Original subtitles

[Man] Ira, would you like to come in?

Yes. Yes, please.

How are you today, Doctor?

Well, I guess I'm feeling...

worse and worse, really.

You know, lonely, panicked, can't focus.

Everyone bothers me lately, you know?

Everyone.

Waiters, the doormen,

people on line at the ATM. It doesn't matter who.

There's really no one I can stand to be around right now,

including myself. I hate myself.

I mean, if you're going to check your balance at the ATM,

you don't have to, you know--

not midday, not at noon.

When there's a big line,

you don't check your balance.

I mean, is it me?

Is that too much to ask?

Don't check your balance.

I mean, you can check your balance,

but check-- just check it later.

You know that story I told you about

when I had lice in the third grade?

I kind of-- I feel like I have--

[wheezes]

Mostly I just feel...

I just feel fat.

I just...feel fat.

I just-- I--

oh, just very fat today.

Lea says I carry extra weight

so I don't have to face my real failures.

I don't know why Lea and I stay together.

I mean, breaking up 11 times in one year can't--

well, not 11, but, like, seven.

Well, that-- that was one...weekend thing,

so, like, six.

I wish I could stay here all day.

You know?

I feel, uh-- I really-- I like this couch.

I like this couch. I like it.

And the...lighting in this room is just--

It's terrific. I never get tired of this room.

I never get tired of spending time with you.

Ira, I think we should discontinue our work here.

What?

I think this treatment has run its course.

What--

What are you f-- talking about?

Y-Y-You never speak.

You're just supposed to-- to--

To listen.

Yes, Ira.

I've been listening for 12 years,

and you're not making any progress.

This relationship isn't working.

You're breaking up with me?

I know this is painful,

but you need change.

You need to get unstuck.

Go on a trip.

Finish your dissertation already.

Just try something else.

But this is long-term analysis.

And it's been long enough.

Good-bye, Ira.

I have another patient waiting.

Oh, you-- Oh. Oh, you have another--

Yes.

♪ Pull the rip cord ♪

♪ The ship has lost its sail ♪

♪ Your mama's got a new man ♪

♪ Your daddy always fails ♪

♪ And you're eating again with them ♪

♪ 'Cause nobody loves you ♪

♪ And even fancy things ♪

♪ Have finally lost their charm ♪

♪ Go on, tell them good riddance ♪

♪ They'll never get you anymore ♪

♪ You're sleepin' again alone ♪

♪ 'Cause nobody loves you ♪

♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh ♪

[horn honks]

[honking]

♪ So come on, kid ♪

♪ Look at what you did ♪

♪ I don't know if you meant it ♪

♪ But you did yourself in ♪

♪ And now he's even having a good day ♪

♪ I'd found that we lost you ♪

♪ So ♪

[moaning]

You have no messages.

[whistling]

Dr. Friedman.

No.

Dr. Friedman.

Friedman.

Nope.

Yes, mister? What can I get you?

I'll have, uh...

I'll have a BLT with-- with fries.

Yes, mister. That's a number 5.

Wait. You know what?

Give me a, uh--

Give me the fruit salad, cottage cheese, and a--

and a...could I have some ice water?

Okay.

Actually, you know what?

Give me the, uh-- don't--

Give me the fruit salad, no cottage cheese,

and, uh...

is the Broiled Fisherman's Platter any good?

I don't know.

Right. Right. You know what?

Just, uh...

Just give me a cup of coffee, please.

So load up all your carbs with grease and butter.

That works. I'm serious.

It cancels out the carb effect.

Hi. I was wondering if I could talk to someone--

Just a second. Talking.

Uh, okay, list everything you've eaten

in the past day

and I will not judge thee.

Hi. I just wanted to talk to someone--

Oh, honey, no, no.

...about membership.

You know what you can do?

You can take this and sit over there

and fill that out, okay? Talking.

You want me-- Is it a lot of pages?

Not brain surgery. Four little pages.

Try it, okay?

[beep]

Hi, Chiquita, you have someone for a tour.

I'm sorry. What's your name, sir?

Ira.

Ira? Okay. Good-bye.

Okay, keep talking.

You know, my professor was definitely, like,

"You're the best student. You're the best student."

This job taxes you. People don't realize it,

but it's like people, people, people every day,

and you're like "Enough."

And they say it, like, influences

your whole relationship trajectory or something--

But I'm, like, I hear you. Dads are hard.

Now I understand.

We all got a cross to bear, so just--

It's hard to be you right now.

I got you a McFlurry, too, just because.

I love you. I love you, too.

Okay. Okay, this is ridiculous.

I've been waiting here for about 45 minutes--

Shit. I'm sor-- Are you Ira?

Uh...

yes.

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm just--

[giggles]

I'm Abby. I'm the, uh, sales consultant.

I'm so sorry to keep you waiting.

Oh, that's-- that's okay.

I'm sure you're-- I'm sure you're very busy.

Oh, no. Not at all. I just forgot you were here.

God, you have a great face.

What?

No, your face is just-- just good.

Just-- lips and, you know.

It's just a great-- just a great face.

Thanks. That's, uh...

Thanks.

So, uh, what brings you here, Ira?

Ira Black?

Oh, you know, just looking for a gym to join.

Your basic--

Were you feeling fat this morning or something

or old?

What?

No, I'm just always curious.

Why today, you know?

As opposed to yesterday or--

Oh, uh, nothing in particular.

You know, just trying to make a change.

Change it up.

Want a fry?

What?

Fry?

Oh.

They're hot and good.

No. No. Just a tour would be good.

Of the gym?

Oh. Okay. Sorry.

I've been here-- Okay.

...for, like, 45 minutes.

Okay. Sorry.

Um, let's get to it.

It's, uh...

It's not that great, really.

I'm sorry you waited.

Um, this is the front part.

And, uh, this, uh, is the training club.

Hey, Mare. Hey, Ab.

Uh, bulletin board, you know,

class schedules, that sort of thing.

Machines and--

The yoga room is upstairs.

Hey, Lori. You look amazing.

What do you do? You do, uh, classes,

or do you do those-- that StairMaster?

Oh, you know what?

Our StairMasters are broken.

I'm sorry.

But, uh, I don't work out.

I hate exercise.

Well, why would you work at a gym if you--

Abby.

Hey.

Hey, Henry.

Henry, this is Ira.

Ira, Henry.

Hello, Ira. Henry.

So I did what you said.

I called him up.

I've told him that it really hurt my feelings

when he wouldn't stay through the night,

and I told him I didn't want to see him anymore

if he only loved me for my body.

Good for you. What did he say?

This morning he sent flowers and a card:

"I love you. I can't live without,"

blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Tonight he's taking me to Avenue Q.

Oh, my God. I feel I'm going to cry.

I'm so proud of you.

All because of you.

Oh, please. I did nothing.

You did it. That's crazy.

I'm sorry. I--

Abby. I need you.

Oh, hey, Buddy.

I just got my head shots back.

Can you take a look?

Oh, yeah.

I think I found my young dad look.

Yes. What do you think?

Am I interrupting something?

You know, Ira's actually--

It's okay. I'm going to get going.

You obviously have your hands full.

No, no. We, uh--

I shouldn't have come.

I shouldn't have come.

But don't you want to--

No.

I feel like guys don't listen anymore

because I'm thin.

I'm like "Hello. This is talking.

These ladies can't hear you."

So I'm thinking that one for commercial.

Okay.

And then dramatic.

Mm-hmm.

And that one in the corner

for online dating.

Oh, that's a perfect choice.

I have a hard time finishing things.

Making any decisions whatsoever, really.

Oh.

The truth is I just woke up today

feeling fat, you know?

I guess I've been feeling fat lately in general,

and old-- old, too. You were right. But...

mostly fat.

I can't even quite pull in my stomach anymore.

It's like I did the thing where you pretend--

You pretend to be a pregnant woman?

Right. Or Santa Claus too many times, and now--

Now it won't go back.

Exactly. Now it won't go back.

Really?

Yeah, it's huge. Can I see?

My fat stomach?

Yes.

No one's looking. No one comes in here.

Um, the guy's back there.

Okay. I'll bet you ten bucks

I can stick mine out farther than yours.

20. 25.

Done.

Bring it.

[Abby] All right, ready? 1, 2, 3.

Oh, my God. Look at that.

That's huge. I win. I win.

All right, you win.

I'll take your 25 bucks now.

Oh, my God, I just got a head rush.

25 bucks.

I don't have any money.

What? I don't have any money.

That's okay.

Can I see it normal?

No. No, no.

Can I just see it normal, please?

Just right quick?

It's huge. I got all this loose--

There's back fat in here.

It's like--

God, I love that.

Do you have a girlfriend?

Uh--

Abby, do you have, like, three minutes?

Oh, sure, sure. But right now?

I want to try out this new monologue.

Can I do it for you?

Oh, sure, but Ira-- can Ira listen, too?

Ira, Janice. Janice, this is Ira.

Hi.

Hi, Ira. You want to listen?

Oh, no, no. No, not at all.

That's fine. Thank you.

Hell is murky!

Fie, m'lord! Fie!

A soldier and a fjord?

What--

What need...

"we fear hurt?"

So it's $699 all in.

Right, or $72.50 a month.

Plus the--

Plus the initiation fee. I know it's a lot.

It is, but with the-- with the pool--

You know what? Maybe you should take up running.

I mean, you live so close to the park,

and my dad actually belongs

to one of those groups where you meet at a certain--

Don't you work on commission?

What?

You're a terrible salesperson.

No, really, you are absolutely horrible,

like one of the worst I've ever seen.

When was the last time

you actually sold a membership to a person?

Oh, um, well,

there are a lot of renewals that come up, so--

And I have a great deal on my rent.

Really? Where do you live?

With my parents.

Well, yeah, that's a--

that's a-- that's a deal.

Yeah. Oh, it's not what you think.

I mean, I'm not a loser.

I had my own place and everything,

but they doubled my rent,

and our dog died.

Oh.

So yeah--

I'm so sorry. Thank you.

Shepherd mix, 14, so-- Do you have pets?

Oh, me? No. No.

I have a fear of perishables.

You know, pets, dairy products, produce,

anything that dies, I don't tend to--

Not for me.

I see. What do you do?

I'm a psychologist.

Right.

But I don't see patients.

I just study. I'm getting my Ph.D.

Oh, wow.

Well, trying to.

I'm-- I'm writing my dissertation,

but I can't seem to, uh--

Finish it?

Why are you so nice?

Oh, I'm not that nice.

Yeah, you are. You're highly nice.

It doesn't track.

It doesn't track? What does that mean?

It just means, you know,

what makes you tick?

Oh, uh... I don't know.

What do you think makes me tick?

Oh, well, I wouldn't-- I wouldn't--

Come on. You're the psychologist, right?

In training.

So give me your best shot.

Well, I'd just be stabbing in the dark.

Okay.

I think you're, uh...

probably the type of person...

who's scared to death of responsibility.

You're probably an only child, center of the family.

Parents thought you hung the moon.

And I'm guessing at a certain point

the pressure got so much for you

that you started rebelling and failing

and lowering your expectations in there,

so you had nowhere to go but up,

and now they probably treat you with kid gloves a bit,

sort of "Rah rah," you know,

whenever you do anything positive,

you know, because now you're a special case:

a problem child in constant recovery.

I don't know. I'm just...riffing.

Do you want to get married?

I'm close, huh?

And would you believe I'm only in my sixth year?

No, I mean it.

Right. Right.

Look, I'm going to get a membership, by the way,

increase your sales record by 500% so you don't--

What's going so great in your life?

Pardon me?

I mean, aren't you lonely?

What?

Sure, yeah. Isn't every--

So why not take a shot?

Half of all marriages end in divorce anyway.

We'd probably have as good a chance as anyone.

Is this, like, a thing you do?

Like a joke?

No. I just like you.

You do?

Yes.

Well, I--

I like you, too.

You do?

Are you worried we wouldn't be sexually compatible?

What?

Is that what's holding you back?

Holding me back? No.

I think what's holding me back

is that I don't know you at all.

I think you know so much about me.

We've been talking for, like, six hours,

and you just summed up my life in 20 seconds.

Six hours? I can't--

Oh, my God.

Yeah.

Wow.

I know.

Wow.

What?

No. No. I-- I-- I just, uh--

Are you saying just give it a whirl,

just why not because everyone's so miserable together anyway,

or becomes miserable,

that if we can enjoy six hours, then maybe we'd--

No. This is just a joke, right?

Because-- Because--

Because this is fucking crazy.

I mean, this is what takes people four,

five, six years to figure out.

You know, living together and going into therapy

and then talking about goals and--

How old are you? What?

How old are you?

Uh, how old do you, uh--

how old do you think I am?

I don't know. 34.

Uch. Great. That's-- Thanks a lot.

Oh, shit. I'm sorry. Terrific.

I'm sorry. I'm terrible at this.

Sorry. How old are you?

33.

You're 33?

Yeah, I'm 33.

Okay!

What? What are you-- What are you getting at?

That I can't afford to hold out

and go through the normal channels

because I'm-- I'm older?

What are the normal channels?

Okay, the normal channels

are, like, dinner and the movies

and, you know, meeting each other's parents.

Do you want to meet my parents? No, that's--

Oh, you would love my parents.

Should I call them?

Should I call them right now?

They'd love to meet you.

Why would they love--

Oh, I just think that they would love you.

You do?

Yeah, I do. I really do.

So do you want to have sex? What?

Just to, you know, make sure that works. Uh, what-- what--

It's the one thing we should really find out

if we're going to get married.

You don't-- Excuse me.

Don't worry. I'm on the pill

if that's what you're worried about.

No, that's not what I'm--

that's not what I'm worried about.

I think I have some condoms here.

I'm worried about that, but that's not--

that's not the first thing I'm worried about.

I mean, there's a whole host of-- of concerns here.

Oh.

Oh, are you, um...

are you not attracted to me?

What? No.

No, you're not.

No, no. I'm not saying no.

I'm-- I'm saying-- That's not what I'm saying.

I'm saying y-- I-- of course I am.

Are you sure?

Yeah. Yes.

But you don't want to have sex with me?

[moaning]

Mom! Dad! Are you here?

Ira? Is that you? What are you doing here?

I need to talk to you guys.

Darling, what are you doing?

Daddy and I have opera tickets.

Ira? What are you doing here?

Well, I know I'm unannounced,

but, uh, I guess I should just say it.

I'm getting married.

[gasp]

Sy! Can you believe this?

Oh, we've been waiting for this day!

And about time.

Where's Lea?

Where's my daughter-in-law?

Yeah, uh, that's the thing.

Uh, different girl.

Not Lea. I'm not marrying Lea.

What?

What are you talking about?

Of course it's Lea!

No, I'm not really crazy about Lea

in that way anymore.

Since when are you not crazy about Lea?

Since I don't know. A long time.

We've really become, you know,

really more like friends.

Well, how long? I mean, what is this?

What about us? We're crazy about Lea!

A wonderful girl. Very bright--

Yes, yes. I realize you're both very fond of Lea.

So you have been cheating on our Lea

with some tramp, somebody else--

No, no, not exactly.

Not until about an hour ago.

Have you been drinking?

No.

I told you.

He never should have stopped the Paxil.

Mom-- Mom--

Unbelievable. This is making me nauseous.

I have to throw up.

No, no, no. I know it sounds crazy,

but I, uh, I fell in love a little bit today,

kind of at first sight,

and, um... I'm going with it,

so I'd like you both to be happy for me,

but it's okay if you're not

because I'm the one that needs to be happy.

I wish for your happiness,

but, you know, it's not my thing--

Well, you know what I mean. You're therapists.

Analysts. We're analysts.

Whatever, Dad.

Half the world doesn't know the distinction,

but whatever.

Ira, don't disrespect your father.

Mom, I'm 33.

I think a little healthy barb now and again--

You know what? I'm not going to do this.

I'm having a great day.

I would love for you both to come to my wedding.

We would love you to come, Abby and me.

Her name's Abby. Isn't that a great name?

Abby.

Abby and Ira.

Her parents have a brownstone

with an outdoor patio,

so it'll be small but tasteful.

We're going to write our own vows.

That's about it.

She's downstairs.

I can't believe this.

Ohh...

How can you do this to me?

Oh, come on.

You're killing me, Ira!

You're killing me! Mom, please.

And I said to her, "Don't walk out that door."

And what did she do?

She walked out the door,

and that was the last time I ever saw her.

Oh, God, Tony, I'm so--

Jesus, I said I wouldn't do this.

[Mrs. Black] Tony.

Tony?

Sorry, Mr. and Mrs. Black.

I didn't realize you were there.

You must be Abby.

Yes. Oh, it's so wonderful to meet you.

Ira said you had a way with people.

Yes, we have tickets for Tosca.

We'll talk in the cab. Oh.

Now, Abby, I'm sure you're very nice.

I'm sure you mean well,

but marriage is not something

to be taken lightly.

I don't take it lightly.

I just have a good feeling about this.

Sweetheart, it isn't about feelings.

Marriage is a contract.

It isn't about feelings?

Marriage isn't about feelings?

No, it is. Of course it is.

Yeah, it's about feeling terrible and criticized.

Sy, don't start.

But, Abby, why Ira?

Mom--

Why would you want to marry Ira?

I find him adorable.

But why?

I don't know. Just--

I like his face, you know?

I like looking at it.

He's neurotic, he's picky.

Mom-- He's very high-maintenance.

And you're a walk in the park?

I'm not talking about me. Maybe we should.

Sy, enough.

How long have you two been married?

33 years.

Wow.

Long, difficult years.

Can we pull over right here?

You two need to know the truth.

It's no picnic.

Were you in love in the beginning?

Not so much. No.

What? I thought you were madly in love.

It's what we told you when you were younger.

It made you happy.

You were never in love?

That's-- That's depressing.

That's why we didn't tell you.

You learn to love.

You learn to love

because you're stuck with each other.

Ah, not stuck.

Uh, hinged.

Hinged.

You're hinged together

so that you can still move a little,

but at the end of the day,

you're always together for good and bad.

Sometimes it's good.

Sometimes it's very bad.

It hasn't been so bad, Arl.

It's been bad, Sy. Trust me, Abby.

What was, like, the worst time ever?

Ha ha ha! When he cheated on me.

Oh! What?

Here we go. You cheated on Mom?

This is ancient history.

With one of my patients.

Oh, my God. That's so Sopranos. Dad, that's awful.

She was terminating with you.

Yes. Three months later.

I'm so sorry, Mrs. Black.

Thank you, Abby. Call me Arlene.

It's like having your heart torn open.

You can't imagine the pain.

You cheated on me, too.

Before we were married. It's completely different.

Two weeks before. It's not so different.

You cheated on Dad two weeks before the wedding?

I was young. I was scared. I was pregnant.

What?

Did you have the baby?

Of course. It was Ira.

You were pregnant with me before you got married?

Darling, we've been married 33 years.

Your birthday's next month.

You do the math.

I never put that together.

So you married for Ira.

We married for Ira.

And you've stayed together all these years.

All these years.

We have a wonderful sex life.

I'm sorry. I loved them.

Come on. It was a horror show.

They were sweet. It's right here.

Wait a minute. Wait.

What-- What's their names again?

Oh, uh, Michael and Lynne.

Michael and Lynne. Lynney. Okay?

♪♪ [piano]

Guys? Daddy?

[Lynne] We're in here, sweetheart!

Oh!

♪♪ [singing]

Hello, sweetheart!

Hey! Hi, angel!

This is Ira.

Ira, Ira, Ira. Hi!

Welcome to the family!

I'm gonna like you.

Come on, one for all. Everyone in here.

I called them on Tony's cell phone.

Sweetheart, get the champagne.

It's all ready.

So this is very exciting.

When did all this come together?

Just today. Can we do it out back?

Oh, darling, of course. It'll be beautiful.

Hey, what are you going to do about music?

Ira, my parents are really talented.

Can they do a number at the ceremony?

We just won the Clio for our Snapple spot.

That's like the Oscar for commercials.

Yes, but we don't like to mention it.

Oh, Dad, you got the good stuff out.

Thank you.

This is a good year.

Of course they all are.

All right, hear, hear.

If you two are half as happy as we have been,

you're going to be the luckiest two kids around,

let me tell you.

Oh, sweetheart. Thank you.

Cheers.

Yes, indeed.

Well, welcome, welcome, welcome.

Ah!

Don't you want to ask me any questions?

Like what?

Ira's getting a Ph.D.

Hey, that's terrific.

Lynney, Ira's getting a Ph.D.

That's terrific.

You know, Michael used to be an attorney.

Is that right? Yes, siree.

If you ever need a quickie divorce, I'm your man.

Dad. Sweetheart, I'm kidding.

Look, Mr. Willoughby--

Please call me Michael or Dad.

Michael, uh, I realize

that this all seems very, uh, sudden, so--

Let me tell you something.

Every good thing in life comes all of a sudden.

Hits you like a ton of bricks.

Am I right, Lynney?

Like a bolt of lightning, Scooby.

Like a thunderbolt. It's always the way.

Good night.

Just one more.

Okay.

Good night.

Good night.

Hey, George, I'm getting married.

She finds me adorable.

[humming]

You have five new messages.

[beep]

[Arlene] Darling, I have to whisper.

We're sharing a box with the Teitelbaums.

How do you know she's not out for your money?

Who is this girl? Maybe she's a con artist.

Come on, shut up.

Maybe Abby has a multiple personality disorder.

[beep]

Where did she go to school?

[beep]

Does she know about your snoring?

[beep]

Was the sex really fantastic?

Because remember in the past, honey,

you've had trouble with maintaining an er--

Shut up, shut up, shut up.

[answering machine] End of messages.

Yes.

Crazy--

[ring]

Hello.

Hi. It's me.

Hi.

Are you asleep?

No. Are you asleep?

No.

I just wanted to, uh, say

it was so nice meeting you today

and, um, having sex with you

and meeting your folks,

and I'm really looking forward

to being married to you.

Me, too.

Even though I'm a little freaked out.

Yeah. Me, too.

You are?

Yeah. Marriage is a big deal.

That's what I said.

Do you want--

Do you want to change your mind?

No. Do you?

No. No, I don't.

Good.

Okay, good.

Uh,

do you have a lot of things?

I mean, you know, uh...

like, clothes and things?

Do you have a lot? Because I have a--

This place is-- You're going to love it.

It's a great-- It's a great place.

It's really-- It's a great apartment.

I love this place. It's big by New York standards.

It's not big by, you know,

two people living together standards,

so do you have a, uh--

You know what? I don't have that much.

Good. Fantastic.

Okay.

Is there anything you want to ask me?

Oh.

Um...

I was just hoping that we could have sex every day,

you know, like no matter what,

like even if we're exhausted

or one of us has the flu or a rash

or, you know,

guests staying with us

that we still just have to have sex every day,

like a pact.

Would that be okay with you?

Yeah. That would be, uh-- [exhales]--

Yes.

Okay. Good.

Okay.

Well...

good night, Ira.

Good night, Abby.

Good-bye.

Shit.

Shit, shit.

Shit.

[ringing]

[Woman] Leave a message after the beep.

[beep]

Lea. Hey. Hi. Uh, it's Ira.

Uh, I got to, uh, break up with you.

I-- I-- For real this time.

I'm getting married.

Okay. Take care.

[beeps]

And I promise to love you and make you happy and just--

just be great to you as long as we both shall live.

Nu, you may kiss the--

Ira. It's Ira.

Oh, sorry. That's my-- my 4:00.

Ira, you may kiss Amy.

Baby. [both chuckle]

[guests awing] [applause]

[chattering]

Aw! You did it, darling. [muttering]

Did you guys get to meet my-- my mom and dad?

Oh, are they the ones that walked in in the middle of our song?

[stuttering] I'm sorry about that. Um--

They probably just got lost in the neighbor--

Mom-- Mom, Dad, can you come here, please?

This is Mr. and Mrs. Willoughby

Ira, please. Michael and Lynne.

Lynney. We're family now.

I'm Arlene. Hello. Seymour Black.

Ira, don't tell me this is your mother? You look like his sister.

I know. Isn't she gorgeous?

She is beautiful. You really are.

Oh, no, no, no. Please. Abby is beautiful.

Well, yeah.

So, I hear you're both therapists.

[together] Analysts. Oh.

What's the difference?

Therapists talk, analysts listen. It's--

Yeah. We listen to them whine all day.

Must be draining.

Mmm. You can't imagine.

This job is responsible for every line on my face.

I don't see a one.

Well, she's had a lot of work done. [laughing]

[laughing continues]

Ah. ♪♪ [piano]

♪ And every morning, every evening ♪

♪ Ain't we got fun ♪

♪ Not much money, oh, but, honey ♪

♪ Ain't we got fun ♪

♪ There's nothing surer ♪ ♪ The rich get rich ♪

♪ And the poor get poor ♪

♪ In the meantime, in-between time ♪

♪ Ain't we got fun ♪

♪♪ [ends] [sparse cheering]

[Lynne] So, Arl and Sy, let me understand.

People pay you just to sit there and listen and not say anything?

They do.

One year I wrote all my holiday cards during sessions.

[Lynne] Really?

Mom, that's terrible. Oh, honey.

I'm just kidding.

How much do you get? [Michael] Come on, Lynney.

I'm sure the Blacks don't-- Three hundred an hour.

Really? Wow. Just to listen to--

I know. It sounds amazing.

Basically, you get paid to be someone's best friend.

How fun is that? [Seymour] Now, you see,

Abby would be great in our field

because she has a big heart.

Unlike us.

[Abby] Aw, come on. You guys both have big hearts.

No, we don't. We're old and mean and very tired.

I actually used to be very nice.

Ah, well.

You have a beautiful speaking voice.

It's like music. Doesn't she, Lynney?

It is very nice, come to think of it.

Maybe you should do voice-overs like us if you hate your job so much.

Now, that is a terrific idea. You'd be a natural.

Oh, no, no. What are you talking?

I'm not kidding. Can you hum?

♪ Hummm ♪

[people saying farewells] Thank you guys so much!

It was so great. Thank you. [gasps]

Oh, my gosh! This is the nicest car I've ever seen.

Isn't it great? We got a deal because it was so last minute.

Oh, your car is so nice. Thank you.

What's your name? Marvin. Marvin.

I'm Abby. This is Ira.

Congratulations. Marvin, 92nd and Riverside.

We gotta make it fast. I gotta get this girl in bed.

We have a rule. I got a rule, too.

The car stays clean. Nothing goes on in there. Keep it clean.

Okay. Give me a kiss.

Mmm! Do you think there's champagne? Oh, my God!

I love this car. You like it? I love it so much.

Unbelievable. How much longer? Five minutes.

Five minutes? That's what you said 25 minutes ago.

Twenty-five-- Six minutes. Six minutes.

Marvin, you've been really great, but we have to go.

No, go back in the car. Why are you rushing?

You just got married. What are you talking about?

We can try it again another time.

I want my money back!

Come on, baby. Let's go. Where are we going?

I can't believe this neighborhood.

I mean, you can't even find a cab.

We saw four cabs. Those aren't cabs.

Hey, Gypsy cabs are cabs, too.

Yeah, if you wanna die. Excuse me.

Don't start with me. They're don't have meters.

They're not licensed. You could end up in an alley or something.

[mutters] This is great. It's perfect.

It's very romantic on our wedding night to be sitting--

Hey, baby, this is our first subway ride together. That's big.

It's-- It's big.

Give me your money, bitch! Right now!

Everybody put your fucking heads down or I'll shoot!

Oh, my God! Put them down right now!

You hear me? Jesus Christ!

Find me the money, lady! Come on!

Should've taken a Gypsy cab. Shh, shh, shh.

Ten bucks? Ten bucks is all you got?

What am I supposed to do with 10 fucking bucks, huh?

Can someone tell me what the fuck I'm supposed to do now?

How much do you need?

What did you say?

Um, I said-- I said, "How much do you need?"

What?

Abby-- Do you need $100?

Two hundred? Two-fifty? What do you need?

I think I have about 50, but you should count it, okay?

I think I have 50. Yeah. You should see.

Check.

Shit.

[money rustling]

Oh, I have 55. That's great.

My dad gave me some extra for the, uh, limo.

'Cause we just, uh-- So, how much more? [clears throat]

Two hundred.

Two hundred more or two hundreds from all--

Yeah, yeah. Two hundred more.

Okay. Okay. Okay, great.

Can you just, uh-- Can you give me one sec--

Can you just give me just-- I'll try to be fast.

Excuse me, sir. Hi. Abby--

Do you have any cash, by any chance?

Aw, thank you. That's fantastic.

Give me a sec. Oh, great. Um, you know what?

I'm gonna take 40, so you have some walking-around money, okay?

So, um-- Hi there. Do you have any money, by any chance?

Uh, thank you. That's very nice of you.

Thank you. That's wonderful. Hi. Uh-- Get him next.

Do you have some cash? Yeah.

Fantastic. Thanks so much. Um-- Oh--

Okay, so, I think we've got

about 185, 186,

187.

Um-- It's okay, okay?

I really only need, like, 180, so--

Really? Yeah.

Are you sure? Okay, so-- Okay, great.

Um, so then I'll keep this. That's you.

And, uh, we're good, right?

I really only need a hundred, so--

You're kidding. Are you sure?

Yeah. Really?

Okay, well, you know what? Just-- Just take 120 just in case.

For me. Okay. All right.

All right. Everybody put your fucking heads down, all right?

Bye. Okay, so, um, I've got, uh, $67 change.

Shall we divide it?

Does everyone think that's fair?

That's my wife. Oh, yeah.

A brush with death makes you so-- I know.

♪ I've been moving 'cause my heart is true ♪

♪ Telling everyone I know about you ♪

♪ Tell you mama that you won't be home ♪

♪ Let your daddy know you're not alone ♪

♪ You're the only one I wanna do ♪

♪ Everything's new ♪

♪ And it's all 'cause of you ♪

All right. Next present.

"For Ira and Abby. Marriage is work.

Love, Arlene and Sy."

It does not say that. Yes, it does. I swear.

[laughs] Okay, well, let's see what the loot is.

[gasps] Do you think it's money? Do you think it's money?

I don't know. I bet it's money. I bet it's money.

Okay, um--

"This certificate entitles Mr. and Mrs. Ira Black

to one year of couple's therapy on us with Dr. Morris Saperstein."

Jesus Christ. [laughs]

I'm sorry, babe. That's okay.

That's all right. I'm sorry.

♪ You know I'd never leave ♪

♪ You're the only one I wanna do ♪

♪ Everything's new ♪

♪ And it's all 'cause of you ♪

[answering machine beeps] Hi, Abby. It's dad. I just--

[beeps] Abby, it's Henry. I-- [beeps]

[woman] Ab-- [beeps]

[woman] Hi, Chiquita. Oh, my God.

Oh, baby. No, no, no, no.

You can't be asleep. We have to have sex.

It's 11:58. Eleven--

Hey, Ab! In here, sweety.

I'm sorry. Class was really crazy today, and they kept me over.

Oh, no worries, baby. These are our neighbors.

This is, um-- This is Mrs. Stiplicky from 4M.

Do you know Harry? Harry. Harry Goldfarb, 3B. How are you?

Ow! I'm sorry.

Ab, can' t you just use scissors? Sorry.

♪ I know your sister ♪

♪♪ [continues, indistinct]

Dr. Friedman. Ira.

How are you today? What are you doing here?

I thought I made myself clear. Oh, you did, you did.

I just wanted to stop by and thank you so much for what you did for me

and tell you that I am doing great.

I'm a changed man!

I got married a few weeks ago. Married. Me.

Oh, not to Lea. Not to Lea. I met this amazing girl.

I went with my gut, took a leap, and I am feeling terrific.

Like a new man. Laid-back, no anxiety.

I'm having fun! I'm having so much fun!

We have sex-- great sex-- all the time.

No more issues there. What do you know?

You were right, Dr. Friedman. Thank you, thank you, thank you, and God bless you.

I thought you should know.

Good luck, Ira. I hope there isn't a catch.

Hi. Can we have the combo, please? Large and large.

Sure. What kind of soda would you like with that?

A root beer. Root beer, please.

Aw. [chuckles]

Want to save seats? You want me to go?

Sure. Okay. I'll go.

Thank you so much.

Have a good time. Thank you.

How much do I owe you? Uh, 12.50.

Wow. That's, uh-- Do you have a payment plan?

Hi. Are we sure this is diet, 'cause-- No.

Ira.

Ira. Lea! Hey.

Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey.

Hi. [stuttering] Hi.

I didn't see you there. Oh, really?

'Cause I saw you turn away.

[stuttering] It's all right. This is, um, awkward.

Yeah. This is-- Yeah.

Got enough there or-- Loading up? What? Oh.

Yeah. Abby ordered. She's a big eater.

Oh, Abby. That's your new, uh--

Wife. Yeah. Yeah. Wife.

God, that sounds pretty weird.

Pretty weird. So, how's it going?

Good. Great. Good. Great.

Great. Great again.

Really love being married. Mm-hmm.

Who would've thunk? Yeah. Not me.

So-- Hmm. [nervous chuckle]

Cheers. Excuse me. Yeah. Mazel.

So where is she? I gotta say I am really curious to--

Oh, she's, uh-- She's-- She's saving seats.

She in your PhD program? Is that how you guys-- No.

No? I just assumed, because let's face it, Ira,

it's not like you really need a lot of-- Yeah.

But-- No? Yeah, but... no.

So what does she do? Well, she's, um--

Sh-- She's in sales. Uh-huh.

You know, uh, corporate stuff. Big deals.

Big deals. Wow. Corporate dynamo.

That is... great.

Look, Leah, I am--

I'm so sorry about--

What, about the break-up message?

Or about the marrying somebody else

after you convinced me to stay with you four times this year alone

because you needed more time to figure things out?

Or are you sorry, Ira, about-- what was it? The, uh--

Oh, yeah. The intermittent erectile dysfunction?

Or the endless evenings with your parents?

Or-- [stammering] You know what? Don't-- Don't say anything,

because I should be thanking you, Ira, because I am so much bet--

Babe, it's about to start. Oh, hey, babe. Okay.

Here. Here. Seth.

Ira.

Ira? As in--

Yeah. The Ira.

Wow! Mmm.

You are not what I pictured.

Oh? Wait. How long were you guys together again?

Oh, we were off and on for about--

Nine years. Nine--

Right. About nine years.

Wow! [laughs]

Well, babe, we should probably, uh-- Okay, babe.

Are you guys seeing the Rwanda documentary?

Oh, um, no.

[stammering] We already saw it.

Oh. Was it amazing?

Uh, yeah. I mean, you know, it's as amazing as those things can be.

It's very-- It's really powerful.

We both--

Both of us-- We both loved it.

Great. Okay, well, nice to, you know.

Yeah, nice to, uh-- nice to, uh-- Enjoy-- Enjoy the film.

I mean, as much as you can enjoy--

[chuckling] Stop.

Nice to meet you, babe. Babe.

I want to see it three more times in the theater.

And I don't want to wait for it to be out on DVD.

Wasn't it good?

What are you trying for?

What? I mean, you know,

what do you want to be when you grow up?

Oh. [laughs] I don't know. I don't know.

Maybe I should be a therapist like your dad said.

Oh. That'd be great. You'd probably just become one just like that.

No class, no studying. Just open up shop

and people would come in droves, pay whatever you want.

Probably win an award.

That's mean. No.

Honey, no. I'm just saying you--

you have such a way with people.

No. You were saying I don't work hard

or try for things or have any direction,

and you resent it. I did not say that.

You implied it. Well, maybe I implied

all the rest of that stuff but not that I resent it.

Do you resent it? No, sweetie.

No.

A little. I do a little.

[scoffs] Sorry.

No, I'm just saying, don't you have something you always wanted to do?

Like a career? No.

Oh, come on. Selling memberships at a health club--

or should I say deterring people from buying memberships--

can't be the grand plan, the life plan.

Why can't it? Well, I mean-- What do you mean?

You mean, like work your way up to manager of the gym?

No, I just mean work at some job that you like and make enough money to live.

Why can't that be the plan? I don't know. I mean,

don't you want to be something?

I am something.

No, of course. Of course.

What if I just wanted to be your wife?

That fancy enough?

[Man] So, Ira, you're having a problem

with what you perceive to be Abby's lack of ambition?

No, no. It's just--

Well, she's a smart and talented girl

who could do anything, and she-- she--

You know she went to NYU? I went for a year.

Mm-hmm. How did you feel about that?

Fine. I didn't like it.

Now, Ira, you're not fine with it?

No, um, it-- it's fine. It's just--

Well, as you know, Doctor, all the studies say

couples should be two autonomous individuals who coexist--

never dependent on one another, just in each other's spheres.

Abby, do you feel like you're dependent on Ira?

Well, I have, uh, a job and a lot of friends, so I don't think so.

But... I don't know. You tell me.

I've never been in therapy before.

Is that right? Yeah.

How does it feel so far?

Fine, thanks.

Oh.

And what about you, Ira? Do you have a lot of friends?

I, uh-- [clears throat]

I, uh, choose to, uh, spend a lot of time alone.

And with Abby.

Right. Of course.

But you're worried about Abby's dependency issues?

Look, the thing is, she doesn't really do anything.

She-- She-- She-- You know, she just has a fake kind of job and no goals.

And a couple is supposed to-- Yeah.

He always explains about the, uh, rubber band theory and, uh, the magnet one.

That-- That is what we doctors do.

We, uh-- We create these theories, and then we, uh--

we try to explain the mysteries of human behavior,

and it's all just a little-- [whistles] crazy.

What-- What are-- What are you talking about?

No. The rules are is that a couple is supposed to be

two autonomous individ-- [whistling]

They're supposed to be-- [Abby] I know.

It just doesn't seem like any fun that way, right?

I mean, my parents have been married for 32 years,

and they've never been apart for more than a day, so--

You know, who are you supposed to believe, a book or just what you think feels good, right?

Whoa, Doctor, tell her we can't go around, you know, feeling good all the time.

It's not-- [stammering] It's just not done.

♪ Soy Wonder, Soy Wonder ♪

♪ The taste of milk ♪ ♪ Without having a cow ♪

♪ Soy Wonder is creamy and dreamy and wow ♪

♪ In Spanish, "soy" means ♪ ♪ I am ♪

♪ In English it means delicious ♪

♪ Soy Wonder ♪

"May contain trace amounts of dairy products.

"If you're lactose intolerant, please consult a physician

before enjoying Soy Wonder."

Joe, that was great. I think we got it.

Great.

That's it? My day rate, you know, is 18 grand.

You want to do it again?

Nope.

See you soon, Mike. Always a pleasure, Joe.

[Joe] All right. Joe Buck, ladies and gentlemen.

Mr. Buck, I am such a fan. Aw, thanks so much, Billy.

Uh, Bobby is actually, um--

What do you know? You came!

Hey, I just called you on a whim. I didn't think--

I just didn't know. Come on in.

I had a patient cancel at the last minute,

and, uh, my office is nearby, so I thought, what the hell.

Well, it's just so great to see you.

Oh, no. Well, thanks.

You have such a wonderful voice.

Oh, no, no. You know, I just fool around and sing a little now and then.

Just-- You know, just showing off. [laughs]

So, you want to see how this whole deal works?

Well, uh, I-- [stammering] Yeah.

Jimmy, can we record that Bliss Spa track now?

Yeah, yeah. Sure, Mike.

Right-- Right now we're gonna--

If not now, when? Play one for me, Jimmy.

Okay, now, listen [tape whirring]

and concentrate.

You're gonna hear three beeps.

Are you listening? [mutters]

Here's what you're gonna do.

You're gonna say the first line here kind of sweet.

You can do that, can't you? I'll try.

The second one a little deeper, like you're whispering.

The third one even deeper, kind of throaty.

Then on the tag, I want a heavy sigh.

You can give me a heavy sigh, can't you?

Spaaah.

Aaah. You want to give it a whirl?

Well, uhhhh-- Yes.

I can't believe you won therapy.

I won it? It's not a competition.

Oh, yes, it is. Yes, it is. Oh.

God, how humiliating it is to be a therapist and have two parents who are therapists.

Analysts. Whatever. And you have never even been to therapy

and doesn't even believe in therapy, and you're the one he sides with.

That's just perfect. We can get a second opinion.

That's all I need is another therapist to tell me I'm crazy and you're sane and charming.

I mean, look at you. You're the crazy one. You're a crazy kook.

It's so obvious. Okay, fine. I'm the crazy one.

Yeah. I'm crazier. Hey, I'm crazy, by the way.

I'm the crazy one of us two. Yeah.

I'm the crazy one, just so you guys know.

Yeah, you are crazy. You know what? You are.

And you know what? Your parents-- Your parents are crazier than my parents.

Fine. My parents are crazier than yours.

They are. You win.

Hi! [sighs]

[Arlene] Bliss is clean. [water falling]

Bliss is bold. ♪♪ [Serene Instrumental ]

Find your Bliss

Spaaah.

Wow, that's good. [mutters]

Jimmy, can you mark that? I already did.

Great. Why don't you take lunch?

Okay. Yeah, I'll see you in an hour.

Very nice work, Arlene. Thanks.

Thanks so much. Very good.

See, I told you you'd be a natural at this.

Was I really good? Oh, you were terrific!

You could have quite a career at this kind of thing if you wanted to.

Oh, don't be silly. Really?

Sure. Listen, a good voice is always hard to find.

Well, I just had such a good time. [sighs]

That's all. I can see why you like this so much.

Well, it sure beats the hell out of corporate law.

And I would imagine listening to the whining too.

Oh-- Oh, speaking of whining-- Oh, what?

Ooh, I should get going. I have a patient at 2:00. Oh.

All right, listen. I'll keep you posted on this thing.

I know the client's going to love you.

Whatever.

I'm just... glad I came.

Me too.

Oh! Ah!

I've been wanting to do that all day. Me too.

I can't believe how much I've been thinking about you.

Me too. All the time. Ever since the wedding.

[Abby] Mom, these are uninspired.

We need a great card this year. It's the first year with Ira.

I've got high hopes here.

You do? I feel like we're coming up dry. Uh--

What have we not thought of? Let me just--

What about jailbirds?

[both] Jailbirds! Baby, good one!

I thought you were still mad. I must have one here.

[Abby] 'Cause I won therapy.

Jailbirds is perfect. Hey, Daddy.

Hey, Michael. Hi, gang.

Mmm. So what's going on?

Oh, we're just trying to decide on the holiday card costume.

Ira thought of jailbirds. What do you think?

Uh, sure. Sure. Sounds good.

Oh, and, sweetheart, we were thinking it might be nice

to include Arlene and Seymour in the card.

As a gesture. What do you think? Shall we call Arl and Sy?

Hmm?

All right. Everyone ready? Smile! Okay.

We're on. Come on.

[All Talking At Once]

[laughs] [shutter clicks]

Ah! Whoo!

That was the best one, I think. All right. One more.

No, no, you guys. One more. Come on.

You guys have been doing this holiday card thing for how long?

Oh, gosh. I guess it's been--

Nine years? Hon, can you remember?

[Michael] No, I think it's 10, 'cause, uh-- Let's see.

We've done, um, uh, Hare Krishnas, country bumpkins,

hobos, superheroes, Salvation Army--

Salvation Army. Uh, whores and pimps.

Ooh, that was a very good year. And the members of KISS.

Oh, that makeup took forever. [laughs]

The Rat Pack. I was Sammy Davis.

Hey, babe. [Abby] I was Dean Martin.

That's eight, plus today.

So nine. [Michael] I think you're forgetting one.

I've got the album. Well, check it out.

It's right in there.

Oh, Grease!

I had forgotten. [Michael] See? Ten.

Who are these guys? Oh, that's Gus,

Abby's first husband,

and that's Ron, her second.

[chuckling]

Is that a joke?

[Lynne] Oh.

Mmm.

Honey?

Ron and Gus?

Ron and Gus?

Dr. Friedman was right.

[Lynne] I'm sorry. We thought he knew. Mom, it's okay.

[Ira] Oh, no, it's okay. It's fine. It's no big deal.

It just makes our marriage a big lie, but, you know, no problem.

I know this looks awful. You think?

I know it's so bad, but-- but they were-- they were dumb mistakes.

I was really young, and I-- I--

I have a hard time saying no to people.

So you marry them? What else have you lied about, Ab? No.

I didn't lie. I mean, you-- you didn't ask.

Oh, come on. And if I thought to ask, if I thought to say,

"Gee, baby, how many times have you been married before"--

Then I would've told you. Great. And did you think

that I would be thrilled? No, I just

hoped that by the time you found out, you'd love me, and it wouldn't matter.

Why should it matter? It's only two husbands.

Come to think of it, I don't know if that's true. Is there any more in there?

Should I keep flipping through? Maybe I'll find three through six.

Are they numbered on the back? There were only two.

Only two, huh? Great news.

Did they all have nice ceremonies out back just like ours?

Just Ronnie.

Oh. Ronnie.

Now Ron's Ronnie.

Well, why on earth did you divorce Ronnie, Abby?

He looks pretty hot here as Danny Zuko. Did you like his face too?

No, I didn't. I mean, I don't know. Then what happened?

If you have such a hard time saying no to people, what happened?

Why'd you get a divorce? Did he find out you were an ex-con or something?

What happened, Ab? Why'd you get a divorce? That's what I want to know.

Why didn't you-- Why did you get a divorce, Ab?

[door slams]

They got a divorce because Ron cheated on her.

Gus cheated on her too with one of her bridesmaids.

Well, why are they still in the album?

I just like the pictures.

[footsteps approaching]

Honey--

I'm sorry I got so crazy.

No, I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry. [crying]

Hey. Hey. It's 11:00. It's 11:00.

Let's not mess up our perfect record, okay?

Really? Yeah, really.

Oh, really? Oh, yeah.

Okay.

[laughing]

Get those off.

Turn the light off. Okay.

[both chuckle]

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Okay.

[both muttering]

Babe-- Just give me a second.

Okay, sweetie.

Do you want me to-- No, don't tug it.

So, Ira, it seems you can't accept the reality of Abby's past relationships.

No, I can. Of course I can. I just can't eat or sleep, that's all.

Or get an erection. Hmm.

Why we came. I know, but just--

And, Abby, how does this make you feel?

Well, bad.

I mean, it makes me feel bad.

Like he regrets marrying me or something.

Ask him.

Ask Ira, Abby.

Okay.

Um, Ira,

do you regret marrying me?

Regret? No.

Sweetie. [chuckles]

No, of course not. [chuckles]

I just-- You know, maybe

things could've gone more slowly without this taint,

this false premise, you know, which everything is based on.

So, no, no matter what we do, it's all wrong.

It's like the shotgun wedding, only instead of pregnant,

we got two lied-about divorces, so it can never be right again.

It can never be right again. I don't know.

I mean, you didn't tell me about Gus or Donnie. Ronnie.

Right. That's my name.

Oh, yeah? I always loved that name.

Oh. Well, thank you. It's a nice ring to it.

It's like someone you want to know. You know what I mean?

I was actually named after my great uncle, the Honorable Judge Ronald.

Really? Look, the point is,

she didn't tell me about two ex-husbands.

That's big. Okay, but, sweetie,

that was back when we were getting married, before I loved you.

You didn't love me when we got married? I didn't know you.

We only knew each other a week. It was a leap.

God, I hate the way you get totally reasonable in a crisis situation.

I mean, do you see what I'm dealing with here? I mean-- Ahh!

It's so infuriating, because it's not like her.

I mean, she's like a "head in the clouds, live for the moment" girl.

And now she's-- she's-- [stammering] I don't know what she is.

I mean, that's the point, man. What was I thinking when I said I would marry you?

I think you thought I was cute and smart, and you liked that I liked you.

You did like me, right?

Right off the bat? I liked you right off the bat.

Me too. I liked you too.

And I had a really good feeling about everything.

Me too. I had a really good feeling about everything.

And for me, it just-- it got... better

and better every day that I knew you.

Me too. Every new thing every new thing was, like, fuck!

How did I get this lucky? Me too.

I mean, you know, what are the odds

that two strangers, basically, could get married

and then fall... totally in love with one another?

Are you totally in love with me?

Um,

I don't really know.

I guess not.

Are you totally in love with me?

Yes.

I'm sorry. [mutters]

[crying]

♪♪ [band]

♪ It's the most wonderful time of the year ♪

♪ With the kids jingle belling ♪

♪ And everyone telling you be of good cheer ♪

♪ It's the most wonderful time of the year ♪

♪ It's the hap-happiest season of all ♪ [indistinct]

♪ With those holiday greetings ♪ [beeps]

[electronic voice] You have no messages.

♪ When friends come to call ♪

♪ It's the hap-happiest season of all ♪

I'm really grateful for these sessions, you know?

Yes, mister?

Uh-- Uh--

I-- You know, I-- I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. Just-- Just bring-- You know what?

Bring me whatever you want.

♪ Tales of the glories of Christmases long, long ago ♪

♪ It's the most wonderful time ♪

♪ Of the year ♪

[ringing] Hello?

Hi, sweetheart. How are you?

You know, terrible. Ohhh.

Are you gonna take your own life?

No, I'm not gonna take my own life.

I'm just... sad.

Oh, honey, I know. Me too.

Have you talked to Lea recently?

Mom, that's not helpful.

Sweetheart, maybe it's all for the best.

You're very different people-- you and Abby.

Not to mention those crazy parents.

You seem to get on with them pretty well, and you seem to like

your new career as a voice-over artist pretty well.

[scoffs] Please, it's not a career. I did one spot.

Listen to you. You already got the lingo down.

You know, maybe Dr. Friedman would take you back, sweetie.

You've certainly got a lot of new ground to cover.

Oh, that's great. He's the one that got me into this mess.

And now when I'm through the worst of it, he'll take me back

he'll take me back for the low, low price of 250 an hour.

Oh, honey, we'll pay. It'd be our pleasure.

I've been back with him for a month.

Oh.

Well, good.

That's good. We'll send you a check.

No, you don't have to.

It'll make me feel better.

Okay, thanks.

Love you. [beeps off]

[beeps off]

Hey! How's it going out there?

You about ready for a break?

Oh, honey, I-- I'm making your favorite.

Roast chicken and potatoes.

Gee, honey, that's, um-- Mmm!

Remember, I got another casting session tonight for McDonald's?

Oh, no, I didn't remember that. [groans]

How late do you think it'll go? Late.

Oh. I'm sorry. It's such a drag.

Wow, that looks wonderful. Oh, no, that's all right.

We'll-- We'll eat it tomorrow, that's all. It'll keep.

You bet. Hmm?

Don't wait up. Uh-- No.

If you count their first marriage, it's his third and his sixth.

But in terms of different spouse--

[TV off]

[beeping]

[ringing]

You've reached Dr. Arnold Friedman.

Please leave a message. [beeps]

Dr. Friedman, it's Ira Black. I was just hoping to, uh--

I'm just gonna do a session over the phone, okay?

I mean, I'm lying down, and you can listen from your chair

where you normally sit when it's convenient for you, okay?

'Cause I can't wait until Thursday. [sighs]

Well, I'm just sitting here watching TV and, you know,

I can't figure things out at all.

I mean, nothing makes any sense to me at all.

[Arlene laughing] [Michael] Oh!

This is crazy. Oh!

I feel like I'm 16.

Me too. I can't get enough of you.

[sighs] It's like some kind of drug or something.

[sighs]

You know, I feel so guilty saying this, 'cause I love Lynney so much--

she's an angel--

but sometimes I feel like--

What?

Well, sometimes it feels like being with a--

a sister or something.

Oh, God, that sounds so terrible. Shhh.

No. I understand.

You do? Yeah.

[Ira] Did Liz Taylor say, "Till death do us part" every freaking time?

I mean, does no one take notice of their own hypocrisy?

Do people really want to spend a hundred grand or 300 grand on a 50-50 shot at best?

I mean, it's just a fantasy. All of it.

Monogamy and marriage and vows--

It's just-- It's not living in the real world.

When are we all going to admit that? I won't listen!

You wouldn't tell the truth anyway! I would too.

Would not! I would "tot."

I'd tell you anything you want to know.

Well, you know-- I don't know.

Maybe we need our delusions, right?

Maybe we're nothing without our fantasies that we live in a better world.

Are you a dirty rotten crook?

I mean, look at this. The Music Man, a timeless classic story, right?

It's about a traveling salesman

who scams a town into joining a marching band

that doesn't exist.

And... he's just a big liar.

But... no one's mad at him.

The librarian falls in love with him

and the kid with the stutter can suddenly talk fine,

all because of a big, fat lie.

God.

What does it all mean, Dr. Friedman?

In this world, Elwood, you must be oh-so smart

or oh-so pleasant.

Well, for years, I was smart.

I recommend pleasant.

You may quote me.

[door unlocking]

[knocking]

[knocking continues]

Coming, coming.

Michael, I'm sorry about the hour, but, uh...

I need to talk to Abby for a few minutes.

What?

See, I saw Harvey tonight on AMC.

IRA, it's 2:00 in the morning.

I know, I know, but see...

I...

I was an asshole. Excuse me, but I just...

I just didn't get it, you know, because it came too easy.

And she just... She just liked my face.

And I didn't understand why.

Ira, she just went through her third divorce.

Annulment. Michael, technically, it's an annulment.

Annulment. Whatever.

I just think she needs some time to--

It's okay, Dad.

It's okay.

Hi.

Hi.

And I promise to love you and not take you for granted

and try not to harbor resentment for Gus,

and Ronnie, and have sex with you every other day,

and... and not over-think stuff.

Or be in my head too much and just...

Just be sweet to you

as long as we remain married.

You may kiss the bride.

[cheering]

♪♪ [piano]

Oh, I'm so glad you guys could be here.

[gasps] You look beautiful!

[chattering]

You guys look great.

[gasps] Oh, my God!

Congratulations.

I'm so glad you came. I didn't know you were gonna make it.

Ira, this is Gus...

Hey, man.

How you doing?

And this is Ronnie. Hey, man.

Ronnie.

Eyes wide open, no more secrets, right?

That's our plan.

Very cool. Very cool.

I'm gonna check on the tunes, okay?

I'm so glad you guys are here.

So, congratulations, man. Abby still looks hot.

Yeah, she was a cool wife.

Oh, my God, Miss Willoughby, this is incredible.

Oh, don't tell me. This is all Arlene.

She really outdid herself.

Michael and I could never have afforded a night like this.

We still haven't paid for the last one.

It's really shifting the very paradigm.

Yes, the rejection of the traditional vows

in favor of ritualizing the acceptance

or even celebration of the flaws of the system.

Quite remarkable.

[chuckles]

I'm gonna get another drink.

Excuse me, I've gotta--

I'll be right back.

[laughing]

I've gotta get back!

I've gotta get back. Okay. All right.

[shrieks]

How's my lipstick?

Oh, you're gorgeous.

I'll go first.

♪♪ ["Lady Marmalade"]

Ooh.

Oh. [giggles]

Arlene, come sit down here.

You look so beautiful today.

Oh, no, please.

You do. Thank you.

You always look so young and gorgeous.

I just... how do you do it?

What's your secret?

[clinking glass]

I just wanted to say one thing.

Um... As many of you know, I love weddings.

I've had a bunch of them.

[laughing]

My therapist says that it's probably

because I've been searching for a love that compares to the one my Mom and Dad have.

Pure, true, constant.

You guys set a pretty high bar.

Anyway, I've had a few tries now,

and I think I finally got it right.

So, thank you. I love you.

Thanks, my in-laws, for this beautiful day and this dress.

I hope I can call Dr. Saperstein and tell him we're done.

[door opening]

Where would I find the time?

I mean, I'm just... I'm so exhausted by the time I get home.

Hi. Are you waiting for a tour?

Yeah.

I'm Abby. Hi. Hi, Abby.

So, why are you here, Ira?

My mom's cheating on my dad again.

Hmm.

How do you know?

I saw her kissing my wife's father at our wedding.

So...

What brings you here today, Michael?

Well, I don't know how it happened,

but it seems that I'm cheating on my wife

with my daughter's mother-in-law.

Well.

Why are you here today, Lynn?

Well, I'm 57,

and I... I just feel like my face

doesn't match my insides anymore.

Know what I mean by that?

Oh, yeah. I do about 20 women a month.

So, um, what brings you here, Lea?

My new boyfriend is in love with a 21-year-old.

Oh, my God, I'm sorry. Yay.

Oh, I'm so sorry. Named Britney.

Ugh!

It all started at the wedding.

The first one. There was just another.

I'm sorry. Your second wife's father was at your first wedding?

Yes, my second wife's father is my first wife's father.

I married my wife twice.

Anyway, it was a perfect day... except for this.

Well, except for this and Ronnie and Gus, my wife's ex-husbands.

I don't want to talk about them.

Just feels so good to talk to someone about it.

Know what I mean?

I mean, cause, most of the people I know

just seem so distracted when I talk to them.

Like I bore them, or something.

Which is why I come here and spend all this money.

So I get what I don't get in the marriage, just someone's attention.

What's especially hard

is that my last boyfriend broke up with me out of the blue

and then he married this corporate power woman

and, you know what? It wasn't even like he was the one.

He was more like my back-up guys, but still.

I don't know what to do.

I mean, I'm a very happily married man--

Right.

But I seem to have this addiction, I guess.

And I need to stop.

I'm... I'm just wracked with guilt.

Maybe I should have an affair.

I can't believe I said that.

[laughs]

Why would I say that?

You can say anything that occurs to you.

It won't leave this room.

I just...

I just feel older around Lynn.

Just...

Closer to death, somehow.

I think you're the perfect candidate for a face lift.

I'd also recommend a chin implant

to stretch the skin around your mouth a little bit

so that it matches the rest of your new face,

and after that, it's pretty much maintenance.

Monthly injectibles, chemical peels,

lasers to zap those capillaries.

But you need to work with me on the body issues.

Do you belong to a gym?

I'm definitely gonna join.

Oh, no. Please, don't.

Don't. I'm just gonna give you some guest passes.

But look, you have to call the back-up guy, okay?

Okay. You're right. I know you're right.

I need closure. You do.

You need to know what happened.

It's always better to know what happened.

Does your wife know?

No.

No. I could never tell her.

She worships her parents. I could--

Ira, marriage is based on trust.

Without that, you have nothing.

So, do you want to tell me about Gus and Ronnie?

Do I... uh...

Hi.

It's me.

I need to see you tonight.

Mom?

What are you doing here?

I'm gonna do two shifts a week for membership.

Wha-- [laughs]

Well, that's-- I--

I can just give you some guest passes if you want to come in.

[phone rings]

Paris Health Club. This is Lynney.

[giggling]

[beep] Mailbox one.

You have one new message.

[Abby] Hey, baby, it's me.

I'm gonna be late tonight. I have to work 'til 8,

and I'm having dinner with Ronnie.

Did I tell you that?

He really has to see me about something.

By the way, my mom's training at the front desk. It's really weird.

I gotta go. Bye.

[beep]

[phone rings]

Hello?

Well, hey.

Yeah.

Which patient?

All right. An emergency is an emergency, I guess.

Hi.

Hi.

We understand each other, right?

I mean, you don't feel like standing up, do you?

I didn't see nothing.

See that, pop?

Look, I don't know nothing, mac.

He's too busy. He's got his girlfriend, right?

That your girlfriend, pal?

Huh?

Yeah. Yeah?

You his girlfriend?

Can someone tell me what the fuck I'm supposed to do now?

How much you need?

What did you say?

I said, how much do you need?

Abby-- Sorry.

Do you need $100?

$200? $250? What do you need?

I need $200.

Okay.

Could you just give me a sec?

Just give me one second.

Sir? Hi, do you have any cash?

Oh, thank you so much.

Thank you. Thank you so much.

Hey, thank you.

Thank you so much.

Oh, thanks--

Thank you. You're welcome.

Hey, babe. Hey, you guys.

You wanna go next?

Yeah. Yeah. Rock and roll.

Oh, great. Excuse me. Thanks a lot.

I'm so glad you're here.

Mmm.

Oh, don't worry, sweetie. This will just take a second.

Take a second... [echoes]

[cheering, whooping]

Abby, no!

[phone rings]

Abby, no!

Ah, shit.

[ringing continues]

Hello?

Hello, Da-- Hey.

Hey, pop. How are you?

What?

No, I... No, I haven't eaten.

Why?

So, uh, is Abby coming? Should I save any of this?

Oh, uh... no. No.

She's out late with a...

She won't be coming.

You all right? You seem a little...

Preoccupied. Oh, no. I'm fine.

I just had weird... Just...

I don't know.

Can I get your professional opinion on something?

I don't like my new guy that much.

Sure. What's on your mind?

Well, what's your advice dealing with jealousy bordering on obsession?

Are you still on that Gus and Ronnie thing?

Come on, Ira. You've gotta get past that.

No, I just-- It's not just them.

It's a bigger kind of jealousy.

Of everyone, really.

I mean, do you ever get jealous if Mom, you know, flirts with another man?

Yeah, sure.

You mean Michael?

What?

What do you mean?

Come on.

I drink. I'm not blind.

Right, yeah.

I guess I could see some...

kind of flirtation. You know, if I was really looking for it.

Yeah, that's one word for it, yeah.

So, how do you...

Are you...

Am I jealous? Yeah, sure.

Hurts like hell.

What can I do about it?

I can yell and scream.

I can go into therapy. I can get a divorce.

I can get even.

Have an affair of my own.

It helps. You know, it does.

Or I can just wait it out, right?

Those are my options.

But God, Dad, don't you...

want...

What?

Safety?

A guarantee that you're always gonna know someone?

That they're never gonna leave you?

That they're never gonna find someone they like better than you?

Yeah, maybe.

Yes.

Got news for you.

You'll never get that.

The best you can do is

stack the deck, build a history,

logs the years, have kids.

It helps. It all helps.

Makes it more difficult to leave.

But you'll never really know someone.

God.

Dad...

That's depressing.

That's why I drink.

Hey. Ira, hey.

Lea, hi.

Hi. What are you doing here?

Oh, God, this is so weird.

I just-- I was trying to e-mail you,

and I just-- [stammers]

I am going through stuff,

and I wanted to see you, and talk, and get some closure

but I'm sure this is a bad time, so...

No, no, it's not. It's fine.

Yeah? Well...

Want to go to the diner and get a cup of coffee?

Is everything all right with, um--

Something going on with that tall guy, Scott?

Seth? No.

I mean... good. We're good.

No, I mean, it didn't--

That's part of the whole--

I'm sorry.

Thanks, me too.

Uh, how about you?

How's your marriage, and, uh, you know.

Oh, it's--

It's...

You okay, Ira?

Uh...

Yeah.

Are you sure?

Yeah.

But you know what? I, uh...

I don't really feel like-- I feel like a drink, you know?

Would you be up for that? Not a coffee.

No, okay. Where to?

Uh, let's go to that place on 92nd that you like so much.

Is that okay? Yeah.

What were we saying? What were we talking about?

You were telling me how your marriage was.

Right, oh. How is my marriage?

Right, right. Well...

Where to start, where to start.

We got divorced a while ago--

You did? And then we...

That's terrible. I'm sorry.

I didn't know. I...

We've been so out of touch.

Yeah. Yeah, well...

It's been awhile--

Listen, I, um-- I have a great bottle of red

at my apartment, if you-- do you want to just talk there?

Listen to me just droning on

when we haven't even talked about you and your divorce.

What happened?

Oh...

The short version is she's still in love with her ex.

Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.

Yeah. Me too.

Mmm.

But I guess it's my fault, too.

I didn't really--

I didn't really know her that well.

I guess you can't really know someone unless you spend a lot of years with them.

Uh-huh. I mean, that's exactly what I was saying.

God knows, I certainly didn't know Seth.

[laughs]

Fuck.

What?

Uh-- What's the matter?

Look, Lea, I'm sorry.

I can't-- What?

I can't do this. Oh, my God, this is fantastic.

Look, Lea, you're a great person--

Oh, my God. But I'm still in love--

I gotta go home.

I gotta go home. Okay.

I want to know everything.

Hi.

Hey.

Where were you?

I was...

I thought you were gonna be late.

Are you okay?

Yeah.

No. I don't know.

I just, I-- uh...

I really needed to talk to you after seeing Ronnie tonight.

Uh...

Why?

Okay, what happened?

Well, he, um--

He needed to see me to make amends

for cheating on me.

He's in a 12-step program He's a heroin addict.

He is? Oh, my God, that's great!

What?

No, I mean, that's-- Wow, babe, that's heavy.

But that's great that he's getting help.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, but it's just...

It just brought up all this stuff for me.

You know? Just trust stuff and old stuff,

and I--

I just wanted to be with you.

And when I got home and you weren't here,

and you didn't come home, I just--

I'm sorry.

I love you.

I love you, too.

I love you so much.

It's okay. It's all right.

[crying]

So, then he ran out because he's still hung up on the ex-wife.

Oh, you're kidding. Oh, yes.

It was so humiliating.

We're kissing, he seemed very into it.

I took off my clothes,

and he bolted.

Oh, my God. I feel so guilty.

I'm the one who told you to call the back-up.

No, no, no, no. You told me to get closure.

Not to have sex with him.

It's just me. I'm very vulnerable,

and he seemed different.

I know. I get it.

But you know what? People don't change.

And I never had good sex with this guy.

You're kidding?

Never.

Oh, that's good.

Good stuff today.

And to think I almost got a face lift for him.

No. Your face is beautiful. It's original.

Thank you. I couldn't agree more.

I earned every one of these wrinkles.

You go, Mommy.

Listen, Abby doesn't know yet.

Of course.

Lynney, please.

Can I just talk to you for a minute?

Lynney.

[Arlene] I mean, I had an affair for the same reason

you had an affair. It was exactly the same reason.

I don't know why you can't absolutely see that point of view.

I really don't understand that.

I'm afraid we're out of time.

Thank you.

That was a great first step, right, Cy?

Great step. How much we owe you?

I'm $400 an hour.

Of course you are. Cy.

And I don't accept insurance.

[chatter]

Hey, babe.

Hi, sweetie. Hey, this is--

Ira? Lea!

Wait-- [both] You know each other?

He's my husband. He's the back-up.

What did-- What?

Oh, my God, Ira. How could you?

This is the guy from last night?

No. Nothing really happened. We just--

You told me you were divorced.

I did. I did, and we were.

Just not now.

What?

How could you?

Okay, okay, okay, babe. I know this looks bad,

but I saw you in the diner with Ronnie, so--

Wait, you saw me? You were following me?

No, I wasn't following you.

Abby, I had no idea that you were--

Excuse me.

Babe, babe, I wasn't following you.

I just-- You said she was in corporate sales.

Honey. Honey, I had this horrible dream,

and then I saw you with Ronnie,

and Ronnie's hot, Ab.

He's tall and ripped, and he's hot.

So you cheated on me because Ronnie's hot?

You cheated on Abby?

No.

Ira, how could you?

Daddy, what are you doing here?

I, uh, brought your mother flowers.

That's so nice. That's so nice. Do you see, Ira?

Do you see what marriage is supposed to be like?

Sweet and loving and thoughtful

and-and honest, and no one gets cheated on.

Honey...your father and I have something to tell you.

Dr. Saperstein, this is Dr. Silverberg.

Oh.

You've both been so instrumental to me.

Oh, call me Aurora.

Aurora. Oh.

...if you were in session.

Dr. Friedman, do you know Dr. Goldman?

Do you know Friedman, Dr. Friedman?

This is a fucking nightmare.

I am not sitting near you.

Where do you want me?

I understand you've been seeing the man

who's been screwing my wife.

We met at Abby and Ira's second wedding.

Right. Great party.

If I could have everyone's attention, please.

I think we're ready to get started,

so why doesn't everybody grab a seat

or a Pilates ball.

We'll just, we'll jump right in.

We'll get going.

Uh, for those of you who don't know,

Ira cheated on Abby,

and her parents are deciding to separate.

Wait a minute.

Ira cheated on Abby?

Sort of.

How can you 'sort of' cheat?

With Lea. With Lea?

How is she?

Mom. I'm just asking.

Who's Lea?

Ira, how could you?

I mean, Abby's the best thing to every happen to you.

Thanks, Cy.

Dad, you're the one who said it'd help

to have an affair of your own,

along with some other depressing-- What?

I said it helped

that your mother and I both cheated, but--

You've both cheated on each other before?

I only did before we were married.

A family of cheaters.

Cheating is big with you.

He cheated, too. Because he met you.

We were happy 32 years.

Were we really happy, Mom? Or did we just never talk about anything?

Is that what you think, honey?

I don't know. Maybe.

I mean, how could you let me marry Gus and Ronnie?

Who are Gus and Ronnie?

I thought you'd like them.

Yeah, but what did I know?

I was 19 years old with Gus, and Ronnie was a drug addict.

It's true. They were losers.

God, I wish I'd known that before.

Okay, let's get back to the cheating.

The 'sort of' cheating.

Ira, I thought you had worked out

your resentment about Gus and Ronnie

prior to asking Abby to remarry you.

Well, I thought I had, too.

But I realized I hadn't after the nightmare

I had yesterday about the mugging.

What nightmare? What mugging?

It was a while ago. We were fine. It was nothing.

Walking up to muggers with guns is not nothing.

One mugger, and I don't even think it was loaded.

Honey, how do you know? What, are you Kojak?

I just had a feeling.

That's what you said about Ira.

Look, the point is she could've been killed.

No, we made friends.

Honey, you make friends with everyone.

With muggers and killers and strangers on the street.

You'd make friends with Hitler if he came in for a tour.

Ira, it sounds to me as if you have--

Jealousy issues?

God, you're good.

And a great deal of hostility.

Do you have any idea what might be

at the root of that hostility, Ira?

Yes, I'm married to someone who's married to everyone.

All right, Ira,

what I think I hear you saying

is that you have always doubted Abby's love for you.

No, not really.

It's just been, you know, sometimes hard for me

to believe that she loves me in particular.

Even though she married you.

Twice.

Yes. Right.

What is your relationship like with your mother?

Oy, here we go.

It's, um, fine.

It's fine.

Although she never liked me that much.

Honey, how can you say that?

I gave you everything I could.

You're always putting him down.

I am?

Yes. Why do you think

he has difficulty thinking that people really like him?

Lea liked him.

Not really. He was a backup. They never had good sex.

She told you that?

So, Ira, your mother's always been a bit critical.

And judgmental.

And overbearing.

But that really changed when she started

having the affair with Michael.

I don't want to hear this anymore.

That's so disappointing. I worshipped you guys.

I mean, how could you, Dad?

I don't know, honey. It's over now.

It certainly is.

[sighs]

Jesus.

Why would anyone wanna get married if there are no...

good marriages.

I mean, what's the incentive?

I think it makes you try harder to stay together.

Not in our case.

It's easier, financially.

No different from living together.

There are some things with taxes, but--

Children are the reason.

You do it for your children,

to set a good example.

Look how well that turned out.

Maybe...

there is no reason.

Except for a great party.

Yeah, you know, maybe marriage is just a fad.

That's had an unusually long run.

You know, some guy came up with the idea back in the day,

people went with it, and now, you know,

no one really thinks about it anymore.

They just...just do it...

because...because everyone else does.

Like bottled water.

Or man sandals.

Or paying complete strangers

to solve your personal problems.

You know, I have to take offense at that.

I'm sorry, Roland. She didn't mean it.

You're just sticking that to us.

She's right. She's right.

The only reason we make money

is that people can't talk to each other.

Ab?

Yeah?

I'm really sorry about the Lea thing.

No, I'm sorry I didn't make you feel loved enough.

Honey, honey, it's not your fault.

It's my mom's. My fault.

All right, I don't think this is about assigning blame.

No, blame can be liberating.

I do think it's her fault.

This is very unprofessional.

She has ruined my life.

Okay, I think we're all a little hungry,

so let me just pass these around.

This is not about being hungry.

That was really, really unnecessary.

You didn't have to say that to me.

It meant nothing? Meant nothing?

All that secret time for the last 6 months meant nothing?

[everyone talking at once]

I promise to finish whatever I start.

Eventually.

Good one.

I promise never to lie to you

or not tell you something,

or not tell you everything about something.

Even if it's really hard.

I promise to never, ever go into therapy again.

For any reason.

Okay.

I promise to never marry you again

no matter how many times you ask me.

I promise to love you...

and only you

as long as that's true.

Me, too.

And I hope it's a really long time, Ab.

Me, too.

Okay. All right.

Me first, you first?

You first. Okay.

I'm the plaintiff or the...it doesn't matter.

All right.

[sighs]

That's it.

That's it.

[laughs]

Okay.

Congratulations.

Congratulations to you.

I have class all day, sweetie.

All right, baby.

I love you.

I love you, too.

Bye.

♪ And slowly darts ♪

♪ That we're counting ♪

Bye.

Hi.

Hi.

I just, um, I was in the area

and I came by to see... if we could ever...

Could I take you out sometime? Say, Friday night?

I have a date on Friday, Michael.

Oh.

Well, what about Saturday?

I have a date Saturday, too.

Oh. Okay.

Well--

But...

I'm free Sunday.

♪ Let me be loved ♪

♪ Let me be loved ♪

Anyway, what is it that you guys do?

I don't do anything. I live off my wife.

Ah. What does she do? What do you do?

I...I do voiceover work.

Oh. What kind of voiceover?

She's the Bliss lady.

No! You're not the Bliss lady?

The spa place lady?

Spa.

Spa.

Oh, God. That is fantastic.

It was a great game.

One of the best finishes ever.

See, I bet you, I told you

he was gonna hit a homer to win it.

You owe me 5 bucks, dude.

I won't be paying.

♪ Wanted to say, "I will" ♪

♪ As my last testament ♪

♪ For me to be saved and you to be brave ♪

Lea?

Yeah. Hi.

Hi. Hi.

Uh, Morris Saperstein.

Oh, hi. Hi.

Uh, wow. You're the Lea.

Yes, I am.

They didn't tell me you were, uh...

a knockout.

Oh, well.

I guess we...Yeah?

Yeah. Let me just...

Please.

I'm gonna go save the seats.

Go already. Go.

Hi, can I help you?

Yes, mister?

Can I get two eggs over easy,

whole wheat toast, and a cup of coffee, please?

A number three, okay?

Are you sure, mister?

Yeah, I'm sure.

Actually--

♪ Wanted to say, "I will" ♪

♪ As my last testament ♪

♪ For you to be saved and me to be brave ♪

♪ We don't have to walk down that aisle ♪

♪ As if marriage ain't enough ♪

♪ Well, at least we'll be lovers ♪

♪ I've been sinking through the drain of love ♪

♪ Lift my eyes to skies up above ♪

♪ Listen to me, this is how I feel ♪

♪ Since I knew you, all my thoughts are real ♪

♪ You're the only one I want to do ♪

♪ Everything's new ♪

♪ And it's all 'cause of you ♪

♪ I've been moving 'cause my heart is true ♪

♪ Telling everyone I know about you ♪

♪ Tell your momma that you won't be home ♪

♪ Let your daddy know you're not alone ♪

♪ All I wanna do is make you mine ♪

♪ I said I love you, honey, anytime ♪

♪ Don't believe the things they say about me ♪

♪ I love the things you know I'll never be ♪

♪ You're the only one I want to do ♪

♪ Everything's new ♪

♪ And it's all 'cause of you ♪

♪ All 'cause of you ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Now, honey, honey, honey ♪

♪ I could walk, walk, walk ♪

♪ I caught you kneeling in the alley ♪

♪ With the baby talk ♪

♪ Now listen to me, baby, if you can't sit still ♪

♪ I know your sister will ♪

♪ There ain't no blood on my hands, love ♪

♪ There ain't no blood on my hands, love ♪

♪ There ain't no blood on my hands, love ♪

♪ The sun is up and I understand it's me ♪

♪ I've been moving because my heart is true ♪

♪ Telling everyone I know about you ♪

♪ Tell your momma that you won't be home ♪

♪ Let your daddy know you're not alone ♪

♪ All I wanna do is make you mine ♪

♪ I said I love you, honey, anytime ♪

♪ Don't believe the things they say about me ♪

♪ I love the things you know I'll never be ♪

♪ You're the only one I want to do ♪

♪ Everything's new ♪

♪ And it's all 'cause of you ♪

♪ All 'cause of you, yeah ♪

♪ Now, honey, honey, honey ♪

♪ I could walk, walk, walk ♪

♪ I caught you kneeling in the alley ♪

♪ With the baby talk ♪

♪ Now listen to me, baby, if you can't sit still ♪

♪ I know your sister will ♪

♪ There ain't no blood on my hands, love ♪

♪ There ain't no blood on my hands, love ♪

♪ There ain't no blood on my hands, love ♪

♪ But the sun is up and I understand it's me ♪

♪ And it's all 'cause of you ♪