Original subtitles

[***]

ALL: * It's time for Animaniacs *

* And we're zany to the max *

* So just sit back and relax *

* You'll laugh Till you collapse *

* We're Animaniacs *

BOTH: * Come join The Warner brothers *

* And the Warner sister, Dot *

ALL: * Just for fun we run around The Warner movie lot *

* They lock us in the tower Whenever we get caught *

* But we break loose And then vamoose *

* And now you know the plot *

* We're Animaniacs *

* Dot is cute and Yakko yaks *

* Wakko packs away the snacks *

* While Bill Clinton Plays the sax *

* We're Animaniacs *

* Meet Pinky and the Brain *

* Who want to rule The universe *

* Goodfeathers flock together *

* Slappy whacks 'em With her purse *

* Buttons chases Mindy *

* While Rita sings a verse *

* The writers flipped We have no script *

* Why bother to rehearse? *

* We're Animaniacs *

* We have pay-or-play Contracts *

* We're zany to the max *

* There's bologna In our slacks *

* We're Animan-y *

* Totally insane-y *

* Citizen Kane-y *

* Animaniacs *

* Those are the facts *

* The crankiest of creatures In the whole wide world *

* Our next cartoon Features Slappy the squirrel *

Enough with the singin' already.

* That's Slappy *

I like the chocolate ones.

Welcome back to the show.

We now review a new laser disc just released to home video.

It's called The Best of Looney Tunes,

and it contains such favorites as Bugs Bunny,

Daffy Duck and Porky Pig.

Let's take a look.

Wabbit twacks.

* Kill the wabbit *

* Kill the wabbit *

* Kill the wabbit *

Kill the wabbit?

That's strange.

All of a sudden I don't quite feel like myself.

Oh, I feel all right. And yet I-- I, uh--

[SCREAMS]

[STUTTERING] Are you really the last of the dodoes?

Yes, I'm really the last of the dodoes.

[SINGING SCAT]

[BOTH LAUGHING]

[IMITATING DODO]

[AS DAFFY DUCK] That's despicable.

* Catch-a the wabbit *

It's so funny.

HISSKILL: I have to stop laughing.

I'm gonna throw up.

[HISSKILL & EGGBERT CONTINUE LAUGHING]

They love it, Aunt Slappy.

Yeah, yeah. Enough Bugs Bunny already.

When are they gonna show clips from my cartoons?

I mean, I'm supposed to be in this laser beam

doohickey, thingamajig here somewhere, right?

Yeah, there I am.

Look at my head.

They're just saving the best for last, Aunt Slappy.

A little heroine worship never hurt nobody.

Yep, this is perhaps the best compilation

of Warner cartoons ever.

Unfortunately, it also includes cartoons

featuring the only Warner's character that we actually hate.

The terribly unfunny Slappy Squirrel.

[IN UNISON] What?

Codger, have you ever laughed at a Slappy Squirrel cartoon?

Never. She repulses me.

I mean, she's just not funny.

She never made a funny cartoon in her life.

Oof!

Let's face it, Slappy Squirrel is without a doubt

the unfunniest cartoon character

in the history of animation.

Oof!

So to the collection of Warner cartoons,

we both give an enthusiastic

"toes up."

But to the cartoons of Slappy Squirrel

we both give a big, smelly "toes down."

And that's our show.

I'm Lean Hisskill.

And I'm Codger Eggbert.

Till next time, the balcony is ours.

[GROANS]

Those mean men.

How could they say such horrible things?

Now, Skippy, it's a free country.

Everyone's entitled to his own opinion.

But they're wrong.

You're the funniest cartoon character ever.

Calm down, Skippy.

We can't let 'em get away with it, Aunt Slappy.

Let's go get 'em.

Skippy, no. What are you thinkin'?

Oh, you're right, Aunt Slappy.

We'll need the big bombs.

That's better, kid.

Come on, let's blow 'em to kingdom come.

Yay!

[***]

Now, here's today's lesson, Skippy.

If you wanna go on national TV

and shred someone's career to pieces,

you have the right.

Right.

But when you do that, remember:

Don't go listin' your home address in the phone book.

A lesson well-learned.

[LAUGHING]

The home of Hisskill and Eggbert

unexpectedly exploded today.

But happily, the two famous movie critics

were away on business having their legs waxed.

It's sad, really.

And tonight, they'll both be attending the gala premiere

of Steven Spielberg's new blockbuster movie.

Skippy, feel like takin' in a flick?

Well...

Come on, it'll be fun.

Okay.

[***]

Well, hi. Mary Hartless here

at the movie event of the year.

An invitation-only affair for Hollywood's cultural elite.

Tickets, please, for Hisskill and Eggbert.

Hisskill and Eggbert, Hisskill and Eggbert.

Uh, nope, not on the list.

We have invitations, miss.

Yeah, who doesn't?

Listen, you're not on the list, pally boy,

so take a hike, okay? Next!

Do you know who we are?

We're Hisskill and Eggbert,

world-famous movie critics.

Our review could make or break this film.

We demand to be let in.

Oh, in that case, a thousand pardons.

Let me personally show you to your seats.

That's better.

Your seats are right here.

Bon voyage-y.

[FIREWORKS CRACKLING]

Well, what do ya know?

Their names were on the list after all.

Oops.

[LAUGHING]

Tickets, please. Tickets.

Tickets, please.

Hey, look, there's been an error.

We don't have tickets, but you have to let us in.

Persistent little buggers, ain't they?

Sorry, sir.

No ticket, no movie.

Now, listen, you little brat, we're goin' in there.

Aye-ya!

No way.

Okay, kid, listen.

We'll pay ya to let us in.

No, that would be bribery.

Oh, come on, please? How much?

We made it!

HISSKILL: We're inside! Hooray!

Nice work, Skippy.

You just paid for your college education.

College, nothin'.

I'm goin' to Vegas.

Get me Siegfried and Roy's autograph, would ya?

Hurry up, Codger. Wait.

I just need to get a quick snack.

May I help you,

or did the Goodyear blimp just land?

Ha, ha.

Give me a large tub of popcorn, and hurry.

There you go, Shamu.

You want artificial butter flavoring on that?

Sure.

All right then.

Does it cost extra?

Artificial butter?

Nah, it's cheap stuff.

Really? What's it made of?

Ah, it's just lard

that I'm liposuctioning out of your gut.

Ew! Ick!

Hey, pal, that'll be 7.50.

It's about time. The movie's starting.

Where's the balcony, kid?

Upstairs, duh.

Come on.

HISSKILL: I hope we haven't missed the opening credits.

[IN UNISON] Aaagh!

[BOTH SCREAMING]

Okay, who's the wise guy that moved the balcony?

[LAUGHING]

HISSKILL: There he is.

Why you incorrigible little brat.

There's no balcony up there.

Excuse me, I'm the manager.

Is there a problem?

Yes! We wanna be shown to our seats.

Immediately!

All right, sir, but I'm afraid the only remaining seats

are in the front row.

Fine. We don't care.

Just take us there. Now!

Right this way.

There ya go.

Enjoy the movie.

[WHISPERING] Very lifelike.

And the special effects are astounding.

[SCREAMING]

Ready, aim, fire!

[LAUGHING]

So both Aunt Slappy and I

give Steven Spielberg's new film

a great big "toes up."

I love a movie with a happy ending.

[LAUGHING]

[LAUGHTER]

So you see, we were wrong about Slappy Squirrel.

She's funny.

She's the funniest cartoon character of all time.

These guys are finally startin' to talk sense.

Slappy Squirrel, we salute ya.

That is, if we had the ability to move our arms,

we'd salute ya.

And that's our show.

So until next time, the balcony is--

Blown up.

Now, that's comedy.

[***]

[***]

NARRATOR: Paris, France, 1575.

A time of great social and political unrest.

CROWD [CHANTING]: Down with the king!

Down with the king!

Down with the king!

The king's popularity was waning,

and there had been numerous threats on his life.

As such, he was a very nervous monarch.

[YELPS]

So the king sought the wisdom of his sage, the soothsayer.

You scared me.

[GASPS]

Gadzooks!

Is there going to be another attempt on my life?

What do you see?

The viper is coming.

The viper is coming tonight at 11:30.

[GASPS] Oooh!

[SHRIEKS]

[WHIMPERING]

You scared me again. Stop it.

Who in France is brave enough to protect me from the viper?

The three musketeers.

* Hail the king's protectors *

* Hail the three musketeers *

* Hail the king's protectors *

* Hail the three musketeers *

Who are you waitin' for?

The musketeers.

* Hail the king's protectors *

* Hail the three musketeers *

I think you've been stood up.

Who are they waiting for?

The Mouseketeers.

Where's Cubby? He's dreamy.

Good heavens, you are the three musketeers.

That is correct. Tell him what he's won, Dottie.

A year's supply of Squeezie Cheeze.

The not-quite-but-almost cheese food in a bottle.

If it's almost food but not quite,

it's Squeezie Cheeze.

Yes, my not-so-royal highness, we are the three musketeers.

All for one and one for all.

And one times 10 divided by two times pi equals--

What's that equal?

Nope.

It's Sweet'N Low.

I must say,

you caught me off guard, musketeers.

I thought for sure you'd make one of your grand entrances.

You mean, like this:

* We're the musketeers And we're very proud to say *

* That through the years *

* In the face of danger We have run away *

* But, hey, that's okay *

* What should you expect With this take-home pay? *

* We're the musketeers We drive a Chevrolet *

* Swing on chandeliers *

* And have thrilling Sword fights many times a day *

* It may sound clich� *

* But it was either this Or sell Amway *

* Now, unclog those filthy Dirty ears *

* It's time to meet The musketeers *

* Musketeer roll call *

Yakkos

Wakkos

d'Otagnan

* Now we'll carve our initials *

* In your rears *

* 'Cause we are The three musketeers *

Is that the kind of entrance you meant?

Yes.

We don't do those anymore.

You three remind me of a very young

Yippee, Yappee, and Yahooey.

I have no idea what that meant.

Musketeers, you must help me.

I fear the presence of a horrifying viper

in my chamber tonight at 11:30.

You must protect me.

Say no more.

Oh, thank you. Thank you.

No, really, stop talking. Your breath really smells.

This is my bedroom.

Let us go in first and make sure it's safe.

All right.

You'd let a poor, defenseless girl

go in that dark room with who-knows-what

lurking in the shadows?

What kind of man are you?

Well, I--

YAKKO & WAKKO: Tsk, tsk, tsk.

I'm sorry. What was I thinking?

You stay here, little lady,

and I'll make sure my room is safe.

[***]

Is it safe?

[YELPS]

Well, king, looks like the coast is clear.

Really? How can you be sure?

See for yourself.

[COUGHING]

Time for your bedtime snack.

Oh, goody.

Wait. It could be tainted

with some horrible disfiguring poison.

I'll test it.

Faboo.

[GASPS]

It was poisoned.

No, just mayonnaise.

[BURPS]

BOTH: Spew.

[YAWNS]

I grow weary.

We grow azaleas.

I believe I shall retire.

For 20 years of dedicated service

we celebrate your retirement with this gold watch.

Why, thank you.

I never expected--

YAKKO: It's been swell.

DOT: Have a good life.

WAKKO: Eat plenty of fiber.

* We're in charge *

* We're in charge *

* We're in charge *

I am the king.

Oh, wasn't that nice.

I always wanted a gold watch.

Wait a minute.

Enough of this frivolity.

You should be protecting me.

And I should be asleep.

You're just upset

'cause we've got a candy bar named after us and you don't.

Kingiepoo want a lullaby?

That would be nice.

* Hush, little king Please don't cry *

* We're gonna sing you A lullaby *

* A big scary monster man Is coming for you *

* He'll gobble you up Like chunky beef stew *

ALL: Mwah!

Good night.

We'll be right outside,

protecting you from the evil viper

who looms in the shadows to do horrible,

unspeakable things to you

while you innocently slumber.

ALL: Sleep tight.

* Up, two, three, four No one's gettin' in this door *

* Five, six, seven, eight *

* Gonna ask Cindy Crawford For a date *

[SCREAMS]

The king!

The viper!

The viper.

The viper.

[IN UNISON] The viper.

Ya.

I'm da vindow viper.

I vipe da vindows.

[LAUGHING]

[CROWD LAUGHING, APPLAUSE]

YAKKO: Thank you. Thank you. That's our show.

Now let's meet today's cast.

Playing the king,

Sheila MacRae.

Playing the soothsayer,

Jane Kean.

And as the window wiper,

Art Carney.

Oh, I gotta tell ya,

Miami Beach audiences are the greatest in the world.

Mwah!

Good night, everybody!

[***]

Spew!