109 --> 00:41:03,504
"I JUST WANT TO USE YOU.
DO WHATEVER I WANT."
973
00:41:03,548 --> 00:41:06,681
"I'M AT WORK, YOU FUCKING SICKO.
974
00:41:06,725 --> 00:41:08,727
YOU'RE ON SPEAKERPHONE."
"I'M SORRY, HONEY.
975
00:41:08,770 --> 00:41:10,250
"I JUST WANT TO TELL YOU
I LOVE YOU, THAT'S ALL.
976
00:41:10,293 --> 00:41:11,817
"I'M SORRY.
HEY, WHAT TIME YOU COMING HOME?
977
00:41:11,860 --> 00:41:15,037
I'LL MAKE YOU DINNER, OKAY."
978
00:41:15,081 --> 00:41:16,822
SO HERE'S THE THING, GUYS.
979
00:41:16,865 --> 00:41:18,606
IF YOU DO HAVE SOME WEIRD,
SEXUAL FANTASY, DON'T TELL HER.
980
00:41:18,650 --> 00:41:20,695
TRY IT ON HER,
BUT DON'T TELL HER, YOU KNOW,
981
00:41:20,739 --> 00:41:23,829
BECAUSE, IF YOU DO TELL HER,
SHE'LL NEVER FORGET IT
982
00:41:23,872 --> 00:41:25,570
AND USE IT AGAINST YOU
TO HUMILIATE YOU
983
00:41:25,613 --> 00:41:27,223
AT ALL INOPPORTUNE TIMES.
984
00:41:27,267 --> 00:41:29,225
"HONEY, CAN YOU PLEASE
PASS THE CEREAL?"
985
00:41:29,269 --> 00:41:34,535
"YEAH, WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO
AFTER THAT, PISS ON YOUR CHEST?"
986
00:41:34,579 --> 00:41:36,711
"THAT'S OKAY,
I'LL GET THE CEREAL MYSELF.
987
00:41:36,755 --> 00:41:40,236
"I'M CLOSER TO IT ANYWAY.
IT'S RIGHT OVER HERE.
988
00:41:40,280 --> 00:41:44,327
THERE IT IS. LOOKY THERE.
RIGHT THERE, RIGHT THERE."
989
00:41:44,371 --> 00:41:45,720
SEE, HERE'S THE THING, LADIES.
990
00:41:45,764 --> 00:41:46,808
YOU KNOW,
IN SOME VERY REAL WAY,
991
00:41:46,852 --> 00:41:49,332
YOU'VE SUPPLANTED MOMMY FOR US,
992
00:41:49,376 --> 00:41:53,641
AND THAT'S WHY WE LIE TO YOU
ABOUT STUPID SHIT.
993
00:41:53,685 --> 00:41:56,862
'CAUSE WE DON'T WANT
TO GET YELLED AT BY MOMMY.
994
00:41:56,905 --> 00:41:59,386
SO WE REVERT TO THAT LITTLE BOY
THING, YOU KNOW.
995
00:41:59,429 --> 00:42:02,389
"DID YOU FEED THE DOG
GARLIC FRIES?"
996
00:42:02,432 --> 00:42:05,044
"NO."
997
00:42:05,087 --> 00:42:08,569
"HE JUST TOOK A GARLIC DUMP
ON THE CARPET."
998
00:42:08,613 --> 00:42:10,876
"I DON'T KNOW.
999
00:42:10,919 --> 00:42:13,356
"MAYBE HE FIGURED OUT
HOW TO OPEN THE REFRIGERATOR.
1000
00:42:13,400 --> 00:42:14,749
I DON'T KNOW."
1001
00:42:14,793 --> 00:42:17,230
"DID YOU USE
MY ANTIPERSPIRANT?"
1002
00:42:17,273 --> 00:42:19,754
"NO."
1003
00:42:19,798 --> 00:42:24,019
"THERE'S ALL KINDS
OF LONG ARMPIT HAIRS ON THERE."
1004
00:42:24,063 --> 00:42:26,674
"I DON'T KNOW.
MAYBE YOUR HAIRBRUSH
1005
00:42:26,718 --> 00:42:29,242
AND THE WIND GOT TOGETHER."
1006
00:42:29,285 --> 00:42:32,767
"DID YOU CUT YOUR TOENAILS
IN BED?"
1007
00:42:32,811 --> 00:42:34,377
"NO."
1008
00:42:34,421 --> 00:42:38,860
"SOMETHING SHARP JUST POKED ME
IN THE ASS."
1009
00:42:38,904 --> 00:42:40,645
"I DON'T KNOW.
1010
00:42:40,688 --> 00:42:44,474
MAYBE THE BED BROKE A SPRING
OR SOMETHING."
1011
00:42:44,518 --> 00:42:48,217
"DID YOU TIVO
'HOT BOOTY MILFS'?"
1012
00:42:48,261 --> 00:42:51,133
"NO.
1013
00:42:51,177 --> 00:42:54,659
SOMETIMES THOSE MACHINES
JUST TURN THEMSELVES ON."
1014
00:42:54,702 --> 00:42:57,966
[laughter]
1015
00:42:58,010 --> 00:43:01,274
"DID YOU ORDER
A CHUCK NORRIS SWORD?"
1016
00:43:01,317 --> 00:43:04,494
"NO.
1017
00:43:04,538 --> 00:43:08,760
"IS IT HERE?
I MEAN...
1018
00:43:08,803 --> 00:43:11,545
"I MEAN, I'LL TAKE A LOOK AT IT
IF IT'S HERE.
1019
00:43:11,589 --> 00:43:14,069
"I MEAN, SOMEBODY WANTED IT.
1020
00:43:14,113 --> 00:43:19,727
"I MEAN, IF IT'S HERE,
I'LL LOOK AT IT, I MEAN...
1021
00:43:19,771 --> 00:43:22,251
IF IT'S HERE."
1022
00:43:22,295 --> 00:43:25,254
YOU WOMEN LIE TO US ABOUT STUPID
SHIT TOO, THOUGH, YOU KNOW.
1023
00:43:25,298 --> 00:43:27,648
"HEY, HOW MUCH
WAS THAT COACH PURSE?"
1024
00:43:27,692 --> 00:43:30,999
"I DON'T KNOW. $30?
1025
00:43:31,043 --> 00:43:33,436
"MAYBE IT WAS FREE.
1026
00:43:33,480 --> 00:43:37,223
MAYBE THEY PAID ME
TO TAKE IT OUT OF THE STORE."
1027
00:43:39,617 --> 00:43:41,749
"THAT SHOE SAYS
'CHRISTIAN LOUBOUTIN.'
1028
00:43:41,793 --> 00:43:44,317
WHERE'D YOU GET THAT?"
1029
00:43:44,360 --> 00:43:49,670
"I DON'T KNOW.
T.J. MAXX?
1030
00:43:49,714 --> 00:43:51,498
"MAYBE IT WAS IN THE CEREAL BOX.
1031
00:43:51,541 --> 00:43:53,979
I DON'T REMEMBER."
1032
00:43:54,022 --> 00:43:57,417
"DID YOU GET
A COLLAGEN LIP INJECTION?"
1033
00:43:57,460 --> 00:43:59,549
"NO."
1034
00:43:59,593 --> 00:44:01,203
"WHAT HAPPENED?"
1035
00:44:01,247 --> 00:44:03,553
"SOMEBODY PUNCHED ME
IN THE FACE."
1036
00:44:03,597 --> 00:44:08,297
[laughter]
1037
00:44:09,995 --> 00:44:13,041
"DID YOU PUT A VOODOO DOLL
IN THE FREEZER?"
1038
00:44:13,085 --> 00:44:14,782
"NO."
1039
00:44:14,826 --> 00:44:17,350
"IT'S GOT A PICTURE
OF MY MOM'S FACE ON IT
1040
00:44:17,393 --> 00:44:20,701
WITH NEEDLES IN ITS EYES."
1041
00:44:20,745 --> 00:44:24,487
"I DIDN'T DO IT,
BUT DON'T TOUCH IT.
1042
00:44:24,531 --> 00:44:28,143
WHOEVER DID IT OBVIOUSLY SPENT
A LOT OF TIME ON IT."
1043
00:44:28,187 --> 00:44:30,711
"OKAY, I GOT TO TAKE MY MOM
TO THE EYE DOCTOR NOW."
1044
00:44:33,540 --> 00:44:34,976
SO HERE'S THE THING, LADIES.
1045
00:44:35,020 --> 00:44:36,891
WE LIE TO YOU ABOUT STUPID SHIT,
1046
00:44:36,935 --> 00:44:42,244
BUT WE NEED YOU TO LIE TO US
ABOUT THE IMPORTANT SHIT.
1047
00:44:42,288 --> 00:44:43,681
'CAUSE WE'RE GUYS.
1048
00:44:43,724 --> 00:44:45,857
WE CAN'T TAKE IT.
1049
00:44:45,900 --> 00:44:48,511
WE HAVE VERY FRAGILE EGOS,
1050
00:44:48,555 --> 00:44:51,340
ESPECIALLY WHEN WE ASK
THOSE STUPID QUESTIONS.
1051
00:44:51,384 --> 00:44:53,734
PLEASE LIE TO US.
1052
00:44:53,778 --> 00:44:58,783
"SO HOW MANY, YOU KNOW,
1053
00:44:58,826 --> 00:45:03,962
"OTHER PEOPLE HAVE YOU,
YOU KNOW...
1054
00:45:04,005 --> 00:45:09,358
"BEFORE, YOU KNOW, DURING--
BEFORE ME, HAVE YOU SEXY TIME--
1055
00:45:09,402 --> 00:45:14,581
SEX, YOU KNOW,
OTHER SEX WITH OTHER?"
1056
00:45:14,624 --> 00:45:18,411
JUST LOOK US RIGHT IN THE EYE,
AND GO, "FOUR."
1057
00:45:18,454 --> 00:45:21,066
[laughter]
1058
00:45:21,109 --> 00:45:27,028
"SO HAVE YOU EVER TRIED,
YOU KNOW, A--
1059
00:45:27,072 --> 00:45:33,034
"A--ANAL...
1060
00:45:33,078 --> 00:45:35,210
ANAL SEX BEFORE?"
1061
00:45:35,254 --> 00:45:40,781
"EW, GROSS!
WHAT DO YOU THINK I AM, A WHORE?
1062
00:45:40,825 --> 00:45:46,526
"DISGUSTING, EW.
1063
00:45:46,569 --> 00:45:50,835
"I'LL TRY IT IF YOU REALLY
WANT ME TOO, BUT EW.
1064
00:45:50,878 --> 00:45:53,881
DISGUSTING.
GROSS."
1065
00:45:57,276 --> 00:46:01,062
THE MOST IMPORTANT QUESTION
OF ALL--
1066
00:46:01,106 --> 00:46:04,413
"SO...
1067
00:46:04,457 --> 00:46:06,589
"YOU KNOW, DO I,
YOU KNOW...
1068
00:46:06,633 --> 00:46:08,200
"PLEASE YOU?
I MEAN, IS MY,
1069
00:46:08,243 --> 00:46:10,637
"YOU KNOW, DO YOU LIKE MY,
1070
00:46:10,680 --> 00:46:14,946
"YOU KNOW, MY PENIS,
I MEAN, THE--
1071
00:46:14,989 --> 00:46:19,472
"DO YOU LIKE THE TOP PART
OF IT...THE GIRTH,
1072
00:46:19,515 --> 00:46:22,649
I MEAN, IS IT, AM I BIG--"
1073
00:46:22,692 --> 00:46:26,174
"OH, MY GOD.
YOU'RE HUGE!
1074
00:46:26,218 --> 00:46:28,524
"THE FIRST TIME I SAW
YOUR PENIS, I WAS LIKE,
1075
00:46:28,568 --> 00:46:32,702
'WHAT AM I GONNA DO
WITH ALL THAT?'"
1076
00:46:32,746 --> 00:46:36,706
[applause]
1077
00:46:36,750 --> 00:46:39,013
"THANK YOU, HONEY.
I KNOW YOU'RE LYING TO ME,
1078
00:46:39,057 --> 00:46:40,623
"BUT I COULDN'T TAKE THE TRUTH.
1079
00:46:40,667 --> 00:46:42,451
"I SWEAR TO GOD,
I'D HANG MYSELF IN THE GARAGE.
1080
00:46:42,495 --> 00:46:44,453
"THANK YOU FOR LYING.
I APPRECIATE IT.
1081
00:46:44,497 --> 00:46:47,761
I COULDN'T TAKE IT.
I COULDN'T TAKE IT."
1082
00:46:47,805 --> 00:46:49,154
WE'RE GUYS. WE'RE STUPID.
1083
00:46:49,197 --> 00:46:50,677
WE DON'T WANT TO KNOW
THE ANSWER,
1084
00:46:50,720 --> 00:46:52,461
BUT WE CAN'T HELP
BUT ASKING THE QUESTION.
1085
00:46:52,505 --> 00:46:53,811
IT'S--I STILL DO IT.
1086
00:46:53,854 --> 00:46:55,856
THE OTHER DAY, I BLURTED OUT,
"HONEY,
1087
00:46:55,900 --> 00:46:58,380
HOW MANY TIMES
DO YOU FAKE IT?"
1088
00:46:58,424 --> 00:47:00,730
SHE'S LIKE, "YOU MEAN,
LIKE, A PERCENTAGE?"
1089
00:47:00,774 --> 00:47:04,299
[laughter]
1090
00:47:04,343 --> 00:47:06,954
"YOU MEAN YOU HAVE A PERCENTAGE?
1091
00:47:06,998 --> 00:47:10,349
"THERE'S A NUMBER ON IT ALREADY?
1092
00:47:10,392 --> 00:47:14,788
WELL, WHAT IS IT?"
SHE GOES, "ABOUT 35%."
1093
00:47:14,832 --> 00:47:17,312
SHE GOES,
"AND THAT'S PRETTY GOOD."
1094
00:47:17,356 --> 00:47:18,836
"YOU FAKE IT MORE THAN ONE
OUT OF EVERY THREE TIMES,
1095
00:47:18,879 --> 00:47:19,924
AND THAT'S GOOD?
HOW IS THAT GOOD?"
1096
00:47:19,967 --> 00:47:21,316
SHE SAID, "DON'T WORRY.
1097
00:47:21,360 --> 00:47:24,754
YOU ALWAYS BELIEVE
MY FAKE ONES."
1098
00:47:24,798 --> 00:47:27,714
AND SHE'S RIGHT, WE DO.
'CAUSE WE'RE GUYS.
1099
00:47:27,757 --> 00:47:29,629
OUR EGOS WON'T ALLOW US
TO BELIEVE ANYTHING ELSE.
1100
00:47:29,672 --> 00:47:33,676
"OF COURSE SHE CAME.
HOW COULD SHE NOT?
1101
00:47:33,720 --> 00:47:38,812
"I WAS ON TOP OF HER
FOR ALMOST 45 SECONDS,
1102
00:47:38,856 --> 00:47:43,643
"AND THAT'S INCLUDING
THE TIMES I FELL OFF.
1103
00:47:43,686 --> 00:47:45,950
"SHE HAD TO COME.
I CAME.
1104
00:47:45,993 --> 00:47:50,041
"THAT'S PROOF RIGHT THERE.
1105
00:47:50,084 --> 00:47:51,694
"SOMETHING HAPPENED.
1106
00:47:51,738 --> 00:47:53,261
"I CAN'T FEEL ANYTHING
FROM MY NECK UP.
1107
00:47:53,305 --> 00:47:54,306
"I GOT TO GO TO BED.
I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE.
1108
00:47:54,349 --> 00:47:56,525
IT'S TOO MUCH PRESSURE."
1109
00:47:56,569 --> 00:47:58,963
THING IS, THOUGH, YOU KNOW,
GUYS' SEXUAL ENERGY,
1110
00:47:59,006 --> 00:48:00,834
SOMETIMES I CAN NEVER QUITE
GET A HANDLE ON IT.
1111
00:48:00,878 --> 00:48:02,923
WOMEN ARE ALWAYS AMAZED,
YOU KNOW, WITH GUYS.
1112
00:48:02,967 --> 00:48:05,273
IT'S LIKE,
"HOW CAN YOU BE AROUSED NOW?
1113
00:48:05,317 --> 00:48:08,146
WE'RE WATCHING 'BURIED ALIVE.'"
1114
00:48:08,189 --> 00:48:09,930
"I DON'T KNOW.
I JUST THOUGHT, YOU KNOW,
1115
00:48:09,974 --> 00:48:12,541
"MAYBE LATER WE COULD, YOU KNOW,
BURY SOMETHING ELSE.
1116
00:48:12,585 --> 00:48:14,500
"I WAS JUST THINKING,
GOT ME THINKING.
1117
00:48:14,543 --> 00:48:17,242
"GOT ME THINKING, YOU KNOW
WHAT I'M SAYING, YOU KNOW?
1118
00:48:17,285 --> 00:48:20,723
THINKING, YOU KNOW,
GOT ME THINKING."
1119
00:48:20,767 --> 00:48:23,074
FOR WOMEN, EVERYTHING HAS TO BE
IN THE RIGHT PLACE.
1120
00:48:23,117 --> 00:48:25,903
ALL THE HAIR HAS TO BE GONE,
OR ALL IN RIGHT DIRECTION,
1121
00:48:25,946 --> 00:48:27,513
RIGHT ENERGY, YOU KNOW.
1122
00:48:27,556 --> 00:48:29,602
THINGS CAN THROW WOMEN OFF
EASILY, YOU KNOW.
1123
00:48:29,645 --> 00:48:32,126
LIKE, AN UNMADE BED WILL THROW A
WOMAN OFF HER ENTIRE AFTERNOON.
1124
00:48:32,170 --> 00:48:34,781
AN UNMADE BED REPRESENTS CHAOS.
1125
00:48:34,824 --> 00:48:37,088
IT'S DISORIENTATING.
IT'S DISTRACTING FOR A WOMAN.
1126
00:48:37,131 --> 00:48:39,568
A WOMAN--A WOMAN CAN'T EVEN WALK
BY A ROOM WITH AN UNMADE BED
1127
00:48:39,612 --> 00:48:41,527
WITHOUT LIKE...
1128
00:48:41,570 --> 00:48:43,311
"WHAT IS THAT?
1129
00:48:43,355 --> 00:48:45,009
HOW CAN ANYBODY WALK BY THAT?"
1130
00:48:45,052 --> 00:48:50,536
"WATCH ME, HONEY.
CHECK IT OUT.
1131
00:48:50,579 --> 00:48:52,016
"LOOK, I'LL STARE
RIGHT FUCKING AT IT.
1132
00:48:52,059 --> 00:48:53,408
"DOES NOTHING TO ME.
DOESN'T CHANGE MY MOOD,
1133
00:48:53,452 --> 00:48:54,496
MY DEMEANOR WHATSOEVER."
1134
00:48:54,540 --> 00:48:55,976
SEE, AN UNMADE BED TO US GUYS
1135
00:48:56,020 --> 00:48:58,152
IS PURELY
A LOGIC AND LABOR ISSUE.
1136
00:48:58,196 --> 00:49:00,154
IT'S LIKE, WHY DO WE
BOTHER MAKING THIS THING
1137
00:49:00,198 --> 00:49:02,504
WHEN YOU AND I BOTH KNOW
IN 18 HOURS
1138
00:49:02,548 --> 00:49:04,463
WE'RE JUST GETTING
BACK IN IT ANYWAY.
1139
00:49:04,506 --> 00:49:06,160
LET'S ELIMINATE
THIS WHOLE MANUAL LABOR.
1140
00:49:06,204 --> 00:49:09,120
[laughter]
1141
00:49:15,343 --> 00:49:16,954
THAT'S WHY, WHEN YOU DO GET BACK
IN IT 18 HOURS LATER,
1142
00:49:16,997 --> 00:49:18,303
YOU SPEND
THE FIRST HOUR AND A HALF
1143
00:49:18,346 --> 00:49:20,174
KICKING THE SHEET OUT
WITH YOUR FOOT.
1144
00:49:20,218 --> 00:49:23,308
"GOD DAMN IT, HONEY, MY FOOT'S
STUCK IN THE SHEET NOOSE.
1145
00:49:23,351 --> 00:49:25,614
[grunts]
1146
00:49:25,658 --> 00:49:27,225
'CAUSE WE'RE GUYS.
WE WANT TO GO TO BED,
1147
00:49:27,268 --> 00:49:28,574
WE GO TO BED,
WANT TO GO TO SLEEP,
1148
00:49:28,617 --> 00:49:29,923
WE GO TO SLEEP,
BUT IF WE'RE IN BED
1149
00:49:29,967 --> 00:49:32,230
AND WE'RE AWAKE,
WE WANT SOMETHING.
1150
00:49:32,273 --> 00:49:34,058
WOMEN KNOW THIS INTRINSICALLY.
1151
00:49:34,101 --> 00:49:35,798
THAT'S WHY WOMEN TRY TO SNEAK
IN BED LATE AT NIGHT.
1152
00:49:35,842 --> 00:49:37,583
IT'S LIKE, "OKAY, SHH.
1153
00:49:37,626 --> 00:49:40,890
"JUST GONNA OPEN UP THE SHEET
JUST A LITTLE BIT.
1154
00:49:40,934 --> 00:49:42,631
"OKAY, I'M JUST GONNA
PUT IN ONE TOE.
1155
00:49:42,675 --> 00:49:44,198
"JUST ONE TOE.
1156
00:49:44,242 --> 00:49:45,286
"JUST HALF A CHEEK,
HALF A CHEEK.
1157
00:49:45,330 --> 00:49:47,245
"SHH, SHH, I'M ALMOST IN.
1158
00:49:47,288 --> 00:49:48,811
"I'M ALMOST IN.
SHH. SHH.
1159
00:49:48,855 --> 00:49:50,204
"OKAY, ALMOST IN. SHH.
1160
00:49:50,248 --> 00:49:53,903
"OH, YOU'RE UP.
1161
00:49:53,947 --> 00:49:56,732
"WELL, I'M GONNA GO DO LAUNDRY
FOR TWO HOURS.
1162
00:49:56,776 --> 00:49:58,386
"IS IT 1:00 IN THE MORNING?
1163
00:49:58,430 --> 00:49:59,474
"I'M GONNA REARRANGE
THE LIVING ROOM FURNITURE.
1164
00:49:59,518 --> 00:50:01,085
"THIS SHOULD GO OVER HERE.
1165
00:50:01,128 --> 00:50:04,044
THIS LAMP DOESN'T
NEED TO BE HERE."
1166
00:50:04,088 --> 00:50:05,306
WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL, LADIES?
1167
00:50:05,350 --> 00:50:07,439
COME ON, WE'RE BOTH HORIZONTAL.
1168
00:50:07,482 --> 00:50:09,006
WE DON'T HAVE
AN EXCESSIVE AMOUNT OF CLOTHING
1169
00:50:09,049 --> 00:50:10,790
AT THIS PART OF THE EVENING.
1170
00:50:10,833 --> 00:50:12,357
WOULDN'T TAKE THAT MUCH ENERGY,
1171
00:50:12,400 --> 00:50:15,838
JUST ONE OF US TO LEAN ONE WAY
OR THE OTHER.
1172
00:50:15,882 --> 00:50:18,711
TRUST US, IT'S NOT GONNA TAKE
THAT LONG.
1173
00:50:18,754 --> 00:50:21,105
"NO.
WHY?
1174
00:50:21,148 --> 00:50:23,194
"BECAUSE I'M TIRED.
1175
00:50:23,237 --> 00:50:27,676
IF YOU WANTED TO,
YOU COULD'VE DONE IT EARLIER."
1176
00:50:27,720 --> 00:50:31,071
"EARLIER?
WHEN, IN THE AFTERNOON?
1177
00:50:31,115 --> 00:50:33,465
SO I'D HAVE TO MAKE
THE BED ANOTHER FUCKING TIME."
1178
00:50:33,508 --> 00:50:36,424
[laughter]
1179
00:50:43,475 --> 00:50:45,259
NEXT TIME SHE SAYS THAT, GUYS,
TAKE HER UP ON IT.
1180
00:50:45,303 --> 00:50:46,956
COME HOME IN THE AFTERNOON,
BUT YOU DON'T HAVE TO MAKE
1181
00:50:47,000 --> 00:50:48,088
THE BED AGAIN IF YOU DO IT
IN THE LIVING ROOM.
1182
00:50:48,132 --> 00:50:49,959
HA, HA!
1183
00:50:50,003 --> 00:50:55,661
ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS THIS
TO THE COUCH.
1184
00:50:55,704 --> 00:51:00,622
AND MAYBE THIS.
1185
00:51:10,893 --> 00:51:14,680
"I CLEANED IT UP, HONEY!
1186
00:51:14,723 --> 00:51:17,987
JUST LIKE YOU TOLD ME TO."
1187
00:51:18,031 --> 00:51:20,294
COMMUNICATION IS EVERYTHING
TO A WOMAN,
1188
00:51:20,338 --> 00:51:22,166
BECAUSE WOMEN
ARE MORE VULNERABLE.
1189
00:51:22,209 --> 00:51:24,733
WOMEN WANT YOU TO EXPERIENCE
WHAT THEY EXPERIENCE,
1190
00:51:24,777 --> 00:51:26,474
TO FEEL WHAT THEY FEEL.
1191
00:51:26,518 --> 00:51:28,128
THAT'S WHY WOMEN
WANT TO TELL YOU WHAT HAPPENED
1192
00:51:28,172 --> 00:51:30,087
TO THEM DURING THE DAY.
1193
00:51:30,130 --> 00:51:32,132
NOTHING THAT HAPPENS TO A WOMAN
DURING THE DAY IS INSIGNIFICANT.
1194
00:51:32,176 --> 00:51:33,525
EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENS
TO A WOMAN DURING THE DAY
1195
00:51:33,568 --> 00:51:34,830
IS AN EQUAL OPPORTUNITY EVENT,
1196
00:51:34,874 --> 00:51:37,137
WHICH MUST BE RETOLD
IN GREAT DETAIL.
1197
00:51:37,181 --> 00:51:38,791
WHEN A WOMAN TELLS YOU
ABOUT HER DAY,
1198
00:51:38,834 --> 00:51:40,184
IT ACTUALLY TAKES LONGER
TO TELL YOU ABOUT THE DAY
1199
00:51:40,227 --> 00:51:45,189
THAN THE FUCKING DAY
TOOK ORIGINALLY.
1200
00:51:45,232 --> 00:51:47,016
THE MOST DANGEROUS QUESTION
YOU CAN EVER ASK,
1201
00:51:47,060 --> 00:51:48,409
"OH, HOW WAS YOUR DAY, HONEY?"
1202
00:51:48,453 --> 00:51:50,846
"HOW WAS MY DAY?
HANG ON."
1203
00:51:50,890 --> 00:51:56,287
[laughter]
1204
00:51:56,330 --> 00:51:58,027
"ANYWAY, CAROL COME OVER.
SHE JUST SHOWS UP.
1205
00:51:58,071 --> 00:51:59,681
"SHE'S ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE.
SHE DOESN'T CALL.
1206
00:51:59,725 --> 00:52:01,422
"SHE DOESN'T TEXT.
SHE JUST SHOWS UP, YOU KNOW?
1207
00:52:01,466 --> 00:52:03,163
"ANYWAY, YOU KNOW, SHE'S JUST
TALKING ABOUT HERSELF,
1208
00:52:03,207 --> 00:52:04,773
"'CAUSE SHE'S DEPRESSED,
"AND SHE'S DIVORCED,
1209
00:52:04,817 --> 00:52:06,166
AND SHE'S DIVORCED,
"AND SHE'S DEPRESSED.
1210
00:52:06,210 --> 00:52:07,733
"AND OF COURSE
SHE CAN'T SEE THAT,
1211
00:52:07,776 --> 00:52:09,169
"BECAUSE THAT WOULD TAKE
SOME INTROSPECTION ON HER PART,
1212
00:52:09,213 --> 00:52:10,518
"AND SHE'S INCAPABLE
OF DOING THAT.
1213
00:52:10,562 --> 00:52:12,085
"ANYWAY, OF COURSE,
SHE NEVER ASKED ME
1214
00:52:12,129 --> 00:52:13,652
"ANY QUESTIONS ABOUT MYSELF,
'CAUSE WHY--
1215
00:52:13,695 --> 00:52:15,175
THAT WOULD--CARE ABOUT SOMETHING
"OUTSIDE OF HERSELF.
1216
00:52:15,219 --> 00:52:16,872
"SHE'S INCAPABLE OF DOING THAT,
BUT ANYWAY.
1217
00:52:16,916 --> 00:52:18,526
"SO SHE'S TALKING, YOU KNOW,
AND SHE STARTS CRYING,
1218
00:52:18,570 --> 00:52:20,093
"IT'S NOT ONE OF THE CRYING
THAT YOU CARE ABOUT.
1219
00:52:20,137 --> 00:52:21,486
"IT'S NOT ONE OF THOSE CRYING
LIKE [whimpers]
1220
00:52:21,529 --> 00:52:22,835
"YOU KNOW, WHERE YOU FEEL
SORRY FOR HER.
1221
00:52:22,878 --> 00:52:24,228
"IT'S ALWAYS
ONE OF THESE CRYINGS
1222
00:52:24,271 --> 00:52:26,055
"WHERE THEY JUST LOSE IT,
LIKE, [moans].
1223
00:52:26,099 --> 00:52:27,187
"IT'S LIKE, GET HER OUT OF HERE,
YOU KNOW, IT'S ANNOYING.
1224
00:52:27,231 --> 00:52:28,841
"ANYWAY, AND SO SHE'S TALKING,
1225
00:52:28,884 --> 00:52:30,190
"AND I GOT TO PICK UP
THE DRY CLEANING, YOU KNOW.
1226
00:52:30,234 --> 00:52:32,018
"I GOT TO GO PICK UP THE KIDS,
RIGHT?
1227
00:52:32,061 --> 00:52:33,889
"AND I GOT TO GET UP, YOU KNOW.
MY MOTHER'S WAITING FOR ME.
1228
00:52:33,933 --> 00:52:35,761
"AND SHE'S TALKING, TALKING,
AND FINALLY, I GOT THE CAR KEYS,
1229
00:52:35,804 --> 00:52:37,458
"GOING, 'HELLO, CAROL, OTHER
HUMAN BEINGS ON THE PLANET,
1230
00:52:37,502 --> 00:52:39,025
"'HELLO, HELLO,' AND FINALLY,
I'M IN THE CAR,
1231
00:52:39,068 --> 00:52:41,201
"I'M DRIVING AWAY,
HER UTERUS FALLS OUT.
1232
00:52:41,245 --> 00:52:43,029
"I'M EMBARRASSED.
SHE'S EMBARRASSED.
1233
00:52:43,072 --> 00:52:46,119
HER UTERUS IS EMBARRASSED."
1234
00:52:46,163 --> 00:52:49,514
GUYS DON'T QUITE KNOW WHAT TO DO
WITH ALL THIS INFORMATION.
1235
00:52:52,169 --> 00:52:57,435
DO I NEED TO REMEMBER ANY
OF THIS BULLSHIT FOR LATER?
1236
00:52:57,478 --> 00:53:00,829
CAN ANY OF THIS COME BACK
AND BITE ME IN THE BALLS?
1237
00:53:00,873 --> 00:53:02,744
AFTER A WHILE,
GUYS GET PRETTY GOOD.
1238
00:53:02,788 --> 00:53:04,093
THEY CAN PRETEND
THEY'RE INTERESTED
1239
00:53:04,137 --> 00:53:05,704
IN WHAT
THEIR WIFE'S SAYING.
1240
00:53:05,747 --> 00:53:06,835
EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE,
THEY CAN THROW IN ONE OF THESE.
1241
00:53:06,879 --> 00:53:12,232
"NO!
SHE DID NOT.
1242
00:53:12,276 --> 00:53:14,408
THAT BITCH."
1243
00:53:14,452 --> 00:53:16,932
YOU CAN USUALLY SNEAK
OUT OF THE ROOM AFTER THIS.
1244
00:53:16,976 --> 00:53:19,587
"YOU ARE SUCH A GOOD FRIEND
TO HER."
1245
00:53:27,029 --> 00:53:28,335
BUT GUYS FRUSTRATE WOMEN.
1246
00:53:28,379 --> 00:53:30,250
WE DO, BECAUSE GUYS
COMPARTMENTALIZE.
1247
00:53:30,294 --> 00:53:32,165
GUYS BREAK UP THEIR LIVES
IN DIFFERENT SEGMENTS.
1248
00:53:32,209 --> 00:53:33,732
WOMEN HATE THAT
BECAUSE THEY FEEL EXCLUDED.
1249
00:53:33,775 --> 00:53:35,299
WOMEN DON'T WANT TO FEEL
EXCLUDED, YOU KNOW.
1250
00:53:35,342 --> 00:53:36,996
GUYS PUT THEIR FRIENDS HERE
AND THEIR WORK HERE
1251
00:53:37,039 --> 00:53:38,650
AND THEIR FAMILY HERE,
THEIR MOM HERE,
1252
00:53:38,693 --> 00:53:39,694
THEIR KIDS HERE,
AND THEIR WIFE HERE.
1253
00:53:39,738 --> 00:53:41,522
WOMEN HATE THAT.
1254
00:53:41,566 --> 00:53:43,829
THAT'S WHY WOMEN HATE FOR US
TO HAVE FUN WITHOUT THEM.
1255
00:53:43,872 --> 00:53:47,876
"IS THAT FUN?
WHY CAN'T I GO?
1256
00:53:47,920 --> 00:53:50,270
"I LIKE TO HAVE FUN.
1257
00:53:50,314 --> 00:53:53,273
"IF IT'S SO FUN,
BRING ME.
1258
00:53:53,317 --> 00:53:56,276
WHAT'S WRONG
WITH A LITTLE FUN WITH ME?"
1259
00:53:56,320 --> 00:53:58,235
GOD FORBID YOU EVER HAVE FUN
WITHOUT YOUR WOMAN AROUND.
1260
00:53:58,278 --> 00:54:00,759
YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO PLAY IT
WAY THE FUCK DOWN.
1261
00:54:00,802 --> 00:54:05,198
"SO HOW WAS
THE BACHELOR PARTY?"
1262
00:54:05,242 --> 00:54:08,897
"FUCKING SUCKED.
1263
00:54:08,941 --> 00:54:14,773
"I WAS BORED TO TEARS
WITH ALL THOSE...TITS.
1264
00:54:14,816 --> 00:54:19,038
"COULDN'T WAIT TO GET AWAY
FROM THOSE...TITS.
1265
00:54:19,081 --> 00:54:20,344
"I WAS DYING
TO COME HOME TO YOU
1266
00:54:20,387 --> 00:54:25,871
"TO HEAR HOW YOUR DAY WAS.
1267
00:54:25,914 --> 00:54:29,440
LET ME GET THESE SPARKLES
OFF ME."
1268
00:54:29,483 --> 00:54:35,402
[laughter]
1269
00:54:38,231 --> 00:54:41,408
[grunts]
1270
00:54:46,152 --> 00:54:47,893
OF THE HUNTER-GATHERERS,
YOU LADIES ARE THE GATHERERS.
1271
00:54:47,936 --> 00:54:49,286
WOMEN ARE MULTITASKERS.
1272
00:54:49,329 --> 00:54:50,765
WOMEN ARE CAPABLE
OF DOING TWO, THREE,
1273
00:54:50,809 --> 00:54:52,376
SOMETIMES FIVE THINGS
ALL AT THE SAME TIME,
1274
00:54:52,419 --> 00:54:56,075
BUT YET INCAPABLE
OF JUST DOING ONE THING.
1275
00:54:56,118 --> 00:54:57,685
WOMEN NEED TWO OR THREE
TO FEEL IN THEIR GROOVE.
1276
00:54:57,729 --> 00:54:59,296
NOW, MULTITASKING
IS JUST A NICER WAY
1277
00:54:59,339 --> 00:55:01,385
OF SAYING "SCHIZOPHRENIC."
1278
00:55:01,428 --> 00:55:03,256
GUYS ARE SINGLE-TASKERS,
SINGLE-FOCUSED BEINGS.
1279
00:55:03,300 --> 00:55:04,953
WE DO ONE THING,
PRETTY GOOD AT THE ONE THING,
1280
00:55:04,997 --> 00:55:07,260
BUT ONLY ONE THING,
WHICH FRUSTRATES WOMEN
1281
00:55:07,304 --> 00:55:08,740
TO NO END BECAUSE WOMEN
CAN DO SO MANY THINGS.
1282
00:55:08,783 --> 00:55:10,263
YOU KNOW, WOMEN LOSE IT ON US
ALL THE TIME,
1283
00:55:10,307 --> 00:55:11,569
WHERE IT'S LIKE,
"DID YOU NOT HEAR THE KIDS
1284
00:55:11,612 --> 00:55:13,092
"DOWN HERE FIGHTING
AND BREAKING SHIT?
1285
00:55:13,135 --> 00:55:15,224
COULD YOU NOT
HEAR ANY OF THAT?"
1286
00:55:15,268 --> 00:55:16,574
"I DIDN'T HEAR ANYTHING.
I'M MAKING A FUCKING SANDWICH.
1287
00:55:16,617 --> 00:55:20,795
"WHAT HAPPENED?
1288
00:55:20,839 --> 00:55:23,972
"WE HAVE KIDS?
WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN?
1289
00:55:24,016 --> 00:55:25,974
THIS IS SHIT
I NEED TO KNOW."
1290
00:55:29,456 --> 00:55:32,459
YEAH, WOMEN CAN'T TURN IT OFF,
AND I'LL LEAVE YOU WITH THIS.
1291
00:55:32,503 --> 00:55:34,200
EVEN DURING SEX,
WOMEN ARE STILL THINKING
1292
00:55:34,243 --> 00:55:37,682
ABOUT ALL KINDS
OF OTHER THINGS.
1293
00:55:37,725 --> 00:55:42,991
GUYS, IF YOU'RE JUST LEARNING
ABOUT THIS NOW, I'M SORRY.
1294
00:55:43,035 --> 00:55:45,907
I KNOW IT'S A BIG BLOW
TO OUR EGOS.
1295
00:55:45,951 --> 00:55:49,041
NO MATTER HOW WELL WE THINK
WE'RE PERFORMING,
1296
00:55:49,084 --> 00:55:53,524
WITH THAT ONE ARM UP THERE,
SUCKING IN YOUR GUT.
1297
00:55:53,567 --> 00:55:55,047
OOH.
1298
00:55:55,090 --> 00:55:58,442
WITH THAT SEXY LOOK
ON YOUR FACE...
1299
00:56:12,020 --> 00:56:13,282
DOESN'T MATTER.
1300
00:56:13,326 --> 00:56:15,546
IN HER HEAD,
SHE'S THINKING...
1301
00:56:26,513 --> 00:56:29,734
"WHAT AM I GOING TO WEAR
TO THAT BABY SHOWER?
1302
00:56:36,088 --> 00:56:40,919
"I'M THIRSTY.
1303
00:56:40,962 --> 00:56:45,358
"WHAT DID I EAT TONIGHT?
I FEEL GASSY.
1304
00:56:45,402 --> 00:56:48,448
"HE BETTER FINISH SOON...
1305
00:56:50,102 --> 00:56:54,236
"OR I MIGHT HAVE
TO FAKE ONE.
1306
00:56:56,630 --> 00:57:01,374
"DID HE LOCK
THE FRONT DOOR?
1307
00:57:01,418 --> 00:57:03,028
"HE'S NOT COMPLAINING
1308
00:57:03,071 --> 00:57:07,815
ABOUT THOSE CHRISTIAN LOUBOUTIN
SHOES NOW, IS HE?"
1309
00:57:07,859 --> 00:57:08,903
THAT'S WHY
IT'S IMPORTANT, GUYS,
1310
00:57:08,947 --> 00:57:10,427
ALWAYS REMEMBER,
DURING SEX,
1311
00:57:10,470 --> 00:57:11,428
ALWAYS GIVE A LITTLE SLAP
ON THE ASS, LIKE,
1312
00:57:11,471 --> 00:57:13,255
"HEY!
1313
00:57:13,299 --> 00:57:15,867
"FOCUS!
1314
00:57:15,910 --> 00:57:20,262
"I'M INSIDE YOU
RIGHT NOW!
1315
00:57:20,306 --> 00:57:23,396
TAKE CARE
OF THAT OTHER SHIT LATER!"
1316
00:57:23,440 --> 00:57:24,441
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
95008
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