Original subtitles

[***]

YAKKO & WAKKO: Hi, we're the Warner brothers.

And the Warner sister.

And we'd like to invite you

and all the members of your household--

To gather around the TV set and join us now--

For a very special episode of Animaniacs.

And what's so special about it?

I'm not wearing any pants.

[***]

ALL: * It's time for Animaniacs *

* And we're zany to the max *

* So just sit back and relax *

* You'll laugh Till you collapse *

* We're Animaniacs *

BOTH: * Come join The Warner brothers *

* And the Warner sister, Dot *

ALL: * Just for fun we run around The Warner movie lot *

* They lock us in the tower Whenever we get caught *

* But we break loose And then vamoose *

* And now you know the plot *

* We're Animaniacs *

* Dot is cute and Yakko yaks *

* Wakko packs away the snacks *

* While Bill Clinton Plays the sax *

* We're Animaniacs *

* Meet Pinky and the Brain *

* Who want to rule The universe *

* Goodfeathers flock together *

* Slappy whacks 'em With her purse *

* Buttons chases Mindy *

* While Rita sings a verse *

* The writers flipped We have no script *

* Why bother to rehearse? *

* We're Animaniacs *

* We have pay-or-play Contracts *

* We're zany to the max *

* There's bologna In our slacks *

* We're Animan-y *

* Totally insane-y *

* Miss Cellany *

* Animaniacs *

* Those are the facts *

[***]

Welcome to the Animaniacs test kitchen.

We're cooking up something really different

for today's show.

All we need are our ingredients.

YAKKO: * A dash of Pinky and the Brain A cup of Slappy Squirrel *

* A tablespoon of Goodfeathers Add Rita, Runt, then swirl *

* We add a pinch of hippos Buttons and Mindy too *

* Now top it off with Skippy Squirrel *

* What's that make? *

ALL: * Animaniacs stew *

What have we come up with?

Just watch.

* They're Mindy and the Brain Mindy and the Brain *

* One's a small child And the other's *

* The Brain *

* He uses his lobe To overthrow the globe *

* She's whimsy They're Mindy and the Brain *

* Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain *

[GURGLING, GIBBERING NONSENSICALLY]

Hi, lady.

It's "Mom." Now, listen, honey.

Mommy has to go to a better-parenting conference.

You stay right here and play.

Okay, lady. I love you. Bye-bye.

Now, Brain, you keep an eye on Mindy while I'm gone.

I always get an attitude from him.

At last, that meddler is gone.

I'm free to begin my plan

to conquer the world.

First, I'll use telepathy to open the cage.

Now to get Mindy.

Come, Mindy. It's time for us

to conquer the world.

Why?

By right of superior intelligence

I am best suited to guide the destiny of this planet.

Why?

My empirical powers give me the mandate.

Why?

Because it's something I want to do!

Okay. I love you.

Mwah.

I am uncomfortable with that.

Now listen closely, Mindy.

Using the gardener's weedkiller,

some manure, and a little zoysia grass

I will construct a powerful stink bomb.

We'll use the lawn-mower engine to construct a rocket

and fill it with the gas.

When precisely launched

the prevailing winds will spread the gas

across the world's capitals.

As the stench drives government officials out into the streets,

we will rush in and seize power.

Do you understand?

Mousy!

Pretty Brain mousy.

I am mortified.

Little mousy, big head.

Put me down, Mindy, or I shall have to hurt you.

Okay. I love you. Bye-bye!

I sense I've completed the first step of my plan:

finding manure.

[FLIES BUZZING]

[***]

Pungent aroma, if I do say so.

Now to construct the rocket.

Buggy. Buggy!

All right, Mindy, bring me the mower.

Soon the world will be mine.

Whoa!

Buggy go fast.

Wee!

Whoa!

Gaah!

[SPITTING, GRUNTING]

Buggy go round.

[LAUGHS]

[LAWN MOWER APPROACHING]

[SCREAMS]

[GIGGLES]

Silly Brain.

This is most unexpected.

[GURGLES]

Brain smell like poo-poo.

I must rethink my present career.

What's that horrible smell?

Is that you, Brain?

Have you been allowing Mindy to feed you old cheese again?

Bad mouse. Bad, bad mouse.

I hate being chided.

She'll be gone soon.

Then I can begin my plans for tomorrow.

Another plot to take over the world.

But first,

a bath.

* He's stinky They're Mindy and the Brain *

* Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain *

* They're Pinky and the cat *

* Yes, Pinky and the cat *

* Her name is Rita *

* He's a lab rat * A mouse.

* They live inside a cage *

* Making less than Minimum wage *

* It's dinky They're Pinky and the cat *

* Cat, cat, cat, cat *

What do you want to do tonight, Rita?

I don't know.

Eat you for supper?

[GULPS]

So far this is my favorite episode.

PINKY: Narf!

Oh, roomy accommodations, Rita.

* She ate the rat 'Cause Rita is a cat *

* Cat, cat, cat, cat *

* We've been mixing up The scripts *

* All the livelong show *

* Putting characters together *

* Who normally wouldn't go *

And action!

[***]

Pesto, you're supposed to sing.

Rita always sings.

D-definitely sings here.

What am I, a nightingale?

Oh, someone listen to me warble.

Coo. Look at me. I'm warbling.

It's so pretty.

Forget it.

[SIGHS EXASPERATEDLY]

Okay, Pesto, I forgot it.

Boca Raton, what a nanook.

I wish we'd find a nice home.

When are we gonna find a nice home, Pesto?

How am I supposed to know?

Am I intimate friends with Donald Trump?

Do I work for Century 22?

Are my pockets bulging with real-estate listings

awaiting your perusal?

Uh, I don't know, Pesto.

I just thought us dogs definitely should have

a roof over our heads. Definitely a roof for dogs.

What did you say?

That us dogs should have a home.

Are you calling me a dog?

Are you saying that I'm ugly?

That you don't want your friends to see me?

That because my face doesn't shine like a crown of a king,

I must be some kind of a beast?

Gee, Pesto. All I was saying--

Here, boy. Here, big doggy. Mm-mm.

Come here, boy. Get out of the rain. Oh, my.

Oh, boy. A nice human.

Ow!

What are you, an elephant? Watch it, Jumbo.

Oh, you poor dog.

Come inside and dry off.

Woof!

[SCREAMS]

Don't move, doggy.

A horrid pigeon just landed on your back.

It probably wants to suck out your blood.

Oof!

Nasty, nasty bloodsucking bird.

Nosferatu.

Pia Zadora.

Come, boy. Let's go inside my house

where it's nice and warm and filled with stuff.

Julius La Rosa, that hurts.

You'll rest here and be a dog,

and I'll go get you a nice big bone.

Mm-mm.

[YAWNS]

[SQUAWKS]

Ow.

Be nice, Crackers. We have company. See?

It's a big dog whom I shall call Scout or Mr. Mumphead.

I haven't decided.

[WHISTLES]

Crackers. Crackers.

Don't be jealous.

You're the dearest thing in the world to me

which should give you some idea of my values.

Mm-mm.

[SNORING]

What do I look like here, a doorstop?

Ronzoni!

Now to wake up Runt

so we can get the heck outta here.

[SQUAWKS]

[SNORTS] Oh, boy. Something scared me.

Something definitely scared me.

What are you doing with the fur sticking up?

I don't understand, is this something dogs do?

Something scared me, definitely scared me.

CRACKERS: Crackers. Crackers.

[SQUAWKS]

Excuse me. What did you say?

Crackers. Crackers.

Aw, gee, Pesto. What are you gonna do?

What am I gonna do?

I'm gonna teach that bird some manners.

That's what I'm gonna do.

You know, you belong on a pirate's shoulder,

you miserable LaGuardia.

Do you have something you wanna say to my beak?

[SQUAWKS]

Crackers. Crackers.

Are you calling me crackers?

Are you saying I'm a large sodium-covered square

here to amuse you?

Crackers. Crackers. Crackers.

That's it.

Hey, here's your saltine--

That's gonna be trouble, definitely trouble.

PESTO: I'll give you a cracker upside the head.

Stop it. Stop it at once.

Crackers.

Crackers.

[SCREAMS]

How dare you suck the blood from my parrot.

Horrid, horrid, undead bird!

Did you see me beak him?

I beaked him real good.

He never laid a wing on me.

Get out! The both of you.

You were in this together the whole time.

It was a plot to hurt my Crackers.

Don Pardo.

Ah, gee, Pesto.

I know, I know. I'm supposed to sing. Fine.

* La, la La-la, la-la, la-la *

* La-la, la-la, la-la *

There. You happy?

That was good, Pesto.

You think it was great?

No, but it was good.

But you think it was good, right?

Hey, you know what?

I could be the next Wing Newton.

[PHONE RINGS]

* She's Katie Ka-Boom *

* Katie Ka-Boom *

* She lives in a house With a garden in bloom *

* Her family knows That any time soon *

* Their little lady, Katie *

* Goes ka-boom *

KATIE: You're gonna like my parents.

They're weird, but they're nice.

Wait here. I'll go find 'em.

Mom? Dad?

We're in here, hon.

He's here.

Who's here?

It's C.B. We're dating.

You're dating C.B.,

the student council president? Yup.

We-- Th-the captain of the wrestling team?

That's him. Wait'll you meet him.

I'll be right back. Nobody move.

I heard C.B. will be this year's valedictorian.

Well, now, I heard he's taking the wrestlers

all the way to the state championship.

I heard he's a giant chicken.

Tinker!

Don't talk about Katie's boyfriends that way.

Mom, Dad, meet C.B.

C.B., these are my parents.

What?

Sweetie, can we have a word with ya in, uh, p-- Uh, private?

Be right back.

What is wrong with you two?

I'm so embarrassed.

Katie, about C.B...

Isn't he just dreamy?

No, honey. He's a chicken.

With feathers and a-- A beak.

I told you he was a chicken.

He's not a chicken.

Bawk-bawk.

Katie, darling, we're only trying to protect you

from getting hurt.

You never like my friends.

KATIE [IN A HARSH VOICE]: You never like anyone I like.

Katie. Now, darling, please just calm down.

Hit the dirt!

[RINGING]

[BLARING]

[BEEPING]

[CLUCKING]

You never like my friends.

Never. Never!

[ROARS]

Ba-kaw!

Huh?

[IN NORMAL VOICE] You really are a chicken. Why didn't you tell me?

[CLUCKS]

[IN HARSH VOICE] Why didn't you tell me?

[ROARS]

Here we go again.

Katie, you're overreacting.

I'm not overreacting.

I'm dating...

a chicken!

[CLUCKING]

[***]

[IN NORMAL VOICE] Mom,

C.B. and I broke up.

[SOBS]

There, there.

* You wear a disguise To look like human guys *

* But you're not a man You're a chicken, Boo *

* We found this old computer *

* And then we fixed it up *

* We threw in All the characters *

* Now they're all mixed up *

* She's the crankiest Of creatures *

* In the whole wide world *

* This short cartoon features Dottie the squirrel *

The name's Dot.

Call me Dottie and ya die.

* That's Dottie *

I warned you.

The time has come

for the mother-in-law of all battles.

Soon the world will tremble as I, Sodarn Hinsane,

unleash my really neat new armies upon the Mideast.

Nothing can stand in my way.

[LAUGHING MANIACALLY]

Uh, excuse me.

Is this the Baghdad Cafe?

No. Who are you?

[***]

* We're the Warner brothers We like to sing a lot *

* My name's Yakko * * My name's Wakko *

BOTH: * And here's our sister *

Slappy.

"I'm the cute one."

I don't get it.

This old squirrel?

She is 10,000 years older than sand.

How can you be brothers and sister?

Shh. Don't tell her.

She's adopted.

That's it. I'm outta here.

Where's Skippy? Skippy?

Aunt Slappy.

You're not Skippy.

What the heck's goin' on around here?

Now, now, calm down, sister sibling.

We're at the Baghdad Cafe for brunch, remember?

No.

And this is the headwaiter.

What?

Garcon, a table for three, please, by the window.

[GASPS] On second thought, how about something

closer to the kitchen?

This should do just fine.

I am no headwaiter.

Good. Then I won't have to tip ya.

Stop that! You are eating Kuwait.

Needs salt.

[BURPS]

Thanks for sharing.

Guard. Guard!

Get in here.

Remove these pests.

Slappy, your line.

All right, all right.

Let me see here.

"She leaps into the handsome guard's arms."

Give me a boost, will ya? I'm old.

Okay, here goes.

[COUGHING] Ahem.

"Hello, nurse."

I don't get it. What does that mean?

Enough.

I couldn't agree more.

Do you know who I am?

Why? Did ya forget?

Little fools, I am the leader of Iraq.

The supreme commander.

The mighty Sodarn Hinsane.

"Oh, yeah? Well, I'm Princess Angelina

Contessa Louisa Francesca--"

Ah. Forget it. I'm done.

Here. Have some dynamite down your pants.

[SCREAMS]

* Our story is over Its ending is happy *

* Thanks to Yakko, Wakko And our sister *

* Slappy *

Next time I'm askin' for script approval.

It's that time again.

To pad out the show?

To search for Elvis at 7-Elevens?

No. It's time to learn the day's lesson.

And to find out what it is,

we turn to...

the Wheel of Morality.

Wheel of Morality, turn, turn, turn.

YAKKO: Tell us the lesson that we should learn.

Moral number three.

And the moral of today's story is:

You can teach an old dog new tricks,

but you can't teach Madonna to act.

That makes me feel all kind of warm and squishy.

Either that, or I sat in something.

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

ALL: Yike!

[***]

ALL: Aaah!

There's a horrible bug on your shoulder.

ALL: Aaah!

Just kidding.

[LAUGHING]