Original subtitles

[***]

ALL: * It's time for Animaniacs *

* And we're zany to the max *

* So just sit back and relax *

* You'll laugh Till you collapse *

* We're Animaniacs *

BOTH: * Come join The Warner brothers *

* And the Warner sister, Dot *

ALL: * Just for fun we run around The Warner movie lot *

* They lock us in the tower Whenever we get caught *

* But we break loose And then vamoose *

* And now you know the plot *

* We're Animaniacs *

* Dot is cute and Yakko yaks *

* Wakko packs away the snacks *

* While Bill Clinton Plays the sax *

* We're Animaniacs *

* Meet Pinky and the Brain *

* Who want to rule The universe *

* Goodfeathers flock together *

* Slappy whacks 'em With her purse *

* Buttons chases Mindy *

* While Rita sings a verse *

* The writers flipped We have no script *

* Why bother to rehearse? *

* We're Animaniacs *

* We have pay-or-play Contracts *

* We're zany to the max *

* There's bologna In our slacks *

* We're Animan-y *

* Totally insane-y *

Eisenhower, Mamie.

* Animaniacs *

* Those are the facts *

[EXPLOSIONS]

SQUIT: As far back as I can remember,

I always wanted to be a hero.

If you became a hero, then cute-looking sparrows

would flock around you and play kissy-fowl.

Bobby and Pesto loved that part.

So when the war started,

the Goodfeathers signed up as messenger pigeons.

At first, there didn't seem to be much to it.

[YAWNS] I wish we'd see some action.

I'm tired of being cooped up.

I'm with you. MAN 1: Situation is critical.

MAN 2: Enemy pressure is increasing.

Lanford took my helmet, sir. Make him give it back.

[ALL YELLING INDISTINCTLY]

Bada-bing, what are they sayin'?

Do I look like I know what they're sayin'?

I'm just askin' what they're sayin'.

How am I supposed to know what they're sayin'?

Am I fluent in Human? Do I have mystic powers?

Am I a swami, able to pluck their very words from the air

and present them to you as a gift?

Listen, you fat fowl. I'll whack your wings off

and make you the smallest ostrich on the planet.

They're sayin' somethin'. What are they sayin'?

SQUIT: Hey, Bobby, Pesto. Coo it.

Something's up.

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

General Storr, sir,

the Ninth Brigade is cut off behind enemy lines.

They must retreat at once,

or they'll be forced to surrender.

Very well. Just don't get any dirt on my map.

I'll order the Ninth Brigade to retreat immediately.

Bring me the last messenger pigeons.

This is it.

Goin' into action.

Mama Celeste!

ALL: Whoa!

GENERAL STORR: Pigeons are so dirty.

Why don't we have messenger cats?

They're much cleaner animals.

Don't Squit's new jewelry look adorable?

[LAUGHS]

[SNICKERS]

He's a regular Mia Sparrow.

[BOTH LAUGH]

[WHISTLES] To the front.

BOBBY: Follow me.

PESTO: What do ya mean, you? Follow me.

BOBBY: I don't follow nobody.

PESTO: Oh, yeah? Watch my tail feathers.

Let's look into messenger cats.

[***]

Ah, this hero stuff is nothin'.

A perch in the park, know what I'm sayin'?

You're right, Bobby.

Any of those miserable, egg-suckin' enemies show up,

I'll whack 'em into another time zone.

I mean it.

I'll really whack 'em.

[ALL SCREAM]

[ALL SCREAM]

Topo Gigio, look at this miserable place here.

Some heroes we turned out to be.

Are you calling me a hero?

I was just sayin' that we're supposed to deliver

this message and be heroes, ya know?

No, I don't know. You tell me. Are you sayin' I'm a hero?

That I'm some kind of large sandwich

filled with lunchmeat and lettuce

sent here to nourish you?

Nah, Pesto, I just meant we're not the heroes

we thought we'd be.

That's it!

Come here!

SQUIT: Come on! Hey! That's my beak.

PESTO: You dirty little squab.

You sack-jawed pelican.

Forget about it.

We got enough troubles here with the message to deliver,

and all that miserable flak coverin' the sky up there.

Bobby's right. Let's stay on the ground for a while.

It's safer down here.

Oh, Pesto, what's that sign say?

How do I know what it says?

Am I a dictionary?

Is the word "thesaurus" printed on me?

Am I some sort of vast, living pool of knowledge

here for the sole purpose of enlightening you?

I just asked, what's it say?

What's the matter with you, Pesto?

[COOS]

It says, "Thanks for droppin' in.

Hope ya had a blast."

[AIRPLANE ENGINES WHIRRING]

Over there! We'll hide in that stinkin' hole.

[ARTILLERY WHISTLING]

[ALL SCREAMING]

Relax. You never hear the one that gets ya.

ALL: Aagh!

[ALL GROAN]

So, what else can happen?

[ALL SCREAMING]

"What else can happen?"

You had to say that you goofy, bug-suckin' bat.

Rag�! You gabby little hatchling.

Oh, come on! Oh, cut it out!

Not the beak again! Oh, come on!

Give it some wing, Squit.

That message ain't gettin' any fresher, know what I'm sayin'?

It ain't gettin' any lighter, either.

Mario Lanza! We got company back here.

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

BOBBY: Well, Squit's run outta tricks. We gotta do somethin' fast here.

Decrescendo!

Anything hits this balloon,

we're gonna be Kentucky Fried Pigeons.

Yeah. They blow up easier than you.

* Ahhhh *

Aha.

[***]

Are you sure this is gonna work?

How do you know it's gonna work?

Listen, you banana-faced toucan,

you've been in a particularly bad mood this entire episode.

Now, get Squit.

Ow, Mona Lisa!

Follow me.

Where are we going?

Toward the sun.

It's in outer space. We'll never make it.

[***]

What a great idea.

Which wise guy thought that up?

That was me. I must be part owl.

Hey, Bobby don't get ideas too often,

but when he does they're regular cappuccinos.

Brilliant attack, General Storr.

Thank you, General Admission.

I was able to sweep the enemy from the field,

dust his flanks,

and wash and wax his rear echelons.

But I never would have had to attack

if you hadn't ignored my message to retreat.

Why did you ignore my message?

What message?

Why, I guess you mean this message.

[BOTH LAUGH]

GENERAL STORR: Oh, jolly good.

SQUIT: Yeah, they sure were happy to get our message.

And so we were heroes.

We couldn't wait to get back to the States, though,

'cause we wanted everybody to know

what bigtime heroes we were.

Too bad we didn't get any medals.

But I guess they just don't have any

big enough for us Goodfeathers.

"Big?" What do you mean by "big"?

Are you tryin' to say I'm fat?

Some kind of roly-poly chicken leg for your matzo ball soup?

A chunk of fat meant to up your cholesterol level?

Oh, no. I just meant that we're, like, big shots, ya know?

Heavy hitters.

Ah, now I'm a heavy hitter.

I'll give ya a heavy hit in the head.

Here. Take that. I'll give you "big."

SQUIT: Oh, come on! PESTO: I'll give you Tom Hanks

upside the head, that's what! [LAUGHS]

PESTO: Hey, mostaccioli! Come here. Here!

[***]

SERGEANT: Left, left, left, right, left.

* Recruits smell And that's no lie *

* Hate your guts Gonna make you cry *

* Call me smart Call me inspired *

* You're gonna march Till I get tired *

I love my job.

Hey, sarge. The new recruits are here.

Fresh meat.

[CHUCKLES]

Oof!

YAKKO: Excuse us. pardon us.

Coming through. Ah, summer camp at last.

Eight weeks of fun, fun, fun.

Swimming and canoe racing.

Mosquitoes and bear attacks.

And not just any old camp...

boot camp.

[SIGHS]

Like Imelda Marcos, I've always adored boots.

Hello, nurse.

Hi, Mr. Camp Counselor.

I'd like size three EEE boots

with fringe and little pink bows on the toes, please.

Get back in line, soldier.

[SNIFFS]

Ew, who's P-yew?

[GIGGLES]

Psst! Down here.

Say, is there a girls' camp across the lake?

You know... Hello, nurse.

Fall in!

Get up!

Now, fall in!

Get up and fall in!

Is this part of our camp initiation?

Frankly, we'd prefer the spanking machine.

Get up and get in line!

Well, why didn't you say that in the first place?

Who do you think you are?

We think, therefore we are the Warner brothers.

And the Warner sister.

WAKKO: Glad to make my acquaintance.

[GRUNTS]

Give me that back, you little Gila monster.

All of it, Wakko.

[GASPS]

[CHUCKLES]

[GIGGLES]

Excuse me, Mr. Camp Counselor,

but, uh, when do we get to sing "Kumbaya"?

I am not a camp counselor.

I am your drill instructor.

This is the Army, soldier!

The Army?

Well, it's been fun. Gotta go.

Buh-bye.

Get back here.

From now on, this Army will be your home.

I will be your mother, father, aunt and uncle.

ALL: A family!

Mwah, mwah, mwah!

Stop that, you-- You-- You--

What are you, anyway?

Infested with fleas.

[***]

Oh, take off your hat.

Oh, that one too.

Uh, that one too.

Ooh.

Hm.

[GROWLS]

Hat's all, folks.

Behave yourself or I'll get real mad.

Oh, yes I will, real mad.

[STAMMERING] Ooh, ah, oh.

[CHUCKLES]

And I thought Opie was naughty.

WAKKO: I don't want to be in the Army, Yakko.

What are we gonna do?

I'm leaning heavily toward fleeing.

To the left, right, left.

Your left. To the left. To the left, right, left.

* I don't know But I've been told *

* Army life is mighty bold *

* Every night before retreat-- *

* We order out For luncheon meat *

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

Platoon, get back to the barracks.

As for you three, I've had it.

Good. Does that mean we can leave?

No, Private Cute Boots.

From now on, I'm training you to become agents

of total destruction.

But we don't want to be mailmen. We'd rather work for a living.

Detail, halt.

A foxhole is a soldier's best friend.

Must be hard to go to the movies together.

Dig!

Huh?

ALL: We'd move if we were you.

[SCREAMS]

Did we dig it deep enough?

[THUMP]

SWEETE: This is the grenade range.

You will learn all about the standard M26-A1-F472918-A

fragmentation device.

Just pull the pin and throw.

Throw the grenade!

You said throw the pin.

I meant pull the pin and throw the grenade!

I'm all confused. You do it.

[GROANS]

[***]

SWEETE: Normally, parachuting is reserved

for well-trained, elite troops.

But in your case, I'm gonna make an exception.

[CHUCKLES]

SWEETE: Geronimo!

ALL: Sitting Bull!

By the way, we took your dirty sheets to the laundry.

What dirty sheets?

The ones you stuffed in your knapsack.

Huh?

Aaah!

Ohhh!

No starch, right?

[SCREAMS]

Don't worry, kids. It's almost over.

Come on, guys. Let's go camping.

Build a campfire, make s'mores, sing songs. Come on.

ALL: * Do your ears hang low? *

* Do they wobble to and fro? *

* Can you tie 'em in a knot? Can you tie 'em in a bow? *

* Can you throw 'em Over your shoulder *

* Like a Continental soldier? *

* Do your ears hang low? *

Camp is okay,

but these pink boots are killing me.

[***]

* Chicken Boo What's the matter with you? *

* You don't act Like the other chickens do *

* You wear a disguise To look like human guys *

* But you're not a man You're a chicken, Boo *

[***]

I'm so hungry I could eat the hind shank of a porcupine.

I could eat a whole porcupine, plus the front shank of a skunk.

I could eat me a whole porcupine, a whole skunk,

a weasel's giblets, and the horse you rode in on.

[HORSE SNORTS] [GASPS]

SOLDIER: It's Lieutenant Colonel Sanders.

At ease, men.

I got news.

Y'all heard of General Boo-Regard?

Only that he's the greatest soldier ever lived.

Well, he's coming to lead us to victory at Appomattox.

[HORSE WHINNIES]

[GASPS]

It's General Boo-Regard.

Attention!

[***]

Lieutenant Colonel Sanders at your service, general.

General Boo-Regard, we done hear tell

you whupped General Grant at Shiloh.

We done hear tell you beat General Sherman in Atlanta.

I done hear tell you're a chicken.

[BOTH GASP]

You yellow-bellied--

Two-bit, Yankee-loving--

--cotton-brained boll weevil.

[CHUCKLES]

Uh, he didn't mean that, sir.

He's just hungry, and hungry men say crazy things.

Ain't not so too 'cause I'm hungry.

He's a chicken, I tell ya...

The South will rise again.

Three cheers for General Boo-Regard.

Hip, hip, hooray!

ALL: Hip, hip, hooray! Hip, hip, hooray!

Their commanding general is Boo-Regard.

They call him the scourge of the South.

He don't take prisoners.

We're done for.

[WHINNIES]

[CLUCKING]

[GASPS] [GASPS] [GASPS]

Ha! He's a chicken.

[BOTH LAUGH]

[CLUCKING]

[CLUCKING]

I told you that guy's a chicken.

A chicken big enough to feed an army.

Hold it, fellers.

That there chicken's big enough to feed an army.

Ba-kaw--!

[CHICKEN BOO CLUCKING]

* You wear a disguise To look like human guys *

* But you're not a man You're a chicken, Boo *

[***]

Hey. Stay coo.