Original subtitles

[***]

ALL: * It's time for Animaniacs *

* And we're zany to the max *

* So just sit back and relax *

* You'll laugh Till you collapse *

* We're Animaniacs *

BOTH: * Come join The Warner brothers *

* And the Warner sister, Dot *

ALL: * Just for fun we run around The Warner movie lot *

* They lock us in the tower Whenever we get caught *

* But we break loose And then vamoose *

* And now you know the plot *

* We're Animaniacs *

* Dot is cute and Yakko yaks *

* Wakko packs away the snacks *

* While Bill Clinton Plays the sax *

* We're Animaniacs *

* Meet Pinky and the Brain *

* Who want to rule The universe *

* Goodfeathers flock together *

* Slappy whacks 'em With her purse *

* Buttons chases Mindy *

* While Rita sings a verse *

* The writers flipped We have no script *

* Why bother to rehearse? *

* We're Animaniacs *

* We have pay-or-play Contracts *

* We're zany to the max *

* There's bologna In our slacks *

* We're Animan-y *

* Totally insane-y *

* Come back, Shane-y *

* Animaniacs *

* Those are the facts *

[***]

* Who can turn the stove on With her smile? *

* Who can take a bubble bath *

* And suddenly fill it With crocodiles? *

* 'Cause it's you, Dot And you should know it *

* Put nitro on a bridge Go ahead and blow it *

* Mud is all around I guess it's spring *

* Name another crooner Other than Bing *

* Don't throw your hat Up in the air *

* 'Cause what might land Is a Frigidaire *

* Dot *

The building behind me is Windsor Castle,

one of the royal family's most magnificent dwellings.

Sadly, a fire in 1992 destroyed much of the castle's interior.

Queen Elizabeth herself is personally supervising

the restoration of the grand banquet room,

the showpiece of this remarkable structure.

For the next three hours, we'll examine this restoration.

We'll find out how it was done. We'll explore--

We want to see a cartoon!

We wanted cartoons!

All right, fine.

We'll just see a silly little cartoon

about the whole thing.

CHILDREN: Yay!

Wretched, snotty, little children.

ANNOUNCER: And now, the cartoon.

[***]

Put some elbow into it!

We must have this room finished in time for the banquet tonight.

Chop, chop!

[***]

[BOTH BLOW RASPBERRIES]

Really, Mummy, why do we have to redecorate the banquet room?

Because we used up the budget on the rest of the castle.

Now, back to work!

[SOBBING] I'll never be queen!

[TEARFULLY] My paintbrush doesn't work!

Twit.

I don't wanna do this poop anymore.

I want some tea.

[ALL COMPLAINING INDISTINCTLY]

Silence!

All day long, whine, whine, whine!

What kind of family have we raised?

QUEEN MUM: Just look at you.

Well, if you don't want to help, then leave.

ROYAL FAMILY: Hooray!

Hmph!

We'll just do it ourselves.

We'll never have it finished for tonight's banquet.

YAKKO: Hey, move over.

WAKKO: You move over.

[IN UNISON] Hello, queen!

[IN UNISON] Mwah!

Ew.

You know, you really oughta clean that purse.

[COUGHING]

Who are you?

BOTH: We're the Warner brothers!

And we proudly present...

[HORNS PLAY LOUDLY]

Her Decorating Highness,

Princess Angelina Contessa Louisa Francesca

Banana Fanna Bo Besca III.

[***]

Ta-da!

Decorator Dot, at your service.

You, a decorator? What are your credentials?

Well, I'm cheap.

[CASH REGISTER RINGS]

You're hired!

She might even let us fix London Bridge.

Why's that?

Keeps falling down.

Now, we would like you to begin work immediately.

Who'd like us to begin?

We would. Us. Ourselves.

How many people you got in there?

[ECHOING] Hello? Hello?

Get away from us!

She needs therapy.

All right, Sybil, who am I speaking to now?

We insist that you stop this.

You people are crazy.

Look who's talkin'.

[ALL BABBLING]

We are not amused.

Well, we certainly are.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Stop this foolishness!

All right, but if you freak out again,

we're using the elephant tranquilizer.

Listen, lady, we've got a lot of work to do,

so why don't you just go do your little queen things?

Well!

[PASSES GAS LOUDLY]

Oh, my.

You found it! Thanks.

[GROWLS]

That's gotta go.

And that.

And that.

[QUEEN MUM SCREAMING]

Mummy, look at me!

I'm Papageno in The Magic Flute.

[GRUNTING]

Knock, knock. WAKKO:Who's there?

The queen. The queen, who?

The queen of England!

That's not a very funny knock-knock joke.

[QUEEN SCREAMS]

What have you done?

A dinette set?

The royal banquet room has a dinette set?

You like?

No!

Well, what does Sybil think?

I want some tea.

Oh, not now, Mummy.

That's not a mummy.

Now, that's a mummy.

[MUTTERING INDISTINCTLY]

You people have ruined everything.

The royal banquet's tonight and look at this room.

It's all wrong!

Well, how should it look?

Like that.

That's how it was before the fire.

We can do that.

Yeah, no prob.

It's just gonna cost a little more.

More? More money?

But there's no more in the budget.

It's all gone! Gone!

[SOBS]

All right, sibs, let's get to work.

But how's she gonna pay for it?

I have an idea.

That's right, Yakko had a brilliant idea.

An idea that would pay for the cost

of the redecorating.

[CHATTERING]

It's gorgeous.

You'd never know there'd been a fire.

You're a smarty every day.

Let's see.

That's fruit cup, mashed potatoes--

Move your hand!

Two pats of butter. That's extra.

Oh, goody, goody.

[CASH REGISTER DINGING]

We should open up a whole chain.

[***]

And that's just what the queen did.

She opened up a whole chain of cafeterias.

How did she do it?

What was the process?

For the next three hours--

[BRITISH ACCENT] We declare this cartoon officially over.

Be free.

[CHILDREN CHEER]

I still want my tea!

The building behind me is Windsor Castle,

one of the royal family's most magnificent dwellings.

* The crankiest of creatures In the whole wide world *

* Our next cartoon Features Slappy the squirrel *

Enough with the singin' already.

*That's Slappy *

[***]

BAILIFF: Court is in session.

Honorable Judge Lupine presiding.

Let's get this thing rolling.

State v. Slappy Squirrel.

Charge is assault with intent to squash.

How does the defendant plead?

This is an outrage!

I can't believe they're givin' this Urkel kid

a Golden Wombat Award.

He's never even done a spit take.

Uh, not guilty as charged, there.

Is prosecution ready?

Ready to see justice done, Your Honor.

[GRUNTING]

[CHUCKLES]

Aunt Slappy,

I don't think you can get a fair trial here.

Whatever gave you that idea?

[***]

Listen, don't worry about the whole

jurisprudence, change of venue,

e pluribus unum thing here.

I got a dynamite case.

Very well, prosecution may proceed.

And hurry up. I've got a clog-dancing lesson at 2.

I call Walter Wolf to the stand.

You've had a horrible experience, haven't you?

Oh, yes.

I just want this to be over

so I can go back to helping people in need.

ALL: Aww.

Oh, please, Walter.

If you acted that good in your cartoons,

you'd be swimmin' in Oscars.

Walter, in your own words,

describe the events of June 4th.

Well, what really happened was this:

I was taking my morning constitutional

through the forest,

trying, in my small way, to make the woods

a better place to live.

Good morning, brother birdie.

[CHIRPING]

[KISSES] [SIGHS]

[BOY CRYING]

WALTER: Then, to my surprise,

I heard young Skippy Squirrel crying.

Why, Skippy, my young friend, whatever happened to you?

Aunt Slappy yelled at me for no reason.

Oh, now, you mustn't be too harsh

on your old aunt.

Her brain hasn't gotten any oxygen

since the early '70s.

It's not her fault.

I've brought her a wagon full of yummy cakes.

I'll bet they make everything better.

WALTER: I waved a cheerful goodbye to Skippy.

Then I merrily pranced to Slappy's house.

[***]

[DOORBELL RINGS]

[SCOFFS] Walter Wolf, you miserable do-gooder.

Good morning, Slappy.

I've brought you yummy cakes

that will snap you out of your foul mood.

Look at your feet.

What's the meaning of this,

my old friend and associate?

I'm gonna get ya, Walter. You know why?

For no good reason at all.

Hoo! Let me go. I've done nothing.

[***]

WALTER: And so, to my dismay,

what had begun as a day of good works

was fast becoming a carnival of terror.

[ALL SOBBING]

[SOBBING]

I only wanted to help.

Was that such a crime?

[TEARFULLY] Of course not, Walter.

[QUIETLY] By the way, golf this Sunday?

[QUIETLY] Sure, Ed. Let's tee off at 9. My best to the missus.

No further questions.

Your witness.

Walter, do you know that you're under oath?

Yes. Do you know

that perjury is against the law?

[GULPS] Yes.

Do you know if pita bread and hot root beer

will give ya gas?

Uh, I don't know.

No further questions.

Aunt Slappy, why'd you ask that question?

I was just curious.

State your name.

Skippy Squirrel.

Occupation?

Uh, I'm a squirrel.

Ooh, riveting questioning, don't ya think?

Now, then,

describe for the court what you claim to have seen

on the morning of June 4th.

Okay, what really happened was this:

I was on my way to visit aunt Slappy

when Walter Wolf drove by in a huge catapult.

[VEHICLE APPROACHING]

[***]

He looked so scary that my fur hurt.

And so I hid.

And then he said:

Only Slappy Squirrel

stands between me and total control

of the woodland.

Once she's gone,

I'll bend this forest to my fiendish will.

[LAUGHS MANIACALLY]

Who says you have to be a coyote to set traps?

I'm gonna whop Slappy so hard,

her IQ will go up 20 points.

Bees. I'll toss bees into her home.

Nobody likes that.

[***]

My final act of vengeance on Slappy Squirrel.

Ooh, wrongdoing is good.

SKIPPY: Walter was gonna throw bees

at Aunt Slappy. I couldn't believe it.

Aunt Slappy is the most nicest squirrel

in the whole wide world.

I had to warn her.

It's a trap, Aunt Slappy!

Get lost, ya overgrown rat.

SKIPPY: And Walter booted me, and I rolled a lot.

And then there was all these explosions,

and I didn't see what happened.

But later, Aunt Slappy came and got me, and we ate a pear.

That's the truth.

[JURY SNORING]

[WHISPERS] Did you tell him it had jelly in it?

[YAWNS] Yeah, yeah. Sure, sure.

Oh, sorry, are you done?

Your witness.

Hi, Skippy. Hi, Aunt Slappy.

Answer this question to the best of your knowledge:

Do you know if Mr. Magoo is in jail in Mexico?

Yes.

Oh, that's too bad.

I always wondered what happened to him.

No further questions here.

Aunt Slappy, ya gotta ask better questions.

They're gonna railroad you.

All aboard!

[TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWING]

Relax. I'm just warmin' up here.

I now call to the stand

Slappy Squirrel.

[***]

JUDGE: Slappy Squirrel, take the stand.

Ms. Squirrel, tell the court what you claim happened

on the morning of June 4th.

Just the high points.

I have to pick up my kid from Gymboree.

This is what really happened:

I was sweepin' out some old junk from my house

when I heard my nephew.

SKIPPY: It's a trap, Aunt Slappy!

SLAPPY: When you get to be my age,

you've seen every trap in the book.

And sure enough, there was Walter

usin' rope-snare trap number 435.

This is too embarrassin' to watch.

[***]

[BUZZING]

[CHUCKLES]

[***]

Looks like fourth down and long here.

Yow! Ooch! Ow!

Oh, I don't like bees.

Ouch! Ooh!

But who does? Are you kiddin'?

Hoo. Hyah! Hoo. Oh.

Hoo-ah! Hey, Walter,

you look good in a beehive. Ooh! Ah!

[LAUGHS]

Ah, somebody stop me.

SLAPPY: Like the old sayin' goes:

"Give someone enough rope...

and they'll tie it to a catapult."

Eh, somethin' like that.

What do you want from me? I'm old.

For Walter,

it wasn't a bad trap,

but it needed a pinch of something extra

to make it special.

Call me old-fashioned,

but I've always been a believer in the big bang theory.

So I added enough explosives to blow up Greenland.

As a professional, I take my work seriously.

[***]

As you can see,

the way Walter and Skippy told, it was way off.

I didn't just squash him.

I blasted him into little pieces of lint

like you find at the bottom of your purse.

Prosecution rests.

All finished here.

Very well, Slappy.

The jury's decision will be final.

Has the jury reached a verdict?

Uh, we have, Your Honor.

Uh, we, the jury, find the defendant,

uh, Slappy Squirrel, uh,

not guilty.

What? [IN UNISON] No!

[TEETH CHATTERING]

Good choice.

Hoo. You said I couldn't lose!

You said everything was taken care of!

If you weren't my grandson,

I'd really clobber you, you meshuggener.

Ow. Cut it out, Grandpa.

I'm an attorney. I'm bonded.

Wow, Aunt Slappy, that was really neat.

But how did you win?

I told ya, Skippy,

I had a dynamite case.

[EXPLOSION]

Ha!

Now, that's comedy.

[***]

It's that time again.

To chew up airtime?

To waste our lives?

No, it's time to learn the day's lesson.

And to find out what it is,

we turn to the Wheel of Morality.

Wheel of Morality, turn, turn, turn.

YAKKO: Tell us the lesson that weshould learn.

Moral number six.

And the moral of today's story is:

"Possums have pouches like kangaroos."

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

ALL: Yipe!

[***]

[***]

Spew.