Original subtitles

JAKUBISKO FILM presents

a chilling city comedy

Oh man... Stop it.

- Hello? - Hi! I'm on my way.

I got stuck in a traffic jam. In a cab...

No foreplay, no afterplay...

A normal baptism with a normal priest, in a normal church.

And I want that grating! Thanks!

What baptism? You got a kid?

- Jesus... - Adam!

Adam, you got hitched already?

Are you crazy? The wedding's in the fall.

Oh.

We're launching a CD.

You're destroying yourself. Diabetes is really dangerous.

- I want you to cool it for once. - What do you mean?

Well, you don't even have a flat!

Sure you won't think about it?

- This is for you. - My IQ is 167, I've got a good job,

I've always got it ready for you,

an orgasm like a blown volcano!

Look, we fuck. Nothing else. Got that?

Got it. You get laid and I sleep alone.

Will you invite me, Mr. Groom?

Your boss, the one you love, is also married!

He's not!

And if I want, he'll never marry that blonde Slovak girl.

And how will you do that? Turn her into an elephant?

I might if I need to.

- Your wife can wash them next! - Thanks.

He came to me and we made love all night.

In the morning I woke up alone and I've never seen him since.

Then six months later I heard he was dead.

He had a malignant tumour in his rectum...

He didn't want me to be there when he was dying...

Poor soul! He didn't want her to see him dying...

How romantic!

Who knows what a soldier, dying without a weapon, thinks...

What an idiot!

Starring

Producer

Story By

Screenplay

Script Editor

Edited By

Music

Art Director

Sound

Director Of Photography

Directed By

Adam!

You have a hard on again. Don't you want it?

No, I am lazy.

Anyway, I told you that today's the last time.

From now on I'll only fuck my wife.

- So no then? - No, wait...

OK. You can give me head...

You're so naughty, teddy bear.

What are you doing?

- That was him again. My boss. - Oh yes, important information!

Give me two invitations. I'll go with him.

- Could we talk about this later? - OK.

Ouch! Don't use your teeth!

- You're too sensitive. - Can't you do it

like any other woman with your lips and tongue?

- Did I tell you I found a cat? - Yes, a thousand times.

- Wait... - Where are you going?

Here kitty, kitty, kitty...

You can't just... in the middle, girl! Are you stupid or what?

You should take a chill pill too!

I left her in the bathroom.

- What should I call her? - This little cretin?

You can fuck off too!

You're a real bastard.

...It's as dumb as you. You'll get along fine.

Adam! The invitations!

- What good are they to you? - Last wish...

Maybe I'll get hitched before you, you rock star...

You are lucky.

The last two, baby.

Michal! Hey man, Michal?

What's up with all this?

Can't you see? We're auditioning a singer...

A singer?

Well OK. A dancer.

- Do we need a dancer, man? - No.

So get rid of her!

Wait!

- Who is she? - Don't know. One of your fans.

Oh? Send her up then...

He's well known.

- Why are you telling me Sabrina? - You are with Zikmund every day.

I'm just an assistant, the boss will take you more seriously.

And he might also think that I'm involved with him

if I push him like that.

- And you aren't? - Of course I am.

- I'm sorry. - You're really something!

- Sabrina! - Yes?

When you take that medication

regularly you should have a check up

from time to time

I know. I'm really sorry.

I promise I'll come.

Thanks so much. But you won't help me with my boss?

Yes, I will. We eat at the Green Dragon every Saturday.

You're a fantastic woman, Viola!

I really don't know what I'd do without you.

He's half Czech and half Italian.

He's crazy, but you'd never be bored with him.

- I'm not bored. - I know...

My Zikmund is wonderful.

I believe he is. Thank you very much.

- Goodbye! - Goodbye.

I'm sorry, I forgot.

Thanks.

You don't know shit, girl.

No cock belongs to you even if you think he's wonderful.

Have you ever really been in love?

Of course. It was really something.

And how long were you together?

About a year. Here.

Once we were doing it all night.

She was wild.

I thought she wanted to have a baby with me.

But at the dawn she got up and left.

Was there any reason?

No. But a week later she texted me.

Said she loved me madly, but she had to leave me.

She had a rectal tumour and didn't want me

to be there when she was dying.

She was so selfish.

She shouldn't have written so you wouldn't know.

She didn't want me to suffer...

We can't grasp the thought

processes of one who's dying.

It's a totally different state of mind.

Damn!

Just when... Wait!

Come on, Jarousek! I'm in a rush!

That's our soundman.

Catch!

Thanks, soundman!

- Go! - Bye!

Bye!

Did you like it at all?

Yeah.

Do you know what today is?

- No idea. - Our anniversary...

Here's your anniversary present.

Should I open it now or wait until after my shower?

Whatever you want.

Okay then.

What could it be?

A surprise. But no!

Oh, I'm so happy!

How did you know I wanted this one? Oh, pictures!

- We're soul mates. - Jesus. Really?

Oh, what a pity. Thanks!

I've never done it with anybody before.

I know.

And now I'm gonna be stoned.

We will both be.

If you're high, it's - it's like, empathetic...

Do you like me at least a bit?

Course I do.

Look, I can't even do it if I'm not in love.

And how will you make love to me?

- The usual way. - What's "the usual way"?

First the foreplay and then coitus.

Oh God... Don't say "coitus".

Describe it for me.

Look, first you get undressed.

You won't undress me?

I don't know

where all your buttons and clips and all that are.

I won't find them, I'll get depressed

and I won't get it up.

And then I'll turn you around,

I pull you closer so you feel...

...my erection on your crotch.

Don't say "crotch".

- Why not? - Don't know. It's weird!

Which anniversary this time? First date, first kiss, or what?

You really don't know? That's pretty sad, sweetheart...

Jesus Christ! I can't take this any more!

Can't you just tell me what event it is?

Today is exactly 13 weeks since our wedding.

In a week it'll be 14!

Are you gonna bug me about it for the rest of my life? Get out of here.

But it's good that we keep remembering it!

Dear God, what are you punishing me for?

And what is our little honeybunch doing here?

Our little honeybunch is taking a shit here! Close the door and get out!

God! At least one room

where I can get away from you!

- You'll like it! - And then what?

Then I'll caress your back and fanny...

But this is my stomach!

Then I'll lower myself down

and gently bite your nipples...

Maybe harder...

Then I'll lick your navel...

Careful! It's pierced!

I thought you'd love me like this for a year, maybe two

and then it'd be nothing special.

- But you keep worshipping me! - But you are my goddess!

Jesus Christ! You should see a shrink!

You're totally hooked on me! I can't take it.

I need to live a normal life, sort out normal things,

and not obsess about what anniversary it is!

- Give it to me! - But you don't have to obsess.

I'll do it for both of us.

What are you talking about? You get offended when I don't know!

Why don't you go out with your buddies sometime?

For a beer, to a pub, watch a football game...

Or even a whore hose!

To a whore house, honeybunch?

At least you'd learn something! Even sex with you sucks!

So you didn't like it...

What am I doing wrong?

You're too nice to me.

But that's why you married me. I love you.

Couldn't you love me a bit less then?

Why don't you talk dirty to me?

You wouldn't like that, sweetheart...

How do you know what I like? Have you ever asked?

Why don't you ever shout at me, "You bitch"?

Well, I'll try if you want.

Could you at least get the damn phone?

- Sabrina. - Hi.

Hi, angel face, you're doing that launch on Wednesday, right?

- Sure. - Yes?

I'm doing the sound. Wait... Where are you going?

Look at me! Where do you think I'm going?

I might have a job for you.

Could you stop by today?

Today I'm ready to go to a whore house...

Bye.

Hello? Jarousek!

Shit!

And then what?

I'll put my head in your lap and I'll caress you all over your body.

Then when I feel you opening to me, I'll lay you down...

How long will you caress me all over?

A long time...

You beast!

Oh shit, the cops!

Get down fuckers!

Kiss my crotch!

Kiss my erection!

Run!

I'm totally high on you!

Me too! Get on!

- Go, go! - Come on!

And when you are lying down, I'll slide into you.

Nice and gently, so I feel the pressure of your hymen...

Don't say "pressure"... And will you keep kissing me?

- Of course I will. - How passionately?

Very... the most. Like that...

- Who? - Brad Pitt.

OK... Keep going!

That's everything. Then I'll just fuck you.

Don't say "fuck"!

Hold on!

And you won't, you know, inside me?

No. Don't worry. I'm careful.

- Hey, but what's your name? - Kristyna.

Open it!

- I can't! - The guitar! Hurry!

Go home, Kristyna!

See you, Adam!

You're hot today, Angelina!

We'll never get it done at this rate.

Thanks!

You Italian! Who taught you?

You know, old school!

That'll be Asako! She's definitely writing

that she's desperate and asking why I'm not at home.

She wants me to drink tea with her and sit on my ass at home.

Why not write and say you're taking my picture?

Because she'd think I was fucking you!

She is dependent on me and hates my work.

Thanks. That's tough luck, hippie!

Not really. We have our agreement.

I don't worry about what she does and where she is.

Because you know she's home waiting for you.

If only my old man wasn't always home...

But she doesn't know anybody here...

OK. Trumpet to the right and spread your legs!

Bravo... Bravo... Bravo.

Like this?

During sexual excitement the amount of blood flowing to these areas

rises significantly and at the same time its outflow is prevented.

As the penis grows erect, the foreskin is pulled back,

so the head can be stimulated leading to orgasm...

Post coitum.

After ejaculation, excitement drops and the penis returns

to its flaccid state.

Women like rougher men, don't they?

Don't worry about it.

The main thing is that you like it, darling.

It's ironic.

I'm gentle so I must go to a whore house.

You can buy anything here.

Even love?

You get the illusion of love for a limited time and price.

Is that a Chinese symbol?

No, it's the symbol of medicine.

Is your man a doctor?

No, I'm going to be a doctor. I'm only here part-time.

Anyway, I've an exam tomorrow.

I feel so good with you!

- That's why I'm here. - May I?

Yes. You still have 10 minutes left. Make the most of it.

- I've fallen in love with you... - That's not why I'm here.

Just what I expected.

Look what she's written!

- What? - She's afraid of gremlins.

Of what?

Gremlins. She sometimes sees gremlins under the bed.

Yeah. I see your geisha knows what she's doing.

- With gremlins? - No, with you!

Now you've got to be thinking about her

and whether you should go home!

It's just one of her games. If I go now, she'll pretend to be asleep.

And I'll sit there like a dolt.

That's what she wants. That's what my old man does too.

So come on then!

When we married, she loved my freedom and my job.

It's all fucked up again... She's not answering...

What did you write to her?

Good news. That I'll come as soon as I'm finished here.

I know that one. You can't win...

Hello!

Kleo! You are still here? I love you!

Come with me. We'll run away together.

We'll be happy together.

Away from people, from the rest of the world!

I still believe in true love!

Stop bugging me! Go home!

Listen!

Love is

what we need to live!

- Get rid of him! - I want to marry you!

- Closing time, wacko! - But I haven't finished.

I love her! I'm going to marry her...

Sure, and I'll be your bridesmaid.

So many loving couples everywhere.

But is there really so much love?

Schopenhauer may be right when he says love is just an illusion.

Just nature preserving the line.

Get going now. Shall I call you a cab?

- No, I came by car. - Bye!

Christ! I'll never get you finished!

This can't be true! Listen: I'm sorry, love.

I'm so looking forward to seeing you. I'll wait up for you.

Hey! Can you let me down now?

Just get ready, Asako!

This is my first ever victory!

- What are you doing? - Just one more thing and I can

taste the fruits of victory...

What are you doing? Where are you going?

Let me down!

Don't forget to close the door!

Fuck you! Don't leave! Come back!

Jesus Christ! You... You Italian bastard!

Hear me? Come back! Jesus Christ! What a day!

Lousy hippie! Let me down!

Whoa! Man...

Jesus... What are you doing?

What are you looking at, twit?

My name is Kristyna...

Next time no Walkman!

- Twit. - Kristyna, man!

Bye!

Fuck! Wax!

Stupid candle! I was almost there.

You work me hard! I'll be worn out by the time I get home...

Do we always have to look at your wife while doing it?

It's a moral thing.

When they are here with me, I know what's really important.

- And what is important? - La familia, amica...

Yeah, the family, of course.

Hey, let's go, or we'll miss it!

This meeting is important for me too...

I stink like an old whore. What did you spray on yourself?

Armani from you, love. Don't you like it?

Well yes, but you don't have to bathe in it!

A good cover sells. It's especially true with classical music.

And good photos make good covers. But good photographers are few.

It needs more romance, something sweeter.

And violins! I hear a saxophone.

That will not be a problem.

I have beautiful models.

So here's to excellent photographs! I'll take you!

To cooperation and beautiful women!

I'm glad that Sabrina introduced us.

Do you know the band The Grate?

Are they on our label?

- No. - Then they suck!

- I've already heard them... - And did you like them?

Not bad.

Good that you don't work for us.

I've got tickets to the launch party of their new album.

Would you like to go together with Viola?

- Look! - I don't have the time.

So maybe the two of us could go together?

Could I, darling?

Why do you ask me, Viola? If you want to go, go!

Am I your boss or something?

- When is it? - Wednesday.

So enjoy yourselves, girls! The Grate...

Enjoy it...

Jesus! Wednesday! I completely forgot!

Wednesday is my mum's birthday!

That's too bad... Well, you could take her, what do you say?

You're a real bitch!

So, on Wednesday. But don't screw her, you beast...

A very interesting idea...

Get back to Asako before the gremlins get her, okay?

- Drop me off at my place? - Nope.

The dice are thrown. Get it moving, Italian!

Thank you.

I baptize you

in the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit.

Unlike this, Woodstock rocked!

You were there?

Oh yeah...

Young man! Young man!

Could you turn down the sound?

- What? - Turn it down!

The church is not structurally sound!

- Yeah... - So the belfry doesn't fall!

Let's get out of here, so we can talk.

You have great features!

What did you say?

I can't hear you! I'm too high...

High?

I don't know why I fell for you...

It's those blue eyes of mine...

I've never cheated on him before...

It's always been my curse.

I look at a woman and then I can't prove I don't want to fuck her.

You've got a child...

If Lennon hadn't been shot, he would have been his godfather...

My Asako is Yoko Ono's niece.

It's always the same with my man.

So why are you still with him?

Who should I be with?

Hey, I hate it when women put down their man.

When I think of Asako doing it too it kind of pisses me off...

So what's really wrong with him? What upsets you so much?

Well during sex he doesn't give any sign that he's near orgasm...

I hold back and then he just comes unexpectedly...

Hey, amica, somebody's there, pointing something at us...

Get down!

What do you actually do?

- Why? - That someone wants to kill you!

Why me? What if they want to kill you?

Me?

But I'm a nurse, I've never hurt anybody.

Shut up!

But then again...

What "then again"?

I'm sure they were antibiotics.

They're going for you...

It's pretty irresponsible to lure a married man into a car

when there's a psycho after you!

Don't get hysterical! Think of something!

And what should I think of?

Can't you see I'm stressed out?

One stupid orgasm... Maybe my last!

It wasn't even worth that much!

And you think I had a good time?

Let's not discuss this now!

We have to get out of here.

Any ideas?

Carefully open your door and get out. I'll follow. OK?

But how do I open it

without him noticing?

Get out! Slide...

You can go now! I can't, I have a family!

I'm not going to get killed over a stupid orgasm.

Fuck!

- Got it, Jarousek? - Yup.

- You look terrible. - Things aren't so good at home.

She smothering you, huh? Thanks.

- Not for free! - Come up to my office then.

What's wrong with just wanting normal things?

Like a house, kids, a wife...

- And a dog... - Why not?

Jarousek. You're too sensitive.

She's not happy with me!

Don't be a fool. I've known her for ten years.

She's never lasted as long with anyone else as with you.

So lesson one, alright? And then we're even...

Couldn't we start with a gentler word?

No. "You bitch!"...

- You bitch. - Did you hear yourself?

It's not how I was brought up. It's not me.

It is you, Jarousek. You've got it in you.

It's not my word.

- So adopt it! - But how?

Let's start by whispering. You bitch.

- You bitch... - Louder.

You bitch.

- You bitch. - Louder!

- You bitch! You bitch! - Louder!

- You bitch! - Louder!

You bitch!

- Shout! - You bitch!

- You like it? - Yes, I do...

- You bitch! - Come here.

- Bitch! - Come to me...

You bitch! You bitch! Are you my bitch?

- Yes, I'm your real bitch! - You're my bitch of bitches!

Come here...

- I'm coming! You bitch! - Come to me, come!

- You bitch! - Come to me!

Yeah, you don't deserve anything else,

you bitch! I'll give it to you, you bitch...

Yes... Stick it in!

More, louder! I'm your bitch!

Do it to me! ...You cow! You cow!

- You cow... - What do you think you're doing?

Are you crazy?

Get off! You!

- What happened? - Don't call me "cow"!

Nobody calls me "cow"!

Bitch doesn't bother you but cow does?

There's a big difference. Bitch is hot, cow is stupid!

Oh... I apologize. Sorry...

Pack up and get out!

Get out!

What's that you keep playing?

The sixties... The sixties...

Before your time, kid.

It was a time that will never come back...

We were not only young, but absolutely free...

Flower children, love children...

Christ's years, Easy Rider,

Jimmy Hendrix, Joplin, Olympic, Lennon and me...

That was groovy!

- Where do you get the strength? - Good then?

The best.

Like you were recharged.

Did you take some Viagra?

You know I didn't.

I never knew sex could be so fantastic even after so many years!

Am I right baby?

That's not true, Viola. It's always the same.

I love you my little tiger.

Don't pretend.

Let's do it again!

- Not now. I've had a weird day today. - What happened?

Nothing special, Viola.

I got a video. Would you like to watch it?

- What's on it? - Sex.

- Porno? - Yup.

Not now.

After making love like that I don't want to watch

some strangers doing some loveless fucking...

- Maybe it's not totally loveless... - Not now, please.

Let's have a look, and if you don't like it, I'll turn it off.

OK, darling?

Who did you get it from?

I don't know.

Now's the best part. The guy comes...

So you liked it?

As you see, it's pretty good quality.

The facial expressions. Hardcore.

- I'm sorry. - What?

I couldn't hear.

I'm sorry.

When you speak to me... Viola, look me in the eyes!

- Forgive me, love. - Don't put the word "love"

in your dirty mouth!

If I could only take it back...

You can rewind it and watch it again!

I'm so sorry!

Me too, little girl.

I wouldn't want to cause you such pain.

My girl having it off with some shithead! In a car!

How many times have you done this?

- Only once! I swear! - Don't swear. Nobody cares!

I know I made a mistake...

What mistake? You just got laid, right?!

- I was drunk... - Shut up! Drunk?

That's bullshit! Disgusting!

I tell myself it happens. Doesn't mean anything.

There's always been cheating. It's a normal human weakness

and I must be generous... But I can't.

It hurts me so much!

But it should hurt you, you whore! I'm innocent in this!

It'll never be good again!

I will try! I love you!

I can't imagine us apart.

Just because of a silly lapse!

People murder because of such unimportant lapses!

It will never happen again!

Give it to me.

Take off your clothes.

- Forgive me, please. - Take it off!

- Please, love! - Don't call me that, you slut!

Take it off!

I still see it.

How you were sitting on him, how you pulled out his dick...

...how you kissed him... he touched your breasts,

sucked on them, pressed them...

...how he held your ass. I still see it,

how he stuck it in your pussy!

That's only for me! Or at least it was.

Stop...

- Did you enjoy it with him? - No!

- Why are you lying again? - I'm not lying!

You are lying!

I'm only yours.

Oh yeah, until you get drunk again somewhere.

Forgive me, please!

I'll do anything you want.

Anything?

I swear, I swear. Anything.

So get dressed.

So enough for today, girl.

Bacchus isn't your real name, is it?

No, my artistic name. I'm a Daltonist you see.

I see! A Daltonist.

Do you know what Daltonism is?

Um, an artistic school, a lifestyle thing.

Daltonists can't distinguish between green and red...

Can I stay here overnight? I'm tired.

Of course. I won't leave you the keys.

But when you leave in the morning, make sure the door is locked.

Here are the films.

When they're developed, wait for a call and then go to the address

on the envelope.

So are you with somebody, Kristyna?

Any boyfriend? Well, I had a one...

Did you sleep with him?

I wanted to, but on the day I opted to

make love with him, he left.

Was he nuts? Why?

I didn't ask. He wrote later saying he loved me.

That he had to leave me because he had a rectal tumour

and didn't want me to watch him dying.

He loved me, understand? He loved me like crazy!

We can't understand the thoughts of a person who's dying!

It's a totally different state of mind.

Two people who belong to each other but can't be together.

Suddenly you realize it's the end,

and you'll never experience love again...

Who knows what's in store for us? Time is running out.

Perhaps we should enjoy it more.

Will you be gentle with me?

Of course I will...

It hurts!

Damn!

- What are you doing? - I'm sliding as if I were skating!

These satin sheets suck!

Don't say "suck"!

Well they suck hard!

Don't say "hard"!

- Shall we try again? - Yes.

OK, let's go...

Come, amica, come... Come...

Please, Zikmund, don't destroy it. Remember how you love me.

I know it will be hard, but I will try.

We'll get over this and be happy for the rest of our lives...

We mustn't throw it away. It was a gift that we found each other.

It's strange, but I was really turned on.

Like I had to fight for you - a matter of life or death...

You know how many people are looking for love, but we have it.

We have to take care of it, look after it.

Believe me, love... Sorry.

I won't say that if you don't like it.

I know you love me.

- I'm totally exhausted... - Just relax, love...

Don't call me that, you slut!

Married?

No way!

Doctor?

I will be.

I'll give you three times the rate if

you'll go with me -

for a drink.

I thought I'd be with her all my life.

It's so weird!

When I think that she had someone else's meat inside her.

It's only a body. It means nothing.

Do you know how many I've dissected?

Why would any widow

envy me for looking at her husband's insides?

You don't die of it.

- Just clean it and everything's OK again. - She betrayed me!

- And you've never betrayed her? - That's different.

- In what way? - I'm a man.

No emotions. Just sex.

That's what you say!

Miss! One Sex on the Beach!

Yes, all the time.

And you wouldn't want sex on the beach with me?

You'd need to be twice the size! Here's a small beer.

It would change your whole life too.

I won't let anyone change mine.

And your man knows and tolerates what you do?

He doesn't know. There are no signs on me. I don't do spanking...

Spanking?

Spank. I don't want any physical signs of my work on me.

Would you do something for me?

I need you to take this video to one Japanese woman. Today.

- No problem. - A present, you see?

There are things I even do for free.

Another whisky?

I'd like something stronger. Spanking.

Go back to that Slovak shithole you came from!

That's for the whore!

Damn! Who's coming here now?

It's morning already? Oh, this is bad. I overslept...

Get dressed. What if it's Asako...

Yes, yes! I'm coming!

- Good morning. - Morning!

I've got a little delivery for you.

Could you sign this for me?

"You can come for all your things when I am not at home,

meaning tomorrow between 12 and 4."

Is she crazy or what?

- I just don't understand Asako! - Who is Asako?

My wife! She's packed my bags!

- Marriage means nothing to her! - You're married?

Of course I'm married! La famiglia is everything to me!

So why do you fuck a virgin here?

Don't get hysterical.

That bitch Viola! She wants to ruin my marriage!

I'll kill her! Damn! I'll kill her!

What a world! Nothing works!

It's you who doesn't work!

You're such a bastard!

Asako?

Don't be hysterical! I can explain everything.

I fell asleep here and overslept.

- You fucking married man! - You think I was fucking someone here?

But I was here by myself. And I love you, Asako!

Don't speak to me in Japanese! You know I don't understand it!

- Please! Think about our family! - Shithead!

Could you sign here please?

Shithead!

And you calm down too, amica!

Don't say "amica"!

Could you sign here, please?

What are you doing here? Why aren't you at the hospital, Viola?

- You have a visitor? - Of course I have a visitor.

I see.

What? Got a problem with that?

Will you have a drink? Why don't you go and watch a video?

You're a real dickhead!

Fuck him!

What a ride...

Oh man... Good?

Great!

I'm glad.

Do you do this often?

- What? - Pick up a guy

at the bar and do it with him in the toilets.

I don't want to discuss it...

I'm interested.

Not me.

You regret it?

Like I said, it was perfect.

So don't be so scared about it.

So how often?

The first time.

You liked me so much?

Have you seen the others?

So you did.

- We could do it again sometime. - Why?

Because it was good.

Exactly.

No repeat performance.

You've got someone, haven't you?

- Yes, I do. - Of course.

And you?

Yeah, me too. I'm pretty much in love.

- Yes, love? - Did you do it?

Yes, just like you wanted. From behind.

And how was it?

- Not like with you. - Don't lie, bitch. How was it?

Good.

Did you come?

No... But I faked it.

How was his dick?

- Good. Really good. - Did you go down on him?

- There wasn't time. - You were too lazy!

- And he's still there? - Yeah.

Put him on!

- Yes... - Hello!

So? Have you fucked Viola?

- And who are you? - Her man.

Did you fuck her?

- Well, a little, yeah... - A little?

I'm not asking whether you fucked her a little!

I'm asking how many times and how long!

Well yeah, I fucked her. Hard! Enough?

How long's your dick?

Hey, fuck you, pervert!

You're the pervert! You fuck my girl in the toilet,

so I've the right to know how long your dick is!

Long. Very long.

She must have enjoyed it.

- That's how it looked. - Good morning, Sir!

I hear she didn't even suck you...

No, I just stuck it in fast.

- Real hard, yeah? - Yeah. Real hard.

That's how my bitch likes it.

- I guess so. - Put her on!

- Yes, darling... - I want you both to do it

again... but don't hang up.

- I want to hear, understand? - Okay.

And this time really suck him off...

OK love. If you want.

Not how I want, how you want Viola! Get it?

Okay...

He wants me to suck you off...

- No way. - Please...

- I'll catch hell at home... - But I can't now, and not like that!

I won't get it up!

- Please... - So what's happening?

We're getting ready, love...

Shit!

Move it! This phone bill's gonna be sky high!

We're getting started.

I've just unzipped his pants, now I'm pulling it out...

- Is he hard? - It's huge!

Put it in your mouth!

Yes, I'm putting it in...

Quick! I want to hear it.

Wow, yeah...

Oh yeah! Lick me good, all the way! Yeah!

Come on! Lick me! Yeah...

What a whore!

You don't deserve anything other than getting fucked by all the men

in the world!

- So say it, how you're doing him! - She can't. Her mouth's full, idiot!

So you describe it! Or no,

just continue.

Fuck!

What are you doing here?

Don't cry.

Come on. Let's have a drink...

Sit down, rock star.

Give her a shot.

You going back to him?

No. You were right. He's a dickhead!

I'd like a steady relationship, you know?

Like maybe even a few months...

- But I don't want to force you. - Like real love?

Not that. I'm not that naive.

Why naive? Love is pretty important.

I guess so.

Maybe I could move in with you...

Wait, wait, wait, slow down baby.

We could just see each other again then...

Of course. Why not?

But don't get attached to me, baby.

Don't worry. I won't...

I love you, Zikmund.

What are you doing here?

What are you doing here, little one?

- I live here. - Really?

- Well, I slept here. - I see!

Listen. I don't want to hurt you.

I understand that he enjoys sleeping

with a young lady like you,

but you surely know that a person can't have everything.

- We are having a baby. - What?

I know you're no selfish bitch

and you wouldn't want to deprive a child of its father, right?

Right?

Zikmund is married?

- Why didn't you tell me? - What?

You are such an asshole!

- Have you gone crazy? - Get out of here, you shit!

But I live here, baby.

- Fucking married bastard! - Fuck!!

What are you doing here?

I came to pick you up, Sir.

And I made breakfast to make you strong

for the tough work ahead. Good grief! What happened to you?

I live with a nurse but my secretary tends my wounds.

- Careful! - Sorry...

So why did you break up?

You were such a great couple...

First she sucked me dry, ruined me and then she left me!

She couldn't appreciate what she had.

Imagine! She just picked up a stranger in a bar

and did him in the toilets... Whore!

It's disgusting!

Fucking married bastard!

Married fucking bastards!

Fucking married bastards!

- Hey! Miss Kristyna! - Hi!

What's wrong?

Nothing.

Don't be sad. Need a ride?

How did you recognize me?

By your hat.

Oh yeah! Alright then.

Where to, Miss? To paradise.

It was the most beautiful lovemaking I've ever had.

I've never experienced anything like it either.

Do you believe in love at first sight?

Definitely. I do now, Kristyna.

I'm so deeply in love!

You're my knight in shining armour...

We'll be together forever, Kristyna...

The biological clock that counts down my time as a free man...

More like counting down the number of girls in your bed!

How many have you had?

Don't be stupid! That's all in the past.

I'm getting married...

...And from now on I'm only going to have marital sex.

Sure you will. So what am I doing here then?

Yeah. What are you doing here?

You're a friend, right?

Simsala-bim!

There's nothing between us now and never will be.

No feelings and no future...

Most importantly, I don't need to lie to you.

That's true. My head hurts from all that lying.

That'll be a hit, man!

Hey, are you fucking anybody else apart from your husband?

No.

And you?

Me neither...

And you wouldn't lie unless you had to, right?

I hate lies.

Me too.

Good, excellent, bravo!

Good, good, OK.

A kiss...

Good, good... Okay.

So Asako kicked you out?

She needed to own somebody. But freedom is my oxygen.

She'll be better off without me...

Did you sleep with her?

Not much, amica.

We had a kind of agreement that we could fuck whoever we wanted.

But no catching anything, getting pregnant or falling in love.

And she had to - like me -

place the family above everything else.

Every thought I think, every move I make belongs to you.

- Where have you been for so long? - I was looking for you.

You're the only thing I've been striving for all my life.

You'll keep me? You won't die on me, will you?

Of course I won't. You won't die on me?

Me neither.

Jarousek, my love.

Help me...

What are you doing, Kleo? What's this supposed to be?

- What have you put in the water? - Call an ambulance!

- Is it your period? - I'm pregnant!

Call an ambulance!

Are you giving birth in here?

Blood, you idiot! Help me for God's sake!

Okay. Wait. I understand. Damn! What's the number...

- What are you doing? - I'm calling Asako.

You idiot! Call an ambulance!

I... I've forgotten the number. If it's 150 or 158.

The fire department? Sorry, I'm calling...

Jesus! Give me the phone!

Hercigova St. 10...

Hello! Hercigova St. 10!

- Yes, yes, yes, the large studio... - My studio.

Jesus! Don't just gawk. Help me out!

Okay, good...

I'm in the first trimester of pregnancy.

And I think I'm having a miscarriage!

Don't be afraid, doc. It'll be all right. There are worse things in life.

I've never told anybody this...

I had a girl. A beaded headband, flowers in her hair...

A redhead like you...

We were really in love... the most beautiful lovemaking.

Then one day she tells me it's over.

A month later she wrote to me that

she loved me but we had to break up.

She had a rectal tumour

and didn't want me to see her dying.

You can never understand a person

who's dying!

It's a totally different state of mind and soul.

You have to close everything and come to terms with it!

Because everything you lived for suddenly loses its importance!

Blue eyes, marijuana, love and freedom...

It's all worth shit!

A week ago I filmed two people doing it in a car.

I gave the video to a friend.

I shouldn't have done it. I'm an idiot.

It's all as it should be, love. Maybe we wouldn't have met otherwise.

- You must never lie to me. - Nor you to me.

Never again!

- No, Jarousek! Don't leave me here. - I'll be right back.

I just have to sort something out, so I never have to lie to you again.

What's that important when we're together?

I'm just going to call my wife.

- Who? - My wife.

But don't worry, my love. I'll sort it right out

and nothing will ever part us again...

You're married?

Yes, she's just finished her night shift. This'll be a surprise!

Fuck!

Fuck!

Married bastard!

Damn it...

What are you doing here?

Good morning, Adam.

...Yuck...

You didn't back up yesterday's session?

My hard drive may be screwed...

Hello! Oh hi, what do you want?

I want to tell you I'm not coming home.

And that's why you're calling?

Well, don't make a mess when you get back.

- I've just finished my night shift. - I'm never coming home again.

What do you mean? Are you drunk?

No...

Well, actually I am drunk, but with love, you know.

Look, darling,

tell me when you get home, alright?

I'm in love, but not with you...

Hello! Are you there?

- Hello! Are you there? - Yes. I am.

I want a divorce.

Can't we talk about this some other time?

No. You've never loved me anyway!

Do you think it's possible? You even discuss divorce over the phone...

It's not my fault if I'm nice and you need a brute.

Don't cheek me! What about our anniversary?

It's our wedding anniversary today, isn't it?

- Fuck the anniversary! - You're coming, aren't you?

No. I'm never coming back.

And I'll have a princess and we'll be happy together

forever! And we'll have children!

You shit!

You knew from the start that I can't have children!

Drop dead!

I'll never die! You drop dead.

...The guitar case... Give me the guitar!

- What's wrong? - Glyco... glycogen...

What are you doing, princess? It'll all go up in flames!

Let it burn!

Wait, Kristyna!

- Jesus... - Kristyna!

Kristyna!

Where are you?

Kristyna? Wait...

Do you hear me, Adam? It's broken!

Fuck! Bring me sugar!

Kristyna!

- Have you seen a girl? - Yes.

- And where? - There, there...!

- Cubes or granulated? - It doesn't matter!!!

- Wait, wait! My love! - Leave me alone!

What's happened to you, Kristyna?

Wait, Kristyna!

Kristyna!

Help! Kristyna! But you love me!

You sod!

Damn!

Fuck...

That was a close call.

I better get married or I'm done for.

Jarousek...

You bastard! This is what you deserve!

Why don't they unplug him? He could be in this coma for 30 years.

What kind of life is that?

Maybe he'll wake up...

Excuse me, where can I find nurse Viola?

That way... Then take a right...

What are you doing here?

- Bitch! - Who let you in? - I'll kill you! Bitch!

Why did you have to choose me? Bitch!

Why did you have this video made?!

I'll kill you! Stop it!

You're crazy! You...!

Bitch!

I'll kill you! Kill you!

Kill you! I'll kill you, you bitch!

Putana! Fucking putana!

Help! Security!

Come, quickly! Hold him...

Get out of here! Leave her alone!

What are you doing here?

...Call the police! Call the police!

You bastard! Tie him up! He's crazy! Don't let him go!

You old crazy hippie Italian!

Jarousek...

Miss! What are you doing here? You're the one who brought him in?

It was already like that...

He's dead... Call the police, nurse!

This time you won't get away!

Maybe one day I'll fall in love with you, Sir...

We've been working together for so long

never dreaming of seeing each other outside the office.

At least I have not.

Me neither.

You won't be cheating on me?

No. I'm not the type.

And you?

If I'm satisfied I've no reason to look elsewhere...

Not even if you're drunk?

That's no excuse. People only do what they want.

Even if they are drunk, it is still them.

- Have you ever really been in love? - No.

I always knew it would end and I'd be alone again.

They always just helped me chase away depressions at night.

And do you have any chasers at the moment?

It won't be a problem to get rid of them.

You don't need to...

What do you mean? You would like me to have a lover?

Do what you feel like. I don't care.

My deepest condolences.

How can you not care? You want lovers too?

No. I just want you the way you are.

- Even with a lover. - Sorry, but that's not normal!

If you want to be with somebody, you want them to be yours alone...

- But you are not my property. - But I want to be your property!

Yes, friends!

Just like love, life too has its climaxes.

Death is really the post coitum of life, its climax,

whose meaning resides

in heaven's justice and secrecy...

Rest in peace, Jarousek!

You came from the earth and to the womb of the earth you return...

Careful - downwind...

All of you who loved him,

now say goodbye to him in the name of God!

I'm sorry for calling you a whore that time!

The real whore was the one they are throwing to the wind now...

But I've forgiven him.

Thanks. Now you.

...Here you are...

So it wouldn't bother you if I fucked some total stranger here

- and you watched me! - It wouldn't.

- It would excite you? - Extremely.

- Dear God! - I'd really like you to...

- And will you love me? - I will love you...

And will you sleep with me too?

I'll get all horny and you'll get a real ride!

I'm already horny just talking about it.

- But you won't sleep around! - No. I'll be faithful to you.

So you won't mind?

Why? At least I'll have a good time.

We'll have a good time together!

Anyway, it's better than if you beat me.

...Deepest condolences.

And so I finally lied my way through to the end.

And like every end, this one is fucked up too!

Adam, do you take Klara as your lawfully wedded wife

and promise to love her,

respect her and be faithful to her,

- and never to leave her... - Sabrina!

...through good and bad...

- Sabrina, where are you? - ...until death do you part?

Hi, love. Is that you?

That rocker Adam is almost hitched and you're not here!

No, sorry! I'll be there after the ceremony.

- This idiot just couldn't come. - So you've finished fucking?

- Of course. - That's good...

- We've just finished. - How was it?

Well...

First he ripped my clothes off,

then licked me all over,

teased me, and then we did it.

- Where? - Where?

Well, in the car. I bounced up and down,

up and down...

Keep talking. And the orgasm?

- Suck my dick... - What?

Now you may kiss the bride.

Those whom God has joined let no man part.

Let your love be to the glory of God!

Hold this!

For God's sake! The bell's clapper has fallen!

Dear God! A heart has fallen to us from heaven!

We're going to have good luck!

- Jesus Christ! He's married a whore! - Pity the whole bell didn't fall!

And there it is!

Luck does not fall from heaven.

If God wanted the bell's heart to fall,

then it was a sign! Yes, a sign.

The union of marriage has made you one body and one spirit.

But it won't protect you...

- ...from the trap of sin. - Is the jukebox broken today or what?

We each carry inside a shameful beast.

And if it awakes, it makes us soulless slaves

to earthly pleasures.

Don't forget that every love is threatened by sin,

and he who denies it, denies himself.

Without virtue there can be no love,

and without love there is no life.

I hope to wed you too.

As soon as possible. Am I right, baby?

And you?

I'm not the right creature for married life.

Let's pump up guitars a little.

- Hi, love. - That sure took you a while!

Sorry, Zikmund. I stopped for a test on the way here.

I have news for you. I'm HIV positive.

Yeah... What?

Friends! I'm married!

If you could see yourself! It was a joke!

You cow! Don't joke about that!

And my wife will soon be a doctor!

And I'll be her first patient! Isn't that right, mum?!

Can you, for just a minute, darling?

Sorry... What is it?

Don't call me "cow"! Nobody calls me "cow"!

- Wait! - Or I'll stop fucking you!

Friends! Applause for the first marital medical treatment!

Now for our check-up. Where's your blood-sugar tester?

- Get me my case! - Here, Mr. Adam.

You're the best woman I could have.

You're a real personality!

Beautiful personality...

I don't want you to die on me...

Thanks, darling!

You know, I've already been through it.

Don't worry.

I'm old enough now not to make the same mistake

I made with Asako.

- I'll be faithful to you, Viola. - I hope so, or I'll cut off your balls!

...I thought he had someone else.

But a month later I got a letter.

He wrote that he loved me but that he had to break up with me.

He had a rectal tumour and didn't want me to see him dying,

you see, teddy bear?

- We just can't understand... - Come on!

- Kleo, come on! - ...the thoughts

- of a dying person. - Here, please!

It's a totally different state of mind!

- Please, be quiet! - Yes!

You have to quickly sort everything out...

- Will you just be quiet! - ...think things through...

You wouldn't want me to suffer either, teddy bear, would you?

Look, aren't they cute?

To die for!

...Bravo, amici...

My heart broken in slivers

My heart's pulse in shivers

My heart's like a crippled horse

My heart broken in slivers

My heart's pulse...

My heart broken in slivers

My heart's pulse in shivers

My heart's like a crippled horse

The End