Original subtitles

NARRATOR: And now Dot's Poetry Corner.

[CLEARS THROAT]

"Ode to Jack"

Jack be nimble Jack be quick

Jack jumped over The candlestick

And burnt his butt

Thank you.

[PEOPLE SNAPPING]

NARRATOR: This has been another visit

to Dot's Poetry Corner.

[***]

ALL: * It's time for Animaniacs *

* And we're zany to the max *

* So just sit back and relax *

* You'll laugh Till you collapse *

* We're Animaniacs *

BOTH: * Come join The Warner brothers *

* And the Warner sister, Dot *

ALL: * Just for fun we run around The Warner movie lot *

* They lock us in the tower Whenever we get caught *

* But we break loose And then vamoose *

* And now you know the plot *

* We're Animaniacs *

* Dot is cute and Yakko yaks *

* Wakko packs away the snacks *

* While Bill Clinton Plays the sax *

* We're Animaniacs *

* Meet Pinky and the Brain *

* Who want to rule The universe *

* Goodfeathers flock together *

* Slappy whacks 'em With her purse *

* Buttons chases Mindy *

* While Rita sings a verse *

* The writers flipped We have no script *

* Why bother to rehearse? *

* We're Animaniacs *

* We have pay-or-play Contracts *

* We're zany to the max *

* There's bologna In our slacks *

* We're Animan-y *

* Totally insane-y *

* The rain in Spain-y

* Animaniacs *

* Those are the facts *

NARRATOR: It's time for another Good Idea, Bad Idea.

Good idea:

cleaning up litter.

Bad idea:

cleaning up kitty litter.

The end.

* Like Abbott and Costello Like Sonny and Cher *

* Like Martin and Lewis They're a perfect pair *

* Like Laurel and Hardy Like Fontanne and Lunt *

* They're perfectly mismatched They're Rita and Runt *

[CRACK]

[***]

[YELPS]

Sacre bleu. Cheesy, mon dieu.

Put a little Blistex on it, La Poot.

Ho-ho-ho. He'd pitch a fit if he saw you in here.

But I don't care.

I like company for dinner. Hoo.

Here's a little sausage for you.

Runt. You ever hear the word "share"?

Oh, sure, Rita.

She's a pretty lady with tattoos.

I won't even bother.

Hey.

Wah! [GROWLING]

Let go, you big mongrel.

Whoa!

Be kind to animals, everybody.

They're reincarnated relatives.

[SCREAMS]

[GRUNTING]

Runt. Gimme that.

[GRUNTING]

RITA: So much for dinner.

Get up, lazy loafer boy.

They are getting away.

Alley cat. Mongrel dog.

I am pitching a fit all over you.

You blew it, Runt.

We had a one-way meal ticket to Feed-me-ville.

And you threw it all away for a lousy game of chew-tug.

Uh-oh.

Definitely "uh-oh."

[GASPS]

[ALL MEOWING]

[BACK CRACKING]

Look. I had puppies.

Puh!

They're not puppies.

W-- what else could I have?

My head hurts.

[KITTENS MEOWING]

[PURRING]

Poor little things.

Abandoned, huh?

Oh. Get used to it.

KITTENS: Mama.

* Milk, milk, milk, milk *

* Milk, please, Mama 'Scuse our 'tude *

* But we're gonna faint If we don't get food *

* Milk, please, Mama Mama, please *

Yup. You're a mama with a family, Rita.

Like Vicki Lawrence. Definitely Vicki.

ALL: Mama, Mama, Mama.

Or Meredith Baxter Birney.

Definitely. Definitely a mom like Meredith Baxter.

I'm nobody's mama.

Back off!

Mama.

You got the wrong cat.

* I'm nobody's mama *

* Got no family *

* I'm a career cat *

* And my career Is all about me *

* No one can tie me down I'm going places *

* Straighten up *

* Don't make those silly Sad faces *

* It's rude *

KITTENS: * Mew? *

* All right, I'll get food *

But that's it.

After that, you're on your own.

* I'm too independent *

* They're so small *

* How could I care for them? *

* Do I care at all? *

* I could never stand "Help me, Mama. Feed me, Mama" *

* "Need me, Mama Don't leave me, Mama" *

* I'd never tolerate that *

* On the other hand *

"Oh, my, Mama I love you, Mama" *

* "I will never Leave you, Mama" *

* No *

* You've got the wrong cat *

* And did I mention *

* They'll want Too much attention? *

* I'll worry about 'em each day Every minute *

* I gotta tell you My head isn't in it *

* I won't let my heart talk *

* 'Cause it's ruled By my biological clock *

* Which is ticking away *

* No way *

* I mean what I say *

* I'm a single cat stray *

* I'm nobody's mama *

That is that. Au revoir, kitty cat.

Ehh!

[GIGGLES]

[SNORING]

[GROWLING]

Oh.

[ALL SNIFFING]

[WHINING]

Eat it, or I'll drop your sweet little tushies

in the pound.

Roseanne.

Definitely a mom like Roseanne.

[KITTENS MEOWING]

Oh, I love calicos.

Little rainbows.

Huh? Rita?

Psst.

What about the puppies, Rita?

Now they're hers. What?

Oh. I see.

Where'd my friends go?

Oh. I get it.

They don't know you,

you don't know them.

I'll take you to a mama cat downtown

with oodles of milk.

Ah, who am I kidding?

It's me.

[MEWING]

Bye, bye-bye.

Bye.

[SADLY] Bye.

[SOBBING]

Bye.

[SNIFF]

It's, uh...

starting to rain.

You gotta admit it, Rita,

those were cute puppies.

I hate to break it to you, Runt,

but they're cats.

RUNT: Cats? Where?

Where are the cats? Why, I'll chase 'em.

I'll nip 'em. I'll munch 'em. I'll tear 'em apart.

[GROWLING]

Dogs.

[GROWLING]

NARRATOR: And now Dot's Poetry Corner.

[CLEARS THROAT]

"This Little Piggy"

This little piggy Went to market

This little piggy stayed home

This little piggy Got her own prime-time sitcom

And it really kills me

'Cause I'm so much more Talented than she is.

Thank you.

NARRATOR: This has been another visit to Dot's Poetry Corner.

And now the Warner brothers

in a scene from Shakespeare's Hamlet.

Translated for those viewers who, like Yakko,

have no idea what he's talking about.

[GIGGLES]

Alas, poor Yorick!

Whoa, check out skull head.

I knew him, Horatio, a fellow of infinite jest,

of most excellent fancy.

He was funny.

He hath bore me on his back a thousand times.

He gave me piggyback rides.

And now how abhorred in my imagination it is!

My gorge rises at it.

I'm going to blow chunks.

Gah!

Here hung those lips

that I have kissed I know not how oft.

We kissed a lot. Not.

Where be your gibes now?

Your gambols, your songs,

your flashes of merriment

that were wont to set the table on a roar?

How come you're not funny now?

Not one now to mock your own grinning?

Quite chapfall'n?

No one's laughing now. And, by the way,

your lower jaw is missing.

[SCREAMS]

Now get you to my lady's chamber.

And tell her, let her paint an inch thick,

to this favor she must come.

Make her laugh at that.

Follow that woman and tell her

no matter how much makeup she wears,

she's still gonna croak

and end up looking just like you.

And see if she laughs.

Prithee, Horatio, tell me one thing.

What did you find in the hole?

Our next cartoon.

[PIANO PLAYING]

[CLAPPING]

[WITH LIVERPOOL ACCENT] I taught 'em everything I know.

Huh?

Hey.

Come back.

I lose more gloves that way.

[APPLAUDING]

[BIG BAND MUSIC PLAYING]

[APPLAUSE]

[SHIVERING]

[TRAIN WHISTLES]

[ROOSTER CROWS]

[WHISTLE BLOWING]

[RIPPING]

[PIANO PLAYING]

Ah!

Tomorrow I'll play the xylophone...

with my butt.

NARRATOR: It's time for another Good Idea, Bad Idea.

Good idea:

playing the accordion at a polka festival.

Bad idea:

playing the accordion anywhere else.

[ALL YELLING]

The end.

It's that time again.

To pretend to throw up?

To floss?

No. It's time to learn

the day's lesson.

And to find out what it is,

we turn to the Wheel of Morality.

Wheel of Morality, turn, turn, turn.

Tell us the lesson that we should learn.

Moral number five.

And the moral of today's story is:

Early to rise And early to bed

Makes a man healthy But socially dead

Whoa. The mind boggles.

I don't know about you, but I'm touched.

In the head.

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

ALL: Yikes!

[***]

I can't think of the ending of this show.

I can't think of anything else.