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Downloaded from YTS.MX

[upbeat music]

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX

[cheering]

[cheers and applause]

- LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, ROB SCHNEIDER.

[cheers and applause]

- THANK YOU, SAN JOSE, CALIFORNIA.

BOY, YOU'VE GOT SOME TRAFFIC OUT HERE.

HOLY SHIT, YOU GOT TRAFFIC. L.A.'S GOT NOTHING ON YOU GUYS.

I'M TELLING YOU, MAN.

YOU KNOW IT'S BAD TRAFFIC

WHEN I'M GETTING RECOGNIZED IN TRAFFIC.

"DUDE, WHAT'S UP?"

I DON'T CARE HOW LONG YOU'VE BEEN FAMOUS, IT'S STILL WEIRD.

YOU KNOW, IT'S WEIRD GETTING RECOGNIZED,

SOMETIMES MORE FUN THAN OTHER TIMES.

I LIKE IT WHEN OLDER, BLACK WOMEN RECOGNIZE ME

'CAUSE OLDER BLACK WOMEN MAKE YOU PROVE WHO YOU ARE.

"TELL ME WHY I KNOW YOU."

[laughter]

"DON'T YOU WALK AWAY FROM ME. YOU TELL ME WHY I KNOW YOU."

"I DON'T KNOW. I'M AN ACTOR, ROB SCHNEIDER."

"YOU AIN'T NO ROB SNYDER."

[laughter]

"ROB SNYDER AIN'T NO MIDGET, BABY. MM-MM."

[laughter]

"CHECK OUT THIS DWARF-LOOKING MOTHERFUCKER

"SAYING HE'S ROB SNYDER.

MM-MM, BABY, MM-MM."

SOMETIMES PEOPLE SEE ME AND EXPECT ME

TO PERFORM LIKE I'M SOME KIND OF TRAINED SEAL

OR SOMETHING, I DON'T KNOW.

"WHY DON'T YOU DO A SCENE FROM ONE OF YOUR MOVIES?"

"WHAT?"

"YOU KNOW, LIKE THAT 'SOMETHING ABOUT MARY' MOVIE."

"FIRST OF ALL, I WASN'T EVEN IN THAT MOVIE.

"I DON'T GIVE A FUCK. YOU KNOW THAT MOVIE. COME ON.

YOU A ACTOR, AIN'T YOU?"

[laughter]

SEE, HERE'S THE WEIRD THING ABOUT BEING FAMOUS.

YOU KNOW, I'M USUALLY A NICE GUY. I'LL SAY HI.

I'LL TAKE A PICTURE WITH PEOPLE. I'LL SIGN AN AUTOGRAPH.

BUT LET'S SAY I HAVE A BAD MOMENT.

IT'S POSSIBLE, RIGHT? YOU KNOW?

THAT'LL PROBABLY BE THE ONLY INTERACTION I HAVE

WITH THAT PARTICULAR PERSON

THEIR ENTIRE LIFE, MY ENTIRE LIFE.

NO MATTER WHAT MOVIE, TV SHOW I EVER MAKE,

ALL THEY'RE GONNA REMEMBER IS, LIKE, "HEY, THERE'S THAT ASSHOLE

THAT KICKED MY CHILD IN THE FACE," YOU KNOW?

[laughter]

[imitates thud]

[laughter]

PEOPLE HAVE NO PROBLEM COMING UP TO ME AND SAYING, LIKE,

"HEY, YOU LOOK SHORT IN PERSON."

"THANK YOU."

"NO, BUT IN A WEIRD, UNHEALTHY WAY,

"LIKE SOMETHING'S WRONG WITH YOU.

"CAN YOU DRIVE A NORMAL CAR?

"DO BOTH YOUR KIDNEYS WORK?

"WHEN YOU GO TO A SPORTING EVENT,

"DOES SOMEBODY HAVE TO PICK YOU UP TO USE THE URINAL?

DO YOU LIVE AS LONG AS A TORTOISE?"

YOU KNOW, I GET ALL THAT SHIT.

ONE THING THAT SUCKS ABOUT BEING SHORT, YOU KNOW,

YOU GO SOMEWHERE,

AND A GIRL WANTS TO TAKE A PICTURE WITH YOU.

SHE PUTS HER ARM AROUND YOU, AND SHE WALKS AWAY, YOU GOT

THAT WHITE ANTIPERSPIRANT STAIN RIGHT THERE.

WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?

SHE GOT ME OVER HERE TOO!

THAT'S A HUGE BITCH. YOU KNOW.

ANYWAY, IT'S NICE TO BE UP HERE, I TELL YOU.

WHEW! I'M TIRED THOUGH, MAN.

IN MY 40s NOW. OH!

GOT TO PACE YOURSELF IN YOUR 40s, YOU KNOW?

PEOPLE IN THEIR 20s, YOU KNOW, THEY GET COCKY, YOU KNOW?

PEOPLE IN THEIR 20s ARE LIKE, "IN MY 20s. I CAN PARTY.

"IN MY 20s. PARTIED LAST NIGHT. I'LL PARTY AGAIN TONIGHT.

"I'LL GO STRAIGHT TO WORK. I DON'T GIVE A FUCK.

"PARTY. 20s.

20s. PARTY."

PEOPLE IN THEIR 30s ARE LIKE, "I CAN PARTY AGAIN TOMORROW,

BUT I CHOOSE NOT TO."

[laughter]

PEOPLE IN THEIR 40s, "IF I PARTY AGAIN TOMORROW,

"I WILL FUCKING DIE.

"I HAD THREE GLASSES OF WINE.

"I CAN'T GO TO WORK THIS WEEK. I CAN'T.

"I FUCKED UP LAST NIGHT.

"I STAYED UP, AND I WATCHED THE NEWS.

"I CAN'T FEEL MY FACE!

"I CAN ONLY COMMUNICATE THROUGH BLINKING

AND HAND GESTURES AT THIS POINT."

PEOPLE IN THEIR 40s ARE ALWAYS PUTTING ON THEIR SWEATPANTS

WITH NO INTENTION AT ALL OF WORKING OUT.

"WANT TO GO OUT, HONEY?

"YEAH, LET ME PUT ON MY SWEATPANTS.

"THEN I'LL BE ABLE TO GO OUT, MAYBE.

"GO TO A RESTAURANT, SIT DOWN WITHOUT RUPTURING A TESTICLE.

SEE A MOVIE, CROSS MY LEGS. MIX IT UP."

PEOPLE IN THEIR 40s, YOU KNOW--IN YOUR 20s,

YOU GO TO THE PHARMACY, IT'S LIKE,

"YEAH, LET ME GET SOME CONDOMS, LIQUOR, CANDY."

PEOPLE IN THEIR 40s, METAMUCIL,

CHEATER GLASSES,

FLOMAX...

AND CANDY. I STILL LIKE CANDY.

IN YOUR 40s, PEOPLE SAY THIS TO YOU, "HEY, YOU LOOK...GOOD."

IS THAT A LITTLE PAUSE?

'CAUSE BASICALLY THEY'RE SAYING, "HEY, YOU LOOK...

"KIND OF FUCKED UP.

"YOU LOOK LIKE A FUCKED UP VERSION

"OF WHAT YOU USED TO LOOK LIKE,

"BUT FOR A FUCKED UP VERSION OF WHAT YOU USED TO LOOK LIKE,

YOU LOOK GOOD."

PEOPLE IN THEIR 40s AREN'T SHY OR EMBARRASSED AT ALL

ABOUT BUYING SUPPLIES FOR THEIR ASSHOLE.

"I NEED SOMETHING FOR MY ASSHOLE.

"IT'S ON FIRE.

"YEAH, MY ASSHOLE. I NEED SOMETHING FOR MY ASSHOLE.

"IT'S KILLING ME. NO, I'M SERIOUS.

"I DROP MY PANTS, I LOOK LIKE I GOT A BABOON'S ASS.

"HONEY, I'M GETTING SOMETHING FOR MY ASSHOLE.

"IT'S KILLING ME.

"AISLE 12? OKAY, AISLE 12. THANK YOU.

EXCUSE ME, GETTING SOMETHING FOR MY ASSHOLE."

[laughter]

YOU GET EASILY INJURED TOO IN YOUR 40s.

YOU KNOW, YOU BECOME FRAGILE.

ANYTHING CAN MESS YOU UP, AND IT'S LIKE,

"GOD DAMN IT, HONEY, DID YOU USE MY PILLOW LAST NIGHT?

"I'M FUCKED UP NOW. LOOK AT ME.

"THAT'S MY PILLOW ON MY SIDE OF THE BED.

"THAT'S WHY IT'S ON MY SIDE OF THE BED.

"I'M GONNA BE LIKE THIS FOR THREE DAYS NOW.

"AND WHERE'S MY ASS PILLOW?

"THE PILLOW FOR MY ASS?

"NOW MY HIPS ARE OUT. MY NECK'S OUT, MY HIPS ARE OUT.

"I'M GONNA BE LIKE THIS FOR THE NEXT...

FUCKED UP. I'M IN MY 40s."

PEOPLE IN THEIR 20s, THEY HEAR...

[beatboxing]

"HEY, MAN, WE GOT TO GET IN THERE, MAN."

[beatboxing]

"DO YOU KNOW ANYBODY AT THE DOOR?"

[beatboxing]

"HEY, MAN, LOOK AT THOSE CHICKS IN LINE."

[beatboxing]

PEOPLE IN THEIR 40s HEAR...

[beatboxing]

"TURN THAT SHIT DOWN!"

[laughter]

"I'M TRYING TO PUT ON MY SWEATPANTS!"

[laughter]

I KNOW I'M IN MY 40s NOW,

BECAUSE WHEN I JERK OFF STANDING UP,

I GET WINDED.

[laughter]

I DON'T REMEMBER THAT IN MY 20s OR 30s.

I GOT TO FINISH THE REST OF THIS ONE SITTING DOWN, I THINK.

[laughter]

"THIS IS TAKING MORE ENERGY THAN I'VE ALLOCATED FOR.

"LET'S JUST CALL THIS ONE A DRAW, BUDDY.

"WHAT DO YOU SAY, HUH? COME ON.

"YOU DID YOUR BEST. I DID MY BEST.

LET'S WALK AWAY WITH ONE OF OUR HEADS HELD HIGH."

[laughter]

THAT'S JUST THE WAY I WALK.

I HAVE A REASON TO BE TIRED NOW.

MY WIFE JUST HAD A BABY LAST MONTH,

AND THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

[cheers and applause]

SHE'S YOUNGER THAN ME.

YOU KNOW, SHE--YOU KNOW,

SHE STILL WANTS TO DO THINGS, YOU KNOW.

HAVE FRIENDS, YOU KNOW.

LEAVE THE HOUSE, YOU KNOW.

LEARN HOW TO READ, ALL THIS DUMB SHIT,

YOU KNOW, AND IT'S LIKE, YOU KNOW,

SHE'S GONNA BE 30 IN ABOUT 10 YEARS,

SO I'M REALLY HAPPY ABOUT THAT.

NO, I'M JUST KIDDING.

I MEAN, IT'S AMAZING.

MAYBE IT'S JUST 'CAUSE I'M OLDER,

BUT THE AMAZING THING ABOUT 'EM, YOU KNOW,

MAKING A HUMAN BEING, MAKING A BABY.

ANOTHER HUMAN BEING, IT'S JUST AMAZING, YOU KNOW? HUH?

ALL I HAD TO DO WAS COME IN HER, YOU KNOW?

I MEAN--NO, NO, NO, IT WAS MORE THAN THAT. I'M SORRY.

NO. I ALSO, YOU KNOW, I HAD TO CHOKE HER A LITTLE BIT,

I'LL BE HONEST, YOU KNOW.

AH, NO, NOT TILL SHE PASSED OUT,

JUST TILL SHE GOT LITTLE WOOZY.

YOU KNOW, HAVE SOME FUN. LET'S MIX IT UP.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

LET'S MIX IT UP, YOU KNOW.

HAVE SOME FUN, YOU KNOW, BUT, UM...

IT'S AMAZING. MY WIFE, SHE'S MEXICAN, YOU KNOW.

HER NAME'S-- HER NAME'S "PA-TREE-SEE-A."

I THINK THAT'S HOW YOU PRONOUNCE IT.

I'M NOT 100% SURE.

I JUST RUN BY QUICKLY AND MUMBLE.

[mumbling rapidly]

PATRICIA, WANNA MOVE THE CAR?

I LIKE MEXICANS THOUGH

'CAUSE THEY ALL HAVE NICKNAMES, YOU KNOW?

LIKE, HER NAME'S PATRICIA, BUT HER NICKNAME IS PETITA.

THAT'S CUTE, HUH? PETITA.

"COMO ESTAS, PETITA?" HER FRIENDS CALL HER.

"HOLA, PETITA." "BUENOS DIAS, PETITA."

IT'S CUTE, HUH?

HER NICKNAME FOR ME IS, "YOU ARE A LIAR

"AND A PERVERT.

"WHY DO YOU WANT TO STICK IT IN THERE?

"YOU'RE A PERVERT AND A LIAR.

YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO WARN SOMEBODY."

SHE'S A NICE GIRL, THOUGH.

ANYWAY, WE HAVE A NEW BABY.

HER NAME IS, UH--WELL, MY WIFE CALLS HER "MEE-RAN-DA."

IT'S LIKE, "CAN WE JUST CALL HER 'MIRANDA,'

SO WE CAN GET HER INTO A GOOD SCHOOL?"

YOU KNOW, BUT, UH...

IT'S UNBELIEVABLE WHAT A WOMAN HAS TO GO THROUGH.

I NEVER REALLY REALIZED IT, BUT, LIKE,

I MEAN, SHE'S BREASTFEEDING.

I MEAN, THIS IS HOW TOUGH IT IS.

A PIECE OF MY WIFE'S NIPPLE ACTUALLY FELL OFF.

SHE'S STILL HAVING TO BREASTFEED EVERY TWO, THREE HOURS.

YOU KNOW, IF A PIECE OF MY PENIS FELL OFF,

THAT'S ONE DEAD FUCKING BABY RIGHT THERE, SO--

"THAT IS IT. NO MORE FOR YOU.

"YOU CANNOT CONTROL YOURSELF, OBVIOUSLY.

THAT IS IT."

THEN AGAIN, FEEDING YOUR BABY WITH A PENIS

BRINGS UP A WHOLE OTHER SET OF PROBLEMS

AND ISSUES THAT I DON'T WANT TO GET INTO.

[laughter]

SEE, YOU KNOW, THANK GOD WE GOT THE ABUELITA THERE.

YOU KNOW, THAT'S, YOU KNOW, SPANISH FOR, YOU KNOW,

GRANDMA, DOMESTIC SERVANT.

YOU KNOW, THAT'S THE-- IT'S AMAZING.

SHE DOESN'T SPEAK A WORD OF ENGLISH, WHICH IS GREAT,

'CAUSE I DON'T HAVE TO WASTE MY TIME TALKING TO HER, YOU KNOW?

IT'S LIKE, IT'S JUST A LOT OF "UH-HUH, UH-HUH, UH-HUH.

"UH-HUH. OKAY, TAKE THE FUCKING BABY.

OKAY, GOOD. OKAY, I'LL SEE YOU IN A BIT."

[laughs]

BUT ANYWAY, SHE'S AMAZING THOUGH.

I CALL HER "THE BABY WHISPERER."

YEAH. NO, BECAUSE SHE'S AMAZING.

SHE MAKES THIS SOUND, AND IT'S NOT EXACTLY LIKE A--

IT'S LIKE A "SHH" AND A WHISTLE.

IT'S LIKE... [whistling, exhaling]

AND IT'S REALLY HYPNOTIZING.

THE BABY COULD BE, LIKE,

YOU KNOW, VOMITING, POOPING, CRYING, LIKE...

[imitates baby wailing]

AND SHE GOES... [whistling, exhaling]

AND THE BABY'S LIKE...

[laughter]

IT'S INCREDIBLE, YOU KNOW?

SHE DOES THE SAME THING AT CUSTOMS, YOU KNOW?

[laughter]

"I NOTICE YOU DON'T HAVE A VISA HERE."

[whistling, exhaling]

[imitates stamping]

"WELCOME TO AMERICA. PLEASE COME ON THROUGH."

"I NOTICE YOU HAVE A LIVE CHICKEN IN YOUR LUGGAGE."

[whistling, exhaling]

"WELCOME TO AMERICA. PLEASE COME ON THROUGH."

IT'S AMAZING WHAT MY WIFE HAS JUST GONE THROUGH.

IT'S INCREDIBLE, YOU KNOW.

I FEEL BAD FOR HER, YOU KNOW? THERE'S NOT A LOT I COULD DO.

SHE LOST A PIECE OF HER NIPPLE, IT'S LIKE,

"OKAY, YOU LOST A PIECE OF YOUR NIPPLE?

"HERE, WATCH WHATEVER YOU WANT ON TV.

"HELP YOURSELF, PLEASE.

LEAST I CAN DO."

SHE LIKES TO WATCH THESE REALITY SHOWS, YOU KNOW?

I HATE WATCHING THESE REALITY SHOWS

'CAUSE THEN YOU GET ADDICTED TO WATCHING THIS STUFF, YOU KNOW?

THEN YOU START PLANNING YOUR LIFE.

"HONEY, IT'S 9:00. WE GOT TO GET HOME.

"WE CAN'T MISS 'HOARDERS.'

"NO, THIS WEEK'S GONNA BE DIFFERENT THAN LAST WEEK.

"THE PILES OF SHIT ARE GONNA BE DIFFERENT

THAN LAST WEEK'S PILES OF SHIT."

[laughter]

YOU KNOW, "HOARDERS" IS ON A&E,

YOU KNOW, THE MISERY CHANNEL.

EVERY SHOW ON THERE IS LIKE, "HEY, HONEY,

"THIS GUY WEIGHS 800 POUNDS.

"HE CAN'T TIE HIS SHOES OR WIPE HIS ASS.

"LET'S WATCH THIS FOR THE NEXT HOUR.

"HE'S REALLY SUFFERING.

THIS COULD BE ENTERTAINING FOR US."

ON "HOARDERS," THE PROBLEM IS SO OBVIOUS.

YOU GOT A HOUSE FILLED WITH GARBAGE.

YOU CAN THROW IT OUT.

THAT'S IT, YOU KNOW? YOU KNOW, THEY BRING--

THESE PROFESSIONAL ORGANIZERS COME OVER,

AND THEY'RE REALLY ANNOYING 'CAUSE THEY'RE OVERLY NICE

TO THESE SICK BASTARDS. YOU KNOW, IT'S LIKE,

"SO TELL ME,

"WHAT DID THIS ROOM HERE USED TO BE

"BEFORE YOU TURNED IT INTO A TOILET?

WHAT WAS THIS?" YOU KNOW?

THE IDEA OF THE SHOW IS TO GET THEM TO THROW AWAY THEIR STUFF,

AND THEY DIDN'T WANT TO THROW ANYTHING AWAY

'CAUSE EVERYTHING IS VALUABLE TO THESE SICKOS, YOU KNOW?

THEY ARGUE ABOUT THROWING ANYTHING AWAY.

THEY SAY, "WHAT ARE YOU THROWING AWAY?

"WHAT IS THAT? WHAT IS THAT?

"THAT'S A DEAD CAT.

"WHY WOULD YOU THROW THAT AWAY?

"THAT'S A PERFECTLY GOOD DEAD CAT RIGHT THERE.

"IT'S STILL GOT A HUNK OF FUR AND A CLAW ON IT.

"THIS GUY'S TRYING TO

"BREAK UP OUR DEAD CAT COLLECTION, HONEY.

"THAT'S THE BEST ONE!

"NOW WHAT ARE YOU THROWING AWAY?

THAT Q-TIP'S STILL GOOD ON THE OTHER SIDE! COME ON!"

[laughter]

BUT IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THE SHOW, IT'S COMING BACK.

"HOARDERS" IS COMING BACK AT THE END OF THIS MONTH.

IT'S GONNA BE ON A&E, 9:00, MONDAY NIGHTS.

WATCH IT WITH YOUR WIVES, WATCH IT WITH YOUR HUSBANDS,

WATCH IT WITH YOUR KIDS, 'CAUSE WHAT YOU DO

WHEN YOU'RE DONE WATCHING THE SHOW?

YOU CLEAN THE HOUSE TILL 3:00 IN THE FUCKING MORNING.

IT'S LIKE, "WE'RE FUCKED UP TOO. LOOK AT ALL THIS SHIT.

"THEY COULD HAVE AN EPISODE HERE TOMORROW, HONEY.

GO OUT FRONT AND SEE IF THERE'S A CAMERA CREW."

[laughter]

PATRICIA THINKS I'M A HOARDER

IF I DON'T THROW THE NEWSPAPER--

"YOU'RE A NEWSPAPER HOARDER!

YOU CAN'T EVEN THROW AWAY A NEWSPAPER, YOU HOARDER!"

"HONEY, IT'S TODAY'S PAPER."

"IT'S 5:00. YOU'RE A HOARDER."

"WELL, YOU HAVE 85 PAIRS OF SHOES."

"YEAH, THAT'S BECAUSE I'M A GOOD SHOPPER.

"I NEED EVERY ONE OF THOSE PAIRS OF SHOES.

CHEWS, C-H-E-W-S, CHEWS."

[laughter]

MY WIFE AND I ARE TRYING TO CUT BACK. YOU KNOW, THIS ECONOMY.

IT'S TOUGH OUT THERE IN THE ECONOMY, YOU KNOW?

GOT TO CUT BACK WHERE YOU CAN, YOU KNOW?

MAYBE EVEN TIME TO GET RID OF STUFF. THERE'S AN IDEA.

GET RID OF STUFF YOU DON'T WANT ANYMORE.

MY FAVORITE COMMERCIAL ON TV RIGHT NOW IS,

"GET RID OF YOUR UNWANTED GOLD."

[laughter]

UNWANTED GOLD?

IT'S FUCKING GOLD.

WHO HAS UNWANT--? "HONEY, WHAT IS THIS SHIT?

"GOLD? GET RID OF IT!

"IT'S EMBARRASSING!

"WE GOT FRIENDS COMING OVER,

"THERE'S FUCKING GOLD EVERYWHERE!

GET THIS SINGLE MOST PRECIOUS HEAVY METAL OUT OF OUR HOUSE!"

I'M GONNA PUT A COMMERCIAL ON TV JUST FOR THE HELL OF IT.

"GET RID OF YOUR UNWANTED CASH."

[laughter]

IT'S TOUGH OUT THERE IN THE ECONOMY, THOUGH.

IT'S TOUGH, YOU KNOW? I FEEL IT.

I FEEL IT, YOU KNOW.

WELL, I DON'T FEEL IT, BUT, YOU KNOW,

I HEAR SHIT FROM A BUNCH OF PEOPLE.

WE DRIVE BY PEOPLE.

"HONEY, THOSE PEOPLE LOOK FUCKED UP. LET'S KEEP GOING.

COME ON, LET'S KEEP GOING. KEEP GOING, KEEP GOING."

YOU KNOW WHAT'S FUCKED UP?

'CAUSE YOU SEE-- YOU SEE HOMELESS PEOPLE,

AND SOME OF 'EM ARE WHITE, YOU GO, "OH, THAT'S FUCKED UP.

"COME ON, LET'S KEEP GOING. THEY LOOK LIKE US, HONEY.

"KEEP GOING. DON'T LOOK AT THEM, DON'T LOOK AT THEM!"

NO MATTER WHERE THE ECONOMY GOES,

SOME THINGS YOU CAN'T DO WITHOUT.

I GOT TO KEEP MY DOG, AND I LIKE MY DOG,

BUT I'M NOT ONE OF THESE DELUSIONAL DOG OWNERS.

YOU KNOW, IT'S LIKE, "MY DOG LOVES ME.

I KNOW MY DOG LOVES ME. MY DOG--"

I'M SORRY, YOU DON'T KNOW YOUR DOG LOVES YOU, OKAY?

HE'S ANOTHER SPECIES. HE MAY LIKE YOU.

HE MAY TOLERATE YOU, BUT YOU NOTICE,

YOU HAVE TO KEEP HIM ON A LEASH

OR BEHIND THE FENCE OR INSIDE THE HOUSE.

OTHERWISE, HE'D PROBABLY FUCKING GO SOMEPLACE BETTER.

[laughter]

YOU WANT TO SEE IF HE LOVES YOU? LET HIM GO.

SEE IF HE FUCKING COMES BACK.

THEN MAYBE HE LOVES YOU.

I LIKE MY DOG, BUT I DON'T DELUDE MYSELF.

I THINK MY DOG'S SMART ENOUGH.

I THINK MY DOG GETS WHAT THE BASIS OF THE RELATIONSHIP IS

BETWEEN ME AND HIM.

MY DOG LOOKS AT ME LIKE...

[laughter]

"HE'S GOT MORE FOOD!"

[laughter]

"HE'S A GENIUS AT FINDING FOOD!

"ALL DAY LONG HE COMES BACK WITH MORE AND MORE FOOD!

"I DON'T HAVE A LOT OF OTHER THINGS TO GET EXCITED ABOUT!

"HE CUT MY BALLS OFF.

"I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW IT WAS GONNA HAPPEN.

"I JUST WENT SOMEWHERE, I FELL ASLEEP,

"AND I WOKE UP WITH NO BALLS.

YEP, THEY'RE STILL GONE."

I THINK MY DOG, IN THAT SMALL BRAIN OF HIS,

BELIEVES IT'S A FAIR EXCHANGE, 'CAUSE EVERY DAY,

I'M OUT IN THE BACKYARD, PICKING UP HIS SHIT.

[laughter]

"WHAT DOES HE WANT WITH MY SHIT?"

[laughter]

"EVERY DAY, HE'S IN THE BACKYARD, LOOKING AROUND.

HE'S NOT SATISFIED UNTIL HE FINDS MY SHIT."

[laughter]

"THAT'S LAST WEEK'S SHIT.

"WHAT COULD HE POSSIBLY WANT WITH LAST WEEK'S SHIT?

"HE'S A SHIT HOARDER.

"I'M OWNED BY A SHIT HOARDER.

"I'LL MAKE IT MORE INTERESTING FOR HIM TODAY.

"I'LL LEAVE ONE BY HIS PILLOW.

"HE WON'T EVEN NEED TO GO OUTSIDE FOR THAT ONE.

"HE CAN JUST ROLL OVER.

"IT'LL BE RIGHT THERE, WAITING FOR HIM.

"HELLO, MASTER. HOW ARE YOU?

"I WAS JUST LEAVING YOU A LITTLE PRESENT,

"SOMETHING I KNOW YOU'LL LOVE.

"WHY IS HE HITTING WITH A NEWSPAPER?

"AH! AH! HE'S CRAZY. OUTSIDE HE LOVES IT.

"HE CAN'T GET ENOUGH OF IT. HE LOOKS EVERYWHERE FOR IT.

"UNDER TREES, IN THE NEIGHBOR'S LAWN, IN BUSHES.

"INSIDE, HE HITS ME.

"IT'S THE SAME SHIT,

"AND THIS IS A NEW ONE, STILL WARM.

YOU DON'T APPRECIATE SHIT."

[laughter]

MY WIFE WANTED HER OWN DOG.

SHE'S MEXICAN, SO WE HAD TO GET A PIT BULL, YOU KNOW.

HAVING A PIT BULL MAKES SOME THINGS MORE INTERESTING.

YOU KNOW, YOU THROW A BALL, HE COMES BACK WITH AN ARM.

"JESUS CHRIST. GET IN THE VAN.

NOW WE HAVE TO LEAVE BECAUSE OF YOU. COME ON."

EVERYTHING'S ABOUT MONEY NOW IN SOCIETY, YOU KNOW?

EVEN BEFORE YOU GET ON A PLANE, THEY MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE SHIT.

THEY LET YOU KNOW WHO HAS MORE MONEY THAN YOU.

"NOW BOARDING ALL DIAMOND ELITE FLIERS.

"DIAMOND ELITE, 1K MILLION MILE FLIERS

"ARE WELCOME TO BOARD AT THIS TIME.

"NOW BOARDING ALL EMERALD GOLD FLIERS.

"EMERALD GOLD, 1K MILLION MILE FLIERS ARE WEL--

NOW BOARDING ALL SILVER MEDALLION FLIERS."

THEY WORK THEIR WAY DOWN TO YOU, YOU KNOW.

"NOW BOARDING ALL TIN FOIL TURD FLIERS.

"THE REST OF YOU LOSERS AND MUTANTS

ARE WELCOME TO BOARD AT THIS TIME."

WE'RE LIKE, "THANK YOU SO MUCH

"FOR LETTING ME ON THE P-P-PLANE

"WITH ALL THE NORMAL P-P-PEOPLE.

WHICH SEAT DO I CLIMB UNDERNEATH?"

[laughter]

YOU KNOW, THEY'RE SO CHEAP, THE AIRLINES, YOU KNOW?

IT'S LIKE, YOU WANT TO CHECK A BAG,

YOU GOT TO PAY FOR THAT NOW, YOU KNOW?

WE'RE USED TO THAT.

YOU WANT TO CHECK A BAG, YOU GOT TO PAY FOR THAT.

IT'S LIKE, "YOU WANT TO FLY SOMEWHERE,

"AND YOU WANT TO CHANGE CLOTHES WHEN YOU GET THERE?

"THAT'S ANOTHER $40, ASSHOLE, LET'S GO. COME ON, COME ON.

OTHERWISE JUST WEAR THAT T-SHIRT THE WHOLE TIME YOU'RE THERE."

THEY'RE SO CHEAP, AND GET READY FOR THIS, SAN JOSEANS.

[laughter]

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL THEY CALL YOU,

BUT IT'S GOOD ENOUGH, YOU KNOW?

DO YOU WANT TO SIT BY THE WINDOW OR THE AISLE,

OR, GOD FORBID, TOGETHER NEXT YEAR?

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO PAY A SURCHARGE FOR THAT.

YEAH. GOD FORBID THERE'S ANY TURBULENCE ON THESE FLIGHTS.

"IN CASE OF LOSS OF CABIN PRESSURE,

"PUT YOUR CREDIT CARD IN THE SLOT IN FRONT OF YOU,

"AND IF YOUR CREDIT CARD IS GOOD,

"AN OXYGEN MASK WILL DROP FROM THE CEILING.

"OTHERWISE, THANK YOU FOR FLYING AMERICAN AIRLINES.

"IN CASE OF A WATER LANDING,

FOR $9.99, YOU CAN PURCHASE A FLOATATION DEVICE."

LIKE, "HEY! THAT SHIT SHOULD COME WITH THE CRASH!

THAT SHOULD BE INCLUDED IN THE DISASTER!"

BY THE WAY, TO BE A T.S.A. AGENT,

DO YOU HAVE TO PROMISE TO NEVER WORK OUT AGAIN?

DO YOU HAVE TO TAKE AN OATH TO ONLY EAT PUDDING?

PROMISE TO NEVER GO NEAR A TREADMILL OR A GYM AGAIN?

YOU GOT TO TAKE YOUR SHOES OFF,

'CAUSE THE SHOE BOMBER, YOU KNOW.

CAN'T HAVE ANY LIQUIDS, THE LIQUIDS BOMBER.

YOU'VE GOT TO PUT YOUR COMPUTER OUT IN ITS OWN BIN,

BECAUSE THE COMPUTER BOMBER.

YOU CAN'T HAVE ANY UNDERWEAR, THE UNDERWEAR BOMBER.

YOU GOT TO TAKE YOUR BELT OFF, 'CAUSE YOU KNOW

HOW DANGEROUS A BELT COULD BE, RIGHT?

I COULD PUT IT ON THE PILOT'S HEAD

AND FUCKING CHOKE HIM OUT WITH IT.

TAKE THAT LITTLE METAL PIECE

AND POKE HIM IN THE FUCKING EYE.

"HEY, CAPTAIN, YOU DROPPED YOUR PEN RIGHT THERE.

"I GOT YOU, YOU FUCKER.

I'M TAKING OVER THIS PLANE. I GOT A BELT."

YOU KNOW, SO YOU'RE BAREFOOT,

AND YOU'RE HOLDING YOUR PANTS UP, YOU KNOW.

PUSHING THREE BINS' WORTH OF SHIT, YOU KNOW.

TRYING TO GET A WIDE STANCE SO YOU DON'T GET

SOME WEIRD INDIAN FUNGUS ON YOUR FEET, YOU KNOW.

YOU GO THROUGH THE METAL DETECTOR, "BING!"

OOPS, I FORGOT I GOT A NICKEL IN MY ASS.

HONEY, HOW IS THAT HELPING?

BUT THAT'S NOT HUMILIATING ENOUGH.

NOW THEY WANT TO X-RAY US. THAT'S RIGHT.

THOSE NEW SCANNING MACHINES, X-RAYS.

YEAH, I CAN'T BELIEVE IT, YOU KNOW,

"IS THAT AN X-RAY MACHINE--CAN YOU SEE UNDERNEATH MY CLOTHES?"

"YES." "SO YOU'RE X-RAYING ME."

"NO, IT'S NOT AN X-RAY." "HUH?

"BUT WHEN SUPERMAN SAW UNDERNEATH PEOPLE'S CLOTHES,

"HE CALLED IT X-RAY VISION.

WHO AM I GOING TO BELIEVE, YOU OR THE MAN OF STEEL?"

SO, ANYWAY, YOU KNOW, I CAN'T BELIEVE AMERICANS, YOU KNOW.

YOU GO TO SAN JOSE INTERNATIONAL,

SEE THOSE SCANNERS, THEY'RE DOING THIS.

YOU KNOW, THEY'RE X-RAYING YOUR GENITALS.

THAT'S WHAT THEY'RE DOING, YOU KNOW.

THE NEXT TIME THEY WANT TO X-RAY YOUR GENITALS,

YOUR WIFE'S GENITALS BEFORE YOU FLY SOMEWHERE, SAY,

"EXCUSE ME, BEFORE WE DO ANY X-RAYING

"OF THE GENITALS, CAN I JUST SHOW YOU SOMETHING ON MY iPHONE?

"LOOK AT THIS. IT'S THE BILL OF RIGHTS.

"LOOK AT NUMBER FOUR.

"IT'S REASONABLE SEARCH AND SEIZURE, YOU KNOW.

"I'M JUST--I'VE NEVER BEEN CONVICTED OF A CRIME.

"I'VE NEVER BEEN ARRESTED FOR A CRIME.

"HONEY, YOU EVER BEEN CONVICTED OR ARRESTED FOR A CRIME?

"WE'RE JUST FLYING TO MIAMI FOR THE WEEKEND.

"I DON'T THINK IT'S REASONABLE FOR YOU

"TO BE X-RAYING OUR GENITALS.

"WE'LL TAKE THE FREE CROTCH MASSAGE INSTEAD.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH."

THE FAT GUY IN THE BLUE GLOVES COMES OUT.

"WHAT DO WE GOT HERE? WHAT DO WE GOT HERE?

"OKAY. DO YOU HAVE ANY SENSITIVE AREAS?

DO YOU HAVE ANY--" "WELL, YOU KNOW, MY RELATIONSHIP

WITH MY MOTHER IS KIND OF A SENSITIVE AREA, YOU KNOW."

I FEEL SORRY FOR SECURITY, SORRY FOR THE GUY IN THE BOOTH,

YOU KNOW, AFTER BEING THERE, 'CAUSE YOU'RE GONNA--

THE SECURITY, THEY'RE GONNA GAMBLE AWAY EVERY PAYCHECK.

THEY'RE GONNA LOSE ALL THEIR MONEY.

IT'S LIKE "AHA! I TOLD YOU, TRANSVESTITE.

"50 BUCKS, BOBBY. LET'S GO, RIGHT THERE.

"RIGHT THERE. AHA, ONE BALL.

DANNY, YOU OWE ME 20, LOOK AT THAT RIGHT THERE."

I JUST THINK WE'RE AMERICANS. WE'RE SMARTER THAN THAT.

COME ON, WE INVENTED THE PHONE,

THE FLYING MACHINE, THE INTERNET.

WE CAN COME UP WITH A RULE THAT APPLIES TO EVERYBODY.

MOVE THINGS ALONG, RESTORE DIGNITY AND LUXURY

THAT FLYING DESERVES. I GOT AN IDEA.

IF YOU LIKE IT, YOU RUN WITH IT.

IF YOUR NAME TAKES UP MORE THAN ONE PAGE ON YOUR PASSPORT,

SPREAD YOUR FUCKING CHEEKS. EVERYBODY ELSE IS GOOD.

IT'S NOT TOO BAD. IT'S NOT PERFECT.

"OKAY, STEVE SMITH FROM SAN JOSE, OKAY, YOU'RE GOOD.

"NO, IT'S OKAY. NO, KEEP YOUR SHOES ON.

"IT'S OKAY. NO, IT'S GOOD.

"TAKE THE KNIFE WITH YOU. WE TRUST YOU.

"YOU'RE GOOD. NO, YOU'RE GOOD.

"KHALID RAFSANJANI AHMADINEJAD ABDUL MUTALEB,

"LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT THAT ASSHOLE OF YOURS.

"IT'S EITHER A HAND GRENADE...

"OR A DINGLEBERRY.

"CLIMB IN THERE AND SEE WHAT THE HELL THIS--

PUT IT ON THE X-RAY MACHINE, YOU KNOW."

WE GOT TO GET HEALTHY.

THAT'S WHAT'S THE THING ABOUT BANKRUPTING AMERICA,

IS WE GOT TO GET HEALTHY, YOU KNOW.

ONE OUT OF THREE AMERICANS IS OVERWEIGHT.

ONE OUT OF SIX AMERICANS IS REALLY OVERWEIGHT.

NOW THAT'S SOME MESSED-UP PEOPLE OUT THERE.

THE GOOD THING ABOUT BEING FAT IN AMERICA

IS NO MATTER HOW FAT YOU ARE, THERE'S ALWAYS SOMEBODY FATTER.

LIKE, "I'M FUCKED UP? LOOK AT THAT GUY OVER THERE.

HE NEEDS A SPECIAL CAR."

IT'S AMAZING. THAT'S WHAT PISSES ME OFF.

YOU SEE THESE COMMERCIALS LATE AT NIGHT

THAT DON'T ENCOURAGE PEOPLE TO GET HEALTHY, LIKE,

"THE NEW BODY CORSET."

IT'S LIKE, WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?

"JUST SQUISH ALL THAT SHIT TOGETHER

AND PUT YOUR CLOTHES BACK ON."

THAT'S NOT HELPING.

WALK AROUND THE BLOCK.

SKIP DESSERT. TAKE A DUMP.

DO ANYTHING, COME ON.

THE BIGGEST THREAT TO AMERICAN WAY OF LIFE IS NOT AL-QAEDA.

IT'S NOT IRAN. IT'S NOT NORTH KOREA.

IT'S FUCKING CHEESECAKE FACTORY.

WHO'S FRYING THE MACARONI AND CHEESE?

IT'S ALREADY CHEESE AND MACARONI.

WHAT ELSE COULD WE DO TO IT?

"IT'S MACARONI AND CHEESE. WE COULD FRY IT.

"YEAH. WHAT ELSE CAN WE DO?

"WE COULD PUT SOME CIGARETTES IN THERE.

"REESE--REESE'S PEANUT BUTTER CUPS.

"YEAH, LET'S FUCK IT UP. GO AHEAD.

"PUT SOME MORE SHIT IN THERE.

LET'S KILL THESE FUCKING PEOPLE."

AND OUR OLD PEOPLE ARE BANKRUPTING US.

YOU KNOW, HALF THE COMMERCIALS ON TV

ARE NOW DRUGS AIMED AT OLD PEOPLE WHO OBVIOUSLY AREN'T

IN A POSITION TO BE MAKING GOOD DECISIONS, BECAUSE THEY'RE LOOPY

FROM ALL THE OTHER SHIT THEY'RE ALREADY TAKING.

THEY ADVERTISE THIS STUFF LATE AT NIGHT,

LIKE, "DO YOU NOT WANT TO PEE ANYMORE?

THEN TAKE 'FLOW LESS' AND NEVER PEE AGAIN."

YOU STAY UP REALLY LATE AT NIGHT,

THAT'S WHEN THE REALLY BIZARRE, FAKE COMMERCIALS COME ON,

YOU KNOW, THOSE FAKE DISEASES.

LIKE, "DO YOU HAVE ONE BALL

"THAT STICKS TO THE SIDE OF YOUR LEG?

"YOU COULD HAVE 'ONE BALL STUCK TO THE SIDE

"OF YOUR LEG' SYNDROME.

"YOU NEED TO TAKE ASSLICKOVOREPOLYHYDRATE.

GET RID OF THAT ONE BALL STUCK TO THE SIDE OF YOUR LEG."

THEN THEY RUN THE SIDE EFFECTS AT THE END OF THE COMMERCIAL.

THE SIDE EFFECTS ARE ALWAYS A THOUSAND TIMES WORSE

THAN HAVING A BALL STUCK TO YOUR FUCKING LEG, YOU KNOW?

"SIDE EFFECTS ARE YOU COULD BLEED FROM YOUR EARS

"AND YOUR EYES AND YOUR ASS.

"YOU COULD HAVE SEIZURES,

"GO INTO SHOCK, STOP BREATHING.

"YOUR BLADDER COULD EXPLODE IN FRONT OF YOUR GRANDCHILDREN.

YOU MAY NEVER BE ABLE TO SHIT AGAIN."

MY FAVORITE IS "SOME PATIENTS ON ASSLICKOVORE

HAVE EXPERIENCED THEIR OTHER BALL STICKING TO THEIR LEG."

IT'S LIKE, COME ON.

WE HAVE A CROSS-CULTURAL KID. LITTLE MIRANDA.

I COME FROM A CROSS-CULTURAL BACKGROUND.

MY DAD WAS JEWISH. MY MOM'S FILIPINO.

IT'S LIKE THE PERFECT STORM OF SMALL PENISES.

MY HOUSE SMELLED LIKE SOY SAUCE AND THE HOLOCAUST.

MY DAD WAS VERY HAPPY HE MARRIED AN ASIAN WOMAN.

MY DAD WOULD TRY TO GIVE ME ADVICE WHEN I WAS YOUNGER.

HE SAID, "HEY ROBBY, HEY, HEY.

IF YOU WANT TO BE HAPPY, GET YOURSELF AN ORIENTAL."

IT'S ALREADY INAPPROPRIATE RIGHT THERE, YOU KNOW?

"YOU KNOW THESE ORIENTALS WILL TAKE CARE OF YOU

"IN EVERY WAY IMAGINABLE.

"THEY WILL GIVE YOU HAND RELIEF AND ORAL.

WHAT THESE ORIENTALS CAN DO WITH THEIR MOUTHS--"

"HEY, DAD!

"THAT 'ORIENTAL' IS IN THE KITCHEN.

"THAT'S MOM. MY MOM.

I'M SEVEN."

MY MOM'S ORIGINALLY FROM MANILA IN THE PHILIPPINES.

SHE SPEAKS VERY GOOD ENGLISH, BUT THE SUBTLETIES

OF THE LANGUAGE HAVE ALWAYS ESCAPED HER.

YOU KNOW, LIKE THE SWEAR WORDS

SHE NEVER QUITE FIGURED OUT, YOU KNOW.

SHE'D HEAR MY BROTHER AND I CALL EACH OTHER NAMES,

AND SHE'D USE THOSE SAME NAMES TO GET US

TO PICK UP AROUND THE HOUSE.

"ALL RIGHT, YOU FAGGOTS, PICK UP YOUR TOWELS.

"BEDTIME FOR QUEER BAITS, LET'S GO.

"GET READY FOR SCHOOL, ASS PIRATES.

YOU DON'T WANT TO BE THE LAST FUDGE PACKERS ON THE BUS."

"DID MOM JUST CALL US FUDGE PACKERS?

"IS THAT WHAT HAPPENED?

I THINK SHE DID."

MY MOM WILL COOK FILIPINO FOOD, OF COURSE.

CHICKEN ADOBO, AND SHE'D LEAVE IT ON THE STOVE OVERNIGHT.

SHE WOULDN'T REFRIGERATE IT, 'CAUSE THEY DIDN'T HAVE

REFRIGERATORS IN THE PHILIPPINES.

YOU KNOW, EVEN AS AN EIGHT-YEAR-OLD,

IT SEEMED KIND OF FUNKY, YOU KNOW.

"MOM, WHY DON'T YOU PUT THAT IN THE--"

"DOESN'T NEED TO BE 'FRIGERATED.

"WE DON'T 'FRIGERATE IN THE PHILIPPINES.

WE DON'T 'FRIGERATE HERE."

"YEAH, BUT WE GOT ONE."

"DOESN'T NEED TO BE 'FRIGERATED."

IT'S LIKE, WHAT ABOUT BUGS GETTING IN THERE?

"NO BUGS WILL GO ANYWHERE NEAR THIS FOOD."

IT'S LIKE, WHY ARE WE FUCKING EATIN' IT THEN?

IT'S BEEN REJECTED BY BUGS.

[makes buzzing sound]

"I DON'T TRUST IT.

[makes buzzing sound]

"LOOKS LIKE FILIPINO FOOD. COME ON, GUYS.

"LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.

[makes buzzing sound] I'M ONLY ALIVE FOR 72 HOURS.

"I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE WHOLE TIME HAVING DIARRHEA.

[makes buzzing sound]

WASTING FOOD IS A BIG DEAL IN MY MOM'S HOUSE, THOUGH,

BECAUSE SHE'S A WAR SURVIVOR, YOU KNOW.

WORLD WAR II DURING THE JAPANESE OCCUPATION, YOU KNOW.

YOU KNOW, AS AN EIGHT-YEAR-OLD,

YOU DON'T KNOW ANY OF THAT SHIT.

"YOU GONNA EAT THAT POTATO?"

"WELL, I HAVEN'T EATEN IT YET."

"I HAD TO CRAWL UP A MOUNTAIN FOR THREE DAYS TO GET A POTATO.

"THE JAPANESE WERE SHOOTING AT US.

"HAD TO CRAWL UNDER-- MY HANDS AND KNEES--

UNDER BARBED WIRE TO BRING MY MOM BACK A POTATO."

"WELL, THEN YOU SHOULD FUCKING EAT IT,

BECAUSE YOU OBVIOUSLY..."

[imitates assault sounds]

AND OF COURSE, YOU KNOW, YOUR PARENTS GET OLDER,

THE AGE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN YOU AND THEM BECOMES INSIGNIFICANT.

THEY BECOME MORE LIKE YOUR FRIENDS.

THEY FEEL MORE COMFORTABLE OPENING UP

AND TELLING YOU THINGS THAT'LL SCAR YOU

FOR THE REST OF YOUR ADULT LIFE, YOU KNOW.

SO MY MOM FELT COMFORTABLE TELLING ME STUFF.

"ROBERT, ALL YOUR FATHER WANTS IS SEX,

"AND I DON'T WANT IT ANYMORE.

"MY JAW HURTS.

"I'M NOT AS LIMBER AS I USED TO BE.

"CAN'T GET MY ANKLES BEHIND MY EARS LIKE HE LIKES.

"I DON'T WANT TO SIT IN THE DAMN CHAIR

"WITH ALL THE ROPES SPINNING BACK AND FORTH ANYMORE.

I GET DIZZY AS HELL IN THAT DAMN CHAIR."

"EXCUSE ME FOR A SECOND, MOM, WILL YOU?"

[imitates vomiting sound]

MY WIFE PATRICIA, LIKE ALL WOMEN,

SHE SUFFERS FROM SELECTIVE MEMORY DISORDER.

WOMEN ONLY REMEMBER THE STUFF THEY WANT TO REMEMBER,

THE STUFF THAT SERVES THEIR PURPOSES.

STUFF THEY DON'T WANT TO REMEMBER,

THEY CONVENIENTLY LOSE ALL KNOWLEDGE OF, YOU KNOW.

STUFF MY WIFE WANTS TO REMEMBER, IT'S LIKE,

"OKAY, YOU SAID YOU GONNA TAKE A DANCE CLASS AT 7:30,

"WEST HOLLYWOOD, SALSA LESSON. COME ON.

WE GOT TO GO."

"OH, WHEN DID I AGREE TO THAT?"

"AUGUST 13TH, 3:32 P.M.

"YOU WERE WEARING BROWN SLACKS,

"A U2 T-SHIRT, TENNIS SHOES.

"IT WAS 68 DEGREES, SLIGHT CHANCE OF PRECIPITATION.

"I SAID, 'YOU WANT TO TAKE A SALSA LESSON?'

"YOU DID THIS.

EVERYONE KNOWS THAT MEANS YES."

STUFF SHE DOESN'T WANT TO REMEMBER, IT'S LIKE,

"HONEY, WHEN DID YOU SCRATCH THE SHIT OUT OF THE CAR?"

"WHAT CAR?"

I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WE HAD A CAR."

WOMEN ARE VERY POWERFUL CREATURES.

I DON'T MEAN THAT IN A GOOD WAY.

WOMEN WILL MAKE YOU DOUBT SOMETHING

YOU KNOW YOU FUCKING DID.

YOUR GUY FRIENDS WON'T MAKE YOU DOUBT.

WOMEN WILL MAKE YOU DOUBT SOMETHING YOU KNOW

FOR SURE YOU DID, MAKE YOU LOSE ALL CONFIDENCE IN IT.

"HONEY, DID YOU LOCK THE FRONT DOOR?"

"MAYBE I DIDN'T LOCK THE FRONT DOOR.

"MAYBE I HAD A 'LOCKING THE FRONT DOOR' HALLUCINATION.

MAYBE I SECRETLY WANT PEOPLE TO COME IN AND KILL US."

WOMEN ARE MAGICIANS.

WOMEN CAN MAKE THINGS APPEAR AND DISAPPEAR AT WILL.

WE CAN'T DO THAT.

"HONEY, I CAN'T FIND MY CAR KEYS.

DO YOU KNOW WHERE MY CAR KEYS ARE?"

"IT'S ON THE PLATE BY THE FRONT DOOR."

"NO, I LOOKED THERE, IT'S NOT--" "WELL, LOOK AGAIN."

"NO, IT'S NOT THERE." "IT IS THERE."

"NO, I SWEAR TO GOD. I JUST--"

"DON'T MAKE ME COME DOWN THERE."

"HONEY, I'M TELLING YOU, IT'S NOT."

"OH, GOD DAMN." [makes thumping noise]

"IT'S RIGHT FUCKING HERE.

"IT WAS HERE THE WHOLE FUCKING TIME.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?"

SHE'S A WITCH.

BURN HER. WITCH!

SO WOMEN COULD EASILY COME OUT AND TELL US

WHAT IT IS THEY WANT, BUT WOMEN DON'T FEEL THEY SHOULD HAVE TO.

WOMEN ARE INSULTED. "YOU SHOULD KNOW.

"I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO TELL YOU WHAT THE PROBLEM--IF I HAVE

"TO TELL YOU WHAT THE PROBLEM IS, THAT'S ANOTHER PROBLEM.

"YOU JUST DOUBLED YOUR PROBLEMS RIGHT THERE.

"YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO CLIMB IN MY BRAIN, LOOK AROUND,

"FIND OUT WHAT I WANT AND WHAT I DON'T WANT, PUT YOUR SHIT AWAY.

YOU'RE SELFISH BEING YOUR OWN PERSON."

OH, JUST TELL US WHAT IT IS YOU WANT, LADIES,

'CAUSE WE DON'T WANT TO DISAPPOINT YOU,

BECAUSE WE'RE GUYS. WE WILL FRUSTRATE YOU.

WE'LL GUESS WRONG EVERY TIME.

JUST TELL US WHAT THE PROBLEM IS.

TELL US WHAT YOU WANT US TO DO TO FIX IT, AND WE'LL DO THAT.

OTHERWISE WE'LL--BECAUSE WE CAN'T FIGURE IT OUT ON OUR OWN.

SHE'S CRYING.

MAYBE SHE WANTS A PIZZA.

IF I WAS CRYING, I'D WANT A PIZZA.

I WONDER WHAT KIND OF PIZZA SHE WANTS.

I KNOW WHAT KIND OF PIZZA I WANT.

I WANT THE PIZZA WITH THE SAUSAGE AND THEN PIZZA--

WHY IS SHE THROWING THE PIZZA AT ME?

WHAT DID THE PIZZA DO TO PISS HER OFF?

I DON'T MEAN TO PICK ON WOMEN,

BUT I DO NEED TO HAVE AN ACT, YOU KNOW?

'CAUSE WOMEN DON'T FIGHT FAIR, AND YOU KNOW

YOU DON'T FIGHT FAIR, CAUSE WOMEN DON'T FIGHT

TO WIN THE ARGUMENT. WOMEN FIGHT TO DESTROY US.

THAT'S A DIFFERENT GOAL.

GUYS FUCK UP BECAUSE WE TEND TO ARGUE

ABOUT WHAT THE ARGUMENT'S ACTUALLY ABOUT.

WOMEN DON'T FEEL THAT CONSTRAINED.

IT'S LIKE, "HONEY, DID YOU HAVE TO PARK BEHIND ME?

"YOU KNOW I GOT TO GET UP AT 5:00 IN THE MORNING

"AND DRIVE TO THE AIRPORT.

"THEN YOU HAVE TO HIDE YOUR CAR KEYS,

"SO I CAN'T MOVE YOUR CAR, SO I MISS MY FLIGHT.

DID YOU HAVE TO DO THAT, HUH?"

"OH, YEAH?

YOU NEVER MAKE ME COME."

THAT'S NOT FAIR. STOP DOING THAT.

BUT I ADMIRE WOMEN. I DO.

WOMEN HAVE THE ABILITY TO STEP OUTSIDE THEMSELVES

AND APPRECIATE ANOTHER WOMAN'S BEAUTY.

THAT'S A VERY POWERFUL THING.

A WOMAN CAN GO UP TO ANOTHER WOMAN

SHE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW AND GO, "WOW.

"YOU'RE A REALLY BEAUTIFUL WOMAN.

I LIKE WHAT YOU'RE DOING WITH YOUR HAIR,"

AND MEAN IT, YOU KNOW.

GUYS ARE MUCH MORE INSECURE.

GUYS DON'T HAVE THAT CONFIDENCE AT ALL.

YOU NEVER HEAR A GUY GO UP TO ANOTHER GUY AND GO,

"WOW, YOU'RE A REALLY BEAUTIFUL GUY.

"I LIKE WHAT YOU DO WITH YOUR EYEBROWS.

"DO YOU SHAVE YOUR OWN CHEST HAIR?

"HEY, WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

"COME BACK HERE, BEAUTIFUL GUY!

"BEAUTIFUL GUY'S GETTING AWAY.

BEAUTIFUL GUY!"

YET WOMEN, IF THEY SO CHOOSE, CAN FIND THE ONE DEFECT

IN AN OTHERWISE PERFECTLY GOOD-LOOKING WOMAN

AND TEAR HER TO SHREDS.

"YEAH, SHE'S PRETTY, I GUESS,

"BUT THAT'S A LONG, FUCKED-UP NECK.

"IF I WAS HER, I'D NEVER EVEN LEAVE THE HOUSE.

"I MEAN, I'D JUST STAY INDOORS ALL DAY,

HANG OUT WITH ALL THE OTHER GIRAFFES."

GUYS ARE THE OPPOSITE.

GUYS SEE SOMETHING WRONG, SOMETHING MESSED UP

ON SOME OTHER GUY, WE'RE CURIOUS.

WE WANT TO KNOW ABOUT IT.

"HEY, CHECK OUT THAT ASSHOLE. HE'S MISSING AN ELBOW.

"LET'S BUY HIM A BEER.

"HOW DID YOU END UP MISSING AN ELBOW?

LOOK, HE CAN'T EVEN DRINK IT!"

OF COURSE, WOMEN HAVE A MUCH HIGHER TOLERANCE TO PAIN

THAN US GUYS COULD EVER HAVE, YOU KNOW.

WOMEN CAN JUST TAKE THE IDEA OF PAIN AND PUSH IT ASIDE

LIKE A DISTANT BASTARD STEPCHILD OF FASHION.

MY WIFE CAN TAKE THESE HIGH-HEEL SHOES,

CRAM FIVE TOES

INTO THE SPACE OF A TOE AND A HALF,

AND BE FINE.

IT'S LIKE, "HONEY, ARE THOSE PAINFUL?"

"NAH, IT'S OKAY. I CAN DEAL WITH IT."

"WELL, THEY LOOK PAINFUL." "NAH, IT'S OKAY.

THEY ONLY HURT WHEN I TAKE STEPS."

TAKE STEPS?

THAT'S THE WHOLE FUNCTION OF SHOES, ISN'T IT?

"IS THAT DRESS A LITTLE TIGHT?" "NAH, IT'S OKAY.

"I TOOK A FEW BREATHS BEFORE I PUT IT ON.

I DON'T THINK I'M GONNA BREATHE A LOT TONIGHT."

"IT MIGHT GET COLD LATER. YOU WANT A SWEATER?"

"NAH, IT DOESN'T MATCH MY OUTFIT.

"I'LL JUST DEAL WITH MY NIPPLES GETTING FROSTBITE.

IT'S OKAY."

WOMEN WILL HAVE THE MOST SENSITIVE PARTS

OF THEIR BODIES SHAVED, SCRAPED.

WOMEN WILL PAY SOMEBODY TO TAKE A STICK AND SOME WAX

AND HAVE THE HAIR ON THEIR VA-HOO-HOOS RIPPED OFF

AND BE--BE TEXTING WHILE IT'S HAPPENING.

"YES, MARIA. I'M AT THE BRAZILIAN WAX PLACE.

"SHE'S VERY NICE. VERY PROFESSIONAL.

"SHE TALKS A LITTLE BIT, BUT NOT TOO MUCH, YOU KNOW?

"SHE'S VERY RESPECTFUL-- OKAY, DON'T FORGET THE BACK,

"DON'T FORGET THE BACK. OKAY, GET READY.

"I'M COMING AT YOU. I'M COMING AT YOU.

"HERE WE GO. I'M GONNA GET READY.

"OKAY, I'M GONNA COME. READY, HERE WE GO.

"GRAB IT, GRAB IT.

"OKAY, HOW MUCH I OWE YOU FOR THAT?

HOW MUCH IS THAT? HOW MUCH I OWE YOU FOR THAT?"

"GRAB IT."

I--"GRAB IT."

[laughs]

I DON'T KNOW IF MY WIFE SAYS THAT,

BUT IT WOULD BE GREAT IF SHE DID.

WOULDN'T IT BE GREAT OR WHAT?

"GRAB IT.

TAKE THE BIG STICK RIGHT NOW."

IT'S AMAZING. I WAS IN THE BATHROOM,

I SAW MY WIFE, YOU KNOW, DOING SOMETHING

I JUST--I JUST NEVER IMAGINED.

SHE'S TAKING, LIKE, DENTAL FLOSS, AND...

[makes popping sound] PLUCKING OUT HER EYEBROWS.

[makes popping sound] WITH DENTAL FLOSS.

[makes popping sounds] EVERY ONCE IN AWHILE,

THEY TRY TO DO IT TO US. "HONEY, YOU GOT A HAIR THERE."

"WHAT?" [makes popping sound]

"WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?

THAT WAS CONNECTED TO MY BRAIN."

'CAUSE, GUYS, WE CAN'T DEAL WITH PAIN.

WE DON'T WANT PAIN. WE TRY TO AVOID PAIN.

GUYS TRY TO AVOID PAIN ALL THE TIME.

IT'S LIKE, "OW, OW, GET THESE OFF OF ME.

I'M NEVER WEARING THESE SOCKS AGAIN."

LIKE, "AH! AH, THIS T-SHIRT HAS AN ITCHY TAG.

"FUCK ME. OW. OW.

"AH! WHY WOULD THEY MAKE A T-SHIRT WITH AN ITCHY TAG?

"THEY'RE INSANE.

"IT'S NICE, SOFT MATERIAL, BUT THE NECK, IT'S SANDPAPER.

"I CAN'T DRIVE TONIGHT, HONEY. YOU HAVE TO DRIVE.

I CAN'T. ITCHY TAG. I'LL KILL US ALL."

WOMEN LOVE TO MOCK US ANY TIME WE'RE IN PAIN.

"SERIOUSLY?

YOU'RE SAYING THAT HURTS, SERIOUSLY?"

"YES, THAT HURTS. THAT'S MY PENIS.

YOU'RE BENDING IT IN HALF."

"REALLY, THIS HURTS?" "YES, THOSE ARE MY BALLS, HONEY.

YOU'RE TRYING TO RIP THEM OFF MY BODY."

WOMEN, JUST BY THE VERY VIRTUE OF BEING A WOMAN,

YOU'RE AUTOMATICALLY A SMELL DETECTIVE.

MY WIFE'S SENSE OF SMELL IS RIDICULOUS.

YOU KNOW, IT'S LIKE... [sniffs]

"DID YOU FART?"

"NO."

"OH, COME ON."

"MAYBE FOUR HOURS AGO." "I KNEW IT!

I KNEW YOU FARTED IN MY CLOSET AT 4:45, YOU ASSHOLE."

"YOU ATE THAT CHEESECAKE. I WAS SAVING THAT."

MAYBE TOO MUCH INFORMATION.

MY WIFE'S CLOSET'S RIDICULOUS, THOUGH.

I MEAN, WOMEN, THEIR ORGANIZATIONAL SKILLS

ARE INCREDIBLE. YOU GO IN THERE,

YOU SEE MY WIFE, SHE'S GOT WINTER, SPRING, SUMMER, FALL.

SHE'S GOT, LIKE, FORMAL, CASUAL, AND SLUTTY,

FORMAL SLUTTY, CASUAL SLUTTY, SLUTTY SLUTTY,

AND THEN WHORE.

FORMAL WHORE, CASUAL WHORE, SLUTTY WHORE, WHORE WHORE,

CRACK WHORE, THE WHOLE WHORE ENSEMBLE, YOU KNOW.

GUYS ORGANIZE OURSELVES DIFFERENTLY.

THAT'S PRETTY CLEAN. WHAT THE FUCK?

THAT'S MORE THAN CLEAN ENOUGH FOR WHAT I'M GONNA NEED IT FOR.

I DON'T MEAN TO BE CRASS, BUT I HAVE LEARNED THAT SEXY TALK,

DIRTY TALK, WHATEVER YOU WANT TO CALL IT,

MUST ALWAYS BE INSTIGATED BY THE WOMAN.

IF THE WOMAN STARTS IT, IT'S FINE,

BUT IF THE GUY STARTS IT, IT'S ALWAYS CREEPY.

YOU KNOW, IF THE WOMAN STARTS THE DIRTY TALK--

"I JUST WANT YOU TO USE ME.

"JUST GET CRAZY.

"JUST PLEASURE YOURSELF. DO WHATEVER YOU WANT TO ME.

JUST USE ME, GET CRAZY."

WELL, YEAH. ALL RIGHT. OKAY.

BUT IF A GUY STARTS IT, YOU KNOW...

[laughter]

"I JUST WANT TO USE YOU. DO WHATEVER I WANT."

"I'M AT WORK, YOU FUCKING SICKO.

YOU'RE ON SPEAKERPHONE." "I'M SORRY, HONEY.

"I JUST WANT TO TELL YOU I LOVE YOU, THAT'S ALL.

"I'M SORRY. HEY, WHAT TIME YOU COMING HOME?

I'LL MAKE YOU DINNER, OKAY."

SO HERE'S THE THING, GUYS.

IF YOU DO HAVE SOME WEIRD, SEXUAL FANTASY, DON'T TELL HER.

TRY IT ON HER, BUT DON'T TELL HER, YOU KNOW,

BECAUSE, IF YOU DO TELL HER, SHE'LL NEVER FORGET IT

AND USE IT AGAINST YOU TO HUMILIATE YOU

AT ALL INOPPORTUNE TIMES.

"HONEY, CAN YOU PLEASE PASS THE CEREAL?"

"YEAH, WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO AFTER THAT, PISS ON YOUR CHEST?"

"THAT'S OKAY, I'LL GET THE CEREAL MYSELF.

"I'M CLOSER TO IT ANYWAY. IT'S RIGHT OVER HERE.

THERE IT IS. LOOKY THERE. RIGHT THERE, RIGHT THERE."

SEE, HERE'S THE THING, LADIES.

YOU KNOW, IN SOME VERY REAL WAY,

YOU'VE SUPPLANTED MOMMY FOR US,

AND THAT'S WHY WE LIE TO YOU ABOUT STUPID SHIT.

'CAUSE WE DON'T WANT TO GET YELLED AT BY MOMMY.

SO WE REVERT TO THAT LITTLE BOY THING, YOU KNOW.

"DID YOU FEED THE DOG GARLIC FRIES?"

"NO."

"HE JUST TOOK A GARLIC DUMP ON THE CARPET."

"I DON'T KNOW.

"MAYBE HE FIGURED OUT HOW TO OPEN THE REFRIGERATOR.

I DON'T KNOW."

"DID YOU USE MY ANTIPERSPIRANT?"

"NO."

"THERE'S ALL KINDS OF LONG ARMPIT HAIRS ON THERE."

"I DON'T KNOW. MAYBE YOUR HAIRBRUSH

AND THE WIND GOT TOGETHER."

"DID YOU CUT YOUR TOENAILS IN BED?"

"NO."

"SOMETHING SHARP JUST POKED ME IN THE ASS."

"I DON'T KNOW.

MAYBE THE BED BROKE A SPRING OR SOMETHING."

"DID YOU TIVO 'HOT BOOTY MILFS'?"

"NO.

SOMETIMES THOSE MACHINES JUST TURN THEMSELVES ON."

[laughter]

"DID YOU ORDER A CHUCK NORRIS SWORD?"

"NO.

"IS IT HERE? I MEAN...

"I MEAN, I'LL TAKE A LOOK AT IT IF IT'S HERE.

"I MEAN, SOMEBODY WANTED IT.

"I MEAN, IF IT'S HERE, I'LL LOOK AT IT, I MEAN...

IF IT'S HERE."

YOU WOMEN LIE TO US ABOUT STUPID SHIT TOO, THOUGH, YOU KNOW.

"HEY, HOW MUCH WAS THAT COACH PURSE?"

"I DON'T KNOW. $30?

"MAYBE IT WAS FREE.

MAYBE THEY PAID ME TO TAKE IT OUT OF THE STORE."

"THAT SHOE SAYS 'CHRISTIAN LOUBOUTIN.'

WHERE'D YOU GET THAT?"

"I DON'T KNOW. T.J. MAXX?

"MAYBE IT WAS IN THE CEREAL BOX.

I DON'T REMEMBER."

"DID YOU GET A COLLAGEN LIP INJECTION?"

"NO."

"WHAT HAPPENED?"

"SOMEBODY PUNCHED ME IN THE FACE."

[laughter]

"DID YOU PUT A VOODOO DOLL IN THE FREEZER?"

"NO."

"IT'S GOT A PICTURE OF MY MOM'S FACE ON IT

WITH NEEDLES IN ITS EYES."

"I DIDN'T DO IT, BUT DON'T TOUCH IT.

WHOEVER DID IT OBVIOUSLY SPENT A LOT OF TIME ON IT."

"OKAY, I GOT TO TAKE MY MOM TO THE EYE DOCTOR NOW."

SO HERE'S THE THING, LADIES.

WE LIE TO YOU ABOUT STUPID SHIT,

BUT WE NEED YOU TO LIE TO US ABOUT THE IMPORTANT SHIT.

'CAUSE WE'RE GUYS.

WE CAN'T TAKE IT.

WE HAVE VERY FRAGILE EGOS,

ESPECIALLY WHEN WE ASK THOSE STUPID QUESTIONS.

PLEASE LIE TO US.

"SO HOW MANY, YOU KNOW,

"OTHER PEOPLE HAVE YOU, YOU KNOW...

"BEFORE, YOU KNOW, DURING-- BEFORE ME, HAVE YOU SEXY TIME--

SEX, YOU KNOW, OTHER SEX WITH OTHER?"

JUST LOOK US RIGHT IN THE EYE, AND GO, "FOUR."

[laughter]

"SO HAVE YOU EVER TRIED, YOU KNOW, A--

"A--ANAL...

ANAL SEX BEFORE?"

"EW, GROSS! WHAT DO YOU THINK I AM, A WHORE?

"DISGUSTING, EW.

"I'LL TRY IT IF YOU REALLY WANT ME TOO, BUT EW.

DISGUSTING. GROSS."

THE MOST IMPORTANT QUESTION OF ALL--

"SO...

"YOU KNOW, DO I, YOU KNOW...

"PLEASE YOU? I MEAN, IS MY,

"YOU KNOW, DO YOU LIKE MY,

"YOU KNOW, MY PENIS, I MEAN, THE--

"DO YOU LIKE THE TOP PART OF IT...THE GIRTH,

I MEAN, IS IT, AM I BIG--"

"OH, MY GOD. YOU'RE HUGE!

"THE FIRST TIME I SAW YOUR PENIS, I WAS LIKE,

'WHAT AM I GONNA DO WITH ALL THAT?'"

[applause]

"THANK YOU, HONEY. I KNOW YOU'RE LYING TO ME,

"BUT I COULDN'T TAKE THE TRUTH.

"I SWEAR TO GOD, I'D HANG MYSELF IN THE GARAGE.

"THANK YOU FOR LYING. I APPRECIATE IT.

I COULDN'T TAKE IT. I COULDN'T TAKE IT."

WE'RE GUYS. WE'RE STUPID.

WE DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE ANSWER,

BUT WE CAN'T HELP BUT ASKING THE QUESTION.

IT'S--I STILL DO IT.

THE OTHER DAY, I BLURTED OUT, "HONEY,

HOW MANY TIMES DO YOU FAKE IT?"

SHE'S LIKE, "YOU MEAN, LIKE, A PERCENTAGE?"

[laughter]

"YOU MEAN YOU HAVE A PERCENTAGE?

"THERE'S A NUMBER ON IT ALREADY?

WELL, WHAT IS IT?" SHE GOES, "ABOUT 35%."

SHE GOES, "AND THAT'S PRETTY GOOD."

"YOU FAKE IT MORE THAN ONE OUT OF EVERY THREE TIMES,

AND THAT'S GOOD? HOW IS THAT GOOD?"

SHE SAID, "DON'T WORRY.

YOU ALWAYS BELIEVE MY FAKE ONES."

AND SHE'S RIGHT, WE DO. 'CAUSE WE'RE GUYS.

OUR EGOS WON'T ALLOW US TO BELIEVE ANYTHING ELSE.

"OF COURSE SHE CAME. HOW COULD SHE NOT?

"I WAS ON TOP OF HER FOR ALMOST 45 SECONDS,

"AND THAT'S INCLUDING THE TIMES I FELL OFF.

"SHE HAD TO COME. I CAME.

"THAT'S PROOF RIGHT THERE.

"SOMETHING HAPPENED.

"I CAN'T FEEL ANYTHING FROM MY NECK UP.

"I GOT TO GO TO BED. I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE.

IT'S TOO MUCH PRESSURE."

THING IS, THOUGH, YOU KNOW, GUYS' SEXUAL ENERGY,

SOMETIMES I CAN NEVER QUITE GET A HANDLE ON IT.

WOMEN ARE ALWAYS AMAZED, YOU KNOW, WITH GUYS.

IT'S LIKE, "HOW CAN YOU BE AROUSED NOW?

WE'RE WATCHING 'BURIED ALIVE.'"

"I DON'T KNOW. I JUST THOUGHT, YOU KNOW,

"MAYBE LATER WE COULD, YOU KNOW, BURY SOMETHING ELSE.

"I WAS JUST THINKING, GOT ME THINKING.

"GOT ME THINKING, YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING, YOU KNOW?

THINKING, YOU KNOW, GOT ME THINKING."

FOR WOMEN, EVERYTHING HAS TO BE IN THE RIGHT PLACE.

ALL THE HAIR HAS TO BE GONE, OR ALL IN RIGHT DIRECTION,

RIGHT ENERGY, YOU KNOW.

THINGS CAN THROW WOMEN OFF EASILY, YOU KNOW.

LIKE, AN UNMADE BED WILL THROW A WOMAN OFF HER ENTIRE AFTERNOON.

AN UNMADE BED REPRESENTS CHAOS.

IT'S DISORIENTATING. IT'S DISTRACTING FOR A WOMAN.

A WOMAN--A WOMAN CAN'T EVEN WALK BY A ROOM WITH AN UNMADE BED

WITHOUT LIKE...

"WHAT IS THAT?

HOW CAN ANYBODY WALK BY THAT?"

"WATCH ME, HONEY. CHECK IT OUT.

"LOOK, I'LL STARE RIGHT FUCKING AT IT.

"DOES NOTHING TO ME. DOESN'T CHANGE MY MOOD,

MY DEMEANOR WHATSOEVER."

SEE, AN UNMADE BED TO US GUYS

IS PURELY A LOGIC AND LABOR ISSUE.

IT'S LIKE, WHY DO WE BOTHER MAKING THIS THING

WHEN YOU AND I BOTH KNOW IN 18 HOURS

WE'RE JUST GETTING BACK IN IT ANYWAY.

LET'S ELIMINATE THIS WHOLE MANUAL LABOR.

[laughter]

THAT'S WHY, WHEN YOU DO GET BACK IN IT 18 HOURS LATER,

YOU SPEND THE FIRST HOUR AND A HALF

KICKING THE SHEET OUT WITH YOUR FOOT.

"GOD DAMN IT, HONEY, MY FOOT'S STUCK IN THE SHEET NOOSE.

[grunts]

'CAUSE WE'RE GUYS. WE WANT TO GO TO BED,

WE GO TO BED, WANT TO GO TO SLEEP,

WE GO TO SLEEP, BUT IF WE'RE IN BED

AND WE'RE AWAKE, WE WANT SOMETHING.

WOMEN KNOW THIS INTRINSICALLY.

THAT'S WHY WOMEN TRY TO SNEAK IN BED LATE AT NIGHT.

IT'S LIKE, "OKAY, SHH.

"JUST GONNA OPEN UP THE SHEET JUST A LITTLE BIT.

"OKAY, I'M JUST GONNA PUT IN ONE TOE.

"JUST ONE TOE.

"JUST HALF A CHEEK, HALF A CHEEK.

"SHH, SHH, I'M ALMOST IN.

"I'M ALMOST IN. SHH. SHH.

"OKAY, ALMOST IN. SHH.

"OH, YOU'RE UP.

"WELL, I'M GONNA GO DO LAUNDRY FOR TWO HOURS.

"IS IT 1:00 IN THE MORNING?

"I'M GONNA REARRANGE THE LIVING ROOM FURNITURE.

"THIS SHOULD GO OVER HERE.

THIS LAMP DOESN'T NEED TO BE HERE."

WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL, LADIES?

COME ON, WE'RE BOTH HORIZONTAL.

WE DON'T HAVE AN EXCESSIVE AMOUNT OF CLOTHING

AT THIS PART OF THE EVENING.

WOULDN'T TAKE THAT MUCH ENERGY,

JUST ONE OF US TO LEAN ONE WAY OR THE OTHER.

TRUST US, IT'S NOT GONNA TAKE THAT LONG.

"NO. WHY?

"BECAUSE I'M TIRED.

IF YOU WANTED TO, YOU COULD'VE DONE IT EARLIER."

"EARLIER? WHEN, IN THE AFTERNOON?

SO I'D HAVE TO MAKE THE BED ANOTHER FUCKING TIME."

[laughter]

NEXT TIME SHE SAYS THAT, GUYS, TAKE HER UP ON IT.

COME HOME IN THE AFTERNOON, BUT YOU DON'T HAVE TO MAKE

THE BED AGAIN IF YOU DO IT IN THE LIVING ROOM.

HA, HA!

ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS THIS TO THE COUCH.

AND MAYBE THIS.

"I CLEANED IT UP, HONEY!

JUST LIKE YOU TOLD ME TO."

COMMUNICATION IS EVERYTHING TO A WOMAN,

BECAUSE WOMEN ARE MORE VULNERABLE.

WOMEN WANT YOU TO EXPERIENCE WHAT THEY EXPERIENCE,

TO FEEL WHAT THEY FEEL.

THAT'S WHY WOMEN WANT TO TELL YOU WHAT HAPPENED

TO THEM DURING THE DAY.

NOTHING THAT HAPPENS TO A WOMAN DURING THE DAY IS INSIGNIFICANT.

EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENS TO A WOMAN DURING THE DAY

IS AN EQUAL OPPORTUNITY EVENT,

WHICH MUST BE RETOLD IN GREAT DETAIL.

WHEN A WOMAN TELLS YOU ABOUT HER DAY,

IT ACTUALLY TAKES LONGER TO TELL YOU ABOUT THE DAY

THAN THE FUCKING DAY TOOK ORIGINALLY.

THE MOST DANGEROUS QUESTION YOU CAN EVER ASK,

"OH, HOW WAS YOUR DAY, HONEY?"

"HOW WAS MY DAY? HANG ON."

[laughter]

"ANYWAY, CAROL COME OVER. SHE JUST SHOWS UP.

"SHE'S ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE. SHE DOESN'T CALL.

"SHE DOESN'T TEXT. SHE JUST SHOWS UP, YOU KNOW?

"ANYWAY, YOU KNOW, SHE'S JUST TALKING ABOUT HERSELF,

"'CAUSE SHE'S DEPRESSED, "AND SHE'S DIVORCED,

AND SHE'S DIVORCED, "AND SHE'S DEPRESSED.

"AND OF COURSE SHE CAN'T SEE THAT,

"BECAUSE THAT WOULD TAKE SOME INTROSPECTION ON HER PART,

"AND SHE'S INCAPABLE OF DOING THAT.

"ANYWAY, OF COURSE, SHE NEVER ASKED ME

"ANY QUESTIONS ABOUT MYSELF, 'CAUSE WHY--

THAT WOULD--CARE ABOUT SOMETHING "OUTSIDE OF HERSELF.

"SHE'S INCAPABLE OF DOING THAT, BUT ANYWAY.

"SO SHE'S TALKING, YOU KNOW, AND SHE STARTS CRYING,

"IT'S NOT ONE OF THE CRYING THAT YOU CARE ABOUT.

"IT'S NOT ONE OF THOSE CRYING LIKE [whimpers]

"YOU KNOW, WHERE YOU FEEL SORRY FOR HER.

"IT'S ALWAYS ONE OF THESE CRYINGS

"WHERE THEY JUST LOSE IT, LIKE, [moans].

"IT'S LIKE, GET HER OUT OF HERE, YOU KNOW, IT'S ANNOYING.

"ANYWAY, AND SO SHE'S TALKING,

"AND I GOT TO PICK UP THE DRY CLEANING, YOU KNOW.

"I GOT TO GO PICK UP THE KIDS, RIGHT?

"AND I GOT TO GET UP, YOU KNOW. MY MOTHER'S WAITING FOR ME.

"AND SHE'S TALKING, TALKING, AND FINALLY, I GOT THE CAR KEYS,

"GOING, 'HELLO, CAROL, OTHER HUMAN BEINGS ON THE PLANET,

"'HELLO, HELLO,' AND FINALLY, I'M IN THE CAR,

"I'M DRIVING AWAY, HER UTERUS FALLS OUT.

"I'M EMBARRASSED. SHE'S EMBARRASSED.

HER UTERUS IS EMBARRASSED."

GUYS DON'T QUITE KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ALL THIS INFORMATION.

DO I NEED TO REMEMBER ANY OF THIS BULLSHIT FOR LATER?

CAN ANY OF THIS COME BACK AND BITE ME IN THE BALLS?

AFTER A WHILE, GUYS GET PRETTY GOOD.

THEY CAN PRETEND THEY'RE INTERESTED

IN WHAT THEIR WIFE'S SAYING.

EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE, THEY CAN THROW IN ONE OF THESE.

"NO! SHE DID NOT.

THAT BITCH."

YOU CAN USUALLY SNEAK OUT OF THE ROOM AFTER THIS.

"YOU ARE SUCH A GOOD FRIEND TO HER."

BUT GUYS FRUSTRATE WOMEN.

WE DO, BECAUSE GUYS COMPARTMENTALIZE.

GUYS BREAK UP THEIR LIVES IN DIFFERENT SEGMENTS.

WOMEN HATE THAT BECAUSE THEY FEEL EXCLUDED.

WOMEN DON'T WANT TO FEEL EXCLUDED, YOU KNOW.

GUYS PUT THEIR FRIENDS HERE AND THEIR WORK HERE

AND THEIR FAMILY HERE, THEIR MOM HERE,

THEIR KIDS HERE, AND THEIR WIFE HERE.

WOMEN HATE THAT.

THAT'S WHY WOMEN HATE FOR US TO HAVE FUN WITHOUT THEM.

"IS THAT FUN? WHY CAN'T I GO?

"I LIKE TO HAVE FUN.

"IF IT'S SO FUN, BRING ME.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH A LITTLE FUN WITH ME?"

GOD FORBID YOU EVER HAVE FUN WITHOUT YOUR WOMAN AROUND.

YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO PLAY IT WAY THE FUCK DOWN.

"SO HOW WAS THE BACHELOR PARTY?"

"FUCKING SUCKED.

"I WAS BORED TO TEARS WITH ALL THOSE...TITS.

"COULDN'T WAIT TO GET AWAY FROM THOSE...TITS.

"I WAS DYING TO COME HOME TO YOU

"TO HEAR HOW YOUR DAY WAS.

LET ME GET THESE SPARKLES OFF ME."

[laughter]

[grunts]

OF THE HUNTER-GATHERERS, YOU LADIES ARE THE GATHERERS.

WOMEN ARE MULTITASKERS.

WOMEN ARE CAPABLE OF DOING TWO, THREE,

SOMETIMES FIVE THINGS ALL AT THE SAME TIME,

BUT YET INCAPABLE OF JUST DOING ONE THING.

WOMEN NEED TWO OR THREE TO FEEL IN THEIR GROOVE.

NOW, MULTITASKING IS JUST A NICER WAY

OF SAYING "SCHIZOPHRENIC."

GUYS ARE SINGLE-TASKERS, SINGLE-FOCUSED BEINGS.

WE DO ONE THING, PRETTY GOOD AT THE ONE THING,

BUT ONLY ONE THING, WHICH FRUSTRATES WOMEN

TO NO END BECAUSE WOMEN CAN DO SO MANY THINGS.

YOU KNOW, WOMEN LOSE IT ON US ALL THE TIME,

WHERE IT'S LIKE, "DID YOU NOT HEAR THE KIDS

"DOWN HERE FIGHTING AND BREAKING SHIT?

COULD YOU NOT HEAR ANY OF THAT?"

"I DIDN'T HEAR ANYTHING. I'M MAKING A FUCKING SANDWICH.

"WHAT HAPPENED?

"WE HAVE KIDS? WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN?

THIS IS SHIT I NEED TO KNOW."

YEAH, WOMEN CAN'T TURN IT OFF, AND I'LL LEAVE YOU WITH THIS.

EVEN DURING SEX, WOMEN ARE STILL THINKING

ABOUT ALL KINDS OF OTHER THINGS.

GUYS, IF YOU'RE JUST LEARNING ABOUT THIS NOW, I'M SORRY.

I KNOW IT'S A BIG BLOW TO OUR EGOS.

NO MATTER HOW WELL WE THINK WE'RE PERFORMING,

WITH THAT ONE ARM UP THERE, SUCKING IN YOUR GUT.

OOH.

WITH THAT SEXY LOOK ON YOUR FACE...

DOESN'T MATTER.

IN HER HEAD, SHE'S THINKING...

"WHAT AM I GOING TO WEAR TO THAT BABY SHOWER?

"I'M THIRSTY.

"WHAT DID I EAT TONIGHT? I FEEL GASSY.

"HE BETTER FINISH SOON...

"OR I MIGHT HAVE TO FAKE ONE.

"DID HE LOCK THE FRONT DOOR?

"HE'S NOT COMPLAINING

ABOUT THOSE CHRISTIAN LOUBOUTIN SHOES NOW, IS HE?"

THAT'S WHY IT'S IMPORTANT, GUYS,

ALWAYS REMEMBER, DURING SEX,

ALWAYS GIVE A LITTLE SLAP ON THE ASS, LIKE,

"HEY!

"FOCUS!

"I'M INSIDE YOU RIGHT NOW!

TAKE CARE OF THAT OTHER SHIT LATER!"

THANK YOU SO MUCH.