Original subtitles

[LAUGHING]

[BOTH LAUGHING]

[GIGGLING]

[LAUGHING]

[YELPS]

Helene. Helene!

[GIGGLES]

-A-ha! -[CHUCKLES]

[GASPS AND LAUGHS]

Graham, where are thy breeches?

I mean to have thee.

[MOANS]

Oh! [CHUCKLES]

Oh!

[MUMBLING]

[HELENE CHUCKLES]

[PANTING] Oh, Helene.

-[MOANING] Jostle him, jostle him. -[MOANING]

-[MOANING] Do you feel him biggin'? -Yes.

He is bigging. Oh, he is bigging.

[BOTH MOANING]

-His hood is on. 'Tis off. -Yes.

-'Tis on. 'Tis off -[MOANING]

Oh, pump him. Yeah, pump him swiftly now.

-Pump him swiftly... Wait! -[MOANING] Yeah!

[GASPS]

-I'm about to arrive. -Oh!

[BOTH MOANING]

Oh, Helene. I'm arriving forthwith.

-I'm arriving... -HESTHER: Good day, Graham.

-[GASPS] Hesther! -Good day, Helene.

Such a beautiful day.

-Oh. -I was out collecting bluebells

and teasels for father.

I'm not disturbing?

Nay.

Graham and I were merely, um, taking exercise.

I fancy I heard the playful whickering of badgers just now.

Badgers?

Oh, yes, yes, they are most busy this time of year.

Did you want anything, Hesther?

I have a basket of nibblies.

I thought we might enjoy a family picnic. [CHUCKLES]

Mmm.

What, now?

[GROANS AND GRUNTS]

-[CREAKING] -[GROANING]

[EXHALES]

'Tis a joy to see thee perch there like a lusty whippet,

where once you were but a lolling dog.

And all thanks to my [INHALES] constant care.

Well, I should rather be bedolled once more

that I might be spared this prandial abortion.

Oh, my egg is runny as a nose.

My sausage platter's a most sinister pink.

Ugh.

What do you call that?

Um... Egg, ma'am.

I call that yellow diarrhoea.

That is the sort of thing I would expect to see from a dog's rear end

on Christmas morning.

Now, please, fetch Mr Edmund,

a fresh breakfast forthwith.

[CLATTERING]

[SIGHS] I'm sorry, sir, standards have slipped.

Your illness has kept me more at your bedside as wife than housekeeper.

Well, I'm all but recovered now.

Ye are fit then to take on a new wife?

I see no hurry.

[LAUGHING]

Tongues will wag, an unmarried pastor.

You could have your pick of the shire's finest ladies.

I should, erm, certainly like to offer myself up.

Hmm, to aid my search. Thank you, Dorothy.

Nay, nay, as a candidate.

[SPUTTERING]

[LAUGHING]

You? Oh!

With all due respect, I would seek a woman young and fresh.

You cannot honestly think I would ever consider you.

[CHUCKLES]

I am fresh within as any of young maid,

though my trouser mouth may have boldened a touch.

If hear one more word about your rancid nethers...

From which I birthed thee a son and daughter.

One more word!

Or I shall be forced to ask you to leave this household.

You would have me leave Hunderby?

It would be refreshing to take on new staff.

I've long thought how much I would [INHALES]

thrive to be attended upon by a nimble young footman.

[HUFFS] After all I have done for thee.

[INHALES DEEPLY]

'Tis not your holy duty to right the wrong

you wronged the night you raped me?

Since you tell me I was drugged by my mother to facilitate

the wretched event, I hardly think myself culpable.

Oh!

You would have me leave Hunderby?

Wander destitute, forced to sell my body

for a crust of bread?

I would rather hang myself from the nearest tree.

What you choose to do outside this parish is your business.

Where is my egg?

I want my eggy.

I want my eggy, now!

[CLEARS THROAT]

[SIGHS]

[PANTING]

We are home.

Master and the mistress of Hunderby.

Not quite yet.

But soon.

And once we're wed,

I challenge anyone to break our perfect happiness.

Oh.

Ah. Mother?

I expect Babby will be hungry

after his outdoor exertions, ma'am.

Biddy will take him sup.

-[WHIMPERING] -Oh.

Are thy teats still shy to spurt, my love?

I...

They are rather tender.

Master Ronald was born with a full set of teeth, sir.

-Mmm. -Leaving poor Mistress' nipples

little more than tattered warts.

Well.

Thy babbies have always given me the greatest of pleasure, my lamb,

even if they are as grizzled bed knobs to our son.

[MOANS]

[CHUCKLES]

You still have them?

Thy secret night hairs. Aye.

Woven about with forget-me-nots.

Perhaps I may be permitted

to take a fresh pressing?

[SNIPS SCISSORS]

[CHUCKLING]

Ah, Dorothy.

[SNIFFS] What a welcome whiff.

Oh, thank you, sir.

'Tis a while since I've had a man admire my scent.

I meant the coffee.

Might I replenish your gaping beaker, sir?

Ah, nay, nay.

I really should not. I've supped so many this morn,

that my tongue is quite as greenied as any a bouncing frog.

Mmm.

Erm, but, I should like another.

And perhaps if there are any dainties left?

Well...

[CHUCKLES] 'Tis a joy to see a mother unafraid of feeding her new shape.

Is it not, Dr Foggerty?

Indeed.

[CLEARS THROAT]

I fear mistress overtires herself.

She looks so drawn these days.

Well, nay, Mother.

-She's ne'er been happier. -Mmm.

Perhaps 'tis just the way time tugs the features of the lip.

There was even prattle in the village that she had suffered a stroke.

But I said nay, 'tis just the palsied droop of motherhood.

We pay no heed to the gossip of village boobies.

Forgive my poking nose, sir.

Only, is all well betwixt thee?

Only I note you keep separate chambers.

Well, nay.

Well, just until my annulment from Hesther arrives.

Oh, well, thank heavens. [CHUCKLES]

For, I know poor mistress is most ashamed of her butchered belows.

She cries to catch any glimpse down there.

But I've said too much.

Nay.

Speak of thou know ought that I do not.

The child's head was unusually large, sir.

Not unlike a baby buffalo.

I know of no woman who could've borne such a girth,

apart, perhaps, from Biddy,

who did birth a giant simpleton 30 year ago this day.

I see.

I know a gentleman can take solace in his wife's back place

when she has passed a child, but

even Helene's brown side hath been rendered useless.

But nature hath a wonderful way of healing.

I'm sure he will oblige.

Have you seen down there?

Not lately.

I would urge the ne'er to look again, sir.

Unless you will be forever haunted by the vision of an exploded shark.

[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]

Ooh, forgive me but...

'Tis Master Edmund, he hath taken a terrible turn.

Ah.

This is most peculiar.

I fear The Reaper hovers near.

Nay.

Perhaps he but pranged his cranium.

'Tis most perplexing when he was so much revived. I may try

a raspberry salve.

-[SCREAMS] -[SHRIEKS]

He hath been rendered naught but a shrieking turnip.

Hush-ho!

Oh, but his brain hath gone to a pulp.

See how it flows from his mouth!

[INDISTINCT MUTTERING]

[SPUTTERING]

-Hmm. -[SNIFFS]

[BELL TOLLING]

Good morning.

Pastor John! [CHUCKLES]

We are pleased to welcome thee here

to a tender, humble flock.

[LAUGHS]

I am Hesther Foggerty.

Ah, yes. I had heard there was a cripple in the village.

I see your body is quite as twisted and useless as rumour had it.

-Yes. -With a face to match.

I have a cripple here also, Pastor John.

[DOROTHY LAUGHING]

Ah, this must be our poor Brother Edmund.

Yes, he hath taken a terrible downturn, Pastor,

just as he was set to resume his ministry.

Well, I'm honoured to carry Christ's baton

until he is fit once more to purge his parish of inequity.

[INCOHERENT LOUD GIBBERISH]

Aw, he wants his bubbly milk.

He loves his bubbly milk, Pastor.

It keeps his, his bowel lines smooth,

for he battles to force any stools through, nowadays.

It's usually once a month.

-Oh, dear. -Although, praise be,

he did birth two big fat dry sausages from his back place this morn.

Lord, we thank ye.

[GRUNTS]

Do we have a, a wife, Pastor?

Nay, nay, our Lord hath been my life's companion,

although, of late, Shook hath told me

I may benefit from the services of a woman.

Well, there's rich pickings

for a bachelor here in Hunderby, Pastor.

You've got, um, well, Giant Geddy. [CHUCKLES]

Myself.

Dorothy.

HELENE: Good day, doggy.

Aren't you a handsome prince! Yes, you are.

Shook cannot usually abide the touch of a woman.

My sweet Helene could tame three-headed Cerberus himself.

I am Dr Foggerty, sir.

-Good day. -Foggerty?

Ye are kin to our saintly cretin?

It was... I was married to Dr Foggerty.

But it transpired we were born of the same mother.

-Mistress Dorothy. -Pastor John hath no interest

in clambering our family tree. Thank you, Pastor.

-[EDMUND MUMBLING LOUDLY] -My marriage to Hesther was

unnatural, sir, and is soon to be dissolved.

So, this Helene is...

-Not your wife? -Not quite.

But it'll all be square with the magistrate soon enough.

Uh, you'd be wise to square it with your God, first.

[NEIGHING]

I love this time of year,

when Lady May doth spray her

misty drizzle upon ones whorey cheek.

'Tis not Lady May's, but my drizzle.

My lamb. Why fountains thine eye?

Do ye tyre of my seasonal reflections?

Nay. 'Tis...

The new pastor.

He did fill me with such disquiet that we are not yet wed.

But we shall be.

I requested the annulment from the magistrate weeks ago.

Godspeed, horse Matthew.

[HORSE NICKERS]

HELENE: Oh. Poor Hesther, it troubles me to have her so near.

Hmm. Speaking of her mouth pong?

No, not just that.

I fear she holds hard against me

to see me living in the big house whilst she doth dwell in that hovel

like some lowly cur.

I believe she doth prefer the simple life.

I flush with guilt to be so happy, so healthy, whilst...

Ye did render her a mangled dumpling.

Oh, think ye I do not daily regret that blackened boozing night.

I do all I can to make amends.

But I will talk to Hesther,

if my lamb thinks her life's so unjust.

Oh.

Oh, Graham.

-Love me. -Oh, I love thee.

-How I love thee. -Nay.

[WHISPERS] With thy body.

-What? Here? Now? -Yes.

-You do not want to? -Nay, nay, I... I do.

-But thy belows art somewhat... -What?

I'm unappealing there?

Nay, nay, nay! I mean, I simply do not want to further disfig...

-Oh! -Wait!

Please. There's no need to hurry, my love.

We have a lifetime to explore each other.

[CHUCKLES]

[GRUNTING]

More wren soup, Father?

[GROANS]

-[GRUNTS] -Oh! [CHUCKLES]

-Not to worry, we shall try again. -[CONTINUES GROANING]

-[GRUNTS] -Oh. Oh!

-[BANGS] -Oh.

[CHUCKLING] No matter. No matter.

[GAGGING]

I could do with a little snoozy myself.

Oh.

But I know this tincture.

Graham bothered such a bottle, in his darkest hours.

It would render him quite useless.

What in heavens are you doing snivelling about under your father's bed

like some truffling sow?

I fell and... And found this, Dorothy!

Mother! [CHUCKLES]

[GASPS]

And you would begrudge your father

respite from his agonies, would ye?

Prescribed by our very own Dr Foggerty.

Well, forgive me, I... I thought perhaps...

I suggest you keep that cripple beak from that which does not concern thee.

Now, get up, get up.

-Come, get up. -Thank you.

Get up. Lazy oaf.

-[GROANS] -Ooh, ooh!

-Oh. Oh. Thank you. -[GRUNTING]

-God. Like a cadaver. -Thank you.

Oh, sorry, Father.

Now. 'Tis time to change your bottom napkins, sir.

-[GROANING] -'Tis less than 10 minutes

since last I changed it.

Well, 'tis best to freshen him off below, for

he is apt to get most matted and pimply down there.

[GROANS LOUDLY]

And then I always like to cream his mushroom after.

[EXCLAIMS SOFTLY]

DOROTHY: Oh, there.

There we are.

There we are.

-[GROANS] -Oh, he likes that.

[DOROTHY SIGHS]

[SQUELCHING]

Mother.

Mother.

Think thee such caring intimacies appropriate?

Well, we are so nearly man and wife.

[GROANS]

Well, last night, when the invalid fog lifted briefly,

he shrieked what I'm certain was my name.

And he plunged this ring deep upon my love finger.

[EXCLAIMS EXCITEDLY] Oh, let me see.

-I know. -[BOTH GIGGLE]

'Tis the Hunderby family ring.

'Tis it not his mother's ring?

That she was buried with?

-[CONTINUES GROANING] -Hmm? Oh. Here.

He wants me to carry on.

[EDMUND CONTINUES GROANING]

[KNOCKING AT THE DOOR]

Who is it?

'Tis I, Graham.

Oh, uh...

One moment.

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

[BLOWS AND SNIFFS] Mmm!

Come in.

Oh, greetings, Graham. [CHUCKLES]

Your first visit. [CHUCKLES]

What brings thee now to my simple hutch?

To see that ye are happy here.

I do worry... Helene worries, that when darkness falls and Mistress Spring

wraps us in her chilly night cape and dons her frosty moon bonnet,

that ye may be uncomfortable here.

But, perhaps, ye are... fine?

Oh, I am used to solitude now.

And the mice do make for pleasant company, come nightfall.

Might ye not be more at ease in the main house?

Oh, nay, nay. I should hate to be a burden.

Besides, my evenings are quite full.

By the time I have dressed my oozing stump

and passed a rag about my personals, 'tis time for bed.

And Christ hath always gifted me with a patchwork of slumber

betwixt the stabbing pains and night terrors.

Well, 'tis a relief to see thee happy here.

[CLEARS THROAT] I...

Oh.

Oh, nay, Graham, 'tis private.

Oh, Graham, please avert thy gaze, 'tis but girlish doodles.

Hesther... Is this...

[WHIMPERS]

Oh, gads!

-My letter to the magistrate. -Oh.

This is why we have no annulment.

Hesther, you said you would deliver this!

I must have forgot betwixt knitting bonnets for baby Ronald

-and attending my own sores. -Oh, Hesther.

Oh, Graham, please, please, do not loathe me.

I could not bear to sever our holy marriage

as you and your horse did sever the feeling in my legs that dread night.

Christ, will no one let me forget? 'Twas Brother Booze, not I!

And remember, Hesther, my sister,

our union was ne'er natural.

Not even when we were ignorant of the secret of our twin birth?

When we did lay sticky together as man and wife.

Oh, Graham, please, tell me I was not wholly unloved and disgusting.

-[CRYING] -Nay...

-Not wholly. -[WHIMPERS]

I will not speak of this sorry shrine

if ye will release me from my past

and let me begin afresh with Helene.

Will ye?

Yes.

[SIGHS]

-I best take this. -Oh, Graham, oh.

Oh, you do not trust me, please.

Please, let me make amends and I will send it forthwith, please.

-I only want your happiness. -Hesther, I...

-Very well. -Thank you.

Well...

If I did not know of your tropical travels, Brother Joseph,

I might think we'd been visited by a giant burnt hazelnut.

-Oh, indeed, Dorothy. -[BOTH LAUGH]

And you are still the colour of an old winter parsnip.

[BOTH LAUGH]

How's Ruth?

Not well.

Might I tempt thee to another finger sandwich?

Ooh! [CHUCKLES]

'Tis a most compelling flavour. [LAUGHS]

Burst calf brains on a lardy bed.

Not unlike poor Master Edmund.

He hath taken a most savage downturn of late.

I fear you maybe rather shocked by his appearance.

He is little more than a husk in a sheet.

My wife, Ruth, is the same.

What is actually wrong with Ruth?

[SIGHS]

No one knows.

She simply grows browner,

and dryer,

each year.

[SING-SONG] Hello.

Ah! Brother Joseph!

Dr Foggerty...

-Crippled Hesther. -Brother Joseph!

[GROANING]

He cried out my name.

-Did ye hear? -Gas, most likely.

Passing along his pipes by chance in the shape of your name.

A gift from the tropics, Brother.

'Tis a red-bottomed macaque.

[SCREECHES LOUDLY]

[GASPS AND MUTTERS]

Yes, he's a charming little fellow, isn't he?

[SNARLS]

Come, boy! Come, boy.

Come, boy.

We are

most perplexed by my father's sudden relapse, Brother Joseph.

Spinal sheath rolled but smoothied.

And his cerebella's strong but now...

-[SPOON CHIMING] -[GROANS]

Naught but numbness.

I might try my primrose salve again.

I wonder, Graham,

whether father's mental mist might clear a little

if you stop prescribing him laudanum.

Laudanum?

Well, I prescribed no such thing.

-'Tis the devil's juice. -Oh.

But, Dorothy doth administer it throughout the day in his bubbly milk.

Gads.

No wonder he's little more animated than a table. Laudanum?

What have thee to say, woman?

I say I have done nothing of the sort

except offer the poor man occasional relief from his suffering.

Oh, but, Dorothy...

Please, Hesther, please do not strike me.

-But I... -No more, I can take no more

-of thy lashes... -DR FOGGERTY: Hold.

-I did not... -Hold, ladies. Hold, hold.

The damage is done.

-[MACAQUE SCREECHING] -Hold, hold.

Now, first and foremost,

we must wean poor father from this terrible tincture

and mark me, 'twill not be easy.

Indeed. My holy mission once took me to the opium dens of Shanghai

where I did ease many a young man through his passage from the poppy.

-[CHURCH BELL CHIMING] -[GROANING]

DOROTHY: And he plunged this ring deep upon my love finger.

DR FOGGERTY: 'Tis the devil's juice.

[VOICES OVERLAPPING IN DREAM]

BROTHER JOSEPH: ...ease many a young man through his passage...

[VOICES CONTINUING]

EDMUND: I want my eggy!

Ah. [SIGHS]

[DOOR CLOSES]

Graham, is that thee?

Nay, Hesther. It is I, Helene.

Uh, Graham is in the woods tending an outbreak of syphilis

amongst the poor gypsy children.

Oh. His heart is so big, he loves all God's creatures.

[CHUCKLES] None above thee though, of course.

In truth, dear Hesther...

[SIGHS] I fear his passion hath staled of late.

Was it thus when you were married?

Nay, 'twas all I could do to keep Graham from my wily garden.

Oh, I thought you two had not lain together for many years.

Is that what he told you?

Oh, well, men all want to bend the truth

like a banana to save a lady's feelings.

Oh.

I'm just surprised

he could manage to love us both.

Graham is quite remarkable in the energy and volume of his outpourings.

But, I'm sure you will kerb his roving trouser. [CHUCKLES]

Dash!

Have ye seen my embroidery scissors?

Tsk. Um...

Oh.

What is this?

Oh, no.

It is our annulment request.

I did wonder why it was taking such an age.

Why hath he not sent it?

What... I cannot think.

Unless...

Unless, he is in no hurry to marry again. Oh.

[SIGHS]

Ah! My lamb.

I bring for thee a posy of lucky lavender from the gypsy children.

Go away and ne'er come back!

[HELENE CRYING]

My lamb?

Helene!

Helene!

How's Ruth?

Not well.

'Tis a joy to see thee so swiftly mended though, sir.

Thanks to you.

'Twas a tonic to be tended by a brother in a house teeming with females.

And what of your new status as father and grandfather?

'Tis baffling. I cannot recall the event.

Dorothy tells me I was drugged.

I believe you'd have to be.

-Did Ruth bear more children? -She did.

But I struggled to, er, let go within her fleshy yolk.

Mmm. I was the same with my first wife, Arabelle.

The sheer size of her fuzzy scoon did turn my stomach,

Ruth's was very small and dry.

Anything?

[CLICKS TONGUE] Still numb as pipe.

[GASPS] What shall I wear for tonight's merriment?

My aubergine trouser suit or the apple-green gerubim?

Mmm-hmm.

I'm most curious to meet this new pastor.

Are you not?

Brother, I... I am.

But I must confess, [SIGHS]

I have a burden as heavy as my soul

like a soiled napkin.

Truth be told,

I have come here as something of a fugitive,

forced to flee...

From Ruth?

Nay, nay, though a break is always welcome.

[SIGHS] My holy mission to save young brown men's souls

seems to have offended the church authorities somewhat.

Hmm.

Are these fanciful images?

Nay, nay, all drawn from memory.

Wonderful memories.

There are so many willing mortals to be had in Polynesia?

Most were willing. Some needed a little cajoling.

He was deaf, which helped.

But I fear the new pastor might also misunderstand

my unique method.

I have a notion, if you might care

-to see this method in play. -Oh, no.

Oh, the satisfaction of seeing yet another young, upturned face

brought closer to Christ by Captain Finger.

[SIGHS]

I thought you might like one of...

Mistress Arabelle's old gowns, now that she is dead.

But, it is far too large.

Well, 'tis just...

[GROANS]

Should your baby bearing width not subside.

'Tis always a delicate time for a mother after she has passed a child.

She becomes a dumpy, desire-less figure,

with little to interest the father, no sparkle left

to remind him why had he loved her.

-Hath Graham said something? -About your boxy shape?

-He said I have a boxy shape? -Did he?

Perhaps we might distract him by painting your droopy cheeks.

Nay!

Graham, he loves me well as I am.

-[WHISPERING] He hates you. -Beg your pardon?

Sorry, ma'am, what? I said nothing.

Oh.

[WHISPERING] Except he hates you.

Again!

-Who hates me? -[GIGGLES] Sorry, who hates who, ma'am?

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Uh, Master Foggerty did request

that I try and cook some chest juice out of you.

-Uh, for poor Babby Ronald? -Oh, did he?

Oh, my. [GIGGLES]

That's a porky pair of toffees.

[MOANING]

[BIRDS SCREECHING]

EDMUND: Think you will find young men in need of Christian guidance here?

BROTHER JOSEPH: Many young gypsy vagabonds do dwell in these woods.

You look most sinister in that hood, Brother.

'Tis just to keep the cold from my flapping ears.

-I'm used to warmer climes. Ah. -Huh?

I think he looks as if he may be in need of help.

Does he?

-In what way? -I saw him first.

Lead on, Captain Finger!

Wait! Do not leave me here alone, Brother!

Brother Joseph!

-[BRANCH BREAKING] -[BIRD SQUAWKING]

[FLUTE PLAYING]

Hello?

Hello?

[MUSIC CONTINUES]

Who's there?

[CHUCKLES] Good day.

[OWL HOOTING]

-[CHATTERING] -[UTENSILS CLANGING]

You look divine, Helene.

[CHATTERING]

[CLANGING]

[CLEARS THROAT]

As we are all aware,

my continued devotion to Master Edmund

hath brought him back to full health.

So, tonight is a celebration of both my unrivalled loyalty

and Master Edmund's return as pastor of Hunderby.

There will be a three-rodent supper

ranging from rat to shrew.

Followed by entertainment from those that can.

Master Edmund and myself will be dueting.

[CHUCKLES]

So, a toast.

[GRUNTING]

To Master Edmund...

-Master Edmund! -Master Edmund!

And myself.

[CLANGING]

[CHATTERING]

So, do ye still seek a wife here, Pastor?

-Hmm, I do. -Hmm.

You have a glow about you.

BIDDY: Oh, thank you.

And it is as if ye had eaten the moon.

BIDDY: Oh, well, I have made you a gift, actually, Pastor.

It's just some winter bockers.

Wool is scarce this time of the year, so...

I took the liberty of unravelling my own and re-knitting.

No, thank you.

I have rinsed them through, but there might still be a few bits.

Ugh.

I wear Hessian bockers as a rule,

Biddy, therefore

I find the constant chafing, um, puts me in mind of Christ on the cross.

Oh, I never knew Christ wore bockers on the cross.

Hmm, what is that, Shook?

Ah, um, Shook asks if we might share the first dance.

Oh.

-Yes, of course. -Ah.

My lamb, please tell me of what I am guilty.

You know full well.

-I don't... -HESTHER: Sorry, Graham?

Um, may I trouble thee to help

wheel me to the closet?

Uh... [SIGHS]

-Yes, yes of course. -[GIGGLES]

Oh.

Thank you, Graham.

Oh!

-[GRUNTS] -Oh.

-[THUDS] -[GASPING]

Thank you, Graham.

'Tis just a tinkle, I think.

HESTHER: Oh, oh, Graham?

I wonder if you mind staying close by just in case there's big ones.

[LAUGHING]

Might I tempt thee to a third mouse, Pastor John?

-Nay, my gullet is already over-clumped. -EDMUND: Oh, 'tis!

I'm not sure I've ever ingested quite so much fur in one sitting.

If I'm not careful, I will grow a tail. [LAUGHS]

I trust not.

[SIGHS]

We simply wanted to feed you up, Pastor John,

before your journey to pastures new.

Hmm, I do not intend to leave Hunderby until I have

secured a wife.

Tonight?

[CHUCKLES]

Well, that would be ideal, but first

I must finish my task as Christ's holy scooper

eking Satan's filthy eggs from the hearts of every wretched sinner

that flourishes here.

This parish is heavy cursed with liars, adulterers, murderers

and, of course, the worst kind of sinner.

Oh, and what would that be, Minister?

The unnatural man that seeks to dwell in the bottoms of other men.

Well, there are no such men like that in Hunderby,

-are there, Brother Edmund? -Nay, nay, nay.

They're everywhere!

An invisible plague of filthy brown jousters

grips this land like a whore's mouth.

Only this afternoon, shockened,

I did catch a clutch of gypsy boys peddling their wares in the woods.

I know the gypsies.

They mean no harm.

Oh, but they do, sir.

They have confessed as much.

[WHISPERS] Confessed?

Aye, sir.

They were beat a bloody black as we did seal up their back places.

Soon, we shall have descriptions

of each and every man that hath visited the woods

and paid these foul vagrants to service their heinous desires.

Minister, what will happen to such men?

They will hang.

Every last one.

-Hallelujah! [CHUCKLES] -Hallelujah!

-[CLEARS THROAT] -Oh, Master Edmund! [GIGGLING]

He is quite the lusty octopus since his recovery.

[GROANS]

[GIGGLES]

-[GROANING] -[GIGGLING]

♪ Ding dong bell Pussy in the well

♪ One a penny, two a penny

♪ Ding dong dell

♪ Who put her in

♪ Little Johnny Flynn

♪ One a penny, two a penny

♪ Pussy in the well

-[CLAPPING] -PASTOR JOHN: More?

-More. -More.

-ALL: More. -[BELL CLANGING]

I think Master Edmund is spent.

Indeed, but it was most pleasing to open my pipes to thee.

I have a piece.

HESTHER: Graham?

[PASTOR JOHN SINGING]

HESTHER: Graham?

HESTHER: Graham?

♪ And then one night when it was dark

♪ She blew up such a tiny spark

♪ That all the house was bothered

♪ Was bothered

Oh. [GIGGLING]

Thank you, Pastor John.

I do not suppose ye have anything to offer, Mistress Helene?

Nay.

Not that she had much to offer even afore child Ronald, Pastor John.

Who is in truth something of a disappointment to all of us.

Not what you could call an attractive child,

with his bulbous head and his googling eyes. [LAUGHING]

The Lord smiles upon the deformed.

Ronald is not deformed.

I'm sorry, ma'am, but what would ye know about child Ronald?

You cannot even feed him.

'Tis Biddy Ritherfoot should suckle him with her long proud nipples.

I ask, Dorothy, that thee stop!

I ask that ye stop lashing out at me, I told you, sir.

-HELENE: I do not... -My lamb.

-I am mistress here! -Not yet.

-And e'en then, only by default. -By love, Dorothy.

Oh, love, what is love?

Something you have never known.

No man hath ever wrapped himself around thee

and never shall!

Except by rape!

[GASPS AND CRIES]

[THUDS]

The devil rides out tonight.

[CRYING]

What manner of house do you keep here, Edmund?

[CRYING]

My lamb, if you will not tell me of my crimes

then at least let me soothe thee.

PASTOR JOHN: Mistress?

It pains me to see thine eyes pooling.

Excuse me, sir, while I speak with my wife.

But she is not your wife.

HESTHER: Graham, it was big ones.

[GASPS]

Oh. [SOBBING]

-PASTOR JOHN: Mistress? -[GASPS]

Oh, I hate to see thy face so lengthened.

Ye cannot have failed to catch the whiff of my swoon

whene'er ye are near.

If my knee caps were not as broken plates,

I would fall upon them now and ask for thy hand in marriage.

Ye need not answer directly.

But I would urge thee to consider carefully.

For the Lord cares not for an ageing unwed mother to a bastard.

What...

What?

'Tis just like the old days, Graham.

When we were married, and you did tend to my toilet.

But why art thou here?

I have been most unfortunately locked within throughout the evening.

Oh, dear.

I have still been able to soak up some of the jollity.

Through the wood.

Ugh. Low born she cuckoo.

How dare she speak of my dreadful rape?

[SOBBING] And in front of that Bible bleating

self-righteous law monger.

Might I say, sister, if I were a man

I would do more than rape thee.

Therein lies the terrible truth, Biddy.

I am, in fact, unrapeable.

-BIDDY: How so? -Hush up.

The story I told to make myself mother here

is... untrue.

Even when drugged blind

Master Edmund could not bear to intercourse me.

And I remain to this day a childless virgin spinster.

So...

So, Dr Foggerty, Crippled Hesther, they're not your children?

No. They're just two nobodies thrown in the workhouse.

Not even brother and sister?

Do you see a resemblance,

between the dumpy cripple and the pudge-faced doctor?

[LAUGHING]

[EXCITEDLY] Oh, Graham!

You realise what this means?

We are not brother and sister.

-And so? -We are man and wife still, Graham.

We can resume our life as 'twas.

But I am with Helene.

I love Helene and our son.

-Hesther, I... -'Tis your Christian duty, Graham,

to abide with me, your wife.

-Till death do us part. -But...

Do you forget your promise to make amends for crippling me?

-Of course not. -Oh, Graham! This is your chance. Oh!

Perhaps when you hear my wondrous news your heart will swell.

I know not if you have noted, that I am heavied of late.

Thy shape hath always erred towards the rotund, Hester.

The truth is,

I am double-dumped!

For I am chubbied with child! [GIGGLES]

-You? -Yes.

Within my swelling womb do I carry our combination.

-[LAUGHING] -[MOUTHING] What goes there?

[WHISPERING] Hesther?

-[WHISPERING] My child? -Aye.

I know ye will not recall the night, for you were in quite the boozy stupor.

But suffice to say your stout pink gentleman

did weep within me.

[WHISPERING] Oh, heaven help us!

Are ye not pleased, sir?

Pleased?

Gad, sister, I love Helene!

We have child Ronald.

Whatever atrocity I have made with thee, my own sister,

can nay be more than some balloon-headed monstrum!

Some slobbering devil dumpling dotted with teeth!

But, Graham, we are not brother and sister.

[SIGHS] It will be a beautiful child.

Combining all our best features.

And what, prithee, may ye offer in that description?

My eyebrows?