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- Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together

for the comedy of Mr. Carlos Mencia!

[cheers and applause]

[energetic rock music]

♪ ♪

- You guys are awesome!

[cheers and applause]

I love your attitude. I really do.

This is what I'’m talking about. This is what America needs.

We need to be happy again.

Too many people out there are, like, unhappy.

And I don'’t know what that'’s like,

'’cause I was born in another country,

and I see America way different than the majority of people.

So, before I even get started,

let me just give you a perspective that'’s mine.

I'’ve been to a lot of other countries,

and I'’m gonna say this straight up--

the United States of America, on our worst day,

is better than any other country on their best day.

Period. End of story.

End of story!

Period!

[cheers and applause]

It'’s true.

My friend the other day goes, "My life sucks.

I have a 1982 Nissan Sentra."

You got a car, bitch? That'’s not suck.

Suck is when you live in Venezuela

and you see a guy that has a donkey with three legs

and you look at that guy, and you'’re like,

"Man, if only I had a three-legged donkey."

I will give people a ride in a circle on my donkey!

Are you out of your mind?

If you think America sucks,

that'’s because you'’ve never been to Guatemala.

Trust me on this one. Oh, yeah!

Because we got to see what'’s real, what'’s awesome,

instead of complaining about what we don'’t know about.

You'’ve heard people out there--

"What'’s wrong with our economy, Carlos?"

Nothing.

"Well, why isn'’t it awesome like it was before?"

Because nothing can be awesome all the time.

It rains sometimes. It snows sometimes.

There'’s earthquakes sometimes.

Things change, and that'’s normal.

We had a great economy for 20 years.

Why can'’t we just be happy with that,

instead of, "But what happened?"

Well, it'’s like sex.

Sex is amazing, but you can'’t do it all the time.

And that'’s what happened.

For 20 years, we were having sex with our economy.

20 years, just, "I want a jet ski.

I want a boat. I want a motorcycle."

[cheers and applause]

Right? And finally we had an orgasm,

and we'’re like, "Don'’t touch it. It'’s sensitive."

That'’s where our economy is. It'’s right there.

We'’re fragile. We'’re fragile.

We'’re fragile.

You want to buy a car?

Don'’t touch it! It'’s sensitive!

How'’s your credit?

Don'’t touch it! It'’s sensitive!

And maybe it'’s because I was born in Honduras that--

You know, my friends are like,

"Dude, why do you love America so much?"

Because if I was in Honduras,

I'’d be the funniest man milking a cow.

[laughter]

That would suck!

I'’d be all, "Hey, anybody want to hear a joke?"

[laughter]

She doesn'’t even have milk. I'’m playing with her chi-chis.

'’Cause it'’s the subtle things. You understand that?

It'’s not the big things that we take for granted.

It'’s the subtle things, you know,

and that'’s what you got to worry about--

the subtle things, the little things.

A friend of mine loves Bush, hates Obama.

My other friend loves Obama, hates Bush.

They were arguing the other day.

"Obama'’s an idiot. He ruined everything."

"What are you talking about, dumbass?

"Obama'’s fixing everything that Bush ruined.

Hey, Carlos, what do you think?"

"I think that we should just be happy

that we have a president that'’s in office."

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"Well, I'’m from Honduras, bitch, where last year

the president just disappeared."

[laughter and applause]

A whole country woke up one day and went,

"What happened to him?"

"I don'’t know!

"Last night he was right there, right there,

"perotoday he'’s not right there.

I no think he coming back."

Because you got to have perspective,

and that'’s the problem--

that people hear a whiny thing,

and they want to go with it and see in perspective.

Get the perspective.

Do you want me to tell you? Our country'’s great.

Do you want me to tell you when we know that our country sucks?

That'’s when Cubans in Miami go to the beach,

get in the water, and swim their ass back to Cuba.

That'’s when our country sucks, all right?

That'’s when we suck.

When there'’s a bunch of people in the water, going,

"Fidel, Fidel!"

And you know who taught me to see this way?

My dad, '’cause my dad is a badass.

My dad'’s a real dude. My dad doesn'’t play games.

He'’s just an honest guy, you know what I mean?

First of all, my dad was born in Honduras,

orphaned at the age of four, okay?

The man worked for money since he was six.

The dude didn'’t wear shoes till he was 12.

He immigrated to America,

moved all his family-- us--to East L.A.,

where all the Mexicans treated us like crap,

because they would say-- and I quote--

"Eh, you'’re from farther."

"But I have papers, bitch!"

"I win. I win."

My dad got his thumb cut off in an industrial accident,

and the dude went to work the next day.

That'’s my dad. That'’s my real dad.

You think you have problems, telling your dad,

"Hey, man, life is hard,"

and your dad going, "When I was a kid..."

My dad didn'’t even talk.

My dad didn'’t even say anything.

I remember I came home at 16 years old, and I go,

"Hey, Dad, I'’m taking A.P. calculus at school.

"Oh, my God!

That'’s the hardest thing I'’ve ever done in my life!"

My dad would go, "Neh!"

"Why you got to be an asshole, Dad?"

Oh, my God. Here'’s a real one.

You can follow my Twitter feed, and this is real.

I lost my voice in Memphis, Tennessee,

all right, about ten months ago.

I'’m freaking out, because as you know,

my voice is all I got.

This face is doing nothing for my career.

And some of you are like, "Eh."

No, let'’s be real. I get it.

Hot chicks come up to me all the time,

and they'’re like, "Oh, my God, you are so funny.

I almost peed my pants," and then they just leave,

so this face is doing nothing for me.

I'’m like a stripper when they turn the lights on.

"Hi-- Oh, my God!"

[imitates dinosaur squawking]

So I'’m freaking out, right?

I'’m in the car freaking out, and my dad calls me up.

"Hey, what'’s going on? I heard something happened to you."

[raspy voice] I go, "Dad, I lost my voice.

"I can'’t talk, and I have two shows tonight,

"and I don'’t want to cancel.

"But I don'’t know what to do, because the doctor said

"he'’s gonna give me a steroid shot

"and a cortisone shot right in my throat.

"And remember when I was ten,

"and I got bit by the dog with rabies,

"and they gave me the 14 shots here on my stomach?

I'’m scared, papi. I don'’t know what to do!"

And my dad goes, "I know it must be hard.

"It must be hard. I can'’t--

"Is it as hard as not having a thumb, pussy?

"Because I can'’t even hold a microphone!

I can'’t even hold a-- mira, mira!"

"I can'’t even pleasure your mom.

"I don'’t have a trigger for the gun.

You know? I don'’t have it."

"Huh? I have to go like that, and then like that,

and then like that, and then like that."

"And if she wants me to play with both,

"I have to go like this. I have to go like that.

That'’s how I finger your mom."

"Thanks, Dad." [imitates retching]

You guys laugh. He really says stuff like that!

The dude is a perv. My parents had 18 kids.

They talk about bangin'’ all the time!

I remember I was, like, six years old,

and my dad'’s walking up the stairs,

and he stops, and he goes, "Hey, don'’t come upstairs.

I'’m gonna '’mmm'’ your mom."

That was how I reacted when I was six.

But by the time I was ten, I was a smart-ass.

So my dad was halfway up the stairs, and he goes,

"Hey, don'’t come upstairs. I'’m gonna '’mmm'’ your mom."

I go, "Hey, Dad, I was reading your Playboymagazines,

"and there'’s a good move that you could do

to make Mom have the best orgasm ever."

And he goes, "¿De veras?What do I do?"

I go, "Go like this."

"Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!"

But he laughed,

'’cause my dad'’s cool with laughter.

My dad'’s, like, real like that.

And what my dad taught me when I was a kid was,

if you'’re real and you'’re honest,

it'’ll cut through the B.S.

Just stick to it. Right now I'’m gonna tell you a story.

Every man in this room is gonna want to laugh,

but the majority of you won'’t,

because you'’re slaves to the lies that you'’ve told before

and now you can'’t deviate from it, all right?

Seriously.

Here'’s what happened. All right, I'’m four years old.

First lesson in "be real to the extreme."

I'’m walking by my mom and dad'’s bedroom.

I stop. I look in.

My mom looks at my dad and goes, "Oye...

do I look fat in this dress?"

And my dad goes, "Don'’t be stupid.

You look fat in everything."

See, look at all the guys. "Ha ha, eh...

"Uh-uh. No..."

My dad stuck to his guns. Flipped it on my mom.

'’Cause my mom got mad and went, "You'’re an asshole."

"How am I the bad guy?

"You'’re fat, and I'’m taking you to dinner to get fatter.

How am I the bad guy?"

"I'’m gonna feed you. Then I'’m gonna '’mmm'’ you.

How am I the bad guy?"

And then my mom goes, "Ay, viejo,you'’re so funny."

Aah!

Mm!

The man'’s a genius...

because when you'’re real like that, that'’s when it'’s fun.

And that'’s a big problem that we have in America--

an inability to be real with the good and the bad.

Just be real.

Like most of you-- I'’m gonna be real.

Most people out there should not watch the news,

because you don'’t understand that the news

is there to scare us to watch more news.

That'’s what they'’re good at. That'’s what they'’re amazing at.

You know when it started? 1999.

You remember what they did in 1999?

"Oh, the Y2K bug. Everything with a computer'’s gonna stop.

Every car, everything."

And what did we do? We stayed home and did what?

Watched television. That'’s what we did, like idiots.

"I wonder what'’s gonna happen! I wonder what'’s gonna happen!"

If you don'’t believe me, what did they tell us

was gonna happen in L.A. today?

"Oh, my God! There'’s gonna be Carmageddon!"

Fuckin'’ nothing!

'’Cause it'’s bullshit, that'’s why.

They scare us. That'’s what they'’re good at.

They scare us. It'’s what they'’re good at!

Remember last year? What was the scare last year?

The B.P. oil spill.

Remember the words that they were using?

"It'’s catastrophic. It'’s cataclysmic.

"It'’s apocalyptic.

"This ecosystem will never recover.

"It will take decades, if not centuries,

to find the oil."

The other day,

me and my 4 1/2-year-old son, Luke,

were watching television.

They went all over the Gulf Coast and took samples.

They couldn'’t find any oil, and they'’re like,

"I don'’t know why we can'’t find the oil."

And my son yells out, "That'’s '’cause there'’s

a lot of water in the ocean!"

"It'’s kind of like when I do pee-pee in your pool."

"Whoa. When you do what, bro?

Don'’t piss in my pool, Luke!"

"But you didn'’t know, Daddy. You didn'’t know!

"'’Cause it'’s a little bit of pee-pee in a lot of water!"

You know what else I hate about the news?

You notice that no matter what happens,

the only time we'’re all Americans

is after September 11th

or after we kill Osama bin Laden.

Any other time it'’s what?

Are you on the East Coast? Are you on the West Coast?

Are you on the Right? Are you on the Left?

Are you in a red state? Are you in a blue state?

This is all crap. I want you to know that.

But people believe it. I was in Cleveland, Ohio.

This guy goes, "Hey, I just want you to know

"that I love your comedy,

"but you should be careful what you say.

This is a red state."

And I'’m like, "No, no, no, no, no.

This is an American state."

He goes, "Oh, no, it'’s a red state,

and there'’s a difference."

I'’m like, "Really? So you'’re telling me

that if Ahmed, the terrorist, strapped to a bomb,

walks in here right now and goes,

"Look at me, you American Satan pig.

"You kill Osama bin Laden, and I am here to kill you.

"Prepare to die and meet the death,

for I am the bringer of hell."

"Hey, this is a red state."

"Oh, my God, I almost kill you. Are you serious?

"You are kidding me. Really? No!

Rahim! [speaks fake foreign language]

Red state!

And then when they should say something, they don'’t,

'’cause it'’s politically incorrect.

I don'’t care about political correctness.

Some jokes even aren'’t about race

as much as they are about melanin content.

Here'’s one example--

I'’m watching the news the other day,

and the President of the United States,

Barack Obama--and some of you might'’ve seen this--

went in the water in the Gulf Coast

to show us that there'’s no oil in the Gulf Coast.

Beautiful sentiment, but I'’m at home going,

"Isn'’t anybody gonna mention that the President

just might be the wrong race for that specific job?"

Think about it.

Think about it.

Did we seriously send a black guy in the water...

to show us there'’s no black oil?

Really?

What, did he go in ashy and come out shiny?

Is that how we figured this out?

Don'’t we have a white Vice President?

Hey, Biden, get your ass in the water!

We need the contrast, bro!

If we ever have a milk spill, the President would be perfect.

Because they don'’t want to mention it.

The other day somebody was talking about immigration

on the news, okay?

That'’s good. Talk about it.

But it'’s always on the Right or on the Left, right?

So right now I'’m in a legal battle

with one of the news networks, right?

I'’m gonna tell you a story,

but I can'’t tell you what news network it is.

Legally I can'’t tell you.

What I can tell you is

it starts with a "C,"

and it ends with an "N."

See, you know some of you were like, "C-SPAN, C-SPAN.

Bet you it'’s C-SPAN."

So here'’s what it is.

They call you from these news networks, right?

And then they say, "Hey, what side are you on?"

Like, what do you mean what side am I on?

And then they throw things at you,

and you end up having to defend things

that you don'’t believe in because you chose a side

as opposed to talking about a subject.

So, in December, they called me up from this news network,

and they'’re like, "Hey, Carlos, uh, we'’re doing a panel.

"We'’re gonna talk about the things that occurred in 2010,

and we'’d love for you to be a part of it."

I said, "I would love to! What are we gonna talk about?"

And that'’s when the guy got all weird on me.

He'’s like, "Oh, before we get into the subject matter,

I want to know-- what'’s your angle?"

And I'’m like, "Uh, erect."

"No. Where are you coming from?"

"My house. Are these the questions?

'’Cause I'’m gonna kick ass in this interview!"

And he goes,

"All right, let me clarify.

Are you a Democrat or a Republican?"

"I'’m neither." "Well, why not?"

"Because I'’m kind of smart, and I don'’t enjoy being half wrong

all the fuckin'’ time."

[cheers and applause]

Why don'’t you just have the balls

to ask me what you really want to ask me,

which is, am I a liberal or a conservative?

And he goes, "Well, are you a liberal or conservative?"

And I said, "Yes."

See? See? Look at some of you.

"You'’re still confusing me!"

Well, what are we talking about?

I am a liberal, and I am a conservative.

Are we talking about my daughter?

'’Cause if we'’re talking about my daughter,

I'’m a staunch conservative that believes

in staunch conservative Judeo-Christian

biblical-based Bible Belt values.

But when it comes to your daughter, I'’m a liberal.

[moaning]

Ta-da!

So I'’m watching this guy, right, on the news.

They'’re talking about immigration.

And he said something, and nobody called him on it.

Nobody did. I want to be on that panel.

He was a guy who'’s a legislator in Alabama,

and he really said this. He goes...

[southern accent] "I believe in immigration,

"but I also believe the people

"that live in the United States of America

"should make an effort

to learn how to speak English without an accent."

Even my dad was like, "What the fuck did he just say?"

"I don'’t know."

How do you talk smack about how other people speak English

when you just got hit by a "ter-nader"?

Are you kidding me?

Are you kidding me?

Even Cubans in the water are like,

"That'’s not how you say '’tornado'’!"

I hate the fact that according to the news,

we'’re only Americans on September 12th.

We'’re only Americans after Osama bin Laden dies.

You'’re only allowed to laugh

at an American of a different race

if you know that race or you'’re of that race.

That'’s crap.

We'’re all Americans, but we don'’t believe that.

No. Because people in America

think that guy from that state

is different from me from this state.

And I know that is a fact, '’cause here'’s what happened,

all right, to prove to me that this is real.

I was in Little Rock, Arkansas, all right?

I got off the highway, bam, I hit a stoplight.

I look over. A woman is giving her man a handy

in the car, all right?

I immediately Tweeted it.

"I just pulled into Little Rock, Arkansas,

and a woman is giving her man a '’handy'’ in the car," all right?

30 seconds, 30 seconds--

82 responses, and they all said the same thing.

"I bet you that'’s his sister."

And people have those ideas about me

because I'’m from California.

I was in Birmingham, Alabama,

and this guy'’s like, "Hey, man, I love your show.

"I was skeptical at first. I had no idea.

"Your name'’s Carlos.

"I thought you were gonna come up here

"and say, '’White people suck'’ and, '’Viva la raza.'’

"But you'’re an American, damn it--I appreciate that.

"It'’s like you got an attitude like you'’re from here,

but you ain'’t from here."

And he goes, "Where are you from?"

And I'’m like, "California."

I swear to God he goes, "Oh, man, all those fags."

Really, bro?

Seriously?

'’Cause everybody at home, that'’s what happens

when you come to Cali-- you land, and we blow you.

I don'’t know if you know this or not.

And you'’re like, "How you doing? Hey!

What the hell is going on?"

"Welcome to Cali!"

[imitates laughter]

♪ This is how we do it ♪

I don'’t get it, and I don'’t get the fact

that when it comes to immigration,

we'’re not real about this.

Look at what we'’ve become.

"Carlos, immigration is an issue,

"and immigrants are everywhere.

How do we get rid of '’em? Why are they here?"

First of all, immigration is an American problem.

Do you understand that? We created it.

We caused it, not illegals.

"Yeah, but why are they here?"

Well, why don'’t you stop giving '’em jobs, bitch!

That'’s why they'’re here now. That'’s it!

Stop giving '’em jobs, and they won'’t stay.

It'’s that simple.

But you see how a lot of you are like,

"It'’s more complicated than that."

You know why you believe that? Because you watch the news.

And you see all these people complicating

a very simple issue.

I'’m telling you straight up--

no work, no illegals.

I have proof, okay?

The majority of illegal aliens are from Mexico.

Mexico borders the United States of America

on the north.

But on the south, it actually borders El Salvador

and Guatemala.

Interestingly enough,

neither El Salvador nor Guatemala

happen to have a fuckin'’ immigration problem!

You know what else they don'’t have?

Work. They don'’t have work!

And you know at least one Mexican went down

and came back to Mexico, and went, "Wow.

Don'’t go down there."

You ever heard of a Cuban swimming

to the Dominican Republic?

No work, no illegals.

The problem is, we want to be victims in this country now.

We really do.

"An illegal alien took my job."

You'’re telling me that some dude that can'’t speak English

took your job?

I don'’t want to be rude, but how do you lose your job

to a mime?

And I speak Spanish, okay? I get it.

'’Cause Spanish is required sometimes,

and I can'’t imagine what it'’s like

to be some of you people that don'’t speak it,

when you'’re caught in a situation

where you'’re talking to somebody whose accent is so thick,

you just give up and come back later.

I understand that, all right?

I was on my way to Reno, Nevada, okay?

And there'’s a McDonald'’s there,

and the dude working there, he'’s an illegal alien,

straight up.

And I knew this because I drove--

[laughs]

Okay, I drove up through the drive-through,

and this is exactly what I heard--

"Welcome to Madonna'’s."

Madonna owns this place?

So I immediately realize I got to order in Spanish,

or this guy'’s gonna give me ketchup, straws,

barbecue sauce, and a McFlurry.

I know this is about to happen.

"Hey, what is this?"

"It'’s a McFlurry."

"I said make it in a hurry, bitch.

Are you kidding me?"

[chuckles]

So I order in Spanish, trying to help him out.

He gets mad at me.

Yeah. This is exactly how it went down.

"Welcome to Madonna'’s."

[speaking in Spanish]

And he got-- "Oh, that'’s a bull-chit.

I could-a take-a cha order in Englich."

"Well, you'’re the one working at '’Madonna'’s,'’ sir."

Now, a lot of you people have been in that situation,

and I know how you feel,

because sitting next to me was a guy named Joey Sosa,

who'’s a good friend of mine.

Happens to be of Mexican descent from Corpus Christi,

cannot speak a lick of Spanish, none.

So then he goes, "See, dude? This is my problem.

"What would I do if I wasn'’t with you?

"Thank God you know Spanish.

"And this is why we hate illegal aliens.

"We don'’t care that they'’re here,

"but there is a problem when they work at a place

"where communication skills are required

"and they don'’t even take the time to learn the language.

The least they could do is learn how to speak English."

And I said--and see how some of you are clapping?

I get it, but you people clapping--

you haven'’t finished the thought.

Finish the thought. That'’s what I said to him.

Take another step. "What do you mean?"

And for you people that clapped, think about this.

What does that guy having that job

say about us Americans?

Nothing? Yes, it does, because that guy who said

"Welcome to Madonna'’s,"

out of all the people that applied,

was the best applicant for that position.

[cheers and applause]

How? How?

I want to see the other interviews.

How did he end up with the job?

"Can you say '’welcome to McDonald'’s'’?"

"I love peanut butter, yes, I do!"

"Can you say '’welcome to McDonald'’s'’?"

"Lollipop! I love to lick the lollipop!"

"Can you say '’welcome to McDonald'’s'’?"

"Welcome to Madonna'’s."

Close enough. Get that man a headset!

What do we do? We say things that don'’t make sense.

Do you understand how stupid we sound on the news

to anybody who even knows a little bit about our history

when we say things in America like,

"I don'’t mind immigration,

but I do mind illegal immigration"?

No, you don'’t. We'’re America.

Every beautiful thing that we have in this country

was built illegally.

This is not me saying this as a beaner.

I'’m saying this as an American

who accepts the reality of who we are.

White people, when you landed on Plymouth Rock,

you did not have a visa.

And look, all the immigrants are laughing.

Look at all the white people-- "But that was a long time ago."

And some of you don'’t want to laugh

because we'’re in an Indian casino.

I know how it is.

It'’s okay.

All the Indians are like,

"Tell it like it is, Carlos. Tell it like it is."

First of all, let'’s be real.

We don'’t care about Native Americans

in this country, okay?

And see how some of you are like, "Yeah, you do."

No, you don'’t. There is not a person in this room

that after the show--

you walk out in that casino and hit the jackpot,

not one of you bitches would give the money back to Geronimo

and apologize for taking his shit...

none of you.

And you know what? Neither would I.

I'’d be counting my money like this.

♪ One little, two little, three little hundreds ♪

♪ Four little, five little, six little hundreds ♪

♪ Seven little, eight little, nine little hundreds ♪

[humming]

[imitates Native American call]

'’Cause I at least can admit I'’m an American.

I don'’t care about Indians.

Do you think we care about the feelings

of Native Americans

when we celebrate Columbus Day?

That'’s the day that the white man discovered a land...

where Indians had been living for a few thousand years.

And that'’s the American I want--

that badass, ballsy American.

And I love that American.

That white man that landed on Plymouth Rock

looked out into America and said,

"We discovered this land."

The Indians on the beach were like,

"I don'’t think he sees us.

"Make some noise!"

[imitates Native American chanting]

"Light a fire! Light a fire!"

Instead what do we do?

We do things like create laws that aren'’t necessary.

We already have the law.

Don'’t hire '’em, they'’re not gonna be here.

But we got to add laws-- Ooh, S.B. 1070 in Arizona.

"If you look, act, or sound like an illegal,

we'’re gonna ask you for your papers."

And I'’m not even kidding you, when that law first passed,

I got over 1,000 phone calls from people, organizations--

"You need to help us protest. You need to boycott Arizona."

I will do no such thing.

I love that law on a personal level,

because my brother Joseph, who annoys me to no end--

because how can you live in America for over 45 years

and still say, "How are '’jou'’?"

I don'’t understand it. I don'’t get it.

And that dude moved to Arizona

three months before the law passed.

And I gave him the down payment.

I knew what was gonna happen.

Because, people, he doesn'’t even try.

Whatever you think about me,

whatever you think about me, people, I try.

Yeah, 1992, I saw myself on HBO.

I did a joke where I went, "Oh, come on, homes.

You don'’t eat the penis."

And I went, "Oh, my God.

"That accent'’s not gonna sell any tickets

outside of Los Angeles."

So I bought these annunciation tapes,

and I'’m at home trying to be a good American,

going, "Ten dwarves took turns doing handstands

on the carpet."

Yeah. My brother Joseph walks in--

"Hey, '’eberybody'’! We gonna celebrate tonight!

I pass the test. I become a citizen of the Chunited Estate."

"How did you pass the test?

Was there not a verbal portion of this exam?"

He looked at me right in the face and went,

"It was easy.

They give it to me in E-Spanish."

By the way, that is not a joke.

My brother took the test to become an American

in Spanish.

So you can imagine how happy I was

when I'’m watching CNN

and that woman signs the bill into law.

And 22 seconds later, my phone rings.

It'’s my brother Joseph. I wonder what he has to say.

I hit "answer." I went like this, "Hello?"

This is exactly what I heard come out of his mouth.

"'’Samana'’ bitch!"

"'’Jou'’ know they gonna ask me for my papers."

Ironically, my brother really is an American citizen,

but he is afraid that they'’re gonna ask him for his papers,

so he goes around town

with an American passport in his pocket out of fear.

Yeah. Ironically, I have a friend

who'’s an actual illegal alien, okay?

He'’s a real illegal.

He is not afraid whatsoever of being asked for his papers,

because he happens to be a white guy from England.

Yeah.

And he lives in Scottsdale, Arizona.

So, when the law passed, right,

two weeks later I go visit my brother.

I call my friend up. I'’m like, "You want to have lunch?"

He says yes. We'’re having lunch,

I look at him straight in the face and go,

"Hey, man, what are you gonna do, bro?

"S.B. 1070 passed, and they'’re looking for illegals.

"You gonna move out? You gonna go to another state?

What'’s going on?"

In the calmest voice,

he looked at me right in the face and went...

[British accent] "Well, that law is not for me."

[normal voice] "Uh, it'’s exactly for you, wetback."

Oh, come on, he'’s a wetback. Let'’s get that out of the way.

"If we are gonna call Mexicans wetbacks,

"symbolically speaking,

"for crossing a river that wide and that deep,

you crossed the Atlantic, bitch."

[cheers and applause]

"You are a wetback cubed."

He didn'’t even laugh.

He just looked at me right in the face and went,

[British accent] "Carlos, look at me.

"Do you honestly believe that the police

would ever ask me for me papers?"

[normal voice] No, I don'’t, you son of a bitch.

I hate you! God, I hate the truth!

'’Cause at that moment, I realized

that if him and my brother were to get into an altercation,

you know what I mean?

And the cops show up, and they'’re like,

"Break it up right now or you'’re both going to jail.

"I need to know why this went down.

What'’s your side of the story?"

[British accent] "Officer, I'’ll tell you what happened.

"I was walking down the street, minding me own business,

"when from on across the street,

"I heard this bloke yell out, '’Show your papers.'’

"So I came across the street and showed him

"the same respect he showed me by punching him in the face.

That'’s how this started on my behalf."

[normal voice] "I understand why you did it, sir.

What about you? What'’s your side of the story?"

"Okay.

I'’m gonna tell you '’the troo.'’"

[normal voice] "Show me your papers first, though, please."

"Okay, that'’s bull-chit. That'’s bull-chit!"

"He was talking funny, too, okay?

"He was talking funny, too.

"And sometime he drive on the wrong side of the street.

Ask him about that. Ask him about that."

See, look at some of you-- "Was he dyslexic?"

Whatever. Let'’s just move on.

See, '’cause for me, life is about moments, man,

like this moment.

I'’m trying to make it a great moment.

That'’s what we'’re all about.

I'’m gonna create a moment tomorrow.

You tell me if this is gonna be a fun moment, all right?

I'’m gonna drive down to Tijuana, Mexico,

and right when you cross the border,

there'’s actually not a fence.

A lot of structural stuff. Here'’s what I'’m gonna do.

I'’m gonna walk on the Mexican side of the border

till it becomes a fence.

Then I'’m gonna climb the fence and straddle it.

I'’m gonna be half and half, pretending to jump over,

just to get the attention of Border Patrol.

And when that Border Patrol car, which is a Ford Explorer

white SUV with a green stripe on the side...

Look at all the mojados-- "He knows!"

And when that car is right there,

you know what I'’m gonna do?

I'’m gonna hop over and land on American soil.

And I just want to see the look on his face when he goes,

"Hey! This is the United States of America!

It is a sovereign na--"

"Shh!

I am discovering this land."

"I discover your car and your keys.

"Please give them to me.

"Don'’t cry, señor. Someday you will have a casino.

Shh."

Look at all the Indians-- "No! No! No! No!"

Because when we'’re honest, we can be this.

We can be real. We can be honest and real.

And that'’s when we can get the truth out of who we are.

Instead of "what happened?" and "it'’s not my fault,"

let'’s be honest.

America, beside of what anybody thinks--

Let me tell you something about our country.

Our country is so badass, so awesome, so--

We have a food network.

Other countries don'’t even have food.

Do you see the difference?

People in other countries watch our food network

like we watch the porn channel...

in utter disbelief of what they'’re seeing.

You ever watch porn, and you masturbate under protest?

'’Cause you'’re looking at it and going, "All right.

"I'’m gonna do it, but I just want it for the record--

"there is no way that the gardener

"is getting that kind of quality ass.

I don'’t believe it. I don'’t believe it!"

That'’s what they'’re doing in other countries.

"Oh, there cannot be that many Bundt cakes."

"Oh, look at all those eggs! Look at all those eggs!"

Do you want me to tell you how awesome our country is?

And you got to think about this for a second,

because when I say it,

it'’s not gonna make any sense to you,

because we have nothing to compare it to.

But think about other countries,

and you'’ll understand what I'’m saying.

America is so amazing,

we actually have fat poor people.

And look how a lot of you are like,

"I don'’t understand why that'’s funny."

Because in other countries, it'’s not like that.

We know you'’re poor in Africa because you look like that.

Like that with a head.

Aha! You see how you recognized the fly swatting?

And by the way,

I'’m not telling you this so you'’ll feel guilty about it.

I'’m not that comedian. Good for you if you'’re fat.

Seriously.

You'’re calorie-rich, bitch!

Yes!

But we need to put it in perspective,

because there'’s people out there that say stupid things like,

"Well, in other countries..."

I don'’t want to hear about other countries.

Do you want me to tell you why? Because we'’re Americans.

And we'’re different than every other country,

because we'’re the crazy people of every other country.

Normal Mexicans are in Mexico.

Normal white people are in Europe.

We'’re not those people. We are the crazy people.

That'’s why we come up with ideas that nobody else does.

We live in a country where a redneck got drunk off his ass,

woke up with his robe on backwards,

looked at his friend, and went,

"Hey, I'’m gonna call this a Snuggie and sell it.

What do you think?"

We'’re crazy.

Why do you think that we'’re the only country in the world

that doesn'’t embrace soccer as its national sport?

Do you know why? It'’s not true. It'’s not.

You'’re telling me that we embrace soccer

as our national sport?

No, we don'’t, and do you know why?

- Bullshit! - It'’s bullshit that we don'’t?

No, it'’s bullshit that you want us to.

[cheers and applause]

And let me tell you why--

because it'’s not the actual sport itself.

See, that'’s your problem.

You like the sport, and you want the rest of us to enjoy it.

That'’s not what we hate,

because football is just an involved--

It'’s actually called "football" everywhere else except for here.

Basketball is just soccer with hoops.

Hockey is just soccer with ice on sticks.

So why is it that we like those sports but not soccer?

And you want me to tell you why? Because we'’re America.

And we believe in winning and losing,

but we do not believe in mediocrity.

And what we hate about soccer is a tie.

That'’s what we hate about soccer.

No ties. We don'’t like '’em.

No!

No tie!

Could you imagine what would happen

if you went to a baseball game,

and, at the end of nine innings, it'’s tied...

and everybody starts walking off the field?

You'’d be like, "Whoa, whoa, whoa.

what'’s going on here?"

"The game is over."

"Nothing is over!"

I paid $42 for two beers and nachos.

You will get the fuck back on the field now!

Get out there, now.

[cheers and applause]

There will be a winner and a loser!

That'’s what we hate.

And for all the intelligent people in here

who think I just went to a visceral joke

to get a visceral reaction,

fine-- I'’ll talk to you.

- Talk to me, fucker!

- Why do you think

that we haven'’t left Iraq or Afghanistan yet,

being that if we leave today,

we didn'’t lose?

You want me to tell you why?

Because we didn'’t win either. That'’s why.

Because we believe in winning.

And when we leave Iraq and we leave Afghanistan,

the world will know that we won.

Because Vietnam left the taste of ass in our mouth,

that we never want again.

We will win. And you know what happened?

A lot of people forgot about that.

A lot of people thought

we'’re really politically correct America

who doesn'’t tell gay jokes.

No, that'’s not who we really are.

America is really a country

that when we say we'’re gonna do something, we do it,

even if it takes us ten years.

I guarantee you Osama bin Laden was chillin'’,

thinking the same thing.

"Oh, the American people forgot about me.

Ten years. They'’re not even looking."

Knock, knock. "Who'’s there?"

"Us, bitch, that'’s who'’s there.

"Us! America!

Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!"

[cheers and applause]

Navy SEAL Team 6, bitch!

And that'’s how crazy America is.

Why did we send Navy SEALs instead of the Special Forces?

Because we knew that farther away

the Navy SEALs got from water,

the more angry these son of a bitches became!

That'’s why!

By the time they got to the desert,

they were like, "Shoot the bitches!"

[imitates gunfire]

Do you want me to tell you how crazy they were?

They blew up their own helicopter!

"We need to get back to the water now!"

"What do we do with Osama'’s body?"

"Put it in the ocean!"

And look at all the Republicans that want to laugh,

but you can'’t...

'’cause that was a sad day for Republicans, bro.

It was a happy five seconds.

Then all Republicans got a text or a phone call.

"Hey, Osama bin Laden'’s dead."

And you know what you did. You turned on the news.

And it said "Osama bin Laden Dead,"

and you Republicans went, "Yes, we got that son of a bitch,

'’cause we'’re America."

Then you realized what that really meant,

and you went, "Son of a bitch!

"Obama'’s gonna win again!

No! No!"

[whining]

And you know somewhere Bush was going,

"I thought he was in a cave."

And you know Obama'’s pissed at himself.

"Ugh!"

The timing of the President was off by days.

Could you imagine if his timing had been right

what he could'’ve done?

He could'’ve come out and looked at America and said,

"I am Barack Obama,

"President of the United States of America,

"and I set the orders to kill Osama bin Laden,

"illegally, in a foreign, sovereign nation,

"without their permission,

"and against the Constitution,

"which says we should never assassinate somebody.

"I sent our Navy SEALs on a team to kill.

"But not only that.

Osama bin Laden is not only dead..."

And then he could'’ve actually had a picture

of dead Osama bin Laden

holding the President'’s birth certificate.

That would'’ve been the bomb!

Oh, my God, at that point,

he wouldn'’t have even had to talk.

He would'’ve just whipped it out and walked away.

It'’s accepted.

Instead what do we have?

People that want to hate their own country.

"We'’re an imperialist nation," and this and that.

First of all, other countries are gonna hate us

no matter what we do.

You want me to tell you why?

Because they think we'’re arrogant.

And you know why they think we'’re arrogant?

Because we'’re Americans, and our lives are so amazing

that when we go to other countries,

we think they live like us.

So we ask them for things that we think are normal,

but they'’re not normal.

So then they get mad at us.

Like air-conditioning.

Air-conditioning is normal in America--in anywhere.

You could go to a trailer park.

These sons of bitches got little A.C.s--

everywhere we go.

But it ain'’t like that in other countries.

And I know some of you right now are going,

"Well, I'’ve been to Mexico, and they had air conditioners."

No, you'’ve never been to Mexico.

You went to Cancun or Mazatlan or Puerto Vallarta.

That'’s Little America in Mexico. That'’s what that is.

If you really want to go to Mexico,

the next time you go to Cabo,

get in a cab and tell the Mexican driver,

"Hey, señor, take me to the real Mexico."

He'’ll be like, "Are you sure?"

"It no look like this!"

I wanted to go to Jamaica.

My friend'’s like, "Don'’t go to the regular Jamaica.

Go to the real Jamaica where we go."

And my stupid ass--

"I'’m gonna go to the real Jamaica!"

Dumb ass.

I get there, and it'’s hot as balls.

And I'’m not--

I'’m trying really hard not to be that American

that goes and complains,

but let me tell you what happened.

A bead of sweat developed right here

on the top of my head, and it rolled down,

and it got bigger, and it rolled down and down,

and when it hit my asshole, I went, "That'’s enough.

That is enough! No!"

I went to the front desk, and I'’m like--

Seriously, this is not a joke.

"I don'’t care how much money it costs.

I want the room with an air conditioner."

The guy laughed in my face.

[imitates laughter]

[Jamaican accent] Dis boy want an air condition-ah!"

[exhales deeply]

"Did ya feel da breeze?"

[normal voice] You would think that the cradle, right,

the birthplace of our civilization--Europe--

would be just like us or even better,

'’cause they had a head start on us, but, no.

You ever go to Europe, get used to a couple things.

Buildings with no elevators '’cause they'’re old.

Buildings with no A.C. '’cause they'’re old.

A lot of warm beverages, and interestingly enough,

if you'’re lucky to get ice, they'’re gonna put three cubes,

and you better be happy.

Don'’t be an idiot like I was

when I was in France and the guy gave me three cubes,

and I'’m like, "I'’m sorry, monsieur.

Uh, can I have some more ice, please?"

[French accent] "Oh, ze American asshole

wants more fuckin'’ ice, huh?"

[normal voice] "Is it harder to freeze water

"in this part of the world or something?

"Because I asked for ice, not a penguin.

I don'’t understand your reaction."

And he looks at me, and he goes,

[French accent] "You are a typical American asshole.

Suce le."

[normal voice] Yeah. And I went, "Whoa, whoa, whoa.

"Don'’t ever tell me to '’suck it'’ in French,

assuming that I don'’t know your language."

[speaking in French]

Yeah.

He'’s like, "Oh, really?"

I'’m like, "Oui, oui.

"Listen, bro...

"I believe we started off on the wrong foot.

"Why are you upset that I asked you for ice,

"being that I think it'’s really meaningless,

and I don'’t understand this?

And he goes, "I will tell you ze problem.

"People come to France from all over ze world,

"and they ask for a cold beverage,

"but ze only people who complain are ze Americans.

"Why? Why is this, eh?

"Do you see that black man? He is from Africa.

"He asked for a cold beverage. We give him three cubes.

Look at how happy he is. Why is he so happy?"

"Because he'’s from Africa,

and he'’s probably never seen ice before."

He'’s probably gonna call his friends and be like,

"Unbuntu, you are not going to believe dis.

"Dey froze water!

Like a rock! Like a rock!"

"I, sir, on the other hand, am not impressed by ice.

"But it doesn'’t come from a place of arrogance

"like you think.

"It comes from a place of humility.

"You see, in America, we expect a nice restaurant like this

"to have ice, and do you want me to tell you why?

"Because in America, when we go out to eat,

"not at the great restaurants, not at the good ones,

"not at the okay ones, not at the mediocre ones,

"but at the crappiest ones we have,

"they actually don'’t give us a beverage,

"nor do they give us ice.

"They actually give us an empty cup

and point us to this magical machine."

"And we put it in, and ice just comes out of it!"

And for some reason, toward the end,

a big chunk falls in.

Right? It does. And by the time you pull out,

you'’re like, "There'’s way too much ice in here."

So we pour some of it out!

And then we fill it up with Diet Coke,

'’cause we'’re really fat.

By the way, that joke is gonna be hysterical

the next time you go to one of those places,

and you'’re about to get it,

and you see all the ice under the grate.

People are gonna be like, "Why are you laughing?"

"You don'’t understand. The guy was like,

"'’Three cubes, three cubes.'’

"And the African is like,

"'’You are not going to believe this.

You are not going to believe this.'’"

Who are we instead, huh?

We'’re the people that want to complain about everything now.

We'’re the people that want to bitch our way into success.

And when people like me make fun of idiots--

"You'’re mean, Carlos."

It'’s not that I'’m mean.

It'’s that somebody has to talk to these people,

because if we don'’t tell people when they make mistakes,

they'’re just gonna repeat '’em over and over again.

As an example, why can'’t we talk about

the people that lost their houses?

"Oh, they lost their houses."

Yeah, but why did they lose their houses?

Can we talk about that?

"Well, why didn'’t any smart people know

"or predict that this economic downfall would occur

with regard to the mortgage crisis?"

Uh, because smart people never thought,

never even fathomed that that many million Americans

would buy a house they couldn'’t fuckin'’ afford.

That'’s why.

And see?

Look at all the people that aren'’t clapping.

"You'’re mean, Carlos." That'’s not it!

It'’s that, where is there personal responsibility

for what we do?

I got a heart, and I have a brain.

The problem with me is my brain and my heart

are always fighting, okay?

'’Cause here'’s what happens.

I turn on the news, and I see a guy, right, going,

"I lost my home because my mortgage

"more than doubled.

"It went from $1,100 to $2,300...

"because I didn'’t know that it was an adjustable rate.

I didn'’t know that it was an adjustable rate."

You know what happens at that moment?

My heart goes, "Oh, my God. Let'’s get this guy'’s name

"and send him $5,000 so he can stay in that house

for a little longer."

That'’s what my heart says. I swear to God.

You know what my brain says?

"Uh, hold on. Before you write that check,

I got a question."

"Uh, let me get this straight.

"You lost your house because you didn'’t know

"that it was with an adjustable rate?

"So you initialed or signed each page

"of a stack of papers that thick,

"saying you would pay something for 30 years of your life,

"and you forgot to read it.

"Is that what happened?

Is that what happened?"

How do you not read your contract?

I'’ll make people start reading their contracts.

I'’m gonna slip things in there on page, like, number 7.

Things that say, in simple English,

"If you initial the bottom of this page,

you agree to the fact that a big black guy

"with a 13-inch penis

"is gonna come and do your mom from behind

once a month."

Oh, people will start reading their contracts after that!

You show up at Nana'’s house, and there'’s a black guy going,

"What'’s up, baby? What'’s up?

"What'’s up, baby? Ah!

"You didn'’t read the contract? Ah, suki-suki!

"It'’s all good, baby. I brought it. It'’s right there.

"Go ahead. Read it now, read it now.

"It'’s on page 7, baby.

Oh, let me flip it to page 7 for your ass."

Mom'’s gonna be like, "I can'’t believe

you didn'’t read the contract!"

Everybody'’s become a victim.

"It'’s not my fault. It'’s not my fault."

We'’re making diseases out of choices now.

My friend called me up. He'’s like, "I have a disease.

I'’m an alcoholic."

"Uh, that'’s not a disease. That'’s a choice."

"Well, my doctor said it'’s a disease."

"Well, I'’m not a doctor, but I'’m telling you,

"according to me, it'’s a choice.

You choose to drink, or you choose not to drink."

That'’s not a disease. That'’s a choice.

Okay?

Nobody would have polio

if it came in a shot glass.

[chuckles]

You would never show up at your friend'’s house

on a Sunday morning-- "What happened last night?"

"Party time, bitches!

Should'’ve had the Jager bombs!"

And look at me. I do feel sorry for people.

There are people that I really feel sorry for.

I feel sorry for Mexicans with thick mustaches

that look like Saddam Hussein at the airport security.

You know he gets checked every time he flies.

"I'’m sorry, sir. Random security check."

He'’s speaking Spanish.

Hijo de tu puta madre.

Yo no soy, cabrón!

I am not the guy you are looking for.

You are looking for a-la-la-la-la-la-la!

But I am...

♪ La-la-la, la-la, la bamba ♪

You see the difference?

I feel sorry for people in Japan.

Yeah.

Joplin gets hit by one tornado,

one tornado--freaking out.

They got hit by three disasters in a row--

a trifecta of terror.

You know people in Japan are looking up to the heavens,

talking to God, going...

[Japanese accent] "Okay, we have to have

a very serious conversation."

"Something happened down here.

"I don'’t know if you know or not.

"The universe is a huge place.

Maybe you on other side. I don'’t know this."

"But I want to tell you other perspectives

"so you understand, okay?

"Okay. First we get hit by a giant earthquake.

"As horrible as this was...

"this is Japan.

"We are an island

"that happens to be situated on a fault line.

"We understand this, okay?

"We expect this to happen. We know where we live.

"We have no problem, okay?

"Then we get hit by a tsunami.

"Again, we are an island surrounded by water

"on a fault line.

"This is expected.

"We understand this. We accept this.

"We have no problem with those two.

"Okay.

"Then we get hit by a nuclear disaster.

What the fuck?"

"Holy shit.

We make one bad Toyota..."

"And you do this?"

My son.

Yeah, my 4 1/2-year-old son, Luke.

He gets it. You know how I know?

I'’m watching TV with him the other day.

He loves watching TV with me. We'’re watching MSNBC.

There'’s a 400-pound guy on there talking about obesity.

They throw it to him.

"You say that obesity is not the problem?

I don'’t understand, so explain it to us."

"Well, I don'’t believe that it is.

"I believe it'’s a symptom of the problem.

"And in my opinion, the problem

"is a lack of restriction in regulations

"upon a fast-food industry.

"They open up their markets anywhere.

"They saturate cities.

"Their food is disgusting and bad for you calorically.

"Most of it is deep-fried. It'’s inexpensive.

"And on top of it, it is convenient.

"You don'’t even have to get out of your car

"to feed yourself.

"Do you realize that when I go to work,

"I have to drive by ten fast-food restaurants?

"That'’s 20 a day, that'’s 100 a week,

"not including the miscellaneous ones

"on the weeknights or weekdays when I have to run errands.

"So we'’re talking about, on a weekly basis,

"I drive by at least 175

"to 225 or more fast-food restaurants.

"Multiply that by 52 weeks a year,

"and then you kind of gauge the enormity of this problem.

"And of course people like me sometimes pull over

"and have a meal at a fast-food restaurant

"out of convenience and time constraints.

What else are we supposed to do when they'’re everywhere?"

And Luke yelled out, "Keep fuckin'’ driving!"

Yeah, buy a Toyota, bitch. It won'’t stop.

[imitates car zooming]

We need to realize that we are the country

that makes movies about pirates,

while other countries have real pirates.

And that'’s the news again, making it bigger than it is.

"Pirates off the coast of Africa."

You mean skinny, starving Somalians?

"They'’re pirates."

They'’re not pirates.

First of all, in order to be a pirate,

you have to have a pirate ship, okay?

A ship.

Not a 12-foot pontoon dinghy with air sides.

And a 25-outboard-horsepower Evinrude.

No.

If having a 12-footer makes you a pirate,

there'’s at least 10 rednecks and 30 mojadosin here going...

[Southern accent] "Well, I'’m a pirate, too. Shit.

"I didn'’t know I was a pirate.

Arr! Arr!"

[Mexican accent] "I am a pirate!

[rolling tongue] Ere! Ere!"

[normal voice] Come on, people, that'’s "R" in Spanish.

Seriously. Let'’s get the jokes.

How can you call yourself a pirate when...

[chuckles]

when you'’re in the middle of the ocean going,

ba, ba, ba, ba.

Ba, ba, ba, ba, ba.

"Dis tree-foot waves is slowing da ship down."

Ba, ba, ba, ba.

Catching air. Ba...

Ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba...

[laughs]

How can you call yourself a pirate

when you have to put air in your ship?

These guys are trying to talk smack.

"Look at dat ship over der.

"We are going to take it over, for we are pirates.

"We are here to take. We are not here to ask.

"We are going to take hostages,

but we can only fit one in da pirate ship."

"But before we set sail,

"we must prepare de pirate ship.

Let'’s do dis."

[exhaling deeply]

"We are pirates."

[laughter and applause]

Look at-- some of you are like,

"They don'’t have air compressors?"

No, they don'’t have air compressors!

They don'’t have rice. You think they have air compressors?

And you got to ask yourself this question

with regard to that joke--

Is that joke over $20 million of funny?

Because that'’s how much it cost America

for me to tell that joke, because, of course,

what did they do on the news that I told you?

Exacerbated a situation.

"Pirates off the coast of Africa

"commandeered an American vessel.

"They took a hostage which happens to be the captain,

"who is an American citizen.

How will America react?"

$20 million worth, baby. Yeah.

We sent two fully armed naval battleship frigate destroyers

with laser-guided missiles, Sidewinder missiles,

heat-seeking missiles, Tomahawk missiles,

50-millimeter canons, over 7,000 troops,

10,000 M4s, over 18,000 grenades,

over 36 snipers,

and over 18 of those huge canons.

All of that armada and artillery

to deal with six skinny, starving,

licorice-lollipop-lookin'’, emaciated Africans on a...

ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba.

President Mencia would'’ve saved us all that money!

I would'’ve sent one American

that can throw a dart really far.

That would'’ve been the end of that.

Ba, ba, ba-- [imitates pop, air hissing]

"It is a direct hit! It is a direct hit!"

"Dey sank our battleship. Dey sank our battleship."

"Unbuntu, did you bring da duct tape?"

"We must patch de ship.

"We cannot sink. We are black. We cannot swim.

Please, Unbuntu, please!"

It'’s okay to laugh. Let it out, let it out, let it out.

This is the problem with America.

We want to laugh, but we don'’t, and we hold it in,

and that'’s why we have more serial killers

than anybody else.

Let it out.

First of all, that joke is real.

No, it is in America. You didn'’t know this?

In the United States of America,

this statement is actually accurate statistically--

"Black people can'’t swim."

Yeah. Seriously. You know why?

Because over half of black people,

which is the majority, cannot swim.

Black people are actually three and a half more times

likely to drown than any other race.

That is a fact.

What I find astounding

is right now that I said that fact,

look at all the white Americans going, "What?"

"Black people can'’t swim?"

"Is it genetic, Carlos? What is it?"

Oh, come on, cracker, you know why they can'’t swim.

Look at you-- "I don'’t know why."

I don'’t know. Maybe it'’s because back in the day

when they wanted to get in the pool, you didn'’t let '’em.

Maybe that'’s why they can'’t swim.

Ohh!

Yeah.

Remember that sign, white people?

"No diving, no running, no niggers."

Remember that sign?

We didn'’t let '’em in the pool.

[Southern accent] "Hey, hey, hey!

"Get the hell out of my pool, boy.

Gonna turn it into grape Kool-Aid!"

[normal voice] We pulled out a gun and chased them away.

Now, ironically, black people run really fast,

but they can'’t swim worth a damn.

But you see how some of you are still hesitant?

Some of you are like, "I think that joke'’s gonna be very funny

on the way home."

And here'’s the weird part.

People think that I'’ll just say anything.

That'’s not true. I censor myself all the time.

Like, the first time I saw Barack Obama,

I had a thought, and I immediately went,

"I can'’t say that, man.

"People are gonna misconstrue what I'’m saying,

"take it the wrong way, and use it in a way

"that I do not want anybody to use my words.

I am not gonna do it."

But you know what I did?

I went into a Catholic church in East L.A.

called Our Lady of Soledad

on the corner of Ford and Cesar Chavez.

I walked in, I lit a candle to La Virgen Maria de Guadalupe,

and I said, "Virgen, I make people laugh for a living.

"I deserve one thing in my life,

"and this is what I want.

"I want the black guy to become President.

"I don'’t care about his politics.

"Him winning, whether he sucks or not,

"is good for the country because it breaks a barrier.

"But I'’m not gonna lie to you.

"More importantly,

"there'’s a joke that I really want to tell,

and I can'’t tell it unless he becomes President."

And she made my wish come true,

and now I can say that Barack Obama

looks like Curious fuckin'’ George.

I said it.

And it'’s not because he'’s black.

It'’s because he'’s kind of yellow,

he has the hairline and the ears.

The ears make the outfit.

All right, some of you people aren'’t laughing.

Close your eyes. Close your eyes!

What would you do if Barack Obama

walked onto this stage,

followed by Vice President Joseph Biden,

who is wearing a yellow trench coat?

You would laugh your ass off.

You would be sitting there going, "Oh, my God.

"If during the speech the President actually says

'’I'’m just curious'’..."

I love, love, love doing racial jokes.

Love it. And it'’s not because

I like messing with other people.

It'’s because I see the unity in racial jokes

that a lot of people don'’t see.

'’Cause this woman approached me, and she'’s like,

"It'’s disgusting and abhorrent that you tell those jokes,

and I don'’t even understand why people laugh."

And I said, "Well, because we view them differently

than you do."

And she said, "You'’re just making fun of people."

I said, "No. You see, when I tell a racial joke

"about anything and people laugh,

"it'’s an affirmation that they know

who I'’m talking about."

And they know who I'’m talking about

because they know what I'’m talking about,

because we live amongst each other to the point

where our idiosyncratic behavior

is known to all of us,

because the tapestry of America isn'’t black, isn'’t white,

isn'’t Hispanic.

It is every possible living type of human being.

You do realize that we'’re the only country

that can do jokes about anybody else,

and we understand what that means.

You do get that?

You do understand, all right...

that if I went to Sweden

and did a joke about how Mexicans cut grass,

over there they'’d be like, "A flirty thirty never hurty."

They wouldn'’t know what I'’m talking about, okay?

If I went to Japan and told them

Black people had bigger penises, they'’d be like,

"Seriously?"

"Is this true?"

"Over one Toyota?"

This is ridiculous."

I guarantee you that if I did a joke about a terrorist,

but instead of doing this voice--

[Arabic accent] "What are you talking about?"

I did this voice--

[Indian accent] "I am a terrorist,

and I'’m here to blow you up."

[normal voice] See, you laugh

because you know that'’s not the same guy.

If I did a joke about a Puerto Rican

with a Mexican accent, you'’d be like,

"No, no, no.

You have to talk like this, not like dis."

Because we are way different than any other country.

And you know where I found this out?

In Iraq, ironically.

I'’m performing in Baghdad in front of 10,000 troops.

I do a joke, and I come over here

to give this guy a high five who'’s black,

and then when he raised his arm

I saw that his last name was "Black,"

and it made me laugh for just a second.

Right? '’Cause I was like, "What up?

Ha ha ha ha ha. Black Black."

And I tried to move on, but I couldn'’t,

because my other eye

peripherally caught the guy next to him,

who was a white guy, and his last name was Svenson,

which is a Scandinavian name.

And the juxtaposition of the black guy and the white guy

with those two names made me go, "Wait a minute.

Who am I performing for? Who are these Americans?"

And I started reading the last names,

and I saw Black, and I saw Svenson,

and I saw Doyle, and I saw McKelly,

and I saw Shropshire.

I saw Rinaldo. I saw Bellini. I saw Popodopolis.

I saw Chakoff. I saw Westhoffer.

I saw Wakinsky. I saw Bing.

I saw Lee. I saw Chang. I saw Yamato.

I saw Mutombo. I saw Ahmed.

I saw Hernandez.

And I looked up at these Americans

of every race, color, religion imaginable,

and it hit me at that very moment.

Do you people realize that America

is the only country in the world

that, when we go to war, our troops literally have

to wear uniforms, because no matter who we'’re fighting,

we have people on our team that look like them.

That is awesome! That is awesome!

Are you kidding me?

There will be no shirts and skins in this game.

If we went to war against Mexico,

we would have to tell all our beaner troops,

"Hey, do not ever take off your shirt.

And the pointy boots are confusing everybody."

But you want me to tell you what'’s even better?

What makes us great

is when we come together as a race.

No matter what, we'’re good at it when we come together.

That'’s when we'’re the best.

That'’s why we always kick ass in the Summer Olympics,

because it'’s not whites, it'’s not blacks.

It'’s all of us together. And don'’t forget--

don'’t forget that we are way better

when we come together.

I'’ll give you an example.

The United States Air Force,

best air force in the history of warfare--

accuracy, dogfighting, everything--the best.

Interestingly enough,

only one squadron of airmen in the history of air warfare

have the distinction of being perfect

at their jobs,

and those happen to be the black--all black--

Tuskegee Airmen out of Alabama, who, during World War II,

never lost a plane that they escorted into battle...

never, okay?

That'’s what made us awesome.

Yeah. And we weren'’t even gonna let you fly

'’cause you'’re black.

But one of the black guys stole a plane

and started flying without his hands,

and we were like, "Get some more planes."

Even the Germans were like, "Undhe shoot me,

"but he was raising ze roof.

I don'’t understand zis."

Because America'’s not white.

America'’s never been white.

America'’s always been "how can we kick ass?"

And you know when we started kicking ass,

like in the Olympics?

When we let an Indian, Jim Thorpe, get in

and said, "Hey, go win some medals for us."

Matter of fact, think of the irony of this.

During World War II, there was a man named Adolf Hitler

who professed that the white Aryan race

was superior to all others,

at a time when we in America believed

America'’s white and racist.

But that white racist America--

who did we send to go show the world

that we'’re better at athletics?

A black guy named Jesse Owens.

And we told him, "Run like you stole some shit."

Now, ironically,

as good as we'’ve been in the Summer Olympics,

we'’ve never been great at the white--

I mean, uh, Winter Olympics...

until this last Olympiad.

Did you know that this last Winter Olympiad,

United States of America, if I'’m not mistaken,

for the first time in the history

of the Winter Olympics,

got more medals than any other country?

But it is not because white people got better.

It is because we allowed nonwhites in

who got a lot of medals for us.

Without Apolo Ohno'’s Asian ass,

we ain'’t going over the top.

Without that Cuban chick who'’s an ice skater,

we ain'’t going over the top.

Without that black speed skater guy,

we ain'’t going over the top.

And that'’s what I love about America.

And we could talk a lot of smack and laugh

and whatever, but when we need each other,

we looked at a black guy and said, "Hey, man,

"we need your athleticism in the Winter Olympics.

Here'’s some ice skates. Go practice."

He was like, "What the hell?"

"Relax. The water'’s frozen."

[chuckles]

"What?"

Do you see how fun it is to laugh at that stuff?

And here'’s the weird part.

Like, people look at me, and they'’re like,

"Man, you go too far with this stuff."

I just want you to understand

that I really do try to censor myself,

that for every joke I do

where you people think I went too far,

I swear to God on my son Luke

there are at least three more jokes in my head

that I would never tell you.

The problem with me is I grew up in East L.A.

And what people don'’t understand

is when you grow up in the projects,

simple things are life and death.

If somebody comes up to you and says,

"Hey, man, where you from?" you answer that question.

Not where I grew up,

'’cause if you answer the wrong question,

you might be in Arizona territory

or White Fence territory or the Rock territory.

You don'’t know who that is, so you got to swell up.

You got to be ghetto. You got to be badass.

So, when somebody came up to me and said, "Where you from?"

"Where you from, puto? Fuck you. You got a problem?

"Let'’s do it, cabrón. Afuera.

"But don'’t be talking shit unless you'’re ready

to fuckin'’ throw down, bitch."

And by the way,

do you see how all the ghetto people are like, "Yeah"?

And that'’s my problem.

I live in Encino. I don'’t need that crap anymore.

The problem is, I still have it in me,

and I hate that guy.

"Ghetto Carlos" gets me in trouble all the time.

I don'’t like him.

And I'’m trying to get rid of him, but I can'’t.

And the other day he almost got me killed.

I'’ll tell you what happened. I did a show just like this.

And I leave the club.

At the end of the night,

this black guy comes up to me

as I'’m walking out the back.

"Yo, man, you and me need to talk

"about what you said about Barack Obama,

know what I'’m sayin'’?"

And I was like, "No.

"But I'’m hoping that you'’ll clarify

during further conversation."

And he'’s like, "Yo, man.

"Why don'’t you say something positive about Barack Obama?

"All you talk about is that he look like--

"You know, what he look like, and that'’s funny and all,

but, you know, you need to say something else."

And I was like, "First of all, bro,

"I'’m just a comedian.

"Don'’t take me so seriously.

That'’s what I do. I tell jokes."

And he'’s like, "Oh, you just gonna, like,

"sweep it under the rug, right?

"I'’m trying to help you, dog.

How you know a brother like me ain'’t got a gun?"

And that'’s when I got a little ghetto

and went, "Bitch, how you know a brother like me ain'’t got a gun?

Where do you think I grew up? I grew up in East L.A."

Then I realized what I said, and I'’m like,

"By the way, I don'’t have a gun. I'’m just saying...

how do you know I don'’t have a gun?"

So I realized what I said, right?

And I look at him,

and I thought I said something pretty cool.

I look at him and went, "Listen, bro, in all seriousness,

"I am a comedian doing a comedy show

"on a comedy stage at a comedy club.

"I am not to be taken seriously.

"I am a glorified clown, an evolved court jester.

"Everything that I do is intended to make people laugh,

"and that'’s it.

"That is the standard.

"Now, I'’ll have you understand

"that I know you want to judge me

"based on the way other people see me,

"but you can'’t do that, because that'’s not my responsibility.

That'’s how they see it."

And he'’s like, "What you mean?"

I said, "I'’ll give you a great example.

The word "dee-dee-dee" just means "duh" to the third power,

all right?

It is.

The word "dee-dee-dee" is when you leave here,

you'’re gonna see a couple

that you'’ve never met in your whole life,

and your head is immediately gonna go,

"Oh, my God, I hope those two people don'’t have kids."

That'’s what it is,

'’cause you know that he'’s "duh," she'’s "duh,"

and the kid'’s gonna be "duh-duh-duh."

That'’s all that it is, okay?

Now, that being said,

you guys know that dee-dee-dee now,

to some people, means mentally retarded.

It has nothing to do with that, but I can'’t control it anymore.

That'’s what I mean about--

You cannot chastise me for the fact

that people misinterpret what I do or say.

As an example, again, one of you, or a few of you,

are gonna mess up my jokes, not say them exactly as I said them,

and you'’re gonna lose me some fans tomorrow.

That'’s what you'’re gonna do,

'’cause somebody is gonna come up to you and go,

"How was the show?"

"Oh, my God. My cheeks hurt. It was so funny."

"What was the funniest joke?"

"He did this great joke about how Barack Obama

looks like a nigger monkey."

Whoa! Hey! Hey!

[laughter]

I said he looks like a cartoon character.

"Same thing."

No!

Right? See how you laughed?

He did not laugh at all.

He just looked at me and said something

that didn'’t-- that just did not jive with me.

He goes, "Oh, so it'’s gonna be like that, right?

"You know what? I'’m coming back tomorrow, bitch.

"And I'’m gonna sit in the front row.

"And I swear to God, if you don'’t do something positive

"about Barack Obama, our first black president,

"you and me ain'’t gonna talk.

Do you understand what I'’m saying now?"

And that'’s when I got ghetto and went, "What, bitch?

"You'’re gonna challenge me? You don'’t know me.

"Give me your name.

"I'’m gonna buy you a ticket to sit in the front row,

"and you'’re gonna see me tell the truth about Barack Obama,

our first black president."

And he goes, "What'’s the truth? Tell me now."

And that'’s when I said something I never should'’ve said,

ever.

I don'’t even remember saying it.

I remember hearing it...

because I was standing there going,

"Should I say it? Should I not say it?"

In my head, I'’m like, "I shouldn'’t say it.

Just keep it to yourself."

And then he goes, "Say it, bitch!

Say it, you little bitch!"

And I said, "Fine, the truth--

"that the only black part about Barack Obama

is that that nigga don'’t know his dad."

Oh!

Oh!

Oh, no! No!

"Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Please don'’t shoot me!

"Please don'’t shoot me! Please don'’t shoot me!

Please don'’t shoot me!"

I turned around, he was like, "Oh, nigga, that'’s real!

You should'’ve said that onstage!"

Because that'’s what I do.

I hope you enjoy it, but I'’m always gonna be that way.

Whatever my reality is, I keep it real.

I hope you enjoyed the reality and the humor tonight.

You are the best audience ever!

Thank you!

Good night everybody!

[cheers and applause]

Thank you.

I love you. Love you.

Love you.

Love you so much.

So much!

All right, man, thank you.

Thank you.

[cheers and applause continue]