All language subtitles for Ira.and.Abby.2006.1080p.WEBRip

[Man]
Ira, would you
like to come in?

Yes. Yes, please.

How are you today, Doctor?

Well, I guess
I'm feeling...

worse and worse, really.

You know, lonely,
panicked, can't focus.

Everyone bothers me
lately, you know?

Everyone.

Waiters, the doormen,

people on line at the ATM.
It doesn't matter who.

There's really no one I can
stand to be around right now,

including myself.
I hate myself.

I mean, if you're going
to check your balance
at the ATM,

you don't have to,
you know--

not midday, not at noon.

When there's a big line,

you don't check your balance.

I mean, is it me?

Is that too much to ask?

Don't check your balance.

I mean, you can
check your balance,

but check--
just check it later.

You know that story
I told you about

when I had lice
in the third grade?

I kind of--
I feel like I have--

[wheezes]

Mostly I just feel...

I just feel fat.

I just...feel fat.

I just-- I--

oh, just very fat today.

Lea says
I carry extra weight

so I don't have to face
my real failures.

I don't know why Lea and I
stay together.

I mean, breaking up 11 times
in one year can't--

well, not 11,
but, like, seven.

Well, that-- that was
one...weekend thing,

so, like, six.

I wish I could
stay here all day.

You know?

I feel, uh-- I really--
I like this couch.

I like this couch.
I like it.

And the...lighting
in this room is just--

It's terrific. I never
get tired of this room.

I never get tired
of spending time with you.

Ira, I think we should
discontinue our work here.

What?

I think this treatment
has run its course.

What--

What are you f--
talking about?

Y-Y-You never speak.

You're just
supposed to-- to--

To listen.

Yes, Ira.

I've been listening
for 12 years,

and you're not
making any progress.

This relationship
isn't working.

You're breaking up with me?

I know this is painful,

but you need change.

You need to get unstuck.

Go on a trip.

Finish your dissertation
already.

Just try something else.

But this
is long-term analysis.

And it's been long enough.

Good-bye, Ira.

I have another
patient waiting.

Oh, you-- Oh.
Oh, you have another--

Yes.

♪ Pull the rip cord ♪

♪ The ship
has lost its sail ♪

♪ Your mama's
got a new man ♪

♪ Your daddy always fails ♪

♪ And you're eating again
with them ♪

♪ 'Cause nobody loves you ♪

♪ And even fancy things ♪

♪ Have finally
lost their charm ♪

♪ Go on, tell them
good riddance ♪

♪ They'll never
get you anymore ♪

♪ You're sleepin' again
alone ♪

♪ 'Cause nobody loves you ♪

♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh ♪

[horn honks]

[honking]

♪ So come on, kid ♪

♪ Look at what you did ♪

♪ I don't know
if you meant it ♪

♪ But you did yourself in ♪

♪ And now he's even
having a good day ♪

♪ I'd found
that we lost you ♪

♪ So ♪

[moaning]

You have no messages.

[whistling]

Dr. Friedman.

No.

Dr. Friedman.

Friedman.

Nope.

Yes, mister?
What can I get you?

I'll have, uh...

I'll have a BLT
with-- with fries.

Yes, mister.
That's a number 5.

Wait. You know what?

Give me a, uh--

Give me the fruit salad,
cottage cheese, and a--

and a...could I
have some ice water?

Okay.

Actually,
you know what?

Give me the, uh--
don't--

Give me the fruit salad,
no cottage cheese,

and, uh...

is the Broiled Fisherman's
Platter any good?

I don't know.

Right. Right.
You know what?

Just, uh...

Just give me
a cup of coffee, please.

So load up all your carbs
with grease and butter.

That works. I'm serious.

It cancels out
the carb effect.

Hi. I was wondering if I
could talk to someone--

Just a second. Talking.

Uh, okay, list everything
you've eaten

in the past day

and I will not judge thee.

Hi. I just wanted
to talk to someone--

Oh, honey, no, no.

...about membership.

You know what you can do?

You can take this
and sit over there

and fill that out, okay?
Talking.

You want me--
Is it a lot of pages?

Not brain surgery.
Four little pages.

Try it, okay?

[beep]

Hi, Chiquita, you have
someone for a tour.

I'm sorry.
What's your name, sir?

Ira.

Ira? Okay. Good-bye.

Okay, keep talking.

You know, my professor
was definitely, like,

"You're the best student.
You're the best student."

This job taxes you.
People don't realize it,

but it's like people,
people, people every day,

and you're like "Enough."

And they say
it, like, influences

your whole relationship
trajectory or something--

But I'm, like, I hear you.
Dads are hard.

Now I understand.

We all got a cross
to bear, so just--

It's hard to be you
right now.

I got you a McFlurry,
too, just because.

I love you.
I love you, too.

Okay. Okay,
this is ridiculous.

I've been waiting here
for about 45 minutes--

Shit. I'm sor--
Are you Ira?

Uh...

yes.

Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm just--

[giggles]

I'm Abby. I'm the,
uh, sales consultant.

I'm so sorry
to keep you waiting.

Oh, that's-- that's okay.

I'm sure you're--
I'm sure you're very busy.

Oh, no. Not at all.
I just forgot you were here.

God, you have a great face.

What?

No, your face
is just-- just good.

Just--
lips and, you know.

It's just a great--
just a great face.

Thanks. That's, uh...

Thanks.

So, uh, what
brings you here, Ira?

Ira Black?

Oh, you know, just looking
for a gym to join.

Your basic--

Were you feeling fat
this morning or something

or old?

What?

No, I'm just
always curious.

Why today, you know?

As opposed
to yesterday or--

Oh, uh, nothing
in particular.

You know, just trying
to make a change.

Change it up.

Want a fry?

What?

Fry?

Oh.

They're hot and good.

No. No. Just a tour
would be good.

Of the gym?

Oh. Okay. Sorry.

I've been here--
Okay.

...for, like, 45 minutes.

Okay. Sorry.

Um, let's get to it.

It's, uh...

It's not that great,
really.

I'm sorry you waited.

Um, this is
the front part.

And, uh, this, uh,
is the training club.

Hey, Mare.
Hey, Ab.

Uh, bulletin board,
you know,

class schedules,
that sort of thing.

Machines and--

The yoga room is upstairs.

Hey, Lori.
You look amazing.

What do you do?
You do, uh, classes,

or do you do those--
that StairMaster?

Oh, you know what?

Our StairMasters
are broken.

I'm sorry.

But, uh,
I don't work out.

I hate exercise.

Well, why would you
work at a gym if you--

Abby.

Hey.

Hey, Henry.

Henry, this is Ira.

Ira, Henry.

Hello, Ira.
Henry.

So I did what you said.

I called him up.

I've told him that it
really hurt my feelings

when he wouldn't
stay through the night,

and I told him I didn't
want to see him anymore

if he only loved me
for my body.

Good for you.
What did he say?

This morning
he sent flowers
and a card:

"I love you.
I can't live without,"

blah, blah,
blah, blah, blah.

Tonight he's taking me
to Avenue Q.

Oh, my God. I feel
I'm going to cry.

I'm so proud of you.

All because of you.

Oh, please.
I did nothing.

You did it.
That's crazy.

I'm sorry. I--

Abby.
I need you.

Oh, hey, Buddy.

I just got
my head shots back.

Can you take a look?

Oh, yeah.

I think I found
my young dad look.

Yes. What do you think?

Am I interrupting
something?

You know, Ira's actually--

It's okay.
I'm going to get going.

You obviously
have your hands full.

No, no. We, uh--

I shouldn't have come.

I shouldn't have come.

But don't you want to--

No.

I feel like guys
don't listen anymore

because I'm thin.

I'm like "Hello.
This is talking.

These ladies
can't hear you."

So I'm thinking
that one for commercial.

Okay.

And then dramatic.

Mm-hmm.

And that one
in the corner

for online dating.

Oh, that's
a perfect choice.

I have a hard time
finishing things.

Making any decisions
whatsoever, really.

Oh.

The truth is I just
woke up today

feeling fat, you know?

I guess I've been feeling
fat lately in general,

and old-- old, too.
You were right. But...

mostly fat.

I can't even quite
pull in my stomach anymore.

It's like I did the thing
where you pretend--

You pretend to be
a pregnant woman?

Right. Or Santa Claus
too many times, and now--

Now it won't go back.

Exactly.
Now it won't go back.

Really?

Yeah, it's huge.
Can I see?

My fat stomach?

Yes.

No one's looking.
No one comes in here.

Um, the guy's back there.

Okay.
I'll bet you ten bucks

I can stick mine out
farther than yours.

20.
25.

Done.

Bring it.

[Abby]
All right, ready?
1, 2, 3.

Oh, my God.
Look at that.

That's huge.
I win. I win.

All right, you win.

I'll take
your 25 bucks now.

Oh, my God, I just
got a head rush.

25 bucks.

I don't have any money.

What?
I don't have any money.

That's okay.

Can I see it normal?

No. No, no.

Can I just see
it normal, please?

Just right quick?

It's huge.
I got all this loose--

There's back fat in here.

It's like--

God, I love that.

Do you have a girlfriend?

Uh--

Abby, do you have,
like, three minutes?

Oh, sure, sure.
But right now?

I want to try out
this new monologue.

Can I do it for you?

Oh, sure, but Ira--
can Ira listen, too?

Ira, Janice.
Janice, this is Ira.

Hi.

Hi, Ira.
You want to listen?

Oh, no, no.
No, not at all.

That's fine.
Thank you.

Hell is murky!

Fie, m'lord! Fie!

A soldier and a fjord?

What--

What need...

"we fear hurt?"

So it's $699 all in.

Right, or $72.50 a month.

Plus the--

Plus the initiation fee.
I know it's a lot.

It is, but with the--
with the pool--

You know what? Maybe
you should take up running.

I mean, you live
so close to the park,

and my dad actually belongs

to one of those groups
where you meet at a certain--

Don't you work
on commission?

What?

You're a terrible
salesperson.

No, really, you are
absolutely horrible,

like one of the worst
I've ever seen.

When was the last time

you actually sold
a membership to a person?

Oh, um, well,

there are
a lot of renewals
that come up, so--

And I have a great
deal on my rent.

Really?
Where do you live?

With my parents.

Well, yeah, that's a--

that's a-- that's a deal.

Yeah. Oh, it's not
what you think.

I mean,
I'm not a loser.

I had my own place
and everything,

but they doubled
my rent,

and our dog died.

Oh.

So yeah--

I'm so sorry.
Thank you.

Shepherd mix, 14, so--
Do you have pets?

Oh, me? No. No.

I have a fear
of perishables.

You know, pets,
dairy products, produce,

anything that dies,
I don't tend to--

Not for me.

I see. What do you do?

I'm a psychologist.

Right.

But I don't
see patients.

I just study.
I'm getting my Ph.D.

Oh, wow.

Well, trying to.

I'm-- I'm writing
my dissertation,

but I can't seem
to, uh--

Finish it?

Why are you so nice?

Oh, I'm not that nice.

Yeah, you are.
You're highly nice.

It doesn't track.

It doesn't track?
What does that mean?

It just means,
you know,

what makes you tick?

Oh, uh...
I don't know.

What do you think
makes me tick?

Oh, well, I wouldn't--
I wouldn't--

Come on. You're
the psychologist, right?

In training.

So give me your best shot.

Well, I'd just be
stabbing in the dark.

Okay.

I think you're, uh...

probably
the type of person...

who's scared to death
of responsibility.

You're probably an only child,
center of the family.

Parents thought
you hung the moon.

And I'm guessing
at a certain point

the pressure
got so much for you

that you started
rebelling and failing

and lowering
your expectations in there,

so you had nowhere to go
but up,

and now
they probably treat you
with kid gloves a bit,

sort of "Rah rah,"
you know,

whenever you do
anything positive,

you know, because now
you're a special case:

a problem child
in constant recovery.

I don't know.
I'm just...riffing.

Do you
want to get married?

I'm close, huh?

And would you believe
I'm only in my sixth year?

No, I mean it.

Right. Right.

Look, I'm going to get
a membership, by the way,

increase your sales record
by 500% so you don't--

What's going so great
in your life?

Pardon me?

I mean,
aren't you lonely?

What?

Sure, yeah. Isn't every--

So why not take a shot?

Half of all marriages
end in divorce anyway.

We'd probably have
as good a chance
as anyone.

Is this,
like, a thing you do?

Like a joke?

No. I just like you.

You do?

Yes.

Well, I--

I like you, too.

You do?

Are you worried we wouldn't
be sexually compatible?

What?

Is that
what's holding you back?

Holding me back? No.

I think
what's holding me back

is that I don't know you
at all.

I think you know
so much about me.

We've been talking
for, like, six hours,

and you just summed up
my life in 20 seconds.

Six hours? I can't--

Oh, my God.

Yeah.

Wow.

I know.

Wow.

What?

No. No.
I-- I-- I just, uh--

Are you saying
just give it a whirl,

just why not because
everyone's so miserable
together anyway,

or becomes miserable,

that if we can enjoy
six hours, then maybe we'd--

No.
This is just a joke, right?

Because-- Because--

Because
this is fucking crazy.

I mean, this is what takes
people four,

five, six years
to figure out.

You know, living together
and going into therapy

and then talking
about goals and--

How old are you?
What?

How old are you?

Uh, how old do you, uh--

how old do you think I am?

I don't know. 34.

Uch. Great. That's--
Thanks a lot.

Oh, shit. I'm sorry.
Terrific.

I'm sorry.
I'm terrible at this.

Sorry. How old are you?

33.

You're 33?

Yeah, I'm 33.

Okay!

What? What are you--
What are you getting at?

That I can't
afford to hold out

and go through
the normal channels

because I'm-- I'm older?

What are
the normal channels?

Okay, the normal channels

are, like,
dinner and the movies

and, you know, meeting
each other's parents.

Do you want
to meet my parents?
No, that's--

Oh, you would
love my parents.

Should I call them?

Should I call them
right now?

They'd
love to meet you.

Why would they love--

Oh, I just think
that they would love you.

You do?

Yeah, I do.
I really do.

So do you want to have sex?
What?

Just to, you know,
make sure that works.
Uh, what-- what--

It's the one
thing we should
really find out

if we're
going to get married.

You don't-- Excuse me.

Don't worry.
I'm on the pill

if that's what you're
worried about.

No, that's not what I'm--

that's not
what I'm worried about.

I think I have
some condoms here.

I'm worried about that,
but that's not--

that's not the first thing
I'm worried about.

I mean, there's a whole host
of-- of concerns here.

Oh.

Oh, are you, um...

are you not attracted to me?

What? No.

No, you're not.

No, no.
I'm not saying no.

I'm-- I'm saying--
That's not what I'm
saying.

I'm saying y-- I--
of course I am.

Are you sure?

Yeah. Yes.

But you don't want
to have sex with me?

[moaning]

Mom! Dad! Are you here?

Ira? Is that you?
What are you doing here?

I need to talk to you guys.

Darling,
what are you doing?

Daddy and I have opera tickets.

Ira? What are you
doing here?

Well, I know
I'm unannounced,

but, uh, I guess
I should just say it.

I'm getting married.

[gasp]

Sy! Can you believe this?

Oh, we've been
waiting for this day!

And about time.

Where's Lea?

Where's my daughter-in-law?

Yeah, uh,
that's the thing.

Uh, different girl.

Not Lea.
I'm not marrying Lea.

What?

What are you
talking about?

Of course it's Lea!

No, I'm not really crazy
about Lea

in that way anymore.

Since when are you not
crazy about Lea?

Since I don't know.
A long time.

We've really become,
you know,

really
more like friends.

Well, how long?
I mean, what is this?

What about us?
We're crazy about Lea!

A wonderful girl.
Very bright--

Yes, yes. I realize you're
both very fond of Lea.

So you have been
cheating on our Lea

with some tramp,
somebody else--

No, no, not exactly.

Not until about an hour ago.

Have you
been drinking?

No.

I told you.

He never should have
stopped the Paxil.

Mom-- Mom--

Unbelievable. This is
making me nauseous.

I have to throw up.

No, no, no.
I know it sounds crazy,

but I, uh, I fell in love
a little bit today,

kind of at first sight,

and, um...
I'm going with it,

so I'd like you both
to be happy for me,

but it's okay
if you're not

because I'm the one
that needs to be happy.

I wish for your happiness,

but, you know,
it's not my thing--

Well, you know what I mean.
You're therapists.

Analysts.
We're analysts.

Whatever, Dad.

Half the world doesn't
know the distinction,

but whatever.

Ira, don't disrespect
your father.

Mom, I'm 33.

I think a little healthy
barb now and again--

You know what?
I'm not going to do this.

I'm having a great day.

I would love for you both
to come to my wedding.

We would love you to come,
Abby and me.

Her name's Abby.
Isn't that a great name?

Abby.

Abby and Ira.

Her parents
have a brownstone

with an outdoor patio,

so it'll be small
but tasteful.

We're going to write
our own vows.

That's about it.

She's downstairs.

I can't believe this.

Ohh...

How can you do this to me?

Oh, come on.

You're killing me, Ira!

You're killing me!
Mom, please.

And I said to her,
"Don't walk out
that door."

And what did she do?

She walked
out the door,

and that was the last
time I ever saw her.

Oh, God, Tony, I'm so--

Jesus, I said
I wouldn't do this.

[Mrs. Black]
Tony.

Tony?

Sorry, Mr. and Mrs. Black.

I didn't realize
you were there.

You must be Abby.

Yes. Oh, it's so
wonderful to meet you.

Ira said you had
a way with people.

Yes, we have tickets
for Tosca.

We'll talk in the cab.
Oh.

Now, Abby, I'm sure
you're very nice.

I'm
sure you mean well,

but marriage
is not something

to be taken lightly.

I don't take it lightly.

I just have a good
feeling about this.

Sweetheart, it isn't
about feelings.

Marriage
is a contract.

It isn't about feelings?

Marriage isn't about feelings?

No, it is.
Of course it is.

Yeah, it's about feeling
terrible and criticized.

Sy, don't start.

But, Abby,
why Ira?

Mom--

Why would you
want to marry Ira?

I find him adorable.

But why?

I don't know. Just--

I like his face, you know?

I like looking at it.

He's neurotic,
he's picky.

Mom--
He's very
high-maintenance.

And you're a walk
in the park?

I'm not talking
about me.
Maybe we should.

Sy, enough.

How long have you two
been married?

33 years.

Wow.

Long,
difficult years.

Can we pull over
right here?

You two need
to know the truth.

It's no picnic.

Were you in love
in the beginning?

Not so much.
No.

What? I thought
you were madly in love.

It's what we told you
when you were younger.

It made you happy.

You were never in love?

That's--
That's depressing.

That's why we
didn't tell you.

You learn to love.

You learn to love

because you're stuck
with each other.

Ah, not stuck.

Uh, hinged.

Hinged.

You're hinged together

so that you can
still move a little,

but at the end
of the day,

you're
always together
for good and bad.

Sometimes
it's good.

Sometimes
it's very bad.

It hasn't been
so bad, Arl.

It's been bad, Sy.
Trust me, Abby.

What was, like,
the worst time ever?

Ha ha ha!
When he cheated on me.

Oh!
What?

Here we go.
You cheated on Mom?

This is
ancient history.

With one of my
patients.

Oh, my God.
That's so Sopranos.
Dad, that's awful.

She was terminating
with you.

Yes. Three months
later.

I'm so sorry,
Mrs. Black.

Thank you, Abby.
Call me Arlene.

It's like having
your heart torn open.

You can't imagine
the pain.

You cheated on me, too.

Before we were married.
It's completely different.

Two weeks before.
It's not
so different.

You cheated on Dad
two weeks before the wedding?

I was young.
I was scared.
I was pregnant.

What?

Did you have the baby?

Of course. It was Ira.

You were pregnant with me
before you got married?

Darling, we've been
married 33 years.

Your birthday's
next month.

You do the math.

I never put that together.

So you married
for Ira.

We married for Ira.

And you've
stayed together
all these years.

All these years.

We have a wonderful
sex life.

I'm sorry.
I loved them.

Come on. It was
a horror show.

They were sweet.
It's right here.

Wait a minute. Wait.

What-- What's
their names again?

Oh, uh, Michael and Lynne.

Michael
and Lynne.
Lynney. Okay?

♪♪ [piano]

Guys? Daddy?

[Lynne]
We're in here,
sweetheart!

Oh!

♪♪ [singing]

Hello, sweetheart!

Hey! Hi, angel!

This is Ira.

Ira, Ira, Ira.
Hi!

Welcome to the family!

I'm gonna like you.

Come on, one for all.
Everyone in here.

I called them
on Tony's
cell phone.

Sweetheart,
get the champagne.

It's all ready.

So this is
very exciting.

When did all this
come together?

Just today. Can we
do it out back?

Oh, darling, of course.
It'll be beautiful.

Hey, what are you going
to do about music?

Ira, my parents
are really talented.

Can they do a number
at the ceremony?

We just won the Clio
for our Snapple spot.

That's like the Oscar
for commercials.

Yes, but we don't
like to mention it.

Oh, Dad, you got
the good stuff out.

Thank you.

This is a good year.

Of course
they all are.

All right,
hear, hear.

If you two are half
as happy as we have been,

you're going to be
the luckiest two kids around,

let me tell you.

Oh, sweetheart.
Thank you.

Cheers.

Yes, indeed.

Well, welcome,
welcome, welcome.

Ah!

Don't you want to ask me
any questions?

Like what?

Ira's getting a Ph.D.

Hey, that's terrific.

Lynney,
Ira's getting a Ph.D.

That's terrific.

You know, Michael
used to be an attorney.

Is that right?
Yes, siree.

If you ever need
a quickie divorce,
I'm your man.

Dad.
Sweetheart,
I'm kidding.

Look, Mr. Willoughby--

Please call me Michael
or Dad.

Michael, uh, I realize

that this all seems
very, uh, sudden, so--

Let me tell you something.

Every good thing in life
comes all of a sudden.

Hits you
like a ton of bricks.

Am I right, Lynney?

Like a bolt of lightning,
Scooby.

Like a thunderbolt.
It's always the way.

Good night.

Just one more.

Okay.

Good night.

Good night.

Hey, George,
I'm getting married.

She finds me adorable.

[humming]

You have five
new messages.

[beep]

[Arlene]
Darling, I have to whisper.

We're sharing a box
with the Teitelbaums.

How do you know she's
not out for your money?

Who is this girl?
Maybe she's a con artist.

Come on, shut up.

Maybe Abby has a multiple
personality disorder.

[beep]

Where
did she go to school?

[beep]

Does she know
about your snoring?

[beep]

Was the sex
really fantastic?

Because remember
in the past, honey,

you've had trouble
with maintaining
an er--

Shut up, shut up,
shut up.

[answering machine]
End of messages.

Yes.

Crazy--

[ring]

Hello.

Hi. It's me.

Hi.

Are you asleep?

No. Are you asleep?

No.

I just wanted
to, uh, say

it was so nice
meeting you today

and, um,
having sex with you

and meeting
your folks,

and I'm really
looking forward

to being married to you.

Me, too.

Even though I'm
a little freaked out.

Yeah. Me, too.

You are?

Yeah.
Marriage is a big deal.

That's what I said.

Do you want--

Do you want
to change your mind?

No. Do you?

No. No, I don't.

Good.

Okay, good.

Uh,

do you have
a lot of things?

I mean, you know,
uh...

like, clothes
and things?

Do you have a lot?
Because I have a--

This place is--
You're going to love it.

It's a great--
It's a great place.

It's really--
It's a great apartment.

I love this place.
It's big by New York
standards.

It's not big by,
you know,

two people
living together standards,

so do you have a, uh--

You know what?
I don't have that much.

Good. Fantastic.

Okay.

Is there anything
you want to ask me?

Oh.

Um...

I was just hoping that we
could have sex every day,

you know,
like no matter what,

like even
if we're exhausted

or one of us
has the flu or a rash

or, you know,

guests staying with us

that we still just
have to have sex every day,

like a pact.

Would that
be okay with you?

Yeah. That would be, uh--
[exhales]--

Yes.

Okay. Good.

Okay.

Well...

good night, Ira.

Good night, Abby.

Good-bye.

Shit.

Shit, shit.

Shit.

[ringing]

[Woman]
Leave a message
after the beep.

[beep]

Lea. Hey. Hi.
Uh, it's Ira.

Uh, I got to, uh,
break up with you.

I-- I--
For real this time.

I'm getting married.

Okay. Take care.

[beeps]

And I promise to love you
and make you happy and just--

just be great to you
as long as we both shall live.

Nu, you may kiss the--

Ira. It's Ira.

Oh, sorry.
That's my-- my 4:00.

Ira, you may kiss Amy.

Baby.
[both chuckle]

[guests awing]
[applause]

[chattering]

Aw! You did it, darling.
[muttering]

Did you guys get to meet
my-- my mom and dad?

Oh, are they the ones
that walked in
in the middle of our song?

[stuttering]
I'm sorry about that.
Um--

They probably just got lost
in the neighbor--

Mom-- Mom, Dad,
can you come here, please?

This is
Mr. and Mrs. Willoughby

Ira, please.
Michael and Lynne.

Lynney.
We're family now.

I'm Arlene.
Hello. Seymour Black.

Ira, don't tell me
this is your mother?
You look like his sister.

I know.
Isn't she gorgeous?

She is beautiful.
You really are.

Oh, no, no, no. Please.
Abby is beautiful.

Well, yeah.

So, I hear
you're both therapists.

[together]
Analysts.
Oh.

What's the difference?

Therapists talk,
analysts listen. It's--

Yeah. We listen to them
whine all day.

Must be draining.

Mmm. You can't imagine.

This job is responsible
for every line on my face.

I don't see a one.

Well, she's had
a lot of work done.
[laughing]

[laughing continues]

Ah.
♪♪ [piano]

♪ And every morning,
every evening ♪

♪ Ain't we got fun ♪

♪ Not much money,
oh, but, honey ♪

♪ Ain't we got fun ♪

♪ There's nothing surer ♪
♪ The rich get rich ♪

♪ And the poor get poor ♪

♪ In the meantime,
in-between time ♪

♪ Ain't we got fun ♪

♪♪ [ends]
[sparse cheering]

[Lynne]
So, Arl and Sy,
let me understand.

People pay you just to
sit there and listen
and not say anything?

They do.

One year I wrote
all my holiday cards
during sessions.

[Lynne]
Really?

Mom, that's terrible.
Oh, honey.

I'm just kidding.

How much do you get?
[Michael]
Come on, Lynney.

I'm sure the Blacks don't--
Three hundred an hour.

Really? Wow.
Just to listen to--

I know.
It sounds amazing.

Basically, you get paid
to be someone's best friend.

How fun is that?
[Seymour]
Now, you see,

Abby would be great
in our field

because she has
a big heart.

Unlike us.

[Abby]
Aw, come on. You guys
both have big hearts.

No, we don't.
We're old and mean
and very tired.

I actually used to be
very nice.

Ah, well.

You have a beautiful
speaking voice.

It's like music.
Doesn't she, Lynney?

It is very nice,
come to think of it.

Maybe you should
do voice-overs like us
if you hate your job so much.

Now, that is a terrific idea.
You'd be a natural.

Oh, no, no.
What are you talking?

I'm not kidding.
Can you hum?

♪ Hummm ♪

[people saying farewells]
Thank you guys so much!

It was so great.
Thank you.
[gasps]

Oh, my gosh!
This is the nicest car
I've ever seen.

Isn't it great?
We got a deal because
it was so last minute.

Oh, your car is so nice.
Thank you.

What's your name?
Marvin. Marvin.

I'm Abby.
This is Ira.

Congratulations.
Marvin, 92nd and Riverside.

We gotta make it fast.
I gotta get this girl in bed.

We have a rule.
I got a rule, too.

The car stays clean.
Nothing goes on in there.
Keep it clean.

Okay.
Give me a kiss.

Mmm! Do you think
there's champagne?
Oh, my God!

I love this car. You like it?
I love it so much.

Unbelievable.
How much longer?
Five minutes.

Five minutes?
That's what you said
25 minutes ago.

Twenty-five--
Six minutes. Six minutes.

Marvin, you've been
really great,
but we have to go.

No, go back in the car.
Why are you rushing?

You just got married.
What are you talking about?

We can try it again
another time.

I want my money back!

Come on, baby. Let's go.
Where are we going?

I can't believe
this neighborhood.

I mean, you can't
even find a cab.

We saw four cabs.
Those aren't cabs.

Hey, Gypsy cabs
are cabs, too.

Yeah, if you wanna die.
Excuse me.

Don't start with me.
They're don't have meters.

They're not licensed.
You could end up
in an alley or something.

[mutters]
This is great. It's perfect.

It's very romantic
on our wedding night
to be sitting--

Hey, baby, this is our
first subway ride together.
That's big.

It's-- It's big.

Give me your money, bitch!
Right now!

Everybody put
your fucking heads down
or I'll shoot!

Oh, my God!
Put them down right now!

You hear me?
Jesus Christ!

Find me the money, lady!
Come on!

Should've taken
a Gypsy cab.
Shh, shh, shh.

Ten bucks?
Ten bucks is all you got?

What am I supposed to do
with 10 fucking bucks, huh?

Can someone tell me what
the fuck I'm supposed to do now?

How much do you need?

What did you say?

Um, I said--
I said, "How much
do you need?"

What?

Abby--
Do you need $100?

Two hundred?
Two-fifty?
What do you need?

I think I have about 50,
but you should count it, okay?

I think I have 50.
Yeah. You should see.

Check.

Shit.

[money rustling]

Oh, I have 55.
That's great.

My dad gave me some extra
for the, uh, limo.

'Cause we just, uh--
So, how much more?
[clears throat]

Two hundred.

Two hundred more
or two hundreds from all--

Yeah, yeah.
Two hundred more.

Okay. Okay.
Okay, great.

Can you just, uh--
Can you give me one sec--

Can you just give me just--
I'll try to be fast.

Excuse me, sir. Hi.
Abby--

Do you have any cash,
by any chance?

Aw, thank you.
That's fantastic.

Give me a sec.
Oh, great.
Um, you know what?

I'm gonna take 40,
so you have some
walking-around money, okay?

So, um-- Hi there.
Do you have any money,
by any chance?

Uh, thank you.
That's very nice of you.

Thank you. That's wonderful.
Hi. Uh-- Get him next.

Do you have some cash?
Yeah.

Fantastic. Thanks so much.
Um-- Oh--

Okay, so,
I think we've got

about 185, 186,

187.

Um--
It's okay, okay?

I really only need,
like, 180, so--

Really?
Yeah.

Are you sure? Okay, so--
Okay, great.

Um, so then I'll keep this.
That's you.

And, uh,
we're good, right?

I really only need
a hundred, so--

You're kidding.
Are you sure?

Yeah.
Really?

Okay, well, you know what?
Just-- Just take 120
just in case.

For me. Okay.
All right.

All right. Everybody put
your fucking heads down,
all right?

Bye. Okay, so, um,
I've got, uh, $67 change.

Shall we divide it?

Does everyone
think that's fair?

That's my wife.
Oh, yeah.

A brush with death
makes you so--
I know.

♪ I've been moving
'cause my heart is true ♪

♪ Telling everyone
I know about you ♪

♪ Tell you mama
that you won't be home ♪

♪ Let your daddy know
you're not alone ♪

♪ You're the only one
I wanna do ♪

♪ Everything's new ♪

♪ And it's all 'cause of you ♪

All right.
Next present.

"For Ira and Abby.
Marriage is work.

Love, Arlene and Sy."

It does not say that.
Yes, it does. I swear.

[laughs]
Okay, well, let's see
what the loot is.

[gasps]
Do you think it's money?
Do you think it's money?

I don't know.
I bet it's money.
I bet it's money.

Okay, um--

"This certificate entitles
Mr. and Mrs. Ira Black

to one year
of couple's therapy on us
with Dr. Morris Saperstein."

Jesus Christ.
[laughs]

I'm sorry, babe.
That's okay.

That's all right.
I'm sorry.

♪ You know I'd never leave ♪

♪ You're the only one
I wanna do ♪

♪ Everything's new ♪

♪ And it's all 'cause of you ♪

[answering machine beeps]
Hi, Abby. It's dad. I just--

[beeps]
Abby, it's Henry. I--
[beeps]

[woman]
Ab--
[beeps]

[woman]
Hi, Chiquita.
Oh, my God.

Oh, baby.
No, no, no, no.

You can't be asleep.
We have to have sex.

It's 11:58.
Eleven--

Hey, Ab!
In here, sweety.

I'm sorry.
Class was really crazy today,
and they kept me over.

Oh, no worries, baby.
These are our neighbors.

This is, um--
This is Mrs. Stiplicky
from 4M.

Do you know Harry? Harry.
Harry Goldfarb, 3B.
How are you?

Ow!
I'm sorry.

Ab, can' t you
just use scissors?
Sorry.

♪ I know your sister ♪

♪♪ [continues, indistinct]

Dr. Friedman.
Ira.

How are you today?
What are you doing here?

I thought I made myself clear.
Oh, you did, you did.

I just wanted to stop by
and thank you so much
for what you did for me

and tell you
that I am doing great.

I'm a changed man!

I got married a few weeks ago.
Married. Me.

Oh, not to Lea.
Not to Lea.
I met this amazing girl.

I went with my gut,
took a leap, and I
am feeling terrific.

Like a new man.
Laid-back, no anxiety.

I'm having fun!
I'm having so much fun!

We have sex-- great sex--
all the time.

No more issues there.
What do you know?

You were right, Dr. Friedman.
Thank you, thank you,
thank you, and God bless you.

I thought
you should know.

Good luck, Ira.
I hope there isn't a catch.

Hi. Can we have
the combo, please?
Large and large.

Sure. What kind of soda
would you like with that?

A root beer.
Root beer, please.

Aw.
[chuckles]

Want to save seats?
You want me to go?

Sure.
Okay. I'll go.

Thank you so much.

Have a good time.
Thank you.

How much do I owe you?
Uh, 12.50.

Wow. That's, uh--
Do you have a payment plan?

Hi. Are we sure
this is diet, 'cause--
No.

Ira.

Ira.
Lea! Hey.

Hey. Hey.
Hey. Hey.

Hi.
[stuttering]
Hi.

I didn't see you there.
Oh, really?

'Cause I saw you
turn away.

[stuttering]
It's all right.
This is, um, awkward.

Yeah. This is--
Yeah.

Got enough there or--
Loading up?
What? Oh.

Yeah. Abby ordered.
She's a big eater.

Oh, Abby.
That's your new, uh--

Wife. Yeah.
Yeah. Wife.

God, that sounds
pretty weird.

Pretty weird.
So, how's it going?

Good. Great.
Good. Great.

Great.
Great again.

Really love being married.
Mm-hmm.

Who would've thunk?
Yeah. Not me.

So-- Hmm.
[nervous chuckle]

Cheers. Excuse me.
Yeah. Mazel.

So where is she?
I gotta say I am
really curious to--

Oh, she's, uh-- She's--
She's saving seats.

She in your PhD program?
Is that how you guys--
No.

No? I just assumed,
because let's face it, Ira,

it's not like you
really need a lot of--
Yeah.

But-- No?
Yeah, but... no.

So what does she do?
Well, she's, um--

Sh-- She's in sales.
Uh-huh.

You know, uh,
corporate stuff.
Big deals.

Big deals.
Wow. Corporate dynamo.

That is... great.

Look, Leah, I am--

I'm so sorry about--

What, about
the break-up message?

Or about the marrying
somebody else

after you convinced me
to stay with you four times
this year alone

because you needed more time
to figure things out?

Or are you sorry, Ira,
about-- what was it?
The, uh--

Oh, yeah.
The intermittent
erectile dysfunction?

Or the endless evenings
with your parents?

Or-- [stammering]
You know what? Don't--
Don't say anything,

because I should
be thanking you, Ira,
because I am so much bet--

Babe, it's about to start.
Oh, hey, babe. Okay.

Here. Here.
Seth.

Ira.

Ira? As in--

Yeah. The Ira.

Wow!
Mmm.

You are not what I pictured.

Oh?
Wait. How long were you
guys together again?

Oh, we were off and on
for about--

Nine years.
Nine--

Right.
About nine years.

Wow!
[laughs]

Well, babe, we should
probably, uh--
Okay, babe.

Are you guys seeing
the Rwanda documentary?

Oh, um, no.

[stammering]
We already saw it.

Oh. Was it amazing?

Uh, yeah. I mean, you know,
it's as amazing
as those things can be.

It's very--
It's really powerful.

We both--

Both of us--
We both loved it.

Great. Okay, well,
nice to, you know.

Yeah, nice to, uh--
nice to, uh-- Enjoy--
Enjoy the film.

I mean, as much
as you can enjoy--

[chuckling]
Stop.

Nice to meet you, babe.
Babe.

I want to see it
three more times
in the theater.

And I don't want
to wait for it
to be out on DVD.

Wasn't it good?

What are you trying for?

What?
I mean, you know,

what do you want to be
when you grow up?

Oh.
[laughs]
I don't know. I don't know.

Maybe I should be a therapist
like your dad said.

Oh. That'd be great.
You'd probably just become one
just like that.

No class, no studying.
Just open up shop

and people would
come in droves,
pay whatever you want.

Probably win an award.

That's mean.
No.

Honey, no.
I'm just saying you--

you have such a way
with people.

No. You were saying
I don't work hard

or try for things
or have any direction,

and you resent it.
I did not say that.

You implied it.
Well, maybe I implied

all the rest of that stuff
but not that I resent it.

Do you resent it?
No, sweetie.

No.

A little.
I do a little.

[scoffs]
Sorry.

No, I'm just saying,
don't you have something
you always wanted to do?

Like a career?
No.

Oh, come on.
Selling memberships
at a health club--

or should I say
deterring people
from buying memberships--

can't be the grand plan,
the life plan.

Why can't it?
Well, I mean-- What do you mean?

You mean, like work your way up
to manager of the gym?

No, I just mean work
at some job that you like
and make enough money to live.

Why can't that be the plan?
I don't know. I mean,

don't you want
to be something?

I am something.

No, of course.
Of course.

What if I just wanted
to be your wife?

That fancy enough?

[Man]
So, Ira,
you're having a problem

with what you perceive
to be Abby's lack of ambition?

No, no. It's just--

Well, she's a smart
and talented girl

who could do anything,
and she-- she--

You know she went to NYU?
I went for a year.

Mm-hmm.
How did you feel about that?

Fine.
I didn't like it.

Now, Ira,
you're not fine with it?

No, um, it-- it's fine.
It's just--

Well, as you know, Doctor,
all the studies say

couples should be
two autonomous individuals
who coexist--

never dependent on one another,
just in each other's spheres.

Abby, do you feel like
you're dependent on Ira?

Well, I have, uh, a job
and a lot of friends,
so I don't think so.

But... I don't know.
You tell me.

I've never been
in therapy before.

Is that right?
Yeah.

How does it feel so far?

Fine, thanks.

Oh.

And what about you, Ira?
Do you have a lot of friends?

I, uh--
[clears throat]

I, uh, choose to, uh,
spend a lot of time alone.

And with Abby.

Right. Of course.

But you're worried about
Abby's dependency issues?

Look, the thing is,
she doesn't really do anything.

She-- She-- She--
You know, she just has
a fake kind of job and no goals.

And a couple is supposed to--
Yeah.

He always explains about
the, uh, rubber band theory
and, uh, the magnet one.

That-- That is
what we doctors do.

We, uh-- We create
these theories,
and then we, uh--

we try to explain the mysteries
of human behavior,

and it's all just a little--
[whistles]
crazy.

What-- What are--
What are you talking about?

No. The rules are
is that a couple
is supposed to be

two autonomous individ--
[whistling]

They're supposed to be--
[Abby] I know.

It just doesn't seem like
any fun that way, right?

I mean, my parents have
been married for 32 years,

and they've never been apart
for more than a day, so--

You know, who are you supposed
to believe, a book or just what
you think feels good, right?

Whoa, Doctor, tell her
we can't go around, you know,
feeling good all the time.

It's not--
[stammering]
It's just not done.

♪ Soy Wonder, Soy Wonder ♪

♪ The taste of milk ♪
♪ Without having a cow ♪

♪ Soy Wonder is creamy
and dreamy and wow ♪

♪ In Spanish, "soy" means ♪
♪ I am ♪

♪ In English
it means delicious ♪

♪ Soy Wonder ♪

"May contain trace amounts
of dairy products.

"If you're lactose intolerant,
please consult a physician

before enjoying Soy Wonder."

Joe, that was great.
I think we got it.

Great.

That's it? My day rate,
you know, is 18 grand.

You want to do it again?

Nope.

See you soon, Mike.
Always a pleasure, Joe.

[Joe] All right.
Joe Buck, ladies and gentlemen.

Mr. Buck, I am such a fan.
Aw, thanks so much, Billy.

Uh, Bobby is actually, um--

What do you know?
You came!

Hey, I just
called you on a whim.
I didn't think--

I just didn't know.
Come on in.

I had a patient cancel
at the last minute,

and, uh, my office is nearby,
so I thought, what the hell.

Well, it's just so great
to see you.

Oh, no.
Well, thanks.

You have such
a wonderful voice.

Oh, no, no. You know,
I just fool around
and sing a little now and then.

Just-- You know,
just showing off.
[laughs]

So, you want to see
how this whole deal works?

Well, uh, I--
[stammering]
Yeah.

Jimmy, can we record
that Bliss Spa track now?

Yeah, yeah.
Sure, Mike.

Right-- Right now
we're gonna--

If not now, when?
Play one for me, Jimmy.

Okay, now, listen
[tape whirring]

and concentrate.

You're gonna hear
three beeps.

Are you listening?
[mutters]

Here's what
you're gonna do.

You're gonna say
the first line here
kind of sweet.

You can do that, can't you?
I'll try.

The second one a little deeper,
like you're whispering.

The third one even deeper,
kind of throaty.

Then on the tag,
I want a heavy sigh.

You can give me a heavy sigh,
can't you?

Spaaah.

Aaah.
You want to give it a whirl?

Well, uhhhh--
Yes.

I can't believe
you won therapy.

I won it?
It's not a competition.

Oh, yes, it is.
Yes, it is.
Oh.

God, how humiliating it is
to be a therapist and have two
parents who are therapists.

Analysts.
Whatever. And you
have never even been to therapy

and doesn't even believe
in therapy, and you're
the one he sides with.

That's just perfect.
We can get a second opinion.

That's all I need is another
therapist to tell me I'm crazy
and you're sane and charming.

I mean, look at you.
You're the crazy one.
You're a crazy kook.

It's so obvious.
Okay, fine. I'm the crazy one.

Yeah.
I'm crazier. Hey,
I'm crazy, by the way.

I'm the crazy one
of us two.
Yeah.

I'm the crazy one,
just so you guys know.

Yeah, you are crazy.
You know what? You are.

And you know what?
Your parents-- Your parents
are crazier than my parents.

Fine. My parents
are crazier than yours.

They are.
You win.

Hi!
[sighs]

[Arlene] Bliss is clean.
[water falling]

Bliss is bold.
♪♪ [Serene Instrumental ]

Find your Bliss

Spaaah.

Wow, that's good.
[mutters]

Jimmy, can you mark that?
I already did.

Great. Why don't you
take lunch?

Okay. Yeah,
I'll see you in an hour.

Very nice work, Arlene.
Thanks.

Thanks so much.
Very good.

See, I told you you'd be
a natural at this.

Was I really good?
Oh, you were terrific!

You could have quite a career
at this kind of thing
if you wanted to.

Oh, don't be silly.
Really?

Sure. Listen, a good voice
is always hard to find.

Well, I just had
such a good time.
[sighs]

That's all.
I can see why
you like this so much.

Well, it sure beats the hell
out of corporate law.

And I would imagine
listening to the whining too.

Oh-- Oh, speaking
of whining--
Oh, what?

Ooh, I should get going.
I have a patient at 2:00.
Oh.

All right, listen.
I'll keep you posted
on this thing.

I know the client's
going to love you.

Whatever.

I'm just...
glad I came.

Me too.

Oh! Ah!

I've been wanting
to do that all day.
Me too.

I can't believe how much
I've been thinking about you.

Me too. All the time.
Ever since the wedding.

[Abby]
Mom, these are uninspired.

We need a great card this year.
It's the first year with Ira.

I've got high hopes here.

You do? I feel like
we're coming up dry.
Uh--

What have we
not thought of?
Let me just--

What about jailbirds?

[both] Jailbirds!
Baby, good one!

I thought you were still
mad.
I must have one here.

[Abby]
'Cause I won therapy.

Jailbirds is perfect.
Hey, Daddy.

Hey, Michael.
Hi, gang.

Mmm. So what's going on?

Oh, we're just trying to decide
on the holiday card costume.

Ira thought of jailbirds.
What do you think?

Uh, sure. Sure.
Sounds good.

Oh, and, sweetheart,
we were thinking
it might be nice

to include Arlene and Seymour
in the card.

As a gesture.
What do you think?
Shall we call Arl and Sy?

Hmm?

All right.
Everyone ready? Smile!
Okay.

We're on.
Come on.

[All Talking At Once]

[laughs]
[shutter clicks]

Ah!
Whoo!

That was the best one, I think.
All right. One more.

No, no, you guys.
One more. Come on.

You guys have been doing
this holiday card thing
for how long?

Oh, gosh.
I guess it's been--

Nine years?
Hon, can you remember?

[Michael]
No, I think it's 10,
'cause, uh-- Let's see.

We've done, um, uh,
Hare Krishnas,
country bumpkins,

hobos, superheroes,
Salvation Army--

Salvation Army.
Uh, whores and pimps.

Ooh, that was a very good year.
And the members of KISS.

Oh, that makeup
took forever.
[laughs]

The Rat Pack.
I was Sammy Davis.

Hey, babe.
[Abby] I was Dean Martin.

That's eight, plus today.

So nine.
[Michael]
I think you're forgetting one.

I've got the album.
Well, check it out.

It's right in there.

Oh, Grease!

I had forgotten.
[Michael]
See? Ten.

Who are these guys?
Oh, that's Gus,

Abby's first husband,

and that's Ron,
her second.

[chuckling]

Is that a joke?

[Lynne]
Oh.

Mmm.

Honey?

Ron and Gus?

Ron and Gus?

Dr. Friedman was right.

[Lynne] I'm sorry.
We thought he knew.
Mom, it's okay.

[Ira]
Oh, no, it's okay.
It's fine. It's no big deal.

It just makes our marriage
a big lie, but, you know,
no problem.

I know this looks awful.
You think?

I know it's so bad, but--
but they were--
they were dumb mistakes.

I was really young,
and I-- I--

I have a hard time
saying no to people.

So you marry them? What else
have you lied about, Ab?
No.

I didn't lie. I mean,
you-- you didn't ask.

Oh, come on.
And if I thought to ask,
if I thought to say,

"Gee, baby, how many times
have you been married before"--

Then I would've told you.
Great. And did you think

that I would be thrilled?
No, I just

hoped that by the time
you found out, you'd love me,
and it wouldn't matter.

Why should it matter?
It's only two husbands.

Come to think of it, I
don't know if that's true.
Is there any more in there?

Should I keep flipping through?
Maybe I'll find
three through six.

Are they numbered on the back?
There were only two.

Only two, huh?
Great news.

Did they all have
nice ceremonies out back
just like ours?

Just Ronnie.

Oh. Ronnie.

Now Ron's Ronnie.

Well, why on earth
did you divorce Ronnie, Abby?

He looks pretty hot here
as Danny Zuko.
Did you like his face too?

No, I didn't. I mean, I don't
know.
Then what happened?

If you have such a hard time
saying no to people,
what happened?

Why'd you get a divorce?
Did he find out you were
an ex-con or something?

What happened, Ab?
Why'd you get a divorce?
That's what I want to know.

Why didn't you--
Why did you get a divorce, Ab?

[door slams]

They got a divorce
because Ron cheated on her.

Gus cheated on her too
with one of her bridesmaids.

Well, why are they
still in the album?

I just like the pictures.

[footsteps approaching]

Honey--

I'm sorry I got
so crazy.

No, I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry.
[crying]

Hey. Hey.
It's 11:00. It's 11:00.

Let's not mess up
our perfect record, okay?

Really?
Yeah, really.

Oh, really?
Oh, yeah.

Okay.

[laughing]

Get those off.

Turn the light off.
Okay.

[both chuckle]

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Okay.

[both muttering]

Babe--
Just give me a second.

Okay, sweetie.

Do you want me to--
No, don't tug it.

So, Ira, it seems you
can't accept the reality
of Abby's past relationships.

No, I can. Of course I can.
I just can't eat or sleep,
that's all.

Or get an erection.
Hmm.

Why we came.
I know, but just--

And, Abby,
how does this make you feel?

Well, bad.

I mean, it makes me
feel bad.

Like he regrets
marrying me or something.

Ask him.

Ask Ira, Abby.

Okay.

Um, Ira,

do you regret
marrying me?

Regret? No.

Sweetie.
[chuckles]

No, of course not.
[chuckles]

I just--
You know, maybe

things could've gone more slowly
without this taint,

this false premise, you know,
which everything is based on.

So, no, no matter what we do,
it's all wrong.

It's like the shotgun wedding,
only instead of pregnant,

we got two lied-about divorces,
so it can never be right again.

It can never be right again.
I don't know.

I mean, you didn't tell me
about Gus or Donnie.
Ronnie.

Right.
That's my name.

Oh, yeah?
I always loved that name.

Oh. Well, thank you.
It's a nice ring to it.

It's like someone
you want to know.
You know what I mean?

I was actually named
after my great uncle,
the Honorable Judge Ronald.

Really?
Look, the point is,

she didn't tell me
about two ex-husbands.

That's big.
Okay, but, sweetie,

that was back when we
were getting married,
before I loved you.

You didn't love me when we got
married?
I didn't know you.

We only knew each other a week.
It was a leap.

God, I hate the way you get
totally reasonable
in a crisis situation.

I mean, do you see
what I'm dealing with here?
I mean-- Ahh!

It's so infuriating,
because it's not like her.

I mean, she's like
a "head in the clouds,
live for the moment" girl.

And now she's-- she's--
[stammering]
I don't know what she is.

I mean, that's the point, man.
What was I thinking when I said
I would marry you?

I think you thought
I was cute and smart,
and you liked that I liked you.

You did like me, right?

Right off the bat?
I liked you right off the bat.

Me too.
I liked you too.

And I had
a really good feeling
about everything.

Me too. I had a really
good feeling about everything.

And for me, it just--
it got... better

and better every day
that I knew you.

Me too. Every new thing
every new thing
was, like, fuck!

How did I get this lucky?
Me too.

I mean, you know,
what are the odds

that two strangers,
basically, could get married

and then fall...
totally in love
with one another?

Are you totally
in love with me?

Um,

I don't really know.

I guess not.

Are you totally
in love with me?

Yes.

I'm sorry.
[mutters]

[crying]

♪♪ [band]

♪ It's the most wonderful time
of the year ♪

♪ With the kids
jingle belling ♪

♪ And everyone telling you
be of good cheer ♪

♪ It's the most wonderful time
of the year ♪

♪ It's the hap-happiest season
of all ♪
[indistinct]

♪ With those
holiday greetings ♪
[beeps]

[electronic voice]
You have no messages.

♪ When friends come to call ♪

♪ It's the hap-happiest
season of all ♪

I'm really grateful
for these sessions, you know?

Yes, mister?

Uh-- Uh--

I-- You know, I--
I don't know.
I don't know.

I don't know.
Just-- Just bring--
You know what?

Bring me whatever you want.

♪ Tales of the glories
of Christmases long, long ago ♪

♪ It's the most
wonderful time ♪

♪ Of the year ♪

[ringing]
Hello?

Hi, sweetheart.
How are you?

You know, terrible.
Ohhh.

Are you gonna
take your own life?

No, I'm not gonna
take my own life.

I'm just... sad.

Oh, honey, I know.
Me too.

Have you talked
to Lea recently?

Mom, that's not helpful.

Sweetheart,
maybe it's all for the best.

You're very different people--
you and Abby.

Not to mention
those crazy parents.

You seem to get on
with them pretty well,
and you seem to like

your new career
as a voice-over artist
pretty well.

[scoffs]
Please, it's not a career.
I did one spot.

Listen to you.
You already got the lingo down.

You know, maybe Dr. Friedman
would take you back, sweetie.

You've certainly got
a lot of new ground to cover.

Oh, that's great.
He's the one that
got me into this mess.

And now when I'm through
the worst of it,
he'll take me back

he'll take me back
for the low, low price
of 250 an hour.

Oh, honey, we'll pay.
It'd be our pleasure.

I've been back with him
for a month.

Oh.

Well, good.

That's good.
We'll send you a check.

No, you don't have to.

It'll make me feel better.

Okay, thanks.

Love you.
[beeps off]

[beeps off]

Hey! How's it going
out there?

You about ready
for a break?

Oh, honey, I--
I'm making your favorite.

Roast chicken
and potatoes.

Gee, honey, that's, um--
Mmm!

Remember, I got another
casting session tonight
for McDonald's?

Oh, no, I didn't
remember that.
[groans]

How late do you think
it'll go?
Late.

Oh.
I'm sorry.
It's such a drag.

Wow, that looks wonderful.
Oh, no, that's all right.

We'll-- We'll eat it tomorrow,
that's all. It'll keep.

You bet.
Hmm?

Don't wait up.
Uh-- No.

If you count their first
marriage, it's his third
and his sixth.

But in terms
of different spouse--

[TV off]

[beeping]

[ringing]

You've reached
Dr. Arnold Friedman.

Please leave a message.
[beeps]

Dr. Friedman, it's Ira Black.
I was just hoping to, uh--

I'm just gonna do
a session over the phone, okay?

I mean, I'm lying down,
and you can listen
from your chair

where you normally sit when
it's convenient for you, okay?

'Cause I can't wait
until Thursday.
[sighs]

Well, I'm just sitting here
watching TV and, you know,

I can't figure things out
at all.

I mean, nothing makes
any sense to me at all.

[Arlene laughing]
[Michael] Oh!

This is crazy.
Oh!

I feel like I'm 16.

Me too.
I can't get enough of you.

[sighs]
It's like some kind
of drug or something.

[sighs]

You know, I feel so guilty
saying this, 'cause
I love Lynney so much--

she's an angel--

but sometimes
I feel like--

What?

Well, sometimes it feels
like being with a--

a sister or something.

Oh, God,
that sounds so terrible.
Shhh.

No. I understand.

You do?
Yeah.

[Ira]
Did Liz Taylor say, "Till death
do us part" every freaking time?

I mean, does no one take notice
of their own hypocrisy?

Do people really want to spend
a hundred grand or 300 grand
on a 50-50 shot at best?

I mean, it's just a fantasy.
All of it.

Monogamy and marriage
and vows--

It's just--
It's not living
in the real world.

When are we all going to
admit that?
I won't listen!

You wouldn't tell the truth
anyway!
I would too.

Would not!
I would "tot."

I'd tell you anything
you want to know.

Well, you know--
I don't know.

Maybe we need
our delusions, right?

Maybe we're nothing
without our fantasies
that we live in a better world.

Are you a dirty rotten crook?

I mean, look at this.
The Music Man, a timeless
classic story, right?

It's about a
traveling salesman

who scams a town into
joining a marching band

that doesn't exist.

And... he's just a big liar.

But... no one's mad at him.

The librarian falls
in love with him

and the kid with the stutter
can suddenly talk fine,

all because of
a big, fat lie.

God.

What does it all mean,
Dr. Friedman?

In this world, Elwood,
you must be oh-so smart

or oh-so pleasant.

Well, for years, I was smart.

I recommend pleasant.

You may quote me.

[door unlocking]

[knocking]

[knocking continues]

Coming, coming.

Michael, I'm sorry
about the hour, but, uh...

I need to talk to Abby
for a few minutes.

What?

See, I saw Harvey
tonight on AMC.

IRA, it's 2:00 in the morning.

I know, I know,
but see...

I...

I was an asshole.
Excuse me, but I just...

I just didn't get it,
you know, because it
came too easy.

And she just...
She just liked my face.

And I didn't understand why.

Ira, she just went through
her third divorce.

Annulment.
Michael, technically,
it's an annulment.

Annulment.
Whatever.

I just think she needs
some time to--

It's okay, Dad.

It's okay.

Hi.

Hi.

And I promise to love you
and not take you for granted

and try not to harbor
resentment for Gus,

and Ronnie, and have sex
with you every other day,

and... and
not over-think stuff.

Or be in my head too much
and just...

Just be sweet to you

as long as we remain married.

You may kiss the bride.

[cheering]

♪♪ [piano]

Oh, I'm so glad you guys
could be here.

[gasps]
You look beautiful!

[chattering]

You guys look great.

[gasps]
Oh, my God!

Congratulations.

I'm so glad you came.
I didn't know
you were gonna make it.

Ira, this is Gus...

Hey, man.

How you doing?

And this is Ronnie.
Hey, man.

Ronnie.

Eyes wide open,
no more secrets, right?

That's our plan.

Very cool.
Very cool.

I'm gonna check on
the tunes, okay?

I'm so glad you guys
are here.

So, congratulations, man.
Abby still looks hot.

Yeah, she was a cool wife.

Oh, my God, Miss Willoughby,
this is incredible.

Oh, don't tell me.
This is all Arlene.

She really outdid herself.

Michael and I could never have
afforded a night like this.

We still haven't paid
for the last one.

It's really shifting
the very paradigm.

Yes, the rejection
of the traditional vows

in favor of ritualizing
the acceptance

or even celebration of the flaws
of the system.

Quite remarkable.

[chuckles]

I'm gonna get another drink.

Excuse me, I've gotta--

I'll be right back.

[laughing]

I've gotta get back!

I've gotta get back.
Okay. All right.

[shrieks]

How's my lipstick?

Oh, you're gorgeous.

I'll go first.

♪♪ ["Lady Marmalade"]

Ooh.

Oh.
[giggles]

Arlene, come sit down here.

You look so beautiful today.

Oh, no, please.

You do.
Thank you.

You always look so
young and gorgeous.

I just... how do you do it?

What's your secret?

[clinking glass]

I just wanted
to say one thing.

Um... As many of you know,
I love weddings.

I've had a bunch of them.

[laughing]

My therapist says
that it's probably

because I've been searching
for a love that compares to
the one my Mom and Dad have.

Pure, true, constant.

You guys set
a pretty high bar.

Anyway, I've had
a few tries now,

and I think I
finally got it right.

So, thank you.
I love you.

Thanks, my in-laws, for this
beautiful day and this dress.

I hope I can call
Dr. Saperstein
and tell him we're done.

[door opening]

Where would I find the time?

I mean, I'm just...
I'm so exhausted by
the time I get home.

Hi. Are you
waiting for a tour?

Yeah.

I'm Abby. Hi.
Hi, Abby.

So, why are you here, Ira?

My mom's cheating
on my dad again.

Hmm.

How do you know?

I saw her kissing my wife's
father at our wedding.

So...

What brings you here
today, Michael?

Well, I don't know
how it happened,

but it seems that
I'm cheating on my wife

with my daughter's
mother-in-law.

Well.

Why are you
here today, Lynn?

Well, I'm 57,

and I... I just
feel like my face

doesn't match
my insides anymore.

Know what I mean by that?

Oh, yeah. I do about
20 women a month.

So, um, what
brings you here, Lea?

My new boyfriend is in love
with a 21-year-old.

Oh, my God, I'm sorry.
Yay.

Oh, I'm so sorry.
Named Britney.

Ugh!

It all started at the wedding.

The first one.
There was just another.

I'm sorry.
Your second wife's father
was at your first wedding?

Yes, my second wife's father
is my first wife's father.

I married my wife twice.

Anyway, it was
a perfect day...
except for this.

Well, except for this and
Ronnie and Gus, my wife's
ex-husbands.

I don't want
to talk about them.

Just feels so good to
talk to someone about it.

Know what I mean?

I mean, cause, most of
the people I know

just seem so distracted
when I talk to them.

Like I bore them,
or something.

Which is why I come here
and spend all this money.

So I get what I don't
get in the marriage,
just someone's attention.

What's especially hard

is that my last boyfriend
broke up with me
out of the blue

and then he married
this corporate power woman

and, you know what?
It wasn't even like
he was the one.

He was more like
my back-up guys, but still.

I don't know what to do.

I mean, I'm a very
happily married man--

Right.

But I seem to have
this addiction, I guess.

And I need to stop.

I'm... I'm just
wracked with guilt.

Maybe I should
have an affair.

I can't believe I said that.

[laughs]

Why would I say that?

You can say anything
that occurs to you.

It won't leave this room.

I just...

I just feel older around Lynn.

Just...

Closer to death, somehow.

I think you're the perfect
candidate for a face lift.

I'd also recommend
a chin implant

to stretch the skin
around your mouth a little bit

so that it matches
the rest of your new face,

and after that,
it's pretty much maintenance.

Monthly injectibles,
chemical peels,

lasers to zap
those capillaries.

But you need to work
with me on the body issues.

Do you belong to a gym?

I'm definitely gonna join.

Oh, no.
Please, don't.

Don't. I'm just gonna
give you some guest passes.

But look, you have to
call the back-up guy, okay?

Okay. You're right.
I know you're right.

I need closure.
You do.

You need to know
what happened.

It's always better
to know what happened.

Does your wife know?

No.

No. I could never tell her.

She worships her parents.
I could--

Ira, marriage
is based on trust.

Without that,
you have nothing.

So, do you want to tell me
about Gus and Ronnie?

Do I... uh...

Hi.

It's me.

I need to see you tonight.

Mom?

What are you doing here?

I'm gonna do two shifts
a week for membership.

Wha--
[laughs]

Well, that's--
I--

I can just give you
some guest passes if
you want to come in.

[phone rings]

Paris Health Club.
This is Lynney.

[giggling]

[beep]
Mailbox one.

You have one new message.

[Abby]
Hey, baby, it's me.

I'm gonna be late tonight.
I have to work 'til 8,

and I'm having dinner
with Ronnie.

Did I tell you that?

He really has to
see me about something.

By the way, my mom's
training at the front desk.
It's really weird.

I gotta go.
Bye.

[beep]

[phone rings]

Hello?

Well, hey.

Yeah.

Which patient?

All right.
An emergency is
an emergency, I guess.

Hi.

Hi.

We understand
each other, right?

I mean, you don't feel
like standing up, do you?

I didn't see nothing.

See that, pop?

Look, I don't know
nothing, mac.

He's too busy.
He's got his girlfriend, right?

That your girlfriend, pal?

Huh?

Yeah.
Yeah?

You his girlfriend?

Can someone tell me
what the fuck I'm supposed
to do now?

How much you need?

What did you say?

I said, how much do you need?

Abby--
Sorry.

Do you need $100?

$200? $250?
What do you need?

I need $200.

Okay.

Could you just
give me a sec?

Just give me
one second.

Sir?
Hi, do you have any cash?

Oh, thank you
so much.

Thank you.
Thank you so much.

Hey, thank you.

Thank you so much.

Oh, thanks--

Thank you.
You're welcome.

Hey, babe.
Hey, you guys.

You wanna go next?

Yeah.
Yeah. Rock and roll.

Oh, great.
Excuse me.
Thanks a lot.

I'm so glad you're here.

Mmm.

Oh, don't worry, sweetie.
This will just take a second.

Take a second...
[echoes]

[cheering, whooping]

Abby, no!

[phone rings]

Abby, no!

Ah, shit.

[ringing continues]

Hello?

Hello, Da--
Hey.

Hey, pop.
How are you?

What?

No, I...
No, I haven't eaten.

Why?

So, uh, is Abby coming?
Should I save any of this?

Oh, uh... no.
No.

She's out late with a...

She won't be coming.

You all right?
You seem a little...

Preoccupied.
Oh, no. I'm fine.

I just had weird...
Just...

I don't know.

Can I get your professional
opinion on something?

I don't like my
new guy that much.

Sure. What's on your mind?

Well, what's your advice
dealing with jealousy
bordering on obsession?

Are you still on
that Gus and Ronnie thing?

Come on, Ira.
You've gotta get past that.

No, I just--
It's not just them.

It's a bigger
kind of jealousy.

Of everyone, really.

I mean, do you ever get
jealous if Mom, you know,
flirts with another man?

Yeah, sure.

You mean Michael?

What?

What do you mean?

Come on.

I drink.
I'm not blind.

Right, yeah.

I guess I could see some...

kind of flirtation.
You know, if I was
really looking for it.

Yeah, that's one
word for it, yeah.

So, how do you...

Are you...

Am I jealous?
Yeah, sure.

Hurts like hell.

What can I do about it?

I can yell and scream.

I can go into therapy.
I can get a divorce.

I can get even.

Have an affair of my own.

It helps.
You know, it does.

Or I can just
wait it out, right?

Those are my options.

But God, Dad, don't you...

want...

What?

Safety?

A guarantee that you're
always gonna know someone?

That they're never
gonna leave you?

That they're never gonna
find someone they like
better than you?

Yeah, maybe.

Yes.

Got news for you.

You'll never get that.

The best you can do is

stack the deck,
build a history,

logs the years,
have kids.

It helps.
It all helps.

Makes it more
difficult to leave.

But you'll never
really know someone.

God.

Dad...

That's depressing.

That's why I drink.

Hey.
Ira, hey.

Lea, hi.

Hi.
What are you doing here?

Oh, God,
this is so weird.

I just-- I was trying
to e-mail you,

and I just--
[stammers]

I am going through stuff,

and I wanted to see you,
and talk, and get some closure

but I'm sure
this is a bad time, so...

No, no, it's not.
It's fine.

Yeah?
Well...

Want to go to the diner
and get a cup of coffee?

Is everything all right
with, um--

Something going on
with that tall guy, Scott?

Seth? No.

I mean... good.
We're good.

No, I mean, it didn't--

That's part of
the whole--

I'm sorry.

Thanks, me too.

Uh, how about you?

How's your marriage,
and, uh, you know.

Oh, it's--

It's...

You okay, Ira?

Uh...

Yeah.

Are you sure?

Yeah.

But you know what?
I, uh...

I don't really feel like--
I feel like a drink, you know?

Would you be up for that?
Not a coffee.

No, okay.
Where to?

Uh, let's go to that place
on 92nd that you like so much.

Is that okay?
Yeah.

What were we saying?
What were we talking about?

You were telling me
how your marriage was.

Right, oh.
How is my marriage?

Right, right.
Well...

Where to start,
where to start.

We got divorced a while ago--

You did?
And then we...

That's terrible.
I'm sorry.

I didn't know.
I...

We've been so out of touch.

Yeah. Yeah, well...

It's been awhile--

Listen, I, um--
I have a great bottle of red

at my apartment, if you--
do you want to just talk there?

Listen to me
just droning on

when we haven't even talked
about you and your divorce.

What happened?

Oh...

The short version is she's
still in love with her ex.

Oh, my God.
I'm so sorry.

Yeah. Me too.

Mmm.

But I guess
it's my fault, too.

I didn't really--

I didn't really
know her that well.

I guess you can't really know
someone unless you spend
a lot of years with them.

Uh-huh. I mean,
that's exactly what
I was saying.

God knows, I certainly
didn't know Seth.

[laughs]

Fuck.

What?

Uh--
What's the matter?

Look, Lea, I'm sorry.

I can't--
What?

I can't do this.
Oh, my God, this is fantastic.

Look, Lea,
you're a great person--

Oh, my God.
But I'm still in love--

I gotta go home.

I gotta go home.
Okay.

I want to know everything.

Hi.

Hey.

Where were you?

I was...

I thought you were
gonna be late.

Are you okay?

Yeah.

No. I don't know.

I just, I-- uh...

I really needed
to talk to you after
seeing Ronnie tonight.

Uh...

Why?

Okay, what happened?

Well, he, um--

He needed to see me
to make amends

for cheating on me.

He's in a 12-step program
He's a heroin addict.

He is? Oh, my God,
that's great!

What?

No, I mean, that's--
Wow, babe, that's heavy.

But that's great
that he's getting help.

Yeah.
Yeah.

Yeah, but it's just...

It just brought up
all this stuff for me.

You know? Just trust stuff
and old stuff,

and I--

I just wanted to be with you.

And when I got home
and you weren't here,

and you didn't
come home, I just--

I'm sorry.

I love you.

I love you, too.

I love you so much.

It's okay.
It's all right.

[crying]

So, then he ran out
because he's still
hung up on the ex-wife.

Oh, you're kidding.
Oh, yes.

It was so humiliating.

We're kissing, he seemed
very into it.

I took off my clothes,

and he bolted.

Oh, my God.
I feel so guilty.

I'm the one who told you
to call the back-up.

No, no, no, no.
You told me to get closure.

Not to have sex with him.

It's just me.
I'm very vulnerable,

and he seemed different.

I know.
I get it.

But you know what?
People don't change.

And I never had
good sex with this guy.

You're kidding?

Never.

Oh, that's good.

Good stuff today.

And to think I almost
got a face lift for him.

No. Your face is beautiful.
It's original.

Thank you.
I couldn't agree more.

I earned every one
of these wrinkles.

You go, Mommy.

Listen, Abby doesn't know yet.

Of course.

Lynney, please.

Can I just talk to you
for a minute?

Lynney.

[Arlene]
I mean, I had an affair
for the same reason

you had an affair.
It was exactly
the same reason.

I don't know why you
can't absolutely see
that point of view.

I really don't
understand that.

I'm afraid we're out of time.

Thank you.

That was a great
first step, right, Cy?

Great step.
How much we owe you?

I'm $400 an hour.

Of course you are.
Cy.

And I don't accept insurance.

[chatter]

Hey, babe.

Hi, sweetie.
Hey, this is--

Ira?
Lea!

Wait--
[both]
You know each other?

He's my husband.
He's the back-up.

What did--
What?

Oh, my God, Ira.
How could you?

This is the guy
from last night?

No. Nothing really happened.
We just--

You told me
you were divorced.

I did. I did,
and we were.

Just not now.

What?

How could you?

Okay, okay, okay, babe.
I know this looks bad,

but I saw you in
the diner with Ronnie, so--

Wait, you saw me?
You were following me?

No, I wasn't following you.

Abby, I had no
idea that you were--

Excuse me.

Babe, babe, I wasn't
following you.

I just--
You said she was
in corporate sales.

Honey. Honey,
I had this horrible dream,

and then I saw you
with Ronnie,

and Ronnie's hot, Ab.

He's tall and ripped,
and he's hot.

So you cheated on me
because Ronnie's hot?

You cheated on Abby?

No.

Ira, how could you?

Daddy, what are
you doing here?

I, uh, brought
your mother flowers.

That's so nice.
That's so nice.
Do you see, Ira?

Do you see what marriage
is supposed to be like?

Sweet and loving
and thoughtful

and-and honest,
and no one gets cheated on.

Honey...your father and I
have something to tell you.

Dr. Saperstein,
this is Dr. Silverberg.

Oh.

You've both been
so instrumental to me.

Oh, call me Aurora.

Aurora. Oh.

...if you were in session.

Dr. Friedman, do you
know Dr. Goldman?

Do you know Friedman,
Dr. Friedman?

This is
a fucking nightmare.

I am not sitting near you.

Where do you want me?

I understand you've been
seeing the man

who's been
screwing my wife.

We met at Abby and
Ira's second wedding.

Right. Great party.

If I could
have everyone's
attention, please.

I think we're ready
to get started,

so why doesn't
everybody grab a seat

or a Pilates ball.

We'll just,
we'll jump right in.

We'll get going.

Uh, for those of you
who don't know,

Ira cheated on Abby,

and her parents are
deciding to separate.

Wait a minute.

Ira cheated on Abby?

Sort of.

How can you
'sort of' cheat?

With Lea.
With Lea?

How is she?

Mom.
I'm just asking.

Who's Lea?

Ira, how could you?

I mean, Abby's the best thing
to every happen to you.

Thanks, Cy.

Dad, you're the one
who said it'd help

to have an affair
of your own,

along with some
other depressing--
What?

I said it helped

that your mother and I
both cheated, but--

You've both cheated
on each other before?

I only did before
we were married.

A family of cheaters.

Cheating is big with you.

He cheated, too.
Because he met you.

We were happy 32 years.

Were we really happy, Mom?
Or did we just never
talk about anything?

Is that what
you think, honey?

I don't know. Maybe.

I mean, how could you
let me marry Gus and Ronnie?

Who are Gus and Ronnie?

I thought
you'd like them.

Yeah, but what did I know?

I was 19 years old with Gus,
and Ronnie was a drug addict.

It's true.
They were losers.

God, I wish
I'd known that before.

Okay, let's get back
to the cheating.

The 'sort of' cheating.

Ira, I thought
you had worked out

your resentment
about Gus and Ronnie

prior to asking Abby
to remarry you.

Well, I thought
I had, too.

But I realized I hadn't
after the nightmare

I had yesterday
about the mugging.

What nightmare?
What mugging?

It was a while ago.
We were fine. It was nothing.

Walking up to muggers
with guns is not nothing.

One mugger, and I don't even
think it was loaded.

Honey, how do you know?
What, are you Kojak?

I just had a feeling.

That's what you
said about Ira.

Look, the point is
she could've been killed.

No, we made friends.

Honey, you make friends
with everyone.

With muggers and killers
and strangers on the street.

You'd make
friends with Hitler if
he came in for a tour.

Ira, it sounds to me
as if you have--

Jealousy issues?

God, you're good.

And a great deal
of hostility.

Do you have any idea
what might be

at the root of
that hostility, Ira?

Yes, I'm married to someone
who's married to everyone.

All right, Ira,

what I think
I hear you saying

is that you
have always doubted
Abby's love for you.

No, not really.

It's just been, you know,
sometimes hard for me

to believe that she
loves me in particular.

Even though
she married you.

Twice.

Yes. Right.

What is your relationship
like with your mother?

Oy, here we go.

It's, um, fine.

It's fine.

Although she never
liked me that much.

Honey, how can
you say that?

I gave you
everything I could.

You're always
putting him down.

I am?

Yes. Why do you think

he has difficulty thinking
that people really like him?

Lea liked him.

Not really.
He was a backup.
They never had good sex.

She told you that?

So, Ira, your mother's
always been a bit critical.

And judgmental.

And overbearing.

But that really changed
when she started

having the affair
with Michael.

I don't want to
hear this anymore.

That's so disappointing.
I worshipped you guys.

I mean, how could you, Dad?

I don't know, honey.
It's over now.

It certainly is.

[sighs]

Jesus.

Why would anyone
wanna get married
if there are no...

good marriages.

I mean,
what's the incentive?

I think it
makes you try harder
to stay together.

Not in our case.

It's easier, financially.

No different from
living together.

There are some
things with taxes, but--

Children are the reason.

You do it
for your children,

to set a good example.

Look how well
that turned out.

Maybe...

there is no reason.

Except for a great party.

Yeah, you know, maybe
marriage is just a fad.

That's had
an unusually long run.

You know, some guy
came up with the idea
back in the day,

people went with it,
and now, you know,

no one really
thinks about it anymore.

They just...just do it...

because...because
everyone else does.

Like bottled water.

Or man sandals.

Or paying
complete strangers

to solve your
personal problems.

You know, I have to
take offense at that.

I'm sorry, Roland.
She didn't mean it.

You're just
sticking that to us.

She's right.
She's right.

The only reason
we make money

is that people can't
talk to each other.

Ab?

Yeah?

I'm really sorry
about the Lea thing.

No, I'm sorry I didn't
make you feel loved enough.

Honey, honey,
it's not your fault.

It's my mom's.
My fault.

All right, I don't think
this is about assigning blame.

No, blame
can be liberating.

I do think it's her fault.

This is very
unprofessional.

She has
ruined my life.

Okay, I think we're all
a little hungry,

so let me just
pass these around.

This is not about
being hungry.

That was really,
really unnecessary.

You didn't have to
say that to me.

It meant nothing?
Meant nothing?

All that secret time
for the last 6 months
meant nothing?

[everyone talking at once]

I promise to finish
whatever I start.

Eventually.

Good one.

I promise never
to lie to you

or not
tell you something,

or not tell you
everything about
something.

Even if
it's really hard.

I promise to never,
ever go into therapy again.

For any reason.

Okay.

I promise to
never marry you again

no matter how many
times you ask me.

I promise
to love you...

and only you

as long as that's true.

Me, too.

And I hope it's
a really long time, Ab.

Me, too.

Okay. All right.

Me first, you first?

You first.
Okay.

I'm the plaintiff
or the...it doesn't matter.

All right.

[sighs]

That's it.

That's it.

[laughs]

Okay.

Congratulations.

Congratulations to you.

I have class
all day, sweetie.

All right, baby.

I love you.

I love you, too.

Bye.

♪ And slowly darts ♪

♪ That we're counting ♪

Bye.

Hi.

Hi.

I just, um,
I was in the area

and I came by to see...
if we could ever...

Could I take you out sometime?
Say, Friday night?

I have a date
on Friday, Michael.

Oh.

Well, what about Saturday?

I have a date
Saturday, too.

Oh. Okay.

Well--

But...

I'm free Sunday.

♪ Let me be loved ♪

♪ Let me be loved ♪

Anyway, what is it
that you guys do?

I don't do anything.
I live off my wife.

Ah. What does she do?
What do you do?

I...I do voiceover work.

Oh. What kind of voiceover?

She's the Bliss lady.

No! You're not
the Bliss lady?

The spa place lady?

Spa.

Spa.

Oh, God.
That is fantastic.

It was a great game.

One of the best
finishes ever.

See, I bet you,
I told you

he was gonna
hit a homer to win it.

You owe me 5 bucks, dude.

I won't be paying.

♪ Wanted to say, "I will" ♪

♪ As my last testament ♪

♪ For me to be saved
and you to be brave ♪

Lea?

Yeah. Hi.

Hi.
Hi.

Uh, Morris Saperstein.

Oh, hi. Hi.

Uh, wow. You're the Lea.

Yes, I am.

They didn't tell me
you were, uh...

a knockout.

Oh, well.

I guess we...Yeah?

Yeah. Let me just...

Please.

I'm gonna go
save the seats.

Go already. Go.

Hi, can I help you?

Yes, mister?

Can I get
two eggs over easy,

whole wheat toast,
and a cup of coffee, please?

A number three, okay?

Are you sure, mister?

Yeah, I'm sure.

Actually--

♪ Wanted to say, "I will" ♪

♪ As my last testament ♪

♪ For you to be saved
and me to be brave ♪

♪ We don't have to
walk down that aisle ♪

♪ As if marriage
ain't enough ♪

♪ Well, at least
we'll be lovers ♪

♪ I've been sinking through
the drain of love ♪

♪ Lift my eyes
to skies up above ♪

♪ Listen to me,
this is how I feel ♪

♪ Since I knew you,
all my thoughts are real ♪

♪ You're the only one
I want to do ♪

♪ Everything's new ♪

♪ And it's all 'cause of you ♪

♪ I've been moving
'cause my heart is true ♪

♪ Telling everyone
I know about you ♪

♪ Tell your momma
that you won't be home ♪

♪ Let your daddy
know you're not alone ♪

♪ All I wanna do
is make you mine ♪

♪ I said I love you,
honey, anytime ♪

♪ Don't believe the things
they say about me ♪

♪ I love the things
you know I'll never be ♪

♪ You're the only one
I want to do ♪

♪ Everything's new ♪

♪ And it's all 'cause of you ♪

♪ All 'cause of you ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Now, honey, honey, honey ♪

♪ I could walk, walk, walk ♪

♪ I caught you kneeling
in the alley ♪

♪ With the baby talk ♪

♪ Now listen to me, baby,
if you can't sit still ♪

♪ I know your sister will ♪

♪ There ain't no
blood on my hands, love ♪

♪ There ain't no
blood on my hands, love ♪

♪ There ain't no
blood on my hands, love ♪

♪ The sun is up
and I understand it's me ♪

♪ I've been moving
because my heart is true ♪

♪ Telling everyone
I know about you ♪

♪ Tell your momma
that you won't be home ♪

♪ Let your daddy
know you're not alone ♪

♪ All I wanna do
is make you mine ♪

♪ I said I love you,
honey, anytime ♪

♪ Don't believe the things
they say about me ♪

♪ I love the things
you know I'll never be ♪

♪ You're the only one
I want to do ♪

♪ Everything's new ♪

♪ And it's all 'cause of you ♪

♪ All 'cause of you, yeah ♪

♪ Now, honey, honey, honey ♪

♪ I could walk, walk, walk ♪

♪ I caught you kneeling
in the alley ♪

♪ With the baby talk ♪

♪ Now listen to me, baby,
if you can't sit still ♪

♪ I know your sister will ♪

♪ There ain't no
blood on my hands, love ♪

♪ There ain't no
blood on my hands, love ♪

♪ There ain't no
blood on my hands, love ♪

♪ But the sun is up
and I understand it's me ♪

♪ And it's all 'cause of you ♪