Original subtitles

[***]

ALL: * It's time for Animaniacs *

* And we're zany to the max *

* So just sit back and relax *

* You'll laugh Till you collapse *

* We're Animaniacs *

BOTH: * Come join The Warner brothers *

* And the Warner sister, Dot *

ALL: * Just for fun we run around The Warner movie lot *

* They lock us in the tower Whenever we get caught *

* But we break loose And then vamoose *

* And now you know the plot *

* We're Animaniacs *

* Dot is cute and Yakko yaks *

* Wakko packs away the snacks *

* While Bill Clinton Plays the sax *

* We're Animaniacs *

* Meet Pinky and the Brain *

* Who want to rule The universe *

* Goodfeathers flock together *

* Slappy whacks 'em With her purse *

* Buttons chases Mindy *

* While Rita sings a verse *

* The writers flipped We have no script *

* Why bother to rehearse? *

* We're Animaniacs *

* We have pay-or-play Contracts *

* We're zany to the max *

* There's bologna In our slacks *

* We're Animan-y *

* Totally insane-y *

* Chicken chow mein-y *

* Animaniacs *

* Those are the facts *

NARRATOR: It's time for another "Good Idea, Bad Idea."

Good idea:

[INHALES]

Taking a deep breath

before jumping into a swimming pool.

Bad idea:

Taking a deep breath

after jumping into a swimming pool.

[INHALES]

The end.

[***]

[***]

So this is The Love Boat.

You must be Doc.

Call me Ishmael.

Call me Ishtar.

Call me irresponsible.

Call me any time,

but not collect, okay, big fella?

YAKKO: Hi, we're stowaways. Are you Gopher?

No, I Queequeg.

[ALL SNIFFING]

Sorry to hear that. Next time, don't eat so many prunes.

Hey, look.

They've got miniature golf onboard.

WARNERS: Fore!

Who dares disturb my brooding?

Starbuck, have you sighted Moby Dick?

Ach! Negative, captain. We must quit this mad quest.

Ye craven bilge rat.

We'll search for Moby Dick until-- What?

Captain Stubing, you mind if I steered the boat

so we can go water-skiing?

What? Yes. Go away.

We'll search for Moby Dick until the seas dry up

and the fish flop around in their underwear

because all the water's gone.

We'll search until-- Huh?

[BOTH YELLING]

What in the name of Neptune's pantry?

[***]

Give me that wheel at once!

You're the captain.

Whoa!

[YELLING]

Who are ye?

We're the Warner brothers, Captain Stubing.

And the Warner sister.

Say, would you see if there's anything stuck in my teeth?

You know, if you shaved your beard,

you'd look just like Ernest Borgnine.

Mark ye well that I am Captain Ahab.

Cursed by vengeance to roam the seas

until I find Moby Dick.

You stowaways earn your keep aboard the Pequod.

Now find me a white whale.

Okay.

YAKKO: Look. A white whale.

Where? Where?

ALL: * Monkeys always look *

* Monkeys always look *

Stop your tomfoolery.

Find me that whale!

Thar she blows!

Where? Where?

[PLAYING JAZZY TUNE]

[AS LOUIS ARMSTRONG] That's high C on the high seas.

Yeah.

So, what do you say, cap?

Let's look for something else now.

[NORMAL VOICE] Yeah.

Who cares about a white whale?

Let's dress up like ghosts and scare the crew.

Don't ye understand?

All I live for is to catch Moby Dick

and destroy him for his oil,

conquer him for his blubber,

stomp on his big whale head and make perfume from his brain.

Captain, you've gotta go on shore leave more often.

[***]

ALL: * Captain Ahab You're a dummy *

* Killing whales Is really crummy *

* Get a clue And don't be scummy *

* Early in the morning *

AHAB: * No more singing Man the harpoon *

* Moby Dick is mine It's high noon *

* Spear him now On with the cartoon *

* Early in the morning *

WARNERS: * Stop your wailing Stop your moaning *

* Pun intended Stop that groaning *

* Don't kill whales And start atoning *

* Early in the morning *

* Watch Star Trek IV Or ask your teachers *

* Whales are kind And loving creatures *

* They've got eyes And facial features *

* Killing whales is stupid *

Get Moby Dick. All hands stand to.

Man the longboat!

Or woman the short boat. That way, everybody's covered.

[***]

Stroke.

WARNERS: You have a cute beard.

Stroke.

WARNERS: You have a wonderful voice.

Stroke.

WARNERS: Have you ever considered a career in radio?

AHAB: Faster, me hearties.

Row till your giblets turn to gravy.

You're mine, Moby Dick!

No, please don't kill the whale.

We wanna take him home for a pet.

We have an enormous bathtub.

Agh!

Back to your posts and row, ye miserable little barnacles,

or I'll run ye through.

Wait, please!

Vengeance is mine at last.

Begone!

ALL [IN UNISON]: * Oh, Captain Ahab *

* Don't look behind you *

Whoa-- W-w-whoa.

So long, Moby Dick.

[GULPS]

Hey, Captain Ahab.

Tell Moby all about stomping on him,

and making blubber cakes and stuff out of his oil.

[CHUCKLES]

Oh, I was just funning the youngsters about all that.

I certainly wasn't serious-- Aah!

[SCREAMING]

Say, nice leg.

AHAB: Get me out of here!

So long, Captain Ahab.

DOT: Enjoy your new home!

YAKKO: Don't play around Moby's blowhole.

Alas, we're alone, adrift on the open ocean

without food, water, or facial moisturizer.

That's right, kids.

Always remember,

a moisturized face is a happy face.

Isn't there a single ship anywhere

that will take pity on us?

[SOBBING]

Any ship will do.

SKIPPER: Hey, little buddies.

We shoulda been more specific.

[***]

NARRATOR: It's time for another "Good Idea, Bad Idea."

Good idea.

Going Alpine skiing in the winter.

[***]

Bad idea.

Going Alpine skiing in the summer.

[***]

The end.

MINDY: Buttons!

Oh, Buttons!

[THUD]

[LAUGHS]

Silly puppy.

[***]

[***]

[BOOMING FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]

[GIGGLING]

[ALL SCREAM]

[BUBBLING]

Ooh!

[YAWNS, THEN MOANS]

WOMAN: Buttons. Mindy.

We chugga-mugga go hunt.

MAN: You, Buttons. Ugga guard cave.

Ugga guard Mindy.

[GROWLS]

And no tonga tar pit.

Okay, lady. I love you. Bye-bye.

No munga "lady."

Mugga-munga "Mom."

Uga munga needs therapy.

[GIGGLING]

[***]

Ooh.

Eggy.

[GRUNTS]

[GIGGLES]

[SNORING]

[YELPS]

[WHIMPERING]

[YELPS]

[PANTING]

[MINDY GIGGLING]

Eggy.

[BABBLES]

Eggy. Eggy.

Huh?

[YELPS]

[SCREAMS]

[BUTTONS WHIMPERING]

Hello, Mr. Men. What you doing?

[MEN SPEAKING CAVEMAN LANGUAGE]

Why?

[MEN SPEAKING CAVEMAN LANGUAGE]

Why?

[MEN SPEAKING CAVEMAN LANGUAGE]

Okay. I love you. Bye-bye.

Ooga-booga. Nice kid.

[BUTTONS WHIMPERS]

[YELPS]

[GROANING]

[***]

[BARKING]

[SNIFFS]

Stinky poo.

Ah-choo!

[HOWLING]

[WHIMPERING]

Chugga-ugga wheel.

Tonga fire.

BOTH: Who knew?

[SIGHS]

[GASPS]

[MINDY GIGGLING]

Buttons silly.

[WHIMPERS]

[CRASH]

[***]

[MINDY GIGGLING]

[GASPS]

[GAGS]

[HOWLING]

[PANTING]

Eggy.

[SQUEAKS]

[SNARLING]

Hello, what you doing?

[ROARS]

Why?

[ROARS]

Why?

[ROARS]

Okay. I love you. Bye-bye.

[GROWLING]

[WHIMPERS]

[BARKING]

Buttons!

[ROARING]

[BARKING]

[SQUEAKING]

Mama. Mama.

[SQUEAKS]

Mama.

MINDY: Wheee!

[GIGGLING]

[WHIMPERING]

[BOTH GASP]

Buttons!

Ugga-chugga tar pit!

WOMAN: Buttons tonga bad dog!

[WHIMPERING]

Buttons.

Okay. I love you. Bye-bye.

[WHINES HAPPILY]

NARRATOR: It's time for another "Good Idea, Bad Idea."

Good idea.

Kissing a loved one.

Bad idea.

Kissing a total stranger.

[GROWLS]

The end.

[***]

[***]

[SLURPING]

ELI: Hey, that's my meatball!

Not no more.

I own this town and everything in it,

including this meatball.

Sheriff's gonna hear about this.

What sheriff?

[LAUGHING]

That was the third sheriff this week.

Dang plundering outlaw.

If only there was a man in this town

man enough to stand up to him.

[SPURS CLACKING]

[GASPS]

ELI: You know who that is?

The man with no personality.

Some say he robbed a bank

and saved a puppy at the same time.

Is he for the law or agin it?

Nobody knows, 'cause he ain't got no personality.

Some say that high-plains drifter

is a chicken.

Ma'am, you may be the fastest spaghetti slinger in the West,

but you sure ain't no judge of character.

That guy's a chicken, I tell you. A giant chicken.

No man who saves a puppy is a chicken.

[***]

[LEE CLEARS THROAT]

Stranger, we'd be much obliged if you helped us out.

You rid this town of that darn outlaw,

and we make you sheriff.

[***]

[GRUNTS]

BOTH: He did it!

[BOTH CHEERING]

[RATTLING]

[BLOWS LANDING]

[ALL GASP]

He's a chicken.

I got me a fistful of feathers.

Lookie here, a few feathers more.

I told you that guy was a chicken!

[CLUCKING]

No chicken can be sheriff of this town.

And no durn chicken could have saved a puppy.

Run him outta town, boys.

[CLUCKING]

[CLUCKS "MAIN THEME" FROM THE GOOD, THE BAD AND THE UGLY]

* You wear a disguise To look like human guys *

* But you're not a man You're a chicken, Boo *

NARRATOR: It's time for another "Good Idea, Bad Idea."

Good idea.

Doing your own yard work.

Bad idea.

Doing your own dental work.

The end.

[WHIMPERING]

[YELPING]

Okay. I love you. Bye-bye.