Original subtitles

[***]

ALL: * It's time for Animaniacs *

* And we're zany to the max *

* So just sit back and relax *

* You'll laugh Till you collapse *

* We're Animaniacs *

BOTH: * Come join The Warner brothers *

* And the Warner sister, Dot *

ALL: * Just for fun we run around The Warner movie lot *

* They lock us in the tower Whenever we get caught *

* But we break loose And then vamoose *

* And now you know the plot *

* We're Animaniacs *

* Dot is cute and Yakko yaks *

* Wakko packs away the snacks *

* While Bill Clinton Plays the sax *

* We're Animaniacs *

* Meet Pinky and the Brain *

* Who want to rule The universe *

* Goodfeathers flock together *

* Slappy whacks 'em With her purse *

* Buttons chases Mindy *

* While Rita sings a verse *

* The writers flipped We have no script *

* Why bother to rehearse? *

* We're Animaniacs *

* We have pay-or-play Contracts *

* We're zany to the max *

* There's bologna In our slacks *

* We're Animan-y *

* Totally insane-y *

[YAKKO'S VOICE] * Dana Delany *

* Animaniacs *

* Those are the facts *

[***]

[SQUEALS]

[***]

[***]

Greetings from Impetago's,

where all the stars have turned out

for the celebrity gala of the year.

[CROWD CHEERING]

Let's see who's here.

You gonna blast this one

like you blasted all these others before?

I ain't the way I was before.

Columbus understood that the Earth wasn't flat,

like this.

Or this.

Or this.

Au contraire, Columbus knew the Earth was round, like this.

Care for any dessert, sir?

Well, this will be a beginning.

You just never know who'll turn up

at a star-stuffed shindig like this one.

[SONAR BEEPING SLOWLY]

[BEEPING RAPIDLY]

Yup, you never know who'll turn up.

Especially uninvited.

[***]

Mm, these cheese balls are delicious.

[ENGLISH ACCENT] Please, sir, may I have some more?

More?

Say no more, sister sibling.

Oh, hello.

Uh...hi. Yakko Warner.

Pleased to meet you, Yakko.

Name's Francis Pumphandle, but everyone calls me Pip.

Great cheese balls, huh, Pip?

I'll say.

Cheese balls are one of my all-time favorite foods.

I always seem to meet the most interesting people

when I'm around them too.

In fact, cheese balls bring to mind

the time I met Bob Barker.

You don't say.

Yes, indeed.

Bob Barker, star of the most popular

morning game show.

He's an emcee, a host and a celebrity,

all rolled into one.

Anyway, eight months ago, it was Tuesday the 17th,

I believe--

Or it might have been the 18th. [GRUNTING]

No, no, it was definitely the 17th,

because it was precisely one week

after my aunt Lucretia's birthday,

which is the 10th.

Aunt Lucretia's quite a woman.

Loves to cook.

She prepares a fabulous wor shu op.

That's a Chinese duck dish.

I love Chinese food.

I once went to a party where they served

Chinese food and cheese balls.

Now, that was a Catch-22 situation.

Catch-22 was a movie, you know.

It was long, very long.

They say the book was better,

but it was a novel,

and I never finish reading those things.

Well, isn't that interesting?

Of course, a lot of people don't read much nowadays.

They watch television.

I caught a program on PBS last night.

A very good show on chimpanzees. What took so long?

Is Michelle Pfeiffer out there?

Never mind, there's a person up here you gotta meet.

Mel Gibson? Close.

PIP: But it was Fred's chimpanzee's girlfriend

that had me stumped.

I couldn't remember her name, so I looked it up.

Her name was Phoebe B. Beebee.

Dot Warner, this is Francis Pumphandle, but--

BOTH [IN UNISON]: Everyone calls me Pip.

Anyway, as I was saying, eight months ago,

Tuesday the 17th...

I'm going to hurt my brother badly.

I love to relax.

In fact, relaxing is a pastime of mine.

Some people play golf, others like tennis,

horseshoes, Bridge, Canasta, and other such fancy hobbies.

Wakko Warner, meet Pip. Bye!

Charmed to meet ya.

[***]

Now, another hobby enjoyed by many is knitting.

My grandmother was a great knitter.

Knitted this sweater I'm wearing.

It's red, which is not my favorite color.

I prefer mauve or mustard yellow.

Now, don't get me wrong,

red is okay for ties and suspenders,

but with sweaters, I prefer more neutral colors.

I have to go.

But when I'm relaxing, I don't care what wear.

Long pants, Bermuda shorts, T-shirts or formal attire.

You name it, anything goes.

Now, on the 17th, during my relaxing stroll,

I recall wearing my herringbone jacket,

my Laughlin, Nevada, souvenir tie,

and my charcoal-gray slacks.

Or was it the navy slacks?

Oh, I suppose it doesn't really matter, does it?

What matters is comfort.

You know, I once stayed at a Comfort Inn.

Doggy bag, sir?

Warm, cozy, comfortable.

I love comfort. [BARKING]

It goes along with that pastime of mine, relaxing.

Now, for me, there's nothing more relaxing...

Go away.

...than a nice, leisurely stroll,

like the one I took eight months ago on the 17th.

It was a bright, sunny day.

This man is scaring me.

Which of course is the optimum condition

for relaxed strolling...

I can't say it hasn't been grand, Pip,

because it hasn't.

We gotta run. Bye!

I kept humming and humming and humming and humming.

I couldn't get the tune out of my head.

ALL [IN UNISON]: Retreat!

[PIP BABBLING]

We'd love to stay and count our brain cells

as they die, one by one.

But we can't.

WAKKO: Gotta go.

ALL [IN UNISON]: Bye!

PIP: I'd always wanted to play an instrument,

and be like my hero, Leo Sayer.

ALL [IN UNISON]: Free at last! Free at last!

Thank--

But who can compete with Leo?

I think I was just scared that I'd fail.

[ALL SCREAMING]

Well, I decided right then and there

to go buy a musical instrument.

So on the particular Tuesday, the 17th,

to which was referring, I went down

to the Sixth Street Music Emporium

to buy a new tambourine.

A terribly soothing instrument, contrary to popular opinion.

And as I was strolling along I detected a wonderful scent

in the morning air.

"What could it be?" I asked myself.

Silence?

So I went toward that marvelous scent,

distracted by its aroma from my musical mission.

The odor was a mix

of orchid flowers and bologna,

which of course is one of the world's

most underappreciated luncheon meats.

That and pimento loaf.

I love a good pimento loaf and mayo sandwich.

The more pimentos, the better.

Why, just the mention of pimentos

makes my tastebuds stand up and say, "Howdy."

Now there's an interesting word: howdy.

Is it from, "How are you?" or maybe, "How you doing?"

"Howdy" is one of those strange words

that really has no origin.

I like saying, "How do?" more than, "Howdy."

More formal, I think. Not too flowery.

But the flowery aroma

of that particular Tuesday morning

carried me on my fragrant quest.

Adi�s.

Arrivederci. Au revoir.

Sayonara.

Aloha oi. Oi vei.

[SIGHS]

Home sweet home.

Now, the smell was actually less bologna and more orchid,

the beautiful flower found on the island state of Hawaii.

Of course, I wasn't in Hawaii, so I needed to search out

the location of the nearest orchid.

[ALL SOBBING]

PIP: So I visited every florist shop in town.

Well, to make a long story short,

not a single flower shop in town had any orchids in stock,

which seemed mighty curious to me.

Now, as we all know, curiosity killed the cat,

but since I'm not feline, I wasn't too worried.

Felines are funny creatures, don't you think?

[ALL SPITTING]

I had a cat once.

It used its claws to tear my living room couch to shreds.

It was a comfy couch too.

Had a sleep-away bed in it, with a foam-rubber mattress.

Now, I bought the couch and the mattress

at Levine's department store on 3rd Ave.

The very same afternoon of that relaxing stroll aforementioned.

I also bought myself a lovely tambourine

on that same shopping expedition.

Anyway I didn't wanna pay extra for the delivery of the couch,

so I decided to carry the couch home myself.

It was quite cumbersome.

And getting it through the store's revolving doors

was a bit of a challenge.

And just as I emerged onto the street,

by accident I bumped into a well-dressed man

with an orchid in his lapel.

It was Bob Barker, and he was eating

a bologna and cheese-ball sandwich.

Well, it's been nice chatting with you.

All [IN UNISON]: Huh?

Bye.

It's too quiet.

I miss him.

Pip, wait!

Pip, come back! Tell us another story.

DOT: Please, I wanna learn more about bologna.

Did you ever meet Don Knotts?

Oh, tell us! Please do!

[***]

[***]

It's time to tour the planets that make up our solar system.

Come on!

* The closest to the sun Is the planet Mercury *

* Next, shrouded planet Venus Is as cloudy as can be *

* Earth is next, we call it home Let's hope it stays that way *

* Then Mars, it's really red What more can I say? *

* The gassy planet Jupiter's As big as planets come *

* Then there's Saturn With its rings of tiny crumbs *

* We travel on to Neptune That's a gassy, freezing ball *

* And cold and tiny Pluto It's the furthest one of all *

Well, there you go. That's our solar system.

You forgot Uranus.

Good night, everybody.

[***]

MINDY: Buttons!

Oh, Buttons!

[CRASH]

[GIGGLES] Silly puppy.

[***]

[***]

[GIBBERING]

[SNORING]

[BARKING]

[GROWLS]

[BOTH BARKING]

[BOTH BARKING]

[GIGGLES]

Silly puppies.

Oof. Ball.

WOMAN: Mindy, sweetheart, Mommy and Daddy will be

in the entertainment lab watching a video cube.

MAN: Honey, would you duplicate me a beverage paste?

Sure, dear, right away.

Buttons, this duplicator is not a toy.

I've told you to stay away from it.

Just keep an eye on Mindy.

[BARKS]

Have fun, angel.

Okay, space lady.

Please don't call me space lady.

Call me Mom, Mommy, Mother, anything,

but not space lady.

Okay, space lady. I love you. Buh-bye.

[***]

Bouncy ball. Oops!

Ball. Ball.

Golly, Skipper, will we ever get

off this planet?

Oh, sure, little buddy.

I think...

[GRUNTING]

Umph.

Aah.

[SCREAMS]

[GASPING]

[AIR PUMPING]

[GASPS]

[***]

Bouncy bally. Bouncy ball.

[HOWLS]

[BUTTONS SIGHS]

Huh?

[SCREAMS]

[GRUNTS]

[GRUNTS]

[GIGGLES]

Buttons funny.

Buh-bye.

WOMAN [ON PA]: Prepare to launch Mission Starburst.

Five minutes and counting.

Bally, bally, bally.

[BUTTONS HOWLS]

[CLICKING]

[YELPS]

[***]

Mr. Speck, report.

Highly illogical creatures, captain.

Set phasers on Shake 'N Bake.

Buttons funny.

[LAUGHING]

Bally. Bally. Bally.

[GASPS]

WOMAN: Prepare rocket for launch.

Evacuate the rocket vicinity.

Whatcha doing, Mr. Space Bug Man?

[SPEAKING IN ALIEN LANGUAGE]

Why?

[SPEAKING IN ALIEN LANGUAGE]

Why?

[SPEAKING IN ALIEN LANGUAGE]

Why?

[ROARS]

Okay. I love you. Buh-bye.

Mwah.

[GIGGLING]

WOMAN: All personnel, clear the launchpad.

Twenty seconds and counting.

[GRUNTS]

Silly bouncy ball.

[YELPS]

[GRUNTING]

[BARKING]

[***]

WOMAN: All systems go.

Prepare for liftoff.

[SCREAMS]

[SQUEALS, THEN GIBBERS]

[***]

WOMAN: Mission Starburst rocket shutdown.

Prepare cargo bay

for detonation of obsolete weaponry.

[BANGING]

Sixty seconds until total destruction.

Huh?

That's right. Total destruction!

[ALARM BELL RINGS]

Starburst detonation sequence under way.

[GIGGLES]

Vaporization components engaged.

Detonation minus 40 seconds.

[GASPS]

[WAILS]

Buh-bye, Buttons.

[***]

MINDY: Bally. Bally.

WOMAN: Fifteen seconds and counting.

My bally.

[SNIFFLES]

[GROANS]

WOMAN: Five, four, three...

Buh-bye.

...two, one.

[***]

[GRUNTS]

Buttons, didn't I tell you

to keep Mindy away from that duplicator?

Now look what you've done.

[ALL GIGGLING]

ALL [IN UNISON]: Hi, space lady.

ALL [IN UNISON]: Okay. I love you. Buh-bye.

[ALL GIGGLING]

[***]

ALL [IN UNISON]: Boingy, boingy, boingy.

Boingy, boingy, boingy.

[***]

[***]

And remember, Yakko spelled backwards is "okkay."