Original subtitles

(ENGINE REVS)

Come on! Spin it! Come on!

Come on! Spin it! Spin it!

Come on, Sleeky. Spin it! Spin it!

(SIREN WAILS)

The cops are coming! The cops!

The cops! The cops! The cops!

( GLASS SHATTERS 3

(SIRENS WAIL)

(TECHNO MUSIC)

(ENGINE REVS)

Hello. I'm Pauly.

Um, now, the following story — it's all true

and we didn't even change any of the names

to protect innocent or guilty,

'cause it's, like, true and that.

( MUZAK PLAYS )

(Farts)

(Farts)

(Farts)

(FLIES BUZZ)

(Dopily) Doughnuts!

(TOILET FLUSHES, EERIE SCREAMING)

( MUZAK PLAYS )

(TECHNO MUSIC)

(Farts)

(ROMANTIC OPERA MUSIC)

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

MAN: Hey, mate, are you disabled in there?

Uh, yes, I am.

I have jiggly legs and my throat has the shingles.

I can't talk anymore. Stop — arggh!

Oh, he's f—--ing lying!

I saw that able-bodied f--- walk in there.

(ROMANTIC OPERA MUSIC)

You f—--ing p----.

(TOILET FLUSHES)

(ROMANTIC OPERA MUSIC)

(Rattles door)

(TECHNO MUSIC)

(Laughs)

What's with this tricky door?

We're sick of f—--s like you using our toilet, p----!

Hey, look, come on, man. I'm late for work.

Yeah! What part of disabled don't you understand, s---head?

(TECHNO MUSIC)

(All laugh)

Open the door!

Ah, sucked in, mate! (Both laugh)

Come on!

I wish I could see your face.

(ACTION MUSIC)

(Grunts with effort)

(All scream)

(All scream)

(All scream)

Arggh!

(All scream)

(CLA'I'I'ERING)

(All groan)

(ACTION MUSIC)

(SILENCE)

Mate, them disabled have chips on their shoulders!

That's the last time I'm giving to charity, mate.

(Revs engine)

(TECHNO MUSIC)

(Man sings) ♪ Yeah ♪ Pizza...oh, yeah

(Both sing) ♪ Chicks! Chicks! Chicks! ♪

Hello? Pauly!

Habib, man. How's it going, mate?

(Woman moans)

I'm in Sleeky's car with Rocky and some chick he picked up.

Pauly, you should see her arse, mate.

It's beautiful — it's like a smooth peach.

Like a watermelon.

Hey, tell me about the system I got ya. Is it sick or what?

Look, Habib, the stereo, it's not bad, alright?

But come on, man! Iasked for bloody 12 subwoofers.

You only put seven in!

And what's with this on board computer, Habib, man?

It's just too complicated!

COMPUTER: You are exceeding the speed limit.

Shut up!

Mate, I can't find the button to switch off the voice talking.

Habib, man, give me that phone.

Pauly, bro, try the turbo button on the stereo.

(Both groan)

I haven't tried it. I'll give it a go.

SONG: ♪ Subwoofer! Sick, mate, sick!

♪ Subwoofer! Subwoofer! ♪

What about those subwoofers, huh?

Yeah, alright, it's not bad, you know. Not bad.

Ooh! Habib! You should see what I can see, man.

It's this sexy pants chick.

She's wearing, like, tight little zip pants.

She's on a motorbike.

She's got boots and, oh... It's Puss in Boots, mate.

Oh, my God, stop it! You're making me horny.

(Both groan)

Oh, look at that... Pauly...

Hey, hold on. I've got a call.

Hello?

You're a minute late for work, Pauly.

Oh, come on, Bobo, man!

Where are ya? What's going on?

Why do you think I'm late? I picked up your wedding ring.

Shut up! Get in here!

Oh, what an arse! I have to get this chick's number.

(TECHNO MUSIC)

(SCARY MUSIC)

Arggh!

(TYRES SQUEAL)

(Screams indistinctly) A transtesticle!

(ITALIAN MUSIC)

(PHONE RINGS)

Fat Pizza pizzas. They're big and they're cheesy.

I just want to check — what's on a ham and pineapple, mate?

Pauly, this is the new worker — Davo.

Alright, today's your first day.

I hope Bobo's told you about this job.

Delivering pizzas! I've got the hot bag and the burn bag.

Man, don't be so ignorant.

You are dealing with the public!

Pizza delivery is a dangerous business.

Now, to stay alive, man,

you're gonna have to follow three simple rules.

Listen, 'cause I'm not saying them again, alright?

Number one — if the customer, like, invites you inside,

never go in, mate — never!

Do come in! I have a nice hot tip waiting for you.

(ALARM BLARES )

Mate, rule number two — man, get a fake licence from Habib.

(TYRES SQUEAL)

Can I see your licence, please, sir?

Of course. I mean, it's required by law.

My name is Jerry MacFetus,

with the Scottish pronunciation Mac,

'cause that's my background.

(BAGPIPES PLAY) (Screams)

I love them haggis.

Now, the third rule is...

Is them thongs?

They're not thongs, they're cross-trainers!

Yes, they are.

Look, the third rule is — Bobo's mad and he's a tight-arse

and, like, worst of all,

if you see him coming with the chainsaw...

Arggh!

Run, mate! Arggh!

See, Bobo, man, he's a 40-year-old virgin.

Don't tell him I told ya.

Mate, that's why he's violent, man. He's horny all the time.

And the bloke still lives with his mama.

Do you believe that?

(ACCORDION MUSIC)

You're telling me he's never had sex?

There was one time.

But the woman had a penis.

(Woman sings) ♪ I'm fascinated by your love, boy

♪ I'm fascinated by your love toy

♪ I'm fascinated by... ♪

Are you a real woman? (Laughs)

And, mate, Bobo's particularly stressed today

because, man, tomorrow

he's meant to get married to, like, a mail-order chick.

(ROMANTIC MUSIC SWELLS)

Bobo!

(MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY) Mama!

Can I have the credit card? (MODEM BEEPS)

The bloke is such a cheap-arse, what he's done —

he's making her sneak into the country, mate, like a refugee

in one of them, what, them little putt-putt boats,

with a small engine.

(ORIENTAL MUSIC)

(Man sings) ♪ Where you walk Flowers bloom

♪ When you smile, all the gloom

♪ Turns to sunshine

♪ And my heart opens wide

♪ When you're gone it fades... ♪

Bobo, why do you want to get married

when you can live with your mama?!

(ITALIAN MUSIC PLAYS SOFTLY )

What are you bludgers lookin' at?!

Any orders, Bobo?

Shut up!

MAN: Stop! You cannot enter Australia illegally.

(EXCITED HUBBUB)

(Speaks foreign language)

Get 'em! Get 'em!

Who are these guys?

(JAUNTY MUSIC)

Mate, this is the former employee hall of shame.

Now, you see this bloke here? Now, this is Dougie, mate.

He was the guy on them TV Pizza Shack commercials.

Yeah, right.

After he got busted for drugs — that big scandal —

he couldn't get a job nowhere else but here,

actually working in pizzas.

That'll be $12.95, thanks.

(SCARY MUSIC)

Killed by a serial killer, mate.

Shit!

(UNEARTHLY SCREAMING)

What happened to this guy?

That's Lachlan, the apprentice chef.

He suffered, like, an industrialised accident.

Unlucky.

Bludger! Arggh!

I won't spend over two minutes in the toilet again.

Arggh! Bobo!

Arggh!

Now, this bloke here, he's still alive.

Man, he was the biggest stooge of a pizza guy you've ever seen.

You know? He was too polite!

Excuse me, sir.

(Screams)

How many times did I tell him, man?

These people here, they're bums.

There's no room for etiquette in this area.

(Indian accent) Excuse me, madam.

Would you be so kind as to tell me

where is the Punt Road, please?

This f—--ing wog...

...is trying to rape me, kids.

And the f---ing b------ didn't even offer me a f-----g beer.

Let's f—--ing get the f -----!

(ANGRY SHOUTING)

Basically, man, he had no chocky toughness, mate.

You need that.

Cheeky. What's that?

Well, chockoness, man. It's like the opposite of anglicised.

Like, you would be anglicised.

I would be chocko.

I'm very sorry, sir, but I cannot deliver this pizza.

(Growls)

You see, I am Hindu

and this pizza has beef all over it, sir!

I'm sorry, but I cannot deliver such a thing, sir.

From now on I only deliver the vegetarian pizzas, huh?

OK?

Now, this is your prime example

of a bloke not suited to pizzas, mate.

Look at him. Look at his head.

And, man, this is another bloke who ignored the first rule.

Look, don't go into these houses, man — please!

(Screams)

Man, this India, he hates Bobo that bad,

what he's done — him and his cousins,

they set up their own shop,

like a dodgy version of Fat Pizza.

(PHONE RINGS)

Hello, Phat Pizzas.

They are big, and we also have small.

You know, these Indians, man.

Like, what, they talk big, but they're pussies, you know?

Like, have you heard of this Gandhi that they all talk about?

The bald guy with the dress and the nappy-looking thing?

Yeah, that's him.

World famous, he is. Why?

'Cause my grandfather Nino Falzoni —

mate, he was the one who, like, did the whole thing

to get him into peace.

NEWSREEL: It's 1929

and the middleweight world championship

is being contested by Alfredo Falzoni from Malta

and Mahatma Gandhi from India.

I'm gonna shove a cow down your throat

and make you s--- beef burgers!

(EXCITED HUBBUB)

He bit off my ear!

You are my bitch! Arggh!

My bitch! Come here, my bitch!

And after what can only be described

as silly buggers at the weigh-in,

the fight begins.

Gandhi starts show-boating for the crowd.

Gandhi tags Falzoni with a short left...

I'm the greatest fighter in the world! (Laughs)

But here comes Falzoni with a series of uppercuts

and a huge right hook.

Oh! He's got Gandhi on the ropes.

('UN BEL DI' FROM 'MADAM BUTTERFLY' PLAYS )

Arggh!

(CROWD CHEERS)

I can see it now!

I was wrong!

Violence is not the way!

Peace is the only way!

Someone please change my nappy.

Far out!

My grandfather met the Queen when she came in the 705.

(JAUNTY MUSIC)

He worked at the Opera House.

Excuse me, but what is the big deal about that story?

We“, he {med her'.!

(JAUNTY MUSIC)

NEWSREEL: And a splendid day for Australia

as Queen Elizabeth, monarch of the English Empire,

visits lowly Australians in Sydney

for the opening of this strange ethnic-looking building.

And here's the Queen in all her splendour

getting a private tour of the Opera House.

...show you some of the innovations

we put into place here.

Extraordinary. What are all these things here?

They're called lamps, your highness.

Oh! Oh! Do me like a corgi! Come on! Yeah!

Bark for me! Ruff! Ruff!

Pauly, where's the wedding ring?

('WEDDING MARCH' PLAYS)

Don't lose it.

Relax, Bobo. It's safe, mate. Alright?

Now, look, man, I'm getting low on petrol,

like, driving around to get these rings and that.

I need a few bucks... No!

Just two bucks. No!

50 cents. No!

Can I just get a drink... No!

Can I use the toilet for free? No!

(Screams)

Where's Sleek?

Who?

(Raps) ♪ Sleek the elite I come through in the Bad Wog

♪ Girls on my knob Because I do a good job

♪ Habib-bibie The drug-maker, the drug-taker

♪ The supplier That can fly ya

♪ My man, Rocky He is rather stocky

♪ Got a girl in stockings

♪ And gave it to her to pursue her

♪ Yeah, she smells like a sewer Oh, yeah... ♪

(Rocky gasps and groans)

I swear, man. These cops are always hassling us, man.

Why? We're just like normal people, man.

We do normal things, mate. We eat kebabs, we have weapons.

What's wrong with these things?

(SIREN WAILS)

Habib, man, hide the drugs. It's cops!

The cops?! I'm not holding it!

Hide this up your nose!

(ENGINE REVS)

(DANCE MUSIC)

COMPUTER: Do not engage in unsafe driving.

Slow down.

Where do you switch this off, mate?!

Stop hitting me. Shut up, mate!

Stop. Shut up! Shut up!

(CRASH!)

Wanker. Man.

(ALARM WAILS )

You malaka. Look what you did to my McCar.

You McF---ed it.

What are you supposed to be, mate? What? Ronnie Mcdoggle?

Mate, what's with the ethnic accent?

Everyone knows he's a Scottish-American, man.

Why do you think I have

the most successful franchise in the world, you sucker?

Oh, tell me, McStooge.

Because I'm a Greek, and Greeks are the champions of takeaway.

What do you think I'm gonna call the business — McSpiro's?

(Laughs) Oh, stop!

Oh, you want to laugh? No, no. I'm cracking up.

(Laughs) You're giving me a McStitch.

(FAST-PACED MUSIC)

Whaa!

You want fries with that? (Laughs)

(SHOUTING)

Let's kick his McF---ing arse!

(All shout)

Oh, you're thick-shaking now, aren't ya?

Jesus Fries!

(All laugh)

McSuck on these.

Oh, hey, come on!

Oh, you spastic. Come on, you guys are McShit.

(All gasp)

Give him the two-piece combo!

(All cheer)

(Grunts)

Not a malaka.

(All gasp)

(All whimper)

Sorry, man. Hey, it's cool.

I've got full comprehensive McSurance.

Yeah? (All gasp)

That's right in the McNuggets, mate.

SONG: ♪ Sick, mate! Sick! Subwoofer! ♪

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

(Rocky gasps)

Ooh, ooh, oh, yes!

I swear to God I got no drugs.

(Rocky screams and moans)

Um, what seems to be the problem, officer?

Sir, at that last stop sign,

you failed to come to a complete stop.

I'll have to issue you a ticket.

Come on, bro, I stopped, man.

I swear to God I stopped, Officer.

You slowed down, sir,

but you did not come to a complete stop.

Excuse me, sir, but I almost came to a complete stop,

and then I just accelerated — I'm just quick.

What's the difference between coming to a complete stop

and almost stopping?

There's no difference, take it from me,

'cause I'm a top driver, mate.

(Girl squeals)

(Squeals and screams)

(Screams)

Now, sir, would you like me to slow down

or come to a complete stop?

(Screams)

This one's for September 11.

(TELEPHONE RINGS)

Hello. Fat Pizza pizzas.

They're big and they're cheesy.

Hey, mate, we ordered pizzas 50 f—--ing minutes ago,

so where's the f—--ing food?

(All talk and swear)

Look, I'm really sorry. I've just started a new worker today.

He should be on his way.

SONG: ♪ Smoke more cones ♪ Smoke more cones... ♪

♪ Smoke more cones... ♪

Oh, not the last mushroom!

♪ Smoke more cones ♪ I said smoke more cones... ♪

(DISTORTED MUSIC)

(ELECTRONIC MUSIC)

(GRUNGE MUSIC)

Ooh! Ooh!

( ROMANTIC ITALIAN MUSIC)

(MUSIC STOPS) (Laughs)

Hey! Excuse me, buddy.

We're here looking for a little aggressive McBIoke

who wears a red McHat

and gives me the McF---ing shits.

Now does he work here?

(CHAINSAW ROARS )

(TELEPHONE RINGS)

Yep? Hey, it's me, Ronnie.

Yep?

I want you to come around and McF--- up a little smart-arse

that insulted my franchise.

Yep.

Hey! I pay you a lot of money. I expect results.

What's the address?

(FUNKY MUSIC)

Poor Uncle Shiba.

Reduced to living at the drive-in

'cause he can't afford rent.

He has to go by the nightly ticket price

in his hokey motorhome, mate.

I tell you what, Pauly. Very impressive diamond.

Is this real? Come on, it's from Bobo.

It's gotta be fake. Oh, I thought so.

But it'll be safe with me, so don't worry.

Well, Shiba, you've —

you know, you've done a top job decorating this van.

It mightn't look like it,

but I want you to know I'm very happy.

She got the house... she got the car...

Oh, yes! Yes!

But she didn't get my pride.

And guess what?

She didn't get the apple of my eye — little Lino, your cousin.

(Cries)

Time flies. He's 2.5 now — 2.5.

Oh! Oh, he's got an upset tummy.

I'll have to take you to the doctor's.

Shiba, mate, I'm low on petrol. Can I bludge some money?

Money? I've got no money, mate. I'm broke.

But I tell you what, if you want some fuel,

why don't you siphon some out of the tank?

(FUNKY MUSIC)

Pauly, you idiot! What are you doing?

(Gasps)

That's not the fuel tank, that's the sewer tank!

(TYRES SQUEAL)

(Girl squeals)

(ROMANTIC MUSIC)

Bobo, man, please stop looking at me like you want to root me.

Bobo, bro, man, I'm sorry I'm late, but the reason is...

Shut up!

(MUSIC INTENSIFIES)

(MUSIC REACHES CRESCENDO)

(Girl whimpers and squeals)

(ROCK MUSIC ROARS)

Pizza!

Hello.

Hello!

Pizza!

Hello! Pizza!

Pizza!

SONG: ♪ Roots man at the control

♪ Take me home

♪ To where I belong

♪ Where the roots man goes... ♪

Shiba, mate, you were married.

What's a good wedding present for under 10 bucks?

I've got the perfect present, Pauly.

Get yourself a pouf.

Are you being serious, Shiba?

A pouf, as in the gay people, like, funny-bunnies?

Oh, Pauly. No, a pouf is something you put your feet on.

It's a footstool.

(JAUNTY MUSIC)

They call it a pouf.

A pouf'?

(MOBILE PHONE RINGS)

(Man and woman moan and yell)

Who is it? Your lady?

Man, it's them fat chicks.

They keep stalking me, mate.

Which fat chicks?

Bro, I told you, man.

To get the glamours,

I make friends with their fat-chick friends.

'Cause glamours always have fat-chick friends.

Then the fat-chick friends tell their friends, the glamours,

that I'm a top bloke.

Mate, I got the enemy working for me.

The trouble is, Habib, the fat chicks,

they still want to be friends, man.

But Sleekism's standards are too high.

In other words, if you're over 50 kilo, you gotta go.

Give me the number, yulla.

My standards start at 50kg. I'll give it to 'em.

(Knocks) Hello?

Pizza!

(BUBBLING NOISE)

F---!

(HEAVY ROCK MUSIC)

SONG: ♪ Just tell me you're a doctor

♪ 'Cause that's what I need

♪ I'll give you some of my medicine

♪ There are many, understand

♪ If you call me the doctor... ♪

Hey. (NEEDLE SCRATCHES RECORD)

(ROCK MUSIC)

(MOBILE PHONE RINGS)

Hello? Man, it's Pauly.

Now, listen... Er, excuse me, mate.

Hold on. Sorry.

I've got to get some change.

Yeah, um, now, tonight

Habib and me have organised a stripper for Bobo.

So, what you're gonna have to do, man, is turn up.

You will have to pay lots of money

because you're the new bloke.

So don't forget that — bring cash.

Actually, bring a credit card too,

because we might want these strippers

to do, like, extras and that.

I believe they have EFTPOS with them.

Anyway, I'll see you back at the shop.

What do you reckon we should do with him?

We kill him, I reckon.

Excuse me.

Hi.

Mr Cones won't be long,

but would you like to wait in our office?

(Thinks) Hey, Pauly, remember rule number one, man —

never go inside.

But come on, man, these are greenies — they're into peace.

Look. Look at that chick. Just look at her.

Look how good-looking she is.

Oh, we must go inside.

Yes, I would love to come inside.

(THRASH MUSIC)

(ENGINE REVS) 'Bye!

Ooh.

'Bye!

We'll find that p----.

Oh, sorry about the mess. We've just moved offices.

Hey, um, what kind of animal is this?

Oh. Oh, that's the horner's rodent.

We thought it was extinct, but we found the last one.

And now we're gonna clone it and revive the species.

That's interesting. Can't wait.

(Squeaks)

(Woman laughs)

I think he likes you.

You have no idea how much I love the animals.

Oh, when they grow back, I might get one as a pet.

Oh.

(Rodent squeaks)

I know I should not have been looking,

but, man, it was like an eclipse of the sun.

It's bad for you to look...

...but you must keep looking.

(Rodent squeaks)

Arggh!

(Yells and grunts)

(Gasps)

Arggh!

Stop it!

(Rodent squeaks)

Oh, no.

Don't!

(Grunts) You idiot!

Arggh!

(Rodent squeaks) (Screams)

(Rodent squeaks)

(Gasps)

No!

(Screams) (Rodent squeaks)

(Woman grunts) Go, Rocky.

Yes! Yes! Give me some of the action.

Hi, Sleek. How are you?

How come you don't call us anymore for coffee?

Look, baby, please, I'm flat out. I'm really busy.

Oh, come on, Sleek.

We only ordered this pizza 'cause we wanted to see you.

Why don't you call us anymore?

I swear to God, I will take you out one night.

I promise — yulla, bro.

But what you gotta do is pay me,

'cause Habib's in the car waiting.

Sleeky, set me up, yulla. Set me up.

His grandmother's sick, man.

Like, she's about to die. We gotta take her to emergency.

I've got a fat, yulla. A big fat.

Her insides have just fallen out or something. I swear.

(MOBILE PHONE RINGS)

Sleekism.

Ask her if she wants a root.

(TECHNO MUSIC)

SONG: ♪ Fat, fat, fat, fat, fat

♪ Yeah, pizza... ♪

♪ Yeah, pizza... ♪

(TRADITIONAL FOLK MUSIC)

( VELCRO RIPS INCESSANTLY)

Hey, Bobo, I'm back.

You got any more pizzas for me to deliver?

People love it. I'm ready to go, Bobo.

I can't hear you over this music. You got any more pizzas?

(GENTLE TRADITIONAL MUSIC CONTINUES )

(TYRES SQUEAL)

That's my kind of worker.

Look, I was not calling you a poof.

You better keep walking, you homophobic little p----.

I was just buying a wedding present.

Save your bulls---. I've been told they're poufs.

You little p----.

I'm not a homostobic, mate. Get out.

(FUNKY MUSIC)

Ooh!

Oh, mate, I'm sorry. Are you alright?

Help me. He's trying to bushwhack me.

Untrue. I'm just getting a pouf.

Help! Relax. Relax.

He's trying to kill me.

Relax, mate. Urgh!

You low-life junkie piece of filth.

You think you're tough trying to rob an old man.

You ain't getting my pension cheque.

Watch out, he's a homophobe.

Excuse me, I saw it all. He tried to steal his bag.

He doesn't even have a bag.

What's this hokey festival here?

(Groans exaggeratedly)

Get out of here. Help! Help!

You like buckets, do ya?!

There he is.

He's bashing someone DRESSED like an animal!

He hates gay people. He hates sperm.

(Groans)

(All shout)

What the f--- is going on? I bought this stupid footstool.

Hey!

(ROCK MUSIC BLARES)

SONG: ♪ He loves to dance and play those funny games

♪ Out of the rights of life whispering your name

♪ Putting the smile away It's not a happy day

♪ This is the way it goes It's just the way it goes

♪ He's so happy

♪ But that's not funny

♪ Sodom the clown

♪ Tries to bring us down

♪ We laugh, we cry When it hurts we don't ask why

♪ We laugh, we cry

♪ 'Cause our hearts don't want to die

♪ We laugh, we cry When it hurts we don't ask why

♪ We laugh, we cry

♪ 'Cause our hearts don't want to die... ♪

Oh.

(DING!)

Thanks, mate.

Hi, I'm Claudia Macpherson, supermodel,

Hi, I'm Claudia Macpherson, supermodel,

and this here is my new Abstiffy.

If you try it for one second a day,

you too will have abs like mine.

Well, probably not. But let's give it a whirl anyway, shall we?

Oh, yes.

(Gasps) One...

...and two...

...and three...

...and...

I've got a pizza here for David Cockerfield.

David, the pizza's here. Can you deal with it?

I have to go to the bathroom.

(SPOOKY MUSIC)

That's 13 bucks, thanks, mate.

(MAGICAL MUSIC)

Are you that magician on TV — David Cockerfield?

(MAGICAL MUSIC)

(Gasps)

How many f—--ing times have I said

not to use those stupid magic tricks on me?

Wanker.

I slowed down — put the music on now.

Slow down... Shut up!

...wanker.

Give me the music. Slow down.

Shut up! (CRASH! )

Emergency airbag initiated.

I knew I shouldn't have got Habib to put the airbags in.

I don't want these bags.

Are you...are youse OK?

Yeah.

I think we're OK.

Just remember, this was your fault,

'cause youse run out clearly onto the road,

and cars have the right of way, mate.

That's alright, brother. We forgive you.

Jesus forgives you.

Yeah?

Well, that's good, because, like, er,

I mean, God would know I have no insurance,

so, um, I'll leave youse to it.

See you later, God and all that. Bye.

Hey.

It would be great if you could make a donation.

We've got a portable electronic swiper.

We take MasterCard, Visa, and, of course, American Express.

Would youse take this as a donation?

I mean, it's gotta keep you off the kids. It's good.

(FUNKY MUSIC)

Get out of here, will ya? Go back to Boganville.

Sleeky, we gotta go, man. We gotta do that thing for Bobo.

No worries, Habib. Yulla. 'Bye.

Hey, bro. Hey, bro.

Yeah, I'm Dave. Dave D'mkum.

Fair dinkum. I'm Sleek.

Did you say Slick?

Nah, Sleek. It's my rap name.

I'm a rapper, man. Ah, rap's cool.

Why Sleek?

Because I'm slicker than slick and very quick and full of sick.

Oh, fully?

Sick. The sickest, actually, man.

(TANGO MUSIC)

SLEEK: Bobo, any orders, bro?

Hey, Bobo!

Shut up!

And fight fans eager for the so-called Thriller in St Kilda.

Heavyweight champion Lennox Blewis

will take on underdog Rocky Ramboa.

I'm gonna win, do you know what I mean?

I'm gonna probably put him down in two.

You know, Rocky...he ain't gonna win, you know what I mean?

Yeah? You know what I mean? Yeah?

(Speaks indistinctly)

(Switches channel)

CLAUDIA: And one...

Oh, yes.

...and two...

...and three.

I did it. Three!

Oh, baby.

The Claudia Macpherson Abstiffy. Have you got one yet?

Habib, yulla, man. Shh.

Habib, they're blacker than my soot, man.

That's true.

Far out. Did you know there's a platypus on our 20 cent piece?

Platypus? Mate, don't worry about that, bro.

Real pussy, you get that doing pizza deliveries, mate.

(Screams) (Yells indistinctly)

Yes! Yes!

(Moans) Tell me I'm good, baby.

You're so good. Yeah, I know.

Yeah!

And my favourite, Daniel, is Lisa the Lebbo.

Bro, when I give it to her, it's like a war in Lebanon.

(Screams)

But don't ever tell her brothers, man. They'd kill me.

It's a Lebanese thing, bro.

Aussies don't understand.

Youse think it's alright to root each other's sisters.

Oh, yeah! (Gasps)

And get this, man.

My mate Habib, he videotapes all the sex that I perform —

the girls don't even know — and he puts it on the Internet.

(Whoops)

(TRADITIONAL FOLK MUSIC)

Hey, Bobo.

Man, has your mail orgy bride got off the boat yet?

I bet those stamps are the first thing you' ve licked in a while.

(Dave and Sleek laugh)

(Both scream)

(HORN SOUNDS)

(Man rants indistinctly)

Come back here, you mongrels.

Psst. Psst. Yulla.

Come on. Shh.

SONG: ♪ It's the gangster here

♪ Gangster. What? What? Gangster here

♪ Banging in my ride On the west side

♪ It's the gangster here

♪ Gangster. What? What? Gangster here

♪ Banging in my ride On the west side

♪ Let me say what you are

♪ Let me see what you are

♪ See what, see what See what... ♪

Oh my God, he's got a prostitute.

SONG: ♪ Gee, what? Gee, what? Gee, what?

♪ Let me say what you are... ♪

One more time.

Oh, yes. Again.

And one more time. Come on. Ooh.

That is it.

Do you think this is gonna work, man?

Of course it's gonna work.

This camera, mate, it's gonna send pictures to the Internet

so Bobo can see what these guys are up to.

What a top idea, huh?

Baby, this is it.

He's coming. This is it.

I want you to stand over here for me, please.

Turn it off. Shh.

( CRACK! ) OK, baby, listen.

It's all your fault.

You hit me. You hit me.

Shut up. Why hit me?

You dropped it. But why hit me?

Don't talk back.

And maybe even say the word 'pussy'.

I love the word 'pussy'. Fabulous word, 'pussy'.

Better than 'piss', 's---' and 'arse'.

'Pussy' is the best word. Pussy. Pussy, pussy, pussy.

It excites me. Very, very exciting.

What are you doing? What are you doing?

All this talk of pussy, I want to touch one.

'Pussy' — that's the word.

Come on, have some pizza.

Look, mate, I'll do what you f—--ing want,

but this f—--ing pizza's making me sick.

Just eat it. Eat it.

It's the best.

Hey, bro. What did you do before pizzas?

Well, before this... (MOBILE PHONE RINGS)

Fat chicks.

Sorry, man, where were you?

Well, before this

I was pretty much into drugs for a long time.

Nothing hard. Pot, mainly.

SONG: ♪ Yeah The smoke was mean at Engadine

♪ And the smoke was good at Rivenlvood... ♪

Then I got into religion just to get off the gear.

(All) Shari Krishna. Shari Krishna.

It was a bad idea.

(EASTERN MUSIC)

(AIR HORN PLAYS TUNE)

(Laughs)

Well, then I got back into pot.

I was so disillusioned with the Sharis.

They were so...disillusioning.

Alright, junkies, nobody move.

I said, no-one move.

Thommo, relax. They're not moving.

For the heinous crime

of possessing the narcotic, cannabis,

I sentence you to six years detention.

But due to overcrowding in the jails,

you may serve your time on work release.

So they put me on work release here, for the next six years.

That's tough, bro.

Man, if you ever need anything to help you through the stress,

my mate Habib, he's got the sickest buds, man.

He'll hook you up, mate. Sick.

Leave her. Let me have just one touch.

Oh, my God, I can't control myself.

Let me have a look, man.

Have a look, but don't touch.

That f—--ing pizza's making me sick.

No way. No way.

It's definitely not my nutritious tandoori pizza.

No bloody way.

Now, come on, say the word 'pussy' again.

(Farts loudly)

Eugh! What the f---? (Both groan)

(Speaks indistinctly)

It tastes like an off kebab. I'm out of here.

SONG: ♪ Sick, mate, sick! Subwoofer!

♪ Sick, mate, sick!

♪ Subwoofer! ♪

(TRADITIONAL FOLK MUSIC)

Hey, what time are we going to surprise Bobo

with the stripper tonight?

Pauly, bro, I don't know if I'm going yet.

Habib always gets them fat strippers, mate.

Remember Rocky's 21st?

SONG: ♪ Well, my fate... ♪

(All scream)

Arggh!

Sleek, you have to come, mate.

You're the only groomsman.

I only said I would do it in the first place

because Bobo said I could have a day off.

Look, man, can you please

just get into this wedding thing properly?

Look, I know you're a funny-bunny and it's hard,

but this is a heterosexual tradition, mate.

This is what we do.

Sleek, what are you doing, man?

Dave, I just wanted to let you know, mate, a small warning.

Beware of Sleek. He's one of them both-a-sexuals.

He likes to do it with men and women.

But he won't admit it, mate.

Come on, man. As if I'm gay, bro.

Oh, well, let me refresh your memory, Sleek,

to that time we played tackle football

and you turned it into touch.

Get up. What are you doing?

Get up. (All shout)

Hey!

I'm not paying you bludgers three bucks an hour

to sit on your arses!

(OPERATIC MUSIC)

(All shout)

(OPERATIC MUSIC CONTINUES)

Bugger. (Woman screams)

Oh, double bugger. Hey, mate. Mate.

You haven't seen a bunch of slope-eyed reffos, have you?

They just stole me ute.

F---! Just what we need — more f—--ing Asian drivers!

(Sighs) What the f--- happened to you?

Kangaroo, mate.

Yeah. Well, that happens, doesn't it?

Fair enough.

(TELEPHONE RINGS)

Fat Pizza pizzas. They're big and they're cheesy.

(SIREN WAILS) Bobo, I found phone.

It's me, Lin Chow. I come your house.

Hello! Kiss-kiss, love-love.

SONG: ♪ Enchanted I'm caught by surprise

♪ Watching the light in your eyes

♪ You smile and heaven must be... ♪

Arggh!

(Screams repeatedly)

She's coming.

I've wanted to see you.

Hey, excuse me, Sleek.

(Cries)

♪ The thrill of your fingers in mine... ♪

(Growls ferociously)

Arggh! Arggh!

(Dog whimpers)

(CONFUSED HUBBUB)

(Rings doorbell)

Aha!

♪ To find your soul in a kiss... ♪

(CONFUSED HUBBUB CONTINUES)

♪ That's said and yet somehow not heard... ♪

(TELEPHONE RINGS)

Fat Pizza pizzas. They're big and they're cheesy.

Please don't marry this Chinesie.

Let me get you a good Italian girl.

Mama, I love you, but all the Italian girls you got me,

they were no good.

♪ La, la, la, la, la... ♪

(WARNING BELLS RING)

Mama, listen.

I'm closing the shop early tonight,

so that I can get it nice and clean for Lin Chow.

She's gonna work here too.

Now, Mama, promise me you'll be nice when she gets there.

You bitch!

(Screams)

Puttana!

You give me my Bobo back! (Screams)

(Thinks) I hope Lin Chow's beautiful in person,

just like Claudia.

(DISCO MUSIC) Oh, yeah!

Oh, yeah!

Yeah!

(DREAMY MUSIC)

(RAUNCHY MUSIC)

No more orders today. We're closing early.

What's going on?

Lin Chow's off the boat.

I'm getting married.

Look, Bobo, man, I'm very glad for you,

with your wedding being organised now — that's good.

But we've got a problem.

We went to lots of trouble for tonight.

You can't close the shop, man.

We've got chicks coming. We've got a buck's party for you.

Don't want one. You're joking.

Bobo, I know it's just my first day here,

but it's your last few hours as a free man.

It'd be wrong not to get pissed with naked chicks.

Shut up!

Very un-Australian of you, mate.Very un-Australian.

I'm very disappointed...mate. Shut up!

Look, the only reason I did your whole best man thing

was to get to the buck's party for the nude chicks.

If that's out, mate, then, look, I'm not involved.

We're not working. I'm making a strike, mate.

No work, nothing! I want to see the nude chicks, man.

Bobo, bro, you better see some pussy

before you get married, mate.

You don't even know what it looks, or smells, like,

and take it from me, man — it's a jungle down there.

Um, excuse me, who is the owner of this very establishment?

I am.

Who wants to know?

I'm from the Department of Health.

We call this a 'spot check'.

Bobo, I gotta use the toilet, man.

Any paper you use, Sleek, you pay for it.

Yeah, I know. $1 a sheet. Go on.

(CHIRPING)

Foreign articles in prepared food.

That's eight demerit points.

How long is this gonna take?

Statistically speaking,

the mean average for any atypical inspection

is around five to six hours.

But this one could take longer.

Hey, Bobo, how 'bout this... this bloke

finishes all the inspectionalising,

then we get the strippers in

and then, like, it's the nipples...you know?

Hey, Sleek, man, you gonna come out with us for some drinks

before the strippers later?

Yeah, Pauly, but, hey, man,

only if we go to the Falgudo Club, bro.

(MOBILE PHONE RINGS)

Lebanese lover.

Hey, Tina, how are you, baby?

You know I love you, heaps. (Farts)

Yeah, I'm thinking about you right now, babe.

Right now, as we speak. (Farts noisily)

Oh, God.

I have put the camera in the wrong position.

This tells us nothing about their business activities.

(Farts)

Oh, shut up!

SONG: ♪ Oh, yeah, babe ♪ Come on

♪ I know what you want ♪ Give it to me

♪ Just dial my number

♪ I'm the pizza man ♪ Come on

♪ Call that pizza ♪ Call me

♪ Call that pizza man ♪ He's the man

♪ Call that pizza

♪ 'Cause I'm in demand ♪ Give it up

♪ Call that pizza Call that pizza man

♪ Come on, call that pizza

♪ 'Cause I'm in demand

♪ I'll give it to you hot and piping, quick like lightning

♪ Banging on your door like it's so frightening

♪ You want the lot, rely on me

♪ I'm right on time with the delivery

♪ On the phone to Uncle What will it be?

♪ Get it fresh That's work from AB

♪ How much you want? Quick to the spot

♪ Whether you want a little Whether you want a lot

♪ It's me... ♪

We are not stooges anymore.

J" Pump the juice, push flavour It's me they want

♪ Pizza boy, no front

♪ I got the hot box

♪ Let me give it up ♪ You gotta give it up, baby

♪ I want your hot box

♪ Let me give it up

♪ Call that pizza

♪ Call that pizza man ♪ Call me up

♪ Call that pizza

♪ 'Cause I'm in demand... ♪ (MOBILE PHONE RINGS)

Habib, man, what is it, bro? I'm in the shower.

Guess what — I put the condom on nice and early

just in case I get some action with the chicks.

Hey, these are really good.

I've been reading the packet.

It says here it stops dick and pussy diseases.

SONG: ♪ Sick, mate, sick! ♪

(DOORBELL RINGS)

(Sobs)

(FOREBODING MUSIC)

We look for Bobo.

(JAUNTY MUSIC)

SONG: ♪ Where's the chicks? Where's the chicks?

♪ Where's the chicks?

(Women sing) ♪ Here we are! Here we are! ♪

Chicks, chicks, chicks! Chicks! Chicks!

(All shout)

♪ Here we are! Here we are! ♪

Oh, yeah!

♪ We might be so good together, boy

♪ Don't make me wait forever... ♪

Oh, my God!

♪ I don't know what you've been hearing, boy... ♪

That's bullshit!

No, no, mate!

Don't give him any money. No, mate!

(All shout) Go get him, man!

Mate, you stooge. We said no! Come here, man!

We don't want it, mate!

(All shout)

(All laugh)

One more? ALL: Yeah!

(All cheer)

SONG: ♪ Chicks, chicks, chicks Chicks, chicks, chicks

♪ Chick, chicks, chicks... ♪

Hey, wait a minute.

(All cheer) ( BELL RINGS )

(All gasp)

SONG: ♪ Chicks, chicks Chicks... ♪

(Mumbles)

(Mumbles) Come on, man. What are you doing?

Idiot!

( ROMANTIC ITALIAN MUSIC)

The placing of used contraceptive devices

in prepared food is expressly forbidden.

That's 50 demerit points. (TELEPHONE RINGS)

We're closed.

Bobo, you listen to your mama.

Your Chinesie is here, and you know something?

She bring the whole bloody country with her.

(DANCE MUSIC)

Hey, no smoking in this club, mate.

They're not smokes, man. They're condoms.

I'm getting ready for the chicks.

Yeah, yeah, alright. Go on.

Uh-uh. No hats allowed in this club.

Oh, come on, man.

Look, there was two of 'em just walked in wearing hats.

Yeah, alright. You're too short.

And you're...you're an Aussie. Oh...

Get. Get!

(DANCE MUSIC)

(Man sings) ♪ Bass

♪ Bass

♪ Touch the sky Bass

♪ I don't know why Bass... ♪

(DOG BARKS)

♪ Touch the sky Bass

♪ I don't know why sometimes you don't want to touch the sky

♪ Bass

♪ I don't know why sometimes you don't want to touch the sky

♪ I don't know why sometimes you don't want to touch the sky

♪ Bass

♪ I don't know why sometimes you don't want to touch the sky

♪ Bass... ♪

(Dog whimpers)

(Dog whimpers and growls)

Look, don't even worry about that Falgudo Club, man.

There's too many guys in there anyway.

Look, what we need is a top club

with a ratio of, what, you know, three chicks to every one guy,

and chicks that like short and tall.

What about this place?

(JAUNTY MUSIC)

I just like chicks. Is that wrong?

Sorry, boys, it's short night tonight.

Oh, well, look, you know, he's tall, definitely, but I'm short.

Yeah, sorry, mate, not short enough.

(TECHNO MUSIC)

Arggh!

Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

I couldn't help wondering —

do you ever get any negative feedback from customers?

(Shouts) No!

We're closed.

(Speaks foreign language)

(CHAINSAW ROARS )

Eh?

Insensitivity to the culinary tastes

of ethnic and/or religious groups.

That's eight demerit points.

You're not travelling too well here.

I swear, the midgets, they were much stronger than they looked.

Hey!

Must be one of them, like, celebrity parties and that.

(All shout)

Hey, look at this, who's getting out of that car.

Mate, it's that magician, David Cockerfield.

I know. I took him a pizza today.

You delivered it to him? Seriously?

Yeah, and his girlfriend — Claudia, the supermodel.

He's not going out with Claudia, is he?!

How do these magicians get the good-looking chicks?

Alright, they got hocus-pocus, but basically, they're nerds.

Look at him. You're a nerd, Cockerfield!

Yeah, come on, mate, do magic on me.

(OMINOUS MUSIC)

You're a nerd, mate.

(DANCE MUSIC)

(FARTING NOISE)

Oh, yeah! Oh! Oh, yeah.

(Farts) Habib, what do you want, man?!

F--- off! (Farts) Piss off!

Yulla! Give it to me, yeah!

(Woman gasps) Habib, how are you, bro?

Go for it, Sleeky, go for it.

Any hole's a goal, Habib. Give her one for me. Slam her.

Habib, f--- off, man, or you'll get wet.

(Both gasp)

Alright, what we do, we just go in, act important, alright?

Important. Like celebrities.

Let's go.

MAN: Who have we got here? (All chatter)

MAN: I think that's Jeff Fenech.

Can I have your names, please?

Um, yes, we are on the list. We are famous boxers. (Stammers)

This is champion from Sweden, Hans,

and I am Jeff Fenech, five, um and er, world times,

um and er, Aussie champion.

Hey, you're Jeff Fenech?

I love youse all...um and er.

SONG: ♪ Sick, mate, sick! Subwoofer! ♪

OK, come on. What's the word? The very special word?

My favourite word, it's... pussy.

(Both gasp)

That's the word, pussy. Whoo!

Say it in any style, it's pussy.

(Both gasp)

Because we are the masters, the masters of...

(Both gasp and squeal) Pussy. Pussy, pussy, pussy.

(Squeals) Oh, yeah.

(MOBILE PHONE RINGS)

(Squeals) Lebanese lover.

Hello, Sleek. Hi.

(Squeals) Who was that? My grandmother.

She just got back from Lebanon — I gotta pick her up,

so, babe, sorry, but we gotta make this a quickie.

(MOBILE PHONE RINGS) Hello!

Pauly! It's Habib. Are you there? Where are you?

Yeah, I don't know. Where are we, man? There's a building.

Um, there's a bar. Pauly, man, hey!

Habib, what was going on with this Falgudo Club, man?

Don't worry about the Falgudo Club, man, it's shit.

There's cops, there's dogs,

and Rocky and Sleeky, they're rooting glamours, mate.

(Screams)

(Shouts) Sucked in, Habib!

I know a place with heaps of chicks.

Do they root?

(FUNKY MUSIC)

Wrestler's Arms, thanks, mate.

Wicked cab. It's a made-to-score cab, man.

Pauly, this taxi's unbelievable.

We should stay here, man, it's better than a nightclub.

Come on, man, no, I want to go somewhere where there's chicks.

I'm sick of the chicks in the city.

I want to go back to Surfers Paradise.

That was a top trip. I loved it. It was a top trip.

(Girls gasp) You're so good.

Sleek, come on, man, let me in.

Come on. I swear to God I won't premature ejaculate this time.

Look what the chicks are doing to Sleeky.

(SQUIRT! ) I think I've come.

Yeah, I never made it as far as Surfers.

Nimbin was wicked, though. Phwoar.

(LAIDBACK MUSIC)

How good is this?

Well, I'm glad youse have all had a good time

with the Queensland's chicks,

because I wanted to go and have a good time too,

but who stooged me, Habib?

Paulie, that's the gap there, man.

You gotta go through

and pretend you belong there, alright?

It's a top scam, I swear. I'll see you in Surfers.

(ACTION MUSIC)

Habib told me it was the first-class door —

I just had to walk in and I'd get upgraded.

So, man, I snuck in, I tried it,

and I have to admit, at first, I thought it worked.

Excuse me, sir. Would you like some champagne?

Oh, that's good. More, please.

But after four hours, mate, I'm thinking to myself,

“Hey, it doesn't take this long to get to Surfers, man.”

And I was worried too

about getting that deep vein thrombonis, like, in the penis,

'cause that happens, mate, you know.

So I went into the toilet,

'cause you must let the veins breathe in them cases.

You must give it air.

Next thing I know, the plane gets a bit of that turbulence,

and, you know, my clothes, they get sucked down the toilet.

(TECHNO MUSIC)

Hey, Habib, where did the plane take me, mate, hey?

Where?

It was the bumpkin lands,

full of people with big heads and big ears,

in the Northern Territories.

Man, I think it was called Alice Darwins.

Excuse me, matey. Are you an Australian?

I don't know what the communication problem was,

but they thought I was an illegal refugee.

With my good English, I couldn't believe it.

(Slowly) Do you have a passport?

Officers, I don't need a passport.

I'm 100% dinkus di Australian, man.

(Laughs hysterically)

They stuck me in one of them detention centres, Woomerus.

(ROCK MUSIC)

Oh, mate, youse can't expect us to eat this.

What the hell are these? Plastic chips, mate!

And what's this? Don't youse have a cappuccino machine here?

I thought this camp was for chockos!

The thing is with refugees, they're not very smart.

So it's very easy to convince 'em to do things.

Let's do a riot, mate! (All shout)

(EXCITING MUSIC)

Stop, stop, stop!

Look, youse refugees stick out like dogs' balls.

We're gonna get caught. Go that way, to Mecca. Go!

And youse, there's money in them bushes, money.

(All shout) Stooges.

(COMICAL CHASE MUSIC)

(TRICKLING)

(MUSIC RESUMES)

Man, I'm starving!

This hokey desert, there's not even one bush animal to eat.

Hey! It's a tent.

There's food in tents.

Lucky.

(EXCITING MUSIC)

That...that feels like a chicken.

(Gurgles)

Ooh, it's a dingo.

These things, they're just like Lassie.

I'll give you back to him,

he'll take you back to your mother.

(Whimpers) Dingo, take it back, mate.

(EERIE HOWLING)

The dingo stole my baby!

That'll be $45 now, man.

Quick, lads — do a runner!

Run! Run! Run! (All shout)

Pauly, Pauly, man! What? What? What?

How did you get back from the desert?

Man, I was lucky.

This top bloke just pulled up and gave me a lift.

G'day, I'm Ivan. This is Heidi and Inga.

(Both speak in Swedish accent) Hello! We are backpacking!

(Sings) ♪ Four little backpackers sitting on the wall

♪ And if one little backpacker

♪ Should accidentally get slaughtered

♪ There'd be three little backpackers... ♪

Hey, that's you, the backpackers What a top song.

♪ Three little backpackers sitting... ♪

It's a good song.

After this, I want to do 'I Spy'. Know that?

And this Ivan, mate, he was a gentleman.

These chicks wanted to go camping in the Belanglo Forest.

Ivan gets out and builds them

their own special backpacker hostel, mate, out of wood.

Yeah, I'll just wait here.

I mean, it must've taken him a long time

because he was gone during the night.

( DOOR OPENS)

Job's done, Pauly. Let's go. What's all the blood, man?

Kangaroo, mate.

Mate, what a top guy.

Not only does he build shelter for these chicks,

he cooks and kills their own food for them.

You're tiptop, Ivan.

Mate, lucky I survived that whole desert thing.

But, man, I was not lucky to end up at this...this pub

that Dave took us to, mate.

The grunge pub, man.

(GRUNGE MUSIC)

How good's this place? It's wicked!

These people don't wash their hair. It stinks in here.

Where's all the chicks?

(Screams) This place is a shocker.

Hey! Look at that!

That chickjust gave me the look, mate.

(MOBILE PHONE RINGS)

Hello?

Pauly, it's Sleekray.

Have you seen Habib? Is he with you, man?

We're at this pub. Come down.

Man, I might stay here for a while.

I'll catch up with you later.

SONG: J'I

♪ I'm fascinated by your love, boy

♪ I'm fascinated by your love toy... ♪

Sleek!

I'm going, man. You coming?

What, man?

♪ I'm fascinated by your love, boy

♪ I'm fascinated by your... ♪

Hi, Sleek. How are you?

Yeah, good. Who are you?

Toula! Remember? You're going out with my friend, Lisa.

Not anymore.

Hey, Sleek, you look all hot and sweaty

so I got you a drink.

Yeah, good. Thanks.

(MUSIC DISTORTS)

(BEEP!)

Hello, boss. It's me.

Hold on. Hold on. Hold on.

(BIG BAND MUSIC)

I'd like you to explain

how this possum got into the filter of your coffee machine.

Don't recall it being there this morning.

Hello, sir. I'm back.

I have cut all the phone lines and rewired them

so that all Bobo's orders come to our shop, sir.

Bobo will be f—--ed up very badly with this.

It was a very good idea, sir.

I know.

It was...MY idea.

(PHONE RINGS)

Phat Pizza.

They're cheesy and big.

Er, is this Fat Pizza?

This is the original Phat Pizza. Why?

Well, your voice sounds a little bit different, mate.

But anyway, we've been ordering pizzas off you for a long time.

We'd like to come down and thank you personally.

So, er, what's the address down there, sport?

Dave'.!

This pub is bullshit, mate.

The chicks are too choosy. You can't pick up.

Pauly's doing alright.

(THRASH MUSIC)

What am I doing wrong? I've tried my best pick-up lines.

Do you like chocolates?

Because I got half a bar.

Full cream dairy milk.

Arggh!

Habib, you sell drugs. These chicks LOVE drugs.

They live at home with their rich parents.

Offer them some pills, mate.

What a top idea, yulla. Good work.

Hey, girls. I've got the pills.

That's right — the pills.

I can't believe it. I'm here in a threesome.

I'll meet you at Bobo's for the stripper. Let's go.

(HORN HONKS)

Oh, is that him?

It's hard to tell. It's pretty dark.

He's wearing the same hat and the same clothes. Must be him.

(All laugh maniacally)

(All shout)

SONG: ♪ Chick, chick, chick

♪ Chick, chick, chick

♪ Chicks, chicks, chicks... ♪

Hey, what are you...?

Rocky, what are you doing, mate? What are YOU doing?

Hey.

What do you think I'm doing? You stay.

This is Candice, this chick I just met. This is Rocky.

Hello. Yeah, hi.

Get out of it. F--- off, man.

What are you doing? Go. What are YOU doing?

Go. (MOBILE PHONE RINGS)

Go. (MOBILE PHONE RINGS)

Hello. Lebanese Rambo.

Rocky, man. I'm spewing, man.

I finally got a threesome,

but instead of giving the chicks some eckies,

I gave them some sleeping tablets.

Oh, my God, they're out cold.

Hey, do you reckon I should give it to 'em anyway?

SONG: ♪ Fat, fat, fat, fat, fat

♪ Yeah, pizza Oh, yeah... ♪

Do you take bribes?

Normally, yes. But in your case, no.

Absolutely, totally and absolutely no.

Look, there's gotta be something we can do.

If you close this shop, Mama's gonna kill me.

Look, I couldn't give a rat's ear lobe about your mother.

I'm very sensitive about Mama.

(Man grunts)

200 demerit points.

Burn!

Sleek...

...you're awake.

(FUNKY MUSIC)

(some!)

What's going on here?

Well, Sleek, we're sick of guys like you using us big girls

just to get to our good-looking friends.

We drugged you with Rohypnol to get you here,

then we fed you half a bottle of that Viagras.

So, tonight we get our revenge.

Arggh!

(Both moan)

Hey, um, what is...what is this thing?

That's my nipple piercing.

But what's this?

That's my other nipple piercing.

OK. What's that down near my thing? Arggh!

What is it? You're hooked... Arggh, don't mo... It's cut me.

Arggh! It's cut me. Arggh!

(Knocks at door and mouths)

(TRADITIONAL FOLK MUSIC)

Hey, Bobo. Where are the strippers?

Shut up.

Take that out the back and don't look inside.

Where's Pauly?

I thought he was coming.

I have to admit, this next part of the story,

it was a little bit embarrassing.

(Gasps)

Oh, stop moving so much, Pauly. You're hurting me.

You never told me

you had the genitals piercings before, did you?

It was all fun and games then. Look now.

Arggh.

Arggh!

Hmm.

These piercings are surgical steel.

It's not going to be easy.

Oh, come on, man. There's no way that's a surgical instrument.

Oh, stop moving. You're quite right, it's not.

But we're a public hospital, so there's been a lot of cutbacks.

What's this needle for, hmm?

Arggh!

That's for tetanus. For your, um...

Oh, that's the scrotus. Ow!

Now, don't breathe.

(Both scream)

Hey, Bobo.

Congratulations, mate.

(Man groans) What do you want?

Take it easy, Bobo, f—--ing tight-arse.

Relax, mate. Smile a bit. F---ing zib.

Where's Sleek? He's a groomsman. He should be here.

(All scream)

(Screams)

Here's to Bobo, my new boss, and his mail-order bride.

ALL: Yeah!

(TANGO MUSIC)

Oh, my God. Bobo.

Oh, it's been, like, a year, hasn't it?

Oh, they tell me it's your bucks night.

Honey, I am gonna give you a strip

that you ain't never gonna forget.

And for 20 bucks extra, I give you a special service.

(Moans seductively)

Wait a minute, Rocky. This time I didn't stuff up, alright?

Because I booked two different strippers

from two different places just in case.

(POUNDING)

(ROCK MUSIC)

Habib! That's that fat bush pig from my 21st, man.

At least it's a chick.

(GUNSHOTS)

(Screams)

( MUZAK PLAYS )

(Yells)

(MUZAK CONTINUES)

(MUZAK CONCLUDES)

Bobo.

(WHIP CRACKS) Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. (WHIP CRACKS)

Mmm.

(Moans) Bobo have big pizza.

Oh, yeah. Big pizza, Bobo.

Oh, yeah.

Bobo! Bobo!

Bobo!

(CLASSICAL MUSIC)

Mama, what?

Bobo, you make-a dirty thoughts,

even on your wedding day.

Arggh! Arggh! Arggh! (Rants indistinctly)

Help!

(Bobo screams)

Mama... (SLAP!)

(Thinks) Oh, man, I'm covered in their fat whale oil

and it just won't come off.

(All shout)

This thing with the fat chicks, bro, it was a wake-up call.

(Screams)

From now on, you have to be good.

Sleeky, your days of threesomes are over.

Yep, it's time to concentrate on rapping, not rooting.

No drugs, hard work and a little bit less pussy.

The new happy days. Yeah.

MAN: OK. They're all here? Good.

I introduce.

Over here is Mr Fung Wah,

boss of Vietnamese Big Bang Bang Gang.

Over here is Mr Fartintino,

Italian Mafia boss.

And I am Dimitri, Russian crime family boss.

Now, we are all making peace between ourselves temporarily

because this f—--ing Lebanese piece of s--- poofter b ------

is rooting all our daughters

and putting filthy videos on the f—--ing Internet!

(TECHNO MUSIC)

We should cut his balls off!

I want him dead!

Give me chopstick, I stick it in his eye, you know.

Take his eye, I eat it.

I want to kill him then resuscitate him again.

You know, like, CPR, and then I want to kill him again!

(All shout)

( ROOSTER CROWS )

(ALARM RINGS)

SONG: ♪ Smoke more cones

♪ Smoke more cones

♪ Smoke more cones

♪ Smoke more cones

♪ Smoke more cones

♪ Smoke more cones

♪ I said, smoke more cones

♪ Smoke more cones

♪ Smoke more cones... ♪

(Retches)

(Spits)

SONG: ♪ Hey, I was stoned as a crow at Altamont

♪ Well, I was stoned as a boot... ♪

( ROOSTER CROWS )

(ROCK MUSIC ROARS)

(RINGING TONE)

(All shout)

PAU LY: You have called Pauly's message thing.

I'm doing things that stop me from answering.

Leave a message after the beep, you stooge.

(BEEP!)

Where is he? He's got the ring!

What do you mean, the kid swallowed the ring?

Come on, Pauly, relax. He's gonna bring it up eventually.

(Baby cries)

I told you so. There y'are, there's your ring back.

Lucky.

Bobo! Photo! Photo!

(All cheer)

(All speak Vietnamese)

(CLASSICAL MUSIC)

(HORN HONKS)

WOMAN: Stop fighting!

(ROCK MUSIC)

Oh, f—--ing hell.

(Raps) ♪ Yeah, Sleek the Elite

♪ I'm going to Bobo's wedding

♪ And I'm betting that it won't last

♪ I think he's gonna get the arse, of course

♪ Man, look at his girl

♪ She looks like a horse Oh, yeah... ♪

Man, what's with these vans? They keep following me, mate.

What's going on?

(OMINOUS MUSIC)

(PHONE RINGS)

Hello.

Habib, man, call all the cousins — all of them.

There's these blokes with guns.

Man, guns!

(PHONE RINGS)

(Woman gasps) More, Rocky, please!

(PHONE RINGS) I'm being called on the phone.

F---. Hello.

What do you want, Habib? What?! Sleek's in trouble?

Where the f--- is he?

(All shout)

(All shout)

(TECHNO MUSIC)

We f—--ing booked this church f—--ing three weeks ago!

I know we f—--ing did

because we booked when I found out I was f—--ing pregnant

with our seventh f—--ing kid.

I booked it four weeks ago.

Dazza goes back inside tomorrow, you f---wit!

Look, let's all calm down and we can work this out.

I don't wanna be f—--ing calm! I wanna be f—--ing married!

Hey, Bobo, what's going on?

Shut up!

Help me get these refugees inside.

What's going on here?

Come on, guys. Come in.

This dumb f ------ priest

has double-booked the f—--ing church.

Hey, Dimitri, what the hell's going on around here?

(Speaks Greek) They booked the f—--ing church.

I'm gonna...|'m gonna f—--ing kill someone,

that's what I'm gonna do, you know!

I'm gonna kick someone's arse around the church!

Now stop yelling!

(Speaks apologetically in Greek)

ALL: Ohh.

DAVO: Hurry up. Come on, hurry up.

For God's sakes, hurry up.

Are you stoned or something, you idiots? You sitty there.

I give you video.

(Screams)

Camera boy. Video boy, eh?

I will kill you like a dog. Grab him!

(Screams)

We're gonna cut your pene off.

(TECHNO MUSIC)

(All shout)

Oi! No-one f—--s with my second cousin, alright?

(All cheer)

Alright, if we're all ready.

Bobo, do... (Davo sniggers)

(Sniggers)

Sorry.

(Groans)

You big fat wog!

(All shout)

Hey, bro, what's happening here?

My cousin's supposed to be getting married.

Oh, the d--khead priest f—--ing triple-booked the church.

And he's locked us out. C---.

Bobo, do you take Lin Chow Bang

to be your lawfully wedded mail-order wife?

I do.

And do you, Lin Chow Bang,

take Bobo to be your lawfully wedded husband?

No speak English.

(DANCE MUSIC)

You see this b ------.

He is rooting all girl and putting on the Internet.

Even yours.

Sleek, I can't believe it, bro.

What are you doing rooting my sister Lisa?

And you too, Habib. I can't believe you filming it, bro.

You're f—--ing dead, mate. I'm gonna kill you!

Yeah, but I never wanked over the pictures.

(All shout)

(HORN HONKS)

Open the f—--ing door!

(Crowd outside shouts)

Look...

(Mouths)

Look, we really can't wait any longer for the ring.

(All shout)

(MOBILE PHONE RINGS)

Hello.

I'm at the side door. Let me in. I can't get in the front.

There's all these nuts out there.

(Crowd outside shouts)

(All cheer)

(BUBBLING NOISE)

Come on, man, no hangs in the church.

Where have you been?

Alright, I'll admit, it probably wasn't a good idea,

dropping in at the boxing on the way to a wedding.

What boxing?

And I'll admit that maybe trying to clean the ring

from the spew from the kid was not a good idea, like,

with them blokes bumping me.

(Crowd roars)

(TECHNO MUSIC)

But, man, I won't admit

that being late was, like, purely my fault.

There was other stooges involved.

(TECHNO MUSIC)

(MYSTICAL MUSIC)

(MYSTICAL MUSIC)

(Screams)

Oh, come on, mate. You're a nerd!

So, then, Mrs Giglioti, what happens is the magician...

( FANFARE)

...he has magicked the ring into the ring.

(TECHNO MUSIC)

(CROWD ROARS)

Take it easy, mate, alright?

So, you know, I knew I'd never beat these two with boxing,

'cause they was too big,

so what I had to do was use, like, wrestling...tricks.

(BELL RINGS)

(TECHNO MUSIC)

You wanna mess with the little guy, huh?!

This is what you get, mate!

This is what you get!

(CROWD ROARS)

This is fake like your stupid magic tricks, isn't it?

The champion is here!

Oh, no. (All heckle)

The champ! The champ! I am the ch... Ow!

(Crowd cheers)

I'm the champ!

(TECHNO MUSIC)

(BELL RINGS)

Look, can we just f—--ing get on with this f—--ing wedding?!

Well, can we?!

F---ing open it.

Now, you, put the ring on her finger.

Go on, put it on her finger.

(Stammers) Yes. Yes, that's it.

Right, you're married.

Good f—--ing luck to you.

(All shout)

(Screams) What about us?!

You stupid f—--ing priest!

What do you think you're doing, you dumb c--- priest?!

Can you make this marrying s--- any quicker?

I gotta get down the pub.

Alright.

You wanna get married?!

Fine.

You're married.

You're married.

You're f—--ing married. Now everyone's f—--ing married!

(Guests cheer)

('WEDDING MARCH' PLAYS)

And at this point,

all there was left to do was go and get pissed.

(Wedding guests shout)

Rocky, I didn't bring any rice, man.

What are we gonna throw? Habib, don't worry about rice.

I got eckies instead.

Eckies? My God, weddings can be so expensive.

Hey, Bobo, I was on the way to your wedding.

I think that means I can get workers' conversation.

Sleek, you're fired.

( 'THAT'S AMORE' PLAYS )

(Sings) ♪ When you try to get in

♪ But your thongs are too thin

♪ That's a Maori

♪ Then we both get chucked out

♪ 'Cause I got me c--k out

♪ That's a Maori... ♪

(Sings flatly) ♪ Bells will ring, ting-a-ling

♪ Ting, ting-a-ling Ting-a-ling

♪ Ting-a-ling... ♪

(Sings badly) ♪ When the stars make you drool

♪ Just like pasta

♪ That's amore... ♪

Who's this?

(Raps) ♪ Ring-a-ling-a-ling I pick up the phone

♪ There's nobody there So I'm at home... ♪

That's Sleek's cousin. His name's Slick.

Slick? Yeah.

He's slicker than Sleek.

Oh, my God.

SONG: ♪ Where's the chicks? Where's the chicks?

♪ Where's the chicks?

♪ Here we are Here we are

♪ Oh, yeah

♪ Where's the chicks? Where's the chicks?

♪ Where's the chicks?

♪ Here we are Here we are

♪ Oh, yeah... ♪

I f—--ing love you.

I love you, too, Dazz. Aw, you little beauty.

(DANCE MUSIC)

(Laughs)

(SIREN BLURTS)

Alright, everyone. We're the immigration police.

(All scream)

Now, I know that most of youse b ------- here

are bloody illegal immigrants.

Who would call the immigration on a day like today, mate?

(Laughs)

Salute.

...detained and deported back to your country of origin.

(All shout)

Habib, shoot him. Come on.

One phone call, mate, and this is what will happen to you.

I'm f—--ing Australian!

(All shout)

The lot of youse, get out of here!

Quiet!

Now that I have your attention, do you understand this —

we take bribes!

(APPLAUSE ) Youse are all fine.

We take; br'mey-bflbey.

(GUNS COCK)

Why...are people so unkind?

(GUNHRE)