Original subtitles

[BOLD THEME PLAYING]

NARRATOR: Newsreel of the Stars.

Dateline: Hollywood, 1930.

The Warner Bros. studio.

Here at the studio's new animation department,

the artists toil endlessly to come up with cartoon stars,

ultimately creating three new characters:

the Warner brothers and their sister, Dot.

ALL: Hello, nurse!

Unfortunately, the Warner kids were totally out of control.

ALL: Boingie! Boingie! Boingie! Boingie!

The trio ran amok throughout the studio.

Until their capture.

The Warners' films, which made absolutely no sense,

were locked away in the studio vault,

never to be released.

As for the Warners themselves, they were locked away

in the studio water tower, also never to be released.

Publicly, the studio has disavowed

any knowledge of the Warners' existence to this very day,

when the Warners escaped.

[***]

ALL: * It's time for Animaniacs *

* And we're zany to the max *

* So just sit back and relax *

* You'll laugh Till you collapse *

* We're Animaniacs *

BOTH: * Come join The Warner brothers *

* And the Warner sister, Dot *

ALL: * Just for fun we run around The Warner movie lot *

* They lock us in the tower Whenever we get caught *

* But we break loose And then vamoose *

* And now you know the plot *

* We're Animaniacs *

* Dot is cute and Yakko yaks *

* Wakko packs away the snacks *

* While Bill Clinton Plays the sax *

* We're Animaniacs *

* Meet Pinky and the Brain *

* Who want to rule The universe *

* Goodfeathers flock together *

* Slappy whacks 'em With her purse *

* Buttons chases Mindy *

* While Rita sings a verse *

* The writers flipped We have no script *

* Why bother to rehearse? *

* We're Animaniacs *

* We have pay-or-play Contracts *

* We're zany to the max *

* There's bologna In our slacks *

* We're Animan-y *

* Totally insane-y *

* Here's the show's name-y *

* Animaniacs *

* Those are the facts *

[***]

NARRATOR: In 1620,

an intrepid group of pilgrims in search of freedom

sailed from England and landed on Plymouth Rock.

And here on the coast of New England,

they established the Plymouth Colony.

[***]

After their difficult first year,

they decided to celebrate

their freedom and their first harvest

with a great feast.

But of what food shall we eat?

I'll maketh my okra quiche.

Oh! I'll maketh salmon tacos.

I'll maketh curly Cajun fries.

Oh, I love thy curly Cajun fries. They are to dieth for.

MAN: Noooo!

[***]

We shall eat of the great native bird...

the turkey.

Those gobbley things?

Oh, they art the dickens to catcheth.

Oh, yes. Very elusive.

Tricky creatures.

Tough to nabeth. Very tough.

Yes, very tough.

MAN: I should sayeth so.

[PILGRIMS CHATTERING]

Not for Miles Standish.

NARRATOR: And so the pilgrims' bravest hunter and marksman

went forth to bringeth back the main course: a turkey.

Bye! Bye! Bye-bye!

Bye-bye! Bye! Buh-bye-bye!

Good luck to thee, Brother Standish.

And don't forget the cranberry sauce.

[BRANCH CRACKS]

Shh!

Be vewy, vewy quiet.

I'm hunting wab--

Go away.

[TURKEY GOBBLING]

[GOBBLING "TURKEY IN THE STRAW"]

[GUNSHOT]

Thanks a lot, pal. These are rentals.

You'll be hearing from our lawyer.

Ye be not turkeys. What be ye?

ALL: Tourist.

I be Yakking Yak.

I be Wakko Who Waltzes With Wolves.

[WILD SWING SONG PLAYING]

And I be Princess Pretty Dear,

who moves like a springtime-fresh gazelle,

sweet as honey, and is sweet.

But you can call me Dot.

Or are you the kind of guy who never calls a girl?

You cad! I'm leaving you.

I'm going home to mother!

Nyah!

And I'm keeping the ring!

And this is our pet.

Say hello to Mr. Gobble.

[GOBBLING]

Hello.

And goodbye.

[SCREAMING]

Hey, who do you think you are?

I be Miles Standish from yon pilgrim colony.

Nice hat, Miles.

Hey, listen, it's not too neighborly

to shoot other people's pets, you know.

That bird I doth need for our great feast.

No, please. Not Mr. Gobble.

Take me. Take me. Go on.

But spare the bird. We love him so.

Oh, please. Spare the simple creature.

[SOBBING]

Congratulations.

It pays to overact.

You be strange creatures.

We're not creatures. We're Native Americans.

Thou dost not look like Native Americans.

Confidentially, we're adopted.

Yeah, it's a heck of a story.

Lost in the wilderness.

BOTH: We were raised by a flock of turkeys.

[BOTH GOBBLING]

We'd like to tell you more,

but we're saving it for a movie of the week.

Who do you think should play me? Valerie Bertinelli?

I do not know this name.

How about Nancy McKeon?

Or Jackie Smith could be good for a more mature look.

[SCREAMS]

Move away, for yon bird is dinner.

[GOBBLING]

But he's our pet. We love him!

I care not.

Why? Haven't you ever had a pet?

No. Well...

yes, but...

'twas long ago when l was but a boy.

My dear pet hamster.

[SIGHS]

I called him "Petey Pajamas."

[SIGHS]

Yes, tell me all about Petey.

Oh, I didst love that hamster so.

I tooketh him to bed with me every night, you know.

Goodnight, everybody.

Oh, golly, yes.

And I did knit him teeny-tiny pajamas to wear.

He slept on my nose.

I misseth him so.

[SNIFFLES]

My wittle Petey Pajamas.

[SOBBING]

There, there. It's all right.

Nappy-nap time for our cranky pilgrim friend.

Huh?

YAKKO: Sweet dreams.

And stay away from our pet turkey.

[CRASH]

[GROANING]

This be a rough neighborhood.

[***]

Oh, fowl that be called turk, I shall have thee.

[WHISPERS] Shhh!

[GOBBLES]

[GOBBLES]

I doth hear it, but doth not see it.

[GOBBLES]

[GOBBLES]

I am baffled most verily.

[GASPS] [GOBBLES]

There ye be.

[GOBBLES]

[GROWLS]

[GOBBLING "TURKEY IN THE STRAW"]

[GASPS]

[PANTING]

ALL: Us again!

ALL: Mmm-mwah!

Be gone, pests, and give me the bird.

We'd love to, really, but the Fox censors won't allow it.

Say thy prayers, beast.

[GOBBLING]

[IRISH ACCENT] Hut-hut-hut, wait, my son. Is this the answer?

Using a gun on a helpless creature?

Well, I--

You might poke someone's eye out

with that thing.

And you'd break your mother's heart.

Not to mention Petey Pajamas'.

[SIGHS]

Yak no more!

And give me back mine musket.

[CHOMP]

[MUNCHING]

[GULP]

[GULP]

Mine musket.

Why, you little...

[GUNSHOT]

[BUGLE PLAYS "CHARGE"]

Ahh!

Who wants maple syrup?

BOTH: I do! I do!

It's made out of sap, you know.

[ROARS]

[GOBBLING]

[SPITTING]

[GOBBLING "TURKEY IN THE STRAW"]

I doth have no musket,

but I shall still naileth yon bird.

Nice shot.

Thank ye.

But it'll never make it.

Pray tell, why not?

'Cause of the piano.

Piano?

[CRASH]

[BOTH PLAYING "CHOPSTICKS"]

Argh!

[GOBBLING]

Oof!

[BLOWS SMACKING]

Whoa, dumber than advertised.

What be the meaning of this? I-- I-- I...

Ooh, hey, there's a surprise inside.

Why, ye-- I-- I...

Looky, Mr. Gobble. Supper.

[SLURPS]

[GOBBLES]

Yipes!

Whoa, get thee away!

Desist! Forsooth! Gadzooks!

I can't watch.

[GOBBLING]

Keep it away. It be a killer!

[MOANING]

BOTH: Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk.

[WHIMPERING]

[GOBBLES]

I am finished with thee! All of thee!

Now, hither, go!

Leaveth me be!

You'll be lonely if we go away.

No, I won't.

ALL: Yes, you will.

No, I won't.

ALL: Yes, you will.

No, I won't!

ALL: Yes, you will.

I wilt not be lonely!

Now, go!

[ECHOES] Hello?

Hello?

Hello?

Ist anyone there?

They kiddeth not.

I am...lonely.

I be lonely.

[SOBBING]

ALL: Told you so.

Did you miss us?

ALL: Mmm-mwah!

[GOBBLES]

[GROANING]

[***]

We doth welcome our native neighbors

to our great feast.

Now, what be this thou hast brought?

Why, a great turkey, of course.

[GOBBLING]

Then with this feast,

we shall give thanks and call it...

um...

St. Patty's Day? Halloween?

Arbor Day?

Shrove Tuesday?

Cinco de Mayo?

WARNERS: How about "Thanksgiving"?

This be a great name.

[LAUGHS]

Thank ye.

Always glad to be of service.

[BOTH GOBBLE]

[***]

[***]

[COOING]

[CHIRPING]

Mama.

Mama?

Mama!

[PLANE SOARING]

Mommy?

Vroom.

Vroom.

Vroom.

Vroom.

Vroom!

Whoa!

Mommy!

Mommy!

Wait for me.

[PANTING]

Mama? Mama?

Huh?

Wow!

[IMITATES GUNFIRE]

Oof!

ANNOUNCER [OVER SPEAKERS]: Top Flyers.

Coming soon to a theater near you.

Mommy! Wait for me.

Mommy. Mommy.

Oh, Mommy.

Mommy.

[SIGHS]

[GASPS]

Mommy, wait up.

Look. Eggies.

Eggy, eggy, eggies.

Hello, little brother.

Hello, little sister.

Uh-oh.

Oh, no, Mama. No!

Eggy gonna break. Eggy gonna break!

Gotta save eggy. Gotta save eggy.

[GASPS]

[EXPLOSION]

Uh-oh.

Eggy broke.

[PANTING]

Mama?

[GASPS]

[CHIRPS]

Mama.

[SIGHS]

BOTH: Mama. Mama. Mama.

[PLANE SOARING]

BOTH: Mama! Mama! Mama!

Vroom! Vroom! Vroom!

No. Not Mama.

No.

Not Mama.

Vroom! Vroom! Vroom!

Kids.

Mama.

[ALL SIGH]

[***]

It's that time again.

To make fun of people in Range Rovers?

To discuss how cute I am?

No. It's time to learn the day's lesson.

And to find out what it is,

we turn to the Wheel of Morality.

Wheel of Morality, turn, turn, turn.

Tell us the lesson that we should learn.

Moral number two.

And the moral of today's story is:

Don't eat with your mouth full.

That is so deep.

I'm still completely confused.

[WHISTLE BLOWING]

ALL: Yike!

[***]

[***]

Set three extra places.

ALL: We're comin' over for dinner.